Setting Limits
Structure –The path and the plan (What do you want to see?)
o Schedule (Visual and Clear)
o Clearly stated expectations (Include incentives)
o Routine (Consistency, do not veer from the plan)
Limit Setting – The guardrails on either side of the bridge
o Establishing the limits and boundaries in your home. Limit setting is one
component of kind and respectful parenting.
o All actions must be kind and respectful (of self, others and community)
o Genuine reinforcement of compliance
o Unkind and/or disrespectful actions are not OK
o Child will be expected to complete a RE-DO or resolve the problem in the
way the parent directs before any wishes or wants are granted.
o Consistency – Limits and boundaries are the same, always
o Keeping limits consistent is necessary to reduce your child’s negative
Behaviors and anxiety (children/adolescents crave limits and boundaries)
o Predictable- responses to unkind / disrespectful actions. Having a concrete,
predictable reaction (wise mind) vs. an emotional reaction (emotion mind)
o Voice: Using a firm calm voice to set limits
o Limit setting does not ask, limits tell
o Limit setting does not use sarcasm or teasing, use authenticity and
connection.
o Offering 2 choices once a limit / boundary has been crossed
o Remind your child of their goals, what they are earning, etc.
o Keep guardrails firm: limit testing is to be expected
o Make peace ahead of time with the expectation that your children will
experience emotional discomfort when you set limits.
o Acknowledge your child’s feelings of disagreement – your child will have
an easier time letting go of resistance when her feelings are validated
o Noncompliance with limits = a request for help, “you’re having a hard
time following directions, I am going to help you.”
o State what your action will be: if/when the expected behavior does not happen
Notes:
 Being assertive and empathetic without the need to communicate control over their actions.
 Validation of the emotion, consistency of the limit
 Limits cannot be punitive or vindictive, the goal is to maintain a positive relationship with your
child.
 Specific expectations / Appropriate rules