FRAME CONTROL FRAME CONTROL 1. What is frame? Frame has two related meanings: At the deepest level, a man’s frame is his trust and confidence in himself, in his strength, power, values, his entire worldview. If a man can be manipulated, pressured or distracted by others, he has a weak frame. 2- At a social level, every Interaction between two people, every conversation or debate, has frame to it. The frame is the implied context and assumptions that gives the interaction its meaning. Being aware of the frame, and knowing how to control it, is a powerful social tool 1- Clearly, frame meaning #1 and #2 have a lot in common. A man with a lot of confidence in his own worldview (frame meaning #1) will bring this confidence into his conversations and interactions with other people (frame meaning #2) When a woman shit test a man, she is testing his frame to see how strong and confident he is, how much he trusts himself VS how easily he can be manipulated, pressured, and distracted. A shit test is a frame control test. That’s why it is important for men to learn frame control Rules of frame control 123- 5- 6- You don’t have to answer the question being asked. You can ignore completely If the question is aggressive, don’t answer it. Reply with a question of your own Any question a person asks you, it’s not about you. It’s about him 4- Any accusation a person makes, ignore it. Don’t explain yourself. Instead, flip the focus back on him. Frame him as being angry, jealous, anxious or insecure If a joke made at your expense holds some truth, acknowledge the humor, and then frame the other person as trying hard to be funny. Meanwhile, you’re having fun being amused by him If you get caught off guard with a question, repeat the question. This will give you a few seconds to catch your bearings. And then you can flip the focus back on the other person. You do not need to answer the question. Taking the question seriously is falling into his frame “The frame is the underlying meaning. It’s the context, the implication, the unspoken assumption in everything you say. The frame supplies meaning to the content. He who controls the frame controls the communication itself”- Mystery Ultimately it’s very hard to be control the frame if you don’t have high value. Women aren’t stupid. They are very practical She wants to be dominated by a high value man. Remember, women allow themselves to be dominated. It’s her choice So being focused, being productive, building your value & achieving great things are important to having a strong frame and strong identity. Building value is the first step. Getting a good woman is hard, keeping her is hard Don’t be so serious, rational, predictable, businesslike with your girl THAT WILL BORE HER And that boring vibe could hurt you later Strive to be 1-PLAYFUL 2-DOMINANT 3-EMOTIONALLY CONNECTED Keep the flame burning bright. TAKING CONTROL OF THE SCENARIO This is one of the most IMPORTANT conversation skills to learn... for one simple reason: The men women are attracted to are the ones who LEAD them (NOT the ones who follow!). So often when you talk to women, they try to seize control of things in subtle (or not so subtle) ways: • • • • • • "No, I'm not like that" "Do you say that to every girl?" "That's your fantasy, huh?" "I'm just bossy" "Guys can't really handle me" "I'm not dating right now" ... and so on. Most guys fall RIGHT into these traps women lay, and talk back to them the same way they would to another guy: HER: "I'm just bossy." HIM: "Well, you don't seem that bossy to me." Bzzzt! Wrong. Any time a woman creates distance with you yet YOU try to qualify or reassure her, SHE is the one "setting the pace." So how DO you respond? You need to take control of the "conversational frame." This requires a certain MENTALITY... yet more than this, it also requires a set of conversation tactics & techniques most men completely LACK. That's where FRAME CONTROL comes in real handy. ONE SIMPLE MENTALITY YOU MUST ADOPT... is constantly reframing and reinterpreting what women say. Why do that though? It's due to something I've discussed again and again if you follow me twitter: You can't take the stuff women says seriously. Flirtation and courtship is VERY different from logical conversation. If you have a totally logical, rational conversation with a woman, that's great. She won't want to date you though. She DEFINITELY won't want to SLEEP with you! That's because the conversation between two prospective mating partners is a DANCE. It is a verbal (and nonverbal) romance... and romance is not"logic talk." Instead, everything that is being said between you and a woman you are courting is part of the mating dance. EVERYTHING! It is all part of how each of you evaluates one another as a desirable (or not) prospective mate. Guys get really worried about what women will think of their logical criteria... stuff like: • • • • Their income Their neighborhood Their line of work Their socioeconomic background Yet many great seducers don't discuss these things at ALL with women and instead just glide around them. That's because to the successful ladies man, everything in a conversation with a woman is the same thing: It is ALL flirtation! And in flirtation, the man must set the pace and lead... And he MUST make it playful, intriguing, and fun! MASTERING FRAMES & REFRAME IS KEY What ARE frames and reframes? A FRAME is when you set the tone for how things will be interpreted between a woman and you. A REFRAME is when you take what a woman is saying, then reframe it into something beneficial for seducing her. As an example, if you and I were talking, and you stutter your speech a bit, and I said, "Have you always stutter your speech like that?" Maybe that stutter was just a random slip up and it NEVER happens to you... but that is not how I framed it. Now you will feel more self conscious, start justifying yourself to me, explaining yourself to me, and so on. All that sets the FRAME that I am the leader, judging, making observations, and testing/probing the other party (you). Once you’ve understood and internalized frame control, you’ll know exactly how to do this with girls... it's great stuff. Women will also try to do this THEMSELVES, so that they can set the frame. What do you do if women are trying set frames on you... ones where YOU would need to qualify to THEM (thus giving them control)? Simple: that's when you reframe. REFRAMING HER ATTEMPTS AT CONTROL The next time you are in a conversation with a woman where it feels like she is trying to set the pace, just remember this: There's no need to interact with what she's saying logically. If you just REFRAME what she is saying so that it benefits the courtship you can regain control and get the girl! By "benefits the courtship" I of course mean anything that: • • • Makes things playful/flirtatious Frames her as "just a girl" at heart Establishes YOU as the leader and judge of this courtship So lets get to some examples on how to apply FRAME CONTROL: You approach a girl the vibe is good, the conversation is great, but then you hand her your phone and ask for her number and she says she has a boyfriend, will you get distracted by her frame (the boyfriend) or will you control and maintain your frame. ME: give me your number. Her: I have a boyfriend. ME: Put his number in there too, I will tell him where to drop you off after our date If you noticed I accepted her frame (her boyfriend) and reframed it to my frame (me getting her number and hanging out again) I didn’t let her control the frame. Frame control is shifting focus, shifting perception and attention, creating a new reality with assumptions or accusations. Don’t stay in her frame (her boyfriend) shift the perception to what you want. Another example will be: HER: are you trying to get me drunk? ME: Hey, I’m just trying to have fun and you only think about sex Why is it a good reply? -doesn’t fall into her frame by explaining -playfully accuses her -flips the script, she is the horny one Here are some more examples to understanding frame control: Jenny is complaining about her father being uncaring. Jonathan is trying to keep the peace. He tries to get Jenny to see her father point of view. Jenny gets angry and says, “Whose side are you on, Jonathan?” What frame/situation/premise has Jenny presented to him? Jenny has presented the following situation to Jonathan: I am at war with my father. You have to pick sides. Either you are with me, or you are with him. This is her frame. This is her worldview. So Jonathan can either: ACCEPT this worldview, and thus fall into Jenny’s frame. Or REJECT this worldview, and thus not fall into Jenny’s frame. FRAME ACCEPTANCE “Oh Jenny, you know I will always be on your side” By picking side (any side), Jonathan has accepted Jenny’s worldview, and thus submitted to her frame. He is only submitting to her worldview on this topic, but one submission can lead to more… FRAME REJECTION How could Jonathan reject Jenny’s worldview, the situation that she has presented to him? What could he say? Jenny- Whose side are you on, Jonathan? Jonathan- Why do you see this as a war? PERFECT. He questions her premise, and avoids falling in her frame. This looks easy to do, but in the heat of the moment it’s much harder. That’s why it’s good idea to practice frame control. Once you understand frame control you will start seeing the frame in every interaction. If you don’t understand frame control you probably make conversations like this when meeting a girl Her: You must be a Capricorn or Virgo? Me: Capricorn. Any experience with one? Her: Oh Capricorn and Yes lots. This is the implied context to that conversation (The frame) Her: you must be a Capricorn or Virgo Me: I will fall into your frame by answering factually Her: Too bad, now I am losing attraction. If a girl says to me “you must be a Capricorn or Virgo” That’s great! She’s cold reading me, testing me. She’s not talking about her ex, she’s talking about ME. She wants to have fun When I reply factually, I’m being boring, I’m not hearing the music, not dancing with her. Of course, if I get standoffish and don’t reply, don’t answer her question, get suspicious, then I’m standing stiff and judging her. Also boring. Worse, perhaps. Uptight. I need to ENGAGE in the fun and play the game and dance with her. What I need to do is dance with her, but LEAD the dance So she just put a hoop for me to jump through. I’ll jump through it, but first I need to set up my own hoop for her to jump through This way I’m dancing but not letting her lead (that would be a turn off for the feminine) Check this out Her: you must be a Capricorn or Virgo? Me: Ahh, you like to play games. I like games. I bet you’re a Scorpio, aren’t you? See how I’m playing her game, but now all of a sudden I made it *my* game If she says Her: you answer first! Are you Capricorn or Virgo? Then, I just keep on leading the dance Me: Ahh, I knew it! Scorpios are sexy but very bossy! Or Me: Ahh, my mother warned me about bossy Scorpios! See how we’re dancing and I’m not backing down? Now with these examples I have given, any thinking person can apply and control the frame of any situation they’re faced with and don’t back down. You will find her eventually falling in your frame if you’re creative with frame control and if she’s in your frame, you will find communication and compliance coming easy from her. She will be living in your world, which is where she wants to be. I want you to understand when you’re learning something new you won’t feel confident or understand what you’re doing at first but if you go through this book often enough and apply these techniques, you'll be a frame setting, reframe getting, conversation controlling MACHINE. And the best part? Girls will be loving those conversations with you so much more than all the boring logical ones they have with every other guy. Catch you on the flip side. Ideas are worthless if you don’t put them into ACTION. ACT NOW! BONUS INTRODUCTION TO HOW TO FLIRT WITH A GIRL The other day I got told I was a very good flirt. And, I suppose, I am. Of course, I wasn't always a good flirt... well, perhaps I was always at least a little bit of a flirt. What's it matter if you know how to flirt with a girl or not? In fact, it matters a good deal. Flirting is how you arouse a girl's interest and make her start imagining the two of you getting together. And once you've gotten her thinking about it – and gotten her thinking about it in a fun, suggestive way – you're a lot closer to taking it out of her and your imagination and into the real world. Here, we're going to focus on what most men do wrong when it comes to flirting with women, what the right mindsets are for a man who's a successful flirt, and what talented flirts do. So purse your lips and lower your eyelids a smidge; we're going to get flirty. Clumsy Flirts: Where Most Men Fail As a result of this lack of experience with flirting, when most men try to flirt, it comes out clumsy and overly direct. Most men just don't really know how to be subtle, and they don't really know how to tease and excite women the way women know how to tease and excite men. And that, there, in subtlety, is one of the primary differences between many men's attempts at flirting, and women's successes with flirting. If you want to know how to flirt with a girl, being subtle and showing intent is going to be something you must learn. But flirting is made up of two halves, and the second half is nothing like the first: wit and frame control make up the rest of the flirtation equation. Of course, just like most men lack being subtle and showing intent, most men never think to use frame control when flirting with women, and those two missing pieces – subtle while showing intent and frame control – are the main reasons why most men fail at flirting. Once you start incorporating those pieces into your flirtation repertoire, however, things change in a hurry. How to Flirt with a Girl: The Halves of Flirtation Men who flirt want women to be having fun, feeling a little teased and challenged – though not too much – and feeling turned on and excited. What a man does to make a woman feel that way can be boiled down to a few technical elements. We break flirting down like this: The Two Halves • • Being Subtle and Showing Intent Wit and Frame Control Let's have a look how each plays into your flirting. Being subtle and Showing Intent Most men's ideas of flirting seem to be bluntly stating something outright, like, "I'll bet you look great in a thong." Yikes. By being subtle, what I mean is you want to fly under the radar and say things that imply what you mean, rather than state what you mean outright. So here's the typical man's way of flirting: Girl: I love thongs. Guy: I'll bet you look great in a thong. Ugh. There's no mystery there; no challenge. By being direct and obvious, this guy's robbed this exchange of all its fun. Here's the flirtatious man's more subtle response: Girl: I love thongs. Guy: Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form. And another take on a reply using being subtle in response to the same statement: Girl: I love thongs. Guy: Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs. You should be able to feel the difference in subtlety between the first, clumsily obvious example, and the second and third far more implied statements. But think about this: the man is more or less saying in all three of them that he likes this girl, right? So why do the second and third replies – the subtle replies – feel so much more flirtatious? The reason why is intent. In that first example, it's stated outright that the man likes this girl in particular. In the second and third examples, the feeling is that he likes this girl as well – but rather than come out and state it, instead he implies it. He shows intent without giving away his power. When you imply things, rather than state them explicitly, it feels more exciting to women. The reason why is because there's a degree of "safe intrigue" in it; she feels comfortable and assured enough that you like her, but not so assured of it that she's bored with the lack of challenge. No, with an implication/showing intent, there's enough intrigue and challenge to interest her, while still communicating enough of your desire for her to put her at ease with you and open herself up to the challenge that is you. In the first example [the clumsy one] "I'll bet you look great in a thong." This is the man stating outright that he likes the girl. There's no challenge in it; no standard to meet. All his cards are on the table and he's easy to get. It's utterly uninteresting and uninspiring, and a woman spending time with a man who talks like this will get bored quickly. The second example "Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form." This is the man saying he likes the looks of women in thongs – implying/showing intent, though not out-and-out stating, that he'd like this girl too, if she wore a thong. He's interested, but not a pushover who's going to stand there drooling over a girl. The third example "Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs." This is the man implying that he'd love this girl too – assuming, of course, that she loved thongs (which she's just stated that she does). Again, he's interested, but not a pushover. Tonality and facial expressions are as important as ever here. The difference between a man saying, "Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form," in a neutral tone with neutral facial expressions, and a man saying the same thing in a sexy voice tone with a suggestive, alluring look about him, is miles apart. A final note on being subtle and showing intent flirting: if you notice those last two replies, they both communicate the man has standards and imply the woman has met them, while the first reply does no such thing, instead communicating blind attraction. Women don't want a man who's blindly attracted to any girl with decent enough looks; there are lots of girls out there like that. Women want a man who's attracted to them, and communicating that you have standards, and that they've met them, and that that is the reason why you're interested in them, is how you show them it's them themselves you're attracted to, and not just a pretty face with no thought to the woman behind it. Wit and Frame Control Flirting is supposed to be fun. That's why wit is such an important element to flirting well with women. There are plenty of witty things to say with regards to that thong example we used earlier (e.g., I'd probably say something like, "And I love snapping girls' thongs against their butts when they have them on"), but let's change up examples just to keep things fresh. Let's use massages on this one. Let's say a girl says, "Nothing beats a good massage." Here's our standard guy's reply: Girl: Nothing beats a good massage. Guy: I'm pretty good at giving massages myself, actually. Another ugh for that one. Now let's see how a guy with a little wit might reply to that massage statement: Girl: Nothing beats a good massage. Guy: Shall I stand on your back later? Another potential response: Girl: Nothing beats a good massage. Guy: Well, that depends... who's giving the massage, a beautiful woman, or a woman who looks like grandma? The difference here should be even more apparent than the difference between an average reply and a subtle / implicit reply. The average reply in this example features the man trying to prove himself to the woman and match himself up to her standards; the witty replies feature the men giving the girl a friendly ribbing and, in the second witty reply, showing off, in polite fashion, the man's interest in beautiful women – an attractive trait (women like men with a healthy sex drive and the confidence to be tactfully honest about it). Wit – again, when combined with sexy tonality and facial expressions and a powerful way of carrying oneself – takes pressure off an interaction and keeps it from getting too serious. Strive for balance, needless to say; if she's laughing her head off the whole time, that may be good, if you're controlling the frame, but otherwise you'll be working too hard and setting yourself up as the entertainer guy. Instead, keep interactions flowing smoothly, and hovering right around the middle, mixing wit with frame control and flirty banter. And that brings us to, of course, Frame Control, with an example being such as where you clearly and obviously pretend to be clueless or confused about a woman's intentions, or what she's doing or saying, or what not, in order to tease her by positioning yourself as the more "innocent" party, while positioning her as the pursuer. Frame Control looks like this: Girl: Nothing beats a good massage. Guy: Trying to seduce me by offering massages? You see how this can quickly set a fun, sexy dynamic. The conversation might continue like this: Girl: No! Guy: Good, because it won't work. Here's another example: Girl: I love thongs. Guy: Don't try to make me think about you in thongs. By twisting everything she says a little bit to position her as the pursuer chasing after you and trying to entice you and turn you on, you make the interaction very fun, lively, and sexual. This is flirtation at its best – lighthearted, carefree, and very exciting for women. Putting Your Flirting Together When you put both the halves together – subtlety and showing intent, and wit and frame control – what you get is pure dynamite for seduction. I'll give a final sample flirtation: Girl: What do you do for fun? Guy: I'm not sure if I should tell you that. What do you do for fun? Girl: I asked you first! Guy: You don't want to tell me? Maybe it's something you're ashamed of. So now here, we're using some wit and some subtlety to imply that it's something sexual she does for fun. Girl: That doesn't make sense! I asked you first. Guy: All right, I'll bite. I like to tease bad little girls who won't tell me what they do for fun. Girl: Too bad there aren't any bad little girls around here. Guy: Yes there are! There's one at this table, in fact. Again, we use being subtle and implication/showing intent – the guy is saying he likes teasing bad little girls, without outright stating that she is the bad little girl. Then he says there's one at the table – the implication is it's her, of course – but refrains from pointing and saying, "You!" He uses a general statement to imply a specific instance (that particular girl). This is how implication/showing intent works. Girl: Okay, you got me. I am a bad little girl. Guy: I know. It's obvious. You've been trying to seduce me since Day 1. Thank God we met somewhere public. Girl: [laughs] Guy: So seriously though, what do you do for fun? Paint, draw, calligraphy...? Finally, we end with a frame control, and then cut the silly stuff and get back to connecting. You don't want to overdo flirtation, and that's as much an essential element to knowing how to flirt with a girl as all the primary elements are. Keep it fun, but use it in moderation. Boring guys are overt and don't really flirt. Annoying guys over-flirt and go over the top with excessive flirtation. Cool, sexy guys who get the girl? They flirt just right. Work on getting your flirtation down, and you'll be flirting just right, too. And girls will laugh, and smile, and touch you for it, and they'll be very glad they ended up spending the time with you they did. Best, Master Togan.
