How To Analyze People
2 books in 1
The Ultimate Psychology Guide to Analyzing, Speed Reading and
Influencing People using Body Language, Psychological
Manipulation and Persuasion, Brain Wash, Dark Psychology 101,
NLP.
By
Robert Reed
Table Of Contents
The Art of Psychological Manipulation
Introduction
Chapter One: Persuasion Skill From Advertising World
Chapter Two: Why People Say 'No'
Chapter Three: How To Change 'No' Into A 'Hell, Yes'
Chapter Four: Importance Of Body Language
Chapter Five: Listening Is Key
Chapter Six: Persuasion In The Political World
Chapter Seven: Influence Is About Perception
Chapter Eight: Manipulation Isn’t Influence
Conclusion
References
The Art of Speed Reading People
Introduction
Chapter One: Why Our Body Cant' Lie
Chapter Two: The Body Language Of Our Feet & Legs
Chapter Three: The Body Language Of Our Hands, Arms &
Shoulders
Chapter Four: THE BODY LANGUAGE OF THE FACE
Chapter Five: The 16 Types Of Personalities That Exist And How To
Treat Them (Part 1)
Chapter Six: The 16 Types Of Personalities That Exist And How To
Treat Them (Part 2)
Chapter Seven: The 16 Types Of Personalities That Exist And How To
Treat Them (Part 3)
Chapter Eight: How To Transmit To Others A Good Self-Esteem
Chapter Nine: Body Mirroring: Enhancing Personal Connections
Conclusion
Resources
THE ART OF PSYCHOLOGICAL
MANIPULATION
Life-Changing Techniques to discover how to manipulate people
with Dark Psychology secrets, Persuasion, Mind Control, Body
Language Analysis, Hypnosis, and NLP.
By
Robert Reed
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Introduction
Human relationships, at all levels, are critical to all life endeavors.
You need the acceptance and commitment of people to achieve your
dreams and aspirations in life. However, many do not know how to
go about it. In the bid to win over others, some become vulnerable
and become victims of people with hidden agendas. It can be
frustrating when you know something is wrong but have no idea how
to fix it. Making relationships work can be challenging without
quality information on how to succeed in them.
At a point in my life, I had terrible interpersonal and working
relationships. My communication skills were not impressive, and
this affected my interpersonal and professional relationships. I had a
job as a sales representative in a company, and sales were low due to
my inability to convince prospective buyers. In hindsight, I am glad
that I was objective enough to discern that something was missing. I
will be sharing the tips that transformed my life with you in this
book.
Many individuals in the world today, in all spheres of life, lack
excellent communication skills. Meanwhile, significant interactions
are the fulcrum of successful interpersonal and professional
relationships. If you are a parent with rebellious kids or an
entrepreneur struggling to inspire your team members, this book is
for you.
By training, I am a psychologist that specializes in ADV. I have had a
series of experiences in my past and my present that made me delve
into human behaviors. Currently, I am committed to helping and
counseling people who have the same problem I had to help them get
over it. For instance, last year, a young man came into my office,
seeking my guidance. He didn’t want to attend the university his
parents recommended for him. He needed me to give him the right
approach to communicate his decision to them amicably. Through
some of the steps that will be discussed in this book, he convinced
them.
Also, from my experience, I got to know that many people
manipulate their audience, customers, children, and other people to
do what they want. My knowledge as a human behaviorist has
exposed me to the two types of manipulation: white and dark. Most
times, white manipulation is without psychological violence; but
dark manipulation is orchestrated with psychological violence.
Psychological violence includes lies, guilt, fear, etc.
In this book, you will learn the best techniques and benefits of a
robust relationship with your audience. You will understand the
foundations of creating excellent relationships and how to sustain
them to your advantage. Moreover, you will find easy guidelines that,
if followed, will improve your engagement and will want others to
listen to your ideas. Note that your success in life depends on the
opportunities you get. So, possessing skills that will pave the way for
more approvals of your ideas will improve the quality of your life.
You would be shown why people want the latest Apple products and
rely heavily on Microsoft. Besides, you will also understand how
Mary Kay convinced ladies to patronize its products. This book will
teach you how to understand body language and use it for your
benefit. Also, you will be taught why others decline most of your
views, and how you can change their perspective. Indeed, this is a
complete guide that will improve your relationships in all
ramifications.
Regardless of the area of life, you will find tips that can help you to
up your game. You will learn from fantastic examples that captivate
their target audience with their ability to use words decisively. Their
methods
and
approach
to
interpersonal
and
professional
relationships will serve as a blueprint for your success.
This book will take you chapter by chapter in the simplest ways to
enhance your ability to influence people. It will also give you inklings
on how to get your kid's respect and appreciation. You have picked
up the right material if you want to persuade your customers to
invest in your products consistently. Anyone can be an entrepreneur.
However, it takes skills and grit to succeed in your endeavor.
Excellent customer relationships and services are an integral part of
your success.
More so, reading this book will broaden your horizons on
manipulation. You will know how to identify manipulators, when you
are being manipulated, and how to get out of a manipulative
relationship. This book focuses on dark manipulation, which is
psychological violence. It explains hypnosis and dark psychology,
which are the tools of dark manipulation. How they work, can be
done, and protect yourself from them will also be extensively
discussed.
If you pay attention while reading, you will find exciting and
enlightening tips you apply in your relationships. This material can
be life-changing, depending on your attitude to it. It has laid down
guidelines that can transform your relationships in months of careful
practice and adherence. So, you must study intending of getting the
best out of it. In no time, you can find yourself as the center of
attention. You can become a source of inspiration to your family
member, friends, spouse, and colleagues. It all depends on your
attitude. The journey begins!
Chapter One
Persuasion Skill From Advertising
World
Many talented individuals are not able to use their prowess to the
fullest because they lacked the one necessary ingredient: persuasion.
Many relationships have crumbled, opportunities missed, sales not
made, and customers lost because of inappropriate approaches to
human interactions.
W. Clement Stones was given birth to a very low-income family, and
his father died, leaving debts behind. He had to sell Newspapers on
the south side of Chicago. After some time, he got fed up with
hawking on the streets, and he started selling his newspaper at
restaurants. Initially, the managers of the restaurants disagreed with
his style, but soon, he was able to convince them that the customers
didn't have a problem with it. He won them over through his charm,
persistence, and politeness, and this is a short story of the growth of
his success in the insurance business.
In his words, "Sales are contingent upon the attitude of the salesman
– not the attitude of the prospect." This simply means that if you
want to get the right response from others, it is up to you to persuade
them. Your approach can go a long way in convincing even the
staunchest pessimist. This chapter explores how you can leverage the
persuasion skills of top brands in the modern world to improve the
quality of your life.
Brand Or Quality?
Customer behavior is an exciting discussion in psychology. Studies
have proven that most people buy products because of the brand
rather than because of their quality. You may not realize the
influence of the psychological games top companies play with your
mind. When they have successfully done their magic on you, you will
associate quality with a brand name. Once this happens, you will
stop evaluating the company’s products objectively. You will be
convinced that every of its product is top quality.
It gets so bad that you will buy a more expensive product from a
famous brand rather than a cheaper one from another company.
Interestingly, the less expensive product might be better than the
pricey one. Nonetheless, because the renowned brand has won your
heart, you will not mind the cost of the product. This psychological
influence accounts for the monopoly of many reputable brands in a
particular sector.
In the modern world, thriving brands are always keen to make
improvements that keep them relevant. These companies find ways
to persuade you to buy their products psychologically. For instance,
Nike endorses sports celebrities to market their products. The
company leverages the fame of the likes of Neymar Junior, a famous
footballer, to persuade prospective buyers to patronize its products.
This strategy has made Nike one of the wealthiest footwear
companies in the world. This is a far cry from the 1980s when the
company was just a casual shoe firm. However, things are different
today because they changed their approach.
Know Their Wants
Walt Disney, at an early age, was sent packing because he was said
not to be creative. He later became the owner of the most significant
animation industry. He found out that many kids wanted to wander
into the fantasy world, and he met their needs by creating a series of
animated characters that the kids later got to love. To engage your
target audience, you must know their wants and find a way to satisfy
their desires.
Prospective clients will be willing to venture into business with you if
you can show them that they will benefit from you in the long run.
For instance, the insurance companies show you that if you give
them a certain amount of your money annually, you will be secured if
anything happens to your insured. They will tell you that they will
replace your car or repair it at no additional cost if you guarantee it
with them with a certain amount of money. Also, they have the life
policies, which make the family of those insured to get a premium
sum of money after the death of the insurer.
You cannot succeed in convincing people when you do not know
what they desire. So, the first step when presenting ideas to others is
to know what they want. For instance, most phone companies don't
just say they've developed a new phone; they make people know that
their new phones have some new features that would benefit their
clients.
More so, most brands add new features to their phones every year to
get customers to crave their products. These additions range from
security features such as keyboard unlock to fingerprint sensor
unlock and recently, face unlock. These phones bring new and
convenient features that make previous products look outdated. I
had a friend in college that changed his phone every year. There was
a time I asked him why he changed his phone every year, and he told
me that the phone companies add new features to the phone that
makes his files safer and easier to access.
These phone companies understand that humans like to use new
things. They know that most people want the satisfaction of being a
part of a new trend. So, these brands work tirelessly to develop new
exciting features to make their customers invest in the latest
products. In the same way, you need to know what the people in your
life want. If you understand the desires of your spouse, you will get
along well. Also, if you know the expectations of your boss, it will be
easier to meet them.
Satisfy The Demands
Knowing what the people in your life want is a fantastic start.
Nonetheless, it is not good enough to keep their attention. You need
to be able to devise practical strategies to meet the needs. This
strategy is the secret of top firms. They leverage several means such
as online surveys and other customer feedback platforms, to know
their clients’ demands. Once they get these responses, they set out to
make changes or create products to enhance customer satisfaction.
In 2007, Apple released its first iPhone under glass, and in 2009, the
company became well known in the whole world when they released
their products into the major markets in the world. How? Before
they released their phones, various products were already circulating
in the market, including flip-flops, slides, etc. However, they knew
that their target market wanted better network connection, improved
screen touch setups, enhanced cameras, just to mention a few.
So, they incorporated these features into their phones, and many
customers went for their products. Now, Apple is one of the biggest
and richest companies globally, with nothing less than seven
hundred and fifty-three billion dollars in assets. Besides, it has more
than two hundred and three million dollars in cash.
You can take a cue from this company’s approach. Before you can
have someone listen to you, you must first realize their wants and
think about the best way to satisfy them. Whenever you are talking,
they will find you more exciting and worth their time. No one wants
to engage a person who just keeps talking about things that do not
pique their interest. Therefore, in your relationships and business, it
is critical to identify needs and meet them.
Seek Creative Ways To Meet Demands
Making plans to meet demands is good. Nonetheless, you need to go
beyond that. Many of us have what it takes to get that respect, to get
that promotion, to make that sale, to keep that relationship, but what
we don't have is the ability to sway the people to see our view and
how it can benefit them. You must be ready to do more than the
norm to achieve remarkable results. You need to avoid getting
yourself involved in meaningless activities. Take out time to think
about better ways to do things that can sell you to your target
audience.
In the early 1900s, Milwaukee Schlitz, a beer brewer ranked eighth in
America, suddenly rose to number one. What happened? He hired
Claude Hopkins, one of the founding fathers of modern advertising,
to advertise his products to gain more customers. Hopkins didn't
understand the beer product and the market, so Schlitz had to give
him a tour. All beer brewers at that time always talked about how
clean and pure their product is without actually showing anyone how
they did it.
As Schlitz was taking Hopkins through his company, through the
equipment and its usage, he found out that Schlitz sterilized all his
beer bottles at least four times before use. He also noticed that
Schlitz gets water from four thousand foot-deep artesian wells.
Besides, Schlitz did over one 1002 experiments to produce yeast cells
for brewing. Hopkins was fascinated by all these and asked Schlitz
why he didn't tell people what he did to brew beer. His answer? “All
brewers do the same thing.”
The media expert advised him to create awareness. Meanwhile, it
was something other brewers had never thought of doing. Hopkins
made an advert which stipulated, “Ask your doctor about Schlitz
beer. He knows the importance of purity. Tell him that Schlitz beer is
aged for months before it is marketed. He will say it cannot cause
biliousness. Tell him that every bottle is purified after it is sealed. He
will say that such a beer must be germless. Ask your doctor what
these virtues mean to you.”
After the release of this advert, in a couple of months, Schlitz beer
came from number eight to number one. Hopkins knew what people
wanted; they wanted to know that the beers they take are pure and
wouldn't affect them, and that was what he gave them. In your
professional and interpersonal relationships, you need to apply this
principle of creativity in meeting demands. For example, don’t just
accuse your boss of favoring other people in the organization.
What you see as favoritism might be a meritocracy. In other words,
your employee might be promoting others and raising their pay
because they offer more to the company’s collective course than you.
Therefore, you need to be objective in your analysis. Do you go the
extra mile to ensure that you get the job done? What have you done
during the periods you were allowed to show what you can do? A
different approach can turn things around for you.
Do Not Quit
Note that it takes time to make people accept your view. Everyone is
persuadable; however, it requires the right timing and context. For
instance, in 2008, during the election campaign, I have a friend that
always said he would never vote for Barack Obama. We closely
watched the campaign of both candidates, and at the final round, my
friend was swayed by his speech.
My friend abhorred Barack Obama's candidacy for the White House
initially. However, after a series of campaigns, he started getting
swayed by the brilliance of the man. There was a time he defended
his view on foreign policy even though he was still adamant that he
would never vote for him. He was getting to like him over time and
was won over eventually.
What I want to bring out in the example above is that Barack Obama
didn't sway my friend into voting for him in a night; it was a gradual
process. If your first approach towards getting your kids to respect
and appreciate you, getting the promotion, making the sale goes
awry, do not give up. With time, you can still be able to achieve your
goals. You lose the opportunity to make the right impression when
you stop trying.
It can be frustrating to wait, but it is often worth it if you refuse to
lose hope in your dreams. Abraham Lincoln was the sixteenth
president of the United States of American (1861-1865). He didn't
become the president of the US on his first trial, but through
persistence and creating awareness.
When I was working at a store for my upkeep in college, the manager
never saw why to give me a raise when I first asked for it. He even
threatened to fire me if I continued to ask him. However, I was not
deterred. I buckled down and showed by worth. I stayed for more
hours, did more chores, and at the end of the month, he gave me a
raise. The beginning might be challenging; however, if you persist, in
no time, you will be able to sway those people that have been turning
deaf ears to your views. You will make those sales, get that
promotion, your kids will appreciate you, and your parents will listen
to you.
Chapter Two
Why People Say 'No'
Most times, being rejected does not mean you don't know what you
are saying or that your products are low-grade. Indeed, some people
may not buy your products because they don’t need those items by
then. Nonetheless, excellent persuasion skills can make customers
buy products even when they don’t need them. If you think about it,
you will realize that you have invested in products that are of no use
to you because the seller was too engaging. You can have that kind of
influence on the people around you.
You may have the right ideas, but still, lose a business deal to a better
presenter. Have you ever wondered why the man with a product gets
his products accepted and you with the good one get declined? Bad
advice gets accepted, and your useful pieces of advice get rejected? It
all has to do with how they showcased themselves in the most
appealing way to their audience. This chapter will review the reasons
you get turned down and how you can turn the table around.
Saying The Right Thing At The Right Time
One of the questions that bothered my mind is, “Why do people say
'no'?” Previously, while talking to a person, I often know what I am
talking about, and it would seem to be the best for me at the
moment. However, at the end of our discussion, I still get turned
down. I thought I was alone but soon realized that many people are
suffering from the same thing. We have good ideas, but we can't say
them in captivating ways, which later make us get declined or
rejected.
I realized that saying the right things is not enough; I must say them
at the right time. Besides, I must also know my audience before
speaking. If I present the right ideas to the wrong people, my effort
will be futile. For example, if you sell luxurious and pricey shoes,
targeting middle-class earners is a waste of time. You need to appeal
to the high-class prospective clients who can afford such items.
The mood of the listener also goes a long way in determining the
response you get. Your spouse may reject an idea not because it is
silly, but because he or she is stressed. So, you should avoid talking
to people when they are not happy or exhausted. You might say the
right things during these periods, but timing will frustrate your
effort. Always wait for the right time to push your ideas home to
increase your chances of getting approvals.
Approaches That Can Lead To Rejection
There are certain things you say either consciously or subconsciously
that can get you a rejection. This means there are ways you can talk
that can make your audience uncertain about what you are saying.
Meanwhile, once doubts set in their hearts, they will not want to buy
your idea. The following tips will help you gain the trust of others:
Sound Confident
One of the things that get you a no from people is that you don't
sound confident. When you are uncertain in your presentation,
whatever they say can never be accepted. Everyone wants to be sure
that you are not wasting their time. Your kids want to know that you
are instructing them because you are sure of the outcome. Similarly,
your spouse wants to be guaranteed that the new approach will not
harm your kids. Your boss wants to be sure that your business idea
will not lead to financial loss for the company.
A mode of speech that will unequivocally get you a no is when you
talk, but you don't give straightforward statements. For instance, if
customers visit your store, they want to be guaranteed that you are
selling superior quality products. If the person asks you about the
effectiveness of the product, your response should express
confidence. Failure to do so will make the client look for somewhere
else that offers assurance.
A patient wants to be sure that he or she gets treated by the right
doctor. If he or she asks, "Is the doctor an expert?" The last thing he
or she wants to hear is a nurse saying, "Well, I don't know, but you
are safe." The patient would most definitely decline to go into the
theatre with a doctor he/she doesn't think is capable enough. Also, if
a lawyer needs to defend the life of his client, and the client asks,
"Are you well prepared for this matter?" and the lawyer replies with,
"Not really, but we will be alright." The "Not really" would send an
alarm to the brains of the client, and he would want to get another
lawyer to defend him. The same applies to persuasion. You can never
persuade someone if you do not offer certainty.
Do Your Homework
An integral factor that will build your confidence when speaking is
making the necessary findings beforehand. For example, if you are a
sales representative, you should have a good grasp of the pros and
cons of the company’s products. Failure to do so will make it difficult
to assure customers that they will get value for their money by
investing in a product.
Whenever you are uncertain, people wouldn't take you seriously.
Moreover, if they don't, they would most certainly decline any
proposals you have for them, regardless of how juicy it is. So, to
avoid sounding like you are not sure, ask the right questions
beforehand. Think about the likely questions you might be asked and
provide the correct answers to them. Never present an idea that has
obvious loopholes.
Before speaking to your kids, think about the questions they might
ask you. When you don’t sound logical, they may not argue with you
out of respect but will not do your biddings. Similarly, before
presenting a business idea to prospective investors, think about what
they may want to know and be ready to provide a logical answer.
Avoid Weasel Words
There is something called weasel words, and they are often used in
statements. However, if you want to persuade someone to do
something for you, you must stop using these words. Many weasel
words will turn people completely off from what you are saying
regardless of how detailed you may seem to be. If you want to
persuade people to do what you want, you must desist from using
them.
"Probably/Possibly" are examples of weasel words. These words
are subconsciously used when you are not sure about a product. For
instance, if you want to get a promotion, and your boss asks, "Are
you going to be able to handle the stress?" Replying with "probably"
inputs in his or her mind that you cannot handle the role. That
response implies that you are not fit for the position.
A phrase like “Could be” can also be problematic. It makes you
sound uninformed, and you cannot make anyone do your biddings if
you don’t have enough information. It could be detrimental if used
when trying to explain how and why something works the way it
does. For instance, if a customer asks, "what does this product do?"
Your response should not be, "It could be it is used for making toast."
Immediately, the customer would know you know nothing about
what you are trying to sell to him or her.
Starting a statement with "Well" is also a bad habit. It would never
make you sound sure of yourself to whomever you are trying to
persuade. If someone asks you a question, and you start with "well,"
it makes you sound doubtful, and no one is easily convinced by a
person that says uncertainly. If you are asked a question, give a
straightforward answer.
Use Case Studies
It is easier to convince someone about an idea or product when you
have specific examples of beneficiaries. Using words like "some” or
“many" while trying to convince someone will do more harm than
good. These words don't add much legitimacy to your statement. It
seems more like you are speculating, which will make the person
listening to doubt you.
For instance, you should not tell your son, "Some kids your age are
doing this effectively." Instead, you should say, "Greg did this last
week and was able to do it effectively." He knows Greg and can easily
copy that template. A lawyer, when making a citation, can never say,
"in some cases…" he would always say "in the case of X v Y."
This is also useful information for those that are into business and
want more clients. If you are speculative, there is a high possibility
that your product would not be bought. If a customer asks how
products have been used, and you say, "Some of our customers have
used it, and it has worked effectively for them." This would never
sway them to buy your product. However, if you say, "Mrs. Ryan,
that I worked with several months ago, bought this product, and it
worked effectively for her." This makes you more assertive to sway
the customers easily because you have given them a person who used
it.
Things You Write That Gets You A "No."
It is not every time that you have to present an idea with your voice;
you might find yourself in situations where you will have to use your
words in writing to convince others. Most people don't have the
unique skill set required to persuade people using written words. The
following tips will help you win your audience over when writing to
them:
Keep The Readers In Mind
There are various mistakes made when writing that prevents you
from getting the right response. These errors can make your wellwritten work watery. The first mistake you make when writing is that
you don't have your audience in mind. Beautiful writing is one thing;
passing the message across to the requisite audience is another. Most
writers are fluent but don't the results their ostensibly fantastic
write-ups deserve.
What you need for you to have an endearing write-up is for you to
know your audience. Understand their world view, current
challenges, and how you can reinforce or change their belief system.
Steve Harvey, the writer of 'Think Like a Man," excelled because he
knew his audience. I identified them as ladies who had suffered or
didn't want to suffer emotionally in the hand of men.
He wrote a book that would solve their problems by explaining to
them how the man thinks, what his beliefs were, and how he behaved
to women. He explained the reaction women would get from men if
they act in a manner. Moreover, the author persuaded its target
audience to buy the book, read it, and make use of the information.
That is where the difference lies between a write-up that would
persuade and one that would not. Once a writer fails to understand
the peculiarities of his or her target audience, failure is inevitable.
Many ideas that could have been blockbusters today never took off
because they were presented to the wrong people. As an
entrepreneur, do your research about the target market to offer them
a cutting-edge product. Little tweaks like this can change your
fortunes tremendously.
Provide Details As Much As Possible
There was this one time I was reading a newspaper, and I saw an
advert on a gum. What was in the advert was "Buy our product; it is
one of the best." I immediately flipped the page of the paper because
I was disgusted by the advert. Why is it the best? Why should I buy
it? These were the questions that were going on in my mind. The
advertiser failed woefully to persuade me to opt for his gum because
the advert was not well written.
Steve Harvey is a sterling example of how detailing when writing can
make a whole lot of difference. He knew that he was writing the book
for women, and his main focus was to show them the depths of how a
man thinks. That was what he needed to know and work on, which
made the book the best seller. Women who had been dumped for no
reason, who had been deceived, and manipulated by men, were all
discussed in the book.
Just like this author, you need to provide details when writing. It is
not good enough to just make blatant statements. You should give
explanations as much as possible. That gum company should have
cited the selling points that make its product superior to
conventional ones. Never forget that you will not be there when the
reader is going through the texts. So, offer them useful details that
will hammer home your points.
Mind Your Tone
You should also know that when you are writing, you should take
cognizance of your tone. You may be able to identify your target
audience. However, the wrong style can still make your presentation
repulsive. For instance, if you are writing for a law magazine, you
have to be formal in your tone. However, if you do the same when
writing entertainment stories, it will be counterproductive.
The way you write a children’s column is not the same way you write
an article for adults. An article that will be read by kids must be filled
with simple words and broken into shorter paragraphs. Meanwhile,
it is acceptable to use complicated words, especially when writing to
adults who are experts in a particular field.
You cannot be writing to tech enthusiasts without using terms that
are peculiar to that aspect. Most people will drop the article after
reading two paragraphs. In a highly-competitive world, you need to
be at your best in your endeavors. It becomes vital to be concise and
precise when posting on an online platform. There are several similar
articles available to the readers. So, you cannot afford to get your
tone wrong.
Avoid Fallacies
Another reason why most people cannot persuade others to agree
with their views is that they base their writing on faulty logic. What
do I mean? Many writers use straw man arguments, which don't add
up if it is carefully examined. For instance, Steve Harvey didn't use
faulty logic while writing, "Think like a Man." He researched most
men and how they behave towards women before he wrote his books.
He gave a series of examples in the book with credible references. So,
it is not shocking that the book gained popularity and became a US
bestseller.
If you are willing to gain the attention of your audience through your
writings, you must be able to guide them towards a common
realization through the use of logically sound and credible
arguments. You must have researched the topic before you write it
down. If you stick to fallacies, your integrity and credibility as a
writer would be tainted, and you will not be able to convince your
readers.
For example, you might want to pitch a business theory at your
workplace and want the boards of directors to approve it. Not only
what you have said in your presentation would sway them into
agreeing with you, but they will also read the report on the idea you
have submitted to them. If your presentation was top-notch, but your
report is watery and filled with fallacies, it would most definitely be
rejected.
Avoid Writing In The Negative
There are various things you add to your writings that would never
make you persuade your audience. You might not think of those
things as big deals. However, they go a long way in dissuading your
audience about your views. One of the things that turn people off
from your writing is when you write in the negative. Many writers
might not know that their mode of writing is in the negative.
Your first paragraph can be enough to turn the audience off. If you
want to write and persuade people, your thesis must be stated in the
first paragraph. They often turn the readers off by saying things that
make them mad. Your write-ups might be interesting, amusing, or
great. However, it will not make the desired impact if you use words
that are disgusting and awful. You will never be able to sway your
readers if your words are repulsive and unpleasant.
Imagine that Steve Harvey started his first paragraph with "women
are stupid, that is the reason why men treat them like trash." What
would come into your mind as a woman if you read such a
paragraph? You would instantly feel insulted, and his book would
not be appealing to you again. Meanwhile, it might contain lifetransforming ideas in the subsequent pages.
A few years ago, a colleague of mine with low self-esteem wrote at
the beginning of his work, “It is not a great idea, but it could just
work." Our supervisors didn't even bother to read his work. Why? He
simply stated at the beginning that they would just stress themselves
if they read the piece.
Don’t Use Threatening Words
Another thing that would always repel your readers is if you threaten
them. This has never been an excellent way to win someone over to
your side. Threats would work against what you aim to achieve. For
instance, you wrote a letter for a promotion, and you put in the
message, "if I don't get this promotion, I am quitting." Sometimes,
this works, but most times, it works against the writer.
It is unimaginable for a lawyer to threaten the judge in his written
address or submission. Imagine, he writes, "If you don't acquit my
client, will you lose your job?" The lawyer's case would get struck out,
or the lawyer finds himself in jail for contempt. Using threatening
language or tone in your writing could annoy the readers, and your
aim would be dashed.
Avoid Bandwagon Persuasion
Using bandwagon persuasion is another form of influence that might
be fruitless. What is Bandwagon persuasion? Simply, it means trying
to convince your readers to approve an idea because most people are
doing it. Meanwhile, some people believe that they are unique and
don't get swayed because most are doing it. For instance, if you want
to persuade your boss for a raise, your reason should not be because
a rival company did the same. Sometimes, it could work, and you will
be able to persuade your audience; however, most times, it would
work against you.
Instead of telling your boss to give you a raise because a rival
company is doing it, ask him to do because you deserve it. Produce
facts on what you have done to get for salary increment. In the same
way, it is not proper to tell your spouse to buy you a gift because
others are doing it. Such comparison can be repulsive and make your
partner discouraged.
There was a time I wanted my parents to buy me a car. My Dad asked
me why I wanted a car, and my answer was, "because most of my
friends are using cars." My Dad looked at me scornfully and never
talked about the issue again until two years later. I shouldn't have
used a bandwagon persuasion on my Dad; I should have shown him
that I spend too much money taking a bus and taxi home.
Don’t Be Ambiguous
You should never use a vague tone when you are trying to persuade
people in your writing. They might interpret it wrongly. You should
know that what is good or bad is subjective. If something good for
you, it might be wrong in the view of others. So, if you put such
ambiguity in your work, it may work against you. In your writing,
you should be very straightforward with your audience.
For instance, at the beginning of your write-up, you should develop
something
like
"Life
is
Beautiful."
This
is
vague
without
explanations. You might be saying that because of your upbringing.
You might never have lived through revolutions, death, and war.
However, if your target audience is some people from African
countries facing conflict, poverty, and diseases, they may not see
things in the same light. It is better to say, "Life is beautiful when you
focus on the positive aspects."
Why Not Being Empathetic Gets You A "No"
Also, another primary reason why people don't get persuaded by you
is that you are not empathetic enough in what you are saying.
Empathy is the awareness of the feelings and the emotions of others.
You need to put yourself in the shoes of your audience to present a
message that resonates with their condition.
In the words of Daniel Goleman, empathy is the ability to understand
others' emotions. If you want to get more favorable responses, you
must be empathetic towards the person. For example, if you're going
to encourage a customer to buy your product, you must consider the
way the person will feel about what you are saying. If you were in the
person’s situation, will you buy the product based on the
recommendations of a sales agent like you?
According to Daniel Goleman, there are many critical elements of
empathy that
Understanding
makes others do your biddings. They are:
others, developing others, having a service
orientation, leveraging diversity, just to mention a few. The first
element is critical to your objective of successfully convincing
someone to agree with you. You can never persuade someone you
don't understand. You must sense people's feelings and perspectives
to take an active interest in their concerns.
Your listener wants to see genuine affection. He or she wants to
know that you are not encouraging them to decide for your selfish
interest. It can be tricky to do this if you are representing a firm.
Nonetheless, if you seek to offer value to your clients while
increasing your company’s sales, it must be evident to the customers
that you want to improve their lives.
The World Does Not Revolve Around You
Talking about empathy, I remember one of my younger sister's
birthday. She had pestered me to take her to the cinema to watch a
movie that was trending amongst her friends. I concurred, and I took
her to the cinema. On getting to the cinema, I saw a better movie,
and I wanted us to watch it. She refused flatly, and we went our
separate ways; she went for the movie we initially came to watch, and
I went to for the one I felt was the better movie. After the incident at
the cinema, she didn't agree with anything I said. I was labeled
inconsiderate and insensitive.
I could have easily watched the other movie some other time, but I
refused to feel her need to have her big brother around her on her
birthday. What I am trying to bring out from this example is that I
wasn't considerate. I should have realized that the world does not
revolve around me. After all, it was her birthday and not mine. I lost
the opportunity to get her to do other things that day because I was
selfish.
You can also empathize with people by acting on their needs and
concerns. Political figures adopt this particular element in their bid
to persuade people to vote them into office. Why did Barack Obama
win the election in 2008? His approach was to make people's lives
better, better work-life, more robust military, etc. He convinced
Americans because he made them believe that he would focus on
their needs and concerns.
Have A Service Orientation
If what you are saying to someone doesn't have to do with you
developing them in any way, you would find it difficult to persuade
them. Empathy can also be demonstrated by showing people that
you have a service orientation. Having a service orientation means
putting the needs of others into consideration. Most people don't
have this orientation, and it is one of the reasons why they find it
difficult to sway others.
For example, if you walk into a drug store to buy aspirin, and the
attendant gave you a very unwelcoming gesture, would you like to go
back to the place? No. It is evident that he lacked service orientation
and has dissuaded you from going to the store again. Perhaps, when
you were about to leave, the attendant tried to intimate you on a new
thing to buy. You are most certainly going to decline because when
you entered, he did not treat you well. It applies to everyone; if you
don’t demonstrate the desire to put the needs of others first, they
would never give you a favorable response.
Leverage Diversity
Another way you can be empathetic is when you leverage diversity.
This simply means that you tailor the way you interact with others to
fit their needs and feelings. Remember that people are not the same,
and you need to appreciate individual differences in your dealings. It
doesn't mean that you would have to treat people the same, but the
discrepancy in how you treat them shouldn't evident.
For instance, most people would walk away from a store that sent out
its regular customers for the sake of a more prosperous customer.
Such a store would lose people because they couldn't leverage the
diversity between their standard and wealthy clients. Imagine you
are in a group and you give attention more to a group member at the
expense of others. You are not likely to get a satisfactory reply from
others when you need feedback.
Chapter Three
How To Change 'No' Into A 'Hell, Yes'
Getting people to say yes to you is not as difficult as it seems. In the
previous chapter, you have learned why they decline your proposal,
reject your terms, and leave you in a relationship. The line between
getting a yes and a no is very slim, but you can improve your chances
of acceptance by leveraging the tips in this chapter.
Eliminating Limitations
There was a time I had the opportunity of meeting the CEO of one of
the best marketing companies. I presented my ideas to him, but he
wasn't impressed because of how I had explained to him. I used big
words that bored him out, and I talked about the success of the idea
vaguely. However, a colleague of mine pitched the same idea to him,
and he got an appointment with the CEO. The difference between the
two of us was that he explained in simple terms while I used
complicated words. He talked with certainty about the success of the
idea, and he was confident it would succeed. The line between
getting a yes and a no is fragile.
The first thing to do if you want to get a yes from someone is to make
what you are saying, appealing to the self-concept of the person. This
is to say that the person you are talking to must feel involved in what
you say. Self-concept simply has to do with the identity of someone,
things that can be associated with someone, and the sense of being
separated from others. Everyone wants to be treated with
importance; what you have to say must appeal to the things that are
important to the person you are saying it to.
Remember the earlier example of Hopkins and Schlitz. Schlitz
purifies his beers just like all other brewers, but none of them talked
about how their purity. Hopkins used this to make his advert that
took Schlitz to the top of the chart. He made people feel like his
product was the purest and the healthiest to drink among all others.
In this example, Hopkins knew that people care for their health,
which is vital to them. Perhaps those that didn't drink beer started
drinking because the advert made it seem it was healthy for them.
Lessons From Insurance Companies
Insurance companies have so many customers because their
insurance policies appeal to their self-concept. Many people want
their properties safe. So, they don’t mind paying what seems like
stipends to guarantee that. Insurance companies give policies that
make sure that their customers feel secured about their properties.
A car policy, for instance, is one of the ways insurance companies
convince their customers to ensure their cars with them. They give
policies like, "if your car gets stolen or damaged, giving you have paid
certain beneficiary sums, we will get you a new car or fix the damage
without any expenditure accruing to you." You can see that that is a
tempting offer, and many people will want to jump at it because it
appeals to their interest, which has to do with securing their
properties.
There was a time at my place of work when some insurance agents
came to advertise their policies. It was a health insurance policy. For
a little over peanuts in our annual income, they offered to pay for the
health services any worker would need if they ever fell sick. I’m still
using the policy even though I don't work for the company again and
many of us when they came. Their offer was able to influence us to
accept their system because it appealed to our interest.
This means that if you want to persuade someone to listen to you and
accept your views, you must think of what you can do to appeal to
their self-interest. Create messages or instances that are dedicated to
them. Instead of talking about how good your idea is, talk about how
it would benefit them. For example, if you want to get a job or you
want to get a promotion, you must be able to show them what they
stand to gain if you were given that post. Also, if you wish to more
customers as a businessman, create marketing messages dedicated to
prospective clients. The messages shouldn't talk about the company,
but about how the products can benefit them.
A Cue From Movie And Game Makers
Big companies with lots of customers seldom talk about how good
and powerful they are. Besides, they rarely talk about the educational
qualifications and capability of their workers. Instead, they talk
about their products, features, and how they can add value to the
lives of their customers.
Furthermore, most game enthusiasts watched the YouTube video
session of the new PS5 that would be released very soon. There were
great reviews and comments after the video session, and many
people would buy the console. Why? It is simple. Sony didn't only
show the customers that they can make video game consoles or that
they have hired the best software engineers for their products.
Instead, they made their customers know that the new product
would make them have a more natural like experience of their game.
The company also informed buyers that they could play certain Xbox games with the console and many more. Sony didn't only
demonstrate that they have created another product; it also showed
the customers the advantages of buying their latest game console.
More so, before Avengers End Game was released last year, many
already bought tickets of cinemas that would be showing it. Why? It
is just like what I have explained earlier. They created awareness that
appealed to the target audience’s interest in watching a fantasy
movie of superheroes.
So, to be able to get desired responses, you must have something that
would appeal to the interest of your audience. It would get you that
promotion, the respect and appreciation you want from your kids,
and the sales you wish to you to make. It will practically help you to
achieve your goals. If you can't make your proposal appeal to the
interest of the person you are giving it to, you can never get to
persuade that person.
Always Offer Value
If you want to win over a person and sweep them off their feet, you
must make them feel that whatever you are offering them is worth it.
Top brands understand that offering value is the most practical and
sustainable marketing strategy. When you purchase a top-quality
product, you will tell your loved ones to buy it. Referrals will go a
long way in establishing the authenticity of a product and build a
company’s image. Social media makes it easy to spread the news.
Nike, for example, endorses celebrities to increase the appeal of its
products. Nonetheless, its high customer satisfaction is not built on
this approach. The company offers some of the best quality shoes in
the world. Nike uses good texture to develop its footwear. Besides,
the interior is very soft, which gives comfort to the feet and makes
you easily maneuver while wearing it. So, the success of this
organization is primarily built on quality products and, secondarily,
adverts.
Apple uses the same model. When it released its latest product,
iPhone 11, it made the features appealing to the customers.
Nonetheless, the vast sales were not just about its impressive
marketing strategies but the exciting features of the phone. For
example, the nature of the security of this new product makes it
appealing to top people in the business world. Such individuals can
be sure that their data is safe on this phone.
Over seventy-five percent of Americans lament that they have made
an impulsive purchase. In other words, they bought products they
never wanted or never planned to buy. This phenomenon is known
as Post Purchase Cognitive Dissonance. They will feel that the
purchase wasn't worth it later. This has put in their minds that they
would not invest in similar products based on their past experiences.
So, for you to convince them to buy your product, you must get your
promotion right. Nevertheless, beyond the advert, you must be able
to offer them products that provide them value.
Appeal To Logic
Appealing to emotions can help you gain attention, but it is not
sustainable, especially if you are building long-term. You will lose
relevance in no time if you do not present reasonable ideas. For
instance, as a sales rep, your objective is to make sales. Nonetheless,
you cannot achieve this goal without convincing prospective
customers that the product is worth their investment.
You will have to highlight practical ways they will benefit by
purchasing the item. Besides, you will also let them know why your
product is superior to conventional ones. You may have to mention
the ingredients in the product make it safe for them. Besides, you
may have to explain that yours is cheaper than other options
available in the market. You need to convince your clients that they
will have no regrets if they invest in your product.
Leverage Selective Perception
Another thing you should take into consideration when speaking is
selective perception. For instance, if a person who keeps fit but still
smokes sees an advert on healthy books. It would not appeal to him
at first, but if he sees a post that says the harms of smoking, he will
click on the healthy book. It wasn't the book's advert that persuaded
him to click on it; it was when his subconscious saw the harms of
smoking that made him click.
What this example is trying to explain is that the man that smokes
was drawn to the book because under the advert was the harm of
what he does. Focusing on only what appeals to you is selective
perception. To leverage selective perception, you need selective
persuasion. In other words, you will submerge the main idea as the
minute part of a bigger picture.
Big companies sometimes use particular persuasion in their adverts.
I watched a Nike advert on YouTube a while ago. The setting was in
Brazil. A boy was wearing a Nike soccer boot, and the rest weren't
wearing anything; they were playing barefooted. In the advert, it was
obvious the boy in the Nike soccer boot was a better player. He
dribbled, passed, and shot better than the remaining boys. The
company leveraged selective perception in this advert. Nike didn't
say that playing soccer barefooted was a bad thing, but they did show
that wearing Nike sneakers to play soccer would make you a better
player.
Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs
In some situations, the people you seek to convince might think that
they do not need what you are offering them. According to Maslow,
humans have a pyramid of needs, and the completion of one need
would get us to the next. In the hierarchy, he said that at the bottom,
we have the Physiological needs, which had to do with our basic
needs as humans, e.g., Foot, clothing, and shelter. After that, we have
safety, followed by Love/belonging, Esteem, and finally, Selfactualization - a level of need that not many people have achieved.
Figure 1:Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs. Credits: www.medium.com
According to Maslow, many people are in between the Safety/ Love
or belonging pyramid. This is why you wouldn't persuade most
people because they don't think they need what you are giving them.
For example, if you are trying to get someone to purchase something
that is meant for someone in the Esteem need, but what the person
needed at the moment is in the Safety need, they would
unequivocally say no to you.
However, you can still persuade them if you could conjure a logical
argument, which would make them feel like they need what you are
offering. For instance, in cases of couples or parents who haven't got
life insurance and they don't feel like they needed it at the moment.
You could, as a right insurance company agent posit this logical
question to them: "What will happen to your partner or who would
take care of your children if something was to happen to you?" They
would immediately realize that they needed the insurance policy
because it is sure that everyone would die, and nobody knows when
they would meet with death.
Becoming A Gem Among Stones
It should also be noted that the person you are trying to persuade can
access a plethora of things on what you are trying to convince
him/her into doing. In 2000, shoppers at an upscale food market
saw a display of twenty-four varieties of gourmet jam, and those that
sampled it received a one-dollar coupon off the jam. Not very far
away, there was another table that similar to the first one, but on this
table were only six samples. What would happen? People would be
less likely to buy from the second table, given that they have seen the
first table.
You can stand out among your peers who do the same things through
the following guidelines:
Be Heavily Reliant On Facts
If you want to earn the trust of people with your write-ups, you
should be fact-reliant. For instance, if you're going to publish a
motivational book or other write-ups, you must corroborate your
arguments with facts. Moreover, if you want to impress your readers,
you should base all the facts on the most up to date information. For
example, if you're going to give a presentation on Google, you should
use what they have done recently to win the applause of your
audience.
To create a good impression, you should do enough research on what
you are about to tell them. The words of experts on the issue would
go a long way in helping you convince your readers. For instance,
when writing about the advantages of consuming CBD products, you
should cite studies that have proven that this substance is safe and
has therapeutic effects.
It is also applicable in the academic field. If you are writing about the
E=MC2 equation, you should include Albert Einstein and whatever
he has said on the atomic bomb equation to corroborate your point.
So, if you are trying to sell an idea, regardless of your field, you
should always do adequate research on the topic and quote experts to
solidify your claims.
Think About Potential Objections
One of the very best ways to impress your audience is to think about
their objections. Have a foresight into what they might have against
your work and remove them. For instance, if you are presenting a
new idea to your company, think about possible areas of contention.
Don't look at it from your perspective; look at it with the eyes of a
critic.
It is just like how lawyers prepare their brief in a formidable manner.
They would think of the likely objections the other counsel would
raise, and they would block it out. SUITS, a law series, demonstrated
this meticulousness in detail. In the series, two savant lawyers rub
minds before they go for any matter - Harvey Spectre and Mike Ross.
They both stand as opposing counsels and fault all they have to say
on the case in preparation for the court session. If you want to sway
others, you must be your own staunchest critic. Scrutinize your work
in the worst way possible, then block out anything that could serve as
an objection. This approach will ensure that you will provide logical
responses to both constructive and destructive critics.
Go All Out To Captivate Your Listeners Or Readers
Presenting facts is integral to the credibility of any presentation.
Nonetheless, it can become dull and monotonous if you don’t show it
compellingly. Bring up an incident or a powerful statistic that would
capture the mind of your readers. In most bestsellers, when you read
the prologue, the story they would give you would encourage you to
continue reading.
This is what most news outlets use in their headlines. They coin the
words in such a way that you, as a reader, would want to know the
body of the news. For example, if you're going to write a letter for
promotion, you should start it with something colossal you have
done for the company. It would serve as an incentive that would
make your boss consider your request.
Furthermore, from the beginning of this book, you can see that I
have been giving examples to make the explanations more
comprehensive. If you want to persuade your readers as well, use a
lot of illustrations and models that they can relate to in your book.
For instance, if you are talking about politics, use current political
leaders to corroborate your position.
Organize Your Points Systematically
You should organize your ideas and arguments logically and
systematically. Note that the organization can be challenging when
writing. Nonetheless, there is a simple way to do it. Start your
discussion with the weakest, build on it, and end it with the
strongest. Or, you may start your work with a generally accepted
idea. Build well on it before moving to the ones your readers might
oppose.
One crucial way to get a yes from your audience is if you finish your
work with a very powerful and emotional appeal. Studies have shown
that human beings are emotional creatures. So, while building on
facts, an emotional appeal is also critical. There was this time that I
watched a documentary on how one of the most notorious criminals
was sent to the gas chamber.
When the prosecuting counsel was addressing the jury, he was so
emotional that some of them were crying; I can remember he said;
"…use the lives of the innocent that he has wasted to judge him, use
the sorrow of the family he has bereaved to sentence him; a man like
this cannot be left wandering on our street; who knows the next
havoc he would wreck? The next life he would cut short? The next
family he would bereave? The decision is in your hands…" Here, the
lawyer stirred up emotion in the jury, and the man was finally
sentenced to death. Be like that lawyer; emit emotions from your
work; it would go a long way in affecting your audience.
Obstacles To Successful Persuasion
According to Kurt Mortensen, in his book Persuasion IQ, some
obstacles hinder successful persuasion. They include:
Trying too hard: - If someone doesn't really dig into
what you are saying, move on. If you continue to linger and
try harder than you should, the person would be turned
off. Probably the person had been thinking about accepting
your proposal. If they see you as too keen, they will begin
to doubt you, and with time, they would leave you. So, if
you don't want to be declined, you should know when to
stop.
Not putting in the required effort: - This is just like
the first point, if you fail to input the necessary effort to
convince the person, they would think you are not serious
about what you are saying, or lazy. They would never buy
into what you are telling them. You should put the effort in
that is required to get what you want.
Making assumptions about your audience: - You
shouldn't assume what your audience is going to be. In the
words of Albert Einstein, "Assumption is the lowest form
of knowledge." Get to know your audience and interact
with them on what you have known. Indeed, there are
times you would have to assume about your audience, but
you should keep in mind that new evidence about them
could surface, and you should be ready to reassess.
Overrating yourself: - You are supposed to be confident
but do not be overconfident in your bid to persuade your
audience. They will see you as pretentious, and this could
be counterproductive. If you are overconfident, you will fail
to hone your skills, and you will keep getting rejections.
You are supposed to sit down and think hard about where
your flaws are, and you should think about ways in which
you can improve.
Forgetting about the importance of the whole
conversation: - You are supposed to engage your
audience from the beginning of your conversation to sway
them at heart. Do not stray, everything you say must be in
line with the goal.
Not being prepared: - There was this time I had a
personal experience at failure because I wasn't prepared
enough for a presentation. It was a college presentation,
and I didn't study enough because I thought to myself,
"How hard can it be?" When I got to the podium, I
fumbled. If you don't want to perform woefully as I did in
the face of your audience, you should be well prepared. If
you aren't, they will see through you and think you value
your time more than theirs.
Providing too much information: - This is another
way you hinder yourself from getting the right response.
Just like the second point, you should tell them what they
want to know. It would look like rocket science if you
explain everything to them, but if you tell them what they
need to know, then you would be able to make their
decision-making easier.
Chapter Four
Importance Of Body Language
In a one-on-one conversation or public speaking, your gestures go a
long way in determining your success. Your gestures can say more
than your words. Therefore, it is vital to understand body language
and how you can leverage it in your interpersonal and professional
relationships. This chapter explores some of the crucial aspects of
body language. However, for a detailed explanation of this concept,
read “The Subtle Art Of Speed Reading People.”
What Is Body Language?
While you are trying to convince your listeners, you might have done
all that is necessary, but the audience will still not buy into your
ideas. Why? Your body language might be putting them off. Your
body language includes the way you position your feet, arm, face, and
other body parts during a discussion. It can be your facial
expressions or your leg positions. Body language is one of the things
that turn people off from what you have to say. You must show them
with your body language that you are confident about what you are
saying. People do not like weakness, and once they sense it in you,
they won't be convinced by anything you want to say.
The first impression matters a lot, and it is not your voice or how to
talk that would strike people. It is how you carry yourself that would
determine what kind of impression your audience will have of you.
You should know that the kind of aura that hangs around you when
you enter a room would determine how you would be attended to.
For instance, if you exude confidence, people would most likely want
to listen to you. However, if you display timidity, you might find it
difficult to get the attention you crave.
Have you ever seen Mark Zuckerberg flinch when facing the camera?
Have you ever seen Barack Obama stutter when addressing the
public? The answers to the two questions would be no. For many
successful people in business, political figures, and many more, one
quality they all possess is confidence. What better way can they show
it than through their body language?
How To Use Your Body Language To Persuade
People
Communicating correctly with my body has helped me tremendously
many times. For example, I was called for a job interview, and after
we had done the exam, many of us passed. I got into the room where
I met three stone-faced interviewers. I greeted them, and they
instructed me to sit down. At first, I was very nervous, and my palm
was sweaty.
Luckily, I remember something I read somewhere about confidence
and what it would do for you. So, I inhaled heavily and exhaled in the
same manner. When I was asked the first question, I answered
flawlessly, and it caught their fancy. At the end of my session with
them, one of the interviewers said he loved my confidence. A few
weeks after the interview, I was given an appointment.
In the words of Barbara Pachter, "I believe that if you project an
assured, credible and composed image, people will respond to you…"
If you want to gain good attention, you must demonstrate
confidence, credibility, and composure. If you can nurture yourself
into these things, you will find it easy to make the right impression.
There are various ways in which you can achieve a confident,
composed, and credible body language. All other things fall in place
when you have the confidence to attempt it. The following are some
of what would help you to ooze out confidence via your body
language:
Be Assertive
The first thing you should do to make your body language scream
confidence is being assertive. According to Barbara Pachter, stand
confidently; keep your legs aligned with your shoulders, and your
feet approximately four to six inches apart. Distribute your weight
equally on both legs, keep your shoulders back - but not way back and turn your body towards others. This is what an assertive posture
looks like - you stand tall and exude confidence.
A submissive posture can demonstrate humility when speaking to
your superiors. However, it will give you out as some with low selfesteem when talking to your colleagues. Such gestures will not earn
you respect in some settings. The presidential debate between Barack
Obama and Mitt Romney demonstrated the benefits of assertiveness.
When they started, they both had a good start, but towards the end,
Obama floored him because he maintained an assertive posture, but
Romney didn't. When the debate was going awry for Romney, he
took a defeated stance, and people read into it. Obama read into it
and continued to hammer on. It was part of why some people at the
last minute were convinced to vote for him.
Avoid Using Submissive Sitting Positions
Make sure you avoid sitting in submissive positions. If you do, you
show your audience that you don't have the confidence to address
them, and they would not hear you. Even when they listen to you,
they will not trust your counsels and submissions. This posture
involves sitting down with your legs crossed, your arms folded in
front of you, or with weight passed down on one hip. I watched a
show where Keanu Reeves was interviewed. He sat down with
confidence. It was written all over him, and many people, including
me, wanted to hear the words coming out of his mouth.
Jack Ma, a famous Chinese businessman, is also an excellent
example of sitting with assurance. The first time I watched his
interview, I was so engrossed with what he said that I left my
microwave on throughout the program. One of the things that drew
me to him was the fact that he sat on his chair with authority. It is
also applicable to the music and dance industry. We all get wowed by
these rappers and singers with the way they walk, sit, squat, etc. They
do all these things with confidence, and you should learn from them.
Consider Using Power Poses
During Amy Cuddy's TED talk in 2012, she said that two minutes of
power poses could help you feel more confident. She explained
further that these poses help send a signal to your brain, which
produces testosterone. They also lower your cortisol levels, which
imply that they reduce your stress levels.
In trying to achieve an assertive posture, you need to stand tall and
keep your posture open. If you stand tall, you portray a confident
aura. However, you shouldn't puff your shoulders or heave your
chest out. Standing tall makes your airway aligned to speak clearer
and louder. Also, keeping your posture opened makes you seem more
confident and trustworthy to your audience, which might have an
effect on their subconscious, and they would want to listen to you.
Maintain Eye Contact
Being able to maintain appropriate eye contact reflects selfconfidence. You don't see Mark Zuckerberg looking down at his toes
when addressing an audience; neither do you see Hillary Clinton
avoiding eye contact with those she is speaking with. Eye contact is a
very crucial body language. If you can maintain eye contact, it means
you are approachable, honest, and confident. You need to do this
with whomever you are addressing, whether a person, two people, or
a large crowd.
It is a body language that makes your audience trust you. People who
can’t maintain eye contact are either hiding something,
uncomfortable, showing a lower status, or are being submissive. And
if the audience finds any of these features, you will have a hard time
convincing them. In the words of Michael Ellsberg, for eye contact to
feel good, one person must not impose his visual will on another
person. It should be a shared experience. You share feelings through
eye contact with your audience. They see in your eyes, whether what
you are saying is genuine or not.
It is more difficult to keep eye contact in large gatherings. If you find
yourself in this position, focus on the key members of the audience.
Do not take time, alternate through the room; this helps you to have
a personal touch with your audience, which makes them vulnerable
to persuasion.
Keep An Eye On Your Hands
You should also watch your hands when you are addressing your
audience. According to Barbara Pachter, an essential part of
mastering body language is to know what your hands are saying.
When you are handling your audience, get your hands involved
because it strengthens your points, and your audience would follow
you. Take, for instance, if you are pitching a great idea to your
bosses, your body language will count as part of the things that
would persuade them to accept your opinion.
Use your hand to walk them through your ideas with your hand
gestures carefully. However, it must not be too often because it
would make you seem nervous or frantic. Note that some hand
gestures could turn your audience off. For instance, putting your
hand on your hips gives an aura of arrogance or impatience. Also,
crossing your hand might pass the information that you are closed
off, uncomfortable or defensive. These gestures can make your
listeners uninterested in your ideas.
Leverage Facial Expressions
Another body language you should take note of is your facial
expressions. When you want to address others, they want to feel
accepted. They need to feel that there are some emotions behind
your eyes. Most people have certain stern standard facial
expressions, which make them less approachable.
There was a time some of my friends told me to smile often. They
told me that they found it difficult to talk to me because of my facial
expressions. You cannot convince others that you are approachable
when you frown. Indeed, mean people smile sometimes. However,
no one knows you without hearing, you speak. Meanwhile, you can
appear endearing with your face language.
You must keep a loose facial expression if you want to have a positive
impact on your audience. If you are talking to people, they tend to
look at your face. If your face isn’t appealing enough, you might not
have the effect you want to have, which would persuade them,
regardless of how detailed your presentation is. If you keep an
endearing facial expression, you will sound more sincere, humane,
and trustworthy.
According to Pachter, “there can be severe career consequences if
you keep a severe standard facial expression. People may avoid you,
think you are mad at them, or get defensive around you, and they are
not good outcomes if you want to connect with them.” If you want to
connect with your audience, do not keep a possum facial expression;
loosen your face. Smile often; it makes your listeners think you have
nothing to worry about. If you smile at someone, they become
comfortable and would probably smile back. Your audience wants to
see that they can be comfortable around you. Meanwhile, getting
them to feel comfortable around, you will go a long way in helping
you persuade them because they will be ready to listen to you.
Move Freely
There are times when you will find yourself in a position to address a
large crowd, e.g., TED talks, presentation of your idea to the board of
directors, among many more. If you find yourself in such a situation,
you should make sure you move freely. What do I mean? Note that
when addressing an audience, a large one at that, you address them
through the stage. You should know that the stage is your territory,
use it. Do not make the mistake of staying in a place because it makes
you look incompetent and scared. Move around the stage to look
more natural, confident, and at ease with your surroundings, which
would make you take your audience along.
If you watch shows where the speaker will have to stand up and
address the audience, the more interesting ones move freely on the
stage. You follow them with your eyes where they go, which keeps
you more interested in whatever they say. The same is applicable if
you are faced with a broad audience. Breathe in and out, and move
freely in your surroundings. It shows that you are confident, and it
allows you to project your voice in different manners.
Don’t Fidget
When speaking to an audience, some postures make them think that
you are fidgeting. Meanwhile, and if they feel you are not assured,
they will doubt you. If you are someone that has fidgeting habits, like
tapping your foot repeatedly on the ground, twirling your hair, or
jingling something in your pocket, just to mention a few, you should
work on yourself. These signs are sometimes seen as acts of
nervousness, and like it has been discussed earlier, you don’t want to
be seen as nervous.
You should pay attention to these habits and improve yourself
consciously because they may distract people from getting to know
you, and that would take away from the message you are trying to
pass across. Note these habits and work on changing them.
Mirroring Body Language
It is not your body language alone that matters; the body language of
your audience also counts. If two people are talking, they both
communicate in the language they both understand. Also, body
language is used by people, not by just one person. What I am saying,
in essence, is that if you want to bond with your audience, you should
consider mirroring their body language to build acceptance and
understanding.
Mirroring someone’s body language is just reacting in the same
manner as the person. For instance, if the person you are addressing
sits in a particular position, you can mirror their body language by
sitting in a similar position, or you can put on the expression on their
faces or just their simple mannerism. It makes them feel comfortable
around you and makes them talk freely to you and accept what you
have to say. By mirroring their body language, they would think that
you are similar to them.
However, timing is crucial when leveraging mirror body language.
You should always know when to mirror the gestures of others. If you
reflect someone’s body language at the wrong time, they might think
you are ridiculing them or poking fun at them. To succeed in
mirroring other people’s body language, you must make it feel and
seem natural, not just to mimic or displease those you are talking to.
Use Firm Handshakes
One more thing we should know when we want to use our body
language to persuade people is that we should have firm handshakes.
Your input in the subconscious of the person you are trying to
convince is your confidence, and they don’t have anything to worry
about. I have worked with a lot of successful people in business,
CEOs, managers, etc. One thing is prevalent among all of them: they
all give firm handshakes.
Once they grip your hands, you have this feeling that you can trust
them even before you hear anything they have to say. If you want to
persuade your listener, probably for a business meeting, a dinner, or
any other gathering where you can meet people, your handshake
must be firm enough to ooze confidence. However, don’t make it too
tight; it should be firm enough.
A large part of communication comes from body language, which
includes facial expressions, handshakes, postures, among others.
You should be conscious of the messages you pass via your body
language. However, recognizing these body languages is not enough
to persuade. You will have to do a lot of practice so that they would
seem and appear natural enough.
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Chapter Five
Listening Is Key
Many people like the sound of their voices; they’d prefer to say all
they want to without giving a hoot about what the other person has
to say. However, this approach will not endear you to others. This is
one of the major turn-offs for people. According to Bernard M.
Baruch, “Most successful people I’ve known are the ones who do
more listening than talking.” Listening is not an act; it is an art you
have to master. This chapter looks at the benefits and importance of
listening. You will also learn about some features that makes you a
terrible listener.
The Art Of Listening
Many people do not realize that listening is a skill. Meanwhile,
hearing is natural, but listening isn’t. In other words, hearing does
not require effort, but the same cannot be said about listening. One
of the worst experiences I have ever heard came from a client of
mine, who, before being followed by me, experienced this situation
embarrassing enough to be taken as an example.
He was working with a marketing company. After a while he was
talking and showing the slides of his PowerPoint presentation, he
surprised the potential customer by snoring louder and louder. He
was so busy making her buy the product that he didn't even stop for a
moment to listen to what she wanted to tell him. If he had involved
her and wasn't too interested in what he was saying, maybe he would
have found it fascinating. In L. Ron Hubbard's words, the only way
to entertain some people is to listen to them.
Listening is an important quality you need to succeed in your various
relationships. If you want to enjoy more success when gaining the
attention and approval of others, you need to develop your listening
skills. Many of these big companies are not using magic or voodoo to
persuade you to get their product; they listen to you to understand
you and provide a product that would suit your taste. Listen to
others, and you will see how you will convince them to do what you
tell them.
I loved playing video games when I was younger, and I watched
many videos on YouTube by game console developers about the next
new game. There was this time I was going through the comment
section of PS3 on YouTube, and I saw a post which was liked by
many people about how unreal PS3 games were.
The customers said that Sony should make their game consoles
strong enough to make their games more real. And in 2013, Sony
released PS4 with a more realistic effect of the games. Many buyers,
after the game console was released, gave very nice reviews. Sony got
more customers to buy PS4 because they listened to that review of a
fan and worked on it.
Listening To Keep Your Relationships Intact
You can only know what your loved ones want when you listen to
them. Meanwhile, being able to satisfy the needs of others
guarantees their loyalty and commitment to you. There was a time
one of my many female friends came to me crying, asking me what to
do about her boyfriend who was cheating on her with one of her
friends. I am not an expert in handling romantic relationships, but I
provided the tips she needed because I listened to her.
I just sat down for three hours and listened to how she suspected
them and later how she found out that they saw each other. After she
had told me everything, I just said that she should stay away from
him and find happiness in other things because it was evident that he
didn’t respect her. She jumped on my advice immediately, and it
later paid off for her.
As I said, I wasn’t good with relationships, and it wasn’t that my
advice was top-notch. It was a line I picked from a movie I had
watched. But what made her use my advice? Simple, I listened to all
her rants. This is similar to all spheres in which you want to persuade
your boss, your kids, your parents, your friends, among others. If you
could take the time out to listen, you would be able to let them see
reasons with you
In “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People”, written by Steven
Covey, I can remember the example of the CEO who had a problem
getting his daughter to do anything he wanted. The man had a very
terrible listening skill, and it affected his relationship with his
daughter. However, after he reflected on what his wife told him that
“He didn’t listen her desires,” and he sharpened his listening skills,
he realized that his daughter started doing things the way he wanted.
Why Is Listening Important?
Listening has numerous benefits that can improve the quality of your
life. Below are some the reasons it is essential to let others express
themselves:
To Understand The Needs Of Others
For instance, you might want your friend to purchase a chocolate
cake. If you haven’t been listening to him/her, you cannot know that
they have chocolate allergies. The person will most definitely decline
to buy the cake. But, if you have been paying attention, you would
know that there is an issue, to adopt a different approach, like
“Wendy, I know you have chocolate allergies, but you can buy this
cake for your nephew because he loves chocolate.” Wendy will know
that you care for her well-being and would think about your
proposal, which is most likely that she would accept.
There was a time Charles, one of my clients, presented one of his
brilliant ideas to a company where he was an employee. The board
even commended the idea, but you know something? It was never
accepted. Why? Simple, he wasn’t listening to his boss. He told him
that Charles should develop an idea for gaining more customers for a
cereal producing company; instead, he gave an extensive
presentation on how a cement company could gain more clients. His
presentation was absurd, regardless of how detailed it was. His
company didn’t need it at the moment. So, his well-presented
strategy was thrown out of the window.
Apple just doesn’t develop a new gadget; they build their devices
because of what their customers have said on the previous ones. In
the same way, Nike doesn’t just make new shoes because they can;
they make new and better shoes because of the reviews they have got
on the previous ones they made.
Listening Enables You To Learn More
You cannot learn by speaking because you will only hear to yourself.
However, listening enables you to have more information about a
topic or someone. It gives you the insight you never had and a new
perspective on solving a problem. One statement of Larry King that I
have always held on to is when he said, “I remind myself every
morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I am
going to learn, I must do it by listening.”
Listening more to others would give you a lot of information about
others. The data will be useful in the short or long run when you
need to make decisions. Remember that the quality of your decisionmaking hinges on the information you have. Meanwhile, quality
decision-making will help you to make good choices that will
improve the quality of your life. In the words of Yogi Berra, “You can
hear a lot just by listening.”
Our world, as it is now, is information-driven. So, how much you
know about those you want to persuade will go a long way in helping
you sway them. How can you know about them if you don’t listen to
them? For instance, in a court of law, if a criminal matter is ongoing,
the lawyers would have to listen attentively to what the witnesses,
the opposing lawyer, and the accused say to persuade the judge to
rule in their favor.
The more you listen, the more you will be able to gather critical facts
about those that you want to persuade. Pay attention to what your
boss wants for that project or what your kids have to say. Also, be
willing to receive what your parents feel about your idea or what your
customers have to say on your products. This simple habit can have
tremendous effects on your working and interpersonal relationships.
It Helps You To Earn The Respect And Admiration Of Others
Another benefit of listening to others is that they will like you more.
Many people in this generation do not really listen. Many people
don’t show a high level of attention to other people anymore;
however, if you could show others that their opinion counts, it gives
you an edge over the norm.
Many parents cannot get their kids to appreciate them or respect
them because they don’t listen to them. I can remember when I was
growing up when I visited one of my cousins for Christmas. He was a
nice young man, but he always has heated arguments and
misunderstandings with his dad. There was the time I asked him why
he hated his dad so much and didn’t respect him at all. I can
remember the answer he gave me, which would always ring in my
head when I finally have my kids. He said, “That stupid man never
listens to me. He thinks everything he says is what is right.”
Like it has been explained earlier, people tend to talk more about
themselves. So, if they can get someone to listen to their rants, when
it is time for the listener to speak, they would be swayed. It is simple.
If you show interest in the life of people and you allow them to talk
about themselves, they will admire you. When you provide them with
a piece of advice, you will quickly sweep them off their feet.
For instance, a couple of years ago, I met a lady at a conference I
went for. From the way she conversed, you will instantly deduce that
she has an introverted demeanor. I tried very hard to make her go
out with me, and after several rejections, she accepted my invitation.
When we got to the restaurant, she was shy to talk, but when I asked
her questions about her and showed real interest in her life, she
came out. She was going through a lot. She was raped, got pregnant,
gave birth to the child who later died, and battled with cancer.
I gently held her eyes, looked into her eyes, and told her to hold on,
and I also advised her to go to one of a top-grade doctor I know. She
already told me that many people had reported her to visit different
doctors that she wasn’t ready to visit anyone. Still, she visited the
doctor I recommended because I paid attention to what was
happening to her.
It Nourishes Relationships
Most celebrities are liked and are listened to because they show that
they listen to what other people say. There is this Instagram
influencer called Kingbach. Many people get persuaded to buy things
he posts on Instagram because he had shown them in many ways
that he listens to them. For example, there was a time when he said
he would do anything people told him and post a video about it.
From the comment section, he did what they had suggested, and he
posted a video about them. Kingbach would easily sway those whose
suggestions get picked if he posted something, perhaps an advert
saying they should buy something because he simply gave his
followers a listening ear.
People seldom get someone who would want to listen to them
because everyone is going through one thing or the other.
Nonetheless, if you could find time to make others feel you care
about what they are saying, they will find it easy to speak to you and
grant your requests. Many reputable companies benefit from
listening to their customers, which makes them rate them more. This
strategy makes it easy for them to convince their clients to get their
latest products. For instance, many top companies have links where
customers could give suggestions. Most times, they use these
suggestions, which earn them the admiration of their teeming
customers.
It Reveals Deeper Meanings
Another benefit you seem to gain when you listen attentively to
people is to get subtle messages and signs. Some people don’t say
everything about themselves, but from their demeanor, if you pay
enough attention, you will pick pieces of information that will be
easily missed. If you employ your observation skills and tap into your
intuitive senses, you will be able to get less obvious facts quickly.
For instance, if you are trying to get a customer to buy a product, if
you pay enough attention, you will know from the subtle signs that
they will give you whether or not they have been swayed. Some
would be grumbling, muttering, or making faces that pass across
information about their state of mind, and the only way you can get
this is if you pay enough attention to them.
There was a time I interned at an organization where I was assigned
to a company that sold baby products. I was given the guide job. A
lovely lady entered the store to buy diapers for her baby but didn’t
know which one to buy. I walked up to her and asked what she
wanted to buy, and she told me that she wanted a diaper for her
child. I asked which product she had in mind. She said she didn’t
know. I took her to the diaper section, and I started showing her a
series of diapers. As we passed each section, she made some faces,
which meant she disapproved of them. There was a time we came
upon the best, but her grumbling told she didn’t want to get it. I
didn’t force any on her; she later bought the one she felt was the best
for her child.
This example is merely trying to explain that if I hadn’t been paying
attention to her, I wouldn’t have seen those expressions on her on
the face. I would have dwelled on the one I thought was best, and she
might end up not buying any.
What Makes You A Bad Listener?
The more you try to listen, the more you’ll realize how difficult it is.
Many things serve as an obstruction for listening attentively. It may
be consciously or subconsciously. The more you do these things, the
worse you get at paying attention and convincing others. Consciously
stop the following habits that have negative impacts on your listening
skills:
Lack Of Focus
One of the most common things that get us easily distracted from
listening is not focusing. Focus is a critical aspect of listening. If you
want to get information, endear yourself to a person, pick subtle
signals from the speaker, you must be focused when listening. Many
people lose focus almost immediately. They start a conversation with
another person.
Perhaps what the person has to say is boring, or what they are saying
is of little concern to you. In such situations, we get easily distracted
and space out. It is a subconscious thing. Most people do not know
when they slip away from their speaker and start doing something
entirely different, taking their minds away from whatever the
speaker says.
I can remember one of my first dates. I was 17, and I picked Lia at
her house, and we went to one of the best Chinese restaurants in
town. We entered, and we ate before small talks began. I wanted her
to be my girlfriend, but we ended up as friends because of my lousy
listening habit of losing focus if the issue is of little consequence to
me.
She started talking about Balles and Ballerinas, which was boring for
me. I spaced out, looking out of the window at moving cars, and it
was the snap of her fingers that jeered me back. She liked me, but
she said she couldn’t date me because I don’t seem like I would be
able to focus on important things in life. Such experiences have made
me improved my listening skills. I realized that being charming and
intelligent are not good enough attributes to keep relationships.
Also, there was a client counseling interview I watched some years
back. When the client told the lawyer what she was going through,
the lawyer was doodling on a sheet of paper lying on the table. The
client carried her bag and walked out of the lawyer's office, fuming
that he wasn’t good enough to handle her matter. Why did she leave?
He wasn’t focused enough on what exactly was the legal problem of
the lady; instead, he lost focus; perhaps the part of the law that
affected the lady was boring. He started doodling and lost the
opportunity to handle the case because of his bad attitude to the
client’s concern. So, avoid this bad habit.
Don’t Be Sentimental
Another huge barrier to good listening is when you are bias or
prejudicial. Many people are biased by age, race, religion, past
experiences, gender, just to mention a few. These sentiments will
hinder you from ever listening to those you are prejudiced towards
and would find it very difficult to relate with them.
For example, there was footage I watched. A woman who wanted a
Mexican to buy her product couldn’t get her to buy because she was a
little bit prejudiced toward the race. The Mexican woman had
entered the store to buy a particular body cream, and when she was
trying to explain to the guide, it was evident that she wasn’t ready to
listen to her. She had a disgusted look on her face because her
customer was Mexican. The customer stormed out of the store
because she felt unaccepted and unwelcomed.
Many of us are also biased when it comes to the attractiveness of our
speakers. Most people find it easy to listen to attractive people, and
that is one of the reasons people turn up big for Arianda Grande’s
concert. It is just us being humans. However, we find it very difficult
to listen to plain people. We pay attention to the physical appearance
of our communicator and how we feel about them. However, it is not
every time we get to see people that would appeal to our eyes, and we
will need to persuade those that don’t. What would you do if you see
someone that doesn’t appeal to you? Don’t you make that sale? Don’t
you get that promotion?
Don’t Have Preconceived Notions
Also, many have preconceived ideas and biases about a particular
issue, which makes listening to another opinion on the same matter
difficult. We are not open-minded enough to accommodate the views
of others. When they say something different, we object, and we
become obstinate, no matter the logical argument they bring.
If we want to appeal to others, we may not accept what they say, but
we must listen enough and attempt to understand them. This
approach will let them see that you have a different opinion, but you
still tried to see theirs, which would make them want to reciprocate
by listening to you. Before you know it, they would accept your
proposals.
Greg, a friend I had during my internship with a firm, was a really
stubborn guy. We were all told to present an effective strategy to
improve sales in the tech sector. Our instructor gave us a way in
which we should go about providing the pitch if we wanted it to be
accepted. My friend felt the instructor’s method was quaint, so he
came up with his way. It was an excellent presentation by my
standard, but it was rejected. Why? It is obvious, isn't it? He didn’t
listen to what the instructor told us. He had a preconceived idea on
how to give his pitch, which was very excellent but was still rejected.
Avoid Hasty Judgment
In relation to being prejudiced towards people, which hinders our
ability to listen attentively, we also judge. This means that many of
us, after seeing our communicator, we already start thinking about
how, for instance, how underqualified the person is, how dim-witted
they are. This attitude affects the way we listen to them and,
eventually, how we regard them.
For example, when most of us think that a person isn’t on the same
level of smartness, we tend to switch off. We just want to show them
how smart we are and point out to them that there is no point in
listening to them. However, if we don’t listen to them, there is no way
we will be able to know what they needed and how we could
encourage them to go for our option.
Avoid Listening To Different People At The Same Time
Sometimes, we don’t give our adequate attention to those we want to
persuade because we listen to more than one conversation at a time.
This is a habit that will ensure that you don’t get the best out of
interactions. Meanwhile, robust relationships are built on quality
conversations. Once you often lose focus when listening to a person,
you are already creating gaps in the relationship. This culture can
ruin your marriage, relationship with your kids and make your
employee treat you harshly.
There was a day Alexa - one of the most one of the best secretaries I
have ever known - needed to do something for his boss at her first
place of work. She was on a call, and at the same time, she was trying
to listen to him. He wanted Alexa to deliver a package for him, and
Philip - her husband - was on the phone, asking her to get some
groceries on her way home back. After the discussions, Alexa
couldn’t remember what they both told her to do for them. If she had
delivered the package for her boss, Alexa would have got a good
recommendation from him, but since she ignored him when he was
talking to her, Alexa, due to her lack of experience, lost it all.
This point is somewhat similar to the focus point I made earlier. You
need to focus on one person at a time for you to get the best out of
the discussion. Don’t overrate yourself. If you try to juggle more than
one at a time, you could end up not gaining anything from the
conversation.
We should also consider that non-verbal signs can also show your
communicator that you aren’t listening to them. Many might even be
listening attentively, but their gestures may depict otherwise. You
should also make a conscious effort to leverage body language, which
signifies that you are listening. Some of the signs that demonstrate
that you are not listening include lack of appropriate posture, not
maintaining constant eye contact, not giving the apt expressions,
among other signs.
Don’t Give Selfish Feedback
To convince someone that you are paying attention, you must know
how to give the right feedback. For example, if someone had confided
in you about the terrible state of their relationship. If you want to
persuade them to buy a dress from you, the timely feedback in that
instant would be something like: “Hey, why don’t you try on this new
dress? It might take your mind off him/her.” You would be marveled
at how they would jump at the proposal.
We weren’t given birth with how to provide feedback in situations,
but we could learn a few tips that would help us to develop how we
give feedbacks in cases. Taking the pain to listen to someone would
be futile if you can’t come up with the right feedback. The first thing
you should know giving feedback is that you should be as specific as
possible. If you talk in vague terms, the person will find it hard to
figure you out. If the situation is critical, the person tends to turn you
down. When trying to give feedback, you should try and point out
specific behavior or specific occasion out of what you’ve been able to
pick when you were listening.
For example, in case you have a customer that wants to buy a
product from your store. After listening, you could chip in with your
reply with something like: “You said earlier that…” This would make
them feel you have listened to them and would think you have their
best interest at heart, which would make them want to do what you
tell them.
Pick Your Moment
Also, when giving feedback, you should pick your moment. What do I
mean by choosing your moment? It means you should be aware of
the state of mind of your communicator before you should give
feedback. For example, if an angry customer enters your store with a
complaint about one of your products. Even though you have
listened to his criticism, you should try and calm him down a bit
before giving him feedback because an angry person tends to reject
everything said to them. So, let the person calm down before you
speak to them to avoid a transfer of aggression.
Chapter Six
Persuasion In The Political World
Do you ever wonder why people still vote even with the knowledge
that most of what has been said in the manifestoes would not be
fulfilled? Even with the rigors of voting, they always go to cast their
votes. Despite the knowledge of the constant failure of the election
cycle, they still go out en mass to vote. The answer to these questions
is simple: because the candidate has persuaded them to vote.
People accepted significant political figures like Dalai Lama,
Abraham Lincoln, Nelson Mandela, Winston Churchill, and others
because they could convince people that they were the right
candidates for the position. We will be looking into specific political
figures and how they have persuaded people to accept them in this
chapter.
Witty Winston Churchill
The first political figure we will access is Winston Churchill, the
former Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (1940-1945, and 19511955). He is deemed to be one of the most outstanding leaders in the
20th century. Not only did he lead the UK throughout the second
world war, but he was also known to be a good orator and won a
Nobel Prize in Literature in 1953. He has various ways of giving
speeches that have swayed people off their feet.
If you have an aspiration of being a political giant like Churchill, here
are some tips you could use and make your political dream come
true:
Crisp And Precise Statements
The first tip from what I have learned from Churchill is that your
sentences and statements should be pleasant and short. If you want
to motivate people to vote for you, endeavor to be short, enjoyable,
and direct. If you search the internet for his speeches, you will find
out that whenever he was talking, he was concise, crisp, and direct
with his statements. He has the habit of addressing the issue
immediately without beating around the bush.
Most of Churchill’s presentation passed his messages immediately
with efficacy to his audience, which was why he had many admirers.
There was a time I went to a rally, and the Mayor was asked to come
and give a speech. He started by greeting and praising everyone,
which got the attention of everyone. However, perhaps those who
wrote his script for him weren’t professionals. Before he got to
address the issue, most of the people present had either lost interest
or struggling to focus. His speech wasn’t concise, and it didn’t
address the issue on time.
If you want to earn plaudits through your speech, just like this
political icon, you must learn how to be crispy and short with your
sentences. Although most people think using short, crisp, concise,
and direct sentences would put off their listeners, if it is done right,
you will sweep them off their feet.
The quote Churchill gave during his speech when addressing Harrow
school is a perfect example of his approach. His use of repetition
made it easy for his audience to grasp what he was driving at.
“Never give in. Never give in. in anything, great or small, large or
pretty, never give in, except to conviction of honor and good sense.”
This speech is non-exhaustive and precise. He told his audience not
to give in no matter the situation they were going through. This
speech was so good that it caught the attention of the listeners by its
sheer precision. Inevitably, the audience responded with a standing
ovation.
Leverage Repetition Appropriately
Another key element you must incorporate into your speech is
Repetition. Some people may find this redundant and entirely
unnecessary, but most people tend to forget things easily. So, your
emphasis on the issue makes it easy to keep your words in their
memory. For example, his famous speech, “We shall fight in
beaches.”
“We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing
grounds. We shall fight in the fields, and in the streets, we shall fight
in the hills. We shall never surrender.”
This speech was forthright, short, and straight to the point. Besides,
he used repetition to emphasize the fact that it would require their
collective efforts to drive the Germans away and emerge victoriously.
Most reputable and successful political figures have this same
approach. Repetition puts your audience in the mood and allows
them to see what you are driving at quickly.
An excellent example of a repetitive speech is Martin Luther King
Jnr’s “I have a dream.” You might have read the speech or heard it
read at a particular period in your life. From the speech, Martin
Luther King Jnr kept repeating the phrase, “I have a dream.” He
was trying to create a future where there would be no more racism,
and his speech swayed many people.
Many cried while many reflected. The repetition of the phrase set
many of his audiences in the future that would be free from racism.
After the speech, many saw the evil of racism and sought for it to
reduce. If you want to become a political figure just like Churchill,
you should be willing to do the things he did. One of them is the art
of leveraging repetition to devastating effect.
Take Advantage Of Excellent Rhetoric
Another element that makes Winston Churchill one of the best
orators of his time was that he uses a lot of rhetoric in his speeches.
He asked his audience open-ended questions, which pulls them into
what he was saying. Asking rhetorical questions gets your audience
more involved with what you are saying. They won’t only listen to
you, but also reason along with your logic. Rhetoric is simply just the
use of language to influence the actions and thoughts of your
audience.
According to Connolly, a speaker must appeal to will and reason.
However, also to the delight, by presenting thoughts in style as
pleasing as it is clear, and in a tone appropriate to his subject and
audience. This is a concise explanation of leveraging the magic of
rhetoric. You make your audience more involved in what you are
saying when you ask them rhetorical questions in your speech. For
instance, Dan Brown’s “Deception Point” vividly demonstrates how a
speaker can win the heart of the listeners by leveraging rhetoric. In
the book, there is a character who is a senator and wants to run for
the presidential position.
He was able to sway people to his view when he asked them a series
of rhetorical questions when giving speeches. He was trying to get
the people to reject the president he was running against because the
president gave ridiculous amounts of money to NASA who hadn’t
given any result in return. There was one he asked; “What would
happen to our children’s education if we continue to fund
NASA that has nothing to show for our money?” He was
able to sway the citizens because he could take them along in his
speech, not only in words but in reasoning as well.
Be Concerned About The Affairs Of The Listeners
Another key lesson to learn from Churchill is his uncanny ability to
address issues regarding the welfare of his audience. His words
showed that he cares about them. Endeavor to say what is on the
mind of the audience. Address the issue bothering them. You
shouldn’t speak to the audience; you should speak for them.
This has to do with your use of words. When speaking to your
audience, especially when you have political aspirations, you should
use less of “you” and more of “we.” What do I mean? Winston
Churchill, in his speeches, used a lot of “we” rather than “you.”
This is evident in his speeches, especially one of the most celebrated
“we shall fight in the beaches.”
“… we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our island
home…”
If you want to earn favorable responses with your speeches, you must
be a master of language a non-specialist would understand. The
citizens of Britain, during the time of Churchill, listened and got
motivated and inspired quickly by him because he spoke for them
instead of talking to them.
What people want is a representation, not only information. If you
could show them that you represent them in your speeches, you will
find it easier to persuade them to accept your view. For example, I
watched a live speech given by the current Prime Minister of Britain,
Boris Johnson. He spoke on the looting and nuisance taking place in
the country about the worldwide protest on the unlawful killing of
George Floyd.
He started his speech by saying that he felt what the people were
feeling and the injustice that had taken place. He went on to praise
his people and commend their outcry for justice, but he switched by
saying that the looting and other criminal activities that are being
orchestrated is done by some of the citizens who would make others
suffer. He explained that only the people could stop this mayhem.
I remember vividly that throughout his speech, he uses the term
“we” instead of “you” because he knows it would be easier to
persuade his people by talking for them and including them rather
than speaking to them and accusing them. After his live speech, I
read that Britain witnessed a reduction in these crimes that have
been carried out under the facade of protest.
If you know how to address your audience by talking for them,
speaking out what they wanted deep down, they would respond
much better to you. Also, you would find it easier to persuade them.
So, you must prioritize representation.
Exude Confidence
If you want to persuade your audience, you must speak for them in a
way that shows genuineness and assurance. People want to believe
that what you are saying is authentic and that you are confident in
your prowess of proffering a solution. Winston Churchill, in most of
his speeches, appeared to be very secure and genuine, which made
people believe in him. A superb example of his speech that made his
sway his audience is “Finest Hour.”
“Hitler knows that he will have to break us in these islands or lose
the war. If we stand up to him, all Europe may be freed, and life or
the world may move forward into broad, sunlit uplands.”
In this speech, he put the minds of his people at ease by what he said.
He showed Hitler to his audience as a fearful man that might lose the
war if he wasn’t able to invade Britain. Also, he made it sure to his
audience that invading Britain would be a very tough task, herculean
for even Hitler. This made people trust him so much that whenever
he gives out a command stating that something should be done,
people readily accepted.
What you should learn from this is that if you want to convince your
audience, you should be able to ooze confidence that would make
them believe in you to be able to carry out what you are saying. Do
you think people just vote because the candidate is handsome or
beautiful, or has a magnificent voice? No, these qualities might add
to your acceptance. However, what you have to say must show that
you know what you are saying, confident that you would carry it out.
What worked most for Churchill was that he was somewhat a
military man, and he was appointed to lead the country through the
war. So, people were sure that he would be able to lead the country to
victory. Most of us are not even experts at what we are trying to
persuade people. However, just like Churchill, engage your audience
with authenticity and confidence. Another element that made him
turn out to be an excellent political figure is his ability to bring out
the right emotion in his audience. There was a time when he was
giving a speech that he was close to tears as he gave the speech. It
showed people who were listening to him how affectionate he could
be.
Nelson Mandela
Another political figure that used his persuasive prowess to become
great is Nelson Mandela (1918-2013). He was a man that suffered the
apartheid in South Africa, was jailed, and later became the president
of the country. When I was younger, I had always wondered how he
did it. I could not understand how he got the whites in South Africa
to accept the Black and colored as equals, even to how they allowed
him to rule over them. It was when I became older that I realized that
he made them see that he was the perfect choice for the position.
Nelson Mandela was arrested and imprisoned for twenty-seven years
before he was released and took charge of the negotiation that led to
the quenching of the civil war that was already brewing in South
Africa. Why was a man in prison released and appointed to handle
the negotiations before the civil war broke out? Why was he followed
by the oppressed group when he was appointed to see to the
negotiations? It was because he was able to persuade them that what
he's got was the best option for both parties. The following lessons
can be learned from this great man:
Show Genuine Care For Your Target Audience
From Mandela's story, I learned that you must really care for your
audience. It should be obvious in the way you talk that they matter to
you. He went to prison for twenty-seven years because he cared
enough for his people. He wanted neither white supremacy nor black
domination, but equal society, and he showed his care by even
putting his life on the line for what he cared about.
Now, I am not saying that you should start endangering yourself
because you want to persuade people, especially politically.
Nonetheless, you are just to show that you care for the well-being of
your listeners when speaking. Mandela was formally a peaceful
protester against the apartheid system in South Africa, propagating
equality between both races. However, he realized that if some
drastic actions are not taken, the war against apartheid wouldn’t be
won. He started co-funding the militant Umkhonto we Sizwe.
He was arrested and sentenced to life imprisonment. On a normal
circumstance, he was to be killed; but Nelson Mandela went to the
extreme to show that he really cared about stopping apartheid and
foster racial equality. This is one reason why the former president
thought he was the best man for the negotiation to curb the civil war.
There was a time when he used one of his trials to show in his speech
that he cared about what he had been supporting. He had been
charged with three counts of sabotage.
“During my lifetime, I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the
African people. I have fought against white domination, and I have
fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a
democratic and free society in which all persons live together in
harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to
live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am
prepared to die.”
From this speech, Nelson Mandela was able to tell the whole world
he cared enough for stopping the apartheid system that he is ready to
die for it. You get to win over critics just like him if you could show
people you care about what you are saying. They must believe that
you have their best interest at heart. If you could show them that,
you get to sway them to accepting your view readily.
Be Deliberate In Your Interactions
Another reason why Mandela was such an inspirational political
figure is that he conversed deliberately. He made his grounds clear;
he doesn’t cut corners. He comes out clean with whatever he has to
say. When President F.W. de Klerk released Nelson Mandela, he had
at the back of his mind plans to favor the white minority for the
negotiation. However, Nelson Mandela had a different take; he
wanted everyone to be equal. For this reason, the negotiation to end
the civil war tension took four years before both parties came to a
consensus.
He joined the ANC anti-colonial group, and he later co-founded
Youth League to eradicate the apartheid supporting white only
Nation Party. He involved himself in many things to stop the
apartheid culture, including his involvement in the Defiance
Campaign in 1952 and many more. He even went as much as secretly
joining the already banned South African Communist Party to
achieve his objective.
If you want to win over people, you should make sure you show them
that you are devoted to the cause. Make them feel you are in it with
them. Why is it that the black community in the country supports
black politicians? Because they think that the brother is always
passing through or have passed through the struggle, and they would
believe that having him there would be better for them.
Mandela showed in various instances that he was a committed man
to the liberation of the blacks in South Africa through his speeches
and multiple associations. If you want to have more success getting
people to agree with you, always show them through your speeches,
actions, and association that you are committed to their cause. Be
like Mandela, whose commitments made South Africa carry-out the
first multi-racial election, which saw him emerge as the first black
president of South Africa and a Nobel laureate of Peace.
Abraham Lincoln
A tremendous political figure that should not be left out on this
persuasion parade is Abraham Lincoln. He was renowned for using
three minutes and two hundred and seventy-three words to make
people see the catastrophe war causes. He also inspired his listeners
to dedicate a cemetery to the forty-six thousand soldiers who died in
the civil war.
Just a month after Abraham Lincoln was pronounced the President
of the country, the USA plunged into a civil war that claimed the lives
of many. Gettysburg, one of the bloodiest places where the battle
took place, was the location of one of his best speeches. For the
fallen, Abraham Lincoln was called on to give a speech to honor the
dead forty-six thousand soldiers that died because of the war. From
his address that moved many, I was able to learn some things about
persuasion. Here they are:
Find Common Ground
The first thing is that you should find an agreement ground where
your audiences can agree and neglect their various beliefs. For
example, if you are running for a political post, you have to persuade
a crowd of whites, blacks, Latinas, and the other races. You can’t
start with a racial matter because most certainly, they all hold
various views on racial issues. You should find a better field like
tourism, economy, and other things that they all agree on.
Abraham Lincoln, when trying to get the people of America to stop
the civil war, during his Gettysburg speech, he went back eightyseven years to remind his people how and why they came to become
an independent state. He further used phrases like “All men are
created equal,” something they all agreed on. He reminded them that
it was because of liberty and equality that they drove the Britons out
of their lands. So, why is it that they are still shedding each other’s
blood that they fought so hard to gain freedom? He could bring his
people to a leverage ground of agreement, not showing favor to any
side.
This made me remember one time in college when the students
debated the aspiring student President. We were all pumped up to
know what these guys had in stock for us. The interviewer asked the
most popular candidate a question, which made him later lose the
election. The interviewer asked him how he would handle the
accommodation issue, how will he take it with the school
management because not all our halls are in the right conditions. He
answered that we would raise money. Many people immediately
disagreed with him.
He could have come up with a better and vague answer like, “We will
address the matter with the school management.” However, he stood
firmly on the side of the school management – or so it seemed. The
point of this example is that if you find yourself in the position of
persuading people with conflicting interests, make sure you start
whatever you have to say on a bare ground in which the two parties
hold no grudges.
Leverage Illustrations
Also, convincing people, you should make it a habit to start with a
story or chip in a story. When Abraham Lincoln was giving his
speech at Gettysburg, he started with the story of the struggle of
those that liberated America, which the war was then destroying. He
pricked their conscience just like asking them how they would have
liked it if they had created something with sweat and hard labor, only
for their offspring to start destroying it.
“Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth this
continent, a new nation, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the
proposition that all men are created equal.”
He started his speech with an emotional story that moved his
audience. It was the same thing that the Britons did to them that
they were at the time doing to themselves. Therefore, if you want to
make others accept your view on a particular issue, you should try
and start with a story. Moreover, research has shown that speeches
that begin with stories have higher tendencies of influencing the
listeners.
During my college days, my roommate went for a debate
competition, and he and his team lost. I knew my friend was an
outstanding and aggressive debater who always has his facts right
before he starts the debate. I met him and asked him why he lost.
The reply he gave me was that he and his team weren’t able to match
the opponent in instilling emotions in the audience and judges. I was
at first perplexed at his reply, but I further asked him what he meant.
He explained that the two teams were evenly matched when it came
to facts – they both had their points right. However, what gave the
other team edge over them was that they started presenting their
facts with stories. He told me that his team just started giving facts,
but the other team came up with convincing stories that went in line
with their points.
According to James Pennebaker in his book, The Secret Life of
Pronouns, “In any interaction between two people, the person with
the higher status uses fewer I-words…” This is applicable to all the
political figures that have been mentioned; they all used words like
“we, us, our…” So, if you want to persuade your audience, you must
learn the art of using less of the first-person singular pronoun (I) and
start using the first-person plural pronouns (us, our, we). Winston
Churchill, Nelson Mandela, Abraham Lincoln, Dalai Lama, and other
significant political figures adopt this means in speaking with their
audience, and it has worked effectively for them.
Chapter Seven
Influence Is About Perception
According to the Merriam Webster dictionary, influence can be said
to be the power to change or affect someone or something: the ability
to cause changes without directly forcing them to happen. And it
defined perception as the way you think about or understand
someone or something.
If you seek to gain the approval of your audience, you must be
conscious of these two concepts. This is because, as the definitions
entail, you are to cause changes in the person you want to persuade
via what you understand about that person. So, influence is about
perception. From all I have explained from chapter one, you would
have noticed that you know or think about someone that would
determine whether or not you would convince them. This chapter
will review how you can influence people by changing their
perception.
Influence By Sight
Most of us are influenced by what we see on the internet, and top
brands have cultivated the habit of using it to their advantage –
getting you to buy their products. They all know that if you see one of
your influencers using their products, it will stir you to think about
purchasing their product. They influenced your decision, changing
the way you see their products. They successfully convince you that
you will have a good life like the model when consuming their
products.
If we want to persuade people, we must be concerned about taking
practical steps to affect their perception. You might have heard
“internet influencers” before. They are those that can affect your
thinking, in as much as you are still on the internet. They post
themselves living in luxury, fancy vacations, wearing the latest
clothing materials, and many other attractive things. They do all
these to get you on their sides so that when they have a proposal, you
will jump on it without thinking.
For instance, if someone had been posting about how luxuriously
they have been living, which had always fascinated you. If the person
just drops a link, saying that they got a handful of the money they are
using to sponsor their luxurious life from it. Many people would
likely jump at it. In such a situation, they have influenced your
decision by what they perceive you to want.
However, not all these internet influencers are living the lives they
claim to be living; most of them are living a fake life, posting lies to
intrigue their fans. The story of Byron Denton, the nineteen-year-old,
showed how easy it was to fake a living. He is a blogger based in
London who wanted to test how easy it was to fake a life on
Instagram, and he was surprised at how people can be easily swayed
by phony living. The young man posted an edited picture of himself
sitting in a private jet, which immediately got him over a thousand
likes in seven seconds. He said when he saw that George Mason fake
a vacation and many other people, he decided to give it a trial. They
all manipulate information to get your attention.
Many influencers live fake lives just to gain attention, just like
Byron’s theory. They get you thinking, “I wish I were that guy.”
Consequently, whenever they bring something to you, you might
jump at it without overthinking it. Some influencers show things that
aren’t even in existence, like when Taylor Evans said her Miami
vacation was sponsored.
How To Change The Perception Of Others
If you want to sway people with ease, you should have at the back of
your mind that the person’s perception matters. In order to have
more success in changing your listener’s view, the following tips will
be helpful:
Note Preferences And Background
The first thing that you should know if you want to be more sensitive
to your listener’s view is that you should be aware of your
preferences and background. According to Miner, people come to
any situation with a different set of lenses based on their experiences
and culture. Your experience in life is different from that of others,
and you must never forget that. Meanwhile, their exposure affects
their cravings and judgment of situations.
If you want to change their view, you should find a way to get to
know their background and preferences. For instance, someone that
earns less than five thousand dollars would find buying a phone or
laptop worth a thousand dollars a little bit too much for them. If you
want them to buy the phone or laptop, and you just drop the price on
them, they would not buy it. But, if you find time to get to know
them, engage them, and they tell you about their preference or
background, you would know how to go about the situation better.
For example, you can point out the way the one thousand dollars
phone can improve their lives, and you’d be surprised at how they
would jump at your offer.
Pay Attention To Their Body Language
You must be aware of non-verbal signs. Miner said that top
employees aren’t exceptionally smarter, but they are just emotionally
intelligent and hugely perceptive. They find non-verbal signals,
which many people don’t know that they are giving. These cues give
away their state of mind. However, they are easily missed by most.
For instance, when offering a product to a prospective customer, you
can know when the customer’s body language is screaming no by
being observant. You can tell from something like poor eye contact,
crossed arms, among others that something is wrong. Noticing these
signs will enable you to change your tactics on time.
Improve Your Listening Skills
The importance of excellent listening skills cannot be
overemphasized. You must hone your listening skills for you to get
all the necessary information out of your speaker. I have discussed
why listening is critical in the previous chapters, so I would not
explain further on it again. You should create a conversation that is
open-minded so that you can learn. Listening makes you get to learn
exciting things about the speaker. It is when you listen that you get to
know the preferences and background of those that you are trying to
persuade, and it is also via listening that you will be able to catch
those non-verbal signs.
“You have to go in with big ears and smallmouth…” Miner.
Manipulation Or Influence?
Now, I don’t want us to confuse influence with manipulation
(manipulation of information), albeit, the latter would be explicitly
discussed in the next chapter. The two concepts are similar, but not
the same. Manipulation controls someone or something to the
manipulator’s advantage, and influence has to do with changing or
affecting someone without directly forcing them to happen.
You should, however, know that most of the stories that spur us into
action are a result of deliberately tweaking information. The one
giving the report gives the information in a way that favors him,
regardless of withholding any valuable information. This is what
happens most times in courts; the lawyer manipulates information
that favors his client. There was a lawsuit I watched on the television
where the accused was charged with murder.
The prosecution lawyer knew well that the accused was not the one
that killed the deceased, but he withheld that information because
the accused was present at the time the murder occurred, and he had
the motive to kill the dead. The accused was sentenced to death for
the crime he didn’t commit. In such an instance, the lawyer “edited”
the information to favor his claims, and he was able to persuade the
judge to convict the accused.
Manipulation of information is another mode of persuasion.
However, this time, it is different because the manipulator is not
coming clean with all the information. It is an excellent strategy to
get people to do what you want because they would hear what you
want them to understand. Do you ever remember when you were
smaller, and you fought with your sibling? When you were narrating
your story to your parent, did you mention that you attacked your
sibling? No, and that is the simple term of tweaking information. You
wanted your sibling to be punished, but not you.
Many news agencies apply this strategy. They write what they want
the public to hear, not necessarily divulging all the information. I just
realized some years ago that whenever a disaster, accident, or
something terrible happened, which resulted in casualties, the news
agency never reveals the real number of the losses. The essence of
changing the narrative is to change the view and decision of a person.
The manipulator thinks or knows that people would react in a certain
way if all the information is divulged. So, they hold onto the part that
they feel wouldn’t allow the people to behave in a way that is
contrary to what they want to achieve.
Protection Or Lies?
There are many movies in which the government decides not to tell
the citizens of a particular problem until they have solved it or it got
out of hands. They know that if they divulge valuable pieces of
information that would throw the public into pandemonium, there
would be a catastrophe. Meanwhile, this is against the peace and
order the government is supposed to maintain.
Many people are involved in the changing narratives in this age, and
the internet has fostered it. Someone would just sit down in their
rooms and post on the internet, and people would take it up without
actually finding the truth. Many social media users even manipulate
information to the extent that they don’t add authenticity again. For
instance, the case of the lady that said Justin Beiber raped her is a
clear example of how people can make blatant claims, regardless of
its consequences.
However, in as much as manipulation is very efficient in getting
people to do what you want of them, it might bounce back, affecting
you adversely. For instance, the lawyer I watched earlier where the
lawyer got an innocent man convicted of murder. After the truth was
found out, he was prosecuted for malicious prosecution and stripped
of his license to practice law.
Instead, if you want to persuade people, you should do all that has
been discussed from the first chapter till now. I know it is hard work,
but it pays at the end. Your kid gets to respect and appreciate you;
your boss gives you that promotion, and your idea gets accepted,
among other things. It is always better to seek to influence people
rather than change the narrative to make them do your bidding.
Chapter Eight
Manipulation Isn’t Influence
Desperation will make you want to achieve your objectives at all
costs. It is the right attitude to have when you leave no stone
unturned in your desire to get something done. Nonetheless, it is an
issue when you don’t mind hurting others to achieve your aim. One
of the tools desperate people use to get what they want is
manipulation.
Like I said earlier, it is not persuasion. It is more like a way of getting
someone to do something for you to control the person. You will get
what you want by fooling and manipulating them into doing it.
“Persuasion is the act of causing people to do or believe something”
Merriam Webster
This chapter will explore the ills of manipulative practices and how
you can detect when such vices are used on you.
What Is Manipulation?
We can see the discrepancy even without going deep: manipulation
controls someone to do something, and persuasion is making
someone believe in something before they do it. Like I have
explained in previous chapters before you can convince someone to
do something, it must worth their time. However, manipulation, on
the other hand, has to do with selfish interests. For instance, if you
have watched the fresh prince of bel- air, there was a time Uncle Phil,
Carlton, and Will went to a car dealer to get a car for Uncle Phil.
Carlton tried to persuade Phil into buying the cheap and safe car, but
Will cajoled him into buying a red, cool convertible.
He told him how lovely it would be if he drove the vehicle, how the
bliss of youthful day would descend on him. He was deceived into
buying the car. Meanwhile, Will only did it because he would get the
chance to take it out with one of his dates. That is what deception
looks like. It always has an underlying benefit that is driving the
instigator.
On the other hand, persuasion convinces someone to go for
something that you believe is in their best interest. In the example
given above, Will would have encouraged his uncle if Phil had
beforehand told will that he wanted a car that would make him feel
younger again. The red convertible would have been the best option.
So, the fundamental discrepancy between the two is the intent with
which you try to sway the person to do something. The purpose
behind the former is the best interest of who you are getting to do
something. However, the meaning behind the latter is what you
stand to gain after the person had done that thing.
This has been corroborated by Nathaniel Nahai, who said that both
persuasive and manipulative approaches aim to influence
people, but the main difference between both is intent. According to
Dr. Paul Swets, in his book, The Art of Talking So That People Will
Listen, “Manipulation aims at control, not cooperation. It
results in a win/lose situation; It does not consider the
good of the other party. Persuasion is just the opposite. In
contrast to the controller, the persuader seeks to enhance
the self-esteem of the other party. The result is that people
respond better because they are treated as responsible,
self-directing individuals.”
The definitions these two people have given us underline the
difference between the two concepts. Yes, both seek to make people
do something, but the intent to make people do those things is
different. In a much simpler term, the first intends to hurt while the
other endeavors to serve.
Persuaders find a way to use their knowledge and what they have
acquired to the benefit of other people, while deceivers use their own
experience for themselves. For instance, if someone walks up into a
phone store and asks the guide for a product. The guide leads the
customer through, giving him the specs and how each phone works.
If he or she buys the phone, the guide has convinced the customer to
buy the phone.
However, it is different if the boss had instructed the employees that
whoever gets to sell a particular phone first would be given a
promotion. If the guide showed the client only the phone the boss
had said it would attract promotion, he or she has deceived the
customer. However, this action can work against the company.
Perhaps, the phone doesn’t meet the requirements of what the client
needed. That customer might feel cheated and not want to refer
anyone to that store. He or she might also drop bad reviews on the
company’s website.
Also, I should add that gaining the undue advantage of others is not
an excellent way of living, and it could also ruin businesses. Most
perpetrators of this act don’t have teams but people that work under
them. They tend to have their customers leave without referrals,
family with no love, and many more disadvantages.
Dark Manipulation
The two fundamental diversity of deception is white and dark. A
white version is also a form that is of benefit to target. Indeed, I have
said that control is orchestrated mainly for the benefit of the
perpetrator. However, the white way is of more advantage to the
target. Besides, it is not carried out with psychological violence,
unlike the other diversity.
Psychological violence has to do with maiming people's mental
innocence. It is an act orchestrated in forms of coercion, defamation,
harassment, verbal insult, and many more actions that harm the
psychological integrity of the victim. The government uses the white
type to get the citizens to do something which would later be of great
benefit to the citizens.
Parents also use it on small kids, which would deter them from
hurting themselves. It is sometimes referred to as beneficial
manipulation; it does not include emotional abuse, maltreatment,
and intimate partner violence. However, for the scope of this
discussion, we are going to be focusing more on diversity, which has
to do with psychological violence.
Dark or grim-dark is said to be the most psychologically violating act
of a perpetrator on a victim. It is divided into two: Dark psychology
and Hypnosis. Dark manipulation involves getting people to do what
they want for their sole benefit. Meanwhile, the white form is done
out of altruism. Dark controllers use all forms of techniques,
including lies, threat, coercion, harassment, defamation, blackmail,
and many more, to get their targets to do what they want.
Dark Psychology
Dark psychology has to do with controlling the mind of your victims
for you to get them to do your bidding. It is a straightforward tactic
used by many people every day to achieve their aims, which are often
malignant to the target. Most of the people in the world are selfish,
with only a handful of altruism left. We all want to get what we
cherish and which better way to get it than to make others get it for
you? This is the psychology that is practiced by most of us in the
world.
It is divided into three, namely: Narcissism, Machiavellianism, and
Psychopathy, which are mainly referred to as Dark Triad. Narcissists
are selfish, lack empathy, and grandiose in their vanity. These sets of
people often use con arts to achieve their objectives by messing with
their victim's heads. They don’t give a hoot about what you feel as
long as you understand what they want and carry it out.
Regarding Machiavellians, they have no sense of morals and use
deceptive means to exploit others. They often cajole their victims
into doing what they want. Psychopaths are more like narcissists.
However, they will never show their actual color until they have
achieved what they want from you. When you notice characteristics
like selfishness, being very impulsive, lack of remorse and empathy,
you are dealing with a psychopath.
These are the three sets of personalities that orchestrate dark arts.
Indeed, you might do some of these things. However, that does not
mean you belong to any of these categories. Nevertheless, it is not
ideal for playing on the intelligence of others to accomplish your
goals. If you realize that you have these traits, you need to rethink
your actions or seek therapy when it is excessive.
Almost all of us have been victims or, at a point in our lives, practiced
these arts to get what we want. For instance, when I was younger,
during my teenage years, I often use these tactics to get my parents
to give more freedom and autonomy, and most times, it worked.
When talking about deception, we shouldn’t forget to mention that
most controllers are narcissistic. It means that they all are egoistic
self-worshippers who care about nothing but themselves.
Narcissism And Dark Psychology
The most prevalent sets of persons that employ dark arts are those
who are narcissistic. Narcissism is closely related to what was
practiced under Adolf Hitler in the 1900s, which led to the first and
second world wars. It was believed that a particular set of Europeans
were unique and should be treated better than the rest. They tried to
show their superiority, and when they were opposed, they resorted to
violence. They wanted to rule the world, and they tried all they could
to achieve their aim. Narcissistic individuals believe that they are
unique and should get all they want. Therefore, they resolve into
doing all they could to get it, and the most potent weapon in their
arsenal is dark psychology.
How Narcissists Employ Dark Psychology
According to Perpetua Neo, narcissists have a culture of messing
with people’s minds. They do this to the extent that you have to do
what they want. They use what Stephen Karpman calls the drama
triangle, i.e., they play the rescuer, victim, and persecutor. They don’t
care how you feel and would make you do that which they want. The
only thing that matters to them is the accomplishment of their selfish
interests.
They are like a chameleon, and they shuffle between the drama
triangle so easily and quickly that you don’t know what to expect. In
the words of Perpetua Neo, she described the experience with a
narcissistic as walking on an eggshell, and you don’t know what to
anticipate. They would orchestrate perfectly all I have mentioned
earlier. They put fear, guilt, or a sense of obligation into you, which
makes you want to do what they want. Such individuals often start
out by being nice to you. For example, they might get you a gift to
make you feel obligated when they need your help.
They will stir up emotions in you by making you feel guilty if you
don’t do what they want. Such a person will remind you about his or
her good deeds towards you. Then they will proceed into making you
feel you are responsible for whatever they stand to lose from your
refusal. Naturally, you don’t want to be the reason anyone failed to
achieve their targets. So, even when reluctant, you still help them
accomplish their aims.
You may not feel the satisfaction of sacrificing for others when you
help a narcissist. You are only doing what the person wants to avoid
feeling bad about not helping out. If such a person is your spouse,
you are in trouble because of your emotional attachment to him or
her. He or she can tell you that you are turning him or her down
because you are cheating with another person. You will want to prove
that the person is wrong and end up doing what they want. It is not a
palatable situation, but this is the reality of many individuals.
The Emotional Games Of A Narcissist
According to Psychology Today, narcissistic people believe that they
are unique, and they would stop at nothing to attain the best, using
people as a tool to achieve their goals. You should know that in their
bid to gain attention, popularity, and what they want, they lie. Lying
is one of the skills they are good at. They tell you various lies and try
to deceive you into pitying them. They create in you a sense that they
have suffered, and you would strive to be a good person to them and
do all they want.
Naturally, you don’t want anyone to suffer because of your inactions.
So, you will want to help such persons out of compassion. However,
you will be heartbroken when you realize that the person was only
using you to achieve his or her aims. They tweak stories to make
them look like victims earn your trust. Meanwhile, they have a grand
plan, and you are nothing but a part of their emotional game.
Winning at all costs is their trademark, and they can even murder to
achieve their objectives.
You should also know that in a narcissistic person's overall scheme,
they are overtly charming. They will make you feel special so that
when it is your turn, you wouldn’t be able to turn them down even
though it is at your expense. Also, these people mainly dwell on
insecurities. According to Bree Bonchay, they use third parties to
help manipulate their victims. For instance, you don’t want any other
person, especially the opposite sex, to spend more time with your
spouse than you. It is a natural sentiment we all have and will do
anything to avoid.
Your partner can leverage that insecurity to make you spend more
time with him or her. According to numerous studies, females often
do this the most. They can tell their boyfriend that a colleague took
them out for lunch just to make the guy do the same. When you
refuse to do what they demand, they will start giving you the silent
treatment. They stop talking to you to make you feel bad for not
doing what they wanted you to do. They assume this power position
and decide when and how to resume communication with you. When
they do, they will make you feel guilty for the gap in the relationship
they create by being selfish.
Hypnosis
The other form of dark manipulation is hypnosis. Most times, when
you hear this word, you might imagine somebody snapping his
fingers and using some kind of voodoo to make you act against your
wish. You might picture a scenario where the person needs to ring a
bell to lift the spell. I was in the same line of thought until I
understood better when I started studying psychology. Hypnosis is
not voodoo of any kind; it’s just the usage of dark arts, which
anybody can do. You might have done it before as well without
knowing you were hypnotizing someone.
Hypnosis is a state a perpetrator puts you, which makes you feel
relaxed and open to suggestions. The hypnotizer creates a vacuum in
you where they can push in their mandate and make you do it for
them. APA (American Psychological Association) has defined it as a
state of consciousness involving focused attention and reduced
peripheral awareness characterized by an enhanced capability for
suggestions. This is what hypnosis is all about – suggestibility.
A person that hypnotizes another puts the person in a state of
increased awareness, which makes them very accommodative to
suggestions. That accommodation of new ideas is used by them to
make you do what would be in their best interest. Meanwhile, the
victim is not likely to accept that request on a norm. Jafar, a
character in Aladdin (a Disney movie), comes to mind when you
think about hypnosis. He uses a serpent staff to make the Sultan do
whatever he wants until he was found out. Indeed, it is a form of
hypnosis, but the procedure can be far less spiritual.
Hypnotic Power Words
There are certain words we use daily, which are hypnotic and control
those we use them on. They are called hypnotic power words. Here
they are:
Imagine
The first one, which is often used, is “imagine.” This word takes
your listeners away from the world of reality and puts them in a
world where their fantasy would be fulfilled. You might not know it,
but you have created in their hearts a kind of platform which would
make them listen to your suggestion. Most people in business,
salespeople, and other successful people use this word a lot.
For instance, there was a time I witnessed how a salesman made a
woman buy a new washing machine. It was the same woman that
was complaining about the hike in prices of products and how broke
she was. When the salesman approached her, she waved him away,
but he persisted, and he was finally able to gain her attention. The
word that he used that even propelled me into wanting to buy the
washing machine is “imagine.”
He told the woman to imagine being in her house with a lot of dirty
laundries and she was running late for work. By the time she is back
from work, she would be exhausted. However, with a machine that
was big enough to contain all the laundry and would dry them off
itself, life would be more comfortable, without worries. The salesman
put the woman into a trance in which she was able to see herself
getting her laundry done immediately and effectively. She ended up
buying it even after complaining about being low on cash.
Unequivocally, she wouldn’t have bought it if he hadn’t made her go
into a trance where she could already see that her life was already
more comfortable. Probably, she did laundry for her whole house
and had kids. The product will improve her life. Nonetheless, it
might not be her priority at that point. She might need to invest in
other more pressing and urgent needs. However, he could convince
her to make the washing machine number one in her scale of
preference.
Also, there was a time my close friend used this technique to make
me follow him for a date. I didn’t want to follow him because I
needed to do some more critical and urgent needs. However, he
made me suspend those tasks to accompany him to an event that
would not benefit me in any way. He met a lady he liked and wanted
to go out with her, but she wouldn’t go out with him alone. She
wanted her friend to follow her.
He came to me and asked me to follow him, which I declined. He
persisted and told me that I should imagine a lovely lady as the
friend of the lady he was to be with. I was amazed by my
imagination, and I decided to follow him. We got there, and the
friend was pretty yeah, but she wasn’t my type. The point is I
wouldn’t have followed my friend if he hadn’t hypnotized me to
follow him.
Because
Another hypnotic word we frequently use, which makes people do
what we want or makes us do things for other people, is “because.”
According to J.F Kennedy, as humans, we crave order. We want to
know why something was the way it was, what caused it to happen,
and by so doing, we relate it to our personal lives. The word
“because” is very hypnotic, and it makes people do what they
wouldn’t have necessarily done by stirring up our unconscious
minds.
We hypnotize and get mesmerized by this word daily because we
simply give a reason, regardless of whether it is a lie. When my friend
told me that I should follow him, I was like, even if I was to follow
him, what would be my benefit? He pointed this out by saying
because going with him might help me get a girlfriend as well. It
appealed to my hearing, and I decided to follow him. It is as simple
as that. That’s his curated hypnosis work.
A practical example has been given by Robert Cialdini when he used
the response percent to illustrate how the word because it is
hypnotic. He said that if you said: “Excuse me, can I use this machine
because I am running late,” you tend to get a 94% answer that would
allow you to use it. However, if you say something like: “Excuse me,
can I use the machine?” you’ll get less than a 60% answer in the
affirmative. This shows that this word is powerful enough to elicit
responses from others. We use it every day without realizing its
tremendous effects.
You
Another common word used that is hypnotic is “You.” Have you ever
wondered why adverts seem to be referring to you? Have you ever
wondered why you think these big companies have you in mind? It’s
simple; they have deceived you into thinking it was you they were
referring to. It is just simple hypnosis. They keep repeating the word
“you,” and before you know it, you are already ordering from their
store with that money you saved for a vacation.
Hypnosis stimulates your imagination, paints pictures in your mind,
link things that wouldn’t usually go together, and distracts you. It
activates your senses and creates associations that have never
existed, and before you know it, you have done all that the hypnotist
wants.
How Do You Know You Are Being Manipulated?
Many of us today get into things because we were manipulated into
doing them, and we later regret doing those things. According to
Sharie Stines, “manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy
psychological strategy used by people who are incapable of
asking for what they want and need directly.” Many people try
to control each other at work, relationships, family, and different
facets of life. However, before it goes too far, there are some signs
that you will see, which would tell you that you are being influenced.
Here they are:
Hypocrisy
The first thing you will notice about a controller is that what they say
is quite different from how they behave. What do I mean? They
would tell you what you want to hear, but they would end up doing
another thing entirely.
There was a time in Eric's organization that they had to rise up and
ask for a raise because they were being worked than how they were
paid. Eric and his coworkers started the protest, which led to the
destruction of some of the office equipment, but Eric's friend, who
instituted the idea, was nowhere to be found.
When they were rounded up, he was sitting comfortably at his desk,
going through his paperwork. He instigated them into protesting.
Many of them had our contracts terminated because of him, and Eric
still hold grudges against him. They make you think that what you
were doing is right to fulfill their selfish interest.
This used them to gain a promotion for himself for being wellcoordinated even during crisis. Meanwhile, he was the brain behind
it. Immediately, someone starts acting in a way which is different
from what they say, you should know that they are deceivers, and
they would use you to achieve their selfish gains, and they wouldn’t
give a hoot for whatever later happens to you.
Pressure And Tension
Another thing that shows that you are being affected is that you feel
fear, guilt, or an obligation to do it for them. Typically, you would not
have felt this way about carrying out a task. Share Stines said that
when someone is instigating you, you are psychologically coerced
into doing something you don’t want to do. You feel guilty for doing
it, fear because you don’t know what would happen if you don’t do it
or an obligation to do it.
According to Stines, there are two types of manipulators: the bullies
and the victims. On the bully, you fear because he uses intimidation,
threat, or aggression to get you to do things. You will always be
apprehensive of what would happen if you refuse to do it so that you
will obey. If you are going through this phase, you are being
controlled. They would create a kind of trepidation in you that would
galvanize you into action by using exaggeration to spur you into
obedience.
Most lawyers and good sales associates are guilty of this. They would
make their clients/customers think that if they don’t do what they
want them to do in time, there might be grave consequences. I had
witnessed a situation when the clients of a lawyer didn’t want to hire
him because he was too expensive. He told them that they would
spend more money looking for another lawyer, and before they do
that, the opposition would have found favor in court. The clients
were so scared that they had to settle down for his ridiculous fees.
On the part of the victim, you will feel guilty for not granting their
request. Unlike bullies, they will not threaten you. However, you will
still feel compelled to do their biddings. They will guilt trip you until
you do it for them. My little nephew once used this tactic to make me
grant his wish. He wanted an X-box, which I didn’t plan on buying
for him. The next time I went visiting, he cried because I didn’t bring
the X-box console I didn’t promise him. That day, I took him to the
store and got him an X-box 360, Something I wouldn’t have done on
a regular day. He made me buy it for him by crying, feigning that he
was hurt because I didn’t come along with his console.
According to Stine, the victim usually acts hurt… and the person who
is targeted by the victim often tries to help the manipulator stop
feeling guilty. In the instance of my nephew, I felt liable for making
him cry, which was the primary reason I took him to the store to go
and get the console.
Restructuring Reality
Also, another sign which shows that you are being deceived is that
you start asking yourself questions about your reality. What do I
mean by questioning your reality? According to Stines, con artists
would twist what you have said and make it about themselves. They
would make you feel you have done something wrong when, in
reality, you haven’t. Nonetheless, they would put it so correctly that
you will end up questioning yourself.
They would tell you that what you have experienced is wrong, and
they would say to you what happened in such a simple way that
would make you think what happened is a figment of your
imagination. Lawyers are learned experts in this field. They cook up
stories while cross-examining the witness, manipulating the jury to
discredit the testimony of the witness. There was one lawsuit I
witnessed; It was a murder matter. The prosecuting attorney was
cross-examining the accused's alibi. He said it was the alibi and the
accused that committed the crime. He painted a convincing scenario
that even the witness was second-guessing whether it was him telling
the truth or the lawyer.
That is what they are like; they make you think that thing you have
passed through isn’t real, and it is their story that is right. You should
also know that you might be in a relationship where the controller
abuses the social norm of giving. For instance, it is natural for you to
reciprocate when someone gives you a gift, in cash or kind. Stines
call this “Mr. Nice Guy.”
He gives you something, leaving a void in you, which would make
you want to repay him. Whenever he wants something done, he calls
on you, and you are ready to redeem yourself. If you don’t heed to his
calls, you will look ungrateful for the help he had rendered to you
early. So, to every favor, gift, support, there’s always a string
attached. According to Stines, it is very confusing because you don’t
realize that something negative is going on, but with every good
deed, gift, help, favor, there is a string attached.”
“Exploiting the norms and expectations of reciprocity is one of the
most common forms of manipulation.”
Jay Olsen
According to Preston Ni, such an individual may insist on meeting
you and interacting with you on a physical space to exert his
dominance. So, if you want to know whether or not you are being
controlled, you should find out how frequently you meet with your
partner physically and if they exert dominance and control over you.
If they do, you are in an unhealthy relationship.
What To Do When You Find Out You are Being
Manipulated?
Many of us have received negative energy from people. However,
they have controlled us for so long that we already think it is a norm.
We don’t know how to get out of the net of the controller. However,
there are some ways you can go about getting the person to stop his
or her antics. There are different approaches due to the various
aspects of deception. The following tips will you in this regard.
Identify the Form
If you want to overcome being controlled by a “puppet master,” you
must know the type you are battling. You need to know whether the
person is a victim or a bully. The easy way to do this is to notice when
he person uses coercion or guilt to act against your wish. As earlier
mentioned, the bully uses fear and threat while the victim uses guilt
to hold you to ransom.
Establish Boundaries
One of the things you could do to overcome control is to establish
boundaries. According to Stines, con artists have lousy limits. Since
they are mostly narcissistic, they have limits that they would never
make you cross because it might undermine their self-interest.
However, they would want your attention all the time, jumping into
your life and leaving anytime they want.
Be Patient
Another thing you could do when you are being controlled is that you
should try the sleep on its tactic. If you are very impressed with
something, you shouldn’t just jump on it; you should find time to go
through it and weigh the advantages over the consequences. A
deceiver would want you right on any deal they have for you, but if
you refrain yourself, you save yourself from being coerced into doing
or buying something that you might later regret.
If you know that you are in a dangerous or unhealthy relationship,
you can seek an expert’s help on how to go about it. For instance,
book a therapist. You will be given insight into what you have done
wrong and how you can make it better. You can also try the more
radical approach which, Stines termed “observe, don’t absorb,”
which means that you shouldn’t allow the behavior to affect you
personally. She concluded with, “after all; we aren’t responsible for
anybody else's feeling.” So, do not let anyone guilt-trip you into
doing things against your wish because of their selfish antics.
The end… almost!
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Thank you from the bottom of my heart for purchasing this book and
reading it to the end.
Conclusion
The book has shown us how to persuade people. You would have
realized by now that having the ability to do a job is not enough.
Someone else can be given a role because he was more convincing in
his presentation while you were hesitant. In an extremely
competitive world, you need to leverage the finer details to stay
relevant and be at the top of your game. In the same way, you might
be ruining your relationship because of seemingly minute but critical
details.
So far, we have been shown many ways in which we can win over
others. Also, we have explored what we lacked that can make a
person not want to listen to us and what we should apply to get the
results we crave. Also, we have discussed what we could do that
would get people to listen and what we want them to do but bring
adverse repercussions later. We have explained how desperation
might get you instant results but can backfire in the long run.
In the first chapter, we explicitly discussed how to get the right
responses from our target audience. We were made to know that
many people have the requisite qualities that others want, but they
don’t get enough people to get it from them because they don’t know
how to advertise themselves in the right way. In explaining how to
promote ourselves in the best way, we got to know that we must be
interested in know what others want.
Moreover, we learned that everybody in the world has needs, and
you can only persuade someone to do what you want if it would
satisfy any of their cravings. After knowing what the person wants,
we must show them that what we want them to do would satisfy their
wants. Another point is that it is not immediately that you convince
people; it is a gradual process. So, you should not give up easily when
things are not going your way. Sheer persistence can convince a
pessimist to give you a chance to prove yourself.
The second chapter explicitly explains the reason why many people
say no when we try to persuade them. The two methods of
convincing others to do something are either with words or writing.
That section dealt with why you get rejected when you try to
persuade them by speaking to them. It was highlighted that there are
numerous ways in which you talk, which turn people off from your
proposal. It does not even matter how logically attractive it is.
Some of the reasons explained include: talking without confidence,
using weasel words, which make our statements to lack conviction,
among others. In writing, modes of writing, which turn people
entirely off, were fully enumerated. The second chapter explained
that we would never get the desired responses if we aren’t
empathetic enough. No one wants to trust someone they feel might
have ulterior motives for asking them to commit to a project.
Just like chapter two, chapter three explained how people could
persuade others in their speeches and in writing. How you could
convince your listener is explained in depth using various examples
of how big companies and brands win over prospective customers.
Also, the third chapter gave an insight into how a person can write
convincingly. We used examples of Steve Harvey and many other
writers who have influenced people through what they have written
down. Chapter three ended with what Kurt Mortensen has said about
what can hinder successful persuasion.
Chapter four extensively talked about what body language is and why
many people fail because they couldn’t read the body language of
their target audience. The importance of body language was
enumerated, describing how it can be read. In chapter five, the
importance of listening was discussed. We reiterated the fact that
failing to listen is why many people struggle to succeed in various
endeavors. Poor listening skills will affect your relationship with your
loved ones and professional colleagues.
Most successful people speak less and listen more for them to know
the right steps to take. For instance, it is through listening to a
customer that someone would get to know what they want.
Meanwhile, understanding the needs of the buyer is what enables
you to satisfy the want. Also, things to stop doing to be a good
listener are mentioned and explained explicitly in chapter five.
Chapter six majorly discussed how to be relevant in the political
world. The tips in that chapter will enhance your political ambition.
Examples of successful and significant political figures like Winston
Churchill, Nelson Mandela, Dalai Lama, Abraham Lincoln won over
people were cited. These would make you learn from those who have
held political positions before. Their ability to cast a spell on their
audience when speaking is noteworthy, and you can improve your
speeches by emulating them.
In chapter seven, we are made to know that influence is about
perception; that is, how you persuade people to do something
depends on what you know or think about them. We were even made
to understand that those that manipulate information also do it by
altering the perception of their target audience. Meanwhile, chapter
eight is on manipulation. The definition was given, and what makes
it different from persuasion were highlighted. The primary difference
is intent; because they both seek to influence people to do what
something. For manipulation, the intent is the gain of the
manipulator, while persuasion focuses on the target.
In chapter eight, how to know that someone is being controlled was
explained. Tips on what to do when someone knows they are being
manipulated were also presented. Also, the two main types of
manipulation are stated: white and dark. White manipulation is not
well discussed because it doesn’t cause any psychological violence.
This type can be to the benefit of the target. Those in government
offices often leverage it to keep the sanity of society.
However, dark manipulation was explored in detail because it is
orchestrated by inflicting psychological violence. The two modes in
which dark manipulation is carried out were enumerated: dark
psychology and hypnosis. From the explanation and the explicit
examples that have been given, you should be able to win over
anyone with ease without manipulating them.
References
www.robert-reed.org
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THE ART OF SPEED READING
PEOPLE
Life-Changing Techniques to Analyze People, Detect Lies, and
Scan Behaviors through Dark Psychology, Body Language
Techniques, and Non-Verbal Communication Secrets.
By
ROBERT REED
Copyright © 2020 by Robert Reed – All rights
reserved.
The content contained within this book may not be reproduced,
duplicated, or transmitted without direct written permission from
the author or the publisher.
Under no circumstances will any blame or legal responsibility be
held against the publisher, or author, for any damages, reparation, or
monetary loss due to the information contained within this book.
Either directly or indirectly.
Legal Notice:
This book is copyright protected. This book is only for personal use.
You cannot amend, distribute, sell, use, quote, or paraphrase any
part, or the content within this book, without the consent of the
author or publisher.
Disclaimer notice:
Please note that the information contained in this book within this
document is for educational and entertainment purpose only. All
effort has been executed to present accurate, up to date, and reliable,
complete information. No warranties of any kind are declared or
implied. Readers acknowledge that the author is not engaging in the
rendering of legal, financial, medical, or professional advice. The
content within this book has been derived from various resources.
Please consult a licensed professional before attempting any
techniques outlined in this book.
By reading this document, the reader agrees that under no
circumstances is the author responsible for any losses, direct or
indirect, which are incurred as a result of the use of the information
contained within this document, including, but not limited to, errors, omissions, or inaccuracies.
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Introduction
In the University of Human Behavior, there is no graduation date. In
other words, studying and analyzing people is not an act but an art.
You will have to continue to study people for the rest of your life if
you want to build solid relationships with them across various
spheres of life. The art of reading people is subtle because it seems
easy on the eye but way more complicated than it looks. The truth is
that it is far more challenging to analyze, understand, and tame any
fierce, wild animal than humans.
Does this mean that the task of analyzing people is impossible? Far
from it! If it is impossible to understand people, then there is no
point in writing this book. This volume has been compiled because of
the knowledge and experience I have garnered from studying and
relating to people for years. Therefore, though not easy, it is possible
to analyze people and even categorize them successfully.
Both trait and type personality psychologists have been working for
years to have a better understanding of the personalities of people.
There used to be a time when psychologists classify people based on
the fluids in the body – blood, black bile, yellow bile, and phlegm.
This categorization of human personality is based on the medical
theory of a Greek physician, Hippocrates. According to him, people's
behavior is a function of excess or lack of these fluids.
Gallen of Pergamon, a Greek physician, developed this theory further
by describing people who have excess blood as "sanguine" while he
described people who have excess yellow bile as "choleric."
According to him, people who have excess black bile are
"melancholic," while people who have excess phlegm are
"phlegmatic." People in each of these personality categorizations
have unusual behavioral patterns.
Sanguine personality type was used to describe people who are
highly talkative, active, enthusiastic, and social. Such people enjoy
being among people and are often charismatic and outgoing.
Choleric individuals are decisive, independent, goal-oriented, and
natural leaders. Their attributes often make them easy choices for
leadership positions. Melancholic individuals tend to be detailoriented and analytical. Unlike sanguines, they don't like to be
singled out in a crowd.
Finally, phlegmatic individuals tend to be easy-going, quiet, peaceful,
and relaxed. They are compassionate and empathetic. When I was
taught about these four temperaments in the university, it was so
exciting that it felt real and genuine. I was already categorizing
myself in one of the attitudes. "I am a sanguine', I thought.
Unfortunately, so many people still hold on to these four
temperaments as the truth about personality types.
However, this simplistic medical theory of personality has been
disapproved and discarded as a fact. Medical science has established
that there is no direct relationship between these fluids and human
behavior! Are you surprised? Well, so I was. Can you now see why I
said in the beginning that analyzing human behavior is not as easy as
you may think? Analyzing people requires a meticulous approach
based on quality information. Thankfully, you will be able to have
access to all you need to know to be able to analyze people effectively.
Why is it essential that you can analyze people effectively? You need
to be able to analyze people correctly so that you will be able to
understand them rather than assume them. I know you will not
disagree with the fact that you need to understand the people around
you and live in harmony with them. You also need to understand
people around you to be able to help them fulfill their potentials.
Helping people fulfill their potential will be vital to you if you are a
parent or leader in any capacity. Understanding people will also
enable you to know what to expect from them. When you know what
to expect from a person, you will be able to prepare ahead so that you
will not displease the person. This is very crucial in romantic
relationships, friendships, and professional relationships.
Just imagine that you can predict your spouse. You will be able to do
things that will keep him or her happy. Many heartbreaks and
divorces can be avoided if only the people involved understand
themselves. Therefore, if you can analyze your spouse effectively, you
will be able to build a healthy and robust relationship with him or
her. You will be able to conveniently have a long-lasting relationship
that will make you happy for the rest of your life.
In the same way, if you understand your boss at work, your chances
of getting fired are slim. More importantly, your chances of getting
promoted and maximizing your potential become higher. Some
bosses can indeed be adamant and ruthless. However, most times,
the issue is not the toughness of the boss but because the employees
are not able to analyze him or her effectively.
Therefore, this book has the potential to improve your life in
multiple ways. This book can make you a better parent, employee,
boss, spouse, leader, or follower. This book will enable you to make
the most of your relationships with the people in your life. Some
things are simple, but their effect is powerful and radical. This book
contains every necessary tool that will equip you to harness your
relationships.
Hence, don't read this book just to have fun and relax. You have to
read it with the mindset of learning new things that will cause a
revolution in your experience as a human. Without the right
approach, this book will be nothing more than one of the books you
read in the past that had no impact on you. This is going to be an
incredible journey! Let's get started!
Chapter One
Why Our Body Cant' Lie
One of the critical ways you can analyze people is by paying attention
to their body language. People can tell you things that are not true,
but their body language often gives them in. Your body can reveal
stuff on your mind that you don't want someone to know. This is
because your subconscious mind is at work.
A lot of people don't know about the existence of the subconscious
mind. Some people that know about its existence have little
knowledge about its functionality. You need to understand how the
subconscious mind works because it will improve the quality of your
life. In this chapter, you will learn all you need to know about the
subconscious mind and how it affects your body language.
The Subconscious Mind
It is not out of place to see your subconscious mind as a powerful
secondary system that guides and controls every aspect of your life.
Being able to create communication between your conscious and
unconscious mind is a critical tool that will enable you to have better
experiences every day. This system acts as a storage system that
stores your previous knowledge, beliefs, skills, and memories.
If you are one of such few people who do not believe that there is
such a thing as the subconscious mind, science says otherwise.
Several studies have proven that your subconscious mind is as real as
your conscious mind. According to John and Ezequiel (2008), there
are several unconscious behavioral guidance systems. These systems
are responsible for motivation, perception, and evaluation.
According to Donald (1991), sophisticated unconscious behavior
guidance systems are real, and their existence makes perfect sense.
Although scientists differ when it comes to the subconscious mind's
strength and how it affects us, there is no doubt that the unconscious
mind exists. Brian Tracy, a renowned author, pointed out that the
subconscious mind is often overlooked. However, it has a
tremendous impact on your everyday life.
People often focus on the conscious mind because they think that all
they do emanates from there and is executed there. There have been
many books published on the power of the brain and how it can
affect your experiences in life. However, most of those books only
focus on the conscious mind. Therefore, some books whose title is
"The Power of the Mind" should have been better titled as "The
Power of the Conscious Mind."
There is no doubt that the conscious mind is vast and powerful.
Hence, you have to cultivate it consciously. However, your efforts
will be undermined if you don't pay attention to the subconscious
mind's layer underneath it. If you can tap into your unconscious
mind, you will have access to the ability to have more control over
your life and understand the behavior of the people around you
better.
How Your subconscious Mind Works
Having established the truthfulness of the subconscious mind's
existence, we are ready to explore how it works. Understanding how
it works will enable you to know how it affects your choices and
actions. You will also be able to have a better insight into why people
act the way you do to respond appropriately to them. Better
responses to people will translate into better relationships with
them.
The subconscious mind is an extensive memory system that has a
limited storage capacity. It is like a journalist that records everything
that has ever happened to you. Your conscious mind finds it easy to
recall these experiences and apply them to the present moment.
However, the information stored in the subconscious mind is not
easily remembered. It would not have been an issue if it does not
affect your choices and emotion today, but it does!
When under hypnosis, older people can recall events and experiences
over fifty years old. Therefore, the unconscious mind is far more
impeccable than your conscious mind. Your conscious mind is
limited, and the way you remember events can be affected by various
factors. Sometimes, you mistakenly merge two different experiences
as one. However, your subconscious mind is far more accurate.
You can block out some information from your conscious mind. You
can decide not to focus on some specific things at a time. However,
your subconscious mind is an unquestioning servant that records
everything. Have you found yourself singing a tune you never
deliberately learned before? Your conscious mind is like a farmer,
while your subconscious mind is the soil on which he plants his
seeds. They grow and germinate there. Some seeds unconsciously fall
on this soil, and they also end up springing up. These seeds end up
making some people monsters.
The subconscious mind produces either "weeds" or "flowers." Hence,
your subconscious mind can make you act in ways that are
dangerous to others and yourself when it produces weeds. On the
contrary, it can make you do amazing things that are positive to
others and yourself. Your subconscious mind is aware of all your
comfort zones and will always want to keep you there.
It is the reason you feel strange and uncomfortable when you want to
go against your established patterns of behavior. Your subconscious
mind is the reason you feel awkward when you want to attempt
something new. When you want to explore a unique opportunity,
your unconscious mind tries to pull you back to your comfort zone. It
will make you feel tensed and uneasy just because you are thinking
about doing something new.
How To Train Your Subconscious Mind
Successful people have a habit of pushing themselves above limits.
Your subconscious mind is used to a particular pattern of thinking
and behavior. Hence, it rebels by making you feel emotionally and
physically uncomfortable when you attempt something new.
Therefore, you must be able to train your unconscious mind to get
free from limiting thoughts. Below are some helpful tips you need to
prepare your subconscious mind for better productivity and
efficiency:
• Be willing to see the change: The realm of believing
something can happen in the conscious mind. However, the
field of understanding the difference you want to make
happens is the subconscious realm. You can't move from an
extreme skeptic to an absolute believer. You need first to begin
to imagine the way the change will look like. Imagine the
process and how you will go about implementing it. Once you
can overcome the visualization without issues, you will be able
to believe and execute without problems.
• Permit yourself to make changes: Remember that your
habits won't fly away overnight. Your behavioral pattern is well
documented in your unconscious mind. Hence, you have to
make deliberate attempts to allow yourself to make changes
that will take your life to the next level. Changing the narrative
of your thought pattern goes beyond just thinking about it. You
have to make monologues that align with the changes you want
to make. Tell yourself that you can lose 10 pounds while
working hard at it. Your positive speeches will help you adjust
your thinking and behavioral patterns, as documented in the
unconscious realm.
• Watch out for pessimists: You should be realistic about
your chances in life. However, you need to watch out for things
or people that will drown your self-efficacy. Your self-efficacy is
the confidence you have in yourself to achieve a task before
taking on the effort. When your self-efficacy is low, you will not
be able to see yourself succeeding in the mission. You have to
be careful about the people you listen to when you are
attempting to do something new. Some people will discourage
you because of their own experience. Your people can reinforce
subconscious limiting thoughts. Hence, avoid them as much as
possible.
• Surround yourself with positivity: Positive vibes can be
in the form of the kind of people you have around you. It can
also be in the form of keeping inspirational notes around you.
Whatever way you choose to go about it, the most important
thing is to surround yourself with things that can produce
positive vibes. You can promise yourself a treat by the time you
succeed in that task. You need all the help you can get to break
free from limiting subconscious thought patterns.
• Scrutinize your thought pattern: You need to be able to
recognize the source of your resistance. You need to know why
you are feeling uncomfortable when you intend to achieve
something monumental. Never forget that your subconscious
mind records your experiences. Hence, there is a belief system
hidden in your unconscious that is producing the emotional
discomfort you are having. Take out time to find out why you
feel better when you procrastinate about something beneficial
to you. If you search deeply enough, you will locate the source
of the resistance and handle it.
Body Language And The Subconscious Mind
Your conscious mind is a commander, and the subconscious mind is
that soldier that obeys his commander without scrutinizing the
command. It works tirelessly to ensure that your behavior is
consistent with your internalized beliefs, desires, hopes, and
thoughts. Hence, even when you are not saying anything, your body
language can tell a lot because your subconscious mind powers it.
You can apply this same knowledge to your analysis of people. You
can tell what they think about you or what you are telling them or
doing to them. Interestingly, some of those reactions are not
conscious. The person would have loved to keep them from you, but
they are revealed. You can count on the body language of a person to
tell you the truth more than what the person says.
There are times people will tell you that they are feeling good, but
their body language says something else. The person is saying that he
or she is fine, but his or her face is forlorn and withdrawn. You need
to be able to notice these cues because that is how you will be able to
help the person when necessary. As a parent, you will experience
situations where your kids tell you that they are okay when they are
not feeling fine.
Sometimes, it is because they are subconsciously avoiding stressing
you and wish to talk about what they are passing through, but they
are subconsciously avoiding troubling anyone. This will happen,
especially when you are going through tough times personally.
However, those moments are very critical when you can come
through for them despite your challenges.
If you are not sensitive enough to pay attention to their body
language, you will miss the real message, which can be dangerous. If
you are not careful, your kids would have started doing things you
never imagined. They might end up finding someone they feel
understands them more than you. When they see people who can
look at their body language and tell that they are not feeling okay,
they will connect with the person.
As a husband or wife, it is also critical that you have a good grasp of
your partner's body language. Most couples start out intending to
live with one another till death do them part. However, it is never the
case for many people. Things can start turning for the worse when
your romantic partners start feeling that their other half does not
understand them. Many unpleasant situations can be avoided when
you pay attention to your spouse's feelings by spotting his or her
body language on time.
Some Shocking Truths About Body Language
Many people think they know so much about body language until
they find out how little they know. I will close this chapter by
exposing you to some essential things about body language that may
shock you:
Body Languages Can Be Ambiguous
There are many people online acting as if they are entirely sure about
what a particular body language means. However, you have to be
careful because body language can be ambiguous. The fact that
someone is scratching his or her nose when you are talking does not
mean that he or she thinks that you are saying nonsense. There are
times when that can be the case. However, don't accuse people even
when you feel they may not rate you highly.
Notice the consistency of a body language before you conclude. A
person may yawn because he or she feels you are boring. However,
the person may also be tired at that moment. Hence, don't let anyone
make you feel like he or she is always spot on about what a particular
body language depicts.
The Face Is Not A Good Place To Start Reading Body
Language
Many people learn to mask their true feelings with facial expressions
over time. Hence, some people may smile so that no one will ask
them if anything is wrong with them. Some people will keep a
straight face so that you will think that they are interested in what
you are telling them. Hence, you should not use facial expressions to
judge how a person is feeling.
This is the reason most of the body languages described in this book
are not facial expressions. People put up smiling faces to get along in
relationships and workplaces. Indeed, no one can completely mask
their real emotions. True feelings will eventually pop out. However,
using facial expressions to judge people is not the right place to start.
Facial Expressions Give Away People's Strongest Feelings
The concept of "facial mask break" describes the occasional leakages
of genuine emotions though the facial mask. Facial mask breaks
occur within microseconds. Hence, it requires training and
meticulousness to be able to spot them. Although people often hide
their true feelings with facial expressions, this mask cannot last long.
Hence, in the long run, the face ends up giving away strong feelings.
There is a limit to which a person going through heartbreak can
smile to wade off his or her emotions. Hence, when you probe long
enough or stay around enough, the person ends up exploding out
with genuine emotions.
Body Languages Reveals Intents And Not Specific
Meanings
I have told you earlier in the introductory part of this book that
analyzing people is subtle because many think it is more
straightforward than it truly is. For example, a lot of people are not
aware of what body language reveals our intents and not specific
meanings. In other words, your body reacts to situations faster than
you realize. When you are hungry, your body is aware of the
circumstance sooner than your mind begins to know it. It’s the same
way when you are angry or happy.
There are times when you will be excited, and you cannot tell where
it is coming from. You will have to calm down and realize why you
are feeling so happy. This is a very critical aspect of anger
management. There are times when you are angry, and you cannot
tell why you are so mad. Never forget you're your subconscious mind
powers your body language. Hence, your body language reveals
intent rather than a particular thing.
You Can Read The Body Language Of The People In Your
Life Than Experts
Due to the kind of training and exposure experts have, they have a
higher chance of being more successful than a layman. This is
supposed to be the norm in most things in life. However, there are
some exceptions, and reading body language is one such exception. It
is interesting to find out that you have a higher chance of being
accurate with understanding the body language of people you know
very well than an expert.
This is because you have seen them display various body languages
at different times. Hence, you have a fair chance of being accurate
with the reason they are showing a particular body language than an
expert. It might sound strange, but that is the way it is.
The More You Think About It, The Less Accurate You Will
Be
Humans are designed to be able to read and understand the body
language: neurons in the brain fire when the subconscious mind
identifies an emotion. These neurons are mirror neurons developed
to contribute to the survival of humans across various ages. When
you see the fear in others, you are more alert to fight or flee as
depending on the situation.
Hence, what people often call the "gut feeling" is not magical or
supernatural. Just listen to your gut, and you will be able to
recognize and predict body language. The more you contemplate
about it, the more you are unlikely to be accurate. Your subconscious
mind powers your gut. Hence, it enables you to be more precise in
reading body language.
Your Subconscious Mind Is More Accurate Than Your
Conscious Mind
It may be surprising, but your conscious mind is indeed weak at
reading body language. Your subconscious mind is faster and can
process information faster than your conscious mind. The neurons in
your gut are more than the ones available in the brain of a cat. It is
connected to your subconscious mind such that the processing is
faster. Hence, you can count on your unconscious mind when it
comes to reading body language than your conscious mind.
Chapter Two
The Body Language Of Our Feet &
Legs
Most people focus on facial expressions. However, a lot is going on in
other parts of the body. People are often least aware of what is
happening to their legs. However, there is so much you can detect
from these postures. The leg and feet are an essential source of
information if you can understand them. In this chapter, you will
learn how you can analyze people by paying attention to the language
of their feet and legs.
The Feet And Legs Says A Lot
According to the research of Wallace Friesen and Paul Ekman,
people produce more actions in the lower part of their bodies when
they lie. There is no gender difference involved in this pattern of
human behavior. People are often aware of what their eyes and
hands are doing. Hence, they can consciously make them conform to
their bid to deceive others. However, they exercise less control over
their legs and feet.
People often subconsciously move their legs and feet to display
certain things that are on their minds. Hence, you can extract vital
information about people by looking at their feet and legs. Liars
often pay more attention to their arms, faces, and hands. They often
forget what their lower bodies are doing. Hence, they are often
betrayed by the movement of the muscles of their feet and legs.
Liars prefer solid tables to glass-topped tables because glass-topped
ones can reveal the subconscious actions of their lower extremities.
The human leg evolved for the dual purposes of running away from
danger and looking for food. The brain is wired to achieve these two
objectives of running away from what you don't want and moving
towards what you want. Hence, the way a person uses his or her legs
reveals where he or she wants to go or does not want to go.
You can know when a person wants to stay in a conversation or not
by paying attention to his or her legs and feet. Crossed leg positions
show that a person is uncertain and will prefer not to be engaged in a
conversation. However, an uncrossed or open leg position indicates
that the person is open and interested in the conversation. Paying
attention to these leg positions will help you to get more out of your
talks with people.
The Four Main Standing Positions
There are four leading standing positions. Each of these standing
positions indicates the state of the mind of the person.
The Parallel Stance: This is a standing position in which the legs
are straight, and the feet are placed in such a way that they are close
together. This position is common among schoolchildren when they
are talking to their teachers and people in the military reporting to
their commanding officer. People standing before a judge awaiting a
sentence also employ this standing position.
This standing position is precarious because it is easy to catch
someone off guard in this position. Hence, this standing position
shows neutrality. It also indicates uncertainty about a person's
opinion on a matter. It shows that the person is tentative or hesitant.
This standing position reveals that the person is awaiting further
evidence or persuasion before taking a stance.
Legs Apart: This standing position is predominantly a male
gesture. It involves making your legs straight such that your feet are
placed wide apart. This body position makes your weight equally
distributed between your legs. It is a firmly stable posture that shows
dominance. It is a standing position employed by people who wish to
show others that they are in control. Men adopt this standing
position more frequently than females due to their higher center of
gravity.
This standing position highlights the genitals, thereby giving men a
virile look. In sports, men often adopt this stance before matches or
at halftime. It allows men to display their muscularity and show
togetherness as a team. You should utilize this standing position if
you are feeling defeated. People use this standing position to show
that they are not afraid and confident in their abilities.
It is a dominant posture that gives you a matching feeling to stand up
against obstacles and challenges. When a person you are talking to
adopt this posture, it shows that the person is ready for all you can
throw at him. The pose reflects that the person is not deterred by
what will happen next. It is a stance adopted by people who want to
look like tough guys subconsciously.
Posing With A Foot Forward: This standing position was
common among prestigious men in the Middle Ages to the middle of
the 19th century. This standing position shows the inner part of the
leg, which is one of the body's erotic zones. Posers and gentlemen
adopt this position as it allows them to bear their weight on one leg
while presenting the other with the inner thigh facing.
In recent times, red-carpet celebrities adopt this posture as it allows
them to show off their masculinity and legs. It will enable them to
display their legs to their best advantage by turning their feet
outward to reveal the most erogenous part of their legs. This posture
demonstrates where the mind of a person is. People usually point
their lead foot to the direction they want to go. In a group setting,
people look their lead foot to the most exciting person in the group.
Standing Crossed Legs: It is not uncommon to find men and
women standing with their legs and arms crossed in group meetings.
If you pay attention, you will notice that the standing position is at a
more excellent range from the customary social distance. People
employ this stance when they are among people they don't know
well. If you interact with some of them, you will find out that some of
them are not familiar with some people in the group. This posture
denies access to the genitals. Hence, it is a defensive attitude.
When a woman adopts this stance, she is trying to stay and not leave.
She is also trying to tell you that access is denied. When a man
employs this stance, it shows that he wants to stay but careful to
ensure that you will not hurt him. This posture also indicates that the
person is feeling inferior and vulnerable. Males do this when they are
with other males that they think are superior to them. People adopt
this position when they lack confidence.
Moving From Closed To Open
Some people deny that they are not feeling insecure about being
defensive when they cross their arms and legs. Some claim that they
are doing that because they are cold. However, when people are
frozen, they usually thrust their arms under their armpit rather than
tuck them under their elbows. Besides, when people are cold, they
often adopt a body hug such that their legs are crossed in a straight,
stiff, and pressed manner. However, the defensive stance is more
relaxed.
Defensive people say they are cold rather than admit that they are
anxious or nervous. They say this to further take off pressure from
them. However, in truth, people adopt this posture because it suits
their emotional state of being insecure and feeling vulnerable. People
change this posture when they start feeling more comfortable. They
move from crossing their legs and arms to a more open position
when they think that their situation is improving.
Increased openness and acceptance begins with a closed position. As
rapport begins to build, the legs are uncrossed first before feet are
placed together in a parallel stance. Next, the arms are folded on top
in the arm-cross, and the palm is sometimes flashed when speaking.
Eventually, the arm is not used as a barrier but held outside of the
other one in a single-arm wall.
The two arms are unfolded next such that one arm is placed in the
pocket or on the hip. Eventually, the person takes the foot forward
position, which shows acceptance of the other person. Notice this
sequence of movement to evaluate how well you are doing in
convincing someone to open up to you. If the arms and legs remain
crossed, the person is not willing to yield ground.
Other Legs And Feet Postures
Apart from the four leading leg mentioned above and feet postures,
there are other legs and feet postures people adopt. Here they are:
The Crossed Leg Position
People in Asian and European cultures often adopt a posture of
neatly crossing one leg over the other. Usually, they pass their left
legs over their right legs. However, it is a reflection of the person's
emotive state when a person crosses both arms and legs. It shows
that the person has withdrawn from the conversation. When a
person is employing this posture, it can be challenging to convince
the person to yield ground.
The person adopting this posture is trying to tell you that he or she is
not receptive to open communication. People who sit like this often
talk in shorter sentences and tend to reject more proposals in a
business context. Such people don't usually remember the details of
what has been discussed previously. People who sit with their legs
and arms in an open position are often more open to communication
and discussions.
The Figure Four Crossed Legs Posture
American men and young men who have been exposed to American
news media or entertainment often use this posture. It reflects an
argumentative or competitive attitude. This posture is typical among
humans and chimps and monkeys, as it enables them to protect
themselves from damage to the genitals in a physical fight.
During World War II, the Nazis were on a lookout for this posture
because it was proven that such a person is not German. It also
showed them that such a person must have spent his time in the US.
This posture is not very common in Europe, but it is increasing. Men
adopting this sitting position are perceived as being relaxed,
youthful, and dominant.
You have to be careful with this sitting posture because people who
adopt it are seen as disrespectful in some parts of Asia and the
Middle East. This is because this sitting posture reveals the sole of
the shoe, which is culturally associated with feet. Women wearing
pants are also fond of employing this posture. However, they often
do it when they are around other women. They prefer to avoid doing
it when they are around men to avoid being perceived as too
masculine.
Locked Ankles
Studies have shown that people lock their ankles when they are
trying to hold back information. Dijksterhuis and his colleagues
studied body language with particular attention to the ankles of the
participants. The study revealed that people have their ankles locked
when they don't want to tell others something.
This discovery is critical to the training of in-flight personnel. These
people are trained to notice passengers who want a particular service
but won't ask because they are shy. Such passengers often sit with
their ankles locked, particularly during take-off. When such
passengers are offered refreshments, they will move towards the
edge of their seats and unlock their ankles.
In situations whereby the person's ankles remain locked, it shows
that the person wants the service even when he or she is saying "No."
During such cases, the crew member responds by asking the
passenger whether he or she is sure that he or she does not want the
service. This gesture often opens up such passengers.
In another study involving patients in dental surgery, a similar result
was obtained. This study included 150 patients. During the
investigation, it was observed that 128 patients immediately locked
their ankles when they sat on the dentist's chair. They either clench
their hands around their groin area or grip the chair's armrests. The
same was observed among both the men and the women. However,
women tend to rest more on their midsection.
When people sit in a waiting room with their ankles crossed, it is
because the check-up is a routine, and they know how long it lasts.
Such people have most likely visited the dentist a couple of times and
know what to expect. They understand that the check-up will not be
particularly painful.
The Leg Clamp
This is a derivative of the figure four crossed legs posture. It shows
that such a person will rarely condescend to the opinion of others.
Such people are often stubborn and do not often see any sense in the
proposition of others. They can be frustrating to deal with within a
group. It gets worse when they are the ones at the helm of affairs.
When such people are the ones calling the shot, they rarely allow
others to express themselves. They believe that they are always right,
and people should listen to them. Such people deserve credit in the
sense that they are confident in their patterns and methods.
However, no one is impeccable. Such people have had numerous
successes, and they feel they can do no wrong. However, no level of
expertise absorbs a person from making occasional errors in
judgment. Hence, such people must value the opportunity to see
things from the perspective of others.
Seated Parallel Legs
This is the sitting position men like the most with women. The hips
and legs of women have a bone structure that allows them to sit
comfortably in his position. It projects strong feminine signals that
men like to see. Most men will find it difficult to replicate this sitting
position. In this sitting position, one leg is pressed against the other,
thereby giving the other leg a more youthful and healthier look.
This sitting position instinctively appeals to men from a reproductive
point of view. Women are taught in modeling classes to sit in this
position. This is not the same as a woman crossing and uncrossing
her legs when she is with a man she is in love with. Women do that to
shift the attention of the man to their legs.
Entwining The Legs
Some gestures are particular to women, and this is one of such
gestures. This gesture involves locking the top of one foot around the
other leg. This position reflects insecurity. It is difficult to spot
because the upper body of the woman will appear relaxed. A low-key
and friendly approach often makes her unwind from this position.
Employing this gesture does not necessarily mean that the lady is not
confident about her knowledge about what she is to discuss. Instead,
it can mean that she is shy because she has to speak to some she feels
is superior to her or a large crowd. When the lady feels more secure
and assured, she will place both feet firmly on the ground.
Ladies also entwine their legs when they are speaking to a guy they
like, but they are shy to talk to. They don't know what to expect, but
they want things to go well. They depend more on the guy to say the
right words to get the discussion moving in the right direction. They
will become more relaxed and place both feet on the ground when
they feel more comfortable.
Going The High Heels Way
Many women know what to do to get the attention of men.
Sometimes, they are willing to suffer discomfort just to make them
look attractive to the opposite sex. One of the ways they make
themselves more appealing to men is by wearing high heels. The
reason women appear more pleasant to men when they wear high
heels can be traced to the way humans are wired biologically.
High heels give the illusion of better health and increased fertility
because it makes the legs of a woman appear more toned. Some
women don't think about it, and some men don't think about it, but
men are naturally attracted to women they feel shows signs of
increased
fertility.
Other
characteristics
consistent
with
attractiveness, such as the accentuation of the arch in the lower back
and emphasis on the buttocks, also come with wearing high heels.
Fidgeting Feet
This gesture measures the level of patience of a person. The feet of
such a person is revealing that he or she wants to walk or run away.
If the person is standing up, he or she will repeatedly tap his or her
foot to show that he or she is impatient. In a sitting position, the legs
will be crossed while twitching the hanging foot up and down. If you
find yourself in this position, breathe from your abdomen, and adjust
your stance.
Putting A Foot Forward
When people are interested in having a conversation with a person,
they put a foot forward. This enables them to shorten the distance
between them and the person. When not interested in the discussion,
people often put their feet back, especially when under a chair. Men
often do this when speaking to women they find attractive.
It is a typical male courtship body language that exposes his groin
area and makes him look more massive. When the woman with
whom he is speaking does not want to engage him, she will hold her
legs together and turn her face away from him. Nothing has to be
said to communicate what is intended. Only paying more attention
will let you know what a person wants, even when they are not saying
it.
Chapter Three
The Body Language Of Our Hands,
Arms & Shoulders
The middle finger gesture is a disrespectful way people show that
they are pissed off. Many people are familiar with this gesture.
However, it is just one of the many ways people communicate with
their hands. There are many other subtler ways people use their
hands to express their emotions. It can be obvious sometimes, but it
is not always easy to detect.
Studies have shown that there are more nerve connections between
the brain and the hands than in any other part of the body. Hence,
you can detect a great deal of the emotional state of people by
observing their hands and arms. The gestures and positions of the
hands during conversations are powerful ways to identify what is
going on in a person's mind.
The hands are usually positioned in front of the body. Hence, it is
easier to spot the signals they are sending. People typically have
trademark hand positions, and you are no different. Unknown to
many people, their hands unconsciously divulge the intent of their
hearts. You can spot a person's attitudinal disposition to others,
situations, or places.
You can start paying attention to the language of the hands by paying
attention to your own hands. Notice how your hands move
spontaneously when greeting people or bidding them farewell. You
should also notice how you move your hands when you agree with
the opinion of a person. You will see that you use your hand to
illustrate both your annoyance and pleasure.
People use their hands to illustrate emotions ranging from sadness,
anger, love, happiness, to frustration. Most people use their hands to
substantiate the message they are passing across. Some hand
positioning shows dominance and authority, while some express
submission and openness. People often reinforce what they mean by
using their hands to demonstrate what they are talking about.
However, even when people are not saying anything, they can tell a
lot by using their hands. If you want to be a reliable communicator,
you must understand the message people pass across with their
hands and fingers. In this chapter, you will learn all you need to
know about the various ways people communicate with their hands.
This will enable you to recognize when to continue to engage in a
conversation and when to withdraw.
Communicating With The Hands
Human society has always given people who are in authority the
freedom to address others. Such people are allowed to speak first
before others because of their importance to society. The more the
power vested on a person, the more the person's preference during
conversations. Others have no choice but to listen to such people.
Interrupting such people can attract heavy penalties. For example, a
person of low status can be executed for interrupting Julius Cesar
according to Roman history.
Things are a little different in modern times. Phones and other
devices have literarily give people freedom of speech. Social media
platforms now serve as a means through which people air their
opinion with little risk of being persecuted and punished. The
anonymity such platforms offer people make it possible to say your
opinion with low risk of incurring punishment.
During real conversations, the hand plays critical roles. For example,
people often raise their hands to take turns before contributing
during meetings. This gesture was borrowed from the French and
Italians. The order of speaking in Italy is simple. The person who has
his hands raised has the floor and will be the one to talk. Those
listening will either have their hands behind them or have their
hands down.
The idea is to ensure that you raise your hands in the air to speak.
Italians often hold the hands of others to suppress them from
speaking. Some people often assume that Italians love themselves
because they are fond of holding each others' hands during meetings.
Unknownst to them, they hold one another's hands to suppress them
from speaking ahead of them.
Noticing the way a person summarizes an opinion can reveal
whether the person is biased or objective. The Italians often hold one
palm up and articulate each other while using the other hand to
express opposing views. Left-handed people prefer to use their left
hand to articulate their points while right-handed people prefer to
use their right hand.
Projecting Yourself Positively With Hand Gestures
The way you use your hands can make people more receptive or
unwilling to listen to you. Open palms were used in ancient times to
demonstrate that you have come in peace. It is a means of saying that
you are not holding any weapon. The human hand is unique not just
because of what it can achieve but also because of what it can
communicate. Humans use their hands to tell a story, sign for the
deaf, and express their innermost desires.
Humans are sophisticated with the use of various languages. Some
people can even speak up to three to four idioms. However, humans
are still adept at communicating their emotions, sentiments, and
thoughts. For various reasons, the hands can mesmerize people and
make them feel secured. Hence, you can take advantage of the use of
your hands to appeal to the emotions of others.
Hand gestures grab attention and increase the impact of your words.
The way you use your hands can help people retain more of the
information they heard. An analysis of TED talks revealed that most
popular speakers use an average of close to 500 hand gestures. This
is massive when you consider than regular speakers don't use up to
have of that number. People who use their hands when speaking are
often viewed as agreeable, warm, and energetic.
People who don't use their hands as much when speaking are
considered analytical, cold, and animated. Researcher Chartrand and
colleagues studied the perceptive-behavior link. In this study, they
exposed the participants to stories featuring cartoon characters. For
some of the participants, hand gestures were added. At the end of the
study, people exposed to the additional hand gestures were able to
recall more than those who were just told the stories.
Hence, the use of hand gestures is a powerful tool for helping people
recall information. You can have people remember what you say
more by employing appropriate hand gestures.
Common Hand Gestures
There are many hand gestures people use to illustrate and express
their emotions. Here are the most common among them:
Rubbing Fingers Together
This is an expectancy gesture but usually used when expecting
money rather than other things. People do this by rubbing their
thumb against their fingertips or index finger. This hand gesture
symbolizes rubbing between the thumb and the fingertips. You may
see your friend using this hand gesture when asking you to borrow
him money. You can also find someone you owe, making this gesture
to let you know that you need to pay up.
Steepled Hands
Ray Birdwhistell's study on body movements demonstrated that
people use a restricted "steepled" finger position to express
confidence. This minimalist gesture is used by people who perceive
themselves as reputable, especially when they are among elites. This
position can be achieved by letting your fingertips touch lightly so
that they look steeple on a building.
This gesture is often referred to as the "power position." This is
because it is used prevalently during interactions involving a
superior and a subordinate. It is a hand gesture that reflects
confidence and self-assurance. It is commonly used by accountants,
lawyers, and people in authority when giving instructions or advice.
People also use this gesture in informal settings to display their
confidence.
This hand gesture often comes in two forms: the lowered steeple and
the high steeple. The elevated steeple position involves raising the
fingers in front of the chest while the lowered steeple is achieved by
increasing the fingers below the chest. People who use the elevated
steeple position are often seen as arrogant. It is commonly used
when speaking, while the lowered one is often used when listening.
Rubbing the Palms Together
This is a universal hand gesture that often comes with smiles. It is a
hand gesture people often use when they are expecting something
positive to happen soon. People use it when they anticipate the
conclusion of a lucrative deal, agreement to a proposal, or approval
of a request. In some cases, some dice throwers rub the dice between
their palms as a sign of expectation of positive results.
In some situations, you will see a master of ceremony also use this
hand gesture as he announces the next speaker. It shows that he is
expecting the speaker to do justice to the matter in an impressive
manner. People also use this hand gesture before or when
announcing pleasing news. You can find a salesman rubbing his
hand in glee as he announces skyrocketing sales of the company's
products.
Waiters are also fond of using this hand gesture. They often use it as
they anticipate a good tip from a customer. However, the speed of
the rubbing of palms determines whether the person is excited or
planning something naughty. Imagine an estate agent rubbing his
palms slowly when telling you that he has found the right house for
you. You may suspect him of panning something dubious. Hence,
positive anticipation is accompanied by a quick rubbing of the palms
together.
Meanwhile, the context also matters. A person might be rubbing his
or her palms together because he or she is cold. If someone is
rubbing his palms together on a cold winter day as he awaits a train,
it may because the person is severe rather than expecting anything
excitedly.
Clenched Hands
If you remember times when you were doing your best to hold back a
negative emotion, you will remember clenching your hands together.
People grasp their hands together when they are scared, nervous, or
angry. They do this because they don't want negative emotions to get
the better of them. The hands are clenched tighter when the feeling is
strong. The clenched hand's position also reveals the kind of negative
emotion the person is trying to hold back.
If you have a boss sitting with his elbows resting on a desk with his
hands clenched in front of his face, it is not a good sign. It shows that
he will be challenging to handle. If you notice that the clenched
hands are near his mouth, he is most likely trying to control himself
from saying some things to you that may hurt your emotions. In such
cases, respect yourself and watch what you say. Try to end the
discussion as soon as possible without being rude.
If you are not conversant with this gesture, you may mistake it for
confidence. On the face of it, it looks like the person is demonstrating
confidence. However, he is trying to keep himself from unleashing
"missiles" on you that will not please you.
Supporting the Head with the Hand
This is a familiar gesture that reveals boredom. Listeners are fond of
using this gesture to signal that boredom is beginning to set in. The
hand is used to support the head as if the person is trying to stop
himself from sleeping. The intensity of the support showcases the
strength of the boredom. It starts by supporting the chin with the
thumb. It later progresses to helping the jaw with the fist when the
monotony intensifies.
The person displays an extreme lack of interest when the head is
fully supported by the hand. In the worst case, the person may
eventually sleep off. When looking out for this gesture, great
speakers know when the audience is no longer on the same
wavelength as them. Some "pull a rabbit out of the hat" to wow the
audience again while some simply walk away before the ovation runs
out.
Other Hand Gestures
You can practice hand gestures and present yourself to others as a
confident person. Apart from the hand, as mentioned earlier
gestures, there are other less common hand gestures. Below are
some of them:
Gripping Hands
This hand gesture is often used to express confidence and
dominance. This position is achieved by placing your hands behind
your back and griping one side with the other. You may grab your
hand, wrist, or arm, depending on what makes you feel confident.
You will find this hand gesture among males of royal families, police
officers patrolling, and senior military officers.
You might have noticed the headmaster of your school assuming this
position while striding through the corridors. It is a position that
shows that the person is not afraid to expose his unprotected
stomach, heart, and neck to potential threats. Hence, it is a position
that shows that the person is ready for whatever happens next. You
can try this position the next time you are feeling insecure or
anxious. You will notice that you will start feeling more confident.
It can also be a means of controlling frustration. A person may hold
his wrist to keep calm. The wrist is the lowest level of frustration. As
the irritation gets worse, the person will likely move his hand higher.
Holding Hands Behind The Back
Unlike the gripping hand gesture, you can be more sure about the
meaning of a person holding his hands behind his back. It is a grand
gesture among leaders, royalty, military personnel, and people in a
position of authority. It is a gesture that reflects supremacy and
superiority. The person assuming this position is exposing his
vulnerable pelvis, heart, and stomach. He is subconsciously saying
that he is in control and not weak.
Try to assume this position when you are in a high-stress situation
such as waiting outside a dentist's surgery or being interviewed by
TV reporters. You will realize that you will start feeling authoritative
and confident. Law enforcement agents who do not carry firearms
use this position consistently. However, those who carry handguns
occasionally employ this position. They prefer to hang their arms by
their side.
The hand gripping gesture is more of using one hand to hold the
other to prevent it from hitting out in frustration. However, holding
hands in the back is a sign of being in control. Both sides are settled
without agitations. The person is not trying to get a grip of himself
but expressing his confidence.
Framing the Face
Contrary to popular opinion, this is not a negative gesture. It is a
hand gesture rooted in the art of flattery. People often use this hand
gesture in courtship when they are with a man or woman they
admire. It is used to attract the attention of the opposite sex. It is a
way of presenting one's face to a lover to tell the person that you
belong to him or her.
It is a gesture that gives the green light to the opposite sex to make a
good impression on a receptive partner. A smile and a seductive look
often accompany it. This does not reveal whether the person is
sincere or not. However, it shows that the person is willing to listen
to all the other person has to say.
Thumb Gestures
The thumb is physically the most potent finger in the human hand.
Unlike other primates like monkeys, gorilla, and chimpanzees,
humans can stretch their inches further from the remaining fingers.
This has given humans the edge to be able to make sophisticated
tools and weapons that ensure their dominance. It has also given
man the edge to excel in language, mathematics, literature, and
science.
In palmistry, the thumb is used to depict ego, superiority, aggression,
and dominance. In Roman history, when a person is said to be
"under the thumb," there is an imminent disaster awaiting the
person. It means that the person will be executed soon. In most
cultures around the globe, the thumbs-up positions depict
agreement. However, it is not like that everywhere. In some cultures,
it is perceived as disrespectful and rude.
Thumbs protruding from a person's pocket is a thumb gesture used
to demonstrate confidence and self-assuredness. It is more common
with men than with women. When you use your thumbs to point
towards a person, you are ridiculing or dismissing the person. People
find this disrespectful and will not see you in a good light when you
employ this gesture.
Thumbs Protruding From Coat Pocket
It is not common to find women holding their thumbs while holding
their jacket lapel. However, both men and women have the culture of
having their inches protruding from their coat pocket. It is a gesture
that reflects that the person feels that he is in a superior position to
others. It is usually the boss of a company that employs this position
in a work environment. However, you won't want to utilize this
position before your boss mistakenly.
Anyone who uses this position before someone superior to him or
her will be considered as disrespectful. It will paint you in the wrong
light for the person. If you are not careful, it may be the beginning of
the end for you in that company. A lawyer appearing before the jury
in this position will also be perceived as being rude.
The Backward Pointing Thumb
Many people perceive this gesture as a nasty and disrespectful way of
referring to others. It often comes with a derogatory remark. You can
find a husband pointing backward with his thumbs while speaking to
his friend. He may say something like "she can be a bunch of
trouble." Whether he realizes it or not, he has invited trouble with
this approach.
In particular, women often find this gesture annoying, especially
when it comes from a man. Every woman wants to be respected.
Hence, if you don't want to be on the wrong side of a woman as a
man, you need to avoid referring to her with your thumbs pointing
backward. If you find yourself doing that, you need to stop that habit
before it breaks your home consciously. Women don't usually use
this gesture. However, they use it occasionally to refer to people they
don't like.
Drumming the Fingers on the Table
This gesture is often misinterpreted as boredom. However, it reflects
impatience
rather
than
monotony.
If
you
notice
people
demonstrating this signal when you are addressing them, you need
to act fast. You need to do something to turn the situation around
before other listeners are affected. The speed of the drumming
reflects the degree of impatience. Faster drumming shows that the
eagerness of the group or crowd is becoming extremely out of hand.
Chapter Four
THE BODY LANGUAGE OF THE
FACE
I mentioned earlier that the face is not your best bet when it comes to
detecting people's emotions. People are relatively conscious of their
facial gestures and can manipulate it to achieve their goals. However,
no one can hide behind the face mask forever. The face still gives the
most reliable indicator of the emotional state of a person. Hence, if
you pay close attention, you will be able to find out what is going on
in a person's mind by observing their facial gestures.
People use different face gestures with or without accessories to
communicate their inner thoughts. Some gestures show sincerity,
while some are used to deceive others. It is easier to spot when
people you know are trying to manipulate you, but there is no
guarantee. In this chapter, you will learn essential tips about the
meaning of some facial gestures and how you can take advantage of
them.
Suppressing Facial Expressions
The face is used more frequently than any other part of the body to
cover up lies. People use nods, winks, and smiles to say what they
don't mean. However, unknown to many people, their emotions and
attitudes are written all over their faces. When a person tries to
conceal the truth, a thought quickly runs through the person's mind,
and it will be reflected in front of the person. You can spot this before
the person resumes "acting."
A common way of detecting when a person is pretending to be
listening is a quick nose touch as an itch or resting the hand on the
face. Such a person may be acting to be listening to you but is bored
to death by you. Hence, you need to pay attention to these gestures to
know when to change the discussion. You can also look for ways to
lighten up the conversation when you notice these facial gestures.
The easiest way to conceal a lie is to maintain a composed face.
When a person is listening to you, your words will draw emotions
from the person. Hence, something is not right when a person
maintains a composed face for a while. You can spot that the person
is concealing an emotion by checking out for tightened jaws, a tense
forehead, and narrowed eyes. These facial expressions give away the
real intent of the person.
For example, a person at the funeral of a loved one may feel like
crying uncontrollably. However, he or she may not want people to
focus on him or her. Hence, instead of crying, the person may
maintain a composed face. The person can suppress the urge to cry
by continuing a tight-lipped pose. Sometimes, such a person may
smile slightly to avoid unwanted attention. However, when you look
into the eyeballs of such a person, you will discover that they are full
of mourning. A bear hug may be all it takes for the person to break
down in tears.
Gender Differences In Suppressing Facial
Expressions
Women are more sensitive than men, and they excel more when it
comes to reading emotions. Hence, it is not too shocking to find out
that they are more adept than men at concealing their feelings. Baby
girls are fond of crying to get the sympathy of others. They can also
burst into tears at will to make other babies start crying too. Baby
boys can do this too but not as well as their baby girl counterparts.
Sanjida O'Connell researched how humans lie. This was a five-month
study focused on evaluating gender differences when it comes to
lying. The study results showed that men are not as adept as women
when it comes to concealing the truth. Sanjida discovered that men
tell less complicated lies than women. She found that men often tell
lies, such as not being able to call because their phone battery died.
The study results also revealed that people tend to believe attractive
bodies more than the ones who are not attractive. Most people
assume that wonderful folks don't tell lies but associate wrongdoings
to ugly people. This explains why leaders such as Bill Clinton and
John F Kennedy were able to get out of troublesome situations many
times.
Common Facial Expressions
Facial expressions are linked to emotions. They are the most
transparent way to express what a person is thinking. Below are
some common facial expressions and their interpretations:
Lowering the Eyebrow
Lowering the eyebrows and raising them is used for the same
purpose by monkeys and apes. However, humans are way more
sophisticated than that. Humans have different uses for the raising
and the lowering of the eyebrow. Lowering the eyebrow among
humans is a show of aggression and dominance.
It is often used to show that you don't rate the person at the receiving
end highly. You won't want to be at the receiving end of this gesture
if you are trying to get the person's approval. A rejection is on its way
when a person looks at you with lowered eyebrows. This gesture
makes the person's eyes narrower and makes the person appear
more authoritative.
The Eyebrow Lift
The eyebrow lift was used as a means of saying a long-distanced
"hello" in ancient times. The apes and monkeys use this gesture as a
means of social greeting. However, the meaning of the eyebrow lift
has various interpretations depending on some specific
considerations among humans. When the eyebrow is lifted briefly
and then dropped again, the intention is to draw others' attention to
the face. The Japanese do not accept losing the eyebrow quickly
because it is seen as having sexual connotations.
However, this gesture can also be used to express surprise, especially
when an unexpected visitor arrives. It is a way of saying that you are
surprised to see the person. It can be pleasant when you express this
gesture towards strangers. They will consider you as a friendly and
non-threatening person. If you do this while sitting at a lobby, there
is a high chance that you will have people come back to talk to you.
Lowering the Head while Looking Up
This is a submissive gesture that often draws sympathy from others.
This gesture is appealing to men because it makes the eyes look
bigger, thereby making the woman appear like a child. Children
spend most of a lot of time looking up, which creates a parenting
reaction. Hence, it is not too surprising that this gesture makes men
spring to action for a woman.
Princess Diana mastered this art, and she used it in incredible ways.
She keeps her chin down while looking up to expose her vulnerable
neck. This gesture often makes many people have paternal and
maternal reactions towards her. She used this gesture to her
advantage when she was under attack by the British Royal family.
Marilyn Monroe, a famous actress, used this gesture to find it easy to
access the emotional core of men. The miss used body language, and,
in particular, pre-orgasmic expressions make men want to have her
in movies. She would lower her eyelids while raising the eyebrows
simultaneously. Then, she would look up and slightly part the lips to
display sexual submissiveness. Women have used this cluster for
centuries to get the attention of men.
Eye Widening
Widening the eyes is more common among women than among men.
Women do this by raising their eyebrows and eyelids. This gesture
creates a "baby face" appearance of a little child. This gesture has a
powerful effect on men because it releases hormones into their
brains. The release of these hormones stimulates the desire to
protect and defend females. This gesture makes women look more
submissive, which many men find attractive.
Looking Away While Speaking
Looking away is often associated with lying. Some people indeed find
it difficult to maintain eye contact with others when lying to them.
However, many people find it easy to maintain intense eye contact
while lying. Hence, the fact that a person is looking away from you
when talking does not mean that he is lying. The person may just be
distracted by some things he sees in the immediate environment.
You cannot use looking away as absolute evidence that a person is
lying. You will have to use other cues to corroborate the fact that the
person is looking away. When your gaze meets that of another
person consistently during a conversation, it can mean two things. It
can say that the person finds you interesting or attractive. However,
it can also mean that the person is hostile towards you. Hence, don't
assume as a man if your gaze kept meeting that of a lady during a
conversation. Many men struggle to distinguish between when a
woman is about to kiss them or slap them.
The Sideways Glance
This facial expression is used to express interest in something or
someone. It can also be used to communicate hostility or
uncertainty. You have to look at other cues to know exactly what the
person is thinking. If a person combines the sideways glance with a
smile or slightly raised eyebrows, it demonstrates interest. In a
courtship context, it is a signal that the person finds the other person
appealing and attractive.
However, when the sideways glance is combined with lowered
eyebrows, it is a sign of hostility, suspicion, and a critical attitude.
When the sideways glance is combined with the corners of the mouth
lowered, it means the same thing. It is not a positive gesture.
Evaluation Gestures
You must be able to detect when a person is no longer interested in
what you are saying. Good speakers can recognize when they are
beginning to sound boring to the audience. Good salespersons also
know when a prospective client is not interested in what they are
offering him or her. No one wants to present anything to a crowd
that is not interested in hearing him or her.
It is interesting to know that some gestures show when a person is
evaluating you. These gestures show what the person thinks of you.
Below are some common evaluation gestures:
Nodding the Head
This is a familiar gesture that often reveals that a person agrees with
what you are saying. A quick nodding of the head is your best bet
that the person is genuinely interested in and in agreement with you.
However, a slow nodding of the head may be fake. The person may
just be nodding so that you will not feel offended. It is often
accompanied by an occasional abrupt stop of the nodding.
This reflects that the person had to stop to think about what you just
said. However, it is unlikely that a person will be able to sustain this
position for long. If you continue speaking long enough, the way the
person really feels will show up. The person may even end up telling
you by himself or herself that he or she does not agree with you.
I once experienced a situation where an associate was nodding slowly
to something I was telling him. I was surprised to find out that he
reported me to my boss later on. He was only nodding his head to
encourage me to keep on speaking. Meanwhile, he was in total
disagreement with what I was talking about.
The Head Down
This is not a positive gesture. When the chin is down, it shows a
judgmental, harmful, or aggressive attitude. Psychologists know that
there is a problem when the head of a client is down. It is a sign of
grief. It shows that the person has issues that have to be resolved
before things get out of hand. Public speakers don't look forward to
seeing an audience whose heads are down when they are presenting.
Seasoned speakers will do all they can to make their audience
participate in the presentation. They try their best to make the
audience lift their heads either before they start or when they have
already begun their performance.
The Head Tilt
People often tilt their heads to show submission. This gesture
exposes the throat and makes the person appear less threatening.
Babies display this gesture to indicate their mothers' trust as they
lean or their shoulders or chest. Charles Darwin pointed out that
animals, as well human, tilt their heads when some interests them.
Women tilt their heads to show that they are interested in a man.
A woman that is submissive and nonthreatening is attractive to most
men. Hence, women employ this gesture to encourage a man to keep
talking to them. If you are a public speaker, you should look forward
to this gesture among your audience. When you find your audience
tilting their heads and leaning forward, it is a sign that you are saying
the right things to them.
The Head Shrug
This involves raising the shoulders and pulling the head down
between them. This is a way of protecting the vulnerable throat from
danger. People often use this gesture when they hear a loud noise
behind them. In a personal or business context, it depicts a
submissive apology. It is not a gesture that displays confidence.
People use this gesture when they are speaking to someone superior
to them. It often displays trying to display that you are less
significant in the context of the discussion. It is a gesture that reflects
that there is a power-play between the people in that discussion.
Reading Glasses
The way a person uses an artificial aid reflects the person's
attitudinal disposition towards something or someone. It is common
to view people who wear glasses as intelligent. They seem to be more
calm and coolheaded than others who do not have "four eyes like
them." People wearing glasses have several gestures that display
their emotions. Below are some common ways people use their
lenses to display particular attitudes:
Peering-Over-the-Glasses
In movies, actors often use this gesture to reflect a critical attitude to
something or someone. If a teacher reading through the script of a
student displays this gesture, it is a sign of displeasure towards the
performance of the student. You have to be careful with the way you
go about this gesture. If you use this gesture, the person at the
receiving end will feel uncomfortable. He or she will feel judged, and
this may not be your intent.
The person at the receiving end may respond by folding his or her
arms or cross his or her legs. The person is doing this to prepare him
or herself for an argument. The person will feel that you are about to
pass critical judgment on him or her. Therefore, if you are wearing
glasses, endeavor to remove them when speaking to people. It is okay
to wear them when listening. Removing your glasses will help people
feel more comfortable while letting you have control of the
conversation.
Glasses-Arm-in-Mouth
This action is used to delay or stall a decision. It helps such a person
to buy more time before deciding something. This gesture is more
common after a person has been asked a question. Sometimes, the
person will take off the glasses and clean the lenses before wearing
them again. If you notice someone displaying this gesture after
asking a question, it is good to wait for the person to speak silently.
A skillful negotiator knows how to use this tactic to his advantage.
When the person puts the glasses on again in a negotiation, it shows
that the person wants to see the facts for himself again. However, if
the person folds the glasses and put them away, this is not a good
signal, it may mean that the person wants to end the conversation. If
the person throws the glasses on the table, a rejection is on its way.
Wearing Glasses on the Head
It is not advisable to wear dark sunglasses when you are in a
meeting. It appears suspicious and awkward. People often perceive
people who wear them on their heads as youthful and relaxed. The
reason is not farfetched. They make such people appear to have two
huge eyes with dilated pupils on their heads. This has an appearance
of the endearing effect that babies and cuddle toys have on people.
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Chapter Five
The 16 Types Of Personalities That
Exist And How To Treat Them
(Part 1)
Personality is the Latin word "persona" which means "mask." People
often wear masks to act in a certain way that is consistent with the
character of the cover they are putting on. Your personality refers to
a set of consistent attitudes and behaviors across various situations.
This implies that you can predict how a particular person with a
specific personality trait will react when facing a specific condition.
After years of postulations and reviews, Katharine Cook Briggs and
Isabel Briggs Myers were able to develop the Myers-Briggs Type
Indicator (MBTI). This is an introspective self-report instrument that
measures people's personalities based on the way they act and
perceive the world. According to Myers and Briggs, there are 16
distinctive personalities people possess. They are:
• The Composer - ISFP
• The Craftsman - ISTP
• The Provider - ESFJ
• The Idealist - INFP
• The Performer - ESFP
• The Champion - ENFP
• The Doer - ESTP
• The Supervisor - ISTJ
• The Commander - ENTJ
• The Thinker - INTP
• The Nurturer - ISFJ
• The Visionary - ENTP
• The Inspector - ISTJ
• The Counselor - INFJ
• The Mastermind - INTJ
• The Giver - ENFJ
Each of these personalities has specific traits that are unique to
them. You must understand the nature of a person to be able to
relate with him or her without stress. In this chapter, we will look at
the first six personalities in the order at which they have been listed
above. This will give you an edge when dealing with such people in
every facet of life.
The Composer – ISFP
People with this personality type are introverts, but it is not obvious.
This is because they may struggle to connect with people initially, but
they always find a way to win their hearts. They are often
approachable, warm, and friendly. They won't go all out to make
friends, but you will be glad to have them as friends. They are
spontaneous and fun to be with. They have a way of making the best
out of every activity regardless of whether it was planned or not.
Hence, most people like to tag along with them. They live life to the
fullest because they are not usually perturbed about the future. They
prefer to focus on the present and always on the lookout for new
experiences. They are adept at learning from their experiences. They
often derive more value in meeting other people that are not of the
same personality type as themselves.
Common traits of ISFPs
When you find people with the ISFP personality type, you will find
them expressing the following traits:
They are practical: They prefer facts and figures to ideas and
theories. If you want to get along well with an ISFP, you have to
avoid talking to him or her about your work. He or she prefers to see
facts and figures about something that is working and proven. They
are not carried away by fantasies.
They can adapt quickly: They are excellent planners and do not
appreciate uncertainties. However, they can adapt to different
situations when they need to. Hence, they prefer that you focus on
making the best out of the current situation rather than nag about
the past.
They are disciplined but don't look it: They can maintain a
high level of discipline. However, you will not be able to spot it
immediately. Their tendency to be spontaneous often makes people
think that they have no regard for routines. Hence, such people
appreciate it when you are creative but will not take it lightly with
you when you are not disciplined.
They crave adventures: They see experiencing new things as a
core way of learning. Hence, they are always excited when they have
the opportunity to explore something new. They will be impressed
when you appear to be someone who likes to explore new
opportunities.
They are considerate: People often like being around them
because they are caring. They don't like hurting the feelings of others
and don't want to experience the same. They will rate you highly
when you are a diplomatic person who compromises to make others
happy.
They don't like restrictions: ISFPs do not have an aversion
towards discipline, but they hate to be "caged." They want to be in a
working environment where their creativity can be maximized.
They get bored with routines: They don't like it when they have
to keep doing the same things all over again. They prefer innovative
means of doing things. They want people who come up with new
ways to improve the things they do. If an ISFP is your boss, you will
win his or her heart when you can think outside of the box.
The Craftsman – ISTP
People often find it challenging to understand ISTPs because they
have mastery over both spontaneity and rationality. They are usually
energetic and enthusiastic but will never disregard logic. They have
impressive observational skills about the world around them.
However, they often present their insightful observations
humorously.
It is quite difficult to recognize people with this personality type.
They are good at hiding their traits from people when they want to.
They are often successful in their endeavors but can be very
unpredictable. To their credit, they are often generous and full of
optimism. They are usually highly motivated individuals who will do
all they can to succeed. They often have excellent technical skills and
can adapt to changing situations.
Common Traits of ISTPs
Even though ISTPs can be unpredictable and mysterious, they have
distinct traits. Here are some of them:
They are researchers: They have a knack for gathering
information about their environment even when it is not useful
immediately. They are often successful researchers because of their
ability to pay attention to details. Hence, they will like to be your
friend when they notice that you are meticulous in your approach to
things.
They are risk-takers: Although ISTPs are calculative in their
approach, they are never afraid to take risks. They see opportunities
in unchartered territories. If he or she is your spouse, he or she will
encourage you to follow your gut feeling and go all out to achieve
your dream.
They are result-oriented: They don't appreciate mediocrity. If an
ISTP is your boss, he will demand a lot from you. He will ensure that
you are always on your toes. You will not be able to get along well
with him if you are not ready to work hard to meet organizational
goals.
They are fantastic at solving problems: ISTPs are never afraid
of challenges. They are optimistic and believe that every issue has a
solution. They are meticulous enough to get the job done most times.
You won't be in their good books if you are quick to give excuses for
why something is not working.
They are easy-going: People with this personality type are known
for being nonthreatening. They are enthusiastic but do not
appreciate people they perceive to be too lousy.
Independent: They are often lone rangers. They appreciate the
support of others, but they have trained themselves to be
independent. They act as if no one will lend a helping hand. Hence,
they will not like you if they feel that you have a soft underbelly.
They are focused on the present: ISTPs like to take things one
step at a time. They want to solve one problem at a time. They don't
like it when people are anxious about the future. They believe that
they will have enough in the tank to survive future challenges.
Hence, they give their all to the present issues.
The Provider – ESFJ
ESFJs are typical extroverts. They are outgoing and love to be the
heartbeat of social events. They like meeting new people and find it
easy to make new friends. They know how to make people happy,
and that makes people want to come around them. They are usually
popular and are superb at being cheerleaders, especially in high
school and college.
They derive energy and satisfaction from being in the spotlight. They
are excellent when it comes to organizing social events for their
friends, families, and communities. This personality type is
widespread, and people often like them a lot. Their sense of humor is
spot-on, and they have a knack for cracking jokes.
Common Traits of ESFJs
It is not difficult to recognize someone with an ESFJ personality
type. They often display the following personality traits:
They are outgoing: ESFJs will struggle with Composers initially,
but they will get along well eventually. A Provider will admire the
tendency of Composers to want to experience new things. However,
they may find it difficult to tag along with ISTPs. The meticulous
nature of ISTPs may be perceived as boring by ESFJs. ESFJs love
attending social events.
They are energetic: ESFJs have boundless energy. Their
enthusiasm is often contagious. Social events are not the same when
they are not there. You will find them useful as friends when you
need to organize social events. If you have a child with this
personality trait, guide him or her but don't suppress it.
They are compassionate: People with this personality type are
empathetic. They like to listen to people are willing to help them in
any way that they can. This attribute further endears them to many
people. You can count on them to give you a listening ear when you
need them.
They struggle to adapt to new situations: ESFJs like to be
where their strength will be maximized. They often struggle to cope
when they have to handle things that do not allow them to use their
boundless energy. They are not good at following routines.
They are practical: People with the ESFJ personality type prefer
to live in the real world. They don't appreciate fantasies and
imaginations. They will rate you highly when you let them do things
they can relate with. They don't like having to be analytical about
situations.
The Idealist – INFP
Just like the composer, the idealist is also an introvert. They are
reserved and quiet and are not keen about talking to strangers.
INFPs don't like to say much about themselves when meeting a
person for the first time. They place a premium on their privacy and
enjoy the company of themselves. They value quiet places where they
can be alone and think.
People with this personality type are adept at analyzing signs and
symbols. They can often see beyond the surface meaning of things.
They imagine a lot and are usually found daydreaming. They are
deep thinkers and often excel as detectives, scientists, and
philosophers.
Common Traits of INFPs
INFPs are introverts, and they have some peculiar traits. Below are
some of them:
They are excellent mediators: INFPs often excel as counselors
and mediators. They try as much as possible to avoid conflicts and
will do all they can to allay them. They are terrific assets for families
and groups. They help maintain the harmony of families and groups
to keep the dynamics intact.
They see many reasons to be grateful: INFPs do no rate people
who like to grumble about their lives significantly. Their deep
thinking enables them to see reasons to be thankful in life. They
don't deny the presence of challenges, but they see life as a gift that
should be enjoyed.
They are quick to adapt to changes: People with this
personality trait understand that life is full of uncertainty, and they
embrace that fact. Hence, when things change, they are mentally
prepared and can cope. They are not usually affected by sudden
changes. They move on quickly and are always looking for the way
forward rather than complain.
They love to be around people: Even though INFPs don't make
friends quickly, they love to be around people. They are selective
with their friends but love to be in the company of the few ones they
have. They are warm and compassionate. You can count on their
loyalty during turbulent periods.
They love to make positive contributions: INFPs believes that
the world can be a better place when everyone contributes to their
quota. Hence, they like to be at the forefront of charity and volunteer
programs. They are not superficial and do not want to do things just
for the sake of personal gain.
They can be control freaks: People with the INFP personality
type hates to see people get hurt. Hence, they can be control freaks
because they don't want things to go overboard. If such a person is
your father, he will likely want to interfere in your career choice and
marital choice. You have to be patient with him and understand it
because he simply does not want you to get hurt.
The Performer – ESFP
ESFPs have excellent interpersonal skills that enable them to have a
great rapport with many people. They know how to make friends,
and their camaraderie with multiple people is often impressive. They
are born to be in the spotlight, and they embrace it. They are often
fantastic entertainers who know how to get the crowd going. They
often excel as stand-up comedians and music stars.
They make good politicians because of their ability to sway the crowd
to their side. They are warm, friendly, compassionate, and generous.
They are unusually live and are often the center of attention
wherever they go. They have a genuine concern for the welfare of
people, which often endears them to many people.
Common Traits of ESFPs
ESFPs are amazing individuals. They know how to "cast a spell" on
people with their spontaneity and enthusiasm. Below are some of
their common traits:
They are flexible: ESFPs don't like to be boxed into any routine.
They are excellent with arrangements that allow them to be
spontaneous and flexible. They are not suitable for professions such
as military or science where there are laid down rules that have to be
adhered to strictly:
They are highly sociable: Performers have a natural inclination
for social gatherings. They will find you annoying if you prefer to stay
indoors. If she is a lady you want to impress, you have to learn to be
able to cope with being with many people. If he is your friend, he will
ensure that you have many friends because he will introduce you to
his friends.
They love to have fun: ESFPs love to have fun. They have to be
curbed to prevent them from being superficial. They tend to want to
make a joke about something serious. You have to learn to be stern
with them when necessary without quenching their high spirit.
They have a genuine concern for others: Despite their
tendency to joke a lot, they retain a real concern for the welfare of
others. They are always ready to help people when they realize the
severity of the situation. However, convincing them that the
condition is severe can be difficult.
They are talented entertainers: People with this personality
type know how to put a smile on people's faces with words and
deeds. People often find them funny. If you have a Performer as your
boss, you will always look forward to seeing him at work. They don't
accept mediocrity and poor performance but know how to get the
best out of the people under them.
The Champion - ENFP
Champions are extraverts who are highly individualistic. They are
intuitive and sensitive. They have a knack of doing things their way,
which makes them difficult followers. They are quite stubborn and
are confident in their ability to get the job done their way. They don't
like routines and hate to be forced to do things in a particular way.
ENFPs like to be around people, but they often want others to listen
to them more than they do. They are analytical and logical. However,
they are only satisfied when their analysis results in them getting
things done the way they want.
Common Traits of ENFPs
ENFPs have traits that make them unique. Here they are:
They prefer long-term goals to short-term goals: If you have
an ENFP as your boss, you will endear yourself by thinking longterm. They don't like doing things that will not have long-term
dividends. They will see you as myopic when you propose short-term
solutions.
They are compassionate: ENFPs are opinionated, but they have a
genuine concern for others. They don't like it when you interfere in
their plans, but they don't want to get hurt. An ENFP is that parent
who wants you to succeed but wants you to go about it his or her own
way.
They detest being under control: If an ENFP is your daughter,
you have a lot to do. She will not want to be told what to do most of
the time. The best way to handle them is to let them know that their
opinions matter while being firm with them.
They usually find it easy to understand complicated
theories and concepts: ENFPs are opinionated because they often
feel that they are more intelligent than others. Their ability to
understand complicated concepts with relative ease often makes
them think they are ahead of others.
They have excellent interpersonal relationships: Despite
being prima donnas, ENFPs have excellent interpersonal relations.
They know when to succumb to others to get what they want.
Chapter Six
The 16 Types Of Personalities That
Exist And How To Treat Them
(Part 2)
In this chapter, we will look at five more personality types. Each of
these personality types has peculiar features that make them
different from the rest. The five personality types that will be
explored in this chapter are the ESTP, ISTJ, ENTJ, INTP, and ISFJ
personality types—understanding the traits of these personality types
will enable you to understand what to expect from them and how to
deal with them.
The Doer – ESTP
ESTPs are extraverts with a thinking, perceptive, and sensing
personality. They are controlled by the desire to interact socially.
They have emotional, logical, reasoning, and freedom need. They
don't enjoy discussing abstracts and theories for long. They are never
afraid of making mistakes are extreme risk-takers. They don't like to
make long-term plans but rather fix things as they go.
They find it difficult to cope with organized settings such as schools
and work environments because of their spontaneity. They don't
struggle with such situations because they are not intelligent, instead
because they are not comfortable with highly regulated and highly
structured environments.
Common Traits of ESTPs
Doers often exhibit the following traits:
They have an energetic flair for drama and style: ESTPs are
often dramatic or a norm. Hence, they excel when thrown at the deep
end of a tragedy. They appreciate creativity and innovation. They like
to do everyday things unconventionally. They want to be a part of
new movements and trendy ideas. They find it seamless to be the
spearhead of groundbreaking achievements. They will find you
attractive if you are conversant with popular trends around the
world.
Passion and enthusiasm: ESTPs are not many in society. Hence,
there are enough of them to keep things interesting without
disrupting the order of life and culture. They find it difficult to
submit to a structure, but they can realize the necessity of a system
under the right tutelage. As a parent, if you have an ESTP as a child,
you should not be forceful with him or her. You have to let him or her
understand why there are rules and regulations in families and
society. He or she can assume that you don't love him or her when he
or she does not understand why you are stern about it.
They appreciate the finest things of life: People with this
personality type are fast-moving and fast-talking. They like exciting
things and are often fashion enthusiasts. You have to be careful not
to feel intimidated by their dress sense. They can invest a lot of
money on clothes and jewelry. They don't like to be inconvenienced
and love to catch fun a lot.
They have excellent people skills: ESTPs enjoy the company of
others and know how to make people comfortable when they come
around them. They often appear as someone you can confide in.
Doers value relationships and have a way of making people go
around them.
They can perceive people's motivation and attitude: People
with this personality type have an uncanny ability to notice others'
attitudinal disposition. As salesmen, they know when people are no
longer interested in what they are offering them. It is difficult to
convince them that you are interested in a conversation when you are
not.
They like to get immediate results: ESTPs often prefer instant
gratification to long-term achievement. They frequently prefer what
they can get from something at the moment rather than wait for
future benefits. Convincing them to commit their resources to a
project that will not earn them instant results can be difficult.
They work hard and play hard: ESTPs are not difficult to spot
because of their positive vibes. They are highly spirited, and their
enthusiasm is contagious. They like being engaged and are often
found doing extracurricular activities in school. They enjoy
volunteering but often to earn recognition.
The Supervisor – ESTJ
Supervisors are honest, organized, dedicated, and traditional. They
are staunch adherent to structures and routines. They are firm
believers in doing what is right and acceptable in society. They are
good citizens who will commit themselves and resources to the
general good of all. They are okay with walking the lonely path of
being a good guy.
They are extraverts who are charismatic that often provide
leadership for others. They talk a lot but not for the fun of it. They
talk to convince people about what they believe in and not to
entertain them. They are vocal and confrontational but respect the
opinion of others. People often look to them for guidance, and they
are happy to do it. They find happiness in being a source of
inspiration to the people they have around them.
Common Traits of ESTJs
ESTJs are born leaders who know how to inspire and motivate
others. Other common attributes of ESTJs include:
They are organized: If you are rowdy, loud, and clumsy, you will
have issues with an ESTJ. If an ESTJ is your parent, he or she will
ensure that everything in the home is in their proper place. You will
not find it easy with him or her if you have a culture of misplacing
things. You will always be in their good books when you are
organized.
They are fantastic strategists: ESTJs know how to make good
plans and will stick with them as much as possible. They use
checklists and like to stick with schedules. They value time and feel
aggrieved when they find that someone or something is wasting their
time. They believe in preparing ahead of time for situations. They are
realists
who
anticipate
various
possibilities
and
develop
countermeasures ahead of time.
They don't have many friends: People appreciate ESTJs because
of their calm demeanor and loyalty. However, people often consider
them as arrogant and stubborn. They can be committed to a cause to
a fault. Hence, people often feel that they are not flexible enough.
Thus, they end up not having many friends. Besides, they are very
selective about the people they call friends. They don't like being
around people that do not have the same worldview as them.
They are loyalists: ESTJs are good friends, colleagues, and
followers. They don't betray the trust of the people around them.
When they believe in a cause, they go all out for it. They are the kind
of people you want to have in your team. You can count on their
unalloyed commitment and loyalty any day. They don't shift grounds
comfortably unless facts and figures convince them.
They are not comfortable with uncertainties: ESTJs don't like
to take risks. They prefer to do things that have been tested and
proven. They stick to principles they believe will work. You will find
it hard to convince them to invest in a new opportunity. They have to
be very sure that something will work out before they commit to it.
They will critically scrutinize the pros and cons of any offer before
they can accept it. They prefer to hold on to the bird at hand rather
than seek the ones in the forest.
The Commander – ENTJ
People with the ENTJ personality type pride themselves in being
logical and rational: they use their intuition, but they consider it as a
last resort. Commanders are born leaders, and they like to be in
charge. They believe in their ability to inspire and lead others, and
people find it easy to see this trait in them. They see possibilities
everywhere and don't like taking "No" as an answer.
They see challenges and obstacles as opportunities to obtain good
results further. Critics and tough times never deter them. They have
a knack for making the right decisions. Hence, people find it easy to
trust them with leadership positions. They often find a way to come
up with solutions to problems quickly but carefully.
Common Traits of ENTJs
ENTJs are interesting people with good leadership qualities. They
have the following attributes that make them different from other
people:
Confrontational: ENTJs can be confrontational in their approach.
They are not afraid to let you know when they are not happy with
you. They prefer to let you know what they think so that you will not
assume the way they rate you. This makes them intimidating and
forceful towards others. They don't like being pushed around and
will rebel when they are not happy with the way things are done.
Perfectionist: If an ENTJ is your boss, it can be overbearing. They
are often perfectionists who want their instructions carried out to the
letter. They are excellent motivators who will push you to give your
best all the time to their credit. However, they don't accept
mediocrity, and you will not find it funny with them when you
produce below their expectations.
Focused and project-oriented: Commanders are impressively
focused. They have an uncanny ability to recognize distractions and
stay clear of them. They like setting goals that have to be met within
a timeframe. This makes them fantastic leaders. They know how to
galvanize others to focus on the take at hand. They are goal-getters
who will stop at nothing to achieve their objectives.
Well-developed communication skills: They are excellent
orators. They are charismatic leaders who know how to say the right
things at the right time to inspire others. Their communication skills
are impressive, and people like listening to them. They are good with
words and enjoy speaking to people publicly.
High self-confidence: Their self-confidence often borders on
arrogance. ENTJs don't delve into anything until they are sure that
they can succeed in that task. Hence, they habitually rate themselves
so highly that it offends some people. They exude confidence, and
people around them draw from their self-confidence.
High self-efficacy: ENTJs often speak highly of their chances of
success in any given task. They have a vital positive energy that often
rubs off on others. They see possibilities in everything they do. They
are not discouraged even when others have failed in the same task
before. They enjoy taking on problems and solving them.
Great planners: People with this personality type are not afraid of
challenges. However, they are not avid risk-takers. They go all out
only after weighing their options. If they feel that they don't have
enough weapons in their arsenal to surmount an obstacle, they will
back off. They plan ahead and often execute their plans with surgical
precision. Hence, people often allow them to take the lead when it
comes to strategizing and analyzing what to do next. They are
invaluable assets in team works. They are adept at giving everyone in
the group their specific tasks to achieve the group objective.
The Thinker – INTP
Thinkers are arguably the most logical of all the personality types.
They are adept at coming up with brilliant theories that are logical
and appealing to cerebral. They are relentless and have an affinity for
patterns. They can effortlessly detect when there is a discrepancy.
They find it easy to analyze the actions of others. Hence, it is difficult
to deceive them.
They often feel bored when they have to go through daily routines.
They drive in environments where their creativity is appreciated.
They can look weird when they have to deal with a particular pattern
but are geniuses when tasked with doing the unusual. They are adept
at creating unbiased and insightful solutions to problems.
Common Traits of INTPs
INTPs are geniuses who are often appreciated for their innovations
and creativity. Here are some of their common traits:
Unconventional: An INTP is not someone you meet every day.
They are often "statistically" abnormal. Their method of going about
things is usually different from traditional approaches. They are
always looking for better ways to do whatever they have been told to
do. You may find it challenging to cope with them as a boss who likes
things to be done your way. Hence, it is better to let them handle
situations that are not sensitive.
Temperamental and restless: INTPs can be moody, especially
when they feel that you are trying to suppress their creativity. You
can expect their resignation letter if your organization does not give
employees the room to express their creativity. They are also often
restless because they are always in search of something new. Their
curiosity is incredible but can land them into trouble sometimes.
Fantastic analysts: They know how, when, and who to ask the
right questions. They often absorb valuable lessons because of their
curiosity. They are great analysts who are excellent at drawing
inferences from their observations. They can make insightful
observations. They are objectively critical, and that makes people
often avoid arguing with them.
Independent: Their experience and knowledge make them selfreliant. They have found ways to solve many problems on their own.
Hence, while they value the contribution of others, they are okay
with being alone. They depend on their ability and effort more than
what others can offer them. Learn to respect their privacy while
trying to help them as much as you can.
Intelligent and knowledgeable: They live in a world of
theoretical possibilities. They like to be at the forefront of scientific
breakthroughs. They are excited to carry out researches that will lead
to new opportunities. They have to be supported by environments
that allow them to work without distractions. INTPs have to be given
the freedom to express their eccentricity in a low-risk environment.
This will enable them to achieve the remarkable things they are
always capable of making.
Inadequate at meeting the emotional needs of others: INTPs
are not fantastic when it comes to meeting the emotional needs of
others. They respect the beliefs of others but are more logical than
emotional. They don't have values for decisions that are made based
on feelings. Hence, they don't usually connect with others
emotionally. This attribute makes people find them weird and
unusual.
Laid-back and easy-going: To their credit, INTPs are very
tolerant. They don't like to be in charge of people. They believe in
their own opinion but think that everyone is entitled to their opinion.
They embrace diversity in beliefs and cultures. They don't have any
rigid stance and will shift ground when persuaded in the light of facts
and figures.
The Nurturer – ISFJ
ISFJs have a high sense of duty. They are introverts but don't have
issues with making friends. They are philanthropists who find
happiness in giving generously to others. When people do good to
them, they do all they can to outdo the person by giving more to the
person in return. When they believe in something, they commit to it
with the whole of their heart.
They like to help people for the sake of it. They place a premium on
cooperation and harmony and are sensitive to the feelings of others.
People often like them because of their awareness and tolerance.
They find happiness in nurturing others to get the best out of them.
Common Traits of ISFJs
Everyone wants to have an ISFJ as a friend. They have the following
traits:
Selfless: ISFJs are not self-centered. They can count on them to
plant trees under whose shade they will never sit. People often take
advantage of them, but it does not matter to them. They are
sacrificial in a way that looks silly to some people. However, ISFJs
only find happiness and have a sense of purpose by making others
happy. They don't struggle to commit their resources to causes that
do not benefit them directly or indirectly.
Amazingly accurate: They have keen observational skills that
enable them to make reasonable deductions. They don't often talk
because they want to be sure before they say anything. Hence, they
are usually careful when they speak. Accordingly, people often listen
to them because they have proven repeatedly that their words can be
trusted. They are rarely wrong, and this can be frustrating for their
detractors.
Considerate: People often like to be around ISFJs because they are
usually very thoughtful. They like to treat people the way they want
to be treated. They are empathetic and often put themselves in the
shoes of others. Hence, they often offer quality friendship because of
their support during stressful periods.
Humble: ISFJs have a down-to-earth attitude that attracts them to
others. This attitude does not change regardless of their social or
financial status. They maintain modest spending and lifestyle even
when they are billionaires. They don't purchase things just because
they can afford it but because it will benefit them and others.
Practical: People with the ISFJ personality type dislikes theories
and abstract thought. They prefer to handle things that they can
relate to. They prefer practical experiences to methods. They will find
you annoying and weird when you talk to them about ideas and
opinions without practical application.
Uncomfortable with conflict: They are the heartbeat of most
families and associations. They are adept at smoothing relationships.
They don't like it when people are not in tune with themselves and
will do their best to restore broken relationships. They value
harmony and peaceful coexistence, and they don't believe that any
connection is broken beyond repair. They don't mind apologizing
first even when they are in the right. They often effortlessly keep
strong links.
Focused: You can count on ISFJs to finish whatever they have
started. They have a fantastic ability to focus on the work at hand.
They find satisfaction in completing a task. They can recognize
distractions and avoid them. When they lose focus, they often
recover quickly and refocus. You will find them useful if you are in a
team that needs to achieve a long-term goal. They keep their focus
until they are done with the task.
Chapter Seven
The 16 Types Of Personalities That
Exist And How To Treat Them
(Part 3)
In this chapter, we will explore the remaining five personality types.
Just like the previous ones, we will explore the peculiar traits that are
associated with these personality types.
The Visionary – ENTP
ENTPs are quite unusual, and they are infrequent to find. They are
extroverts, but they don't talk unless they feel it is worth it. They only
enjoy discussing with people that share the same interest as them.
Hence, they don't usually thrive in social situations. They are
generally very knowledgeable and intelligent. Thus, they are at home
by discussing theories and abstract ideas.
They thrive on being continuously stimulated mentally. They are
rational, logical, and objective when discussing or approaching
arguments. They are in their best whenever they have the
opportunity to engage in intellectual discussions. They can be
confrontational and critical because they like to question everything.
They don't appeal to emotions and will dismiss any argument that
does not agree with the logic.
Common Traits of ENTP
ENTPs like to be around people, but they are not exactly people's
people. Below are some of their common traits:
They are creative, charming, and smart: People like coming
around ENTPs, but they may not be able to stay with them in the
long run. Their combination of smartness and charm makes them
irresistible. However, they end up pissing many people off because
they prefer discussing theories and abstract ideas. When given the
freedom to express themselves, their creativity is unparalleled, and
that further wins them many admirers.
They place a premium on freedom: ENTPs like to be given the
leeway to do what they want the way they want. They are resistant to
structures but will rebel when they perceive that the structure is too
rigid. They need the freedom to showcase their creativity. Hence, the
home, school, and work environment must be structured to give
them the room to do what they know how to do best.
They have good interpersonal skills: They see themselves as
friendly and often strive to be affable. However, they tend to feel that
they are better than others because of their intelligence and
knowledge. Hence, they make many friends but don't keep most of
them. Only people who are like them will find it easy to cope with
them.
Excellent problem-solvers: ENTPs have excellent problemsolving skills. However, they often have issues with authorities
because they don't solve problems in conventional ways. They are
creative and insightful enough to discover the questions and how
they can solve them. Hence, they are often the go-to guys whenever
there is a need to solve problems. They enjoy doing it, and people
appreciate them for it.
They don't like to be controlled: ENTPs hate to feel "choked."
They are not interested in being leaders because they don't like to
control people. However, the downside is that they also don't want
others to manage them. They can be divisive figures in a group
setting because flouting rules is a norm for them. They will only obey
the laws they feel is in their best interest. They can be challenging to
handle if they are your kids. However, with patience, firmness,
correction, and love, they will come good eventually.
They like to create ideas and theories: People with this
personality type find happiness in generating ideas and approaches.
The most significant moments of their lives are those moments when
they come up with groundbreaking theories.
They are intelligent and competent: ENTPs often succeed in
most tasks they are committed to because they often have the
intelligence and competence required. They are great learners;
hence, they go all out to learn to solve them whenever they have
challenges.
The Inspector – ISTJ
It is not difficult to identify inspectors. They are intimidating, formal,
and severe. They are adherent to old-school values such as patience,
honor, hard work, and social responsibility. They are upright, quiet,
calm, and reserved. They are brilliant individuals who are known for
being rational and logical.
People often seek counsel from them because they appear to be wise.
They never compromise on truth and facts. They have excellent
memories because of their affinity for events. They are analytical and
depend heavily on circumstances to prove their points. They are
exceptionally loyal and have a high sense of responsibility. Their
patience and ability to focus makes them ideal professionals.
Common Traits of ISTJs
ISTJs are known for exhibiting the following traits:
Organized and traditional: ISTJs are strict when their belief in
traditions and laws. They are convinced that society will be in
disarray without structures and cultures. Hence, they practice and
teach the traditions of their community. They are not resistant to
modern trends but not when they negate laid down principles.
Confident: ISTJs are often serious-minded. However, they know
how to demonstrate their unique sense of humor when they need to.
They can be lively, especially when they are with family members
and close friends. They are confident in their ability to make the right
decisions and are often selective in their association.
High sense of responsibility: ISTJs have a strong sense of duty.
They take whatever has been committed to their trust with a high
sense of responsibility. They are committed and dedicated to the
mission. You can count on them to meet their targets when they are
your employees. However, you won't find it easy with them is you are
not industrious when they are your boss. They are exemplary in their
conduct and expect you to follow suit.
Exceptional loyalists: ISTJs place premium on loyalty and
faithfulness. They are family-minded and will invest their time to
keep their family intact. They are good friends, and your secrets are
safe with them. They are non-confrontational and don't have issues
with upholding the traditions of their society. They are the kind of
people you will like to have in your team. They are ideal employees
that are seen as role models.
Serious and committed in relationships: It often takes time
before ISTJs get committed to romantic relationships. Their high
sense of morality makes them very selective. However, they are
usually okay with waiting until they find the right person. When they
find the right person, they commit to the relationship and give it
their best. They are not fond of cheating on their partner, and they
are usually excellent homemakers.
Well-respected in the community: ISTJs are seen as wise
people who can offer competent counsel. Hence, they are often wellrespected in society. They are fond of contributing to the progress of
the community. Therefore, they are seen as model citizens whose
good deeds are worthy of emulation. They are often national heroes
who set good examples for others to follow. They are often
embodiments of patriotism and loyalty to one's country.
Excellent planning skills: ISTJs are valuable planners. They love
to create strategies that can help them prevail when facing
challenges. Hence, people often trust them to come up with
strategies in groups and organizations. They are not concerned about
being leaders, but they lead strategically. Leaders often believe them
to come up with plans that can effectively achieve the goals of the
group or organization. They are at home with making both shortterm and long-term plans effectively.
The Counselor – INFJ
An INFJ is an idealist and visionary who display trademark
creativity. They are epitomes of brilliance and creative imagination.
Besides, they have a spectacular and profound way of looking at the
world. They never take things at the surface and often display
excellent insight into issues. Their different outlook of like makes
them look weird for some people.
They are sophisticated but caring and gentle. INFJs are highly
intuitive individuals who excel in artistic and creative activities: they
live in a world where things don't appear in their pure form. Hence,
they consistently look for the hidden meaning of signs and symbols.
They see endless possibilities and opportunities in life. They have a
strange way of understanding things they were not taught.
Common Traits of INFJs
This personality type is one of the most complicated. INFJs have the
following attributes:
Intuitive: INFJs depend a lot on their gut feeling. They are avid
risk-takers who make choices that do not look rational to others.
However, they have experiences of succeeding through this method.
Hence, they are often resolute to go for what they believe will work
for them. This approach usually makes them look strange to the
people around them. They think there are possibilities everywhere
and are willing to take advantage of them.
Secretive: INFJs can be difficult to understand because they often
keep their cards close to their chest. They see life as full of signs and
symbols that can only be understood by those who are willing to dig
deep. Hence, they are often mystics who marvel at people with their
knowledge of mysteries. They don't have many friends partly because
they are reserved. However, people are wary of them because they
don't understand them. Hence, they don't like getting close to them.
They often find it difficult to trust people. They bid their time before
deciding to tell you private information.
Sensitive: People with the INFJ personality type are sensitive
towards the feelings of others. They don't like to get hurt and don't
want to hurt anyone too. Hence, they are often conscientious about
the way to talk and act towards others. They like to lend a helping
hand to people because they are full of compassion and empathy.
They are excellent at reading people and sensing their emotions.
Hence, they often know when people are distressed and are equipped
to help them get through emotional troubles. Thus, they often excel
as counselors.
Planner and strategist: The planning ability of INFJs makes
them weird because they are super intuitive. They are not afraid to
jump into the deep end, but they are calculative in their approach.
They are often excellent strategists because of their creativity and
ability to see what others are not seeing. They have excellent
observational skills that they put into good use when making plans.
They can predict the sequence of situations to a terrific extent.
Hence, they can anticipate situations before they occur and are often
prepared to cope with uncertainties.
Firm: INFJs are principled and often drive pride from being
obedient citizens and employees. They like to stay off trouble by
abiding the rules and regulations. Hence, when they are your boss,
they expect the same from you. They are firm and resolute, which
some often term as stubbornness. They can be unyielding once they
are persuaded about something. It is always better to have them in
your favor rather than against you. When they support you, you have
a stalwart loyalist. However, when they are against you, you have a
critic that will not be persuaded soon. They can be temperamental
when their beliefs and principles are questioned.
Insightful: INFJs possess the kind of depth that many other
personality types don't own. They see life in a way that is different
from the way most people see things. However, they are insightful in
an impressive way. They often take their time to study situations
before making comments about them. However, their strength is the
intuition that enables them to know things they were not taught.
They are often accurate, and that makes them formidable
adversaries. They often prevail in debates not because of superior
intelligence but because of their highly-developed intuition.
Analytical: INFJs like it when they have to scrutinize and analyze
anything. However, they are at their best when analyzing something
they find fascinating. Their forte is signs and symbols many people
don't find interesting. They like to show people that there is more to
what they see at the surface level. However, they can be annoyingly
superstitious. Their tendency to read hidden meanings to things
often makes them be at loggerheads with people around them who
do not subscribe to their worldview. Hence, they are selective and
want to be sure that they discuss with people who will value what
they are saying.
The Mastermind – INTJ
INTJs are called "The Masterminds" because of their rich inner
world. They are typical stereotypes who are reserved, quiet, and okay
with being alone. They are independent and don't like to work with
others in a group. They don't like going out and attending social
events. They also don't derive fun from meeting new people. They
often find extroverts too lousy for them.
INTJs are typically intelligent and knowledgeable. However, they
often find something wrong with the way the world is. They often
question why things are done the way they are and are often driven
to come up with theories about the ideal world. They are often
excellent philosophers and scientists. They are excellent at devising
plans and hate it when they have to deal with uncertainties.
Common Traits of INTJs
INTJs derive their strength from enjoying their own company. They
are not difficult to identify because of the following traits:
They are ambitious: INTJs are self-confident, deliberate, and
determined. They are goal-getters who love to set long-term goals.
They never settle for less and believe that they can achieve whatever
they set their heart to accomplish. They are often dedicated,
committed, and focused. They often look for challenges people are
facing and see themselves as solution-providers. Some of them find
the business world appealing enough to delve into. However, their
ideal career choices are often engineering and science in general.
They can be rebellious: INTJs make good leaders but may be
problematic to handle as followers. They will rebel if they feel that
the leader's ambition does not match their own. They can become
divisive figures, and that is one of the reasons they are not good
group members. They often find fault with the way things are done
quickly and like to walk their path. It regularly takes a lot of patience,
diplomacy, and firmness to handle them.
Intelligent and intuitive: INTJs are often cerebral. They generally
have advance knowledge about things and ooze intelligence. They
can often see the big picture and map out the right strategies to
achieve their goals. They are practical but are excellent with their use
of their intuition. They are usually the go-to-guys when it comes to
theories and complex concepts. They are smart both in their
approach to things and the way they speak.
Knowledgeable
and
competent:
INTJs
are
excellent
researchers. They read a lot and derive happiness from learning new
things. Hence, they are often experts in whatever they do. They know
how to maximize their strengths and stay clear of things they are not
good at doing. Hence, they often display competence when called
upon to do anything. Their knowledge base is often impressive, and
they like to carry themselves with an aura of confidence. They are
usually confident individuals who are often in control of situations.
Capable of understanding complex theoretical materials:
INTJs often find complex theoretical elements fascinating. They
dream of authoring such books someday too. Hence, they are eager
to read books that many people find tiring. They are not usually
interested in reading romantic novels but science fiction. They like to
brag about their reading culture because they believe that books
contain critical information they need to change the world. They love
reading about discoveries because they want to discover new things
too.
Resilient: INTJs are not known for giving up easily. They don't
usually make costly mistakes because of their knack for preparing
well beforehand. However, when they make mistakes, they often
come back stronger. They are often great examples of how to make
comebacks after setbacks. They pick themselves up quickly and start
all over again whenever things didn't go their way. They are
formidable characters who are battle-ready to combat any challenges
that come their way.
Consistent performers: INTJs don't talk a lot but work a lot.
They rely on their performance to do the talking. Hence, they do all
they can to stay at the top. They are known for consistently excellent
performances. They are highly competitive and relentless in their bid
to be the best that they can be. They hate to be associated with
mediocrity. Hence, they don't leave any stone unturned to ensure
that they achieve their goals. In companies, they are often awarded
as best employees. Their passion and commitment to their work are
contagious and remarkable.
Values
close
relationships:
Masterminds
often
find
it
troublesome to handle anything that does not require them to apply
logic. They struggle with interpersonal relationships, especially in the
early stages of their lives. However, they have value for close
relationships. They can be ruthless with the way they use their words
and uncomfortably brutal. However, they don't want their loved ones
to get hurt. They end up learning from their mistakes to keep their
friends. However, they don't fancy having many friends. They want
to be beloved for their performance and not because they are social.
Ruthless strategists: INTJs are ruthless in many ways, and
planning is one of them. They are fantastic analysts who know how
to implement ideas and theories in practical terms. They often
challenge the norm and come up with new procedures for doing
things. They are impartial but efficient when it comes to making
decisions. They are adept at making plans to achieve both short-term
and long-term goals. They rely on their heads more than their hearts
and like to deal with things as they appear.
The Giver - ENFJ
The last personality type to be explored is ENFJ. ENFJs are
stereotypic extroverts that are wired to enjoy the company of others.
They are amicable and diplomatic in their approach. They don't like
to step on the toes of others, and that makes them often have many
friends. They have an unusual ability to connect with people
regardless of their personality and background.
They rely more on their intuition and feelings rather than being
logical. They are charismatic, idealistic, ethical, principled, and
outspoken. They tend to live more in the world of their imagination
rather than the real world. They are often futuristic and don't live in
the moment. They fascinate about abstract ideas but get along well
with people who don't share their worldview.
Common Traits of ENFJs
ENFJs are the friends of everyone. They are unique individuals
because of the following traits:
Charismatic: ENFJs often have the battle of finding the true
meaning of life on their hands all through their lives. They are okay
with getting material possessions, but they see it as secondary. They
see giving to others as more important than amassing wealth. Hence,
they are often great politicians and philanthropists. Adding value to
the lives of others is the sole aim of their lives. They are often
charismatic speakers and leaders. They are often at the forefront of
fighting causes that will improve humanity.
They like to find a balance: ENFJs enjoy being with others but
also enjoy being alone. They believe that it is vital to find a balance
between being alone and spending time with others. They like to
spend time alone to reflect on their actions and how they are going
about things. They are often their own worst critic and can easily
slide into depression. They will feel bad if they think that they are not
spending enough time alone. They will also become overwhelmed if
they feel that they are spending too much time with others.
Seeks the approval of others: ENFJs are amiable and like to
appeal to the emotions of others. They care so much about what
others think of them. They want to know that people think highly of
them. Hence, they often do things that will make others happy, even
at their detriment. They often develop low self-esteem because they
are okay with people trampling on their rights. You have to watch
over them as friends and parents to help them trust in their abilities
even when no one rates them highly.
Warm and caring: ENFJs make many friends because they are
friendly towards people from the onset. They can self-disclose
strangers and tend to earn the trust of people quickly. Besides, they
are caring and selfless. They like to share their time and resources
with people. They often volunteer to do things that will not earn
them any reward or applause. They just want to be kind to as many
people as possible, which often endears them to many people.
Extremely organized: People with this personality type often have
impressive organizational skills. They like to keep things in order and
often make good wives and employees. They don't want to see things
being in disarray. However, they are usually gentle when correcting
people for not being organized.
Open-minded: ENFJs are not rigid about their worldviews and
perceptions. However, they will not accept a worldview that does not
support being selfless and sacrificial. They believe that every
worldview must have a foundation in love and peace. However, they
are open to listening to new ideas and worldviews. However, they are
tolerant and still find it easy to relate to people who don't share their
worldview. They are open to changing their view of life when
persuaded and convinced.
Excellent communicators: ENFJs are excellent communicators.
They often excel as public speakers and motivational speakers. They
are good with words and often know the right words to say to
different audiences. Their sense of humor is fantastic, and they are
often superb as masters of ceremonies. Their conversations are often
irresistible even though they appeal more to the emotions of the
people rather than to logic. They are excellent at drawing positive
emotions from people with their usage of words.
Chapter Eight
How To Transmit To Others A Good
Self-Esteem
Self-esteem is an important attribute that every human must-have.
High self-esteem is beneficial to one's mental and physical health in
many ways. Your self-esteem affects the way you see yourself and the
way you see others. It is valuable if you have high self-confidence.
However, you should not just be concerned about your mental
health. It should also matter to you that people around you have
their self-esteem in good shape.
The good news is that it is not difficult to help others have good selfesteem. People struggle with confidence issues when they have gone
through setbacks such as failures, divorces, and other unpleasant
circumstances. Some people recover from these setbacks and still go
ahead and be the best they can be. However, some people never
recover and end up making a mess of their lives.
Those that recover from setbacks are often aided by those who
believed in them and helped them through the tough times. When
you help someone find a reason to fight on in life, that person will be
forever grateful to you. However, you can't give what you don't have.
Hence, in this chapter, you will earn all you need to know to be able
to transmit good self-esteem to others.
What is Self-Esteem?
Your self-esteem is the way you rate yourself, and it has to do with
the value you have for yourself. It is often developed from the things
people say about you or the way people judge you based on your
previous performances. When people say good things about you and
judge you favorably, there is a high tendency that you will have a
good judgment of yourself. You have good self-esteem when you see
yourself as a valuable person. However, you have low self-esteem
when you don't have value for yourself.
Low self-esteem is often a product of internalizing negative voices.
When people are critical of you because of something you did or
because of the way you look, it can get to you. You may internalize
their voices and start seeing yourself based on what they said about
you. You may start telling yourself that you are not worth being loved
and worthless. When you don't see yourself as someone of worth,
your self-esteem esteem is low.
Why is it Important to Have Good Self-Esteem?
To succeed in your daily activities and achieve your short and longterm objectives, you need to acquire the requisite knowledge and
skills. However, you can still fail if you have low self-esteem. Below
are some benefits of having good self-esteem:
You will live your life on your terms: People are not the same,
and the earlier we recognize that, the better for us. People have their
unique personalities, purpose, values, visions, and dreams. Hence,
expecting people to act the same way is to deny them the freedom to
express themselves. When you have good self-esteem, you will not be
afraid to be yourself. You will not be scared of being judged for being
who you are. You will be able to live your life on your terms without
being afraid of losing friends.
You will appreciate diversity: When you have good self-esteem,
you will not live your life trying to accept others. You will be able to
accept it when people do not share your worldview. It takes high selfesteem to bear that it is not everyone that will recognize your
opinion. You won't be unnecessarily stressed when somebody
contradicts your suggestions when you have good self-esteem.
You will not be afraid to accept new challenges: You will be
fearful of leaving your comfort zone when you have low self-esteem.
You will not have confidence in yourself to cope with new situations.
However, growing and getting better in life demands that you
challenge yourself to do better than you did in the past. This often
requires that you take risks and try new things. However, without
good self-esteem, you will never attempt to explore new
opportunities.
You will be able to fulfill your potentials: You cannot know
what you are truly capable of when you don't face new challenges and
solve them. Fulfilling your potential depends on being able to risks
and defying the odds. You must take calculated risks. However, you
should not be too afraid to take risks. Taking risks is the forte of
people who knows their worth and believes in themselves. They are
confident that they will be able to recover again, no matter how many
times they fail.
You will not give up easily: If you find yourself always doing
things that are easy for you, you are not ready to stretch yourself to
be the best. When you want to achieve something monumental, you
will have to be resilient. You will face different challenges that will
seem insurmountable initially. You will make mistakes sometimes
that will make you feel like quitting. However, high self-esteem will
make you choose not to give up but keep fighting.
You will keep learning and growing: It takes high self-esteem
to agree that you don't know everything and need to keep learning.
When you have value for yourself, you will not have issues with
making mistakes and learning from them. You will see your mistakes
as opportunities to learn and get better. You will not think that your
failures are products of not being good enough.
Excellent mental health: In 2017, Henriksen and his colleagues
studied the role of self-esteem in the development of psychiatric
problems. The result of the study showed that high self-esteem leads
to having fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression. Hence, you
need high self-esteem to be able to stay clear of depression and
anxiety.
Good Physical health: Whatever affects your mental health will
eventually affect your physical health. When you are depressed, you
will struggle to exercise regularly. You will also be susceptible to
engaging in poor eating habits. Hence, your physical health will
eventually deteriorate when you are having issues with your mental
health. You need high self-esteem to keep yourself both mentally and
physically healthy.
Happiness: Happiness is the ultimate desire of the man. We try to
get satisfaction in many ways, but they are all means to the end. The
reason you want to earn good money and have healthy relationships
is that you want to be happy. However, you can never enjoy true
happiness if you don't have good self-esteem. You will not find
meaning in your life and will be depressed most times.
Why People Have Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem can limit a person in many ways. Your self-esteem
affects the way you make decisions. Meanwhile, the quality of your
life is a product of the variety of choices you make. Hence, low selfesteem will inhibit your progress and make you have bad experiences
in life. Below are some of the most common reasons people have low
self-esteem:
Body image: Your body image is the way you perceive your body. It
is easy to be unhappy with your physique in this social media
proliferated age. You are constantly bombarded with the images of
models that prides themselves in their body shape. The media often
portray slim girls as "sexy." Hence, you can slide into depression and
low self-esteem as a lady when you are not thin. It is not wrong to
lose weight, but it should not be because you compare yourself to a
fake or temporary idea of a perfect body. Your worth has nothing to
do with your body shape.
Negligent
parents:
The
influence
of
parents
cannot
be
overemphasized in the life of a child. The way a person is raised goes
a long way in determining the kind of adult he or she will become.
Hence, some people have low self-esteem because of the type of
upbringing they have. If you have parents who did not believe in you
while growing up, there is a high tendency that you will keep seeking
the approval of others.
Trauma: Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse can tremendously
affect your self-esteem in the long run. You may end up accepting
that you were abused because you deserve to be treated harshly. No
one deserves to be treated like trash, and you have to realize that.
People do not harm you because you are worthless, but because they
are bullies and scoundrels. Hence, if you find yourself struggling with
self-esteem, you need to think about your past experiences. You may
be struggling because of the anxiety and depression that came due to
being abused.
Negative peers: Outside of your parents, your friends have one of
the strongest influences on you. If you have friends who often look
down on you and treat you as worthless, you can develop low selfesteem. If you have been subjected to abuses while growing up
because of your background or physique in the past, you are
vulnerable to suffering from low self-esteem. You tend to internalize
the negative voices of your peers. It takes a lot to retain your
confidence when you have been exposed to cynical peers in the early
parts of your life.
Social comparison: You should learn to focus on the things you
can change and ignore or accept the things you cannot change. When
you start comparing yourself with people you feel are better than
you, you are vulnerable to suffering low self-esteem. In the social
media age, it is more comfortable to be exposed to superstars who
post pictures of expensive items they procure. Hence, you may start
feeling that you are worthless because you cannot afford those kinds
of things. Your worth must be intrinsic and not based on what you
can afford or what you cannot afford.
Previous mistakes: Your past experiences play an essential role in
the way you perceive yourself. You can start fidgeting and afraid to
take risks because of your past experiences. However, you have to
accept that things will not always go your way. You will make
mistakes, and you have to learn from them. No one is a success story
that didn't make mistakes. Hence, don't let that affect your selfesteem.
Internal self-criticism: It is good to evaluate your actions. You
cannot make progress in life if you don't take time to look at how you
can improve. However, you have to be careful not to establish
negative thought patterns. You should never get to the point where
you start seeing yourself as worthless because you didn't handle
something well. You have to keep being positive, no matter what
happens. You need to cut yourself some slacks.
Setting unrealistic goals: It is good to be ambitious. Ambition is
a sign of high self-esteem. However, you should be careful with the
way you go about setting goals. If you set unrealistic targets for
yourself, you will struggle to meet them. The resultant effect of not
being able to meet those targets is low self-esteem. You may have
people laughing at you and writing you off. You may also end up
writing off yourself. Hence, ensure you avoid setting unrealistic
targets to keep your self-esteem intact.
How To Have a Good Self-Esteem?
You can build your self-esteem if you want to. You might have seen
someone who exudes self-confidence, and you are wondering what
the person's secret is. You must have access to the information you
need to turn things around. Below are some ways you can improve
your self-esteem:
Focus on your strength: Having good self-esteem is not magical
but procedural. It all begins by being able to identify your areas of
strength and focusing on them. When you do things that you are not
cut out for, you will struggle. Discover things you can do effortlessly
and train yourself to be better in it. Get the knowledge and training
you need to perform at your optimal level in your area of strength.
Your excellent performances will make you happy and improve your
level of confidence.
Accept compliments comfortably: Seeking the approval of
people is not a sign. It shows that you are bereft of confidence in
yourself. However, you should not have issues when people say good
things about you. You should be comfortable with accepting
compliments. Hence, whenever anyone compliments you, just
appreciate the kind gesture. However, you have to be careful of false
flatteries. People have a way of saying positive things about you that
are not true but just to make you feel happy. Mentally discard false
flatteries but appreciate the gesture.
Cut yourself some slacks: No one can make you feel bad about
yourself unless you allow them. You cannot stop people from being
foolish and misjudging you. However, you can choose how you want
to respond to the way they treat you. It is expected that people will
criticize you when you make mistakes. However, you should not
dwell on the criticisms. You should learn your lessons and move on
as soon as possible. Look at where you made a mistake and put
measures in place not to repeat it.
Remember your success stories: During your low times, it is
like that your mind flings to every other time that you have made
mistakes. This will make you depressed and further deplete your selfesteem. You should learn to remind yourself about those times when
you were celebrated for performing well. You are still the same
person and can even do great things again. Your successes in the past
are not flukes. You have to remind and assure yourself that you will
come back stronger.
Speak highly of yourself: Most people don't like confrontational
people. However, they admire people that have confidence in their
abilities. No one wants to trust anyone who is not sure of what he or
she is capable of. During interviews, interviewers want to see you
exude self-confidence. Hence, you should learn to speak highly of
yourself. You should not say that you are better than others, but you
should always affirm that you are the best man for the job.
Smile and look into people's eyes: Avoiding eye contact is not a
sign of self-confidence. It is essential that you out the culture into
consideration before looking into people's eyes. In some cultures,
looking into the eyes of people who are your superiors is seen as
being disrespectful. However, you should learn to look into people's
eyes in the absence of cultural restrictions. It shows that you are
confident in yourself. However, to avoid looking awkward, you
should smile when looking into people's eyes.
Accept your imperfections: We all have areas where we need to
improve. You should have a culture of perfecting your imperfections.
However, you should not see yourself as a worthless person because
of your flaws. Focus on the improvements you are making and be
happy with yourself. No one on earth does not have defects. Hence,
don't allow anyone to make you feel bad about yourself because of
areas where you need to improve.
Have a culture of proper preparations: According to James
Baker, "prior preparation prevents poor performance." Hence, you
should have a culture of preparing well before attempting any task.
Most times, you are aware of the functions you need to perform.
However, you may not do what you ought to do before attempting
the job due to laziness or procrastination. The inevitable result of
poor preparation is poor performance. Poor performances attract
criticisms, and criticisms can deplete your self-esteem.
Commit to your passion: Find something you love and give it
your whole self. When you are doing things you are passionate about,
you will feel good about yourself. You will think that you are doing
something worthwhile. If you find joy in volunteering to improve the
lives of others, do it more often. If you like sport, get more involved
in it as much as possible. It may not necessarily be your profession
but a hobby. When it is your profession, you will find happiness in
doing what you do daily.
How To Transmit a Good Self-Esteem to Others?
Counseling psychologists and other experts are trained to help
people deal with issues such as having low self-esteem. However, you
don't have to be a psychologist before you can help others build their
self-confidence. Your friend or members of your family may need
you at crucial points in their lives to help them develop their selfworth. Below are some tips that can help you to transmit good selfesteem to others:
Be a good example: You cannot give what you don't have. Hence,
you have to be an excellent example of someone who values him or
herself before you can help others build their self-confidence. This is
very critical if you are a parent. Your kids will automatically assume
that it is good to feel bad about your life when they see you act that
way. Hence, you must strive to be a good example at all times.
Know the person's personality: You have learned about the
different personality types. Hence, you should be able to recognize a
particular personality type when you see one. You must know who
you are dealing with before you can help the person. You cannot turn
an introvert into an extrovert. However, you can help an introvert
have confidence in him or herself, even among many people.
Journey into the past: I have mentioned earlier that previous
abuses can deplete a person's self-esteem. Hence, there is no harm in
helping the person travel into the past to identify things that may be
affecting him or her presently. Past experiences can affect a person's
self-esteem subconsciously. Hence, find out whether the person has
been a victim of abuse in the past to help the person.
Encourage the person to forgive him or herself: If you find
out that the person has been abused in the past, you should assure
him or her that it was not his or her fault. Let him/her realize that
the people who abused him/her were monsters who have no value
for fellow humans. However, if you find out that the person has made
mistakes in the past that are haunting him or her, encourage him or
her to forgive him or herself.
Encourage the person to trust him or herself more: After
forgiving him or herself, the person should learn to trust him or
herself more. One of the signs that you have forgiven yourself is to
trust yourself to do better in the future. Let the person realize that no
one will believe him or her when he or she does not trust him or
herself.
Encourage the person to use positive affirmations: You
should not overrate yourself, but you have to be confident in
yourself. One of the ways a person can build his or her self-esteem is
by using positive affirmations. Positive affirmations involve saying
positive things about yourself. Encourage the person to say more
positive things about him or herself. Positive affirmations will help
the person fight negative thought patterns.
Encourage the person to give and accept compliments:
Giving and trusting compliments are signs of self-confidence. Hence,
encourage the person to give compliments consistently and
deliberately. When you give compliments, people will also
compliment you. Complimenting others endears you to them, and
knowing that some people rate you highly improves your self-esteem.
Encourage setting realistic goals: Setting unrealistic goals is
one of the ways to deplete your self-confidence. Unrealistic goals will
lead to disappointments, and disappointments will lead to low selfesteem. Hence, encourage the person to set achievable goals. He or
she can start small and build up the ladder.
Help him or her to handle criticisms: Anyone who does not
know how to handle criticisms will struggle with his or her selfesteem. Hence, you need to help the person with handling
objections. Let the person realize that people will criticize him or her.
However, he or she must learn to accept his or her wrongs and
discard destructive criticisms.
Chapter Nine
Body Mirroring: Enhancing Personal
Connections
Like most animals, humans often quickly assess whether it is safe to
be with a person they are meeting for the first time. This evaluation
is vital for the survival of most animals, and humans are not
different. We often notice their gestures and the way they act to see if
it is different from ours. This process is known as "mirroring."
Mirroring can lead to creating rapport and establishing friendships
after noticing that the person has similar gestures as yours.
Mirroring can also lead to creating a gap between you and another
person when you feel that the person is acting in ways you are not
comfortable with. Body mirroring is what makes people in a stadium
jubilate together when their favorite team scores a goal. Even though
they are individuals, they are acting in the same way simultaneously
because feeling that they share something in common. In this
chapter, you will learn all you need to know about Body Mirroring
and how to take advantage of it to enhance personal connections.
What is Body Mirroring?
Body mirroring refers to the art of copying the gestures and attitudes
of others as a way of showing that we accept them. Mirroring fosters
bonding, acceptance, and camaraderie among people. Interestingly,
most people don't realize that they are mirroring the body language
of others. Children often unconsciously and consciously react and
respond the same way their parent's act and respond.
Humans used mirroring as a social device in ancient times. It was
used to fit in successfully with larger groups. Yawning is one of the
most common forms of reflection. It is incredible to note how many
people in a group would yawn after a particular person in the grown
yawns. Yawning is more than just a way of oxygenating the body; it is
a form of mirroring used to avoid aggression and create rapport with
others.
People use mirroring to tell others to look at them to see that they
share the same attitudes and feel the same way. When you see
someone coincidentally dressing the same style and wearing the
same outfit as yours, you are naturally attracted to them. This is the
force of body mirroring. Mirroring the body attitude of another
person makes them feel you are the same as them and makes them
want to stick with you.
The force of mirroring is in place in a queue. People in a line
cooperate without being told. The attitude of others to wait for one
another rubs off on you, and you just comply without being told to do
so. This same force is at work when fighting side by side in a war and
also while waiting for a bus. This force has helped the Germans,
Romans, and the British dominate the world at different points in
man's history.
According to Meltzoff (1990), the urge to mirror others is hardwired
into the brain because it supports man's survival. Reflecting others
showcases cooperation, which is vital to find more food and
increasing the chances of survival. Mirroring enables people to defeat
a common enemy.
Generating the Right Vibes
Mirroring makes others feel at ease to be around you. People who
experience similar emotions are on the same wavelength and are
likely to experience a rapport. Mirroring leads to mimicking others'
body language and expressions, thereby leading to being in sync with
one another. Mirroring began in the womb, where the heartbeat of
the child matches the mother's rhythm.
In the early stages of courtship, it is common to see couples
exhibiting synchronous movements. Sometimes, it looks like a
choreographed dance. It is not uncommon to find the woman putting
food into her mouth at the same time as the man. The man can finish
a sentence she began. Mirroring can be so exciting when seen in a
romantic relationship. It makes the man and woman feel as though
their hearts are united. This effect wanes among them sometimes
over time.
You can intentionally take advantage of mirroring to look appealing
to someone. It is fun to see someone mimicking your gestures.
Creating the right vibe makes people feel right when they around
you. Sometimes, you feel at home whenever you are with a person,
and you don't even know why. If you pay attention, you will realize
that you have a lot of things in common with the person.
People who are intimate friends often have common gestures. I had a
friend in my college days people often call my twin brother.
Sincerely, we don't look alike physically. He is taller and chubbier
than me. However, we often talk and act in similar ways. I
unconsciously copied some of his slangs and pattern of walking. I
noticed that I was acting like him in many ways, and people often say
that.
In a romantic relationship, you can mirror your spouse by ordering
the same thing she orders when at a restaurant together. Playing a
song you both like also helps to create moments when you sing and
tap along. You need all the positive energy you can generate to create
a functional camaraderie between you and your loved ones.
Gender Differences in Body Mirroring
Mirroring is not the same for both males and females. Gergely and
Watson (1996) discovered that men are four times less likely to
mirror another man than a woman will imitate another woman. The
study also revealed that men are often reluctant to reflect a woman's
gesture unless during courtship.
Women can notice more when someone in a group does not agree
with the decision of the group. They don't need to hear the person
say that he or she is not in agreement before they find out. They can
see the disagreement by noticing the body language of the person.
They notify people whose body language does not match that of the
group. Men often wonder how women find it easier to discover when
a person is lying or feeling hurt. The reason is located in the biology
of women. Unlike men, women's brains are better equipped to read
the fine details of others' body language. Hence, they can spot when
there is a mirror discrepancy and detect the emotions of a person.
The brains of men and women are not programmed to express
emotions through body language and facial expressions the same
way. A woman can use up to six primary facial expressions with ten
seconds of listening to a speaker. She can mirror the speaker's
emotions so that it will look to an onlooker as though the event being
discussed happened to both the speaker and the listener. Women
typically read the meaning of what a person is saying by paying
attention to the body language and voice tone of the speaker.
When a man can replicate the mirroring attributes of women,
women find such a man as caring and attractive. Men often hold
expressionless faces, especially when they are in public. Men do this
to conform to societal expectations of them to be in charge of their
emotions. Hence, some men can appear like statues when listening.
Men experience emotions when listening but often appear
emotionless. It is only a mask that society makes them wear.
Resemblance
It is common to see people looking like one another after living with
one another for a long time. This phenomenon is common among
couples who have healthy relationships. What happens is that they
often mirror the facial expression of one another. Over time, these
facial expressions build in the same areas of their faces. Hence, don't
be surprised to see couples looking alike when they share the same
smile in a photograph.
If you pay careful attention, you will notice that there are times when
a particular couple does not share a physical resemblance. However,
the differences will fade off when the force of mirroring is in play. It
will look as if they are physically alike because they are imitating
their facial expressions. This rubs off on the attitude and behavior of
couples. In most cases, the response of couples who have lived with
themselves over a long time is very similar.
Dr. John Gottman, a psychologist at the University of Washington,
Seattle, studied this phenomenon alongside his colleagues. The study
results revealed that marriages, where the couples do not mirror the
expressions of one another, are likely to crumble. Feelings of
contempt for one another will only make the marriage unstable and
stressful for the couple. The smiling partner will eventually get
affected by the actions of his or her partner, which can ultimately
lead to unhappiness and divorce.
Mirroring also affects the way people choose their pets. We often
unconsciously pick pets that have some physical semblance with us.
Some people even select pets that mirror their attitudes. However, it
is imperative to point out that dogs' body language does not have the
same interpretation as that of humans.
In other words, a dog and a human may display the same facial
expression, but that does not mean they are expressing the same
emotion. There are many body languages of men that are found in
other animals. However, the interpretation of these body languages
does not often mean the same. Hence, an assumption will not be
helpful.
Copying Gestures During Interactions
It is common to see people copying the gestures of others during
social interactions. Mirroring is a way of showing to the other person
that you agree with his or her attitudes and ideas. Without saying
anything, the person is saying that he or she agrees with the other
person. Usually, it is the person of superior status that makes a move
first while others copy.
When the person changes his body posture, there is a high
probability that others will do the same unconsciously. The others
are indirectly demonstrating that they are in tandem with the person
of superior status. People do this playfully sometimes to amuse the
person they are mirroring, but it is done most times unconsciously.
Mirroring also takes place among friends and peer groups.
People of the same status also mirror their gestures, such as married
couples. They stand, move, and sit in identical ways. Strangers often
avoid mirroring the gestures of people they don't know. Mirroring
demonstrates aligning with others. Hence, people usually take their
time to study and observe new people before they mirror their
gestures. Mirroring shows that the person is beginning to get
comfortable with the other person.
Matching Voices
The process of mirroring can also affect intonation, speed of
speaking, voice inflection, and the accents of people. This establishes
mutual attitudes and builds rapport. The synchronizing of the tone
and cadences of people is called 'pacing.' This phenomenon is
expressed when two people are singing in tandem.
As relationships continue to grow, people will start mirroring the
leading body positions of one another. People in healthy
relationships will be able to anticipate the attitude of one another
over time. Eventually, vocal pacing with the other person serves as a
means of maintaining rapport and maintaining the same pace while
speaking demonstrates harmony in a relationship.
You should avoid speaking faster than others in an interaction. Some
people feel pressurized when you are speaking at a faster rate than
them. You should deliberately talk at the same speed or slower than
the other person during a conversation. This is a way of mirroring
the person's intonation and inflection. Pacing is essential when you
can only communicate with your voices, such as in a phone call. You
can make the person speaking to you feel comfortable by mirroring
his or her speed of speaking.
Creating Rapport Deliberately
Mirroring is one of the most important things you need to
understand because it can help you detect when people agree or
otherwise with you. You can also use it to let someone know that you
are in sync with him or her by mirroring his or her body language. As
a boss, you can create a relaxed atmosphere with a nervous employee
by mirroring his or her body language. Copying a person's posture
will do enough to calm him or her down.
In the same way, you can copy your boss's posture as an employee to
be on the same page with him or her. You can do this deliberately
when your boss is giving an opinion to showcase your agreement
with the idea. Something as simple as mirroring the gesture of your
boss can earn you his or her approval. You can influence others to
keep them relaxed by copying their positive gestures.
However, you have to be careful not to mirror a negative gesture
because that will be interpreted as mockery. You should not reflect a
posture that is related to the physical challenge of a person. Doing
this is disrespectful because it is a form of parody. You should also
examine the relationship you have with a person before you mirror
his or her body language. You should also consider the context before
you reflect a posture.
Imagine that you want to discuss with your boss to increase your
salary. You cannot go into his office and mirror his Catapult with a
Figure-Four posture. If you do this, you can be sure that you are not
likely to get a positive response. This posture is a dominant posture,
and it will not be appropriate to use it when discussing it with your
superior. This posture reflects confidence; however, it may not be
deemed necessary by your boss. Hence, you should avoid mirroring
that kind of position in that situation.
What if you speak like a typical employee while assuming the
Catapult with a Figure-Four posture? Your posture will most likely
still ruin your chances of getting a favorable response. Your boss may
feel insulted by your body language and turn down your request. The
effect of your actions can affect your subsequent chances of getting a
raise or promotion. It may even influence your job security in that
company. Your boss may feel that you are self-conceited and proud
and kick you out later.
However, mirroring can be useful in distracting someone or forcing
them to change a position. Lawyers, accountants, and managers are
notorious for using dominant postures when they are around people
they consider inferior. By mirroring their pose, they will intimidate
them and force them to change their stance on a matter. However,
you should not try this with people that are superior to you.
Mirroring is fantastic when you want to present as a team. Assuming
the same posture and gestures often add more "color" to a team
presentation. The team has to decide who should be the
spokesperson before the performance. He or she will make a gesture
that the other members of the team will mirror. This gives the team a
great appearance and also intimidates competitors. Your competitors
will feel that you are up to something they are not ready to face.
If you have to present a new idea to a couple, watch who starts a
gesture and who mirrors it. The person whose gestures are mirrored
has a more substantial influence between the two of them. Hence,
concentrate more on convincing the person, and you will find out
that the other person will follow suit. You may notice that the woman
crossed her legs first before the husband did the same. Focus on her
to get a joint decision from both of them.
When people are unanimously in surprise that a particular person
did something wrong, they usually rub both eyes simultaneously.
Though they are rubbing their eyes, in reality, they are trying to wipe
off the thought from their minds. This gesture is also frequent when
people are trying to recall an experience.
Mirroring in a Group
Mirroring in a group can be so beautiful. It happens in a stadium
where people support their favorite teams. Out of nowhere, you can
find over 40,000 people displaying the same gesture or singing the
same song. The truth is that someone began the gesture, and others
mirrored it. Each one of those fans is mirroring the actions of the
remaining 39,999 fans. Being in a crowd can be pleasurable or
intimidating.
When you are part of the crowd acting in tandem, it feels great. You
feel empowered, and the feeling can be thrilling. However, if you are
at the receiving end of an opposing crowd's actions, you can perceive
intimidation. Fans can go crazy and obsessed with that same force of
mirroring the gestures of one another. You may end up wishing you
didn't act that way later, but the allure at that moment is so strong.
There is nothing new about the Coliseum-like stadia we have today
that host American football games or soccer around the globe. The
Romans built such structures in ancient times, where the crowd
cheers their favorite gladiators. That enthralling thrill of acting in
tandem with a group of people has a massive influence on people's
behaviors. Humans often do not want to feel different.
People love to be a part of what is in vogue. We like to wear the kind
of clothes that people consider fashionable. We are more
impressionable than we realize. Even when you claim that you are
not impressionable, you are still mirroring someone who claimed
that he or she is not impressionable.
We are all products of influence, and the faster we realize that the
better for us. People can mirror your gestures to unsettle you and
make you make the wrong decisions that will favor them. You always
have to ensure that you are still in charge.
The end… almost!
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reading it to the end.
Conclusion
Wow! What a journey! The length of a book does not matter as long
as it offers value. I am convinced that you find this lecture educative
and enlightening. However, it will be a waste of time if you cannot
use this book's content to improve your life. You will not be different
from people who never read this manual if you don't apply the things
you have learned to improve your experiences.
One of the most important lessons you should have picked from this
book is that people are unique. People have different personalities,
and you have to take advantage of this knowledge. You can tag along
with anyone when you understand the person. Understanding people
takes commitment and interest. You have to be ready to take your
time to study a person and follow his or her personality.
Once you understand the person's personality, you will be able to
predict the person to a terrific extent. Sometimes, the reason we find
it difficult to live in harmony with one another is that we don't
understand ourselves. When you know the personality of a person,
you will appreciate the person's strengths and limitations. You will
know when and how to approach the person without scuffles.
We also explored various body languages. We were able to see that
people have multiple ways of using their bodies to consciously or
subconsciously tell you what they want. Your bid to understand and
analyze people will fall flat if you are not conversant with body
language and their interpretations. Thankfully, you have been
exposed to this knowledge, and you should take advantage of it.
Your kids, spouse, friends, and loved ones will find you caring and
amiable when you can spot their emotions. People often like it when
someone understands what they want without them having to say
anything. You have been equipped with this knowledge. Hence, you
should be able to handle your relationships with a higher level of
efficiency now. Let the people around you see that there is a marked
difference in your understanding and response to their emotions.
We looked at self-esteem, its meaning, importance, and how you can
improve it. We also looked at how you can help people around you
improve their self-confidence. It is almost impossible to separate
self-worth from self-efficacy even though they are not the same. Your
self-efficacy refers to the level of assurance of success you have
before attempting a task. However, self-esteem refers to your value
of yourself.
It is possible to have high self-esteem but not have a high selfefficacy over a particular task. You may have low self-efficacy
because you have not prepared well, but that does not mean that you
see yourself as worthless. However, it is almost impossible to have
high self-efficacy without corresponding high self-esteem. Hence,
your chances of success in life generally hang on the confidence you
have in yourself.
We were able to see you can have good self-esteem and also help
others have confidence in themselves. I was able to give you tips on
improving your self-esteem and that of others. You can be a ray of
hope for the people around you and exude confidence. Also, it’s
important to influence people around you. Now you have the
information you need. Hence, go ahead and turn your life around
while helping others change theirs.
You have been exposed to many important concepts in this book.
However, you must never stop learning. The knowledge you have
received from this book will go a long way in helping you improve
your experiences in life. The information you have at your disposal
can improve your mental health and your relationship with the
people around you. You can move from being mediocre to being a
master when it comes to handling connections.
However, this book contains only a fraction of the knowledge you
need to succeed in life. Hence, you must keep learning. You have to
maintain the attitude of a learner to excel in life. You should pick up
any other material that can help your life is another aspect not
covered by this book.
No book in the world covers every aspect of life. Some books will
improve your skills in your career. There are books written to
improve your mastery over a particular language. Some books are
written about principles that will enable you to succeed as an
entrepreneur. Hence, you should endeavor to keep reading and
learning. You should have an insatiable desire for knowledge.
It is important to note that you should not seek knowledge for the
sake of it. Don't be someone who can talk about many books he has
read but does not apply what he is learning. Some people can tell you
ten principles that will enable you to succeed as an entrepreneur, but
they are not willing to invest in any business. You will become a
laughing stock when all you do is talk.
People want to see you back up your claims with practical proofs.
Hence, beyond reading books, ensure that you are practicing what
you are learning. You have read this book, and this is good. However,
go back to your jottings and think about ways you can put what you
have learned to practice.
Use the information in this book to add more value to your life.
There are many rooms for improvement, and you have to keep
growing. Don't be afraid to live your life on your terms. Contribute
meaningfully to the lives of the people around you. Keep growing and
let the people around you also grow along with you. Keep being
yourself; stay happy, and stay safe.
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