Etiquette in the BDSM Lifestyle
BDSM 103
What is Etiquette?
What is Protocol?
Why should this be important to me?
Who wrote the Protocol Manual for the BDSM
community?
• Levels of Protocol
• What are some typical protocols?
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• Communication Protocols
• Behavioral Protocols
• Postural Protocols
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I use the terms Dominant and submissive
throughout this presentation for simplicity. You
may substitute terms appropriate for your
relationship.
I generally use male pronouns out of habit.
Substitute whatever pronouns you prefer.
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The customary code of polite behavior in
society or among members of a particular
profession or group.
-- Google Definitions
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The conduct or procedure required by good
breeding or prescribed by authority to be
observed in social or official life
-- Merriam-Webster Dictionary
1. Conventional requirements as to proper social behavior.
2. A prescribed code of usage in matters of ceremony.
3. The code of ethical behavior among the members of a profession.
• Random House Kernerman Webster's College Dictionary,
© 2010 K Dictionaries Ltd.
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A system of rules that explain the correct conduct
and procedures to be followed in formal situations.
-- Merriam-Webster Dictionary
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The formal etiquette and code of behavior,
precedence, and procedure for state and diplomatic
ceremonies.
-- World English Dictionary
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A code of ritualized formal etiquette that provides
rules for behavior, interaction and precedence
within the community.
-- Master Shack’s Ultimate BDSM Lexicon
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Protocol (Etiquette) tells you how you are expected
to behave within a particular society, community,
or group.
Protocol acknowledges orders of precedence within
the community.
Common protocols provide order and discipline
among different groups within the community
Would you rather be considered rude and
disrespectful?
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Many of our protocols are based on military
protocols.
Some protocols are based on societal norms.
Some protocols are based on popular fiction.
• Formal.
High
Medium
• Rigid postures.
• Informal.
• Relaxed postures.
• Relaxed.
Low
• Intended to not draw attention.
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There is no definitive Protocol Manual for the BDSM
or Leather communities.
There are some commonly accepted protocols,
although these do have variations between
communities, between organizations, between
families, etc.
These common protocols include
• Communication Protocols
• Behavioral Protocols
• Postural Protocols
How we speak to each other
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Dominants should be addressed by title or as “Sir”
or “Ma’am”. Ask if in doubt.
Submissives should be addressed by title or name
depending on how they were introduced. Ask if in
doubt.
If you don’t know the person and their protocol,
ask before starting a conversation.
◦ Dominants ask if the submissive has permission to talk.
◦ Submissives ask if they may speak to the Dominant.
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Introductions:
◦ Mention the name of the higher ranked/older person first,
then introduce the lower ranked/younger person.
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Some submissives are allowed the use of personal
pronouns when referring to themselves. Listen to
how they speak or ask.
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“Sir,
“Sir,
“Sir,
“Sir,
may I …”
may this slave/it …”
do You wish me to …”
do You wish this slave/it to …”
Dominants and submissives may discuss any
matter at all, at the Dominant’s discretion, but they
do not debate!
General rules of good behavior
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Behavioral protocols are generally designed to
show respect.
They also demonstrate strength of character,
confidence, and etiquette.
Protocols are executed with grace and poise and
quietly.
Proper execution of the common protocols gives
credit to the trainer and the submissive.
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DO NOT TOUCH without permission!
◦ Clothing, including collars or cuffs
◦ Toys
◦ Any part of a person’s body!
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Unless you are in a relationship with the other
person or in an active scene with them, you are
equals.
A submissive normally walks to the left and about
one step behind a Dominant unless instructed
otherwise.
If your Dominant puts something on you it stays on
until He takes it off or directs you to take it off.
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A submissive will always act and respond in such a
way as to make the Dominant’s orders look “right.”
A submissive will never give the appearance that he
thinks a Dominant has made a mistake, whether by
facial expression, body language, or verbal
challenge. If the submissive feels that he has
information the Dominant is lacking, or sees a
better possibility that the Dominant has not
considered, the submissive asks whether the
Dominant wishes him to convey such information.
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Party/Play space Protocols
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Be respectful and courteous.
Learn the rules of the venue as soon as possible.
The play space is for play, not for socializing.
Clean up after yourself.
Don’t make assumptions. When in doubt, ask.
Do not interrupt a scene. Keep a safe distance away.
If you don’t like what is going on, don’t watch.
Leave the drama at home.
Don’t gossip. If you want to discuss something that
happened, don’t use names or locations.
Showing pride in our roles
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We all should take pride in our respective roles in
the community, that includes slaves!
◦ Stand/sit erect with your back straight and shoulders
squared.
◦ Submissives can show their status by keeping their heads
bowed slightly.
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The key to performing these positions properly is
to be able to hold them without wavering and to
move between them smoothly.
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When assuming these position take a moment to
clear your thoughts and “be present” to your
status.
Presenting – Primary position used for greeting and
showing respect
◦ Standing Present
◦ Full Present
◦ Honor Present
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Special purpose
◦ Inspection
◦ Plead/Punishment
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Presenting
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Special Positions
Alamo City Training Academy
Dan Shackelford (Master Shack)
Director
(210) 632-6992
FetLife:
Alamo City Training Academy
https://fetlife.com/groups/30674
Master Shack
https://fetlife.com/users/251604