Overall:
-
Quite basic range of vocabulary, and repeated words (maybe look up synonyms and topic
vocabulary before writing)
Decent ideas
Inconsistent structure (second passage is way shorter than the third one)
Opening:
- I suggest you add a hook
- Rather that-> rather than
Second passage:
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Point not clear
No thesis statement (or not related to supporting ideas)
Third passage:
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Good idea but not in-depth, more supporting ideas
Ending:
-
Last sentence has a grammar mistake
Giving a suggestion is a good idea