Verbal Judo
Redirecting Behavior with Words
Means…
• Ju: Gentle or soft
• Do: Way
First Principle
• Move confrontations away from conclusions
back to the reasoning point.
• When you must guide others to a wiser course
of action, help them seek new approaches
rather then argue about the right answer.
Never debate any point that can be resolved
by examining the facts
First Principle
• People who are unreasonable, don’t know
they are being unreasonable.
• When people think they are being reasonable
you can’t attack their conclusions; you guide
them to a better conclusion using their
reasoning.
• Ex: kid wanting a car.
2nd Principle
• Motivate others by raising their expectations
of themselves.
• When you seek to motivate others, begin by
discovering what they do well. Encourage
them to develop their special talents by
helping them define their own self worth.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=__Gs02Zm
UmE
2nd principle
• No one is willing to learn what you know
unless they see value in what they already
know.
• Resistance does not mean personal
rejection………. It is saying:
• TALK TO ME!!!!!!
3rd Principle
• Persuade others with their energy, not your
own.
• When you wish to convince others, first learn
what is in their best interest. Persuade them
through an appeal to that interest, not
through the force of your words.
4th Principle
• Direct others rather then control them.
• When you supervise other’s efforts, recognize
their need for independence. Assume
responsibility for their doing well, not for
doing their job yourself.
5th Principle
• Give way in order to control.
• When you negotiate with others who demand
that you give in, first seek a middle position
that will satisfy their needs and your limits.
Insist on discussing principles, not personal
preferences.
6th Principle
• Embrace frustration with Empathy.
• When you must calm others who are
distraught, always harmonize with their pain.
Lead them through their distress to reason.
• Don’t feel for the person, feel like them.
7th Principle
• Overcome hard with soft.
• When you must compel others to obey law or
regulations, ignore the impact of their insults.
Enforce the authority of the institution you
represent, not the power of your anger.
• Absorb the negative force and then guide
them into a harmless position.
8th Principle
• Be disinterested when you punish.
• You aren’t deciding the punishment, you are
administering it. A clearly defined
consequence of precisely defined actions.
Words like fair and fitting don’t work. Very few
people think they deserve to be punished. You
must show control and ability. They entered
into this situation with their own free will.
7 things you should never say
• Your butt looks big in those pants!
Never Say
• 1. HEY YOU, COME HERE………
• confrontational from the start…you have the
authority they are going to run.
Never Say
• 2. CALM DOWN!
• The phrase is a criticism of their behavior and
suggests they have no right to be upset.
• Instead; look them in the eye and say gently;
• It’s going to be all right, talk to me, what’s the
matter?
Never Say
• “I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU AGAIN.”
• This is a threat and if you plan to act on it, you
just warned them. If you don’t act, you just
lost power
• Better: Listen, it’s important that you get this
point, so pay close attention to what I am
about to tell you.
• Sir, is there anything I could say that would get
you to do a, b and c. I’d like to think so.
NEVER SAY
• “BE MORE REASONABLE”
• No one will ever say, I now I am stupid and
wrong but here is what I think. You will be
confronted by stupid and wrong people…they
are out there.
• Let me see if I understand your position, then
paraphrase back to them their meaning, as
you see it, in your words.
Never Say
• BECAUSE THOSE ARE THE RULES (OR THAT’S
THE LAW)
• If they are the rules there was a good reason
for it, take the time to explain them.
• Put rules and policies into context and explain
how they are good for everyone…
• 70% of resistant or difficult people will do
what you ask if you just tell them why.
Never Say
• “WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM?”
• It’s snotty. It makes someone feel like they
have a failure…natural response is I don’t have
a problem, you do.
• Soften it up..what’s the matter, How can I
help, I can see you are upset, let me
suggest…..
• Let them talk, you get good insight.(intel)
Never Say
• “WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT?”
• Reeks of sarcasm, is an evasion of responsibility
and a clear sign of a lack of creativity.
• Offer to help sort out the problem, if you can’t do
something for them, point them to someone else.
If really clueless, apologize.
• I am sorry but I don’t know how to fix this for you
I wish I could but I don’t have any
recommendations.