A missing piece inside me.
I fear that this is what ultimately sets me back from being able to do much, the endless amounts
of formats and the feeling of having my own feelings be required of me.
In a way, the idea of being programmed to live life in a cyclical way while forcing yourself to feel
things because you yourself are aware of the lack of liking and it really held me back from being
able to do much.
So then, I will try to simplify this complicated puzzle of emotion. For what it is worth, I want to
try and live more without being too caught up with the own standards I set and just living free
would be that miraculous thing I want to achieve. Maybe try and sign up for a dance club just
because i thought I’d make friends through common interests, maybe put myself out there and
meet new people, maybe discover new things to love, or maybe love freely without having to
reciprocate feelings. It is just that I have cast myself into the shallow depths of coffee hours,
becoming the zombie my younger self had always feared. I have made a mess of myself:
becoming a pretentiously formatted order of routine, powering through synthetic emotions and
ranting out words in all the possible places I can weed them out. It is mess; I have boxed myself
in.
As a person I think it is safe to say that it is not hard to overcome these kinds of phases in our
lives. Ups and down, goods and bad, highs and low. Just like everyone, we overcome this by
having our own people who are with us during those moments. It allows me to be more open to
society. To live.
There is this fear of tomorrow, and in not knowing. That it is already a life and death situation if I
do not get where I am supposed to because I keep boxing myself in and not getting out of my
comfort zone, Soon, I have feared, things will lose focus and I will live a life only full of regrets. I
know for a fact this is the only real opportunity where I can let go of the standards, I have set for
myself, even just for a little bit.
I want to live this time around.
I want to feel alive, or remember what that used to feel like.