How to Improve Emotional Connection with your Addicted Loved one.
Making the Most of a Difficult Situation
Prodigal Ministries
Johnson Ferry Baptist Church
February 23, 2023
Presenter
Rick J Petronella PhD MAC CCS
Compass Consulting & Affiliates LLC
www.compasschoices.com
678-395-7922
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©Rick J Petronella PhD
When we have not handled things well with our addicted loved one.
Testing of Your Faith
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the
testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let commitment have its full effect, that you
may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach,
and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is
like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose
that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will
receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to
anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.
James 1
I
How to Improve Emotional Connection with your Addicted Loved one
Having a loved one who is addicted is a wrenching experience. Throughout the process, we can’t
allow ourselves to become bitter or angry.
1) We have a choice to make.
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We cannot let our addicted loved one dictate the rest of our lives.
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There are lessons to learn from all our experiences, good and bad. They shape who we
become—
When we’re facing a situation that feels impossible, it is up to us to find our way through it.
Instead of being resentful for these hardships, we need to learn how to be pro-active with
these challenges. There’s always a way forward, and our mindset has much to do with our
outcome. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we do get to choose our response.
2) We’re more capable than we believe. We do not have to be held hostage by our
addicted loved one. We don’t have to feel so helpless
Though being involved with our addicted loved one can be a gut-wrenching experience, it’s
possible to overcome it. When we focus on being intentional with our days and actions, a
world of possibilities opens up. We’re moving forward rather than staying stuck in the waiting
for our loved ones to get well. We use boundaries, limits, self-awareness.
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II At What Stage is your Addicted Loved One?
Transtheoretical Model (TTM) focuses on the decision-making of the individual and is a model of intentional
change. The TTM operates on the assumption that people do not change behaviors quickly and decisively. Rather,
change in behavior occurs continuously through a cyclical process.
Substance abusers must come to a point of awareness through five stages of change:
precontemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, maintenance.
1) Precontemplation - In this stage, substance abusers do not intend to take action in the
foreseeable future . A person in the true pre-contemplation stage will not react in
anger when confronted. They most likely do not see they have a problem, nor do they
believe they have affected anyone by their using.
2) Contemplation - In this stage, substance abusers are intending to get help in the
foreseeable future. When confronted, their first reaction would most likely be anger.
Anger comes from fear. The fear comes from being found out or challenged. They
are not in denial about their problem. They are only in denial about doing something
about their addiction. The substance abuser fears the family may do something
different. The addict knows they need the family’s enabling more than the family
needs their addiction.
The barometer in determining whether the substance user is in the pre-contemplation or
contemplation stage is the response you receive when confronting them.
Once in the contemplation stage, the substance user will begin recognizing the
consequences of their addiction and behaviors.
3) Preparation (Determination) - In this stage, people are ready to take action within the
next 30 days. People start to take small steps toward the behavior change, and they
begin to believe that changing their behavior can lead to a healthier life.
4) Action - In this stage, the addict/alcoholic have recently changed their behavior (defined as
within the last 6 months) and intend to keep moving forward with that behavior change.
People may exhibit this by modifying their problem behavior or acquiring new healthy
behaviors. (Attending 12 step meetings changing their friends, and preparing to go to
treatment)
[Relapse may occur during this period.]
5) Maintenance - In this stage, people have sustained their behavior change for a while
(defined as more than 6 months) and intend to maintain the behavior change going
forward. People in this stage work to prevent relapse to earlier stages.
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©Rick J Petronella PhD
The Transtheoretical Model (also called the Stages of Change Model), developed by Prochaska
and DiClemente in the late 1970s.
III The Goal
To move the addict/alcoholic out of the sustained talk (just talking about their substance
abuse problem) and into change talk. (Doing something about it)
This means the addict or alcoholic starts to talk about doing something
different rather than talk about staying the same.
Ambivalence phase -They can’t stay there very long!
This occurs when the addict or alcoholic recognizes problems related to their
substance abuse and start looking to explore possible solutions.
When there is continued lack of desire to change or unwillingness to seek help there is an
option I refer to as the Narcissistic Collapse [When stasis changes] They become more
vulnerable.Narcissistic (Addict) Collapse -When the world that the addict/alcoholic has known
begins to crack. Their predictable environment is no longer there. Money, provided by parents
or someone else is no longer there, room & board is threatened, they no longer have the
control. The world they once knew is threatened with change they no longer can control.
Narcissistic collapse is someone who isn’t getting what they want from the people around them
any longer or the people they have manipulated are no longer playing their game.
The addict/alcoholic has two choices if they want to move forward here.
1) They can remain upset and blame everyone in their world in the process.
2) They can try to become a whole person get help and develop real coping skills.
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IV
The Family’s Impact on Their Loved One’s Addiction
The addict/alcoholic usually chooses the path of least resistance to solve their
problems. If the family provides more comfort than discomfort, the substance
user will see less need to change or do something about their situation.
When families begin to change their behaviors of enabling and codependency.
They can require the addict/alcoholic to become accountable for their actions.
What usually occurs as a result of this strategy is when the family changes, the
addict is not as comfortable in this setting.
Your loved one is more likely to see the problem and attempt to change when it is their own
problem and not yours. Consequences and accountability help the addict/alcoholic look at
things differently.
V
Breaking Free from Codependency/Enabling
Simply Definition
Co-dependency is that it is at its heart a boundary confusion stemming from
dependency seeking approval of others and people-pleasing, feeling “bad” or
“selfish” when not giving in to what someone else is needing or demanding,
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rescuing others from their own behaviors or choices, covering for their mistakes,
getting caught up in other’s drama, financial overspending on others and their
mistakes, perpetual nagging or attempts to change someone, enduring painful behavior from
others, toxic relationships, and over-identification with other’s pain and problems, to where
“helping is hurting.”
What are the treasures of your soul” and how they get lost in relationships: ●
Feelings ● Attitudes ● Behaviors ● Choices ● Thoughts ● Desires ● Limits ● Love
● Talents ● Values. We walk away from these treasures. We must come back into
who we are and what we know to be true. Often, we have lost ourselves in the
role of enabling and codependency.
Empathy takes on the pain of another. Compassion is to care but not carry the pain.
Where empathy enables you to feel another’s pain, it can be debilitating if you remain stuck
there. Compassion, however, moves you to do something to relieve another’s pain—making it
a more empowering emotion.
Dealing With a loved one abusing alcohol or drugs.
1) The goal of dealing with your loved one is to change the environment in which their
addiction thrives. In addition to changing the environment, the family can deal with
the addiction by changing their position and addressing their family roles,
codependency, enabling, boundaries, and accountability for the addict.
2) How you deal with your loved one depends on what you want for yourselves and
them. If you feel you need to stay in the insanity of the addiction, then how you
deal with the drug addict will look much different than if you choose to
detach and let go.
3) Some family members or friends cannot let go of the role that allows them to feel
needed in the relationship. It gives them a sense of purpose in their life as the
caretaker of the drug addict.
4) Dealing with a loved one addicted to drugs/alcohol means dealing with your
addiction to your loved one. Whether it be overwhelming codependency and enabling
or just reactivity and stress. If you let the addict/alcoholic own your thoughts and
emotions, they are controlling you.
The question is not how do deal or negotiate with a loved one addicted to drugs. The
question is, how do I detach from their addiction and take my life back?
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5) When is it Time to Let Go of an Addict/alcoholic in your Life? The time to detach and let go
is when you have hit rock bottom and want help. So much emphasis is put on waiting for the
drug addict to do something first. Not necessarily
How to Help Someone Addicted to Drugs
Stop helping them use drugs or alcohol. When a question or concern arises, ask yourself, “is
what I am about to say or do going to make their addiction more difficult or more
comfortable for them?”
We know that for someone addicted to drugs to move through the stages of change, they
need to see the need for change. Most drug addicts don’t see that need for change in their
distorted perception of reality.
How to help someone addicted is to let go of them and detach from them. To help them is
to hold them accountable, protect yourself from them with boundaries, and step out of the
way so they can feel the consequences.
Anytime a person stands in the way of consequences, they shield the drug addict from
seeing the need for change. The strategy is to allow them to feel the consequences while not
believing the family is causing them.
When a drug addict/alcoholic sees themselves as a victim and is under the illusion that
everything bad that happens is because of some other person or situation, then the addict
sees no reason to do something about their problem
Making the Most of a Difficult Situation
1) Keep your boundaries with your addicted loved one
2) Don’t make a victim out of yourself. Not every battle is worth fighting for.
3) Don’t try to argue and fight with them. Sometimes arguments just are not worth the effort
and you are better off leaving it alone. Don’t be carried away by your own emotions!
4. Be open to different ways of addressing them. Tough love, consequences, sharing how their
behavior hurts the family. However, when you allow your expectations to make demands on
them it becomes a trap of our own making
There are 3 positions we take: Persecutor, Victim and Rescuer.
4 attitudes: I am okay/you are not okay,
I am not okay/you are not okay,
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©Rick J Petronella PhD
I am not okay/you are okay,
I am okay/you are okay.
1) Persecutor -Attack
2) Victim – You are ruining my life
3) Rescuer -enabling
The last position is I am okay/you are okay, which is outside of the Drama Triangle and covers
the white. Is referred to as the Winners Triangle (Earnest Choy).
The more families react to each other in the
Drama Triangle the angrier they get. It is like a
negative spiral in which families feel powerless in
a different way and nobody can escape this
malaise of addiction. This means that it is better
not to allow yourself to be drawn in at all, stay
clear of the red and do your best to stay in the
white.
To do so requires the attitude of I am okay/you
are okay.
This automatically means that you don’t use
blame, guilt or shame to prove your point.
Instead, you are assertive, vulnerable and caring. You address how you are affected by words
and behavior and together you both try and find a solution. If they chose not to comply then a
decision has to be made by you how proceed in this relationship.
10 Survival Tips for Loving an Addict
1. Come face-to-face with reality.
Learning how to deal with reality is the most important first step in “surviving” when you love an
addicted person. Although it may seem easier to ignore or minimize what’s going on or where you can
continue to believe that things are going to get better. Things will not get better just because you wish
they would.
Accepting that parts of your life may be out of control as a result of loving someone who is engaging
in addictive behaviors.
You may be feeling a constant, gnawing worry that you live with every day. You may find yourself
being asked for money often, and feeling guilty if you say no. Perhaps you are watching everything you
say and do, in order to “keep peace” in your home and not make the addict angry. Or you may be asked
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to do favors for the addict on a consistent basis, such as watching their children or doing their errands,
and you may not know how to say no.
2. Discover how to love an addicted person — and stay healthy.
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There are effective ways to deal with the addicted person in your life, just as there are ways that
are not only ineffective but can also be dangerous. Learning to distinguish between them can
save you a lot of time and can also produce much healthier results for you and your addicted
loved one.
For example, learning how to set and maintain appropriate boundaries is a very important skill.
You may need to explore the reasons why you have a problem doing that, and then learn some
assertiveness techniques that will help you say “yes” when you mean yes, and “no” when you
mean no.
3. You cannot control or “fix” another person, so stop trying!
The only person you have any control over is yourself. You do not have control over anything the
addicted person does. Many people choose not to believe this, but that doesn’t make it any less true.
Once you can really grasp the reality of this concept and live by it, your life will become much easier.
The Serenity Prayer can give you a helpful gauge to see whether you are trying to control people and
situations that you simply cannot control.
God, Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Cultivate your wisdom, so that you know the difference between what you can and can’t change, and
stop trying to control or “fix” anyone other than yourself.
4. Stop blaming the other person and become willing to look at yourself.
As easy and tempting as it may be for you to blame the addict in your life for your struggles and
suffering, there is actually more value in exploring what you may be contributing to this situation, since
that is the only thing, you can really do anything about.
Even though the addict has undoubtedly contributed his or her share of the trouble, in some way you
also have a part to play in what is going on. For example, you might be keeping the “drama” going by
lending money to your addicted loved one. Or perhaps you are always willing to be there to listen when
they tell you all about the problems they are encountering as consequences of their addictive behaviors.
These kinds of actions on your part will not help your loved one in the long run. It is your responsibility
to recognize and “own” your unhelpful behaviors, and to get professional help in doing this if necessary.
Important - Understanding why you choose to behave in unhealthy ways is the key to making a
change. Be willing to look at yourself.
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5. Learn the difference between “helping” and “enabling.”
Just like most people, you might think that you need to help your addicted loved one. You fear that if you
don’t provide help, they will end up in a worse predicament.
Key: When you try to “help” addicts by giving them money, allowing them to stay in your home, buying
food for them on a regular basis, driving them places or going back on the healthy boundaries you have
already set with them, you are actually engaging in “rescuing” behaviors that are not really helpful.
Another term for this kind of unhealthy helping is “enabling.”
When you can be as truthful as possible with yourself about your own enabling behaviors, you can begin
to make different choices. This will lead to healthier changes in your addicted loved one as well.
Once you stop your enabling behaviors, you can then begin to truly help your loved one.
6. Don’t give in to manipulation.
It has been said that the least favorite word for an addict to hear is “No.” When addicts are not ready to
change, they become master manipulators in order to keep the addiction going. Their fear of stopping is
so great that they will do just about anything to keep from having to be honest with themselves. Some
of these manipulations include lying, cheating, blaming, raging and guilt-tripping others, as well as
becoming depressed or developing other kinds of emotional or physical illnesses.
Key-The more you allow yourself to be manipulated by the addict, the more manipulative the addict is
likely to become. When you hold your ground and refuse to give into their unreasonable demands, they
will eventually realize that they are not going to get their way.
Saying “no” is an important first step toward change — for you, as well as for the addict.
7. Ask yourself the “The Most Important Question.”
It is important to understand that you might be just as “addicted” to your enabling behaviors as the
addict in your life is to his or her manipulations.
Ask yourself the question “How would my life be better if I wasn’t consumed by behaviors that enable
my loved one?” Allow yourself to answer honestly, and be aware of any feelings that come up.
8. Know that “Self-care” does not equal “selfish.”
Too many people get these two ideas confused: they think that if they practice healthy self-care and
put themselves first, they are being selfish. “Selfishness” basically means that you want what you want
when you want it, and you are willing to step on whomever you have to in order to get it. That
actually sounds more like the behavior of the addict. If you try to take care of someone else before
taking care of yourself, you will simply become depleted and exhausted.
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“Self-caring” means that you respect yourself enough to take good care of yourself in healthy and
holistic ways such as making sure your physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs are met.
As an adult, it is your job to determine what your needs are, and you are the only one responsible for
meeting them.
9. Rebuild your own life. Co-dependent and enabling free
The best way to come out of your own “addictive behaviors,” such as enabling and peoplepleasing, is to focus on your own life. Rebuilding your life so that you feel a greater sense of
happiness and self-fulfillment.
10. Don’t wait until the situation is really bad ~ reach out for help NOW!!
When those who love people with any type of addictive behavior finally reach out for help, they
have usually been dealing with their situation for a long time. If you have been waiting to see
whether things will get better and they have not, please consider getting help NOW, before
things becomes even worse.
If this situation is just beginning for you, it is best to get some support as soon as possible, so
that you don’t make the mistakes that could make things more difficult.
Recovery isn’t a straight-ahead path. It’s full of unexpected ups and downs. But how we react
to these ups and downs determines where we’re going. Our goal is always to believe for
healing and restoration.
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