I am working towards the art of not
giving a $@#* | stop seeking Validation
and approval from people
Here, listen to this closely.
Today, I am not what you think I am, I am not what I think I am. I am what I think you think I am.
My earliest memories of seeking attention and validation are from my childhood, when I was four to five
years old. It’s surprising how small kids soak everything from their environment, even the need to
change oneself, in order to be validated and feel loved.
Hamare pichle video mein humne baat kia tha freedom k baarein mein. External freedom, which is the
removal of external constraints is facilitated by money and financial literacy. But, there are internal
constraints that keep us from being truly free. These constraints steal our internal freedom. This
freedom is linked to our happiness.
How often have you been frozen by the idea of what will people say? How often have you chosen not to
be you and not to do you because a voice inside you told you that you’d to judged by others? Rather,
the question that needs to asked is, have you ever made a decision without keeping others opinions in
mind.
The one thing that we are bound to is the desire of recognition and validation. This is an important part
of freedom that we miss out usually; this inclination of ours to seek Validation and Approval from others
steals our true freedom. To be recognized, we suffer trying to meet other people’s expectations that we
end up living other people’s life.
I myself was tired of living in this way. I had buried my own unique voice so deep that I was singing the
songs that the world sang. But these songs never made me feel alive.
Here’s how I am working towards improving this part of me, which I feel could help you.
1. Where does all of this start?
Our childhood is greatly influenced by a system called the Reward and Punishment education.
We are rewarded for doing the required and punished for doing the unwanted. In this way, our
brains are hardwired to do the things that gain us the rewards, even if it means changing
oneself.
The rewards I mention here are not small. They refer to validaton and recognition that makes us
feel accepted. Through evolutionary theories we have come to know that our ancestors lived as
tribes to face the harsh environment of that era. Being sent away from the tribe meant death.
Hence today when we crave social validation to an extent where we are ready to lose ourselves
in exchange, we are actually trying to save ourselves from death. Hence, the desire for
recognition is to an extent natural to us.
Nevertheless, when the desire for recognition is so strong that the self is crippled, it becomes a
danger. Which brings us to our second point.
2.
Separation of Tasks.
In Adlerian psychology, we are introduced to a concept called The Separation of Tasks. This is
the one concept that I used to slowly sing songs that resonated with my heart, even though it
would get me questioned and disliked.
This concept suggests that we separate tasks. Which means that we find out, what is my part in
this task? How much of the task at hand is my responsibility? What is the part of the task that is
not in my hand to complete?
For example, being me and doing what I want to do is my task. No one else can do it for me. So
my complete attention should be on this. While what others are thinking about me is their task.
I cannot take part in or control that task.
Our task is to go upon the stage and speak. It is the audience’s task to respond or form opinions.
It is our task to go and speak to that woman we want to speak to. It is her task to decide if she
wants to talk back or slap our cheeks.
So separation of task leads to simplification of roles, where we do what our task is. And let the
world do their task.
Whoever is ultimately going to receive the end result brought about by the choice that is made,
that task belongs to that person.
Adlerian psychology is also called the psychology of courage. It is the courage to be you to do
you, when you know that you may be disliked for that by some people.
True freedom is the courage to be disliked. The courage to be happy is inseparable from the
courage to be disliked.
3. Validate Yourself
‘You are not living to satisfy other people’s expectations, neither am I. It’s not necessary to
satisfy other people’s expectations.’
At the same time no one is supposed to fulfill your expectations. No one was put on Earth to
satisfy your needs. So it is your own responsibility to get what you want.
We need to learn to validate ourselves for who we are. We need to be able to tell ourselves that
‘I am proud of you’. This starts from accepting ourselves for who we are. We also need to keep
improving every day because face it, we still need to put in work to manifest the kings and
queens that we are.
The actionable step here is to take time out to do the thing you love to do. Do the things that
make you happy. Invest time and money on yourself. This will help you so much to improve your
self-image. What you think about yourself is so much more important than what the people
think about you. The only validation you need is your own.
Another step is to learn to tell a ‘No’. when you don’t feel like this is what you want, just say no.
in this way you’ll learn to respect yourself and you’ll let people know the boundaries you’ve set
for yourself.
I hope you grasped atleast one idea from this video. Don’t forget to take action on that today!
I’ll be rescheduling my upload days by the earliest. Next video coming out soon!
Until then this is Nikhil Om Shanker amd you’re watching NKSnik.