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BECOMING A SAFE
PLACE: HOW TO BE
A FRIEND WHO
HELPS
Sep 8, 2021 / 0 Comments / in Friendship,
Relationships, TOPICS / by Janel Breitenstein
I
t was after lunch. We were standing
on the curb, about to walk to our
cars, when my friend divulged some
hard stuff, stuff that could easily be
embarrassing outside of the little table
we had just shared. I was about to leave
when it occurred to me what she might
be feeling in that moment.
I think I said something rather
astounding, like, Hey. Thanks. For,
y’know, sharing hard stuff. I know you
could be tempted to feel kind of naked
after all this. But thanks for trusting me
to keep stuff like that safe. I’m going to
be praying with you.
She looked me in the eye and said, “I
hope I’m that place for you when you
need it.”
Sometimes this can be important to say
out loud. Most of us know how
intimidating Christians can be, even for
us Christians. As easily as “authentic”
and “real” roll off the tongue, it’s another
thing to actually engage on that level.
Yet honest relationships are in the spirit
of what God extends to us. Romans 15:7
tells us to
welcome
Yet honest
relationships are in the
and accept
spirit of what God
others in
extends to us.
the way
Christ has welcomed us. I hear the
message throughout Scripture, Come
exactly as you are. I’ll give you rest
where you’re limping and exhausted. You
will be enveloped—beckoned, even—by
kindness you don’t have to deserve.
I’m reminded to confess my sins to
others so I can be healed (James 5:16),
and that we ought to bear with one
another in love (Ephesians 4:2). Hear
that tension? We’re both looking for safe
places . . . and seeking to be one.
So how can we be the kind of people who
are safe to come to?
Truth #1: Be a
shame-lifter.
How we react, even in close circles, to
those who differ from us, disagree with
us, or even offend us gets assessed. I can
hear someone thinking, If they’re
convinced my margarita is a sin, I can
imagine what they’d say about my samesex attraction.
Clearly God’s opposed to diluting truth.
Jesus didn’t mince words about the
Pharisees, a.k.a. brood of vipers, to make
other people feel safe. But he came
down hard on these people because of
their self-righteousness.
It’s okay to talk about what we disagree
with, or what’s wrong. But in these
conversations, can we detect any hint of
superiority in our hearts—the sense that
we’re somehow better than them?
But in these
Slipping
conversations, can we
into
detect any hint of
character
superiority in our
hearts—the sense that
we’re somehow better
than them?
defamation or blasting a group of
people, making snap judgment calls on
someone’s motives—they matter. We’re
setting a climate on what kind of people
are acceptable, and which aren’t.
Remember, shame makes people want to
head for cover. Jesus shouldered all our
shame, so now we’re free of it. In my
mind, that’s what a person of refuge is:
A shame-lifter.
Even Ephesians 4:29 conveys the same
spirit: Let no corrupting talk come out of
your mouths, but only such as is good for
building up, as fits the occasion, that it
may give grace to those who hear.
Truth #2: Hold back
on the platitudes.
Years ago, I was listening to a debriefing.
Someone had died, and as the youth
leader gave us advice on how to help, I
specifically remember this line: Don’t
tell them this was God’s will.
Perhaps it’s a sign of my emotional
immaturity then, because I recall
wondering why we shouldn’t say
something that was true. But there’s a
reason Ephesians 4:15 adds a critical
clause at the end: speaking the truth in
love.
Even God tells the truth in the context of
a specific relationship. To Hagar, He is
the God who sees. To Elijah, He is a
whisper. To Moses, He is a bush aflame
yet unconsumed.
Because truth without love lacks full
truth (just as love without truth isn’t
fully loving).
Sadly, misplaced Bible verses and trite
Christian sayings tend to poke out like a
hangnail when we’re processing grief.
The offence lies in what they truly
communicate: You are a problem to be
solved. I see a puzzle piece that fits, I
press it in. A blithe, helpful word at the
wrong time flattens its potential,
oversimplifying a person’s need.
The key in guidance is timing and mutual
understanding—an appreciation of the
complexity of the situation. God Himself
asks
questions
The key in guidance is
timing and mutual
before He
understanding—an
speaks:
appreciation of the
Where are
complexity of the
you? (Gen
situation.
3:9); What are you doing here? (1 Kings
19:9); What do you want me to do for
you? (Mark 10:36).
Truth #3: Absorb
some of the weight.
Often, when we’re sharing our hearts,
we are looking for someone to help
shoulder a burden too leaden and
misshapen for us to bear on our own.
Galatians 6:2 says: Bear one another’s
burdens, and so fulfill the law of
Christ. How does the former satisfy the
latter? I think it’s because burdenbearing is decidedly un-formulaic; it’s
messy and self-sacrificial and involved.
Author and missionary Dave Furman
relates that the word sympathy literally
means “a shaking of the head” with
someone. So often, a safe place is where
someone will shake their heads about
what has happened to us. This is not
right. It is not how God intended this
world to be.
Sometimes, a hurting friend asks “Why?”
But what she really means is, This
doesn’t make sense. I’m lashing out. If we
answer the surface questions without
understanding their source, we get the
answer wrong. Is she ready for the
answers
we’re so
If we answer the
surface questions
eager to
without understanding
give?
their source, we get the
answer wrong.
Jesus
knew every truth while on His knees in
the dirt of Gethsemane. He knew that
God would resurrect Him. Even so, He
needed to grieve, to commune with God
in his abject pain.
More than leaping to a resurrection, a
safe person stops and absorbs some of
the weight.
Sometimes, a person of refuge embraces
the humility of, I don’t know what to
say. Ultimately, that may be the first
thing I’m looking for in a safe place:
humility, nothing inflated or deflated
about what you can offer.
Truth #4: Extend
thoughtful
compassion and
peace.
When someone’s soul-baring, our own
stories should give a sense of “I think I
understand one aspect of this”, but also
still encourage them to “Tell me more
about your experience.”
This means avoiding one-upmanship—
saying something like, “Oh, that
happened to me. But it was much
worse/better”, or “I know how you feel, I
went through that, too,” etc. Sometimes,
in our hurry to ‘relate’, we talk over the
person and fail to really listen.
Sometimes, in our hurry
to ‘relate’, we talk over
the person and fail to
really listen.
Compassion also doesn’t mean adding to
drama in a way that perpetuates anger
or hurt. This is my weakness:
occasionally feeling something so much
with someone that I actually don’t help
restore. When Jesus, for example,
encounters the woman at the well (John
4:1-26), He doesn’t entertain her
blaming of others. He helps her move
toward healing and change.
Once, before I met with a friend whose
marriage was on the rocks, my husband
wisely told me, “Remember to talk to
her in a way that helps her to go home
and still be married.” He explained that
my sympathy could further divide her
from her husband—or, alternatively, help
her return to her problems with
renewed strength, vision, and courage.
Truth #5: Listen, and
help them Und the
answers for
themselves.
Listen by observing. 70 per cent of
conversation is nonverbal. What are
their tone and body voicing? When do
they clam up? When do they look down,
or collect tears in their eyes, or lean
forward in anger? (Also, consider how
your own body language and facial
expression can show openness and
acceptance.)
Then, gently ask questions that might
allow someone the opportunity to talk
(or even to choose not to). Often, people
are waiting, wanting someone to simply
ask, even questions that aren’t like those
in their heads.
Collect a list of poignant questions that
gently, respectfully help friends isolate
the real issues with which their hearts
are colliding:
What was that like?
What are you afraid will happen?
What do you want most to protect,
or avoid?
I’m hearing that ___ is really
important to you. Do you think it’s
become too important?
What do you feel like doing?
What do you think you need?
What do you wish you could say?
What do you wish that person
would understand?
Part of listening is learning to repeat
back. Reiterate what you think they’re
saying: “Are you saying that . . .”, “So I
hear you saying . . .”, “Am I getting you?”,
“Is that what you’re trying to say?”
Ultimately, when friends lead me to my
own answers, tacking on a few potent
insights, it’s 100 per cent more effective
than their own spiel.
I find the need to consistently grow in
being a safe place for others: increasing
my ability to be present. Learning to set
aside my own agendas and listen better.
Listen to the Holy Spirit. Demonstrate
how God would receive and respond to a
person’s story.
Being a safe place takes work. But it’s
also worth it to love more like Jesus—
and from there, rediscover all over again
how He loves me.
This article originally appeared on the
author’s blog as a series of three posts
on Becoming a Safe Space (#1
Becoming a Friend Who Can Help, #2
On Giving Pat Answers the Boot, #3 3
Practical Tips to Becoming a Person of
Refuge). This version has been adapted
and edited by YMI.
About Janel
Breitenstein
Janel is an author, freelance writer,
and speaker. After five and a half
years in East Africa, her family of
six has returned to Colorado,
where they continue to work on
behalf of the poor with Engineering
Ministries International. Her first
book, on spiritual life skills for
messy families (Zondervan), is
planned to release March 2021.
You can find her having
uncomfortable, important
conversations at
JanelBreitenstein.com and on
Instagram @janelbreit.
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Tags: compassion, difficult questions, Friendship,
grief, Janel Breitenstein, listening well, shame,
speaking the truth in love
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