BONUS!
Scenario #2
THE DATE
the
obsession
method
BY Kate Spring
A date is like an audition; however, instead of auditioning for a role
in a movie, you’re auditioning for a role in a woman’s life. You’re
auditioning for the part of a girl’s boyfriend and/or sexual partner.
It’s an important opportunity when you get to sell a girl on who you
are and all that you have to offer. But in order to do that, you need
to present yourself in such a way that persuades her into
thinking that you’re the best candidate for the job.
And this all starts with how your body reacts to
the environment in which you find yourself
— your body language speaks for you.
On this topic, there are some body
language attraction killers that I see many
men making on dates. One of the major
things that I see is being too eager. This is
something that puts most women off.
I see it in speech and in especially in their
gesture. Seeing it in speech is easy; it happens
when guys talk about future plans with a girl
when it’s only the first date. This tends to scare women
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
2
off. Another is when you’re nervous, your
body reacts in certain ways, for example,
sweating, Yet another one is the
awkward handshake. Or the side
hug, another bad way to start off
a date. If you have any sexual
interest in this woman, and hope
to persuade her to reciprocate
with that same interest, then you
need to be greeting her with a
comfortable hug on your date. The
unsure side hug will not do.
Uncertainty is an attraction killer. Go for
things. Be bold and take charge. That is what this
video is all about.
It begins with the knowledge that your body can indicate your level
of interest, not only our nerves. Just like women have indicators of
interest, so do you. But instead of flicking your hair, you comb your
hands through your hair. Your version of preening is just a little
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
3
different. Like straightening your clothes, etc. These gestures are all
subtle indications that you’re having positive feelings for a woman.
So let’s look at these a little more closely. Let’s start from the top.
Our guy Tim here is with his girl Ericka that he met at the grocery
store in our last tutorial.
Clearly these two people are on a date. You
might not encounter this exact scenario,
but no worries, all of this body
language theory that you’re going
to learn is applicable to most, if not
all, social situations. You could
be having drinks, out for dinner,
lunch, brunch, at a bar, watching
some live comedy, or karaoke, etc.
The possibilities are endless.
In this particular scene, we have a man
and woman just sharing some food. Sitting
across from one another. Starting at the top, let’s
look at Tim’s eye contact. Or as I like to call it, the sultry gaze.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
4
THE SULTRY GAZE
You want to make eye contact when you’re talking to a woman. It’s
so, so, so important and it’s the very first thing that you can do to
start this date off on the right foot.
You know that cliché saying that the eyes are the window to the
soul? I read a rendition of that by psychology professor Adrian
Furnham that said the eyes are the messenger of the soul, which I
would totally agree with. Eye contact is one of the most primitive
forms of communication. Our eyes reveal a lot of our emotions.
Take crying for example. That is one of the most obvious things to
tell us that someone is upset. Unless they’re tears of happiness. The
point is that we associate certain emotions with certain gestures
and certain postures. Whether consciously or unconsciously, we are
continually reading one another’s communication signals.
We can tell so much by a person’s eye contact. Squinting, for
example, can be a sign that you’re feeling unsure about what
someone has said.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
5
Eye contact during conversation is a way of
getting non-verbal feedback. When someone
is hesitant, thinking or not talking fluently,
they tend to look away. Take Tim for
example, he’s thinking, so he’s broken eye
contact with Ericka. Eye contact’s task is
to encourage and persuade people. How
can you persuade anyone to do anything if
you’re not completing the first and foremost
step of non-verbal communication, which is
eye contact? The answer is that you can’t.
That said, what should your eyes be doing during this
date? Obviously, the first thing is to establish eye
contact. But as the date progresses, you don’t want
to spend the entire time just staring at her in the
eye. Ideally, you will make as much eye contact as
you can. You can employ the looking away strategy
as you’re thinking. You can look at other parts of
her face. There is a triangle method that suggests
that you alternate looking at a woman’s nose and then
left eye and then right eye and then back to her nose.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
6
Alternating where you’re looking. Not just staring
longingly into her eyes.
This brings me to my next point, which is
to casually look at her lips at some point
during the date. Studies have proved that
lips are a very sensual part of a woman’s
body that men find attractive. But by casually
looking at her lips, you’re indicating, nonverbally, that you would like to kiss those lips.
All the body language that we’re talking about here
is about subtle techniques that ignite a spark in a woman to
get to know you better.
People who willingly engage in eye contact are seen as
good-natured people who are earnest and believable.
We tend to associate lying with an inability to make
or maintain eye contact. So use eye contact to your
advantage. And the eye contact that I’m talking
about here is a dreamy gaze. Think eyes that are
ever so slightly narrowed into a sultry gaze. Find
the happy medium between being wide away and
falling asleep.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
7
THE NOD
The next thing that you should do to communicate that you’re
listening and engaged in the conversation during a date is to nod
your head. Nod your head in agreement and to
show that you’re listening. When you nod
your head, you’re nonverbally saying,
“I agree” And “I understand.”
There are a few nods to look
out for though. A fast-rapid
nod indicates that you’re
impatient and let’s your
communication partner know
that you want them to a) hurry
up, or b) move on and keep
things moving. This is not what
you want to do on a date. This will
make your date feel rushed and or
uncomfortable talking and sharing with
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
8
you. If you relax, and you relax your nods like Tim does, then you
will see your date start to relax as well.
The other type of nod is a slow and lengthy nod. This one is not
rushing anyone to do anything. It’s simply showing that you
are in agree with what is being said and you are engaged in the
conversation. This is the type of nodding that you want to employ
when you’re on a date.
A single nod coupled with a smile is a signal that
you’re looking to bond with a woman and it’s a
signal of encouragement for her to continue
talking, to enter more deeply into the
conversation.
When she’s regaling you with a story
about that time her family went on a
vacation to New York City and everyone
loved this one Italian restaurant, you can
nod in a “sounds fantastic” way and then
smile to show that you enjoy her story. Which
leads us to our next topic.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
9
THE SEDUCTIVE SMILE
“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your
smile can be the source of your joy.” - Thich Nhat Hanh
I could talk about the importance of smiling when you’re on a date
until the cows came home. But I won’t. I will, however, touch briefly
on it. There is a ton and I mean a ton of research that suggests that
smiling is beneficial for many reasons. The first is that smiling
is contagious. When you smile, the people around you smile.
Secondly, it can make you appear more attractive to others. Thirdly,
it can lift your own mood and the mood of those around you. In
short, a smile is the least expensive and one of the most cherished
of gifts, and one appropriate for all occasions.
In Ph. D Ronald E. Riggio ‘s article, “There’s Magic In Your Smile:
How Smiling Affects Your Brain,” he says that “smiling activates
neural messaging that benefits your health and happiness. For
starters, smiling activates the release of neuropeptides that work
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
10
toward fighting off stress (3). Neuropeptides are tiny molecules that
allow neurons to communicate. They facilitate messaging to the
whole body when we are happy, sad, angry, depressed, excited. The
feel-good neurotransmitters dopamine, endorphins and serotonin
are all released when a smile flashes across your face as well (4).
This not only relaxes your body, but it can lower your heart rate and
blood pressure.”
So when you’re on a date, it’s
important to remember to
smile. Let your body naturally
respond to this encounter. I
know that for myself, when
I get thinking, my face will
fall flat and even take on,
inadvertently, a resting bitch
face. For me., it’s important
to remember to smile because
my “thinking” face can be
misinterpreted as “I am irritated at
you” face. In an attempt to avoid any
miscommunications, remember to smile.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
11
It’s easy and it increases your likeability. And it’s one of the easiest
things to remember and to do to indicate that you’re interested in
your date and the conversation.
I should mention that you should be wary
of a Cheshire cat smile, think more
seductive. You’re not at the dentist,
you don’t have to show all of
your teeth. Think a nice,
relaxed smile where your
mouth is partly closed.
Like Tim is doing as he’s
listening to Ericka Speak.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
12
EMPLOY YOUR EXTREMITIES
When you’re speaking and or listening, it’s also important to open
up your posture so that you always seem inviting and engaged in
the date.
Have you ever watched little kids get really excited? They cross
their legs, trapping their hands in between them, raise their
shoulders up towards their ears, and a big grin forms on their
face? This is a sign of pure excitement. It is obvious that the child
is trying to contain their excitement. This is adorable when we
see kids do it and people sometimes do it jokingly. But when we
see it on a date from a man, we see an overzealous man. And you
never want to show a woman that you’re overly eager, especially
on a first date. Women just like to be included in the chase and
the uncertainty of whether or not someone likes you keeps things
moving forward and the tension rising.
The secret about dating and creating attraction and tension is
leaving a little bit of mystery so that she feels like she doesn’t have
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
13
you immediately in the palm of her hand. Women want to be part
of the chase. They want to experience a period of wanting you and
having to work for your time and affection. If they feel like they can
call on you at any time of day and you’ll drop everything and come
running, that doesn’t leave a ton of mystery or excitement.
It’s a well-known fact that desperation is an attraction killer. That
is why it’s important that you control what your body is conveying.
Even though your mind is thinking, “omg this woman is amazing
I can see myself spending the rest of my life with her” your body
should not say the same. You should exercise your ability to be coy
and mysterious. That way you increase your chances of keeping
things on the upswing. Seduction is a game made more interesting
when two people play. Your over eagerness reduces her role and
simultaneously makes you look small.
To counter this impression, use your arms is to open yourself up
and make yourself look big. That will communicate confidence, an
openness to play, and will act as a cure for desperation. You also
want to open up your posture in an attempt to invite a woman in
closer to you. So that means not crossing your arms.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
14
Think about the power pose. The power pose, as you know, is
a pose that you hold for two minutes before you head into a
situation in which you want to be perceived as being powerful and
confidence. This pose is to make yourself big, imitate superman for
two minutes, in private, before you enter into
a date where you want to come off as
confident. Amy Cuddy, a professor at
the Harvard Business School, in
her TED talk makes some very
enlightening remarks. Her
research has proven that when
we make ourselves physically
big, we begin to change how
other people perceive us. Just
as important, it also slowly
changes how we see ourselves
through others perceptions. So
use this pose before your date. And
most importantly, be open. Don’t cross
your arms when you’re sitting across the
table from your date. If there is a chair next to you,
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
15
open up and rest an arm on the chair next to you while you listen to
your date. And lean into her. Just like Tim is doing now.
Now, I want to shift our attention to touch. Touch is a magnetic
component of dating and it’s extremely important to start
implementing on the first date. Like I mentioned earlier, I think it’s
always a good start to open the date with a hug. That way you’re
foreshadowing the fact that later on you will bridge
the gap of space between you two again.
There are two components to touch and
they are how you touch yourself when
you’re around your date to indicate
that you are interested in her, and
how you touch her to increase her
attraction for you.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
16
COSMIC CONNECTION
Touching yourself:
In bird culture, there is a term called preening. This is when a bird
straightens and cleans his/her feathers with his/her beak. Preening,
in dating culture, has a similar performance value. For both men
and women, preening is fixing and adjusting their appearance in
preparation to present one’s best self.
For men, you’re preening generally looks like you combing your
fingers through your hair, fixing your tie, adjusting your pants, shirt,
or jacket.
Why do people preen? People typically preen to show the most
attractive version of themselves in hopes that they will attract the
opposite sex. Preening is part of the mating game in most land
based species.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
17
Touching her:
One of the most important things that you should do on a date
is to touch a girl. Start to make physical contact a normal thing.
Touch increases physical intimacy. When your date progresses, it’s
important that you make the effort to make physical contact.
Some ways to go about it are as you’ll see Tim
demonstrate. He wants to show Ericka
this cute old couple who are kissing
and dancing in the middle of the
restaurant, so he places his hand on
her arm in an attempt to grab her
attention and then he directs by
touch to look to her left and see
this cute old couple.
That’s one way to touch. Or if you’re
sitting side by side, you can place
your hand on her thigh to grab her
attention as well.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
18
There are so many things that you can do. You can brush
something off of her sleeve, or out of her hair. You can lean in and
whisper something secretive to her and use your hand to pull her in
so that she doesn’t miss a word of your whisper. The key here is to
touch, not grope. A gentle touch, for just a moment, is the perfect
prelude to a later physical intimacy.
You could even high five her if you want to
start slow. Just create occasions to touch
her and you will see how quickly she
then touches you back and how
rapidly the attraction can build
between you. Her response will
also indicate her interest in you, for
there are some specific ways to tell
when a woman is interested in you
without her stating it blatantly, and
that is through her IOIs.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
19
INDICATORS OF INTEREST
Her indicators of interest are not very different from yours. In fact,
you can tell she’s feeling you with these indicators:
• She overtly leans into the conversation and nods. If this
occurs, then she’s interested and engaged and wants to hear
more from you, which is why she’s leaned in and she’s nodding
in hopes that you continue to talk and share with her.
• She’s making strong eye contact. She likes what she’s looking at.
Another positive sign is if her pupils dilate when looking at you.
Our pupils dilate when we see something pleasing as the act of
dilation allows us to view/ take in more of this pleasing sight.
• Her feet are pointed towards you. This indicates that she’s
invested and her attention is focused on you and is not of trying
to exit the date.
• Preening. When we suck in our stomachs, flex our muscles, fixes
her hair or dress, etc. shows that she’s preparing herself for an
encounter with the opposite sex.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
20
• Emphasizing her breasts. Straightening her back pushing her
breasts forward.
• This is an essential part of courtship in that it reveals how
available a woman is. She’s preparing herself to be viewed as
attractive by you.
On the other hand, there are some indicators of disinterest. They
are as follows:
• Not listening. Asking, “pardon?” or “what was that again?”
• On her phone. If she’s unable to put her phone down and have a
conversation with you, that means she’s not very interested.
• Not making eye contact. This can be a nervous habit, but if
the girl looks relaxed yet she’s still not making eye contact, and
she’s scanning the room, that could mean that she’s just not
interested in the date. And she is rejecting the conversation.
• Yawning. She is bored with you and the scene in which she is in.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
21
These are not the most ideal ones, but they happen. And when they
do, they indicate that you are not performing well. And If you want
to increase your chances of this date ending in a kiss, focus on the
body language techniques that we discussed and you’ll see that you
won’t find many indicators of disinterest.
Finally, it is important to remember that you are
auditioning for a part in a woman’s life.
You’re trying to make an emotional
connection, one that can transform
into a physical and possibly a sexual
one. The challenge is to persuade
her that we’re are the right person
for the part, that we are confident
in playing the role of her lead man,
the love of her life. And the best way
that you can show this is if you have a
solid relationship with yourself.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
22
Confidence, not arrogance, is like a cologne that permeates all
aspects of your life and being. It isn’t about bragging and flexing,
it’s about being open and vulnerable, but confident in that
vulnerability. The first step is to go into this with a mindset that it’s
ok to be real, to be yourself. However, it’s also learning how to use
your body in order present the real you in its most attractive form.
You now have that knowledge and the next step
to success is to put it into practice – and
that is where the dating begins.
SCENARIO #2 THE DATE
23