Detailed Instructions for Preparing a Sandwich (with unnecessary precision)
Objective:
To assemble one (1) structurally stable, edible, and aesthetically unimpressive
sandwich.
Required Equipment
1. One (1) clean, flat surface — ideally a cutting board. If you’re feeling
rebellious, use the kitchen counter and pretend hygiene is optional.
2. One (1) knife — not the serrated one for bread unless you crave crumbs in
your soul.
3. One (1) butter knife or spoon — for spreading condiments, not for jousting.
4. One (1) plate — optional, but helps disguise your lack of table manners.
5. One (1) napkin — for the illusion of civility.
Ingredients

Two (2) slices of bread, from the same loaf to avoid existential texture
conflicts.

One (1) to two (2) tablespoons of butter, mayonnaise, or other spreadable
guilt.

One (1) or more fillings, which may include:
o
Meat (ham, turkey, chicken, etc.) — preferably not still alive.
o
Cheese (slice or shredded, your call).
o
Vegetables (lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles — basically edible leaves
and spheres).
o
Optional seasonings (salt, pepper, or a hint of regret).
Step-by-Step Procedure
1. Wash your hands.
Use soap and water. Yes, both. Rub for at least 20 seconds. Imagine you’re
trying to erase your internet search history.
2. Place the cutting board on the countertop.
Align it parallel to the edge of the counter with no more than a 1 cm gap,
because uneven surfaces lead to crooked sandwiches, and crooked
sandwiches lead to chaos.
3. Lay out two slices of bread.
Position them side by side with the crust edges aligned horizontally. Ensure
the same side (the flatter, less porous one) faces up on both slices.
4. Apply the spread.
o
Hold the butter knife at a 30-degree angle relative to the bread
surface.
o
Scoop exactly one tablespoon of your spread. Level it — we’re not
savages.
o
Starting from the upper left corner of the first slice, spread in smooth,
overlapping strokes toward the bottom right corner.
o
Ensure full surface coverage; dry corners are a crime against texture.
o
Repeat on the second slice if you want balance. If not,
congratulations — you just invented edible asymmetry.
5. Add the primary filling (e.g., ham).
o
Fold or layer the slices neatly. Do not stack them all in the middle
unless you enjoy sandwich topography disasters.
o
Each corner should have visible protein presence. Yes, corners
matter.
6. Add cheese (if applicable).
o
Align the cheese slice so that all four corners approximately match
the bread’s perimeter.
o
If it’s circular, rotate it until it offends your sense of geometry the
least.
7. Add vegetables.
o
Lettuce first: one leaf, centered, trimmed to fit within 2 mm of the
bread edge.
o
Tomato slices next: two rounds, arranged symmetrically. No overlap
greater than 25 %.
o
Optional onion or pickles: place evenly; uneven distribution is
anarchy.
8. Season if desired.
A light sprinkle of salt and pepper, not an avalanche. Use a steady wrist —
not the hand tremor you get from three coffees.
9. Close the sandwich.
o
Take the top slice and rotate it 180 degrees relative to the bottom one
to ensure crust alignment.
o
Lower it gently, like you’re tucking in a sleeping toddler, not dropping
a brick.
10. Compress slightly.
Apply gentle downward pressure with your palm for exactly two seconds.
Enough to stabilize, not enough to create a bread pancake.
11. Cut (optional but recommended).
o
Use the knife.
o
Angle 45 degrees from one corner to the opposite.
o
Cut in one smooth motion — sawing back and forth is for
lumberjacks, not lunch.
12. Plate it.
Place the halves symmetrically, cut edges facing outward for dramatic effect.
Add chips, or don’t — your arteries, your choice.
13. Admire your creation briefly.
One to two seconds only; any longer and the bread starts absorbing
moisture from your self-satisfaction.
14. Consume.
Lift using thumb on bottom crust, index and middle finger supporting the top
edge.
Take a bite no larger than 3 cm deep — any more and you’re risking jaw
dislocation.
Would you like Toran to make this read like an industrial operations manual next —
with process flow, tolerances, and failure modes?