Forgiveness in marriage
What is forgiveness?
• It is an active decision to give up your
perceived or actual right to get even with
some one who has wronged you
• It is canceling a debt.
• How was the debt paid?
• “It is finished” = tetelistai = PAID IN FULL
What does the Bible teach us
about forgiveness
• “Then Peter came to Him and said, ‘Lord,
how often shall my brother sin against me,
and I forgive him? Up to seven times?’
• Jesus said to him, ‘I do not say to you, up
to seven times, but up to seventy times
seven’” Matthew 18:21, 22
• “If indeed I have forgiven anything, I have
forgiven that one for your sakes in the
presence of Christ, lest Satan should take
advantage of us; for we are not ignorant of
his devices” 2 Cor. 2:10, 11
• “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our
debtors. For if you forgive men their
trespasses, your heavenly Father will also
forgive you. But if you do not forgive men
their trespasses, neither will your father
forgive your trespasses” Matt 6:12, 14, 15
God’s promises of
forgiveness to us (4)
• 1) “East-West” promise, Psalm 103:12
• 2) “ Amnesia” promise , Jeremiah 31:34
• 3) “Stain Remover” promise , Isaiah 1:18
• 4) “Deep Sea “ promise , Micah 7:19
Our society and marital
conflicts
• Our society teaches us many ways to
cope with marital conflicts, but forgiving is
not one of them:
-running away from problems  does
not change anyone or anything
-endless fighting  useless
-blaming each other  leads nowhere
-giving up  depression
-getting even  lethal
The consequences of
refusing to forgive (3)
• 1. Refusing to forgive means that God
will not forgive us
• 2. Refusing to forgive means we will be
tormented
– Matt. 18:23-35 :
•
“Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is
like a king who wanted to settle accounts
with his servants. As he began the
settlement, a man who owed him ten
thousand talents was brought to him.
Since he was not able to pay, the master
ordered that he and his wife and his
children and all that he had be sold to
repay the debt.
•
“At this the servant fell on his knees
before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he
begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’
The servant’s master took pity on him,
canceled the debt and let him go.
•
“But when that servant went out, he
found one of his fellow servants who owed
him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him
and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what
you owe me!’ he demanded.
• 29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees
and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and
I will pay it back.’
•
•
“But he refused. Instead, he went off and
had the man thrown into prison until he
could pay the debt. When the other
servants saw what had happened, they
were outraged and went and told their
master everything that had happened.
•
“Then the master called the servant in.
‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled
all that debt of yours because you begged
me to. Shouldn’t you have had mercy on
your fellow servant just as I had on you?’
In anger his master handed him over to
the jailers to be tortured, until he should
pay back all he owed.
•
“This is how my heavenly Father will treat
each of you unless you forgive your
brother or sister from your heart.”
• What is the the torment ?:
- psychological problems, depression,
restlessness, anger, high blood pressure,
chest pain tension headache, upset
stomach, insomnia, inner turmoil.
• - The ratio of my brother’s “debt” to me vs.
my debt to the Lord is 1: 600,000
• “ To forgive is to set a prisoner free and
discover that the prisoner was you !”
Lewis B. Smedes
• “ When you do not forgive someone, in
some way that person is in jail, and you
are the warden. You are incarcerated too,
because you have to make sure the
prisoner stays there”
Kerney Franston
• “Un-forgiveness is a cancer that eats away
the very soul of a person”
Nancy Leigh from her book
“Choosing forgiveness”
- “ To err is human , to forgive is divine.”
- “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness
is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi
Satan loves to put thoughts in my head
to prevent me from forgiving others:
- “I’m not going to just let them off the
hook!”
- “Why should I forgive? They are the ones
who need to ask for my forgiveness”
- “You don’t understand what they did to
me”
- “I am not ready to forgive yet”
• “I am going to make you pay for what you
did.”
• “ I am going to get even with you.”
• “I will hold this against you for the rest of
your life.”
• “I will give you a dose of your own
medicine.”
“It is not that big of a deal, I will just forget
it”
3. Refusing to forgive causes us trouble
and defiles our own spirit
-When we don’t forgive:
-we nurse a grudge
-we are resentful, tortured by hate
-we are imprisoned by bitterness
• Bitterness pollutes the atmosphere of our
lives
• We refuse to excuse sin or justify the
sinner. Both judgment and salvation are
God’s business.
• Our part is simply to take our offenses,
hurt and painful memories to the Cross,
………and leave them there.
• “Forgive as the Lord forgave you” Col.
3:13
• Forgiving others is not a suggestion, it is a
command, …..and a good one!
• The amazing miracle of forgiving others is
that it stops our own pain!
Jesus did not forgive me that
way:
-- I can not play the martyr role when I
forgive,
…. because Jesus did not forgive me that
way.
-- I can not settle the score first before I
forgive,
… because Jesus did not forgive me that
way
-- I can not keep a running tally of
grievances,
… because Jesus did not forgive me
that way.
-- I can not forgive with my lips and then
bring it up again when I need the
advantage of some power,
… because Jesus did not forgive me
that way.
-- I can not forgive and then tell all the
people about it,
…because Jesus did not forgive me that
way.
-- I can not go through all the motions of
forgiveness and then harbor resentment
for weeks, months and years,
… because Jesus did not forgive me that
way.
Ten Steps to Forgiveness
• If the experience was traumatic, such as
childhood abuse or adultery in marriage,
we may find forgiveness extremely
difficult.
• In such cases, it helps to pray through the
following 10 steps, one at a time.
• Personalizing each step by inserting the
person’s name, or recalling the incident or
visualizing what is happening.
1.Feel the pain, hurt, resentment, bitterness
and hate
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall
be comforted” Matt 5:4
2. Submit yourself to God, recalling how
Christ forgave you:
GO TO THE CROSS!
3. Ask for Christ’s grace and power to
forgive
Sometimes our emotions scream: “I can’t
forgive! You do not understand what they
did to me!”
True, but Jesus understands, and He will
give us the grace to obey His commands.
“Ask and you will be given” Luke 11:9
• Two marks of a Christian:
giving and forgiving
.
• In our prayers, we should ask the Lord to bring
to our minds the names or the faces of every
person we need to forgive, sometimes names of
people we have forgotten for years. Some of
them might be dead.
• The most common names to surface are mother
and father. Then, one by one, pray this simple
forgiveness prayer:
“Lord, I forgive (……) for (……)”
4. Agree to live with the unavoidable
consequences of the other person’s sins
against you.
Your only choice is between:
the bondage of bitterness vs.
the freedom of forgiveness.
5. Release the offense:
Tear up the debt (personal, moral and
relational) that you feel the other person
owes you.
How to apply it concretely?
• - Forgiveness is a gift you give to your self.
- A former inmate of a Nazi prison
camp was visiting a friend who shared the
ordeal with him.
The first person asked his friend : “Have
you forgiven the Nazis ?”
“ Yes”, the second answered.
The first said: “Well, I have not. I am still
consumed with hatred for them.”
The second man replied:
“ In that case, they still have you in
prison !”
6. Never bring it up as a weapon during a
marital conflict.
What does it mean if I bring up again
“forgiven” offenses?
7. Keep forgiving when:
-your emotions recycle the pain
-when the person keeps offending you
-- Explain the diabolical war in forgiveness.
-- What to do then:
-James 4:7 :”Submit to God. Resist the
devil and he will flee from you.”
-Pray the forgiveness prayer
• - Compare between these 2 verses: how
are they different, what do they have in
common?:
- Matt.5:23 “If you bring your gift to
the altar, and there remember that your
brother has something against you, leave
your gift there before the altar, and go your
way. First be reconciled to your brother,
and then come and offer your gift.”
- Matt.18:15 :
“ If your brother sins against you, go
and tell him his fault between you and him
alone.”
8. Reject the sinful act and tolerate it no
longer
-God does not want you to put up with
abuse, He does not want you to be a
doormat
-Take your stand against the sin
9. Turn the vengeance over to God:
And over to God’s human authorities
“Let every soul be subject to the governing
authorities” Rom. 13:1
10. Replace the old resentful feelings with
the forgiving love of Christ:
-A spiritual vacuum is dangerous
-The result of forgiveness should never be
emptiness or defeat, but rather actions of
overflowing love.
Not every forgiveness is
followed by reconciliation
• Reconciliation is the process of restoring a
broken relationship
• Example : King David and his son
Absalom (2 Sam 14,15)
What you do not have to do (3)
1.You do not have to feel good about the
person who hurt you
-either before or after you forgive
• Forgiveness is not forgetting
• Forgiveness is an issue between you and
God
• It does not put a stamp of approval on
another’s behavior
• It does not automatically build trust
• It does not make you like someone who
has hurt you
• It simply releases the offense, and lets
your focus on the problem, not the
problem-producer
2. You do no have to tell the other person
about your resentful feelings unless the
Scripture tells you to:
Matt 5:23-26 “…first be reconciled to your
brother…”
How do we apply that in the Liturgy, and
why?
3. You do not have to wait until you are
ready to forgive:
-You can obey God’s Word right now
-Learn how to forgive yourself
-We also need to renounce false
expectations and thoughts about God and
agree to release any anger we have
towards Him.
Recommended resources
• 1)DeMoss, Nancy Leigh. “Choosing
forgiveness: your journey to freedom”
• 2) Kendal,Stanely R.T. “Total forgiveness.”
• 3) Stanely,Charles. “ The gift of
forgiveness.”
• 4) Wright,H.Norman, and Larry Renetzky.
“Healing grace for hurting people: Practical
steps for Restoring Broken Relationships.”