Building Healthy Marriages Through
12 Conversations About Marriages That Work
Dr. Edward Gray, LMFT
Denver 2007
Smart Marriages
Conference
Harding University
901-681-9200
egray@harding.edu
And do you promise to be best
friends forever, or as long as you
feel like it?
Growing Strong Marriages
• WHEN YOU LEARN TO DRIVE A CAR . . .
• WHEN YOU PURSUE A CAREER. . .
• WHEN YOU TRAVEL TO A NEW COUNTRY. . .
• WHEN YOU HAVE YOUR FIRST CHILD . . .
• WHEN YOU GET MARRIED . . . someone performs the ceremony,
but who helps you build and grow your marriage?
First Marriage Divorce
Statistics
• 1/5 of all first marriages are disrupted by
either separation or divorce in the first
five years.
• After 10 years, 1/3 of all first marriages
are disrupted by either separation or
divorce.
Published by the Department of Health and Human Services, Centers for
Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
From Bramlett, MD and Mosher, WD. Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce, and
Remarriage in the United States. National Center for Health Statistics. Vital Health
Stat 23(22). 2002.
We Need to Mentor Marriages Especially
at Stress Points in the Marital Life Cycle
Marriage Satisfaction Across the
Ages & Stages of the Life Cycle
x
x
x
x
x
x
x
Without
Children
Preschool
Children
School-Age
Children
Adolescent
Children
x
Launching
Children
Empty Nest
Retirement
Transition Points of Marriage
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Engaged & decision to marry
newlywed
the birth of a first child
children entering school
preteens becoming teenagers
launching adult children from the nest
couples entering midlife and retirement
remarriage
Mentor - Greek Mythology
•Mentor was the son of Alcumus and, in his old age, a friend of
Odysseus. When Odysseus left for the Trojan War he placed Mentor in
charge of his son, Telemachus, and of his palace.
•Mentor was a trusted friend, wise advisor - teacher, an experienced
person.
•Odysseus entrusted his son to the wisdom, experience, and guidance
of Mentor.
•We want train marriage mentors for the sons & daughters in our
communities. We want to help them as they adjust to new stages in
their marriages with marriage “Mentors.”
Proactive Strategies
• Ounce of prevention / mentoring is
worth a pound of cure / counseling.
Mentors - A Travel Guide for
Marriage
• Planning a great trip
• Avoiding tourist traps/problems
• Remember one of your vacations?
Someone who has been there before
who tells you helpful stories can be a
tremendous help. ( Durango - Narrow Gauge Railroad)
“The Marriage Movement”
• Diane Solee - 1996 founded the Coalition for
Marriage, Family, & Couples Education -- Denver
2007
• www.SmartMarriages.com
• Grassroots marriage movement: concerned citizens,
therapists, social workers, teachers, researchers,
legislators. . .
• 2006 $ 135,000,000 + in Federal grants from the
ACF (Administration for Children and Families)
– Community marriage initiatives
– Marriage education programs
– Parenting education
“The Marriage Movement”
• 1950s - the beginnings of Marriage and Family
Therapy - paradigm of systemic care - a sort of
revolution in the care of individuals in the context of
their relationships
• 1990s - new emphasis on outreach, prevention and
education for healthy relationships
• Researchers - John Gottman, Howard Markman &
Scott Stanley -PREP, David Olsen - Prepare Enrich
A Short History of Marriage Mentoring:
12 Conversations
Memphis, TN-Community Marriage Initiative 2004
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
Community Marriage Policy - signing
Premarital Counseling Training
Marriage Education Programs
Marriage Mentoring Program: 12 Conversations
Mentoring for Dating Couples: 12 Conversations
Military Version: 12 Conversations
International Version: 12 Conversations
Spanish Edition: 12 Conversations
Why do a military version?
• Unique nature of military marriages
• Mentoring is part of the military culture
• Current demands on military marriage
• Military couples face unique relationship
challenges, such as:
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•
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Frequent moves and separations
Loss of friends due to moves, death
Losing a job because of a spouse’s move
Parental absences due to deployment, etc.
Stress of Deployment
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center Copyright 2005
Deployment creates challenges for couples in their marriage:
• loss of emotional support,
• increased care-giving and household responsibilities
for the at-home spouse
• significant readjustment to marital roles upon reunion.
• spouse at home may face increased loneliness,
depression, anxiety, anger, and physical illness.
• Deployed personnel often feel guilty for leaving their
families and may have similar reactions to separation
(e.g., depression, anxiety, and loneliness).
Combat Issues and Marriage
• Combat experience is related to increased marital
problems. One study found a 62% increase in the risk
of divorce for combat veterans.
• Combat is also associated with subsequent antisocial behavior, such as aggression, which influences
marital problems.
• A supportive spouse makes a difference in how well a
combat veteran readjusts after war. PTSD victims
who made the most progress talked a lot about their
experiences with supportive others, especially a
spouse or intimate friend.
Types of Marriage Education / Growth Programs
Counseling Focus - Formal - High Structure
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Inventory-Driven / Relationship Analysis / Exercises
Prepare/Enrich, Prepare to Last, FOCCUS, Relate
Classes / Workshops
PICK, Active Relationships, Third Option, Retrovaille, PAIRS, Family
Wellness, Connections, Dynamic Marriage, Ultimate Relationships
Lay Counseling-Determine Needs-Address Problems, Teach Skills
Parrotts, Ruhnke, Benson, McLain
Narrative / Life Experiences - Stories - Shared Wisdom
Marriage Mentoring: 12 Conversations & Mentoring for Dating Couples
Friendship Focus - Informal - Low Structure
2007 Dr. Ed Gray, Harding Graduate School, 1000 Cherry Rd. Memphis, TN 38117
901-681-9200
www.12Conversations.com
Types of Marriage Growth “Transportation”
Counseling Focus - Formal - High Structure
Truck / inventories
Bus / classes
workshops
Pickup truck / lay counselors
Sports car
Story tellers
12 Conversations
Friendship Focus - Informal - Low Structure
Design of MM: 12 Conversations
•Successful role models Vs. assessment / counseling model
•Narrative / stories of marriage growth Vs. teaching / lecture
•Emphasis on oral tradition Vs. psychological experts
•Simplified mentor training for mentor couples
•Beta testing of questions . . .
Marriage mentoring is:
• Supportive friendship like a caring aunt/uncle.
• Sharing time, care, and marriage experience.
• Sharing stories of how you have grown as a
couple.
• Encouraging a couple to be successful in their
marriage.
• Serving as a role model of a happy, successful
marriage.
Marriage mentoring is not:
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Counseling or teaching a marriage course.
Taking sides or fixing couples.
Parenting couples.
“Telling all” or relating discouraging stories from
marriage.
• Telling jokes about a spouse or making comments
at his or her expense.
Mentors are. . .
1. NOT in a perfect marriage.
2. NOT trained to be counselors.
3. NOT to take responsibility for solving the
mentored couple’s problems.
4. NOT to have “THE” answers.
5. Sharing our happiness
6. Sharing our commitment
7. Giving to others - a form of sacrifice
8. Connecting with community. . .
Our Concept of Mentoring
• Proactive - start marriage encouragement, support, &
conversations before there are major problems
• Simple - for the average healthy couple in the community
to do with minimal training necessary
• Fun - eating and sharing stories with an encouraging
purpose - Engaging men. . . “Guy-Friendly Marriage Activity”
• Practical - support for couples as they face new stages &
adjustments in marriage - especially at new stages &
transition points
• Respectful - of cultures - less focus on just “middle class”
marriage. What is a good marriage in your
culture/background? Stories from successful couples will
reveal that.
Our Concept for Mentoring
• Application among various cultures/contexts
Mentors bring their cultural contexts to their
mentees.
(Sample Conversation 7)
• Individualistic or Sociocentric cultures
• Wisdom - application among diverse cultures/contexts.
Show me by your life what works. . .
• Encouragement - story telling model - the power of
example & memories. Older and younger couples
learning from one another as they intentionally grow
their marriage relationships.
• Friendship - a couple who cares what is happening to
How the 12 Conversations Program
Works. . .
• Mentor couples meet once a month for about an
hour and a half of conversation. (Like a “doubledate with an intentional purpose.) Engaged
couples may meet more often due to their wedding
date.
• Informal settings - relaxed & comfortable - such
as a home, a favorite cafe, or a coffee shop.
• 12 Conversations topics
• This is a friendship / relationship, not a “class” or
evaluation. This is a mutual story telling, narrative
approach.
• We remember stories.
Sharing Stories
• When sharing a lesson that you have learned, a
negative event, or a mistake that was made,
genuinely share what you did wrong.
• Do not point out what your spouse did wrong.
“Ed’s Lesson Learned”
• Successful story sharing, just as healthy
communicating, means those involved speak for
themselves, not for the other person.
The 12 Topics Are:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10.
11.
12.
Thankfulness
Healthy Marriage Habits: Showing Our Love for Each Other
In-law Relationships: Making Our Life Together
Recreation & Playfulness
Money in Marriage
Communication
Problem Solving
Balancing Acts: Marriage, Family, Community, and Work
Children
Friendship, Closeness, and Intimacy
Planning for Our Future
Celebrating the Holidays
Types of Marriage “Helpers”
•Mentors
–Vitamins for marriage
•Counselors
–Penicillin/medicine for marriage
•Attorneys
•
Surgery/amputation for marriage
- To be avoided wherever possible
Survey Assessment - Pre & Post
Training Manual - page 10-14
•
Research - Grant evaluation / progress of
couples
The Beginning of the Marriage
Mentor Training Workshop
page 13
Pause DVD for a 2-3 Minute Exercise
• Think of a couple in your life who has been
a good role model of a healthy, happy
marriage. (Terry & Susan)
• Turn to the person next to you and share
who this is and what you like about their
marriage.
The Purpose of Marriage Mentoring:
12 Conversations
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To encourage couple friendships that will
provide support to the couple in their marriage.
To help couples talk about the normal and
predictable challenges of marriage &
adjustments
To affirm the strengths of couples as they grow
in their marriage relationship.
The Power of Stories
• The heart of 12 Conversations is the mutual
telling of stories by both couples.
• “Show me what has worked in your life Don’t just tell me to read a book - let me
read your life. . .”
Sharing Stories
• Mentors can decide in advance as a couple
some of the stories they want to share.
• Tactfully describe your mistakes, as well as
discoveries of what worked.
• “We also went through something like that.
Here’s what got in the way of our solving
the problem and here’s what helped us . . .”
How long should a mentor
couple be married?
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. . . long enough to have good experience with life
challenges, successes, conflicts, mistakes, and
current life issues. They need to be successfully
making changes as a couple to their current stage of
marriage.
Part of being a good mentor couple is
“. . . having been there, done that successfully, or
having recovered sufficiently.”
What Does It Take to be a Marriage
Mentor? (An Assessment Inventory Exercise) page
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16 & 17
Do you enjoy your marriage?
Do you look forward to meeting and being with
other couples?
Are you committed to your marriage and do you
believe in its rewards?
Are there things you have learned from other
couples about marriage?
Are you adjusting reasonably well in your
marriage?
(International Edition)
The Untapped Goldmine
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Marriage wisdom in our communities.
The power of example.
The fun of memories & stories.
Beta tested questions. . . “No marriage book
to read. . . All my husband has to do is show
up eat, and tell stories. . . That sounds fun,
Count us in. . .”
Who are Marriage Mentors and
what do they do?
• . . . committed to each other and to the
success of their marriage.
• . . . willing to share their own journey and
what they have learned along the way with
another couple.
• . . . offer their encouragement, support,
hope, and empathy.
What is the Mentors’ Commitment?
• 12 Conversations over a 12 month period or
other set time frame.
• 1.5 hours on a “Double Date” with a purpose.
• Provide the snacks, dessert, or dinner for the
mentee couple.
• Share your stories to encourage a younger
couple to grow a satisfying, lifelong marriage
What are some tips to remember during
mentoring conversations? Page 19
• Start each meeting as you would any
conversation. Exchange pleasantries and
inquire what each other has been doing
today or this week.
What are some tips to remember during
mentoring conversations?
• Be active in your listening. Ask your
mentee couple “questions of interest” as
they share their stories. Remember this is a
“two-way” conversation.
• Be aware as a mentor couple when you are
sharing to stay on the topic rather than
“chasing rabbits.” Reader’s Digest Version.
What are some tips to remember during
mentoring conversations?
• Watch for body language and facial expressions
that indicate good engagement or that perhaps it is
time to move on with the topic.
• Be sure to take turns telling stories. Energy
decreases in the conversation if one party
dominates, whether a couple or an individual.
Encourage a quieter spouse by asking if there is
anything they would add to the story.
What are some tips to remember during
mentoring conversations?
• Keep questions discreetly in front of you. Often it
is possible to work questions into the conversation
instead of having to artificially move from one to
the next.
• Some couples find it helpful to ask the mentees if
there is a question with which they would like to
start. Other mentor couples find it helpful to
simply volunteer a story in response to one of the
questions in order to get the mentoring
conversation started.
What are some tips for the mentoring
relationship between conversations?
• Mentors can nurture the mentoring relationship by:
– Sending notes of encouragement or calling
– Forwarding websites and information about upcoming
marriage enrichment programs and events.
– Keeping in touch by telephone or e-mail.
– Passing along magazine or newspaper articles about
marriage that you think your mentee couple might
enjoy.
Mentor Skill Development
Exercise page 20
Traits of Mentors & Marriage Success - 10 minutes
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Mentor Traits: Authenticity, Consistency,
Humility, & Caring
When you were newlywed, who had confidence
that you would have a successful marriage?
How did they communicate that optimism to
you?
What is one thing they did that was supportive,
encouraging, or reassuring.
Mentor Skill Development
Note the appropriate roles for mentors:
• Advocate for marriage
• Role model
• Peer
• Coach
• Friend
Mentor Skill Development
Note the inappropriate roles for mentors:
• Parent
• Rescuer
• Judge
• Therapist
• Expert
• Enforcer
• Referee
Characteristics of the Mentoring
Relationship
• Investment - time, energy and attention to this relationship.
Offer a window into your own marriage relationship
through your stories as you respond to questions from the
couple discussion guide.
• Service - personal sharing by mentors is done in the service
of the mentored couple’s growth, adjustment, and welfare;
not simply to fulfill the mentors’ desire to have an
audience for their own stories.
Characteristics of the Mentoring
Relationship
• Safety/Security - provide an atmosphere that reduces
anxiety and promotes the freedom of the mentees to share
their stories. Mentors should model self-disclosure,
respect, and acceptance of the mentees.
• Responsiveness - be consistent in scheduling meetings and
demonstrate willingness to support and assist their mentee
couple.
Characteristics of the Mentoring
Relationship
• Empowerment - encourage the mentored couple in
their confidence and competence through sharing
information, experiences, and wisdom.
• Accountability - follow up to ensure that mentees
are benefiting from and enjoying the mentoring
conversations.
Test drive: Getting started with Conversation #1 of
the Mentoring Program
• Imagine this is a first meeting with your mentee
couple. Get together with another couple nearby
and share stories from several of the questions
provided in your handout.
• This first mentoring conversation entitled
“Thankfulness” focuses on the beginning of your
relationship, appreciation of your spouse, and
events leading to your marriage. Be sure to take
turns sharing your stories.
Keeping the Mentoring
Relationship Positive
• Keeping boundaries–Distinguish your own
feelings, experiences and needs from those of the
mentee. Do not impose your own perspective.
Validate the mentee’s perspective and allow
mentees to find their own way of doing things.
• Maintaining privacy – Respect and protect the
privacy of the mentored couple; Do not disclose
personal information about the mentored couple
(intentionally or unintentionally). You may tell
your own marriage stories; do not share your
mentees’ stories with other people.
Keeping the Mentoring
Relationship Positive
• Reasonable Involvement – Do not intrude into the
lives of the mentored couple; Maintain respect for
their lives.
• Flexibility –Realize that your story is not the only
right or best way to do something and that
anything else is wrong or inferior.
• Respecting commitment –Follow through with
meeting for conversations with the mentored
couple. Avoid being too busy to make your
conversation times.
Keeping the Mentoring
Relationship Positive
• Support the marriage relationship – Do not
show favoritism or side with one mentee
against his or her spouse.
• Appropriate limits–Maintain appropriate
limits on your time, availability, friendship,
and self-disclosure
Sexual Matters
• Normalizing male/female differences is important.
• In many cultures husbands initiate sexual intimacy
to feel close to their mate. . .
• and wives on the other hand initiate sex as a result
of already feeling close to their mate through
communication and friendship. . .
• In other cultures sex is about fulfilling a duty or
providing children a symbol of blessing.
Sexual Matters
• Conversation Ten: Friendship, Closeness, and
Intimacy.
• Good sexual adjustment in marriage occurs when
there is a healthy level of friendship and closeness
in the couple relationship.
• Some couples have anxieties about sexual issues
and their sex life.
• Some cultures will not talk openly or at all about
their sex life. Be respectful of your couple.
Sexual Matters
• Depending on cultural perspectives . . . The
mentor couple needs to discuss with each other
their own comfort zone in what stories they are
open to sharing before engaging in Conversation
10 with their mentee couple.
• As is culturally appropriate, mentors’ sensitivity to
discussing sexuality as a normal and expected part
of marital adjustment provides powerful role
modeling.
Workshop Training Manual:
Other Topics
Communication Do’s and Don’t’s
Needs that may extend beyond the
scope of mentoring
If a Mentee Couple has a Crisis. . .
Ending the Mentoring Relationship
Quarterly Mentor Meetings
Year End Celebration
Needs That May Extend Beyond the
Scope of Mentoring - page 26
• Sometimes problems may arise that are
beyond the scope of this mentoring
relationship.
Needs That May Extend Beyond the Scope
of Mentoring
If the problems listed below are difficulties for the
mentee couple, they should be referred to the
mentoring coordinator for assistance and
resources.
1. Mental health problems
2. Addictions/Compulsions
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•
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Substance abuse
Sexual addictions (pornography, internet or phone
sex, affair, etc.)
Gambling
Needs That May Extend Beyond the Scope
of Mentoring
3. Domestic violence
4. Severe or persistent financial problems
5. Infidelity
Tips for Responding to a Crisis -
page 27
1.
Listen effectively. Give your full attention. Make sure
you understand what is being communicated. Provide a
supportive presence.
2.
Be nonjudgmental. People in trouble need an ally, not an
evaluation.
Tips for Responding to a Crisis
3.
Clarify the essential dilemma. Identify the problem, the
meaning the person is making of the problem, and what
is needed to resolve the problem.
4. Set specific goals. Agree on who will take what action
toward achieving them.
5.
Determine available resources and how to mobilize them.
Refer your couple to the marriage mentor coordinator.
Tips for Responding to a Crisis
6.
Determine your availability and assistance. Share
what you can do for your couple.
7.
Provide nurturing, support, and TLC. People need
comfort during difficult times.
8.
Check in on a regular basis. See how things are
going.
9.
Offer hope, encouragement, and praise. Expect a
successful outcome.
Ending the Mentoring
Relationship
• During the last mentoring conversation, ask
the couple to share with you their
experience of the mentoring relationship.
• Ask them for their ideas about how they
will continue growing their marriage once
the mentoring relationship ends.
Ending the Mentoring
Relationship
• Questions to explore include:
– “How has our mentoring relationship benefited you?”
– “In what ways has our time together enhanced your
marriage relationship?”
– “What is one important thing you have learned about
marriage as a result of our spending time together?”
– “What will you do to continue strengthening and
growing your marriage?”
Ending the Mentoring
Relationship
• When the steering committee plans the
celebration event at the end of the year of
mentoring, be sure to sit with your mentee
couple. Share an enjoyable experience from
mentoring and recall stories and strengths of
your marriage relationships.
Ending the Mentoring
Relationship
• Continue to call your mentee couple and
encourage them that they will be blessed
with a long and satisfying marriage. Perhaps
one day they will bless others by becoming
a mentor couple.
For Additional Information
Train the Trainer Workshops
Contact:
Dr. Ed Gray
1000 Cherry Road
Memphis, TN 38117
www.12Conversations.com
Email: egray@harding.edu
Phone: 901-681-9200.
Overview of the Twelve Conversations
•The topics deepen as the relationship grows
between the couples.
•Open questions encourage experiences and stories
to be told.
Initial Meeting
During the initial meeting you will:
• Discuss the role of confidentiality about the
mentoring conversations.
• Create a nonjudgmental setting in which they
can tell their stories.
Initial Meeting
• Between meetings, both couples will find it
helpful to discuss “A Step Beyond the
Mentoring Conversation” and to look over the
scriptures and questions for the next meeting.
Sample Questions from the
Conversations
Conversation 1 – Thankfulness
• How did you and your spouse meet?
• What are some special stories about your
marriage proposal, engagement, wedding
plans and wedding day?
• What couples have been good examples
for you of happy marriages? What have
you liked about these marriages?
Conversation 2 – Healthy
Marriage Habits
• How do you show your love for each
other in little ways and big ways?
• How do you divide tasks and
household chores?
Conversation 3 – Leaving and Cleaving:
Making Our Life Together
• How did marriage change your
relationship with your parents?
• How are your families similar? How
are they different?
Conversation 4 – Joy & Happiness
• What activities do you enjoy as a couple to
keep joy and happiness in your relationship?
• What are some low-cost or free
entertainment ideas you have discovered
over the course of your marriage?
• Who initiates and plans your dates as a
couple? How regularly do you date?
Conversation 5 – Money in
Marriage
• How are you different and/or similar from one another on the
following items.
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Save for a rainy day vs. spend it now while we have it
Money as security
Money as entertainment-“Why have it if you don’t enjoy it?”
Money as a duty / gift to be shared with others
Money as status and power
Coupons-bargains vs. convenience-buy it now
• How did your families differ regarding money when you were
growing up?
• What are some discoveries and compromises you have made in
your differences about money?
Conversation 6 – Communication
in Marriage
• How would you rate your parents’ communication:
great, good, average, poor, or bad? Why do you give it
this rating?
• Are there certain words or phrases that you learned
growing up which conveyed a different message to
your spouse than you intended?
• Who is more assertive in your relationship?
• How would each of you describe your own
personality?
Conversation 6 – Communication
in Marriage
• Women tend to share and connect with others
over problems. Men tend to fix problems as
quickly as possible. How have you navigated
this typical difference?
• What is one of the best conversations you have
had as a couple?
Conversation 7 – Problem
Solving in Marriage
• What problems or crises have you faced growing up?
How did your family respond?
• What problems or crises have you weathered as a
couple? How have these strengthened your marriage?
• How were anger and other emotions handled in your
family as you grew up? How has that influenced what
you have done as a couple in your marriage?
Conversation 7 – Problem
Solving in Marriage
• How were arguments handled in your family
growing up? How do you argue as a couple?
• What helps you to listen better when discussing
a problem with your spouse?
Conversation 8 – Balancing Acts:
God, Marriage, Family, Community, and
Work
• How have friends helped your marriage?
Have they at times interfered with your
marriage?
• Do work responsibilities negatively affect
your couple and family life?
• What are things you do together as a couple
which make your marriage stronger?
Conversation 9 – Children
• How has having children or not having children
affected your marriage? What challenges have you
faced?
• How did your experience growing up in your
family influence your ideas about parenting?
• What are some family traditions or rituals you
especially enjoyed growing up or now as an adult?
How do you keep these traditions or rituals going?
• What personal stories or legacy would you like to
pass on to the next generation?
Conversation 10 – Friendship,
Closeness, and Intimacy
• What do you do now to nurture and maintain your
closeness as a couple?
• What do you do that brings laughter into your
marriage?
• How does the overall quality of your marriage,
friendship, emotions and communication affect
your intimacy?
• What is one special memory of an intimate
occasion, date or event that has blessed your
marriage?
Conversation 11 – Planning For
Our Future
• What changes have you faced in your marriage
together to this point? (health, work, school,
children, housing, in-laws, finances)
• How has your relationship changed since you
were first married?
• What goals are you working toward in your
marriage? (Children, family, education, church,
faith, finances, home, career, hobbies, travel . . .)
Conversation 12 – Celebrating
the Holidays
• What are your favorite traditions from the families in
which you grew up?
• How have you dealt with your in-laws’ expectations
and differences during the holidays?
• How do you decide with which family you will spend
the holiday?
• Do you like gift surprises or do you like to have input
on your gifts? Do you like the practical or the
impractical?
Program Organization
Developing a Mentoring Program
Training Manual - page 3
Coordinator’s Introduction
Job description for the coordinator
Sample newsletter articles available on CD with
additional artwork and forms
Action Plan Stages 1-5
Training Manual
- page 8
Action Plan for Developing a Marriage
Mentoring Program
Stage 1 - Leadership Education
• Leaders need to discuss mentoring as a way
to serve and strengthen marriages.
• The 12 Conversations model is different - a
relationship / friendship model of mentoring
Action Plan: Stage 2
Coordinator Selection and Assembling a
Committee
•
•
A chairman or program coordinator (possibly a
couple) needs to be designated and a support
committee recruited and familiarized with the
mentoring program.
Decide how the mentor training will be
conducted:
1. Dr. Gray as visiting trainer
2. Teacher Using the Training Manual
3. DVD training video set
Action Plan: Stage 3 - Advertising
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•
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Newsletter and website articles. Sample customizable
MS Word files are provided in the 12 Conversations
program materials on CD
Announcements in public assemblies, churches, ethnic
barber shops & salons, or ESL classes need to be made.
Mailings, PowerPoint announcements, bulletin boards,
fliers, and letters.
Action Plan: Stage 3 - Advertising
•
Visits from the coordinator or committee members to target
individuals for both recruiting mentor interest and mentee
participation in the program are essential.
•
Conduct a “Great Marriage-Role Model” nomination of 10, 20, 30,
or more couples (depending on the size of the community) who are
respected for having a good marriage. ( Those “Winners” become
great potential mentors.)
•
Get to know your mentors. Train them in classes about marriage.
They become your “co-teachers” of marriage education.
Action Plan: Stage 4
Mentor Training Workshop
•
Conduct a training workshop in a relaxed atmosphere.
•
Provide light snacks or dinner at a break time.
•
Make this a festive and enjoyable time of training.
•
Decorate the training room to celebrate marriage from
various cultures. If mentor couples have a photograph of
themselves from their wedding or early years of
marriage, a poster of pictures could be assembled.
Action Plan: Stage 5
Matching Mentors and Mentees
The couple matching can be done in several ways, including:
1.
a random matching of names from the two lists.
2.
a committee decision based on matching couples taking into
account cultural background and the couples’ information
provided on the sign up information forms.
3.
a mentor chairperson who matches mentors and mentees.
A schedule of contact with your mentor
couples - page 7
• 1st month - Beginnings - send a letter of
congratulations & encouragement
• Months 2, 5, 8, 12 - Meetings for mentors encouragement & check-in
• Months 9 - 12 Plan a mentoring celebration &
plan for the next year of mentoring
Military Edition of
Marriage Mentoring
• 1,412,133+ military personnel on active duty
– 1,184,095 Enlisted personnel
– 228,038 Officers
• 145, 500+ serving in Iraq and Afghanistan (Incountry)
• 52.9% of active duty personnel are married
(all services average)
Chaplaincy-based or Family Support
Services-based Program
• Mentors can be veterans in our communities
• Sharing experience and wisdom
• Proactive for healthy marriage instead of
reactive to marriage problems
• Active Duty Military Personnel: More than 90% of military
spouses are women. They are generally young, especially
spouses of enlisted personnel.
• Reserve Personnel: More than one-half of Selected Reserve
members who are 18 or older were married in 2002.
• Dual Military Marriages: In 2003, nearly 7% of married activeduty military personnel were in dual-military marriages (married
to someone also in the military).
National Healthy Marriage Resource Center Copyright 2005