21-STEP CONFIDENCE BUILDING SERIES
OUTLINE
Before You Get Started
Step #1: Loving Yourself Truly and Deeply
Step #2: Strengthening Your Sense of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
Step #3: Trading in Your Self-doubt for Self-Assurance
Step #4: Changing Your Thoughts with Gentle Intentions
Step #5: Accepting this Truth: "I am enough."
Step #6: Becoming Your Own Best Friend, Not Your Own Worst Enemy
Step #7: Moving Through Your Fears and Insecurities
Step #8: Breaking Out of Self-Sabotage Cycles
Step #9: Ending the Procrastination Game Now
Step #10: Standing Up to Stress with Self-Care
Step #11: Eliminating Your Clutter to See Your Life Clearly
Step #12: Defending Your Dreams and Desires Confidently
Step #13: Listening to Your Inner Voice - Guidance by Intuition
Step #14: Handling Criticism and Rejections with Unshakable Dignity
Step #15: Talking to Your Family About Your Unconventional Choices
Step #16: Building Your Wealth with Small Steady Steps
Step #17: Freeing Your Identity: "You Are Not Defined by Your Job!"
Step #18: Saying No and Getting to Yes With Neither Guilt Nor Shame
Step #19: Falling In Love with Your Failures
Step #20: Putting Forth Your Best Physical Energy
Step #21: Making Confidence a Smart Habit, not a One-Time Event
Read This Before You Go
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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BEFORE YOU GET STARTED
Welcome.
If you are here, you want to move beyond the insecurities and doubts that are holding
you back in life. You are ready to step into your power and to live up to your promise,
your dream, your true potential. You are ready to claim the true source of your
confidence and integrate that empowering feeling into your daily life.
I'm so glad you are here. Let's get started.
In this 21-step confidence building series, you go through a step-by-step process that
shows you how to tap into your confidence with truth bombs, fun facts, and practical
actions. After you do the work, you will emerge as the powerful peaceful warrior you
were meant to be: standing tall and strong, loving and kind, with purpose and intention,
and supremely confident about who you are and what you want in your life.
You will hold the key that unlocks the source of your own self-confidence and self-worth.
You will have the means to take that self-confidence and self-worth along everywhere
you go and in everything you do.
A little about who I am and why you should listen to me talk about confidence
Let me start with a confession: I was not always a confident woman. Not by a long shot.
There are days that I wonder just how I summoned my constant source of confidence.
How did I manage to quiet the constant chatter of many fears and insecurities and
finally - finally! - trade them in for the honesty, the simplicity, the peace and the true
strength that is confidence.
I used to feel constant insecurities and doubts about myself, my relationships with
friends and colleagues and my corporate career but I was in denial for a long time. It
takes a lot of vulnerability and courage to admit that you are not confident. Most of us
just want to hide behind the lie and never have to come out, but here's the irony: it is
harder to do that and it leads to a whole lot of misery and frustration that both of us can
do without.
I am Farnoosh Brock, and one day, I just got sick and tired of being so afraid all the
time! I remember feeling physically ill to my stomach about my constant lack of
confidence and about the way I used to hyperventilate every time I had to ask for
something or disagree with someone or stand up for what I believe. Physically
nauseous and sick of it.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Before You Get Started
It was time to change fast because being disgusted with yourself is no way to live this
life.
Then I made a simple shocking observation: I have a choice. I always have a choice.
So I consciously chose to change and learn how I, the shy scared little mouse that had
been hiding all her life behind a fake brave ambitious face, can become confident in
myself. How can I drop the heavy weight of these demons - doubts, fears, shame,
insecurities - that I choose to carry every day?
The process that I followed is outlined in the 21 steps in this book.
I also have asked myself if my transformation from that scared little mouse to a
confident, strong and happy woman was random, lucky, or is it perhaps a repeatable
process that anyone - such as you - can do and get results?
The answer is the latter: anyone can go through the process I went through and get the
same - if not better - results. That's why I build this program. It works and it can be lifechanging.
After the 21 steps, my demons slowly moved into the background. I've finally been able
to move on without them, and that's the day my real confidence emerged. I had felt
confident on several occasions before in my life, but there was something very different
in the quality of this confidence.
The source of this confidence was pure and real. Nothing fake or elusive about it.
Now, two years later, I still live with clarity and confidence every day, something I'd have
traded my left arm for (I'm left handed) long time ago, but thankfully, no need for that.
My self-worth and self-esteem are higher than ever before. My worries about what
others think and judge no longer run my life. My focus and priorities are clear. And most
of all, I am not afraid anymore to be myself and to stop trying to be someone else. I am
not afraid to do what is important to me. My life has fallen into place and makes real
sense for the first time.
That's the tip of the iceberg from what you can expect when you unleash your own
confidence,
It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are. ~E.E. Cummings
Why "This won't work for me!" excuse won't work here
I know, you may have doubts about whether this will work for you, and may already
have decided that you and your confidence "issues" are different, and this program
won't apply to you. That's alright. I know how you are feeling, and I am also not naive
enough to ask you to just turn it off. I respect that you would have resistance to change -
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Before You Get Started
I did too.
All I encourage you to do is to keep reading and keep going through the steps all the
same. While you may lack faith about the program, have faith in yourself. Always have
faith in yourself. I know for a fact that you will emerge at the end of this course with pure
confidence. You just have to go through the motions until you catch up to the truth, the
truth that this program will work for you and you are capable of being a confident
person.
Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learned here.
~Marianne Williamson
We were all born with love, with confidence and with faith in ourselves. And if you ask
me, we were meant to stay that way. It's just that over time, doubts and fears get in the
way and cover up that beautiful confidence until we no longer believe in it, see it or feel
it.
But it's still there. Just as the moon is there even if you can't see it during the day. You
just have to know when to look for it to find it again. The moon never disappoints, never
abandons, and never leaves. The clouds may get in the way but you know for a fact the
moon is always there.
Likewise, so is your confidence. Now let's figure out what happened from the born
beautiful confident person you were and close this gap for good with a step by step
process. Let's rekindle your confidence to life. It's a whole lot easier to live with it than
without it.
The preparation exercise to kickstart your confidence
Here's the preparation exercise before you dive into the program. Start by asking the
questions below [with my commentary in the brackets]:
1.
2.
3.
4.
What are you afraid would happen if you are full of confidence? [Immediately
followed by second question:] SO WHAT?
What is the worst-case scenario if you never feel confident for the rest of your
life? [Be honest!]
What is the best-case scenario if you are wildly confident in your abilities and
your fullest potential? [Go crazy here!]
What does it feel like to be full of self-confidence and what doors of opportunity
would it open for you? [Think big.]
This program is a lot of introspection and inner work, something that most of us blatantly
ignore! Well, we are about to change all that! Your commitment in this program is
entirely to yourself, your work is all within yourself, and yet, your rewards will affect far
more than just yourself because as you well know, everyone is drawn like a magnet to a
confident person.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Before You Get Started
Fact: Everyone will soon be drawn like a magnet to you
So set an intention to commit to this program from step 1 all the way to step 21. Use
the series to discover great things about yourself, leave behind the thoughts and
behaviors that no longer serve you and take tiny steps at your own pace without feeling
rushed or pressured.
Make this an investment in yourself, even if it's just your time and your effort. Give the
program a chance to work by doing your part of it.
And before you start, bet on yourself. Bet big that you are going to come out confident,
period. Believe that a confident, strong, amazing version of you does exist and you are
going to find it. And you won't stop until you do. Here's to your amazing growth and
success with the 21-Step Confidence Building Series.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #1: LOVING YOURSELF TRULY AND
DEEPLY
"To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance."
Oscar Wilde quotes
If your inner cynic is already poking fun at this one, ignore it for now. Give it the cold
shoulder and listen to me because loving yourself is the most profound step you will
ever take toward personal freedom, a freedom from imprisoning yourself in judgement,
self-hatred, and inferiority, and a freedom that brings you not just self-confidence but
also plenty of inner peace.
Loving yourself is not selfish; it is self-nurturing and it serves you in the highest way so
that you can then turn around and love the world and everything in it even more.
This is not egotistical love or narcissistic love, or the kind of love that says, "Hey, I am
better than the rest of the world! Look At Me! Admire me!" No, no, no! Heavens, no!
This is just pure and flowing love for the incredible person that you are, even if you
forget it a little too often. This is the same form of natural, unabashed love that you feel
for your loved ones, except in this case, the recipient is you!
And don't worry about "running out of love" by adding yourself to the equation. Love is
beyond abundant; it replenishes itself all the time, much like your own blood supply, and
so by loving yourself, you will be far more open to giving and receiving more love.
How to Love Yourself Truly and Deeply:
You express your love in many ways to your family and friends. You express it in words,
in writing, in eye contact, in big or small actions, in smiles, and so many more ways.
Right? Well, it is the same thing with loving yourself. You can start in tiny comfortable
steps first, and grow it from there.
Just a note of compassion: If this feels uncomfortable, awkward, and just plain "silly",
that's OK. I hear you. If you are not used to loving yourself, to being kind and gentle with
yourself, or to even having much of a relationship with yourself, it takes time to wrap
your thoughts around it.
So be very patient with yourself before you can take any action. It will happen in its own
time. This is just the start and this step, much like all future confidence-building steps, is
part of a process, not a one-time event.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #1: Loving Yourself Truly and Deeply
Below, I am giving you 5 suggestions on how to begin to love yourself:
1. Smile at yourself often - either in the mirror or just to yourself and really feel the
happy feeling that comes from that. It has great power. This also releases tension and
ease you into whatever you are doing.
2. Put yourself first more often - If you are used to putting everyone else's desires
and needs before yours, it's time to switch things up. Be gentle and firm about it and go
for it. You matter just as much as everyone else.
3. Look at your body with acceptance, not criticism - This doesn't mean that you are
in the best shape of your life and should never seek to change. It just means that selfcriticism won't get you to change and it actually makes things worse, so accept where
things are first with love.
4. Fill yourself with kind words and thoughts - You become your thoughts, and we
talk about this more in the program. For now, love yourself by replacing the self-critical
chatter in your head with the opposite - with kindness, and gentleness, and with a big
proud "oh yeah" praise for who you are.
5. Do something just for yourself - And do this without feeling an ounce of guilt or
shame. This can be ordering something for you, enjoying a luxury alone, or indulging in
solitude with your favorite cuppa tea and a book. Do it feeling worthy of it because, well,
you just are!
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #1:
Louise Hay is an incredible woman that has turned her deep struggles into a
revolutionary lesson in mindset in such a way that it relates to millions of people.
Millions! Think about the power and influence of one person! Even in her late 80s, she
shines like a beacon of light.
I want to share with you Louise's non-negotiable morning rule. It sounds simple at first
but don't let it fool you! This is true inner work for the soul and it will be your 5-second
homework every single day:
When you wake up and greet the mirror first thing in the morning, before brushing your
teeth or combing your hair, look at yourself in that mirror and say, "I love you. I really
love you."
That's right! Remind yourself audibly that you love you and really mean it. Say it with
ease, with naturalness, and don't worry if it sounds silly. Silly can be healing, and
healing is what matters here, and so commit, and do this daily for yourself.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #1: Loving Yourself Truly and Deeply
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #1:
Blog Post:
39 Affirmations that Release Self-Hatred and Allow Self-Love
Audio Podcast:
First Rule of Confidence: Love Thyself
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #2: STRENGTHENING YOUR SENSE OF
SELF-ESTEEM AND SELF-WORTH
"Yours is the energy that makes your world. There are no limitations to the self except
those you believe in."
~Jane Roberts
Your self-worth is your own measure of how worthy and deserving of living, having, and
doing you deem yourself to be. There is no reason why you should deny yourself a
healthy dose of self-esteem but our emotions rarely agree with logic, right?
See, self-esteem is more about who you are, rather than what you do. Self-esteem isn't
measured in your accomplishments or your track record of success in life - whatever
you may consider those to be. Self-esteem is independent of all that; it stems
completely from inside of you and it is part of your being, not your "doing".
It can take a while to come to some realizations in life but I really believe we all come to
the truth sooner or later. The problem is that sometimes, it's later and we lose SO much
time and so much of life in the process - and it turns out we can't go back and relive
those years, so if you can change things sooner, it will gain you more happiness in the
long term.
Remember, you have now, you have the present moment and you can do something
about that, and about all the other moments and days and weeks and years that follow.
You still have a chance today to believe and decide about your self-worth and the good
news is that you make that decision without a committee, without the approval of others,
and without any help from society or friends.
You are it, baby! You Decide!
How to Strengthen Your Sense of Self-Esteem & Self-Worth:
So yes, you alone decide whether you are worthy of a good life, a good job, a good
partner, good money ... or not. You alone make that decision in your mind and whatever
you decide will manifest itself in your life.
For instance, if you have low self-worth, that means that you decided at some point that
you do not deserve happiness, success, money, whatever it may be, and now it has
become your reality. And no matter how badly you want those things, you will be
resistant to it because you have decided that you are not worthy of having them.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #2: Strengthening Your Sense of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
The reasons that bring you to this decision do not matter much here. You may have
decided that based on circumstances and experiences of your life. You may have been
told that by others and blame them for your misfortune. Your negative self can justify
that to the end of time. It doesn't matter, but as soon as you decide it to be true, it will be
so.
Deciding that you are not worthy was probably a quick decision. It did not take you
years of analysis to do that. Negative decisions in our life usually take very little time thank you, human nature!
But on the flip side, that means, you can just as well reverse the process and decide
that you are worthy of incredible happiness, inner-peace and other wonderful things in
life. The challenge is that as easily as we embrace negativity in life, so as strongly do
we resist the positivity. Our human nature loves to fight changes that put the power of
decision in our own hands, but that is where your power is, my dear, in your very own
hands.
How do you "change your mind" then about your self-worth?
You do it gently and persistently.
First you decide you are worthy - no proof necessary, thank you, you JUST are, then
you work on believing it. I know, it seems I am simplifying but I hate to tell you this is all
it takes. You Decide!
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #2:
If our thoughts are that powerful, it is worth paying attention to them if only for
experimenting.
Here's your assignment: Please write down 1 thought around self-worth that you keep
telling yourself. Maybe you keep saying "I don't deserve it.", "I shouldn't ask for that.", "I
am not worthy of him/her."
Then take that thought, and believe the opposite. You don't have to "do" anything. Just
choose to believe the opposite and tell yourself this new thought every day for the next
2 weeks. The new thought could be: "Yes, I do deserve this.", "I should definitely ask for
that.", and "I am SO worthy of him/her." Got it?
Make a decision on your own self-worth because what you believe will become your
reality, be patient with yourself during this one - it may take some time - and do your
homework with enthusiasm.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #2:
Blog Post:
Trading in Insecurity and Doubt for Self-Confidence: 8 Starter Tips
Audio Podcast:
Top 8 Healthy Ways to Interact with Yourself
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #3: TRADING IN YOUR SELF-DOUBT FOR
SELF-ASSURANCE
"I wish I could show you,
When you are lonely or in darkness,
The astonishing light of your own being."
~Hafiz
I am one confident woman today but the days when I was filled with irrational doses of
self-doubt and denial are not too long ago.
On the outside, I appeared as a bundle of energy and excitement to everyone but I held
on to so many doubts: Am I living my life the right way? Am I making the right choices in
my career (the answer to that one turned out to be a big fat no!). Should I be taking the
advice of other people or listen to my own inner voice? On and on and on it went the
inner struggle. Oh joy!
Self-doubt is crippling. Self-doubt stops you from making smart decisions and taking
positive action, and you end up missing out on opportunities all the time.
Self-doubt makes you second guess everything to an unhealthy degree; it creeps in with
this annoying itch-like feeling and robs you of your confidence. It is like stepping on
quicksand and you know how well that turns out.
Self-doubt is exhausting and draining, and I bet you can do without it just fine!
How to Trade in Your Self-Doubt for Self-Assurance:
So how do you deal with this monster and instead fill your mind with positive
empowering self-belief and self-assurance? You have to trust yourself first. You have to
be willing to bet on yourself and your choices.
When it comes to decisions, if you have done your research and your homework, you
are making the best choices with the information at hand. So then commit to your
instincts at that point and give it a chance to work out.
I want to give you 4 questions to ask yourself for when you get into the self-doubt loop.
These questions and the obvious answers will help you break the cycle and set you at
ease. Remember, this takes practice and you need to do it more than once.
Here are your 4 questions to ask every time you are faced with self-doubt in the next
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #3: Trading in Your Self-doubt for Self-Assurance
decision:
1. What if I make a mistake?
So what? If you think anyone else - especially the super successful people - has lived a
life without mistakes, you are just fooling yourself. Make Your Mistakes. You will make
more way for success.
2. Where is the self-doubt coming from?
It is fine to explore the source of self-doubt without wallowing in the insecurities that it
brings you. Ask yourself gently where and why the feeling arises and listen to your inner
voice for answers.
3. Am I willing to lose out on this opportunity because of self-doubt?
The answer is most often a big resounding no, so don't let self-doubt get in the way. The
weight of regret is always worse. Just make a deal with yourself that this one time, you
will push through. Then do it again next time around.
4. Are the rewards I could get well worth pushing past the self-doubt?
Rewards come with risks, and that is just how things work. If the rewards are not worth
your while and you would rather spend time in self-doubt, then forget it. No risk, no
reward. But if you crave the potential outcome, gently push self-doubt out of your way.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #3:
First hand experience is the best feeling, nothing beats it. Not only is it real proof that
you are applying what you learned, it also makes you highly likely to do it again,
because you will crave the feeling, just you wait!
So your homework is to apply the 4 questions above to the next situation that fills you
with self-doubt and the ideal goal is to be able to push past the self-doubt with self-belief
and confidence. It always helps to have a good look at what self-doubt is robbing from
you. It will spring you to take the steps in this series to reverse the process.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #3:
Blog Post:
10 Steps to Ending Your Self-Limiting Beliefs Fast
Audio Podcast:
Moving Through Doubts and Fears
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #4: CHANGING YOUR THOUGHTS WITH
GENTLE INTENTIONS
"Our intention creates our reality."
Wayne Dyer
Up until I left my corporate job in May 2011, I used to be all about forcing myself into a
high state of self-discipline and a goal-oriented state of mind. I really believed that's the
only way you can improve yourself... and it does work, but alas, there is a much better
way to go about it.
Instead of ever forcing yourself to change your thoughts, followed generally by
punishing yourself when you fall back on the old thoughts, what if you made it
effortless?
What if you created an effortless AND effective way to change the bad, negative
thoughts that run through your mind every day or every hour?
What if, in their place, you created space for positive affirming thoughts that give you
energy instead of draining you and what if you did this without going to a dozen
"Positive Thinking" workshops or read 50 books?
How to Change Your Thoughts with Gentle Intentions:
So there is this thing called intention and it turns out to be pretty powerful.
It's not forceful or loud or obnoxious like Goal Setting or Deadlines or Discipline. It's not
a method that says "Only positive thinking allowed from this moment forward" and then
counts up all every single negative thought you have in a journal to dish you up all the
guilt in the world for messing up. Oh goodness, the sabotage that we create for our poor
selves. No! No, no no, no!
Setting an intention means you make yourself a commitment, and you do it quietly and
privately and on your terms.
The intention from a deep place where it first aligns to your values, and it is more about
removing what doesn't work than about making you change everything you do or the
way you do it. It is a type of commitment that honors who you are and what you want
but doesn't allow you to destroy yourself in the process!
An intention means you really desire the outcome of this commitment, which in this case
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #4: Changing Your Thoughts with Gentle Intentions
is positive thinking. It means that you crave the way you will feel - yes FEEL - when you
have those positive thoughts and that keeps you committed.
It also means that you will absolutely stumble but you won't welcome guilt or shame as
a result. You will just remember your intention, return to it and start over again.
When I first learned this system, the only thing I did quietly was laugh at it! "Oh Really!
Is it that simple then?" So you might laugh too. You might be looking for a big hidden
super secret answer to "positive thinking".
Well, I am here to tell you that intentions work, and it has worked for massively
successful and influential people in this world and it continues to work.
So your how-to for changing negative thoughts into positive thoughts is less akin to
thunder and more like a sprinkle of rain. As you know, both will get your hair and your
face wet and cleanse those negative thoughts and purify you with positive thoughts.
So if we can create any reality with our intention, let us then choose a magnificently
positive one.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #4:
As you can imagine, your homework is to set your intention - maybe your first one ever.
That's wonderful. You can set it in your heart or write it down or record it digitally or do
whatever feels right. Then you repeat it to yourself every day until your next lesson
arrives.
Remember, your intention needs to be 2 things:
1. Specific, not vague. Example: I intend to stop the negative thoughts that come to
me first thing in the morning.
2. Loving and persistent. Example: I really intend to be positive around my spouse
and if I fail, that's OK. I will just continue to honor my intention until I get it right.
Think about the power of negative thoughts and positive thoughts and which one you
would rather have guiding your life. Then learn about the power of intention and how it
works.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #4:
Blog Post:
The Power of Intention
The Power of Positive Thinking: 22 Thoughts to Change Your Life
Audio Podcast:
Bringing an Intention to Every Interaction
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #5: ACCEPTING THIS TRUTH: "I AM
ENOUGH."
"Every thought we think is creating our future."
~ Louise Hay
The internal judgement that you create is worse than any external judgement anyone
could ever pass on you, just imagine that for a second, and I will explain why.
This is simply because the destructive power of our own mind cannot be surpassed by
anything in the extent of the damage and harm to the self and yet we do little to strip it
of such powers.
We can pass the worst punishment over to ourselves if we choose to believe the awful
whispers in our ears that we are not enough.
I know you know this. You are intelligent and you understand that it makes no sense to
have these thoughts but your feelings disagree and so the thoughts persist, and thus
the not-so-funny cycle of terrible patterns.
You get caught up in this crazy battle where the lack of common sense is on the one
side and the severe judgement of yourself on the other, and somehow, someway, the
judgement always wins!
Really unfair if you ask me so let's focus on what we can do to give common sense a
few wins, too.
How to Accept this Truth: "I Am Enough":
Before we can learn the how, let's just ask the why. Why might you tell yourself that you
are not enough? Why not tell yourself the opposite?
And if you tell yourself the opposite, just how does it feel? Let's try it:
"I am more than enough. I am wonderful. I am talented, beautiful with many moments of
brilliance."
Don't worry - no one is here to hear you. It's just you and your thoughts and you can
create new thoughts. Remember that.
If saying the above felt good, and honest, and made you feel lighter and happier about
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #5: Accepting this Truth: "I am enough."
life, EVEN if it made you feel a bit awkward, why not say this to yourself?
Until our thoughts can answer the question why we are not enough, I think we should
tell our thoughts that we most certainly are. What do you think?
Too simple? Perhaps but what if the changes that need to happen in your mindset are
simple and we over-complicate them? And most likely, you have tried many other ways
to change, so humor me and let's try this one too.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #5:
So for the next two weeks and until your next lesson, your homework is effortless and
yet effective if you just commit to it:
Simply tell yourself the opposite of your usual limiting thoughts, every time you hear the
negativity creep in. If you hear yourself mocking this, like before, ignore it. No fighting.
No drama. Just ignore the chatter that goes on in your head and focus on the simple
task at hand.
Focus on the positive because what you focus on tends to grow a lot more.
If you fall back into the negative side, there is no punishment. Just start over. Again and
again, and yet again.
Remember that you can create new thoughts - this is very powerful - and more
importantly, you can discard old thoughts, even if they don't disappear from our
"system" in a few minutes or even a few days, they eventually will.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #5:
Blog Post:
The Only 100 Affirmations You Will Ever Need
Audio Podcast:
Banning these 10 Phrases from Your Vocabulary
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #6: BECOMING YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND,
NOT YOUR OWN WORST ENEMY
"Silence is the true friend that never betrays."
~ Confucius
First, let's define worst enemy and best friend as it relates to the self, shall we?
Your own worst enemy means you do harm to yourself, either physically or
emotionally or mentally. You do things that get in the way of your health, wealth and
success and even if you do them subconsciously, their impact is not any less. And it
ruins your confidence in the process.
Your own best friend means that you are an ally, a partner, a kind teacher to yourself.
It means you forgive yourself for your mistakes and push yourself gently in the direction
of your goals and dreams. You remove whatever gets in your way, rather than getting in
your own way! And it builds your confidence little by little.
Just the thought of being our own worst enemy is bizarre and strange, and I know none
of us want to admit that we are harmful and hateful towards our own self; that's OK.
What's not OK though is having those feelings and acting on them, even if you are the
only person knowing it. But you cannot hide from them forever, so let's learn how to
push them away and learn instead to become our own best friend.
How to Become Your Own Best Friend, Not Worst Enemy:
Imagine the inner peace when all of you - your mind, body, heart and spirit - is moving in
the same direction, and imagine a you where there is no inner conflict anymore. That's
what you can look forward to when you start to become a friend to yourself, rather than
a critical judge and essentially, an enemy. You can still be a firm, ambitious, aspiring
friend, sure, but a friend nonetheless.
Here are some patterns to recognize and reverse from enemy to friend in your
interactions with the self:
Recognize #1 Pattern - You call yourself a loser, an idiot, or worse things, and
somewhere deep down, you kinda mean it. You do this without even thinking about it.
Sometimes, it's just a voice in your head, other times, more audible. This is the voice of
the enemy.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #6: Becoming Your Own Best Friend, Not Your Own Worst Enemy
Reverse #1 Pattern - Stop it in its tracks next time you hear it. Reply by saying, "No I
am actually NOT a loser, an idiot or anything of such. I am brilliant, I am smart, I am
beautiful and those are facts." Just repeat that loud. Yell it out if you have to. Then do it
again when the voice returns. Do it until that voice fades away and you start to
BELIEVE in your own beauty and brilliance. Call yourself a winner. Bet on you, not
against you!
Recognize #2 Pattern - You belittle yourself, your work, your credentials, your
qualifications, and your whole self when you are describing yourself to others. You give
little significance to your own self-worth. Example: "Oh I just have a tiny little business,
not much." "Oh I just work the admin stuff, no biggie." "Oh I just created this little speech
to give. It's nothing." Don't do that. This is total self-sabotage!
Reverse #2 Pattern - Next time this happens, stop talking. Just stop. And let everything
else that comes out to be a beautiful celebration of who you are. Think big of who you
are and what you offer the world. This is not about feeling better and higher than others.
This is all about how much you value the person inside and all that she/he has done.
Next time, say instead: "I have a growing and thriving business and I am very proud of
it." Say that even if you are not making a penny in profits because it is still true. Believe
in yourself and be a supporter to your own efforts and triumphs.
Recognize #3 Pattern - You immediately dismiss opportunity and challenge as
impossible. You might say to a friend, "Oh I could never do that. I could never give that
up. I could never lose this weight. I can't do what you do. I am not ...." and on and on
and on. And you've heard the saying, "whether you think you can or you can't, you are
right." So, stop the voice of the enemy.
Reverse #3 Pattern - This one takes a shift in perspective because the first time you do
it, you may not have proof that it works, so just trust the process. The next time you
hear yourself use those phrases, say, "You know what, I am going to look into that. I bet
it would be fun, interesting, difficult but I am willing to give it a go." And then go out and
do it and see what happens.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #6:
As you can imagine your homework is all outlined above. I shared with you only 3
patterns but there are countless others that we could go into. In the next few days,
simply recognize these destructive patterns in yourself and first, learn to stop them. Just
learning to do this is huge progress.
If you want bonus and "extra credit!", then practice reversing your patterns, and start
with the small stuff. No achievement is too small in this category.
Don't forget that the relationship that you have with yourself is the most important
relationship and the only one that lasts a lifetime. Every chance that you get, examine
the subtle and not-so-subtle ways that you treat yourself and always aim to move
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #6: Becoming Your Own Best Friend, Not Your Own Worst Enemy
toward a truly rich and nurturing relationship.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #6:
Blog Post:
7 Things You Can't Forget if You Want to Live in Harmony with Yourself
Audio Podcast:
How to Interact with the Clumsy Side of You
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #7: MOVING THROUGH YOUR FEARS AND
INSECURITIES
"Named must your fear be before banish it you can."
~ Yoda
It took me a while to really get this concept: "The only way out is through." And now that
I get it, I still don't like it because it takes work and conscious effort, but it is a big relief
to know that when you do go through something, you can come OUT of it. That you can
have closure with that feeling, in our case, the feeling of insecurity and fear.
There is not a single person that I know who has not felt a measure of fear and
insecurity. You are normal. So very normal. In fact, feeling the fear and insecurity is not
a problem in and of itself. What can become a problem is when you allow the fear and
the insecurity to make your decisions for you, or to stop you from making decisions
altogether.
When fear and insecurity decide you are not ready to start that business or write that
book you've been dreaming about or take that class or strike up that conversation, then
it's time to take some action because now, they are getting in your way, and even a
peaceful warrior knows when it's time to clear the path.
Let's clear the path for you now, shall we?
How to Move In and Through Your Fears and Insecurities:
The only way out of feeling fearful is going through your fears. You can't make the fear
disappear - you cannot wish it away. And you most definitely should not wait around for
it to take a hike - it is more patient than you and it won't go anywhere. :)!
Best to go out there and face the fear and the insecurity, accept that it exists and that it
is a part of you, and then soak it all up, expose yourself to it, stand there all wallowed in
fear and insecurity and just see what happens.
Maybe you tremble a little. Maybe you want to run. Maybe you get nauseous. Maybe
you feel nothing. But let yourself FEEL the fear and this shows you one thing: That fear
in and of itself does not kill or harm you. You survive the fear itself. It is the thought of it
that does the damage.
So after you've done this once, commit to going through your fears again. I know, it's
easy to say but I have walked my talk - every single word that you read in this series or
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #7: Moving Through Your Fears and Insecurities
on my blog and that's the only way that I trust and know that it works.
I have walked through my fears and made them powerless in the process. That's what
you want - you want to accept them and then take away their power and their hold over
you.
Then and only then can you start to step into your own freedom.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #7:
Your homework here is a little challenging but only at the beginning stage. That means,
you might be nervous at first but then when you start doing it, you will feel better about
yourself.
Pick one of those fears and insecurities. Just one. Make it a clear and specific one - like
fear of striking up conversations with new people at a cocktail party - OK? Got your fear
or insecurity down?
Now, begin now. Visualize yourself at that cocktail party (or in whatever scenario your
fear and insecurity lies). Imagine the whole scene - music, people and the drinks with a
little umbrella in them - and then go through the motions of opening the lines of
conversation with one person.
Since we are imagining, please imagine yourself as confident, happy and brilliant in the
exercise. That's the truth anyway but sometimes, we need a little encouragement.
After the visualization exercise, during the next 2 week window, find a cocktail party - or
your particular scenario - and strike up just one conversation - do that one thing that
scares you.
Whatever comes of it doesn't matter. The exercise is in the doing. So all you have to do
is find one such opportunity and use it to move through your fear, come out the other
side and live to tell about it.
So be brave, muster up courage and agree to give yourself one chance to go through
your fears and insecurities - they will not harm you - and the exhilaration that comes
from moving through those emotions is worth every bead of sweat and anxiety - plus it
gets a lot easier over time.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #7:
Blog Post:
12 Reasons to Keep Going When You Feel Scared and Insecure
Audio Podcast:
Conversations with Fear
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #8: BREAKING OUT OF SELF-SABOTAGE
CYCLES
"A person's worst enemy can't wish on him what he can think up himself."
~ A Yiddish Proverb
When I first heard about self-sabotage, I was too proud to think that any such
destructive behavior could be associated with myself. I felt sorry that people suffered
from this but hardly related to it. Then I got older and started to see the insane patterns
of self-sabotage in my own behavior.
Yikes! What a rude (and embarrassing!) wake-up call!
Self-sabotage gives you permission to act as a victim, but you forget that you are also
the villain and therefore in charge of the sabotage, and as such, you can stop these
patterns.
So awareness is the very first step in getting back in control.
I see self-sabotage similar to abuse; the victims of abuse sadly often do not know that
they are being abused, especially if their environment has not shown them any better.
Well, in self-sabotage, you are the villain and the victim, and if you've sabotaged your
own chances of success and happiness too many times, you might think this is just the
way you are and you can do nothing about it.
How to Break Out of Self-Sabotage Cycles:
Alright, so how exactly do you break out of self-sabotage cycles. It can be tricky to
change thought behaviors and patterns that have taken shape over the years, I totally
agree. All you need to know - and believe - is that it IS possible and right now, that's
what we are going to go with.
It is possible to change the cycles of self-sabotage by these 3 simple steps:
Do it both ways: Let's say you just can't help a self-sabotage pattern, such as
intentionally messing up your chances for a promotion at work every time you get close
to it. That's fine. I just want to ask you to also do the opposite.
Huh? OK, let me explain. So I am not telling you to stop the self-sabotage. Not just yet.
All I am asking you is to give the opposite behavior a chance.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #8: Breaking Out of Self-Sabotage Cycles
You are just adding something to the equation. In this case, the next time around, you
must do your absolute best for that promotion, you must go way out of your way to get
it, you must try your hardest to succeed. If you don't get it, you can go back to your selfsabotage cycles.
If you do get it, well, you've won over self-sabotage. A win-win exercise, you see?
Let it happen naturally: Forcing the matter works some of the time but I want to focus
on a gentle approach. What if you let self-sabotage come to an end on its own terms but
you give it a bit of help?
If you have encountered many self-sabotage incidents, you can clearly identify when
and how you are ruining your chances at success. So just tell yourself, maybe that's
enough for now. Maybe we take a break for a little while and let ourselves go with the
flow of life.
Give yourself a vacation from self-sabotage, say 2 weeks or 3 weeks. And treat it just
like a vacation - You Are Away - and see if anything happens on this time away to your
behavioral patterns. Your mind can adapt to the idea of not doing something for a 2-3
week break much easier than a drastic change ... and the results may just surprise you.
Recruit a friend to help: This one is gonna need one of your trusted friends, someone
with whom you don't feel ashamed to admit your self-sabotage behavior and I bet you
anything, they have something similar of their own.
Now, you ask this lovely friend of yours to just keep an eye on you and when she/he
sees that you are going toward that awful cycle, have them just give you a nudge.
Nothing more. Have them do it a few times gently and quietly, without telling you to "fix
anything". As a result, see if you don't start to pay more attention and become far more
conscious of your behavior.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #8:
There is so much work you can do toward ending the self-sabotage cycles. We have
only just scratched the surface. Just know that this is a behavior that is generally deep
rooted so be patient and gentle with yourself while you work on it.
For your homework, start by picking only one of the 3 cycle-breakers from above and
practice it in your daily routine. Take your time. This is a big shift and it will start with
these powerful yet subtle steps.
Tell yourself gently that you are going to break out of the cycles of self-sabotage, if not
today or even tomorrow, then someday but you are committed to the promise.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #8:
Blog Posts:
The Anatomy of Self-Sabotage
9 Acts of Self-Sabotage You Must Give Up to Be Happy
Audio Podcast:
How to Make Awkward Requests
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #9: ENDING THE PROCRASTINATION GAME
NOW
"Nothing is so fatiguing as the eternal hanging on of an uncompleted task."
~William James
Enough already with putting things off! You and I are going to figure this out today and
find a way to turn it around because it is becoming a problem, and pretty soon, the days
and the years will run out and we will not have the wonderful chance of the present
time, we won't be sitting here with all the opportunities of the NOW because we will
have procrastinated ....
I look back at my life, and shudder at just how much time I lost when I put things off. Do
you feel that way too? Sometimes, I would get so tired of seeing the same thing on my
list week after week, month after month, that I would decide to not do it altogether. I'd
scratch it off in hopes of forgetting it altogether.
Then one day, I was fed up with breaking promises and commitments to myself, and I
decided that it is high time to stop the procrastination game. I made a contract with
myself because I could no longer stand the feeling of looking back at things left undone.
You know the opposite of that horrid feeling?
It is the magnificent feeling of completion and the energy of accomplishment!
You know how much inner peace you get with accomplishing something you really
wanted. That feeling, that energy of completion, propels you further in life than the
actual thing you accomplished, and I am telling you, it beats any momentary pleasure
that procrastination can ever bring about.
How to End the Procrastination Game Now:
Procrastination can happen to the best of us, don't feel alone please. You can have your
tasks all written down and dated, you can be nice and organized but it just doesn't
happen. You pull excuses out of thin air to avoid them. You can't start on them for the
life of you, and before you know it, 2 weeks is gone and nothing is done.
I have discovered 3 reasons as to why we procrastinate, even though we are driven
and ambitious and intelligent people, and how we can change that behavior.
Here are the 3 reasons you procrastinate and how to change it:
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Step #9: Ending the Procrastination Game Now
Reason #1 - Lack of interest or passion
Tell me, do you ever procrastinate things you LOVE to do? Probably not. When you
don't have passion and interest though, you tend to slow down, and if you lack this
feeling around your tasks and projects, you will procrastinate. It's human nature!
So can you be more selective about those tasks? Can you be more purposeful in
aligning your to-do to things you care about? If you have a lot of resistance, don't blame
procrastination right away. Take a step back and examine the resistance. Ask yourself
why you feel this way and can you change things up in such a way that you are more
excited about the task first?
Reason #2 - Not Enough Clarity
If you don't define your tasks clearly, and just put down vague notions of what you
should do, like "Be more productive", "Get a better job", "Save some money", "Work on
your relationship", no wonder you can't make any progress. Nothing is defined fully or
clearly.
So put focus on clarity first. Define every task or the project clearly first. This will not
take time; it will give you time back in the long run. For example: "Lose 10 pounds by
summer time with cycling 3 times a week at the downtown studio and yoga 2 times a
week at home, plus a vegan diet between now and then."
Reason #3 - Fearful and Unprepared for Success
Any change from status quo is scary at first, even if you want it with all your might. It is
just human nature but did you know that you can even fear great changes, such as
becoming a super successful and wealthy person? It is absolutely true.
Sometimes, we procrastinate because we are afraid of success. So to battle this one,
just prepare in advance for your success. Visualize it, daydream it, live it in your mind.
Maybe you are not ready to have your big break and well, doing nothing - i.e.,
procrastination - is the safest bet that it won't be happening.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #9:
Your homework this time takes some introspection. Review those tasks and projects
that you are sitting on right now. Choose one singular task that has been weighing on
you for months. Go through the reasons above and see which one can apply to your
situation.
If you find the reason for your procrastination, then you can start to work toward a
solution. And if you can do it once, you can do it again. So give it a go!
Listen, I know how frustrating it can be to go through periods where procrastination
seems to run your life but it doesn't. You run your life! And with tiny changes like the 3
reasons above, you are going to make a huge progress.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #9: Ending the Procrastination Game Now
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #9:
Blog Post:
18 Radical Ways to End Procrastination
Audio Podcast:
Clarity in Your Interactions
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #10: STANDING UP TO STRESS WITH
SELF-CARE
"Tension is who you think you should be. Relaxation is who you are."
~Chinese Proverb
That's right. We are going to stand up to stress, and with self-care, I don't mean you
should smile a lot, play soft music and take a bubble bath. Those are good, yes but I
want you to go deeper. I want you to discover that place inside where you always hold
space for inner-peace, and remember it well so you can keep returning to it.
I am sure you know as well as I do, through common knowledge, the enormous damage
and harm that stress can do to us in body, mind and spirit. It has been linked to far too
many diseases and illnesses and we know this, we understand the statistics, and we
see proof of it everyday and yet we do little to reduce stress in our jobs and personal
lives.
And when stress takes over our lives, it also takes hold of our self-confidence and it is a
power too great to fight. You cannot really fight stress, so much as you can reduce it
and lessen its impact on you.
So how do you do that? Well, you start with the source of stress. What is causing this
stress? You know the answer, I know you do. Maybe your mind is clouded now that you
are stressed, but if you really examine things, you will figure out what is causing you
stress and start there.
How to Stand Up to Stress with Self-Care:
Here, I want you to focus not so much on the source of stress - which is extremely
important in itself - but instead focus on the power of self-care in calming you and
helping you manage your stress.
Are you willing to do that for yourself, if only as a little experiment?
I have 12 quick self-care tips for you to manage that stress. You do not have to doall
of these. You just have lots of options when it comes to self-care!
1. Maintain good posture. Sit up and stand up tall all the time, with shoulders back and
head straight.
2. Walk looking ahead and slightly up, rather than looking down, and keep a good
pace.
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Step #10: Standing Up to Stress with Self-Care
3. Deep breathing during all situations, make it a habit to take big long breath in, hold
it two seconds, then push it out.
4. Meditate daily for at least 15 minutes. Or call it prayer, quietude, but do it.
5. Acknowledge your negative thoughts and then release them. Let Them Go.
6. Exercise everyday. Do something that makes you move and shake your body. Be
happy about your exercise routine.
7. Get your rest. Get the sleep, get the nap, get the quiet, get the rest.
8. Be kind and patient with any injuries. You must heal first before you can run again!
9. Dress well, even if you work at home. Shower, wear flattering clothes and even do
your hair and makeup (as applicable ;)).
10. Eat well, consume raw foods, drink fresh squeezed juices, chew your food, and eat
slowly.
11. Find silence and quiet for a part of everyday just to reset yourself and gain
perspective.
12. Hold a meeting of one, with yourself, at the beginning and end of each day and
ask how you are doing. Just asking makes you feel better.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #10:
Self-care can be serious work if you do it all at once but I am a fan of small healthy bites
in this series. They don't overwhelm you but they still go a long way to helping you deal
with stress and healing your confidence from within.
So from the list of 12 above, pick 1 thing to do each day for the next 12 days. Repeat
some if you like them. Mix it up. Have fun. Create your own self-care ritual.
Embrace your self-care and be a little selfish and a lot self-nurturing. This will go a long
way to improve your self-confidence. After all, have you ever met a person who was
highly self-confident but extremely low in self-care?
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #10:
Blog Post:
8 Ways to Handle Stress
Audio Podcast:
The 2 Ultimate Relaxing Techniques
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #11: ELIMINATING YOUR CLUTTER TO SEE
YOUR LIFE CLEARLY
"Perfection is not when there is no more to add, but no more to take away."
~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery
The idea is for you and the clutter to part ways and that is a critical step on a path to
becoming a confident person.
There are two main forms of clutter: Physical and emotional.
Physical clutter = no explanation necessary, right? We have all come into possession
of great, cool shiny objects that later at some point became useless or outdated or
simply worn out. Then they sit there, taking up space while serving no purpose. Hence,
clutter.
Emotional clutter = the invisible thoughts, feelings, emotions and mental states that
you occupy in your mind and heart, that serve you poorly or sabotage your chances of
success. Maybe at some point in your life, the emotion served a purpose, it was useful
and even necessary at the time .... but you have moved on since then and it seems the
emotion hasn't. It's still there.
In the context of this lesson, we talk about emotional clutter - the real fun one!
For instance, it makes sense to grieve the loss of a friendship when you part ways, but it
makes less sense holding on to the drama and harmful impact of that friendship long
after the relationship is over. That, my friend, is an example of emotional clutter and you
CAN do something about it.
How to Eliminate Clutter In Order to See Clearly:
The job of clutter is to create noise and to fog up your clarity.
When this noise and fog shows itself, it is not easy to stay clear and focused. But notice,
I did not say that the clutter gets in the way, I said it wants to get in the way. At that
moment, you have choices, just as we always do in every life situation and somehow,
we always seem to forget it!
Except this time, you won't forget it because you are on a mission to become a
confident human being so let's move in that direction that right now.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #11: Eliminating Your Clutter to See Your Life Clearly
The options, as I was saying.
Option #1 is to let your guard down and to allow the emotional clutter to consume you
and repeat its destructive behavior patterns. You already know the outcome and the
cost of this situation: time, money, effort, patience, you name it.
I do admit, Option #1 is easier because we want the path of least resistance, and our
old and comfy mental state is the best place to go, even if it's not good for us. We've
made friends with emotional clutter after all these years, you see?
That brings us to the Option #2: To catch yourself and stop the pattern before you
succumb to the force of habit. That's all. It's not a deep and painful challenge. It's simply
a moment of 'uh-uh, I am doing that again' and just take a deep breath. Pause. Wait a
few minutes. If you can help it, don't even talk and just reflect on what is happening to
your body and mind.
Then, if you still feel absolutely compelled to go through the emotional clutter, do it.
That's fine. But when it's over, you owe it to yourself to examine what it did to you, you
owe it to yourself to remember how that felt - and how far that feeling is from how you
want to feel, i.e., confident.
Then repeat this again: next time you are nearing the repetition, catch yourself. Deep
breath. Pause. Wait. Do nothing. Think through what will happen if you give in. Gather
your strength about you. Call some courage to your side, and maybe this time, don't
give in?
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #11:
You won't know until you try it. Right? And that brings us to your homework, which is
precisely what I outlined in Option #2. Catch yourself in the midst of it and stop and
reverse the pattern.
So take a stock of those emotional clutters, be really observant of your own patterns,
and do it without berating yourself or coming down harsh. Do it simply for discovering
more about yourself. The cleansing process comes with your homework and with time,
but as you remove more clutter, you clear more room for confidence and clarity.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #11:
Blog Posts:
Can't Keep Up? 11 Ways to Simplify Your Life
Elimination: Clearing the Path to Your Success
Audio Podcast:
Eliminating What's Not Working
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #12: DEFENDING YOUR DREAMS AND
DESIRES CONFIDENTLY
"Nothing happens unless first we dream."
~ Carl Sandburg
When it comes to your kids, your families, or even your dogs, defending them to the end
of the world seems natural and unquestionable, right? When it comes to your pride,
your reputation, or your right to something, you most likely have no qualms putting up a
fight and protecting those emotional assets either.
But what do you do when it comes to your dreams? When someone mocks or belittles a
dream or a desire that you shared in a moment of vulnerability, what do you do?
Do you recoil into your shell and decide that indeed, it is a silly little dream, and who are
you to think that you can achieve something so spectacular?
Do you whisper to yourself, "Boy, do I ever regret bringing that up! I feel embarrassed to
put my innocence and stupidity out there."
If this situation sounds rare in your life and you don't have any issues standing up like a
peaceful and proud warrior to anyone who shoots down any of your dreams, then I
salute you and give you permission to skip the rest of this email.
But if you have even a bit of hesitation to defend your dreams, then we need to talk
because dreams are important stuff!
I realize the irony here. You're probably saying, "Oh but Farnoosh, it *takes* confidence
to defend those dreams first !" Well, perhaps. What if, this one time, we decided to do
things in reverse?
What if we tricked our mind to accept that first, we will defend our dreams, then, and
perhaps even in the process, we will emerge confident. And I'll tell you what. If it doesn't
work, then you don't ever have to reverse processes for me for as long as you and I
stay in contact. Deal?
Thank you for a good sport. Let's keep going!
How to Defend Your Dreams and Desires Confidently:
Great, now you are ready to learn how to defend your dreams.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #12: Defending Your Dreams and Desires Confidently
First, you have to define your dreams and desires - stuff you want to do, the person you
want to become through growth and experience, things you want to own, places you
want to go, people you want to meet, and memories you wish to create - you have some
of those, right?
Alright. Just bring one of those dreams to the forefront of your mind right now.
Let's bring back the stranger with the "muddy shoes". You've just entered a
conversation and shared your dream with this person, and here are some of the
common reactions from the skeptic below:
The realist: Is that even practical or feasible? Do you even know how to start?
The discourager: Huh! Easier said than done! Wishful thinking!
The curious: Why? Who would want to do that and give up comfort and luxury? I don't
get it.
The snarky: That's an odd little dream, isn't it? Well, good for you.... I guess.
The concerned/worried: Oh my gosh, that sounds so risky. Are you sure you can
handle the unknown??
Oh I am exhausted just listing out these negative thoughts out but it's part of our
exercise, thanks for playing along.
Now, the good part: I will give you effective, professional and powerful responses to
help you to stand up to your dreams in each of these circumstances:
To the realist: "I am not sure whether it's possible but it's been done before and I am
fairly confident I can learn the ropes."
To the discourager: "I didn't say anything about easy. I said that is my dream and I
intend to do it. I don't see what hard has to do with it and why I should shy away from
hard work."
To the curious: "Well, sometimes, comfort kills dreams and passions, if not the very
spirit of being alive. Life is nothing without taking risks, and just imagine what it would
feel like to realize a dream. I plan to live a life that allows me to experience that."
To the snarky: "Thank you for your reaction. It may be odd and unusual, but it's my
dream. Our dreams don't always have to make sense to others, as long as they make
sense to us. What is your dream?"
To the concerned: "Please understand that if we do not take risks in life, we take the
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Step #12: Defending Your Dreams and Desires Confidently
biggest risk of all: losing out on whom we could have become, on what we could have
truly accomplished and on how we could have served humanity."
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #12:
Well, what do you think? Do you think you can handle those responses or a variation of
those that feels right to you and your language next time someone attacks one of your
dreams?
I believe you absolutely can. Even this occasion does *not* immediately happen, you
will know what to do if it happens. Remember to hold your ground, without getting all
defensive and loud, and simply use one of those expressions in response.
Take new stock of all your dreams and desires, and get very clear on the things that you
want to have and the person you want to become in your life. It does not matter if it is a
"silly" choice or an unusual one, as long as it makes sense to you and makes your heart
sing.
Then guard your dream as you go through life and don't allow others to walk all over
your dreams, just because they are not brave enough to dream up big dreams of their
own!
Above all: Guard your dreams even if it means not sharing it others.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #12:
Blog Post:
The Downside of Following Your Dreams and What to Do About It
Awaken and Guard Your Dreams
Audio Podcast:
Controlling the Internal Energy
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #13: LISTENING TO YOUR INNER VOICE GUIDANCE BY INTUITION
"Intuition is a spiritual faculty that does not explain, but simply points the way."
~Florence Scovel Shinn
First, it's just us, so let's get any skepticism out in the open. If you feel that intuition is
this "magical sixth sense" in which you may or may not have much faith, that's OK. I can
tell you that I grew up only believing in the power of my mind and the gift of analyzing a
situation and deciding based on pros and cons, etc., not to mention the weight of
everyone else's opinion and suggestions. (Sound familiar?)
Yet looking back at my life, the best, the most life-changing and accurate decisions that I
made came about from using my intuition, my "gut" feel, my real inner voice, and I want
you to give this an honest chance, because it will bring you in touch with your own
power in a way that you will appreciate and transform your life.
What is intuition? Well, you know how sometimes, everything on the surface of a
situation looks and feels right but you have this nagging feeling deep inside that
something is just not right - and you can't quite articulate it .... and then it turns out
something IS really wrong. That is your intuition, your inner intelligence and guidance.
It's when you JUST know, baby!
When you understand the power of intuition and your own inner guidance, you begin to
trust yourself more and from this trust, your confidence begins to rise.
You begin to slowly but surely remove the self-doubt and low self-esteem issues that we
tackled earlier in the series, because doubts and fears come from our interpretation of
the outer world but when you look inward, and tap into your own inner intelligence, you
calm those fears and you quiet those doubts. They don't stand a chance when faced
with a deep sense of intuition and trust in yourself.
How to Listen to Your Inner Voice - Guidance by Intuition:
Every one is born with intuition; you, me and the stranger in between. Intuition is an
inner voice, and it is very different from inner chatter. That is the voice of busy thoughts
and worries and stress that is always whispering to you; and it is usually from a place of
fear. Intuition is from a deep, safe, and wise place inside.
You just need to learn to develop it so you can learn to trust yourself and heed your own
advice in life, and that happens by practice.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #13: Listening to Your Inner Voice - Guidance by Intuition
I have three tips in helping you to get in touch with your intuition. Use these for their own
benefit, but also see if as a result of these, you may not have a stronger sense of selfconfidence after a while:
1. Trusting your gut feel: When you are faced with difficult situations, your gut tells you
something. It may be unclear at first but if you really listen and have a conversation with
yourself, i.e.) What am I worried about? What is bothering me? Who am I concerned
about? Why am I feeling uneasy?, you start to hear yourself come up with faint
answers. Deep down, you know. You just need to articulate it.
2. Meditating daily: This is purely beneficial on its own as a daily practice. Yet, when
you meditate, quiet your mind, and let your intellect take a break. Then just follow your
heart, your feelings, your senses, and see where they take you. Use this time to really
go within. If you have never meditated, start with just sitting still for just 5 minutes a day.
3. Scripting: Scripting or free flow writing is when you allow your thoughts to flow to
paper or to the keyboard without interruption, without analysis or judgement. You go into
an almost meditative state and write without stopping. Scripting is a powerful release of
the human emotions in the form of writing and more often than not, your written words
are a lot better articulated than your spoken words.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #13:
Remember you agreed to give intuition a chance, even if it's a new concept to you. I can
tell you that I have never felt more confident now that I trust my own judgement and now
that my decisions come from a place deep within me, rather than from outside factors.
So give the three methods outlined above a chance. In this exercise, you don't have to
wait for something big to happen. You can look for your intuition in the smallest ways in
your daily life and decisions, and you can build habits of listening to yourself, meditating
daily and scripting often.
Be patient as you tap into your intuition, learn to observe it in different areas of your life,
and learn to listen to your inner voice and distinguish it from the inner chatter, which is
usually from a place of fear and doubt. Learn to hone in on your intuition with the tips
above, and begin to trust yourself more than anyone else out there, because deep
down, you and you alone know what is best for you.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #13:
Blog Post:
How to Put Your Intuition Into Practice
A Manifesto for Meditation
Audio Podcast:
Using Your Intuition for Smarter Communication
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #14: HANDLING CRITICISM AND
REJECTIONS WITH UNSHAKABLE DIGNITY
"To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing."
~Elbert Hubbard
If you sit in a corner and don't move very much and don't say a whole lot, you may just
escape all criticism and rejection in life, but what kind of life is that?
The goal is not to evade rejection or criticism or to be "so good" that you would never
hear them - no such thing is possible and nor is it useful. You grow from the work that
you do as a result of these stumbling blocks along the way. They are an inevitable part
of living fully and putting yourself out there in the world. So then the best and the
brightest thing to do is to learn to handle that criticism and rejection with unshakable
dignity.
You are not a leaf that shakes and falls with a puff of air. You are a strong tree standing
tall and grateful that receives all the criticism and rejection of the world, looks at every
single one as an opportunity to grow taller and greener.
Picture yourself standing tall next to your favorite tree - mine is in near Lake Wakatipu in
New Zealand, a country that gives trees a whole new meaning. Now, wherever your tree
may be, perhaps you can even go to it, I want you to draw strength and courage from it.
I want you to be that tree when the disagreeable climate meets you on your path. Your
tree is silent, it is wise, it is tall and it is firmly grounded. It is beautiful, it is grateful, it is
balanced and accepting of all that comes to it, be it the rough wind, the harsh sun, the
pouring rain or the occasional thunder.
Be inspired, be like your tree because this is the life lesson that is the ultimate test of
your confidence, this proves just how strongly you believe in yourself, and how firmly
you hold fast to your values and dignity.
Remember adversity is when we get tested. It's easy to say we believe something when
everyone is in agreement, all smiles and nods. The real test is when we stand up to our
beliefs in the face of rejection or criticism.
Who do we become in that moment? How do we react? What do we do?
That's the test that makes or breaks us. Let's learn how we can emerge with
unshakable dignity from this test, shall we?
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Step #14: Handling Criticism and Rejections with Unshakable Dignity
How to Handle Criticism and Rejection with Unshakable Dignity:
Why is it so hard to handle these two challenges - criticism and rejection, especially
right when they happen?
I am no different from you - I have been getting better over time, sure but it still hurts a
little when someone rejects me or criticizes my work. My noticeable difference that I
want you learn is this: For me, it lessens in pain and grow in curiosity and learning when
it happens, and that reaction sets the tone for my forward momentum.
Now, how do you do that? You don't wake up one day as a strong warrior and pull up a
shield as your best defense strategy ... and you don't need to - this is not you against
the world, this is you understanding and receiving the world just as it is - every single
incident being pure experience and learning. This is about firming up your own stance
and dignity in the process and to be receptive to growing.
I want to share 2 effective ways to deal with rejection and criticism below:
1st- Become grounded in yourself, hold a high level of faith and belief in your own
ways, your own approach to life, your work, your practice, your actions, your ideals, and
your values in life. Believe it and be it.
2nd- Ask yourself if you know without a shadow of a doubt, with all certainty, whether
this rejection and/or criticism was malicious? Whether it came from a place of harm and
ill intent or is it possible that you made those stories up in your head?
It is from this process that your unshakable dignity comes alive. This is not a "proud"
type of dignity that holds up his head high and looks down on all those who disagree
with him. This is the type of quiet and subtle dignity that comes from a place deep inside
of you that says to the rejection or the criticism:
"I am grateful to know this information, I will learn a lesson from this experience, and I
believe in myself wholeheartedly."
That is the mantra, the words, the phrases, the prayer, the song if you want to sing it,
that I want you to practice in times of adversity.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #14:
Maybe you will have a chance to practice this homework in actuality with a new
situation, or maybe you will have the good fortune of practicing it in a 'pretend' way with
a friend in a conversation.
Either way, I recommend you put your reaction to these 2 challenges to the test,
because, rejections and criticisms stir up a lot of emotions, so when you practice, your
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Step #14: Handling Criticism and Rejections with Unshakable Dignity
knowledge becomes easier to apply under the actual stressful circumstances. So
practice. A lot.
Practice, they say, is 90% of the game, right? Sigh but true. So for the next week or 10
days, find at least one occasion - real or made-up - where you manage your reaction
and the 2 tips I gave you and tell me how you did.
Rejections and criticisms are a part of life, and if you are never getting any, that only
means you are not putting yourself out there and pushing boundaries. So consider it a
good thing to be rejected once in a while and get an earful of criticism to boot and
remember, to stand your ground, tall and grateful and with dignity.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #14:
Blog Post:
How to Talk Your Way Out of Rejection
Audio Podcast:
How to Deal with Rejection
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #15: TALKING TO YOUR FAMILY ABOUT
YOUR UNCONVENTIONAL CHOICES
"The strongest force in the universe is a human being living consistently with his
identity."
~Tony Robbins
This one isn't easy, but we can do it. I still struggle to do this with my own family. Sure,
we love each other, and sure, I no longer - this one only took some 30 odd years ... look for approval for my decisions but that's not always my confidence talking so much
as the general lack of communication that seems to exist in families. And on this one, I
know I am not alone!
I know very few families that truly communicate well across generations, in fact, I wish I
could think of an example right now! But we can gently stir ourselves that direction,
even if we never get there and that is our confident approach to this lesson today.
So there is this popular notion that our families "just want us to be happy"!
With all due respect, my reaction to this notion is one word: Whatever!
Even if that is true on some deep level, I believe that in most cases, either our families
find it shocking that something they do not understand actually makes us happy or they
are so scared and worried about their children taking a different route than what they
had envisioned for them that they miss the happiness factor altogether. It becomes an
issue of safety, security, and stability.
It is really not intentional. They are doing their best with what they know. They are
passing on to us what they believe is the best way to live life. But the natural gaps in
perspective yield frustration, unhappiness, and sometimes, distance, from a pure lack of
communication and understanding.
How do we close these gaps, without giving in to our choices?
How to Talk to Your Family Confidently about your Unconventional Choices:
So how do you confidently tell your family your desires to live an unconventional life, or
a life that does not have a stamp of approval from them? Well, you start by just telling
them.
I believe that the highest desire from our loved ones is to be in the know, to be involved
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Step #15: Talking to Your Family About Your Unconventional Choices
in our life decisions, and so the hurt often comes when you do not involve them in those
decisions more so than the actual decision itself.
This does not mean that you "let them" decide for you, simply that you involve them as
you are making your choice, whether they approve or disapprove. You show them that
you care about what they think, but in the end, you are the ultimate person responsible
for your decisions and its outcomes, good or bad.
For instance, let's say you finish architecture school only to realize that your calling in
life is to be a chef. Not only are you scared to pieces to discover this about yourself, but
you have no idea how to break it to your parents, who just spent the better part of their
savings toward your education. Ouch!
Oprah has a good reaction to this once: "How much is your life really worth?"
If architecture is going to make you miserable, and being a chef is what you crave to do,
then is that happiness worth more or less than the cost of your education. Again, I
repeat my favorite phrase, You Decide. A tough choice, yes, but this is your life and
your decisions shape it every day. If you do not decide, someone decides for you - your
parents, society, your new employer, someone who is not you.
Of course, you could always go the route I did - finish electrical engineering school, not
know what else to do and not giving yourself the permission to even consider other
possibilities and then go straight to master's program and get a second electrical
engineering degree as if one was not enough, then go to the workforce, and spend 11
years doing work that does not light you up inside, only to finally realize that you are not
a slave to your education or to anyone's expectations of you, and true happiness comes
when you decide to follow your heart.
I used to gather certifications and degrees like a collector's item, and today, I have
broken free the chains of commitment between me and my studies. This is what I mean:
I am glad I went for higher education and trainings but I feel no obligation to practice
that exact field for the rest of my life. Instead, I draw from the experience and apply it to
my business as appropriate.
So if you have doubts and second guesses about your life path, then hit the pause
button on your life and to take a deep look at yourself.
Remove the burdens of expectation from your shoulders and discard the belief that your
family will stop loving you just because you choose to live life on your own terms. Give
yourself permission - full, guilt-free permission - to live life as you really want to live it,
and have faith in your decisions. Then, confidence will come to you when the time is
right to give you strength to share those decisions with your family.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #15:
Your homework with this one is a challenge but I will tell you this: If you can find your
way through this one, if you can muster the courage to choose your own path in life, and
to be OK with falling down and making mistakes and stumbling along the way, then you
will feel naturally confident talking with your family about it. So let's go for it.
In the next 3 days, think about one single teeny tiny topic that is a sore spot between
you and your family and all I want you to do is just think about a different way to
approach it. You don't have to go out and have a super confident chat about it to your
family yet - you don't have to say anything to them yet. I just want you to consider this
topic from different angles.
What other phrases or words could you use and in what tone of voice and body
language would you convey this so that it comes across more confidently and less
timidly, and all the time, with respect and understanding?
That's your homework. I am willing to bet you can handle it because I have a lot of
confidence in you! So just think about what we talked about here, just noodle over it,
and look back at your life's decisions and the subsequent communication to your family
and ask yourself what areas you could do better, and how would it feel to talk to your
family confidently.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #15:
Blog Post:
Enough Feeling Guilty about Living Well
Guilty Feeling Begone
Audio Podcast:
How to Explain Your Unconventional Lifestyle
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #16: BUILDING YOUR WEALTH WITH
SMALL STEADY STEPS
"Formal education will make you a living; self-education will make you a fortune."
~Jim Rohn
Our real measure of wealth is directly proportional to our happiness, and that happiness
may very well include a financial factor - mine does and I gladly admit it - but that is not
all. Real wealth encompasses a mental well-being, good health, overall contentment
with life and inner peace. When all those elements are present, you are wealthy beyond
your imagination!
And when you are wealthy, you are confident and confidence breeds happiness and
thus the cycle feeds on itself.
How do you measure your wealth?
Are you constantly measuring yourself up against other people?
Are you feeling deflated when you meet a rich happy person?
Do you look for ways to measure up to society's standards
Every time you compare yourself to what you presume to be a wealthy state of another
person, you diminish your own wealth in the process.
Every time you wish that you were in another "rich, hot and happy" person's shoes, you
forget all your own riches. Every single time you allow your mind to process these
thoughts, you shot down your own confidence, and replace it with self-doubt, fear, and a
dose of misery.
Every single time, you are making wildly inaccurate assumptions because what you see
on the surface of someone else's life is never the true reflection of their inside. You
accomplish nothing useful by comparison, you only create feelings that do you harm
and you crush your own self-confidence in the process.
Not Good At All. Let's stop this maniac cycle and start a new and healthy one that
measures up to reality much better.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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How to Build Your Wealth with Small Steady Steps:
Wealth is a mindset, and once that mindset is in the right place, wealth can start to flow.
Wealth is abundant, not scarce, and there is more than enough to be had by all
because true wealth multiplies and expands.
There are 4 powerful steps you can take to change some of these bad mental
mindsets.
1. Never, ever, compare your own state to that of another person. Ever. Period. That's
all I have to say about this one.
2. Always think big, not small, of yourself, and your gift to the world. This is
accompanied by the understanding that you do your best to offer that gift to the world,
but once you do, do not diminish its value.
3. Decide first that you want wealth and then pursue it relentlessly. Don't wait around
to ask permission or to calculate your odds or to wait for the "economy to turn around."
The one thing all massively wealthy people have in common is a relentless mindset,
and a decision to be wealthy. Adopt those.
4. Remember to define your measure of wealth on your terms. Look at your values
and your beliefs and what you want out of life, and that is your wealth - no more, no
less.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #16:
Mindset is the most powerful tool that you can use right now. It does not cost you
anything. It does not take time to implement or show results - positive thoughts have an
immediate effect on life. It is entirely at your disposal at all times.
Your mind is your most valuable asset, and it can be your most dangerous enemy,
depending on how you use it.
Develop a mindset of wealth. This homework is going to be open to interpretation. That
is because your definition of wealth is yours alone, and your mindset of wealth begins
with where you are now, and ends where you need to be. This is a "thinking" exercise
more than any others. It may be slow to happen and it may take some time and perhaps
some frustration. Use the power tools above, and challenge yourself to create a mindset
of wealth.
A mindset of wealth is nourishment for your self-confidence. Take time to reflect on the
meaning of wealth in your life and for yourself, and do this as much as possible by
looking inward. If you have always looked to others - to society, or cultural standards, or
family upbringing - to define wealth, shake that up a bit and for a week, pretend none of
that exists.
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #16:
Blog Posts:
32 Rules Successful Entrepreneurs Live By
Entrepreneurship with a Mindset for Wealth
Audio Podcast:
Asking for What You Want
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #17: FREEING YOUR IDENTITY: "YOU ARE
NOT DEFINED BY YOUR JOB!"
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if
you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing."
~Oriah
Your life's work and mission is independent of your job or your career. You have a deep
purpose, a mission for being here, a calling, and through that, you contribute to the
world. No one can take away your purpose, your highest mission in life or as I call it,
your life's work.
Take this scenario: An employer can have a change of mind, and tomorrow you are
gone from your favorite job. Does that mean you are stripped of your self-worth? Does
that mean your employer took away your purpose now that you cannot do the work at
his company? Does that mean that he held so much power over your life as to
penetrate your very heart and soul, your worth as a human being?
That can only happens if you give it permission to happen. I love this quotation from
Gandhi which puts it in perspective far better than I ever could: "I will not let anyone
walk through my mind with their dirty feet."
The dirty feet can be your boss berating you, your co-workers mocking you despite your
hardest efforts, (I had a taste of this one just a tad bit in the "strictly-invitation-onlyspecial-boys-clubs" in the tech support world at that miserable Fortune 100 company I
spent my precious 20s), your mother telling you how you need a "good stable job and
income and benefits" for that baby you are not having or that life you have told her two
million times that you don't want to be living (yes, I digress but you get the point, right?).
So close the door and don't ever let anyone - and I mean anyone! - walk all over your
mind and your heart with their dirty feet. Define in your own worth and tie your precious
identity to your core values, to your life's work and purpose and to your very heart and
soul, the stuff of life that is yours to have, regardless of your circumstances.
How to Free Your Identity Because Are Not Defined by Your Job:
You see, very early on, you have to decide what power you give others.
For instance, do you want an employer, a boss, a stranger in essence, have power and
control over that sacred place in your heart. I know, I know it's not intentional and when I
put it in this context, you agree with the logic but it still happens, and you may have a
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Step #17: Freeing Your Identity: "You Are Not Defined by Your Job!"
hart time breaking the cycle. For right now, just realize what is happening because that
can be a big wake-up call in itself.
We are always responsible for our circumstances in life, and it is when we take full
responsibility that we are able to change and shift things to move in the direction of our
deepest desires.
Imagine what would happen if you allowed no one to touch your sacred place, the
sanctum in which you keep what you hold dear to yourself, be it your life's work, your
mission in this world, your goals, your art, your genius, your talents! What if you became
immune to the fake measures of success such as whether a fancy job or lifestyle?
What if you change the way you think? What will happen to the way you see the world?
Not only will this shift in perspective soar your confidence to the moon, it will indubitably
attract wealth, success and happiness to your life.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #17:
You can change your mindset. Just give yourself some time. And ask yourself if you
want to continue allowing dirty thoughts all over your clean mind or if it is time to change
old patterns and remove the stains of the ugly footprints. Two weeks to start the long
journey of cleaning up the floors and walls of your mind so you begin to make room for
a mindset that will set you up for happiness and success in life.
This is your homework, and I want to ask you to take it seriously, because there is great
shifts that can happen with these changes. The rewards are enormous: your freedom
from the cages of lousy standards and fake measures, your inner peace so you can
hear yourself think. Plus, you will get loads of confidence in the process!
It bears repeating the words of wisdom from Gandhi, the power of your own choosing
on what you will believe to be true, and the difference between a job or employment and
your life's work and purpose. The latter, no one can ever take away from you, unless, of
course, you let them. And it is never too late to change old patterns and have a fresh
new start in your thinking.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #17:
Blog Post:
How to Stop Doing What You Hate
Audio Podcast:
Making Positive Changes in Your Life
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #18: SAYING NO AND GETTING TO YES
WITH NEITHER GUILT NOR SHAME
"If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."
~ Wayne Dyer
First, what do these two actions have to do with confidence? Here, we talk about
awakening your inner confidence, and everything has to be relevant and useful to that
end vision. This is all about setting healthy boundaries on your most precious assets:
your time and your energy.
That starts with saying no when you need to turn down distractions from your main
focus, and it means knowing how to get to yes, which is going to get you closer to your
main goal.
When you do not have boundaries or limits, you do not respect your own time and
energy. That means, you are living in a reactive way rather than a proactive or creative
way, and you have very little control over anything, because you are driven by the
agendas of other people, when you say yes all the time rather than saying no when
necessary, and you also are ignoring your own agenda, by not going for what you want,
and not seeking that yes. It's just not a good situation all around. I will teach you how to
avoid it.
On the other hand, (the hand we want to be on!), when you begin to respect your own
time and energy, you begin to gain the respect of others. Ironically, when you say no at
the right time and when you ask for what you want in the right way, you set the tone for
how you wish to be treated, and you also come across as supremely confident.
This one works in a funny way: Your actions here - saying no and getting to yes - both
feed your confidence, and yet, at the same time, you need some confidence to do them,
and then the cycle builds on itself. So all you have to do is get the wonderful cycle
started. Ready to do that?
How to Say No and Get to Yes with Neither Guilt Nor Shame:
These are two distinct situations so let's treat them one by one:
Why do we find it so hard to say no?
The most challenging part with saying no is that we do not want to hurt the feelings of
others. That is because we associate saying no with rejection, and we have never liked
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Step #18: Saying No and Getting to Yes With Neither Guilt Nor Shame
the feeling when we felt it so why would we want to impose it on others?
There are two problems with our assumption:
The first is that you assume that how others feel is your responsibility, and this
sentiment is probably because you blame others for how you feel on some occasions.
The fact of the matter is that your greatest responsibility is to first make sure that you
stay committed and honest to yourself.
When you aim to match the outside world to your own values first, such as before
saying yes to a request or a demand, you will immediately know the right answer.
Let's say your core value is keeping your promises, and when you are asked to do
something that you will hardly have time to do, you know that there is a chance you will
say yes now but break the promise later, and that will be much bigger disappointment
than politely turning a request in advance, not wasting anyone's time and not setting the
wrong expectations. This is why the only right answer is a no. This way, you show the
utmost respect for yourself and for the person making the demand. There is only
gratitude to be had in this honest exchange!
How do we start to say no?
You can say no in many impactful ways. Here are my 2 empowering tips for you:
1- Overcommitted: You say that you never want to break a promise and at this point,
you are overcommitted to other people and projects. Perhaps you can help out next
time.
2- Not the right person: You say that given your skills, current interests and pursuits,
you are not the right person (or the best person) for this task or request, but perhaps
you can point them in the right direction.
Why is it so challenging to ask for a yes?
The most challenging part of asking for something and getting to yes is that you, now,
are afraid or worried about being rejected. You may associate rejection with a statement
on your self-worth, you may even associate it with failure on some level, and it is very
hard to change those mental associations if they are deep rooted.
However, the problem with these assumptions is that they are simply not true, they do
not serve you well, and you can choose to stop believing them any minute. Now would
be a good time. Tomorrow is still a good time, but don't wait too much longer ;)!
Seriously, your thoughts severely limit your options and what's worse, they have little to
do with reality. If you follow the above logic, you are essentially betting on you getting
rejected in advance. No wonder you are terrified of going for that yes. With this mindset,
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Step #18: Saying No and Getting to Yes With Neither Guilt Nor Shame
I'd be shying away from it too!
How do we start to get to yes?
So if it is true that you can control and change your thoughts, if it is possible to think any
thought you want, why not think the positive thought that you can get to yes. In fact, why
not think that you are already successful and start with imagining that end - getting to
yes, in this case - has already happened, and then just catch up to it?
Here's an exercise: Imagine going into a boss's office, and asking for a raise. Let's say
you have done your research, you are ready to have this conversation and you have the
usual paranoia that keeps you from being confident. Well, your exercise is to imagine
that he has already said yes, so you are just having this conversation to catch up to
what has already happened.
See what happens when you think this way - observe how your body and your mind
reacts and how you come across as confident and assertive, and go into situations with
this mindset every single time. The results may just surprise you.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #18:
Well, for this one, you need the circumstances in order to practice. You have exercises
above on how to approach each situation: Saying No or Getting to Yes. I want you to
pick one of them, and it would be great if you pick one where you struggle more, and in
the next week, find a situation - however small it may be - where you can apply the
exercises in the above section. Do this in small quantities and at your own pace, that's
how it works best.
Accept that you are not the only one that struggles with these very challenging requests
from the world around us. We all have a hard time at one point or another asking for
what we want or turning down what won't serve us. This is a work in progress, and any
small movement toward the right direction is progress, so celebrate progress in this
lesson, and all else will fall into place in its right time.
Trust the process.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #18:
Blog Post:
10 Reasons Saying No Can Increase Your Happiness
Audio Podcast:
On Saying No and Getting to Yes
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #19: FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOUR
FAILURES
"Fail, fail really big and have the courage to stick around to make them wonder why you
are smiling. That's true greatness to me!"
From the movie: Elizabethtown
You've most likely lived your life mainly exaggerating and resenting every failure, to
make room for the incessant lust after success. Or perhaps, you have come to realize
that failures are a necessary part of life so you have started to accept them and even
learn from them, but to fall in love with them? Now that's just absurd, but here today, we
will be talking about doing precisely that as a very important step in building your
confidence.
First, a baseline for failure so we are all talking about the same thing. Failure has many
a definition, but the closest I can think of is when something happens for which we did
not intend to happen, and therefore, the thing we intended - the "success" - did not
come about. And because the outcome was "different", we immediately dismiss it. We
become a victim of circumstance, feeling helpless and unlucky and unhappy and even
angry that we aimed for success but instead, this lousy failure we found in its place.
That is the mindset that most of us have as we go through life, and the irony of it is
amusing, because you see, the failure itself does not hold us back. It provides us with
tremendous opportunity for growth and learning and an incredible chance at real
success the next time around.. It is the mindset, however, that holds us back and ruins
our chances.
The mindset that says: "I am a failure.", "I can't do anything right.", "Why do I bother
trying?", "I can't stand being such a loser.", "I don't want to even think about it.", "It's all
a waste of time." and on and on and on. That is the poison you feed your mind, while
ignoring the whole picture of what has really happened.
Your failures can be your greatest teachers, your best friends in disguise, your ultimate
chance to build up muscle and stamina for the real journey. Your failures are your
training program of life. Use them wisely and you will reach massive success.
Failure can make you strong, determined and wise IF you know how to use it. So learn
to fall in love with your failures.
How to Fall in Love with Your Failures:
Begin with Change of Mindset: So you fail. Great. You tried something. You learned
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Step #19: Falling In Love with Your Failures
something. You risked something. In fact, who are you not to fail? Whoever achieved
greatness without it? Fail. Fail again. Fail often. Fail shamelessly and proudly. Fail until
you get it out of the way so you make room for nothing but success. Success on your
own terms, in your words, by your definition.
Understand the Value of Failure: Failure can teach you whom to trust. Failure can
show you the true colors of your peers and friends. Failure can show you where your
real priorities lie. Failure can bring your values to light. Failure can and does open doors
which almost always lead to better successes, most of which are beyond your current
grasp. So again, learn to fall in love with those failures.
Hear the Message of Failure: Failure is life's way of telling you, "Here, I am going to
teach you something because I care about you, and yes, it might hurt at first and seem
disappointing but hey, you are worthy of learning this great lesson and I can't wait to see
what you do with it!"
Now you are beginning to view failure in a new light. Maybe failure is not so bad after
all. Fear of failure, yes that's a terrible thing and totally unnecessary, and doing nothing
after a failure, yes, that is the limiting mindset that holds you back, but failure in and of
itself, now that is pure gold. See it as such.
Learn to fall in love with every single failure of your life, because, resenting it and
running from it, well that has not served either you or me that well, so let's go with love
this time, shall we?
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #19:
First homework is a test of your memory:
Can you look back at your life, look at the times that you have been calling a "failure",
and say that you did not learn a single lesson from that situation? What was the
situation? Would you have learned the same lesson if everything had gone smoothly to
the very end?
Second homework is a test of your new perspective of failure:
For the next 10 days, I want to encourage you to look at situations and events closely. If
something does not go "your way", if something negative pops up, if you are
disappointed at an outcome, however small, stop yourself and immediately find 3 things
that are really, really good about this situation, this small minor "failure" that you may be
calling it. Focus on the good things, the lessons, the great reasons this just did not work
out for you. How does that feel?
I want to encourage you to really think about this concept because I know it is
uncomfortable to change the way you look at failure altogether, and you will experience
some resistance, no doubt.
That's fine. That is the first step toward change and toward embracing your failures as a
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Step #19: Falling In Love with Your Failures
gift, as a lesson, as a teaching, and just observe how this small subtle shift not only
boosts your self-confidence about yourself and your self-wroth, it also brings you closer
to your eventual success in your endeavors.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #19:
Blog Post:
Adopt the Right Mindset: 10 Game Changers for Success
Audio Podcast:
Falling in Love with Your Failures
©2013 Prolific Living Inc.
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STEP #20: PUTTING FORTH YOUR BEST
PHYSICAL ENERGY
"A good stance and good posture reflect a proper state of mind."
Morihei Ueshiba
You may have noticed that confident people have an aura about them. There is this
energy that they carry everywhere with them like a second shadow, except this shadow
is a pretty awesome one. It makes them stand tall, make great eye contact, smile
sincerely, speak softly and yet confidently, keep a good pace as they walk, sit up
straight, hold a nice posture, and move within their body with a sense of self-assurance
and assertiveness that makes us green with envy!
Where on earth do they get all that? Why didn't they teach us to be that way in school or
a private club or in training program of life? Or were they born with it?
Sigh, the truth is stranger than fiction because most of these supremely confident
human beings had an extraordinarily difficult life - take Tony Robbins, Louise Hay,
Wayne Dyer, to mention a few brilliant and beautiful souls - and through those struggles,
they emerged knowing what to do and what not to do, with details down to how to
manage their body movements, their facial features, their words and expressions, and
their voice.
There is no secret; they just do it and they repeat it over and over until it becomes
second nature.These are traits that once you start using them, they immediately give
you a boost of confidence.
This is probably the best bet on instant gratification that I share with you in the 21-step
series, and there is a reason I held on to it until the very end: I want you to really do the
inner work before we start the outer work. Plus, I really want you to have fun with this for
a well-deserved break from all the work!
How to Put Forth Your Best Physical Energy:
There is a cyclical effect that you may have noticed in all of these lessons: when you
persist on doing the negative behavior, it continues to produce negative results. Take
your thinking for instance. When you keep thinking negative thoughts - which you can
absolutely help save for those annoying times that the force of habit takes over - you will
then encourage negative results, and you will reject positive outcomes. It's just how it
works.
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Step #20: Putting Forth Your Best Physical Energy
Same thing with your physical and outward demeanor and its immediate impact on your
confidence. When you walk with stooped shoulders and a slow pace, gazing mostly
down or shyly about you, you will not in a million years attract confidence into your body.
Your physical behavior will match your emotional meter and so looking the part of a
person with low confidence will result in actual low confidence. And the cycle continues.
You will have a poor outward demeanor because you don't feel confident but you see,
you don't feel confident because of that very thing. So let's change the outward
demeanor.
You start everyday with energy. And every day, you have to decide how to use your
energy, and if you use it for good things, it will multiply, and if you use it for bad things, it
will drain you. So when you wake up tomorrow, make these subtle changes, applying
your whole being and your energy into them, and just see what happens:
1- Stand up tall, with your shoulders pulled back and your neck nice and straight.
2- Walk with energy, enthusiasm, and a sense of knowing where you are going.
3- Raise your eye sight to match shoulder level and above, avoid looking down.
4- Make eye contact with the people that you meet, even for 1 second, make it real and
sincere.
5- Smile. Smile more when you are out and about, driving, walking, interacting, doing
nothing. Just smile a little smile.
6- Sit up tall and proud rather than sinking into a chair and stooping over.
7- Shake hands with confidence. Or touch people on the shoulder or the arms as you
meet, greet or part with them.
8- Speak softly and with assurance. Feel good about your unique contribution to the
conversation, because no one will have your point of view.
9- Be a role model. Imagine others that are really struggling with low confidence and a
low sense of self-esteem and they are watching you to learn. Be a role model.
10- Have fun with it. Do one of these every day. See how you feel. Do it for 5 minutes
first, then 10, then maybe an hour. Slowly, it will start to integrate into your life.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #20:
I promised this would be fun, didn't I? Let's have fun with it then.
This homework is a break from all the mental inner work we have been doing, and it's
about your outward demeanor, how you present yourself to the world. It is about the
energy that you bring and shine to everyone you encounter, simply by being a better,
taller, happier, and greater version of yourself. You are still you, you are just using how
to be the best you with all the tools at your disposal.
The first homework is awareness and that happens by observing yourself. Based on the
confident person's outward demeanor discussed above, what would you say is your
own area of improvement? Is it the way you walk, sit, smile, talk, interact, what is it?
How would you like to see yourself emerge from that particular area? Let's focus on
that.
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Step #20: Putting Forth Your Best Physical Energy
Then take the appropriate change from the 10 steps above and do them. I would say try
but there is no try - thank you, Yoda - there is only doing. I want you to really make the
changes, because they are really instant. You can start walking taller right now, sitting
taller, pulling your shoulder back, smiling more, making better eye contact. These
changes do not take time but if you feel resistance, then just do one single thing.
The resulting feeling and the subtle shift in your confidence should be immediate. Feel
free to share your results with me.
Take the time to have fun with this one. One thing I really like to do is find my role
models on YouTube videos, and watch them, and then pick up one single thing that they
do - that I really like - something that makes them a truly confident and assertive
person, and then, emulate that. So find a role model, watch them and do whatever it is
they do with their body and their voice that appeals to you with your own style added
into it. See what happens.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #20:
Blog Post:
How to Boost Your Energy in 10 Minutes
Audio Podcast:
Motivating Interactions
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STEP #21: MAKING CONFIDENCE A SMART
HABIT, NOT A ONE-TIME EVENT
"Transformation is an endless process meant to be lived. It cannot be captured or
possessed; you can only participate in it."
~Baron Baptiste
A splash of water, no matter how large, will not go as far as consistent drops over time.
Build on the drops and you will have an ocean of confidence at your feet. Let's talk
habits and systems here, so that you can sustain all the lessons you have learned here,
including this one. Let's talk about making confidence a daily habit that you always
practice, and ideally, never perfect, because that would be boring! :)
The psychology of change is fascinating. We are so resistant to change as human
beings even if we know that it is not the strongest or the fittest that survive, but those
who adapt to change. And awakening your confidence and sustaining it in your own
existing system of body, mind and spirit is a phenomenal change.
You will embody confidence on all levels. You will live and breathe it. You will make best
friends with it. You will shine it in the interactions and exchanges with your world, but
most of all, you will feel it - that's right, you will feel confident, and that is a great feeling
to behold. You will know that this inner confidence is now awake, alive, and present. It is
a part of who you are, and it can be a part of everything you become.
Confidence may be intangible but it's real, and you can build on it through your own
small successes, your consistent progress in the right direction, your validation and
proof that it benefits your life in every way when you are more confident. All of this will
help you to continually sustain your confidence. A little confidence builds on a little more
and before you know it, you are standing on top of your own hill of confidence. And
some days you may fall off the hill but you won't roll down all the way. You will be
somewhere in the middle, and you won't ever have to start again from scratch. All the
inner work that you have done throughout the last few weeks have resulted in deep
changes,
Now that you are starting to see confidence as a progression rather than a big event,
now that you feel it as a continuously awakening force within you, and one that you can
and will hold on to if you cultivate it and care for it and pay attention to it, now you can
begin to understand what it takes to stay confident over time.
It takes smart habits and daily practices. Confidence is just like any other good smart
habit that you have, such as brushing your teeth and taking care of your body and
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Step #21: Making Confidence a Smart Habit, not a One-Time Event
walking your dog. It is something that you do every day. The more you care for it, the
more it gives back. And the more you forget about it, and deny the fact that you have
this force of confidence, the more it will retreat to the corners of your mind, and the
more work to awaken it yet again.
How to Make Confidence a Smart Habit, not a One-Time Event:
Now let me give you concrete examples and practices that help you build confidence
into your daily ritual. Here are my 7 practices to remind myself of the confident,
assertive, and worthy human being that I am every single day.
May they help you build confidence into your life as a smart habit:
1. Set an intention to be confident every day. An intention comes from a very deep
place, it is not goal-oriented and it doesn't care about the outcome. Simply say to
yourself: "I intend to be confident today. I will give this my best effort."
2. Practice your confidence, that is the simplest and best way to build out the habit.
Consciously practice being confident in situations, when you are alone, on the phone,
negotiating, talking to someone, or asking for something. Practice it like you do your
gym reps.
3. Teach yourself to adapt to each day's confidence "meter", and go in with the
notion that it will only go up because some days are different than others.
4. Be kind and patient with yourself in new situations, such as meeting someone
new or doing something you've never done. Never berate yourself. Your confidence has
to learn the new situation and then adapt.
5. Have a favorite mantra, affirmation, a saying that you repeat to yourself those rare
times that you forget that your confidence is right there with you. It can be as simple as
saying "I am confident and strong and I like who I am."
6. Watch how the right posture and demeanor in your body attracts not just
confidence into your body and being but also it attracts others to notice you and respect
you and really want to be around you.
7. Be totally OK with not being confident some days. Believe that it happens to the
best role models and super stars out there, and you are just human, but have faith that
it will come back.
8. Make sure not to get too proud if you feel really confident about yourself, and
remember to combine it with humility.
9. Celebrate small successes all the time, not just at the beginning. When you have a
day with beautiful confidence shining through all your actions, when you push past your
doubts and insecurities and do something bold, or when you just feel good about where
you are, celebrate the fact that you are now living with confidence.
Your Confidence Building Homework for Step #21:
This is your final homework and for that reason, there is no end to it. :)
Alright, I am being a little clever and teasing you a little, but in all honesty, confidence is
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Step #21: Making Confidence a Smart Habit, not a One-Time Event
a work in progress. I know that you have awakened this beautiful giant from its slumber
in the last few weeks with the hard work that you have done, and it will not be going
back to sleep again. Yet, you have to do some work daily to keep it awake and alert and
to enable it to keep you company.
Your homework from now until the next time that we talk, and that can be whenever you
like because you can always reply to me, is to remind yourself that you are building
confidence into your daily routine, into your rituals and your habits and your body and
mind's system.
You are showering yourself every day with confidence and in the process, re-affirming
what you already know: That you are a confident person. You were born confident. You
have now awakened your confidence and forever more, you will stay confident.
Your Confidence Building Reading & Listening for Step #21:
Blog Posts:
The Importance of Practice: Use It or Lose It
How to Restart a Habit
Audio Podcast:
The Art of Persistence: How to Achieve Big Results
This marks your last Confidence Building Series. Please do your homework with
enthusiasm and let me know how you get on, and make it a part of your daily ritual
because the rewards will astound you.
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READ THIS BEFORE YOU GO
Closing thoughts before you go.
Confident people are attractive without saying a word. It doesn't matter who they are.
Their age, nationality, sex, race or profession is a complete non-issue. Their body
weight, appearance, martial status and position in the social ladder is totally irrelevant.
Because they are completely comfortable and confident in who they are and their place
in this world. And the power of their confidence makes you and me look past everything
else.
To us, confident people appear as beautiful human beings. They have accepted and
loved who they are, so who are we to argue? We are naturally drawn to confident
people!
Confidence clears the way for you to see yourself for who you really are and to be
totally and completely in love with that person. You can change, grow, get better every
day - that's part of your journey - but you love and accept who you are. You have
embraced your complete self and show up with all of it, without apology or guilt or
shame, without feeling inferior or superior to anyone, and totally and completely
comfortable in your own skin.
A strong, happy and confident you! That is what you strived for in this 21 step
confidence building course. That is what you have built and continue to nurture daily as
you go about your life.
You have now completed the 21-steps. This is a process that will continue to evolve.
The more you repeat the process, the lessons, the homework, and the more you do the
work, the deeper your sense of confidence and self-esteem will get rooted. Review the
lessons often. Re-do the homework. Make it a daily ritual and an on-going practice to
cultivate your confidence.
There is one last thing to take away and never forget. It is one of the MOST important
lessons of all, which is your one and only concern, your one and only mission in life and
your true way to success, to happiness, and to ultimate confidence: Always be
yourself!
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Don't forget your 3 quick actions to spread the gift of confidence
This program was designed to help you unlock your true confidence potential. Now that
you have finished it, take 3 actions to give back with your renewed confidence and
sense of self-worth:
1.
2.
3.
If it was valuable to you, please visit https://gum.co/confidence-guide and pay for
it what it was worth to you.
Share the gift of confidence with one friend by sending them to:
https://gum.co/confidence-guide
Hop on the list to stay on focus with smart life hacks, positive affirmations, and
simple wisdom for living well by visiting:
http://www.prolificliving.com/21series
It has been a giant honor to have you as part of the 21-step confidence building series.
Let what you learned in this virtual classroom transform you spectacularly. Let
confidence play a powerful role in your life, heal you from the past, watch over you in
the present, and empower you to new heights for the future.
With all that said, now go make it happen. Be bold, be confident, and always be
yourself. Everything else is detail.
Wishing you heaps of love and confidence,
Farnoosh Brock
Founder and CEO of Prolific Living Inc.
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