Fairground Story
By Mr Brewis
Mr Brewis has written a story
about the fairground BUT it
needs A LOT of improving to
make it better.
Can you help?
Lo: to change the vocabulary in a
sentence to make it more
interesting for the reader.
We need to change some of the words used so that they
are WOW words!
Peter’s coconuts.
There was a boy called Peter. He went to the
park. Then he saw a notice about the fair. Peter
liked the fair. He went home and told his mother
about it.
“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.
“Would you like to go?” said his Mum.
“Yes” said Peter.
They went to the fair. It was fun. Lights were
flashing.
Peter went to the ghost train, then on the
waltzer, then the merry –go-round. Then Peter
went on the coconut shy. He wanted to win a
coconut but he didn’t win one.
Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he
couldn’t find it. Peter was sad. He didn’t have
enough money to try to win another coconut.
Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a
policeman.
“Is everything ok?” said Peter.
“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” said
Joe.
“That’s mine, you found it” said Peter.
Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet.
Then he had one last go at the coconut shy.
Peter won a coconut and shared it with Joe for
finding his wallet.
This story could be so much better if we used
some exciting vocabulary.
Can you think of a sentence to describe what
you see at the funfair? Make sure you include a
WOW word to describe it.
You task is to take your sheet and add or
change a word or to write a whole new
sentence to make the story more interesting for
the reader.
Lo: to use connectives to add more detail to our
sentence.
The story is so much more interesting now that
we have improved the vocabulary that has been
used. Now we can make it even better by using
some connecting words so that we add more
detail for the reader.
Peter loved the fair.
Peter loved the fair because the flashing lights
and loud music where so exciting.
Using a connective gives us the chance to add
more detail to the story (and more wow words)!
“but” or “so”?
Which is the best connective?
It was very dark outside…. I took my torch.
I heard an owl hooting… I couldn’t see it
anywhere.
I love making cakes… I don’t like doing all the
washing up afterwards.
I was really good at the weekend… so Mum let
me do some baking with her.
“before” or “because”?
Which is the best connective?
Mum was cross …. I broke her favourite vase.
Mum shouted at me … she sent me to my
room.
I did all my work …. everyone else.
My teacher said I could play …. I had finished
all my work.
Your task is to choose a connective from the
box at the top of the sheet and add it to the
sentences so that you add some more detail to
the story.
Don’t forget to use some wow words when you
add more detail!
The story is looking so much better now.
Here it is again with some of your
improvements added in. Try to remember any
parts you think are much better now and tell me
afterwards.
Peter’s coconuts.
There was a young boy called Peter. He went to
the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair.
Peter absolutely loved the fair because there
were so many exciting rides you could go on.
He went home and told his mother about it.
“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.
“Would you like to go?” said his Mum.
“Yes” said Peter.
They went to the fair. It was so exciting. Lights
were flashing everywhere and there was loud
music that filled the air. Peter could hardly hear
himself speak.
Peter went to the scary ghost train, then on the
amazing waltzer, then the spinning merry –goround. Then Peter went on the coconut shy. He
wanted to win a coconut because coconuts are
so tasty but he didn’t win one.
Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he
couldn’t find it. Peter was sad because he didn’t
have enough money to try to win another
coconut. Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a
policeman.
“Is everything ok?” said Peter.
“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” said
Joe.
“That’s mine, you found it” said Peter.
Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet
because now he had enough money for one
last try at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut
and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.
Do you think the story was better now? What
parts do you think were improved?
Here is a copy with all of the improvements you
made in red.
Peter’s coconuts.
There was a young boy called Peter. He went to
the park. Then he saw a notice about the fair.
Peter absolutely loved the fair because there
were so many exciting rides you could go on.
He went home and told his mother about it.
“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.
“Would you like to go?” said his Mum.
“Yes” said Peter.
They went to the fair. It was so exciting. Lights
were flashing everywhere and there was loud
music that filled the air. Peter could hardly hear
himself speak.
Peter went to the scary ghost train, then on the
amazing waltzer, then the spinning merry –goround. Then Peter went on the coconut shy. He
wanted to win a coconut because coconuts are
so tasty but he didn’t win one.
Peter lost his wallet. He looked around but he
couldn’t find it. Peter was sad because he didn’t
have enough money to try to win another
coconut. Then he saw his friend Joe talking to a
policeman.
“Is everything ok?” said Peter.
“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor” said
Joe.
“That’s mine, you found it” said Peter.
Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet
because now he had enough money for one
last try at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut
and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.
Haven’t you done a lot of work improving my
story!
Well, we can make it even BETTER!
Lo: to change the start of the sentence so that
it is more interesting for the reader.
Have you noticed in my story I use the word
“then” a lot.
We need to think of some better ways to start
our sentences than boring old “Then he…”
We are going to use 3 different types
“When” starter
“How” starter
“Where” starter
Last night….
Carefully, he crept …..
At the fair….
What is the most interesting way to finish the
sentence?
A long time ago ….
Quickly …
One dark and stormy night ….
Cautiously ….
What is the most interesting way to finish the
sentence?
Quickly …
To his great surprise ….
I will never forget the day that …
Spookily …
Your task today is to change the start of the
sentence so that it is more interesting for the
reader.
This story is now so much better than it was
when I first wrote it.
It is so important to go over your work and
make improvements just like you have to mine
so that you write the best story you possibly
can!
Today we are going to look at the punctuation
that we use in our writing and see how we can
improve the story by using correct punctuation.
Lo: to use punctuation correctly in a sentence.
.
,
“speech marks”
?
!
…
Full stop, question mark or exclamation mark?
The mouse ran across the floor
Look out It’s a cat
Will the mouse be able to escape
Full stop, question mark or exclamation mark?
Be quiet
This class is getting too noisy
Have you forgotten how to work quietly
Speech marks only go around what the person
is actually saying.
“I love coconuts” shouted Peter.
Peter cried “Oh no, I’ve lost my wallet!”
Where do the speech marks go?
The music is so loud shouted Mum.
Look at the fantastic flashing lights called Peter.
I found a wallet on the floor replied Joe.
Your task is to go through the story and make
sure the correct punctuation marks have been
used. Where there is a box you will have to
place one of the marks.
Have you noticed that I have used the word
said so many times.
He said, she said, Peter said, Mum said, Joe
said, he said, she said, Peter said, Mum said,
Joe said, he said, she said, Peter said, Mum
said, Joe said, he said, she said, Peter said,
Mum said, Joe said, he said, she said,
It all gets a bit boring doesn’t it.
I don’t like said!
Lo: to use alternative words for said when using
dialogue.
We are going to change the word said for a
different word that still makes sense, like
shouted, called or replied.
Don’t say “said” say ……
Who might speak in this way? When? Why?
Shouted
stuttered
asked
groaned bellowed
announced
whimpered
Your task is to change the word said for a
different word that still makes sense, like
shouted, called or replied.
Lo: to add more detail about how the characters
are feeling to our story.
I think that you could make the story even better
now by adding new paragraphs to the story
about how Peter is excited to be at the fair and
how much fun he and Joe have when he has
got his money back.
What sentences could we use to show how
excited Peter is when he gets to the fair?
Remember to use connectives, wow words and
punctuation.
What sentences could we use to show what fun
things the boys do after they have found the
wallet?
Remember to use connectives, wow words and
punctuation.
Lo: to add more detail about how the characters
are feeling to our story.
Your task is to write two new paragraphs:
1. to show how excited Peter is when he gets to
the fair.
2. to show what fun things the boys do after
they have found the wallet.
Remember to use good openers, speech,
connectives, wow words and punctuation.
Thank you!
You have helped me to really improve my story.
Here is a new version with all of the really good
ideas that you have come up with to help me!
Today you will be writing your own story about a
visit to the fair.
One day Peter went to the park with some of his
friends. While he was at the park he saw a
notice about the fair. Peter absolutely loved the
fair because there were so many exciting rides
you could go on. Later Peter went home and
told his mother about it.
“It looks like fun” he said to his Mum.
“Would you like to go?” asked his Mum.
“Yes!” cried Peter “Thank you so much”.
The next day Peter and his Mum went to the fair.
It was so amazing. Lights were flashing
everywhere and there was loud music that filled
the air.
Peter could hardly hear himself speak the music
was pumping so loudly! He could see lots of
fantastic ride like the dodgems, the rollercoaster,
the big dipper and the hook a duck. He wanted
to go on all of them! He was so excited!
First Peter went to the scary ghost train, after
that he went on the amazing waltzer. Later he
had a go on the spinning merry –go-round.
Finally Peter went on the coconut shy. He
wanted to win a coconut because coconuts are
so tasty but he didn’t win one because he didn’t
knock it off the pole.
Later that night Peter lost his wallet. He looked
around but he couldn’t find it. Peter was sad
because he didn’t have enough money to try to
win another coconut. He turned around and he
saw his friend Joe talking to a policeman.
“Is everything ok?” asked Peter.
“Yes, I just found this wallet on the floor”
answered Joe.
“That’s mine, you found it. I was looking
everywhere for it and I thought I would have to
go home” replied Peter.
Peter was happy that Joe had found his wallet
because now he had enough money for one
last try at the coconut shy. Peter won a coconut
and shared it with Joe for finding his wallet.
Joe and Peter decided to go on the twisting and
turning roller coaster.
“Wheeeeee” shrieked Joe.
“I’ve had the best day ever!” shouted Peter.
Eventually they ran out of money and it was time
to meet Mum and go home.
That night Peter slept like a log because he was so
tired out from his trip to the fair.
To improve your writing in the future
remember to use VCOP.
There are lots of ideas for you to use on the
literacy wall, as long as you put your
hands up and ask you can always go and
take a look.
Will you win a VCOP sticker for your work?
Lo: to plan a story about an exciting
trip to the fair.
Who are your characters?
What words will you use to describe the fair?
What happens to the characters (problem)?
How do they solve the problem?
What happens at the end of the story?
Lo: to write an opening paragraph
that describes the setting.
Imagine your partner has never been to the
fair before. Think of a sentence to describe
Cats – What you smell
Chimps – What you can hear
Crocs – How you feel
Goats – what you can see
Remember to use powerful adjectives.
We need to make sure that the reader wants
to carry on reading our story, we have to
make it interesting and add detail.
Lets put some of those ideas into a
paragraph.
Lo: to write an opening paragraph
that describes the setting.
Steps to success
• Include why your characters are going
there.
• Use powerful adjectives and wow words to
describe what things they will be able to
see, hear, smell and how they feel.
• Lets your words paint a picture in the
reader’s head.
Lo: to write a story using the plans
we have written.
•
•
•
•
Steps to success.
Make sure you use your best handwriting
Make sure you have included everything
from your plan.
Use full stops, capital letters and
paragraphs.
Use wow words - Use the VCOP display to
help.