Britney Beals
Ivy
As I watered the plants on my front porch, I watched the sunlight bounce off my
engagement ring, reflecting millions of multicolored streaks back in its clear surface. My ring.
My engagement ring. The events of the night before hadn’t quite sunk in yet: a romantic dinner
in the nicest restaurant the next town over, rose petals leading us back to the lake we had our first
kiss at, and a swim at dark. When it was over, he had asked me to be his wife. I had been with
Jack for four years now, so I said yes; it only felt natural. We had talked about marriage before,
flirting with the idea every now and then. “How nice would it be if it could be like this forever?”
Jack would whisper to me, squeezing me tighter in the middle of the night. I always nodded and
agreed, but my gut would still churn at the idea of the rest of my life.
I stood there, staring at my hand outstretched until the rumble of a truck up the driveway
took me out of my thoughts. Jack wasn’t home yet; it wasn’t him, and there wasn’t a neighbor
for at least a mile out here. I looked up, squinting to see a beat-up blue Chevy pickup parking in
front of my garage doors. A woman stepped out of the car, her boots muddy like mine and a
plaid flannel button-down tucked into her faded denim jeans. As she approached me, I began to
focus on her eyes, as blue as the sky that day. Those eyes. I looked down at the ring on my finger
and back up at her opal eyes and found myself unconsciously slipping my ring off, haphazardly
shoving it in my back pocket.
“Hi, my name’s Jess,” she said, with an outstretched hand. “I might be a little lost.” She
smiled, a warm, inviting smile, shaking her dirty blonde hair off her back. “See, I just moved
here from out of town, and I was trying to find where Maple Lane was, and I think I may have
missed my exit or something because I ended up way over here, and quite frankly, I don’t even
know where here is.”
She smiled at me again, and I realized I was staring. “Maple Lane, I can get you there.
I’m Ivy, by the way,” I was about to give her directions, but I stopped, and took my chance,
“Hey, did you want someone to ride the rest of the way with you? These dirt roads, they all look
the same and all that. I could point you to it, and I’d find my way back home. It’s not too far
from here.”
“Really? You’d do that?” she said, flashing me another bright smile. My heart fluttered
when she grinned at me.
“Yeah, not a problem at all,” I said, stuffing my work gloves in the same back pocket that
my ring still resided in.
The moment we got into Jess’s car, she made all my nerves melt away. Jess told me how
she moved up here to the countryside from the city to live with her mom, who moved out here a
few years ago. She was a little younger than me, in college still, with stars in her eyes and big
plans for the future. She talked a lot, which I liked, since I liked to stay quiet. While we were
driving, she mentioned she had a girlfriend before she came here, who she had just broken up
with. She needed a fresh start, she said, as she stole a glance in my direction, her eyes lingering
off the road for a little too long. I shifted in my seat, feeling my face get red as I almost
immediately looked back down. I wondered if maybe, just maybe, she was feeling the spark too,
the electricity coursing through my veins, consuming my body with a new light that I hadn’t felt
in four years.
When we pulled up to her driveway, I asked for her number before I hopped out.
“Why? So you can give me more directions?” she said, her laugh fluttering through the
air like the sound of a bird.
“I was thinking… there’s this cafe I like going to…” I felt my face flush as I tried to get
the words out. She was too beautiful, and I had a fiancé. What was I thinking? I didn’t even
know her, and yet it felt like I was meant to.
“Anytime, say the word, I’ll be there,” she said before I could get the words out. I let go
of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding.
Jess pulled out a little piece of paper from the glovebox of her truck, scribbling down a
number that she handed to me. “Here,” she said, with an outstretched hand. I shook a little as I
took the piece of paper, watching her smile and wave as she turned around and walked inside her
mother’s house. I looked down at the piece of paper, carefully folding it and tucking it away,
trading it for the ring in my back pocket.
***
That night, in my dreams, my vision was consumed with gold locks and blue eyes. I
woke up, startled, my heart pounding in my chest as a bright white light swum through the
windows, tickling my face and letting me know it was time to get up for work. Jack was already
gone for the early shift at his job doing construction. I sat up and sighed as I stared at the empty
bed next to me. My mind began to wander, and as I closed my eyes again, half asleep, I found
myself thinking of her: of her full hips that supported strong, long legs and her breasts, smaller
than my own, and…
My eyes went wide open as I realized what was happening. I slumped down in bed,
rolling back over and burying my face in a pillow. I tried to squeeze my eyes shut, forming an
image of Jack in my head to try and replace the image of Jess that had cemented itself in my
brain. After a moment of no luck, I took a deep breath and reached over to the drawer in my
nightstand where the piece of paper Jess gave me resided. I grabbed the yellowing corded phone
next to me, and slowly dialed the numbers. My fingers stuck on the keys as I pressed down on
each one firmly. My hands shook.
The phone rang: once, twice. I felt my hand start to tap on the nightstand next to me in
impatience. On the fourth ring: click. She was here.
“Hello?” said the honey-sweet voice on the other line.
“Is this Jess?” I asked, barely squeaking out the words.
“Yes, this is her, is this Ivy?”
“Yes,” I exhaled. She recognized my voice. Maybe I was on her mind as much as she was
on mine.
“Wanna meet for breakfast this morning? It’s a nice day out, we could sit outside at
Beth’s Cafe in town,” she said, and I swear I could see her grin through the phone.
“I would like that, very much,” I said.
Jess and I met later that morning at the cafe, and from there, we were stuck like glue.
When Jack was at work, I was with Jess. When I said I was with my friends, I was with Jess.
Sometimes, when Jack was home, I’d make excuses to run errands by myself so I could go meet
her somewhere. She was perfect, and best of all, she knew nothing about my life with Jack.
When it was the two of us, the rest of the world dissolved like sugar in water, and everything was
sweet. She may not have been my only, but she was the only one ever on my mind.
***
One night, Jess and I were out in a field behind her mother’s house lying on a patchwork
blanket that she’d sewn for me. We were looking at the stars, the black night sky speckled with
little white dots that seemed to pulse in and out in time with the chirping of crickets somewhere
nearby. She turned her head to look at me, her blonde hair entangling in my own brown locks.
Then she sat up, abruptly, and said, “I want to tell the world about us.” She looked at me again,
eagerly awaiting my reply.
I could feel my heart start to race. I knew this would come at some point. The look on my
face must have begun to contort, because she immediately began to explain herself.
“I love you, Ivy, more than I’ve ever expected myself to love anyone in my whole life,”
she said, almost pleading, “I want everyone to know that I love you, too. I can’t just keep this to
myself anymore.”
“Jess…” I took a gulp as I thought of what to say. So, I told her the half-truth. “I’m
scared to be gay, Jess,” I sighed, flipping over on the quilt so I didn’t have to look at her for a
moment. “When I was 16, my parents kicked me out of the house because they caught me
kissing a girl.” This was the part that was true. Even Jack didn’t know that. When I met Jack in
college, I had resigned myself to burying the feelings that popped into my head every time a
woman’s touch lingered a little too long.
What I didn’t tell her, of course, was that I had Jack to help me hide it all, so the world
would only know what I wanted it to.
“Oh,” I heard her get quiet. I think for once she was finally at a loss for words, a rarity for
her. “I didn’t… I had no idea.”
“That’s because no one really has any idea,” I rolled back to face her again. “But that’s
why I can’t tell anyone, you know? What if they leave?” And Jack. How could I hurt him by
telling him the truth? That all along, it was all a lie?
She nodded; her face still low, “I get it. When you’re ready.”
***
We were together for a few months before she could finally come over to my house. I
think she was starting to get suspicious, wondering why she could never come inside all this
time. Jack told me he’d be going one night to the bar with his buddies. He’d be out late, past 2 in
the morning, so I didn’t need to stay up and worry about him. He’d be quiet when he got home.
The night Jack went away with his friends, I planned everything to a tee. I hid any
pictures of Jack and I, stuffing his work boots and jackets under my bed and closing my closet
door tightly shut. I was careful to remove any trace of Jack in the house, not that much of him
existed here anyway.
I scattered the living room with pink rose petals from my garden and lit candles to
illuminate the room. I wasn’t necessarily the epitome of romance, but I wanted to ensure things
were special for Jess. It was her first time coming over, after all, and I was nervous. My double
life was overwhelming at times; I could never find the proper lie to keep either of them from
asking the obvious question.
When Jess got to my house, she knew I was stressed. She immediately took to comforting
me, taking me into her arms. “What’s on your mind?” Jess asked.
“I just… I want to be with you Jess, but I’m scared about the town finding out. What if I
lose my job?” I asked. “At the same time, I can’t walk away from all this now, from you.” I
looked up at her.
“I told you, Ivy, we can do everything on your own time,” she murmured, her hands
untangling strands of my hair, weaving down my back and sending shivers down my spine. She
leaned in to kiss me, just barely touching her lips to mine until the shivers felt like electricity,
warming up my entire body and filling me with a warm glow. I pulled her closer, kissing her
again, but this time harder- I wanted more, no- I needed more, I need herHer shirt gently floated to the ground, and I looked up at her. Her curves mimicked my
own; her belly was soft and moved with her as she got undressed, her jeans stuck on her sweat as
she tried to pull them down. I could feel my face get hot as she moved close to nibble on my ear,
kissing my neck, then down, and down… I sighed; my eyes fluttered closed as she worked down
my body, her lips ever so gently tickling me with each touch. My legs moved to a part, her
fingertips tracing my inner thigh, my thoughts flooded only with one thing: Jess.
And then, I heard the keys jingle from outside the door. Shit! Shit, shit, shit. I bolted upright,
my fantasy world melting around me. This couldn’t happen. This wouldn’t happen. “Jess, go
hide,” I shoved her clothes at her, as my eyes darted to the jiggling doorknob. She stared at me
for a second, clutching her clothes in her hand, unmoving.
“What’s going on? Whose house are we in, Ivy?” Jess said, but the tears starting to well
in her eyes told me she already knew the answer. “I can’t believe this- I- I gave everything to
you, Ivy; I told my momma about you. This whole time I was just something to play with behind
your boyfriend’s back.”
“I’m her fiancé, actually,” Jack responded, slurring his words as he spoke.
I flipped around, but it was too late, the door had already opened, and Jack was standing
there with an empty look in his eyes. He sauntered in, tripping over his own two feet.
“You’re drunk,” I said. Maybe I can salvage this; maybe he won’t even remember.
Maybe he wakes up tomorrow, and this was all a very, very bad dream.
“You’re a lesbian,” he tried to hold his head up, stifling back a bit of vomit as he spoke. I
looked back at Jess, who had now turned her back to me and was tugging her t-shirt over her
head. She was a lost cause, I thought to myself. Just a fling, a crush that got out of hand… but
Jack, we were engaged, we were supposed to last forever. We had been through everything
together, through surgeries and car accidents and my dog dying; he had been with me through all
of it. For better or for worse, through sickness and in health. Maybe I could convince him it
meant nothing. I heard the front door slam, taking me out of my thoughts. In my daydreams, I
didn’t even see Jess leave. I didn’t say goodbye; I didn’t even say anything at all. I pretended my
heart didn’t ache for her, and I pretended that Jack was what I still wanted.
“Jack, please, I still love you,” I pleaded, as I watched him go to the kitchen and go
through our cabinets. “I’d do anything for you, she was a mistake. I’m not gay; I just wanted to
try it, Jack.” The words were coming out of my mouth, but I’m not sure if they sounded like my
own. I knew I was supposed to convince him, convince myself, that I could wrap back up the
string that had unraveled around us.
Jack paused, a bottle of whiskey now in his hand. “C’mon Ivy, don’t lie. Doesn’t seem like
one night when her momma is involved,” he took a gulp of the whiskey, stopping to wipe the
tears that had collected around his eyes. He slammed the bottle back down.
“It wasn’t anything, Jack,” I said, through tears now this time too. I know he didn’t
believe me. “I swear I’ll do anything to get you to stay.”
Jack turned, pacing, then slammed his fist into the wall, making me jump. He turned back
to look at me, his face red, his palms clenched. His eyes were glassy, not full of life like the Jack
I knew. He reached for the whiskey bottle on the counter, and for a moment, I thought he might
throw it at me. For a moment, I think he thought he might throw it at me too. Instead, he
slammed it against the ground, shattering glass throughout the kitchen and spilling its contents
on the white tiled floor, brown liquid creeping towards me. Jack looked down at the glass on the
floor, and then back up at me, the mess I had made. He walked towards the door and picked his
keys off the floor in the doorway where he had dropped them. He grabbed his jacket. Then, he,
too, was gone.
That night when I tried to sleep, they haunted me. I dreamt of Jess, mostly, but of Jack,
too, of our better days. When there was a knock on the door at 4 that morning, I was already
awake, in bed, agonizing in my loneliness. I sprung to the door, gripping on to the hopes that one
of them, someone, came back for me- that they didn’t leave me alone here to suffer. When I
opened the door to the headlights of a cruiser and a police officer, I thought maybe Jack was in
jail. I thought I could pick him up and rescue him from that awful place and he would forget this
all happened. We would be even.
“Ma’am, I have some very bad news to tell you,” the man at my door said, “Jack was
involved in a two-vehicle collision, and he died. I’m so sorry for your loss.”
In an instant, Jack was gone for good. The officer continued, but I was focusing in and
out of the sounds of other officers speaking in static through the walkie-talkie he was bearing on
his chest. “He appeared to be driving highly erratically and he may have been drinking. The
other driver died at the scene.”
The other driver, I thought to myself. Not many other people are driving out this way at
1:30am. “Officer, do you have any details on the other vehicle? I have a friend…”
I trailed off, lost in the sound of my own heartbeat pounding in my ears. What if it was both of
them?
“I’m sorry, I can’t tell you much until the family of the other driver has been notified, and
we haven’t been able to get ahold of them yet,” he said. He looked at me, my face now stained
with mascara and my eyes frantic. Maybe he took pity, because he did tell me this, “It was a blue
pickup truck, Chevy. I hope that doesn’t mean anything to you.” He walked away, but at that
point I was already frozen. Jess.
Just like that, I lost everything I had ever loved.