Relationships and IBD
Debbie Pullen
Liaison Mental Health Nurse
Liaison Psychiatry
What is a relationship?
• Family, partners, children etc
• Social – friends, community groups,
leisure etc
• Work
Other People’s Attitudes to IBD
What difficulties
have you experienced
in your relationships
with others?
What are the challenges?
• Chronic disease with symptoms that
impact on lifestyle eg pain, fatigue, toilet
issues, diet etc
• Taboo subject
Challenge
• The challenge is to improve and maintain
healthy relationships alongside living with
IBD
Reflective Group Activities
Examples of Roles
Son
Mother
Manager
Partner
Teacher
Family / Relationship
Friend
Driver
Work / Task Related
Carer
Cook
Lover
Gardener
Banker
Writer
Traveller
Internet
lover
Interests / Passions
Runner
Socialite
Bookworm
Learner
Listener
Dreamer
Personal Qualities
Organiser Follower
Carer
Styles of Communication
Direct
Passive
Aggression
Indirect
Aggression
Assertive
Direct Aggression
‘What you could do
with…’
‘do as I say’
‘I don’t give a ****
about you’
Traits: Bossy
Arrogant
Intolerant
Opinionated
Over-bearing
‘How dare you!’
‘If I were you,
I’d do it this
way’
‘I always win’
Result: Get what you
want but at
what price?
Indirect Aggression
‘Don’t worry
about me, I will
manage…SOB’
‘I’m never angry’
‘I’ll be ill if you
behave like that’
‘Can’t you take a
joke’
‘I’m surprised that you’ve
‘Martyrdom's
managed that’
my way of
‘You make me feel…’
life’
Traits: Manipulative Sarcastic
Deceiving
Insinuating
Ambiguous Guilt inducing
Result: Get your own way
but people back
away…
Passivity
‘I’m so sorry’
‘Nothing goes
right for me’
‘You decide for
me’
Traits: Waiting
Martyrdom
Apologetic Indecisive
Moaning Submissive
‘Whatever you want is
OK by me’
‘I’m waiting for my
life to get better’
‘I don’t matter’
Result: No responsibility for self,
therefore no guilt
feel resentful when others
take responsibility
Assertiveness
‘I’m not perfect’
‘I feel…’
Traits: Open
Direct
Honest
Positive
Accepting
Spontaneous
Responsibility
‘I’ll take a risk’
‘I’m OK – you’re OK’
Result: I like to be responsible for
me and if I make mistakes,
I will accept them
- Balance
- Not demeaning
- Self respect
- Control
Assertiveness
YOUR
Feelings
Needs
Rights
Opinions
OTHERS
Feelings
Needs
Rights
Opinions
Communicating effectively
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Choosing important topics
Choosing the right time
Accepting it will take time
Agreeing a language
Saying no
Repetition
Scripting
Strategies
1) I understand…
However…
Therefore…
2) Broken Record Technique
3) Scripting Tool
Broken Record Technique
Example:
Jo –
‘Jane can you take me to the supermarket in the car because it is
raining?’
Jane – ‘I am unable to take you right now Jo”
Jo –
‘But it’s raining and I need to do a big shop. You know I would do the
same for you.
Jane – ‘I am unable to take you right now Jo.
Jo –
‘It will only take 20 minutes’
Jane – ‘I know it wouldn’t take that long but I am unable to take you right now.
You can borrow my umbrella if you like’
Jo –
‘Okay then, I’ll catch the bus’
Scripting Tool
Even fish need confidence
Even
Event
Fish
Feelings
Need
Needs
Confidence
Consequences
The ‘Toolkit’ of Assertion
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Body language
Setting the scene
Disclose feelings
Being clear
Staying with it
Empathising
Working for a compromise
Where to access help?
• If you feel you are in need of help for any
aspect of your mental health you can
access counselling and therapy services
through your GP. Just visit them and ask
to be referred
• If you feel you are not coping with IBD at
all and would like help – liaison psychiatry
can be accessed through your local IBD
nurse
• Samaritans 08457 90 90 90
• Carers Leeds 0113 246 8338
• Relate (relationship counselling) 0300 100
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