Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. – Chinese proverb
MANIPULATION
If you have ever found your self madly in love with someone that did not deserve it ... crying and
sobbing but feeling that you cannot break free ... if you have ever found your self doing something
that you never really wanted to do ... only to keep doing it more often ... then chances are that you
have been manipulated at least once in your life.
We are all vulnerable to being manipulated in relationships, whether between romantic partners,
friends, parents, children, employers, coworkers, or neighbors. When we allow another person to
manipulate us, we are colluding with their desire to control our feelings, motives, and even our
thoughts through deceptive, exploitative, and unfair means. A manipulative relationship is onesided and unbalanced, advancing the goals of the manipulator at the expense of the person being
manipulated. These relationships become troubled over time. If you want to change this kind of
relationship, you must first recognize the features of manipulation and then look within to
understand your contribution to the manipulation. There are effective ways to stand up to
manipulation and bring balance back into the relationship.
Manipulation is not the same as influence. We all use influence with other people to advance our
goals, and this is one of the hallmarks of healthy social functioning. Influence recognizes the rights
and boundaries of other people, and it is based on direct, honest communication. Influence is one
way we have of functioning effectively in the world. Influence recognizes the integrity of the other
person, including the right not to go along with the attempted persuasion. Manipulation, on the
other hand, depends on covert agendas and an attempt to coerce another person into giving in. Even
though it may appear that the manipulator is strong and in control, there is usually insecurity under
the facade. The tendency to exploit others and disregard their rights is a sign of unhealthy
personality functioning. In fact, people who manipulate others have difficulty in maintaining good
interpersonal relationships.
Those who manipulate other people are good at spotting people to control. If they feel unable to
manipulate someone, they usually give up and move on to somebody else who is more likely to be
receptive to the attempted manipulation. Once you recognize the features of the manipulation, the
next step in correcting the situation is to discover your own contribution to the problem. (This
statement may seem a bit difficult to accept. After all, it's the manipulator who has the problem, you
might say. But realize that manipulation cannot occur in a vacuum. As is true of any relationship, it
takes two people.) You can come to understand your contribution to the manipulative situation and
then take steps to correct it.
Manipulation in a relationship usually progresses over a long period of time. Manipulators learn
over time how far they can go. They are unlikely to attempt to manipulate the other person at the
beginning of a relationship since this could bring things to an immediate end. They observe the
other person's vulnerabilities and learn eventually how to exploit them for their own purposes.
There are two basic tactics that are used to exert control, and they usually go hand in hand. The first
is a promise of gain. That is, the manipulator will promise to provide something if the partner goes
along with what the manipulator wants. "I promise - no arguments for a week if you'll end your
friendship with Pat." The other tactic is the promise of avoiding loss. In this case, the manipulator
threatens the partner with the loss of something if the partner does not go along with the
manipulator's desires. "I'm going to stay out with my friends late every night unless this house is
cleaned spic and span by the time I get home." (Of course, these two examples are obvious
manipulation attempts. Most manipulators use more subtle methods than we see in these examples.)
Manipulative people have a strong need to be in control. This may derive from underlying feelings
of insecurity on their part, although they often compensate for these feelings with a show of strong
self-confidence. Even though they may deny it, their motives are self-serving, and they pursue their
aims regardless of the cost to other people. They have a strong need to feel superior and powerful in
their relationships - and they find people who will validate these feelings by going along with their
attempts at manipulation. They see power as finite. If you exert power over them, they will retaliate
in order to gain back the control they feel they are losing. They cannot understand the idea that
everyone can feel empowered or that everyone can gain. When they are not in control of themselves
and over other people - they feel threatened. They have difficulty in showing vulnerable emotions
because it might suggest they are not in control.
Those who are manipulative usually don't consciously plan their maneuvers. They emerge from the
manipulator's underlying personality disorder, and are played out within the context of a victim who
colludes with, and unwittingly encourages, the manipulation. There is a wide range of tactics used
by manipulators ranging from verbal threats to subtle attempts to arrange situations to suit the
manipulator. For example, one of the more common forms of manipulation is called splitting turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting
them to dislike or distrust each other, and leaving the manipulator in a position of control. They may
use active techniques like becoming angry, lying, intimidating, shouting, name-calling or other
bullying tactics. Or they may use more passive methods like pouting, sulking, ignoring you, or
giving you the silent treatment.
KINDS OF MANIPULATION
“In order to survive, we cling to all we know and understand. And we label it reality. But
knowledge and understanding are ambiguous. That reality could be an illusion. Thefore humans can
live with wrong assumptions. Your eyes, how much can you actually see?”
Denial
This is when the aggressor refuses to admit that they've done something harmful or hurtful when
they clearly have. It's a way they lie (to themselves as well as to others) about their aggressive
intentions. This "Who... Me?" tactic is a way of "playing innocent," and invites the victim to feel
unjustified in confronting the aggressor about the inappropriateness of a behavior.
Selective Inattention
This tactic is similar to and sometimes mistaken for denial It's when the aggressor "plays dumb," or
acts oblivious. When engaging in this tactic, the aggressor actively ignores the warnings, pleas or
wishes of others, and in general, refuses to pay attention to everything and anything that might
distract them from pursuing their own agenda. Often, the aggressor knows full well what you want
from him when he starts to exhibit this "I don't want to hear it!" behavior. By using this tactic, the
aggressor actively resists submitting himself to the tasks of paying attention to or refraining from
the behavior you want him to change.
Rationalization
A rationalization is the excuse an aggressor tries to offer for engaging in an inappropriate or
harmful behavior. It can be an effective tactic, especially when the explanation or justification the
aggressor offers makes just enough sense that any reasonably conscientious person is likely to fall
for it. It's a powerful tactic because it not only serves to remove any internal resistance the aggressor
might have about doing what he wants to do (quieting any qualms of conscience he might have) but
also to keep others off his back. If the aggressor can convince you he's justified in whatever he's
doing, then he's freer to pursue his goals without interference.
Diversion
A moving target is hard to hit. When we try to pin a manipulator down or try to keep a discussion
focused on a single issue or behavior we don't like, he's expert at knowing how to change the
subject, dodge the issue or in some way throw us a curve. Manipulators use distraction and
diversion techniques to keep the focus off their behavior, move us off-track, and keep themselves
free to promote their self-serving hidden agendas.
Lying
It's often hard to tell when a person is lying at the time he's doing it. Fortunately, there are times
when the truth will out because circumstances don't bear out somebody's story. But there are also
times when you don't know you've been deceived until it's too late. One way to minimize the
chances that someone will put one over on you is to remember that because aggressive personalities
of all types will generally stop at nothing to get what they want, you can expect them to lie and
cheat.
Covert Intimidation
Aggressors frequently threaten their victims to keep them anxious, apprehensive and in a one-down
position. Covert-aggressives intimidate their victims by making veiled (subtle, indirect or implied)
threats. Guilt-tripping and shaming are two of the covert-aggressive's favourite weapons. Both are
special intimidation tactics.
Guilt-tripping
One thing that aggressive personalities know well is that other types of persons have very different
consciences than they do. Manipulators are often skilled at using what they know to be the greater
conscientiousness of their victims as a means of keeping them in a self-doubting, anxious, and
submissive position. The more conscientious the potential victim, the more effective guilt is as a
weapon. Aggressive personalities of all types use guilt-tripping so frequently and effectively as a
manipulative tactic, that I believe it illustrates how fundamentally different in character they are
compared to other (especially neurotic) personalities. All a manipulator has to do is suggest to the
conscientious person that they don't care enough, are too selfish, etc., and that person immediately
starts to feel bad.
Shaming
This is the technique of using subtle sarcasm and put-downs as a means of increasing fear and selfdoubt in others. Covert-aggressives use this tactic to make others feel inadequate or unworthy, and
therefore, defer to them.
Playing the Victim Role
This tactic involves portraying oneself as an innocent victim of circumstances or someone else's
behavior in order to gain sympathy, evoke compassion and thereby get something from another.
Therefore, the tactic is simple. Convince your victim you're suffering in some way, and they'll try to
relieve your distress.
Vilifying the Victim
This tactic is frequently used in conjunction with the tactic of playing the victim role. The
aggressor uses this tactic to make it appear he is only responding (i.e. defending himself against)
aggression on the part of the victim. It enables the aggressor to better put the victim on the
defensive.
Playing the Servant Role
Covert-aggressives use this tactic to cloak their self-serving agendas in the guise of service to a
more noble cause. It's a common tactic but difficult to recognize. By pretending to be working hard
on someone else's behalf, covert-aggressives conceal their own ambition, desire for power, and
quest for a position of dominance over others.
Seduction
Covert-aggressive personalities are adept at charming, praising, flattering or overtly supporting
others in order to get them to lower their defenses and surrender their trust and loyalty. Covertaggressives are also particularly aware that people who are to some extent emotionally needy and
dependent (and that includes most people who aren't character-disordered) want approval,
reassurance, and a sense of being valued and needed more than anything.
Projecting the blame (blaming others)
Aggressive personalities are always looking for a way to shift the blame for their aggressive
behavior. Covert-aggressives are not only skilled at finding scapegoats, they're expert at doing so in
subtle, hard to detect ways.
Minimization
This tactic is a unique kind of denial coupled with rationalization. When using this maneuver, the
aggressor is attempting to assert that his abusive behavior isn't really as harmful or irresponsible as
someone else may be claiming.
Splitting
Turning two people against each other by talking to each one behind the back of the other, getting
them to dislike or distrust each other, which leaves the manipulator in a position of control.
Challenging your EGO
This technique aims at making you prove that you are important enough or capable of doing some
task. Watch out for the following style of phrases because they may signal such an EGO torpedo:
"I hope you are not afraid / I thought you were brave" - and make you do the stunt.
"Most people have failed at this. This is the task that proves if you are really the best" - and the
hamster runs and runs on its wheel, producing all kinds of reports, data or anything that can keep its
boss happy.
Fear
This technique uses all the negative things that may happen to you if you do not conform to their
demand.
"You will lose me / You will get fired / You will stay alone / or something that makes you feel
really unhappy - if you do not do the XYZ "
Curiosity
"You only live once, man. Let's go test this"
Have you ever looked a heroin addict straight in his eyes. Have you noticed how EMPTY those
eyes look ?
The need to be liked
This technique is very much used in many relationships and can be found a lot in seduction
situations. One of the two persons menaces to retreat her appreciation or his love, if person B does
not conform to his or her demand. It can also work if he or she is temporarily ignoring you. What
this does is that it creates a psychological vacuum that can lead you to hunt and pursue.
"Oh, OK if you do not want to do the X, then forget it. I do not think we are going to see each-other
- ever again." - and you keep hunting the girl or the man for ages.
Love
Look someone in the eyes and tell him : "If you love me ... if you REALLY love me, you will do
this ... for me ?". and your lover makes you do things that you would never do by your self... or you
spoil your son and your daughter in a way that seriously provokes problems in their lives.
Commitment
If they ask you to promise something or do a symbolic act towards the desired direction, it is quite
probable that you will conform to another demand if it is related somehow with your promise.
"But YOU PROMISED !"
Social Proof
You are shown how other people around you have been acting in a related matter to the one that he
or she wants you to do.
"But all of my friends do this" - and you do it too.
Scarcity
They give you a take-it-now-or-loose-it-forever option by making sure not to be readily available.
This makes you understand that if you do not act NOW you will miss your chance.
Reciprocation
They offer you something first, they wait a bit and then they ask you a favor.
Authority
This technique is used mostly in workplaces. Someone that will claim authority, he will claim that
his argument has been used by experts.
Sex as a Bait
This applies to seduction situations, where a male can be allured to have sex but sex never arrives.
This makes him do a lot of irrelevant actions in order to get there.
Emotional roller coaster
By alternating times of painfully trying to achieve something (get the girl or the man) and then
rapidly him or her offering you an 'emotional' cookie, you can be addicted to the chase. This rapid
alternation from negative feelings to positive feelings , is also the reason for most addictions.
EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
We’ve all been manipulated by other people, and it’s likely that we’ve done a bit of manipulation
ourselves. Telling a white lie in order to get what we want is one way of manipulating someone.
Students are notorious for telling teachers that they couldn’t get their paper in on time because their
computer crashed last night. Employees claim to have car trouble in order to miss a day of work.
Politicians inflate a problem or make misleading statements in order to gain public support for their
agendas.
When we manipulate other people, we deprive them of their integrity and their ability to make
decisions based on their own accurate reading of reality. When we tell a lie, we provide an alternate
reality to the other person – and they make decisions that may be to our advantage, but it may not be
a decision they would make if they knew all the facts. Manipulation shows disrespect to the other
person – but ultimately we are disrespecting ourselves and compromising our own integrity when
we manipulate others. We give ourselves the illusion of control, but it is hardly a feeling of control
that we can be proud of. Even if nobody ever finds out about it, we know that we got ahead by
taking from another person. “I win and you lose – and that makes me feel good.” We deprive
ourselves of the knowledge that our accomplishments in life are based on our own resourcefulness.
Most of us want to trust and assume the best in other people. We believe that when someone tells us
something, the other person is telling the truth. When we have been repeatedly hurt because others
have taken advantage of our trust, we may change our beliefs about the world. We may become
cynical and try to undermine others before we are hurt yet again. The best strategy is probably to
trust until someone shows us that they can’t be trusted. Hopefully, then, we can learn how to
recognize emotional manipulation when it appears.
Recognizing Emotional Manipulation
Many of us don’t recognize manipulation when it occurs, mainly because manipulation violates our
basic assumptions about how people should behave. We simply don’t expect it. Manipulators
engage in “covert aggression.” They hide their anger toward the world in subtle ways and gain
power over us in ways that are not obvious.
– We may sense, however, that we are on the defensive in their presence – and this serves as our
first clue. We feel somehow that they are trying to overpower us.
– They come across as caring, hurting, defending, vulnerable – almost anything but fighting – and
these tactics obscure their real motives. You might pay attention to your need to take care of them,
but you don’t recognize that they are trying to take advantage of you. “I care so much about you and
now I’ve twisted my ankle. Can’t you give up your afternoon to drive me around?”
– All of us have weaknesses or insecurities, and sometimes we are aware of them, but we don’t
expect that someone will take advantage of our vulnerabilities. We sometimes have the need to
please others so that we’ll be accepted – and this trait can be spotted easily by an emotional
manipulator. They sometimes know our vulnerable areas better than we do, and they exploit them to
their advantage.
– Be aware of the degree to which you have empathy toward others and how much you might hate
to make harsh judgments about other people. If you are overly trusting, you are vulnerable to being
manipulated. The healthy stance is to learn how to recognize manipulation readily. You cannot be
manipulated if you are aware that it is happening – at the moment it happens.
EIGHT WAYS TO SPOT EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION
There is no use in trying to be honest with an emotional manipulator.
You make a statement and it will be turned around. Example: I am really angry that you forgot my
birthday. Response - "It makes me feel sad that you would think I would forget your birthday, I
should have told you of the great personal stress I am facing at the moment - but you see I didn’t
want to trouble you. You are right I should have put all this pain (don’t be surprised to see real tears
at this point) aside and focused on your birthday. Sorry." Even as you are hearing the words you get
the creeped out sensation that they really do NOT mean they are sorry at all - but since they’ve said
the words you’re pretty much left with nothing more to say. Either that or you suddenly find
yourself babysitting their angst!! Under all circumstances if you feel this angle is being played don’t capitulate! Do not care take - do not accept an apology that feels like bullshit. If it feels like
bullshit - it probably is. Rule number one - if dealing with an emotional blackmailer TRUST your
gut. TRUST your senses. Once an emotional manipulator finds a successful maneuver - it’s added
to their hit list and you’ll be fed a steady diet of this shit.
An emotional manipulator is the picture of a willing helper.
If you ask them to do something they will almost always agree - that is IF they didn’t volunteer to
do it first. Then when you say, "ok thanks" - they make a bunch of heavy sighs, or other non verbal
signs that let you know they don’t really want to do whatever said thing happens to be. When you
tell them it doesn’t seem like they want to do whatever - they will turn it around and try to make it
seem like OF COURSE they wanted to and how unreasonable you are. This is a form of crazy
making - which is something emotional manipulators are very good at. Rule number two - If an
emotional manipulator said YES - make them accountable for it. Do NOT buy into the sighs and
subtleties - if they don’t want to do it - make them tell you it up front - or just put on the walk-man
headphones and run a bath and leave them to their theater.
Crazy making - saying one thing and later assuring you they did not say it.
If you find yourself in a relationship where you figure you should start keeping a log of what’s been
said because you are beginning to question your own sanity --You are experiencing emotional
manipulation. An emotional manipulator is an expert in turning things around, rationalizing,
justifying and explaining things away. They can lie so smoothly that you can sit looking at black
and they’ll call it white - and argue so persuasively that you begin to doubt your very senses. Over a
period of time this is so insidious and eroding it can literally alter your sense of reality. WARNING:
Emotional Manipulation is VERY Dangerous! It is very disconcerting for an emotional manipulator
if you begin carrying a pad of paper and a pen and making notations during conversations. Feel free
to let them know you just are feeling so "forgetful" these days that you want to record their words
for posterity’s sake. The damndest thing about this is that having to do such a thing is a clear
example for why you should be seriously thinking about removing yourself from range in the first
place. If you’re toting a notebook to safeguard yourself - that ol’ bullshit meter should be flashing
steady by now!
Guilt. Emotional manipulators are excellent guilt mongers.
They can make you feel guilty for speaking up or not speaking up, for being emotional or not being
emotional enough, for giving and caring, or for not giving and caring enough. Any thing is fair
game and open to guilt with an emotional manipulator. Emotional manipulators seldom express
their needs or desires openly - they get what they want through emotional manipulation. Guilt is not
the only form of this but it is a potent one. Most of us are pretty conditioned to do whatever is
necessary to reduce our feelings of guilt. Another powerful emotion that is used is sympathy. An
emotional manipulator is a great victim. They inspire a profound sense of needing to support, care
for and nurture. Emotional Manipulators seldom fight their own fights or do their own dirty work.
The crazy thing is that when you do it for them (which they will never ask directly for), they may
just turn around and say they certainly didn’t want or expect you to do anything! Try to make a
point of not fighting other people’s battles, or doing their dirty work for them. A great line is "I
have every confidence in your ability to work this out on your own" - check out the response and
note the bullshit meter once again.
Emotional manipulators fight dirty.
They don’t deal with things directly. They will talk around behind your back and eventually put
others in the position of telling you what they would not say themselves. They are passive
aggressive, meaning they find subtle ways of letting you know they are not happy little campers.
They’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and then do a bunch of jerk off shit to undermine
it. Example: "Of course I want you to go back to school honey and you know I’ll support you."
Then exam night you are sitting at the table and poker buddies show up, the kids are crying the t.v.
blasting and the dog needs walking - all the while "Sweetie" is sitting on their ass looking at you
blankly. Dare you call them on such behavior you are likely to hear, "well you can’t expect life to
just stop because you have an exam can you honey?" Cry, scream or choke ‘em - only the last will
have any long-term benefits and it’ll probably wind your butt in jail.
If you have a headache an emotional manipulator will have a brain tumor!
No matter what your situation is the emotional manipulator has probably been there or is there now
- but only ten times worse. It’s hard after a period of time to feel emotionally connected to an
emotional manipulator because they have a way of de-railing conversations and putting the spotlight
back on themselves. If you call them on this behavior they will likely become deeply wounded or
very petulant and call you selfish - or claim that it is you who are always in the spotlight. The thing
is that even tho you know this is not the case you are left with the impossible task of proving it.
Don’t bother - TRUST your gut and walk away!
Emotional manipulators somehow have the ability to impact the emotional climate of those
around them.
When an emotional manipulator is sad or angry the very room thrums with it - it brings a deep
instinctual response to find someway to equalize the emotional climate and the quickest route is by
making the emotional manipulator feel better - fixing whatever is broken for them. Stick with this
type of loser for too long and you will be so enmeshed and co-dependent you will forget you even
have needs - let alone that you have just as much right to have your needs met.
Emotional manipulators have no sense of accountability.
They take no responsibility for themselves or their behavior - it is always about what everyone else
has "done to them". One of the easiest ways to spot an emotional manipulator is that they often
attempt to establish intimacy through the early sharing of deeply personal information that is
generally of the "hook-you-in-and-make-you-sorry-for-me" variety. Initially you may perceive this
type of person as very sensitive, emotionally open and maybe a little vulnerable. Believe me when I
say that an emotional manipulator is about as vulnerable as a rabid pit bull, and there will always be
a problem or a crisis to overcome.
You may find yourself in a double bind. That is, if you go along with the manipulation, you feel
angry – and if you drop the relationship, you feel guilty. It may seem that you can’t win.
“It is twice the pleasure to deceive the deceiver.”