Have You Read This Harvard Negotiator’s Handbook? — Getting More by Stuart Diamond Page 1 of 48
Have You Read This Harvard
Negotiator’s Handbook? — Getting
More by Stuart Diamond
Detailed book notes
Sarah Cy Follow
May 14 · 37 min read
Getting more (Amazon affiliate link)
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About Getting More
Getting More is a summary of the negotiation strategies Pulitzer prize-winning
reporter and negotiation teacher Stuart Diamond has honed over the years
around the world. In the book, which is based on his negotiation course,
Diamond goes in detail through his 4-quadrant, 15-step Getting More system
that works in every negotiation — the official and the unofficial ones.
Some of his nuggets of wisdom include: “people who are emotional stop
listening,” and “you must negotiate based on your understanding of the pictures
in the other person’s head.”
This book is lengthy, but filled with real life examples of students and friends
who have used Diamond’s techniques to literally get more — more money, more
perks and benefits, more opportunities in their careers and their lives.
Chapter 1. Thinking Differently
Negotiation is at the heart of human interaction…those who are more conscious of
the interactions around them get more of what they want in life.
Theere are 6 negotiation techniques:
1. Be dispassionate. Emotions destroy negotiations.
2. Prepare, collect your thoughts, even if it’s only a few seconds.
3. Find the decision maker.
4. Focus on your goals, not on who’s right
5. Make human contact
6. Acknowledge the other party’s position and power
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Emotions and perceptions are far more important than power and logic in dealing
with others.
This book includes 12 major strategies for negotiation:
1. Goals are paramount
2. It’s about them: You can’t persuade people unless you know what’s in their
heads.
3. Make emotional payments: When people are irrational, they’re emotional
and they can’t listen or be persuaded. You must use empathy
4. Every situation is different: There’s no one-size fits all.
5. Incremental is best: People often fail by asking too much at once.
6. Trade things you value unequally: Find out what each party cares about and
trade things one person cares about but the other doesn’t.
7. Find their standards: What are their policies, precedents, etc.
8. Be transparent and constructive, not manipulative: Don’t deceive people. Be
yourself.
9. Always communicate, state the obvious, frame the vision: most bad
negotiations come from bad communication.
10. Find the real problem and make it an opportunity: Few find the real
nderlying problem in negotiations. Find out why the other is acting the way
they are.
11. Embrace differences: Different is good, it’s profitable, creative.
12. Prepare — make a list and practice with it: list the collection of negotiation
strategies, tools, models.
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• Tip: common enemiess bring parties closer and make negotiation easier. It’s
why people complain about the weather. That’s why you could say “how
about this snow?” “how do you feel about the heat?” etc
The field of Negotiation was created by lawyers in 1975, focused on resolving
conflicts. But it didn’t focus on upsides of negotiation. In the 1990s, economists
developed more strategies, but were still incomplete because it depended on
people being rational.
What this book is not
People don’t want relationships with those who try to force them to do things
against their will.
A new definition of negotiation
Negotiation, persuasion, communication, selling all have the same process.
Forcing people to do what you want is the least optimal choice becauses it’s not
as profitable or effective as other options.
Getting people to think what you want them to think through rational “interestbased negotiation” is better, but in the real world, people are often irrational.
The more important the negotiation, the less this works.
Getting people to perceive what you want them to means you look at the world
the way they do. Misperception causes communication breakdowns all the time.
Getting people to feel what you want them to means tapping into their
irrationality. This is most powerful.
Goals
Never take your eyes off the goal. Don’t worry about win-wins or “getting to
yes,” etc. Write down your goals sand remind yourself. The more specific your
goals, the better.
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Think about others’ goals as much as your own.
Mathematician and Nobel prize winner John Nash mathematically proved
Rousseau’s 1755 theory that when parties collaborate, the overall size of the pie
almost always expands.
You — your attitude, credibility, transparency
When you come to a negotiating expecting something, that’s what you’ll get.
Be yourself better. People appreciate it when people arre straight with you. You
can warn them ahead of time if you’re too aggressive or accommodating. If
you’re not getting along in a negotiation, might as well say it. Name the gorilla in
the room.
Negotiation is not about getting the best of someone, but getting more.
Small steps
Big, bold moves often scare people away. Small steps do more, especially when
the two parties arre far apart.
The difference between success and failure is…
two millimeters — Jan Carlson
Implementing the strategies and tools
Practice the negotiation tools, even in small cases, because you are using that to
practice for the big ones.
Be polite, but firm. When you hear no, ask “why not?”
Chapter 2. People Are (Almost) Everything
A negotiation is about people. And people give things to others who listen to
them and value them.
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You need to know the picturers in their heads. First, take the person’s emotional
and situational temperature.
Less than 10% of the reason people reach agrerement has to do with the
substance of the negotiation and more than 50% has to do with people.
Part of the reason why OJ Simpson’s case turned out the way it did was because
the jury didn’t like or trust the persecutor. So the persecutor’s arguments fell on
deaf ears.
Credibility matters. One thing that helped George W Bush win the election in
2004 was his saying
“Even when we don’t agree at least you know
what I believe and where I stand.”
If you’re having issues with another party talking about issues, stop and go back
to people and fix those problems first.
The human connection
Even if you don’t know them, or you dislike them, making a human connection will
usually get them to help you meet your goals.
Most people complain and think of themselves, not the other. You can be
different. Also, focus on the INDIVIDUALS in the group, not the culture, religion,
race, etc.
Third parties
Negotiate with people, not companies. There are almost always at least 3 people
in a negotiation, even if only 2 are there. The third may be a “ghost of the past,”
a spouse, colleagues, friends, boss, etc.
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To influence someone, don’t think only about that one person, but who is
important to that one person.
Valuing the other party
One of Diamond’s students started a conversastion with a harried salesclerk by
apologizing for everyone else’s bad behavior. He was the only one nice to her, so
he got a “nice guy discount” of $50 when he asked for it.
A key to getting other people to give you what
you want is to value the other party.
Understanding the pictures in the other guy’s head is the single most important
thing you can do to persuade them. When you value others, they give you stuff.
But you have to mean it.
Practice focusing on the other party quickly — their needs and perceptions.
Curiosity about others leads to business.
How to find out about others: make small talk. Be interested in them. It’s a way
of life.
People who work in service industries are often treated like servants. If you treat
them with dignity, they’ll be grateful.
Finding and acknowledging their power
Value people’s position, capability, or perception. When they have little power,
give them more by acknowledging what they have. It makes them want to help
you.
If someone lashes out at you, assume it’s because they had a bad day, and say
you’re sorry they’re having a bad day.
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Also, find the DECISION-MAKER. Don’t waste time negotiating with someone
with no power. Ask what the process looks like, who makes decisions?
Also: give them the problem: use empathy or ask for help. Involving people in
your problems makes them feel empowered.
Trust
Trust is the feeling of security that the other person will protect you.
Trust requires honesty, being straight with people. This emotional commitment
to each other based on mutual respect, ethics, good feelings, develops slowly
over time.
Trust is good, but you don’t always need trust for successful negotiations. You
can use a mechanical substitute to give them an incentive not to cheat. You need
COMMITMENT. But you need the commitment in the way THEY make it — a
contract? A handshake?
Make sure you collect lots of info (due diligence) on them, ask for rdetails, test
everything, use trusted third parties.
If it’s more profitable for them to cheat than be honest, change incentives.
Remember, even the PERCEPTION of cheating can destroy negotiations and
relationships. If you lose trust, you can gain it back with hard work, but you
must frame it in terms of a “second chance” and use an incremental process.
You can move even the most difficult people a
long distance by figuring out who they are,
valuing them, and giving them even a little
more control.
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Chapter 3. The Biggest Cause of Negotiation Failure:
Misperception and Miscommunication
The single biggest cause of communication failure is misperception. Two people see
the same picture, but each sees a different part.
We all have different values, emotional make ups, and are influenced by
different people.
The perception gap
Diamond talked about a client who realized he and his colleagues defined the
word “marketing” differently. One leaned closer to “sales,” the other thought
“strategy.”
Even the most ordinary words are open to
interpretation.
Fundamental attribution error: you assume everyone else reacts to things the
way you do.
Others’ perceptions are more important than your proposals, if you want to
persuade them.
Closing the perrception gap
“Where are you going? I’m going to NYC” will be heard more often than “I’m
going to NYC. Where are you going?”
When you ask someone for their perceptions
first, you value them, so they are then much
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more interested in listening to what you have to
say.
It’s useless to interrupt someone because when you do, the tapes of what they
were saying are still playing in their minds and they won’t hear you.
What you must do first in a negotiation is get
them READY to listen to you.
Don’t start with facts. Facts are <10% of reaching an agreement. Rationality
doesn’t speak to most people in the world. Start with “is the person ready to
listen to me?” Understand the pictures in their heads, their perceptions and
feelings, how they see you adn the rest of the world.
Learn THEIR perceptions, don’t explain yours. Do this by asking questions.
In a negotiation, questions are far more
powerful than statements.
Ex: “This isn’t fair” → “Do you think this is fair?”
Note: You can use the Columbo tactic: “Help me out here, I’m confused…”
Remember also: negotiations are very sensitive to exact wording. Diamond is
“forever asking people to tell him where he’s wrong.” God, not the devil, is in the
details. Precision matters.
The communications gap and how to fix it
Basic components of effective communication
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1. Always communicate
2. Listen and ask questions
3. Value, don’t blame people
4. Summarize often
5. Do role reversal
6. Be dispassionate
7. Articulate goals
8. Be firm without damaging the relationship
9. Look for small signals
10. Discuss perceptual differences
11. Find out how they make commitments
12. Consult before deciding
13. Focus on what you can control
14. Avoid debating who’s right
First things first: you MUST communicate
Not talking is weakness. Talking is strength. This goes against conventional
wisdom, but it’s true.
Unless I have some form of a relationship with
you, I am not going to willingly give you
anything.
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Their words and perceptions are more important than yours
What they say > what you say.
Most people persuade themselves by talking.
If someone insults/threatens you, correct response: “Tell me more.”
Value them, don’t blame them
Blame reduces motivation/performance. Praise increases both.
Summarize what you are hearing
Sum up what you think you hear frequently, play it back to the other side in your
words. Don’t assume they understand you the same way you understand
yourself.
Summarizing also allows you to frame info and give perspective. Framing paints
a picture.
Ex: Lori wanted a lower APR on her card (17.9%) and said another company
was offering (11.6%). Whehn the service rep refused, she said “So you’re telling
me I should transfer my balance from your card with 17.9% to the other
company offering me 11.6%?” She got the reduction.
Role reversal
Putting yourself in the other’s shoes is one of the most important ideas. Think
about what they need and how you can help them.
One of Diamond’s student, an MBA, wanted to get a higher salary and asked for
help. Diamond asked him what his goals were. He mentioned wanting to
differentiate himself from others and be mentored by the VP so he could rise
faster in the company.
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“Then how doesasking for more money differentiate you?” Diamond pointed
out. The student saw his point, put himself in the VP’s shoes, then offered to help
the VP with a major task. He got a raise and a fast track to the top of the
company.
It’s always a good idea to see if your actions are
meeting your goals.
People are often unable to express their feelings, you have to find out what’s
really behind what they say. Find out more about them, put yourself in their
shoes.
Even when you’re wrong, people appreciate the effort you make to try
understanding them. Practice being the other side.
Be dispassionate
When someone insults you “You’re an idiot!” the answer is “Why do you think
I’m an idiot?”
This gets you information, which everyone needs in a negotiation.
State and restate your goals
Goal setting isn’t just done at the beginning, but must be checked frequently.
Are you all on the same page? Are your actions consistent with your goals? Is
thehre new info to consider?
Tone and emails
Email is a terrible communication form because it has no tone, like tofu it takes
on the flavor of whatever the recipient feels at the moment.
To minimize problems with email:
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• Add tone: “Please hear this email as [emotion: friendly, sad, frustrated, etc]
• Read the email as the other person would in their worst mood. Most emails
seem more aggressive than intended.
• Never send an email bassed on first reactions.
• Do a role reversal. Mention something relevant to them first (Hope you
recovered from your cold. Heard you had a lot of snow)
• Keep it short! Anything longer, enclose as an attachment with a time frame
(at your convenience…next few days)
• If you HAVE to send an email while in a bad mood, say so “I’m in a bad
mood, so please forgive the tone”
• Use humor if you have the same sense of humor.
Approximate the other person’s communication style as closely as possible.
You’re not mimicking, you’re translating for them.
Pay attention to signals
Most people give you the means to perrsuade
them if you watch and listen carefully. Too
often, we don’t notice enough about others.
Noticing signals of all sorts — verbal and
nonverbal — provides much information that
can be used for persuasion.
Ex: If someone says “I can’t do it for you now,” ask “When can you do it?” or
“Who else can?”
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If someone says, “this is our standard contract,” ask “Have you ever made an
exception?”
If they say “we never negotiate on price,” ask “What DO you negotiate on?”
Japanese companies often bring teams to meetings to watch and listen to the
other side. Afterwards, the team gets together to compare notes.
Find out how they make commitments
Different people and cultures use different methods to commit. Contracts,
handshakes, verbal agreements, etc. Know which one you’re dealing with.
Consult before deciding
If you make a decision without consulting everyone it affects, you alienate
people, and you’ll miss out on good ideas.
Yesterday is gone
Fighting over what happened yesterday won’t get you anywhere in a
negotiation.
It’s no use assigning blame. Don’t argueover who’s right.
One cannot tell anyone anything unless they are
ready to hear it. — A Passage to India
Chapter 4. Hard Bargainers and Standards
Using other people’s standards is a highly persuasive way to achieve your goals.
These aren’t objective standards, they are the criteria the other party thinks is
fair, promises they have made.
Invoking others’ standards usuallyl works magically.
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The power of standards
Standard: practice, policy, reference point that gives a decision legitimacy. Ex: a
previous promise, guarantee, statement, such as company policy.
Ex: Diamond once had a student who needed to hear about his law school
acceptance earlier. He advised the student to find all of the school’s standards
then write the dean of admissions a letter saying “here’s your standard — here’s
how I met it,” and end with “Tell me where I’m wrong here?” The student got his
admittance early.
Using standards
Point out the person or group’s standards or policies, then ask “how does that
compare to this situation?”
Using standards is transparent, not manipulative.
They can sometimes be used to hurt people, as Chinese officers in North Korea
brainwashed US POWs to break their morale and criticize their own country (by
getting them to admit “the US isn’t perfect” and building on that).
Compromise is often an ineffective, lazy way to negotiate. Standards are more
effective.
If the other person doesn’t want to answer your standards question, ask them if
there’s something wrong with the question (makes answering questions a
standards issue).
Being incremental
Break a negotiation into multiple steps so the other doesn’t have to make a big
jump which is too risky. You need to build a foundation to persuade people to go
to the next step.
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You need to go far back enough in a negotiation, starting with what’s familiar
and proceeding from there:
“Do you want to reach an agreement…make a profit…make customers happy?”
How to negotiate incrementally: Five Easy Pieces (1970) movie:
A customer asks for a side of toast with dinner. The waitress says they don’t
serve toast, so he orders a chicken salad sandwich on toast, then asks her
successively to hold the mayo, butter, lettuce, and chicken.
Framing
Framing is the key to standards and successful negotiation.
Framing: packaging or presenting info using specific words that gives the other
party insight about what’s actually going on, persuading them to act differently.
Negotiation is sensitive to exact words used.
Ex: OJ Simpson’s trial used the motto “if it doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”
You can frame an issue by asking questions like “does this business stand by its
word?” “Is it your goal to make customers happy?”
The key is to ask yourself “What’s really going on here.”
Great negotiators have a firm grasp of the
obvious.
Story example: Lina was invited to sign up for an American Express card that
offered 5K free miles. But she was told she didn’t qualify because she was
already a customer.
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She then asked who to talk to about Amex’s worldwide advertising, because
their motto was: “membership has its privileges,” but her experience showed
that being a NON member had more privileges.
She had reframed the situation and she got her miles.
Setting standards
It helps to have a genenral rule at the start of the process. If you try to set
standards later to benefit you, you look manipulative.
Even simple meetings need an agenda.
Start with easy things. Even if it’s just logistical, it’s not trivial.
If you don’t know what the other’s standards are, ASK. Ask the criteria they use
to decide raises/bonuses. If they won’t say, tell them you can’t meet their needs
unless you know what they want from you.
Asking standards respectfully shows that you value people.
Diamond once had to ask an Amex rep for a favor, and when he was tempted to
yell at the rep, he stopped himself and said “I bet people scream at you all day
long…and threaten to cancel their cards.”
When she confirmed, he asked: “What do you do in such a case?” And “Have you
ever [made an exception in a case like mine?”
When she said yes, he asked “When?” and she said, “When they apologize, thank
me, promise never to do it again, and are nice to me.”
He then ssaid: “I apologize for being late, would thank you if you’d help out, and
promise never to do it again. And I think you’re a nice person.” She laughed and
restored his miles.
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With well-placed questions, you can control the meeting: “What are our goals
here?” “What’s the problem?” If you offer to write these on the board, you can
eventually control the meeting.
Naming bad behavior
It’s one step from naming standards to naming bad behavior. Someone who
behaves badly violates the standards of his society/company/organization.
You can name bad behavior directly, with humor, or in many other ways.
One woman who worked in a male-dominated company was repeatedly
interrupted by another male VP. Then he walked out in the middle of her
sentence as she was talking to the CEO.
She later caught up to him and said: “Let me ask you a question.” When he said,
“Yes,” she asked: “What were you thinking when you walked away in the middle
of a sentence when I was talking to the CEO? What were your goals? What kind
of relationship did you want to have with me? Would you have done that if I
were a man?”
Great negotiators have a firm grasp of the
obvious, and they say it.
So be direct about naming bad behavior. “Is it necessary for you to shout at me?”
“I promise to try hard never to interrupt you. May I have the same
consideration?”
Being nice doesn’t work in all negotiatioins. If you’re swimming with sharks, you
need to name the bad behavior and NEVER make yourself the issue, or else you
are also being unreasonable. (Eg, don’t say “Don’t call me a jerk, you jerk!”)
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The meaner they get, the calmer you must
become. This is one of the few tools against
which there is no defense.
Put all the (negative) focus on them. They’ll drive themselves off a cliff. This was
Gandhi’s and MLK Jr’s method.
It may take tact to confront people. If someone tries to take credit for your idea
in a meeting, for instance, you can start with a compliment: “That’s excellent!
When I brought up this idea I was hoping someone else would endorse it, glad
we agree!”
Practice framing questions with embedded standards: “What’s fair here?” “How
do we decide?” “Is it your goal to make customers happy?”
Don’t get upset when people violate their own standards. Just celebrate because
when you call them out, they owe you a concession. Train yourself to do thihs,
you’ll get more. Focus on your goals.
Ex: Ben once tried to buy a battery for his camcorder. The salesman quoted him
a price 4x the usual and he sweetly asked “Why is the price four times normal?”
when the salesman dropped it to $100, Ben asked, “Why did you drop the price
so much? You must be trying to gouge me.”
When the price went down to $55, Ben asked for the manager and said: “Is it
your policy to quote 4x the price to a customer?” The manager reduced the price
to $50 and threw in a free case for his hassles.
If YOU do something wrong and people try to exact a big penalty from you, you
can use framing: “So how much do you want to hurt me for this?”
Wrap-up: Your competitive attitude
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When you’re competing in sports, you’re not suspposed to think of winning. You
should be focused on the ball, the stroke, the “minutest details of your craft.”
It’s the same with competitive negotiation.
Focus on this:
• What are my goals?
• What standards should I use?
• What are their needs?
• Can I invoke any common enemies?
• Can I form a vision of a relationship?
• Who is their decision maker?
Before negotiating, strategize and perpare. Then focus and execute your strategy
dispassionately.
In competitive life, there are two kinds of
people: those who are qualified, and those who
try to steal from those who are qualified.
Don’t take cheating personally. Lower your expectations of others
trustworthiness and you’ll never be disappointed, only pleasantly susrprised.
Chapter 5. Trading Items of Unequal Value
Trading items of unequal value causes the overall pie to increase.
How it works
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The thing you trade can be small in return for a big benefit.
Increase the value of the other person’s life even marginally, and that’s all is
needed to succeed in a competitive world.
You aren’t constrained by the negotiation subject itself. The entire world is at
your disposal to get an agreement.
Intangibles
Intangibles: things besides money that are valuable to others. Kids trade
intangibles often — toys, food, etc.
Don’t just think out of the box. There is no box. Think broadly about goals, and
the pictures in nthe heads of others.
Needs
The world is full of irrational people. You need to know their emotional and
irrational needs. The more you find out about the other party, the more
persuasive you’ll become in a negotiation.
Intangibles are more important than most people think.
Getting the information
If the other side won’t tell you what they want, GUESS. If you guess wrong, they
will often correct you.
In every meeting, find out as much as you can about the individuals at the
meeting.
Expanding the pie
With hard bargainers, offer to show third parties how to expand the pie.
Address needs and intangibles first, and make proposals later.
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Focus on this question:
What costs you nothing that gives me what I
want, and what costs me nothing that gives you
what you want?
Good negotiators aren’t smart. They’re good at seeing the future, because they
prepare.
Ex: Brad Oberwager of Sundia, which produces fruit cups, offered 10 of the top
watermelon growers a part of his business if they’d let him put Sundia stickers
on their melons.
Store owners saw the stickers for 2 years. Then Brad started making sales calls to
the stores to sell his fruit cups. Overnight, they took a third of the market.
Linkages
Link things that are not necesssarily related by issues, time, or other parameters:
“if you do this for me now, I”ll do something for you later.”
If you thtink broadly about what you can trade, you make your relationship
better.
Even in a hostile situation, you can try to expand the pie. If someone says “I’m
gonna wreck your business,” your answer should be: “okay, but can we make
more money in some other way?”
Too many people are defensive, accusatory, or argumentative rather than
focusing on how to get more. “Why fight when we can profit together?”
A change in attitude
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Think more about the upside than the downside when you look at problems.
Always think what kind of opportunity you can make out of each problem?
Don’t worry about leverage or advantage unless it’s a hard-bargaining situation.
Frame otherr’s sneeds in a way that meets your goals.
The more things are on the table at a negotiation, the easier the negotiation is
because you have more items of unequal value to trade.
People assume that others play their hand close to the vest, but if you try to
figure out the other party’s needs and let them know you’re trying to meet their
needs, they will talk nonstop.
This isn’t rocket science — just asking people about their needs and goals,
finding out the intangibles that they care about, and focusing on the upside.
Diamond once needed a heart surgery and he picked out his ideal surgeon. The
man was busy and didn’t know him, so he started researching the surgeon, then
emailed him with the point of connection he found. He made the surgeon
understand that he didn’t just “dash off a letter” but had studied and tried to
understand his life work.
Then he and his family looked for connections to the doctor’s colleagues, and
eventually got him to do the surgery. The doctor later said he was willing to cut
short his vacation to work on Diamond because he was one of the few patients
willing to make a personal connection by asking about his research.
No product or service is ever just a
“commodity” as long as you make sure that you
key on the personal connection.
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Chapter 6. Emotion
Emotional payments: directly addressing the person’s emotional issues and
showing that they are understood.
Emotional people stop listening, are unpredictable, and can’t focus on their
goals.
Empathy: when one is focused on the feelings of the other.
Never falsify emotions to manipulate others. If someone does it to you, never
deal with them again.
When peoeple are mad at you, they may do things for spite. Use empathy and
consult others to avoid angering them.
Emotional people carre less about getting a deal than about hurting the other.
Even positive emotions which increase creativity can create negotiations at a
fever pitch that is risky. You want calm, stable negotiations with warm feelings
and solid judgment.
Emotion-producing tactics
Threats are the least effective strategies. Because threats = loss of face =
resistance. That’s why “take it or leave it” hurts negotiations.
If you do issue a threat, make it a collaborative threat: Instead of “if you don’t
lower your price, I’m going to someone else” try “I like you guys and have been
with you for some time but your competitors are offering us more value. We
want to stay with you. What shsould we do?”
The threat is inherent, but you are asking for their help with a relationship based
frame. You GAVE them the problem and reduced the emotion and improved the
result.
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Controlling emotion
Sometiimes you can admit emotion and say to the other “I’m feeling emotional
now, sos I might not mean everything I say.”
Don’t let others anger y ou and manipulate you into taking the focus off your
goals.
Diamond once saw two attorneys outside a courthouse, and one was screaming
at the other. When he finished, the attorney just said in a light voice “Good try!”
which destsroyed the outburst’s effectiveness.
Use concessions, apologies, and empathy to make emotional payments and
create trust. Avoid extreme statements, use third parties.
To persuade people you must increase their ability to listen, calm them down, be
their emotional confidante.
When people feel devalued, they get MORE emotional. Empathize with them. “I
don’t want you to solve my problems; I just want you to listen to them.”
Anything that valuess their emotions is an emotional payment.
It could be a compliment, touch, just listening, depends on the person.
To know what the other would consider an emotional payment, focus on the
pictures in their heads. How do they view the world? What are their
needs/perceptions? HOw do they like to hear things framed? Do they need
concessions?
One way to get people away from emotionalism is to get them talking about
themseslves. Guesss at what bothers them.
Ex: Mark was once waiting for a parking spot in a rough neighborhood. When
the car pulled out, another car cut him and took the space. The driver looked
dangerous, but Mark got out to speak to him, treating him like an acquaintance
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and said “You probably didn’t see me waiting but would you allow me to have
this space? I was hoping not to look bad in front of my wife.”
He gave them an emotional payout in the form of a chance to be magnanimous.
Once a stsudent was held up at gunpoint. He told the robber “I’m not worth
wasting your gun on, you’re the boss” and “we all know those SOBs in the
bureaucracy gives everyone a hard time over this stuff.” By empathizing with the
mugger, he got his driver’s license and ID back and let go.
If you can’t get through to one group, look for third parties you can appeal to.
Make your tone one of tryring to understand the situation, not accusatory. ASK
for things, don’t TELL people to do things.
Deadlines and emotional time limits often hurt people emotionally.
Personal style
Ask yourself which person on your team is most likely to get the other party to
meet your goals? The more powerful people are less likely to pay attention to the
other side’s needs and they won’t expand the pie.
Common negotiators:
• Assertive: When people sense you don’t care about them, you’ll get less out
of a negotiation.
• Collaborative: These people tend to be more creative at pie expansion. They
have to be careful to be incremental with people of uncertain
trustworthiness.
• Compromising: Compromisers settle and get less. They prefer speed over
quality and don’t gete more.
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• Avoiding: They meet no one’s goals, and often get nothing. In every day life
you generally want to engage others.
• Accommodating: Tend to be great listeners, but may sacrifice their own
goals.
Ethics
Ethics: a system of behavior where people are supposed to treat each other
fairly. It depends on culture and perception.
Ask questions before you assume something is unethical. Diamond once worked
with an Israeli economic consul who canceled an investment in a Kazakh factory
because the Kazakh inspectors asked for $600 in bribes.
They were offended, until Diamond pointed out that the inspectors only earned
$12 a month and wanted an increase in their salary of $8 each because they
needed a job and didn’t know how to ask.
This is fundamental attribution error: we assume others have the same
experiences, thoughts, and perceptual framework as we.
Bribes are when you pay someone to do something they’re already being paid to
do, not when they will do something more.
Don’t lie. If an interviewer asks if you have other offers and you don’t, just say “I
have other opportunities I’m actively pursuing.”
Chapter 7. Putting It All Together: The ProblemSolving Model
The Getting More Model/Four Quadrant Model is essential to getting more.
Quadrant I — Problems & Goals
1. Goals: short and long term
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2. Problems: in reaching goals
3. Parties: list. decision maker, counterpart, third parties.
4. What if no deal? Worst case?
5. Prep: time, relative prep, who has more info?
Quadrant II — Situation Analysis
6. Needs/Intangibles: rational, emotional, shared, conflicting, unequally valued
7. Perceptions: Pictures in the head of each party, role reversal, culture, trust,
conflicts, relationships, emotion
8. Communication: style, frequency, method
9. Standards: theirs, norms.
10. Reexamine goals: modify steps 1–9 as needed.
Quadrant III — Options/Risk Reduction
11. Brainstorm: Options to meet goals, needs. What to trade/link?
12. Incremental: Steps to reduce risk
13. Third parties: Common enemies, influencers
14. Framing: To create a vision, develop questions to ask
15. Alternatives: To deal if necessary.
Quadrant IV — Actions
16. Best options: Priorities, dealbreakers, giveaways.
17. Who presents: How and to whom?
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18. Process: Agenda, deadlines, time management.
19. Commitments: Incentives, especially for them.
20. Next steps: Who does what?
Getting More Model
Quadrant I sets the stage on which you negotiate.
Steps 1+2 are half of what’s important — figuring out your goals and the real
problem in meeting it.
You may think your goal is “I have to go to Chicago for an interview” and the
problem is that flights are canceled due to snow. But your REAL underlying goal
is you want a job at X company and the real problem is they need more info on
you to make a decision.
You need to get to the root problem in each
case. You do that by continuing to ask yourself
“why” until you run out of answers.
Step 3 is about identifying key partiese in the negotiation. If you leave anyone
out, they may be annoyed you didn’t consult them. Consider also hidden third
parties.
Step 4 is about the WATNA — worst alternative to a negotiated agreement. It
shows the risks of not achieving an agreement.
Step 5, preparation, can’t be strerssed enough. Less preparation leads to over
emotionalism, less creativity, etc. Help the other side be prepared too. Getting
more is about being transparent, not manipulative.
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Quadrant II is about analyzing the situation, the pictures in the head of each
party.
Step 6 Needs/Intangibles is sabout rational and irrational long/short term etc.
This is about expanding the real value in the negotiation.
Goal: what you want at the end of a negotiation.
Needs: things important to you in reaching the goal or a better one.
Ex: Your need may be to make your family happy and your goal is a family
vacation. But maybe making them happy is not the only or even right goal.
Steps 7–9 are for surfacing more info to help you pinpoit issues and solutions.
Use role reversal — mentally putting yourself in othehrs’ shoes, to get a better
idea about them. Provide info to each other in a style that doesn’t get in the way.
Standards is about the criteria people use for their decisions.
The info collection procecss in steps 6–9 can be fluid.
Step 10 is where you take stock of what you’ve learned in the previous 9 steps.
Are your goals still realistic?
Quadrant III is about options and reducing risks. This is where you organize all
your info from Q I and II.
Studies show that some of the best, most
innovative ideas follow some of the silliest
suggestions.
So don’t criticize anyone’s idea until everyone runs out of ideas.
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The best way to have a good idea is to have a lot
of ideas. — Linus Pauling
Bad ideas can prompt ideaes (2006 British study “Why Bad Ideas Are a Good
Idea”)
Steps 12–14 help you improve your decision making process in prioritizing your
approach and choosing options.
Can you frame the info in a way that’s persuasive to the other person?
Step 15 is walking away (BATNA) you rarely need to use it. You should have
known if you need to walk away by step 4 or 10.
Use of power in negotiation is risky. Don’t see negotiation as trying to gain
power over others.
Quadrant IV: last steps, actions, helps you pick your best option and turn them
into commitments for all.
Sstep 17: Know how to present your proposal. Thihs depends on your audience.
Presentation is a more important part of
persuasion than most people realize.
Step 19 is on commitments. You must get a commitment from the other party in
the way THEY ake commitments.
Step 20 is follow up. What’s the next step, deadline? Who will do what?
When you use the Getting More model, you learrn
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1. The problem you start with is usually not the real problem. There’s often an
underlying problem lurking.
2. You will likely find more options for solutions than you thought you had.
3. You’ll have a better idea of the picturers in the heads of everyone, how they
differ, and what to do.
A huge advantage is doing a simulated negotiation with the Model beforehand.
Practice playing the other side to see what the process will look like.
The owner of the problem MUST play the OTHER side and try to make the
best case against himself.
This role reversal makes them really understand the other’s perceptions. Prepare
as the other side would prepare. Go throuh the Getting More Model answering
each item from the POV of the role you are playing.
Diamond once helped in a difficult Russian government dispute by having the
two parties debate in public…the other party’s side.
Diamond knew that they knew each other’s positions, but had no feel for the
other’s perceptions. By role playing each other’s position, they were able to
perceive it deeply enough to find an agreement.
The Model also reveals the weaknesses in one’s own position.
Chapter 8. Dealing With Cultural Differences
Our collective inability to deal effectively with
our differences is the root causes of almost all
human conflict since the beginning of time.
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What is diversity?
Differences may be less about race, religion, andn other externalities than you
think.
People’s psychological affiliation is much more
important than the way they look or the house
of worship they attend.
Culture: where people think they get their identity.
You need to first understand what culture people BELIEVE they belong to, or
else you dont’ know whhere to start persuading them. Don’t just deal with
superficial, physical differences. Worldviews, hopes, dreams, fears are mor
important.
Don’t rely on externalities. Do the work to find out if there’s a real connection.
The roots of stereotypes
Cultural stereotypes came from ignorance and fear. To remove them, start with:
There is no Them.
There are only people with individual perceptions.
In many cultures, relationship is critical, more than contracts. They need trust.
Steps to improvement
You need to ask people questions and listen to their answers. You have to mean
it.
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You need to acknowledge differences openly. Then start somewhere by agreeing
to something, no matter how trivial, like where people will sit, etc. Acknowledge
something you like about the other culture.
Remember: people don’t expect you to be like them, they know you aren’t. They
do expect respect.
Cultural fatigue: a sociological AND medical term. When you’ve made dozens of
accommodations daily to try to be like those around you in another culture. By 6
months, you’re physically exhausted.
The key is to NOT adjust, and just be yourself. Don’t try to be like them. Being
different adds value. You WANT people with different perceptions and
solutions.
The 3 most successful cities in the US are NYC, LA, and San Fran, the 3 most
diverse. For this to work, the environment must support differencecs. The more
differences are embraced, the better the economy.
Diverse are 3x better at producing high quality solutions to problems. Creativity
comes from clashing of different perceptions and experiences.
Standards and culture
You cacn use third parties, reframing standards to overcome cultural norms.
Sometimes learning another culture’s language fluently works against you
because people incorrectly assume you’re fluent in other cultural matters and
are less tolerant of mistakes.
Their real culture
Don’t assume what constitutes another culture.
Diamonnd once met a blind man who affiliated with the mensa society. He
didn’t relate to the blind community at all.
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Identify noises that mask similarities and insist on evidence to support all views.
Be incremental in suggestions. Consult before deciding. Use logical extremes
(the party that wins kills everyone on the other side) to get people to see the
undesirability of not figuring out a working plan.
Chapter 9. Getting More at Work
A woman once saved her job by volunteeringn to help other departments that
had nothing to do with her job description. When the people who hired her were
fired, she was next on the chopping block by the new management team. But the
people who she helped insisted that she stay, so she did.
In job interviews: this is the nicest potential employers will ever be to you. So
watch out!
The most important thing is to understand the other party and whoever
influences the other party.
Expanding relationships is essential in virtually
all job situations. The more you identify and
ally with the people who can help you, the
better position you are in.
In any company look for:
• People who’ve been there forever: They know where everything’s buried.
• PEople who have left: They’ve seen the company at its worst.
• IT people: learn to love them. You can’t do your job without them.
• Librarians: Excellent at research.
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• Cleaning staff: They see and hear a lot.
• Security guards: They can help you if you lost or forgot your pass or need
access help.
• Admin staff: Execs come and go but these guys are permanent.
• HR peopole: they have a lot of say in personnel issues.
Build your own coalition. Be incremental. Ask people about their jobs.
Specific successes
One of Diamond’s students got 12 consecutive final round interviews by
preparing: he ID’d key decision makes and collected specific info about his
interviewers.
He found people who knew or had recently left the firm, he asked about unfilled
needs. He tailored his resume to each firm and department and sent it to the
specific people with the biggest perceived need (HR, team leaders, department
heads), then role played with his wife. He anticipated 2/3 of the questions he
faced and showed how he met/exceeded standards and made human
connections.
Even in tough times you can get your foot in the door. Yi Zhang wanted a job at a
venture capital firm but didn’t have start up experience. He found out the
company wanted to know about internet phone tech, so he offered free
consulting.
Volunteers often become employees…”Even
after the door is closed, try a second and third
time…Provide them with a specific solution. It
takes time, but it works.”
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Be persistent but not pushy.
When you ask people about their fears, you often get the info you need to
persuade them.
Key negotiation skill: asking questions. Ask about the other sides’ goals and
needed skills first, then match your qualifications later.
Small talk is almost always big talk, even in job
situations.
Interviews
If someone asks you a question, answer it immediately and succinctly. Or let them
know what info you need to answer it. People hate it when others don’t answer their
questions…It’s a bad politician’s tactic: obfuscating, being evasive. You give the
signal that you have something to hide.
Asking job candidates to give examples of their reliability is more telling than
asking them about their best/worst experiences.
Standards
Standards are the law of an org. Reframing standards is key in the job market.
The real issue is not experience but skills.
Ask for specificities, don’t accept ambiguous answers.
Third parties
Allying with 3rd parties is important, especially if you don’t have enough
authority, persuasiveness on your own, credibility, connection to the decision
maker, or emotional distance from the situation.
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Incremental steps
You can’t get what you want immediately, but you can plot a course to get there
eventually.
Termination
Termination iss a negotiation opportunity. don’t get emotional or threaten. You
can ask to resign, for a nondisclosure agreement when later asked for references,
or to be an unpaid consultant for a while, have your phone line forwarded,
outplacement services, a letter of reference, severance packages, etc.
If you fit in a special category, invoke it (protected race or gender, women over
40, etc. Don’t be belligerent but bring it up and say you’ll sign a no-suit
agreement.”
Chapter 10. Getting More in the Marketplace
Diamond trains his students by making them go out and get a discount. Any
discount. In most cases, all you need is minimal preparation and the fortitude to
ask.
There is no one way or even 10 ways to buy and sell. There are a million ways,
depending on your goals, who the other is, and your chosen process.
Standards and framing
Traditionally, much marketplace negotiation is about prices and policies.
Standards is not the only thing you need. But you must master the tool to do
well.
In negotiation, NEVER make yourself an issue. If they are a jerk, you should not
be a jerk.
Applying standards also means asking for exceptions to stndards. But when you
do it, don’t ask in front of lots of people. But if you want them to MEET
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standards, do it in front of as many witnesses as possible to expose their
unfairness.
A big part of standards is asking a question in which a standard is embedded
(framing)
Companies often offer new customers better terms than existing customers. You
should key in on relationship and ask companies to prove relationship value. Be
friendly, mention loyalty, don’t be greedy.
ASK: Questions are more powerful than
statements.
If a company messes up something, you can ask “How can [company] restore my
confidence in the company?” Research their slogan, and give the problem back
to the company. Ask what they’ve done for others in the past.
Most people don’t ask. Asking questions puts more money in your pocket. Keep
asking until you find the real decision maker.
Make a s many personal connectionss as you can.
Trading and linkages
Providing things of value can include trading information, career advice, etc.
Companies will give discounts in return for longer term contracts. Pursue this
routinely.
Perceptions and risk
If you can reduce the other party’s perceived risk, you’ll usually get a better deal.
To get a good deal on a car, do your research. You can also negotiate down
credit card interest. Key in on somethhing the company values.
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Chapter 11. Relationships
You need to really WANT to form or hold onto a relationship. Many people in
busisness pretend they want a relationship, but their real aim is to use your
knowledge/connections to get ahead (confidencce game).
In business relationships: document
everything.
Keep notes of important meetings, what you did, what they did and said.
Ronald Reagan: Trust, but verify.
You negotiate in a real world, not an idealized one.
Using emotional payments in relationships
Threats push people apart, creating fear and desire for revenge. Rather, use an
emotional payment, something that makes the other feel better: empathy,
apology, concession.
Take whatever their moood or irrational words are at face value. People who
need emotional payments aren’t listening. They only hear messages that reonate
with their emotion. Don’t upset them more.
Looking for incremental solutions is most important in relationships.
Common enemies also put people in relationship against a third party — person,
group, thing, or idea. Weatherr, the traffic, etc. In business: loss of profit/time,
failure to keep good people, inability to capitalize on opportunities.
The common enemy must not be diverse.
Time is a valuable commodity. Always look for ways to get more time.
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Knowing them
Don’t assume you know what the other side is thinking. Ask. You might be
surprised.
You may have to help otheers to do the same with these tools. In nemotional
situations, they may not be able to help themselves.
You’ll never get a 100% success rate. This book is about Getting More not
Everything.
Details matter in negotiations.
Transactional relationships
These have no longer term element and are weaker than those created by
feelings/mutual benefits.
The less feelings in a relationship, the less people are coommitted to the
relationship. Feelings are stronger than contracts as levers.
Reember: every rerlationship in your life except in your family began as a
transaction. The more you look for relationships, the more likely some of them
will turn into long term relationships and you will get more.
Chapter 12. Kids and Parents
Kids are often better at negotiating than adults because they do it by instinct.
They notice carefully where adults are coming from and know their hot buttons.
“Just a little more, I love you Mommy, I’ll be a good girl” they focus on the other
party’s needs.
To negotiate with kids, you have to think and feel as they do.
Kids feel insecure as a rule because they rely on parents for everything. But if
you can increase their sense of power/security, they will give up a lot for it.
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Sadly, many parents do the oppsotie, threatening kids and making them feel less
secure.
Kids are willing to trade.
Think about your long term goals. It’s not just clean your room today, but
wanting kids to grow up successful and responsible.
If a kid has a fit, use questions. If they say “You’re mean!” Ask “Why?” If they
want a cookie: “Why a cookie? Why now?” You can guess, but it’s better to ask
them.
Kids may not be able to express themselves as well as adults, but they may notice
things more acutely than you do.
Listen to what kids have to say. Many parents do this badly. Pay attention to
them, look at them, give feedback. You’d never ignore an adult so why a kid? If
your kid doesn’t listen to you, it’s often because you don’t listen to them.
Your kids will grow up too. They won’t forget
how you treated them when they were young.
Kids who feel listened to and understood have better self esteem, are able to
think independently, have more social competence and decision making ability.
Consult your kids. Giving them choices, and a little control, helps a lot. Kids who
make their own decisions end up being more self motivated, creative, healthy
with more self esteem.
Showing your kids affection is an ABSOLUTE PRREREQUISITE to criticizing
them, so they know they still have your uconditional love.
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You can also role play with kids. They think it’s fun and it shows them another
perspective.
Giving kids extra responsibility is the key to dealing with them effectively. It’s
the cornerstonoe of all human behavior.
Showing kids that their actions don’t match their goals is a powerful tool. Train
kids to understannd actions and reactions. Call kids out on unacceptable
behavior, but do it calmly.
Talk explicitly about commitments. Parents think it’s hard to get kids to keep
commitments, but kids think that about parents.
To improve relationships with kids, ask them to teach you what they know. That
values them, and they’ll value you in return.
Chapter 13. Travel
Use a conscious, structured negotiation approach, don’t just shoot from the hip.
Persistence is VERY important in geteting more. Being a jerk gets you less overall
because airline and hhotel people write notes about you and it stays forever.
Details provide credibility. The more details you use, the more real your problem
seems, the more they wannt to help you.
You mustt be eproactive, not passive in travel snafus. Airlines and other travel
companies have all kinds of categories of discounts and perks.
You can also offer to send letters for an employee’s personal file. These can mean
a lot. The more you put a positive attitude toward your problem, the more help
you get.
Don’t threraten a business with ending the relationship unless they do xyz.
Instead, talk about the investment in the relationship.
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Marsha was once caught with undeclared merchandise. Marsha rerpeatedly
thanked the officer for doing her job, educating her about regulations and
keeping her from bigger problems in the future, and got a mere $33 fine.
Acknowledging the person’s power helps a lot.
The key is helping people fix their problems rather than blaminig them.
The harder you work, the luckier you get.
Eye contact alone can be nonverbal negotiation.
Chapter 14. Getting More Around Town
Being candid about what you want is a key to
success in business and in life in general.
Look for a solution that doesn’t blame anyone.
For many people, you have to paint a picture in their heads. It’s a key negotiation
tool. One guy who had mice in hiss apartment researched diseased mice and
sent the pictures to the landlord. He got the problem fixed immediately.
Chapter 15. Public Issues
<10% of the reason agreements fail has to do with the substance of the matter.
>90% has to do with the people and process.
Talking is important! If something bad happens, that’s when you need to talk
more, not go silent.
In too many public processes, there isn’t collaboration but winner takes all.
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Instead of sanctions, flooding the market may be a good idea. US hip hop and
rap spreads the messages of individuality to teens worldwide. It’s a big foreign
policy opportunity. “Hold your friends close and your enemies closer.”
Yesterday versus tomorrow: The right negotiators
Are parties fighting over yesterday or focused on improving tomorrow?
Choosing the right negotiator is key.
When people are hungry, they get angry easily, and this cycle of violence starts
young. People support terrorists because terrorists feed them. To counter
terrorism, feed hungry people better than terrorists do. That will motivate
moderates to turn in extremists.
The human mind is inventive. Human
institutions will never be able to cull the
constantly changing pieces of information from
smart people bent on hiding things
The more important a negotiation is to people, the more emotional it becomes.
Violence is expensive and doesn’t work well. Suicide bombers aren’t frightened
by death.
Chapter 16. How to Do It
Attitude: morale is important. Brainstorm the worst that can happen. If you can
stand it, you’ll be more confident. IF you can’t find someone else to do the
negotiation, prepare more, etc. Be mentally ready.
Preparation: is a confidence builder.
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Even in short negotiations, knkow SPECIFICALLY What you’re going to talk
about.
Start with easy things to give people a sense of progress as they agree on things.
If something surprises you, tkae a break immediately.
Use the right wording. Instead of “We don’t trust you,” ask: “How do we start to
trust one another?”
Don’t make the first offer if you don’t know the bargaining range. You’ll
negotiate against yourself. Narrow the bargaining range by asking questions.
Extreme offers
Extreme offers kill deals because it either devalues the other (too low) or makes
them give up (too high) and risks your credibility.
The power dynamic
Size isn’t always power. MLK Jr inspired millions.
Ask these questions:
• What are our needs?
• What criteria should we use to evaluate options?
• What can we do now, medium term, long term?
• Who do we need to help us? (3rd party)
• How can we make a commitment that sticks?
• Who doess what before our next meeting?
Get your own copy of Getting More on Amazon (affiliate link)
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