“How to Create a Confident
Competitor”
With David Benzel
www.growingchampionsforlife.com
Copyright © 2012 David Benzel
Ask Yourself, “What do I really want?”
I Want:
I Want:
My child to play well;
My child to win;
My child to improve quickly;
My child to impress others;
My child to move up;
My child to receive recognition;
My child to be a STAR!
To enjoy watching my child play;
To share my child’s experience;
To be an example of
good character;
To be accepting of my
child’s performances;
To be loving of my child;
To be a positive encourager;
To be a trusted advisor & mentor;
Held Hostage by My Ego
Host to My Highest Purpose
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Top Consequences of Increased
Performance Pressure in School & Sports
Teen suicide quadrupled since 1960’s;
 Increased teen depression;
 Increased anxiety disorders;
 Increased behavioral disorders;
 Increased substance abuse;

What does Andre’ Agassi’s story say to you?
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3
What is the Purpose of Parenting?
Why do we exist?
To serve our highest purpose…
Raise children who can:
1. Lead independent lives;
2. Maintain loving relationships;
3. Enjoy a sense of competence;
TOOLS: Warmth (a Connection) & Appropriate Discipline
“The Price of Privilege” by Madeline Levine
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Make four observations about this picture.
1._________
2._________
3._________
4._________
Why do we rush to judge?
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The Four Faces of a Parent
Concern for Performance
High
TIGER
HERO
A child fears being a
disappointment
A child free from fear
SUPPLIER
HELICOPTER
A child fears being
abandoned
A child fears being hurt
Low
High
Concern for Self-esteem
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What is FEAR?
Where Does it Come From?
• A thought based on a belief.
The three fastest ways
to undermine an
child’s self belief:
• An emotion of uncertainty.



Criticize
Complain
Condemn
Encourage
Educate
Edify
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Fear: When Injected by Others
The things parents & coaches say
that can create fear:
“If you don’t work harder you
won’t make it to the next level.”
The motive behind these statements:
“To get you to do what I
want you to do.”
“If you don’t pay attention to my
coaching you’ll get left behind.”
“We’ve sacrificed a lot for you
to have these lessons, so do
your best.”
“Be careful; I don’t want you
getting hurt.”
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Please quickly memorize this 32 digit number.
2_
0_
1_
3_
1_
2_
5_
0_
0_
7_
0_
4_
1_
7_
7_
6_
1_
3_
0_
7_
1_
1_
0_
5_
5_
0_
6_
6_
1_
2_
2_
5
_
2 0 1 3 ’1 2 5 0 0 7 0 4 1 7 7 6 1 3
mph
$
0 7 1 1 0 5 5 0 6 6 1 2 .2 5
No
gas
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The Performance Formula
Performance equals:
Talents
+ Strategies
+ Self-Belief
Success OR A Lesson
Learning “how to learn” unlocks the doors
to building self-confidence.
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Why Self Confidence Affects
Performance

Fact: No one ever
performs
consistently at a
higher
level _________
than what they
believe to be
_________
true about
_______
themselves.
Three important
messages that build a
child’s self belief:



You are safe;
You are capable;
You are free to
choose;
What is our assignment?
To improve what our children believe to be true about them.
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The heart of influence beats stronger
than the voice of control.
Focused on Control
Positional
Force
Fear/Intimidation
Controlled w/ rules
Short-term
Negative impact
Resentment
“Required”
performers
Focused on Growth
Personal
Power
Respect/Trust
Influenced by values
Long-term
Positive impact
Revered
“Inspired”
performers
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To Reduce Fear
We Need a Positive Learning Environment
You cannot punish a child into excellence or perfection!
Negative Reinforcement
Positive Reinforcement
Punishment
Create a sanctuary
Penalties
Give specific praise
Ridicule
Redirect energies
Embarrassment
Live by values
The _______
GOTCHA
Parent
“Don’t”
Get rid of ________
The EXCELLENCE
__________
Parent
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An Important Discovery About Praise
“Wow!
You must be
very smart.”
“Wow!
You must have
worked really
hard.”
Preferred to choose
easy tasks in order
to look “smart”.
Preferred to work
hard in order to learn
more.
Group #1
Group #2
Dr. Carol Dweck’s Study – “Mindset”
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Not All Praise is Created Equal!
Praising effort and improvement
creates a Growth Mindset & an
eagerness to learn.
Praising talents and gifts
creates a Fixed Mindset &
fear to face a challenge.

You’re so talented.
 I’m impressed with your work

You’re very fast.


You’re a quick learner.
 Your turns are improving

You’re so coordinated.
 You showed terrific patience today.

You’re a smart player.
Your attention to your stroke was
 noticeable.
ethic.
I like how you stuck with it.
because of your steady work.
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How Do We Get Everyone on the Same Page?
Step 1 - Circle Your Top Ten
Performance Character Strengths
Effort Investment
Hope
Seeking
Challenges
Competitiveness
Perseverance
Love of Learning
Self-Discipline
Creativity
Resiliency
Punctuality
Constructiveness
Critical Thinking
Self-Control
Decisiveness
Hard Work
Humor
Ambition
Mental Toughness
Optimism
Focus
Resourcefulness
Bravery
Determination
Energy Investment
Reliability
Patience with Self
Concentration
Commitment
Positivity
Diligence
Responsibility
Moral Character Strengths
Love for Others
Truthfulness
Justice
Loyalty to Others
Care for Others
Integrity
Fairness
Patience with Others
Kindness
Humility
Generosity
Respect for Others
Honesty
Gratefulness
Compassion
Honor
Step 2 – Rank order Your Selections
From “The Only Way to Win” by Dr. Jim Loehr
What do the people in each category have in common with others in that list?
What’s the criteria for success in your home?
A.
B.
1. Were you always truthful?
2. Did you play fair?
O.J. Simpson
Roger Clemens
Jose Canseco
Marion Jones
Floyd Landis
Michael Vick
Mark McGwire
Chad Johnson
Sam Bradford
Monica Seles
Arthur Ashe
Payne Stewart
Grant Hill
Tim Tebow
Tony Dungy
John Wooden
3. Were you respectful of others?
4. Did you compete with honor?
5. Were you positive and
constructive with team members?
6. Were you humble in victory?
How can we teach our children to win at life?
From “The Only Way to Win” by Dr. Jim Loehr
If you could only choose six for your
child to exemplify:






… and at least half had to come from the Moral Character Strength list, which
six would you choose?
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PERFORMACE CHARACTER STRENGTHS
Effective parents use “Wonder-Full” questions to guide parenting choices.
STRENGTHS
STRATEGIES
To Show
Perseverance
To Take
Responsibility
To Learn
New Skills
To Enjoy
SelfDiscipline
To Invest
Effort &
Energy
I wonder how I can
help my child learn
to overcome
setbacks?
I wonder how I
can make it safe
for my child to
admit mistakes?
I wonder how I can
create opportunities
for my child to love
learning new skills?
I wonder how I
can teach the
benefits of selfdiscipline ?
I wonder how I can
demonstrate genuine
enthusiasm and also
accept my child’s
passions?
1.
1.
1.
1.
1.
2.
2.
2.
2.
2.
3.
3.
3.
3.
3.
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Copyright © 2012 Growing Champions for Life
MORAL CHARACTER STRENGTHS
Effective parents use “Wonder-Full” questions to guide parenting choices.
STRENGTHS
STRATEGIES
To Care
for Others
To Show
Humility
To Express
Gratefulness
To Be
To Be
Patient with Respectful of
Others
Others
I wonder how I can
teach my child a
caring spirit?
I wonder how I
can help my child
overcome pride?
I wonder how I can
create an attitude
of gratitude?
I wonder how I
can teach the
benefits of
patience?
I wonder how I can
demonstrate genuine
respect for all?
1.
1.
1.
1.
1.
2.
2.
2.
2.
2.
3.
3.
3.
3.
3.
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Copyright © 2012 Growing Champions for Life
Choosing Our Habits
Seven Caring
Habits
Seven Deadly
Habits
Supporting
Criticizing
Encouraging
Blaming
Listening
Complaining
Accepting
Nagging
Trusting
Threatening
Respecting
Punishing
Negotiating differences
Rewarding to control
1. The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
2. All we can give another person is information.
3. All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
“Choice Theory” by William Glasser 21
“Be guided by your values,
not driven by your needs
which are always fueled
by your fears.”
-- Larry Smith, Life Coach Today
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Chump to Champ Principles
1. Your child looks to you for leadership and a world
view.
2. Children want to know what/who is most
important in the family and in life.
3. The most important gift we give is unconditional
love and total acceptance regardless of
performance levels.
4. Children are desperately looking for heroes at
home and elsewhere.
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