LIBRETTO VOCAL BOOK
Book by
Karey Kirkpatrick & John O’Farrell
Music & Lyrics by
Wayne Kirkpatrick & Karey Kirkpatrick
Conceived by
Karey Kirkpatrick and Wayne Kirkpatrick
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ARNING (SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE)
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THANK YOU!
Book by John O’Farrell and Karey Kirkpatrick Copyright © 2015
Words and Music by Wayne Kirkpatrick and Karey Kirkpatrick. Copyright © 2015 Mad Mother
Music and Really Rotten Music. All Rights for Mad Mother Music Administered by Razor &
Tie Music Publishing, LLC. All Rights for Really Rotten Music Administered by
WB Music Corp.
All Rights Reserved. Used by Permission.
(Last Revised — November 2019)
C H A R AC T E R S
Shakespeare
Nick Bottom
Nigel Bottom
Nostradamus
Bea
Brother Jeremiah
Portia
ENSEMBLE:
Minstrel
Townspeople
Troupe
Lord Clapham
Shylock
Bard Boys
Crowd
Chorus
Etc.
— iii —
1.
ACT 1
2.
MUSICAL NUMBERS
Overture .........................................................................................................1
Welcome to the Renaissance .........JEREMIAH, PORTIA, ENSEMBLE .........1
2A.
Welcome to the Renaissance (Playoff) ..............................ENSEMBLE .........6
3A.
God, I Hate Shakespeare (Playoff) ...............................................................13
3.
3B.
4.
God, I Hate Shakespeare ..............NICK, NIGEL, MALE ENSEMBLE .......10
Nick & Bea's Flat ...........................................................................................15
Right Hand Man....................................................BEA, NICK, NIGEL .......18
4A.
God, I Hate Shakespeare (Reprise) .............................................NICK .......22
5A.
A Musical (Tag) .............................................NICK, NOSTRADAMUS .......33
5C.
Portia and Nigel Meet...................................................................................34
5.
5B.
6.
A Musical .................................NICK, NOSTRADAMUS, ENSEMBLE .......27
Brother Jeremiah ...........................................................................................34
The Black Death ............................NICK, NIGEL, MALE ENSEMBLE .......37
6A.
The Black Death (Incidental) ........................................................................40
8.
Will Power ................SHAKESPEARE, NIGEL, PORTIA, ENSEMBLE .......48
7.
I Love the Way............................................................PORTIA, NIGEL .......44
8A.
Will Power (Playoff)......................................................................................54
9A.
Shakespeare (Incidental)...............................................................................64
9.
10.
Shakespeare’s After Party..................................................ENSEMBLE .......57
Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top ..............NICK, NIGEL, BEA, SHYLOCK
SHAKESPEARE, ENSEMBLE .......69
— iv —
11.
ACT 2
Entr ’acte ........................................................................................................76
11A. Welcome to the Renaissance (Reprise) ..............................MINSTREL .......76
12.
Hard to Be the Bard ...................SHAKESPEARE, MALE ENSEMBLE .......77
13.
It’s Eggs .......................................................NICK, MALE ENSEMBLE .......84
14.
We See the Light ..............PORTIA, NIGEL, JEREMIAH, ENSEMBLE .......91
12A. Hard to Be the Bard (Playoff) .......................................................................82
13A. Portia Incidental............................................................................................88
14A. We See the Light (Playoff) ............................................................................96
14B. Portia and Nigel Kiss ....................................................................................97
15.
16.
Nigel’s Theme ............................................................................NIGEL .......97
To Thine Own Self Be True.......................NIGEL, MALE ENSEMBLE .....101
16A. To Thine Own Self (Part 2) .........................NICK, MALE ENSEMBLE .....105
16B. To Thine Own Self (Playoff) .......................................................................106
16C. Right Hand Man (Reprise) .............................................................BEA .....110
17.
Something Rotten...........NICK, SHAKESPEARE, MALE ENSEMBLE .....112
18.
Make an Omelette ........................................NICK, NOSTRADAMUS,
17A. Intro to Omelette .........................................................................................114
SHAKESPEARE, ENSEMBLE .....115
18A. After Omelette .............................................................................................119
18B. Into the Courtroom .....................................................................................120
19.
To Thine Own Self (Reprise) ..........................................NICK, NIGEL .....122
20.
Welcome to America ........NICK, NIGEL, BEA, PORTIA, ENSEMBLE .....126
22.
Exit Music ....................................................................................................129
19A. Shakespeare in Court .........................................................ENSEMBLE .....123
21.
Bows .............................................................................................................129
APPENDIX
Alternate Lines .....................................................................................................130
— v —
A N OT E F RO M T H E AU T H O R S
We’re delighted that you have chosen to produce Something Rotten! and we hope
you have as much fun with it as we did. We thought we would just mention a few
things we learned in the creation of the original Broadway version that might help
you find the right tone for your own production.
If you think your audience or your performers might be sensitive to the number of
curse words and sexual references or innuendo, we have a list of alternates that
you can use at your discretion.
In Act 2 when Nigel reads his sonnet to Portia, there is a balance to be struck
regarding the sexual overtones. When Nigel says he “finished too quickly” he is
referring to the poem and it should be played as such. If his body language,
contortions, physicalizations, etc. are too overt, it might get a laugh in the moment,
but it risks shattering the innocence of these two characters.
Shylock is of course Jewish, but this shouldn’t be over-emphasised for comic effect.
There might be a temptation to costume and wig him in a way that suggests
orthodoxy from the “old world” but remember the old world in which our show is
set is 1595 and the Jewish people of the English Renaissance didn’t look like the
Orthodox Jews of, say, 19th century Russia or even New York for that matter. So
we would suggest avoiding things like a yarmulke or payots or the like. And when
he uses the well known Yiddish phrases, we would suggest not going overboard
with the pronunciations as it might border on caricature and become
unintentionally offensive.
Nostradamus was written as a male part but if you wish to cast a female actor,
then she can play it male (as Thomas) or play it as female and call herself “Nancy
Nostradamus”. Ditto Lord Clapham who can become Lady Clapham. If you do not
have enough male performers to have all the Renaissance writers, there is an
alternative lyric to accommodate this. We do ask that you keep all the members of
the Bottom brother’s troupe male as it was illegal in 1595 to put women on stage
and the dialogue in the show supports this. If you don’t have enough male
performers, then we would suggest you have the females play the parts as males.
It maintains the historical accuracy we were aiming for.
— vi —
In regards to some of the musical numbers, there are a few places we’d ask that
you be mindful of the intended rhyme scheme. In GOD I HATE SHAKESPEARE,
there are the lyrics “you wish you could pen one, we wish we were in one.” In
order to make that rhyme work, “pen” needs to be pronounced closer to “pin” so
that it rhymes with “in.” In MAKE AN OMELETTE, to achieve maximum comedic
effect, be sure to accentuate the “t’s” in the rhymes “the kingdom is fraught and
it’s all gone to pot… heaven help us there is something rott--en.” The “en” should
be pronounced with a very forced “uhhnnn.”
Regarding the use of anachronisms, the fact that Nostradamus can look into the
future and predict things that might happen in theatre can suggest that anything
goes when it comes to costumes and props – particularly in the songs A MUSICAL
and MAKE AN OMELETTE as there are numerous references to existing musicals.
We found it to be most successful if these references are slightly off (as an example,
the Phantom from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA shouldn’t look exactly like the
Phantom from the Broadway show). Keep in mind that Nostradamus is often close
but not entirely accurate, so we encourage you to conceive your costumes, props or
set designs as if they were being explained to you by Nostradamus. In our minds,
it pushes the ideas further away from parody and closer to satiric pastiche which is
the desired result.
Thank you again for selecting Something Rotten! and to paraphrase the words of
Bea; “We’re sure you’ll give ‘em a show they’ll never forget!”
Karey Kirkpatrick, Wayne Kirkpatrick & John O’Farrell
See Appendix on page 130 for a list of Alternate lines provided by the Authors.
— vii —
— viii —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
ACT 1
#1—Overture
There’s a curtain on which hangs a large banner which reads:
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
A MINSTREL strolls onto the stage in front of the curtain, strums his lute:
MINSTREL
WAR OF THE ROSES, CHAUCER’S TALES
THE BRUTAL FEUDAL SYSTEM
HOLY CRUSADES, BUBONIC PLAGUE
CAN’T SAY THAT WE’VE REALLY MISSED ‘EM
SO DARK AND BARBARIC, SO DULL AND MUNDANE
THAT WAS SO MIDDLE AGES
THAT WAS SO—CHARLEMAGNE
Curtain opens to reveal...
— 1 —
— 2 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 1: A South London Street (In 1595)
Tudor buildings, a theater front, (a la Globe Theater) and TOWNSPEOPLE.
MINSTREL
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WITH POETS PAINTERS AND BON VIVANTS
AND MERRY MINSTRELS
WHO STROLL THE STREETS OF LONDON
A STRUMMIN’ THEIR LUTES
2 MEN
IN PUFFY PANTS AND POINTY LEATHER BOOTS!
The TOWNSPEOPLE join in.
MINSTREL
TOWNSPEOPLE
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WHERE WE OOH AND AHH YOU WITH AMBIANCE
WE’RE SO PROGRESSIVE
THE LATEST AND THE GREATEST
THE LATEST AND THE GREATEST
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WE BRING IT TO YOU—WITH MUCH ADO
WHERE EVERYTHING IS NEW
WE BRING IT TO YOU—
MEN
HERE WE’VE MADE ADVANCES IN THE SCIENCES
THEY hold up very old scientific; sextant, telescope, etc.
WOMEN
WE HAVE THE LATEST GADGETS AND APPLIANCES
THEY hold up a bellows, a cauldron, a washboard, a pewter mug, etc.
SOLO WOMAN
OUR MUGS ARE MADE OF PEWTER
SOLO MAN
OUR HOUSES ALL ARE TUDOR
MINSTREL
DECORATED WITH A MODERN FLAIR
WOMEN
SEE US IN OUR PETTICOATS AND FARTHINGALES
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
MEN
OUR TRENDY BEARDS WE TRIM TO LOOK LIKE SWALLOW TAILS
CROWD
WE’RE CALLED ELIZABETHANS
PURITANS step forward (BROTHER JEREMIAH, PORTIA and 1 other PURITAN
WOMAN)
BROTHER JEREMIAH
THEY’RE ALL A BUNCH OF HEATHENS
JEREMIAH, PORTIA, PURITAN WOMAN
HEATHENS HEADED STRAIGHT FOR YOU KNOW WHERE
MINSTREL
WHILE WITCHES ARE BURNING, AND WARS TEND TO START
WE BRING YOU MOMENTS OF CULTURE AND ART
CROWD
CULTURE AND ART...
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WELL OUR PRINTING PRESS HAS THE FANCY FONTS
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE FANCY
AND VERY LITERARY, THEATRICAL, TOO
IT’S WHAT WE DO
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WHERE EVERYTHING IS NEW!
Music changes, more contemporary. THEY do a funky modern dance. FRANCIS
BACON steps up, holding a chicken.
MAN 1
HEY LOOK IT’S FRANCIS BACON WITH A CHICKEN
WHAT’S HE MAKIN’?
WOMAN 1
MAN 1
WELL I THINK HE’S FOUND A WAY OF FREEZING MEAT
THAT’S NEW!
CROWD
WALTER RALEIGH enters, smoking a pipe.
— 3 —
— 4 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
MAN 2
HEY LOOK IT’S WALTER RALEIGH
FOUND A NEW WORLD BY GOLLY
WOMAN 2
AND HE’S BROUGHT US ALL TOBACCO, WHAT A TREAT!
ALSO NEW!
CROWD
A red carpet is rolled out from the theater and a sign above is revealed:
“ROMEO & JULIET—Ye Olde World Premiere.”
MINSTREL
AND WE HAVE A LIST OF WRITERS WHO
ARE ALWAYS WRITING SOMETHING NEW
IT’S TRUE! WE DO!
LIKE WHO?!
CROWD
SOLO MAN
MINSTREL
LIKE WHO? LIKE DEKKER!
WOOO!
JOHN WEBSTER!
WOOO!
BEN JOHNSON!
UH HUH.
CROWD
MINSTREL
CROWD
MINSTREL
CROWD
AND CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE
THOMAS KYD, THOMAS MIDDLETON, THOMAS MOORE
MINSTREL
AND OUR BRIGHTEST STAR
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 5 —
CROWD
YO!—HE’S THE BOMB, THE SOUL OF THE AGE
THE WHIZ OF THE ELIZABETHAN STAGE
HE’S INCREDIBLE, UNFORGETTABLE
HE’S JUST SO FREAKIN’ AWESOME!
SHAKESPEARE!... SHAKESPEARE!!
SHAKESPEARE enters—and is instantly mobbed (blocking our view of him) He enters
the theater, the CROWD turns.
WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM
WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM—WE LOVE HIM!
HIS PLAYS ARE SO BRILLIANT
HIS WRITING’S FIRST RATE
HIS ACTING’S INCREDIBLE
CROWD (HALF 1)
ISN’T HE GREAT, ISN’T HE GREAT
WE—LOVE—HIM!!
CROWD (HALF 2)
WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM
WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM
CROWD
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
NOT THE ONE IN ITALY OR IN FRANCE
NO THE ONE IN ENGLAND
THE ONE WHERE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE IS CREAM OF THE CROP
MINSTREL
THE ONE WHERE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE IS THE TOP!
CROWD
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
TO A 16TH CENTURY EXPERI-AHNCE
IN THE AGE THAT’S GOLDEN
THE OLDEN DAYS ARE OVER, WE BID THEM ADIEU
WELL HAL-LE-LU!
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE WHERE EVERYTHING IS NEW!
EVERYTHING IS NEW—WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
EVERYTHING IS NEW
MINSTREL
CAUSE RENAISSANCE MEANS REBIRTH!
— 6 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
The song ends. Applause. THEY break the tableau and exit as the MINSTREL steps
forward.
#2A—Welcome to the Renaissance (Playoff)
CROWD
WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM...
WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIM, WE LOVE HIIIIIIIM
MINSTREL
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WHERE NOT EVERYONE’S GETTING WHAT HE WANTS
IT’S SO FRUSTRATING
CAUSE IF YOU’RE NAME IS SHAKESPEARE, YOU’RE HOTTER THAN HOT
BUT IF YOU’RE ANY OTHER WRITER THEN YOU’RE NOT
The exterior of the theater opens to reveal.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 2: T he T heatre
Inside the theater NICK BOTTOM steps forward, standing center stage wearing a
crown and cape. He is flanked by his TROUPE.
NICK
Oh noble kinsmen that royal blood and love do bind.
Seek now thy own succor, and flee thy native land.
To die today twill not be done til dawn
Ta-tee, ta-tum, da-dee-da-dum and who talks like this?
(to Nigel)
Nigel, why can’t we just write like we speak?
TOM SNOUT
Yeah. I haven’t understood a single word in our last three plays.
ROBIN enters in a dress.
Did I miss my cue?
ROBIN
NICK
Robin, what are you wearing? This isn’t dress rehearsal.
ROBIN
Oh. I, um, thought it might help me get into character if I were to wear dresses and
hang out in taverns and flirt with men. You know... for research.
PETER QUINCE
Nick, I have a question about motivation...
Yes...?
Why haven’t you given up yet?
NICK
PETER QUINCE
NICK
Peter! This one is working, I can feel it—it’s just missing something right here.
Nige, help me out.
NIGEL
Um, well... I did write something in my notebook last night...
(removes a small leather bound book from his satchel)
I was thinking it might be good if King Richard is contemplating his own mortality...
but now that I’ve said it out loud, it sounds stupid.
— 7 —
— 8 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Well, let me read it.
It’s probably terrible.
Let me see!
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
There’s a tug of war. NICK finally gets the notebook and reads as NIGEL nervously
looks on.
NIGEL
Oh, God, it’s bad, isn’t it? I don’t even know why you let me write with you.
Nigel, it’s good.
Yeah?
It’s really good.
Well, I put a lot of layers in it...
One suggestion.
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
(pointing to pages)
How about instead of “tombstones” he says “epitaphs.”
NIGEL
Oooh, yeah—that’s better. Good one, brother.
NICK
Okay, everyone take your places. Let’s try this.
(reading)
Let us talk of graves, of worms, of epitaphs;
(raised eyebrow to Nigel, impressed with himself)
Make dust our paper, and with rainy eyes
Write sorrow on the bosom of the earth.
(then—fist pump)
Yes! That is good! I’m starting to believe this is gonna be the Bottom Brothers’ first
hit.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Pity we have to shut it down!
— 9 —
LORD CLAPHAM
LORD CLAPHAM, their patron, enters. He’s a lessor lord and extravagantly overdresses
to compensate; pink and orange satin with a ridiculously ornate feathered hat. THEY all
bow to him.
NICK
Lord Clapham. What do you mean—shut it down?
LORD CLAPHAM
Guess whose next production is going to be The Tragedy of Richard the 2nd??
CLAPHAM unrolls a scroll/POSTER that says “THE TRAGEDIE OF RICHARD II
by William Shakespeare.” TROUPE GASPS!
Shakespeare??
NIGEL
NICK
Why is he doing Richard the 2nd?? He just did Richard the 3rd! Who goes
backwards?!
NIGEL
He breaks convention. That’s why he’s so great.
NICK
Oh yeah? Did you see Romeo and Juliet? What’s so great about two lovers who kill
themselves in the end?
LORD CLAPHAM
OH, YOU’VE SPOILT IT! I’m seeing it this evening.
You should. It’s life-changing.
NIGEL
NICK
Is it? “Love you, stab myself, drink poison, the end.”
LORD CLAPHAM
(putting fingers in his ears, stomping like a child)
STOP IT! STOP IT, STOP IT! You’re ruining everything! Now I paid for an original
play and you will lose my patronage, do you hear? No more money—unless I hear a
new idea—on the morrow!
I think that means “tomorrow”
TOM SNOUT
— 10 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
PETER QUINCE
If he quits, we’re all out of a job...
CLAPHAM starts to exit. NICK follows.
Lord Clapham, please...
NICK
LORD CLAPHAM
Write something original — like the Bard!
CLAPHAM exits
NICK
The “bard.” Why is he the Bard? He’s uh bard. Just like I’m a bard, you’re a bard.
HE’S JUST ONE OF THE BARDS!
NIGEL
He’s the Bard because he does it all: histories, tragedies, comedies.
NICK
Comedies?? Name one thing of his that’s funny. Gimme a line, anything.
NIGEL
“On my word, we’ll not carry coals for then we should be colliers!”
NIGEL laughs. The TROUPE laughs.
That’s not funny! Urggggghhhhhh...
NICK
#3—God, I Hate Shakespeare
(stomping the downbeat)
GOD I HATE SHAKESPEARE!
<GASPS>
TROUPE
THAT’S RIGHT I SAID IT.
NO!
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
I DO I HATE SHAKESPEARE
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 11 —
ROBIN
WHY?
NICK
I JUST DON’T GET IT
HOW A MEDIOCRE ACTOR FROM A MEASLY LITTLE TOWN
IS SUDDENLY THE BRIGHTEST JEWEL IN ENGLAND’S ROYAL CROWN
OH, GOD I HATE SHAKESPEARE
HIS PLAYS ARE WORDY
BUT OH NO, THE “GREAT” SHAKESPEARE
THAT LITTLE TURD, HE
HAS NO SENSE ABOUT THE AUDIENCE, HE MAKES THEM FEEL SO DUMB
THE BASTARD DOESN’T CARE THAT MY POOR ASS IS GETTING NUMB
TROUPE
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT?
NICK
IT’S EASY I CAN SAY IT CAUSE IT’S ABSOLUTELY TRUE
TROUPE
DON’T BE A PENIS, THE MAN IS A GENIUS
NICK
HIS GENIUS IS HE’S FOOLING ALL OF YOU.
NIGEL
BUT—HE’S BRILLIANT, WHAT MAJESTY FLOWS FROM HIS PEN
HIS POETRY SOARS LIKE A SWEET VIOLIN
GOD’S OWN INSPIRATION LIKE LIGHTNING DOTH STRIKE HIM
AND HE CAPTURES MY SOUL—
Jeez, you sound just like him!
Really? Thanks!
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
YOU SHOULD HATE SHAKESPEARE!
<GASP>
TROUPE
NIGEL
WELL I DON’T I TRY TO EMULATE SHAKESPEARE
— 12 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
WELL THERE’S YOUR PROBLEM, YOU’RE SO
BLINDED BY “THE BARD” WHO’S SUCH A POMPOUS LITTLE MAN
NIGEL
WHY IS IT A PROBLEM TO ADMIT THAT I’M A FAN
NICK
CAUSE HE’S A HACK WITH A KNACK
FOR STEALING ANYTHING HE CAN
TROUPE
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT
THE MAN REALLY KNOWS HOW TO WRITE A BITCHIN’ PLAY
(whispered)
YOU WISH YOU COULD PEN ONE
WE WISH WE WERE IN ONE
NICK
I JUST WISH THAT HE WOULD GO AWAY!
NIGEL
Well, that’s not gonna happen because everyone I know says he’s the greatest writer
England’s ever known!
NICK
AND THAT’S ANOTHER THING I HATE ABOUT SHAKESPEARE
IS ALL THE TWITS WHO BLOVIATE ABOUT SHAKESPEARE
AND HOW THEY PRATTLE ON
ABOUT HIS GREAT ACCOMPLISHMENTS WELL, LA DE DA DE DAH.
AND ONCE THEY START THEIR GUSHING THERE’S NO STOPPING THEM
AND THEN IT’S “BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH SHAKESPEARE
AND HE WALKS IN, IT’S ‘DUM DA DUM, TA DA!, SHAKESPEARE!
HE’S HOLDING COURT AND THEY SAY...
“WILL, YOU’RE SUCH A GENIUS AND YOUR WRITING IS DIVINE”
“A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME IS SUCH A CLEVER LINE”
AND THEY’RE ALL “OOOOH” AND HE’S ALL “STOP”
AND THEY’RE ALL “YAY!” AND I’M ALL “UGGGGGHH”
AND I’M REALLY GETTING SICK OF IT!
AND OH, OH OH I HATE SHAKESPEARE
TROUPE
I THINK BY NOW WE SORTA KNOW YOU HATE SHAKESPEARE
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 13 —
NICK
SHMAKESPEARE!
THE WAY HE FEIGNS HUMILITY WHEN ALL HE DOES IS GLOAT
THE WAY HE WEARS THAT SILLY FRILLY COLLAR ‘ROUND HIS THROAT
THE POSTER CHILD FOR WHY NO ONE SHOULD EVER PROCREATE
LET ME MAKE A SHORTER LIST AND I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT
EVERY LITTLE THING ABOUT SHAKESPEARE
IS WHAT I HATE
TROUPE
HATES, HE HATES, HE CLEARLY SURELY REALLY TRULY
HATES SHAKESPEARE.
DON’T HATE.
Song ends. After applause...
Nick, do we still have a job!?
NIGEL
PETER QUINCE
TROUPE
Yeah, what are we gonna do!/Where will you find a patron?/What Show are we
doing now!/I’m Hungry, etc.
NICK
It’s ok... don’t worr... Tom, it’s gonna be... QUIET!
(THEY quiet)
I’ll take care of it. Come back tomorrow and we’ll have a new idea.
#3A—God, I Hate Shakespeare (Playoff)
THEY exit, muttering nervously as the set transforms into...
— 14 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 3:
A South London Street / Outside Nick & Bea’s House
TOWNSPEOPLE mill about.
NICK
New idea... new idea... we need a new idea.
NIGEL
I still say we should write our life story—two orphaned brothers, their father lost at
sea, whose mother died of a broken heart. How you, at age 14, carried me, your
sickly little brother on your back—all the way from Cornwall.
NICK
No. We gotta think bigger! We have to innovate. The world is changing. I recently
heard about a man who has a toilet that flushes.
NIGEL
Really?? He doesn’t throw his shit into the street?
NICK
No. He pulls a lever and it gets whooshed down a pipe... and then into the street. And
that’s what we need. Something new.
NIGEL
But that’s what you’re good at—big ideas. I’m really just a poet at heart. You were
doing better without me, oh God am I the problem?
NICK
No. Shakespeare is! Why did I ever suggest he become a writer? I was just trying to
get him out of our troupe because he was so annoying. Now he’s like this giant sun...
that... that...
NIGEL
“Shines so bright, no other star is seen.”
NICK
See? That’s good! Which is why we work together. Now let’s get to it.
NIGEL enters Nick’s house (which has just moved into place). Before Nick enters,
SHYLOCK steps out from around the corner.
Nicholas Bottom.
SHYLOCK
NICK
Shylock! What are you doing at my house?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Your debt is due.
Shhhh...
— 15 —
SHYLOCK
NICK
(pulls him away from house)
I’ve, uh... hit a little setback with the play. But—if you give me another week—I’ll
name a character after you.
SHYLOCK
Too late. Shakespeare already promised that. I can see it now. “Shylock—the really
nice Jew.” Here’s a better offer. Cut me in as an investor in your play and I’ll cancel
your debt.
NICK
You’re not a patron, you’re a money lender!
SHYLOCK
BECAUSE THAT’S THE ONLY JOB THEY’LL LET JEWS DO! But what I really love
—ohhhhh, what gives me nachus in my pupik—is the theater. I LOVE IT! I-love-it
I-love-it I-love-it. I love the sights, the smells, the roar of the crowd, the splat of the
fruit as it hits the actors. It’s a temple to me, I tell you. A temple! Catholic, Protestant,
Jew—I don’t give a rats tuchus. My religion—is theater.
NICK
Wow, I had no idea. But I can’t, it’s illegal. If I let you invest we’d both be hanged at
Tyburn.
SHYLOCK
At least you’d finally have an audience. Take the weekend. Mull it over. Because on
Monday, your interest doubles.
#3B—Nick & Bea's Flat
SHYLOCK exits. NICK rubs his brow, feeling the pressure. TRANSITION MUSIC
HE enters his house.
— 16 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 4: Nick & Bea’s House
NICK enters. NIGEL is at the table eating from a bowl. BEA is at the cast iron kettle
over the fire.
Hello, darling. How was your day?
THEY kiss.
NICK
BEA
Interesting. I went to the stocks and watched the mob throw cabbages at the
criminals.
NICK
What’d you do that for?? You hate all that!
I know, it was awful.
BEA
(handing him a bowl)
Boiled cabbage?
Ah. I see.
I think it’s delicious.
NICK
NIGEL
BEA
Aw, thanks Nige. There would’ve been meat, but the landlord came by demanding
the rent—took our last shilling right out of my hand. Then I was gonna surprise you
with some mutton—but sheep are fast.
NICK
Wait, wh—you chased a SHEEP? Alright, that’s it.
HE pushes away from the table and heads for a WOODEN LOCK BOX on the mantle.
What are you doing?
I’m just...
BEA
NICK
HE grabs the money box. SHE quickly takes it away.
BEA
No! We’ve been through this, we do not touch the money box!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHE puts it back.
— 17 —
NICK
Come on, Bea... we shouldn’t have to live like this. You deserve better.
BEA
And so do you—we all do, and that’s what we’re saving for. A better life. A simple
cottage in the country, for all of us. You, me, a couple of kids...
(taking money back, passing Nigel)
...a room for Nigel and maybe his wife one day?...
(embarrassed)
NIGEL
Oh, stop it..
BEA
Now, I know it’s been a while since we’ve put any money in there, and that’s why I
was thinking—I should get a job.
NICK
What? No, if you get a job, that will just make me feel like a failure. None of the
other writers’ wives have jobs.
BEA
Well, they should. This is the nineties! We’ve got a woman on the throne and by the
year 1600, women will be completely equal to men. Ooh! I just thought of the perfect
job for me. I could be in your play!
NICK
What?? You can’t act.
SHE BURST INTO TEARS, covers her face with her hands.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
BEA
Gotcha. See I can act.
NICK
You know it’s illegal to put women on stage.
NIGEL
And anyway, our play’s been cancelled.
What?
BEA
NICK
Not cancelled, Nige. That’s such a negative way to put it.
— 18 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(firing him a look)
(NICK)
I mean, yes, we are no longer doing Richard the Second but only because we’ve
come up with... a better idea!
Oooh, what is it?
Can’t say. Don’t want to jinx it.
So... there is no idea.
Well, we’ve had the idea...
BEA
NICK
BEA
NICK
HE motions to Nigel, help me out here...
... that we need an idea.
NIGEL
NICK gives Nigel a “what the hell was that” shrug?
BEA
Then let me help you! I’ll go out and earn some money and that’ll take the pressure
off you guys.
NICK
Bea, listen...
#4—Right Hand Man
BEA
No, you listen. Cause I just want to make things better and I need to know that you
understand...
(sings)
IF YOU EVER GOT IN TROUBLE
I WOULD BE THERE ON THE DOUBLE
JUST TO BAIL YOU OUT
IF THERE’S ANYTHING YOU LACK
YOU KNOW I’VE ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK
THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(BEA)
THINK OF ME AS YOUR SIDEKICK
HELPING YOU WHENEVER I CAN
I’M MORE THAN JUST A WOMAN, BABY
WHEN THE PRESSURE’S COMIN’, BABY
LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN
But you’re not a man. I’m the man.
Uggggh!
NICK
BEA
(to Nigel)
He’s not hearing me.
(back to Nick)
IF YOU’RE EVER IN A PICKLE
YOU CAN CALL FOR ME AND QUICK’LL
BE HOW FAST I RUN
But... I’m not in a pickle.
NICK
BEA
YOU AND ME SHOULD BE A TEAM
FOR ANY DREAM OR ANY SCHEME
THAT’S HOW IT SHOULD BE DONE
SURE, I COULD STAY IN THE BACKGROUND
JUST SMILING EVERY NOW AND AGAIN
BUT JUST TO BE A PRETTY LADY
THAT WOULD BE A PITY, BABY
LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN
NIGEL
You should probably listen. She’s usually right.
Eat your cabbage.
NICK
SHE steps in front of Nick. HE tries to protest, SHE keeps interrupting his attempts.
BEA
I AM STRONGER THAN YOU THINK
DON’T BE THINKIN’ I AIN’T TOUGH
— 19 —
— 20 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(BEA)
I AM WHERE YOU OUGHTA GO
WHEN THE GOING’S GETTIN’ ROUGH
SO WHEN THINGS ARE GOING BADLY...
BUT THEY’RE NOT
THEY KIND OF ARE
NICK
NIGEL
NO, THINGS ARE FINE
BUT IF THEY WEREN’T
BUT IT’S OKAY
LUV.
WHAT?
MMMM.
WHAT??
Quit trying to protect me!
Can we change the subject please?
NICK
BEA
NICK
BEA
NICK
BEA
NICK
BEA
NICK
BEA
NOT UNTIL I KNOW THAT...
IF YOU’RE EVER IN A FIX
AND IT’S A FIX YOU NEED TO NIX
THEN I’M YOUR GO TO GUY
YOU’RE NOT A GUY
DON’T BE SO LITERAL...
NICK
BEA
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
AND DON’T FORGET
— 21 —
(BEA)
I’M NOT A SHRINKING VIOLET
A SOLID ROCK AM I
SO DON’T BE THINKING I’LL CRUMBLE
WHEN THE YOU-KNOW-WHAT HITS THE FAN
NICK tries to speak. SHE kisses him to stop him from speaking.
THERE’S NO PROBLEM THAT’S TOO BIG
WHEN YOU’RE MARRIED, THAT’S THE GIG
SO DON’T BE A SEXIST PIG!
IS IT ASKING TOO MUCH OF YOU?
IT’S ONLY ‘CAUSE I LOVE YOU
LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT
IN FACT I’LL SHOW YOU THAT I’M RIGHT...
SHE grabs a bow and arrow, straps it on.
What are you doing now?
I’m gonna get you boys some MEAT!
(singing)
NICK
BEA
BABY I’M YOUR RIGHT
DON’T PUT UP A FIGHT
I CAN BE YOUR RIGHT
STARTING HERE TONIGHT
LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN
LET ME BE YOUR RIGHT HAND—MAN
SHE slams the door and is gone.
What just happened?
NICK
NIGEL
I’d love to have someone to do stuff like that for me. I think it’s sweet.
NICK
It’s humiliating. She goes out in the town square collecting old cabbage to feed us?
What sort of husband am I? That’s why we need a new idea. One great idea can turn
everything around. Oh, and we need it by tomorrow.
— 22 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Tomorrow?? Oh God...
NIGEL
NIGEL starts breathing quickly, clutching his chest.
NICK
Don’t...
(starting to hyperventilate)
NIGEL
I just... I don’t think I can write under this sort of pressure.
NIGEL’S breathing gets worse, he doubles over, gasping for air. NICK grabs his
shoulders, steadies him.
NICK
It’s okay. Breathe, breathe... I’ll ... see what I can come up with, and we’ll start again
first thing in the morning.
OK—sorry Nick.
NIGEL
(hugs him)
#4A—God, I Hate Shakespeare (Reprise)
I love you so much.
I love you, too. Now get some sleep.
Okay.
NICK
NIGEL
NIGEL plops down in his bed and is out cold. NICK sighs—the weight of the world on
his shoulders.
GOD I HATE SHAKESPEARE
BUT WHEN I SIT AND REALLY CONTEMPLATE SHAKESPEARE
I GUESS I HATE THE FACT THAT HE IS EVERYTHING
I EVER DREAMED THAT I COULD BE
I MOSTLY HATE THE WAY HE MAKES ME FEEL ABOUT ME
CAUSE THE TRUTH IS, IT WOULDN’T BE THAT BAD TO BE SHAKESPEARE
IN FACT, I’D GIVE MY LEFT NAD TO BE SHAKESPEARE
IF I COULD ONLY HAVE ONE TINY LITTLE SMIDGEN OF HIS NOTORIETY
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(NICK)
IT COULD RELIEVE ME FROM THE PRESSURES OF RESPONSIBILITY
I’VE GOT TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, GOT TO FIND THAT POT OF GOLD
IF THERE WAS JUST SOME WAY TO KNOW
JUST WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS...
(suddenly has a thought)
What the future holds...
HE checks to make sure no one is around, then lifts the wooden chest, removes a bag of
coins from it, then puts the box back and exits. Set transitions to...
— 23 —
— 24 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 5: Soothsayer Alley
There’s a row of rundown storefronts manned by various psychics, fortune tellers,
astrologers, etc.
ASTROLOGER
Tarot cards! Palm readings! Amputees get half price!
Lucky heather sir?
PSYCHIC WOMAN
Thanks, but... I need more than luck.
NICK
NICK approaches a MAN WITH AN EYEPATCH, checks over his shoulder.
Psst. Hey. I’m looking for a soothsayer.
(pointing)
EYEPATCH MAN
Norbert the Knowing. Supposed to be the best.
A second story window opens, NOSTRADAMUS pokes his head out.
NICK
(reading)
“Out of business due to unforeseen circumstances.”
(then...)
So obviously not the very best.
NOSTRADAMUS
Did I hear a need for future seeing?
The window closes. We hear footsteps on stairs, then falling, pots and pans, a cat
SCREECH, then a door opens and Nostradamus steps out.
If seeing is what you need, then I can help you. If help is what you need, then I can
see you. If neither is what you need, then I can foresee you leaving very shortly. So—
am I hired? Actually, I know I will be, I’m just being polite.
Who are you?
I—am Nostradamus.
THE Nostradamus?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
No. I’m his nephew. Thomas.
Thomas Nostradamus?
— 25 —
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
(raising his hand as if giving oath)
I promise. But I share the same gifts as my esteemed uncle. And for half a crown, I’ll
share those gifts with you. And I predict for you a new life... with no teeth! That was
a freebie.
NICK
Uhhh... I’ll keep looking if you don’t mind.
Suit yourself.
NOSTRADAMUS
(getting a vision, then eerily)
But beware the sign of the black dog.
NICK
Right. Thank you. Good luck in the asylum.
NOSTRADAMUS goes one way, NICK goes the other. A PUB SIGN shifts and falls,
stopping just before hitting Nick on the head. It says "THE BLACK DOG." (or—a
MAN walks past carrying a sign, nearly hit Nick with it. When the man turns, we can
see the sign says "BLACK DOG PUB")
Half a crown you said?
NOSTRADAMUS returns as NICK pays him.
NOSTRADAMUS
Excellent! Now—what is it you would like the future to tell?
Well, I’m a writer—
I knew that.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
...and I want you to look into the future and tell me...
(checks to make sure no one’s listening)
What will the next big thing in theater be?—what audiences will be lining up to see.
— 26 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS
Right. Stand back. Give me some space.
HE shakes out and warms up like an athlete before an event, then more hacking and
clearing his sinuses, then squints hard and puts his fingers to his temples. He squints—
then gets the shivers.
Oh. Oh my. Wow. Ooooh, in the future, the theaters are very niiiice. Cushy red seats.
AND A ROOF! And wait!... whoa, what is this?? It’s UNBELIEVABLE!
What? What?!
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
That much?? For a glass of wine?!?!
How about what’s on the stage?
Right. Getting to that...
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
HE squints, then gets a vision that causes him to stumble backwards. NICK has to
catch him.
Whoa! What spectacle! I have seen the future!
What, what is it??!
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
The biggest, most fantastic thing in theater will be...
(painting it in the air)
MUSICALS.
What?
(painting it again)
Musicals.
What the hell are “musicals?”
(squinting into the distance)
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
It appears to be a play where the dialogue stops and the plot is conveyed through song.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Through song?
Yes.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
Wait, wait. So—an actor is saying his lines and then, out of nowhere, he just starts
singing??
NOSTRADAMUS
Yes!
#5—A Musical
WELL, THAT IS THE...
NICK
STUPIDEST THING THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD
YOU’RE DOING A PLAY, GOT SOMETHING TO SAY
SO YOU SING IT? IT’S ABSURD
WHO ON EARTH IS GOING TO SIT THERE
WHILE AN ACTOR BREAKS INTO SONG
WHAT POSSIBLE THOUGHT CAN THE AUDIENCE THINK
OTHER THAN THIS IS HORRIBLY—WRONG?
NOSTRADAMUS
Remarkably, they won’t think that.
Seriously? And why not?
Because.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
IT’S... A...
MUSICAL, A MUSICAL
AND NOTHING’S AS AMAZING AS A MUSICAL
WITH SONG AND DANCE, AND SWEET ROMANCE
AND HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPENING BY HAPPENSTANCE
BRIGHT LIGHTS, STAGE FIGHTS AND A DAZZLING CHORUS
YOU WANNA BE GREAT THEN YOU GOTTA CREATE
A MUSICAL
NICK
I don’t know, I find it hard to believe people would actually pay to see something
like this.
— 27 —
— 28 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS
LET’S JUST SAY IT’S A SATURDAY NIGHT
AND YOU WANNA GO OUT ON THE TOWN
GOT A LADY TO FLATTER WHO MIGHT
GIVE IT UP IF YOU DON’T LET HER DOWN
YOU COULD GO SEE A TRAGEDY
BUT THAT WOULDN’T BE VERY FUN
OR A PLAY FROM GREEK MYTHOLOGY
SEE A MOTHER HAVE SEX WITH HER SON? EW.
YOU COULD GO SEE A DRAMA,
WITH ALL THAT TRAUMA AND PAIN
OR GO SEE SOMETHING MORE RELAXING
AND LESS TAXING ON THE BRAIN
Behind him, the ENSEMBLE of psychics, palm readers, etc, join him... becoming the
chorus.
GO SEE A...
MUSICAL, A MUSICAL
A PUFFY PIECE RELEASING ALL YOUR BLUESICALS
WHERE CROONERS CROON...
A CATCHY TUNE
CHORUS
(AH AH AH AH)
AND LIMBER LEGGY LADIES THRILL YA TILL YA SWOON
OOHS, AHHS—BIG APPLAUSE
AND A STANDING OVATION
NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS
THE FUTURE IS BRIGHT, IF YOU CAN JUST WRITE
A MUSICAL
NOSTRADAMUS
SOME MAKE YOU HAPPY, SOME MAKE YOU SAD
SOME ARE QUITE BIG, SOME QUITE SMALL
CHORUS
SOME ARE TOO LONG, SOME ARE JUST PLAYS WITH SONG.
SOME MUSICALS HAVE NO TALKING AT ALL
No talking at all?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
THAT’S RIGHT, THERE’S NO TALKING.
ALL OF THE DIALOGUE IS SUNG
IN A VERY DRAMATIC FASHION
(AH)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 29 —
NICK
Um... really?
NOSTRADAMUS
YES, REAALLLLLLY
There’s no tal—
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
THERE’S NO TAL-KING
AND THEY OFTEN STAY ON ONE NOTE FOR A VERY LONG TIME
SO THAT WHEN THEY CHANGE TO A DIFFERENT NOTE YOU NOTICE.
(dramatic chord)
AND IT’S SUPPOSED TO CREATE A DRAMATIC EFFECT
BUT MOSTLY YOU JUST SIT THERE ASKING YOURSELF
WHY AREN’T THEY TALKING?
Sounds miserable.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
I BELIEVE IT’S PRONOUNCED MISER-AHHH-BLUH
And people actually like this?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
No! They love it! And what’s not to love?
(singing)
IT’S SUCH A DELIGHT, THERE’S NOTHING QUITE LIKE
A MUSICAL
(fingers to temples)
Whoa, wait! Another vision. I haven’t even told you the best part.
(singing)
FEEL THAT FASCINATING RHYTHM MOVE INTO YOUR FEET
Um... what is that?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS shimmies his feet.
NOSTRADAMUS
FEEL YOUR ASS GYRATING TO THAT TITILLATING BEAT
— 30 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS shakes his butt to the beat of the drum.
Whoa... are you okay?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
YOU SLAP YOUR LAP
(SLAP, SLAP)
THEN FINGER SNAP
(SNAP, SNAP)
THAT’S WHEN YOU KNOW IT’S TIME TO TAP
NOSTRADAMUS does a little tap dance...
What the hell are you doing now?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
It’s called a “dance break.” Apparently, this happens in musicals as well. People on
stage, just bursting into spontaneous dance!
Why? Does it advance the plot?
No.
Develop character?
Nope!
Then why do it?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
Because—IT’S ENTERTAINING! 5, 6, 7, 8!
CHORUS taps onto stage as Nostradamus’s vision comes to life: a big homage to
Broadway production numbers.
GRAB A SEAT AND JUST RELAX.
(more tapping)
MUSICALS HAVE JUST TWO ACTS!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 31 —
(NOSTRADAMUS)
More tapping, NOSTRADAMUS ends up center stage.
(fingers to temples)
Another vision!
IT’S A MUSICAL!
WHATTAYA TALK, WHATTAYA TALK
IT’S A MUSICAL, A SUESSICAL?—
NO A MUSICAL, WITH GIRLS ON STAGE!
A MUSICAL!
CHORUS
NOSTRADAMUS
WE’VE GOT SNAPPY REPARTEE
AND THE WOMEN ARE RISQUE
AND THE CHORUS BOYS ARE KINDA GAY
NOSTRADAMUS
A MUSICAL!
A TRUE-OO-OO, BLUE-OO-OO, NEW-OOO MUSICAL!
CHORUS
A MUSICAL!
—MUSICAL!
ALL THAT JAZZ homage then segues into something that suggests BUENOS AIRES
from Evita.
NOSTRADAMUS
STAND BACK!—IT’S A MUSICAL!
Then THEY freeze in a pose as piano plays an homage to SEASONS OF LOVE.
Some musicals are very serious.
Then something JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR-ISH.
NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS
A BIG GLITTERING MUSICAL! A MUSICAL!
And then into HARD KNOCK LIFE
IT’S A MUSICAL—FOR US!
The DANCERS swirl around him...
NOSTRADAMUS
A BRIGHT AND SHINY MIGHTY FINE-Y
GLITTER GLITZ AND CHORUS LINE-Y
BOB YOUR HEAD AND SHAKE YOUR HINY
MUSICAL
— 32 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS
IT’S A MUSICAL
(IT’S A MUSICAL)
IT’S A MUSICAL
(IT’S A MUSICAL)
Nick steps forward full of hope and wonder, surrounded by the chorus.
NICK
Yes! Now, I get it!
WE’LL DO A MUSICAL.
NOSTRADAMUS
No kidding!
NICK
A MUSICAL
WHAT COULD BE MORE AMAZING THAN A MUSICAL
WITH SONG AND DANCE, AND SWEET ROMANCE
(CLAP)
AND WITH A MUSICAL WE MIGHT HAVE
HALF A CHANCE
NICK, NOSTRADAMUS
OOHS AHHS, BIG APPLAUSE
WITH EVERYONE CHEERING FOR US
The CHORUS line up like SWEET CHARITY and applaud.
NOSTRADAMUS
AND FOR SOME UNEXPLAINABLE REASON
THE CROWD GOES WILD EVERY TIME
WHEN DANCERS KICK IN UNISON
IN ONE BIG WONDERFUL LINE
CHORUS moves into Rockette’s style kick line.
NOSTRADAMUS, NICK, CHORUS
AND THEN YOU’VE GOT YOURSELF
A MUSICAL—A MUSICAL
A LA-LA-LA-LA LA LAPALOOZICAL
WITH SPLASHY STYLE, AND A BIG FAKE SMILE
A SNAZZY BAND, SOME JAZZY HANDS
I SWEAR THAT I’LL
CROSS MY HEART, HOPE TO DIE
IF IT ISN’T A DOOZY
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS
TAKE IT FROM ME, THEY’LL BE FLOCKING TO SEE
NOSTRADAMUS, NICK
YOUR STAR LIT, WON’T QUIT BIG HIT
MUSICAL!
A CHORUS LINE-style ending (homage to "ONE") with actors holding headshots in
front of their faces...
NICK, NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS
A BIG HIT MUSICAL!
Song ends. After the (hopefully) long applause...
You really think that’ll work?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
Actually, sometimes it works so well, you do the end of the exact same song,
AGAIN! A 5-6-7-8!
#5A—A Musical (Tag)
NICK, NOSTRADAMUS
TAKE IT FROM ME, THEY’LL BE FLOCKING TO SEE
YOUR STAR LIT WON’T QUIT BIG HIT MUSICAL!!!
Big finish. The set changes to...
— 33 —
— 34 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 6: A South London Street / Outside T he T heatre
#5B—Brother Jeremiah
NIGEL enters, writing ideas in his LEATHER NOTEBOOK.
NIGEL
Okay, come on, Nigel. Big idea for a show... big idea...
(smacking his head)
Oh, for a muse of fire... Oof!
He’s bumped into PORTIA, a woman dressed in black Puritan garb causing her to drop
her Bible. His pages fall.
Sorry... I wasn’t looking where I was...
PORTIA
No, that was my fault, I had my head in the—.
THEIR EYES MEET. MUSIC STING as they experience love at first sight. They are
drawn towards each other, then PORTIA sees the page she’s holding. She reads it, looks
up in awe.
#5C—Portia and Nigel Meet
Is this a poem?
NIGEL
Uh huh.
PORTIA
Are you... a poet?
NIGEL
Uh huh.
PORTIA
I love poetry. And the way poets use lyrical language to express the beauty of life.
Uh huh.
NIGEL
THEY stare into each other’s eyes.
BROTHER JEREMIAH (O.S.)
Portia! Come away from that heathen at once!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHE snaps out of it as BROTHER JEREMIAH, a Puritan dressed in black with a flat
brimmed hat, pulls her away, eyeing Nigel suspiciously. NICK enters with a lute
strapped over his shoulder.
Nigel! There you are. Big news.
Me, too. I think I’m in love.
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
You?? With who?
NIGEL points. THE HAGGARD WOMAN has stepped in front of Portia, looking
crazed.
Wow. I guess a guy can only wait so long.
NIGEL
Not her. Her.
The HAGGARD WOMAN moves away revealing PORTIA—who is standing next to
BROTHER JEREMIAH.
NICK
A Puritan!? Are you mad?? DO YOU KNOW WHO HER FATHER IS??
JEREMIAH stands on a soap box flanked by PORTIA and OTHER PURITANS as he
preaches liked a crazed street evangelist.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
Brethren, I say unto thee... the theaters are a scourge upon our land! Where men
dress as women and kiss other men. I have seen it myself and it did stiffen my...
resolve!
(HE furrows his brow, what did I just say?, then moves on)
For such sinful role-play is the gateway to lustful desires and fantasies of the flesh!
NICK
You really want that guy giving a speech at your wedding reception?
BROTHER JEREMIAH
(pointed, towards Nick and Nigel)
Let not thy sacred soul be poisoned by the playwrights and poets whose dark
invention diverts simple minds from the one true book...
(as HE is exiting, effetely to his men)
C’mon, boys.
— 35 —
— 36 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK pulls Nigel away, not noticing that he is still staring at Portia. SHE throws him
one last glance before SHE exits.
NICK
Forget about her. It’ll never work. Now listen. You know the big idea we’re looking
for? Well, I’ve got it.
You have?
NIGEL
NICK
Yes. Now, I want you to listen with an open mind because it’s a bit radical.
Okay. What is it?
(painting it in the sky)
NIGEL
NICK
A MUSICAL.
(NIGEL looks confused)
It’s a play with songs—but the songs advance the plot and develop character as they
seamlessly segue from dialogue into singing.
NIGEL thinks about it for a beat.
That... is... the most... amazing idea.
Yeah?
NIGEL
NICK
NIGEL
It’s brilliant actually. How better to express the inner longings of the human soul than
with music? And you’re always writing songs on your lute.
NICK
I already dusted it off and started banging out a few tunes. And all those poems of
yours?—there’s your lyrics!
NIGEL
Wow. It’s perfect for us. How did you come up with this?
(quickly diverting question)
NICK
That’s—not important. But this is good, right?
Yeah. “A MUSICAL.” I love it.
NIGEL
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
We just need to figure out what it’s about.
I still say we should tell our...
NIGEL
NICK
Please don’t say two brothers from Cornwall.
NIGEL
But why not? I think we should just write something emotionally true, something
from the heart.
NICK
No! We need to think bigger. Was the Bible written from the heart?
Well, I would hope so.
NIGEL
NICK
Okay, it probably was but my point is—Matthew, Mark, Luke? Those writers were
writing about an event. Something big, epic, world-changing.
(suddenly hit with an idea)
I’ve got it!
#6—The Black Death
Yes! Why didn’t I think of this before?
What?!
NIGEL
NICK
The most significant historical event in the last thousand years!
LIGHTS OUT on them and up on the TROUPE who appear on the stage behind them.
— 37 —
— 38 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 7: T he T heatre
TROUPE
WHAT’S THAT COMING UP THE SILK ROAD OUT OF CHINA?
THE BLACK DEATH
(BLACK DEATH, OOH!)
THE BLACK DEATH
(BLACK DEATH, OOH!)
WHAT’S THAT CREEPING ROUND YOUR PEEPEE AND YOUR VAGINA?
THE BLACK DEATH—IT’S GONNA GET YA
IT’S THE BLACK DEATH—IT’S GONNA HIT YA
WITH THOSE BLISTERS OOZING LIKE SYRUP
THAT PESTY LITTLE PESTILENCE IS KILLING HALF OF EUROPE
IT’S THE BLACK DEATH—AND IT’S COMING FOR YOU...
GRIM REAPERS enter with their scythes.
MMMM MMM MMM MMM MMM... MMMM... MMMM...
THE BLACK DEATH
(BLACK DEATH, OOH)
THE BLACK DEATH
(BLACK DEATH, OOH)
MMMM MMM MMM MMM MMM... MMMM... MMMM...
BLACK DEATH IT’S GETTING CLOSER
IT’S THE BLACK DEATH IT’S GETTING GROSSER
AND IT’S MAKING IT’S WAY ACROSS ENGLAND
SOON EVERYTHING THAT’S DANGLING
WON’T BE ANY GOOD FOR DINGLIN’
IT’S THE BLACK DEATH—AND IT’S COMING FOR YOU
BLACK DEATH!
Song ends. NICK turns to LORD CLAPHAM.
Well, m’lord? What do you think?
They’re singing.
NICK
LORD CLAPHAM
Right. That’s what you do in a musical.
NICK
LORD CLAPHAM
But they’re singing about the plague!
NICK
I know! Shakespeare would never do something like this!
LORD CLAPHAM
Because it’s a terrible idea! You’ll make me look ridiculous!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
THEY look at his outrageous costume.
— 39 —
NICK
But I can guarantee you—everyone will love it!
Nick and Nigel Bottom!
Almost everyone.
BROTHER JEREMIAH (O.S.)
NICK
NICK turns as BROTHER JEREMIAH and his PURITANS enter.
Brother Jeremiah? To what do we owe the pleasure?
BROTHER JEREMIAH
Pleasure is a sin. As is music, which I’ve heard emanating from this—den of iniquity.
NICK
Den of iniquity? What makes you say that?
JEREMIAH looks around at the troupe; some dressed as reapers, others like plague
victims, ROBIN in his dress. HE curtsies.
Hello.
ROBIN
BROTHER JEREMIAH
As if theater wasn’t heinous enough, you’ve now added music—which leads to
dancing... which stirs the loins and promotes lustful desires, which is why we must
see the theaters pulled down—for we can not abide such ungodly erections.
There’s an awkward pause as the phrase just hangs there. JEREMIAH continues.
As a magistrate, I have much influence with the Master of the Justice. So you listen
to this, Bottom. If you continue promoting this filth and debauchery, I will see you
tied to a post begging for mercy as I give you the rod.
(HE pauses a moment, pondering what he said, how it sounded...)
Good day, sir.
The PURITANS exit. PORTIA throws one last look at Nigel.
That’s it. I’m out.
But Lord Clapham...
LORD CLAPHAM
NICK
LORD CLAPHAM
I am sorry, gentlemen, but these religious nutters frighten me. I must withdraw my
patronage. Good day.
— 40 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
CLAPHAM exits.
Please, sir, you can’t... UGHHHHHHH.
NICK
PETER QUINCE
I can’t believe you just let that happen!
THEY all start arguing, talking over each other..
SNUG
(to Tom)
You shoulda been a better reaper! You’re reaping was shite!
ROBIN
If we had better dresses... this wouldn’t have happened!
PETER QUINCE
My reaping was superb! Take that back
TOM SNOUT
You weren’t a grim reaper, you were like the annoying reaper/etc.
NICK
WOULD EVERYONE PLEASE JUST CALM DOWN!!!!!
THEY all freeze. NICK takes a big calming breath.
I’m on it.
#6A—The Black Death (Incidental)
The uncertain TROUPE exits as NIGEL stumbles downstage and the theater set
transitions to...
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 8: A South London Street
TOWNSPEOPLE enter and MINGLE and shop at the market stalls and shop fronts.
NIGEL begins to hyperventilate again...
Nick! We just lost our patron!
NIGEL
(doubling over)
Oh god, I can't take this, this is bad...
(breathing heavy)
NICK
No, no, don’t go there. Breathe, breathe, walk it off
NICK walks him toward the bench.
A group of WORKERS carrying shovels, file in. NICK bumps into BEA who is
disguised as man carrying a bucket.
Watch it, ya daft eejit!!
(that’s “idiot” with accent)
Sorry, sir. Beg your pardon.
BEA
NICK
NICK keeps walking as TWO LADIES pass. BEA stalks the ladies in a macho way.
Oy, darlings. Buy you a pint, eh? Eh!?
(recognizing the voice)
Bea?
(still in accent)
BEA
NICK
BEA
Don’t know what yer talkin’ about, lad. Name’s Johnny.
Bea, I know it’s you.
NICK
BEA
But I fooled you for a second, didn’t I? Told you I could act!
— 41 —
— 42 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
What the hell are you doing dressed like that?
BEA
Remember that job I mentioned? Turns out all the good ones are for men. And
besides, I know you need help because you said “I don’t need help.”
NICK
Bea, this just makes me feel—
(sniffs)
Is that a bucket of shit?
BEA
Bear shit, to be precise. I’ve been promoted. This morning I didn’t have a bucket!
(SHE pats his face, HE recoils)
And look! I already made a penny. I’m gonna put it in the money box.
No! I mean... I’ll do it.
Yo! Bear shit boy!
NICK
FOREMAN
FOREMAN motions her to follow, then leaves.
BEA
Hear that? I have a job title! And one day it’ll be “bear shit woman!”
(kissing him)
Keep writing. I love you, luv!
BEA hurries off. NICK turns. NIGEL is there.
Nick! What are we going to—
Keep writing. I’ll be back.
What?? Alone??
NIGEL starts to hyperventilate again.
NIGEL
NICK
NIGEL
NICK
Nigel, please. I need you, now more than ever. I’ve got to go find us a new backer
and that means you need to come up with a new idea. Please tell me I can count on
you for that!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK exits in a huff. NIGEL steadies himself.
Yes, you can. Yes, you can.
NIGEL
(HE sits, tries to write)
Uggggh, no you can’t.
HE stands to leave and is blocked by A WOMAN IN A CLOAK (PORTIA).
Oh. Good day, mistress.
PORTIA
“Good days were those when lit with love, till dusk of death did herald th’eternal
night”
Hey—I wrote that.
NIGEL
The WOMAN lowers her hood, revealing herself to be PORTIA.
Yes, I know.
PORTIA
(holding up a page)
I accidentally took this after our first encounter. Your sonnet. It’s—perfection.
Really? You thought it was... good?
NIGEL
PORTIA
It... touched me in places I did not know could be touched.
PORTIA suddenly realizes how that sounded, turns away—embarrassed.
Forgive me. Poetry is forbidden in my house, especially poems of earthly love.
(melodramatically; to the heavens)
OH, IS THERE NO PITY SITTING IN THE CLOUDS THAT SEES INTO THE
BOTTOM OF MY GRIEF?!
Romeo and Juliet, Act 3, Scene 5.
You’ve seen it?
Six times, and you?
NIGEL
PORTIA
NIGEL
PORTIA
Eight! If my father knew, he would disown me.
— 43 —
— 44 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
My brother, too.
I adore Shakespeare.
NIGEL
PORTIA
NIGEL
Me, too! I’ve got a Comedy of Errors, first edition.
I’ve got Sonnet number 1. Signed!
Wow!
I know! Heh-heh, heh-heh...
Heh-heh, heh-heh...
PORTIA
NIGEL
PORTIA
NIGEL
THEY giggle together; nerdy, awkward laughs and snorts. Then...
NIGEL
(weakly)
That's awesome.
I think you’re his equal—if not better.
What??? No way.
PORTIA
NIGEL
PORTIA
Oh yes. Your sonnet has Shakespearean sophistication mixed with the complexity of
Daniel Webster and the sensitivity of Samuel Daniel.
#7—I Love the Way
Wow. You really love poetry.
Oh, I do. I really, really do.
NIGEL
PORTIA
(SHE sings)
I LOVE SIDNEY AND MARLOWE
AND OFTEN I BORROW THEIR WORDS
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 45 —
(PORTIA)
TO EXPRESS HOW I FEEL
I LOVE POEMS OF MYSTERY, FANTASY, HISTORY
OH WHAT SEDUCTIVE APPEAL
AT NIGHT, ALONE IN MY BEDROOM, SATISFYING MY NEED
THE CANDLELIGHT FIRE IGNITES MY DESIRE—TO READ
OHHHHH EVERY TIME I HEAR A PERFECT RHYME
I GET ALL TINGLY
BECAUSE I KNOW THAT TO FIND A PERFECT RHYME
IS NOT AN EASY THING-LY
I LOVE THE PLACES THAT WORDS LET ME GO
I LOVE THE WAY THAT YOUR WORDS MOVE ME SO
(moving closer, facing him)
NO WORDS HAVE TOUCHED ME THE WAY THAT YOURS DO
(speaking)
AND I LOVE
Youuuuuuu are really doing something to me, Mr. Poetry Man. Forgive me. I never
get to discuss poems in this way.
NIGEL
It’s okay. I never knew poetry could affect someone the way it affects me.
Me neither.
(singing)
PORTIA
NIGEL
IT’S THE END ALL THE BE ALL OH YOU OUGHTA SEE ALL THE BOOKS
THAT I HAVE ON MY SHELF
Me, too!
(singing)
PORTIA
I FIND PLEASURE PERUSING THOSE WRITINGS AND MUSINGS
SO OFTEN I PLEASURE MYSELF
WAIT, THAT DIDN’T SOUND RIGHT
— 46 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NIGEL
NO, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN
WHEN I’M DEEP IN THE THROES
OF IMPASSIONATE PROSE—I COULD SCREAM
PORTIA
You scream? So do I! AHHH!!
(singing)
OHHHHH, I LOVE A LILTING LINE
OF LYRICAL ALLITERATION
NIGEL
WHO DOESN’T LOVE ALLITERATION
PORTIA
AND THEN I’M LIKE WHOA...
WHEN THE PHRASES COME TOGETHER LIKE A CONSUMMATION
SWEET ELATION!
NIGEL
PORTIA, NIGEL
I LOVE THE PLACES THAT WORDS LET ME GO
I LOVE THE WAY THAT YOUR WORDS MOVE ME SO
I LOVE THAT YOU FEEL THE SAME WAY I DO
AND I LOVE
YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE, YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE...
Overcome with emotion, SHE throws himself into her arms. On the final music sting,
HE looks heavenward.
Me, too.
NIGEL
APPLAUSE as THEY stand there awkward.
Okay, I want to show you something.
HE reaches into his codpiece, SHE looks away, embarrassed. HE pulls out a piece of
paper and she is relieved to see what he was doing.
I keep it hidden from my brother. It’s a letter. To me. From the Bard. Saying he has
received my sonnet.
PORTIA
You sent Shakespeare a sonnet? And he’s read it??
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Well, he said he would.
You know him!!?
— 47 —
NIGEL
PORTIA
NIGEL
Um, kind of. He was in the same acting troupe as my brother, but I was just a kid
then. It’s not like he knows who I am or anything.
Master Nigel Bottom?
Yes?
(extending a scroll)
MESSENGER
NIGEL
MESSENGER
An invitation, from Master Shakespeare—to be his personal guest at a recitation in
the park.
(reading the scroll)
NIGEL
Shakespeare in the park?
(to the messenger)
Can she be my plus one?
The WILL POWER guitar riff starts. The MESSENGER shrugs. Why not? He motions
for them to follow him which THEY do as the we transition to...
— 48 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 9: T he Par k
#8—Will Power
CROWD ENTERS and gathers around a small stage. NIGEL and PORTIA work their
way to the front row. Music continues to build. Two MEN holding smoking burlap
sacks (Renaissance fog machines) circle the stage.
(chanting)
CROWD
WE WANT WILL! WE WANT WILL! WE WANT WILL!
(repeat as needed under announcement)
An ANNOUNCER steps onto the platform.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, all the way from Stratford Upon Avon, the King of Couplets,
the Sultan of Sonnets, the man who put the I AM in iambic pentameter, put your
hands together for the one, the only—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE!
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE steps through the fog. CROWD GOES WILD! He's dressed
like a Renaissance rock star: leather pants, big frilly collar, bigger cod piece, a silk cape.
SHAKESPEARE
Thank you! Is it good to see me or what!?
SHRIEKS as HE tosses his cape into the crowd.
WOMAN IN CROWD
Do Sonnet 18!
Do “Kingdom for a horse!”
MAN IN CROWD
WHOLE CROWD
All the world’s a stage!/Sonnet 10!/make up a word!!
SHAKESPEARE
Okay, okay — here’s one for all you beautiful Tudors out there, a little sonnet that’s
been very good to me, let’s see if you know it.
(music chord, HE sings—very Tom Jones)
SHALL I COMPARE THEE...
(puts his hand to his ear)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
TO A SUMMER’S DAY!
— 49 —
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
YEAH! THOU ART MORE LOVELY AND MORE TEMPERATE
AND THE ROUGH WINDS SHAKE—THE DARLING BUDS OF MAY, YEAH
AND SUMMER’S LEASE...
(cups his ear to the crowd)
CROWD
HATH ALL TOO SHORT A DATE!
SHAKESPEARE
I ADORE THE ADORATION, THOUGH OTHERS MAY APPALL IT
(AH AH AH)
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
IT’S QUITE THE NEW SENSATION — WHAT SHALL WE CALL IT?
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
WILL POWER!
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, NOW
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
HE IS THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE NOW—WILL POWER!
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE, NOW
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
HE IS THE WILL.
CAN YOU FEEL IT?
WHOO!
Aw, I’m feeling it too.
SHAKESPEARE
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
(pointing to woman in crowd)
SHAKESPEARE
In fact I’d like to feel you a little bit later.
(laughter)
— 50 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(SHAKESPEARE)
DO YOU WANT MORE?
(CROWD reacts)
OH YEAH? WHEN DO YOU WANT IT? TOMORROW? LATER?
(CROWD says “no, no...”)
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY “NOW...”
NOW!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY “NOW IS...”
NOW IS!
That scans.
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY “NOW IS THE...
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
NOW IS THE...!
SHAKESPEARE
Do you know it? Well do it with me!
(singing)
NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT!
SHAKESPEARE
MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SON OF YORK!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SON OF YORK!
SHAKESPEARE
LET ME HEAR YOU SAY GLORIOUS
GLORIOUS!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
DO YOU MEAN ME?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
GLORIOUS!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
WELL I CAN BE.
GLORIOUS!
SHAKESPEARE
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
WELL, LET’S SEE...
SHAKESPEARE
G-L-O-R-I-O-U-S, WHO FITS THAT BILL?
IT’S WILL!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
I GUESS!
THERE’S A FEVER GOING ‘ROUND HAS ANYBODY CAUGHT IT?
(AH AH AH)
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
WE’RE SHAKIN’ IT FOR SHAKESPEARE!
SHAKESPEARE
ME THINKS YOU’VE GOT IT!
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
WILL POWER!
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE NOW
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
HE IS THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE NOW—WILL POWER
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE WILL OF THE PEOPLE NOW
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
HE IS THE WILL
HUZZAH!
HUZZAH!!
SHAKESPEARE
NIGEL, PORTIA, CROWD
— 51 —
— 52 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHAKESPEARE
Oh, that is music to my ears. And if music be the food of love—play on! That’s a new
one, don’t know where to put it yet. But speaking of love...
(segues into ballad...)
Here’s one for all you lovers out there.
BUT SOFT WHAT LIGHT
thank you
THROUGH YONDER WINDOW BREAKS...
CROWD applauds, holds up candles like cigarette lighters at a rock concert, waves
them back and forth
SHAKESPEARE
IT IS THE EAST AND JULIET IS THE SUN
ARISE FAIR SUN—AND KILL THE ENVIOUS MOON
OHHHH, THE MOON
WHO IS ALREADY SICK AND PALE
SO SICK AND SO PALE WITH GRIEF
THAT THOU HER MAID—ART FAR
MORE FAIR THAN SHE—THAN SHEEEEE...
EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!
WOMAN IN CROWD
Thank you. I like that one, too.
SHAKESPEARE
SOMEONE throws their Tudor underwear onto the stage. SHAKESPEARE catches it.
CROWD
WILL POWER! WILL POWER!
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE WILL WITH THE SKILL
TO THRILL YOU WITH THE QUILL
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE HARD WORKING BARD YOU REGARD YEAH...
YEAH!
I AM THE WILL...
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
HE IS THE WILL
I AM THE WILL
HE IS THE WILL
— 53 —
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
I AM THE NAME YOU WANT TO SEE UP ON THAT BILL
CROWD
WILL, WILL, WILL, WILL...
I AM THE SWAN
BEAUTIFUL SWAN
OF THE AVON
SHAKESPEARE
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE
CROWD
THE ONE IN STRATFORD!
SHAKESPEARE
THE CHOSEN ONE THAT GOD IN HEAVEN SMILED UPON
CROWD
THANK YOU GOD!
SHAKESPEARE
AND IF YOU WANNA SEE PERFECTION
ON ANY GIVEN DAY—YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY
WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A
WAAAAAAAAYYYYY....
WHERE THERE’S A WILL THERE’S A
WAAAAAAAAYYYYY....
AH AH
CROWD
AHHHHH
WILL POWER
WILL POWER
WILL POWER
SHAKESPEARE
Good night! Good night! Parting is such sweet sorrow!!
WI-I-I-I-LLL POWER!
— 54 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Lights out on Shakespeare's stage and up on the downstage area. As the CROWD files
out, LORD CLAPHAM crosses. NICK walks alongside him...
#8A—Will Power (Playoff)
NICK
...Lord Clapham, Lord Clapham! We are no longer doing Black Death so won’t you
please consider reinvesting?
LORD CLAPHAM
No! I’m not speaking to you—you ruined Romeo & Juliet! Now I’m off to see Richard III...
NICK
Oh yeah? Richard can’t find his horse then he dies.
(fingers in ears)
LORD CLAPHAM
Stop it! Stop it!
CLAPHAM hurries off. There’s a row of MEN carrying pieces of Shakespeare’s stage
away. The last one is BEA—dressed as a different man this time. She carries a thick
wooden beam, her face hidden behind it.
LEAD MAN
Oy, new bloke! You up to this or not?
BEA
Oh, don’t worry ‘bout me. I’m as strong as the next guy!
NICK hears the voice and instantly knows...
NICK
Bea? What are you doing? I told you to cut this out.
BEA
I know, but they were looking for good strong men to haul the stage away. Why
aren’t they ever looking for good strong women?
NICK
Because some jobs are just better suited for men. Now give me that.
SHE hands him the beam. HE buckles under the weight.
Whoa, so heavy...
HE sets the beam down. SHE gets dizzy, staggers slightly.
You okay?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
BEA
Actually, I was gonna tell you the news when you got home. You know how I’ve
been having these wild mood swings?
No.
(sudden mood swing)
NICK
BEA
YES YOU DO!—I TOLD YOU ABOUT THEM!!!
(feeling her stomach)
Well, there’s a reason for it.
Oh God, you’ve got the plague.
No. I’m pregnant.
You sure it’s not the plague?
No! Isn’t it wonderful?
It is. It’s... great news.
NICK
BEA
NICK
BEA
NICK
THEY hug and kiss just as THREE GUYS enter to get the beam. They see these two
“guys” kissing, stop cold.
(motioning to him and Bea)
It’s okay, we’re having a baby together.
The GUYS take the beam and run off.
BEA
Oh, Nick. You’re going to be a father. A family, like we always wanted. Now we’re
gonna need that country cottage more than ever.
And I’m working on it.
So am I... better get to it.
SHE staggers again...
NICK
BEA
— 55 —
— 56 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
No. You go home and rest.
NICK
SHE nods her consent, then kisses him.
Thanks, I love you, luv.
I love you, too.
BEA
NICK
SHE exits.
(excited)
I’m going to be a father?
(then, sobered and worried)
I’m going to be a father...
NICK rubs his brow, feeling the pressure. SHYLOCK enters, having overheard this.
SHYLOCK
Hello, Nick. Ready to reconsider my offer?
No, Shylock.
NICK
SHYLOCK
Because you’re prejudiced against the Jew?
NICK
Not me. All of Renaissance Europe! Besides I’ve already got a Puritan saying my
writing’s the work of Satan and I should burn in Hell.
SHYLOCK
Don’t listen to critics! They’re fakakta! Come on Nick—be a mensch! Let me help you!
I’m not that desperate.
NICK
SHYLOCK
Really? You have no show, no patron, and your brother is at a private party for
William Shakespeare.
What?! I’LL KILL HIM!
NICK
SHYLOCK
It’s invitation only. And guess who has an invitation?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
#9—Shakespeare's After Party
SHYLOCK follows, holding up his invitation. THEY exit as the riff from
WILLPOWER plays...
SHAKESPEARE!
SHAKESPEARE!
Set transitions to...
CROWD
— 57 —
— 58 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 10: After-Show Par ty Tent
A crowded tent which is lavishly decorated with flowing silks and lots of throw pillows;
Playboy club meets hippie love den. A jazzy version of "BUT SOFT WHAT LIGHT" plays.
FRANCIS BACON and THOMAS MIDDLETON stand off to the side, smoking pipes.
NIGEL and PORTIA enter. They look around in awe.
PORTIA
Oh my...
A scantily clad WAITRESS walks past with a tray of goblets.
WAITRESS
Drinks?
Oh, yes. I’m parched. Thank you.
PORTIA
THEY each take a goblet. PORTIA downs hers quickly—then...
(barely able to speak)
That’s not water.
Then—SHE takes another sip. Mmmm, pretty good!
NIGEL
Ohmygod, look over there. It’s Thomas Middleton.
<GASP>
PORTIA
And he’s talking to Edmund Spenser. And ohmygosh, ohmygosh... look who just
walked in!
Francis Bacon!
NIGEL, PORTIA
NIGEL
Wow. It’s like—all the greatest poets of London are right here in this room!
Including you.
PORTIA
NIGEL reacts. Then THEY both giggle. PORTIA takes another drink as
SHAKESPEARE enters and strikes a pose.
Is that a young Bottom I see?!
SHAKESPEARE
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(singing)
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE!
SHAKESPEARE
(polite greetings as HE works the room)
Hi... hi... how are you, thanks for coming... good to see you, yes you can touch me,
oooh, I wanna talk to you...
(as the excited guest stands)
Not now.
(arriving at Nigel)
So... Nigel Bottom—playwright, poet and prestigious prodigy.
(to the crowd)
Oooh, that was a lot of alliteration—
(sing-song)
OCCUPATIONAL HA-ZARD!
(playing to crowd, then back to Nigel)
So—Nicky Bottom’s little brother. His “secret weapon”, all grown up. And who is
this delightful damsel, this maiden fair, this feast for the eyes?
Oh, um... This is Portia.
Portia. Good name.
NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE
PORTIA
PORTIA stares stage-struck, mouth quivering, breathing quickening
SHAKESPEARE
That’s right. This is happening. Just breathe...
M-m-m-master Shakespeare...
PORTIA
SHE bows and is now so tipsy she collapses to the ground.
SHAKESPEARE
Aw, she’s bedazzled. You like that word? I made it up, it’s what I do!
(turns to crowd)
Let’s drink to that!
— 59 —
— 60 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
HUZZAH!!!!!
CROWD
NIGEL helps Portia to her feet. SHE takes another huge gulp. She gets woozy.
I think I need a bit of a lie down.
PORTIA
SHE tries to sit on sofa but falls behind it.
SHAKESPEARE
So! Nigel. What are you and that brother of yours working on? A tragedy? A
comedy? A tragic attempt at comedy?
(to the crowd)
See what I did there?
(THEY don't laugh enough)
SEE WHAT I DID??
THEY laugh harder.
NIGEL
Actually, Nick doesn’t want me to tell anyone.
SHAKESPEARE
Oh, God, he’s so paranoid. Always has been. Even when I was a lowly actor in his
sad little troupe, he was so insecure. Of course, with you as his partner, he has even
more reason to be. I’ve read your sonnet.
HE puts a hand on Nigel's shoulder, nods like “yeah, that's right, I read it.” NIGEL
waits for a comment. SHAKESPEARE finds a bit of dust on Nigel's coat, flicks it off.
Nigel is in agony, waiting.
It’s good. Quite good. I’d love to read more.
(feigning surprise)
Oh—is that your folio?
HE points to Nigel's leather notebook.
NIGEL
What, this? Oh, this is just—a collection of random lines and thoughts...
SHAKESPEARE
Would you like me to give it a looky-loo? What am I saying? Of course you would!
I’m Shakespeare!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
CROWD
(singing, raising a glass)
SHAKESPEARE!
(takes Nigel’s notebook, reads)
SHAKESPEARE
Hmmm. “All the world’s a stage” Good line, that.
There's a commotion at the door as SHYLOCK and NICK enter. SHAKESPEARE
steps away, flipping through pages.
Hey, you’re not allowed in here...
DOORMAN tries to stop them.
DOORMAN
SHYLOCK
It’s okay he’s my plus one...
Trust me I have no desire to stay...
NICK
(backing into the room)
...I’m just looking for my...
(seeing Nigel)
Brother! There you are! Why the hell are... oh, hello Will.
SHAKESPEARE hides the notebook behind his back.
Hello, Nick. Been a long time.
SHAKESPEARE
NICK
Not long enough. Is that... my brother’s notebook?
(takes it from him)
Nice try.
NIGEL
He was just offering to look at my ideas.
Or his ideas as they’d soon be known.
Ooohhh.
NICK
CROWD
— 61 —
— 62 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHAKESPEARE
Do you bite your thumb at me sir?
CROWD laugh and lightly applaud
NICK
Really? Quoting Romeo and Juliet? Pathetic.
SHAKESPEARE
By my troth, the tartness of his face doth sour the ripened grape.
CROWD
HA-HA-HA-HA-HA
NICK
Oh yeah? Well, by my troth your grape... is stupid.
NICK instantly winces at what he said, wishing he could take it back.
SHAKESPEARE
Such a clever retort, and you can’t write a hit?
CROWD
Oooooooh...
More LAUGHTER at Nick’s expense. HE’S fuming.
SHAKESPEARE
No, no, no, no, no, no... we should actually thank this man. He was the one who
suggested I take up writing in the first place.
Because you’re a shit actor.
Oh no I’m not!
SHAKESPEARE
NICK
Oh yes you are!
SHAKESPEARE
Oh no I’m not!
NICK
Oh yes you are!
Take it back.
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
BROTHER JEREMIAH (O.S.)
OUT OF MY WAY, HEATHEN!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
BROTHER JEREMIAH enters with TWO PURITAN FOLLOWERS.
PURITANS!!!
PANICKED WOMAN
PEOPLE scatter. SHAKESPEARE is whisked away by his MEN as JEREMIAH scans
the room.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
Where is she?? Where is my daughter?
(SEEING HER, GASP!)
PORTIA!
PORTIA rises from behind the sofa holding a goblet of wine, quite drunk.
Hello, daddy-o.
PORTIA
BROTHER JEREMIAH
You said you were in your room, reading your bible.
PORTIA
(slurred speech)
Ohhh, Bible-bible-bibble-babble
<BLOWING A RASPBERRY>
JEREMIAH is FURIOUS. He turns to Nigel.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
Hear me now, sinner. You dare to cross me and corrupt my daughter!? So help me
God, I will smite these Bottoms—and smite them hard.
HE pauses, rethinking what he said. Then turns to Portia.
COME WITH ME!
(giggling as SHE exits)
PORTIA
Smite their bottoms...
HE drags her away. NIGEL goes after them.
Portia!
NIGEL
— 63 —
— 64 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(grabbing Nigel)
NICK
And you—come with me!
HE grabs Nigel and pulls him across the stage in the opposite direction.
Let me go! I’m not a child!
NIGEL
NICK
Then why are you acting like one?! I told you to stay away from her and now look
what’s happened—we’re on the most wanted list of a deranged Puritan! And
Shakespeare nearly got your notebook full of ideas—which, by the way, is the only
reason he invited you here.
No!
NIGEL
NICK
You are so naive! You’ve got to watch your back with this guy. Believe me, I know
every trick in his book.
NIGEL
Well, it was all very confusing! And now she’s gone and I’ve lost my inspiration and
the love of my life and... I’ve got to get her back!
(Running off)
PORTIA!
NICK
No! Nigel!! We have a show to write! URGGGGGH.
SHYLOCK, who has been seated this whole time with his back to them, stands.
So. Ready to reconsider now...?
SHYLOCK
#9A—Shakespeare (Incidental)
We hear the guitar riff of “GOD I HATE SHAKESPEARE”
You know what...
Guitar plays again.
Why the hell not!? Let’s do it!
NICK
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHYLOCK
Really! Mozeltov! I love it, I love it, I love it! So—tell me—what’s our new show
about?
NICK
Um, we’re still... looking for that great idea.
SHYLOCK
Hmmm... Too bad you can’t get a peek into Shakespeare’s notebook, huh?
This gives NICK an idea. LIGHTING CHANGE. MORE “GOD I HATE
SHAKESPEARE” GUITAR as Nick removes his money pouch, bounces it in his hand
as the set transitions to...
— 65 —
— 66 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 11: Soothsayer Alley
NICK crosses into the alley as NOSTRADAMUS steps out.
I knew you’d be back.
Really?
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
No. But it sounds impressive, doesn’t it? How goes it with your musical?
NICK
Not great, actually. We’re having a hard time figuring out what a musical should be
about.
Hair!
Hair?
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
No, that would just be weird, wouldn’t it? Wait!
(fingers to temples)
Little shop... of whores.
Really? That doesn’t sound right either.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
I know. Why is the shop little? Small whores?
Look, the truth is...
NICK
(looking around)
I’m... I’m kind of desperate. I need an idea that is guaranteed to be a success. One
that will have ‘em lined up around the theater! So I want you to look into the future
and tell me...
(looks around again)
What will Shakespeare’s greatest play be?
NOSTRADAMUS
Oooh. Are you sure you want to cross that line? Wouldn’t you rather just come up
with an idea of your own?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Of course I would! I’ve tried and...
— 67 —
NICK
(hard to say it)
I can’t, okay? Maybe if I had more time or less pressure. I just need one—one hit!—to
get me out of this hole.
NOSTRADAMUS
I must warn you—for this, you will pay a great price.
NICK
(giving him money bag)
I brought every penny I own.
NOSTRADAMUS
That’s not what I meant—but okay.
NICK doesn’t let go of the bag.
NICK
Are you sure this will work? ‘Cause I’ve got everything riding on this... and now I’ve
got a baby on the way.
NOSTRADAMUS
Which I predicted, remember. A new life—with no teeth?
NICK remembers, lights up. NOSTRADAMUS nods confidently. Let’s go of the money bag.
Okay! Shakespeare’s biggest hit. Here we go!
NOSTRADAMUS does a ritual—rubbing hands, fingers to temples, etc. He stumbles
backwards, NICK catches him.
Whoa! I see it! Shakespeare’s greatest play!
Yes...?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
...the one they will be talking about for generations to come...
Yes...???
And this play will be called....
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
(squinting, straining, then painting it in the air)
“OMELETTE!”
NICK is ready to celebrate, then has to think about that for a beat.
— 68 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Omelette?
NICK
(NOSTRADAMUS nods)
Like with the eggs?
Yes. No wait...
NOSTRADAMUS
(squinting)
No, that was it. Omelette. And wait! Another vision!
(fingers to temples)
Something... Danish?
NICK
A Danish. So... there’s some sort of—breakfast theme?
NOSTRADAMUS
And wait! Wait! Ham... ham... ham—something.
Ham omelette?
That must be it.
And you’re sure it will be big?
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
It will be known as perhaps the single greatest play ever written.
(fist pump)
Yes!
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
Whoa! I’m getting a flood of images! So many...
Write ‘em down! All of ‘em!
Let me get my quill!
NOSTRADAMUS runs O.S.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
Oh man, this is gonna solve so many problems! My future is suddenly looking
brighter!
#10—Bottom's Gonna Be On Top
(singing)
NO MORE MR. ANONYMOUS
NO MORE WORLD THAT IS NICK BOTTOM-LESS
MY NAME WILL BE SYNONYMOUS
WITH BEING ON THE TOP
And we are into Nick’s fantasy.
I CAN SEE IT NOW I’M THE CAT’S MEOW
IT’S A HIT, POW!
IT’S GONNA BE GREAT, GONNA BE GREAT
LIGHTS UP behind him. TOWNSPEOPLE enter and line up in much the same way
the did for Shakespeare in the opening.
EVERYWHERE I GO THEY WILL LOVE ME SO
HAIL MY NAME, OH
IT’S GONNA BE GREAT, GONNA BE GREAT
TOWNSPEOPLE
MASTER BOTTOM YOU’RE SUCH A WONDERFUL WRITER
(eyes closed, dreaming)
Oooh, I can hear them now...
NICK
TOWNSPEOPLE
AND YOUR TALENT IS TALENT BEYOND COMPARE
(goes to them)
Why, thank you!
NICK
TOWNSPEOPLE
YOU’RE A STAR, YOU ARE, AND YOU COULDN’T BE BRIGHTER
NICK
Well, now you’re just embarrassing me.
— 69 —
— 70 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
TOWNSPEOPLE
YOU’RE A REAL VISIONARY
NICK
THANK YOU JESUS AND HAIL MARY!
NICK, TOWNSPEOPLE
THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
NICK
MAN, I’M GONNA SIZZLE, MAN I’M GONNA POP
NICK, TOWNSPEOPLE
AND THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
NICK
THIS IS HEAVEN SENT—FEELING CONFIDENT
MONEY WELL SPENT
IT’S GONNA BE GREAT, GONNA BE GREAT
THROW A BIG PARADE—PRAISES WILL BE MADE
COMPLIMENTS PAID
IT’S GONNA BE GREAT, GONNA BE GREAT
BEA enters pushing a wooden pram.
BEA
ME AND BABY ARE SO ETERNALLY GRATEFUL
You’re who I’m doing it for.
NICK
BEA
THANK YOU FOR OUR COTTAGE IN THE WOODS.
You deserve it!
NICK
NIGEL approaches from the opposite side
NIGEL
IF GRATITUDE WAS FOOD I WOULD HAVE A BIG PLATE FULL
Nice metaphor, bro!
NICK
SHYLOCK and LORD CLAPHAM enter.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
LORD CLAPHAM
YOU’RE THE GREATEST
SHYLOCK
YOU DA MAN!
NICK
I REALLY SHOULDN’T SAY IT BUT YES I AM
SHYLOCK and CLAPHAM join NICK as HE sings triumphantly
NICK, SHYLOCK, CLAPHAM, CHORUS
AND THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
ONCE I GET GOING,
NEVER GONNA STOP
OOOH AAAHHH
NICK
CHORUS
NICK, SHYLOCK, CLAPHAM, CHORUS
AND THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
NOSTRADAMUS approaches. LIGHTING CHANGES to show we are out of the
fantasy.
NOSTRADAMUS
There’s also a prince, and a ghost! MURDER MOST FOUL!
NICK
Write down everything you see! Because I see me. And I’m not a bard. I’m the Bard!
The RENAISSANCE WRITERS we met in the opening enter. They line the red carpet
as HE walks down it waving to the imaginary crowd.
RENAISSANCE WRITERS
WE ARE THE ROYALTY OF THE RENAISSANCE WRITERS
Indeed you are.
NICK
RENAISSANCE WRITERS
BUT NOW WE’RE HANDING DOWN THE CROWN TO YOU
Really? I’m honored.
NICK
— 71 —
— 72 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
RENAISSANCE WRITERS
YOU WERE A NOBODY BUT THEN OVERNIGHT YOU’RE SOMEONE
BETTER THAN THE REST OF US
THEY bow.
NOW YOU ARE THE BEST OF US
Not—so—fast!
SHAKESPEARE (O.S.)
SHAKESPEARE enters. NICK faces off with him.
NICK
Hello, Will. I knew you wouldn’t go down without a fight.
THEY circle each other like matadors.
SHAKESPEARE
THE TOP, SIR? NAY, THOU SURELY DOTH JEST
I SAY, ON MY HONOR HERE, I DOTH PROTEST.
NICK
Yawn. Rhyming couplet. That is so 1580’s.
Oh yeah? Well...
SHAKESPEARE
THEY have a “tap off”—tapping in rhythm as they speak...
IF YOU WANT TO MAKE IT TO THE TOP
THEN YOU’RE GONNA HAFTA GO THROUGH ME
CAUSE ON THE TOP IS WHERE I LIVE
AND I WILL NOT BE GIVING UP THAT EASILY SO THERE
NICK
OH MAN, I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS
MOMENT FOR SO LONG I’M GONNA
ENJOY IT WHEN I KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR PERCH.
SHAKESPEARE
OH NO YOU WON’T.
OH YES I WILL.
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
OH NO YOU WON’T.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
OH YES I WILL.
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
OH NO YOU WON’T.
OH YES I WILL.
— 73 —
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
OH, NO YOU WON’T—MY ACCOMPLISHMENTS ARE MUCH MORE
ACCOMPLISHED THAN YOURS.
NICK
INNNNNNN YOUR DREAMS—I AM THE BEST.
SHAKESPEARE
YOU CAN’T BE THE BEST BECAUSE I AM THE BEST
I HAVE WRITTEN TWELVE PLAYS AND EACH ONE IS A TESTAMENT
TO MY GREAT SKILL—I AM THE WILL!
AND I WROTE TAMING OF THE SHREW
AND RICHARD THREE AND RICHARD TWO
(beat)
AND HENRYS FOUR AND FIVE AND SIX
AND TITUS ANDRONICUS
AND OH, DID I FORGET? ROMEO AND JULIET?
NICK comes at him furiously, backing him across the stage.
NICK
WELL I HAVE JUST WRITTEN THE THING
THAT THE CRITICS ARE CALLING THE GREATEST THING
THEY’VE EVER SEEN
AND THE PEOPLE ARE LOVING IT, CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF IT
EVERYONE! EVEN INCLUDING THE QUEEN!
SHE RECENTLY INVITED ME, TO HER CASTLE WHERE SHE KNIGHTED ME
AND PRIVATELY SHE TOLD ME THAT YOU’RE
NOT ANY GOOD, NOT ANY GOOD, NOT ANY GOOD, NOT ANY GOOD
AND SHE TOLD ME THAT ALL OF YOUR PLAYS MAKE HER VOMIT
AND NOTHING’S AS GOOD AS MY MUSICAL OMELETTE!
HE strikes a hands-on-hip pose.
— 74 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHAKESPEARE
WAIT A MINUTE. YOU WROTE OMELETTE?
YES.
(melodramatic, operatic)
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
I NEVER THOUGHT THAT I WOULD MEET MY EQUAL
BUT I CONCEDE I HAVE BEEN BESTED BY THE BEST
(looking up, hopeful)
MAYBE WE COULD PARTNER ON A SEQUEL.
NICK
OH, MY HOW THE TIDE HAS TURNED
LET’S REVIEW, WHAT HAVE WE LEARNED?
SEE, YOU WERE HERE, BUT NOW WE SWAP
SO KISS THIS BOTTOM I’M ON THE TOP—YEAH
CHORUS dances around Nick.
CHORUS
HE’S ON TOP! HE’S ON TOP!
NICK
RIGHT WHERE I OUGHTA BE!
CHORUS
WHA-WHA-WOW WOW
NICK, CHORUS
AND THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
HE’S ON TOP!
IT’S NICE UP HERE!
HE’S ON TOP!
CHORUS
NICK
CHORUS
NICK
I’M ENJOYING THE VIEW!
CHORUS
WHA-WHA-WOW WOW.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 75 —
NICK, CHORUS
YEAH THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
YEAH THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
YEAH THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP
Abrupt lighting change. NICK, holding two pewter mugs, is out of his fantasy and now
standing in front of Nigel.
NIGEL
You want us to write “Omelette?” Really? I’m not so sure about this.
Well, I am, little brother.
NICK
(hands Nigel a mug)
So raise a glass. To “Omelette. The Musical!”
BOTTOMS UP!
BOTTOM’S UP
CHORUS
NICK, CHORUS
YEAH THIS BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP!
BLACK OUT.
— 76 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
ACT 2
#11—Entr'acte
The MINSTREL enters in front of curtain again...
#11A—Welcome to the Renaissance (Reprise)
MINSTREL
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
NOW THE STAGE IS SET FOR A HUGE RESPONSE
OR AN EPIC FAILURE
AND NICK AND NIGEL BOTTOM
ARE STARTING TO SWEAT
CAUSE THEY DON’T HAVE THE STORY WRITTEN YET
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
GOTTA GIVE THE AUDIENCE WHAT IT WANTS
BUT IT’S NOT THAT EASY
AND IF YOU’RE WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
YOU’RE FEELING THE HEAT
TO STILL BE NEW
WELCOME TO THE RENAISSANCE
WHAT’S A FAMOUS BARD TO DO?
CURTAIN rises to reveal
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 77 —
SCENE 1: London Street
We hear a ROCK SHUFFLE as SHAKESPEARE enters flanked by his ENTOURAGE.
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
SHAKESPEARE
MY DAYS ARE SO BUSY IT’S MAKING ME DIZZY
THERE’S SO MUCH I GOTTA DO
IT’S LUNCHES AND MEETINGS AND POETRY READINGS
AND ENDLESS INTERVIEWS
HE sits in a chair and poses as a PAINTER paints him.
GOTTA POSE FOR A PORTRAIT
AND HOW I DEPLORE SITTING THERE FOR ETERNITY
HE stands as a MAN in an apron approaches with a pewter mug.
THEN IT’S OFF TO THE INN
WHERE MY INNKEEPER FRIEND
WANTS TO NAME A DRINK AFTER ME
A writing desk rolls in. HE sits and writes.
THEN IT’S BACK TO MY ROOM, WHERE I RESUME
MY ATTEMPT TO WRITE A HIT
JUST ME AND MY BEER AND THE TERRIBLE FEAR
THAT I MIGHT BE LOSING IT
His MEN flank him—like the Pips as THEY dance behind him and echo his sentiment.
SHAKESPEARE
AND IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S REALLY, REALLY HARD—
BARD BOYS
IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S REALLY, HARD—
SO VERY VERY HARD
VERY VERY HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
I MAKE IT LOOK EASY BUT HONEY BELIEVE ME
IT’S HARD
IT’S SO INCREDIBLY HARD
SO INCONCEIVABLY, UNBELIEVABLY HARD
IT’S HARD TO BE THE BARD
IT’S HARD
INCREDIBLY HARD
INCONCEIVABLY, UNBELIEVABLY HARD
— 78 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(to his ENTOURAGE)
(SHAKESPEARE)
Honestly, I don’t know how I do it. I mean, there’s only so much of me that can go
around.
SHAKESPEARE
BARD BOYS
I GOT SO MANY FANS
OOOH
WITH SO MANY DEMANDS
I CAN HARDLY GO TAKE A PISS
AH, OOOH
HE CAN’T PEE
BE IT THEATER FREAK OR
AH, OOOH
THEY ALL WANT A PIECE OF THIS
GIMME, GIMME
THE AUTOGRAPH SEEKER
HE signs autographs—poses while someone sketches a picture.
IT’S A CROSS THAT I BEAR
I’M LIKE JESUS, I SWEAR
AH, OOOH
IT’S A BURDEN BUT I SUFFER THROUGH IT
HE IS SUFFERING
THE TRAPPINGS OF FAME
AH, OOOH
IT’S ALL PART OF THE GAME,
BUT SOMEBODY’S GOTTA DO IT
SO HE DOES IT
AND I KNOW, I KNOW, I GOTTA GO
GOTTA GO
Now we’re back to the room and the writing desk...
AND GET BACK TO MY PEN AND INK
OOOOOH, AHHHH
SHAKESPEARE
OH DON’T MAKE ME DO IT, DON’T MAKE ME GO THROUGH IT
(calling to his manservant)
CAN SOMEBODY GET ME A DRINK!
SHAKESPEARE
‘CAUSE IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S REALLY, REALLY HARD
IT’S SEXY BUT IT’S HARD
THIS BAR THAT I’M RAISING TO BE THIS
AMAZING
IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S SO ANNOYINGLY HARD
SO UNAVOIDABLY UNENJOYABLY HARD
BARD BOYS
IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S REALLY, REALLY HARD
IT’S SEXY BUT IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD
ANNOYINGLY HARD
UNAVOIDABLY UNENJOYABLY HARD
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
IT’S HARD to be the bard, BABY
SHAKESPEARE
(turning to his men)
I know writing made me famous, but being famous is just so much more fun.
(sings)
YOU SEE WHAT PEOPLE JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND
IS THAT WRITING’S DEMANDING
IT’S MENTALLY CHALLENGING AND IT’S A BORE
IT’S SUCH A CHORE
TO SIT IN A ROOM BY YOURSELF
OH MY GOD, I JUST HATE IT!
AND YOU’RE TRYING TO FIND
AN OPENING LINE OR A BRILLIANT IDEA
AND YOU’RE PACING THE FLOOR
AND SEARCHING FOR JUST A BIT OF DIVINE INTERVENTION
SO ONE LITTLE NUGGET THAT ONE LITTLE SPARK
THEN EUREKA! YOU FIND IT YOU’RE READY TO START
SO NOW YOU CAN WRITE, RIGHT? WRONG!
YOU’RE NOT EVEN CLOSE, YOU REMEMBER THAT DAMN IT, YOUR
PLAY’S GOTTA BE IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER!
THEN YOU WRITE DOWN A WORD BUT IT’S NOT THE RIGHT WORD
SO YOU TRY A NEW WORD BUT YOU HATE THE NEW THE WORD
AND YOU NEED A GOOD WORD BUT YOU CAN’T FIND THE WORD
OH WHAT IS IT, WHERE IS IT, WHERE IS IT, WHAT IS IT
AH-HA-HA-HA-HA... UGGGGGHHHHH
(talking to his quill)
What is it?? Tell me!...
(as the quill)
You know what you are?
(as Shakespeare)
Please, enlighten me
(as quill)
You’re a petulant little boy and a fraud.
(strangling quill)
Shut up, mother!!
— 79 —
— 80 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
VALET
Sir.
(embarrassed he got caught)
SHAKESPEARE
Hello.
SHAKESPEARE turns, still crazed. Next to the servant is the MAN WITH THE
EYEPATCH.
VALET
You asked for information on what Nicholas Bottom is writing. Our spy is here with
news.
(whispering to servant)
Did he see me losing it?
He’s half blind, sir.
SHAKESPEARE
VALET
SHAKESPEARE
Oh, good. Then he only saw half of it. Ha ha, see what I did?
(to the Eyepatch Man)
Speak, man. What news?
The EYEPATCH MAN extends a hand. SHAKESPEARE puts a shilling in it.
EYEPATCH MAN
I saw Nick Bottom, I did. He paid a soothsayer to foresee what Shakespeare’s
greatest play would be.
SHAKESPEARE
<GASP>
That sneaky little thief! Why doesn’t he get his own idea!?
IT’S HARD
Oh yeah. It is, isn’t it?
BARD BOYS
SHAKESPEARE
IT’S REALLY THE WORST
IT’S HARD
BARD BOYS
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 81 —
SHAKESPEARE
MAKES ME WONDER WHY I DIDN’T THINK OF THAT FIRST
IT’S HARD
BARD BOYS
SHAKESPEARE
HARD TO ALLEVIATE THAT PRESSURE TO CREATE
IT’S HARD
BARD BOYS
SHAKESPEARE
HARD TO DO SOMETHING AS GOOD AS THE LAST THING I DID
THAT WAS ALREADY GREAT
IT’S HARD
IT’S HARD!
BARD BOYS
SHAKESPEARE
BARD BOYS
SO HARD IN FACT THAT HE’S STEALING FROM THE BARD
The MEN start handing him articles of clothing for his disguise.
SHAKESPEARE
WELL I’LL HOIST HIM BY HIS PETARD
ALL THAT I NEED IS A CLEVER DISGUISE
I’LL MAKE HIM PAY FOR HIS DEVIOUS LIES
LET HIM DO ALL THE TEDIOUS STUFF
BARD BOYS
CLEVER DISGUISE
DEVIOUS LIES
THE WORK THAT’S TERRIBLY AND UNBEARABLY
HAA-ARRRRD
SHAKESPEARE is now in his disguise: coat, hat and full beard.
SHAKESPEARE
Nice try, Nick Bottom. But I think Shakespeare needs to find out what Shakespeare’s
biggest hit will be.
SHAKESPEARE
CAUSE IT’S HARD
CAUSE IT’S HARD
CAUSE IT’S HARD
BARD BOYS
IT’S HARD IT’S TOTALLY HARD
IT’S HARD IT’S TOTALLY HARD
IT’S HARD IT’S TOTALLY HARD
— 82 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHAKESPEARE
I’VE GOT FORTUNE AND FAME
EVERYONE KNOWS MY NAME
I CAN’T HELP IT IT’S STILL FRIGGIN’ HARD
Final pose. Song ends. THEY exit as the set transitions to...
#12A—Hard to Be the Bard (Playoff)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 2: T he T heatre
NICK is at a table alone with NOSTRADAMUS, furiously sifting through his various
sheets of parchment.
NICK
Okay, so just to make sure I’ve got this all straight, we’ve got a Prince... eating a
Danish... and he’s visited by the ghost of his dead father?
NOSTRADAMUS
Not a ghost. The phantom! He’s the former king who was murdered by the Prince’s
uncle... and the uncle’s name is...
(fingers to temples)
Scar.
Scar.
NICK
(writing that down)
And he murdered the king. And the prince is in love, but she goes mad you say?
NOSTRADAMUS
Yes! And—how do you solve a problem like Ophelia?
Right. How do you?
(fingers to temples, squinting)
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
The prince says “get thee to a nunnery!” And then the nuns hide her and all of the
singing children—from the Nazis.
NICK
Uh huh. And these “Nazis”—are they good guys or bad?
NOSTRADAMUS
Not sure. But it feels important to get that one right.
The TROUPE enters, looking confused and bewildered as they review script pages.
Oh, they’re back.
(pulls Nostradamus aside)
NICK
Okay, remember—stay over here and don’t say anything.
SHYLOCK enters.
— 83 —
— 84 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(deep breath, smelling the air)
SHYLOCK
Ahhhh, the theater! I love it, I love it, I love it!
NICK
Shylock! Just in time! Have a seat, we’re just about to start.
SHYLOCK
I love it!
You haven’t seen it yet.
NICK
SHYLOCK
I know, but I just love being here. I’m verklempt, I tell you!
SHYLOCK takes a seat as NIGEL steps up to Nick.
NIGEL
Um, Nick? Isn’t it illegal to have a Jewish patron?
NICK
He’s not a patron, he’s producing money for the production to get it produced... so we
call him a... well we haven’t got a title yet.
(to the cast)
Okay, everyone, let’s take it from the top of the song.
#13—It’s Eggs
(crossing, muttering to himself)
Watch and weep Shakespeare. Watch and weep.
The TROUPE sing and dance.
TROUPE
WHAT’S THAT COOKIN’ ON THE GRIDDLE
WHIPPED UP AND BEATEN—IT’S EGGS
(IT’S EGGS—OOH!)
SO GOOD FOR EATIN’—IT’S EGGS
(IT’S EGGS, OOH!)
THROW SOME FIXINS IN THE MIDDLE
NICK
I SEE WITHIN THESE FLUFFY FOLDS
THE SCRAMBLED NATURE OF MY SOUL
I’M CRACKING UP AS I BEGIN
TO SEE THE BITS OF ME WITHIN THIS
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK, TROUPE
OM... OM, OM—OM, OM, OM
OM, OM, OM—OMELETTE!
SHYLOCK
(cutting them off)
I’m sorry, can I jump in here?
The MUSIC fizzles out. THEY stop.
Umm—what the hell is this?
I told you there’d be singing.
But they’re singing about eggs.
NICK
SHYLOCK
NICK
It’s a metaphor. The griddle is his mind. What’s he thinking? Eggs: the symbol of life.
But his thoughts are scrambled—he’s “cracking up”... like an egg.
Yeah, I’m not getting any of that.
SHYLOCK
NIGEL
Um... neither am I and I wrote it. I mean...
(checking script)
What’s a fiddler, and why is he on the roof?
NICK
Because... the roof is where the chim chimney is. Quit over-thinking it...
SHYLOCK
I’m just thinking about the audience. You know, the people who’ve come in from
Jersey.
Jersey?
NICK
SHYLOCK
In the Channel Islands. Next to Guernsey.
TOM, ROBIN, PETER, SNUG
Oh, yeah/Of course/Lot of theatre-go-ers come in from there...
SHYLOCK
These are salt-of-the-earth people, they’ve worked hard all week, they don’t want
metaphors. They want good old fashioned frivolous entertainment.
— 85 —
— 86 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS
CATS!
SHYLOCK
What?
NOSTRADAMUS
A whole stage covered with singing cats! No, wait...
(squinting).
No, that’s right. Singing cats.
Who’s the nut job?
SHYLOCK
NICK
He’s... in the show. I told you musicals need a big cast.
NOSTRADAMUS looks delighted with this news.
NIGEL
I’m sorry, Nick, I have a strong feeling something isn’t right about all this.
TOM, SNUG, ROBIN
I don’t get it/I miss the reapers!/we need better dresses.
TROUPE
I have some ideas/I agree/I’m not sure about all the eggs, etc.
(Yorkshire accent)
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
Ey up!
(pronounced “eye up”)
‘Scuse me, lads.
ALL heads turn. SHAKESPEARE—in disguise—has entered.
(as TOBY)
Name’s Toby Belch. A humble actor from York. I come seeking an audition for the
Bottom Brothers.
That’s us.
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
Oh! What an honor. I hear tell you are creating a work that is... incendiary.
Monumental. Bigger than Shakespeare.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
(to troupe)
Did ya hear that? That’s right. Toby, was it?
From York.
SHAKESPEARE (TOBY)
NICK
We are working on something pretty special. It’s a play full of songs—about an
omelette.
(dropping accent)
SHAKESPEARE (TOBY)
That’s the great idea?
What?
I said, “that’s a great idea!”
NICK
SHAKESPEARE (TOBY)
(hands him paper)
Here’s my head-sketch and resume.
(reading)
NICK
Hey. You’ve been in every one of my plays.
(feigning deference)
SHAKESPEARE (TOBY)
I’m a massive fan. And it’s so unfair that Shakespeare gets all the praise and
attention and the money—
(rubbing it in)
So much money—when your plays are in a class all of their own.
NICK
I like the new York actor! You’re hired! Gents, meet our newest cast member—Toby
Belch! Teach him the song.
THEY shake hands and introduce themselves. NICK notices NIGEL heading for the
door.
Where are you going? We have a whole second Act to sort out.
I... need to... explore some other ideas.
NIGEL
— 87 —
— 88 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
Let’s not go through this again. I told you... this is the idea. Omelette.
NIGEL
Yeah, and I told you something about that doesn’t feel right... and I just have
something that... I need to write on my own.
NICK
Oh, I get it. You want to go see her, don’t you? Well, that’s not gonna happen.
(NIGEL starts to leave)
Don’t. Stay... do not...
NIGEL’s look betrays him. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just runs away.
Nigel... get back h—Uggggh...
(turning to Nostradamus)
That girl.
Yoko!
NOSTRADAMUS
LIGHTS OUT ON THEM as we transition to...
#13A—Portia (Incidental)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 89 —
SCENE 3: Under London Bridge
Underneath London Bridge, NIGEL enters. PORTIA emerges from hiding.
Portia!
THEY embrace.
NIGEL
PORTIA
Oh, Nigel! You made it! I had to climb out the window, but I don’t think anyone saw
me...
Are you certain you want to do this?
Yes.
NIGEL
PORTIA
NIGEL
Because we don’t have to if you don’t want to.
No, no, I want to. I’m just... nervous.
So am I.
PORTIA
NIGEL
(lays his coat on the ground)
Is here okay?
SHE nods, sits. NIGEL reaches into his codpiece, feeling for something. Portia looks
away—until Nigel pulls out a PARCHMENT and reads.
“ODE TO Portia”—by Nigel Bottom.
NIGEL
(very fast)
“Like-stars-and-sun-together-never seen,
yet-heaven-made-us-one-our-flames to-shine,”
Whoa, whoa. Slow down.
PORTIA
NIGEL
Sorry—guess I’m more nervous than I thought. Let me try that again...
(deep breath, starting over)
Like stars and sun together never seen, yet heaven made us one our flames to shine...
— 90 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Oh God...
PORTIA
SHE’S overcome with sensation that is new to her.
NIGEL
Through night and day, no dusk or dawn between, and none could dim our light nor
love divine...
Mmmmm-hmmm...
(a little faster)
PORTIA
NIGEL
“Astronomers—behold these starry eyes!”
Mmm-HMMM...
PORTIA
NIGEL
“Forbidden love—bid secret hearts beat loud!”
Keep going...
PORTIA
NIGEL
“If laws of man our stately love denies.”
Don’t stop...
PORTIA
NIGEL
“In laws of nature is our love allowed.”
Yes!
(really fast)
PORTIA
NIGEL
“And-to-the-stars-will-fly the elusive-dove-to-heaven’s-gate-with-my-eternal-love!”
(breathless, turns away)
I finished too quickly. I skipped straight to the final couplet.
It’s okay.
(goes to him, hugs him from behind)
PORTIA
It was beautiful. Will you write me another?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NIGEL
What, straight away?
PORTIA
No, not straight away. But—this is what you should be writing, words that feel true
to you.
NIGEL
You mean instead of Omelette? I know. That just doesn’t feel right...
PORTIA
Then don’t write it. Write from your heart. It will move others as it has moved me.
NIGEL
Will it move your father? Change his mind? He doesn’t approve of us.
PORTIA
Neither does your brother. Oooh! Does that make us star-crossed??
<GASP—then giggle>
NIGEL, PORTIA
NIGEL
Wait, that’s not a good thing. We both know how that story ends—with me drinking
poison and you with a dagger in your heart.
#14—We See the Light
PORTIA
Maybe it doesn’t have to. Maybe we can write a different ending.
(singing)
I’M TIRED OF LISTENING
TO THE SAME SAD STORY
HOW LOVERS FAIL
BECAUSE IT’S WRITTEN IN THE STARS
THE FEUDING FAMILY PLOT
IS STARTING TO BORE ME
I’M THINKING WE
CAN SHOW ‘EM THAT’S NOT WHO WE ARE
IT MAY TAKE A LITTLE MORE PERSUADING
FOR THOSE WHO THINK IT’S BETTER
— 91 —
— 92 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(PORTIA)
THAT WE ARE APART
I HAVE NO DOUBT THEIR DOUBTS
WILL SOON BE FADING
WE’LL SHOW ‘EM HOW TRUE LOVE FINDS A WAY!
EVEN THOUGH—I KNOW WHAT THEY’LL SAY
A group of PURITANS enter carrying church pews.
PURITANS
NO, NO THAT WON’T DO, GOD HAS PLANS FOR YOU
IF YOU LIVE IN SIN, YOU LET THE DEVIL WIN
NO, NO THAT WON’T DO
The PURITANS sit on the pews.
PORTIA
But then, they’ll hear the words of truth you’ve written from your heart!
NIGEL steps forward and reads from his poem.
NIGEL
IF LOVE IS A SICKNESS, THEN FIND ME NO CURE
FOR TIS ONLY LOVE, THAT I KNOW TO BE PURE
PURITANS
Awwwww.
Then they’ll
PORTIA
THINK ABOUT IT...
PURITANS all rub their chins...
HMMMM..
PURITANS
AND PRAY ABOUT IT..
(hands in prayer)
YEAH...
PORTIA
PURITANS
PORTIA
THEN THEIR HEARTS WILL OPEN.
AND THEY’LL BE SINGIN’ A DIFFERENT TUNE!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 93 —
PURITANS flip their capes and frocks over to reveal paisley and bright flowers as they
burst out into a jubilant 70’s style dance, with PORTIA and NIGEL joining in.
PURITANS, NIGEL, PORTIA
WE SEE, THE LIGHT
YOU CHANGED HOW WE’RE THINKIN’
CUZ WE WERE BLIND
BUT YOU SHOWED US THE WAY
WE’RE WRONG, YOU’RE RIGHT
SALVATION IS YOURS IF YOU DO WHAT IS TRUE TO YOU
AND YOU DO IT WITH
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
DO IT WITH LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
YEAH... OH!
THEY now realize that JEREMIAH has entered and is standing amongst them—arms
folded, looking angry.
NIGEL
YOUR FATHER!
PORTIA
YEAH, HE’S A HARD MAN TO BE MOVED
AND HE’LL SAY...
JEREMIAH
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, I DO NOT APPROVE
PORTIA
BUT I KNOW YOU’LL WIN HIM OVER
HIS HEART IS GONNA SING
AND HE’LL LOVE YOU WHEN YOU DO YOUR THING
Go on, do it. Do it right now. Do it.
NIGEL
IF LOVE IS LOVED PURELY
CHORUS
OOOOOH, OOOOH
THEN LET ME OPINE
THAT ALL LOVE IS SURELY DIVINE
GO ON DO IT, GO ON, DO IT RIGHT NOW
BROTHER JEREMIAH throws off his coat revealing something brightly colored
underneath.
Good God, ya’ll...
BROTHER JEREMIAH
I SEE THE LIGHT
— 94 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
BROTHER JEREMIAH, PURITANS
YOU’VE CHANGED HOW HE’S/I’M THINKIN’
CAUSE HE/I WAS BLIND
BROTHER JEREMIAH
BUT YOU SHOWED ME THE WAY
I’M WRONG
YOU’RE RIGHT
PURITANS
(HE’S WRONG)
(YOU’RE RIGHT)
BROTHER JEREMIAH, PURITANS
SALVATION IS YOURS
IF YOU DO WHAT IS TRUE TO YOU
AND YOU DO IT WITH
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
DO IT WITH
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
BROTHER JEREMIAH
OH, BRETHREN!
I SAY UNTO YOU
PURITANS, NIGEL, PORTIA
SAY WHAT?
I SAY—
BROTHER JEREMIAH
WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE THESE TWO?
SO TRUE,
PURITANS, NIGEL, PORTIA
PREACH IT!
BROTHER JEREMIAH
HE’S A WRITER, HE’S DOING WHAT HE CAN
WHAT HE CAN...
PURITANS
BROTHER JEREMIAH
SHE’S THE DAUGHTER OF A PREACHER MAN
WHOO!
PURITANS
BROTHER JEREMIAH
AND THEY GOT THE RIGHT...
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
JEREMIAH, PURITANS
THEY GOT THE RIGHT, THEY GOT THE RIGHT TO BE TOGETHER
JEREMIAH
I NEED NO FURTHER PROOF
(pointing to Nigel’s poem)
THESE WORDS, THEY SPEAK THE TRUTH
JEREMIAH, PURITANS, NIGEL, PORTIA
AND THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
SET YOU FREE...
JEREMIAH
JEREMIAH, PURITANS
WHEN YOU DO WHAT IS TRUE TO YOU AND YOU DO IT WITH...
NICK has entered and he’s about to voice his objection.
NICK
WAIT!
NIGEL simply holds his poem out in front of his face.
NIGEL
READ.
NICK reads and instantly smiles broadly.
AWWWWWWW....
YAY!
NICK
ENSEMBLE
PURITANS, NICK, JEREMIAH
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
DO IT WITH
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
During the final chorus, various PURITANS step forward and take soulful solo lines...
PURITANS
YEAH, WE SEE THE LIGHT
(WE SEE, THE LIGHT)
YOU CHANGED HOW WE’RE THINKIN’
— 95 —
— 96 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
CUZ WE
(PURITANS)
(CUZ WE)
WERE BLIND,
BUT YOU SHOWED US THE WAY
(WERE BLIND)
(SHOWED US THE WAY)
WE’RE WRONG
(WE’RE WRONG),
SALVATION
(SALVATION)
YOU’RE RIGHT
(YOU’RE RIGHT)
IS YOURS
IF YOU DO WHAT IS TRUE TO YOU
AND YOU DO IT WITH LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
PURITAN 1
YEAH, I BELIEVE IN THE POWER OF LOVE. WHOO!
PURITANS
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
PURITAN 2
I’VE BEEN CHANGED, I’VE BEEN CHANGED
I’VE BEEN CHANGED BY LOVE!
PURITANS
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
PURITAN 3
AND WHAT WE NEED IS
PURITANS
PURE LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE
CAN YOU FEEL IT...
PURITAN 4
ALL
WE SEE—THE LIGHT!
#14A—We See the Light (Playoff)
(dancing offstage)
PURITANS
LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE, DO IT WITH LUH-UH-UH-UH-UH-OVE,
DO IT WITH LOVE!
NIGEL and PORTIA are left on stage.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
You really think that could happen?
NIGEL
PORTIA
Yes. Once my father sees your heart is true, he will love you as much as I do.
#14B—Portia and Nigel Kiss
THEY kiss. JEREMIAH enters with a couple of PURITANS.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
THERE SHE IS!! YOU DARE DEFY ME, DAUGHTER OF EVE!?
Please, father...
PORTIA
BROTHER JEREMIAH
You bid me grant you leave so you could pray forgiveness in church, and instead
you slither off here to sate your lustful desires!?
(to Nigel)
PORTIA
Read it. Read your poem.
NIGEL steps forward to read (as he did in the song)
“If love is a sic...”
SILENCE!
Okay.
NIGEL
BROTHER JEREMIAH
NIGEL
BROTHER JEREMIAH
You will tempt my daughter no more. She will be locked in the church tower, and
there she will stay until her exile to our brethren in Scotland.
#15—Nigel's Theme
NO!...
PORTIA
PORTIA and NIGEL embrace. A PURITAN separates them and drags her away.
— 97 —
— 98 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NIGEL
Portia!
PORTIA
Write what you feel, Nigel.
NIGEL
I will! I promise!
PORTIA
I love you!
NIGEL
And I lov—
JEREMIAH stops him.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
I am warning you, boy! Leave her be—or you will pay... dearly.
JEREMIAH leaves. NIGEL is left alone, panicking.
NIGEL
Portia!!!
CHORD STING. NIGEL faces forward.
OH WHAT GOOD IS LIVING
WHEN LIFE IS SO CRUEL
AND MY DESTINY
IS TO BE FORTUNE’S FOOL
IF MY PEN BE MY ONE
AND MY ONLY COMPANION
LET IT SPEAK FOR MY SOUL
HE sits at the writing desk.
(writing)
LET IT SPEAK FOR MY SOUL...
SURE AS THE DAY
FOLLOWS THE NIGHT...
SURE AS THEY SKY TURNS TO BLUE.
HE takes out a quill, starts writing. As he writes, the theater opens and the TROUPE
(and SHAKESPEARE) enters, holding script pages in front of their faces.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 99 —
SCENE 4: T he T heater
NIGEL
THIS MUCH I KNOW, THIS MUCH IS TRUE
ABOVE ALL ELSE IN WHATEVER YOU DO
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
The TROUPE lowers their pages.
TROUPE
Wow!/that’s really good/so poetic, etc...
NIGEL
I’m still working out the details but why don’t we take it from the prince’s soliloquy.
(handing Peter Quince a page)
Peter—please...
PETER takes the page, steps forward.
PETER QUINCE
To be or not to be—that is the question.
SHAKESPEARE/TOBY hears this. Perks up. Edges forward, trying to get a look at the
speech...
Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune
or to take arms against a sea of troubles.
(lowering paper, to Nigel)
This is really good shit, mate.
It is!/It’s amazing/etc.
TROUPE
SHAKESPEARE reaches for the page but PETER walks away before he can get it.
NIGEL
Let’s keep going. Robin—from your entrance...
ROBIN, holding pages, steps forward. NICK enters, unseen.
ROBIN
Oh that this too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself into a dew.
PETER QUINCE
Frailty, thy name is woman—get thee to a nunnery.
— 100 —
Hold thy tongue, fair prince.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
ROBIN
PETER QUINCE
The lady doth protest too much me thinks.
Um... what the hell?
NICK
PETER QUINCE
Nick, you’re little brother has written something truly amazing.
It’s better than Shakespeare
Um... is it?
NICK crosses to Nigel.
FRANCIS FLUTE
SHAKESPEARE
NICK
You wrote something and didn’t even run it by me?
NIGEL
Nick, please—just listen. You gave me all these insane ideas, and I took the ones that
actually made sense and wrote something that rings true. In here.
Oh, God...
NICK
NIGEL
Don’t—DO THAT! Please just hear me out...
(collecting his thoughts)
It’s about a prince... and he’s not eating a Danish he is Danish... and he’s full of
anguish for a great loss, and he realizes his own life has no meaning. He’s so
depressed he wants to kill himself but he can’t even make up his mind about that.
Then his true love is forced into religious exile—where she probably dies of a broken
heart. Then he descends into madness and he dies and everyone dies and the whole
stage is covered in bodies, and blood, and death... and “the rest is silence”, they’re all
left...
(reading)
...”to die, to sleep, to sleep perchance, to dream.”
NIGEL drops the pages. SHAKESPEARE picks them up and walks downstage.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(dropping the Toby voice)
SHAKESPEARE
That’s the great idea...
NICK takes the pages from Shakespeare, reads...
NICK
This has nothing to do with eggs!
SHAKESPEARE
That’s what’s missing! Why don’t I collect all these pages and hold them for safe
keeping?
SHAKESPEARE takes the pages back from Nick but NIGEL takes them from
Shakespeare.
NIGEL
Nick, I’m worried you aren’t thinking clearly here. Read it. I think it’s good.
I am reading and where’s the omelette?
NICK
NIGEL
There is no omelette.
NICK
What do you mean there’s no omelette, there has to be an omelette.
NIGEL
Why?
#16—To Thine Own Self Be True
Because it’s called Omelette!
NICK
NIGEL
Why does it have to be called Omelette!?
NICK
It just... does, okay? You have to trust me on this.
(to the troupe)
He’s not hearing me.
Just read him what you wrote...
NIGEL
FRANCIS FLUE
— 101 —
— 102 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NIGEL
Why? He won’t listen.
(taking pages from Nigel)
SHAKESPEARE
I should really take these before this turns ugly.
ROBIN
(taking pages from Shakespeare)
Just—read it!
NIGEL
Okay, fine...
(NIGEL takes the pages)
Something happened last night. I promised to write what I feel—and here it is.
(sings)
SURE AS THE DAY FOLLOWS THE NIGHT
SURE AS THE SKY TURNS TO BLUE
THIS MUCH I KNOW THIS MUCH IS TRUE
ABOVE ALL ELSE IN WHATEVER YOU DO
TROUPE, NIGEL
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
TOM
I love that!
It’s like good line and good advice!
FRANCIS
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
I don’t know. I thought the whole breakfast theme was really strong. Everyone loves
breakfast!
NICK
Exactly! But there’s no ham, there’s no eggs... You’re completely ignoring the theme!
NIGEL
I’m ignoring the “breakfast theme”—because it’s ridiculous!
NICK
Oh really? So my idea is wrong but this whole “true to yourself” thing is right?
That’s not just a line, it’s what I believe.
NIGEL
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 103 —
NICK
Then you are a fool if you think life is as simple as that.
NIGEL
I do!
NICK
Well, I don’t!
Ugggh, this is hopeless.
NIGEL
FRANCIS
You really should listen, Nick—it just makes your heart wanna soar.
The TROUPE steps center stage and forms a choir, singing a capella.
TROUPE
SURE AS THE DAY, FOLLOWS THE NIGHT
SURE AS THE SKY TURNS TO BLUE
THIS MUCH I KNOW...
THIS MUCH I KNOW
THIS MUCH IS TRUE
THIS MUCH IS TRUE...
NIGEL
TROUPE
NIGEL
TROUPE
NIGEL
ABOVE ALL ELSE,
IN WHATEVER YOU DO
REMEMBER
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE.
Silence. NICK appears to have listened. He steps up to Nigel—then SCREAMS.
WHERE’S— THE OMELETTE??
NICK
NIGEL
Wow. What has happened to you? Where’s the brother who had integrity, who
inspired me to become a writer?
— 104 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
He finally has a great idea! And I can tell you for a fact it will be known as the single
greatest play ever written!
NIGEL
HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT??
NICK
I just do! Now we don’t have time for this. We open in a week. Are you gonna help
me write Omelette or not?
NIGEL looks to the troupe, then back to Nick.
NIGEL
No.
NICK
No??
NIGEL
I can’t. It doesn’t feel right. And deep down, I don’t think it feels right to you either.
NIGEL starts to leave. NICK stops him.
NICK
It must be so great to always “do what you feel” because you have no one else to
take care of but yourself. And that’s why I never wanted to write that sappy “brother
who carried you from Cornwall” story — because I’m still carrying you. And I’m
sick of it!
NIGEL recoils hearing this. He’s hurt.
NIGEL
Then why don’t I just get off your back.
NIGEL exits, taking pages out of Shakespeare’s hands.
SHAKESPEARE
(reaching towards pages that are no longer there)
D’ahhhhhhhhhh....
HE smiles to the troupe, then hurries out.
NICK is momentarily shaken...
Then SHYLOCK enters with NOSTRADAMUS behind him.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHYLOCK
Nick! There you are! I’ve got news! Your musical? Omelette? We’re not selling any
tickets...
NICK looks gutted
...because we’ve SOLD OUT!
(to the troupe)
They lined up around the block!
TROUPE
What?/Seriously?/wait, what did he say?...
NICK
(crossing to Nostradamus)
“What audiences will be lining up to see...”
Told ya.
NOSTRADAMUS
NICK
So what’ll it be guys? You wanna do something “meaningful” and “artistic?”
TROUPE
Yeah/we are artists/we have integrity...
NICK
OR—do you want to be in a massive hit and actually make some money?
TROUPE
That one/we wanna get paid/we need money...etc.
#16A—To Thine Own Self (Part 2)
NICK
Then let’s give the audience what they’re hungry for. OMELETTE THE MUSICAL!
WE’RE ON OUR WAY TO GLORY
WE’LL PLAY FOR KINGS AND QUEENS
AND THERE AND THEN
WE’LL SEE THE END
WILL JUSTIFY THE MEANS
TROUPE
THE END WILL JUSTIFY THE MEANS
SURE AS THE DAY FOLLOWS THE NIGHT
— 105 —
— 106 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
SURELY WE MUST SEE THIS THROUGH
OKAY IF YOU SAY SO
DAMNED IF I DON’T
DON’T!
TROUPE
NICK
TROUPE
NICK
DAMNED IF I DO!
TROUPE
DO!
NICK
BUT DAMN IT I DON’T HAVE
THE LUXURY TO
HANG ALL MY HOPE
ON SOME SIMPLISTIC TROPE
LIKE TO THINE OWN SELF...
TO THINE OWN SELF
BE TRUE
TROUPE
NICK, TROUPE
#16B—To Thine Own Self (Playoff)
The TROUPE and NICK exit as the theater closes and we transition to...
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 107 —
Scene 5: A South London Street
NIGEL heads across stage but is stopped when SHAKESPEARE (TOBY) runs in.
Ay, up!
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
NIGEL
Toby? What do you want?
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
Just to say... I didn’t really get a chance to read all of what you wrote, but I’d happily
do it now.
NIGEL
Why? “I think good thoughts whilst others write good words.”
Good line, that.
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
NIGEL
Right. Because I didn’t write it.
Shakespeare did.
NIGEL, SHAKESPEARE
NIGEL bows his head in defeat. SHAKESPEARE gets an idea...
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
Right. Shakespeare. You really admire him, don’t you?
NIGEL nods.
Right. Well—I’ll leave you in peace then.
SHAKESPEARE/TOBY hurries off, already removing the Toby disguise as NIGEL sifts
through the pages...
NIGEL
(muttering to himself)
Oh, Portia... I did what you said and look what happened.
SHAKESPEARE enters as himself.
Nigel!
SHAKESPEARE
(pointing to his face, “remember me?”)
It’s Will. Fancy meeting you here, what a complete and utter coincidence.
— 108 —
<GASP>
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(SHAKESPEARE)
And is that the Bottom Brother’s new play?
NIGEL
No, this is something I tried to write on my own.
May I?
What? Oh, yeah, sure...
SHAKESPEARE
NIGEL
NIGEL hands him the pages. SHAKESPEARE turns away, reads. Is amazed.
“When sorrows come, they come not single spies but in battalions”
(blown away)
God...
Oh god, is it that bad?
(sincerely)
NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE
No.
(changing tactics)
No... it’s just...
(pointing to pages)
“To be or not to be” “What a piece of work is man...” It’s a lot of cliches, Nigel.
Really? That’s been done?
NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE
Oh yeah—and as your friend, I will read this and see if there’s anything here that
can be salvaged. But I don’t want to see this with your name on it.
(tucks pages in his shirt)
But your “musical...” “OMELETTE?” I’ve told everyone I know they simply must go
and see it.
Really? But it’s so...
NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE
Bold? Daring? Yes. A lesser writer would shy away. Would you?
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(a hand on his back)
— 109 —
(SHAKESPEARE)
Write your Omelette.
(points to the pages)
Not this. That. Forget this. Write that.
SHAKESPEARE exits. NIGEL heads for the bench SL and sits.
NIGEL
Write your omelette... write your omelette...
We hear BEA and three women (MIRANDA, ROSALIND, and HELENA) O.S.
They’re all chattering...
BEA, LADIES
That was so fun/So glad we did this/etc.
BEA
Nigel! The ladies just threw me a party and gave me the sweetest gifts for the baby.
Look what Helena gave me to help the baby sleep.
SHE holds up a big jug.
Whiskey!
HELENA
BEA
Isn’t that thoughtful? And Miranda gave me this to help with the delivery.
It's a stick—to bite on.
MIRANDA
BEA puts the stick in her mouth, screams delivery pain. THEY all laugh.
BEA
AHHHHHH! Yeah, that’s gonna hurt. Hey, how’s the show going?
Um... you’d have to ask Nick.
NIGEL
BEA instantly senses something’s wrong.
(to ladies)
I’ll catch up with you later.
BEA
— 110 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(BEA)
The LADIES nod understandingly, taking their gifts for Bea and exit. BEA leads Nigel
to the bench—has him sit.
What’s wrong?
NIGEL
We just had a big fight. He said some things that... He said he was carrying me.
BEA
Oh no.
NIGEL
Yeah. It really hurt. I’m thinking maybe we shouldn’t work together anymore.
BEA
(nods, thinking)
Uh-huh. Do you know the poem “Love is a shit-load of work?”
NIGEL
Um... no?
BEA
That’s because the poets never write about what love is really like. Try being married
for ten years, it’s not all summer’s days and sweet-smelling roses. It’s more like
“Shall I compare thee to a horses ass?”
THEY laugh.
Look, I’ll admit I’ve never seen him like this. He’s under a lot of pressure and doing
some really stupid things; keeping stuff to himself, saying hurtful things, taking all
our savings from the money box...
NIGEL
What??
BEA
Oh yeah. Still trying to figure out how that love poem is gonna end. But what stops
us from walking out on him? I think it’s because you know, like I know...
#16C—Right Hand Man (Reprise)
(SHE sings)
IF YOU EVER GOT IN TROUBLE
HE WOULD BE THERE ON THE DOUBLE
JUST TO BAIL YOU OUT
IF THERE’S ANYTHING YOU LACK
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(BEA)
YOU KNOW HE’S ALWAYS GOT YOUR BACK
THAT’S WHAT HE’S ALL ABOUT
HE HAS HIS FAULTS, BUT HE MEANS WELL
AND HE ALWAYS DOES THE BEST THAT HE CAN
BUT IT SHOULD BE UNDERSTOOD
I WOULDN’T CHANGE HIM IF I COULD
CAUSE I KNOW HIS HEART IS GOOD
(speaking)
AND HE’LL ALWAYS BE YOUR RIGHT HAND MAN
He can’t do this without you. Maybe you need to carry him for a bit.
Okay. I will.
NIGEL
BEA
Great. I can’t wait to see what you two come up with. I’m sure you’ll give ‘em a
show they’ll never forget.
— 111 —
— 112 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SCENE 6: On Stage At T he T heatre
The TROUPE are in the banquet room. NIGEL enters, holding an egg like Yorrick’s
skull.
#17—Something Rotten
NICK
Alas, poor yolk, I know thee well.
(singing)
THERE’S SOMETHING ROTTEN, THERE’S SOMETHING ROTTEN
NICK, TROUPE
YOU CAN SMELL IT, YOU CAN TELL IT’S SOMETHING ROTTEN
NOW THE KINGDOM IS SHOT AND IT’S ALL GONE TO POT
HEAVEN HELP US THERE IS SOMETHING ROTT-EN.
NICK looks to the egg.
NICK
Frailty, thy name is egg. How like thee I am. For I am—what I am, and what I am
doth be an illusion.
You beckoned, my lord.
Where is Macavity?
HORATIO
NICK
HORATIO
At the Jellicle Ball. He would not come.
NICK goes to Nigel, dressed as a guard.
GO AND FETCH HIM!
NIGEL hurries off.
Alas, my lord, what vexes thee?
NICK
HORATIO
NICK
I dreamed a dream, Horatio. An impossible dream. There were wheels upon yon
dream. And raindrops upon Rosencrantz and whiskers on his kitten.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
What be the meaning of it?
We’ve got trouble.
HORATIO
NICK
HORATIO
Trouble?
NICK
TROUBLE, I SAY! MY FATHER LIES DEAD AND THE SERPENT
THAT DID STING HIS LIFE NOW WEARS HIS CROWN.
SHAKESPEARE enters as the KING. On the opposite side, NIGEL runs back in.
Where is Macavity!??
Macavity’s not there!
NIGEL (SPEAR CARRIER)
(getting more crazed)
NICK
ZOUNDS!
ROBIN (the QUEEN) enters. ALL bow.
My Queen.
FOOTMAN
ROBIN (QUEEN)
Oh, what a ball. I could have danced all night!
Gentle prince, thine absence ‘twas worrisome for the King and I.
NICK
If mama weren’t married, t’would not be so.
Three COURTIERS (Tom Snout, Peter Quince, Snug) enter.
Where be the king!?
TOM SNOUT
NICK turns to greet them but they walk right past him and bow to Shakespeare.
Gentle fellows! What news?
The Nazis have arrived.
The Nazis?
SHAKESPEARE (SCAR)
TOM SNOUT
SHAKESPEARE (SCAR)
— 113 —
— 114 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
A beat where THEY look concerned, then...
ALL
HUZZAH!
SHAKESPEARE
The Nazis are such good men one and all! With their succor, we shall make war
against the Puerto Ricans.
ALL
TONIGHT!
SHAKESPEARE
(praying to the heavens)
Oh luck, be a lady tonight.
As ROBIN, TOM, PETER and the OTHERS congratulate Shakespeare, NICK points
angrily at him.
NICK
He wears the crown that should don my head. GOD I HOPE I GET IT!
SHAKESPEARE
Fair guests—wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome. The wedding breakfast is served!
#17A—Intro to Omelette
Lights up on the banquet table where SHAKESPEARE (King) sits with ROBIN
(queen) surrounded by court.
MEMBERS OF COURT stand about. NICK notices a bowl of eggs on the table.
NICK
My father newly dead and the funeral boiled eggs now coldly furnish forth the
marriage table. Methinks another chef might have whisked our disparate eggs
together—as one.
SHAKESPEARE (TOBY)
Pray, nephew—what dost thou mean?
Well, I’ll tell you...
NICK
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 115 —
#18—Make an Omelette
(singing)
(NICK)
THE FRUIT OF LIFE CAN’T ALWAYS TASTE LIKE SWEET PERSIMMONS
SOMETIMES IT’S HARD TO SWALLOW, I’M AFRAID
BUT WHEN LIFE HAS HANDED YOU SOME LEMONS
THEN HAND IT BACK A MUG OF LEMONADE
MY FATHER SAID THIS TO ME
THAT, HE DID AND THEN HE BLEW ME...
AWAY WITH WISDOM SIMPLE AND CONCISE
HE SAID, EGBERT, LIFE IS MERELY WHAT YOU MAKE OF IT
SO HEED THIS SOUND ADVICE
YOU MAKE WINE FROM SOUR GRAPES
YOU GOT A FLAT PANCAKE, HEY, CALL IT A CREPE
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS
MAKE AN OMELETTE
YOU GET COLA FROM A NUT
A DIRTY WORM MAKES SILK FROM OUT OF HIS BUTT
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS
MAKE AN OMELETTE—OMELETTE
THREE CHEFS enter with frying pans.
NICK, THREE CHEFS
THE SOLUTION TO YOUR TROUBLES
IS CHEESE AND VEGETABLES
(pronounced “veg-i-TUH-bles”)
AND BACON, MAKE AN OMELETTE, YEAH
NICK
WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE YOU SHOULD QUIT
FIND ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT IT
NICK, THREE CHEFS
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS, YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT
OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM OMELETTE
OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM OMELETTE
OMELETTE!
— 116 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NOSTRADAMUS enters as THE PHANTOM.
NOSTRADAMUS
THE SOLUTION TO YOUR TROUBLES
RIGHT HERE IN RIVER CITY
SHIPOOPI, CHICAGO, OMELETTE—YEAH
WHEN IT LOOKS LIKE YOU SHOULD QUIT
NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS
FIND ANOTHER WAY OF LOOKING AT IT
NICK, NOSTRADAMUS, CHORUS
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS
JUST A GREAT BIG BOWL OF EGGS
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT OMELETTE
Breakdown. NICK is joined by THREE CHEFS.
NICK, CHEFS
CRACK! SPLAT! PSHHH...
CRACK! SPLAT! PSHHH...
CRACK! SPLAT! PSHHH...
(MAKE AN OMELETTE)
(MAKE AN OMELETTE)
MAKE AN OMELETTE, MAKE AN OMELETTE, MAKE AN OMELETTE NOW
How?
NICK
THREE CHEFS
FIRST, MELT A TABLESPOON OF BUTTER IN A MEDIUM FRYING PAN
OVER MEDIUM HEAT
AND SAUTE THE ONIONS AND GREEN PEPPERS TIL THEY’RE TENDER
ADD THE HAM PIECES
NICK
MAKE AN OMELETTE, MAKE AN OMELETTE, MAKE AN OMELETTE NOW
THREE CHEFS
TURN OFF THE HEAT!
LET THE OMELETTE SIT ONE MINUTE IN THE SKILLET
SO THE INSIDE COOKS RIGHT THROUGH
CAST enter in egg costumes. THEY dance. Then NICK begins attacking them, trying
to catch them and hit them and crack them open with his whisk.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 117 —
NICK, CHORUS
TAKE THAT EGG AND BEAT IT
TAKE THAT EGG AND BEAT IT
(NO)
(NO)
YOU GOTTA BEAT IT AND HEAT IT BEFORE YOU EAT IT
SO BEAT THAT EGG
BEAT THAT EGG
BEAT THAT EGG
CHEFS, SHAKESPEARE, NICK, ROBIN
AND THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE AN OMELETTE
THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE AN OMELETTE
THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE AN OMELETTE
THAT’S HOW YOU MAKE AN...
There is ONE EGG left on stage. It slowly rises...and sings
SAD LITTLE EGG
AND I AM TELLING YOU
I’M NOT GOING TO BE AN OMELETTE
NICK whacks the sad little egg who cracks and runs away.
CHEFS, SHAKESPEARE, NICK, ROBIN
YOU MAKE WINE FROM SOUR GRAPES
YOU GOT A FLAT PANCAKE JUST CALL IT A CREPE
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS MAKE AN
OMMMMMMMMM-LETTE
ALL
SHAKE A LEG AND SLAP A THIGH
IF YOUR CHOLESTEROL’S HIGH YOU’LL PROBABLY DIE
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS - JUST A GREAT BIG BOWL OF EGGS
WHEN LIFE GIVES YOU EGGS YOU GOTTA MAKE THAT
OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM—OM, OM, OM
FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE, IT WAS WHITE AND YELLOW AND WHITE AND
YELLOW AND WHITE AND YELLOW AND WHITE.
MAKE AN OMELETTE!
Song ends. Applause.
NICK
Though this may appear madness, there be method in it. Simple truths—
— 118 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHAKESPEARE (AS TOBY)
Can I interrupt here? I have a question.
NICK is thrown by the unscripted interruption.
NICK
Er, fair Uncle Scar? Why doth thou speakest when thou shouldn’t... speakest?
The CAST is confused. “Toby” is clearly off script.
SHAKESPEARE
Because I want to know—how canst thou make an omelette... when one of the eggs
be rotten?
(sniffing Nick)
Ah, therein lies the rub! The rotten one—is you!
Toby?
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
Or not Toby—that is the question.
HE removes his beard and wig revealing his true identity.
Will?
Shakespeare?
You little snake.
And you said I was a shit actor.
You will not make an ass of me.
NIGEL
PETER QUINCE
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
No need. You’ve done a fine job on your own.
Nick, what’s going on?
NIGEL
SHAKESPEARE
Allow me, since Master Bottom’s plots are hard to follow.
(points to Nostradamus)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 119 —
(SHAKESPEARE)
This man is a soothsayer. And he was hired by...
(points to Nick)
...this man, who paid him to look into the future and steal my greatest idea.
(looking at the guys in egg costumes)
Though I can’t believe I come up with this shit.
Nick? Is this true?
ROBIN
NICK
Guys, I can expl—
The TROUPE, disappointed, walk away. NICK follows them but they’re gone. Then he
turns to see NIGEL staring in disbelief.
You lied to me?
You don’t understand...
No. I don’t.
NIGEL
NICK
NIGEL
NIGEL storms off. NICK bows his head, defeated.
Well—my work is done.
SHAKESPEARE
(leaving, passing Nick)
Nice try, Nick.
(to the audience)
Yeah, that just happened.
SHAKESPEARE exits. NICK is left alone with NOSTRADAMUS...
#18A—After Omelette
I have failed... in every way.
NICK
NOSTRADAMUS
I could have told you this would happen, but you wouldn’t have listened
— 120 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
No, you did tell me. You said there would be a great price. And now, I have to
pay it...
#18B—Into the Courtroom
DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS as we transition to
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 121 —
SCENE 7: Cour troom
NOSTRADAMUS takes his seat on the bench beside SHYLOCK and NIGEL. Nigel
turns his back on Nick. The GALLERY is in an uproar.
GALLERY, PEOPLE IN COURT
Outrageous!/Hang them!/This is obscene/I'm scarred for life!/etc.
THE MASTER OF THE JUSTICE bangs his gavel as JEREMIAH steps forward.
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
Order! Silence in the court!
BROTHER JEREMIAH
I share their outrage, m’lord, at this vile and offensive production. It was my duty as
a magistrate, but more importantly my duty to God, to have them arrested for
blasphemy, treason, employment of a Jew, witchcraft, and the provocative parading
of eggs. And for such offenses, the law demands beheading.
MURMURS of approval from the CROWD.
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
Defendants? Do you have a lawyer present?
No, your grace.
(OLD MALE VOICE)
NICK
BEA (O.S.)
Correction! I am their lawyer.
An ELDERLY BEARDED MAN in a black robe and wig enters (it’s BEA in disguise).
And I say beheading this man would be redundant. Clearly the fool has lost his head
already!
Bea?
NICK
BEA
Be more specific? I shall. Did you take the money from the money box?
(bowing head in shame)
Yes.
Did you deceive your brother?
NICK
BEA
— 122 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NICK
Yes.
BEA
Did you lie to your wife... who by all accounts is a wonderful and supportive
woman...
(tapping clerk’s desk)
Write that down!
Yes. I did all those things.
NICK
BEA
Which is why I enter a plea of temporary insanity!
And before sentencing is pronounced, I think we’d all like to know... what on earth
were you thinking?
The learned counselor is right.
NICK
#19—To Thine Own Self (Reprise)
I did lose my mind. No, worse. I lost myself. And it wouldn’t have happened if I had
just listened. Someone much wiser than me tried to tell me...
SURE AS THE DAY FOLLOWS THE NIGHT
SURE AS THEY SKY TURNS TO BLUE
THIS MUCH I KNOW, THIS MUCH IS TRUE
ABOVE ALL ELSE IN WHATEVER YOU DO
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
WHY DID I WANDER SO FAR FROM THE MAN
THAT THE TWO OF YOU KNEW I COULD BE
AND I LOST SIGHT OF ALL
THAT MATTERED SOMEHOW
I COULD NOT SEE IT THEN
BUT I SEE IT NOW
BEA points Nick towards Nigel. NICK approaches him as music plays...
I JUST DIDN’T THINK, I HAD IT IN ME
SO I MADE IT HARDER THAN IT HAD TO BE
SHOULDA FOLLOWED MY HEART, SHOULDA LISTENED TO YOU
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
NIGEL joins him.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 123 —
NICK, NIGEL
THEY hug.
TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
That’s very touching, but the law demands beheading, and nothing can change that.
BEA
Or can it? The defense calls Master William Shakespeare.
#19A—Shakespeare in Court
NICK is about to protest. BEA puts a finger to his lips as SHAKESPEARE enters.
(singing)
GALLERY, CLERK, MASTER OF JUSTICE
SHAKESPEARE!
SHAKESPEARE!
SHAKESPEARE
Hi... hi... how are you, good to see you...
(taking center stage)
If it please the court...
(clapping his hands)
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
Oh, the court is very pleased. Continue.
SHAKESPEARE
Words without thoughts never to heaven go...
(to clerk)
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
I love how he puts words in the wrong order.
SHAKESPEARE
And the quality of mercy is not strained. It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven.
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
It's good because he entertains, but he makes you think as well...
SHAKESPEARE
But! - if a merciful ending is not written here today, then on my stage shall I replay these
events—with these characters and thee at thy bench—then, shall I see fair justice done.
— 124 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
Are you saying you might write a play about this? With me as a character? Well, I
wouldn’t want to look the fool.
SHAKESPEARE
And you shan’t, Lord Falstaff—not if you spare their lives and see these mischief
makers banish-ed. Send them off of this royal throne of kings, this sceptered isle, this
blessed plot, this earth, this realm—this England.
The GALLERY, CLERK, GUARDS and JUDGE... even NOSTRADAMUS all
APPLAUD
SHAKESPEARE bows.
(tearing up)
MASTER OF THE JUSTICE
That is so much more elegant than beheading, I agree. Defendants, I sentence you to
be banish-ed.
(a point and wink to Shakespeare)
Transported on the first ship for the New World. And take your so called ‘Musicals’
with you!
HE bangs his gavel and then leaves. NICK hugs Nigel, then turns and kisses Bea.
The GALLERY reacts.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
Look! Homosexuals! Come back! Charge them!
Oh, please. I’m a woman!
BEA
JEREMIAH backs away repulsed.
(mocking her)
BROTHER JEREMIAH
I’m a woman...
SHAKESPEARE crosses.
You’re welcome.
SHAKESPEARE
NIGEL
For what? All those lines were from my pages. You’re just getting us out of the way
so you can steal my work.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 125 —
SHAKESPEARE
Getting beheaded would have been out of the way as well. No, the world is better
with you in it—just not my world.
(to Nick)
Besides, this amazing woman—and impressive actor—persuaded me I could make a
stand for free speech today.
NICK
I’d say you got about twenty free speeches there.
NICK steps towards Shakespeare. NIGEL stops him.
NIGEL
Let it go, Nick. All’s well that ends well.
SHAKESPEARE
Good line.
Stop giving him your best stuff!
(stepping forward)
NICK
SHAKESPEARE
Good-night, sweet prince. And flights of angels...
(searching for it)
... do something!
(shrugs)
Exit Shakespeare!
SHAKESPEARE!
CROWD
SHAKESPEARE exits, the CROWD follows him. PORTIA runs in
Nigel!
PORTIA
NIGEL
Portia! Oh, I thought I’d never see you again!
THEY embrace.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
Portia!? What are you doing here? I sent you away!
— 126 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
PORTIA
And I’m going. But not before I say goodbye.
Very well. I will allow it.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
PORTIA steps up to Nigel.
PORTIA
It pains the heart to say adieu to someone you love, but alas, the time has come.
(NIGEL is about to cry but SHE turns to Jeremiah)
Goodbye father.
What?!
BROTHER JEREMIAH
PORTIA
“The good man’s children will be prosperous in the wilderness”—Psalms 112.
You have your poets, and I will have mine.
SHE kisses Nigel.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
What??... No!... Oh Goddammit!
HE cups his mouth again, then embarrassed, tries to regain his composure and proudly exits.
NICK
So you made a deal... with Shakespeare?
BEA
We wanted a new country home—and we’re getting a home in a new country!
Didn’t see that coming!
NOSTRADAMUS
SHYLOCK
I hear in the New World, a guy like me can be anything he wants!
NIGEL
And I bet they’ll be open to something really original.
NICK
And brother—I know just the story we should tell.
#20—Welcome to America
LIGHTING CHANGE. STAGE TRANSFORMS as THEY exit revealing...
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 127 —
SCENE 8: New American Colony
LARGE WOODEN FORT made of logs with spikes on top. The TROUPE are lined up
as the familiar BLACK DEATH music plays. SHYLOCK enters and addresses the
audience.
SHYLOCK
Ladies and Gentlemen, Shylock Entertainment in association with Pilgrim
Productions presents the Bottom Brothers in their touching life story!
HE motions to the troupe and stands off to the side.
TROUPE
WHO’S THAT COMING OUT OF CORNWALL
WITH HIS BROTHER
IT’S NICK
(AND NIGEL BOTTOM)
WHO’S THAT STARTING OUT WITH NOTHIN’
BUT EACH OTHER
IT’S NICK
(AND NIGEL BOTTOM)
NIGEL, NICK
YES WE ARE THE BOTTOM BROTHERS
WRITING PLAYS JUST LIKE OUR MOTHER SAID WE OUGHTA DO
WE’VE LEARNED A THING OR TWO
BEA
HE ALMOST GOT US ALL BEHEADED
NICK
(shrugging)
Sorry!
PORTIA
INSTEAD WE JUST GOT BANISHED-ED
YAY!!!
ALL
NICK, NIGEL
WE CAME FROM LONDON ON A BOAT
WE LANDED HERE AND WENT AND WROTE
A PLAY WITH SONGS
NICK & NIGEL, BEA & PORTIA
AND DANCERS GALORE
— 128 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
BEA, PORTIA
IT’S SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE
ALL
SO HERE WE GO, PUTTING ON A SHOW
NICK, NIGEL
AND NOT JUST ANY OLD ORDINARY SHOW
NICK, NIGEL, BEA, PORTIA
A BIG AND BOLD EXTRAORDINARY SHOW
ALL
A MUST SEE MAGICAL NEW ORIGINAL MUSICAL!
A MUSICAL! A MUSICAL
THERE’S NOTHING AS AMAZING AS A MUSICAL
WITH SONG AND DANCE
AND SWEET ROMANCE
AND HAPPY ENDINGS HAPPENING BY HAPPENSTANCE
AND YOU’LL SEE, IT WILL BE
ONLY THE BEGINNING
THIS GLORIOUS CREATION CALLED A MU-U-SICAL
SHYLOCK enters with a newspaper and hands it to Nigel.
SHYLOCK
Have you heard the news? Shakespeare’s new play opened. They say it’s his
masterpiece.
NICK
What’s it called?
NIGEL
(reading paper)
“Hamlet”
Hamlet! I was this close.
NOSTRADAMUS
WELCOME TO AMERICA
ALL
WHERE NOTHING RHYMES WITH AMERICA
BUT WHO’S COMPLAINING
WE’RE LIVING IN THE NEW WORLD
WE’RE LIVING THE DREAM
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
IT’S OUR DEBUT
(ALL)
WELCOME TO AMERICA
WHERE EVERYTHING IS NEW!
WELCOME TO AMERICA
EVERYTHING IS NEW
WELCOME TO AMERICA
NICK
LAND OF OPPORTUNITY!
BLACK OUT.
#21—Bows
#22—Exit Music
— 129 —
— 130 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
APPENDIX: Alter nate Lines
PAGES 10 - 13
In GOD I HATE SHAKESPEARE… we have provided alternate lyrics if you would
prefer they sing “MAN I HATE SHAKESPEARE” instead. Also, instead of the lyric
“THE BASTARD DOESN’T CARE THAT MY POOR ASS IS GETTING NUMB,”
replace with “HE DOESN’T SEEM TO CARE THAT MY POOR BUM IS GETTING
NUMB” When the ensemble joins, instead of singing “THE MAN REALLY KNOWS
HOW TO WRITE A BITCHIN’ PLAY” change to “THE MAN REALLY KNOWS
HOW TO WRITE AN AWESOME PLAY
PAGE 14
NIGEL
Really?? He doesn’t throw his poop into the street?
NICK
No. He pulls a lever and it gets whooshed down a pipe... and then into the street.
And that’s what we need. Something new.
PAGE 42
Bea, this just makes me feel--
NICK
(sniffs)
Is that a bucket of poop? (or crap)
BEA
Bear poop (or crap), to be precise. I’ve been promoted. This morning I didn’t have a
bucket!
(SHE pats his face, HE recoils)
And look! I already made a penny. I’m gonna put it in the money box.
No! I mean... I’ll do it.
NICK
FOREMAN
Yo! Bear poop boy! (Or “Bear crap boy!”)
FOREMAN motions her to follow, then leaves.
BEA
Hear that? I have a job title! And one day it’ll be “bear poop woman!”
(or “Bear crap woman”)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
PAGE 62
NICK
Because you’re a bad actor (Instead of “because you’re a shit actor”).
PAGE 99
Instead of Peter Quince saying “This is really good shit, mate”—he can say “Wow,
you’ve, like really wroted some good writing here, mate.”
PAGE 110
BEA
(nods, thinking)
Uh-huh. Do you know the poem “Love is a shit-load of work?”
(alternates would be “Do you know the poem ‘love is a boat-load of work’—or if
you want to be slightly edgy without cursing, you could say ‘love is a butt-load of
work’)
PAGE 118
And you said I was a bad actor.
PAGE 119
SHAKESPEARE
SHAKESPEARE
Though I can’t believe I
come up with this crap (or dreck or tripe).
PAGE 126
BROTHER JERMIAH
Oh, god damnit! (change to the substitute word of your choice i.e. “oh poop!” or
“Gosh Darn it!” or just “Oh damn!”… it can be ridiculous or it can be the first time
Jeremiah has ever sworn in his life.
Alternate lyric in “BOTTOM’S GONNA BE ON TOP” to replace:
“WE ARE THE ROYALTY OF THE RENAISSANCE WRITERS…”
SEE HOW THE ROYALTY OF THE RENAISSANCE WRITERS
NOW ARE HANDING DOWN THE CROWN TO YOU
YOU WERE A NOBODY BUT THEN OVERNIGHT YOU’RE SOMEONE
BETTER THAN THE REST OF THEM
NOW YOU ARE THE BEST OF THEM
— 131 —
— 132 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
PAGE 89
In Act 2, the scene between Nigel and Portia where reading poetry is almost a sexual
expeience… if you wish to replace that with something with less innuendo, do the
following:
“ODE TO Portia” - by Nigel Bottom.
NIGEL
(overcome by chronic shyness, HE mumbles inaudibly into his lapel)
“Like stars and sun together never seen, yet heaven made us one our flames to
shine...”
PORTIA
Speak up a little...
NIGEL
(barely audible, he can’t make eye contact)
Through night and day, no dusk or dawn between, and none could dim our light nor
love divine..
PORTIA
Let me help you...
She gets up and reads with him. He gets more confident and reads aloud with her.
NIGEL, PORTIA
And to the stars will fly the elusive dove; to heaven's gate with my eternal-love!
(THEIR eyes meet on the last phrase)
PORTIA
It’s beautiful. This is what you should be writing, words that feel true to you.
BROTHER JEREMIAH
If all of the sexual innuendo used by Brother Jeremiah feels inappropriate for
your production, you can contact MTI and ask them for the Something Rotten JR
edition which has a cleaner, more straightforward version of that character.
1.
ACT 1
2.
2A.
3.
3A.
3B.
Musical Numbers
Overture ......................................................................................................135
Welcome to the Renaissance .........JEREMIAH, PORTIA, ENSEMBLE .....135
Welcome to the Renaissance Playoff .................................ENSEMBLE .....145
God, I Hate Shakespeare ..............NICK, NIGEL, MALE ENSEMBLE .....146
God, I Hate Shakespeare (Playoff) .............................................................151
Nick & Bea's Flat .........................................................................................151
4.
Right Hand Man....................................................BEA, NICK, NIGEL .....152
5.
A Musical .................................NICK, NOSTRADAMUS, ENSEMBLE .....158
4A.
5A.
God, I Hate Shakespeare (Reprise) .............................................NICK .....156
A Musical (Tag) .............................................NICK, NOSTRADAMUS .....167
5B.
Brother Jeremiah .........................................................................................167
6.
The Black Death ............................NICK, NIGEL, MALE ENSEMBLE .....168
5C.
6A.
Portia and Nigel Meet .................................................................................167
The Black Death (Incidental) ......................................................................169
7.
I Love the Way............................................................PORTIA, NIGEL .....170
8A.
Will Power (Playoff)....................................................................................181
9A.
Shakespeare (Incidental) .............................................................................182
8.
9.
10.
Will Power ................SHAKESPEARE, NIGEL, PORTIA, ENSEMBLE .....173
Shakespeare’s After Party..................................................ENSEMBLE .....182
Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top ..............NICK, NIGEL, BEA, SHYLOCK
SHAKESPEARE, ENSEMBLE .....183
— 133 —
11.
ACT 2
Entr ’acte.......................................................................................................195
11A. Welcome to the Renaissance (Reprise) ..............................MINSTREL .....195
12.
Hard to Be the Bard ...................SHAKESPEARE, MALE ENSEMBLE .....196
13.
It’s Eggs .......................................................NICK, MALE ENSEMBLE .....204
14.
We See the Light ..............PORTIA, NIGEL, JEREMIAH, ENSEMBLE .....205
12A. Hard to Be the Bard (Playoff) .....................................................................203
13A. Portia Incidental ..........................................................................................204
14A. We See the Light (Playoff) ..........................................................................214
14B. Portia and Nigel Kiss ..................................................................................214
15.
16.
Nigel’s Theme ............................................................................NIGEL .....215
To Thine Own Self Be True.......................NIGEL, MALE ENSEMBLE .....217
16A. To Thine Own Self (Part 2) .........................NICK, MALE ENSEMBLE .....220
16B. To Thine Own Self (Playoff) .......................................................................221
16C. Right Hand Man (Reprise) .............................................................BEA .....222
17.
Something Rotten...........NICK, SHAKESPEARE, MALE ENSEMBLE .....223
18.
Make an Omelette ........................................NICK, NOSTRADAMUS,
17A. Intro to Omelette .........................................................................................223
SHAKESPEARE, ENSEMBLE .....224
18A. After Omelette .............................................................................................234
18B. Into the Courtroom .....................................................................................234
19.
To Thine Own Self (Reprise) ..........................................NICK, NIGEL .....235
20.
Welcome to America ........NICK, NIGEL, BEA, PORTIA, ENSEMBLE .....238
22.
Exit Music ....................................................................................................242
19A. Shakespeare in Court .........................................................ENSEMBLE .....237
21.
Bows .............................................................................................................242
— 134 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 135 —
Overture
1
TACET
Welcome to the Renaissance
Freely, in '1' (h. = 60)
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4 J
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9
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tem.
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26
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4
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dull
and
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tal
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'em.
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#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
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˙
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plague,
24
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8
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that
was
— 136 —
&
29
34
&
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Easy Swing (q = 124)
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30
31
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that was so...
with
33
Char - le - magne.
35
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4 Œ œ œ œœ‰œ
4
!
32
Wel - come to the
36
po - ets,
37
pain - ters, and bon
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vi - vants
and mer - ry
2 MEN:
38
min - strels who
3
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MINSTREL:
40
stroll the streets of Lon - don a - strum - min' their lutes
42
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In
41
puf - fy pants and poin - ty lea - ther boots. Wel - come to the
Ren -
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44
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45
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!
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46
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the great - est
we
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49
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and
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the Ren
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to
47
MINSTREL:
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‰ œj œ œ ‰ œ œ
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Œ
bring it
bring
it
to
to
you
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much a
-
do.
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you
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MINSTREL:
51
ais - sance
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48
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where
ev - 'ry - thing
!
ais - sance
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
is
new.
52
!
!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
53
!
&
54
Ó
— 137 —
Œ ‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ j
œ
SOLO WOMAN:
ALL WOMEN:
55
56
We have the la - test gad - gets and ap - pli - an - ces.
&
57
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ Ó
ALL MEN:
Here we've made ad - van - ces in the
& œ #œ œ œ œ
œ Œ
!
!
sci - en - ces.
!
58
!
59
mugs are made of pew - ter.
&Ó
Œ
‰ Jœ œ # œ œ œ œ œ Œ
Our
61
œ œœœ œœ œ
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
62
See us in our Pet - ti - coats and
65
hou - ses all are Tu - dor.
Œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Dec - o - ra - ted with a mo - dern
!
63
!
60
straight
MINSTREL:
SOLO MAN:
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
Our
64
œ
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flair.
Œ ‰ œj
Ó
far - thing - gales.
We're
j
œ
‰
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MALE ENSEMBLE:
&
!
Ó
& œ #œ œ œ
œœ Œ
Our
66
PORTIA:
PURITAN WOMAN:
!
called E - liz - a - bethans.
tren - dy beards we trim to look like swal - low - tails.
We're
straight
67
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ 3 œœ Œ Œ " 6
4
8
68
Hea - thens head - ed straight for you know
where.
œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
"j
œ œ 3 œ Œ ‰ œ 6
& œ #œ œ œ œ œ ‰ J #œ œ
4
8
BRO JEREMIAH:
MINSTREL:
called E - liz - a - be - thans. They're all a bunch a hea - thens. Hea - thens head - ed straight for you know
69
where.
While
Freely
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j
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6
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‰
‰
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8
70
witch - es are burn - ing, and
wars tend to start,
71
72
We bring you mo - ments of
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
cul - ture and art.
3
4
— 138 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
œ
&3 œ
4
Cul
3 œœ
œœ # # œœ
4 N N ww
ture
-
4 N N ww
4
and
76
4
Cul
-
ture
75
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
Œ
Wel - come
art.
MALE ENSEMBLE:
&
Easy Bounce (q = 120) (ŒÂ = Œ lj)
œ #œ
œ # œ
74
molto ritard.
73
4
and
the
Ren -
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
[add MINSTREL]
Œ
Wel - come
art.
to
Ren -
the
3
j
j
œ
j œj œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ j j
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‰
‰
&
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œ œ
œ œ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ
77
78
79
-
ais - sance.
Well, our
prin - ting press
has the fan
-
cy fonts.
That's
right, we're fan
-
cy
and
-
ais - sance.
Well, our
prin - ting
has the fan
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cy fonts.
That's
right, we're fan
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cy
and
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J
œ
&
J
80
to
& œ œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ
ve - ry
&œ
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& œœ œœ
J
Wel - come
œœœ œœœ
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lit - er - ar - y
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to
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to
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‰
j œ œ ‰ œœ œœ
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Œ
the - a - tri - cal
œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ
ve - ry
83
lit - er - ar - y
81
press
the - at - ri - cal
œœ œœ
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the Ren
84
œœ
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-
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J
J
too.
too.
82
It's
It's
what
what
we
we
j
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˙
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85
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ais - sance
the Ren
-
ais - sance
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œœœ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ
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J
J
Where
ev - 'ry
thing
œ œ Jœ ˙
J
ev - 'ry
thing
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
do.
do.
86
2 ˙
4
is
2 ˙
4
is
4
4
4
4
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
87
&4
!
4
&4 œ
4
new!
&4 œ
4
95
6
Fast Rock, Straight 8's (q = 150)
Œ
Œ
Ó
&
!
&
!
Hey,
!
!
88-93
Œ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
97
98
Œ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿Œ
!
!
!
What's he mak - in?
œ œ œ b œ œ œ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ J¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
100
101
!
Hey,
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ Œ
ALL:
That's new!
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ Œ
ALL:
That's new!
Ó
Œbœ œ
MINSTREL:
102
look, it's Walt - er Ral - eigh, found a new world, by gol - ly.
!
Ó
!
œ
Œ ‰J
MAN 2:
Well, I think he's found a way of freez - ing meat.
WOMAN 1:
And we
Œ ¿ ¿ ¿
WOMAN 2:
And he's
&
‰ ¿
J
Œ
MAN 1:
new!
96
&
Ó
6
& ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿Œ
&
94
6
Ó
look, it's Fran - cis Ba - con with a chick - en,
99
— 139 —
!
¿¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
ALL:
¿¿ ¿ Œ
brought us all to - bac - co, what a treat! Al - so new!
!
ALL:
Œ ¿¿ ¿ Œ
Al - so new!
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
— 140 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
bœ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ bœ ‰
&
J
103
104
have a list of wri - ters who are
!
&
Œ ‰ œj œ ‰ œj œ Œ
!
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
!
MALE ENSEMBLE:
Ó
It's
true!
Ó
SOLO MAN:
108
109
Like who? Like Dek - ker!
!
&¿Œ
who?
110
John Web - ster!
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ Œ
Woo!
Woo!
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ Œ
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ Œ
Woo!
Like
Uh - huh! And Chris - to - pher Mar - lowe!
œ œ œ œ œ
œœ
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ ‰ J
Woo!
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ‰œ œ œ
&Œ œ
J
113
Mid - dle - ton,
And Chris - to - pher Mar - lowe!
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ ‰ œj œ œ œ
œ œœ
Uh - huh! And Chris - to - pher Mar - lowe!
112
Tho - mas Kyd, Tho - mas
We do!
111
Ben John - son!
Œ ‰ ¿j ¿ Œ
MALE ENSEMBLE:
Ó
true!
œ œ œ œ œ
j
j
œœ
Œ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿‰‰ Œ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿Œ Œ‰ J
j
j
& Œ ‰¿ ¿ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿Œ
MINSTREL:
&
We do!
Œ ‰ b Jœ b œ ‰ b œJ œ ‰ ¿j
It's
107
!
106
al - ways wri - ting some - thing new,
!
&
!
105
114
Ó
œ œœ œ œ œ
¿
Œ ‰J
MINSTREL:
115
Tho - mas Moore!
And
our bright - est star, Yo!
& Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ ‰ œj œ œ
!
Ó
Πœ œ œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ œ
&Œ œ
J
!
Ó
ΠTho - mas Kyd,
Tho - mas Kyd,
Tho - mas
Tho - mas
Mid - dle - ton,
Mid - dle - ton,
Tho - mas Moore!
Tho - mas Moore!
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
Yo!
Yo!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
j
j
&œ œ œ œ ‰œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ Œ
117
116
He's
the bomb,
the
118
soul of the age.
the bomb,
the
3
121
& œœ œœ œœ ˙˙ ..
120
cred - i - ble,
3
& œœ œœ œœ ˙˙ ..
soul of the age.
Ó
&
!
126
in -
The wiz of the E - liz - a - beth - an
stage. He's
in -
Un - for - get - ta - ble,
j
Œ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ # œœ ˙˙ ..
Un - for - get - ta - ble,
Œ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ # œœ ˙˙ ..
J
123
He's just so freak - in'
j œ œ3 œ ˙ .
œœ .. œœ œ œ œ ˙ .
# œœœ
124
# œœœ
!
awe - some!
He's just so freak - in'
˙˙˙ ..
.
!
127
128
Shake - speare!
&
j
j
j
œ œ œ ‰ œ œ
stage. He's
122
Ó
119
The wiz of the E - liz - a - beth - an
j œ œ3 œ ˙ .
œ . œœ œ œ œ ˙ .
cred - i - ble,
125
‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ
‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ # œœ œœ œœJ ‰ œ œj
J
J
& œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœJ ‰ Œ
J
[add MINSTREL]
He's
— 141 —
# œœœ
awe - some!
˙˙˙ ..
.
Shake - speare!
˙˙˙ ..
.
# œœœ
!
Shake - speare!
˙˙˙ ..
.
Shake - speare!
Various hooting and hollering
"Look! It's Shakespeare!!" " Oh wow!!!" "Shakespeare, I'm the one you want. It's meeee!!!" etc...
& ’ ’
’’ ’ ’ ’ ’
& ’ ’
’’ ’ ’ ’ ’
129
133
&
&
130
Bright 4 (q = 142)
!
134
!
*m. 135 - m. 145 pronounced "We love 'em"
Œ
131
’ ’ ’ ’
’ ’ ’ ’
P
‰ œj œ œ ‰
‰
œœ œœ ‰
‰
135
We
P
‰ # œœ
J
We
love him!
love him!
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
132
’’ ’ ’
’’ ’ ’
j
œ œ œ ‰
‰
œœ # œœ œœ ‰
J
‰
We
We
love him!
love him!
j
œ
We
œœ
J
We
— 142 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
j
j
j
j
j
‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
‰
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ ‰ ‰ # œj
&œ œ
œ œ œ
œ
137
136
love him!
We love him!
We
138
love him!
We love him!
We
love him!
We love him!
His
œ œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ ‰ ‰ j
& œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ ‰ ‰ a œJ
J
J
#œ
J
J
love him!
We love him!
We
& #œ œ œ œ #œ œ
3
3
139
plays
are
bril - liant
so
his
3
& #œ œ œ œ #œ œ
3
plays
are
& Ó
so
bril - liant
his
love him!
140
We love him!
wri - ting's
first
rate.
is - n't
wri - ting's
first
rate.
His
We love him!
& œ œ ‰ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œj
œ˙˙ .œ ‰ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œœj
& .
‰ J
love him!
We
Œ
We
love him!
We
We
146
3
rall.
œœ ˙˙ ..
love
love him!
# œœ
love
him!
in - cred - i - ble
We
love him!
We
he
great?
We
œœ n b œœ
j
˙˙ ‰ ‰ œ
3
-
n't
Easy Bounce (q = 120) (ŒÂ = Œ lj)
147
Œ
him!
œœ ˙˙ ..
act - ing's
œ œ ‰ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œj
144
Is
love him!
in - cred - i - ble
3
he great?
We
3
# œ œ œ # œj ‰ ‰ œj # œ œ œ œ # œ œ
145
love him!
act - ing's
His
3
˙.
3
His
#œ œ œ j ‰ ‰ j #œ œ œ œ #œ œ
#œ
œ
love him!
& #œ œ nœ ˙
We love him!
3
141
143
We
love him!
3
Œ ‰ j œ œ‰ ‰ j œ œ‰ ‰ j
œ
œ
œ
142
We
Œ
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
Wel - come
to
the
Ren -
Wel - come
to
the
Ren -
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 143 —
j œj œ
j
œ œ œ œ ‰‰œ œ œ œ
œ œ œœ œœ œ j ‰ ‰ 3
j j
‰
œ œœ œœ
&
œ œ œ œ œ œœœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
149
148
150
151
-
ais - sance,
Not the
one in
I
-
ta - ly or
in France,
No the
one in
Eng
-
ais - sance,
Not the
one in
I
-
ta - ly or
in France,
No the
one in
Eng
-
land, The
œ œ œ œj ‰ ‰ œ3 œ œ œ Jœ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œj ‰ ‰ œ3 œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
J
œ œ
&
J J
& œ œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ Ó
153
152
land, The
Œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ ‰ œœœ
!
154
-
155
one where Wil - liam Shake - speare is cream of the crop.
Wel - come to the Ren -
œœœ œœ œœ œœ œœœ
œ œ b œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œj œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ‰
œ
œ
œ
œ
&
œ
#œ œ œ
MINSTREL:
one where Wil - liam Shake - speare is cream of the crop. The one where Wil - liam Shake-speare is the top! Wel - come to the Ren -
156
&Ó
œ adœlib. œ
MINSTREL:
157
˙
œ œœœ œ
158
3
Ren - ais - sance
œ œJ œ œJ
‰J
Ex - per - i - ahnce,
œ ‰ œ œ œJ œ .
159
Yeah!
3
j
j
j
œœ œœ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œ j ‰ ‰ 3
j
œ œœ œœ œ œ œj
& œ œ œœ œœ
œœ œ œ œ œœœ
œ
œ œ‰ œ
œ
-
ais - sance,
To a
six - teenth cen
-
'try ex - per
-
i - ahnce,
In the
age that's gol
-
den The
-
ais - sance,
To a
six - teenth cen
-
'try ex - per
-
i - ahnce,
In the
age that's gol
-
den The
3
œœœ œœ
œœ œœ œ œ œj œ3 œ œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ‰ œ
œ
œ
œ
œœ œ ‰‰
œ
œ
œ
J
J
J
& œ œ œ ‰
J
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
— 144 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
[MINSTEL joins
chorus (melody)]
& œ œ œ b œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œj œœJ œœ œœJ œœ Œ
161
160
162
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
J
J
ol - den days are o - ver,
we
bid them a - do.
Well,
Hal - le - luh!
Wel - come
to
the Ren -
ol - den days are o - ver,
we
bid them a - do.
Well,
Hal - le - luh!
Wel - come
to
the Ren -
œœ œœ
& œ œ œ b œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œj œJ œ
œ
& œœ
164
-
œœœ
&
-
œœ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ
œ œœ œœ
œ
ais - sance,
165
Where
˙˙
ev
œœœ œ œ
œ œ ‰ ‰ œ
˙˙
ais - sance,
ev
Where
˙˙
-
&œ Œ Ó
169
Œ
new!
&œ Œ Ó
Œ
new!
&œ œ
Ó
œ
Ren - ais - sance,
œœ œ
& œ œœ Ó
Ren - ais - sance,
-
'ry
-
'ry - thing is
www
-
thing
is
new,
174
Ev
-
'ry - thing is
˙˙
is
171
˙˙
Œ
Œ
new,
j
œ
Œ ‰ œ œœ b œœ œœ œœ œœ Œ Ó
173
j
‰ œœ œœ b œœ œœ œœ
-
'ry - thing is
Wel
-
come to
the
Wel
-
come to
the
œ œ
œ
‰ œJ œ œœ œ œœ
175
!
new!
MINSTREL:
3
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
j
Œ ‰J
Œ Œ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Ev
ww
ww
170
'ry - thing is
167
thing
œ œ
œ
˙
‰ œJ œ œœ œ œœ ˙
Ev
www
˙˙
-
œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
J
J
-
j
‰ œœ œœ b œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
Ev
œœ œœ
œ œ Œ
J
166
'ry
168 Fast Rock, Straight 8's (q = 150)
172
163
new!
¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
'Cause Ren - ais - sance means re - birth!
#2—Welcome to the Renaissance
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 145 —
Welcome to the Renaissance (Playoff) 2A
Bright 4 (q = 138)
1
&4
4
!
2
Ó
Œ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œj œ œ ‰ ‰ œj
We
&4
!
4
5
3
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
4
love him!
love him!
We love him!
We
Œ ‰ # œœ œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ ‰ ‰ a Jœœ
J
J
J
J
Ó
love him!
j
j
& œ œ‰ ‰ œ œ œ‰ ‰ œ
We
love him!
We
œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ
&
J
J
love him!
We
MALE ENSEMBLE:
We
love him!
We love him!
We
love him!
We
6
We love him!
We
love him!
We love him!
Freely, colla voce (q = 112)
œœ ˙˙ ..
love
7
him
œœ ˙˙ ..
love
We
!
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
MINSTREL:
Œ
him
Wel - come to
the
Ren -
8
œ œ œ Œ ‰ œ3 œ œ œ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œœ‰ œ
&
J
œ œ ‰ Jœ J œ J
9
ais - sance,
12
Where not
10
ev - 'ry - one's get - ting what
11
he wants,
it's
so frus - tra - ting. 'Cause
j
œ
œ
œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
‰Œ Ó
&œ
13
if you're name is Shake - speare, you're hot - ter than hot. But if you're
14
15
a - ny o - ther wri - ter then you're
#2A—Welcome to the Renaissance (Playoff)
not.
— 146 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
3
God, I Hate Shakespeare
NICK: Comedies?!? Name one thing of his that's funny.
Give me a line, anything...
NIGEL: "On my word, we'll not carry coals for
then we should be colliers!" (TROUPE laughs)
NICK: That's not
1
&
&
5
#### 4
4
#### 4
&
####
&
####
Brisk Rock (q = 150)
2
NICK:
¿ ¿Œ
fun - ny!
Œ ~~ œ # œ œ œ
¥ ~~~~
Argh...
God, I hate Shakes - peare!
!
4
œ
!
TROUPE:
3
j
‰ œ œ #œ œ œ ‰ nœ œ œ œ œ
J
4
That's right, I said it.
¿
<GASP>
Œ
I
!
ΠNIGEL:
No!
6
I
¿
just don't get
Œ
it, how
a
7
me - di - o - cre ac - tor from a
Ó
mea - sly lit - tle town
!
15
&
#### œ œ œ œ œ
&
####
&
####
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œJ ‰ œ œ # œ œ œ œ
9
10
11
sud-den - ly the bright-est jewel in Eng - land's Roy - al Crown. Oh,God, I hate Shake-speare!
œ œ œ
no, the great
œ
œ
13
Shake - speare!
j
‰œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ
His plays are word - y but oh
‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
14
That lit - tle turd, he has no sense a - bout the au - di - ence, he
j œ
n
œ
œ
‰
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
œ
16
makes them feel so dumb.
is
!
Why?
12
do, I hate Shakes - peare!
‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ n œ ‰ œ
J
ROBIN:
8
œ
The
bas - tard does - n't care that my poor
#3—God, I Hate Shakespeare
17
œ œ œ œ œ Œ
ass is get - ting numb.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
18
&
####
!
19
Œ ‰ œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ aœ œ œ œ nœ Œ
J
NICK:
Ó
20
21
It's
# # # # n n œœ œœ œœ œœ œ ‰ œœ œœ n œœa œœ œj‰
œ
nœ
&
J
TROUPE:
22
&
####
&
####
ea - sy, I can say it 'cause it's
ab-so - lute - ly true.
!
!
!
!
[NIGEL SINGS]
How can you say that?
How can you say that?
œ œ œ œ œj ‰ n œ œ œ œ j‰
aœ
How can you say that?
!
How can you
23
Œ ‰ œ n œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ 3 œ œ œJ
4 -
NIGEL:
Ó
24
36
Don't be a pe - nis, the
&
&
#### ˙
œ
œ
brill - iant,
soars
œ
what
maj
œ œ œ
-
e - sty
œ
32
like a
#### œ œ œ
&
light - ning doth
sweet
37
vi
œ
-
o
œ
œ
œ
flows
from
his
œ
Œ œ
28
33
-
lin.
strike
38
him,
and he
pen.
34
God's
œ Uœ œ œ œ œ œ
cap - tures my
œ Œ œ
29
39
œ
own
˙.
soul!
#3—God, I Hate Shakespeare
30
His
a tempo
œ.
in
!
œ œ œ
po - e - try
œ œ
J
35
-
!
3
4
!
gen - ius.
œ œ
J
poco rit.
3
4
gen - ius.
man is a
œ.
27
you! But he's
!
œ œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ j‰
aœ
####
26
31
####
man is a
25
gen - ius is he's fool - ing all of
His
Don't be a pe - nis, the
Waltz in '1' (h. = 56)
say that?
# # n n œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œ œœ œœ n œœ a œœ œj ‰
œ œ
nœ
& # #
&
— 147 —
œ
spi - ra - tion,
œ
like
NICK: Jesus, you sound just like him!
NIGEL: Really? Thanks!
˙.
40
41
!
4
4
— 148 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Tempo Primo
#### 4 œ
TROUPE:
NICK:
42
&
&
46
49
4
#### 4
#œ œ œ œ ¿ Œ
&
&
####
&
####
&
#### œ
‰ ¿j ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ œ
NICK:
!
44
45
You should hate Shake-speare! <GASP>
œ
Well, there's your pro- blem, you're so
Œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
!
4
####
Ó
43
!
NIGEL:
Well, I don't. I try to em - u - late Shake-speare.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
blind - ed
by
the Bard who's such
47
œ œ œ œ nœ Œ
pom - pous lit - tle man.
a
!
!
‰ œj œ œ œ
Ó
56
'Cause he's
a
hack
œ œ œ
with a
œ œ œ œJ ‰ Œ
mit that I'm
a
!
48
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Why is
it
a prob - lem to
ad -
‰ ¿j ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
57
knack
for
steal - ing
an - y - thing he
!
can!
!
fan?
# # # # n n œœ œœ œœ œœ œ ‰ œœ œœ n œœa œœ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ n œœ # N œœ œœ n œœ œœ œœ
œ
Œ
nœ œ n œ œ œ œ œ
&
J
58
TROUPE:
59
&
####
How can you say that?
60
that? The
man real - ly knows how to
œ œ œ œ œj ‰ n œ œ œ œ
aœ œ
œ œ œ nœ œ nœ
How can you say that?
How can you
How can you
say
61
say that? The
man real - ly knows how to
#3—God, I Hate Shakespeare
write a bitch - in' play.
œ œ œ nœ œ Œ
write a bitch - in' play.
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
62
####
&
!
NICK:
!
63
p
64
# # # # n œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ n œœ ‰ œ œ œ œ a œ ‰ œ ‰
&
J
subito
(Whispered)
You wish you could pen one,
— 149 —
We wish we were in
nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ w
65
I just wish that he would go a - way!
71
75
&
&
####
&
####
83
87
œ#œ œ œ
œ
72
hate a - bout Shake - speare...
&
&
####
&
####
2 ..
4
69
66-68
####
79
3
We wish we were in
NIGEL: Well, that's not gonna happen because everyone I know
says he's the greatest writer England's ever known!
####
66
!
!
!
one!
#### nœ œ œ œ œ j‰ œ œ œ œ aœ ‰ œ ‰
œ
&
You wish you could pen one.
!
one!
.. 4 ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
NICK:
2X
!
70
4
And that's
‰ ¿j ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
73
a - noth - er
¿
74
is all the twits who blo - vi - ate a - bout Shakes - peare,
thing
I
‰ ¿j ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
and how they prat - tle on a -
jœ œ œ œ œ
‰
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ# œ ¿ ¿
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿¿
76
77
78
bout hisgreataccomplishments,well,
la - di - da - di - da! And oncetheystarttheirgushing,there'sno
stoppingthemandthen
it's"blahblah
¿ ¿ ¿
j
j
¿ ¿ ‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ . ¿ ¿ . ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
80
blah blah blah," Shakes - peare
81
82
And he walks in, it's "dum - da - dum Ta da!" Shakes-peare!
He's hold - ing court and they say,
j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
84
85
86
"Will, you're such a gen-ius, and your writ - ing is di - vine." "A rose by a - ny oth - er name is such a clev-er line!" And they're all
j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ‰¿ ¿ ¿
88
89
"Ooh!", and he's all "Stop!", and they're all "Yay!" and I'm all "Ugh!" And I'm real - ly get - ting sick of it!
#3—God, I Hate Shakespeare
90
And Oh!, Oh!,
— 150 —
&
####
&
####
&
####
&
####
91
95
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
¿ ¿¿ ¿
¿
Oh!, I hate Shakes - peare!
!
92
!
œœ
‰ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ
J
œ
I think by now we sor - ta
!
Œ ¿ ¿ ‰ j
œ
Shmake - peare! The
œ œ ‹ œ œ œ œ aœ
œ œ
‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ # œœ œ œ
!
know you hate Shakes - peare.
œ œ œ œ
I think by now we sor - ta
!
know you hate Shakes - peare.
nn#
j
n
‰
‰
j
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
nœ œ œ œ
nœ nœ
96
97
98
way he feigns hu - mil - i - ty when all he does is gloat, the way he wears that sil - ly, fril - ly col - lar 'round his throat, the
#
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œ œ
100
post - er child for why no - one should
# œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
&
Ev - 'ry
lit - tle
# w
thing
œ œ
a - bout
104
102
˙.
œ
105
107
108
hate!
œ œ.
J
œ
Œ
Shake - speare
w
NICK:
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ œœ œ œ Œ
101
ev - er pro - cre - ate, let me make a short - er list and I will give it to you straight!
103
&
94
TROUPE:
99
106
NICK:
!
93
is
!
109
!
what
I
NIGEL:
110
Œ ¿ ¿ Œ
Don't hate.
TROUPE:
# œœ ‰ ‰ œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ Œ œœ ‰ Œ ww
&
J
J
!
œ ‰ ‰ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ Œ œj ‰ Œ w
J
!
Hates,
&
#
Hates,
he hates,
he hates,
he clear - ly, sure - ly, real - ly, tru - ly
hates
he clear - ly, sure - ly, real - ly, tru - ly hates
Shake
Shake
-
-
#3—God, I Hate Shakespeare
speare!
speare!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 151 —
God, I Hate Shakespeare (Playoff)
3A
TACET
Nick and Bea's Flat
TACET
#3A—God, I Hate Shakespeare (Playoff)
3B
— 152 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
4
Right Hand Man
BEA: So there is no idea...
NICK: Well, we've had the idea that
we need an idea.
BEA: Then let me help you! I'll go out and earn
some money and that'll take the pressure off you guys.
NICK: Bea, listen... [GO m. 1]
Driving, but not too fast! (q = 150)
3
b
& b bbb 4
BEA: No, you listen. Cause I just want to make things better and I need to know that you understand...
4
5
If you
6
7
10
b
& b b b b Œ ! œ œ œ b œ œ œ œ . œj Ó
14
Think of me as your side
20
8
Ó
Œ œ œ
If there's
j
œ
œ
œœœ œ ˙ .
j
œ œ
a - ny - thing you lack you know I've al - ways got your back that's what it's all a - bout
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
13
17
Œ œœ
1-3
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
j j
œ œ œ œ ˙
e - ver got in trou - ble I would be there on the dou - ble, just to bail you out
9
BEA:
Ó
4
-
kick,
15
12
11
œ œ œ œ œ œœœ ˙
16
Help - ing you when - e - ver I can
Œ
Œ ‰ j
œ
I'm
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œœœ
œ œ œ œ œ
more than just a wo - man, ba - by, When the pres - sure's co - min', ba - by, Let me be your right hand man.
18
&
bbbb
19
NICK: But you're not a man... I'm the man.
b œ
Œ
Ó
3
4
21
"
BEA: Uggggh! He's not hearing me.
4
4
22
"
#4—Right Hand Man
23
Ó
Œ
œ œ
If you're
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 153 —
24
bb
&b b b œ œ œœ œ œ œ
j j
œ œ œ ˙
e - ver in a pic - kle, you can call for me and quick - 'll be how fast I run
28
32
œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ
25
29
Ó
Œ œ œ
You and
30
33
34
-
ground
just
Œ
31
b
j
j
& b bbb !œ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ . œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
35
smi - ling ev - 'ry now and a - gain
Œ ‰ j
œ
But
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
37
just to be a pret - ty
bbbb
la - dy
38
that would be a
NIGEL: You should probably listen. She's usually right.
39
27
j
bb
b
œ
b
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œœœ œ ˙.
& b
œ
œ œœ œ œ œœ œ œ œ
j
œ œ
me should be a team for an - y dream or an - y scheme that's how it should be done
Sure, I could stay in the back
36
26
&
43
3
4
b œ Œ Ó
40
"
pi - ty ba - by
NICK: Eat your cabbage.
4
4
41
"
Let me be your right hand
42
‰
BEA:
man
j
œ œ œ œ œ
œ
I
am strong - er
than you
b
j
j j
j
‰ œj œj
& b b b b œj j
œ j
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
44
45
think, Don't be think-in' I ain't tough I am where you ough - ta
47
&
bbbb
b œnœ œ œ œ Œ
œ
bb
&b b b Ó
b
& b bbb
46
go when the go- in's get-tin' rough So
49
are go - ing bad - ly
Œ
50
But if they weren't
Œ
NICK:
œ œ œ
‰
But they're not
"
‰ œ œ œ œj ‰ ‰ ‰ Œ ¿ Œ ¿
BEA:
"
48
when things
j‰ Œ
œ
œ œ œ
No, things are fine
j‰ Œ
œ
œ œœ
NIGEL:
‰
‰
They kind of are
#4—Right Hand Man
œ œœ
Luv
¿ Œ
Œ
œ
But it's o - kay
"
Mmm
What?
"
— 154 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
2
BEA: Quit trying to protect me!
51
bb ¿
&b b b
Œ
NICK: Can we change the subject please?
Ó
52-53
What!!
55
&
&
##
##
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ nœ #œ œ
Not un - til
œ œ œœœ œ œ
I know that if you're
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œj œ œj œ
56
e - ver in a fix, and it's a
57
Œ
58
fix you need to nix then I'm your "go - to - guy"
"
"
#
nnnnn #
BEA:
54
Ó
‰
œ œœ
œœœ œ
Don't be so lit - er - al.
‰œ œ œ œ
Œ Ó
NICK:
You're not a guy
59
63
68
72
&
## ‰
j
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œœœ œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œœ
j
œ œ
And don't for - get I'm not a shrink - ing vi - o - let, a so - lid rock am
I.
&
##
&
## 2
69
&
## ˙
73
60
61
‰b œ œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ . œj œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b w
64
So don't be think - ing I'll crum
3
65
-
ble
Œ
˙.
poco rit.
˙.
67
66
When the you know what hits the
62
fan
Π2
4
Freely
Œ œ œ 4 œ œ œ œœ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
˙
œ
œ
œ
4
4
œ œœ
There's no
prob - lem that's too big, When you're mar - ried that's the gig, so don't be a sex - ist pig
70
A Tempo
Œ œœ œ œ œ
Is it
œ
œ œ œ
œ œ œ œŒ
œ œ ‰
74
as - king too much of you
it's
on - ly 'cause I love you
#4—Right Hand Man
71
75
œ
œ œ œ
˙
Let me be your right
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 155 —
NICK: What are you doing now?
BEA: I'm gonna get you boys
some MEAT!
76
&
˙
&
&
## 4
88
&
bœ ˙
œ œ nœ œ
‰ œ œ
77
In fact I'll
## 3
80
84
##
##
w
man
82
œ
85
j‰
œ
œ
œ œ
82A
œ
Ba - by I'm your right Don't put up a fight
w
˙.
..
Œ
79
.. 3
VAMP
"
4
I'm right
j‰
œ
œ
œœ
81
4 œ
4
j‰
œ
œ
œœ
show you that
78
œ
j‰ 2
œ
œ
4
œ œ
I can be your right Start - ing here to - night
w
86
right
w
87
83
œ
4
œ
4
œœ
Let me be your
w
hand
89
w
90
w
91
œ œ œ
œ
œ J œ.
Let me be your right hand
#4—Right Hand Man
92
˙.
man
Œ
93
"
— 156 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
God, I Hate Shakespeare (Reprise)
4A
4
####
Slow, Delicate (q = 100)
&4
4
&
####
&
####
&
####
5
1-4
Freely
NICK:
œ #œ œ
œ
God I hate
guess I
hate the fact that
hate the way
#### ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
&
&
but when I
sit and real - ly
con - tem - plate
he is ev - 'ry - thing I
a tempo
he makes me
U
feel a - bout
œœœœ œ
œ œ œ œ œ!
19
œœœ
16
In fact I'd give my left
ti-ny lit-tle smid-gen of his not - o - ri - e - ty
20
œ œ œ
U
13
Œ.
I
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
J
me.
It would - n't
¿
17
nad to be Shake - speare.
œ œ œ œ œ
j
œ
NICK: 'Cause the truth is...
œ œ œ Œ œ
bad to be Shake - speare.
15
Shakes - peare,
e - ver dreamed that I could be,
‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
J
18
¿
12
œ
œ œ œ nœ .
10
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
11
œ
7
9
most - ly
####
Shake - peare,
‰ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ Nœ œ œ
J
‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
8
I
14
œ
6
‰œœ œ œ œ œ œ
If I could on - ly have one
21
œ œœ
be that
nnnnb
j
‰
œ œ œœœ œ
It could re - lieve me from the pres-sures of re - spon - si - bi - li - ty. I've
NICK: What the future holds!
[GO m. 28]
U b b
j
& b œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ b b b b
rall.
22
23
24
25
got to make it hap-pen,got -ta find that pot of gold if there was just some way to know just what the fu - ture holds
#4A—God, I Hate Shakespeare (Reprise)
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
2
28 Triumphant Idea Music (q = 112)
bb
& b b bb
32
&
&
28-29
In '3' (q = 66)
bb 3
bb
&b
2
30
b
nnnnb
ASTROLOGER: Tarot cards! Palm readings! Amputees get half price!
4
— 157 —
30-31
6
GYPSY WOMAN: Lucky heather sir?
NICK: Thanks, but... I need more than luck.
32-37
4
NICK: Psst. Hey. I'm looking for a soothsayer.
3
EYEPATCH MAN: Norbert the Knowing. Supposed to be the best.
42
38-41
b
3
4
42-44
3
NICK: "Out of business due to unforeseen circumstances."
So obviously not the very best. [GO m. 48]
48
Brisk! (q = 148)
45-47
#4A—God, I Hate Shakespeare (Reprise)
"
— 158 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
5
A Musical
NICK: An acxtor is saying his lines and then,
out of nowhere, he just starts singing??
NOSTRADAMUS: Yes!
NICK:
1
4
7
b
j
&b 4 Œ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
&
bb
4
3
œ œ # œ œ œ œ œj œ œ œ
J
3
stup - id - est thing
that I
œ Œ Œ Œ œ
J
3
3
have ev - er heard.
You're
poco rit.
3
3
3
3
3
j ‰
j
j
j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ
3
3
3
3
3
5
3
do - ing a play, got some - thing to say, so you sing it?
3
U̇
b
b
œ
œ
œ
œ
&
œ
aud - i - ence
3
Œ œj 4 œ œ œ œ
2Œ
4
3
9
What
‰œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
think,
Bright 4 (q = 126)
6
It's ab - surd! Who on earth is go - ing to sit therewhile an
8
breaks in - to song?
b œ œ3 œ œ
b
&
14
3
3
2
Well, that is the
act - or
10
Bright 4 (colla voce)
oth - er
11
3
3
than this
is
hor - ri
bly
4
poss - i - ble
thought
‰ œ œ
3
can the
NOSTRADAMUS: Remarkably,
they won't think that. [CLEAR]
NICK: Seriously? And why not?
NOSTRADAMUS: Because.
NOSTRADAMUS:
12
Œ
U̇
.
13
U
U U
¿ #œ
Ó
wrong?
It's
a
b
& b œ œ œ œ ‰ œJ œ œ œ œ ‰ Jœ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b œ œ œ ‰ # œJ
mus - i - cal,
18
a
16
mus - i - cal,
and
17
no - thing's as a - maz - ing as a
mus - i - cal!
With
b
& b œ œ œ œ ‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ ‰ œJ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b œ œ ˙
19
song and dance
22
15
20
and sweet ro - mance
21
and hap - py end - ings hap - pen - ing by
hap - pen - stance.
b
œ œ œ œ# œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
& b œ. œ Œ œ. œ Œ
23
24
25
Bright lights, stage fights, and a daz - zl -ing chor-us. You wan-na be great, then you got - ta cre-ate a mu - si - cal!
#5—A Musical
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 159 —
Slightly Relaxed (q = 120)
NICK: I don't know, I find it hard to believe
people would actually pay to see something like this.
26
&
29
b b .. ‰
VAMP
NOSTRADAMUS:
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ .. œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ# œ œ œ œ œ
3
3
3
3
Let's just say it's a Sat- ur-day night, and you
b
œ Œ ‰
&b œœ œ œ œ œ
3
3
&
28
3
30
bb œ
play
3
œ œ
J
wan - na' go out on the town.
31
3
œ n œ œ œ ‰ ¿3
¿
J
3
from Greek
3
3
3
You could go see a tra - ge - dy,
myth - ol - og - y,
see
Grandly (q = 82)
a
33
40
bb
Lightly (q = 96)
3
3
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
all that trau - ma and pa - in,
and
U
rit.
colla voce
re - lax - ing
36
38
less
A Tempo (q = 132)
œ œ œ #œ ˙
tax - ing
on
Ew!
Œ ‰ œj œ ‰ œ ‰
or go
39
Or a
¿
moth - er have sex with her son,
3
with
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ
some - thing more
3
but that would - n't be ver - y fun.
35
3
&
3
œ3 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ 3 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ 3
ŒJ
œœ
You could go see a dra - ma,
37
3
Got a lad - y to flat-ter who might give it
U
3
3
3
œ
œ
œ
œ
b
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
#œ
J
J
& b ‰ œ œ œ nœ œ
œ
34
3
(vocals last X)
up if you don't let her down.
32
3
3
27
see
Œ ¿ ¿ #œ
(out of time)
the brain
Go
see
a
b
& b œ œ œ œ ‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ ‰ œJ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b œ œ œ ‰ n œJ
41
mus - i - cal,
44
a
42
mus - i - cal,
a
43
puf - fy piece re - leas - ing all your blues - i - cals.
Where
b
& b œ œ œ œ ‰ œJ œ œ œ œ ‰ Jœ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b œ œ ˙
45
croon - ers croon
&
bb Ó
46
a catch - y - tune,
ALL MEN:
‰ œœ ˙
œ
and
47
lim - ber leg - gy lad - ies thrill ya
Ó
Ah
#5—A Musical
!
till
ya swoon.
!
— 160 —
48
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
b
œ
& b œ . œ Œ œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ Jœ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ œ b œ œ œ œ Œ
49
Oohs, ahhs, big app - lause,
&
bb
50
and a stan - ding o - va - tion, the
!
fut - ure is bright if you can just write a mu - si - cal.
Œ ‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ œ b œ œ œ œ Œ
+ ALL ENSEMBLE:
Ó
fut - ure is bright if you can just write a mu - si - cal.
the
b
& b œ . œ œ œ œJ œ .
NOSTRADAMUS:
52
53
Some make you hap - py
51
54
œ. œ œ œ ˙
some make you sad
œ œ
œ. œ œ œ œ
3
some are
55
quite big, some quite
˙.
small
NICK: No talking
at all?
ritard.
56
b
.
œ nœ Œ œ . œ œœ œ . œ œnœ nœ œ ˙
& b n œ .# œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
57
Some are
b
&b
58
too long, some are just plays with song
!
Ó
&
bb Œ
&
bb Œ
&
bb
Some mus - i - cals have
Œ nœ
ENSEMBLE:
3
67
U
!
!
That's right,
there's no talk - ing,
œ œ
‰ J
Yes, real
-
œ
Œ
‰
ly,
3
63
all of the di - a - logue is sung,
NICK: There's no tal–
65
3
3
62
NICK: Um...really?
64
!
3
œ œ œ œ œ
b
œ
œ
N
œ
œ
œ
œ
n
œ
‰
J œ
œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ
3
NOSTRADAMUS:
61
U
60
no talk - ing at all.
!
Ah!
Slower/Very freely
3
59
Œ
œ3 œ œ
there's no talk
-
in a
œ
66
ing,
ve - ry dra - mat - ic fash - ion.
Œ
œ
Œ
‰ œ œ
3
and they
j
œ œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ nœ ˙ Œ
3
oft - en stay on one note for a
3
68
3
ver - y long time
69
70
so that when they change to a diff - 'rent note,you
no - tice.
71
b " œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ UŒ œ œ œ
b
&
J
72
3
3
3
And it's sup - posed to cre - ate a dra - ma - tic ef - fect
73
3
3
3
3
3
but most - ly you just sit there ask - ing your - self, "Why aren't they
#5—A Musical
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
U
NICK: Sounds miserable.
74
b œ #œ Ó
&b
75
Œ
‰ œ œ œ œ œ
3
talk - ing?"
I
NOSTRADAMUS: No! They love it!
And what's not to
77
3
be - lieve
it's
— 161 —
NICK: And people actually
like this? [CLEAR]
œ œ nœ
3
œ
œ
76
U
2
4
Ó
pro - nounced "Mis - er - ahhhh - bluh."
Brightly (q = 128)
NOSTRADAMUS: Whoa, wait!
Another vision.
I haven't even told
80
you the best part. 3X
b
¿ nœ
n œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ 2 n œ b œ œ n n 4 .. œ Œ Ó
&b 2 ‰ J 4
78
4
81
love?
It's
4
79
such a de - light there's no - thing quite like a
4
j
j
& œ. œ ‰ œ œ œ. œ œ œ. œ ‰ œ œ œ. œ œ
82
Feel
that
fasc
-
i - nat - ing
rhy - thm
move
in - to
3
mus - si
83
your
-
œ Œ Ó
4
NICK: Um...what is that?
..
cal
!
84
feet!
j
j
& œ. œ ‰ œ œ œ. œ œ œ. œ ‰ œ œ œ. œ œ œ Œ Ó
NICK: Whoa... are you okay?
85
86
Feel
89
your
ass
gy - rat - ing
87
to
that
ti
-
jj
jj
¿
¿
¿
¿ œ
œ
œ
œ
.
œ
b
œ
‰
& œ. œ œ œ ‰
J
J
(Finger Snaps)
(Slaps)
slap your
93
ti - lat - ing
90
lap,
then
fin ger
snap,
91
88
Ó
beat.
Œ ‰ œJ
You
bbbbb
œ . œ ‰ Nœ œ œ . bœ œ œ Œ Ó
J
92
that's when you
know
it's time to
tap
Slightly Relaxed (q = 120)
"STOP TIME"
b
& b bbb ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
(Tap)
NOSTRADAMUS: It’s called a “dance break.” Apparently, this happens in a musical as well. People on stage...
94
¿¿¿¿¿ ¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿
bb
&b b b ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
95
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
96
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
just bursting into spontaneous dance! NICK: Why? Does it advance the plot? NOSTRADAMUS: No. NICK: Develop character?
97
bb
&b b b ¿
100
98
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
NOSTRADAMUS: Nope. NICK: Then why do it?
¿
¿
¿
101
99
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
NOSTRADAMUS: Because
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
102
‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
It's
#5—A Musical
en - ter - tain
¿
-
ing!
— 162 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
bb ¿
&b b b
¿
¿ ¿. ¿
Six!
Se - ven!
NOSTRADAMUS:
103
Five!
108
&
132
&
141
&
104-105
2
106-107
108-115
8
b
&b
&
nnn b
b
106
8
bb
116
124
2
# #
nnnnn #
104
Eight!
Epic Dance Break Tempo (q = 132)
Relaxed (q = 128)
3
bb
116-123
127
124-126
3
NOSTRADAMUS:
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
131
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
128-130
Grab a seat and just re - lax
Mu - si - cals have just two acts
6
bb
132-137
NOSTRADAMUS: Another vision!
bb Ó
138-140
Œ ‰¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿
NOSTRADAMUS:
It's a
143
142
3
b
& b ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿J ‰ Ó
146
mu - si - cal, with girls on stage!
Œ
ENSEMBLE:
Œ
mu - si - cal, a Seus - si - cal? No, a
Œ œ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
145
b
&b Ó
3
mu - si - cal! What - ta - ya talk, what - ta - ya talk, it's a
144
b
&b Ó
3
147
We've got snap - py re - par - tee And the
wo - man are ris - que And the
‰ n Jœ n œ œ œ œ Œ
!
!
‰ n Jœ n œ œ œ œ Œ
!
!
A
A
mu - si - cal
mu - si - cal
#5—A Musical
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
&
&
bb Ó
cho - rus boys are kin - da gay
Œ
&
### w
&
# # # ww
&
# # # ww
154
bb
b
&b
3
3
158-160
new
mu - si
#
#œ œ #œ nn##
Ó
3
mu - si - cal
mu - si
#œ œ #œ nn###
Ó
3
mu - si - cal
155
!
mu - si
nnnbb
!
œ. œ œ
NOSTRADAMUS:
156
Stand back!
Œ
œ bœ œ œ œ œ
157
It's a mu
-
si - cal
Œ Ó
ww
!
nnn b
b
!
!
!
ww
!
nnnbb
!
!
!
cal!
b
&b
blue
!
cal!
3
true
‰ n Jœ n œ œ œ œ Œ
cal!
158
&
w
A
151
!
A
153
150
‰ n Jœ n œ œ œ œ Œ
A
Œ
3
NOSTRADAMUS:
149
b
&b Ó
152
3
3
3
j
œ
#œ nn###
#
œ
Œ ‰ œ #œ nœ #œ œ œ œ nœ #œ œ
nœ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ Ó
œ
bb
148
— 163 —
161
162
Œ œ bœ bœ œ bœ bbbbbb œ œ œ œ Œ
3
3
A
big glit - ter - ing
!
!
mu - si - cal!
163
œ œ
œ œ Œ
Mu - si - cal!
œœ œ
œ œœ œœ Œ
b b b b b b œœ œœ œ œ Œ
œ œ
Mu - si - cal!
Mu - si - cal!
Mu - si - cal!
Mu - si - cal!
œ
b b b b b b œ œœ œœ œœ Œ
#5—A Musical
œœ œœ œ œ
œ œ Œ
— 164 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
bb
& b b bb
!
bb
& b b bb
!
bb
& b b bb
!
164
165
nnnnnn
œ œ
œ
It's a mu - si - cal
nnnnnn Œ
&
&
#### œ œ œ ˙
&
#### Ó
&
####
173
!
167
!
# #
Œ ‰ œj # #
NOSTRADAMUS:
168
Ó
A
nnnnnn Œ œ . œ
####
169
!
166
œ. œ œ œ
Œ œ œ
œ Œ
It's a mu - si - cal
for
!
!
####
!
!
####
us
œ œ
for
us
œ œ œ ‰ œ Jœ
œ
œ
n
œ
#
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
#
œ
œ
œ
n
œ
#
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ# œ œ
170
171
172
bright and shi - ny, might - y fine - y, glitt - er, glitz and cho - rus line - y, bob your head and shake your hin - y mu - si - cal! It's a
174
œ nœ #œ nœ œ œ ˙
œ Œ
3
mu - si - cal
It is
a
‰ œœ œj œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
œ
It's a
Ó
175
mu - si - cal!
Ó
mu - si - cal
j œ œ ˙
œ
œ
œ
‰ œ œœ œœ œœœ œœ ˙˙
It's a
176
j
‰ n œœ n œœ
mu - si - cal
nw
n œœ n œœ œœ ˙˙
nnnnbb
nœ
nœ œ ˙
‰ n œœ œœœ n œœ œœœ œœ ˙˙
J
nnnnbb
It's a
Ó
nnnnbb
NICK: Yes! Now, I get it!
It's a
mu - si - cal
mu - si - cal
Rubato
bU
U nœ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
b
œ
œ
œ
#
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ‰ J
b
Œ
‰
‰
n
œ
œ
&
œœ œ J œœ œ J
NICK:
177
178
NOSTRADAMOUS:
No kidding!
179
We'll do a
mu - si - cal.
A
mu - si - cal.
180
181
What could be more a - ma - zing than a mu - si - cal?
#5—A Musical
With
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 165 —
Start slow, then accel.
182
b œ
œ œ œ
œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ
&b
œ œ ‰J
œ œ œ ‰J
183
song and dance
184
and sweet ro - mance
b
œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ
& b œ. œ Œ œ. œ œ œ
187
Oohs, Ahhs,
190
b
&b œ
big
ap - plause with
œ #œ œ œ œ
some
191
un - ex - plain - a - ble
ev - 'ry - one
œ.
cheer - ing for
œ œ ‰ œ œ
J
J
rea - son
the crowd
dan - cers kick
b
&b
b
&b
&
199
####
in
u - ni - son
!
197
in one big won-der-ful
!
!
!
!
Kick-line Tempo (q = 110)
# N a œœ
j
œœ œœ ˙˙
3
200
Ó
mus - i - cal,
# # # # a a œœ œ 3 œ ˙
œ œ ˙
#
&
J
mus - i - cal,
Œ œ #œ
NOSTRADAMUS:
Ó
œ
œ œ bœ œ ˙
goes
wild ev - ry time
Œ œ
193
When
#
nn## ##
!
line!
3
3
3
3
#
! Œ # œJ œ n œJ # œ n Jœ # œ A n œœ n n # # # #
J
And then you've got your - self
a
And then you've got your - self
a
3
3
3
3
#
! Œ # œJ œ n œJ # œ n Jœ # œ NN Jœœ n n # # # #
j
3
œ
œ
Œ Œ œœ # œœ œœ œœj ˙˙
3
201
a
Ó
189
And for
198
ENSEMBLE:
!
!
188
Rall.
3
196
Swing it Baby! (q = 116)
us
192
œ
b
& b œJ œ Jœ Œ‰ œJ œJ œ J Œ ‰ œJ œ œ œ # œ œ N w
195
194
¿ œ bœ œ ˙
185
and with a mu - si - cal we might have {clap!} half a chance
NICK/NOSTRADAMUS:
186
A tempo (q = 138)
#5—A Musical
Ó
mus - i - cal,
3
3
Œ Œ œœ # œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
J
J
a
202
mus - i - cal,
Œ ‰ œœ
J
a
Ó
Œ ‰ œœJ
a
— 166 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
# #
& # # # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ n œœ œœ œœ
‰ œœ
J
204
203
la la la la la la la - pa - looz - i - cal!
With
# # # # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ n n œœ œœ œœ
#
&
style
splash - y
œœ œœ
J
‰ œ œ
œœ n œœ œœ œœ
Œ
œœ n n œœ œœ œœ
Œ
‰ Jœœ a a œœJ œœ
la la la la la la la - pa - looz - i - cal!
#### œ
# J œ
&
‰ œ œ
splash - y
j
œœ œœ
a œœ
J œœ
205
With
j
œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œœ œ œœ
œ
œ
œ œ
J
207
206
big fake
smile
a
snaz - zy
œ œ
#### œ
# J œ # œœJ œœ
&
‰ Jœœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
#### œ
#
&
œ ‰
J
œ
œ œ Œ
big fake
smile
snaz - zy
a
Double-Time Feel Straight 8's (q = 134)
209
#### œ
#
&
œ
swear
band, some jaz - zy hands, I
210
and a
3
style
208
band, some jaz - zy hands, I
3
and a
that I'll
swear
that I'll
œ
œ œ œ nœ #œ
œ
œ
J
‰
Cross
my
heart
hope
œ
to
die
œ œ Œ
If
œ
it
is
-
n't
a
œ œ œ nœ #œ
doo
œ
-
zy
Cross
my
heart
hope
to
die
If
it
is
-
n't
a
doo
-
zy
œ
œ ‰
J
œ
J
‰
# # # # œ œ œ œ œ Ó Œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ Ó Œ Œ 3n œ a œ œ œ œ
Œ
Œ
#
&
J
211
NICK/NOSTRADAMUS:
NOSTRADAMUS:
212
213
Take it from me
They'll be
# # # # œ œ œ œ . œœ ww
#
&
&
&
ww
217
216
####
####
big hit mus - i - cal!
#
#
!
!
218
!
!
!
!
214
215
flock - ing to see
3
222
3
3
Your
!
#5—A Musical
223
!
j
Ó Œ ‰ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
œ
224
!
˙˙˙ Ó
j
œ ˙
Ó Œ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙ Ó
ENSEMBLE:
219-221
(Swing 8's)
star - lit, won't quit,
A
big hit mu - si - cal!
A
big hit mu - si - cal!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 167 —
5A
A Musical (Tag)
NOSTRADAMUS: Actually, sometimes it works
so well -- you do the end of
the exact same song -- AGAIN!
NOSTRADAMUS:
b
&b 4 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
1
4
2
Tempo di 'Musical' Swing 8's (q = 128)
NOSTRADAMUS:
NICK:
œ œ œ œ Ó
3
3
Five, Six Sev - en, Eight! Take it from me...
b
&b œ œ œ œ
6
star - lit,
won't
quit,
7
Ó ‰ œ œJ œ œ œ œ Ó
4
3
They'll be flock - in' to see...
œ œ œœ œœ œœ ww
8
big
hit
9
ww
mus - i - cal!
Brother Jeremiah
5
Ó Œ ‰ œJ
Your
3
10-12
5B
TACET
Portia and Nigel Meet
TACET
#5A—A Musical (Tag)
5C
— 168 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
6
The Black Death
NICK: Was the Bible written from the heart?
NIGEL: Well, I would hope so.
NICK: But those writers, Matthew, Mark, Luke..
They were writing about an event,
Something epic, world changing...
NICK: Yes I've got it! [GO m. A]
A
2
&
#### 4
&
####
Bright 4 (q = 140)
U
!
4
TROUPE:
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ Œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœj œœ
3
4
silk road
7
# # # # œœ .. œ ˙
œ ˙
&
J
Black
14
11
Death
j
œœ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿
the Black Death. Black Death, woo!
8
9
and your va - gi - na?
j
j
œ
œ
‰ œ œœ # œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œœ .. œœ ˙˙
12
the Black Death. Black Death, woo! The
13
it's gon - na get ya it's the Black Death
j
œ
‰ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
it's gon - na hit ya with those
#### ‰ ‰
j
j
&
œœ œ œ .. œœ œœ ‹ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ n œœ n œœ œœ n œœ# # œœ œœ œœ n n œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ# ‹ œœ œœ œœn # œœ œœ
œ œ
15
Blis - ters
18
out of Chin - a?
5
#### œ œ œ œ œ
j
j
œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ œœ
&
J
What's that creep - in' 'round your pee - pee
10
2
B-C
What's that com - in' up the
6
NICK:Yes! Why didn't I think of this before?
NIGEL: What?!
NICK: The most significant historical
event in the last thousand years! [GO m. B]
&
# # # # œœ ..
Black
œœ ˙˙
J
Death
ooz
16
-
19
in' like syr - up that
‰ n œœ œœ
J
and it's
17
pest - y lit - tle pest - i - lence is
œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙ ..
J
20
com - in'
for
you...
#6—The Black Death
kil - ling half of Eu - rope it's the
21
˙˙ ..
Œ
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
22
— 169 —
NICK/NIGEL:
REAPERS:
TROUPE:
#### œ œ œ
j
œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ Œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ
&
ALL:
23
Mm mm mm mm mm
24
mm mm mm
mm mm
mm mm,
j œ j
#### œ œ œ œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
Œ
œ
‰
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ
œ œ œ
&
œ œ œœ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ œœ
27
28
Mm mm mm mm mm mm mm
30
# # # # œœ .. œ ˙
œ ˙
&
J
Black
34
&
####
Death
&
####
31
TROUPE:
ALL:
29
mm mm mm mm,
The Black Death. Black death woo! The
j
‰ œœJ œœ # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ .. œœ ˙˙
32
33
it's get - ting clos - er it's the Black Death
‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
J
it's get - ting gros - ser and it's
‰ œœ ‰ œ œ œ œœ œœ ‹ œ œœ œœ œœ ‰ n œœj n œœ œœ n œœ # # œœ œœ œœ n n œœ œœ
œ
œ œ œ
35
mak - ing
37
j
œœ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿
The Black Death. Black death woo!
NICK/NIGEL:
REAPERS:
ALL:
26
25
its way
36
ac - ross
œœ œœ œœ # ‹ œœ œœ œœ n # œœ œœ œœ .. œœ ˙˙
J
38
an - y - good for ding - lin' it's the Black Death
Eng - land
39
soon
ev - ry thing that's dang - lin' won't be
‰ n œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœJ œœ œœ ˙˙ ..
J
40
and it's com - in' for
you.
The Black Death (Incidental)
TACET
#6—The Black Death
41
Œ œœœœ œœœœ œœœœ Œ
Black Death!
6A
— 170 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
7
I Love the Way
PORTIA: Oh yes. Your sonnet has
Shakespearean sophistication mixed
with the complexity of Daniel Webster
and the sensitivity of Samuel Daniel. [GO m. 1]
Light Watlz (h. = 66)
# 3 œ- . œ- œ œ- . œ- œ œ- œ
œ
&
J
4 J
NIGEL: Wow. You really love poetry.
2
1
9
&
17
&
25
&
#
#
#
&
41
&
#
#
11
&
˙.
˙.
œ- . œ œ
J
PORTIA: Oh, I do. I really really do.
5
6
˙.
7
8
12
13
˙
26
œ
19
œ œ œ
a - lone in
34
œ œ œ
can - dle - light
˙.
42
˙.
# b˙ .
know
27
my
43
˙.
bed
œ œ œ
fi - re
20
14
35
28
˙.
29
˙.
-
room
œ œ œ
ig - nites my
15
n˙
sa
36
22
16
-
œ
œ œ
de - si - re
37
to
#˙ .
need
46
ting
-
˙.
47
#7—I Love the Way
œ
At
the
ly,
˙ Œ œ œ œ
48
be - cause I
b œ œ œn œ œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ Œ Œ œ ˙ œ ˙ .
53
that to find a per - fect rhyme is not an ea - sy
œ œ
39-40
45
52
˙
2
˙.
38
love
Œ Œ ‰ j
œ
read.
per - fect rhyme I get all
Œ
24
32
œ œ œ nœ ˙ .
œ œ œ œ# œ œ # œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ˙
51
31
tis - fy - ing my
œ œ
I love
23
30
44
ev - 'ry time I hear a
50
21
Œ
PORTIA:
I
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙.
po - ems of
mys - ter - y,
fan - ta - sy,
his - tor - y.
Oh, what se - duc - tive ap - peal.
18
Oh,
49
4
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ ˙.
œ
œ
Sid - ney and Mar - lowe and of - ten I
bor - row their words to ex - press how I
feel
10
night
33
3
54
thing
55
-
ly.
56
˙ Œ
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
57
&
65
&
#
#
I love the
59
œ œ œ
#
& ˙.
60
pla - ces that words let me
œ œ
œ
66
No words have
72
Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
58
touched me
67
the
— 171 —
61
go,
62
I love the
œ œ œ
n˙ .
68
way that yours
63
way that your words move me
69
˙
œ nœ ˙ .
70
71
˙ œ œ ˙.
74
75
˙.
Œ œœ œœ
76
œ- . œ- œ
77
œ œ
love
# œ- . œ- œ
&
J
œ Œ œ
do
and
œ- œ œ
#˙ .
# ˙˙ ..
78
œœ œ # œ
œ
79
˙.
#œ
80
Œ œœ œœ
81
œ œ
#˙
&
# œ
88
&
&
111
#
#
&
#
90
˙.
91
92
œ- . œ œ
93
J
˙.
97
be all, oh,
˙˙ ..
˙.
Œ œ œ
NIGEL:
94
It's the
98
you ought to
99
100
see all the books that I
101
102
have on my shelf.
I find
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙.
plea - sure pe - rus - ing those writ - ings and mus - ings so
of - ten I
plea - sure my - self.
104
Œ
˙
105
œ œ œ
that did - n't
in
106
107
108
109
NIGEL:
112
œ œ œ
deep
82
PORTIA: Me too! PORTIA:
œ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Œ Œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ
Wait,
119
89
J
96
end all, the
103
U
#˙ .
# ˙˙ ..
NIGEL: It's okay. I never knew poetry could affect someone the way it affects me. PORTIA: Me neither!
95
so,
PORTIA: Youuuuuu are really doing something to me, Mr. Poetry Man. Forgive me. I never get to discuss poetry in this way.
73
I
87
Œ
64
the
113
˙.
throes of
115
˙.
sound
œ œ œ
120
114
right.
œ œ œ
121
im - pas - sion - ate
n˙
No,
116
117
know what you
mean
œ œ œ nœ ˙ .
I
œ Œ œ
122
prose
#7—I Love the Way
I
!
110
Œ œ
118
œ
when I'm
3
PORTIA: You scream? So do I! AHHHH!!
œ #˙
123
could scream!
124-126
— 172 —
127
&
&
132
&
&
138
&
&
159
#
#
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
PORTIA:
˙.
128
Oh,
˙.
Œ
œ œ œ œ
#œ œ
love
a
lilt - ing
and
then I'm
Who
does - n't love al - lit - er - a - tion.
139
œ nœ œ œ œ œ
like
!
a
!
-
I
love the
162
pla - ces that words let me
˙.
168
I
&
175
love
# ˙˙ ..
that you feel
˙˙ ..
the same way
˙˙
176
177
&
# rit.
œ
œ
you
know
œ
that
˙.
I
˙.
!
!
e
˙.
˙.
˙.
-
!
142
la
-
tion!
love the
165
166
way that your words move me
˙˙
œœ n œœ ˙˙ ..
172
173
so
œœ
Œ œœ ˙˙ ..
do
174
and
˙˙ ..
178
185
when the phra - ses come to -
164
171
186
˙˙
179
you know that
184
bœ œ œ nœ œ œ
sweet
I
œœ œœ œœ
Œ
love
183
I
-
137
œ nœ
Œ
170
169
˙.
141
tion.
# œ œœ ‰ œj œ œœ ‰ œj œœ œœ n œœ n ˙˙ ..
& œ
œ œ
œ
167
al - lit - er - a
136
163
go
NIGEL:
PORTIA:
lyr - i - cal
Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
161
#œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ .
whoa,
140
BOTH:
160
131
!
˙.
con - sum - ma
of
135
like
œ œ œ ˙
130
b˙ .
134
œ œ œ œ
ge - ther
line
‰ j
œ œ œ œ
œ
# Ó
#
I
Œ
NIGEL:
#
œ
133
tion
#
˙
129
˙.
180
œœ œœ ˙˙ .
.
181
I
love
187
love
#7—I Love the Way
˙
Œ
I
˙˙
182
6
NIGEL: Me too.
188-193
Œ
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 173 —
8
Will Power
Hard Funk (q = 140)
# # # 4 . CROWD:
. ¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ J¿ ‰ Œ
&
1
4
We
want
2
Will!
3X
¿‰¿‰¿‰Œ
J
We
want
2A
Will!
¿‰¿‰¿‰Œ
J
We
want
Will!
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you! Is it good to see me or what!?
WOMAN IN CROWD: Do Sonnet 18!
MAN IN CROWD: Do "Kingdom for a horse!"
OTHERS IN CROWD: All the world's a stage!/Sonnet 10!/Make up a word! etc.
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, okay – here's one for all you beautiful Tudors out
there, a little sonnet that's been very good to me.
Let's see if you know it.
6
SHAKESPEARE:
### .
.
&
3
# #
& # ..
### .
.
&
&
###
&
### œ
&
&
!
4
Ó
‰ œJ œ œ .. œ œ Ó
###
###
-
We
want
Will!
ΠShall I com - pare thee?
!
VAMP
.. Ó
!
!
œ œ œ œ
ling buds of May,
!
!
œ
yeah,
and more
12
9
CROWD:
œ œ ‹ œj œ
Ó
To
a sum - mer's day!
To
a sum - mer's day!
Œ
Œ œ œ œ
œ œ
10
temp - er - ate,
and sum - mer's lease,
Œ
Œ
#8—Will Power
Œ
Œ ‰ J¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
‰ œJ œ œ œ
Ó
Yeah!
Œ ‰ J¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
.. Ó
!
Thou art more love - ly
11
¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ ¿ ‰ Œ ..
J
Ó
7
(last x)
œ
‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ
8
2B
and the
rough
Œ
Ó
13
‰ J¿
œ
œ
winds
shake
the dar -
Œ
¿ ¿
I
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Œ
Hath
all too short a date!
Œ
Hath
all too short a date!
‰ J¿
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
a -
— 174 —
&
###
&
###
&
14
&
&
###
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿‰ ¿
J
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
J
J
16
˙
˙
˙
#˙
œ Œ
œ
˙˙
˙˙
# ˙˙
œœ Œ
Ah,
Ah,
!
19
Ó
&
# # # www
j
œ
œ œœ .. Ó
>>
&
###
œ>œœ œ>œœ ... Ó
J
&
###
23
Ó
Ó
Will
# # # www
Will
Ó
˙˙
˙˙
œœ
Œ
Ó
Ah!
Ah!
‰ j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
is the
Ó
Pow - er!
œ>œœ œ>œœ ... Ó
J
of the peo - ple now!
is the
25
Will
Ó
of the peo - ple now!
‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿‰
of the peo - ple now!
Can you feel it?
‰ j
Œ Ó
œ œ œ œ
He
Ó
Will
‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
24
Will
!
21
of the peo - ple now!
‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
j
œ
œ œœ .. Ó
>>
Pow - er!
Œ
He
I am the
ww
œ
œ
He
Pow - er!
!
22
Ó
Pow - er!
Will
˙
˙
20
Will
what shall we call it?
˙˙
‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
I am the
ww
17
oth - ers may ap - pall it, It's quite the new sen - sa - tion,
˙˙
Will
&
15
dore the a - do - rat - ion, tho'
###
###
18
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
is the
Will!
‰ œJ œ œ œ Œ Ó
He
#8—Will Power
is the
Will!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
&
###
!
26
# # # CROWD:
Ó
¿
&
SHAKESPEARE: Aw, I'm feeling it too. In fact I'd like to feel you
a little bit later. Do you want more?
CROWD: Yeah!!!
SHAKESPEARE: When do you want it? Tomorrow?
CROWD: No!!
SHAKESPEARE: Later?
CROWD: No!!
SHAKESPEARE:
..
!
27
— 175 —
!
28
29
‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ..
Ó
(last x)
Lem - me hear you say,
Œ
..
!
!
..
!
Whoo!
&
### ¿ Œ Ó
&
# # # Ó CROWD:
¿ Œ
&
### ¿ ¿ ¿ Ó
30
31
Ó
‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Ó
32
"Now..."
!
Ó
35
!
36
œ œœ œ œœœ
¿ ¿¿
¿ ¿
37
œ œ œÓ
!
!
!
Now is the!
40
&
Lem - me hear you say,
!
!
38
39
Now is the win-ter of our dis - con - tent,
41
glor - i - ous sum - mer by this
!
Ó
Œœ
Made
(echo at same octave)
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œÓ
Now is the win- ter of our dis - con - tent,
### œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ Ó
J
&
###
‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Now is!
"Now is the..."
# #
& # Ó
Ó
Lem - me hear you say, "Now is..."
Now!
34
33
42
!
43
Ó
‰œ œ œ œ œ
son of York.
Ó
œœœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
Œ
‰J
Ó
Made glor - i - ous sum - mer by this
#8—Will Power
son of York.
lem - me hear you say
— 176 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
&
### œ . œ œ
&
###
44
Ó
45
Œ
‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
J
"Glor - i - ous!"
!
œœ .. œœ œœ
Ó
œœ .. œœ œœ
Ó
&
&
### ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
!
œœ .. œœ œœ
Ó
œœ .. œœ œœ
Ó
¿ ¿ ¿
L - O - R - I - O - U - S", who
fits
!
Œ
that
bill?
!
Œ
###
fev - er go - in' round,has
50
Ó
œœ .. œœ œœ
Ó
Ó
Œ
¿ ¿
There's a
‰ ¿ ¿
J
Œ
!
‰ ¿ ¿
J
Œ
!
Will!
Will!
53
!
54
a - ny - bo - dy caught it?
‰¿ ¿
J
¿ ¿ ¿Œ
Me thinks you've got it!
˙˙
# ˙˙
œœ
‰ J¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
¿
˙˙
˙˙
# ˙˙
œœ
‰ J¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
¿
Ah,
œœ .. œœ œœ
guess!
˙
˙
Ah,
###
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿Œ
let's see, "G -
Glor - i - ous!
I
It's
52
‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
J
Glor - i - ous!
‰ ¿ ¿
J
It's
51
&
49
Œ
Well,
Glor - i - ous!
48
###
47
Glor - i - ous!
Glor - i - ous!
### ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ ¿
&
J
&
‰¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
J
Well, I can be...
Glor - i - ous!
# #
& #
Œ
Do you mean me?
###
&
46
!
We're shak - ing it for Shake - speare!
We're shak - ing it for Shake - speare!
#8—Will Power
!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
55
&
59
&
4
###
55-58
###
!
60
&
&
###
&
###
Will
61
Will
j
œ
œ œœ .. Ó
>>
Ó
œ>œœ œ>œœ ...
J
Ó
Ó
Ó
‰ Jœ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
64
‰ j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
ww
Will
am the
Will
j
œ
œ œœ .. Ó
> >
Ó
Ó
Ó
œ>œœ œ>œœ ...
J
Will
of
Huz - zah!
68
of the peo - ple now!
He
is the
Will
of the peo - ple now!
!
>œ >œ
..
Œ Ó
œ œ
Ó
‰ ¿ ¿
J
Huz - zah!
is
the
Will
‰ Jœ œ œ œ Œ Ó
He
3X 69
66
the peop - le now
He
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, that is music to my ears.
And if music be the food of love -- play on!
That's a new one, don't know where to put it yet.
CROWD: And speaking of love [GO m. 70]
67
Will
Œ Ó
‰ j
œ œ œ œ
Pow - er!
# # # . (1st x only)
. Œ ‰ J¿ ¿ Œ
&
is the
œ œ œ œ œ
Pow - er!
# # # www
He
‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
65
I
!
62
of the peo - ple now!
Pow - er!
!
63
Ó
Pow - er!
Will
# # # www
‰ Jœ œ œ œ
SHAKESPEARE:
I am the
# #
& # ww
&
— 177 —
is
the
Will
U
w
SHAKESPEARE: Here's one for all you lovers out there.
œ
nnn b b Œ
bbb œœœœœ
#8—Will Power
70
w
71
ww
w
w
6
8
— 178 —
72
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
3
Largo (q. = 72)
bb
&b b b 6
8
j
œ œ
b
& b bbb œ .
through
j
œ œ
œ
80
yon
and
b
& b bbb ˙ .
84
Ju
-
œ.
85
88
92
sick
b
& b bbb ˙ .
100
-
89
œ.
œ
moon.
96
œ
rea
-
104
-
is
93
œ
dy
86
œ
J
Œ.
101
¿
œ
œ
so
pale
with
art
105
˙.
œ
is
j
œ œ
œ
A - rise,
fair
87
en
-
vi
-
moon,
98
œ.
95
j
œ
œ
œ
that
thou
her
œ
œ
œ
103
more
she,
fair
107
Œ.
than
œ.
than
#8—Will Power
œ
J
Œ
œ
99
œ
˙.
œ.
is
so
grief
far
ous
who
˙.
œ.
œ
‰ œ œ
Œ.
91
œ œ
J
the
œ œ œ œ
J
the
pale,
106
œ œ œ
œ œ
J
83
œ
94
102
Œ.
it
sun.
the
and
œ.
79
90
œ
Œ.
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you.
j
¿ ¿.
œ.
and
œ.
œ.
‰ œ
97
82
what
breaks?
kill
sick
œ
dow
the
Oh,
maid
b
.
& b bbb ˙
li - et
and
b
& b b b b œj
b
.
& b bbb œ
win
œ.
sun,
al
der
soft,
78
j
œ œ œ œ
81
East,
-
j
œ œ
j
œ ˙.
j
œ
œ
But
77
œ
light
b
& b bbb œ
j
œ
72-74
b
& b bbb œ .
76
Œ
SHAKESPEARE:
75
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
˙.
b
b
&b b b
108
109
˙.
110
— 179 —
WOMAN IN CROWD: EEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!!!
SHAKESPEARE: Thank you. I like that one, too.
nnnnnbb 4
!
4
she.
A Tempo (q = 140)
bb 4
!
b
&b 4
!
&
&
111
4
4
112
CROWD:
bb 4
!
4
!
ww
Will
www
Will
#### œ
#
&
122
Will
&
####
œ>œœ œ>œœ ... Ó
J
Pow - er!
123
129
I
œ
œ œ œ
œ œ
hard
wor - king bard
you re -
126
am the
130
I am the Will!
˙˙ Ó
‹ ˙˙ ..
Œ
#
˙˙ Ó
Yeah!
Pow - er!
˙ ‰ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰œ œ œ œ Œ ‰œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
J
J
J
128
# Œ ‹ ˙˙ ..
Yeah!
œ>œœ œ>œœ ... Ó
J
Pow - er!
Will
you with the quill,
‰ Jœ œ œ
j
œ
œ œœ .. Ó
>>
#
w
n n # # # # ww
Pow - er!
Ó
I am the
Will
to thrill
gard, yeah!
121
#
n n # # # # ww
j Ó
œ
œ œœ .
>>.
with the skill
127
SHAKESPEARE:
!
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Faster! (q = 154)
&
#
nn## ##
œ œ œ
#### œ ˙ .
#
&
####
120
!
113
131
I am the Will!
I am the name you wan-na see up on that
‰j
Œ
œœœ œ
!
He is the Will!
‰j
Œ
œœœ œ
‰ œJ œ œ œ Œ
‰ œJ œ œ œ Œ
!
He is the Will!
He is the Will!
#8—Will Power
He is the Will!
— 180 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
#### œ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œœŒ
#
&
J
132
&
####
bill!
&
# œœ# œ œœ œ œœ œ œœ œ
œ œ œ œ
Will
Will Will
Will
Will
Will Will
Will
3
¿ ¿¿ ¿
#### Œ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
#
&
Thank you God!
Œ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ Œ
3
Beau - ti - ful swan
140
!
‰ J¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
!
The one in Strat-ford.
w
Ah,
w
Ah,
Œ
Ó
Ó
You know what they
‹ ˙˙ ..
‹ ˙˙
œœœ Œ ‹ œœœ ...
>
143
j
œœ œœ ..
Ó ˙˙
Ó ˙˙˙
Will
Ó
pow - er
# œœœ œœœ ...
J
pow - er
#8—Will Power
j
œœœ œœœ œœœ
> >
Ah!
‰ œ œ œ œœ œ œ w
144
Ó
˙
j
œœ œœ .. Ó
Will
Ó ˙˙
Will
Ó
say
j
œœœ œœœ œœœ
> >
Ah!
Where there's a Will there's a way
Will
Œ
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿Œ
Œ ‹ œœ ..
>œ .
Ah,
142
139
an - y gi - ven day,
Ah,
141
# ‹ œœœ
>
‰j
Œ
¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿
138
"Where there's a Will there's a way!"
####
the cho-sen one that God in hea-ven smiled up -
The one in Strat-ford.
Beau - ti - ful swan
œ œ w
# ‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ
####
# œœœ
&
>
Œ
and if you wan - na see per - fect - ion on
Thank you God!
&
of the A - von,
137
#### Œ
# ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
&
&
Œ
135
‰ Jœ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ # œ œ œ œ Œ
J
# œŒ
136
on,
####
134
I am the swan
# # # # œœ œœ œœ œœ
#
&
####
‰ œJ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
133
Ó ˙˙˙
Will
pow - er
# œœœ œœœ ... Ó
J
pow - er
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 181 —
#### œ œ ˙ .
#
&
147
148
!
!
149
U
2
œ œ U
‰ œœœJ œœœ n n n œœœ # # # œœœ n n n œœœ # # # œœœ n n n œJœœ # # # ˙˙˙ œœ œœ Œ Ó
J
2
pow - er
#### Œ
#
&
#### Œ
#
&
2
SHAKESPEARE: Good night! [GO m. 150]
Parting is such sweet sorrow!! [GO m. 151]
‰ œj œ n œ # œ
œ œ nœ # œ
Will
j
j
nn œœ # # œœ n n œœ # # ˙˙
œœœ œœœ Œ Ó
Pow - er!
150-151
Pow - er!
Will
Will Power (Playoff)
TACET
#8—Will Power
8A
— 182 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
9
Shakespeare After Party
1
&
&
6
&
Hard Funk (q = 140)
## 4
4
## 4
##
4
!
GUESTS:
!
18
œœœ
˙˙˙ ..
.
œœœ
˙˙˙ ..
.
!
3
Shake - speare!
!
Shake - speare!
8
PORTIA: Oh my...
WAITRESS: Drinks?
PORTIA: Oh, yes. I'm parched. Thank you... That's not water.
4
œœœ
˙˙˙ ..
.
œœœ
˙˙˙ ..
.
Groovy 4 (q = 110)
!
5
Shake - speare!
!
Shake - speare!
NIGEL: Oh my God, look over there. It's Thomas Middleton.
PORTIA: And he's talking to Edmund Spenser.
PORTIA: And oh my gosh... ... look who just walked in!
6-13
##
NIGEL/PORTIA: Francis Bacon!
&
2
4
NIGEL: I know. It's like–all the greatest poets of London are right here in this room.
PORTIA: Including you.
14-17
SHAKESPEARE: Is that a young
Bottom I see?!
# œ
& # œœ
˙˙˙ ..
.
Shake - speare!
# œœ
& # œ
˙˙˙ ..
.
Shake - speare!
LONG SCENE, then...
SHAKESPEARE: Would you
like me to give it a looky-loo?
What am I saying?
Of course you would!
I'm Shakespeare!
19
U
20
U
Shake - speare!
!
!
œœœ
œœœ
˙˙˙ ..
.
˙˙˙ ..
.
Shake - speare!
Shakespeare Incidental
TACET
#9—Shakespeare After Party
21
!
!
9A
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 183 —
10
Bottom's Gonna Be On Top
NICK: Oh man, this is going to solve so many problems.
My future is suddenly looking brighter!
colla voce
j
& 4 Œ œ œ œj œ 2 œ œ œ œ 4 Œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ 2 œ œ œ œ 4
œ
4
4
4
4
4
NICK:
2
1
No more Mis - ter A
-
œ œ œ œ
&4 Œ
4
5
My
name
w
&2
2
#œ œ
9
4
non - y - mous.
will be syn
Bright 2 (h = 100)
8
3
w
No more world that is Nick
Bot - tom - less
2 œ œ œ œ ! œ 4 -œ -œ -œ -œ
4
4
6
-
o - ny - mous
10
With
w
be - ing
11
on
˙
&Œ
16
j
œ œ.
NICK:
œ
I
can
& Œ œ œj œ .
It's
20
&Œ œ
Ev
24
13
&Œ
a
-
j
œ œ.
'ry
j
œ œ œ.
Hail
17
my
œ
see
it
now,
œ.
œ œ
J
œ
Pow!
œ.
j
œ œ
œ
where
I
go,
œ.
œ œ
J
25
name,
Oh!,
œ
it's
me
ow,
bœ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ œ Ó
gon - na
be
great,
gon - na
œ
j
œ œ.
22
Œ
They
26
œ
œ
Œ
I'm
It's
j
œ œ
j
œ œ.
14
18
hit,
21
-
œ.
j
œ œ
the
Ó
top
12
2
2
7
the
œ.
15
cat's
-
19
will
23
be
œ.
love
great.
j
œ œ
œ
me
so,
bœ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ œ Ó
gon - na
great,
gon - na
be
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
27
be
great.
— 184 —
28
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
& œœ
œœ
& œœ
œœ
29
œœ œœ œœ
Mas - ter
Bot - tom, you're
œœ
such
œœ
a
won - der - ful
wri
œœ œœ œœ
œœ
œœ
œœ œœ œœ
œœ ..
Bot - tom, you're
such
a
won - der - ful
wri
MALE ENSEMBLE:
Mas - ter
32
36
And
œœ
your
ta - lent
œ
& bœ
œœ
œœ œœ œœ
b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
your
ta - lent
ta - lent
33
œœ œœ œœ
is
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
ta - lent
is
œœ
be - yond
œœ
be - yond
-
com
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œœ ..
star,
you
are,
and you could - n't
be
bright
œ
& œ
œœ
œœ
œœ
œœ
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œœ ..
a
star,
you
are,
and you could - n't
&
"
"
NICK:
& œœ œœ œœ œœ
j
b
œ
œ
œ
œ
b œ œ œ œ œœ ..
& œœ œœ œœ œœ
b b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ..
J
You're
You're
a
a
re - al
re - al
vis - ion - a
vis - ion - a
-
-
42
¿
Thank
-
œœ ˙˙
J
"
ter.
NICK: Why thank you!
"
35
be
38
"
NICK: Well, now you're just embarrassing me.
a
41
ter.
pare.
# œœ
You're
-
"
31
ww
œœ
œœ
j
œœ ˙˙
ww
com - pare.
œœ
37
NICK: Oooh, I can hear them now...
34
& # œœ
You're
40
œœ œœ œœ
& œœ
And
œœ ..
30
bright
j
œœ ˙˙
-
er.
-
œœ ˙˙
J
-
"
er.
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
you Je
"
39
sus and
"
43
¿.
hail
Ó
j
œ
¿ ¿ ¿
Ma
-
Œ
ry.
ry! This
œ
This
"
ry.
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
Ó
Œ
œ
This
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
44
œ œ œ œ œ œ
&
J
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
œ
J
on
be
on
48
51
be
on
j
œœ Ó
‰ œœ ..
œœ
J
œ.
‰ œ.
This
Ó
top,
This
&
œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
&
"
&
"
I'm gon - na
siz - zle,
46
This
top,
œœ œœ œ œ œœ œ
œ œ J œ
&
Bot - tom's gon - na
‰ œ.
Ó
top,
j
œ
œ
œ
& œ œ œœ œœ œ œœ
Bot - tom's gon - na
45
49
œ œ œ œ œ œ
J
Bot - tom's gon - na
I'm
Ó
gon - na
be
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
Bot - tom's gon - na
pop,
Œ
‰ œJ
be
Œ
œ
Ó
j
œ
&œ
on
œ
J
top!
b œœ
Ó
œœ
&J
on
j
œœ
œœ
top!
Ó
on
œœ
J
be
be
be
on
œ
J
47
Ó
Œ œ
top.
Man,
j
œœ
"
œœ
J
"
top.
top.
œ
œ
œ œ œ œ
j
‰ œœ œœ
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
œœ
œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ
‰ œJ
œœ
50
And
And
œ
&J
on
œœ œœ œ œ œœ œ
œ œ J œ
And
Ó
on
j
œœ œœ œ œ œœ œ
œ œ
œ
œ œ œ œ œ
Man,
— 185 —
top!
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
œœ
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
2
2
2
52-53
œœ œœ œœ œœ
— 186 —
54
&Œ
58
62
66
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
œ
This
j
œ œ.
œ
j
œ œ.
NICK:
&Œ
&Œ
is
Mon
-
œ
œ œ.
J
Throw
-
œ
Me
li
67
-
œ.
sent,
œ
œ.
j
œ œ
big
pa
œ.
¿ ¿
J
are
œ
con
gon - na
be
great,
gon - na
œ
œ œ.
J
Œ
-
65
es
œ œ
gon - na
great,
gon - na
ter - nal - ly
be
72
œ.
grate
-
61
j
œ ˙
&œ
-
75
œ
you
œ
for
our
œ
œ
œ
tude
was
i
-
œ
œ
cot
-
œ
tage
76
œ
œ œ
in
œ
œ
œ œ œ
food,
I'd
have
79
œ
the woods.
a
big
80
œ.
plate
œ
fi
dent,
-
œ œ Ó
be
great.
j
œ œ
will
œ
j
œ œ
-
œ.
bœ œ œ
œ œ œ
-
ing
œ.
œ œ
Prais
68
-
57
œ
64
It's
e
œ
j
œ œ.
bœ œ œ
rade,
œ
œ
so
60
œ
-
Œ
Feel
It's
paid,
71
56
œ
be
69
made,
œ œ Ó
be
great.
NICK: You're who I'm doing it for.
"
73
ful.
NICK: You deserve it!
&œ
grat
ven
spent.
ments
Ba - by
œ
well
œ œ œ
and
Thank
78
63
-
j
œ œ
œ œ
J
BEA:
&œ
74
59
a
Comp
œ.
hea
ey
œ œ œ.
&Œ
J
70
55
Œ
Ó
77
NIGEL:
Ó
Œ
œ
If
œ ˙
J
full.
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
NICK: Nice metaphor, bro!
81
"
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
SHYLOCK:
82
&œ œ œ œ
You're the
bœ œ œ Œ ¿
great - est,
"You
84
I
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
real - ly should - n't
"
say
it,
85
but
"
j œ
j
¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
Yes, I
am!
Ó
This
Œ œ
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
[ADD BEA THRU m. 93]
This
"
&
"
86
œ œ œ œ œ œ
&
J
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
œ
J
on
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
on
be
‰ œ.
Ó
on
88
This
j
œœ Ó
‰ œœ ..
œœ
J
œ.
‰ œ.
top,
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
J
&
Bot - tom's gon - na
87
"
top,
j
œ
œ
œ
& œ œ œœ œœ œ œœ
90
da man!"
"
&
NICK:
CLAPHAM:
83
— 187 —
Ó
top,
Oo
Oo
-
Oo
b˙
œœ ..
stop.
be
on
be
on
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
J
This
ver gon - na
œœ ..
& ww
& w˙
ne
œ œ œ œ œ œ
J
Bot - tom's gon - na
Bot - tom's gon - na
91
go - ing,
[MEN SING O/S]
[ADD NIGEL/SHYLOCK THRU m. 93]
j
œœ œœ œ œ œœ œ
œ œ
œ
œœœ œœ‰œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
&
J
I get
Ó
Bot - tom's gon - na
This
And
92
Œ œ
MALE ENSEMBLE:
be
on
œ
J
89
Ó
Œ œ
top.
Once
j
œœ
"
œœ
J
"
top.
top.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Ó
J
J
93
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
on
top!
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
on
top!
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
be
on
top!
j
j
j
j
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
# œœ œœ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ b œœ œœ Ó
wah,
And
wah,
And
œœ œœ ‰ œœJ
J
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ
œ Ó
J
J
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
This
— 188 —
94
&
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Slightly Slower (h = 95)
bb
&b b b
&
102-109
RENAISSANCE WRITERS:
bbbb
œ
b œ
We
We
œœ œœ œœ
œœ
œ nœ œ
œœ
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
ty
of
nœ
œ nœ œ œ œ
111
are the roy - al
-
œ
are the roy - al
b
œ
& b b b b b œ œœ
-
œœ œœ
ty
115
of
we're
hand - ing
down
b
& b bbb œ
œ
œ
œ
b
œ
& b bbb œ
You
b
& b bbb nœ
You
we're
œ
hand - ing
œœ œœ œœ
were a
no
œ œ œ
were a
no
-
wri
116
œ œ
crown
to
œœ
œœ
œœ
œœ
but
then
o - ver - night
œ œ nœ
œ
œ nœ
bo - dy,
bo - dy,
119
but
then
-
NICK: Indeed you are.
œœ ˙˙
J
"
113
ters.
j
œ ˙
"
ters.
˙
Ó
˙
Ó
NICK: Really? I'm honored.
"
117
you.
the
œœ œœ
-
œ
œ
to
-
œ.
œœ œœ œ
crown
œœ ..
wri
the Ren - ais - sance
the
down
112
the Ren - ais - sance
b œœ œœ
Now
Now
118
8
Struttin' Hard (h = 90)
b
& b bbb nœ
114
bbbbb
94-101
102
110
8
NOSTRADAMUS: There's also a prince, and a ghost! MURDER MOST FOUL! NICK: Write down everything you see! Because I see me.
And I am not a bard. I'm THE BARD.
you.
120
˙˙
˙
o - ver - night
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
˙˙
you're
˙
you're
"
121
˙˙
some
˙
some
˙˙
-
-
one,
˙
one,
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
b
& b bbb nœ œ œ œ
NICK: Stop it!
Aœ œ œ Œ
123
122
Bet - ter than the
rest
bb
& b b b nœ œ œ œ
rest
us,
of
ritard.
Now
you are
the
Now you
are
nnnnn 4
nœ nœ ˙
nnnnn 4
best
œ œ nœ nœ
us,
U
n œœ nn œœ ˙˙
125
the
of
best
Renaissanace Duel (q = 90)
127 NICK: Hello, Will. I knew you wouldn't go down without a fight.
SHAKESPEARE (O.S.):
Not - so - fast!
&4
4
n œœ œœ n n œœ n œœ
124
Aœ œ œ Œ
Bet - ter than the
126
of
— 189 —
"
"
128
Ó
U
of
us.
Œ
SHAKESPEARE:
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ !¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰
&
J
top,
sir? Nay, thou sure - ly doth
jest.
I
&¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
135
If you want to make it
to the
top,
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
then you're gon - na have to go through
4
The
NICK: Yawn. Rhyming couplet.
That is so 1580's.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh yeah? Well...
3
say, on my hon - or here, I doth pro - test.
SHAKESPEARE:
¿
J
‰
130
129
134
4
us.
131-133
¿ Œ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿
136
me.
'Cause on the
j
&¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ Œ ‰¿ ¿ Œ Ó
138
137
top is where I live and I
&
"
140
not be giv - ing up that eas - i - ly.
"
&
141
will
139
So there!
"
142
"
"
143
"
Œ ‰ . ¿r
NICK:
Ó
Oh
Ó
144
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿
& ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿ Œ Ó
3
man I have been wait-ing for this mo - ment for so long I'm gon - na en - joy it when I knock you off your perch.
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
Oh, no you
— 190 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
&¿ Œ Ó
146
145
won't!
&Ó
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿ ¿
Ó
Oh, no you won't!
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿ ¿ Œ Ó
Oh, yes I
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿ ¿
Œ
147
Oh, no you won't!
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿ ¿
will!
& ¿ ¿. ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
3
150
149
3
won't! My ac - comp - lish - ments are much more ac - comp - lished than
"
&
"
Oh, no you
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿ ¿
Œ
Oh, yes I will!
‰ . ¿r ¿ . ¿
Œ
148
Oh, yes I will!
¿ Œ Ó
151
"
152
yours!
Œ¿ ¿ ¿
In
your
Œ
¿¿ ¿¿ Œ
3
¿
dreams, I am the best!
& Ó ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
3
154
153
3
3
3
3
155
3
3
3
You can't be the best be - cause I am the best! I have writ - ten twelve plays and each one is a test - a - ment to my great
"
&
"
"
U
r
Œ
‰
!
&¿
¿ ¿. ¿ ¿ Œ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
157
156
skill!
&
I
158
am the Will!
159
And I wrote "Tam - ing Of The Shrew" and "Rich - ard
"
"
III" and "Rich - ard II" and Hen - rys
"
"
j 3
j
‰
& ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ "¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
161
160
Four and Five and Six,
&
"
162
and "Tit - us An - dro - ni - cus!"
"
And,
163
oh, did I for - get...? "Rom - e - o and Ju - li - et"!
"
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
Ó
Œ ‰ ¿j
NICK:
Well
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
164
3
3
3
3
3
3
3
3
3
lov - ing
it, can't get
e - nough of
&¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
it,
j" j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
3
3
ev - 'ry - one, ev - en
in - clud - ing
167
3
&¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
169
Very Fast
&3 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
4
Not
176
172
a - ny good!
¿
¿ ¿ ¿
Not
173
a - ny good!
¿
¿ ¿ ¿
Not
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
pri - vate - ly she told me that you're
174
a - ny good!
3
3
3
3
177
¿
U U
2¿ ¿
4
¿ ¿ ¿
Not
175
a - ny good!
And
&3 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
182
3
3
178
she
œœ œœ . U
˙.
œœ œœ ... ˙˙˙ ...
Wait
a
¿
min - ute!
¿
You
180
wrote
¿ ¿ Œ
"Ome - lette!"
U
2Œ
4
NICK:
181
¿
Yes...
3
4
4
4
3
4
told me that all of your plays make her vom - it, and noth - ing's as good as my mu - sic - al, "Ome - lette!"
SHAKESPEARE:
4
the Queen! She
170
&4 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿ ¿ ¿
3
4
179
3
call - ing the great - est thing they've ev - er seen, and the
rec - ent - ly in - vit - ed me to her cast - le where she knight - ed me, and
171
3
&¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
peo - ple are
168
3
165
I have just writ - ten the thing that the crit - ics are
166
— 191 —
SHAKESPEARE:
‰ Jœ 4
4
I
Rubato
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ
&4
4
183
nev - er thought that
185
&˙
best.
Ó
I
would meet my
184
e - qual,
But, I con - cede
Faster
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
May - be
we
could
part - ner
on
a
186
œ
187
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
I
œ
have been best - ed
œ
se - quel...
Ó
by
the
2
2
— 192 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
A tempo (h = 100)
188
& 2 ¿.
2
NICK:
Oh,
my,
¿ ¿ ¿
189
how the
tide
¿ ¿ Ó
&¿
193
you
were here,
&
###
&
bbbb
but
now
190
has turned.
j
¿ ¿ Œ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ¿
192
196
j
¿ ¿
we swap.
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Let's
194
So,
¿
kiss
¿
this
re - view,
191
what
¿ ¿ ¿
j
¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ‰ ¿
have
195
bot - tom, I'm
we learned?
the top!
10
nnnbb b
bb
196-205
2
b
"
212
213
œ
NICK:
Ó
Œ
206-207
Yeah
214
b w
& b bbb
bb
& b b b ˙˙
215
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
œœ ..
"
"
on
top!
b ˙
& b bbb ˙
.
n n œœœ ..
œœœ
J
MALE ENSEMBLE:
He's
on
œ œ œ ˙
j
œœ
He's
top!
###
¿ ¿ ¿ Ó
on
See,
216
œ
˙˙
Œ
‰
œ
Right
œ œ œ œ œ ˙
J
217
where
I ough - ta
j
œœ
"
"
œœ ..
He's
on
top!
˙˙
.
n n œœœ ..
He's
on
œœœ
J
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
top!
be
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
b
& b bbb ˙
œ Œ
218
219
Œ œ
Ó
And
j
b
œ
& b b b b ‰ œœ .. œœ .. œœ œœ œœ Œ œ
Wah
wah
wah
Wah
wah
wah
&
##
"
#
& # ˙˙
223
j
œœ
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He's
on
And
Œ
NICK:
¿
¿
It's
nice
&
He's
on
&
## œ œ œ œ ˙
##
be on
top
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
J JÓ
¿ ¿
˙˙
Œ œ
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on
˙˙
.
# # œœœ ..
He's
on
225
j
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Ó
nnnnn##
œ
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I'm
en -
"
top!
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J
"
top!
Yeah
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ
J
J
j
œœ œœ œœ Œ œœ
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œ
J
˙
227
wah
wah
Wah
wah
wah
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224
up here,
top!
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nnnnn##
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ n œ b œj Ó
œ
J œ
"
Wah
.
‰ œœ .
this Bot - tom's gon - na
He's
joy - ing the view.
#
& # ‰ œœ ..
221
"
œœœ
J
.
# # œœœ ..
&
wah
#
nnnnn #
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Ó
J J
top!
# # ˙˙
226
And
œœ
œœ œ
œ Œ
b b b ‰ œœ .. œœ .. œœ
b
& b
J
222
wah
220
— 193 —
œœ
J
wah
Yeah
wah
Yeah
œœ œœ Œ œœ
228
229
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top!
Yeah
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top
Yeah
this
Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top
Yeah
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ
œœ
œ
Œ
J
J
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
— 194 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
## œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ œ
J J
&
231
230
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top!
232
Yeah
j œ
# œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
& # œ œ œ œ œ œ œJ b œœ œœ Œ œ
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top
Yeah
# # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ Œ œœ
J J
&
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on
top
Yeah
œ œ œ œ œ œ w
233
this Bot - tom's gon - na
234
be
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ww
this Bot - tom's gon - na
on
Ó b ˙˙
be
on
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ww
this Bot - tom's gon - na
˙
Ó
˙˙
Ó
be
on
NIGEL: You want us to write "Omelette"? Really?
I'm not so sure about this.
NICK: Well, I am. So raise
a glass [CLEAR m.235]
to "OMELETTE, The Musical!"
# # œ Œ UÓ
&
&
##
top!
U
œœ Œ Ó
"
"
Up!
"
U
top!
&
Bot - tom's
"
top!
##
237
U
U
# # œœ Œ UÓ
&
240
¿ ¿ ¿ Ó
J
J
"
236
235
"
"
241
242
Ó
"
238
j
œ œ œj Ó
Bot - tom's
Up!
œ œ œ Ó
J
J
Bot - tom's
"
239
(ON STAGE TAPS)
3
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿¿¿¿
3
Up!
Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œJ œ Jœ Ó
243
244
Yeah
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on top!
Yeah
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on top!
Yeah
this Bot - tom's gon - na
be on top!
3
3
## j j
j
j j
& ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ b œœ œœ Ó
J
# # ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
J JÓ
& J J
J J
3
3
#10—Bottom’s Gonna Be On Top
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 195 —
Entr'acte
11
TACET
Welcome to the Renaissance (Reprise) 11A
Easy Bounce (ŒÂ = Œ lj)
&4
4
!
1
&
œ œ œ
re - sponse
&œ œ œ œ œ
8
start - ing
to
sweat
3
3
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ
œ
œ œ ‰œ œ J œ J
Œ œ œ œJ œ Jœ
MINSTREL:
Wel - come to the
œ
5
2
4
Re
-
œ œ œ
J J
3
‰ œ œ œJ œ
6
Or an
nais - sance
e - pic
fai
-
lure
Now the stage is
7
And
Nick and
9
sto - ry
for a huge
œ œ œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ
J
‰ œj œ # œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
'Cause they don't have the
set
writ - ten
10
Ni - gel
Bot - tom
are
œ ‰ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
yet
Wel - come to
the
Ren -
3
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ3 œ œ œ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ Jœ Jœ œ œ
‰
&
J
œ œ
J
J
11
12
-
ais - sance
13
Got - ta give the
au
& œ œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ
-
15
if
&
18
you're Wil - liam Shake - speare
œ œ ‰ œ œ
Wel - come
to
you're
di - ence what
16
14
it wants
œ œ œ œ œ
feel - ing the heat
But it's
3
the Re
-
nais - sance
What's a
ea - sy
‰ œj œ œ ‰ œ œ
To
20
fa - mous
still be
œ ˙
J
bard
#11A—Welcome to the Renaissance (Reprise)
new
21
˙
And
Œ
17
œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ
J
19
not that
˙
to
— 196 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
12
Hard to Be the Bard
Rock Shuffle, Swing 8's (q = 111)
# 4 œ
MINSTREL:
1
&
7
&
9
11
13
15
17
&
&
&
&
&
#
4
do?
#
so
3
bu - sy,
it's
3
mak - ing
3
me
8
diz - zy, there's
3
and meet - ings, and
3
3
po - e - try
œ œ œ œ œ Œ
‰ œj
j 3 Œ
œ œ œ nœ œ
‰ œ œ
3
a
3
por - trait, and how
3
I
3
12
de - plore sit - ting
3
œ
so much I
got - ta
do.
end - less in - ter - views.
3
œ
3
3
10
read - ings, and
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ
3
œ œ œ œ œ œ
there for e - tern - i - ty.
My
It's
3
Got - ta
‰ œ œ
3
Then it's
3
3
œ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ
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j 3
œ œ œ œ œ
‰ œj
3
3
j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
‰ œ œ
to
3
the
œ œ œ bœ
to
3
3
inn, where my
3
back
#
3
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ
off
#
‰ œj
2-3
3
pose for
Œ
SHAKESPEARE:
Ó
6
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ
lunch - es
#
Ó
3
days are
#
Œ
2
my room
3
inn - keep - er friend wants to
j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
3
where
I
3
re - sume
my
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ
me
and
3
my beer and
14
3
the
ter - ri - ble
fear
3
at
name a drink aft - er
16
-
bœ
tempt
3
to write a
me!
hit
18
that
I might be
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
lo - sing it
3
Then it's
Just
3
And it's
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
19
#
3
j
j
j
j
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
#œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
#
œ
œ
‰
‰ œ œ œ
J
SHAKESPEARE:
&
‰ œj œ
œ
hard,
# œj œ
& ‰ œœ œœ
It's
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
It's hard,
3
20
It's hard,
BARD BOYS:
21
real - ly
real - ly hard,
&
it's hard,
it's
real - ly hard!
&
25
#
23
3
3
make it look ea - sy, but ho - ney be - lieve me it's hard,
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
!
#
œ œ œ nœ œ w
J
& œ œJ # œ # œ œ
26
3
3
3
3
in - con - ceiv - a - bly, un - be - liev - a - bly
3
3
ve - ry
ve - ry hard,
I
24
it's hard,
It's hard,
ve - ry hard,
j
‰ œj œ œ # œ œ œ œ ‰ Jœ
‰ œj œ
œ œ
3
ve - ry
j
œœ œœ # œœ œœ œœœ œœœ Œ
œ œ œ œ
3
# œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ
3
3
So
j
œ
‰ ‰ œœ # œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ Œ
3
3
22
— 197 —
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
3
3
3
hard.
j œ
œ
Œ œœ # œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ Œ
It's hard,
27
3
so in - cred - i - bly
it's
So
in - cred - i - bly hard.
‰ ¿J ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Œ
3
hard.
It's
to
be the Bard!
œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
‰œ œ
3
j 3 œ œj œ 3 œ w
# œœ œœ # œœ œœ œœ œ œ œ n œœ œ w
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ w
hard
3
in - con - ceiv - a - bly, un - be - liev - a - bly
28
SHAKESPEARE: Honestly,
I don't know how I do it. I mean,
there's only so much of me that
can go around.
4X (Last3X)
# .
& .Ó
# .
& .
29
3
Œ ‰ œ œ .. œ œ
I got
!
œ œ œ
3
!
hard.
3
3
30
3
3
3
so ma - ny fans with so ma - ny de - mands, I can hard - ly go take a piss.
.. œœœ
Hoo!
Œ
Œ
j
‰ # # œœœ œœœ
k
Ah - woo,
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
Œ
Be it
3
‰ œœœ œœœ œœœ
He can't pee!
— 198 —
31
&
&
33
&
#
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
3
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ
3
the - a - tre freak, or
# Œ
&
j
#
œ
‰ # œœ
Œ
Hoo!
#
I
bear, I'm like
&
&
#
œœ
œ
k
Œ
‰ œ œ
3
3
this!
It's the
œ œœ œœ œœ
‰ n œœ œ œ œ
3
woo,
Gim - me gim - me
œ œ
of
3
the
game,
œ
know,
3
œ bœ
J
I
know,
a
œœœ
k
Ah - woo,
œ nœ œ œ œ ‰ œ
3
the trap - pings of
Œ
fame,
but
j
#
œ
‰ # œœ
Ah
3
j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
I
got - ta
!
3
go
36
and get
I
It's
He
3
some - bo - dy's got
-
3
is
suf - fer - ing!
j 3 ‰ ‰ 3
¿ ¿ ¿
œ œ
ta
do
it.
And
So
he does it!
bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
‰ ¿
back to
3
3
my pen and ink
Ó
‰
Oh,
œœ ..
œ.
Oo
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
I
3
n
œ
œ
œ
‰ œœ œœ # œœ œœœ ‰
3
Œ
3
all
‰ œ œœ œœ œœ œ
œ
woo,
38
it.
3
3
nœ œ œ ¿
œ ‰ œ œ
suf - fer through
Œ
œœœ
k
-
3
3
bur - den but
j
#
œ
‰ # œœ
3
œœœ
3
34
I swear, it's
Œ
œ œ ‰
# Œ
#
œ
œ œ œ nœ œ Œ
3
all want a piece of
-
3
Je - sus
Œ
3
part
3
Hoo!
37
32
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
cross that
#
Ah
3
Hoo!
&
3
the aut - o - graph seek - er, they
œœ
œ
# œœ
& œ
35
3
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
39
&
&
41
&
#
3
¿ ¿ ¿
¿ ¿
¿ n¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
3
Don't make me
do
# œœ
œ
#
it
3
don't make me
Œ
hard,
# œj œ
& ‰ œœ œœ
&
It's
real - ly hard,
&
47
it's
œ œ
45
!
hard,
3
3
un - a - void - a - bly, un - en - joy - a - bly
3
hard.
This
œœ
œ Œ
3
so an - noy - ing - ly
it's
j
œ
Œ œœ # œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ Œ
It's hard,
SHAKESPEARE: It's hard to be
the Bard, baby!
!
hard.
So
3
3
an - noy - ing - ly hard.
SHAKESPEARE: I know writing
made me famous, but being famous
is just so much more fun.
.. Ó
50
.
¿ ¿ œ .
(Last X)
‰
You see, what
3
un - a - void - a - bly, un - en - joy - a - bly
but it's hard.
j
œ ‰ œ
3
j
j
j
œ
œ
‰ œ œ œ #œ œ œ
‰
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
49
but it's hard,
46
hard,
j
j
œ
œ
# œœ œœ # œœ œœ œœ œ œ œœ n œœ œœ www
& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
-
sex - y
it's hard,
It's hard,
48
3
'Cause it's
3
j
œœ œœ # œœ œœ œœœ
œ œ œ œ
‰ œj œ
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
# œ œ # œ # œ œ œ œ œ n œ œ œ ~ ~˙ .
&
J
J
3
a drink?
3
real - ly hard!
bar that I'm rai - sing to be this a - ma - zing it's
3
sex
3
3
3
It's
j œ œœ œ
œ
‰ ‰ œœ # œœ œœ œœ œœ Œ
3
# œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ
#
some - bo - dy get me
¿ œ
43
real - ly
It's hard,
3
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
3
3
j
j
j
‰ œj œ œ # œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ # œ œ œ
3
44
3
3
3
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
It's hard,
can
3
!
42
It's hard,
BARD BOYS:
go through it
40
Ó
‰ œj œ
œ
3
— 199 —
!
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
..
VAMP
!
..
— 200 —
51
&
53
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
# œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
3
61
65
3
a
54
&
#
It's such a
3
chore
to
3
‰ œ œ œ œ bœ œ
3
And you're try - ing
to
sit
in
&
#
and search - ing
a
room by
your - self,
one
find
an
op - en - ing
nug - get, that one
line
or
just
a
bit
3
# ¿
&
# 4 œ œ œ œ œ œ
play's
4
¿
¿
got - ta
3
3
¿
right?
3
¿
¿
be
in
3
a
brill - iant
just hate
it.
i - dea and your pac - ing
of
60
di - vine
3
3
¿
3
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
it, you're rea - dy
3
to start,
j
¿
so
62
3
¿
i - am - bic
3
that
3
3
3
3
j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Wrong! You're
¿
the
j
œ
in - ter - ven - tion
lit - tle spark then Eu - re - ka! You find
¿
&
3
I
58
3
# ¿ ¿3 ¿ ¿
&
God,
3
3
3
j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ ‰
3
¿
for
3
lit - tle
my
56
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ¿ ¿
3
oh
3
3
3
3
j œ3
œ œ
œ œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
# œ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿3 ¿ Œ
&
now you can write,
63
3
3
# ¿ ‰3 ¿ ¿ ¿3 ¿ Œ ¿j ¿ ¿3 ¿ ¿ ¿3 ¿ ¿ ¿3 ¿ ¿ ¿3 ¿ ¿ ¿3 ‰
&
floor
59
3
52
that wri - ting's de - mand - ing, it's men - tal - ly chal - leng - ing, and it's
3
57
3
œ œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ œ ¿ ¿ ¿
3
peo - ple just don't un - der - stand is
bore!
55
3
not
e - ven close, you
¿
¿
3
3
66
¿
¿
pen - ta - me - ter.
œ œ œ œ œ œ
re - mem - ber
your
‰ œ œ
2Œ
4
3
it,
3
64
œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
that damn
So
3
4
4
you
3
œ œ œ œ œ œ
write down a word, but it's NOT the right word, so you TRY a new word, but you HATE the new word, then you
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
67
&
# œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
3
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
3
3
NEED a good word, but you CAN'T find the
word.
68
— 201 —
œ œ œ
œ œ œ
3
Oh,
what is
it? Where is
VALET: You asked for information on what
Nicholas Bottom is writing. Our spy is here with news.
SHAKESPEARE: Did he see me losing it?
VALET: He's half blind, sir.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, good. Then he only saw half
of it. Ha ha, see what I did? Speak, man. What news?
69
&
#
U "
..
!
71
!
70
!
72
4X
œ œ œ
3
3
œ œ œ
3
it? Where is
it? What is
it?
EYEPATCH MAN: I saw Nick Bottom,
I did. He paid a soothsayer to foresee
what Shakespeare's greatest play would be.
SHAKESPEARE: <GASP> That sneaky
little thief! Why doesn't he come up with
his own idea!? [GO ON]
.. .. Ó
!
73
VAMP
Œ
‰ œœœ ..
(last x) J
BARD BOYS:
It's
74
&
#
SHAKESPEARE:
!
75
3
‰ œj œ n œ œ b œ
Œ
It's
# œ
& œœ Œ Ó
76
&
&
80
&
# œ
Ó
#
#
It's
3
3
78
It's
3
# œ
& œœ
hard!
to
Œ
3
Hard
Ó
hard!
3
to al - lev - i - ate
Œ
the
Ó
hard!
3
do some - thing as good as
Ó
I
79
‰ n Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Hard
why
3
œ ˙
‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
Œ
Œ
3
did - n't think of that first.
Ó
Makes me won - der
j
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
Œ
‰œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
real - ly the worst.
hard!
77
‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Œ
the
81
pres - sure to cre - ate,
Ó
j
œ
‰ œœ
Œ
nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
last thing
3
I
Ó
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
It's
3
did that was al - rea - dy great.
Œ
j
œ
‰ œœ
It's
— 202 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
# œ œ œ
J
&
82
Ó
3
&
It's hard!
3
3
Œ ‰ œ œ œ œJ # œ œ œ œ Œ
Ó
84
# œœ
œ
3
3
So hard that he
is
&
&
# Ó
All that
3
I need is
˙œ
˙
Œ
86
cle - ver dis - guise.
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
I'll make him pay for
œœ œœ œœœ # œœœ
œ nœ
3
Œ
˙˙
˙
#œ
Ooh
3
3
a
hoist him by his pe - tard.
steal - ing from the Bard.
# œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
3
Well, I'll
j 3 j j 3 j
‰ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ # œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
hard!
85
83
Œ
3
his
de - vi - ous lies.
n œœ œ œœ
œ
3
Œ
Cle - ver dis - guise.
3
3
3
3
j
j
j
# ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ #œ #œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ ˙ .
&
3
87
De - vi - ous
3
3
3
88
Let him do all the te - di - ous stuff,
&
# œœœ
Œ
&
work
˙œ
˙
Ó
lies.
&
the
89
that's ter - ri - bly and
un - bear - a - bly
˙˙
˙
#œ
www
Ooh,
#
2
#
2
hard.
Ah!
92
Ó
90-91
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
‰ œ œ
Œ
3
'Cause it's
!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
93
&
# ˙.
˙.
‰ œ œ
˙.
‰ œ œ
hard.
'Cause it's hard.
'Cause it's hard.
3
3
94
It's hard it's tot - al - ly hard
&
#
3
3
j 3 j 3 œ
Œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ n œœœ œœœ b œœ
for - tune
and fame
j 3 j 3 œ
Œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ n œœœ œœœ b œœ
It's hard it's tot - al - ly hard
œ œ œ
œ œ
œ nœ œ œ œ ¿ ¿
3
3
ev - 'ry - one knows my name
‰œ œ
3
95
3
3
3
3
# Œ œj œ œj œ œ œ œœ
œœ œœ œœ œœ n œœ œœ b œ
&
96
— 203 —
3
I
can't
I've got
It's hard it's tot - al - ly hard
97
3
3
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Œ
help it, it's still frig - gin' hard.
Hard to Be the Bard (Playoff)
TACET
#12—Hard to Be the Bard
12A
— 204 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
13
It's Eggs
1
5
Bright 4 (q = 138)
#
& 4 ..
#
4
!
¿
¿
It's
eggs,
woo!
# œ œœ œœ
& œ
Œ
œœ
&
œœ
&
#
grid - dle,
whipped up and
œœ
œœ œœ œœ œ
œ
Throw
some
fix - ins
œœ
9
It's
cook-ing on the
4
œœ
6
eggs!
in
œœ œœ œœ
7
the
mid - dle
beat - en?
It's
‰ Jœœ œœ œœ
so good for
¿
¿
j
¿ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
It's
eggs,
woo! I
NICK:
10
see
with - in
this
fluf - fy fold,
the
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ #œ . œ œ . œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ
J
12
scram - bled na - ture of my soul.
# Œ
& w
TROUPE:
14
3
What's that
eat - in'.
11
TROUPE:
¿
eggs!
8
.. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ Œ œœ
2
Om
˙. ˙
Om
Om
15
Œ
w
Om
I'm
13
crack - ing up
˙. ˙
Om
Om
16
as I
be - gin
Œ #˙ . ˙
w
Om
Om
Om
Portia Incidental
TACET
#13—It’s Eggs
to
see
the bits of
17
œœ œ Œ
œ œœ
me with - in this
Ó
Om - 'lette
13A
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 205 —
14
We See the Light
4
Light 4 (q = 140)
PORTIA: Maybe it doesn't have to. Maybe we can write a different ending.
b
&b 4
5
&
9
4
1-4
bb ‰ œ œ œ
PORTIA:
‰œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œœœ ˙
œ œ œ
6
7
8
I'm tired of list - 'ning to the same sad sto - ry.
b
& b ‰œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
10
How lov - ers fail be - cause it's
œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œj œ ‰ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ
J
11
12
The feud - ing fam - 'ly plot is start - ing to bore me.
13
b
&b Œ œ œ œ œœ
14
15
œ œ œ œ œ
It may take a lit - tle more per - suad - ing.
17
b
&b ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
I
20
&
bb ¿
love
have
no
writ - ten in the stars.
doubt their doubts will
I'm think - ing we
can show 'em that's not who we are.
‰œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œœ ˙
16
For those who think it's bet - ter
18
œ
soon
œ œ œ
be
19
that we are a - part.
‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
fad - ing,
We'll show 'em
poco rit.
¿ ¿ ¿
finds
a
way!
Œ
21
Œ
œ œ œ
E - ven
though
‰ œj œ
#14—We See the Light
22
I
know
how
3
œ
œ
˙
what
they'll
say.
‰ ¿
J
true
— 206 —
23
&
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
A little bit slower, a lot more judgement (q = 120)
bb
PURITANS:
œ
No,
b œ
&b œ
No,
27
œ nœ
no,
24
œ
that
won't
œœ # œœ
œœ
˙˙
.
no,
won't
do,
that
œ Œ
˙
do,
25
29
let the De - vil win.
you
Slower (q = 110)
&
####
&
#### ˙
PORTIA: But then, they'll hear the words of
truth you're written from your heart!
31
36
41
!
cure,
32
Ó
œ
for
'tis
plans
for
that won't
no,
NIGEL:
Œ œ
love
38
on - ly
˙
love
is
34
a
w
#
nn## #
œw œ œ ˙
#
nn## #
do
œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ
J
39
that I
know
35
sick - ness
œ œ œ œ œ
rit.
Œ
do
that won't
3 œ . œj œ
4
œœ
you.
30
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
No,
˙˙
˙.
for
œ œ œ œ
œ Œ
you.
œœœ
plans
˙˙ .
33 Con moto, in '1' (h. = 70)
U
œ œ œ
has
No, no,
let the De - vil win.
If
37
œœ
œœœ # n œœ
œ
God
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œj œ œ œ œ
b
& b œ œ œ œ œ œJ œœ œœ œœ œœœ œœ Œ
If you live in sin,
has
œœœ
œ Œ
28
you
œœ œ
nœ
God
b
j
& b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ œœ Œ
œ
If you live in sin,
œœ
26
to
40
be
U
then
˙.
pure.
,
find
me
nnnn 4
4
PURITANS: Awww...
PORTIA: Then they'll...
70's Pop (q = 110)
no
j
& 4 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ‰ œj œ œ œ œœ œ b œ œ œ œ .
4
PORTIA:
42
think a - bout
&4 Ó
4
&4 Ó
4
PURITANS:
it...
43
And pray a - bout
Œ¿
Ó
Œ¿
Ó
Hmm...
Hmm...
it...
44
then their hearts will o - pen! ...and they'll be sing - in' a diff- 'rent tune.
Œ¿
!
Œ¿
!
Yeah...
Ó
Œ
‰j
œ
We
Yeah...
#14—We See the Light
Ó
Œ
‰ Jœ
We
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
45
& œ ‰ œj œ Œ
see
the light,
see
the light,
46
Ó
Œ
‰ j
œ
— 207 —
œ ‰ œj œ Œ
47
48
Ó
Œ‰ j
œ
'cause
we
were blind.
We're
'cause
we
were blind, but you showed us
œœ ‰ œj œœ ‰ œ œ . œ œ b œ œ . œ œ œ N œœ ‰ œj œœ œ œ œ . œ œ œ ‰ œ
œ J
œ
œ
&
J
49
You changed how
& œ ‰ œj œ Œ
wrong,
you're right,
wrong,
you're
50
we're think - in',
the way. We're
Œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œj œ . œ œ œ
Ó
51
52
if you
do what
is true
to you,
and you do
it
with
is yours if you
do what
is true
to you,
and you do
it
with
b œœ ‰ b œœ œœ ‰ œ œ . œ œ b œ œ . œ œ œ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ b œœ œj œœ .. œœ œœ œœ
œ
&
J
J
53
right,
Sal - va - tion
+NIGEL (Ten) /PORTIA (Melody)
##
& œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ œ . œ œ œ œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ ˙
.
.
54
55
56
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Yeah,
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Yeah,
˙
œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ " œ ‰ j " œ ‰ j
œœ " œ ‰ j œ " œ ‰ j
Œ
œ
œ
œ œ œœ œ œœ œœ Œ ˙
& œ œ œ œ œ œ
.
.
57
&
## ‰ .
&
##
NIGEL:
PORTIA:
r
¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ œ
Your fa - ther!
œ
(Fall Off)
Yeah,
œ œ œ
58
he's a
hard
œ
man
œ œ
to
be
j
œ œ " ¿ ¿
R
moved,
Œ
Ó
!
Œ
Ó
!
Oh!
# œ
& # œ
Oh!
#14—We See the Light
and he'll
##
¿
say:
— 208 —
59
62
&
&
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
## ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
JEREMIAH:
This is
##
¿¿ ¿
j
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ œœ
‰
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
nœ œ œ œ
PORTIA:
60
un - ac - cept - a - ble,
61
I
do not ap - prove.
r
œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰. œ œ œ œ œ
63
heart is gon - na sing.
& œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ Nœ œ œ
3
3
&Ó
PURITANS:
&Ó
3
66
love is loved pure - ly, then
let
˙
˙
# ˙˙
˙˙
Ooh
œ œ œ œ œ
And he'll love you
65
me o - pine,
Ooh
when you do
3
‰ œJ œ b œ œ œ
67
That
&Ó
You've changed how
If
œ
68
di
-
vine.
now...
Yeah!
Go on, do it!
Go on,
do it right
now...
Yeah!
¿ ¿‰ ¿ ¿‰ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
J
I'm think - in'
he's think - in'
he's think - in'
'cause
œœœ Œ Ó
œ
‰œ œ œœœ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
J
72
'cause I was
'cause
I
œœ Œ Ó
do it right
71
His
JEREMIAH:
œ Nœ Œ Œ ‰ œ
J
3
blind but you showed me
œ ‰ œj œ Œ
j
Œ ‰ œJ œ . œ œ b œ œ . œ œ œ N œœ ‰ œœ œœ Œ
You've changed how
thing.
Go on,
Œ ‰ j œ. œ œ œ œ. œ œ
œ
œ
You've changed how
&Ó
your
Go on, do it!
70
ver,
j ‰ Œ Œ ‰ œj n n
œ
j
¿ ¿‰ ¿ ¿‰ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ
œ
œ
bœ .
.
& ‰ œJ ‰ œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ
the light.
-
PORTIA: Go on, do it.
Do it right now.
NIGEL:
Do it.
64
all love is sure - ly
69
see
But, I know you'll win him o
he
he
the way. I'm
!
was blind.
was blind.
#14—We See the Light
!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
73
&
bœ
wrong,
‰ œAœ
J
He's wrong,
Sal - vat - ion
is
yours if you
76
do what
is true to you,
And you do it
with
you're right, Sal - vat - ion
is yours if you
do what
is true to you,
And you do it
with
you're right, Sal - vat - ion
is
do what
is true to you,
And you do it
with
j
‰ Jœ A œœ œ b œœ .. œœ œœ b œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ b œœ œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ
bœ
& ‰ œJ œ
He's wrong,
&
75
‰ j œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œj œ . œ œ œ
œ
& ‰ œj œ
77
‰ œ œ . œ œ b œ œ . œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ Jœ œ . œ œ œ
J
74
you're right.
— 209 —
yours if you
œ " œ ‰ j œ. " œ ‰ œj œ Œ œ . œ œ œ œ " œ ‰ j œ. " œ ‰ œj œ Œ œ . œJ
œ
œ
JEREMIAH:
78
79
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
80
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Oh,
& œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ œ . œ œ œ œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ Ó
.
.
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
œœ " œ ‰ j œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ " œ ‰ j œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ Ó
œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
&
.
.
81
œ
& œ œ ‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
82
Breth - er - en,
&
I say un - to you,
&
I say, Who are we to judge these two?
(Slide up)
PURITANS:
84
83
Œ ‰ œj œ Œ
!
!
Œ " œ œ œ . œ œ . œ œJ œ Jœ œ Œ Ó
!
Say what?
j(Slide up)
Œ ‰ œœ œœ Œ
Say what?
#14—We See the Light
Œ œ
œ
¿ ¿.
So true, Preach it!
!
Œ œœ œœ ¿ ¿ .
So true, Preach it!
— 210 —
85
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
&‰ œ œ
He's a wri - ter,
he's do - ing what he can,
&Ó
Œ
She's the daugh - ter of
‰ œ œ œj ‰
Œ
‰ œœ œœ œœJ ‰
Œ
What he
&Ó
87
‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ
86
Œ
What he
a preach - er man.
Œ
¿
can.
Whoo!
Œ
¿
can.
Whoo!
j
œ œ œ bœ œ nœ œ œ Œ ‰ œ
& "œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ
R
J
88
89
And they got the right, They got the right,
They got the right, to be to - geth - er. I
!
‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ .
&
need no fur - ther proof,
these
!
They got the right, to be to - geth - er.
&Ó
90
œ.
‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œ .
J
They got the right,
& bœ œ nœ œ œ Ó
They got the right, to be to - geth - er.
!
91
words they speak the truth.
& Ó
Œ
Œ
92
œ. œ œ œ œ
Set
‰ œ œ œ. œ œ. œ œ œ
And the truth
& Ó
!
will set
you free,
œ
œ. œ.
‰ œœ œœ œ . œœ œ . œœ œœ œ
And the truth
will set
you free,
#14—We See the Light
˙
˙˙
you
œ Œ
free!
Œ
œ œ
When you
Œ
œœ œœ
When you
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
93
!
&
NICK:
!
94
95
NIGEL:
¿ Œ ¿ Œ
Wait!
j
& œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ. œ œ œ
do
what
is true
to you,
and
you do
it
97
&
what
##
is true
to you,
and
you do
it
##
NICK:
96
¿ Œ Ó
Read!
Awww..
!
Ó
Yay!
!
##
¿ Œ
Ó
with
Yay!
nœ
œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ œ . œ œ œ œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ Œ
.
.
PURITANS:
98
##
¿ Œ
with
j
œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ b œœ œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ
&
do
— 211 —
99
100
. œ
J
(Slide Up)
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Yeah
we
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Do
it
with
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
Yeah
we
œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ œ j œ j
.
# œœ œ j œ j
" œ ‰ œ œœ " œ ‰ œœ œœ Œ n œ œJ
& # " œ ‰ œ œœ. " œ ‰ œœ œœ Œ
.
&
101
##
œ ‰ œj œ ‰ œj œ . œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ ‰ œj œ
œ
102
see
&
# # œœ
see
103
œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ ‰ œj
104
the light,
you've changed how we're think - in'
'cuz we
were blind.
but you showed us
the way.
We're
the light,
you've changed how we're think - in'
'cuz we
were blind.
but you showed us
the way.
We're
‰ œœ œœ ‰ œJ œ . œ œ n œ œ . œ œ œ œœ ‰ Jœ œœ
J
#
& # ‰ œjœ ‰ œj œ
Œ
#
œ
œ
& # ‰ œJ œ ‰ œJ œ
Œ
We see
the light
PURITANS (ECHO):
We see
the light
œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ ‰ œ
J
see the light
‰ œjœ
‰ œj œ
Œ
We
œ œœ Œ
n œœ
œœ œœ œœ Œ
see the light
œ
‰ œœ œ
J
Œ nœ œ . œ œ œ
We
œ
‰ Jœ œ
œ
'cuz we
'cuz we
#14—We See the Light
were blind
were blind
œ œ . œ œnœ
You showed us
You showed us
we're
we're
— 212 —
&
105
##
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
j
‰ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œj œ . œ œ œ
œ ‰ œj œ
wrong, you're
106
right.
# # n œœ ‰ œ N œœ
&
J
wrong, you're right.
107
Sal - va - tion
is yours
Sal - va - tion
is
‰ œj œ
Œ
# # œ n œœ
‰ œJ œœ
Œ n œœ
&
&
109
do what
is true to you,
And you do it
with
yours if you
do what
is true to you,
And you do it
with
Sal - va - tion!
you're right.
do what
œœ œ œ
œ
is true to you,
do what
is true to you,
SOLO 1 (FEMALE):
##
!
110
‰
#
& # œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ
.
Luh
# # œœ
Luh
-
uh
-
uh - uh
-
uh
-
-
uh
-
uh - uh
-
uh
-
with
And you do it
with
œ
œ œ œ
œ œ œ
œ œ
Yeah,
I
in
of love!
(ad lib.)
be - lieve
Œ
Ó
Œ
Ó
ove.
j
" œœ ‰ œj œœ " œœ ‰ œœ œœ
.
And you do it
œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ n œœ œ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ
œ
J
Sal - va - tion!
ALL PURITANS:
&
j
œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ .œ œ œ
œ nœ œ œ
you're right.
wrong,
if you
‰ œJ n œœ .. œœ œœ n œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ‰ n œœ œœ œœ .. œœ œœ œœ
J
#
& # œœ
wrong,
108
ove.
#14—We See the Light
the pow'r
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
&
111
SOLO 2 (MALE):
## ˙
Ó
112
‰ œ œ
œ
(ad lib.)
œ œ
I've been changed,
#
& # œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ
.
— 213 —
œ
œ œ
I've been changed,
Œ
Ó
Œ
Ó
œ
I've been changed
œ
by
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
# # œœ " œ ‰ j œ " œ ‰ œj œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
&
.
Luh - uh - uh - uh - uh - ove.
## ˙
&
SOLO 3 (MALE):
Ó
113
114
" œ œ œ œ
œ
And what we need
is
(ad lib.)
love!
#
& # œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj
.
Luh
-
uh
-
uh - uh
-
uh
-
ove.
# # œœ " œ ‰ j œ " œ ‰ œj
œ
œ œ
œ
œ
&
.
Luh
&
115
##
-
uh
-
uh - uh
-
uh
-
Pure
œœ
˙˙
Œ
Pure
SOLO 4 (FEMALE):
!
116
‰ œ œ œ œœœ
#
& # œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj ˙
.
Luh - uh - uh - uh
&
ove.
˙
Œ
œ
˙
# # œœ
-
-
Can you feel
Œ
!
117
it?
Œ
uh - ove.
j
" œœ ‰ œj œœ " œœ ‰ œœ ˙˙
.
Luh - uh - uh - uh
(ad lib.)
Œ
uh - ove.
#14—We See the Light
‰ œj œ ‰ œj œ Œ
We
see
the light!
‰ œœ
J
see
the light!
We
œœ
‰ œœ œœ Œ
J
— 214 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
14A
We See the Light (Playoff)
1
70's Pop (q = 110) 2
&4
4
!
PURITANS:
&4
4
4
3
Luh
!
-
uh
-
uh - uh
Luh
-
uh
-
uh - uh
& œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ
.
-
uh
-
uh - uh
-
uh
-
-
uh
-
uh
-
uh - uh
-
uh
-
-
uh
-
Œ
ove.
j
j
œ
& œ " œœ ‰ œ œœ " œœ ‰ œœ œœ
.
Luh
-
poco rit.
œœ œœ œœ
3
ove.
it
#14A—We See the Light (Playoff)
it
with
œœ
œ
Œ
Ó
love!
TACET
Do
Ó
Do
Portia and Nigel Kiss
with
Œ
œœ œœ3 œœ
œ œ œ
with
it
œœ
love!
it
with
6
Do
œœ .. œœ œœ œœ
Œ
ove.
Do
Œ
œ. œ œ œ
ove.
œœ " œ ‰ j œ " œ ‰ œj œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
.
5
Luh
Œ
œ " œ ‰ œj œ " œ ‰ œj œ
.
14B
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 215 —
15
Nigel's Theme
BROTHER JEREMIAH: You will tempt my daughter no more.
She will be locked in the church tower,
and there she will stay until
her exile to our brethren in Scotland.
Agitato (h. = 60)
#### 3
&
PORTIA: No!!!!
####
NIGEL: And I–
&
6
&
11
&
4
&
21
&
&
NIGEL: I will, I promise!
PORTIA: I love you!
A-D
#### nœ
rit.
œ
˙.
#### œ
#### œ
4
BROTHER JEREMIAH: I am warning you, boy! Leave her be - or you will pay dearly.
is
#### œ
œ
œ
cruel?
And
œ
œ
be
˙
12
so
˙˙˙ ..
˙ .
7
œ
œ œ
pen
my
#### œ
speak
for
œ
for
œ
22
my
œ
my
8
Ó
œ
Oh
13
œ œ œ
my
des - ti
j
œ œ
one
and
˙.
9
NIGEL:
14
19
my
!
..
œ
œ
what
good
is
ny
is to
be
œ
œ
œ
ly
com
on
-
..
!
˙.
..
28
œ œ.
J
24
rit.
-
!
2X
!
soul.
#15—Nigel’s Theme
..
rit.
œ
pa
-
25
U
when
˙
œ œ
fool
If my
16
for - tune's
20
œ
li - ving
15
soul
27
10
œœ œ œ œ
˙
VAMP
23
œ
NIGEL: Portia...
[GO m.6]
U
I
œ.
18
Slow Waltz (h. = 50)
speak
26
PORTIA: Write what you feel, Nigel.
E-H
life
17
4
NIGEL: Portia!!!!
U
œ
œ œ
nion
Let
Œ
2
29-30
Œ
it
œ œ
Let
it
4
4
— 216 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Relaxed (q = 100)
#### 4 j œ ˙
&
œ œ J
31
4
35
Sure as
39
the day
#### j
j Œ
&
œ
œ
œ
œ
This much I
&
####
rit.
know.
œ œ œ ˙
to
32
3
thine own
self
j
œ œ
œ ˙
J
fol - lows the night,
36
j Œ
j
œ
œ
œ
œ
37
This much is true.
40
2˙
4
be
j
œ œ
œ œ
J J œ
œ nw
J
sure as
the sky turns
to
33
34
blue.
œ n˙
œ œ œ œ œ œ œJ Jœ
3
3
38
A - bove all else in what - e - ver
41
Slow Waltz (h. = 50)
3
Œ Œ
œ
4
true.
#15—Nigel’s Theme
you do,
3
42-44
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 217 —
16
To Thine Own Self Be True
NICK: I am reading and where's the omelette?
NIGEL: There is no omelette.
NICK: What do you mean there's no omelette, there has to be an omelette.
NIGEL: Why? [GO m. 2]
2
Moderato (q = 126)
&b 4
4œ
5
15
NICK: Because it's called Omelette!
‰
‰ œ
‰ œ
œ
NICK: It just... does, okay?
You have to trust me on this.
NIGEL: He's not hearing me.
& b ..
& b .. ˙˙˙˙ ....
3
j œ œJ œ Œ
b
& œ
Sure as
23
the day
j
j
&b œ œ œ œ Œ
This much
2X
œ œ œ
I
know
NIGEL: Why does it have to be called Omelette?
3
œ œ œ
œ œ
..
17
‰
20
œ
œ
4
Œ
‰
3X
ROBIN: Just read it!
NIGEL: Okay, fine...
14
˙˙˙˙
œ
foll - ows
˙˙˙˙
œ œ œ œ
the night
j
j
œ œ œ œ Œ
This much
œ
‰
œ
3
3
œ œ
œ œ œ
#œ
‰ .. wwww
j ‰
‰
J
NIGEL (cont.): And I made a promise to write what I feel... and here it is...
j
œ œ œJ œ Œ
24
Œ
œ
‰
3
NIGEL:
19
.. ..
œ
NIGEL: Something happened last night...
3
FRANCIS: Just read him what you wrote...
NIGEL: Why? He won't listen.
SHAKESPEARE: I should really take these
13
before this turns ugly...
2X
j Ó
œ.
‰ ‰
3
is
true
18
œ œ œ
3
21
œœœœ
œ
j œ Jœ œ œ œ b œ Œ Ó
œ
J
J
22
sure as
25
˙˙˙˙ ..
˙ . ..
the sky turns
to
blue.
j
j œ bœ Œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œJ Jœ
3
A - bove all else in
#16—To Thine Own Self Be True
26
what - ev - er
you do
— 218 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
NIGEL:
TROUPE:
27
&b œ œ œ ˙
3
To
thine
own
28
˙
& b œœ œœ œœœ ˙˙
thine
˙
self
˙˙˙
3
To
˙
own
self
œ
29
be
true
b ˙˙˙
œœ
be
&b Ó
‰
3
3
Œ Œ
32
œ œ œ œ œ
œ
3
&b ˙
‰
3
3
36
œ œ œ
œ œ
Œ
33
j
34
œ œ.
˙
37
‰œœœ
3
3
‰
œ œ
œ œ œ
Ó
˙
NIGEL: Ugh...this is hopeless! [GO ON]
53
& b .. wwww
56
TEN 1
TEN 2
SAFETY
&b œ œ
3
Sure as the day
Œ œ œ œ œ Œ
57
3
foll - ows the night
3
Sure as the day
j
œ.
œ œ œ œ #œ
3
3
œ
œ œ ˙
‰
œ œ œ
œ œ œ
œ
œ œ
& b œœ œœ œ œœ Œ œ œœ œ œ Œ
3
BAR 1
BAR 2
Ó
œœ
œ
54
..
!
Ó
Œ
3
œ œ œ
NIGEL: I do! NICK: Okay, well I don't!
3
42
œ œ œ
œ œ
Œ
œ
Ó
FRANCIS: You really should listen, Nick. It just makes your heart wanna soar!
3
3
.. ˙˙
˙
œ œ
‰
38
NICK: Then you are a fool if you think life is that simple!
NIGEL: That's not just a line, it's what I believe.
3
40
41
39
3
3
&b ˙
2X
..
Ó
..
!
NICK: Really? So my idea is wrong but this whole "true to yourself" thing is right?
Œ Ó
œ
..
Ó
NICK: Exactly! But there's no ham, no eggs.
You're completely ignoring the breakfast theme!
œ œ œ
NIGEL: I'm ignoring the breakfast theme because its rediculous!
35
Œ
true
SHAKESPEARE: I don't know, I thought the whole breakfast theme
was really strong. Everyone loves breakfast.
31
FRANCIS: It's like good line
and good adivce!
30
TOM: I love that!
foll - ows the night
58
55
œœ
œ
œ
œ œ œ œœ
œ œ œ
3
œ œ 3 œ b˙
œ
œ
œ
59
Sure as the sky turns to
œœ œœ 3œ œœ
œ
œœ œ
œ
3
Sure as the sky turns to
#16—To Thine Own Self Be True
blue.
œ
œœ
J
˙
˙˙ b ˙˙
˙
blue.
‰
3
4
3
4
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
(h.=h)
60
&b 3
!
NIGEL:
4
61
œ œ œ
This much
I
œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ Œ Œ
J
4
&b 3
This
much
I
know,
j
& b 3 œœ œ ‰ œ œ Œ Œ
4
66
This
much
I
know,
bœ œ
& b Œ Œ ‰ œJ 2
4
67
Re
-
mem - ber
œœ œœ ‰ œœ 2 œœ Œ
b
J
&
ev - er
you
4
do,
œ ‰ œ 2 bœ Œ
&b œ
J 4
ev - er
you
do,
70
&b
œ
Œ
˙
be
œ
&b œ
Œ
œ
&b œ
Œ
self
˙
71
˙.
63
know,
œ œ œ
this much
64
is
this
much
is
much
is
4 ˙.
4
true.
A - bove all
œœ œ œ
true.
A - bove all
Œ
68
69
Ó
bw
3
To
thine own
true.
˙
w
else
in
what -
else
in
what -
j
œ œ ‰ œ
thine own self
œ œ œ
self
To
b œw b œ œ ˙
3
4 œ œ œ ˙
4
3
To thine own self
To
poco rit.
72
‰
œœ œœ ‰ œœ
J
3
œ œ bœ
4 Ó
4
˙.
bœ bœ œ ˙
To
true.
˙
65
œœ œœ œœ
j
œœ œ ‰ œœ œ Œ Œ
this
˙.
true.
œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ Œ Œ
J
w
be
be
62
— 219 —
thine own self
U
w
œœ
œœ b œœ
b œœ œœ U̇˙ ..
To
thine
self
own
true.
#16—To Thine Own Self Be True
U
w
be
true.
3
thine own
— 220 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
16A
To Thine Own Self (Part 2)
NICK: So, what'll it be guys? You wanna do something "meaningful" and "artistic"?
TROUPE: Yeah! Totally! Yes!
NICK: OR - Do you want to be in a massive hit and actually make some money?
TROUPE: Yes! [GO MUSIC]
88
91
3
Triumphant (q = 124)
&
# 4
&
# 2 Œ
4
NICK: Then lets serve them what they're hungry for: Omelette, the musical!
85-87
89
3
j
j
j
j
j
‰ # œ 4 œ œ n œ œ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ œ œ œj œ
4
NICK:
4
3
We're
on
our
way
3
3
3
to
glo - ry,
90
we'll
play
3
3
3
# œ œj œ œj œ j 3 œ œ 3 œ œ 3 œ ˙
J J
&
œ œ J
92
there
&
and then
#
you'll see
the end
will
!
jus - ti - fy
Ó
93
&b
!
&b œ œ
3
œ œ
Sure as the day
!
96
3
œœ 3 œœ œœ 3 œœ ˙˙
œ
œ
œ
ΠJ
J b œ œJ œ Jœ ˙
Œ
œ œ œ œ Œ
Fol - lows the night
will
jus - ti - fy
nb
the means
œ œ œ3 œ b w
œ
œ
3
Sure - ly
3
and
nb
w
3
The end
95
and queens
j
Œ œ
3
the means
TROUPE:
94
for kings
2
4
97
we must see this
!
through
Œ bœ œ œ œ œ œ
J
#16A—To Thine Own Self Be True (Part 2)
3
3
O - kay if you say so
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
98
&b œ œ œ œ Œ
3
Damned if
I
99
don't
3
j
œ bœ Œ
œ œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
3
3
Damned if
Π&b Ó
— 221 —
I
do
3
100
But damn
it
I
ΠÓ
Don't!
lux - u - ry
to
!
Do!
3
&b
don't have the
!
3
3
3
b
œ
œ
b
œ
œ
œ
œ bœ ˙
b
œ
œ
œ
œ
&
œ œ
œ
103
102
3
101
104
Hang all my hope on some
sim - pli - stic trope like
!
!
˙ ˙
105
To thine own self
Ó
self
w
be
true.
be
true
3
˙ b ˙˙
œ œ bœ
To thine own
106
To Thine Own Self (Playoff)
TACET
#16A—To Thine Own Self Be True (Part 2)
ww
w
107
˙. Œ
˙˙ ..
˙. Œ
16B
— 222 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
16C
Right Hand Man (Reprise)
BEA: ...taking all our savings from the money box...
NIGEL: What?
BEA: Oh yeah. Still trying to figure out how that love poem
is going to end. [GO m. 1]
b
& b bbb 4
Slow 4, Rubato
1
3
...But what stops us from walking out on him? I think it's because you know, like I know...
!
4
2
Ó
BEA:
Œ
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
If
j j
œ œ œ œ ˙
e - ver got in trou - ble he would be there on the dou - ble just to bail you out
7
11
4
18
5
6
you
Ó Œ œ œ
If there's
j
œ
œ
œœœ œ ˙ .
œ
j
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
an - y - thing you lack you know he's al - ways got your back that's what he's all a - bout
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
8
9
12
13
b
& b bbb œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ
And he
Œ
10
b
& b b b b ‰ " œ œ œ œ b œ œ œ . œj œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ .
He has his faults but he means well
15
œ
œ
14
al - ways does the best that he can
‰œ œ
˙
œ œ œ œ œ œ
should be un - der - stood I would - n't change him if I could 'Cause I know his heart is good
16
b
& b bbb ˙
bb
&b b b
Œ
œ œ
And he'll
19
œ œ œ œ
˙
œ œ œ
œal - ways
be your right
17
20
˙
3
BEA: He can't do this without you. Maybe it's time for you to carry him for a bit.
22-24
#16C—Right Hand (Reprise)
˙
hand
21
w
man
NIGEL: Okay, I will.
But it
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 223 —
17
Something Rotten!
1
Triumphantly (q = 110)
U
&6
!.
4
8
11
14
&
&
&
&
bœ bœ œ nw
bœ
nw
bœ > œ >
>
(swung)
5
>
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
#
#
œ œ
Œ
rot - ten.
‰ œ
œ œ
bœ
# .
.
6
Œ
œ œ
9
There's some - thing
œ œ Œ
3
Brighter (q = 130)
!
7
Now the
12
NICK:
Ó
‰ œ
10
rot - ten.
œ œ
J
king - dom
You can smell
œ œ ‰ œ œ
J
is
shot
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
Hea - ven
help
us
there
is
some - thing
&
Relaxed (q = 108)
4
4
!
.
œ œ .
(2x only)
œ œ Œ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
NICK: My father newly dead and the funeral boiled eggs now coldly
furnish forth the marriage table. Methinks another chef might have...
###
‰
j
¿
There's some - thing
15
œ
and
it's
j
œ ‰ Œ
rot
it,
13
-
you can
œ œ
J
all gone
Œ
œ
j
œ Jœ ‰ Œ
tell
it's some - thing
to
pot.
NICK: Frailty, thy
name is egg. [MUSIC OUT]
U
!
27
ten!
17A
Intro to Omelette
12
[FLAPS]
4
+SHAKESPEARE
ROYAL FAMILY
rot - ten.
#
>œ U>˙˙
b
œ
n
œ
4 b œ œ # œ n œ œœœ ‰ ˙˙
nœ
4 b >œ b >œ
> n >œ J
>œ # >œ 3
3
3
2
NICK: (in the clear)
Alas poor yolk,
I know thee well.
...whisked our disparate eggs together - as one.
SHAKESPEARE (TOBY): Pray, nephew what dost thou mean?
NICK: Well, I’ll tell you...
6
13-18
#17—Something Rotten!
19
Ó
U
NICK:
Œ "œ œ œ
The fruit of
— 224 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
18
Make an Omelette
Rubato, but keep it moving! (q = 120)
# # # 4 NICK:
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ‰ œ œ ˙
&
J
4
2
1
3
life can't al - ways taste like sweet per - sim - mons,
5
8
11
14
&
###
&
### ˙ .
&
###
&
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
But when life
has hand - ed
œ œ œ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
J
7
lem - ons,
Then hand it back a mug of
lem - on -
‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ œ
‰ " œj
œ
œ
œ
œ
a tempo
My
10
fath - er
said this
to
me,
that he
did, and then he blew
me
a -
poco rit.
Œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œœ œ œ œ œ
12
13
œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
with wis - dom sim - ple
### œ œ
make of
wine
˙
life
from
and con - cise.
‰ Jœ œ œ œ œ
˙
He said, "Eg - bert,
15
it.
So
#
j
œ
& # œ œ œ œ J
&
Some - times it's hard to swal - low, I'm a - fraid.
9
ade.
way
##
Ó
poco rit.
6
you some
heed
18
22
4
so - ur
j
œ œ
gives you
19
˙
eggs,
ad
w
˙
flat
pan - cake, hey
œ
œ œ œ œ Ó
make
an om
24
-
'lette.
#18—Make an Omelette
‰ œJ œ
2 Ó
2
17
vice.
20
You got a
23
-
Bright Jazz
Swing 8's (h = 96)
n##
U
‰œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
grapes,
œ
J
this sound
16
life is mere - ly what you
21
You
make
#œ œ œ
œ œ œ.
J
Ó
‰ œJ œ
call it
25
a crepe. When
You get
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
26
30
&
## œ
&
##
&
##
34
&
œ œj œ œJ ˙
co - la
from a
˙
j
œ œ
life
œ
J
gives you
&
œ
28
nut,
A dir - ty
31
˙
eggs,
!
worm makes
silk
29
œ
from
#œ œ œ
œ
œ œ œ œ ‰ œ.
make
an om
-
'lette,
œ ‰ œ.
out of his butt.
32
33
om
-
˙
When
‰ œ Jœ
NICK:
'lette.
!
The
so -
‰ œ Jœ
3 CHEFS:
Ó
The
## œ œ œ œ
lu - tion
to
your
lu
to
your
##
tion
œ.
35
œ œ
J
œ
œœ œœ
œ œ
J
œœ
œ
trou
-
bles
trou
-
bles
œ.
b œœ ..
36
œ
œ
ba - con,
make
ba - con,
&
## ˙
&
##
make
-
is
cheese and
ve - ge
-
œœ
œ
œœ
œ
44
Find
!
a - noth - er
way
!
of
45
œœ
œ
Ó
œ œ ‰ œ
J J
ta
-
bles,
and
ta
-
bles,
and
# œœ ..
œ.
œœ œœ œ
œ œ ‰ œ
J J
42
¿ Œ Ó
When it looks like you should quit,
!
yeah!
# œ œ œ œ ‰ œj œ
look - in' at
œ.
so -
¿ Œ ‰ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
J
J
J
yeah!
om - 'lette!
‰ œ Jœ œ œ œ œ
œœ
œ
41
om - 'lette,
an
37
ve - ge
40
an
œ
cheese and
œ . œ œ Œ œ . œ œ Œ # œ . Jœ ˙
J
J
39
œ
is
œœ .. œœ ˙˙
œœ .. œœ œœ
# # N œœ ... œœ œœ
#
.
œ œ œ Œ œ œ œ Œ œ . Jœ ˙
&
J
J
43
œ
!
# # œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ
&
38
‰ œ œ œ œ
27
— 225 —
it,
46
˙
When
life
When
N ˙˙
˙
j
#
œ
‰ œœ œœœ
#18—Make an Omelette
life
j
œ œ
œ
J
gives you
eggs,
gives you
œœœ
J
j
œœ œœœ
œ
eggs,
— 226 —
47
&
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
## œ œ œ
48 3 CHEFS:
œ œ œ
Ó
You got - ta make that...
# œœ œ œ œ
& # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœœ
52
&
Om,
Om,
56
Œ
w œ ˙
˙
&b
œ
.
b
Om,
jœ
œ
J
œ
57
Om,
!
Om,
œ
Om,
Om,
œ
Om,
œ œ
œ œ Ó
Om
-
'lette.
Om,
Om
-
'lette.
‰ œJ
Œ
˙. œ
58
51
Om,
Om, Om,
Om,
œ œ nœ bœ œ œ
œ ‰ Jœ
Ó
Œ
j
˙ . œ œ ‰ œœ œœ œœ Ó
J
Ó
54
Œ œ ˙
w
Om,
b .
&b œ
Om,
Om,
#
& # wŒ œ ˙
50
Œ œ ˙
w
Ó
53
˙
Om,
Om, Om,
˙
Ó
Om,
You got - ta make that...
## Ó
˙
49
œ œ Ó
Om
-
'lette.
Om
-
'lette.
‰ # œœj œœ n œœ Ó
J
œ
œ
œ œ #œ .
!
55
œ >
œœœ n n œœœ
59
nnbb
nn b
b
Œ œ œ Ó
Om - lette!
Œ n œœ œœ Ó
!
Om - lette!
60
b
&b ˙
66
b
&b œ
70
&
j œ œj
œ
61
j j
œ œ œ œ #œ œ
œ
œ
œ
lu - tion
to
your
poo
œ œ
J
bb œ .
-
pi,
67
62
œ œ
œ.
trou
œ
œ œ
J
-
71
-
ca
-
œ
64
‰ j
#œ
œ œ
œ
œ
œ
here
in
Ri - ver
68
right
œ.
‰j
œ
œ
œ
bles
œ
Chi
‰j
NICK: Father!
63
œ ˙
J
go,
#18—Make an Omelette
œ
72
NOSTRADAMUS:
‰ n œj Ó Œ œ œ
œ
œ
>
65
The so -
œ.
69
Ci
#œ .
om
-
-
œ œ
J
ty,
œ ˙
J
'lette,
œ
Shi -
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
73
b N˙
&b
œ œ
Œ
yeah!
76
&
bb œ œ œ œ œ
œ
Find a - no - ther way
of
&
bb
&
79
When
77
74
it
œ œ
J
looks
like
at
it
Find a - no - ther way
of
b
&b ˙
‰ œ œj œœ
‰ œj œ
œ œ
FEMALE ENSEMBLE:
j
n œ œ œ œ ‰ œœ œœ
look - in'
at
it
When
œœ
œœ
œœ n œœ ˙˙
great
big
bowl
of eggs,
b
& b ˙˙
‰ œ œj œœ
œœ
œœ
œœ n œœ ˙˙
b
& b ˙˙
‰ œœ œœ œœ
J
big
bowl
of eggs,
80
Just
78
when
MALE ENSEMBLE:
a
a
a
great
great
œœ
big
œœ
bowl
81
œœ œœ ˙˙
of eggs,
‰ œ.
When
œ œ.
J
should
When
œ
Just
75
you
n œ œ œ œ ‰ œj œ
Ó
ONSTAGE MEN:
b
b œ œ œ œ œ
Just
œ
+ NICK:
look - in'
!
œ.
— 227 —
life
gives you
eggs,
˙˙
j
œœ œœ
gives you
eggs,
gives you
œœ
J
j
œœ œœ
A ˙˙
life
j
œ œ
j
œœ
eggs,
j
œ
˙
life
gives you
eggs,
˙˙
j
œœ œœ
gives you
eggs,
gives you
œœ
J
When
life
‰ n œœ ..
A ˙˙
#18—Make an Omelette
j
œ
˙
‰ œ.
œ.
When
quit
j
œ œ
life
82
˙
life
j
œœ œœ
j
œœ
eggs,
— 228 —
83
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
b
& b œ œœ œœ œœ œœ
You
got - ta
œœ
make
that...
Om
b
& b œœ œ œ œ œ
œ
that...
# œœ
b
& b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œœ
œ
# n œœœ
You
got - ta
You
got - ta
make
make
Om
that...
Om
86
&
&
œœ œœ ˙˙
# œœ
84
˙˙ ..
Œ
nn
-
'lette
˙˙ ..
Œ
nn
-
œœ œœ ˙˙
œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙
˙˙˙ ...
Œ
nn
-
8
85
'lette
'lette
##
86-93
10
##
104
94-103
Slower and Swing it! (q = 150)
&b 4 œ
4
œ
œ
œ
105
œ
œ
3 CHEFS
& NICK:
j
&b ¿ ‰ Œ ¿ ‰ ‰ ¿
111
110
Crack!
Splat!
j
&b ¿ ‰ Œ ¿ ‰ ‰ ¿
Crack!
Splat!
!
œ œ œ œ
!
112
Pzzzzz...
114
&b
nnb 4
Pzzzzz...
115
‰
106
œ bœ œ œ nœ bœ
j
¿ ‰ Œ ¿ ‰ ‰ ¿
Crack!
Œ œ œœ b œœ œ Œ
œ
œ
Make an om - 'lette.
!
#œ
Splat!
107
œ œ œ œ œ #œ œ
113
Œ
Pzzzzz...
4
œ. Œ
œ œ œ œ
Œ
Make an om - 'lette.
j œ œj
¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
(Tap Dancing Eggs. Yes... Tap. Dancing. Eggs.)
116
117
Make an
j œ œj
¿ ¿¿¿¿¿¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
Make an
#18—Make an Omelette
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
œ.
& b #œ .
œœ
œœ œ # œœ ..
‰
nœ
J
J
om
-
'lette
om
make
an
j
œ ‰ œ
& b #œ .
122
œœ
œœ œ
‰
nœ
J
J
119
118
-
lette
om
j
œ #œ .
make
an
om
-
'lette
make
'lette
˙˙
120
an
j
œ ‰ œ
-
— 229 —
# œœ ..
om
-
j
œ #˙
make
an
-
om
'lette
n œœ
J
nœ .
j
œ
!
121
now
'lette
!
now
j
œ ˙
& b œ Œ ‰ # œ œ œ n œ b œ # œ œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ n œœ œœ œ ˙
‰ œ œJ
œ Œ ‰ # œ œj œ n œ b œ
#œ œ œ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ ˙
‰ œ œJ
3 CHEFS:
123
First
&b
melt
First
a
melt
124
ta - ble - spoon of but - ter in
ta - ble - spoon of but - ter in
a
œ œ œ
b
b˙ .
&
‰ # œœ ..
˙
127
126
3
me - di - um heat
&b
œ œ œ
3
‰ #œ .
˙
me - di - um heat
˙˙ ..
&b
œœ
127C
ten
-
& b #˙ .
ten
and
˙˙
127D
der
-
b
& b bbbb nœ .
der
-
œ ‰ œ œj n œ .
J
make
fry - ing pan
œœ œœ œœ œœ
sau - té
pep - per 'til they're
127B
the
on - ions
and
green
#œ œ ‰ œ nœ œ ‰ œ #˙
-
o - ver
sau - té
on - ions
the
and
œ œ œ œ
pep - per 'til they're
green
128
3
3
129
ham
pie - ces
Make
an
bbbbbb
Œ œ #œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ Œ Ó
>>
Add the
lette
me - di - um
a
o - ver
# œœ œœ ‰ œœ A œœ œœ ‰ œœ # ˙˙
3
131
130
om
˙
fry - ing pan
NICK:
>
>
œ
Œ œ # œ œ # œ œ # œœ œœ œœ œ œœ Œ ‰ œ œj b b b b b b
3
Add the
nœ
me - di - um
127A
and
b˙ .
a
125
an
3
3
ham
pie - ces
œ ‰ œ œj n ˙
J
om - 'lette
132
make
an
om
-
#18—Make an Omelette
b œ . œj
'lette
now
133
!
(to 143)
nnnnnn#
— 230 —
143
&
&
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
3 CHEFS:
# œœ
œœ3
Turn
off
# œ
the
œ3
Turn
˙˙
œœ
heat
˙
œ
off
144
the
˙˙
Let
˙
Œ
heat
Straight 8's
# œœ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
&
œ œ œ œ œœ
&
149
&
&
153
169
&
#
#
#
skil - let
in
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
in
the
the
#œ œ œ
> .
j
œ œ.
>
#œ œ œ
> .
j
œ œ.
>
f
150
so
the
in
œ œ
œ
the
œ
œ
side
cooks
œ
œ
side
cooks
#œ œ œ
.
170
om
-
-
174
sit
one
œ
œ
œ
sit
one
Œ
Ó
right
through
œ
œ
Œ
Ó
right
through
152
œ
# œœœ
>
Œ Ó
œ
nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
172
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
175
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
'lette
148
171
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
œœ # œœ
œ
œ
155
œ
œ
œ
'lette
j
œ œ.
>
151
154
2 ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
-
œ
œ
om
>œœ
n b b b n œ>œœœ
œ
‰ ‰ œ ‰ nœ œ
b
(Straight 8's)
173
-
>œ
>œ
# œœœ ‰ ‰ œœœ Ó
Double Time! (h = 125)
bbbb 2
b
& b bb
skil - let
so
œ
the
mi - nute
in
147
145
the
Let
146
mi - nute
œ œœ
œ
Œ
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
176
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
#18—Make an Omelette
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
2
2
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
8
177
b
& b bb
193
&
#
A Little Less Frantic! (h = 120)
¿
¿
¿
¿
take
that
egg
and
194
# ¿ ¿ ‰EGGS:¿ ‰ NICK:
¿ ¿ ¿
&
J
&
199
203
# ¿
beat
it
No!
¿ ¿ Ó
that egg
197
You got - ta
it
that egg
A Little Less Frantic! (h = 115)
b
& b œ œ œ œ œ œ . œj Ó
204
that's how you make an
b
& b œ.
208
ome
-
j Ó
œ
'lette
it
beat
ome - 'lette
and heat
it
¿
¿ ¿ Ó
beat
that egg
201
nn#
¿
NICK:
¿
¿
¿
Take
that
egg
and
¿
¿
¿ ¿ ‰ ¿
be - fore
you
eat
198
202
œ œ œ œ œ œ . œj Ó
205
206
That's how you make an
it
so
NICK/SHAKESPEARE
ROBIN/3 CHEFS:
Ó
Œ
nbb
œ
And
ome - 'lette
œ œ œ œ œ
207
That's how you make an
SAD LITTLE EGG:
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
That's
how
you
make
an...
208A
Œ
¿
195
¿ ¿ ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ‰ ¿
¿ ¿ Ó
Ó
Now,
No!
beat
NICK:
185-191
EGGS:
¿
200
192
¿ ¿ ‰ ¿ Ó
J
beat
196
beat
7
# #
nnnn #
177-184
— 231 —
#18—Make an Omelette
208B
U
Œ
œ
And
œ
I
œ
am
— 232 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Dreamgirls Ballad (q = 130)
208C
b
& b œ.
tel
œ ˙
J
-
Œ ˙
œ
I'm
not
208D
ling you
4
208G A tempo (h = 100)
&
##
&
&
##
216
go - ing
to
208F
be
212
j
œ œ
œ
wine
from
œ
J
so - ur
an ome
Ó
-
lette
‰
œ
J
ONSTAGE MEN:
call
it
a
crepe.
214
‰ œ œ œ
˙
You
217
When
˙
got
œ œ
J
life
gives
you
215
a
œ
œ
flat
œ
J
218
just
œ
œ
make
an
eggs
# # n œœ œ œœ œœ œ œœ
n œœ œœ œœ ‰ b œ N œ n n b b œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙
œ
#
œ
œ
#
œ
œ# œ œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ
b
&
J J
J J
Om
&
-
-
# # n œœ # œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
Om
-
-
b
&b b œ œ œ œ œ
223
le - sto rol's
-
high
you'll
b
&b b œ œ œ œ œ
le - sto - rol's
high
you'll
222
-
'lette. Shake a
leg and slap a thigh
# œœ n œœ œœ œœ ‰ b œ N œ n b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
nb b
J J
J J
-
224
nœ
'lette. Shake a
œ
œ œ ‰ œœ ..
prob - a - bly die
nœ œ
leg and slap a thigh
225
˙˙
j
œœ œœ
œœ ˙˙
J
226
When
life
gives you
eggs,
n œ.
œ œ ‰œ.
A ˙˙
œœ œœ
J
eggs,
prob - a - bly die
When
life
#18—Make an Omelette
gives you
œ
pan - cake
˙
220
make
œ
221
ENSEMBLE:
219
œ
You
grapes
œ œ œJ œ .
œ œ
nn##
œ œ œ
˙.
œ œ
J
208G-208J
## œ
213
œ œ
J
208E
œœ ˙˙
J
‰œ œ œ
If your cho -
‰œ œ œ
If your cho -
‰ œœ œ
J
Just
a
Just
a
‰ œœ œœ
J
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
b
nœ ˙
& b b œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ ˙˙
‰ œœ ..
b œœ œœ œœ œœ n œœ
b
& b
When
life
‰ n œœ ..
A ˙˙
When
life
228
227
great
great
&
Ó
bbb Œ
&
Ó
bbb Œ
big
bowl
big
bowl
of eggs,
˙˙
of eggs,
Ó
Œ
Parts assigned on choreography
231
˙. ˙
w
232
w
Om, Om, Om,
Om, Om, Om,
Ó
Œ
˙. ˙
w
˙. ˙
233
w
Om, Om, Om,
˙. ˙
Om, Om, Om,
b b œœœ Œ
b
&
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
237
236
ӌ
w
229
˙. ˙
Om, Om, Om,
ӌ
w
˙. ˙
Om, Om, Om,
— 233 —
j
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
J
˙˙
230
gives you
eggs,
You got - ta make
that...
gives you
eggs,
You got - ta make
that...
Œ # œœœ œœœ # œœœ
J
For
hea - ven's
œœœ
J
sake
For
hea - ven's
sake
œ œ œ
œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœœ œœ œœœ
J
J
234
ӌ
˙. ˙
w
ӌ
Om, Om, Om,
˙. ˙
w
Om, Om, Om,
# n œœœ ....
b
& b b nœ
239
240
It was white and yel - low and
white and yel - low and
whiteand yel - low and white
make an
œœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ œ
œ œ
œ Œ œ
It was white and yel - low and
white and yel - low and
white and yel - low and white
make an
œœœ ˙˙˙
œ ˙
J
om
-
'lette!
om
-
'lette!
n œœœ ...
#
b
&b b
œœ
J
white!
b œœ
b œœ œœ œ œ œ
& b b Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ œœ
241
#œ œ
Œ œ Jœ œœ
œ Œ Œ œ # œœœ ˙œœ . œœ œœ œœ œœœ Œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
Ah
238
235
œœœ ˙˙˙
J
242
www
w
www
243
www
w
244
www
www
w
2
www
2
245-246
#18—Make an Omelette
— 234 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
After Omelette
18A
TACET
Into the Courtroom
TACET
#18A—After Omelette
18B
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 235 —
19
To Thine Own Self (Reprise)
BEA: Which is why I enter a plea of temporary insanity. And before sentencing is pronounced,
I think we'd all like to know... what on earth were you thinking?
NICK: The learned counselor is right. [GO]
1
7
&
## 3
&
##
18
&
4
&
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
&
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
œ œ ˙.
œ œ
9
NICK:
as
19
20
the day
25
œ œ œ
A - bove all
46
œ
œ
˙.
4
5
˙.
b ˙˙ .
œ nœ
8
## ˙ .
##
œ
Œ
˙
œ
fol - lows
33
# # a tempo
& ˙.
true.
œ œ œ
else
41
I
˙.
œ
34
11
Œ
35
˙.
know,
you
42
˙
n˙ .
36
this much is
˙
Œ
˙.
#19—To Thine Own Self (Reprise)
23
13
sky
37
turns
˙.
true,
45
œ œ œ
Œ
˙
œ
self
!
to blue,
˙
38
To thine own
49
˙.
˙˙ .
.
œ œ œ nœ
ritard.
44
do
48
U
˙.
˙˙ .
.
the
Œ œ œ œ
˙.
6
œ
œ œ
Sure as
43
˙.
12
.
22
the night
œ œ œ
in what - ev - er
47
œ˙ œ
˙ ..
21
Œ œ œ œ
40
10
œ œ œ œ ˙
This much
39
3
Someone much wiser than me tried to tell me.
In One (h. = 55)
##
œ
2
NICK (cont.): ...have happened if I just listened.
Sure
24
NICK: I did lose my mind. No, worse. I lost myself. And it wouldn't...
Rubato
be
— 236 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
## œ . œ œ
&
J
50
Why
56
&
##
˙
51
did I
Œ
œ œ œ
wan - der
Œ Œ œ
57
be?
62
&
##
75
&
&
##
##
&
see
just
œ œ ˙.
did - n't think
œ
œ
76
## nœ
made
œ
it
&
##
lost sight
81
#
& # b ˙˙ ..
89D
self
71
œ
œ
˙
Œ
˙.
87
thine own
œ
than
82
Ó
˙.
˙˙ ..
b˙ .
˙.
be
you
knew
I
could
œ œ ˙
œ œ
61
œ œ ˙.
I
œ
72
see it
it
it
had
to
78
œ œ bœ œ .
83
˙.
˙.
true.
lis - tened
˙.
So
79
˙
œ œ
Shoul - da
j
œ ˙
84
to
˙.
˙.
Œ
!
85
you.
˙.
89B
true.
91
œ
œ Œ œ
74
be.
89A
Ó
I
in me
œ
90
68
œ œ œ œ ˙.
j
œ n˙ .
˙.
˙.
I could
now.
œ.
89
67
73
had
be
89F
of
66
but
Shoul - da
88
two
œ œ . œj
55
that mat - tered some - how.
I
77
the
œ œ œ
60
65
˙
54
‰ œj œ n œ
of all
self
89E
man that
‰ œj ˙
˙
heart,
œ œ œ
To
64
hard - er
œ œ
from the
œ œ œ
59
70
œ
œ
53
œ nœ œ œ ˙
it then,
fol - lowed my
86
58
I
j
œ
œ
.
œ
far
63
I
80
so
œ œ nœ œ ˙
.
not
69
52
92
˙.
˙.
#19—To Thine Own Self (Reprise)
NIGEL/
NICK:
œœ œœ œœ
89C
To
thine own
93
U
!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Shakespeare in Court
BEA: Or can it? The defense calls Master William Shakespeare. [GO]
1
#
œ
& # 4 œœ
4
˙˙˙ ..
.
Shakes
# # 4 œœœ
&
ENS:
4
Shakes
-
-
2
peare!
˙˙˙ ..
.
!
peare!
Short scene
NICK: Stop giving him your best stuff!!!
SHAKESPEARE: Goodnight, sweet prince. And flights of angels...
do something. Exit Shakespeare! [GO]
3
# œ
& # œœ
Shakes
# # œœœ
&
Shakes
˙˙˙ ..
.
-
-
!
4
!
peare!
˙˙˙ ..
.
!
peare!
#19A—Shakespeare in Court
— 237 —
19A
— 238 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
20
Welcome to America!
Wells Fargo Wagon (q = 138)
1
#### 4 .
.
&
4
4
#### j .
œœ œœ .
&
7X
#### j œ .
œœ œ .
&
.. œœ
!
Œ
œœ
5
It's
Œ
œœ
œœ
Nick!
œœ œœ
no - thin'
10
TROUPE:
Who's
bro - ther?
7
2
that
co - ming out
¿
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
And
Ni - gel
œœ œœ œœ
8
but each
o - ther
NIGEL
NICK:
Œ
of
Bot - tom
œœ
It's
œœ œœ œœ
3
Œ
œœ œœ
Corn - wall?
œœ
œœ
Who's
that
6
9
œœ
Nick,
with his
œœ œœ œœ œ
œ
start - ing
out
with
¿
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
and
Ni - gel
Bot - tom
j
#### œ . œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
œ
œ
œ
‰
œ
œ
&
œ
œ œ œœ œ œœ œœ œ
œ
œ
11
Yes, we are the Bot - tom bro - thers
12
wri - ting plays just like our mo - ther
# # # # œ œ œ œœ œœ ‰ ‰ œ œ
œ œ œ
&
BEA:
13
œœ œœ œœ œ
œ
13A
learned a thing or
two!
He
œ
al - most
said we ough - ta do
œ œ œ œ œj œ .
We've
n
Œ ‰ œ nn nb
J
NICK: Sorry! PORTIA:
13B
got us all be - head - ed
In -
NICK/NIGEL/
TROUPE/
BEA/PORTIA:
NIGEL
15
ALL: Yay! NICK:
b
& b N œ œ œ œ œ œ œJ œ . Œ ‰ œj b œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ n œ œ œ œ œ œ # œJ
13C
13D
16
stead we just got ban - i - shed - ed
We
came from Lon-don on a boat and land - ed here and went and wrote a
#20—Welcome to America!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
— 239 —
BEA/
PORTIA:
17
j
b œ ‰ #œ œ ‰ j bœ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ œ#œ œ
b
‰
œ
œ
œ
œ
&
œ
J
J
play
34
NICK/NIGEL/TROUPE:
18
&
with songs
And
19
dan - cers ga - lore
Slightly Slower (q = 98)
bb
œ œ œ œ
here
we go
20
It's some - thing no one else has e - ver seen be - fore
+BEA/
PORTIA:
j " r b œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œj " œr
œ œ œ œ œ
œ
NICK & NIGEL ONLY:
35
put - tin' on a
show
And
not
just
an - y old
FEMALE ENSEMBLE: poco accel.
36
r j
j
b
& b nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ " œ œ œ œ œ œ
and bold
ex - tro - di - na - ry show
A
must
see
or - di - na - ry show
38
ma - gi - cal
big
39
&
and bold
ex - tro - di - na - ry show
œœ œœ ˙˙
40
Ó
j
œ
œ
Œ ‰ œ nœ
A
Ó
mus - i - cal,
43
A
b
& b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
no - thing as
&
a - ma - zing as
a
b b œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
no - thing as
a - ma - zing as
see
41
mus - i - cal,
b œ
& b œ œœ œœ ˙˙
must
a
44
j
œ œœ œœ œœ # œœ
œ
-
-
new
œœ œœ ˙˙
42
o - ri - gi - nal
Ó
j
œ
Œ ‰ œ
j
œ
Œ ‰ œ
There's
œœ œœ ˙˙
Ó
mus - i - cal,
si - cal
œœ b b œœ œœ œœ
mu
ma - gi - cal
mus - i - cal,
œœ b œœ œœ œœ
mu
o - ri - gi - nal
3
3
j
œ
Œ ‰ œœ n œœœ
Kickline Tempo, Swung!
b b œœ
A
j
œ
œ
#œ
œ
œ
new
r j œ œ œ jœ
b
œ
& b nœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ " œ
MALE ENSEMBLE:
j
‰ # œœ œœ
45
œœ œœ œœ
j
œ
‰
j œ
n
œ
‰# œ œ
œœ œœ œœ
j
œ
‰
With
and dance
And
#20—Welcome to America!
song
There's
and dance
si - cal
With
A
3
3
37
big
So
song
And
— 240 —
46
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
j
œ œ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œ œœ œœ œœ œ œœ
œ œœ œœ
œ
œ
bb œ
&
47
sweet
&b
ro - mance
And
sweet
ro - mance
hap - py
And
Doubletime Feel (q = 132)
48A
b
& b œ. œ œ œ œ. œ œ
Straight (no swing)
you'll
see
it
will
48B
be
see
it
by
will
end - ings hap - pe - ning
-
ly
the be - gin
œ . œ œ #œ œ œ
be
on
-
ly
the be - gin
2Œ
4
48C
œ
2Œ
4
ning
This
‰ œJ
This
b 4 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œœ b b œœ ˙˙
b
&
nn
48G
glo - ri - ous cre - a - tion called a
mu
3
-
si - cal
b 4 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ bœ ˙
b
&
4
glo - ri - ous cre - a - tion called a
mu
3
-
4
4
4
4
Tempo di 'Renaissance' w/swing!
Rall.
4
And
‰ œJ
SHYLOCK: Have you heard the news?
Shakespeare’s new play opened.
They say it’s his masterpiece.
NICK: What’s it called?
NIGEL: “Hamlet”
NOSTRADAMUS: Hamlet! I was this close.
48F
j
œ
hap - pen - stance
ning
-
And
œœ b b œœ œœ œœ ..
œ
-
j
œ
hap - pen - stance
by
œ . œ œ #œ œ œ
on
b
& b œ. œ œ œ œ. œ œ
you'll
end - ings hap - pe - ning
j
œ
‰ œ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ
œ n œœ œœ
b œ
hap - py
œœ b œœ œœ œœ ..
48
nn
49
U
!
50
Œ œ œ œœ‰ œ
ALL WOMEN:
Wel - come to A - mer -
U
Œ œ œ œœ‰ œ
ALL MEN:
!
si - cal
Wel - come to A - mer -
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
j
œ
œ œ
& œœ œ ‰ J J œ J
œ œ ‰ œj œj œ œj œ œ ‰ œ
51
-
&
-
52
53
(to 63)
54
i - ca
Where
no - thing
rhymes with A - mer
-
i - ca
But who's com - plain
-
ing? We're
i - ca
Where
no - thing
rhymes with A - mer
-
i - ca
But who's com - plain
-
ing? We're
œ œ
œ œ
œ œ ‰ œJ œJ œ J œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œJ œJ œ Jœ œ œ ‰ œJ
#20—Welcome to America!
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
63
— 241 —
li - vin' in the new world and
li - ving the dream.
It's
our de - but
Wel - come
to
A - mer -
li - vin' in the new world and
li - ving the dream.
It's
our de - but
Wel - come
to
A - mer -
64
65
66
œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ
j œœœ œœœ ‰ œœœ œœœ Œ
œ
œ
‰
œ œ œ œ
&
œ
67
œ
&œ
-
œœœ
&
-
71
œœ œ œ
œ œ
j
œ
‰ œ ˙˙
œœœ œ œ
œœ œœ
‰ œJ
˙˙
68
i - ca
i - ca
69
72
new!
new!
ev
˙˙
-
'ry
-
thing
ww
www
Where
ev
-
'ry
-
thing
is
˙˙
j
œ
Œ ‰ œ œœ b œœ œœ œœ œœ œ Ó
œ œœ
73
Wel
-
come to A - mer - i - ca
Wel
-
come to A - mer - i - ca
&Œ
j
œ
‰ œ œœ b œœ œœ œœ
&Œ
œ œ
œ
‰ Jœ œ œœ œ œœ
Wel
Wel
-
-
come
come
to
to
ww
70
Where
œ œ
œ œ
Œ ‰ œJ œ œœ œ œœ œ œœ œœ Ó
&œ Œ Ó
œœ œœ œœœ œœ œœ œœ
œ œ ‰ œ œ œ
www
Bright 4 (Straight 8's)
&œ Œ Ó
76
œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ œœ œœ
‰ j œœ œœ ‰ œœ œœ Œ
œ œ œ œ œ
œ
& œ œ œ bœ œ œ ‰ œ
77
œœ
A - mer -
œœ
A - mer -
Ó
œœ œœ
74
is
j
œ
Œ ‰ œ œœ b œœ œœ œœ ˙˙
˙˙
75
Ev
-
'ry - thing is
new
Ev
-
'ry - thing is
new
œ œ œ
˙
Œ ‰ Jœ œ œœ œ œœ ˙
˙˙
!
78
i - ca
œœ œœ Ó
i - ca
¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿
NICK:
Land
#20—Welcome to America!
of
op - por - tu - ni - ty!
Œ
— 242 —
SOMETHING ROTTEN!
Bows
21
TACET
Exit Music
TACET
#21—Bows
22
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