About Grief, Loss & Healing What to expect… and what not to expect. Psychologically speaking, there is no timetable for bereavement. Just as two snowflakes are composed of the same material (frozen water), yet no two are alike, each person’s experience with the grief is unique. For some, a few weeks or months’ time brings a sense of peace and renewed hope; others experience repressed grief years later whereas others have waves of grief for several years with varying frequency and intensity. Is it normal to feel so much pain? Yes. Grief is a normal process. Intense emotional pain is not uncommon and supports rather than restricts healing. This pain can be felt not only emotionally but physically i.e. exhaustion or distress (burning, searing, can’t-catch-your-breath pain). You may also experience a sense of longing that can present itself after years of “repressing without processing”, re-surface from time to time for years, sneak up and surprise you out of the blue or be expected and anticipated, such as the anniversary date of a loss, or a visit to a particular location that carries reminders of the lost person. It is impossible to predict the course of your grieving. And yet… life goes on and appreciation for it can grow. Along the way, the burden becomes lighter—perhaps because you grow stronger. Eventually, you regain meaning and purpose in life even as you feel the loss. “Working through” grief includes: • Accepting the loss. • Talking through your thoughts and feeling regarding the loss while being provided validation and guidance in resolving irrational thoughts and feelings. • Fully acknowledging and accepting the intensity of present grief & hurting, even though it’s not pleasant. • Taking steps forward i.e. memorializing, supporting your current needs, talking about your loved one, radically accepting your life will be different than expected. Most common roadblocks: - Running from your feelings vs facing them – not allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to stuff down (repress) your feelings — in the belief that they will simply fade with time—is counter-productive. When ignored, grief causes pain that is sometimes so excruciating that people want to numb and escape it in unhealthy ways. In blocking the grieving process, you block the natural return to interest and meaning in life that will follow. - Convincing yourself you are not strong enough to face it - redefine the terms lose control or break down in order to reframe them in a more positive way such as - emotional release or intense feelings. Remember, a tremendous loss evokes responses that you may not have felt before and call for powerful expression. - Denial – whether it be in relation to not accepting your loved one is gone or not letting go of “how you imagined things would be.” Grieving “how it would have been” is part of processing your loss.
