New York Times Best-Selling Author
Matthew Hussey
How to
talk to
Men
59 Secret Scripts To Melt His Heart, Unlock What He’s
Thinking, And Make Him Want To Be With You Forever
1-10
15
Contents
My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will
Work for You Too! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1
Introduction - Speaking of Men… . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
Part 1: How to Talk to Men...
To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
1 – How to Get Men to Approach You Every Time:
Body Language Secrets . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
2 – How to Start Talking to a Guy
(With Zero Chance of Rejection) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24
3 – How to Approach a Guy Via Social Media . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30
4 – How to Flirt With a Guy You Just Met . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
* 5 – How to Tell If He’s Into You . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 37
* 6 – How to Guarantee a Guy Swaps Numbers With You . . . . . . . . 41
7 – How to Know Who Should Text First . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 46
8 – How to Get Him to Ask You Out . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50
* 9 – How to Make Fascinating First Date Conversation
That Keeps Him Coming Back for More . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 53
10 – How to Blow it on a Date (What NOT to Say) . . . . . . . . . . . . 58
11 – How to Tease a Guy to Create Uncontrollable Desire . . . . . . . 61
12 – How to Use Touch to Drive Him Wild . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 70
13 – How to Flirt With a Work Colleague . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 72
14 – How to Text Him the Perfect
Amount to Keep Him Wanting More . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 78
15 – How to Charm Him With Your Texts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 82
16 – How to Use Fun Texts to Get Him Thinking
About You Non-Stop . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 90
17 – How to Get Him to Stop Texting and Just Call You Instead . . . 92
18 – How to Get Him to Stop Just Texting
You and Actually Ask You on a Date . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 100
Part 2: How to Talk to Men…
To Build a Deep Connection
19 – How to Make Yourself the Woman
He Wants to Do Everything With . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105
20 – How to Have Great Conversations
That He Doesn’t Want to End . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 108
21 – How to Get Him to Open Up . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 113
22 – How to Make a Man Fall in Love With Impressing You . . . . 120
23 – How to Be the Woman Who Endlessly Fascinates Him . . . . 125
24 – How to Make Him Feel Like a Man in 5 Simple Phrases . . . 132
25 – How to Get Him to Express His Emotions to You . . . . . . . . 136
26 – How to Make Him Feel More at Home
With You Than Any Other Woman . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 143
27 – How to Make Your Man Feel Amazing
With Compliments . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 147
28 – How to Make Him Feel Needed By You
(So He Won’t Ever Need Any Other Woman) . . . . . . . . . . . . 155
29 – How to Make Him Melt With This Clever
Bragging Technique . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159
Part 3: How to Talk to Men…
So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
30 – How to Respond to the Late Night Booty Call
in a High Value Way . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 165
31 – How to Respond to His “Sexting” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 169
32 – How to Slow Down His Sexual Advances and
Make Him Even More Attracted to You in the Process . . . . 174
33 – How to Respond to Last Minute Date Requests . . . . . . . . . . 177
34 – How to Get Him to Change His Bad Behavior:
6 Powerful Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 181
35 – How to Rekindle His Interest After He Disappears . . . . . . . 198
36 – How to Get Him to Pay Attention to You
When He’s “Too Busy” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 200
Part 4: How to Talk to Men…
The Hard Questions
37 – How to Ask if He’s Single (Without Looking Desperate) . . . 209
38 – How to Show You’ve Got Options
(and Make Yourself Even More Desirable) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 214
39 – How to Know When (and How Much)
to Open Up About Your Past . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 220
40 – How to Answer When He Says:
“How Many Men Have You Slept With?” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 224
41 – How to Answer The Question: “Why Are You Still Single?” . . . 231
Part 5: How to Talk to Men…
About Sex
42 – How to Have the Condom Conversation
(Without it Being Awkward) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 237
43 – How to Get Him to Have Sex the Way YOU Want . . . . . . . . 242
44 – How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive
(So He Doesn’t Look Anywhere Else) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 253
45 – How to Turn Him On Even When You’re Apart . . . . . . . . . . 257
Part 6: How to Talk to Men…
In an Argument
46 – How to Approach Serious Topics With a Man
Without Coming Off as Threatening . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 261
47 – How to Express Your Frustrations to a Man . . . . . . . . . . . . . 264
48 – How to Communicate that You’re Unhappy
With His Behavior . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 268
49 – How to Have Arguments That Strengthen
(Instead Of Ruin) Your Relationship . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 271
50 – How to Diffuse an Argument: 7 Foolproof Techniques . . . . 276
Part 7: How to Talk to Men…
About Commitment
51 – How to Ask if He Is Seeing Other Women . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 285
52 – How to Answer if He Asks Whether
You’re Dating Someone Else . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 288
53 – How to Know if You Are a Couple . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 291
54 – How to Show Him You Are in Demand:
3 Simple Techniques . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 295
55 – How to Use Sneaky Psychology
to Raise Your Value in His Eyes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 300
56 – How to Make Yourself His Partner,
Not Just His Hookup: 5 Powerful Phrases . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 305
57 – How to Ask Him if You Are Exclusive . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 315
Part 8: How to Talk to Men…
in a Relationship
58 – How to Get on His Mom’s Good Side . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 321
59 – How to Handle the ‘Other Women’ In His World . . . . . . . . . 325
60 – How to React When He Says He “Needs Space” . . . . . . . . . . 336
61 – How to Deal With His Bad Habits at Home . . . . . . . . . . . . . 342
62 – How to Know When to Say “I Love You” . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 349
63 – How to Bring Up Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 357
Final Thoughts . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 363
Glossary . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 365
Key for Colours:
Blue
– Key idea or concept
Green – Script to use
Red
– Don’t say this
You’re In Good Company…
Since 2009 I have been fortunate enough to have become the go-to
relationship expert for celebrities, royalty, TV, radio, magazines and
newspapers, and millions of women just like you.
Rest assured, what you have here is the most trusted dating advice
to get you the love life you deserve, fast!
My Techniques Worked for
These Women, and They Will
Work for You Too!
‘We’re Engaged!’
“You gave me so much confidence because I felt like you really
understood me and the mistakes I was making. After a few weeks I
worked up the courage to start a conversation. I just have to tell you
I was so tickled with myself for not overreacting and immediately
planning out our future!!
I focused myself in the here and now and just being my awesome
sexy self I always wanted to be. As it turns out, we had a lot in
common and in three conversations he asked me out. I used
the tips for the areas I knew I needed help with, but while I was
focusing solely on date to date, it turned out HE was the one
thinking about our future.
We’ve now been together for 7 months and engaged for two of
those!!!!!! :) And of course you’re invited to our wedding if you can
make it!”
- Amanda
‘The Texts Worked!’
“I tried your texts........the “yawwwwwn” one when he only talks
about being busy at work........the “this burger almost tasted better
than sex!”. They work!
Matthew Hussey  1
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I am happily dating the best guy ever! We met on Match.com and
you helped me get things to the next level!!! Best thing so far this
year was discovering the great relationship perspectives of Matthew
Hussey!”
- Genevieve
‘I Have 3 Dates Within 1 Week Of Using Your Skills’
“I’m 54 and have 3 jobs so I thought I had no time for men and so
had no men around. Then as my last child was 17, I wanted to get
back into the scene and had no idea how.
You showed me how to make time to look in the right places. So,
within one week of using the skills I learned and actively used, this
weekend I have 3 dates and had to turn 2 away. So I went from 4
years with nothing, to more than I can see.
To other women out there I would say, give the advice in the
program a try. Try to believe in yourself and approach guys with
the skills learned - it gets easier as you work with your own voice
and confident body language.”
- Polly
‘A Common Sense Approach’
“Just wanted to say a big thank you for all of your advice. In truth,
there are dozens of sources out there that claim to know what they
are talking about, but your program has been really beneficial.
I am a psychologist that has worked with various people with
various issues, but it has taken me a while to sort out the romantic
relationships in my own life.
2  Matthew Hussey
My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!
Your common sense, practical approach has helped me to be in an
amazing relationship that I have been in for four months now. He is
great and different from any other relationship I have ever been in,
in a good way. Your advice to never settle helped me with this.”
- Corina
‘I Met My Mr. Right’
“So there I was clock ticking and me going into my 36th year with
no clue as to how I was going to attract the next love in my life and,
better yet, how to attract Mr. Right.
I started out doing what most women do. I hit the dating sites and
went on endless coffee-dates meeting nice guys and a couple of
dogs too (even married ones looking for excitement - a fact they
only disclose after the fact).
Being of a persistent nature I refused to let this get me down and I
searched the internet to find out how to meet the right guys and I
came across your advice.
I met my Mr. Right and Paul is the type of man I only used to
dream about as I always thought he and his kind would go for some
model type. He is fun, handsome, inspiring, kind, goodhearted,
successful, well educated, wealthy and brave!”
- Hanna
‘I’m Ending Up With Date Invites Left, Right And Center’
“Your advice is working so well that I’m ending up with date invites
left, right and center.
For example, last night this UK guy got my number and he just
texted me this morning to go for dinner, this Italian guy at the gym
Matthew Hussey  3
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
keeps coming over and asking me what I’m up to over the weekend,
another Czech guy and I actually went on a few dates, we kissed
and all but before it got any further, I had to make up some white
lie to say sorry buddy, it’s best we don’t take this any further.
Then I had a French and a South African guy ask me out on
Facebook after I met them at some event and, again, I had to say
no. And there have been more! And this all happened within the
last few weeks.
I’m having SO MUCH FUN meeting new men. And I’m also
feeling SO much better about life and my love life in particular. I’m
divorced, 36. As much as I get out and do sports and meet people,
I hadn’t done it in the way you suggested (as frequently or as well!)
and now I’m totally enjoying it and feeling very positive.
So… THANK YOU MATT! Honestly, you’ve changed my life
already.”
- Huenu
‘In The Last Three Days Two Guys Gave Me Their Numbers!’
“I am having such great fun flirting and having better conversations.
I also joined my local walking group and on my first walk I worked
the group and had a lot of attention. I had a great conversation with a
guy I liked where I set him the task of advising me on the walk to do
on my 40th birthday (Striding Edge or Scafell Pike).
He said ‘that is a great question!’ and then went on to tell me his alltime favorite walk, so I guess he associated me with good thoughts
at that point in time.
In the last three days, two guys gave me their numbers!”
- Claire
4  Matthew Hussey
My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!
‘I Already Have 4 Guys Pursuing Me’
“OMG Matthew Hussy, you just made a monster!
I’ve been in this course only for 2 weeks and I already have 4 guys
pursuing me. I don’t know how to deal with this! Now I need to
learn how to tell a guy that I’m not that interested without hurting
their feelings.”
- Barbara
‘I Feel Freer And More Empowered’
“I used the tips on flirting and being more sociable, playing a new
role, trying things out and communicating with guys like never
before. I met new people, I had new relationships and came up
against some huge life lessons in the process.
In the last few weeks I have had more male and female attention
than I’ve ever gotten in my life. I feel freer and more empowered
about myself than ever before. I have made peace with so many
parts of myself and come to like myself and love myself more than I
ever had before.
I see that I am able to be kind, encouraging, loving and fun to be
around and I’m getting so much affirmation of this. I’ve made so
many new friends and awakened old friendships.”
- Rebecca
‘In Less Than A Week I Can Already See A Tremendous
Improvement’
“In less than a week of applying your lessons I can already see a
tremendous improvement in how men react to me and vice versa.
Matthew Hussey  5
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I am going out with a few guys off and on, and there is one in
particular that stands out. He and I are both very into our jobs (he
has 2, and I juggle 3). Last week, we had made tentative plans to get
together Thursday, but that didn’t work out, so we tried Friday, and
that didn’t work out either.
I felt very “put off ” at the last minute (we had said 8pm and he
bailed on me at about 7:45pm) and I was crushed. I thought it was
his roundabout way of telling me that he wasn’t interested.
He attempted to contact me around 9pm that same night, but I
ignored his call (because I was out with another guy who had called
me earlier that day for drinks), and chose not to call him back
because I was still feeling hurt and rejected.
I watched and listened to all of your videos again. And one of
my high-value girlfriends told me “He WILL call you.” And he
did Thursday morning. Normally, I would be a bit bitchy and
snarky with someone who had treated me so ‘horribly.’ But I was
determined to do something I had never done before.
I was as sweet as you could possibly imagine. And it turns out that
things went absolutely haywire at his second job, and his entire
weekend was a mess. We talked about getting together the next
day. The conversation was absolutely fantastic. I hung up with an
entirely different frame of mind.
Later that afternoon I was surprised when he called me again and
said, “I can’t wait until tomorrow - what are you doing tonight?” I
was very pleasantly shocked. Guys never call me and say those sorts
of things.
We met for a terrific dinner and catch-up last night, and still have
plans for tonight. He really is one of these ‘good guys,’ you know? In
the past I always screw up the good things, but not this time.
6  Matthew Hussey
My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!
I still can’t believe he called me and said that. Never in my life has a
man ever said that to me. Amazing. It never would have happened
without you. Thank you, thank you, thank you times a million!”
- Carolyn
‘I’m Dating A Man Beyond My Wildest Dreams’
“I met a guy who I never thought would be attracted to me in my
wildest dreams as ‘I had chosen him’ so to speak. He is the type
of guy I would want to introduce to my family and even possibly
marry. I began speaking to him and now we have been dating for
several weeks.
I have been asking questions in order to see his values (and whether
they are in line with mine) and have been able to really get to know
him before becoming intimate and starting a relationship.
I look forward to continuing to grow and be the best possible
person I can be… And having a relationship I never could have
dreamed of.”
- Janelle
‘I Now Feel A Lot More Powerful’
“Thanks to your advice, I somehow started meeting people. Now
looking back they were always around but I didn’t engage with
them. I started becoming braver about reaching out to people.
Through your really simple trick of asking people ‘why’ instead of
the standard getting to know you questions, I got into some really
good conversations and made real connections. Eventually I started
connecting people with each other and hosting events. Now I’m
meeting people (including new guys) all the time. People reach out
to me and introduce me to others. I’m currently a very proud ‘hub.’
Matthew Hussey  7
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I’m still single but I feel totally different than I’ve felt before. I’m
interacting with guys differently. I’ve become more flirty. Where
before I’d diffuse sexual tension any chance I’d get, now I just let it
sit there and probably for the first time in my life I understand what
it means when people say ‘I have chemistry with someone.’
I’ve also been treated in a non-‘friend zone’ way by more guys than
ever before. I now feel a lot more powerful - like I actually can do
something to end up in a relationship. And I have hope.”
- Tala
‘I Was Extremely Shy With Men’
“I am an introvert and am extremely shy when it comes to
interacting with men I find attractive.
The other night I was out to dinner with my friend and I saw an
attractive man having dinner at the bar. I decided to order my
drink at the bar instead of getting it from the waitress at our table
just so I could grab the chance to talk to the guy.
OK, that decision in and of itself is so much progress for me. Guess
what? I used the strategies that I learned from you and struck up a
conversation with the guy. I brought out my feminine and flirty self,
which I used to be too shy to show.
I cannot describe the ego boost I got from the success of this
interaction. He flirted back and we had a great chat. It was
awesome.
Now I feel more empowered and more confident than ever. I look
for opportunities to interact with men - even if it’s just to practice
my new skills.
8  Matthew Hussey
My Techniques Worked for These Women, and They Will Work for You Too!
Thank you, Matthew. I know that I am allowing myself to blossom
into the confident and feminine woman I know I am and that very
exciting things are in the making now.”
- Megan
‘A Favorite Of Mine Is The Fantasy Dialogue Texting’
“A favorite of mine is using the whole fantasy dialogue in texting.
It really gets a guy thinking about you in a different way. I’ve been
putting into practice so many of the things you’ve taught me that I
can fill up every night with a date.”
- Illana
‘I Got Married!’
“I implemented all you taught me strictly. Little did I know that on
May 3rd I met the love of my life. On October 4th, we got married.
My husband and I are very happy together, and I also find that your
advice is great for married life. Keep up your great work.”
- Mo
Matthew Hussey  9
Introduction Speaking of Men…
I owe everything I have in life to learning how to talk.
Scratch that.
Everyone learns how to talk.
What I really have to thank for any success I achieved in my
twenties is mastery of communication.
I wish they had taught me how important this would be at school. I
wish my teachers ingrained in me how crucial it would be in life to
learn the powers of influence, charm, and the importance of being
able to move others with communication.
Except my teachers didn’t teach me those kinds of skills. No one
did.
I didn’t take any classes on public speaking, nor was I schooled on
social dynamics, nor did I attend lectures about the art of influence
and its importance in business, relationships and just about every
part of life.
But quickly I realized how much these skills mattered, and I knew
I had to take matters into my own hands and school myself on the
most difficult subject of all: People.
Matthew Hussey  11
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
How I Discovered the Secrets of ‘Male Thinking’
As a teenager I feverishly read books by seduction gurus, body
language experts, master salespeople and charismatic speakers to
absorb the secrets I yearned to possess about social savviness.
In an odd turn of events, towards the end of university, having
spectacularly blown my chances of the corporate job of my dreams
(that’s a story for another time), I realized I had to take some action
towards a future very quickly.
My degree in Property Management was beginning to look more
than a little useless, especially since I had decided that what I really
wanted to be was a public speaker. But how did one even go about
that? I had no idea how to get started, and had no role models to
teach me what to do next.
In my hunger for experience (and rent money…and food), I
approached about the only people willing to hire a 21 year old with
no real expertise: a cohort of male seduction gurus or “Pick-Up
Artists” in London, who were looking for someone to teach guys of
all ages about confidence with women.
The male pick-up business is now a global industry, but at the time
this was a tiny company who could barely afford to pay any of its
speakers. Couple that with my young age and lack of experience
and I was left with little choice but to offer my services for free,
working on weekends and having little more to show for it than a
30 minute a week slot to fulfill my dream of speaking in public.
It wasn’t glamorous, but it felt like I had hit the jackpot at the time.
Even scoring that job as an unpaid intern was a test of everything
I had ever taught myself about salesmanship and confidence. Ask
any 21 year old trying to get their foot in the door today and they’ll
12  Matthew Hussey
Introduction - Speaking of Men…
tell you just how hard the struggle is to be allowed to step on even
the first rung of a ladder you actually want to climb!
But now I had my start, even if it was a small one.
Unbeknownst to my friends, I began secretly sneaking off from my
university campus at weekends to deliver seminars to help small
rooms of eight guys. I would trudge up to London every Saturday
to give 30-minute speeches, for no money, to help men of all
stripes who wanted to meet women, get laid, and find a girlfriend
(everyone has to start somewhere right?).
My geeky teenage hobby of reading books on communication was
finally paying off. It wasn’t exactly how I pictured my future life as
a soon-to-be professional university graduate, but it was the perfect
place to take all those years of learning about social dynamics and
put them into practice.
In that time I spoke to hundreds of men.
I learnt what men wanted long-term and why they spend so much
time thinking about being attractive to women. I learnt why they
find some women sexy and what turned a casual fling into their
‘dream girl’. I learnt why guys stop calling women after two dates,
even if they had a good time. I learnt what made a woman “The
One”.
I was hooked on the science of attraction. Intoxicated with the
subtle art of communication.
As I worked with these guys, many would come up to me after
seminars and share their stories. I began to see patterns of behavior
that I never noticed previously. They would tell me about problems
with their previous girlfriends – they shared their frustrations, their
annoyances, the traits that they found so unbearable it caused them
Matthew Hussey  13
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
to leave a relationship of over four or five or ten years and opt for
the single life again.
I always knew that there was more to attraction than long-term
physical beauty. I always knew that relationships had to be built
on more than mutual sexual desire and a shared passion for The
Walking Dead.
And I soon realized how much all relationships, from beginning
to end, came down to simple, tiny and observable acts of
communication.
Just think about it for a second.
Communication is what makes you confused in the early stages as
to whether or not a guy likes you. Poor communication explains
why couples can have the same conversation over and over again
and still not understand their partner’s needs. If we express
ourselves badly, we upset people, or fail to express honestly what
was really bothering us. We can repeat the same bad behaviors over
and over again, simply because we never learnt the best approach to
expressing how we feel.
My Aim In This E-Book
In many ways, this is the simplest and most direct program I’ve
ever done.
I thought to myself: what if I could handle all those questions I get
bombarded with during my seminars and share them with as many
women as possible?
There are two things I’ve become an expert on after eight years of
giving seminars: how to communicate, and what men want.
14  Matthew Hussey
Introduction - Speaking of Men…
I now want to combine this knowledge base I’ve acquired and distill
it down to the essential tools you need to have any conversation
with a guy, at any time, without fear of what to say or how to say it.
You might want to get a cup of coffee before we begin. We have a
lot to talk about.
Matthew Hussey  15
Pa rt 1
How to Talk to Men...
To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Chapter 1
How to Get Men to Approach You Every Time:
Body Language Secrets
There is a misconception that spreads around women in the dating
world, and it is perhaps one of the most oft-repeated myths about
men:
If he liked you, he would come over and talk to you.
No, he wouldn’t.
Women are intimidating creatures.
That might sound silly. You might read that and wonder where all
the men with balls have disappeared to.
But I should make it clear now: yes, there are men who approach
women all day long. But they are rare. And they are not always the
best kind of men.
Some men of course are confident, wonderful, and will happily
approach you to get your number if they want to take you out.
But many guys will not.
Matthew Hussey  19
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Secret About Men
There is a huge cohort of men who would approach a woman,
but need just 10% more certainty that she will respond positively.
This is very easily done. There are a few quick ways you can make
it five times as likely that a guy will summon the courage to say
something:
•• Eye contact
It’s boring, obvious, and everyone says it, but you’re a fool if you
think this is too basic.
Locking eyes with a man, even if just for one second, is the
single easiest way to telegraph a flash of interest from across the
room.
Studies have shown that just meeting your eyes makes it much
more likely a man will feel safe coming over to say something.
What’s more, do NOT think it’s enough to make eye contact just
once. The second and third look are even more important than
the first. It’s these extra looks that really give him the confidence to
come over and say hi.
Look over at him multiple times and make sure to smile if you lock
eyes with him. This is the absolute best way to make a guy feel like
you want him to talk to you. Few women do this enough and it’s so
ridiculously effective that making a habit of this one step alone will
completely revolutionize your dating life.
Eye contact and smile. That’s all it takes for a magic meeting to
happen.
20  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
•• Don’t huddle in a group
When you’re out at a party with friends, keep your stance open and
resist the tendency to flock together with your group in a tight,
closed circle that no man can enter into.
Stay open to people outside the group and you’ll find guys will be
less uneasy about approaching, because you’ll look like you are
happy to be approached.
•• Show you are open to engaging other people nearby
Chat to bar staff. Ask the guy next to you what he’s drinking. Talk
to others in the queue. Show that you are the sociable one in the
place, and you will make yourself seem approachable.
It helps if when you talk to these people you still look over at him.
It lets him know that there is some special connection you are
feeling with him in the moment.
If someone other than the guy you like approaches you, make sure
you are warm and open to them too. The guy you’re checking out
will see if you are dismissive to others and judge you accordingly, so
don’t be mean to people in front of him.
•• Make an effort when your friends speak to other people
Don’t be the one who hovers in the background when others
engage you and your group of friends.
Ask questions, be positive, and show curiosity. This will make you
seem like the approachable person that offers easy conversation and
positive energy.
Matthew Hussey  21
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Remember, try not to get stuck into deep conversation with some
other guy, or else you might scare your favored target off if he
thinks that you’re interested in another guy.
Men don’t like competition with other men. It usually makes them
do nothing and it will stop him from approaching.
From this perspective, you need to remember to break away from
new people and show yourself moving around and talking to lots of
different people (which gives him more chance of getting you into
conversation).
•• “The Wave” (Warning: This is direct!)
One final way to get a guy to come over is “The Wave”.
Here’s what you do:
Step 1 – Make eye contact with a guy
Step 2 – Trade a smile or two
Step 3 – Wave him over to you with your hand
That’s right, you physically gesture for the guy to come over, not
with words, but with a “come here!” gesture.
It’s crucial to do this in the right way. Don’t be making a sexy
“come hither” motion with one finger as though you’re acting in a
ridiculous porn film. Just wave him over in a cute way.
This takes a pinch of confidence, but it will get nearly any guy to
actually come over for a conversation. Plus, there’s nothing to lose.
If he doesn’t, you’ve lost nothing.
Remember: men are constantly looking for permission to approach
you.
22  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
All of these ways make it so much easier for a guy to do what he
wanted to do in the first place, which is find a reason to move his
butt from the other side of the room to come and meet you!
Matthew Hussey  23
Chapter 2
How to Start Talking to a Guy
(With Zero Chance of Rejection)
This one is really easy. If you’ve been staring at a guy for God
knows how long, neither of you have done anything about it, and
now he’s about to leave, this is what to do…
When that attractive guy you’ve been looking at is about to walk
out of the bar you are in, simply say: “Why are you leaving?!”
This can be said in a couple of ways.
If you really want to be cute: you can say it in a pouty way to show
that you are a little sad he’s going. Or you can do it in an “I can’t
believe you are already leaving, it’s so fun in here” kind of a way.
If you’re thinking to yourself: “How could I possibly say that to
someone I don’t even know?” your head is still in the wrong place.
Attraction favors the bold, and the people who can speak up and
say something that shows a little confidence and cheekiness are far
more likely to meet interesting and attractive people.
The whole point of this line is that it seems to suggest the two of
you know each other better than you actually do. It bypasses the
24  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
unimportant small-talk phase of an interaction (“Hi, how’s your
day?” etc.).
Think about it from his point of view. What might he say in
response?
“Because my friends all left me!”
“Because my friends are leaving now.”
“Because I’m supposed to be meeting people at this other venue.”
If he’s quick-witted he may even get cheeky back and say: “Well why
aren’t you coming with me?”
Or he may be forward and confident and say: “Because I’m
supposed to be meeting my friends at this other venue. You should
come, it’s supposed to be great.”
Can you see how quickly this bypasses the awkward ‘do we like
each other’ phase? It’s a little speed-seduction hack that cuts
straight to the point: ‘I like you and I’m not happy that you are
leaving and we haven’t had a chance to talk to each other.’
From his side he gets one last chance to speak to you before he
leaves, which he’ll really appreciate if he’s been looking at you all
night but just hasn’t thought of the right thing to say.
One more thing: don’t think this only works at night. It’s just as
effective to use this in the daytime, if you’re feeling brave that is.
Let’s say you’ve been staring at someone in a coffee shop for ten
minutes while sat drinking a cappuccino. There’s been some
flirtation with your eyes, but all of a sudden he gets up to leave. You
could say:
Matthew Hussey  25
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Aww you’re leaving already… why?”
He can then say, “Ha - because I’m late for work!” or whatever else
he needs to respond. But the line gives him a chance to say: “but
why don’t we exchange numbers so we can talk another time?”
You’ll be amazed at the immediate results this line leads to. Get
your courage in gear and try it already!
The Magic of the Simple Favor
As a shy kid I remember that I would be willing to do anything to
impress a girl.
I would imagine myself coming to the rescue of one particular
girl from school, having fantasies that I would do some daring,
brave, heroic act that would make her swoon at my unwavering
determination to protect her from harm.
Men grow up with this mentality that they can do great deeds to
win the hearts of women. It never really goes away.
Guys live to serve you in a way that most men will never admit,
and most women will never understand.
So regularly women ask me how they can open a conversation with
a guy.
Little do they know there are eight simple words that will appeal
to a guy’s desire to help and gain his attention every time. They
are:
“I could really use your help with something…”
26  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
For example, if you say:
“I could really use your help with something: Can you hold my
jacket for two seconds while I give these drinks to my friends?”
No guy is ever going to refuse this. (If he ever does, run!)
Once you’ve given the drinks to your friends, turn back to him,
take your jacket back, and say:
“Thanks so much. How’s your night going?”
Now you’ve got an easy way to get his attention without making it
seem like you approached him at all.
These favors can come in more subtle forms too. For example:
In a restaurant:
“I need your help. Do I get the steak or the sushi here? Do you
know what’s good?”
You can also say:
“Have you been here before? What’s the best thing to order?”
At a coffee shop:
“I need to ask you something. Have you tried that new
Frappuccino? Is it good?”
Matthew Hussey  27
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
In a bar:
“Do you know where is good to go around here after this?” (This
gives him an opening to get your number and text you from
where he is afterwards if it’s good.)
In the day:
“I’m new to this area. Can you tell me anywhere that’s good for
breakfast around here?”
At the lunch place:
“Could you make sure no-one steals this table while I go to the
restroom?”
Now, am I saying you always need a favor as an excuse to meet a
guy?
Of course not.
Sometimes you’ll just be at a party and you’ll see a guy you want to
talk to. In this kind of scenario you can be more forward and just
ask him how he knows the host.
If it feels unnatural for you to talk to guys out of the blue, it’s
important you get used to making conversation wherever you
happen to be. This way it becomes more normal and you’ll always
have ‘warmed up’ social muscles.
Do whatever it takes to get yourself in that state. Hang out with
your most sociable friends and let their openness rub off on you.
Make sure you converse with service staff and make it a point to
28  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
have a conversation with the guy who serves your coffee, the waiter
at the cocktail bar, the staff at airports, grocery stores, book shops.
Be the person who asks for recommendations, or who asks
someone how their day is going. Having these conversations will
seem small, but enough of them will allow you to get used to those
nerves that build up when you have new social interactions.
For some readers this kind of gregarious social interaction will
seem like the most natural thing in the world.
For others, it’s going to feel tougher at first, but if you push through
this barrier, you will experience incredible results in your love life.
Like I said, if you have sociable friends who seem to do this
naturally, get proximity to them and you’ll find it easy to be open
and approach people with others who share the same attitude. But
remember, there’s no substitute for taking your own action and
learning how to handle social pressure.
Try this mission today:
Start three conversations with different guys by asking for a
recommendation, how their day is going, or for a favor.
Matthew Hussey  29
Chapter 3
How to Approach a Guy Via Social Media
Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tinder… as Justin Timberlake’s
character says in The Social Network, “First we lived on farms, then
we lived in cities, and now we’re going to live on the Internet!”
Okay, maybe you don’t exactly live online. But more of us are
choosing to date and find romance in the digital world than ever
before.
Are the rules of social interaction different on the Internet?
Not exactly.
But there are rules of etiquette for approaching someone via social
networking, and it pays to know a few going in.
1. Approach, but approach gently
Anonymity online is a blessing and a curse.
It’s a blessing because it allows you to speak to a guy without taking
a huge social risk, and even if you get ignored or rejected, you can
be comfortable that you’ll probably never see that guy in person.
The curse is that online it’s hard to build trust.
30  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
You don’t know him, he doesn’t know you, and you both don’t
know at first if you are who you say you are. You could be a weird
stalker, he could be a creep. Neither of you know for sure.
Which is why you should start small.
Let’s say you add a friend of a friend on Facebook. You can only get
in touch online because you have no phone number to contact this
guy. What’s your strategy?
First, get his attention in a low-key way.
Start by just ‘liking’ one or two of his pictures. He’ll get a
notification and be aware of your presence and can decide whether
he wants to get to know you better.
Be smart about the photos you choose to like. Maybe it’s a photo of
him with his friends about to jump out of an airplane. Here you can
say: “Wow, that’s brave of you” or “I’ve always wanted to do that”.
It allows for him to see a little of your personality without even
having an initial conversation with you.
Some other photos you might like:
- Photo of him with his family
- Him doing something with friends
- Him out of the country
- Him playing a sport or doing an activity.
This doesn’t mean go back 52 weeks in his photo archive to find
them... you don’t want to seem like a strange person who spent 20
minutes on his page. Go for recent photos. If he doesn’t post that
often, just don’t scroll down 100 photos!
Also remember you only need to like a couple - 3 or 4 at most. Any
more is overkill.
Matthew Hussey  31
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Now, his profile has to be public in order for you to start liking
photos, but you could still request him.
Just keep your initial approach very small, as it would be weird for
him to see a ton of activity from a woman he’s never met before.
2. Add guys who share something in common with you
Can you add a guy as a friend if you don’t know him? In general, I
advise against doing this on Facebook until you’ve met him at least
once in person.
If, however, you happen to share something in common, like you
both go to the same university or work in a similar field, then you
have a good excuse to add him as a friend that doesn’t seem like
it’s for romantic reasons (after all, it’s called social networking for a
reason).
3. Send a short, non-committal message
Once you add that guy from work or college, or that friend of a
friend you said hello to at a party, you can send a message. But keep
this very short and sweet.
Just think of it as taking a small chance.
Don’t ask a ton of probing questions that sound like you’re fishing
for info or gossip on his life.
Ask him about one detail of his profile.
If you see pictures of his trip to Kenya last year, and you have also
been, ask him in your message:
32  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
“What did you think of Nairobi? I went a few years ago and
safari was one of the best things I’ve ever done.”
Keep it as small and simple as that.
Alternatively, see what TV shows he has liked, or hobbies, or some
detail about the industry or college you both work in. For example,
if he’s a literature student at college, ask if he’s going to the book fair
this week, or the poetry reading next Tuesday.
You might also say something about a mutual friend:
“How hilarious was [insert friends name]’s Halloween Costume
last year?”
“Does ______ make you dance with her too?”
“I know ______ from school... did you go to ______ as well? I
don’t remember seeing you around.”
Again, I must stress here not to go too far into stalking territory.
This is why you must keep the message brief. The less you say, the
more it looks like you just casually noticed a detail on his profile
and dashed off a quick “hello” in passing.
If he responds with a question or two, it means he’s interested and
wants to keep the conversation going. We’re going to come onto the
steps for this in the texting chapters in this guide, but for now: keep
it fun and positive, not too much back and forth, and don’t message
all day.
Since you approached this guy online, let him be the one to take
the reins with arranging a one-on-one meeting. Feel free to ask him
Matthew Hussey  33
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
if he’s going to the party next week, but don’t ask him to meet you
one-on-one: leave that ball in his court.
Lastly, don’t hesitate. If you are interested in someone, go for it. Be
the confident woman you either are or want to be. And remember,
men like being approached just as much as women do.
34  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 4
How to Flirt With a Guy You Just Met
I remember being out one sunny evening in Los Angeles. After
flirtatiously exchanging eye contact with a woman in the same bar,
we began talking. Thirty minutes later we were still in conversation,
having a great time, laughing, being sarcastic and teasing each
other. She was witty and playful and clearly very intelligent.
While I was talking I caught her looking over at a man and a
woman standing together. She then looked back at me, cutting off
my sentence to say: “Awwwww, you never do that to me!” clearly
referring to something that was going on between the couple.
I looked over and the guy was groping the ass of the woman he
was with, obviously and publicly. Both of them appeared to be very
drunk.
I immediately began laughing, both at her funny observation and
her role-play in which we had known each other a lot longer than
thirty minutes (in her words: “you never do that to me”).
The fact that she could say it about a drunken moment between
two people who were sloppy and all over each other when the two
of us were sober and composed made her extremely attractive to
me. But then again, someone with a sense of irony is sexy to me.
Matthew Hussey  35
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
You can apply this same technique when you are on the phone to a
guy for the first time.
Let’s say you’ve been talking online to each other, and have for the
first time gotten to the point of a phone call. You hope it’ll turn into
a date and ask him:
“How are you? Anything fun or interesting happening for you this week?”
(Not a bad question to ask at the beginning of a conversation
while we are on the subject… it is specific and forces him to draw
attention to the more interesting events of the week instead of
eliciting the vague, “yeah, I’ve had a good week” type of response.)
He says: “It’s been a great week! I actually just went to see the new
Avengers last night. It was SO good.”
You can playfully and ironically respond in your most endearing
and cute voice:
“Awwww, you never take me to the movies!”
The whole point of this is that it’s a premature thing to say. That’s
what makes it ironic (and endearing). You’ve never even been on
a date with him, and you’re telling him something he’s never done
for you in a way that suggests he is at fault. Adorable, and great for
creating fun exchanges even with people you barely know.
So long as his own wit can keep up, you’ll likely get a response like:
“I’m so sorry! How awful of me. You must forgive me. We’ll go, I
promise!”
Now you have a fun little role play on your hands (which might just
switch from a joke to reality before you know it).
36  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 5
How to Tell If He’s Into You
Secret About Men
We men are not subtle creatures.
When we like someone, we give very obvious signals, far more so
than the subtle hints women drop that leave us perplexed about
whether you’re interested or not!
Here are some of the un-subtle behaviors a man will exhibit around
the woman he fancies.
1. He keeps looking over
His eyes go where his heart most wants them to. If he likes you, a
guy won’t be able to help himself from looking constantly in your
direction, if not right at you. He probably won’t hide it very well
either.
2. He’ll try to get proximity
The women we desire are like catnip. We just can’t help moving
closer and closer to you.
Matthew Hussey  37
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
If he repeatedly sits near you, stands close to you, attempts to be
in the same room as you, or tries to make sure you’re both on the
same bus, it’s because he wants you to notice him.
Maybe you move to the other side of the room and suddenly he
appears five minutes later. Yeah… that means he likes you.
3. He’ll find excuses to interact with you
If he hears you talk about a movie with your friends in
conversation, he’ll find you after a bit and say:
“Oh, did you say you love Martin Scorsese films? I do too! Have
you seen The Wolf Of Wall Street?”
Or maybe you’re all in a big group eating dinner. If a guy likes you
in that group, he’ll ask what you’re thinking of ordering from the
menu.
Basically, he’ll find any reason to make conversation when he’s in
your vicinity.
4. He’s curious to know your world notice superficial interaction vs
know you in detail and ask lots
of questions
Guys who like you will want to know
little details: how many
siblings you have, what you do for work, how often you go home,
where you’re from, what you studied in school – no detail is too
small for a guy who wants to be a part of your world.
Guys who aren’t interested will keep things very superficial, as
frankly, they probably aren’t very interested in more than a brief
chat before talking to someone else. A guy who likes you will ask a
lot of questions.
5. He’ll make plans to spend more time together
38  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Does he plan for something else, ask for your number, or does he
call you later to arrange something?
When men are attracted, they’ll usually want to make sure they
stay in touch and have plans for the next time they’ll see you.
(However, I should point out that some men have the ‘potential’ to
be attracted to you, they just haven’t reached that point yet, which
is why they aren’t asking you out. We’ll talk later about generating
attraction through your texts to get him to ask you out).
6. He’ll talk about things you could do together
When you tell him about a film you want to go and see, does he say
he wants to see it too and hint at seeing it together? Does he offer to
show you places/restaurants in your city?
These are all signs that he wants more than just friendship,
especially if he talks about doing it as just the two of you.
7. He’ll find reasons to touch you
Does he playfully touch you/hug you? Even a high five can show he
is trying to establish physical contact.
He will likely touch your arm, or put his hand on the small of your
back when you walk in front. Does he ever put his arms around
you? That’s also a sign he wants to be close.
8. He’ll lean in
He’ll try hard to lean in and listen to everything you’re saying.
You’ll also see he puts a lot of effort into his answers when he talks,
and he’ll try to share more than normal.
9. He’s attentive
Matthew Hussey  39
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
He’ll want to make sure you’re not cold, or ask if you want another
drink, or make sure you have a cab home.
10. He’ll give specific compliments
Rather than generic “you look nice” compliments, he’ll tell you how
much fun he’s having, or tell you how cute your smile is, or how
you have an incredible energy about you.
11. He’ll smile a lot
Because any time spent in your company is company he enjoys.
12. He’ll get lost in your eyes
He will make prolonged eye contact when you talk, and have a look
of being ‘lost’ in your eyes, as though he’s hanging on every word
(or not listening at all).
13. He’ll be more excitable
Not in a sexual way, but in his general energy level. He’ll always
have energy to do more in your presence, like a dog that has just
seen his owner in the driveway.
Look for signs of nerves, fidgeting, or lots of smiling and laughing
at your jokes.
AND… If he’s not into you?
If he isn’t interested, a guy will be scanning the room, not paying
attention, not really listening to anything you say or probing
further with deeper questions. He’ll talk at you, not to you. He’ll be
extremely controlled all the time. He’ll keep looking for his friends
and allow silences to linger without picking up conversation.
40  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 6
How to Guarantee a Guy Swaps
Numbers With You
Getting someone’s number typically feels like a man’s game.
Secret About Men
The problem is, most men aren’t very good at it. We fumble
through conversations, barely concentrating on what we are
saying because we are too busy to assess the right time and the
perfect line to get your number, all while trying to come across as
casual and relaxed.
No man will ever be angry for you making this step a little easier.
This doesn’t mean doing the work for him, it just means making
things run smoother.
Here are some simple techniques for progressing to the number
exchange:
1. “You and your friends seem fun. We should all hang out
sometime.”
Matthew Hussey  41
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
This is clearly very casual.
When exiting the conversation, it’s an easy thing to say as a sign off.
It takes the pressure off as well, because it doesn’t sound like just
you and him going on a date (yet!).
The message you are sending is: “You guys are cool, we are cool,
and us cool people should all get together.”
Obviously the natural place for him to go after this is to ask for
your number so that he can make this happen. Make sure to leave
the gap for him to do this, and don’t do it for him.
2. “You want to learn salsa too? Okay, well it seems obvious we
should learn together.” (Said in a playful way)
Whenever something comes up that you BOTH want to do, it’s
a great time to talk playfully about doing it together. What I’ve
written above may seem forward, but it can actually be used with
someone you’ve just met because it’s humorous. BUT, it does send a
subtle message that you are okay with the idea of seeing him again,
which makes it easier for him to ask for your number at the end of
the conversation.
Another example of how this could be used is with a movie:
“You’re excited about the new Jurassic Park movie too? I’m dying
to see it! We should do that together because we know that no
matter what, we can’t not have a good time since we are seeing
that movie.”
Even though this example is worded differently, it still contains
that “we should go” assumptive attitude that attractive people have.
They don’t express doubt about whether or not someone would
42  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
want to come with them, they simply talk like the other person
knows instinctively that it would be a good time.
These types of “we should go” lines aren’t things to end the
conversation with, they are things you say during the conversation
to ‘pre-seed’ the idea of a date.
It gives him ideas on what he might do with you once he’s got your
number, as well as the comfort of having a basis (even if tenuous or
said in jest) for asking for your number.
3. “I really have to get back to my friends. We are supposed to
be on a girl’s night, and I’ve been over here talking to you!
I’m impressed you kept me this long. Why don’t you take my
number and we’ll see if we get on this well over the phone.”
All of this is said very playfully of course, but the psychology
behind this is strong.
First, you are the one making the exit to get back to your friends.
This makes you scarce in the moment and raises your value by
showing you are in demand with other people.
Second, it allows you to have a moment of flirtation where you
compliment him on being able to hold you for so long when you
are supposed to be only with your girlfriends.
Third, because you are the one leaving, it gives you a little more
license to be ever so slightly more forward in offering your number
to him on the way out.
I wouldn’t recommend doing this all the time, because generally
I’m in favor of giving the guy the opportunity to give you his
number with your suggestiveness, and letting him take the lead, but
in this case it’s a compromise.
Matthew Hussey  43
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
To ensure he still knows his work isn’t done, however, include that
last sentence, “we’ll see if we get on this well over the phone”. The
implication is twofold: first you are saying that the two of you have
been getting on well, but you are also saying, “I don’t necessarily
know you well enough to go on a date with you, but we can talk
on the phone. There’s still room for you to blow it at that stage, so
bring your A-game!”
It leaves him with a challenge, even when you are the one who is
leaving your number with him.
4. “We’re going to this really cool bar, [insert name], after this,
you should go, you’d love it.”
It’s obvious, but letting the guy know where you are heading next
gives him one of two opportunities. Either he can ask for your
number to text you about it when he’s leaving, or he can simply
show up there knowing you are going to be there. I’ve used the
word “go” in the place of “come” because it’s a little less about you
and more about the fact that he would have a good time in that
location.
There is an alternative to this if he asks you where you are headed
next and you are not sure, so he tells you where he is going. You can
say:
“That sounds cool. Maybe you can text us and let us know how it
is when you get there and if it’s worth coming over.”
What I enjoy about this is that you are not actually giving him your
number, because he still has to ask.
44  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
You’ve jumped ahead by saying he should text you (I used the word
‘us’ in the line so that it looks like it’s for you and your friends, not
just you), but he still has to do the asking. It also makes the number
exchange about the practical issue of finding out if the place he is
going turns out to be ‘worth it’. It’s relaxed for both you and him.
Matthew Hussey  45
Chapter 7
How to Know Who Should Text First
Who strikes first once you’ve exchanged numbers?
It’s supposed to be the man’s job, right?
Usually that’s presumed to be the case. But the messy truth of this is
not so clear-cut. The most straightforward answer I can give on this
is: “it depends”.
Not every area of attraction has a hard-and-fast rule.
When it comes to deciding whether or not to text first, it depends
on a couple of things:
– Who has done all the investing so far?
– Who asked for the number?
If, for example, this guy spent the whole night with you and your
friends, asked for your number, and generally showed a ton of
interest when you saw him… then there’s no problem being the
first to shoot over a message. You could say to him after you leave
the party:
“Hope the rest of your night was good without me…kind of ;)”.
46  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
This message is really cute but it’s also short and doesn’t invite
further conversation. If he texts back - awesome. If not - no biggie.
Just hang back and see if he gets back to you. You’ve dropped the
initial bait and it’s up to him to take it.
What if You Got His Number?
If you were the one who asked to exchange numbers, let him make
the next move.
You’ve given enough interest by showing you want to talk to him
again, so now it’s up to him to take things further.
Key Idea
We have to understand that there is always a flow to attraction.
It’s not as simple as saying, “men are supposed to do the chasing”
or other clichés like that. The truth is, both of you take it in turns
to move a little closer each time. It’s as though you are always
closing down space and then re-creating it.
For example, you close down space by asking him to join you guys
at a party, and then leave space for him to make the move to come.
Or you could close down space by touching his hand, giving him
space to make the move to kiss you. You are in a dance of attraction
in which you both chase a little at different times.
Ways to Text Him After Exchanging Numbers
What do you say if you’re going to fire out the first text?
My advice? Keep it light-hearted, specific, and short.
Matthew Hussey  47
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
A great way to do this is to reference a shared joke you both had
when you first met. Imagine you guys met on a dance floor and
were doing a silly dance to a rap song. The next day you text him
saying:
“I miss our dance”
Now you’ve given him a memory to smile about when he opens his
messages, and it doesn’t do too much. It’s just a short text to let him
know you thought of him in your day. Nothing more.
This is so much more powerful than some generic text that says:
“So how was the rest of your night?”
This shows none of your personality and doesn’t inject any fun into
the conversation.
Begin playfully, and you have already set the flirty tone for the
interaction.
You can do this with anything. Imagine you both met at a friend’s
wedding and there was a strange waiter called Derek who had a
funny voice that made you both giggle. You can text him the next
day saying:
“I already miss Derek”
Again, it shows you’re indirectly thinking about him and makes you
both part of an inside joke.
48  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Or perhaps during your first conversation he told you how much
he loved the film Interstellar, and you told him, “Ugh, I couldn’t
stand that movie. It was so dumb and pretentious.”
You could then text him the next day and refer back to this:
“My friend just came to me raving about Interstellar. I hate you
both :)”
Or if he told you he can’t wait to see the new Jurassic Park, you
could text him a few days later to say:
“I have something to tell you. I saw the new Jurassic Park last
night. My friend really wanted to go. Please forgive me!”
(If you are an emoji fan, this would be a good text to use the little
monkey with its hands over its eyes!)
Short, sharp, and sweet. Then leave him room to come and close
the gap.
Matthew Hussey  49
Chapter 8
How to Get Him to Ask You Out
You can text a guy back and forth for days or weeks and still not
know how to get him to ask you out.
How do you get him to make the suggestion?
Simple: Put the idea in his head early on.
For example, if I’m going to ask a girl out, I know it’s so much easier
if she has already hinted at something she wants to do. If she says,
“I’ve lived in New York for a year but I’ve never walked over the
Brooklyn Bridge, I really want to go!”, it implants an idea in my
head for when I next see her.
I think to myself: Maybe I’ll find somewhere cool to eat near the
Brooklyn Bridge and then stroll there for our first date.
The more you express your likes and dislikes to a guy, the more
natural it’s going to be for him to ask you out, because he already
knows where you want to go.
That way, he doesn’t now have to be guessing whether you like
Sushi or whether the sight of raw sashimi and salmon rolls makes
you want to gag.
50  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
How to Steer Him Towards Your Favorite Date
What if you really want to do a particular kind of activity or date,
and you want him to take you there?
Secret About Men
I’ll let you in on a secret about men: We only want to impress
women who show that their interest is dependent upon us
impressing them.
What do I mean by that?
To motivate him to do certain activities, you have to show him how
impressed and attractive you find it when a guy does those things.
For example, you could say:
“Oh I have so many cool places I want to go to in this city. I try
new things here all the time! I find it so attractive when people
take me to spots I’ve never been.”
When you drop that into conversation, he starts to think of new
ideas for where he can take you (you can also do this one with a
boyfriend who you want to take you to new places).
By saying this line, you make him want to be original.
But what if he doesn’t take the hint? What if he arranges a stale,
boring date that sounds so run-of-the-mill it leaves you seriously
considering staying in with Netflix and mixing your own rum and
coke instead?
Matthew Hussey  51
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
There are two possibilities: (a) he’s not an imaginative guy (in
which case, maybe he’s not one you want to date for long anyway!),
and (b) he’s keeping it low-key for a first date.
The latter one is fairly common. Some guys don’t make a ton of
effort until they decide they are really into you. He may just want to
test the water and see how things go after some initial conversation.
That’s fine. But if he asks you out for drinks again, you can say:
“I don’t really want to go sit in a bar tonight. Let’s find something
fun to do in this city!”
Notice here that you’re also saying, “Let’s find something fun to do”,
instead of telling him: “You find something fun for us to do.”
You are giving him the challenge to be more imaginative in his
choice of date-venue, but you are saying it as though the fun is you
both doing it together, so he doesn’t feel insulted.
You can even be more direct and say:
“We should go to that new night exhibition at the museum. They
have a DJ and everything, it looks so fun!”
The beauty of this is you now have a guy who knows exactly how to
impress you the next time he takes you on a date.
52  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 9
How to Make Fascinating First Date
Conversation That Keeps Him
Coming Back for More
Most people are terrible at first dates.
Actually, worse than that: most people are boring on a first date.
Ugh. Is there anything worse in life than just being mediocre?
Mediocre is the opposite of memorable.
It’s not what makes someone go home and think about us for the
next three days.
A big part of first-dates with guys is just chitchat. Getting to know
him, who he is and what he values.
I have a routine for going on first dates. You might think it’s corny,
but I always prepare what I’m going to say.
That sounds ludicrous, I know.
When I say I prepare, I don’t exactly mean that I sit and write
out potential lists of topics for conversation, like “the economy”,
Matthew Hussey  53
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“environment”, “the latest celebrity gossip” or any other such timely
prompts.
What I do instead is run through a mental checklist in my head:
•• What have I got coming up that’s exciting?
•• What’s something interesting I learned recently?
•• What’s a great book I read? What movies have I seen?
•• What did I achieve in my career in the last 6 months?
•• What fun trip or travel plans have I lined up this year?
Having pre-considered answers to these makes me a much better
conversationalist.
You can even just freestyle on any of these topics. For example,
just talk about a documentary you saw this week: “I saw this lifechanging film, it’s called Jiro Dreams Of Sushi. Have you heard of
it? Oh God, it’s so good! It’s about a man who treats sushi like an
art form and is the best in the world at his craft. It made me want to
dedicate my life to mastering a skill. What do you think you would
master to that level if you could only pick one thing?”
See how you can make interesting conversation out of one movie
you saw? This is how I come up with ideas for my radio show. I
pick something I’ve been passionate about that week, or a fun
theory or question I’ve come up with, and roll with it or discuss
it with my listeners. Once you get going with this and begin with
something you care about, you find endless treasures and thoughts
in your mind you didn’t know you even had.
54  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
So few of us are imaginative in our conversations. We stay with the
logical and pedestrian questions and answers.
One of the most depressing things is being sat across from a
woman and asking: “What’s the coolest thing you’ve got coming
up in the next 6 months?” and seeing them say “nothing really”
followed by a nervous giggle.
“Nothing really” is always bad conversation. It shows that you have
no imagination, and a woman with no imagination spells a life of
boring, dull conversations.
I remember a scene from a TV show where the chef Anthony
Bourdain was talking to a fellow chef who told him how he always
prepares to be a good dinner guest. He thinks about his latest
stories, what he’s learnt that week, and interesting events that
happened to him. He thinks about how he could be engaging to
others, instead of hoping others would be fascinating for him. I’ve
always been inspired by this mindset to ask better questions and
have better answers to the standard questions everyone asks on
dates.
So let’s say he asks you: “What cool stuff have you got coming up
in the next 6 months?” You might use this as a springboard to talk
about.
Your First Date Cheat Sheet
A new adventure or risk you’re about to take:
“I’m booked to go snowboarding in December. I’ve heard you
crash on your butt constantly in the first week though!”
Matthew Hussey  55
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
A fun trip you have planned:
“I’m going to South America for the first time in my life. It’s the
first time I’ve set foot in the whole continent.”
(Now you have the bonus of starting a new conversation about
which continents you’ve both traveled to, and which countries
you’d most like to visit.)
A cool project at work:
“I’m working on a new marketing campaign for this really cool
new product… basically it’s a robot that cuts the crusts off your
sandwiches for you. Pretty cool, right?”
A target for the year:
“I’ve decided I’m going to write every day. I figure if I do 500
words before bed by the end of a year I’m going to have a book.”
(Now you can discuss the book you’d like to write and ask him what
book he would write if he got the chance.)
Alternatively you could talk about:
A show or movie you just watched:
“I just saw Jiro Dreams Of Sushi. Have you seen it? Do you think
you could ever focus that much on any one skillset like he has on
sushi?”
56  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Random thoughts/theories/ideas:
“I feel like if Toy Story 3 doesn’t make a person cry, they might be
broken.”
(Side note: If you’ve ever listened to my radio show or watched my
YouTube channel, you’ll know I specialize in random thoughts,
theories and ideas.)
See how these allow you to turn the conversation down any avenue
you like?
Just a tiny amount of preparation leads you to never running out of
things to talk about.
Take some time to think about your answers to these questions,
and if you can’t think of any, talk about things you would like to do,
even if you’re not doing them all yet.
Now you’ll always have a checklist of topics flowing in your head
for any first date scenario!
Matthew Hussey  57
Chapter 10
How to Blow it on a Date (What NOT to Say)
Benjamin Franklin once spoke of the importance of what not to say
in conversation:
“Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far
more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting
moment.”
It’s all too easy to kill attraction before it has even been built. Here
are some temptations you must avoid in conversation if you want to
keep his interest:
1. Talking about your ex’s
With a boyfriend, on occasion you’re going to talk about ex’s. That’s
ok, if it’s done sparingly and without excessive detail.
On early dates, stay off this topic as much as you can. If you must
talk about it, be positive about your ex and show you have moved
on. Make the old relationship sound like the distant past – like it’s
of no more interest to you at all.
If you share painful sob stories or talk about how much your ex
hurt you emotionally, it’s only going to sound like you’re not over it
yet. There’s nothing unsexier than someone who is carrying around
baggage from old relationships.
58  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
If your ex comes up because you’re discussing what ended past
relationships, you can say:
“Oh I had a similar issue with my ex. He’s a good person, but he
wasn’t very responsible and I think that’s really important.”
This shows you’re not emotional about it and that you’ve moved
forward with your life.
2. Talking about body insecurities
If he’s on a date with you, he finds you sexy.
So for the love of all that is holy, do not even jokingly talk about any
issues you have with your weight, your skin, your hair, your legs, or
any other part of you that you feel ashamed of.
I have a rule with body issues: either fix them or learn to love them.
Never say something like:
“Yeah, I really need to get back to the gym. I’m not in shape right
now.” If you’re out of shape, you are just going to make him focus
more on your body.
In fact, this is bad to say even if you are in shape. It just makes you
sound obsessed with your body in an unhealthy way.
If you are trying to lose weight, talk about the things you are doing
positively without needing to reference your weight itself:
“I’ve been doing these soul cycle classes, have you been? They are
so much fun…”
Matthew Hussey  59
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
3. Being negative towards others
Do not run your friends down. Try also not to be nasty about
strangers in front of him. It only makes him think you’ll be bitchy
when he’s not there.
Do not indulge in snarky gossip and mean remarks in front of him,
e.g.
“My friend Sandra is really easy when it comes to men. She
sleeps with a lot of guys…”
He might laugh along with you at the time, but if he’s a good guy,
he’s just going to think that you could be gossiping this way about
him if he’s not careful.
Also, don’t be afraid to call him out a little when he’s being mean
about his friends, or anybody in general. If he says something a bit
mean about someone’s appearance or one of his friends, you can
say: “Hey, come on, be nice!” - even if you do it with a smile. It
shows you’re classy and don’t have a desire to bring others down.
4. Anything that puts him on the defensive
If you start trying to question his life choices early on, or mock his
career, or make him feel embarrassed and humiliated, he’ll run far
and fast.
To summarize, these four areas need to be ironed out of all
conversation (at least until you are much more intimate, and even
then, they should be minimized): Emotional Baggage, Insecurity,
Gossip and Negativity, and Insulting Behavior.
60  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 11
How to Tease a Guy to Create
Uncontrollable Desire
Ever find when you meet a REALLY cute guy it’s impossible to flirt
and just be yourself?
That’s what kept happening to Elizabeth, a client of mine.
Elizabeth had a passion for anything artistic and loved to paint at
the weekends. Mark, her date, said on his online profile that he was
crazy about books and all things cultural. A perfect match! The
odds were in her favour. Or that’s what she thought…
Here’s what happened in Elizabeth’s words:
“Mark arrived at the bar, and I was instantly relieved that he looked
like his profile pic. Square jaw, well-built, great smile, exactly my type.
He confidently went straight in for a hug. I squeaked out a ‘hi’ and
tried to think of what to say as we ordered our drinks.
The conversation was pretty easy going. We had a ton of similar
interests – reading, yoga, geeking out on Game of Thrones – but as
the date went on it felt like we were talking as friends. I kept asking
ordinary questions like: ‘So...when did you last go on vacation?’
Matthew Hussey  61
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
At one point I thought about making a risqué joke about the time
I painted nude models in my art class, but nothing came out and I
missed the moment.
When he smiled, I wanted to compliment his cute dimples, but I
worried it would sound too forward and choked again. I couldn’t get
out of my head, analysing every little thing I was about to say, losing
my nerve every time.
The date ended with us walking around a local market, but I couldn’t
tell if he was into me and I’m pretty sure he didn’t know I was
attracted to him.
We said goodbye with a peck on the cheek, and that was it. I wanted
to encourage him to make a move, but I hadn’t been flirty at all and it
felt weird to make something happen out of nowhere.
It was missing the spark, and I knew I was 50% to blame because I
never took any risks and stayed in my shell the whole date.”
Turn on His “Desire” Switch – Use the Extra 5%
Elizabeth’s story reminded me of something important: it can be
very dangerous to play it too safe in love.
Being mild-mannered, passive, not rocking the boat…all of
these things stop us from flirting with the person we REALLY
like.
The ability to be a great flirt isn’t some holy magic or a natural gift
people are blessed with: it’s in that 5% extra risk that makes a guy
really feel attraction and think of you as more than a friend.
62  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
One of the best ways to become great at flirting with guys is to start
TEASING.
If you’ve ever had a cute guy playfully tease you in just the right
way, you’ll know exactly what I mean. It probably produced an
instant and intense attraction which made you want to be close to
him (and maybe even grab him if you were being honest!).
There’s no one way to tease a guy, and in a moment I’ll give you a
bunch of different ways to do it. Suffice it to say that teasing is a
way to give a guy some playful bait to react to.
Once you combine the ‘teasing’ techniques I give you below with
techniques on GETTING HIM TO OPEN UP (Chapter 21) and
PLAYING TO HIS MASCULINITY (Chapter 24), you’ll notice
a guy will find himself inexplicably drawn to you after just a few
encounters.
The beauty of teasing is that it allows you to create more of a vibe
with a guy in 8 seconds than most people do in 8 hours, just by
knowing what to say in certain situations.
Why? Because it turns on a man’s “Desire Switch”.
Suppose, for example, you’re out with a guy and it turns out you
both share a love of cooking. You can say to him:
“Well, baking is my specialty. So I’m warning you: don’t
challenge me there.”
Then if he jokes around and brags about his skills, you can say:
“Hmmm I’m not sure...maybe I can trial you as my assistant chef
first...”
Matthew Hussey  63
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
If he takes the bait, you can extend the joke further by saying:
“You have strong arms, so you at least should be able to do the
mixing when I get tired.”
Or you could say with a wink in your tone:
“At least if you turn out to be no good you’ll look pretty doing it.”
As another example, suppose he mentions that he saw your holiday
photos on your Facebook profile.
This is the perfect chance for a tease. You can say:
“Now, you weren’t just looking for my photos of me in a
swimsuit, were you?”
This is what teasing is at its best: you’re just lightly poking a guy in
a way that challenges him whilst giving him a little smile as well.
Notice how teasing is like a wink and a nudge at the same time. You
throw out the bait and give him a chance to catch it and chase you
even more.
Other Ways to Get Him to Notice You with Teasing
Once I was with a girlfriend and went on a long, rambling
monologue about a certain movie director, explaining all the
reasons I liked certain films of his and not others.
64  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
At one point she said, “I totally agree, but can I just say at this
moment that I’ve never seen someone get this passionate and
serious about films. I’m really enjoying watching you in Mr. Serious
mode right now.”
As she said it, she did a little impression of me being serious by
narrowing her eyes and mimicking my face.
I immediately caught myself and got a little embarrassed when she
said it. Noticing my self-consciousness, she said, “Noooo, I liked it!
I just thought it was super cute how into it you were. Carry on with
what you were saying, I love it!”
This is teasing at its best: a combination of INTEREST and a
sprinkle of playful CHALLENGE.
Here are some other ways to combine these two qualities to your
advantage:
1. Be affectionate with it – This is a golden rule, and it’s really the
secret to joking around without offending someone.
Imagine he trips over in front of you and feels embarrassed. Maybe
he says, “I can’t believe I did that, how embarrassing.” Instead of
laughing at him, you can respond:
“No, it was so adorable because you’re usually so smooth the rest
of the time.”
2. Imply that he’s trouble (in a good way) – If he texts you in the
middle of the day, you can write back:
“I’m not supposed to text while I’m at work, yet you keep
tempting me to pull out my phone. I knew you were trouble.”
Matthew Hussey  65
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
3. Imply he misses you – Maybe you missed a couple of his calls
and then when you ring him back he says:
“I’ve been trying to get through to you all day,” to which you can
respond:
“Aww, did you miss me? I miss you too.” (Said in a sweet but
playful way.)
You could alternatively reply:
“Aww, does this mean you have a full-on crush on me?” (Said to
a guy you are more familiar with, so he knows you’re kidding.)
Or, when he says he’s been trying to call you all day, you can
respond:
“I know, I’ve been so busy. I’ve barely had time to talk to anyone
all day. Luckily for you you’re the one person I find it hard to
resist.”
4. Learn to banter with him – Let’s say you’re both having a
conversation about where you’d like to travel in the world. He
says he wants to live in South America. Then he jokes that you
should come with him, swim on the beach all day, and live by
the ocean.
You can respond:
“That sounds great. But if you see me in my bikini you may not
let me go home.”
66  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Another route to good banter is to pretend-joke about stuff he
never does for you anymore. For example, even if it’s only your
second date and you walk past someone getting a back rub from
her boyfriend, you could say to your guy:
“Ah, you never rub my back anymore.”
This is a fun way to joke around with him and pretend like you’re a
couple already, even though you’re only on a second date.
The key with this is to show affection whilst keeping the tone fun
and silly – occasionally throwing in a challenge here and there.
Now you’re teasing him in a way that instead of making him
defensive, only makes him more desperate to please you!
Warning! Be the Alluring Goddess, NOT His Bratty Sister
One more disclaimer on this because I’ve seen this kind of playful
banter go horribly wrong, so for the record, let me be clear:
Teasing is NOT mocking.
There are some people out there who think of the word “teasing”
and immediately assume that it means making fun of a guy,
exposing his insecurities and joking at his expense.
You might be under the illusion that poking fun of a guy makes you
seem confident and funny, but it really just makes him see you as
his bratty sister.
When you mock him, you put him on the defensive, which kills
your allure.
Matthew Hussey  67
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
A real tease is supposed to be playful, not mocking. It’s like a little
poke that makes him want to poke back, but it should never sound
like a targeted insult.
For example, if he momentarily forgets what the capital of Italy is,
and you laugh at him in front of others and say,
“That’s so dumb, I can’t believe you could forget something like
that!”
It kills his affectionate feelings towards you in that moment.
Teasing isn’t bringing a guy down; it’s about challenging him so
that he wants to impress you EVEN more.
Another huge mistake I see women making is acting sceptical
when a guy tells her his ambitions and hopes for the future. He
says, “I want to build a big enough company that I could live in two
different countries. I’d love to be able to travel between two houses”,
and she’ll respond:
“Really? That’s kind of hopeful isn’t it?”
This kind of thing stings his ego, even though he may do a good
job of hiding it. Worst of all, it may close him down from opening
up to you again if he feels like he’ll be made fun of for his future
aspirations.
Remember, in flirting, guys respond to hearing a level of
INTEREST combined with that playful CHALLENGE.
Mix these two together and you have a powerful combination, but
remember to do both, as shown in the examples above.
68  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Of course, teasing is just one part of generating intrigue from a guy.
For LONG-TERM attraction, you’ll need to combine this with
showing you have boundaries and self-respect (e.g. Chapter 30 on
the “High-Value Response to the Booty Call”) and making him
feel like a man (see, for example, the “Hero Technique” in Chapter
22; see also Chapter 24).
Remember, anyone can do generic small talk, but flirtatious teasing
is the spark that lights the fireworks lurking beneath the surface.
It’s only 5% more than you are doing now, but it’s the 5% that makes
ALL the difference.
Matthew Hussey  69
Chapter 12
How to Use Touch to Drive Him Wild
Being tactile (i.e. touching the other person) is important
to attraction in general. It speeds up the process of getting
comfortable with someone, and if done right, can build an
enormous amount of chemistry very quickly.
The challenge of any loud environment is to find a way to initiate a
conversation with a man without shouting something meaningless
in his ear.
The technique to overcome this is simple. If you are in a noisy
environment and you want to talk to him, simply squeeze his
bicep. You don’t even have to say anything after this. In fact, you
can turn your body slightly away from him, almost as if you were
just checking to see if his muscle was as great as you thought it was
going to be, but now you’ve solved that mystery.
A couple of caveats here:
First, don’t linger with your touch for too long or it will come off as
weird or too aggressive. A quick, light squeeze is fine.
Second, limit this to men who actually have something resembling
muscle in their arm. Doing this to a very skinny guy or a very
overweight guy runs the risk of coming off as sarcastic.
70  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Third, this is harder to pull off in the middle of the day or in a nonbusy environment that doesn’t have a party atmosphere to it. This
doesn’t mean you can’t pull it off in these environments, but if it
makes you a little nervous, save it for the dance floor where you can
have some fun with it.
Using this, like the Victorian art of dropping your handkerchief,
sends a clear sign that you are okay with him talking to you. In the
past when this has been done to me, I have responded by squeezing
her bicep back and acting equally impressed.
It’s fun, it’s playful, it’s easy… It ticks all the right boxes.
Matthew Hussey  71
Chapter 13
How to Flirt With a Work Colleague
When you meet a cute guy in a work-scenario, flirting gets tricky.
You don’t know how to break out of the confines of being
colleagues and lead the conversation into more flirtatious territory.
What’s more, you probably feel it’s hard to tell if he’s being friendly
or if there are in fact sparks between you.
Let’s picture this scenario: you’re having a meeting with a guy and
you feel a tug of chemistry. Or at least he seems cute and you’d like
to get to know him better. How do you play this?
The best way to flirt in this scenario is to test the waters.
You want to make your flirting subtle.
There are three ways you can test the water to give him an
invitation to flirt back with you:
(1) When you are going out with colleagues, ask him if he
feels like joining you
If he’s come to a meeting with you, chances are you already have an
email or phone number you can use to get in contact.
72  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
You don’t want to suddenly arrange a one-on-one meet up. Instead,
get in touch to let him know about something fun happening with
your work colleagues and simply say:
“You should come!”
Or:
“Feel free to come join us!”
Try after-work drinks for this. You need to get out of the work
environment when it’s possible so you can both loosen up.
This way you’ve given him a low-pressure invitation to come and
get to know you better in an informal setting, but your colleagues
will be around too so it won’t feel like you’re asking him out on a
date.
(2) Text him about something funny that relates to your
conversation
In any work meeting, chances are there will be a mix of business
talk and informal chitchat.
During this informal chitchat, maybe you talk about one of your
pets, or a funny website, or an artist you both like, or a song you’re
both listening to, or even a cereal you ate that morning. These
kinds of things are the perfect excuse to send a follow-up to get a
playful conversation going.
For example - say it was cereal you talked about (weird, but why
not?) - you could later email him a link to a website about a new
Matthew Hussey  73
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
cereal café that opened in London (yes, it does exist!) and jokingly
say:
“I think I’ve found my version of heaven! Next holiday?”
Now you’ve opened the door to have a fun conversation with him
that is separate from your work relationship.
Equally, if you both talked about your pets, you can send him a
picture of your dog and say:
“This is the other woman in my life who we spoke about
earlier…”
See how these are all low-key but playful ways of being in touch?
That’s because your aim here is to gently shift the dynamic away
from work chat into playful banter.
If he’s interested, he now has permission to be more informal and
reciprocate in his own texts and emails.
(3) Throw in some bait
This one takes confidence to pull off, and admittedly isn’t fit for
all scenarios, but if you do it without flinching, it can have a big
payoff.
You simply say to him:
“Shame I didn’t meet you in another setting, you’re cute.”
74  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Or:
“Why is it always the cool ones you meet over business, and not
socially?”
Here you are leaving him some bait, and throwing a little interest
his way. The beauty is that he now knows it’s okay for him to flirt
with you.
Secret About Men
Half of a guy’s anxiety in a work situation is just knowing that it’s
okay for him to be flirtatious. By taking the reins to begin, you let
him know you’re comfortable with it.
This also has the advantage of the forbidden fruit. You are telling
him that you can’t really be together because you met in a work
scenario, which only makes him want to reject that limitation and
court you even more!
We call this technique disqualification.
It’s when you tell a guy that you would never work together (in a
jokey way), which makes him even more intrigued to find all the
reasons you really would work together!
Another example of disqualification would be to say:
“If we weren’t colleagues, we’d be so much trouble for each other.”
Once again, he now hears that being together might not be an
option, which only makes him want it more!
Matthew Hussey  75
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Two More Ways to Flirt With a Colleague
1. Play the Victim (in a cute way!)
Maybe you’re at a work event and you bump into that colleague you
always have sexual tension with. Here you can say:
“You know what I realized, you’re always so mean to me at work.
Tonight you better make it up to me and be nice.”
Say it in an upbeat and silly way - maybe raising an eyebrow as you
say it as though you are pretending to give him a stern warning.
This is a cute way of putting it on him to be flirty with you.
2. Role-play
Roleplaying simply involves any small interaction when you both
make-believe.
One great role-play is to pretend as if you don’t really know each
other. Say to him:
“What’s your name?” “Oh Mike, is it? We don’t really know each
other do we?”
Then further into the interaction you can add:
“It’s good this company hires cute men, it makes it much easier
to work around here.”
76  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Now it seems like less of a big deal that you’re calling him cute,
because you are doing it as part of this fun, imaginary scenario
you’re both playing up to.
Matthew Hussey  77
Chapter 14
How to Text Him the Perfect
Amount to Keep Him Wanting More
How much texting is too much texting?
I know certain male friends who do all the good work of acquiring
a woman’s phone number and within a week they’ve completely
blown it by texting her every day for hours at a time, until they’ve
lost all their mystery and charm.
Texting is a great benefit to flirting, but it also comes with the risk
of overdoing it.
The high-value way to text is to do it as though you always have
better things to be doing in your day. As a default, keep your
messages neat, short, and to the point. A cheeky message about
your day, or telling him about a movie you just saw, or talking
about when you’re next going to meet, is all you really need.
In my first book Get the Guy, I talked about my rule that texting
should only be for entertainment or logistics.
Entertainment is just a tease, making jokes, being fun or talking
about some interesting story that happened to you.
Logistics involves any part of arranging your next meet-up.
78  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Where people go wrong is in endless back and forth about their
day, their office politics, or just trading mundane information
about their family, which is better saved for in-person, or on the
phone.
There is no hard-and-fast rule for how long a text conversation
should be, but do not let texts go on throughout the day. After the
conversation has had some fun moments, feel free to stop at the
right moment and give yourself a little space to miss each other
again. You can always catch up later.
Phone and text conversation should always be seen as a bridge
between in-person meetings. Too many people exhaust every
scrap of conversation about their day-to-day life on the phone and
then when they meet the guy in the flesh they realize they have
little else to talk about.
“What if he likes to text a lot, though?” I hear you ask.
That’s okay, but don’t feel pressured to have to conform if you’re
busy.
Have a couple of text conversations during the week (not every
single day or it looks like you have nothing else going on, plus
you’re not letting the desire build up since you’re always accessible
to each other), then make plans to meet at some point.
If you’re busy, feel free to ignore texts and just shoot him back one
later to say hi. E.g.
“Hey, sorry I missed you earlier, I’ve been helping my sister move
all day. I’m definitely going to need a cocktail when all this is
over!”
Matthew Hussey  79
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
If you want to be more direct, you can send this variation of the
same message:
“Hey, sorry I missed you earlier, I’ve been roped into helping my
sister move all day. Save me!”
Now you’ve left him the chance to get in touch about meeting up if
he wants to go to the cocktail bar, but the beauty is you haven’t had
to ask him to meet up. He has an opening, and can choose whether
or not to take it.
One Important Thing
I know some people feel pressure to get back to every message for
fear that a guy will lose interest. This is a completely unfounded
anxiety.
Guys who like you will not disappear because you were busy when
they called or messaged. Get back to him in 24 hours and he’ll
know you are still interested.
In fact, leaving gaps between your interactions is crucial for
actually building attraction. In the early stages, missing each other
for a couple of days has a powerful effect on making you want to be
close again.
That’s why, after a first date, you might send a message that evening
saying:
“Had a great time tonight! Thanks for showing me that place.”
Then leave it and see when he gets back. You don’t need to be in
any rush.
80  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Maybe he’ll be in touch the next day, but if not, leaving it a couple
of days is only going to make him think about you more.
If he likes you he’ll text within 48 hours or so.
If for some reason he doesn’t message, send one brief message that
references the conversation you had during the date.
For example, maybe you both talked about a city you want to visit
in Thailand and he wanted to see a picture. You can send him a link
or the picture itself and say:
“Found that beautiful city we were talking about the other night.
I’m tempted to book my ticket right now!”
Now he’s got an opening to get back to you, but you’ve left it in his
hands.
Matthew Hussey  81
Chapter 15
How to Charm Him With Your Texts
More of our dating is done digitally now than at any time in history
- whether via text, Facebook, WhatsApp, or some other form of
online messaging service.
With that, I would be remiss to create a communication program
and not go into further detail on the art of texting.
I’ll reiterate from the chapter above: texting is to be used for two
things - Entertainment and Logistics.
Entertainment = Anything that involves flirting, making each
other laugh, sending a cute or cool photo, or anything romantic
that makes your heart soar.
Logistics = Planning when to next see each other.
All the stuff that isn’t one of these two is a waste of time.
That goes for gossiping, idle chitchat, work talk, or trying to have
a deep and meaningful conversation (use the phone or save it for
when you see him in person).
Don’t send him boring texts that ask: “So, how many siblings do
you have?” These kinds of factual conversations are best saved for
82  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
in-person. You might do one or two in a text conversation, but if
you treat it like a regular conversation it just gets boring.
Communication is not just about what we do, it’s about knowing
when to use it.
If I go on stage, I know there is a certain level of passion and
dynamism that I can show that wouldn’t be appropriate at a dinner
party.
If I’m goofing around with my friends, I’m going to make different
kinds of rude jokes compared to those I would make at a business
lunch.
And if I’m texting, I’m going to use this medium for short, snappy,
fun messages, rather than to have some drawn-out version of a
face-to-face conversation.
Four Types of Women He Hates Texting
(and What You Should Say Instead)
One of the best ways to learn to be a great texter is to learn what
not to do.
It’s my experience that women and men make all kinds of mistakes
that they don’t even realize, which are totally turning potential
lovers off to them, either because of their neediness, intensity,
childishness, or because they are just plain dull!
Here are four types of women whose texts make men want to run
away:
1. The Court Jester – This girl just can’t stop joking… And not in
a good way. Everything to her is an excuse to bust out another
knee-slapper. Except she totally overdoes it. It’s exhausting. She
Matthew Hussey  83
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
thinks it’s raising her value. But in fact, the guy stops seeing her
as a sexual possibility. She starts to seem like his goofy buddy.
E.g. Him: It was fun hanging out last night. Hope to do it again
soon! 
Her: Oh yea, it was awesome. Remember when I kicked your ass
at XBOX?
Him: Lol of course! You looked so cute in that shirt btw x
Her: Is this your way of changing the subject because you don’t
want to talk about it? :p
See what’s wrong here?
Not only is it child-like in its jokiness, but it’s also completely
ignorant of his compliment. She’s not running with and
throwing some flirtation back - she just squashed it and kept the
conversation at the same jokey level.
It’s okay to start with the joke, but you don’t want to get stuck in
this mood forever.
Another example is this mood-killer:
Him: Really looking forward to spending some time with you this
weekend x
Her: Yeah, but only ‘cause we’re having pizza, right? x
Him: Maybe yeah, but also a little bit because I get to see you x
Her: Are you being cheesy? I wish you wouldn’t: it’s just making me
think more about pizza x
84  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Please, for the love of God, stop.
I don’t know if this girl thinks she is being cute, or funny, or clever,
or what. But I’ve seen girls text this to men they actually want to
DATE.
By batting away his attempt to open up to you, you are killing his
attraction. You’re putting yourself in the buddy role, which isn’t
how any guy envisions his potential girlfriend.
Every guy loves a girl with a sense of humor. In fact, it’s many guys’
top criteria for a woman. But having a sense of humor does not
mean turning everything into a gag.
You can make a funny joke every few texts, but balance it out with
warmth and affection.
To return to our examples above, let’s look at a better version of
both:
Him: It was fun hanging out last night. Hope to do it again soon! 
little
jokey
Her: I know, it was so nice! Except, I have to admit, I feel kind of
bad for beating you at XBOX.
TO
Him: Lol it’s ok, since you looked so cute in that shirt
try
take
joke to
next
level
Her: Well I had to make it up to you somehow ;)
And for the next example.
Matthew Hussey  85
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Him: Really looking forward to spending some time with you this
weekend.
Her: Me too! But are you more excited about me or the pizza?
Him: I’m a little bit more excited to see you.
Her: Well I feel really lucky, because I know that place does really
good pizza.
Or, if you wanted to spice it up more (and say this to a guy you’re
already seeing), an alternative to this last line would be:
“Oh really? And you haven’t even seen the underwear I was
planning on wearing…”
Pick your response based on how close you are to him already. The
point is to keep the flirtation going instead of throwing away his
compliment.
2. The Tweenie Fangirl – This one has the cutesy, air-headed
nature of a sixteen year old commenting on YouTube, and
peppers every text with a thousand emojis, because apparently
words aren’t enough to express how she feels.
E.g. “OMFG just ate dis amzing bagel in a bakery near yr plce. U
hav to try it smetime! LOL :p  Xox”
Er…what?
It might have been cute for a guy to hear that you were at the bakery
near his place, but now it just sounds like you’re a teenager on a sugar
rush who spends her day writing Twilight fan-fiction on Tumblr.
86  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Bottom Line: Avoid the excessive txt spk.
It’s unnecessary and causes guys to make snap judgments about
your intelligence. In texting, all you have are the words you write on
which to be judged. When he reads messages in what looks like a
sixteen-year-old teenager’s language, he’s going to assume you have
the mind of one.
Which would be fine, if you were sixteen.
Save the lazy, emoji-filled texts for your friends (I’m not against
emojis in general, but use them sparingly).
Any successful guy who reads text speak like this will be fearful
of introducing you to his more respectable friends, lest you whip
out your bright pink iPhone and snap a selfie in the middle of a
restaurant, or squeal to high heaven whenever someone mentions
Taylor Swift.
3. The Over-Analyzer – This girl overthinks everything. She tries
to have an oh-so-clever comeback for everything a guy says.
She is always in her head, and can’t let anything go.
For example:
Him: Still thinking about you in that red dress you tried on today.
I know this sounds weird, but it makes your shoulders look really
sexy… x
Her: What? Are you saying I have big shoulders?
Him: No! I’m saying they’re hot.
Her: Hmmm ok lol
See how this woman just totally rebuffed his cute compliment?
Matthew Hussey  87
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
The over-analyzer can’t help but dissect everything a guy says until
he’s completely drained and exhausted. This is the opposite of
confident communication.
A confident response to his compliment would be a simple
acknowledgement and thank you. For example, you would text
back:
“Thanks! I was thinking something similar about your chest in
that shirt ;) x”.
4. The Blank Wall – The Blank Wall gives you nothing to go on,
just simple, lame responses that give him no material to work
with.
E.g. Him: Just made cupcakes with my auntie today. I am a
domestic goddess! ;)
Her: Nice! I love cupcakes!
Him: Shall I save one for you? Which frosting do you like?
Her: Vanilla!
It’s perfectly nice, but it’s totally boring and uninspired.
After three or four of these texts, a guy will simply assume you’re
either not interested or you have nothing to say and that you’re dull.
He’s doing the heavy lifting and getting bland, dull responses in
return.
Here’s a better approach to that conversation:
88  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
Him: Just made cupcakes with my auntie today. I am a domestic
goddess! ;)
Her: Oh, you never make me cupcakes, I don’t know whether to be
angry or hurt.
Him: Shall I save one for you? Which frosting do you like?
Her: I like Vanilla, but it better come with a smiley face, a heart,
or a sexy kiss. Your choice.
See how you’re investing more in the conversation here, and
making it flirtatious? Texting should always be about building
connection and showing little snippets of your personality, not just
mindlessly sending messages devoid of character or entertainment.
Matthew Hussey  89
Chapter 16
How to Use Fun Texts to Get Him Thinking
About You Non-Stop
When you’ve been seeing a guy for a few weeks you often find your
mind idly drifting to each other throughout your day and just want
to send a cute message to let them know you’re thinking about
them.
The good news is there’s a way to show a guy he’s in your thoughts
that makes him even MORE intrigued and attracted than he was
before.
Here are three adorable texts that will make him smile every time:
1. “I keep thinking about you and it’s annoying me”
This is super-cute because it breaks rapport (in a cute way) and lets
him know you’re thinking about him.
Send this one out-of-the-blue a couple of days after he’s stayed over
your place, or after a date.
It’s a playful way of nudging him, but it’s not needy because you’re
not asking him anything, you’re just telling him. Statements rather
than questions are sexy and show confidence.
90  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
2. “You’re adorable and everything, but nothing could compare
to this” [Attach picture message of an adorable kitten/nephew/
unicorn]
This pays him a little backhanded compliment.
You praise his looks, but also divert his attention away by sending a
cute picture as well. Now the ball is in his court to send something
equally adorable back, or to try to plead with you that he definitely
is cuter than a kitten!
Now you’ve set up the opportunity for teasing and flirtation instead
of sending a pedestrian message like, “Hey, how’s it going?”
3. “I had a dream about you last night…”
Does this sound too sexual? Don’t worry, I’m not asking you to tell
a guy you’ve been having dirty fantasies about him.
In fact, the whole charm of this line is in keeping the precise details
of what you dreamed about a mystery.
He will invariably ask to know. You’ll reply: “Can’t say, but I’ve
never seen that side of you before ;)”
This is teasing like a pro, and you can do it with one simple line.
Matthew Hussey  91
Chapter 17
How to Get Him to Stop Texting
and Just Call You Instead
He keeps using his thumbs, when all you really want him to do is
open his mouth.
After the first date or two, it’s very easy to get stuck in the “texting
trap” with a guy.
You endlessly ping messages back and forth, but he never picks up
the phone to have a real conversation. You just both keep flirting
and chatting over text, never really moving up a level to talking on
the phone.
How do you get him to stop stalling and start dialing?
There are three major tips for making him pick up the phone:
Tip No. 1 – Give him positive validation for picking
up the phone
Positive reinforcement works wonders in so many areas of
communication with guys. Here the rule is no different: Make him
feel how amazing/exciting/sexy it would be to you if he phoned.
92  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
For example, say to him:
“Hey stranger, I miss your lovely voice”
Or:
“I haven’t heard your sexy voice in forever”
It gets him to realize that the best way to make you happy is to
speak to you. And if he can’t see you in person right now, he’s going
to want to call you instead!
Tip No. 2 – Call him out
I want to let you in on a secret about men. It’s hard for me to admit
this, but here it goes…
Secret About Men
Every man, in the back of his mind, is hoping you’ll tell him what
to do.
Does that sound ridiculous? Does it sound contradictory to
everything you’ve heard about men? Aren’t guys supposed to be
freedom-loving and hate being directed by women?
Let me explain.
When I say guys want to be told what to do, I’m not talking about
nagging or hassling him about how to live his life.
Matthew Hussey  93
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Guys don’t want to be nagged, but they want to be told what is
expected of them.
If you want a guy to call you, you must show him that you expect it
of him. You have to shine a light on the fact that this is the standard
you hold for the man you want to date.
I’ve noticed that women often evade directly telling men what
they expect because they’ve been conditioned to believe that being
upfront about their expectations puts them in the category of the
“high-maintenance woman” who is demanding, or the “needy girl”
who hangs on his shoulder and cares too much.
But you only acquire these labels if you approach it in the wrong
way.
Key Idea
Communicating your expectations - as long as they are
reasonable - is not needy nor high-maintenance behavior. It
simply expresses what matters to you. This is something you
never need apologize or feel badly for.
So how do you communicate your standard in the best way?
Here’s one way you can call him out (in a cute but cool way):
“I’ve noticed something about you…”
Then when he says “What?”, you respond:
“You loooooove texting”
94  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
This is a good way of pointing out the fact that all of your
interactions have been via text (and sometimes a guy won’t even
have realized this himself), and it gives him a gentle nudge to start
taking things further and calling you.
Him: “What do you mean?”
You: “Just that. I think I’ve forgotten the sound of your voice, lol”
He may play dumb, but he’s got the message.
Tip No. 3 – Use an embedded command
Like I said before, guys secretly want to be told (just a little bit)
what to do.
One way to do this is to use what we call an embedded command.
Quite simply, this involves placing a direct order at the end of a text
message.
For example, to return to our earlier message, you could say:
“Hey stranger, I miss your voice, call me!”
Notice that this is the same example from Tip No. 1 above, except
all we have done is added the words “call me”.
You can also do this by shooting this reply when he texts you:
“Hey I’m at a gym class at the moment. But I’m around tonight, give
me a call.”
Matthew Hussey  95
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Or you can say:
“Just out with friends for dinner. Will be back at about 8. Gimme
a call later if you’re around then.”
And one more:
“Hey, I was thinking about you today. I’m busy for the next
couple of hours but I’m around this evening, give me a call!”
Notice again, you’ve already planted the idea of him calling you.
You’ve set the terms and embedded your expectations.
After the moment when a guy gets your number for the first
time, the truth is, a guy often feels a lot of awkwardness about just
picking up the phone and calling straight away. He worries that you
might think he’s weird or too forward – it’s a high-pressure moment
for him as well.
Remember: Your encouragement helps him break the seal of
awkwardness that plagues that first phone call.
Most guys stick to texting by default because it feels safe. If you just
let him know that you are happy to be called on the phone, a guy
will follow suit. You don’t have to be needy and actually ask: “Can
you call me?” You just casually put it in at the end of the sentence,
as in the example above.
You perfectly hit the sweet spot of being sweet and feminine, whilst
also issuing a command that gets the result you want. You show the
two unique pairings of Femininity and Dominance.
96  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
You don’t have to choose between being one or the other. You really
do get to have your cake and eat it (and it makes the guy fall for you
even more when he sees both these qualities at play!).
Tip No. 4 – Attach pleasure to calling, and pain to texting
As well as the previously mentioned tip of getting him to want to
call you by associating pleasure with hearing his voice, you can also
make him feel worse for texting.
I remember how a diabolical genius of a woman did this to me once
(though whether she did it intentionally or not I’ll never know).
It began when I called her once and she answered right away with,
“Hey, I’ve missed hearing your sexy accent.”
Immediately with this one phrase she had accomplished two
masterstrokes: She shone a light on the fact that I hadn’t called
her much or spoken to her lately, AND she made me feel great for
having phoned her by sweetly saying she missed hearing my accent.
I then replied: “I’ve missed yours too, we haven’t spoken in a while.”
To which she then responded:
“I know, we’re like pen-pals who just write to one another.”
This was the nail in the coffin. The phrase that absolutely killed me.
It sounded terrible – I was her pen-pal! Only pre-school children
have pen-pals! I felt like a silly kid for just texting and never calling
– with one stroke she had made me associate massive pain with
texting her, and she made calling on the phone seem adult and
sophisticated (see what I mean by diabolical genius now?).
Matthew Hussey  97
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
When you make him realize, he’ll get much more enjoyment by just
speaking to you (and as long as you let him know it’s okay to call), a
guy won’t stay on the texts for too long.
By the way, if I was ever slipping in my calling her instead of
texting, all she needed to do was write: “How’s my favorite
pen-pal?” and I would instantly resolve to call her at the first
opportunity.
How to get him to call you for a date instead of asking by text
There are two quick techniques we can bring into play here:
1. Pre-frame how sexy it is when a man calls you for a date
Ahh, our good old friend the ‘pre-frame’. I hope you’re beginning to
see how useful this technique is for so many different things.
The first time you are on a date with him, pre-frame the idea that a
guy calling you for a date is hot:
“It’s such a rare and sexy thing when a guy actually calls to arrange
a date instead of texts. It’s so funny because barely anyone does
it and it immediately makes a guy stand out and seem like more
of a man. I don’t get why guys don’t realize how powerful that is.
Women will immediately find them so much more attractive.”
The next time he wants to arrange a date with you, this little
thought of yours is going to come charging back into his mind.
2. When he does text you for a date, say this…
Let’s say he reaches out to you to arrange a date. You text back:
98  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
“I’m a little old fashioned so if you want a date with me you are
going to have to call me ; ) x”
This is bold, but that’s why it works. You’re a woman who knows
what she wants, and isn’t afraid to say it. What guy could resist that?
The added bonus is that when someone arranges a date with you
over the phone they are much less likely to flake. An arrangement
made by text is far easier to renege on because of the more
detached nature of it in the first place. Text arrangements can be
broken without too much feeling, but calling makes the connection
real and therefore more concrete.
Matthew Hussey  99
Chapter 18
How to Get Him to Stop Just Texting
You and Actually Ask You on a Date
When a guy is single, he tends to unconsciously put the women he
knows into categories.
Sometimes, for whatever reason, a particular girl will fall into his
category of ‘girls he enjoys texting and flirting with, but whom he
hasn’t asked on a date’. He falls into a pattern of texting her and
enjoying her attention, but doesn’t pull the trigger and ask her out.
It can be hard to tell sometimes if it’s because he doesn’t like her
that much because he’s simply dating too many girls to manage
them all, or he’s just genuinely busy from work.
But one thing is for sure. You are sick of being his little bit of
validation each time he has a quiet night and feels the pang of
loneliness.
Assuming you want him to actually man-up and ask you out, there
are texts you can send that help move him in the direction of a
date. These follow some of the same psychological principles of the
previous chapter on converting texting into phone calls.
Here are some messages you can send:
100  Matthew Hussey
Part 1  How to Talk to Men... To Create Uncontrollable Attraction
•• “We better stop talking for a while or we’re going to be those
annoying text only people”
•• “Are we not destined to have one of those weird texting-only
relationships?”
These two get him to associate negatively with the idea of being
someone who texts and never meets up. ‘Text-only’ people is used
as something that makes this type of relationship seem ugly.
•• My thumbs are tired of flirting - we’re gonna have to do it in
person soon or they may give up on me.
•• My thumbs are tired of flirting - when do I get to bat my
eyelashes at you?
The beauty of these two messages is they send him a clear message
that this whole texting thing has a limited lifespan for you.
The first is a little more direct and bold, suggesting he either get his
act together and see you or you will simply give up on him.
The second one is a bit more playful and feminine, allowing
you to create a sweetness in the idea of seeing him in addition to
expressing your texting fatigue.
The benefit of these messages is simple. They shine a light on
the fact that all the two of you do is text, and they provoke him
to take charge and decide to meet you in person. The purpose of
these texts is to make him feel a little silly for just texting you all
the time. You are making it clear that, while it might be fun, sitting
on the couch sending messages to him while you watch TV isn’t
something you want to do forever.
Matthew Hussey  101
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
One final message you can send to create this effect:
•• “It’s been so long since I’ve seen your face. I seem to
remember you being handsome, but my memory is fading”
The message couldn’t be clearer… ‘I’m forgetting you!’
These texts are great for a guy that you have seen before but are
now only texting, or a guy that has been sporadically showing
interest by text for too long without anything materializing.
It’s also worth having a couple of texts up your sleeve for a guy you
just met and have been texting for a few days. If you feel it getting
to the point where you’d like to meet up, but he doesn’t seem to be
progressing, here are a couple of texts you can send that are a little
more positive:
•• Are you this sexy of a conversationalist in person?
•• Are you as charming in person as in text?
These all subtly suggest that if he makes an effort to see you, it’s
only going to get more fun.
Remember, through these messages you are inducing the guy
to reach a higher standard. If he thinks he can get away with just
texting and never acting on it, that’s exactly what he’ll do. But if
he gets the right motivation, and knows you also won’t be around
forever, he’ll be far more likely to take action (and respect you for
not being afraid to elegantly address the elephant in the room).
102  Matthew Hussey
Pa rt 2
How to Talk to Men…
To Build a Deep Connection
Chapter 19
How to Make Yourself the Woman
He Wants to Do Everything With
One evening, I was scrolling through the Twitter feed of a political
pundit known for his fierce debates on issues of freedom of speech.
I was in New York at the time, and one of his tweets mentioned he
was going to be in the city in one week for a one-and-a-half-hour
debate on the subject. Being a big fan of both debates and issues
concerning freedom of speech, I rushed to the ticketing website.
It’s become a bit of a habit for me to buy two tickets to an event that
I want to go to and then figure out who the other person will be
nearer the time. Only this was one week away.
I immediately shot off a text to a woman that I wanted to go with,
despite having no idea if this would interest her or tranquilize her.
Here was how the exchange went:
Me: “On May 7th there’s a debate I’m going to in the evening”
Me: “I bought an extra ticket in case you wanted to join”
Me: “No pressure though, it may not be your thing”
Matthew Hussey  105
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I was hedging of course. I didn’t want to make her feel obliged
to come to something that would bore her. I also didn’t want to
be at an event that I was excited about feeling as though I were
responsible for someone else’s bad time.
To my delight, this was her response:
Her: “Love debates. I’m in”
Something about these four words had a magical effect. There
wasn’t hesitation. It didn’t resemble the flakiness endemic of the
generation of ‘I’ll let you know later’ types. It was direct, to the
point. It said, “I’m game”, and I loved it.
It’s interesting that nowadays responses like this stand out so much.
It just shows how rare certainty and decisiveness are as traits.
What’s more, because she was so clear about wanting to come, my
nerves about not being able to have a good time because I was
worried about her left me. I was free to enjoy myself.
Even if she didn’t love debates, she wouldn’t need to pretend she did
to create the same effect. She could say:
“Haven’t been to anything like that, but I’m always up for
something new. I’m in.”
“Sounds interesting! I’m in.”
“Love that idea. I’m in.”
“I’m in. Let’s grab a drink somewhere after” (this has the added
certainty of you being confident enough to suggest something
else in the same evening).
106  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
When a man feels you are ‘game’ in life, he feels there’s nothing he
won’t be able to enjoy with you. Not only that, he won’t feel judged,
so you’re likely to find him bringing you into his private world of
interests and passions that he would never normally open the door
of to other women.
What if you want to politely decline but still get asked out again?
Use this message:
“I can’t that night : (, but I want to see you. Let me know when
you’re free so we can do something.”
This message follows our recurring text messaging principle of not
asking questions where it is not necessary to do so, but it shows
you are interested in a very confident way. “I want to see you” is a
powerful statement. Telling him to “let you know” when he is free
is a bold way of inviting HIM to ask you on another date, without
doing the chasing yourself.
Matthew Hussey  107
Chapter 20
How to Have Great Conversations
That He Doesn’t Want to End
Great conversation is not a tennis game.
You don’t want to endlessly hit balls back and forth, dispassionately
feeding each other question after question until you run out and
have nothing left to give.
Think of good conversation more like basketball. Your teammate
passes you the ball, and you control it. You run it down the court,
do a trick or two, and only when you’re good and ready do you
guide the ball back to your teammate’s hands.
People always worry about the first lines of conversation,
wondering how they will summon up anything to say to a guy they
barely know. But this is easy if you master a few fundamentals of
the game.
1. Answering the question: “How are you?”
•• “What’s up?”
•• “How’s it going?”
•• “What’s been going on?”
108  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
It’s the first thing you hear from a guy you don’t know very well.
People ask, “How are you?” to get things started. It’s a way of
buying time before they think of anything to say.
You throw it out there, and desperately hope that one of you will
bring up a topic more interesting than what kind of pasta you had
for lunch that day.
It’s an annoying, frustrating, seemingly vacuous question, but it’s
also one we all have to search for an answer to every day of our
lives, so we need a way to deal with it.
What do most of us do when someone asks this question?
We immediately want to throw the ball back. We unthinkingly
respond: “Err…I’m good thanks, how are you?”
We don’t really think about whether our life is actually good or not,
we just act on instinct like a frightened lion.
But the problem with that stock response is it sacrifices a chance to
give value to the conversation.
All you’ve done is put the pressure back on someone else, instead
of using the opportunity to steer the conversation somewhere more
interesting. To return to our basketball analogy, it’s as though your
teammate passed you the ball and you stood there and immediately
threw it back to them, without moving either of you down the
court a single inch (not exactly a maneuver that’s going to win any
MVP awards).
So let’s look at a couple of conversational tricks you can use when
that ball comes sailing in your direction.
Matthew Hussey  109
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
1. Answer the question you wish you had been asked
You probably have some great topics in your head – passions that
excite you, interesting stories, ideas about what you want to do this
year – but when you’re with a guy you suddenly feel stuck on the
most mundane aspects of your life.
Don’t let this happen!
You have to be bold here. You need no excuses. Just start talking
about whatever is exciting you right now.
So if he says, “How are you?”
You might respond:
“I’m great! I was talking to my friend earlier about this film
festival we went to the other day. We saw all the classics: Citizen
Kane, Gone With The Wind, Vertigo. Now I want to see all those
old films on a cinema screen! Have you been to a film festival
before?”
Why does this work so well?
Because now you’ve given him a ton of conversational threads to
pick up.
He could talk about his love for Citizen Kane. He could talk about
other classic movies he’s seen. He could share a story of a film he
recently saw in the cinema.
With one answer, you’ve gotten to something you’re passionate
about simply by giving an interesting response to the “how are
you?” question that is the bane of most people’s existence.
110  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
THE POLITICIAN TRICK
This follows a technique that politicians use all the time: you
answer the question you wish you had been asked.
When he asks you how you are, you can also answer with
something playful and exaggerated. Something like:
“I’m amazing. I just had the best latte in LA, so I’m really happy.”
This shows you can be passionate about ordinary things, which
is a great quality to show early on. It’s also the kind of extreme
statement that gives him something to latch onto immediately, e.g.
“Best latte in LA? Where is that then?!”
2. Observe what’s around you
If you’re at his place and see a book on his coffee table that you’ve
read, talk about it. Ask him about his reading habits in general.
If you see photos on his wall of a holiday, talk about your favorite
trips. If it’s his family, ask him about them.
My friend John is a pro at this kind of observation. I remember
when he walked into an office of a guy he had never met before,
noticed a movie poster and said:
“I remember seeing this movie for the first time on a date ten
years ago. I still think about that final scene at least once a month
to this day. How crazy is that?”
You can also notice pictures of a trip someone went on, and ask
them about it: e.g.
Matthew Hussey  111
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I went to Morocco years ago too. Did you feel like you were going
to crash in every taxi ride like I did? They drive crazy there!”
Or maybe you see a sports trophy, and say:
“I’m so jealous you have a trophy for an achievement like that.
I’ve always wanted to have one but never played a sport seriously
enough to win any”.
See how much conversation you can come up with when you pay
attention to the things around you?
3. Get his opinion
Respond to his “How are you?” by seeking his opinion on a
particular subject.
E.g. He says: “How are you?”
You reply:
“I’m good. I was just thinking today, isn’t it weird when you just
hate something everyone else seems to love? I just finished reading
50 Shades Of Grey after my friend wouldn’t stop pushing it on me
and I just couldn’t get into it at all. Do you have something you
can’t stand that everyone thinks you’re crazy for hating?”
Now you have an easy transition to asking his opinion on
something more interesting.
Opinion questions are great because they bypass small talk and get
you to know someone’s personality five times faster than you would
with endless small talk.
112  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 21
How to Get Him to Open Up
Every relationship begins with a conversation.
Every friendship is defined by a long string of experiences and
conversations about those experiences.
Even every bout of meaningless, passionate sex is punctuated by the
odd dialogue about who you both are and what you are doing in
the universe.
Conversation never stops being important.
Like dull writing, dull conversation is stale, unemotional, cliché,
routine, passive, and can trap you in a nightmare spawned from
hell if you have no choice but to endure it.
Here’s an imaginary but familiar conversation between a couple at
dinner:
How was work?
Fine.
How’s Bill?
Yeah, Bill’s good.
Did you call the electrician today by the way?
Yeah.
Matthew Hussey  113
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Also, we really need to get that new furniture sorted this weekend.
Let’s go to the store on Saturday.
Okay. Have you decided on which sofa set you wanted yet?
No.
The questions are pedestrian. The answers are flat.
There is a difference between conversation and connection.
I think conversations can change and even save our lives. The best
conversation is about encouraging someone else to dig out their
soul and offer it up for examination. Here are some easy ways to
encourage them:
1) Ask questions that give him permission to open up emotionally
People are begging to express themselves to somebody.
The film director Kevin Smith once said people have three needs:
Food, Sex, and the Need To Be Heard.
But people will be scared to open up for many reasons. They’re shy.
They’re frightened of your response. Which is why you need to give
them permission to emotionally express themselves.
The easy way to do this? Ask emotional questions, not logical ones.
Logical questions look like this:
“Where did you grow up?”
“How many brothers and sisters do you have?”
“How old are you?”
“What do you do?”
114  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
“What part of town do you work in?”
“How long have you been living here?”
Emotional questions look like this:
“What was the best lesson you learnt by finishing your first book?”
“When you do [insert his passion here], what part about it do you
love the most?”
“Is family important to you?”
“What makes you love New York more than other cities?”
“Why did you decide to move to Australia for a year? Did it do for
you what you thought it would?”
These questions all prompt reflection on emotion, not logic.
Feeling, not facts.
An excellent Huffington post article talks about a couple who
recently incorporated these kind of specific reflective questions
into their relationship. The author, Glennon Melton, explains:
“Questions are like gifts — it’s the thought behind them that the
receiver really FEELS.”
I couldn’t agree more.
2) Use the ‘Sigmund Freud Method’
When a guy is opening up to you, be almost clinical in the way you
respond.
Do not judge him. Do not criticize or noticeably gasp when he tells
you something embarrassing or crazy or bad that he did. Make him
Matthew Hussey  115
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
feel like it is perfectly normal, then show him more curiosity. In
other words, just give him room to speak without feeling judged!
The moment you wince, balk, gasp, or raise a skeptical eyebrow
while he’s talking, he’ll close up and decide to stop because he feels
your reaction to what he’s telling you.
Therapists of all kinds have the skill of being able to let someone
speak and ask questions to prompt them to dig deeper. Be generous
and probe for him to give more. What was that like? What else
happened? Are there other things you are worried/excited about at
the moment? Had you always wanted to do that?
People tend to reveal themselves when they feel like they (a) have
plenty of room to speak, (b) won’t be judged for their actions, and
(c) feel like you are curious to hear their answers.
Do this and a guy will instantly feel at ease in bringing any
conversation to you.
3) Let him talk about his expertise
People want to share their wisdom. If you want a guy to open up,
ask for his advice about what he does.
If he’s crazy about sports, ask him:
“What’s your best advice for someone to keep fit? Do you have a
special diet?”
If he is passionate about his business, say:
“What’s the thing no-one appreciates about running a business?”
116  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
Or:
“Do you think anyone can be an entrepreneur?”
If he adores books, say:
“Which authors do you wish people read more of?”
These questions are interesting because they tell you about a
person’s inner beliefs and perspective on life, which then let’s you
share your own views if you agree or disagree.
4) Reveal your own vulnerabilities
Show that you’re human by revealing vulnerabilities and foibles.
Nothing that says, “I’m a mess”, but enough to say, “I have flaws,
and I’m cool with that”. As long as you say them with a sense of
humor to show that you don’t take it too seriously, men will love
you for it.
If you try to be too squeaky clean and perfect, men will feel
alienated by you and won’t want to open up for fear of looking weak
in front of you.
One great way to display vulnerability is to show something you’re
afraid or nervous of, as well as how you are moving through your
fear and pushing forward regardless. For example, “I’ve been asked
to speak at my sister’s wedding and I’m so nervous about it. Giving
a speech in front of my entire family and friends is nerve-wracking.
I’ve started doing public speaking classes to get myself prepared. I
know I’ll be ready on the day, and I’ve just about learnt the speech,
but it’s kind of scary right now!”
Matthew Hussey  117
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
See here how you can express a lack of confidence but still come
across as positive and in charge of the situation?
You are showing a fear, but you’ve also shown that (a) you’re doing
something about it, and (b) you are not going to crumble in the
face of this obstacle.
What’s truly attractive is a woman who is aware of her character
flaws and challenges, but knows how incredible she is anyway. She
doesn’t care about her little vulnerabilities because she secretly
knows how awesome she is overall. You must always trust that
your good points outweigh the vulnerabilities you are prepared to
voice.
5) Get him talking about his dreams
Engage him by talking about his dreams and the big picture. Ask
him the BIG QUESTIONS, such as:
“What would you most like to have achieved when you look back
on your life?”
If he’s an artistic type, ask him:
“Would you rather be a great writer, a great musician, or a great
painter?”
If he’s ambitious for money and lifestyle, say:
“If you could have mansions in two countries, where would you
want them?”
118  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
The future is great because it’s easy for people to get excited about
their upcoming plans. You’ll learn a lot about someone’s inner
ideals when you ask them about their dreams and goals.
Take on these principles and you’ll have a guy talking to you for
hours because he feels he can truly reveal himself around you.
Matthew Hussey  119
Chapter 22
How to Make a Man Fall in Love With
Impressing You
Men need to impress you.
It’s not because men are narcissists who need constant praise from
all those around them. But they do need to feel like they possess
something special to the woman they decide to be around.
The woman a man chooses to be with holds an insane amount of
power to lift him up to his very best, or send him crashing down in
a spiral of negativity and broken self-esteem.
One of the best things you can do on a date to show a man you’re
interested is to be impressed with him.
“But maybe I don’t find him that impressive!” you respond.
Okay, don’t date him then. If he doesn’t impress you, he’s not the
guy for you. Simple.
Choose guys who have characteristics you admire and cherish. And
show him why these are impressive to you.
120  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
This doesn’t mean you have to pander to narcissists. Some entitled,
self-important guys think they are God’s Gift To Women, believing
that wealth or achievement somehow entitles them to endless
female approbation.
You can spot these guys early on. If he never seems curious about
you, or wants to make minimal effort on every date, or has no
interest in your passions and dreams, or if he endlessly brags about
everything he has accomplished, then you can quickly shake off this
guy and move on to someone with a healthy sense of proportion.
But, the point is, on the first few dates, you really don’t know much
about this guy.
Let me show you a quick example of what not to do here.
Below is an example of what I call “story-trumping”.
It’s when one person tries to tell you a story that he’s passionate
about, only to have his partner immediately override him with their
own ‘superior’ anecdote.
For example:
Him: “I went to the Far East this year. Shanghai was one of the
coolest cities I’ve ever seen in my life.”
Her: “Oh, I lived in China for five years, I know it really well.
Have you been to Vietnam? You should definitely go there if you
haven’t.”
You might think this is just your honest response, but look at the
way it dismisses his cool experience and brushes it off without
interest or follow-up.
Matthew Hussey  121
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
He’s clearly telling the story because he wants to impress you about
his traveling experience, so the most attractive thing you can do is
ask him more, e.g. “That sounds so fun. What was it like?” You can
always tell him about your experiences afterwards, but let him open
up before you share in return. This is your chance to wow him by
being impressed by him.
Try this instead:
Him: “I went to the Far East this year. Shanghai was one of the
coolest cities I’ve ever seen.”
Her: “Oh wow, China is incredible. That’s so fun that you went
there! Was it a culture shock?”
Him: “It was pretty different! The food was so cheap though.
You can get a huge plate of beef and noodles for less than two
dollars!”
Her: “That sounds like heaven. I’ve heard the street food in
Vietnam is the best in the world. I’ve always wanted to go there
too! What was the best part of the city for you?”
This conversation generates ten times the rapport of the previous
one. You are sharing his enthusiasm, and amplifying it further.
Praise the Trait, Not the Achievement
Some guys will brag about a sporting achievement, telling you of a
marathon they ran last summer and saying how proud they were
of beating a personal best. Or maybe they’ll tell you they played
serious college basketball. Maybe they’ll mention how well their
software business has done since they decided to take the risk and
go it alone.
122  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
In these cases, praise the trait and not the achievement.
For example, if a guy says how successful his business is, and that
he now has a holiday home in Florida, rather than saying:
“Wow, you must be doing really well to have all that.”
Say instead:
The Hero Technique
“I think it’s so great you’ve had the drive to create something of
your own and the dedication it takes to achieve that. It’s really
impressive.”
Complimenting the character traits that make him successful
is more classy and subtle than being impressed with what he has
acquired, e.g. houses, cars, etc.
See how in the latter example you’re praising who he is. This makes
you more memorable in his eyes and makes him feel better when
he’s around you.
If a guy has a sporting achievement, you can equally say, “Wow,
that’s so impressive. You must be so dedicated. I really admire the
focus of people who train every day. It must have taken so much
mental strength to do. Well done!”
A guy treasures a compliment like this, because he feels like you are
seeing him the way he wants to be seen. It’s like someone who truly
understands a part of him.
I always feel this when people compliment me on my own business.
If people tell me they admire the business itself or the success of
it, I feel flattered. But if they admire the traits that I feel went into
Matthew Hussey  123
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
creating it, I feel connected to that person in a much more powerful
way.
If you show a guy you admire the traits that made him the man he
is, that’s when you’ll start to become the woman he can’t replace.
124  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 23
How to Be the Woman Who Endlessly
Fascinates Him
What does it take to be interesting in a long-term relationship?
We’ve all read those repetitive magazine articles that harp on about
the need to spice things up sexually in the bedroom after twenty
years of marriage.
But what about spicing up our conversation?
However you look at it, any relationship involves spending hours
and hours in our partner’s company, chatting and exchanging
knowledge, sharing our opinions and our worldview, our thoughts
on life, the universe, and everything else.
I recently came to the conclusion that over the long-term,
developing our thoughts, ideas and opinions is perhaps the only
thing that keeps a relationship feeling fresh and interesting.
There are two ways to do this: reading books and learning new
skills, hobbies and interests.
If you read a lot, or are a big learner anyway, that probably sounds
elementary. Of course you want someone who is knowledgeable
and understands the world around them!
Matthew Hussey  125
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Am I saying that everyone has to be an intellectual? No.
But learning and having passionate interests is the very cornerstone
of good conversation.
I know plenty of friends who have never been to university, but
who are fiercely dedicated to their own learning, more so than most
college graduates I know.
They spend time each year picking new skills to learn, be it in
programming, marketing, cooking, marathon-training, massage,
CrossFit, coffee-making, managing a business, investing, painting,
writing, or any pursuit which strains their cognitive abilities and
requires them to immerse themselves in a field that widens their
knowledge-base.
The most interesting, fascinating people I’ve ever been in
relationships with are committed to a relentless pursuit of
knowledge and experiences.
A commitment to life-long learning benefits your relationships in
countless ways:
•• You become less predictable
You always have something new to teach your partner,
which makes things always feel fresh in a relationship.
Unpredictability is key to variety, and a sense of variety is
what gives relationships fuel in the long run. People are
very quick to talk about dedication to the physical side of
things through diet and exercise (which I wholeheartedly
believe in too), but in my opinion, they never talk enough
about the importance of nurturing the cerebral side of the
relationship.
126  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
•• You are always growing
A couple that learns together, grows together.
The best relationships I’ve ever had are when I feel like
my partner and I are evolving constantly as we progress
through the relationship.
When something stops growing, it’s usually the sign
that it’s on its way to dying. Learn and grow, and all your
relationships will flourish for it.
•• You become wiser
People who read and learn become wiser about life.
Why? Because they expose themselves to opinions, lessons
and complexities that they previously didn’t understand.
Even when you undertake a new skill and struggle or fail
at it, you are ten times richer than the person who stayed
on the couch and followed the same stale routine they
always do.
•• You become more humble
It was said that the Greek philosopher Socrates became the
wisest man in Athens, not because he knew everything, but
because he was profoundly aware of the fact that he knew
nothing.
The more you learn, the more you realize how much there
is to learn, and this makes you a more humble person.
People who refuse to read and learn tend to exhibit a
kind of arrogance – as though they already have a perfect
Matthew Hussey  127
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
amount of knowledge to navigate the world and don’t need
anything more.
•• You have opinions on diverse topics of conversation
It’s so sexy to a guy if the woman he loves has opinions
on things that he brings up instead of having no interest
because it’s something she just ignores.
You don’t need to be an expert, just know enough to have
a point of view. Or less so, just know enough to ask more
insightful questions that allow you to learn about his
interests.
•• You can connect with different kinds of guys
The amount of connections you can make with someone
through reading and learning alone should convince you to
do more of both.
If you speak to a musician, you can tell them about your
learning experience with the piano. Or that great biography
you read on The Beatles. Or that article you read about how
Mozart wrote his symphonies.
The more broad and diverse your interests, the more you’ll
be able to contribute in just about any conversation.
This is why I’m such an advocate of at the very least being a
regular reader of books.
For those who may say that they prefer to learn from
experience, guess what? Reading is learning from experience.
When you learn from books, you learn from thousands of
experiences of people smarter, wiser, and more eloquent
128  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
than most of us are, who can teach us about problems that
have plagued humans since they first crawled out of the
oceans.
I’m not saying reading makes you a better person. That
depends on the person reading the book. But plenty of
studies show it makes people more understanding and
empathetic towards others.
You should think of reading and learning as something that will
improve your thoughts, teach you about your own mind, and make
you a more well-rounded and empathetic communicator.
If that doesn’t stimulate you to stretch your knowledge base, I don’t
know what will!
What Should You Read?
I’m not going to go as far as produce a definitive reading list to
inspire greater conversation.
Generally, the only rule with reading is to read what is most
interesting to you. Nothing more.
All I’m going to do here is share a bunch of books that inspire me
and which have stimulated a whole host of great conversations.
These aren’t my favorite books of all time (though a few are), but
they all have merit and insight, or are just plain fun.
Use the list if you want. Pick from it. Or ditch them all and do your
own thing. Books are your treasure to explore!
•• The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How We Lie to
Everyone (Especially Ourselves) - Dan Ariely
Matthew Hussey  129
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
••
Sum: 40 Tales From The Afterlife - David Eagleman
Outliers: The Story Of Success - Malcolm Gladwell
On The Shortness Of Life - Lucius Seneca
Mastery - Robert Greene
A Short History Of Nearly Everything - Bill Bryson
The Psychopath Test - Jon Ronson
Yes Man - Danny Wallace
Thinking, Fast And Slow - Daniel Kahneman
The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
Creativity Inc., - Ed Catmull (founder of Pixar)
So Good They Can’t Ignore You - Cal Newport
Daring Greatly - Brené Brown
Daily Rituals - Mason Currey
The Examined Life - Stephen Grosz
Wolf Hall - Hilary Mantel
Slaughter House 5 - Kurt Vonnegut
The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat - Oliver Sacks
Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind - Yuval Noah Harari
Being Mortal: Illness, Medicine and What Matters in the End
- Atul Gawande
How To Bring Up Your Reading In Conversation
No-one wants to be a bore about their learning, using every
conversation to crowbar in how many books they’ve read on a
particular subject.
Just bring it up when it is relevant. If you’re talking about genetics,
you can just say:
“I was reading this really interesting book the other day that
talked about…”
130  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
Or maybe you’re talking with a guy about psychology. You can
bring in your reading by saying,
“There’s this theory I read…”
Or say:
“Have you had a chance to read [insert book title] yet? He talks
about exactly the idea you’re talking about…”
You don’t just have to parrot what you read either. Tell people
whether you agreed or disagreed, what you liked and didn’t like.
The point at which you not only learn, but have opinions and
analyze the things you learn is when you truly become interesting.
Matthew Hussey  131
Chapter 24
How to Make Him Feel Like a Man
in 5 Simple Phrases
Secret About Men
Masculine men can’t help but feel uncontrollable desire for
women who exude femininity; women who make him feel like
more of a man.
It doesn’t mean you have to act like a teeny-tiny kitten who
pretends she has to be taken care of.
This is just about using language that makes him feel like more of a
man around you, which in turn increases your feminine appeal.
Here are three ways you can do it:
1. “You’re such a guy”
Whenever he says something overtly masculine or macho, or he
asks for the strongest whiskey at the bar, say this line in a cute way
(you can even mock roll your eyes as you say it to show the playful
tone).
132  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
When you say this, he’ll think, “Yeah, I am a guy, aren’t I?” with a
sense of pride. Remember: he wants to be associated with being a
man in your eyes.
This is why men are so repelled by women who emasculate them
or who try to make them feel like a boy. It’s about how he is seen by
the female race.
It’s a small and subtle line. It’s delivered in a very low-key way, but
it serves as an imperative reminder: you are a woman, he is a man.
That’s the beginning of sexual chemistry.
2. “I feel really safe around you”
This line is better to say when you know the guy better. Maybe a
guy you’ve been dating for a month or so.
It plays to his masculinity. He feels like someone who is stronger
around you. If you validate him for making you feel safe, he’s going
to want to take more opportunities to do this for you.
3. “You’re so great, I feel bad for all the other women here who
only get to look at you”
Again, this one is for a guy who has already earned your
admiration, rather than a new man you’ve just begun dating.
You’ll make him feel like the most special guy in the room when
you say this; his chest will puff out a little bigger, he’ll walk a little
taller, he’ll hug you a little tighter.
Matthew Hussey  133
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Some women will read these lines and their instinct will be to roll
their eyes at the blatant ego-stroking of these phrases.
Those are often the same women who say they don’t like to build
a man’s confidence too much because he’ll get cocky and look
elsewhere. This is a losing philosophy. The idea that the best way to
keep a guy’s interest is to never make him feel special and to keep
him lukewarm is ridiculous.
Confident guys want to feel special around you. The more you do
it, the more he feels crazy about you because only you give him that
unique one-of-a-kind feeling.
If this all feels fake because you don’t feel that level of admiration
for him as a man, I’ll repeat something I mentioned in an earlier
chapter: start dating men you actually admire.
4. Pretend he’s rescuing you
If he gets a spider out of the house, say:
“Thank you for rescuing me”
And give him a hug.
If he helps you lift up the bed to find something you dropped under
it, you can say:
“You’re always there to save me”.
Is it silly and a little clichéd? Yes. Does it work when you say these
playful lines and make him feel awesome around you? Yes.
134  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
5. See him as physically strong
I remember a girlfriend once said to me: “I love your collarbone,
it’s strong, like you” – I’ve never had my collarbone complimented
before, but I can assure you I never forgot the compliment.
Tell him you love his smell because it’s so masculine. Or let him
know how strong he looks in his shirt and blazer. Or when he
exercises, show that you’re a little impressed with how much weight
he lifts.
Matthew Hussey  135
Chapter 25
How to Get Him to Express
His Emotions to You
Are men less emotional than women?
It’s one of those old chestnuts we know isn’t really true. Whilst it
may appear that way, men are not natural stoics, constantly running
on neutral, unable to feel deep pain, embarrassment or get their
feelings hurt.
It’s more likely that men are less willing to share the range of
emotions they feel, being taught from a young age to avoid
emotional indulgence.
Every man was once a boy, and as a kid, every boy had a moment
when he got hit by a football in the playground, burst into tears and
felt utter shame when the other boys laughed at him for being such
a “cry-baby”, “wuss”, or, yes, a “girl”.
I’m not saying this is healthy, but I’m saying it’s what happens.
Men are taught to be faintly embarrassed about being overly
emotional. They are told to get on with things, to move ahead
and to be strong for others. This isn’t every man’s life, but those
clichés will ring true as a description of the vast majority of male
experiences.
136  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
Ask most men to describe how they are “feeling” outside of the context
of being angry and most will have a hard time knowing where to begin.
What does this mean for your relationship? Does it mean he’s
forever emotionally stunted and that until society changes you
have to deal with this grunting rhino who just gives you one word
answers when you try to crack through his thick emotional armor?
Of course not.
Men ARE capable of expressing how they feel.
Some, of course, are naturally better at doing this than others. Some
men will strike you as much more emotionally volatile than you are
– there are men who wear their heart on their sleeve, who cry at
Casablanca, and who seem a little too gooey with feelings for you.
Maybe he’s even too much of an emotional bear for you and you
need him to be more of a strong knight who can be your rock in
difficult times rather than fall apart.
But let’s suppose you’ve got a classic Grunting Rhino type guy.
Whenever you sit him down for a conversation about how you feel,
he seems to clam up. He shuts down. It’s like he has an iron safe in
his mind and you can’t crack the combination no matter how much
you turn the dial.
What do you do here?
Rule No. 1 - Do not confront him and demand he open up.
Don’t say:
“Just tell me how you feel! I want to hear your emotions! All of
them!”
Matthew Hussey  137
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
He might have ten emotions at once, and he’s not about to sit and
decode every last feeling he has. “Well I’m a bit hungry, earlier I got
a little depressed but then felt happier when I spoke to Ben on the
phone, then I was excited about the upcoming conference at work,
but then I got anxious about all the work I have to finish before I
leave…”
That’s what he thinks when you demand he share his feelings.
He doesn’t know what you’re looking for (again, guys are less
emotionally evolved than women on this front).
Asking him how he feels point blank will often get you little in
return.
Rule No. 2 - You have to make him feel COMPLETELY safe and
protected for expressing his emotions.
A man gets very nervous about spilling out his deepest emotions to
you.
This is especially true if he thinks you will do any of the following:
•• Mock him for what he says
•• Make him feel like less of a man for being vulnerable
•• Make him feel weak and pathetic for being upset
•• Get angry at him for not feeling what you want him to feel
•• Get emotional back and respond by breaking down and
being hurt, so that he needs to apologize for being honest.
If you cannot hear what your man has to say without responding in
any of these ways, don’t expect him to open up the next time you
want him to.
138  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
If you respond in ANY of the ways above, you will guarantee that
your man sinks back into his shell whenever you start an emotional
conversation.
Think of yourself as a psychoanalyst, in which your job is to hear
him out and ask him questions to penetrate further. Remain neutral
while he is talking. You can talk about your feelings and reactions
later, but right now you need to give him room to talk.
Rule No. 3 - Give him space to open up, and be non-judgmental.
But what do you say to get him to open up?
The best way is to have talks while you are occupied with
something other than talking. In other words, a man is very likely
to be intimidated and defensive if you sit him down at the kitchen
table to talk face-to-face. Remember when your mother used to
say: “We’re all going to eat at the dinner table together, turn off the
TV and have a proper conversation.” Then she would turn off the
TV and you’d all sit in silence with nothing to say!
This phenomenon occurs because we all close up under pressure.
We become less creative.
Good conversation is about LOSING pressure and just letting go.
One good way to do this is to start deeper conversations when you
are both occupied doing other things.
Here are a few possible scenarios that might work better to talk
through feelings with him:
•• You’re both having a walk to grab a coffee (imagine how
much easier it is for him to talk to you walking side by side
than staring into each other’s eyes intensely)
Matthew Hussey  139
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• Watching TV or a movie together (make sure it’s not his
favorite show or a movie he actually cares about)
•• Listening to music together (chill music!)
•• When you are just laying down relaxed and being
affectionate towards each other (i.e. you are starting from a
positive and relaxed place)
•• When you are sightseeing or walking around looking at
buildings or art (moments where part of your focus is
external to give you both time to think and process your
thoughts without pressure).
If your guy is in a bad mood and you want to understand, let him
go through the bad mood. When he is ready, he’ll open up to you
later, but you must remember:
(a) Make him feel safe
(b) Make him feel like he won’t immediately be judged (i.e.
show him you won’t react badly to whatever is bugging him)
For example, say:
“I’m not looking for right or wrong answers, I just want to get an
understanding of what’s going on for you right now.”
(c) Bring it up when you’re both distracted doing something
else.
When he’s in that bad mood and you don’t know what to do, it’s
okay to busy yourself with something else in the meantime, by
saying to him:
140  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
“I understand that you don’t feel like talking, and I respect that. I
can give you time to think. That way when I get back you and I
can work as a team to resolve this.”
Open your laptop and do some work, go out to meet some friends,
play sports – do your own thing and show him that he is welcome
to be in a bad mood, but you also reserve the right to get on with
your own stuff until he is ready to open up and talk about it.
Do your best to stay calm and kind. Maybe he’s not sharing
something because it makes him feel vulnerable. If this is the case,
reassure him by saying:
“I’m on your side, tell me. I love talking to you and sharing
things together.”
Or as an alternative you can say with a playful wink:
“Do you want to talk about it? I promise I’ll be on your side : )”
You can also say:
“Let’s be teammates. I’m not asking so I can give advice or
anything, I’d just love to know, it helps me understand you better.”
Or another option:
“Do you feel like you can’t share your feelings with me because
you think I’ll judge them? I’m asking because I care about you.”
Matthew Hussey  141
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Remember, in general, guys don’t respond much to just being asked
their feelings. They open up more when it is brought out naturally.
You might ask him:
“How was lunch with your parents the other day? Did you guys
get a chance to talk about anything interesting?”
Rather than: “How did you feel after you spoke with your parents?”
If you ask him about the specifics, he’ll be more likely to open up
and share how he feels.
E.g.
“Did it upset you when I did [insert specific action here]?”
“Did I frustrate you when I said [insert specific sentence here]?”
“Do you feel I overreacted when [insert specific moment here]?”
If he says things like: “I don’t want to talk about it,” respond with:
“I understand you don’t want to discuss it, and I know it’s not always
comfortable. But if we don’t discuss it how will we move forward?
And I want us to move forward together. I can go first if that helps.”
Remember those rules: Make him feel safe (i.e. not being
judgmental or becoming emotional yourself), do not confront him,
and have discussions while you’re both engaged in other activities,
rather than point-blank approaching him and making him feel
undue pressure.
142  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 26
How to Make Him Feel More at Home
With You Than Any Other Woman
I remember a New Year’s Eve years ago when I went to visit my
girlfriend at the time and her family in another country. After
dinner, her family, friends and I went to the dance floor.
I’m not a world-class dancer, but I enjoy dancing, especially when
I’m relaxed and everyone is just having fun.
Except this woman didn’t make me feel relaxed and fun. Every
single step I made she would look and stifle a giggle. Then she
would correct my moves and try to adjust me with her hands,
telling me, “Loosen up your shoulders!”
Suffice it to say that back then my internal confidence wasn’t quite
as resilient as it is today. So what do you think happened? I felt
embarrassed and shut down.
If I was tense before, after hearing those words my shoulders
had frozen as I became more and more self-conscious of every
movement of my hands. I was suddenly hyperaware and whatever
pleasure I was getting from moving along to the beat had
evaporated. I was now putting on a performance for approval. All
the while, oblivious to how uncomfortable I was, my girlfriend
Matthew Hussey  143
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
went on ‘adjusting’ me and giving me the impression I had no idea
what I was doing.
We didn’t last.
Some years later I had a completely different dancing experience
with a new girlfriend in Los Angeles. Only, this experience
completely changed my feelings about dancing with a woman.
She would turn on the stereo in the apartment full blast, come
into my bedroom and pull me off the bed. If I resisted she would
pout and say, “Please come dance with me babyyyy”, and we would
spontaneously dance around together. We were totally in our own
world, free of judgment, free of inhibition, just smiling at each
other and loving every minute of being ourselves together. She
wasn’t worrying about what I was doing. All she cared about was
the two of us having a moment together. At the end of it we would
collapse, out of breath in a heap of laughter.
When I was around this girl, I got lost in the moment. She made
me feel like nothing I did was to be felt ashamed of or embarrassed
by, and as a result, I felt completely open to her.
Not only that, I felt she brought parts of me out that naturally stay
in. She brought out the best in me.
Bear in mind she never said: “Why won’t you dance?” which would
have made it about me.
Instead she would adorably say: “Dance with me, don’t leave me on
my own” and make a sad face. She knew how to make it about her
and tease me out of my shell. It was hard to resist.
There were nights where she would say things like:
144  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
“Let’s go out dancing tonight, you and me. I love when it’s just you
and me and we dance together. It makes me so happy, we have so
much fun together, don’t we?”
I would never before have imagined just going out with a girlfriend
on our own and dancing, and yet with her I did. She created a
world where we could do anything, where not only did we not
judge each other, but where we ceased to care about the judgment
of other people.
Whenever you make a man feel like he can humiliate himself,
either through what he says or does, you are reducing his closeness
to you, and encouraging him to hide parts of his personality from
you.
If you want your man to open up, show him total acceptance and
share in the good time with him. Let him be goofy and do silly
things that make you both laugh. Show you indulge his nerdy
hobbies and that he doesn’t need to feel ashamed of them. Let him
try spontaneous activities that might be a failure but at least allow
him to take risks in front of you.
In the above example on dancing, here are some scripts that would
work after the fact:
“I love how much fun we have together. When we went out
dancing the other night I had SUCH a good time.”
“I love when we dance together.”
“I find you sexy when you dance.”
The key is making it about what a great time you have together. You
can obviously adapt these scripts to any situation where you want
to make your man feel at home with you and free to be himself.
Matthew Hussey  145
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
The more he can be 100% himself around you, the more
irreplaceable you are in every way in his mind, and the more he will
open up to you in the future.
When we find someone truly special in the world, it’s because they
make us feel the most free. Free to say what we feel, dance how we
like, and be exactly who we are.
There is a moment in the movie American Hustle where Christian
Bale’s character Irving is talking about this feeling with the woman
he is falling in love with:
“I felt like we had a secret, just the two of us. You know, like that
thing when you just wanna be with the one person the whole
time and you feel like the two of you understand something that
nobody else gets. I could just tell her everything about myself. And
I’d never had anybody like that in my life before. It felt like finally
I could truly be myself, without being ashamed, without being
embarrassed.”
That’s a vision of love that makes me weak at the knees. What about
you?
146  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 27
How to Make Your Man Feel Amazing
With Compliments
Not all compliments are made equal.
I remember being on a date with a woman I thought was drop-dead
gorgeous. She drove me insane (first in a good way, then, later, a
bad way).
The reason she drove me nuts (in a bad way) wasn’t because of
some enormous problem. It was something very small.
Every time I would do something she liked, she would always say:
“That’s sooo cute.”
When I told her about my closeness with my brothers: “That’s sooo
cute.”
When I told her about my passion for my career: “That’s sooo cute.”
When I called to surprise her with a reservation at a top restaurant:
“That’s sooo cute.”
I began to loathe that word, and soon, her saying it triggered anger
in me every time she said it.
Matthew Hussey  147
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Cute is what you say when a puppy rolls onto its back and wags
its tongue expecting its belly to be tickled. Cute is that little kid
who draws a picture of his teenage babysitter in his coloring book
because he thinks she looks like a princess.
I wanted to be her towering romantic hero, not her “adorable little
boyfriend”.
So what ARE some great compliments you can pay a man?
Three Keys to Man-Melting Compliments
Great compliments are ornaments that you hang on your wall and
return to every time you want to feel a positive emotion.
If your compliments are bland and generic, you’ll never stick in a
guy’s brain as someone who notices how unique and special he is.
The ideal compliment should communicate three things to a guy:
(a) He is unique
(b) You have paid attention to his qualities
(c) You admire him
A compliment is not a mindless platitude.
It’s about showing someone we see them for their best qualities.
We all want to be around people who see us the way we want to
be seen. When a woman does this, it makes that woman unique to
him and he doesn’t want to lose her.
Even the simple non-specific compliment, “You are such an
incredible man,” will make many men go weak at the knees because
it’s not something they are used to hearing.
148  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
When tied to something specific, it becomes even more powerful:
E.g.
•• “You have the ability that few men have to have a genuine
vision for your life, it’s so sexy.”
•• “I love the way you helped that elderly lady with the door
earlier today, I have the most amazing man.”
When you do compliment a guy, it’s wonderful when you can praise
a unique quality he never knew he had, or a quality he always
thought himself as being under-appreciated in him by everyone
else.
How do you find such qualities?
For one thing, you have to really think about the guy before you
compliment him. You also have to be honest. Avoid the boring
clichés. If you’re going to tell him, “You’re amazing,” tell him why
he’s amazing.
If he brings you coffee and croissants in bed, tell him:
“You’re amazing. You always think about me and make me feel so
loved.”
Or maybe when he talks passionately about a book he read recently,
you say:
“This is why I love you. Do you know how unique it is to find
someone who is so passionate about learning? I love being able
to share that with you as a couple.”
Matthew Hussey  149
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Even when you’re in bed in the morning, say:
“I love how warm you are to cuddle up to. You make me feel so
safe.”
All these moments are making him feel more and more special, and
it’s like you are always noticing these unique qualities about him.
If you really want to score points, admire two completely separate
but complimentary qualities in him in the same sentence (i.e. his
‘unique pairings’). Let’s take the example above:
“This is why I love you. It’s so sexy to have a man who is both so
active and masculine when it comes to physical activity and yet
so passionate about learning and books. You’re so unique.”
See how specific this compliment is? It’s not like just telling him
“you’re so cute,” which is unspecific and could apply to any guy.
It could be made simpler by saying:
“How is it you’re so smart but also so sexy and masculine? It’s
such a turn-on.”
I remember once introducing a girlfriend to an old jazz record I
adored. It was a fairly sentimental number, a world away from a lot
of the hip-hop I usually listen to. She listened to it and said to me:
“I love the man you are. You are so diverse in the types of things
you enjoy. The fact that you are someone who enjoys current music
and can go out and dance to hip-hop, and yet, when you can,
listen to a beautiful jazz song from way back and be completely
passionate about it. It says so much about you.”
150  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
For another example, let’s turn our compliment about the elderly
lady above into a ‘unique pairing’ compliment. So our original
compliment…
“I love the way you helped that elderly lady with the door earlier
today, I have the most amazing man.”
Becomes…
“I love the way you helped that elderly lady with the door earlier
today. You’re so exciting and bold and yet you’re such a gentleman
at the same time. I have the most amazing man, it’s crazy.”
It’s also worth noting how valuable it is to show a man that you are
in love with him as a person. Just as a beautiful woman wants to be
loved for more than her beauty, a successful, attractive man wants
to be loved for more than what he has achieved or what he looks
like.
“I’m in love with the man you are” is perhaps even more powerful
than “I love you” because the former seems to suggest a love of his
character and the principles that define him – things that won’t go
away with time. It is this type of compliment that engenders a deep
sense of security in him that your love and loyalty will not falter
with time either, and even the most confident men see you show
you love them for who they are and the choices they make.
These compliments aren’t needy, by the way. They are powerful and
confident.
Neediness says: I can’t function without you.
A high-value compliment says: You enrich my world for being a part
of it.
Matthew Hussey  151
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Communicate the latter and a guy will melt for you every time.
9 Other Quick Compliments that I Have Heard or Overhead that
Worked Like a Charm (no matter how they may sound):
•• “You walk like a man that gets things done.”
Nice to have one’s walk complimented at the same time as
being gifted with the quality of being a man who gets things
done.
•• “You look sexy when you’re driving.”
Why not take something as everyday as driving and make
him feel sexy for it? No one else is, so it has the added effect
of making YOU stand out.
•• “I appreciate the way you make time for us.”
A clever way to get him to keep doing something you enjoy
is to compliment him on it early, and sometimes even
prematurely (i.e. when he does it once but before you can
really say he does it regularly). It’s this kind of compliment
that can turn a one off action on his part into a habit.
•• “You look attractive when I see you reading or handling
business.”
Because what guy doesn’t want to feel attractive while he’s
handling business?
152  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
•• “I’m proud of that decision you made.”
Many women complain about their men being indecisive.
Why not give him reinforcement when he makes a decision.
Or be more direct by saying: “I love how decisive you are,
even about the little things” when he makes a decision, for
example on what restaurant to book for the two of you that
night.
•• “You make me feel beautiful when you take my hand as we
walk down the street.”
Give him a reason to hold your hand if that’s something you
want more from him.
•• “I’m blown away by the way you take charge when there is a
problem.”
It’s the same idea here as the decision making example.
You want a man who feels confident when he deals with
problems, so support him when you see him doing it well.
•• “You have the manliest chest.”
You can pretty much say this about any part of his body and
it will do the trick.
•• “Your butt looks good in those pants.”
Matthew Hussey  153
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Men aren’t used to hearing compliments like this generally,
so it will make him feel special if you compliment the way
he looks in clothes.
You get the point. These are just examples, but there are a thousand
more you can come up with yourself to suit your guy once you have
the hang of it.
154  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 28
How to Make Him Feel Needed By You
(So He Won’t Ever Need Any Other Woman)
Part of making a man want to please you and only you is making
him feel like he provides something unique for you that no one else
does or perhaps ever could.
You may wonder how this relates to him not wanting to please
someone else.
Men have two primal instincts: Provide and Protect. These are
strongly tied to his ego.
When he is around a woman who makes him feel like he does these
things on a high level, not only does it encourage him to do them
more, it makes him less likely to want to have these needs satisfied
by someone else.
It’s become fashionable in a post-feminist world to decry the idea
of men protecting and providing as some kind of antiquated idea
wrapped up in patriarchy, and an old-fashioned desire of men to
control women in relationships.
This isn’t about him paying for your mortgage, or being the
breadwinner. Usually, men who rely on finances as a way to boost
Matthew Hussey  155
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
their ego are insecure control-freaks who get a power-trip out of
women relying on them.
When we talk about Provide and Protect here, all we are talking
about is a basic male desire to feel needed. This is one of the most
powerful things your femininity achieves. For any woman who
wants to instantly appear more feminine, you don’t need to seem
weaker; you just need to show where you need his masculine energy.
How to Make Him Feel Needed
•• Tell him what makes him special to you – A guy needs
to know what he does well for you. You might tell him, for
example:
“No-one makes me laugh as much as you do. I just love it when
we joke around together.”
To let you in on a funny story, I will never forget speaking to
a friend of mine in high school who was describing his new
girlfriend. He didn’t say how hot she was, he said: “This girl really
finds me funny man. I mean she really laughs at my jokes!”
It’s amazing just how much men appreciate it when a woman finds
them special in some way. It never changes for us.
•• Let him take care of you sometimes – If you’re into masculine
guys, you need to show vulnerability now and then and let him
lead in taking care of you. Maybe after a problem at work you
get home and just wrap yourself in his arms and say:
“Today was so frustrating at work. It made me miss you so much.
I couldn’t wait to be in your strong arms again.”
156  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
You are letting him be a man for you. This doesn’t mean you always
have to play the damsel, but you should feel comfortable showing
genuine vulnerability, and, crucially, making him feel like only he
is able to take care of you in that moment.
•• Reinforce any behavior he does that makes you feel happy or
protected – If he books a holiday and takes care of all the little
details, or makes you chicken soup when you feel ill, or goes
and buys you that make-up you said you wanted weeks ago, tell
him how much you appreciate it and gush about how good he is
at knowing exactly what you need.
“How is it you know me so well? You’re the only person who
could make me feel this good.”
“You’re the most protective man. It’s such a turn-on. I’ve always
felt strong as a woman, but to be taken care of by you at times is
the best feeling in the world. It’s a feeling I could only want from
you.”
He gets to feel like a man for being your hero, and you get a guy
who lives to look out for your needs!
•• Show him you rely on him – Men love the idea that you rely
on them to provide some things in your life. Maybe he cooks
for you once a week, and you tell him you can’t wait for him
to make your favorite meal this weekend. He’ll also love it if
you show him that you are willing to trust him with making
arrangements or bookings for flights, meals, or trips together.
•• Show him you admire his character – Many successful guys
worry about women who only admire what they have, rather
than who they are.
Matthew Hussey  157
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
If he’s intellectual, tell him how much you appreciate his mind,
and ask him questions about his interests that get him fired up and
passionate.
“The way your mind works is so sexy to me. I love hearing
you talk about subjects. It’s like you are able to make anything
interesting because of the way you think and talk about it.”
If he’s ambitious, show how much you admire his drive.
“Your drive is so attractive for me to watch. I love how you
always have such tenacity in the way you go after what you want.”
The principle is simple: Instead of admiring what he has created
or achieved, admire the traits he has that made that possible in the
first place.
Warning: with this chapter, I’m not trying to turn you into a
gushing sycophant about everything he does. There will obviously
be times when you are pissed off at him and can’t think of anything
nice to say. I’m not saying that in these moments you have to keep
saying lots of sweet and lovely things and be some sort of Stepford
wife.
I’m just saying that if he feels unique and special to you, he’s far less
likely to have the need to feel unique and special to someone else.
158  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 29
How to Make Him Melt With This Clever
Bragging Technique
Isn’t it annoying when you’re complimenting one of your friends,
but they aren’t there to hear it?
You wish you could tell them that you were saying nice things
about them, especially because you know how special and loved it
would make them feel.
The same thing happens with our romantic partners too.
You’re at a party talking to a friend, telling her about your new
boyfriend, and you say: “He’s just so special. He’s so hot but
smart and interesting as well. And he really makes an effort to be
romantic too. He’s really amazing.”
What if you could tell him this? How much would he love you and
feel incredible in that moment?
The great thing is, you can!
Just do it very casually. In the middle of a normal conversation, say
to him:
Matthew Hussey  159
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I was telling Jennifer that that’s what is so amazing about you.
You always want the best for people and you’re always kind
without ever complaining. It’s really special. I love that about you.”
You are getting 3 benefits here:
1) Your guy feels amazing and appreciated (which makes him
appreciate you).
2) By hearing what qualities you love about him, he now has a
blueprint for making you feel good. You reinforce his best side.
3) He knows that you are telling your friends about him,
which makes him feel closer to you and more special.
People truly appreciate it when they hear you are talking about
them. Not that you just compliment him to his face, but to hear that
you’ve been complimenting him to others is an even bigger bonus.
It means you thought about him when he wasn’t there.
Trust me: that means more than you know.
More Ways to ‘Brag to His Face’
•• “I couldn’t help but share how amazing I think your smile is. I
was telling my girlfriends how when you smile it lights up the
whole room. How you have that smile that forces you to smile
when you see it. It’s so intoxicating.”
•• “Not that I do it on purpose, but I always find myself talking
about you, and when I do I realize, I’m bragging about what
an amazing man you are.”
160  Matthew Hussey
Part 2  How to Talk to Men… To Build a Deep Connection
•• “I’m always so proud to talk about how special you make me
feel, how you know how to make me laugh and smile when
I’m down. I tell everyone you’re my Superman, always saving
the day.”
•• “I wish you could’ve seen how jealous my girlfriends were
when I told them how you tell me I’m beautiful every day.”
•• “Because of the man you are, I feel so proud to be your
girlfriend. I always want to tell people how proud I am when
we walk into a room together.”
Remember, all of these only work if they come from a strong,
confident place. When a self-assured woman uses these phrases, it
melts a man. It’s like she is showing both strength and her gentle,
caring side at the same time (this is a unique pairing that drives
men wild).
It does not work if these phrases are used in a needy, over-bearing
way which makes it sound like you’re worshipping him, especially if
you use them before you’re close enough to justify giving him such
high praise. But used in the right moments, they can truly bring
you closer together.
Matthew Hussey  161
Pa rt 3
How to Talk to Men…
So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
Chapter 30
How to Respond to the Late Night Booty Call
in a High Value Way
What do you do with a guy who only ever calls you late at night to
“come over” to his place?
This ‘booty call’ scenario can really frustrate a lot of women
when they like a guy, but wish he’d put more effort into making a
meaningful connection.
I’m not here to make judgments. Some guys treat women as a booty
call because they just want to enjoy a carefree bachelor’s life. Others
do it because they find a certain girl sexy and fun but don’t feel
sufficient compatibility to be in a deep relationship with her.
You probably have guys you feel this way about too. Maybe he’s got
chiseled abs, a cute face, and is dynamite in bed, but also couldn’t
locate Europe on a world map. Sex material? Sure. Relationship
material? Not a chance.
There’s also another reason a guy will try the booty call on you:
because he thinks he can.
Just chasing sex does not make him a bad guy.
Matthew Hussey  165
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Often as a guy, after we have sex with a woman (and enjoy it),
there’s a secret part of us that’s hoping this can just become a
regular thing – where we can call her up at the end of a day, watch
a movie and have kinky sex, sleep over and then take off in the
morning. It’s not romantic (or it is a little romantic, but just never
goes anywhere) and it may seem clinical – but I’m not here to
sugarcoat the truth.
I’ll say it again: This, on its own, does not make him a bad guy.
Key Idea
Men will adhere to the parameters you set them. If you allow
him to call you up at 10pm, come over and have sex, then he’ll
just carry on with that situation. It’s a sweet set-up for him!
That’s not to say he doesn’t want commitment. It’s just that he can
separate the part of himself that wants sex with the part of himself
that wants to be emotionally attached.
Secret About Men
Sex does not create an emotional attachment for a man. If he’s
already emotionally attached to you, sex can be an important
way for a guy to show that affection for you, but it won’t suddenly
make him fall in love just because he was physical with you.
So how do you answer the guy who wants the booty call?
What if you like this guy, but don’t want to become that girl who he
thinks he can just call up for fun?
The trick is: reject his attempt without rejecting him entirely.
166  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
For example: You get that text at 10pm, “Hey, you at home now?
Want me to come over so we can be warm and watch a movie?”
Recognize this for what it is. He’s chosen to make contact at an
hour where he knows you’re very likely to be in the house, which
means he never planned on hanging out that evening or taking you
out. He’s texting because he’s got the choice between being at home
streaming porn, or coming over to see you.
Again, this doesn’t mean he isn’t into you. But by texting so late he’s
deliberately choosing not to make any real investment in being with
you.
The first time he tries this, just respond very casually. Give him the
benefit of the doubt and say:
“BOOTY CALL BUSTER”
“I’m nearly asleep now I’m afraid. Maybe we can get together and
do something on Saturday afternoon”.
(Notice how you say ‘maybe’ here – you are just saying you might
hang out – if you’re available.)
This response does two things:
(a) Politely rejects his offer, but not him entirely – You’re
telling him that coming over for late-night fun is off the
cards. But you’re also giving him another option to take up
during the day if he’s really interested.
(b) Gives him a chance to try harder – You’ve closed a
window, but opened a door. If he wants to invest quality
time in you, he’ll take up the Saturday offer. If he only
wanted to hang out because he was horny in the evening,
Matthew Hussey  167
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
then you’ll know because he’ll decline, and won’t offer an
alternative meet-up.
This is by far the most elegant way to respond to a booty call.
If he persists and tries another night, you can be firmer, because
now he’s not getting the message. But still be classy!
Say:
“I’m not really the kind of girl who does a 10pm meet-up. I
prefer to get to know someone first. Just not my style, hope you
understand x”
Or a sweeter way of doing this:
“As much as I want to see you (and I do, lol) I have a bit of a
personal rule against getting together late at night if I’m not
actually with someone.”
If he persists again after you send this message, just ignore the texts.
You’re not starting a negotiation after all; you’re sending him a
message.
168  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 31
How to Respond to His “Sexting”
Some guys like to turn up the heat very quickly.
Maybe he’s not a perv, but he gets a little too sexual a little too
quickly, and you want to put out the fire without completely
throwing cold water over him.
You want him interested, but to take it a little slower.
Let’s say he says: “I can’t help thinking that I wish you were in my
bed tonight.”
Now this isn’t quite at the point of “sexting” (trading sexually
explicit texts), but one can see how it would quickly lead there. All
that would need to happen is for you to send something along the
lines of: “Why, what would be happening?” and you’re there.
But it’s possible to go a different route that both acknowledges and
appreciates this comment without needing to take it any further.
In other words, you don’t need to put out the flame altogether in
order to avoid sexting.
In the scenario above, don’t shrug off his suggestiveness in this
scenario, just be playful but also gently turn the heat down.
Matthew Hussey  169
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
For example, you could reply:
“I will imagine nothing of the sort…*ahem* ;)”
The subtext here is that although you are committed to being
proper, you are also trying to hold it together (because he’s not
making it easy to!).
Here are a few alternatives:
“You’re bad. Go to sleep ; )”
As I mention in the “Language of Desire” bonus, ‘bad’ is a great
word for creating desire-building tension.
“You’re trouble. Go to sleep!”
‘Trouble’ has a similar effect as ‘bad’ in creating sexual tension.
I like that in both of these examples you are being authoritative and
telling him what to do. It’s actually pretty hot!
Or you could go the playful direction:
“Oh, but then where would you sleep?! I couldn’t possibly steal
your bed.”
It’s fun sometimes to play innocent, as if you have no idea what
he is getting at. It shows the cheeky side of you and also ironically
gives you a lot of control over the situation.
170  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
Let’s take a different scenario. What if instead of the text above, he
sent you something more sexually explicit like:
“I wish I was sliding your panties off right now…”
(Side note: I have no problem with these sorts of texts if you are
already sleeping with him and have a sexual relationship. Whether
or not this is true for you is up to you, but for me, sexting itself isn’t
a crime.)
Let’s assume for the example here that it has come prior to a sexual
relationship and he’s just trying to create an unearned level of
sexual dialogue (something you may have noticed is common on
apps like Tinder).
In this case, don’t give him too much power by taking it so
seriously, i.e.
“Are you joking sending me a message like that?”
Instead say:
“Are you always this forward with ladies after just one drink?”
A little more elegant, wouldn’t you agree?
If he says “Yes”, respond with:
“Well it sounds like you may have been seeing slightly different
women than me, lol,”
You may be wondering why this text back isn’t more aggressive, but
be calm and collected enough to laugh it off, instead of allowing it
to rile you up.
Matthew Hussey  171
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
As an alternative, after he says “Yes” you could text:
“I can be as naughty as the next person, but I usually have to
know more than three things about someone first ; )”
Now, if he’s particularly cheeky or persistent at this point, he may
respond by listing three things in line with your request:
“Well, my name is David, I’m 35, and I love basketball”
Your response can simply be:
“Nice try ;)”
Notice in all of these how you are the one controlling his responses.
You are making him dance to qualify himself.
After this message you can simply sign off by writing:
“Sleep tight, muah x”
You’ll notice that you’ve put an end to the conversation, but
you still look cool and in control, and are able to maintain your
elegance and femininity. That’s not something he can rid you of by
trying to debase the interaction.
At worst he may feel a little silly by the end of it, but he won’t feel
berated or totally embarrassed by being shot down. At best he will
be totally attracted to the fact that you have your own standards
that you were able to hold to whilst still being unfazed by him.
It may not have been the reaction he wanted, but he will respect it.
172  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
Isn’t it nice to be able to put someone in their place without
having to be accused of being the prude? The subtext: I can be as
dangerous, exciting and sexual as the next person, just not with
you… yet.
Matthew Hussey  173
Chapter 32
How to Slow Down His Sexual Advances
and Make Him Even More Attracted
to You in the Process
What if things get hot and heavy a little too soon?
After a few dates, you’ve ended up in your bedroom together, you’re
both kissing, and it’s clear he’s expecting things to lead to sex.
Here’s how to hit pause.
Firstly, don’t wait until you’re both naked to say it. When things are
starting to move towards sex, say to him:
“As hot as I find you right now, it’s too fast for me to have sex
yet”.
This is exactly the tone that will make him understand that while
you’re into him, you also have a boundary that you don’t want to
cross. You are making it about your rules, not to do with him.
Imagine if alternatively you just said, “Stop, we’re not having
sex”. This sounds dramatic, and it shoots him down in an angrysounding way. Moreover, it sounds like you don’t want to have sex
with him at all, whereas the truth is you’re just not ready right now.
174  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
To put out a clear disclaimer so people don’t misunderstand: I am
definitely not saying that you should be afraid to say “No!” outright
to any guy who makes unwanted sexual advances. Of course you
can and must be explicit if a guy doesn’t get the message that you
don’t want to have sex with him. Your safety always comes first.
But assuming this is a decent guy who is just getting hot and heavy
with you, the best way to reject his advances is simply to show him
that while you have physical desire for him, you’re just not at the
point in the relationship yet where you are ready to have sex.
He may be a little sexually frustrated, and that’s okay. If he’s a big
boy, he’ll get over it, and if he likes you, frankly he won’t mind
waiting. But make sure you physically validate him when you reject
him – it makes him feel wanted, which is half of what he really is
looking for anyway. If he knows you want him soon, and that you
are thinking about him in a sexual way, it won’t matter to him if you
save the sex for a future date.
Other Ways to Reject His Advances
•• “I’m a lady, I need to know you a little better before I do this
with you”
The key word in this sentence is “before”. Why? Because it shows
him it’s a delay, not a denial. You are just saying “not yet” instead of
“never”!
•• “I couldn’t do that just yet, even for a man as smooth/
charming as you”
This is a great line because it pays him a compliment at the same
time as delaying him.
Matthew Hussey  175
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• “Oh God… you do make it difficult don’t you? I really can’t
right now, I need to get to know you better first. But shame
on you for getting me all hot and heavy. That’s not fair.”
This line is playful and it tells him you’re sexually excited by him,
even though you still want to wait before actually having sex.
What if He is Really Persistent?
Some guys will get impatient. They may even get frustrated. If he
gets too frustrated… pay attention. It’s usually an alarm bell that
this guy is either lacking in chivalry or desperate to get what he
wants right now because he’s not planning on seeing you again.
If he keeps trying to kiss you and take it further despite your
rebuffs, you can say:
“Listen, I like you, I really do. But I wouldn’t just sleep with
someone because I’m attracted to them. Casual sex is easy but it’s
not where I am. I’m not just having fun. Being intimate to me is
something that is for someone that it’s going somewhere with. I
know that may sound a little old-fashioned but that’s just how I
am. It’s not easy to say that because it’s obvious to me how good
it would be between us, we have a ton of chemistry.”
Note: If this is your stance, stick to it, and don’t tease him by
groping his groin and sending him mixed messages while you kiss
him. Kiss him, be passionate, show your sexuality, but draw the line
at acts that suggest you are ready for him to try to have sex with
you.
176  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 33
How to Respond to Last Minute Date Requests
One of the most brilliant lines I ever heard from a woman came
when she was putting me in my place.
I fly back and forth between New York and Los Angeles for my
TV spots in The Today Show. Although I am greatly appreciative
for the air-miles I’ve racked up doing this gig (and less grateful for
the many hours sitting in airports), one of the difficulties of flying
between two cities becomes apparent in my dating life.
While the song lyrics “hoes in different area codes” might come to
mind, the truth of dating between two cities for a single man is far
less glamorous.
It means that, no matter who I’m dating, I’m always going to be
dragged away at some point to go to another city.
I remember when I started casually seeing a girl in New York I was
useless at giving her forewarning when I was leaving town. On one
trip I text her at the very last minute, asking if she wanted to spend
30 minutes together before I went to the airport to fly to LA (I
know, lame right?).
She text me back saying:
Matthew Hussey  177
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I’m not really a 30-minute time slot kind of person. Text me if you
want to spend some proper time together next time you’re in town
handsome x ;)”
I was blown away by the confidence of this text. She communicated
SO MUCH about her value in that tiny, short message.
I remember jumping into my taxi heading for the airport and
kicking myself for not getting in touch with her sooner to make
plans.
I was in LA a month later, and my agent called up to say: “Matt,
they want you back on The Today Show in three days. We’re going
to book you on a flight to New York tomorrow, is that okay?”
I sighed and braced myself to do my laundry and pack my suitcase
as usual. But you can guess who I wanted to call in New York and
make plans with first.
More Ways You Can Respond to His Last-Minute Date
Requests
H.V.R Scripts
•• “You always give me so much notice don’t you ; ). I’m actually
out with some people right now handsome, gimme some
notice next time and we’ll see if we can make it work x”
This calls him out in his lack of forward planning, but playfully. It
also alludes to your high-value life. You call him handsome, which
is a sweet touch. But you’re also issuing him a command. You’re not
making it certain that it will happen; he still might have to do a bit
of work.
178  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
•• “Who have you dated before that is available on such short
notice?? lol”
This line is more direct.
Use it if he has done this before and frequently texts you lastminute. It’s a perfect way of putting yourself in a different class, and
it lets him know that getting in touch at the last second isn’t your
normal way of dating.
•• “I’m busy tonight but we should def catch up another time”
This is for someone you’ve never been on a date with, or don’t
know that well. It sends a nice, clear message without being passiveaggressive or showing much emotional attachment to the situation
(which will make him want to catch up with you as soon as you’re
next available).
•• “You’re sweet for thinking of me, although I already have
plans tonight. Would be great to get together soon though.
Let’s see if we can make plans in the future, last-minute
doesn’t always work with my schedule.”
I love this because it’s a classy way of telling him that you’re a busy
woman and although you like to spend time with him, you need to
be booked in advance!
•• “Ohhh nooo did your friend flake on you? Although that
sounds great I can’t flake on my girlfriend tonight. But let me
know if you’d like to plan something with me later this week.”
Matthew Hussey  179
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
This one is great, particularly the addition of suggesting he be the
one to plan something for the next date. A command like this tells
him that it’s his job to do a little more work and figure out where to
take you on your next (proper) date.
180  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 34
How to Get Him to Change His Bad Behavior:
6 Powerful Techniques
Ever been with a guy who makes you his top priority in 100% of his
decisions, ticks all your essential boxes of what a man should be,
seems totally in love with you, instantly knows what your needs are
and works to fulfill them, and never once lets you down?
No?
That’s okay, neither has any woman.
And neither should you expect that to happen. Of the many myths
we are sold about love, one of the most pervasive is the old slogan:
“When it’s right, it will be easy”.
Whilst I happen to agree that the relationships that are right
seem to be far more effortless than the ones that are a constant
frustration, even the best relationships suffer from communication
problems at times.
It may be that two people don’t always agree on what’s important,
or that they simply have certain habits that drive each other crazy.
Here are just a few behaviors of his that might be annoying you:
Matthew Hussey  181
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• He never cleans up after himself and it drives you crazy.
•• He stops making an effort to take you somewhere new and
exciting.
•• He never takes the time to plan weekends or holidays with
you, and then it gets too late and you end up doing nothing.
•• He stops being a gentleman - opening doors for you, taking
care of you and being chivalrous (or he never started!).
•• He can’t be bothered to get to know your friends.
•• He doesn’t listen or ask you questions about yourself.
•• He makes a promise to you about something he is going to
get done and then he doesn’t do it.
•• He shuts down during an argument and goes into his cave
instead of solving the problem with you.
Pretty common stuff, right?
You probably noticed something in that list that came up for you.
Maybe it’s a problem you’ve brought up several times before, and
yet he hasn’t changed. Maybe he made promises and fixed the
problem for about five minutes, but then reverted straight back to
his old self again.
Does this mean he’s a bad partner? Is he not your soul mate because
he has some repetitive behavior that turns you off or drives you
crazy?
Look, nobody’s perfect. But I have a little rule on this:
182  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
Key Idea
The ideal partner isn’t the one who comes with ALL of the right
standards, but the one who is willing to work on their standards
and improve them where it is good for the relationship.
But in order for someone to be willing to work on their standards
for you, they need to know what needs to change, and have the
motivation to do it.
That’s where you come in.
When you have a child who behaves badly, you know there are
good methods and bad methods for getting them to behave better.
We have countless insights from behavioral psychology to remind
us of this.
Take one of the fundamental insights from economics: human
beings respond to incentives.
There’s a scene in the Jack Nicholson movie As Good As It Gets,
in which his character is trying to pay an awkward compliment to
Helen Hunt. But in a romantic turn, he completely nails it when
he finally gets the words out that explain why he finds her so
wonderful: “You make me want to be a better man”.
Any woman can get her man to have this feeling, but there are
smart ways to do it and there are futile, fruitless attempts at forcing
him into change that never work.
Where Most Women Go Wrong
Unfortunately, there is a stereotype reinforced in society that the
natural roles in a relationship are as follows:
Matthew Hussey  183
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Man’s role: Try to get away with everything he wants to do.
Woman’s role: Try to nag him into submission until he acts more
like the kind of man she wants him to be.
This is a sad cliché that people buy into, and unfortunately it ends
up as an accurate picture of most men and women’s experience of
being a couple.
But here’s the real story.
Secret About Men
Most men want to meet your highest standard. Men want to be
the hero in their girlfriend’s life. They want to be your champion,
your knight, your hero and your closest companion. But he needs
the right motivation!
The reason nagging doesn’t work is because it provides no
motivation for him to be any better. It’s not that you’re wrong to
feel dissatisfied when a guy doesn’t meet your standards: you just
may be communicating these feelings in the wrong way. (See my
YouTube video “Are you turning your partner against you?” for more.)
The Worst Way to Tell Him He’s Wrong
In a relationship, our language and the names we call each other
have a powerful effect on our identity.
This is why you have to be really careful never to give a guy a label:
if you say he’s “useless,” “hopeless,” “a lazy slob,” “stupid,” or an
“idiot,” you are now placing the idea in his head that this is how you
see him as a person.
184  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
“But I want him to know what a lazy idiot he is being when he doesn’t
clean up after himself!” I hear you cry.
“I want him to know how useless he is when he doesn’t hold a door
open!”
I get that.
But there is a difference between thinking it and saying it.
Be careful not to label him:
When you give the guy a label of being “hopeless” and a “lazy slob
of a man,” he is far more likely to simply adopt that identity and
start to lose motivation to change. He’ll think, “She already sees
me as a slob, and she’ll never change that opinion. Maybe I am just
hopeless like she says.”
And suddenly you’ve got a man who has lost the incentive to
change or grow, because he simply doesn’t see the benefit.
There is a difference between doing something slob-like and being
a slob.
If he thinks you’ve already chosen this identity for him, the only
incentive to behave better will be to get you off his back in the
moment, after which he slides right back into the bad behavior. It
then becomes so intolerable that you nag him again, after which
he’ll do just enough again to get you off his back, and the cycle
repeats itself endlessly until all your arguments are like a broken
record.
Needless to say, endless nagging does not work. So what does?
There’s an old Chinese proverb: The best time to plant a tree was 20
years ago. The second best time is now.
Matthew Hussey  185
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
To adapt it slightly…
The best time to show a guy the behavior you expect is at the
beginning of a relationship, the second best time is now.
I see too many couples operate under the myth that their partner
should instinctively know what they need at any given moment.
This is dumb. Relationships are about a constant process of
education and discovering what you both need to feel loved, secure,
turned-on, and happy.
You wouldn’t for example assume that your partner knows your
favorite sex position in bed? If you love it when he kisses your neck
and it’s the only thing that turns you on, are you going to leave it six
months until he just blindly stumbles upon it in foreplay one day?
If you’re taking this approach to getting your needs met, and hoping
that one day he just “gets it” and realizes what you need, you are going
to spend a long time being miserable and resentful with your guy.
Unfortunately, hoping that he will one day ‘get it’ is exactly what
leads to nagging and frustration when it’s already a little late.
DO NOT BE AFRAID TO EDUCATE A MAN IN EXACTLY
WHAT YOU NEED.
In fact, that goes for everyone: family members, friends,
co-workers, and especially romantic relationships.
The techniques I’m about to share cover the two essentials of
getting a guy to live up to your standards. These are (1) Making
him understand your needs (i.e. the ROADMAP), and (2)
Inspiring him to take action (i.e. the DRIVE).
You always have to achieve both: you can’t have a guy who
understands your needs, but is never inspired to take action, and
186  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
equally, you can’t have a guy who is driven to be the best he can
possibly be for you, but has no idea how to get there.
So here are six things you must do if you want your guy to be
incredible at meeting your standards:
(1) Reinforce his good behaviors – Does your guy kiss your
neck in exactly the way that turns you on? Do you find him
unbearably cute when he brings you a single rose for no other
reason than because he adores you? Has he recently taken
initiative to arrange a romantic dinner at that new restaurant
you were raving about last week?
If you love it, for God’s sake tell him you love it!
If it turns you on, tell him it turns you on!
It doesn’t matter if he only does it once, when he gets it right, if you
ever want to guarantee he’ll do it again, you must encourage and
show real appreciation for this good behavior.
Say:
“When you bring me coffee in the morning in bed it makes me
feel so loved and attracted to you.”
When he arranges dinner, tell him:
“It’s so sexy when a man takes charge and makes plans. Come
here you amazing boyfriend!”
Then as you say it, pull him in for an incredibly sexy kiss.
Matthew Hussey  187
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
When he kisses your neck during foreplay and you like it, moan
and tell him it drives you wild!
So often in life I hear people who don’t give their partners
appreciation for the things they do well, and when they fail to do
this, guess what the result is? The guy stops doing it!
Why? Because he didn’t realize how important it was. She didn’t
give him significance and love for the qualities that were incredible
about him.
Occasionally a guy is going to take some action that makes you
realize why he’s amazing. In that moment, if you want more of it,
you need to let him know how sacred that action was to you.
Tell him what he did, and how it made you feel. Maybe it excited
you, made him look sexy, or made you feel loved and close to him.
Maybe it made you thankful that out of all the guys in the world
you found this one to be your boyfriend.
Whatever it is, tell him!
Now he has the Roadmap and the Drive to meet your needs
whenever he gets the chance!
(2) Pre-frame the behavior – What if your guy doesn’t happen to
naturally do that thing you love? What if he never mows the
lawn so you can’t even tell him how sexy he looks cutting the
grass and reinforce his good behavior?
In this case, you have to pre-frame the behavior so that he wants
to do it in future.
Pre-framing is the idea that you can give him a blueprint for
pleasing you by what you say to him in your everyday life.
188  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
This process begins on the very first date with a guy. For example,
you say to him:
“I love the guys who are surprising. The idea of a guy booking a
trip spontaneously is really sexy.”
See here how you are pre-framing spontaneity?
You are giving him two essential clues to your personality here.
First, you are telling him that you find it sexy when a man is
spontaneous. That alone makes his brain start working on ways he
can be more of the open, life-loving, adventurous guy that turns
you on. Second, you are telling him an example of spontaneity, i.e.
the idea of him booking a surprise trip.
Now don’t get me wrong here, I’m not saying a guy is suddenly
going to start researching the price of a hike up Mount Kilimanjaro,
or Google the cost of flights to Thailand just because you said
spontaneity is sexy.
Rest assured though, he will not forget it.
Men will store away any information that holds the key to turning
you on or making you feel more attracted to us.
If a girl tells me she finds my big biceps sexy, I’m going to curl out
another set in my next gym session.
If she tells me spontaneity is attractive, I’m going to be that bit more
creative in my choices for future dates to take her on.
If she says that she’s turned on by men who are clean, I’m going to
dust my apartment to within an inch of its life before she sees it for
the first time.
Matthew Hussey  189
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Can you now see why it’s so important to pre-frame early on?
It gives you a ridiculous advantage with men before you’ve even
entered a relationship. You are basically handing him the keys to
fulfilling your needs in the early dating stages, and you’ve set your
standards for being attracted at the very beginning prior to starting
a serious relationship.
Remember, you are always communicating your standards to a guy.
Make sure you pay attention to what you encourage in him.
(3) Future projecting
This is similar to pre-framing, but it’s more direct.
Tell him something you would like him to do in the future, for example:
“I would love it if one day we could dress up and go to a fancy
ball together.”
Or:
“I wish one day we could go and learn salsa together.”
It’s just a way of telling him a fantasy of yours, and making him take
note of it for the future.
Think of a fun, compelling vision of the two of you together as a
couple, and say:
“I love the idea of us being away somewhere sunny and working
on our laptops outside on the beach, then jumping in the pool,
having a cocktail, and crazy sex in the evening.”
190  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
This again is just a way of implanting a vision. It gives you
something to think about doing together and something to aspire to.
Think about how much more this will motivate him than saying:
“You never take me anywhere, it’s so boring!”
When you talk about a future project, you make him fantasize
about a life he wants to build with you. When you nag and give him
negative labels, he just sees this as another complaint that comes
with having a girlfriend.
(4) Call on the past
I would hope you’re with your boyfriend because he’s shown you
some amazing traits he has. There were probably a ton of qualities
he showed during the early stages of dating that made you want to
have a long-term relationship.
But perhaps along the way he lost that. Perhaps there are certain
things that became routine, or you both got busy in your lives,
and gradually he stopped some of those exciting and wonderful
behaviors that made you fall for him in the first place.
You still love him, but you wish he had a bit more of that guy he
used to be when you first got together.
One great way of getting your guy to be a better man is to recall
times when he was an amazing boyfriend, but in a positive way.
You might say:
Matthew Hussey  191
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Remember when I got back from visiting my parents last
Christmas and you had lit the candles and cleaned the whole
house when I came home? That was so amazing. It makes me feel
so warm and loved to come home to such an inviting place.”
You are gently guiding him to a time in the past when he nailed it,
and now he knows what to do when you arrive home from your
next trip!
Compliment him on something sweet he did for you in the past
and then share how attracted and special it made you feel. You can
even use this chance to open the door and ask if there was anything
you used to do that he also misses. Turn it into a fun discussion
about moments you have loved about each other and talk about
what you can both do to be happier as a couple in future.
(5) Tell him “I love the idea of [X]”
This one is great.
All you do is tell a guy:
“I love the idea of a guy who holds doors open and takes your
coat when you come in. A guy who protects you and makes you
feel safe, you know? I’d find that so sexy.”
“I’m really attracted to the idea of a boyfriend I can work out with.
Someone who I can take up a sport with and be physical together.”
“I’ve always fantasized about the idea of a guy who takes me to
an art gallery and shows how cultured he is, like in a Woody
Allen movie.”
There is a very subtle reason why this works so well. You are
allowing him to be the first at something. By saying, “I love the
192  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
idea of [X]”, it’s like you are telling him how to fulfill a fantasy
that you’ve never fulfilled with any other guy. This is so much
more romantic because you’re letting him be your first time at
something. He gets a chance to be the one guy who actually does
take you to an art gallery, or who orders the whole meal in French,
or takes up boxing with you. That makes him feel more special and
gets him excited about planning something he knows you’re going
to love.
(6) Give him an identity he wants to live up to
I used to go out regularly with the same group of friends at
university. One of these friends was the most sociable person I’ve
ever met, and whenever he would introduce me to people within
his wide circle of acquaintances, he would always forewarn them:
“This is Matt. Matt is HILARIOUS, just listen to some of his stories
when we get to the bar. They’ll crack you up big time!”
He would say this whilst even chuckling to himself, as though he
couldn’t help but burst into laughter when thinking about my
hilariousness.
Except, I don’t consider myself the funniest guy ever by any stretch
of the imagination. I’m proud of having a good sense of humor and
a love of comedy, but I never identified myself as the ‘funny guy’ in
the friendship group. And now this guy had labeled me as just that.
A guy who is ‘hilarious’.
So guess what happened?
For the rest of the night, I felt like I wanted to be funny because
I’d already enjoyed the validation of the positive identity I’d been
given.
Matthew Hussey  193
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I learnt something important from that experience: People feel the
urge to live up to the identity we give them.
Humans are social animals. We conform to trends, seek to fit in
with crowds, and we want to be liked by others. This means that
when we get an identity from others, particularly one that they
seem to admire, we want to do everything we can to live up to those
people’s view of us.
If I get validation for being intelligent – I’m going to want to keep
reading and learning to have clever things to say. Suppose my
friend introduced me and said: “This is Matt. He reads everything
and knows just about every movie ever made”. Now I’m going to
want to show off my knowledge of popular culture and books and
read even more to keep up with this image.
How does this apply to your relationships?
Easy.
Just give a guy a label that you want him to live up to.
Let’s say you want your man to be an honest and upstanding
guy. And yet, one time you’re both having drinks and he says
something mean about his best friend, or he makes fun of someone
unnecessarily. Tell him:
“No stooop! You’re not mean, you’re kind. It’s what I love about
you.”
In the same way, if he’s overly negative or pessimistic, you can say:
“You’re not cynical. You always find a way. That’s what I love
about you.”
194  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
This is a powerful spell for getting a guy to live up to a standard.
Because you’ve just told him the reason you love him. And now he’s
going to want to be more of that to fit into a role that gives him love.
Choose the identity – and he’ll strive to conform to it.
BONUS TIP:
One Golden Rule - Use the MESSAGE Not the MOOD
Now you can see why you don’t need to sit around waiting for your
guy to stumble around in the dark, hoping that somehow he’ll
figure out what you need.
Nor do you need to make the classic mistake many women make
of suddenly getting in a bad mood with a guy, but never telling him
where this mood has come from or why you are angry with him.
I see women do this over and over again – they get frustrated with
their guy for ‘not getting it’, and decide to spend an entire day (or
week) in a bad mood with him, without ever telling him why they
are upset.
Later that week, a guy will go to his friends and say: “My girlfriend
just gets pissed off sometimes for no reason. She just goes cold on
me I don’t know why.”
And one of his friends will turn around and say: “Women, man.
That’s what they do.”
Matthew Hussey  195
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Key Idea
The reason a guy is scratching his head and trying to figure
out the mystery of why you’re mad at him is because you have
communicated the mood, but not the message.
So all he sees is an irrational girlfriend who he has to calm down,
instead of a loving partner who he wants to make happy.
You’ll notice that all the examples above are about you
communicating the message to him. You are showing him that he
gets love for fulfilling your needs. And you are also communicating
it to him in language that makes him feel special and more like a
man for being able to make you happy (that’s why you use language
like “I’m so attracted to…” or “It really turns me on when…”).
But what if he really screws up? What if you are in a bad mood with
him and he needs to know how unfair and idiotic his behavior is?
Surely you can’t be the loving, fun woman all of the time, right?
Let me just clarify here: I’m not telling you that you’re never
allowed to get mad at a guy in a relationship. That would be a
ridiculous thing to say. It’s like those couples that say: “We’ve never
had a fight one single time in our entire relationship.” I don’t know
whether I believe people or not when they say this, and if it’s true,
then these couples are about as common as unicorns.
For most of us, conflict is an inevitable reality in relationships, even
if it’s only once every couple of months, or even just a few times
a year. Anger builds up. Frustration happens. You drive each other
crazy or feel unloved and neglected. Sometimes the ability to be
angry at each other is genuinely a sign of passion and something to
be encouraged.
196  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
Your job isn’t to avoid every conflict; it is to learn how to deal with
it when it happens. That’s what great communicators do. Weak
communicators avoid the difficult conversations. The best ones
confront and relish the tough talks as a way to learn how to better
express themselves.
Respect is sexy. Never forgo it just because you’re afraid to have a
difficult conversation.
Matthew Hussey  197
Chapter 35
How to Rekindle His Interest After
He Disappears
If you haven’t heard from him for a week, or two weeks, or longer,
you can send one message that will nudge him to get back in touch.
He may have just gotten busy or caught up in family stuff, or
perhaps gone traveling for all you know. I’m not trying to be
optimistic here, I’m just not a big fan of playing the guessing game
with someone’s intentions.
The purpose of a text here is not to ask for anything, but just to put
yourself back on his radar.
Technique #1: Hark back to a memory.
Let’s say at one point he tried to make you a margarita that totally
backfired because he couldn’t remember how, and it turned into a
mess:
“They have amazing margaritas at this cocktail bar.”
“But they are just making me miss your Frankenstein margarita.”
A couple of other examples:
198  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
“Finally watched Inception. One of my new favorite DiCaprio
films!”
“Just found another piece of that plate you broke under my sofa.
I can’t get rid of you.”
Just pick any memory that you both have from a date and send
a short text like this to remind him of it. “I’m sat in that same
whiskey bar where we listened to the live music… jazz music
somehow isn’t as sexy without you in the audience.”
You get the picture.
Technique #2: Send him an enticement message.
This is one that tells him you are doing something fun and makes
him wish he were there.
For example:
“Just out with my friends seeing that cool band [Insert Name] we
talked about. Why aren’t you here!”
“Out at that art gallery you told me about in town. You should be
here right now!”
See how cool this is? You’re not asking him to come and join you,
you’re just telling him that you’re doing something he would love
and pointing out the fact that he isn’t there. Plus, you haven’t
actually put any risk on the line because you’re not saying anything
needy.
You’ve just given him a hook to grab if he wants to get back in touch.
Matthew Hussey  199
Chapter 36
How to Get Him to Pay Attention to You
When He’s “Too Busy”
It’s a common scenario. You are seeing a guy, he seems to want to
see you sometimes, but most of the time he just seems really busy.
Maybe he’s working insanely hard and can barely leave his office.
Maybe he goes on trips with his buddies and becomes completely
unavailable because he’s partying with them. Maybe he just has a
manic month and says he wants to catch up with you when he’s got
more time.
This is a common stage where women tend to lash out, panic, or
become needy and compromise a guy’s feelings of attraction.
When guys say they are ‘super-busy’, there are many ways to read
into it. Maybe he really is just busy at work and he’s a man on a
mission for greater success. Maybe you are one of several women in
his rotation right now and he’s dividing his time between them all.
Maybe he spends most of his free time with friends or family.
This analysis can be done over and over, but it all amounts to the
same thing: you are not his biggest priority right now.
That’s not to say you couldn’t be, but whether he decides to make you
more important or not depends on how ‘high-value’ your response is.
200  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
If you rush things at this point, he will only run further away. This
is a golden chance for you to show your value, to show class, and to
raise yourself in his estimation.
What kills the attraction is you just waiting for him to pick up the
phone and being ready to give him time whenever he feels like it.
If you jump at every tiny window to see him, he’s going to feel like
you’re available whenever he wants. He sees he doesn’t have to plan
at all. He could just text you out of the blue, and you’ll suddenly
run to see him. Then he loses respect for you, and ends up never
making plans in advance again.
Key Idea
Important: If you teach him that last minute planning all works
out, you will be the thing in his life he always plans last.
Which is why you must take the second step: Do not feel the need to
jump at any chance he gives for you to see him.
Let’s say after a week or so of not hanging out he texts you
randomly one night and says: “Are you around to meet up later?”
I’ve noticed women will have one of two kinds of response to this:
The passive response, and the petty response.
Passive response:
“Sure! Where do you wanna meet?”
This response is too much. The guy has already been dictating his
terms and you’re jumping like a seal at the chance to be close again.
Matthew Hussey  201
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
The petty response is the opposite. It’s when you let your pride get
the better of you and attempt to ‘teach him a lesson’ or give him a
piece of your mind:
“Oh not too busy to see me now?”
“Hmm…not sure if I feel like it after you ditched me for the last
two weeks”
“Maybe you should ask another girl, I’m too busy”
These responses don’t help his attraction for you. They don’t even
always do the job of gaining you his respect because instead of
looking calm and unfazed, you seem angry or frustrated – usually a
sign of loss of control.
You might think, “Well, I don’t care what he thinks! He doesn’t get
to treat me like that!”
If that’s the case, don’t bother responding at all. Clearly you’ve made
up your mind and any further texts are a waste of energy.
But if you do like the guy, and want to see if he has the potential to
be better, this is a great chance to show your standard to him.
Here are some different routes you could take with your response,
depending on your situation.
Space Smasher Scripts
1. “Ah, I’m out with my friends so can’t hang tonight. We should
catch up next week though x”
202  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
You are showing you are busy, that he will pay the price of not
seeing you if he asks you too close to the time, and you are not in
a hurry to arrange plans to see him again – that’s his job. You’ve
shown that you would like to see him next week, but you’ve kept
it vague. If he wants to go the extra mile in actually arranging
something on a specific day, he can.
2. “You love giving lots of notice don’t you!”
The beauty of this message is that you call him out on not giving
you any notice, but you don’t actually follow up with a yes or a no.
It’s almost as if the no is implied by the fact that you don’t even
answer his question. He may come back and say:
“I didn’t know I was going to be free tonight! But I’d love to see you”
You can reply:
“I’d like to see you too. Just pick a night when you know you’re
going to be free in advance and we’ll make it happen!”
Remember, he needs to learn that you are the person he has to plan for.
3. “I’m only around if we do what I want to do ; )”
If he wants to be demanding, you can be equally demanding. It’s on
his time? Then it’s your plan. You may want to go bowling, see a
movie, go for drinks… you decide. He doesn’t want to? That’s his
issue; you’re just as happy doing one of the above with a friend
instead.
4. “Oh my God you have time? Lol. Well let me see if I can
squeeze you in ; )”
Matthew Hussey  203
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
You can take this in either direction. You can either follow up with:
“Ok I have a couple of hours after 8 tonight, what did you have in
mind?”
Or:
“Tonight is actually difficult, if you’re free another night in the
next week or two let me know in advance and we’ll make it work”
Q: If you do see him, should you sleep with him or not?
As I was working on this chapter a female friend said to me – it’s
different if you’ve already slept with him, because then if you see
him you’ll be more inclined to sleep with him again. She remarked
that if she hadn’t slept with him yet, then she would not sleep with
him for the first time after he’d been busy and then given short
notice, even if she was going to see him for drinks.
I told her that your standard shouldn’t change just because you’ve
already slept with him. In others words, just because you’ve slept with
someone already it doesn’t mean you should sleep with them more
easily next time if they haven’t lived up to your standards in between
– that’s how you cement yourself in the ‘hookup’ category with him.
If you have been sleeping with him, but he seems to be busy all the
time and calls you on short notice, it doesn’t mean you should keep
sleeping with him. It also doesn’t mean you have to cut him off if
you don’t want to, but if you do see him don’t feel the need to go as
far as you’ve gone before.
Interestingly, a lot of women think that if they sleep with a guy too
soon they’ve ‘blown’ it. This is overly simplistic. You can slow the
pace if you think you went too far too fast.
204  Matthew Hussey
Part 3  How to Talk to Men… So They’ll Change Their Bad Behavior
For example, let’s say you did decide to see him tonight on short
notice. Flirting and sexual banter are fine - don’t lose those and get
too serious. But if he tries to have sex with you, you can say:
“Listen, I’m attracted to you, but maybe we should take it a little
steadier with sleeping together. You seem too busy for this to go
anywhere and I’m not one to just hookup with someone because
I’m attracted to them.”
The beauty of this is that you’ve been able to see him and get him
hooked on you again, but you’ve also shown him he has to invest
more if he doesn’t want to simply plateau at this point.
Another version of this response:
“Let’s slow it down a bit until we know we are actually going
somewhere with this instead of just seeing each other here and
there.”
Another script I like is:
“You seem really busy right now, so we are probably just looking
for different things. It’s all good!”
I love this because at the same time as saying you are looking for
different things, which makes it clear you would like more (in
general, not just from him), you are also saying “It’s all good!” which
shows your relaxed nature. It’s like saying ‘I want more, but if you’re
not it then I’m completely at peace with that’. It makes you high value.
The ultimate message is clear: I’m not going to give you everything
until it’s clear that I’ve become a priority to you. And being a
priority means regularity, and planning in advance.
Matthew Hussey  205
Pa rt 4
How to Talk to Men…
The Hard Questions
Chapter 37
How to Ask if He’s Single
(Without Looking Desperate)
I remember being at a dinner once and talking to a pretty girl sat
opposite me for the entire night. We were giggling, having fun,
being flirty – I was convinced that there was great sexual chemistry.
I had been single for a while and allowed myself to get more than
intrigued: “This woman’s amazing” I thought to myself. I knew
it was going well (or I thought it was), until hours later when we
were drinking wine and chatting on our mutual friend’s couch, she
casually said in mid-conversation, “I’m so exhausted from work at
the moment. I can’t wait for my trip with my boyfriend this weekend”.
I was momentarily crushed. I had spent a good four hours chatting
to this woman and never once did I stop to find out if she was even
single.
First, I felt like she has misled me. I felt it was her fault for not
mentioning that she was spoken for much sooner.
But then I realized: it was my fault for never finding out.
Part of me was probably worried that she would be taken, and so
I never bothered to stray into the area of asking whether she was
single or not.
Matthew Hussey  209
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
It was an important lesson: Don’t avoid asking the question just
because you fear the answer (or because you feel you’ll seem
desperate for asking). You just need to know HOW.
How Do You Ask the Question?
It would be an easier world if every guy walked around with a tag
on their shirt that said “Single” or “Taken”, but alas, making things
easy doesn’t seem to be high on the world’s agenda when it comes
to figuring out which guys are spoken for and which are free agents.
But most people make too big a deal of this. They think it must be
too obvious or forward to just ask a guy if he’s single.
Once you’ve been talking to a guy for, say, twenty minutes, there’s
no reason it should be weird to bring up the topic of relationships.
In fact, if you go for an hour without speaking about it at all, I’d
venture to say that it’s because you’re being unduly nervous about
approaching the topic, instead of being confident and relaxed.
It’s a general rule of life that things are as big a deal as we make of
them.
If you casually throw in a question to a guy to ask if he’s single, and
do it as part of natural conversation, he’s going to just think you’re
curious, rather than assume you’re hitting on him.
Here are a couple of ways to find out if he’s single:
1. Bring up the subject of relationships
Move the topic to relationships and throw in a reference that forces
him to reveal his relationship status.
210  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
E.g. Start a conversation about your friend who is in a new
relationship.
“I don’t know if you’re in a relationship right now, but my friend
Jenny is in that first 6-month honeymoon phase with her guy,
and I barely see her at all.”
Now when it’s his turn to talk, he’ll tell you whether he’s single or
not.
2. Ask him in a curious way
You don’t generally want to point-blank say to a guy, “Are you
single?”, but you can ask him as part of your curiosity in relation to
a larger conversation.
For example, if you live in a city, you could say to him:
“Have you been in a relationship in this town? Do you find it
different dating here?”
Or be more direct and say:
“Do you have a girlfriend in this city?”
The effectiveness of this all depends on how you say it. It needs to
sound very offhand, as though you’re just curious about his love
life, but not like you’re trying too hard to be a part of it.
If you’re more confident, you can be even more direct and cute
about it.
Matthew Hussey  211
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
For example, say you’ve both been talking about how much you
love rock concerts. You can say to him:
“Do you have a girlfriend to at least take with you to all these
cool shows?”
If he says no, you can playfully shoot back:
“Ah, why not? Concerts are always more fun when you have
someone to kiss during the show.”
Finally, you can just ask:
“So what do you normally do on weekends?”
And see if he says the words ‘we’ instead of ‘I’ when he talks about
what he usually does. If he tells you he went to a concert or a party
this weekend, you can also say:
“That’s so cool, who’d you go with?”
What if You Already Have His Number?
Sometimes you’ll get a guy’s phone number and still not be entirely
sure if he has a girlfriend.
In this case, after some texting back and forth, you can adopt a
playful state of mind and ask him in a jokey way.
For example:
212  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
“Why is a charming lawyer like you still single?”
“How come a guy like you hasn’t found a lady at this university
yet?”
“Why would a comic-book loving real-estate broker not have a
girlfriend yet?”
These have a great mix of being fun whilst also being direct, asking
outright whether or not he is in a relationship right now.
If you want to be more direct, say:
“If you’re not seeing anyone we should catch up sometime.”
Any self-respecting guy has now had a good chance to tell you if
he’s seeing someone. He could still lie at this point of course, but
that part is not within your power to control.
Matthew Hussey  213
Chapter 38
How to Show You’ve Got Options
(and Make Yourself Even More Desirable)
Dating between busy people can present unique challenges.
Some people have a wide social circle and lots of options regarding
what to do and where to go on a Friday and Saturday night.
These types are often reticent to give their whole Friday or Saturday
to someone they hardly know. Maybe you get each other’s phone
number, and although you wouldn’t mind meeting a guy for
an hour or two, you don’t want to invest a whole evening on
something that may or may not go anywhere.
Moreover, it’s more attractive when you convey that you are
someone who has many options for their night and doesn’t too
readily hand over their time to some guy they hardly know.
I’m not saying you want to be the person that shows up at 2AM,
and even then only gives him half an hour. You want to cultivate
the vibe that you are up for a cocktail or two and going somewhere
fun, but you might also go catch up with your friends from work
later on, and if all goes well with him, you can always catch up
again over the next few days.
Let’s take an example of how this may look in practice:
214  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
Friday night texts (could equally be a phone call):
Him: Hey, we should do something this weekend.
You: Sure, are you out tomorrow night?
Him: I’m supposed to be going to this thing with my friends
downtown.
You: Nice! I’m with friends tomorrow night too, maybe the two
of us can grab a drink together beforehand.
I’m a big believer in the early stages of enjoying these short bursts
of time together. You don’t even need to see this as a date. It’s just
a meet-up to enjoy each other’s company for an hour or two. Cool,
busy people don’t always have time to spend a whole evening with a
stranger. If it’s a guy you barely know, it’s better to dip your toe and
you can always take things further later on if you decide you like
him.
What’s more, if you’re dating a busy, cool guy, he’s probably not
going to immediately invest in a long dinner and entire evening
until he’s sure how he feels either.
If it turns out to be the best date ever and he has the brain of a
neuro-scientist, the face of Ryan Gosling, and the body of a Calvin
Klein model, and you both are having the time of your lives, you
can always choose to extend the date spontaneously and see where
the night takes you. Your friends can handle you arriving a little
late.
But assuming you’re just getting to know him a bit better, starting
out with this kind of early ‘testing the water’ vibe is a great way to go.
You meet up, have a casual date and hang out together, and
afterwards, you get the bonus that once you leave you’re both going
to miss each other when you are separated and with your own
friends again.
Matthew Hussey  215
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
You can even spend the rest of the night ratcheting up the tension
by texting each other once the date is over.
Another couple of reasons I’m really fond of this idea of meeting up
with a guy on an evening when you are already with friends:
-
You give the impression of being attractive and sought-after
company. The whole night isn’t just about you and him.
-
He can see you dressed to the nines and are wearing killer
heels, but not have the thought that you put in all of that
effort just for him. It just so happens that he saw you on a
night when you were dressed like that anyway. He knows
you may be going dancing later with your friends (which
he’ll be imagining after your date with him is over!).
What could be a more perfect interaction to build desire than
meeting up with him, looking hot and having a short, sexy time,
then leaving to do your own thing? It’s the perfect plan.
Now, what if it’s the other way around? What if you’ve both missed
the opportunity to see each other at the beginning of the night but
he’s keen on seeing you at the end of it?
I remember a situation exactly like this.
I was texting someone trying to arrange the pre-night-out drink,
and we both ran out of time. Here’s how it went:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Let’s get together now before we go out.
I’m actually running a little late getting ready.
Okay, no worries, hopefully our paths will cross later on.
I’m sure we can make it happen.
Before I continue this brief story, I want to point out how much I
like her last text. Instead of trying to over compensate by saying
216  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
“Me too! I really want to see you, what part of town are you going
to be in?” she just made a very clear and certain statement. It
showed confidence, ease, and a laid back attitude to it all, whilst
still showing interest. It made me crazy about wanting to catch up
with her.
We exchanged a couple of texts during the night. A few: “What part
of town are you in?” type messages, which for a few hours were
futile because we both kept moving between different bars and
being elusive.
But, around midnight, she sent me this text:
“My friends are too drunk and crazy right now for me to handle.
I’m gonna come to you for a little bit” (this is assuming he’s still out
in a sociable and safe environment of course; I’m not suggesting for
one second that you go to his place if he’s already home).
(Side note: It’s worth pointing out that this took place in New York
on a Saturday night. Though midnight may be late on a Saturday
in some places, New York isn’t one of them. If you are reading this
thinking there is some sort of implication of a booty call here,
I want you to think about it more as though it was 8pm and she
was coming to meet me at the bar I was at. I should also say that
we had seen each other in person prior to this happening. The first
time we met wasn’t online, it was during the day time. So we at least
had some idea that we weren’t meeting up with a crazy person. I
wouldn’t advise doing this if you’ve never met the guy in question.)
Notice that her message actually reinforces the idea that nothing
inappropriate is going to happen. When she tells me her friends
are drunk and too crazy for her, she is telling me that she’s not
drunk, nor acting crazy. She’s coming to meet me to get away from
the crazy behavior, not to get into more of it. The undertone is, “I
am going to be level-headed and keep my wits about me in case
you were wondering,” and her friends were the perfect device for
Matthew Hussey  217
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
showing me this. Whether or not it was true hardly matters. This
gives me my cue on how to behave when she gets there – sensibly
and respectfully.
Then when she tells me she’s coming to me “for a little bit,” she’s
making sure I know that her intention is to have a drink and leave
again. She is in effect pre-framing the situation with me before she
even gets there. Cool, eh?
A Warning About Late Night Texts
Let’s go back to our original example of successfully meeting him
for a drink before you go out.
Once you have left each other, it’s highly likely you will still be
texting during your night.
He may try to get you to meet up with him again later that night.
You might get a “wish you were here” type message from him,
especially if he has had a couple of drinks after seeing you.
This is all sweet and innocent at this stage, but what if you get a
1AM or 2AM message from him asking you to come to his place
“for a drink before bed”?
If he does this, just shoot him over a cute, flirty message, but one
that also tells him it’s not going to happen tonight. E.g.
“Two hot people getting together this late spells trouble ;), but
I’m around tomorrow afternoon - give me a call in the morning
if you want to do something.”
Now you’ve thrown him a little compliment (as well as yourself
which shows playful certainty). You’ve subtly said no, but still let
218  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
him know that you are interested in being in a semi spontaneous
follow up date if he’s around tomorrow. It’s also clever to say “call
me in the morning if you want to do something,” because it’s your
way of setting a standard, i.e. “calling me in the afternoon is too
late”. Notice also we have given the instruction to “call” not text,
which indicates a higher standard. Lastly, you haven’t made the
amateur mistake of arranging something for the next day at 2AM
when he may be tipsy and more forward than he’ll be tomorrow. It
shows confidence that you are telling him to let you know the next
day when he is sober and has to make the decision to see you fresh.
Matthew Hussey  219
Chapter 39
How to Know When (and How Much)
to Open Up About Your Past
Are you never sure when to bring up that messy divorce your
parents went through, or that traumatic break-up in your past, or
that difficult secret you only share with your closest friends?
In a new relationship, too many people want to hit fast-forward and
become closest intimates with their new guy.
While it might give you a warm feeling to have someone who
completely understands and accepts every scrap of your past and
who you are, I have to be honest: if you share too much too soon,
you’re going to scare him off.
Not because he’s judgmental, but because guys feel uneasy if they
are let in on all your insecurities and troubles too quickly. It’s like
he is being handed your baggage and asked to deal with it before he
has had a chance to fall in love with you.
So here are some general principles for when to open up, and when
to play it safe.
220  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
1. You must have real intimacy first
Imagine you made a new friend, and within one week they told you
about how they had an abortion as a teenager and suddenly became
emotional and upset during a casual lunch.
Although you would feel sympathy, you would probably feel like
it was way too much too soon (because it’s an unearned level of
intimacy).
It’s the same when you open up to a guy.
You may have many painful private moments to share, and trading
these stories with your partner is part of what makes relationships
stronger. But if you bring this up too quickly, before you’ve spent
a number of months together getting closer, you’ll make him feel
scared.
A guy needs to feel like he is being let into a world that no one else
sees. If you bare all too soon, he’ll feel like this is a sad story you
share with anyone who will listen, rather than it being because you
have a close relationship with him.
Key Idea
Always ask yourself: has the relationship earned this level of
intimacy? Just because you want to share with anyone who will
listen doesn’t mean you necessarily should with people you don’t
know well. You need to wait until you know this is a man you
have trust and respect with.
Moreover: NEVER open up just to get attention or sympathy – only
do it because it’s bringing you closer together.
Matthew Hussey  221
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
2. Let him in one step at a time
Mystery is good in the early stages of a relationship. A guy doesn’t
need to hear all of the issues with your parents in the first couple
of weeks: in those early dating stages, your only focus should be
having fun and building good feelings.
Key Idea
In the first couple of weeks: in those early dating stages, your
only focus should be having fun and building good feelings.
Wait until you both have trust and let him in gradually. Open up a
little one night when you chat in bed, then let the conversation go.
You must show him that even when you open up, you don’t need to
dwell on the past. You can talk about things without letting them
affect you the next day.
Remember: your baggage is not his baggage – so make sure you
don’t treat him like a luggage carousel, here to take on whatever bag
of worries and troubles you have to unload.
3. Keep it relevant
Don’t open up just because you think you should. Wait until a
relevant conversation and time.
If you want to talk about your parents devastating divorce, wait
until you are alone, having a conversation about tough moments in
your life. Don’t blindside him and say it in the middle of a happy
moment – wait until you are both in the appropriate mental place
for that kind of conversation.
222  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
You want to do it when you are both sharing with each other, rather
than when you’re both enjoying a fun moment.
4. Own your story
Whenever you recount a painful moment, an insecurity, or a bad
experience, show that you own the ending of the story. Make it
clear that one bad experience is not going to defeat you and that
you are strong enough to move forward with positivity despite the
past.
This makes him see that you are opening up to share, not just to
vent on something you still haven’t gotten over.
Whatever your story is, OWN IT, and talk about it from a positive
perspective, not a defeatist one where you see ‘welcome to my
baggage’.
If you open up too quickly, you come across as an over-sharer who
spills your secrets too easily. If done at the appropriate times, these
private experiences build intimacy and closeness.
Matthew Hussey  223
Chapter 40
How to Answer When He Says: “How Many
Men Have You Slept With?”
Some questions are tough not because you don’t know the answer,
but because you don’t really want to answer.
One of these questions is when a guy asks you straight up how
many men you have slept with.
How do you handle that moment?
Can you just count your boyfriends, and not casual hook-ups?
Does he expect an exact number, or just a general idea (e.g. under
10 or over 20)? Is it wrong to lie about it?
The truth can hurt. You have to decide how important it is for you
to be specific with him.
The first thing to remember is that you don’t have to answer any
question you don’t want to.
This is a tricky one though, because in many respects it is none of
your guy’s (or anyone’s) business to know the entire gamut of your
intimate history.
224  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
And yet another part of you says: “We are supposed to be a couple.
Doesn’t that mean we should share details together and be open
about everything?”
With this in mind, here are your options:
1. Politely dismiss the question as unimportant
Just because someone asks you a question it doesn’t mean you have
to answer it. Despite what the absolutists might say about the value
of the truth, some questions are not helpful to your relationship.
“How many people have you slept with?” might be one of them.
Adam Carolla once said on Love Line, “Less history, more mystery”.
He may have had a point when it comes to issues like this.
So your first option is to not take the question at face value.
Understand that him asking this question is usually coming from
a place of insecurity, wanting to feel important, and wanting to feel
like the woman he is with is ‘high value’ and therefore not ‘easy’ for
other guys to get in the past.
If you are dismissing the question, don’t be cold or defensive about
it or it will look like you are trying to hide something. Instead,
warmly say to him:
“Baby, let’s not ask each other those kinds of questions. I don’t
want to know those details of your past because it’ll only make
me jealous and put images in my head, so I’d rather we just focus
on us now. I’m not saying that because I think you wouldn’t
like the answer, I just think you and I together now is what’s
important. Our past is behind us so it’s much more fun to focus
on us, not other people who we don’t even care about anymore.”
Matthew Hussey  225
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Obviously you don’t have to say all of that in one breath. In reality
you may just start with:
“Do we really have to have this conversation? I feel like it’s one
that just makes both of us feel jealous and have to think about
things that aren’t nice to think about, now that we are with each
other. Can’t we just be in the present and not think about other
people from the past?”
He may then say: “I feel like you are saying that because you think I
won’t like the answer.”
To which you can calmly respond:
“No not at all, I just know that no matter what we say, it still
involves us thinking of each other with other people, and I don’t
think that’s where our focus should be. It should be on each
other. You’re the most handsome man in the world to me and I’m
not thinking about anyone else, just you. None of that other stuff
is important. I’m with YOU, and I don’t want anyone else. That’s
all that matters, right?”
Obviously here I’m writing as if you are close by this stage and can
say these kinds of things. You may ask: “Well how do I dismiss the
question if it’s early on in the relationship and he asks me?”
That’s actually easier. If someone asks it before you are close, you
can say:
“I don’t think that’s a very respectful question for you to ask me.
And I don’t think it’s very important. I like you, I don’t want to
think about people from the past and make it a focus. Let’s talk
about something more interesting.”
226  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
Q: What if I have been ‘easy’ in the past but I want to look high
value to him?
I mentioned that he wants to feel he’s with a special woman who is
hard to get.
Look, most of us have had our ‘easy’ moments in the past. But we
all want to feel like our partner is ours for a special reason and
couldn’t have just been had by anybody.
So how do you make him feel you are high value in this situation?
Don’t buy into the belief that as a woman you are ‘lower’ value if
you’ve had more sex. This is a sexist myth. Your value is how much
you bring to the relationship, and how great you are as a person.
And yes, you may have been with other people, but do they still
have you today? No. You are choosing now to give yourself to this
man, and that is the real gift. The winner is not all those men in the
past who got you for a brief fleeting moment. The real winner is the
man who has you now, and will still get to have you tomorrow.
2. State the truth nonchalantly
I understand why you might feel obliged to share. If you do, be sure
not to act like it’s a big deal.
Don’t talk about it like it’s baggage. Just be matter of fact.
You can still start by attempting to casually dismiss the question:
“Do we really have to talk about this? I feel like it’s so irrelevant
to us together…”
If he persists you can either give the exact number, e.g. “8”, or be a
little less specific and say:
Matthew Hussey  227
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I guess between 10 and 15, I haven’t kept exact count throughout
my life.”
(Who should, by the way? The counting part is stranger to me than
the number itself).
If you tried to dismiss the question as per our first option and he
won’t let it go, you can feel free to be honest with him about the
number, but I would also remind him:
“I’m happy to tell you if you really want to know, but your
insistence on this isn’t attractive. We should be focused on the
present, not parts of our past that have no bearing on us as a
couple.”
Always remember that you set the tone. If it isn’t a big deal to you,
it’s far less likely to be a big deal to him. And if he ever tries to
demonize your past by talking about how much he doesn’t like it,
make clear to him that you are focused on the present, not the past,
and he should be too.
And keep reminding yourself that as long as you make him feel
important, and show him how high value you are in the nature of
your response, you will have made the most of the situation.
3. Lie
Pretty self-explanatory here. Just tell him the number you want him
to think. Not my favorite choice because lying can quickly become
a habit in a relationship, even if we tell ourselves we are just doing it
this once, about this thing.
228  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
There are those who would argue that he’ll never find out, so why
give him an answer that’s hard for him to digest? If you are going to
be monogamous with him now, what difference does it make?
The moral question is yours to decide.
4. Be vague and classy
There are a couple of fun responses to this question that allow you
to avoid answering directly whilst at the same time portraying what
you want him to see.
When he asks: “How many people have you slept with?” you can say:
“This is not a fun thing for us to talk about, I certainly don’t want
to know from you. Believe me, it’s a lot less than you think!”
A variation on this would be:
“This is not a fun thing for us to talk about, I certainly don’t want
to know from you. It’s a lot less than you, trust me : )”
To summarize:
Just like any of the ‘scripts’ in this program, you can adjust them to
your personality and situation. However, here are a few key points
to remember:
You don’t have to answer literally
You don’t always have to directly answer the question he asks you.
Us men can be masochists in the questions we ask. We know the
answer will hurt but we still feel incapable of not asking it. Don’t
feel forced to take the bait.
Matthew Hussey  229
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Don’t make it baggage
If it’s not baggage to you, it will be harder for him to make it
baggage. Don’t make it a big deal. If anything, downplay its
importance and move on. If he sees you not giving it weight, he’s
more likely to realize he was making too much of it. Don’t be
ashamed of your past, there’s no need to attach undue emotion to it
just because he is.
Remind him how important he is
His ego is hurting him, so help him feel important. The more
special he feels in relation to people you’ve been with in the past,
the less he will care. Reminding him just how amazing he is, and
just how much he makes you forget the other people in your past
won’t hurt.
Show him your ‘real’ value (which has nothing to do with who
you’ve slept with)
He wants to feel he’s with a special woman who is hard to get. You
may have had your ‘easy’ moments in the past, but those men
couldn’t meet your needs which is why they aren’t here today.
Your value is high no matter who you’ve been with in the past, and
it’s determined by who you decide to give your energy to on an
ongoing basis. The real winner is the man you are with today.
Watch for red flags
Remember, if the man you are with is obsessed with your sexual
history, you should make him aware that it is unattractive on his
behalf, instead of allowing him to put you on the defensive and
justify your actions. Guys who belittle you and judge you for your
past in this way are likely to do this in all kinds of ways down the
line, so don’t ignore the red flag.
230  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 41
How to Answer The Question:
“Why Are You Still Single?”
“Why are you still single?”
How about because you like to spread out over your entire double
bed starfish-style and just can’t envision fitting anyone else into that
arrangement?
How about because you already dated Prince Charming but he
ended up having a mid-life crisis and running away?
The question is annoying, you probably hate answering it, but it
comes up nevertheless.
With some games, the only trick to winning is not to play them in
the first place.
Key Idea
Rule No. 1 is not to engage with the basic premise of the
question, i.e. that there is something inherently negative about
being single. It also assumes single is not a choice. But it is. By
being single you’ve decided not to be in a relationship unless you
find someone you really want one with.
Matthew Hussey  231
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
And that’s all you have to say:
“I love my life how it is right now. If I’m going to have a
relationship then it needs to be something really special.”
You can also try:
“I really enjoy the freedom of being single. If someone special
came along I’d think about being committed, but it’s not
something I do easily.”
Part of what you want to communicate is that you barely think
about it. Your mindset is: I’m open to meeting someone great, but I’m
not about to force a relationship for the sake of it.
Another way of saying this is:
“It’s a good question, I don’t really ask it of myself too much. I’m
just having fun and seeing where life takes me.”
This is what makes him hope he can change your mind. He thinks,
“I’m someone great. Maybe I could be good enough to make her
want to commit.”
Remember, you want him feeling he needs to convince you to be
in a relationship with him by showing how great he is, not feeling
like you are in the market for a relationship and he simply needs to
rescue you from being single.
232  Matthew Hussey
Part 4  How to Talk to Men… The Hard Questions
Key Idea
Make yourself a cautious buyer in the relationship market, not a
desperate seller.
Now you’re answering what could have been an insecure-looking
conversation with a way that gives you the power and raises your
value in his eyes.
Matthew Hussey  233
Pa rt 5
How to Talk to Men…
About Sex
Chapter 42
How to Have the Condom Conversation
(Without it Being Awkward)
It’s a shame that many people still believe a condom is a mood killer.
I won’t labor you with the sex education discussion on why
condoms are important, but even as an adult who practices safe sex,
the statistics on the subject are still shocking to me.
In a recent campaign I did with Trojan condoms, it was revealed to
me that the vast number of new couples stop using condoms at a
point in their relationship where they barely even know who each
other are, let alone their sexual history.
I’m convinced this is in no small part because of the inability and
reluctance to face the subject head-on when our partner wants to
stop using them, and the low standards people have for themselves.
So here I want to address the issue of how to actually deal with
the awkward moments when the guy you are with doesn’t want to
wear a condom, and what you should be saying to him in those
moments.
Let’s suppose he didn’t bring a condom. Some guys who do this will
be just as prudent as you and decide not to have sex. Oh well, no
hard feelings, better luck next time.
Matthew Hussey  237
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
But what if he suggests having sex regardless? What if, moreover,
he’s a guy you’ve been seeing for a few weeks and he assures you he’s
been tested and has a clean bill of health?
Now you have a dilemma.
If you insist on him still wearing one are you going to insult him?
Will he think you don’t trust him?
No.
Because all you say is this:
“Look, I love having sex with you and being with you, but I just
don’t take those chances. I use condoms when I have sex for my
own safety. It’s just something I stick to.”
He can choose at any time whether to accept this or not.
(Whether you choose to forgo condoms and use alternative birth
control is up to you. Here I am simply giving you what to say to
assert your standard if you wish to continue using one.)
Never allow him to make it an issue of trust. This is about feeling
safe, and whatever you need to feel safe is the standard you live by.
If he’s your boyfriend and he says he doesn’t want to use condoms,
but you still do, sit him down at some point (preferably do this in a
neutral environment, not in the bedroom when you’re about to get
down to it) and tell him:
238  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
“I’ve been thinking about what you said about not wanting
to use them, and I completely understand. I care about you
and I want to feel as close to you as possible, but right now
it’s important to me that we keep using them. It has nothing
to do with not trusting you, it’s just important for me to feel
comfortable because then I can really let loose and have an
amazing time with you.”
The key rules of communication here are: stick to your standard,
make it about you not about him, and stress the positives.
If he says he wants you to go on the pill so he can stop using them,
don’t hesitate to tell him you need to both get a sexual health check
first.
Just reply:
“We need to get checked out before we stop using them because
we need to know for sure we are all good. I’m not ready to stop
using condoms until we do that. It’s important to me to feel
completely protected. At some point we can go and get tested
together.”
If he says, “I told you I’m okay. Why don’t you believe me, don’t you
trust me?”
You can say:
“Of course I trust you, but it’s important for my peace of mind,
even if you just humor me.”
Always remember the onus is on him to prove he’s trustworthy, not
on you to take him at his word.
Matthew Hussey  239
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
You could also add:
“Wouldn’t you be less attracted to me if I was the kind of woman
who just stopped using condoms without much bother? That
would mean I’ve been that way in the past with other people. At
least you know it’s in my nature to be really careful, I would hope
you like that about me.”
Always have condoms at your place just in case you’re with a guy
who doesn’t carry them. Some women worry about the message
that will give to a guy about how promiscuous they are. Know that
it has nothing to do with promiscuity; it has to do with being health
conscious if the occasion arises. If he judges you for having a stock
of condoms, say to him:
“Look, I don’t have to sell you on the idea I don’t sleep around.
You either know me or you don’t, and if you think that about me
you probably shouldn’t date me.”
If it’s a new partner who is pushing to not use a condom, say to him:
“You wouldn’t have sex with someone without a condom would
you? Do you do that regularly yourself?”
Make it clear that it’s a turn-off when someone isn’t responsible in
this area, and expect him to play by your rules in this area.
If a guy doesn’t get on board with that, he doesn’t get on board with
you. Simple.
The other mistake people make is in thinking that condoms can’t
be sexy. I may be in the minority, but I disagree. Anything that
240  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
reminds me that I’m about to have sex with someone I’m attracted
to is exciting to me.
You can even say to him:
“You have to teach me how to put this on, I want to do this for
you sometimes because it will turn me on.”
Don’t be afraid to bring it into your foreplay and have fun with it.
You can also say:
“This may sound strange but when you reach for the drawer to
get a condom, it’s a turn-on for me because it reminds me I’m
about to have you.”
Once again we are conditioning him to associate positively with
something you want him to do.
Bottom line: never let someone push you to do something you’re
not comfortable with. The sexiest thing you have is your standard,
so don’t lose it under peer pressure.
Matthew Hussey  241
Chapter 43
How to Get Him to Have Sex
the Way YOU Want
Sex is a very fragile thing in a relationship. I think we take
on a large responsibility when we decide to have a long-term
relationship with someone. It’s not just about the responsibility to
spend time with the one we love, or to listen to their problems, or
to be there for them emotionally. We must also be there for them
sexually.
This is true of both men and women. I once heard that when sex is
good it’s 20% of the relationship, when it’s bad, it’s 80%.
When we start a relationship with someone, like it or not, we are in
no small part responsible for their sexual satisfaction. Perhaps even
more importantly, we play a huge role in their sexual ego.
For example, when we deny our partners sex on a regular basis,
we are showing them that the one person they CAN have sex
with doesn’t want to have sex with them. It’s not simply one of
many rejections they are getting from different people. It’s a sexual
rejection from the only person they can be rejected by. They can’t
go anywhere else. They don’t have the option of simply saying to
themselves: “Well you don’t want me so I’ll try with someone else
tonight.” It’s sex with us or no sex.
242  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
This is an obvious point that most people forget when they
casually toss aside the importance of sex in their relationship.
And believe me, I’ve heard this time and again from people: “Oh
why is everything about sex all the time? There’s far more to a
relationship.” Usually when someone says this they have tipped
their hand. I rarely hear this from people with healthy sex lives.
They aren’t afraid of the conversation because they are secure in it.
And also, who are they to decide on their own how important sex is
to the relationship? Their partner may tell a different story of how
important it is to them.
My primary aim in this chapter is to give you some quick
techniques to help you enjoy sex more with your partner by being
able to express your needs and make him feel wonderful in the
process.
Firstly, and I will say this on behalf of all men everywhere,
including myself…
Help us ladies!
Secret About Men
We want to know what pleases you, and we can’t just know it all
on our own. No matter how much experience we’ve had, every
woman is different. Each woman has a way that she likes to be
touched, a certain pressure, a speed, a place, a desire that is hers.
We want to know what that is.
Maybe you want him to be more in control, more spontaneous,
more energetic, more giving, more slow, more of a tease, more wild
– whatever it is, you’re not quite getting what you need and you just
wish you could guide him towards pleasing you more.
Matthew Hussey  243
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
The good news is, you can help. Here’s how:
1. Don’t be afraid to tell him what you want
It doesn’t need to happen all at once. It’s not as though the first time
you ever sleep with a guy you need to tell him everything he’s doing
wrong and everything you want instead that he’s not doing right
now. That would be likely to shut him down for next time.
Feel free to let him do his thing, to show you his ‘favorite’ moves
and the parts he thinks he’s good at.
But at some point, bit by bit, show him what you really like, or
would like him to do. Too many women are too afraid of being
open about what they want, either because they are embarrassed,
they don’t want to hurt him, or because they are in ‘people-pleaser’
mindset where they make it all about him and not about their own
enjoyment. Oftentimes us men get the most enjoyment when we
know you are feeling pleasure, so show us how!
Here’s what not to do when you do this:
i. Express boredom and anger – e.g. he does something wrong
and you say, “Ugh…I’m not into this. I’m turned off ” – this is
MEGA RED-FLAG language.
Assuming he didn’t do anything way out of line or cross a
boundary, this kind of phrase should never leave your mouth. You
are crushing his self-esteem and making him associate negative
feelings to being intimate with you.
ii. Start acting like a coach – Don’t patronize him. Do not say
anything like, “Okay, let me show you what to do” – this is
embarrassing and makes him just feel inept in the bedroom.
244  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
The truth is, he isn’t inept. Perhaps he’s just inexperienced, or he
just doesn’t know what you like yet. That’s fine. We all have to
learn about our partner’s likes and dislikes when we are with a new
sexual partner.
Let me offer you a better way…
2. When you do tell him, look forwards not backwards
Think about what you want him to do, not what you don’t like
that he’s doing now. When you tell us any version of “you’re doing
it wrong”, we are likely to have our egos bruised and retreat. The
worst effect of this is that he doesn’t want to try new things on you
in the future for fear of being vulnerable to your bad rating again.
A much better approach is to simply steer him in the right
direction, kindly, and subtly.
For example, let’s say when he’s rubbing your clitoris he is applying
too much pressure and it’s not allowing you to get warmed up.
Instead of saying, “I don’t like when you do that”, say:
“I really like it when you are gentle with me, can you do it like
this…”
…Then show him.
When he does it the way you like it (feel free to show him with your
hands) then say:
“Oh my God that feels so good, please keep doing that.”
This gives him immediate validation for it.
Matthew Hussey  245
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I like to think of it this way:
Don’t give him a bad report card, give him a treasure map.
If you like a particular position (say, him behind you), here you can
be very direct and specific. E.g.
“I want you to take me from behind. It’ll turn me on so much.”
In my experience, women are more bashful about leading men in
the bedroom than they need to be. The only rule is that you always
come from a place of telling him what will turn you on, instead of
telling him that he’s doing it wrong, or currently turning you off.
Be as open and as specific as you like. Just make sure he knows that
you are doing it to get him to be more of the man you already love.
3. Afterwards, act like it was his idea in the first place
When you are finished, both lying there relaxing, say to him:
“That was so hot the way you touched me. It was perfect.”
You can even say this the next day while you’re at work. You could
text him:
“I keep thinking about the way you were touching me last
night, it’s turning me on while I’m at my desk. You’re so sexy it’s
ridiculous.”
This is much better than drawing attention to the fact that you
showed him by saying something like:
246  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
“It was so much better when you started touching me in the way
I showed you, the way you were doing it was too rough.”
4. The next time he does it on his own, make him feel special
Sticking with the theme of making him feel like it was his idea, the
next time he does it say:
“You know exactly how I like it.”
You could even throw in:
“That’s why you’re my man, you know my body so well.”
By saying this you actually turn it into a positive that he has learnt
things about your body. It makes him feel indispensable. It makes
him feel he has earned the right to please you.
5. When he is even close to doing something you want, nurture it
If he does anything even leaning in the right direction to turning
you on, encourage the hell out of it.
In a previous chapter I talked about the importance of reinforcing a
guy’s good behaviors and how much this would make him want to
please you more. This is crucial in sex as well.
So maybe you want him to kiss you or for him to put his tongue in
a certain place. Maybe you want him to be more dominant and in
control.
Whenever he does something close to this, say to him:
Matthew Hussey  247
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Oh God, it turns me on so much when you just grab me like that.”
Or when he starts kissing you where you like, say:
“Oh that feels sooo good. Do it more!”
(Make moaning noises as he does it too so he gets the message.)
Guys are always searching for your sexual buttons. The minute he
pushes one, let him know. Even outside the bedroom, if he picks
you up and carries you, or comes and grabs you from behind and
kisses your neck, if that’s your thing, tell him:
“It drives me wild when you’re spontaneous. I might have to
jump you right now if you don’t stop.”
Notice in this last example that you are telling him the quality you
love (i.e. “spontaneity”) – sometimes it’s not one action you love but
a specific quality – in those cases, tell him the quality itself so he
makes a mental note to be that way in other areas more often.
6. Do it his way sometimes
A huge part of what creates sexual reciprocity is when we see our
partner going out of their way to do the things we like. This is what
is missing in so many relationships: the idea of “I WANT to please
you” and “You and I are a team in pleasing each other, we are here
to unlock each other’s sexual needs and serve them.”
I don’t have a place for righteous pride when it comes to sex in a
relationship. I see it as my job to make sure that my partner fulfills
her sexual fantasies and can open up and tell me what they are. I
248  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
think that is the basis for a healthy sex life: “How can I make your
fantasies come true? What do we need to do?”
So don’t be proud. Figure out what he likes too, and have fun taking
turns. Sometimes you will do things exactly the way he likes to
do them because you want to experience sex on his terms. Other
times, it will be on yours. Just don’t forget to have your turn!
7. Feel free to tell him what you want at odd times
Let’s imagine that in our example above you feel that it has been
one too many times since you have had it the way you like it. Don’t
be afraid to bring it up, even in the middle of the day. For example:
“I can’t wait to have you when we get home and see each other
tonight. Can we ‘make love’ tonight? I feel like I really need to be
close to you tonight in a loving and gentle way. Can we do that?”
(Not meaning to stereotype here… for all I know there’s been too
much sweet gentle love making and it’s rough sex you’re looking for
tonight!)
He now has his roadmap before he even gets home.
Ironically, a great time to bring up things you would like in a totally
innocuous way is in an innocent moment away from the bedroom.
You could be walking in a park together when he grabs your ass.
Use that as your opportunity to say:
“I’d really love it if you spanked me more. I love it when you take
control and make me feel naughty.”
Matthew Hussey  249
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
It may be that he’s never spanked you before. But the insinuation
that you already love it when he makes you feel naughty will simply
make the spanking feel like an extension of that.
Once again, you are framing it in a positive way, and since you are
doing it away from the bedroom, it’s an idea he gets to bank for
later, and then surprise you with when the time is right.
Another example:
“I’d really like you to just take control and grab me spontaneously
more, instead of waiting each time until we are about to fall asleep
to have sex. The thought of you grabbing me while I’m washing
up, or just in the middle of the day turns me on so much.”
The idea of this thought turning you on incentivizes him to do it.
You can of course apply this to anything you’d like him to do more.
Sex is not a subject to be talked about only when the two of you
are in bed together. It can be incredibly freeing (not to mention
a turn-on) when two people are mature enough to bring up their
desires to each other in normal conversation at any time of day and
in any context.
The plain fact is that many women are with men who want to
please them more, but these couples are not being honest with
each other about what they can do to take things to the next level
sexually. And complaining to our friends about how we’d like our
partner to be instead of telling our partner themselves and giving
them a fair shot at evolving is not okay.
Why did 50 Shades Of Grey do so well? I believe one reason is
that an enormous number of women got to explore a sexual side
to themselves that their own relationships weren’t offering. But
why not? If you help us understand how to please you more, and
250  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
encourage us along the way, many (though admittedly not all) of us
just might surprise you.
8. Go to a classy high-end sex store together
I’m not saying you have to suddenly buy something extreme or
crazy, but suggesting to your man that you go to a sex store to find
something fun together for the weekend is an incredibly sexy move.
“Babe, it would be so much fun to go to a sex store with you and
for us to find something together that we want to experiment
with. Let’s go this evening.”
Don’t forget that this is also a golden opportunity for you to get
something that would pleasure you, but to make him a partner
in the process. When he feels part of it and chooses it with you,
he’ll be excited to use it with you. Quick tip: Be sure to express
the excitement of using it WITH him, lest he fear he’s going to be
replaced by some elaborate toy he can’t possibly compete with! If
you do talk about using it when he’s not around, say:
“It’s something that can make me think of you when you’re away.
I need something that I can use while I think of you.”
This way he gets to feel involved, even when he’s not there!
When you do go, there’s no need to feel awkward or strange. Sex
is such an incredibly fun part of a relationship. It’s even more fun
when two people are at ease in exploring the sexual adventure
together. Just remember that he will take his cue from you. If you
are relaxed and excited about going with him, he will realize he can
relax and get excited too.
Matthew Hussey  251
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
A brief note on insecurity and past sexual experience:
An insecurity amongst us men can be the fear that you are able to
‘show’ us what you like because someone else has been able to do
that for you before. Remember to focus the attention around him.
It would turn me on if YOU did that… I love the idea of YOU doing
that to me… can YOU try doing this with me, I think it would be so
hot… you get the picture.
You don’t want to give him the thought (even if it’s true) that he is
simply having to live up to something you have had before. Make
it feel fresh with him, because let’s face it; it always is when it’s
someone new and meaningful.
252  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 44
How to Keep the Sexual Spark Alive
(So He Doesn’t Look Anywhere Else)
It’s a common insecurity amongst women that men have a
tendency towards the wandering eye, lusting for other women, and
at worst, cheating and having affairs.
I’m not here to tell you that you can stop every guy from cheating
with some sort of secret mind control trick. An enormous part of
cheating relates to a man’s own ethics and insecurity. And frankly,
I’d rather the guy who has a tendency to cheat show you this early
on so that you can dump him and move on, rather than prolong it
till you’re further down the line.
But I’m not talking about controlling the cheaters here. I’m talking
about male psychology en masse.
One of the reasons many alpha-type guys (often the guys women
want) are commitment-phobic is because they are scared of
deriving all their sexual self-esteem from one woman. A guy knows
when he’s making that commitment he is trusting a woman with
fulfilling all of his needs for sexual validation, and thus a big part of
what he feels makes him a man is dependent on this woman feeling
physical desire for him.
Matthew Hussey  253
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
I have seen many confident men get into long-term relationships
where the sex began to die, and they began to freak out because
they didn’t know where to turn.
In single life, an alpha male knows that he could always move on to
another woman if one sexual partner decides she no longer wants
to sleep with him. Ask most guys what their big fear about marriage
and kids is, and you’ll find that many of them (at least the honest
ones) are scared of losing the sexual attention of their partner after
years of being together.
You can be one of those people who says, “Well that happens, get
over it” (I know a few. I’ve yet to meet a happy one who is a genuine
team player in their relationship), or you can decide to invest in
maintaining the passion in your relationship and making each
other feel special and desirable sexually over the long term. I know
which one I choose for myself.
It’s important that both in the beginning and over the long term he
continues to feel your sexual desire.
Below are some practical ways to communicate with the sexual part of
his brain; the part that yearns to know that you still desire him as a man.
Sex Goddess Scripts
•• Letting him know you have ‘urges’ for sex and passion.
“Ohhh, can you kiss me like that again?”
•• Texting him when you’re having naughty thoughts.
“I can’t stop thinking about how you made me feel last night”
254  Matthew Hussey
Part 5  How to Talk to Men… About Sex
•• Saying when you find something he wore, said, or did,
unbelievably hot (and use the word “hot” or “sexy”).
“I can’t stop thinking about how hot you looked this morning
before you left for work”
•• Telling him you fantasize about him.
“When you get out of the shower and I see you wet, all I can
think about is when you make me wet”
•• Telling him stories about the first time you told your friends
how attractive you found him.
“I remember after our first date, I told Katie how hot you were. I
was so attracted to you when you kissed me.”
•• Spontaneously grabbing him and kissing him passionately
now and then.
•• Touching him in public (either kissing, touching his arm or
massaging his neck).
More Phrases that Make Him Feel Incredible
in Your Presence
Here are a few more phrases you can pepper into your daily
interactions that make him feel his best around you.
Matthew Hussey  255
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• “I can’t help but stare at your lips while you’re telling me this
story”
•• “It literally just turned me on the way you ordered dinner,
taking charge like that. I love when you take charge with ME ; )”
•• “I love your eyes”
•• “I like when you wrap your strong arms around me”
•• “The world is going to be jealous because of how sexy you
look today”
Will these things build his sexual self-esteem? Yes. Is this a good
thing? YES.
Why? Well, (a) because you are a good person and you want the
man you love and care for to feel great about himself, just as he
should want the same for you. And (b) because he will associate the
sexual charisma he has with the way YOU see him, not the way the
world sees him. It will be something that makes you special. Being
away from or leaving a woman who makes us feel this way is no
easy thing.
His sexual self-worth is not your sole responsibility. But denying
how important your validation and attraction are to him will
only bring you pain. Pain in the form of him becoming less of a
confident man. Pain of him not having the certainty required to try
new things to please you if he fears your rejection. The pain of him
being unhappy in the level of intimacy and the ways in which that
manifests itself in other areas of your relationship.
Our sex lives aren’t always perfect. But if the two of you become a
genuine team in nurturing each other’s sexual egos, the rewards will
be far greater.
256  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 45
How to Turn Him On Even When You’re Apart
There are certain moves you can pull to get him dying for you
when you are away from him. Maybe you’re miles apart, or just
in the middle of your working day… but these lines will have him
begging for you to be back in the same room again:
“I can’t get last night off my mind. Can you do that again tonight?”
“I’m getting wet just thinking of how good it feels to have your
tongue on me.”
“What do you say we get home tonight, keep all the lights on and
get into some trouble?”
“I have this fantasy of you bending me over my desk and causing
some trouble.”
“Take a picture of a place in your office that you want us to have
sex and send it to me. Tell me what you’d want to do there...”
Matthew Hussey  257
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Just finished an hour meeting and couldn’t even tell you what it
was about because all I could think about was being on top of you.”
“I’m horny... tell me what you plan on doing to me when I get
home...”
“There are things I want to do to you later. Tonight I’m in control.”
Here are some things you can send him if he’s away on a work trip
or just traveling and away from you right now (warning: they may
make him book a ticket home):
“I’m counting down the days till I get to have you again.”
“No matter how many miles there are between us... my body still
craves you.”
“I can’t wait to hear your sexy voice tonight when I get home.”
“Tell me what we’re gonna do together when we see each other.”
“Even though we’re apart, the thought of having your body next
to mine sounds so sexy.”
258  Matthew Hussey
Pa rt 6
How to Talk to Men…
In an Argument
Chapter 46
How to Approach Serious Topics
With a Man Without Coming Off
as Threatening
In any relationship (or potential relationship) there will be times
when you need to broach serious subjects that concern a man not
meeting your standards or giving you what you want. When you
have these conversations, maintaining your composure as a woman
and showing that you’re in control is something that gives you huge
power.
Very often when women lose their temper or threaten a guy
it shows that they’ve lost control. You can absolutely have a
serious conversation with a guy, but the most powerful series
of conversations you have are not the ones where you lose your
temper: “If you don’t want to settle down, that’s something I want to
do. I’m not in a casual phase of my life and I get if you are, but that’s
not where I am.”
If someone you are dating suddenly began getting flakey with you,
there is a right way and a not so effective way to handle it.
The less productive way would be to say: “Why are you being so
flakey? It ruined my whole day waiting for you.”
Matthew Hussey  261
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
The better way is to say: “Jeez you’re so flakey these days!” He’ll
likely say: “No I’m not” and make excuses as to why, or call you
crazy for thinking it. You can reply: “Don’t worry about it, I just
could have arranged to see my friends if I’d have known, and I was
just looking forward to seeing you. But it’s all good, we can figure it
out for another time.”
This achieves what I call the ‘Bliss Point’.
In the food manufacturing industry ‘the bliss point’ is the term
given to the optimal level of saltiness and sweetness in a food that
keeps you wanting more without feeling sated. I have found that
master communicators are able to achieve their own bliss point
with others.
They can strike the right balance of ‘salty and sweet’ with their
words, which allows them to both communicate their standards
and be endearing at the same time. It is this potent combination
that allows us to get our needs met without the person feeling like
you are becoming high maintenance, a nag, or a ‘bitch’.
In our example above, you are making clear you don’t like what
he has done by not honoring his date with you, as well as showing
value by saying you had other options you could have gone with, on
top of showing sweetness and vulnerability by telling him you were
looking forward to seeing him. This combination of standards,
value and vulnerability is a potent combination. It makes him both
want you more and want to do better for you.
The next time he asks you to do something, say playfully:
“Are you gonna show up this time? ; )”
If he doesn’t, don’t make the mistake a third time.
262  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
The fact that you have shone a light on the issue and made your
standard clear is likely to ensure he doesn’t do it this time around.
Here you’ve also shown you have a sense of humor about it which
is attractive. It doesn’t make light of your standard; it simply shows
you don’t take him (or life) too seriously.
Matthew Hussey  263
Chapter 47
How to Express Your Frustrations to a Man
Have you ever said these phrases to your man when you feel frustrated?
•• “I want us to do romantic things”
•• “I want us to have more fun”
•• “Everything is shit right now”
•• “I’m so fed up with everything”
•• “I’m so bored”
•• “I’m so tired of this place. I need to go somewhere else.”
These are sentences that could easily slip out of your mouth when
you’re in a particular mood, and you may be saying them around
your man hoping that he will read your mind and come to the
rescue.
I’ve got bad news, though.
These phrases will do nothing to get your guy to take action.
All they will do is start an argument in which he tries to justify
himself.
264  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
If you say: “I want us to do romantic things,” all he hears is: “You’re
not romantic. And all of my friends’ boyfriends are. Why can’t you
be someone who is more romantic?”
Men hear your dissatisfaction, even if it’s just a temporary pang
of desire, and all they register is a simple message: I’m a failure at
making her happy.
When a guy feels this way, any combination of apathy, resentment
and insecurity can set in.
He thinks:
“What’s the point, she’s never happy with me.” (Apathy)
“What about that trip we went on last weekend. Didn’t that mean
anything?” (Resentment)
“She’s thinking of some other guy she’s dated that was more
romantic, or listening to more stories of her friends’ boyfriends. I’m
not enough.” (Insecurity)
He’ll feel like there’s no pleasing you. And he’ll start to lose hope in
trying.
The Solution
1. Be as direct as possible
There is no room for sugarcoating with men.
If you don’t shoot from the hip, you’ll miss your target and end up
with a disaster on your hands.
Matthew Hussey  265
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
If you want more romance, you have to tell him:
“We’ve worked so hard these last couple of weeks. I really need
a day when we just spend time as a couple doing something
romantic together. Remember when you took me on that trip to
the country? Romantic days like that make me feel so happy with
you. Can we do something like that?”
You want your man to take care of your needs? No more riddles or
hints. Tell him what you need (in a loving way, as described here)
and you won’t end up in an argument where he complains he never
even knew you were unhappy.
2. Use something positive
If you say, “I’m so bored. All we do is work”, all he’s going to do is
feel angry for being called boring.
If you say:
“Babe, you’ve gotten so much done this week. I’m really proud of
your commitment. But I want to do something fun with you this
weekend. Let’s have a date this Saturday, okay?”
This adds an element of flirtation to the demand, which makes him
even more excited about it!
3. Be less cryptic and more specific about your wants
Say as much as you feel you need to in order to be heard.
Don’t say:
266  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
“I’m so frustrated. I just feel so annoyed today.”
This doesn’t tell him anything about what’s bothering you, or how
he can better serve your needs.
Instead say:
“I really need a hug right now, and need to feel like you care
about me.”
Or:
“I really need to feel close to you tonight and spend time
together.”
Secret About Men
Most men are more than happy to come to your rescue if you
keep them clued in on how they can help.
So don’t be afraid if at first the words won’t come out. Talk until
you find exactly what you need from him and express it with
confidence.
Matthew Hussey  267
Chapter 48
How to Communicate that You’re Unhappy
With His Behavior
It’s almost inevitable that at some point the guy you are with does
something that makes you feel hurt, disrespected or just angry. This
isn’t something just ‘bad’ guys do, it’s something we all do in the
period of a relationship where we are learning about each other’s
rules and standards.
The moments where someone breaks your rules and standards are
golden opportunities to raise your own value in his eyes.
It’s important that when someone does something you don’t like,
you don’t just become judgmental of their actions and begin
attacking them personally. It may sound strange, but in the
moment he does it, it’s more important to make it about YOU than
about him.
No, I’m not talking about blaming yourself. I’m talking about
letting him know what standard you want instead of condemning
him for his actions.
Some things that people do are not noble. They may seem like
they deserve to be judged or condemned for their own sake, but
in communication, it often serves us better to take the focus off of
judgment and instead make it about our own standard. It’s like you
268  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
are saying: “What you are doing right now might be something that
is okay for you, but it’s not something I want in my life. If you want
to do that, you have to go and do it with a different partner who
isn’t me.”
The beauty of this is that if you tell someone they are wrong, they
can argue about whether it’s right or wrong. There are always
different ways to view an action or behavior. But if you keep it
simple and make it about what you WANT instead, it’s not about
right or wrong, it’s just about your expectations. You’re not coming
from a place of preaching or being on a pedestal looking down on
them; just a place of knowing what you want.
Here is an easy structure to remember when doing this:
1. Tell him what he has done that you do not like.
2. Let him know what behavior you NEED, without always
needing to condemn his behavior on a personal level (I
say ‘always’ because sometimes condemnation is the only
appropriate response).
Scenario 1: He is late to a dinner with you and your friends (and
has a general pattern of lateness)
“It’s not my business how you manage your time, but I didn’t
appreciate that you were late for dinner with my friends, and it’s
not the first time. I’m not lecturing you, but when it involves me
I need you to be there when you say you will. That’s important to
the trust we have for each other, okay? For me, being there when
I say I will be is part of me keeping my word to you, and I just
want the same from you.”
Matthew Hussey  269
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Scenario 2: He is openly flirting in an inappropriate way with
someone else
“Respect and loyalty are really important to me and when I
noticed you being flirtatious at the (party/event/bar), it was
immediately a turn-off. I know some women are okay with
their man flirting with someone else, but I’m just not that type
of woman. I don’t want that kind of relationship. It almost felt
like you were okay with disrespecting me when I know that’s
not your character.”
The beauty of both of these examples is that you have specifically
told him what you don’t like and let him know that you expect
more from him, without outwardly judging his behavior and
putting him on the defensive.
In the first example, the final sentence establishes that you are
giving him this standard and are only asking for the same back. In
the second example, the last sentence is effective because it views
him positively by not associating him with the man who would
disrespect you.
This simple two-part technique can be used for almost any
situation where he has fallen beneath your standards.
In summary:
Be specific about what he has done that you don’t like or appreciate.
Then remind him of the standard that you need him to play at for
the two of you to have a healthy relationship.
Lastly, always be proud of your standard if you know in your heart
it’s right.
270  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 49
How to Have Arguments That Strengthen
(Instead Of Ruin) Your Relationship
The gloves are off.
You’re in a fight with your man.
You can’t remember why, or who started it, but things have gotten
so heated that you’ve resorted to ripping chunks out of each other,
tearing down each other’s personality and taking shots below the
belt.
This is BAD news.
I’m not against arguments at all. I have a personal philosophy that
if a conversation needs to be had, it’s always better to just have the
damn conversation instead of building up resentment and waiting
to explode one day like a volcano destroying everything in its wake.
But what you must never do is resort to name-calling:
Matthew Hussey  271
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• “If you weren’t such a spoilt brat maybe we could deal with
this…”
•• “You’re a complete narcissist. It’s impossible to compromise
with you…”
•• “I never even wanted to spend time with your parents. I only
did it because you’re so moody and I would have never heard
the end of it if I didn’t…”
•• “You’re such a baby! Can’t you be a real man for once?!”
Ouch.
This kind of labeling might look like feelings you have to get out,
but remember, everything you say in the heat of the moment has
the potential to stick with your partner for a long time, and will
continue to affect his perception of you.
If you tell him you can’t stand spending time at his family home,
or you call him a spoilt brat, even if you didn’t really mean these
words, he is going to find it extremely hard to shake the thought
that this is how you perceive him. It can easily become fuel for
future insecurities and ultimately it will be YOU who pays the price
if they can’t let go of them.
While it is possible to make up the damage with reassurance and
love later on, he’s going to become less trusting of you as he’ll worry
in future that you might turn on him at any second and destroy his
self-esteem.
Key Idea
Even when you argue, you have to let each other know that you
are both safe and loved.
272  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
This means:
•• Do not make vicious threats about leaving him: “I’m done
with this. I can’t deal with your bullshit anymore. I should
find a guy who knows how to take care of me.” (Threatening
the relationship is death to the relationship.)
•• Avoid insulting him personally. Always address the
consequence of the problem and search for solutions. Don’t
say:
“You’re so self-centered that you wouldn’t do anything to make
me happy. You’re such a cold and uncaring person.”
Do say:
“It makes me feel less loved when we don’t spend quality time
together. Is that something you want? Because I need to feel like
we want to spend time with each other outside the bedroom.”
•• If you must criticize something someone has done, be
sure to label the action and not the person: i.e. “you DID a
selfish thing” not “you ARE a selfish person”. If you believe
I am usually caring but that I did something selfish, I have
an incentive to change to reinforce your positive perception
of me. If you believe I AM selfish, I have no incentive to
change (see Chapter 34 on “How to Get Him to Change His
Bad Behaviors”).
•• Do not get competitive with who cares the least. E.g.
“I’ve got guys queuing up who want to be with me. I don’t need
to deal with this shit.”
Matthew Hussey  273
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• Do not make it sound like you’ve given up on dealing with
the problem: e.g.
“You’re impossible. You’ll never work on this anyway, it’s useless
to talk with you about anything.”
Let’s look a bit closer at this last example.
Now, I’m not saying that you’re wrong to think he’s impossible and
can’t be reasoned with. It certainly is possible that your guy is the
type that, even when you’ve talked and talked until you’re blue in
the face, will never make an effort to work on his flaws.
If that’s true, then this guy is probably bad for you in the long
run. An inability to accept flaws, apologize, or deal with problems
should be a huge red flag for any potential future.
But is this true of the guy you’re dealing with? Be really honest with
yourself and ask yourself these questions:
•• Has he ever apologized and shown true remorse when
he acted out of line, or after blowing up at you during an
argument?
•• Has he gone out of his way before to make you feel loved
and protected after he made a mistake?
•• Is he self-critical and does he show a willingness to accept
his flaws and resolve to work on them?
•• Have you seen evidence of his ability to take on board a
request or complaint you made, and to genuinely change his
behavior in a positive way that improved your relationship?
274  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
•• Does he generally seem committed to making your
relationship stronger?
If the answer to these questions is generally or overwhelmingly
“Yes”, then you have a guy who you could be with long-term, and
whom you should avoid calling “useless” and “impossible”. If you
use these words, even a great guy will stop seeing the point in
working on the relationship, because he’ll feel as though you see
him as useless no matter what he does.
Remember, arguments are your chance to fix things and build more
solid foundations, not to tear the walls down and wade through the
wreckage.
Always remember:
-
Slow down
Breathe
Think before you speak
Be slow to say harsh words (words are quick to say and slow
to fade)
Resist snapping, retaliating or seeking to do damage
Maintain your own standards of integrity, kindness, and
restraint
Be measured. Just because they are being disproportionate
with their words or their negative energy, it does not mean
you should meet them there.
Matthew Hussey  275
Chapter 50
How to Diffuse an Argument:
7 Foolproof Techniques
Following on from our last chapter, below are seven solid
techniques for you to use either to prevent an argument from
happening, or during an argument to diffuse and work through it:
1. Force empathy
“Babe, please try to put yourself in my shoes. If this were the
other way around, I don’t think you would want this done to you
either.”
This forces him to think about what you are going through in the
situation. It doesn’t always work. He may say, “Well I wouldn’t care”
– but in many cases he will find himself reevaluating for fear of
finding himself in a similar situation at some point.
Another example:
“I see where you are coming from. Truly I do. I just need you to
try and see where I’m coming from so we can both figure out
why we’re feeling the way we are.”
276  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
2. Positive identification
This is where you give him a positive label as a person, and show
him how what he has done is not representative of this positive
image you have of him.
Example:
“You are so respectful towards me, you’re such a good man. But I
feel like this thing you’re doing isn’t respecting me and that’s not
you.”
Another:
“You’re the most caring man I’ve ever met, so I know you
wouldn’t ever do anything to hurt me. That’s why this situation
has caught me so off guard, because I really do feel hurt.”
And finally:
“Why are you complaining? You’re not that kind of man. You
always get things done, and honestly… that turns me on.”
3. Lead with your standard
Before you launch into what you don’t like about what he has done,
start by reminding him of how high your standard is for how you
treat him. E.g.
Matthew Hussey  277
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I am so loyal to you whenever I go out. I would never let anyone
say anything negative about you, whether you are there or not. I’m
your greatest champion. That’s why it hurt me so much when you
didn’t stick up for me the other night at the table.”
It’s useful to use words like ‘hurt’ and ‘upset’ instead of ‘angry’ and
‘annoyed’, which are more conducive to arguments. ‘Hurt’ and
‘upset’ cut to the core of the problem quicker, because in reality,
very often anger is derived from these things. Other words that have
a similar effect are ‘vulnerable’, ‘insecure’ and ‘sad’. These are not
combative words; they are more likely to move someone to change.
4. Assume his best motive
This involves giving him the benefit of the doubt by assuming his
intentions were not ignoble.
“I felt really left out when you didn’t ask me if I wanted to be
part of that evening with your colleagues, and I know you would
never intend for me to feel that. I’m just letting you know how it
made me feel.”
This works because it doesn’t tell him he’s wrong, it’s simply a
moment where you let him know how something has affected you.
By not being ‘in the wrong’ he can address your feelings without
entangling his pride in the matter.
Of course there are also times where you need to stress your ‘best
motive’:
“I feel really bad for screwing up your plans by making those
arrangements. I know it backfired, but I really only did it to
make you happy, I’m sorry.”
278  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
5. Appeal to him for help
Instead of being combative, try asking for his help to overcome the
feeling you’re having.
“I’m not saying you are doing anything wrong by going to dinner
with an old friend, I’m just jealous. I wish I wasn’t but I am, and
I just need your help to overcome the feeling I’m having. Please
don’t be angry at me for feeling it, I could really use your love to
help me deal with it and not feel this way.”
This is a very beautiful way to be vulnerable. You’re not making it
a fight, you’re asking him, as someone who loves you, to help you
deal with the feelings you are having in a very honest way that is
hard not to respect.
6. Get back to basics – you are a team and you love each other
Sometimes when you feel an argument escalating, it’s best to shortcircuit the argument by reminding him how much you love and
care for each other, and how that supersedes everything. E.g.
“Look, we love each other. So let’s figure this out.”
Another example:
“Clearly our intention isn’t to hurt one another so let’s discuss
this. I know neither of us wants to spend our time fighting with
each other. That’s not us.”
And finally:
Matthew Hussey  279
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Let’s not worry about how frustrating this task is and just get
through it so we don’t have to think about it anymore. We’re a
team. We can get through anything together.”
7. Zoom out
Sometimes it’s necessary to pause and try getting more perspective
on the situation:
“I really feel like I’ve tried to see your point of view, but for some
reason, I just can’t. That doesn’t mean we can’t find a solution,
but we just need to look at this with more of an open mind than
we are now.”
“Can you try to help me understand?”
Bonus tip 1:
After the ‘argument’ has happened and the two of you have
successfully talked it through, cap it off by saying this (which can be
said a few minutes later, or in some cases hours after it has passed)…
“I love how we talk through things… it says so much about us
that we are always able to talk things out in such a mature way.
I love the way we talk and solve problems together. I think that’s
what makes us so strong.”
This validates how good the two of you are at solving problems
that arise between the two of you. He will remember this as a
compliment and it will make him far more likely to want to live up
to this reputation the next time the two of you find yourself at odds
with each other.
280  Matthew Hussey
Part 6  How to Talk to Men… In an Argument
Bonus tip 2:
In the moments your guy apologizes for something he did wrong,
and you’ve chosen to forgive him, be sure to make him feel good
about apologizing. Don’t shrug it off or use it as an excuse to
reiterate why he should be apologizing in the first place. Instead,
say something like this:
“I really appreciate you saying that. You mean the world to me,
I don’t want us to be fighting, and I’m grateful that you are the
type of man who looks to solve things.”
Here you get him to associate the idea of ‘being a man who
solves things, with apologizing’, something you want him to feel
comfortable doing in the future.
Of course, it doesn’t hurt to show some humility when he
apologizes and be open about where you think you could have
done better, too. It shows that your pride isn’t as important as
honesty and humility in communication. Sometimes we all need to
try to win a little less and love a little more.
Matthew Hussey  281
Pa rt 7
How to Talk to Men…
About Commitment
Chapter 51
How to Ask if He Is Seeing Other Women
What to do when you’re kinda-sorta-dating/sleeping with a guy
and want to know if he’s seeing other people?
You want to ask him, but you don’t want to come across as trying
to demand immediate exclusivity or rush the relationship. You just
want to know where you stand.
Easy. Say to him:
“Are you the type of person to sleep with other women? It’s okay
if that’s what you’re after, it’s just not my style. I’m not someone
who does the sleeping-together-while-seeing-other-people thing.
So let me know.”
Another casual way to say this is:
“Are you seeing other people, or thinking about it at the
moment? It’s okay if you are, but it lets me know at least where
your head is at.”
When to say this? – After you’ve slept together. Maybe before the
second or third time.
Matthew Hussey  285
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
This doesn’t put any pressure on him. But it also makes him aware
of your standard.
Without having to ask you’ve now made it clear what your
intentions are.
He may ask you back: “What do you see this as?”
You could respond:
“I’m enjoying spending time with you and seeing where this
goes. I’m not in a rush with things, but I don’t do the sleeping
around thing, so it helps to know what you’re looking for.”
He knows you won’t be sitting around in limbo forever and can
easily make the decision to move on if he wants to play around with
other women and be single.
Key Idea
IMPORTANT - be wary of not sounding judgmental when you
say these words to a guy. Do not sound like you are disapproving
of him for wanting to be single or like you are upset at his
decision to be unattached.
Once you know what he wants, you have complete responsibility
for responding how you see fit.
If he says he wants to sleep with other women, just start to politely
be more elusive and don’t come over and have sex with him
anymore. Be friendly and kind, but let him feel the fear that he
might lose you.
286  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
Now, he’ll either back off because he doesn’t want anything serious,
or equally likely, he’ll start to chase you down when he realizes that
he doesn’t want to lose you from his life.
Matthew Hussey  287
Chapter 52
How to Answer if He Asks Whether
You’re Dating Someone Else
When a guy becomes attracted to you, and has that moment of
realization where he thinks he might want something more than
just casual dating, he’ll probably ask whether you’re seeing anyone
else.
Should you answer honestly here? If you want to date this guy
seriously, will it ruin your chances if you tell him you’re seeing
other people at the same time as sleeping with him?
Well, first off, you don’t have to feel ashamed for having a dating
life. If this guy hasn’t shown signs of wanting to commit, you don’t
have to make excuses for enjoying your singledom by going on
dates with other people.
Let’s imagine he says something like: “Are you seeing other people
as well as me right now?”
There are different answers you can give to this depending on what
you want to convey.
The first response puts you back in power:
288  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
“Are you asking because you don’t want me to?”
Or to be slightly more bold:
“Why are you asking? Is it because you want us to be exclusive?”
This way you take the attention off of whether you are dating other
people and put it onto his intentions.
The second response doesn’t hide the fact that you are dating, but it
does convey a particular kind of interest in him…
“Well I do date. But if I’m honest, since meeting you I haven’t had
quite the same incentive to be dating around - is there a reason
you ask?”
If you want to be a little bolder still, you can say:
“Am I seeing other people? Yes. Do I want to be dating one of
them? Yes.”
The great thing about these responses is that you are putting the
question back on him. You are indirectly answering that you are
in-demand and have not just made yourself exclusive with him, but
you’ve also gotten him to explain his curiosity.
He may say: “Just wondering”, or he may say, “Because I’m really
enjoying spending time with you and just wanted to know”. Either
way, you are giving him a high-value answer that lets him know
where you stand (and gets him to open up about his intentions at
the same time!).
Matthew Hussey  289
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
What if he asks explicitly whether you are having sex with other
guys?
In this case, you have two options:
A. If you are sleeping with other guys, say:
“That’s a pretty personal question, lol”
Or…
“I’m not celibate if that’s what you mean - but I’m a very loyal
person if something becomes exclusive - is there a reason you’re
asking?”
Again, you flip it back onto him. Get him to answer why he
is interested in the answer so you can gauge his intentions.
B. If you are not sleeping with other guys say:
“If I’m sleeping with someone I don’t sleep with other people
while that’s happening. Do you?”
Now you’ll know what his policy is on the same issue.
Remember, you aren’t obliged to answer questions that are
irrelevant in the early stages of dating. Until you’re committed to a
guy, you’re free to choose and talk about whatever aspects of your
dating life you choose to share.
290  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 53
How to Know if You Are a Couple
I want to tell you a story. It’s one of the oldest there is…
Boy meets Girl.
Boy falls in love. Girl feels it too. They decide to start a relationship.
It’s nice.
Both of them decide this was a smart decision.
The End.
Ah, they always made it sound so simple, didn’t they?
Except there’s a more complicated, more realistic story that happens
to A LOT of people.
Here’s a more modern version of that classic tale (or at least the one
I hear from women who attend my seminars):
Boy meets Girl.
Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy.
Matthew Hussey  291
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Boy gets Girl’s phone number. Boy and Girl start dating for a month
or so.
All seems good, but Girl realizes she has no idea what Boy really
wants in the long-term. Boy acts a bit cagey and gets weird whenever
the topic of commitment is raised in conversation.
Girl gets confused, especially since Boy seems to keep showing interest.
Boy even says he likes her and that she’s special; she’s like no one he’s
ever met.
And still, Girl can’t help but wonder to herself: “Where is this going?”
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
People always say the beginning phase of dating someone new is
the most fun part. I always think it’s the most dangerous.
Dangerous because at some sudden moment between those
carefree first few dates, a mysterious chemical floods your brain
and you wake up one morning to realize, “Oh crap. I really like this
person”.
Now it just got real. Your heart is on the line now. It’s in someone
else’s hands.
So instead of just enjoying the experience, your brain is now racked
with concerns about when he’s going to text or call, if he feels the
same, and whether he sees you as a potential couple.
It doesn’t help when he gives you a bunch of mixed signals too.
Maybe you have truly unique, amazing dates full of chemistry and
laughter, but afterwards he doesn’t call you for a week. Then he
texts and asks if you want to hang out on Sunday, and although you
want to see him you’re also starting to worry, “Where is this going?”
292  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
For most women, this question remains a silent one. They live day
to day with this guy between fluctuating states of happiness when
they are with him, and frustration and confusion when he goes
cold.
Some women will come out and say it:
“Where is this going?”
Put on the spot in such a way, he will often give vague and unclear
answers like:
“Well, I don’t know, I just know I’m having a lot of fun with you.
Why don’t we just see how it goes and not rush things?”
“It’s hard to answer that right now, isn’t it a little early for us to
know?”
“I don’t want us to put a label on this and for things to get all weird
or change.”
“I’m still hurt/confused/scared since my last relationship so I’m
really not sure what I want right now, but I really like you.”
I don’t need to tell you anymore.
You’ve probably heard some version of these answers, and even
more from your friends’ stories.
All of these are stalling methods. He doesn’t want to lose what he
has, but he’s reluctant to make promises he can’t keep.
Very often the women that hear these answers will attempt to make
a stand and back off, only to get close to him again when he asks to
see her.
Matthew Hussey  293
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Part of what bothers me about the “where is this going?” question
is that it feels a little too passive. It’s like you are asking him because
you don’t have a say in the matter.
It can also be a high pressure question from the guy’s perspective,
as though he alone now has to lay all his future intentions out on
the table and explain where precisely he sees his future romantic
life for the next six months or longer. Most guys freak out in the
face of that stress.
Rather than simply give you one killer line to say which will only
oversimplify the situation, in the next three chapters I present you
with a series of techniques that make a man take committing to you
seriously so that you don’t keep getting caught in the ‘casual trap’.
294  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 54
How to Show Him You Are in Demand:
3 Simple Techniques
One of the ‘boxes’ you want to check on the path to exclusivity is
being perceived to be ‘in-demand’. This is what both raises your
Perceived Value and your Perceived Challenge (two essential parts
of our Attraction Formula).
It’s simple economics. When demand is high for something, that
thing becomes more valuable. Dating is no different. It doesn’t hurt
a guy to see that you are in-demand, and more importantly that as a
result you have a choice.
It helps a guy to know that you will be someone else’s before long if
he doesn’t progress with you.
I’m not talking about game-playing here. Just some subtle ways that
you can communicate you have options.
You don’t want to pose this as a threat, e.g.
“If you don’t want me there are plenty of people that are ready to
take me out tonight!”
Matthew Hussey  295
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
That kind of ultimatum will appeal to his competitive and prideful
nature, provoking responses like: “You think you’re the only one? I
can just as easily go out and find someone else.”
Here are three subtle ways of creating the ‘in-demand’ effect
without scaring him off or turning him against you:
1. Indirectly reference the fact that you are used to being hit on
There are some low-key ways of showing a guy that you are no
stranger to guys hitting on you. For example, you could be in
conversation talking about the differences between men and
women when they like someone. You might then say:
“Men seem to always think that it’s simply enough to say you
are hot and then continue to hit on you without showing any
personality. It’s hilarious.”
You seem to be making a general point about men, but what you
are really saying is: “I know this to be true because guys hit on me a
lot.” It’s subtle, but the implication is there.
The thought that you are a woman who knows what it’s like to be
hit on will raise your Perceived Value as his imagination runs wild
thinking of all the guys out there who see you and want you on a
daily basis.
2. Talk about compliments you got that day
I remember once meeting up with someone I had been seeing for a
date. She was looking great and wearing a cute hat. When I saw her
I said:
“You look so great in that outfit.”
296  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
She replied:
“Thanks so much, that’s really sweet of you to say! I’ve been
receiving so many compliments today on my hat!”
I can still recall my exact thought process when she said this. I
imagined all of the people giving her compliments. I imagined
them all being men (though I know a decent proportion of
them were probably women). And as soon as I thought of them
being men, I thought to myself: “Well, I guess there were a lot of
guys using the hat as a way to hit on her today”. I’m a guy, and
that at least qualifies me to know that when most guys decide to
compliment something you are wearing it’s a convenient excuse to
talk to you because they are attracted. Somehow I couldn’t imagine
lots of fashion-conscious straight men running up to her telling her
that her hat was simply to die for.
The beauty of this is that she didn’t need to tell me guys were
hitting on her, she just told me she was getting lots of compliments
and let my imagination do the rest. Note that saying this about her
hat saved her from seeming arrogant. “I got so many compliments
on how beautiful I am today” doesn’t quite have the same effect.
3. “Nordstroms are like ex’s, they always do returns”
I remember a woman I had very strong feelings for saying this to
me one day when we were in a mall. We were in Nordstroms - the
giant high-end everything store - and she was returning a pair of
shoes. She had already worn them and I was truly surprised that
they were going to take them back and give her a refund, and yet
they did (go Nordstorms!).
When I expressed my surprise, she said to me:
Matthew Hussey  297
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Nordstroms are like ex’s, they always do returns.”
It was a great line. Not just because it’s funny, and not just because
there is a grain of truth to it when it comes to our ex’s (i.e. that they
always come back at some point, or at least try to). It was a great
line because the insinuation was that all of her ex’s came running
back.
In other words, the people she had let go of in the past – or perhaps
more importantly had made the mistake of letting go of her –
always ended up regretting it. It embedded a message deep in my
brain: “Leave this woman and you will become another man who
made a huge mistake and end up regretting it when it’s too late.”
Powerful message indeed.
There are other ways you can use this same psychology:
“It’s amazing how guys have a way of always wanting you back.”
“Ex’s all seem to have a way of running back.”
“When my friends are upset about a break up, I’m always
tempted to just tell them not to worry because he’ll be back.
That’s been my experience anyway. They have a way of always
thinking they made a mistake when it’s already too late.”
The key is not to say this in any sort of a bitter way. It’s designed to
be said with a laugh and a sense of humor, but with a clear message
that the men who have lost you have realized they lost someone
very special.
A good example of when to use one of these lines is when talking
about your friends’ breakup in passing to him. E.g.
298  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
“Lauren keeps texting me, she’s really upset right now because
her and her boyfriend broke up.”
Then you can follow up with one of these lines.
Matthew Hussey  299
Chapter 55
How to Use Sneaky Psychology
to Raise Your Value in His Eyes
One thing men find really attractive is loyalty. It’s what shows
us that the woman we are with has a strong sense of ethics in a
relationship and that we are special.
There’s nothing sexier than having a woman who gets attention
(without courting it actively), but who shows massive loyalty both
with you and when it happens without you being present (this is
a unique pairing, in case you were wondering, of attractiveness +
loyalty).
From talking to thousands of men about the things they loved their
girlfriends saying when they got attention from other men, I’ve
distilled a couple of easy scripts for you to use.
The below scripts work for a number of different situations that
might normally cause a poisonous form of jealousy to arise,
namely:
-
He sees a guy hit on you from across the room
He finds out that an old boyfriend or a guy you used to see
tried to get in touch with you
He hears about a guy who hit on you when you weren’t with
him.
300  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
Let’s imagine that someone you were seeing before you met your
current guy texts you (whether he’s your boyfriend already or on
the way to potentially becoming your boyfriend). Here’s a great way
for the conversation happen:
Him:
“Hey beautiful, what’s going on with you?”
You:
“Hey, things are great. I hope you’re well! I know this is a little
out of nowhere, but I’ve met someone I’m really happy with and
it would be disrespectful for me to continue talking to you at this
stage. I hope you understand, and that life is great for you too : )”
This is respectful to your current partner, and not overly aggressive
to the person who tried to reach out. It’s kind, but it’s firm.
I’m not suggesting that every single person you have ever been with
has to be cut out of your life completely. Life isn’t always so simple,
and in fact doesn’t always have to be. But there are certain cases
whereby trying to continue a casual friendship with a past partner
is detrimental and simply not worth it.
Now let’s say the guy you are seeing asks you a question a week or
two later such as:
Him:
You:
Him:
You:
“Do any of your previous partners ever get in touch?”
“It’s happened, but I put an end to it quickly when it happens.”
“When did this happen?”
“A couple of weeks ago someone that I was seeing a while
back texted me. I told him I was seeing somebody and that
it wasn’t appropriate for him to be texting me.”
Him: “What did he say?”
Matthew Hussey  301
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Her:
“He said ‘Damn, that’s a shame’. And then we stopped
texting. It’s no big deal. I just see it as disrespectful to us
when someone does that which is why I am clear that I
don’t want them reaching out.”
Before we get into the psychology here, the intention is not to make
him feel angry or hurt. I’m not suggesting you go out of your way to
let a guy know that someone tried to reach out to you. Most of the
time in these situations it’s better just to handle them yourself and
move on without affecting your new partner’s emotional state with it.
But if the question comes up, or he does see or hear of something,
you might as well use it as a chance to show how loyal you are.
I should add that there is one sneaky little moment where you
remind him how in demand you are in this script. When he asks
what the guy said when you told him you were now happy and
taken, and you mention his response was, “Damn that’s a shame”,
you are putting on his radar that there are people that are sad you
are no longer in their lives and still want you today.
The message running through his head will be, “There are people
just dying for her to be single again… she wouldn’t last 5 minutes”.
It will only validate further how valuable he thinks you are and it
raises your ‘Perceived Value’.
I’m not suggesting you make up a story like this, but this example
is a strong one and illustrates this idea well. You can apply the same
principle in many different scenarios that are real to you.
Notice that the man in question is described as “some guy” instead
of being given too much of an identity which makes him too
important in the present. In essence, he could be anybody. Who he
is specifically is not important, unless the guy you are with decides
he has to know.
302  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
When you say:
“I told him I was seeing somebody and that it wasn’t appropriate
for him to be texting me.”
You are sending a clear message that:
“Given where we are in our relationship together, I don’t think it’s
appropriate for other guys to be getting in touch and flirting with
me.”
I wouldn’t recommend saying this until you can already feel that
the two of you are becoming close enough to suggest you MIGHT
be becoming exclusive together.
It shows you are loyal to him - so loyal in fact that you will make
clear to another interested party that it’s not appropriate for them to
be flirting with you out of respect. This builds trust, intimacy and
connection.
You can continue this by saying:
“I see it as disrespectful to you which is why I am clear that I
don’t want them reaching out.”
This makes it clear to him that you aren’t seeing other people, and
that there was an implied expectation that he do the same.
Warning before we move on:
These situations have a tendency to turn ugly if we are not careful,
which is why we shouldn’t go out of our way to bring them up.
However, sometimes the person you are with will become insecure
and pry into the situation in a negative way. For example:
Matthew Hussey  303
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Him: “So is this someone you were sleeping with?”
You: “Well yes, but it wasn’t even this year.”
Him: “Well clearly he still feels comfortable texting you so have
you seen him since then?”
You: “What? No. Of course not”
Him: “So this was someone you were just casually sleeping with
then…”
See how quickly this can turn ugly? So be careful. The best escape
in a situation like this is not to match his energy but to truly kill it
before it escalates:
“Look, I have nothing to do with this person anymore. They
have no importance in my life, which is why I cut him off so
quickly. It couldn’t be less important to me now. My focus is on
you which is why I wanted him to know it was inappropriate
from now on for him to be in touch with me. I’m sorry, I didn’t
mean to upset you. You asked if anyone had reached out and I
just wanted to be honest with you and for you to know that my
loyalty is towards you.”
It’s not fair for him to make you feel guilty beyond this point.
Beware men who are quick to condemn you for things you did with
other men before he was even around.
304  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 56
How to Make Yourself His Partner,
Not Just His Hookup: 5 Powerful Phrases
Below are real life examples from countless stories I witnessed with
the men I coached. The women who used these were each in their
own way pros at making themselves ‘relationship material’ instead
of being seen as just another hookup.
1. Be upfront from the moment he gets your number
Contrary to most advice which says you need to play it cool
upfront, there are some benefits to stating your standard from the
get go.
I remember a friend of mine telling me a story of a woman he met
one sunny day in a local store. He could see her looking over at him
the same way he was looking over at her. He felt almost positive it
would go well if he went over to her, but he wasn’t expecting what
she said when he asked for her number.
He said: “I think you’re really attractive and wondered if you might
like to exchange numbers so we can go for a drink sometime.”
She replied:
Matthew Hussey  305
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“You’re cute. I noticed you when you walked in and thought
you were really attractive too. To be totally honest, I don’t do
the whole hook-up thing. I can give you my number, but I just
thought I’d tell you.”
Whilst this might seem presumptuous of her to say in a first
conversation, it didn’t scare him off at all. He was impressed and
attracted by the honesty of a woman who knew what she wanted
and didn’t mind scaring him off if he wasn’t interested.
Remember: When you express your standards with confidence,
others will want to rise to them.
It’s also worth noticing that she didn’t make it about wanting more
with him. She couldn’t, she didn’t even know him. It had nothing to
do with her wanting to rush in a relationship; it was simply to do
with her not wanting to casually sleep around.
Key Idea
This proves that you can be honest about exclusivity being
important to you at ANY stage of a relationship, so long as
you don’t make it about him. It’s a personal principle you have
for men in general. It’s not about putting pressure on him as an
individual.
You may be thinking that being celibate until you are in a
relationship is a difficult task. Well, I don’t think you have to be.
In fact, whether or not this woman really meant it when she said
she doesn’t hook-up with people is not important. The fact that she
stated it as her standard was enough to make him pay attention,
and would certainly make him feel unique and special if in fact she
did decide to break this rule with him.
306  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
The more special a man thinks his bond with you is, the more likely
it is he will want to carry it on.
2. Show there are old-fashioned elements to you
I often see women who are so eager to look relaxed and easygoing
that they are afraid to mention the ways in which they are more
traditional.
Please don’t think I am fighting here for you to go backwards. But
sometimes the women who have elements of the old and the new
are very intriguing.
I’ll show you a couple of ways to do this:
“It’s so weird watching certain friends of mine hooking up
casually with guys. I really don’t see what they get out of it.”
This immediately tells a guy: ‘I’m not the hooking up type, so don’t
waste your energy trying to put me in that category.’ It also allows
you to use your friends to indirectly talk about it, without having
to expressly refer to your own beliefs on the subject out of nowhere.
In the situation of him asking whether you’d like to go out and
party, you can say:
“I love to go out and dance if there’s good music. But I’m not into the
whole getting wasted and hooking up thing. I guess it’s just not for
me. I just love being around my friends and having a good time.”
Here he sees that you’re not conservative when it comes to having
fun, but you have a standard for yourself when it comes to who you
go home with. He’ll now feel special for getting to that point with
you, and he also knows he’ll have to invest to get there.
Matthew Hussey  307
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
This is of course another way of ‘pre-framing’ the relationship so
that you are giving him cues as to how to treat you before he even
gets to that point. Clever, no?
3. Be direct on the first date about your standards for sex
I remember meeting a beautiful, sweet woman at a charity dinner
one night in a hotel. We exchanged numbers and spent the week
excitedly texting to arrange a date for that weekend.
That Saturday night, when we were halfway through the date, she
said to me:
“So, what are your intentions here?”
I’m not going to lie; her phrasing of the question initially freaked
me out a little bit. I had never been asked anything like this in my
life, especially on a first date. It felt a little like I’d stepped into a
Jane Austen novel and was dealing with the ceremonies of meeting
a young and eligible lady for the first time.
I replied: “Er…with you?”
Her: “Yes”
I replied defensively: “Well… I just got out of a relationship and am
not ready to jump back in to something like that.”
Her:
“That’s fair and honest. I understand that. I’m not sure how ready
I am for a relationship either. But it’s good to know, because
I’m not in a place where I would be intimate with someone if it
wasn’t going somewhere. Casual sex is so easy for people to find,
but it’s not what I’m looking for.”
308  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
Though the first part of her question about my intentions caught
me off guard, what she followed up with was very attractive.
I loved the certainty of someone who communicated her standard
in such a straightforward manner. It wasn’t about me, it was just
about what she wanted. I immediately felt intrigued. I wanted to get
closer to her because of it.
She had also managed very quickly to discover my views on a
relationship, which let her decide how she wanted to play it.
She didn’t need to tiptoe around it. She simply asked what I was
looking for. It brought out my most honest answer, and the fact that
she showed a willingness to walk away from the situation if it didn’t
suit her made her only more desirable to be around.
4. Set a time limit for when you’ll walk away
A client of mine told me a story of how he decided to commit to
his wife Amy when they were first dating. He told me how at first
he wasn’t sure he even wanted a relationship at all. After a few dates
she brought up the question:
“What do you see this as?” she asked.
He wasn’t sure how to respond.
Feeling evasive, he replied: “I don’t think that’s a fair question to ask
at this stage.” (Women always tell me that this kind of response is
incredibly annoying, but what can I say? The man knows how to
deflect a question.)
Fortunately, Amy had her own perfect response. She said very calmly:
Matthew Hussey  309
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I’m only asking because I have people asking me out and I don’t
know what to tell them.”
(See how this expresses scarcity, showing how she is in-demand
and not going to be around forever?)
He replied: “You need to do whatever you think is the best decision
for what you want.”
Most women would find this lack of clarity infuriating. But she was
still unfazed and didn’t rise to the bait.
Instead, she made it simple with her final reply. She said:
“Okay, well if we don’t know what this is by June, let’s go our
separate ways” (at the time June was about two months away).
He told me that by the end of this conversation, he already felt like
he wanted to be with her. In fact, within a week he felt he knew he
was going to marry her. But he credited his decision to her strategy
of allowing him some time and space to decide what he wanted in
the long-term, without giving him an overnight ultimatum.
The important part of this however is that even though she didn’t
give him an ultimatum, she did set a time by which she would be
willing to walk away, and he knew that time was coming.
5. Let him debate whether to commit while you get on with
your life
I remember an old girlfriend of mine who played it perfectly when
it came to getting me to commit. We were in my car one night and
she told me how much she was enjoying getting closer to me. Preempting the upcoming commitment conversation, I blurted out:
310  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
“Look, I’m not after anything serious at the moment. I’m just trying
to have fun right now.”
She looked calmly at me, smiled, and almost with a friendly laugh said:
“Okay. I wasn’t asking you to marry me or anything”.
With that, she smiled, gave me a big, sexy kiss, said goodnight, and
walked into her house.
I drove home feeling like a complete idiot for taking things so
seriously. I expected her to be frustrated and angry when I said
I wasn’t looking for any commitment. But she wasn’t. She was
relaxed, and I looked like the drama queen.
Our next date was a little harder for me to get. She suddenly
had less time for me than she did for her friends, her family, her
work and her hobbies. It wasn’t that she ignored me, but more
that she had made a conscious decision that since I didn’t want a
relationship, I wasn’t going to be a priority in her life. When I did
finally see her a week or so later, we had so much fun. She was sexy,
playful, teasing and happy. After a couple of hours she decided she
needed to get home (very frustrating since I was looking forward to
taking her home!).
All of a sudden I felt myself wanting to be her priority. She seemed
so laid back and in control, and here I was saying I didn’t want to be
serious with her.
I remember asking her on another date and she told me she was
busy with work, seeing friends, and going shopping with her mom.
I had to wait nearly another week to see her. I remember in that
week saying to myself: “Why on earth don’t you just be with this
girl already? She’s awesome, and all of this ‘freedom’ you have is
simply being spent thinking about her, so just go for it you idiot.”
Matthew Hussey  311
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
She didn’t need to sell me on a relationship, because while she was
off living her life without apology, I was selling myself on it. It was
as if she said:
“You go have this internal battle with yourself, me and my mom
are going to buy shoes.”
When I finally saw her for that date, I told her I had totally changed
my mind and that I wanted to be exclusive. Her response?
Her:
Me:
Her:
“Are you sure?”
“Yes! I’m sure.”
“Ok” (said with the same fun and playful smile she had the
first time I brought up commitment.)
The formula? When I brought up my doubts, she remained calm,
made a personal decision to de-prioritize me, whilst still bringing
her A-game when I did actually get to see her. She got on with her
life while I did battle with myself. When I finally sold myself on
the idea, she was the better off for having continued to invest in
herself and the things and people who were the real priorities in
her life.
Important note:
If a guy does decide that he really, really doesn’t want a relationship
right now, exit the situation without malice and don’t say anything
spiteful.
Never say something cold or petty, such as:
“Don’t bother coming back if you change your mind!”
312  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
This only leads you to two problems: (1) It confirms that you are
overly emotional and validates his decision to bail, and (2) It makes
it impossible for him to change his mind later.
You shouldn’t ever be sitting around waiting for a guy to change
his mind. Perhaps later on your paths with this guy will cross, and
maybe at that point you’ll wish you didn’t end things so badly especially if there’s a chance for a relationship to spark up again.
Think of it this way: leaving things in a positive manner is like
making an investment for the future. The investment may never
pay off, but if it does, you will be in a position to reap the rewards.
You are never pushing for the quick close. You show a guy that
you’re awesome and have standards, and you can even tell him you
really like him, but you never try to sell him on being a couple.
Just listen to what he says, make your exit gracefully, and start
seeing other people.
There’s a good chance he’ll come back if you handle this correctly.
If not, you’ve saved yourself a lot of time waiting for some guy who
was never serious about you to begin with.
If you follow all these steps, you’ll have communicated value to the
guy, and you’ll have shown him with your actions that you have
self-respect, standards, and that you are scarce.
One last thing:
I remember a girlfriend once saying to me: “I always promised
myself that I wouldn’t move in with a man until I got married”.
Matthew Hussey  313
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Though I didn’t agree with the idea (I think it’s madness not to trial
living with someone before deciding to do it for a lifetime!), the
notion of her saving something for the man she would marry was
an attractive one.
It plays on the psychology of something being exclusive to the
man you ultimately end up with. I don’t think it matters too much
exactly what it is – it doesn’t have to be sex, or moving in together,
or anything that big. It can be much more specific, such as, “I
always said I wouldn’t go on safari in Africa until it was with the
man I would end up with”.
Saying this has the effect of making the future relationship you have
seem sacred and valuable and something to be prized. The good
news is, no matter how old you are, or how many relationships
you’ve had, or how much you’ve already done, there’s always
something you haven’t done!
314  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 57
How to Ask Him if You Are Exclusive
At the beginning of my live seminars I usually ask three questions.
The first two seem relatively simple:
1) “Who here is single right now?” As you can imagine, most of
the hands go up.
2) “Who here is in a relationship right now?” Typically about 20%
of the room put their hands up.
The third question always gets a laugh, but has quite a few
reluctant hands going up…
3) “Who here isn’t sure if they are in a relationship?”
This question is poignant, because it highlights just how confused
we can be as to where we actually stand in a relationship. Some
people simply don’t know if they are really exclusive with someone.
This begs the question, is there such a thing as ‘implied exclusivity’
after a certain amount of time, or as a result of certain behavior
between two people which suggests they are no longer going to be
with anyone else?
I asked my Facebook community in what moments they believed
‘implied exclusivity’ was created. Here are some of the responses:
Matthew Hussey  315
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“When another person hits on you and they get protective…”
“The minute he refers to you as his girl around his friends.
Definitely sends the message that you are his and they need to back
off.”
“When he uses phrases like ‘I’m gonna show you’, ‘I’m gonna teach
you’, ‘We should do this some time’, or ‘I’m gonna introduce you to’.
The expressed (and eventually materialized) intention of sharing
experiences together.”
“When he starts planning things a little way down the line (concerts,
going to weddings, trips), it’s usually pretty safe to assume.”
“I think when you are having sex several days per week, both saying
how perfect everything is when you are together, and you are
talking almost every day…”
“Exclusiveness is implied as soon as you both expect to spend the
weekends together, and you’ve met some of the important people in
his/her life.”
“Affection in public. I live in Nashville - this is something you think
about in a small town.”
“If you go out separately, meeting up to spend the night even just to
snuggle.”
“When he lets you look at/use his phone without freaking out. Guys
have those bad boys on lock down when on the dating scene.”
“When he called me from Colorado on a work trip to describe its
beauty to me... And then we talked till his phone died. Sharing little
moments like that.”
***
316  Matthew Hussey
Part 7  How to Talk to Men… About Commitment
Despite all of these comments, every third was a variation of a
woman saying:
“Never ever, ever, ever assume anything!”
Needless to say, these are likely to have been those who have been
burned in the past by assuming too much. And yet though many
women agreed that ‘assuming is dangerous’, they could point out
moments when they felt a shift in the relationship to something
exclusive.
Though the notion of not talking about exclusivity, but allowing
it to happen naturally seems more romantic, I’ve come to believe
that it’s important to have the conversation if in doubt. That doesn’t
mean it has to be done in a painfully serious way. Just that it’s made
clear that the two of you are now monogamous.
If in doubt, here are some phrases you can use:
“I’m not sleeping with anyone else now that I’m seeing you, and I
wanted to know if you’re in the same place.”
“I know that it feels like we are exclusive, but I don’t want to
assume, and I want to see where your head is at.”
“I deleted my dating account online now that we are seeing each
other. I wouldn’t want people to think I’m still available. I wanted
to know if you’ve done the same…”
Q: What do you call him before you are exclusive?
In the early stages, you can call him “the guy I’m seeing” when
talking about him to friends, or when telling him a story you were
telling your friends about him, e.g.:
Matthew Hussey  317
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I was telling my friends about the guy I’m seeing and they were
very impressed with that thing you did for me the other night.”
If you feel like the two of you are exclusive but you haven’t said it
yet, calling him ‘your guy’ instead of your boyfriend in front of him
is a cute halfway house.
If you are talking to him you would say:
“I was telling the restaurant manager that my guy is on his way
so he saved you a seat at the bar next to me”.
318  Matthew Hussey
Pa rt 8
How to Talk to Men…
in a Relationship
Chapter 58
How to Get on His Mom’s Good Side
Men and their moms. I feel I need say no more. You already know.
It’s a tough relationship to deal with at the best of times. You want
to get close to him, and she doesn’t want you stealing him.
You protest inside that you are not trying to, and yet her experience
has shown her that when he really gets close to a woman he’s likely
to pay his ole mom less attention.
What to do?
Below are some quick tips for putting everyone at ease, and having
the soft centered tyrant decide to open the gates and let you in (yes
mom, I’m talking about you in this chapter too, don’t think you’re
any less difficult than any other mom).
Before you’ve met her:
- Ask him questions about her
“Tell me about your mom! Are you guys close? What’s she like?”
When he’s on the phone with her you can say:
Matthew Hussey  321
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Awww tell her I said hi!”
This shows you care and you are a welcoming person.
Above all, be interested in the relationship between him and his
mom.
- Refrain from getting on the negative bandwagon:
He may be ranting about his mother on occasion, but that doesn’t
mean you should jump in.
There is an alternative that means not attacking his mom directly.
If he says something she did wrong say:
“Well I care about you so I don’t like that it’s bothering you.”
As an extra way of showing how great of a teammate you are, you
can add to the end of this:
“…what can I do to help?”
This shows you are there for him without playing sides against his
mother.
- When you see her:
Compliment her on the type of boy she raised.
She wants to hear that she is important, that loyalty to family is
important, and that you respect her (as well as his relationship with
her).
322  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
You can say to her:
“It’s clear that family is important to him. He talks about you all
the time.”
Or if he doesn’t get to see her all that much:
“I know he misses you so much, he talks about you all the time.”
“There are so many occasions where we are experiencing
something together and he says he wishes you were there to
experience it too.”
- Don’t make it sound like you know him better than she does
She may talk about a food he never eats at home. Don’t jump in and
say:
“Well he eats them all the time around me.”
It may be true. It’s not worth it.
- Don’t overdo it by talking about all the ‘mumsy’ things you do for
him:
If you always pack for him when he leaves town, or make his coffee
in the morning, don’t feel the need to tell her every detail. You may
think you are scoring points by telling her all the little ways you
look after him, but she’ll likely hear: “I’ve been replaced”.
You may even find she gets competitive in these moments. If you
say:
Matthew Hussey  323
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I always fold his clothes and pack for him when he’s about to get
on a flight.”
She may say, “Oh he loves when I pack for him, he always gets me
to do it”. This is her way of re-asserting control. Let her, it should
be no big deal to you to let her feel important. She did raise him for
God’s sakes! Just agree:
“You’re right he does, that’s where he gets it from when he asks
me because you’re not there!”
- If she’s really trying to be difficult:
If things get really bad, and you are doing all of the right things,
it’s okay to confront her when the two of you are alone together.
Simply say:
“Hey, I noticed there is a little bit of tension between us, and I
wanted to know if there is anything I’m doing to create it. I want
to have a wonderful relationship with you because I care about
your son deeply and I know how much his relationship with you
means to him and you. I’d love to clear the air.”
If she ever expresses concern about you getting in the way of their
relationship, be clear with her:
“I would never come between the two of you. That relationship
is sacred and I have the utmost respect for it. I love being part of
his life and I wouldn’t get in the way of something so important
in his life. Your acceptance means a lot to me.”
324  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 59
How to Handle the ‘Other Women’
In His World
I’m not talking about the bevvy of mistresses that regularly strut
around in bikinis over at his mansion, unless you happen to be
dating Hugh Hefner (in which case you’ll need more advice than I
can offer here).
I’m talking about those women already in his life, those he
considers ‘pals’, ‘buddies’ and ‘friends-without-benefits’ (also
known as ‘friends’).
Many guys have varying degrees of female friends, and meeting
them can be quite nerve-wracking, especially if you feel sized up
and judged from the moment he introduces you as the new number
one woman in his life.
Embrace the fact that he has female friends. It’s likely to mean he
has some idea of how to treat women, and isn’t a one-dimensional
guy who only has male friends.
With this in mind, here are some quick ways of handling these girl
buddies of his:
•• Be interested – I’ve seen many women make the mistake of
assuming an immediately combative stance with all other
Matthew Hussey  325
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
women in their man’s life. They try to shun them, or shut
down around them, or attempt to pull their guy away from
them, as if they are perpetually scared these women are
looking to snatch him away from them.
This is a huge mistake!
The women will decide they don’t like you, and your man
will see this as petty, jealous behavior on your part. Worst
of all, he may begin feeling the need to see you and them
on separate occasions because he knows it’s awkward having
everyone in the same room together.
Solution
Do the exact opposite.
When you meet other women in his life, show them
attention, even if it means taking your attention off of him
sometimes.
Be excited that you have a bunch of potential new
girlfriends to spend time with and ingratiate yourselves
with them immediately. Be genuinely interested in who they
are, and don’t just ask about their relationship with your
guy. Treat them as separate and independent from him.
Warning: You don’t have to seem over-interested. It has
to be genuine, or it will seem like another form of game
playing. Just treat them like new people you’d like to be
friends with.
Some starter lines for you when speaking to them…
“Threat Crusher” Techniques
326  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
•• Compliment them:
“I really like your dress, where did you get it?”
•• Show interest in their origin story with him (especially if
you want them to show interest in yours):
“He told me the story of how you guys met. That’s so funny, I
love that story!”
•• Appreciate how long they’ve known him:
“I can’t believe you’ve known him that long, tell me some
embarrassing stories…”
•• Be their ally – Have fun playfully taking their side now and
again and teasing him. Don’t do this relentlessly, but it can
be a fun way to create some playful tension between you
and him.
If he says something obnoxious or sexist, be on the women’s
side and call him out for it. Show that you’re not going to
just be on your guy’s side whenever he is totally wrong or
just being a guy!
If the subject of men leaving the toilet seat up came about,
you could say:
“Look, we know you don’t mean to but…”
The ‘we’ aligns you with them as a fellow woman and
increases the sense of community between you all.
Matthew Hussey  327
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Perhaps one of his friends arrived late to a dinner you were
all having, and he is complaining to you all that women take
forever to get ready and are always late. You might say:
“Hey, every girl wants to look pretty, make sure her hair and
makeup looks nice. She never knows who she’s going to meet
that night! I mean I didn’t just roll out of bed when I met you!”
This is a subtle way of defending her and showing that you
have her back as a woman.
It may also be the case that on occasion they are making fun
of him. Maybe they are making fun of the way he is about
comic books.
When they are teasing him playfully be affectionate with
him and enjoy the fact that the women are cracking jokes at
him, but then whisper in his ear:
“I think that’s so adorable, I love it”.
Or when they are making fun of how he geeks-out about
video games, say:
“I never knew that! Don’t worry babe I still think you’re the
sexiest man in the room.”
•• Show them how much you admire him – On the opposite
side, make sure you show them that you think he’s really
special and that you see what a great guy he is.
Just don’t take this for meaning you need to cling to him
constantly and be kissing him all night in front of them.
328  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
If everyone feels so uncomfortable by your PDA (Public
Display of Affection) that they start looking around for the
fire exit, you’ve gone too far!
Here are some examples of how to ‘admire’ him publicly
(tailor them to your guy of course)…
These are great things to say to his female friends when he’s
not present, but some can be said in front of him too. If he
happens to be there when you are saying something lovely
about him, all the better.
“He’s so genuine.”
“I love the way he makes me feel, and it means a lot that I’m
meeting people that are close to him because he seems to
surround himself with really great people”
(This is a fantastic way to pay them a compliment at the
same time as him).
“He’s so smart, I learn new things from him every day.”
“I love that he enjoys talking about nerdy stuff, it’s the best, I love
that side of him.”
“When he met my friends they loved him. He was so charming
and kind. That’s one of the things I really appreciate about him,
he is kind to people and always welcoming”
(This has the added effect that when he hears he did a great
job with your friends, he’ll be encouraged to get even closer
to them next time).
Matthew Hussey  329
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“It’s so impressive watching him work. It’s like watching him in
his element. He’s so in control and able to handle business. I love
watching it.”
(Men love when you appreciate them ‘doing their thing’,
whatever that may be. Someone said this about me and I’ve
never forgotten it.)
Another way to admire him publicly is when he says
something intelligent, or simply something you agree with
in front of everybody. You can say:
“That’s a really good point babe.”
“I’d never thought about it that way, that’s really interesting.”
•• Don’t ever try to compete by showing how much better
you know him – You might feel like you have a once-ina-lifetime-so-amazing-unique connection with him. And
maybe you do. But maybe you’ve only been dating him a
few months. These girls might have known him for a lot
longer.
Show respect for their connection and don’t feel the need
to brag and exaggerate how much you’re a part of his life;
it will only reveal insecurity on your part. Let him tell them
that. You don’t need educate them on how close the two of
you are, they will see for themselves.
Remember, you’re going home with this guy at the end of
the night. Not them. You don’t need to prove anything
about how special your relationship is to them. The most
important thing is that they see you as an individual, and
not merely as your boyfriend’s accessory.
330  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
Instead, here are a couple of things you can do:
Preface what you say about him with a little humility:
“We’ve only been dating for a few months so I don’t know
everything, but from what I have learned about him…”
Take the opportunity to pay their connection with him a
compliment:
“It’s so nice being around you guys who know him so well.”
“You know him so well, what sort of thing do you think he’d like
to do on this special night I’m planning?”
(You could do this on his birthday or a special occasion.
Asking them their opinion on something important is a
great way to compliment them on how close they are with
him and show that you accept them.)
Or, in a private moment with her, quite simply talk about
the nice things he says about her:
“It’s been really great spending time with you. He speaks very
highly of you.”
“He always tells the story of that time when you helped him out.
He really appreciates you. And I appreciate how good you are to
him. It’s really lovely to see.”
“I can see your friendship means a lot to him.”
Matthew Hussey  331
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
•• Do not criticize other women to him – The cardinal rule is
simply to stay classy.
Maybe you think one of his girl pals is dumb, or shallow, or
bitchy, or even just boring.
But know that nothing is gained by you bringing this up
unnecessarily. This really is one area where if you can’t
think of anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all! If as
soon as your boyfriend gets in the car you burst out:
“Linda is so ditsy and annoying. I couldn’t stand her!”
It’s going to make it sound like you’re threatened by her, or
like he has bad taste in friends.
What you really want is him to see how amazing you are in
comparison to them.
It’s not about not having an opinion. By all means if he asks
your honest opinion on his friends you can give it. Just try
not to go on the attack, and do your best to focus on the
positives. Of course, if he gets in the car and starts saying
Linda is ditsy, then you have an opening to agree with him.
But even then you can actually stay classy by highlighting
her good points:
“Maybe a little, but she seems like a really kind person.”
You don’t need to be disingenuous and lie here – you can
acknowledge the girl is ditsy, but try to be the one who has
something nice to say about them, at least after the first
meeting. It doesn’t mean you have to become best friends
332  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
with his girl buddies – it just requires that you stay above
the petty insults.
Bottom line here – be the woman he’s proud he brought
to the party – the one who stands out from the crowd for
being warm and engaging. The nicer you are to them, the
more his girl pals are going to be complimenting you to him
when you leave.
Now, what if his female friend did something you didn’t
like? Here are some potential ways to bring it up:
“Is it me or is she a little cold? Maybe she’s just having a bad day?”
“Is it me or does she have a thing for you? I mean, I get why she
would. But have you ever picked up on that?”
“I don’t want to come off jealous, but they seem to be really
flirtatious with you, have you noticed that? I know you are
respectful, and that’s all I care about, I’m just curious.”
“Maybe I’m being a bit sensitive but this really hurt my feelings…”
(Important to say “it made ME feel” not “SHE did this…” Make it
about you, that’s the only thing that’s important to him.)
“I didn’t appreciate it when she said that and you didn’t say
anything… It felt a little like you weren’t there for me. I’m not
trying to be difficult, I just wanted to let you know.”
Matthew Hussey  333
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“I’m curious, what made you say that thing when we were with
your friends, because it sounded strange to me…”
(‘Curious’ is a word that is less confrontational and therefore more
likely to open up the channels of communication between you.)
I remember a time when I was dating someone and her best friend
was a guy. In fact, she had a lot of guy friends - she was that type of
woman. But this one she had been close to for years. In one specific
instance I noticed that he kissed her on the lips as we all said
goodbye at the end of a night out together. You may be thinking
this sounds awful, but believe me when I say it was harmless. It was
no different from a quick kiss on the cheek. But that wasn’t to say
that I felt comfortable with it as an ongoing thing. It had crossed a
line for me, and here is what I said to her:
“I love your friendship with X, I think it’s awesome. But I noticed
he kissed you on the lips as we all said goodbye. Maybe that’s
something the two of you have done for a while, but now that we
are together, is that something that I’m supposed to be okay with
moving forward?”
I didn’t say this in an aggressive way; I said it in a way that
suggested I was curious about what she was going to say. In fact my
tone was almost kind.
It wasn’t that if she said “yes” I would have moved on. Clearly there
was a deeper message I was sending. But I’m sure as soon as I said
it her head went to this place: “Uh-oh, if I send a message to him
that this is okay between me and this guy, I’m also saying that this
is something that’s okay for him with all of his female friends, and I
don’t want that. I need to show I respect him”.
I should also say that in reality he had put her in a slightly awkward
position by doing that in front of me in the first place. But I didn’t
334  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
bother to bad-mouth him, I kept it about me and her and the type
of relationship we wanted together.
She was emphatic right off the bat in saying: “Absolutely not. You
don’t ever need to be okay with that. I’m sorry, I’ll make sure he
knows from now on that that’s not okay, you’re absolutely right”.
I credit the laid-back tone and inquisitive nature of my question
with getting this kind of reaction. Had I been aggressive or
judgmental, I’m quite sure she would have tried to defend the
situation or simply make light of it as part of an immediate defense
strategy (that’s not to say she wouldn’t have come around later, but
it might have taken longer for us to get there).
Here are some other ways of expressing dissatisfaction when you
feel he has crossed a line:
“I don’t want to create any issues between you and your friends,
but that situation doesn’t feel cool with me. I know I wouldn’t do
that to you.”
“I don’t want to create any issues between our relationship and
your friends. I just didn’t like it when…”
What speaks to me about both of these examples is that you are
expressing a desire to keep his relationships with his friends intact.
You are simply expressing how you would like to be treated and
respected in the dynamic.
Remember, it’s not what his friends do that matters. You can’t
control them and neither can he. It’s how he reacts to situations that
arise with them that matters. You are dating him, not his friends.
Matthew Hussey  335
Chapter 60
How to React When He Says
He “Needs Space”
It’s a common occurrence in relationships. In the throes of passion
we yearn to get closer and closer and closer, until finally, one or
both partners finds themselves screaming inside: “Arrghhhh, I just
need some ME time!” It often has nothing to do with attraction,
and it doesn’t spell the end of a relationship. It’s a thought that
creeps in when we start to feel a loss of self when we come together
to be with someone else, and is often very easily fixed.
Giving our partners space is like creating a pressure valve that
allows us to relax in the knowledge that we still have a sense of
independence, even if it does come with more boundaries than we
have when we are single. It’s a chance for us to breathe, feel space,
and then importantly, feel desire for our partner who is not with us.
When they say absence makes the heart grow fonder, they should
really be saying: “Absence make desire grow stronger”.
It is desire that space stokes, even more than love, which is often
created when we are together getting closer to our partner. This
is the great battle we have in relationships; we need love that is
created by coming together, but to continue to be entertained in
a relationship we need the desire that begins to grow when we are
apart. We must master both if we want our relationships to last.
336  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
Therefore, the clever woman doesn’t just accept him needing space,
she encourages it.
Think about this for a moment:
He comes to you saying he wants to go out with just his guy friends
and you say:
“Oh so you don’t want me to come? OK then.”
And then you get cold. He either stays home and gets resentful, or
leaves and feels the urge (even if he’s too much of a gentleman to
actually do it) to complain to his friends about how you never give
him space.
What if instead you said:
“That’s great! I’m so glad you’re getting time with them, you’ve
been working so hard it’s about time you spend time with the
guys.”
Or what if he hasn’t been out with the guys in a while and you
proactively said:
“You should get out with the guys this week. I’m sure they miss
you and you haven’t seen them in a while.”
Key Idea
My dad once told me the key to relationships is to not give the
other person anything to rebel against. I’ve never forgotten that.
Matthew Hussey  337
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Here you are encouraging him to take space from you proactively,
which not only eliminates any urges he has to ‘rebel’ and take time
away from you, but also makes you seem strong and confident. If
he does go, he’ll be out with his friends excited to get back to you.
Here are some additional scripts:
“Babe, you should absolutely go to the game with just your
friends tonight.”
“That sounds so much fun, you’re going to have a riot.”
“Okay fine, go have fun, but you have to promise to make love to
me when you get home : )”
“I’m going to miss you, but I’m glad you are getting time with
your friends/family.”
“Babe, I’m going out this evening with the girls, why don’t you
see what the boys are doing?”
Important: Don’t make the mistake of thinking to yourself, “Okay,
it’s fine if he goes to see his friends without me, but if there are
other women there I should be invited”. This is not a fair way to
give space. Just because there are women there, it doesn’t change
anything. The key is not really giving him ‘time with his boys’; it’s
giving him time away from you - to miss you, to create a sense of
mystery between you, and to give you things to talk about when
you come back together. Be wary of creating unsustainable rules in
your relationships.
338  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
If you show you are supportive of his space, you will be much more
likely to have a man who wants to be close to you, and you’ll look
completely sexy and confident in the process.
Now, while we are on the subject, let’s make sure you know how to
ask for space when you need it for yourself.
There’s nothing wrong with asking for some “me time” when you
need it. But it’s how we communicate this desire for space that
makes all the difference.
The principle you want to follow is simple: Be direct, communicate
your need for space, but also make him feel important.
It’s a myth that men can’t handle independent women. A lot of men
can. What they really can’t deal with is women who make them feel
undesired.
So how can you communicate independence whilst making him feel
important and desired?
Here are examples:
1. “Honey, I really appreciate your help and I love having you
around me, I just need to get this done before I spend time
with you. I can’t wait to be with you when I’m finished
though.”
Another way of saying this is:
“Babe, I just want to get this done so I can give you my
undivided attention when I’m finished.”
Matthew Hussey  339
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
2. “I’m going to see Jane and the girls tonight, but when I get
back I’m going to want to rip your shirt off as soon as I’m
home, so be ready!”
3. “Susan invited me on a trip this weekend which sounds really
fun, but I know I’m going to miss you SO much! We have to
do a trip together soon just me and you okay?”
4. When you are about to leave him say, “I can’t wait to text you”
as a way of creating an ‘open loop’ – this is a marketing term
for creating something exciting that the person is looking
forward to and keeps their attention. It will also makes him
feel you aren’t just going to forget about him.
Be aware that if EVERY time you need some space you are treading
on eggshells hoping that he won’t take offence, this is a sign of an
unhealthy relationship. If your partner isn’t secure enough to give
you space to do things independently, this is something that must
be talked about in the relationship. You might bring it up like this:
“I love spending time with you, and I care deeply about our
relationship and making it as good as it can possibly be. That’s
exactly why I think it’s important for us to each have our own
things going on. It makes me miss you, it turns me on to get
excited about coming back to you, and it even makes you a little
mysterious to me which I find really sexy. I don’t say we should
each have our stuff going on because I don’t care. I’m saying it
because I love us and I think the thing that makes couples strong
are not just the moments when they are together, but the moments
when they are apart.”
Make no mistake; spending night and day with each other
relentlessly without having a world outside of your partner is death
340  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
to most relationships. Love is created by closeness; desire is born in
the space between two people. The passion in relationships is held
together by the constant ebb and flow of closeness and separateness.
In the words of Esther Perel: “Everyone needs a secret garden.”
Matthew Hussey  341
Chapter 61
How to Deal With His Bad Habits at Home
How often do these demands help you get what you want from a
guy?
“So, are you gonna look at the dishes in the sink or do you want
to help me put them away?”
“Do you think your clothes are gonna get up and walk
themselves to the laundry basket?”
“Why is the towel on the floor again? Is it so hard to hang it up
after you dry yourself off?”
“Can you please, for once, put your dish in the sink and not leave
it at the table? I’m not your maid.”
No man wants to be treated like a dunce while you pick apart his
failures with your eyes.
He’ll end up feeling patronized, angry, full of resentment, and
treated like an inept child.
That’s not to say he isn’t being a lazy pig, or selfish - he may well be.
But it’s important to know that how you approach the situation can
determine whether he changes his bad habits or continues to drag
his heels.
342  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
There is a way to get what you want by phrasing it differently,
which should help you to alleviate a lot of pointless arguments.
I don’t need to convince you that men don’t listen to nagging. As
women you have to be smart enough not to treat him like a child,
but a teammate instead. If he buys into the idea of the two of you as
teammates, he will look to work with you, not against you.
How do you do this? First, stop watching and supervising. It’s a
waste of energy. You need to communicate what you need to him,
then step back and allow for changes to happen. No one wants to
change while they are being monitored. They want to feel it is their
decision to change, not yours.
Also, if you make him feel like he is useless, don’t be surprised
when he acts that way. There is a difference between him doing
something lazy and him BEING lazy.
Trust me when I say you want him to have the image of himself as a
man who can fix problems.
Men have a deep need to be able to take care of the woman they love,
and men who feel like failures at this suffer a blow to their self-esteem
that actually makes them more incapable of satisfying you long-term.
Rather than putting out the fire in him, think about how to use its
energy in a way that’s useful to you.
The Sprinkler vs. the Power-Hose Approach
Every man must have genuine appreciation from his partner.
He needs two things to be satisfied in a relationship: He must feel
like you believe in his abilities to take care of you, and that you
appreciate the things he provides.
Matthew Hussey  343
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
If you say:
“God, you’re such a slob all the time, you’re useless. I’ve never
known a man who is so bad at keeping a place tidy! I hate living
like this, it’s ridiculous. You never do anything just to help me.”
He will now start thinking about the things he does do for you and
how it all counts for nothing.
This can easily turn to anger in his mind. He’ll be stunned that he
can be called useless when he tries so hard in other areas. He’ll feel
like all his hard efforts to be a man who provides and make his
woman feel taken care of are completely unappreciated.
So, his ego feels bruised. He becomes less attracted. He feels
resentment, and therefore acts coldly towards his partner, feeling
that there’s no point making an effort if it never seems appreciated.
Notice that his feelings of resentment are not about him having to
help more around the house. He probably even agrees with you that
this is a failing of his, and that he ought to be more diligent with
personal tidiness and helping with chores.
His resentment comes from his abilities as a partner being called
into question, and men become extremely defensive when their
abilities are questioned.
Instead, when you demand something from your man, always
begin with reassurance.
Reassure him that you appreciate him, and that he is a success as a
partner.
To do so, you can say:
344  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
“Babe, I know that you work so hard and we have such a lovely life
together, but it would make me feel so good if we can share a tidy,
cozy home together. I want us to feel good about coming home to
a clean, warm place. When the place is a mess and disorganized it
doesn’t feel nice to come home to. From now on will you help me
keep on top of it, because I can’t do it on my own?”
This is the initial Sprinkler Approach.
All you are doing is watering a seed in him. You are showing
appreciation for him, then telling him what’s wrong, but also asking
him for his help (which makes him want to be the shining knight
who helps you).
The Sprinkler Approach should always be your first choice when
dealing with a relationship problem.
Talk about how you want to work with him, and be a team together.
For example:
“Babe, you’d be saving the day if you could help me keep this place
tidy. I know after a long day of work it’s the last thing we both want
to do, but if you help me we have more time with each other to
enjoy the evening. I love when we act like the team we are.”
You can also say:
“I know you’re busy and it can be annoying, because I hate when
I need to do the dishes after cooking, but can we be a team? It
would be so helpful if you helped me with ____. I feel like I’m
doing it all alone and I know you’d never let that happen.”
Matthew Hussey  345
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
As a more playful option you could say:
“Babe, before you put on that sexy superman suit and save the
world, could you save your woman and help me with ____” (try
throwing him a kiss at the same time)
Or if he leaves the bathroom soaking wet after a shower you can
say:
“There’s water everywhere in here. Are you sure you’re not
secretly a dolphin?”
Now you’re pointing out how wet he leaves the shower without
having to chastise him.
Here is a nice phrase to start talking about an issue:
“I love how we can talk about anything, that’s why I wanted to
bring up that…”
By stating that you love how you can talk about anything with him,
you are softening the ground before you start.
But of course, sometimes he’ll repeat mistakes. Sometimes you’ll
feel more angry and frustrated, and you can’t be sweet and gentle
about every problem.
At this point, try more of a Power Hose Approach.
You tell your guy:
346  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
“Listen, we have to talk about this mess situation. You know
I love being with you, and you make me very happy. But this is
a situation I refuse to carry on with. I’ve always kept my house
tidy and I hope you would respect me enough to want to help
do that too. I know we have different natural habits, but this is
really important to me, and I need you to understand that. I don’t
deserve to live in a way that I can’t tolerate.”
This is much more direct and tells him that you mean business.
Here’s the beauty of it though: It raises your value and
communicates your standard without emasculating him by
failing to make him feel appreciated.
Alternatively:
“I need your help babe. I know I’ve brought this up before but
it would be so helpful if you helped me around the house. My
patience is running thin because I’ve always kept my house tidy.
I would hope you respect me enough to want to help out. I don’t
deserve to live in a way that I can’t tolerate. Not to mention, it will
cause bickering between the two of us and we both don’t want
that.”
This precise tone and language will always get a man to take your
demand seriously and understand your need in no uncertain terms.
Rather than see it as daily nagging, i.e. you keep telling him to pick
up his clothes and wash his dishes - you are giving him a serious
talk that outlines just how important this is to your happiness in a
relationship.
Want your man to take out the garbage?
Matthew Hussey  347
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“It would mean a lot to me if you did this. This isn’t about me
trying to get you to do something silly where I just want to nag
or control you. I’ll never be a nag, but it’s not just taking out the
garbage – it’s what it means to me. It shows you’re there for me
and that you’re being a genuine teammate.” People argue when
they should get back to a place where they say, “You and I are
teammates and though taking out the garbage isn’t the most
important thing in the world, it’s one of the little things that
shows me you’re in my corner.”
Remember, if both of you buy into the frame that you are
teammates, the jobs you don’t like doing are irrelevant, because it
becomes about making life better for each other.
348  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 62
How to Know When to Say “I Love You”
Saying “I love you” feels like one of those magic milestones in
a relationship. It’s certainly no guarantee of future relationship
happiness or success, but for most men it’s a sign of significant
feelings towards you to say the least. The words mean more to some
men than others of course, but it’s safe to say for many they are a
sign of real commitment.
Like when you decide to move in together, or when he wants you to
meet his family, or the first time he makes you breakfast after sex, it
shows you’ve leveled up in your relationship.
If your man doesn’t seem close to uttering those words and you’re
already some way down the line, you probably feel annoyed right
now. Or maybe you’re just anxious because you are ready to say
them yourself, but you don’t want to make the leap to say them if
he’s not there with you.
Who says it first?
In general, I think it’s always nice if the guy makes the first move to
saying “I love you”.
It gives you a way of knowing where you stand in his affections, and
it’s an important moment when a guy signals his intention to move
things forward.
Matthew Hussey  349
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
But what if he just won’t say it?
What if he shows loving, kind, caring behavior, but just won’t let the
damn words exit his mouth?
It could mean two things:
(1) He struggles with showing affection
(2) He’s not ready for a bigger commitment and doesn’t want
to create bigger expectations with you
The first of these you have a good amount of control over, so let’s
deal with that first.
Some guys are just more cautious than others. Saying ‘I love you’
feels like a big step and he’s scared to take it. It doesn’t mean he
doesn’t want to, and it isn’t always a sign of lack of commitment. It’s
just scary. (There are of course other guys who simply aren’t adept
at expressing feelings in this way.)
With this type of guy, you have to give him certainty.
You can tell he’s on the verge of saying he loves you when he starts
saying phrases like:
“I care about you so much”
“I adore you”
“I’m so into you”
“I’m crazy about you”
“You’re one of the most special people in my life”
“You make me so happy”
350  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
“I’ve never met anyone like you”
This already tells you he is feeling close to love - if not feeling it
already. If he’s saying these things, he’s probably near to it but is
holding himself back.
You need to show him it’s safe to say it.
You should never rush a guy, but you can show him that you’d be
happy for him to express his feelings of love.
Here’s what you say:
“I feel so close to you. You’re so special to me. But it’s hard for
me to know if you feel the way about me that I do about you. I
want to express the way I feel, but I don’t want to feel alone in
saying it. Are there things you want to say sometimes that you
hold yourself back from? Or is that just me?”
If he says yes, ask him,
“What makes you scared to say how you feel?”
Or you can go sweet with it and say:
“I just want you to know that whenever you want to say those
things, I’ll have a big smile on my face.”
Now you’ve shown him that (a) You have strong feelings for him,
and (b) it’s safe for him to speak his own.
At this point, you must NOT push him any further.
Matthew Hussey  351
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
He may come around in a week and say it, or maybe even a month,
but do NOT push it.
Key Idea
You’ll only make him feel observed and under pressure which
will make him shrink even more away from saying it. You
can nudge him, but he still needs to feel like it is his own
spontaneous decision.
Show that it’s okay for him to be vulnerable
As part of the bigger conversation in getting a guy to open up with
his feelings more, it’s important to provide a safe environment
where you encourage moments of openness.
If he says:
“You made me smile today”
You can say:
“Awww, I love that. It feels so good. You make me smile too.
When else do I make you smile?”
In this way you encourage him to keep going.
You need to make him better at saying how he feels about you.
If he says you look great one morning when you wake up, say to
him:
352  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
“I really love it when you tell me I look good in the morning. It
makes me feel so sexy.”
Think of the road to expressing feelings as a series of conversations
that build, instead of one single relationship-defining moment like
it is in the movies.
What if he still won’t say it?
If a guy still won’t tell you he loves you after another month or two,
it’s time to be more direct.
You have to face the second possibility we talked about above: that
a guy may not be saying he loves you because he doesn’t want to
invest too much in the relationship.
This means he may not see it going anywhere, and you are better
confronting him now than just ignoring it.
Here’s something you can say:
“So I have a better understanding of where you’re headed,
I’d like to share something that’s been on my mind. We have
such memorable, special moments together and during those
moments I find myself saying, “I love you” in my head. I haven’t
heard those ‘three words’ come out of your mouth even though
I can feel it when we’re around each other. Could you help me
understand why? Are you scared? If so, what are you afraid of?
You’re an incredible man and with anyone else I’d walk away if
I hadn’t heard the three words, but I care about you and about
us, and I want this to work. Could you let me in and help me
understand?”
Matthew Hussey  353
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
He may come back with this:
“I have an amazing time with you, but I don’t see why it’s so
important that we say that. They’re just words. Isn’t it more
important how much we get on when we spend time together?”
To which you can respond:
“Yes, you’re right. I completely understand where you are coming
from because I value actions more than words. But I also want
to be with someone who is willing and able to express their
feelings for me. I think it’s really attractive when two people can
share their feelings with each other. Their actions might say it
as well, but it doesn’t mean the words are meaningless. I would
understand if you said I don’t feel that way - that’s different.
But if you feel it then there are times where it would be really
beautiful to hear it. I think you’re an incredible man, and when
I’m around you I have a real connection. But that doesn’t mean
I can just have that feeling on my own. If you’re scared, tell me
why and we’ll talk about it. Or if you don’t feel it, I’d rather you
be honest with me about it.”
Key Idea
You need to make sure that you come at this from a position
of strength. You are not begging him to love you back. You are
communicating: this is how I feel, and if you don’t have these
feelings too, then I could be gone from your life, because I won’t
spend it with a man who doesn’t feel the same way.
Remind him that it’s okay if he doesn’t feel that way, but make it
clear that you won’t be around forever either. E.g.
354  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
“If you don’t feel the same way, then tell me. This feeling is only
fun if we both have it. If you don’t feel it too, I’m a big girl, I can
handle it, and I know I’ll find someone who does feel that so I
wouldn’t settle for less.”
If after a month more he still doesn’t say it, you can gradually back
away with the knowledge that you made yourself clear.
He will now start to feel scared at the possibility of losing you, and
think to himself, “Shit, what am I doing?”
If he’s been dragging his heels, there’s a much better chance he’ll
come around and say he loves you.
If he doesn’t, you know that this guy doesn’t really want to invest
fully in the relationship and you can put some distance between
you, knowing that he isn’t looking for something serious.
Have the first conversation, then wait and see what happens. It may
be appropriate to have this conversation after three months, six
months, or longer, depending on you and your man’s beliefs about
how long it takes to decide you love someone. My experience is
that if after a year it has still not been broached, there is something
bigger at play, whether it’s the way he was raised (which may come
up in the conversation) or that he doesn’t want commitment.
The second conversation can take place if there has been no
progress months after the first conversation. It is there to make
clear that you have a standard and won’t be around forever while he
decides.
Matthew Hussey  355
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Key Idea
Above all, remember relationships are a process by which you
and he get to know each other’s standards for openness and
expression. This journey of learning each other’s expectations is
not a single conversation. It’s a process.
356  Matthew Hussey
Chapter 63
How to Bring Up Marriage
People ask me this one all the time. But before we even get into
bringing up marriage between the two of you, ask yourself this
question:
“Is this the man I see myself marrying?”
If you don’t, ignore this chapter and come back to it when you
actually have someone in front of you that you want to commit to
in this way.
Here’s the thing: THERE IS NO ‘BRINGING UP’ THE
MARRIAGE CONVERSATION.
The question of marriage should be an ongoing conversation that
you talk about on various occasions.
It’s not as though you go along for six months never bringing up
the topic and then one day you suddenly have ‘The Marriage
Conversation’.
In fact, when a man is trying to work out whether you are marriage
potential, he’s likely to already be asking questions around the
subject. Questions like:
Matthew Hussey  357
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
“Do you believe that monogamy can work over the long term?”
“Are you old fashioned when it comes to the way you think of
taking care of a family?”
“Do you see yourself with kids? How many?”
“Do you think sex is important in a long-term relationship?”
“Where do you think you would raise a family?”
Regardless of whether he does bring these kinds of subjects up
(and if he does, it’s a great opportunity for you to ask the questions
back), if marriage is something you see for yourself, it’s something
that’s worth making clear throughout your relationship. You should
have conversations early on in your relationship to learn his views
on marriage so that it’s not a surprise to you what they are, and of
course, so that he knows yours.
If you’re six months down the line and have no clue what your guy’s
thoughts on marriage are, it only shows that you are insecure about
the subject.
So talk about it!
I’m not saying you should put it out there on the first date (but if
the conversation goes that way naturally, there’s no rule against
knowing what his views are early on!), but usually it will come up
after a month, two months, or in some conversation about your
future.
You can prompt this by asking direct questions, such as:
358  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
“Could you ever see yourself spending your life with someone…?”
“Does the idea of marriage appeal to you…?”
“Do you see yourself with kids one day?”
Early on, keep conversation focused on the concept of marriage,
not the idea of you being married to him. Otherwise it sounds too
much like you’re planning a wedding ceremony.
You could also say:
“I’ve always loved the idea of someone being on this journey with
me, where we grow together and travel and have adventures…”
Now you are making it clear to him what your vision is, and he can
decide how he feels about it.
Later on in the relationship, even joking about the subject can put
the idea in his head. For example: “That’s the kind of house we
should live in when we’re married” when you see an enormous
castle, or “we’d be such a better married couple than those guys…”
after you’ve been out with your friends.
It’s like seeing a kid throwing a temper tantrum and joking: “Our
kids would never do that”.
It’s also possible to make marriage a possibility in both of your
minds without making it a certainty. If you were watching a travel
show on Italy and you fell in love with it as a location, you could
say:
“If we ever get married can we have our honeymoon in Rome?”
Matthew Hussey  359
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
By saying “If ” at the beginning of the sentence he gets to answer the
question without directly saying that he’s going to marry you. He
still gets to indulge the fantasy and marriage becomes a subject fit
to talk about instead of a taboo.
In more reflective moments in your relationship, you might even be
slightly more direct. Let’s say the two of you were on holiday and
you saw a couple that were just married walking down the beach
together. You might ask in a very relaxed way:
“Do you ever see that for us?”
This allows the two of you to have an honest conversation in a very
relaxed and positive moment.
It’s true that the sooner you know what he thinks on the big
subjects of marriage and children, the sooner you know whether
you are compatible with this guy in the long-term. After all, the
more you communicate, the less surprises there are. Just always be
sure to bring it up in a positive, relaxed and strong way.
Make sure you listen to his answer and take it for what it is. If the
answer is negative, for the love of God don’t fool yourself into
thinking you can change his mind. It may just be easier to change
the guy instead.
Always remember that marriage (and having a family) may be
things you really want in the long term, but it’s his job to prove to
you he is the right guy to have those things with. There are many
things he might do over time that make him wrong for those parts
of your future, including showing you that he doesn’t want them!
A word on how much pressure to put on a man:
360  Matthew Hussey
Part 8  How to Talk to Men…in a Relationship
I don’t need to tell you that pressuring a man into anything in life
is a bad idea. It turns him into a ticking time bomb, waiting to
explode and wreck the whole thing. If you make a guy feel that
there is intense pressure for him to marry you, he’ll likely either
run or propose and then resent you for it, which can manifest
itself in all sorts of painful ways for your relationship.
So how do you make sure he knows that there is a limit to how long
you will wait without making him feel coerced and pressured?
You can say:
“I know that this is something that is important to me. But it’s so
important to me that I know I don’t want it with someone who
feels like they have to. So you never have to feel like you have to
marry me because I don’t want that. But I know that by a certain
point I’ll need to go and find someone that shares this goal with
me because I can’t be uncertain about it in a relationship forever.
This isn’t something you need to know tomorrow, but it is
something you have to think about, and if you decide it’s not for
you, I need you to talk to me about it so we can make a decision.”
If after this conversation you still find yourself wondering with too
much time having elapsed, simply say to him:
“I think it’s best I take some time to think about what I want so
that we don’t waste each other’s time. I never want to set some
arbitrary date by which you have to marry me. Nothing could be
less romantic than that. So rather than do that I think I should
take some space from the relationship and figure out what I want
to do next.”
Matthew Hussey  361
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
Then you take a few weeks or even months to give each other
space. This may sound scary, but for the first time he will be
wondering what’s going to happen, instead of you.
It shows you are not afraid to go out and get what you want. It’s not
a rash decision. You are not about to go and meet someone else
tomorrow. But it creates space for him to think, and it allows you to
take your personal power back.
You may say that this is tantamount to a break up, but it’s more of
an intermediary step. You may say it’s too scary to take space from
a relationship you love. But you have to ask yourself if this is more
scary than spending a life with someone whom you resent for
having robbed you of something you really wanted in life.
Only you can decide if marriage is an important enough goal to you
to make this sacrifice.
If you know it is that important to you, and at the end of this period
there is no change on his side, let him know that it’s time you move
on and see other people.
This process will have given him the opportunity to sell himself
on marriage and know that there are real consequences to being
indecisive, without having been given some immediate and rushed
ultimatum.
I outline this strategy in more detail in my Keep The Guy video
program.
362  Matthew Hussey
Final Thoughts
So there you have it. It’s taken me a long time to bring all of this
advice to one place. A lot of conversations, arguments, flirtations,
seductions and relationships had to happen for these scripts to even
exist in their now refined form. But I’m very proud with the end
result, and I feel even more proud when I think of the gift that you
now have for the rest of your life as a result.
This isn’t simply an e-book. It is a tool belt, and a powerful one at
that. Each phrase is a wonderful device that will reap rewards for
you that other people rarely get to experience.
When most people stumble across saying these things, it is usually
by accident. For you, the rewards of a wonderful relationship will
happen because you made them purposeful, with the men you
choose, instead of simply those that choose you. Others may think
that you are getting the results because of luck, but you will know
better.
I never meant for this program to be prescriptive in the negative
sense. Despite having this knowledge I can assure you that my
own relationships and encounters with the opposite sex have been
anything but prescriptive. In fact, these tools I have passed onto you
have made me freer. Because I have had these phrases, my mind
has developed an awareness of why things work. Why certain words
produce desired outcomes and others create disaster; why certain
phrases induce someone to help you and others create friction; why
some ideas develop attraction and others diminish it.
Matthew Hussey  363
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
This awareness allows me to play with the concepts at will,
changing them and adapting them to suit different situations,
but always keeping the underlying fundamentals in mind. A jazz
pianist who decides to freestyle may create magic to the ear, but it is
only because he has played the rudiments over and over again that
he is able to fully enjoy this freedom.
Always remember, it is structure that makes true spontaneity
possible, and when spontaneity fails, it is the structure that will
provide a safety net you will always be grateful for.
Enjoy your new powers my friend!
364  Matthew Hussey
Glossary
Assumptive Attitude
Showing certainty by assuming interest from a guy instead of
holding back and doubting. E.g. “Let’s go see a movie this weekend!”
In the above example, rather than asking whether they would like
to go to the movies you have simply assumed they want to. This
certainty most often results in greater attraction.
Attraction Formula
Refers to the different components necessary for creating lasting
attraction: Visual Chemistry, Perceived Value, Perceived Challenge
and Connection.
Bliss Point
The sweet spot between being warm enough to draw someone
in and being assertive enough to communicate the standards
you expect. It is the right balance of ‘salty’ and ‘sweet’ that
keeps someone wanting more of you, even when you are being
demanding.
Connection
In the context of our Attraction Formula, Connection refers to the
synergy between two people’s deeper beliefs, ideas and attitudes
towards life. They don’t have to be the same, but they do have to
compliment each other on some level if two people are to spend
Matthew Hussey  365
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
lots of time (and indeed their lives) together. In this sense it can
be seen as the opposite end of the spectrum to Visual chemistry,
which is far more superficial.
Disqualification
The act of either jokingly or seriously telling a person why they
are wrong for you. It could be due to life circumstances or simply
clashes in personality traits that mean it wouldn’t or couldn’t
work between you. The act of disqualifying someone can have the
potent effect of making them want you much more, and want to
overcome obstacles to be with you. It can either be used seriously
when communicating a standard (i.e. “I could never be with you,
you are always late for everything and I hate when people are late”)
or playfully when setting up a false obstacle (i.e. “If we weren’t
colleagues, we’d be so much trouble for each other”).
Embedded Command
This is when your language contains an implicit order for someone
to do something. It need not be framed aggressively. In fact,
embedded commands often work best when given in a playful or
mock arrogant way.
E.g. “Hey stranger I miss your voice, call me!”
Perceived Challenge
The extent to which someone sees it as a challenge to earn the right
to benefit from your Perceived Value.
Value which is given freely without any standards or rules attached
often gets taken for granted and results in being valued less.
When someone had standards for themselves other people see
it as a challenge to live up to their standards, and as a result their
Perceived Value increases too.
366  Matthew Hussey
Glossary
Perceived Value
The amount of value one is seen as having the potential to bring
to any relationship or interaction. It can be measured in lifestyle,
connections, the energy one brings to other people, and, most
importantly, the unique personality traits they have that make them
different from other people (see: Unique Pairings).
Personal Standard
A standard that you yourself hold to, regardless of what society or
other people adopt.
It is useful when discussing something a man did that you did
not approve of to frame it things in terms of your own personal
standard as opposed to condemning his actions for being ‘wrong’
all of the time. In this way it simply becomes a matter of your
standard, which is a matter of personal choice for you, as opposed
to views of what is right and wrong, which can become very
complex. This tends to take personal disputes away from the
direction of attack or personal judgement.
E.g. “What you are doing right now might be something that is okay
for you, but it’s not something I want in my life. If you want to do
that, you have to go and do it with a different partner who isn’t me.”
Pre-framing a Behavior
The act of creating the behavior you want in the future by making
it clear in your communication what you like or don’t like, either
directly or indirectly. By doing so, you can create a blueprint in a
man’s mind for what you want and how to please you, without
having to go through all of the mistakes a man inevitably makes
when he has no idea of your desires and standards beforehand.
Matthew Hussey  367
How To Talk To Men  59 Secret Scripts
E.g. “It’s so attractive when a man goes out of his way to plan a date
instead of leaving it till the last minute. When you show up to a date
and a man knows where he wants to take you it’s really sexy.”
Provide and Protect
Two of a man’s primal instincts - the desire to protect a woman and
the desire to provide for her. Both of these instincts are strongly tied
to his ability to see himself as an alpha male. When he is around
a woman who makes him feel like he does these things on a high
level, not only does it encourage him to do them more, it makes him
less likely to want to have these needs satisfied by someone else.
Scarcity
Showing a guy that something about you is either rare or in short
supply. You can demonstrate scarcity by drawing attention to the
fact that you have qualities that not many people have. It can also
be create by drawing attention to things that you only do for people
you have a close connection with, or commitment from. Scarcity
can be demonstrated through gestures you only do for certain
people, or by showing that your time and/or presence is limited.
E.g. “I really have to get back to my friends. We are supposed to be on
a girls’ night.”
Unique Pairings
Two personality traits that are distinctly different but highly
complementary to each other - they are often characterised by
being difficult to find in the same person. For example, whilst
finding someone with a good sense of humor is a positive, it
becomes much more powerful when you find someone who not
only knows how to make light of a situation, but can also be serious
in the right moments. Likewise, when a man finds a woman who
can be both feminine and independant, he sees a Unique Pairing.
368  Matthew Hussey
Glossary
Visual Chemistry
The simple way to look at this is the physical attraction between
two people. Part of this comes from looks, but it can also be
influenced by body language, facial expression, someone’s physical
energy and use of space.
Matthew Hussey  369