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Healthy Relationships
VI

Rationalizer
• Conveys “Let’s Compromise.”
• Both parties communicate that they care enough to sacrifice
• Both lose something

Rationalizer
• Sacrifice is usually done begrudgingly but seen as necessary in order to keep the peace
• Long term effect – one or the other will convert to one of the other styles
• Usually the Placater – and gives up

Placater
• Conveys “I’ll lose so you can win, then you’ll love me.”
• Easier to give in than fight
• I’ll just lose anyway and I really need for you to like me so you go ahead and win
X
I
E
T
Y
A
N

Placater
• Loss of self-esteem
• Long term effect - Loss of Love
• Suppresses feelings until they can’t love any more
X
I
E
T
Y
A
N

Distracter
• Go Hide!
• Avoids conflict at all costs
• Short term effect – Avoid conflict
• Temporary Peace

Distracter
• Conveys “You are not important enough to me to get out of my comfort zone.”
• Turns away from relationship – withdraws psychologically
• Long term effect – Lose Intimacy

Blamer
• Win at all costs
• Manipulates to get his way – will do anything to NOT lose
• Often high achievers

Blamer
• Conveys that “opponents” view is not important – only “his” view counts – you don’t matter
• Relationships often few and short
• Long term effect - loss of relationship

Interdependent TEAM
1 Peter 3:7-8
“You husbands likewise, (Translated
Greek ) continually build your home according to a personal knowledge of your wife, while continually honoring her as a weaker vessel since she is a woman; as fellow inheritors of the grace of life so that your prayers may not be hindered”

Interdependent TEAM
• Two heads are better than one
• Conflict is viewed as a good thing
• Fixes the problem AND builds
Intimacy
•
Looks for win/win solution

Interdependent TEAM
Proverbs 27:17
“Iron sharpens iron, so . . . one person sharpens another.”

Interdependent TEAM
1 Peter 3:7-8
“To sum up, (Translated
Greek ) have a common perspective, have common emotions, like each other as brothers, be tenderly sympathetic, and humble in spirit”

Interdependent TEAM
• Explores several alternatives with partner – pros and cons are listed
• Does not sell or defend their view – listens to each alternative objectively
• The best objective is agreed upon
•
Solution belongs to
BOTH parties

Conflict Resolution
Philippians 2:3-4
“Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind let each of you regard one another as more important than yourself; do not merely look out for your own interests, but also for the interests of others.”

Conflict Resolution
There is a time, place, or occasion where each style “may” be appropriate
• Conflict with boss at work -
Distracter
• Conflict with teen over curfew -
Blamer

Conflict Resolution
“. . . don’t cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample you under their feet.”

Conflict Resolution
• Conflict with neighbor - Placate
• Sometimes a compromise is the best you can get - Let’s make a deal.
• Conflicts within a family should primarily involve team building.

Conflict Resolution
• Request specific behavior changes, not personality changes
• Be absolutely specific
• Listen - Don’t formulate your next statement while your partner is talking

Conflict Resolution
• Use pauses to “catch up” allowing time to listen
• Don’t escalate
, take time out if necessary
•
PRAY TOGETHER - See this as an opportunity to grow in intimacy and work out one more thing that could jeopardize intimacy in the future

Conflict Resolution
• Schedule the conflict - “I would like to talk to you about _______ when could we do that?”
• Plan a time and place

Conflict Resolution
• Allow enough time and emotional space – e.g. Not before a final exam
• Pick a place where you won’t be interrupted
• Emotionally conducive place

Conflict Resolution
• Be godly
• Be polite
• Have permission!

Principle: We should strive for the competency of making wise and sympathetic decisions together

1) If you tend to blame, how have you experienced conflict resolution?
2) If you tend to placate, how have you experienced conflict resolution?
3) If you tend to rationalize, how have you experienced conflict resolution?
4) If you tend to distract, how have you experienced conflict resolution?
5) Give an illustration of a failed conflict resolution?
6) Give an illustration of a successful conflict resolution?