Between Parent and Child, by Dr. Haim G. Ginott, 1965, 2003
p. 11 Preaching and criticizing creates distance and resentment. Children often resist talking to parents. They
resent being preached to, talked at and criticized. They say parents talk too much.
p. 12 - Respond to children's feelings, not their behavior. Communication with children should be based on
respect. It requires 1) that the message preserves the child's as well as the parents self-respect, 2) that
statements of understanding precede statements of advice or instruction.
p. 13 - When children are in the midst of strong emotions, they cannot listen to anyone. They cannot accept
advice or consolation or constructive criticism.
p.14 - By listening, she was respecting her son's feelings and acknowledging his perception.
examples:
 It must have been terribly embarrassing
 It must have made you furious
 You must have hated the teacher at that moment
 It must have hurt your feelings terribly
 It was a bad day for you.
p.16 - Usually when children find it difficult to cope, they become angry and blame others for their predicament,
which usually enrages parents who then blame their children. Parents need to learn to hear the feelings of fear,
despair, and helplessness that the angry outburst hides.
Saying, "it's not nice to feel that way or you have no reason to feel that way," does not banish strong feelings.
p. 20
Behind many childhood questions is the desire for reassurance.
Respond to feelings, not the event.
p. 21 - It is a deep comfort to children to discover that their feelings are a normal part of the human experience.
"I'm bad at math"
Not helpful response: "if you studied more..."
Good Responses:
 Math is not an easy subject
 Some of the problems are hard to figure out.
 You must be worried about failing, us being disappointed in you.
 I bet you can't wait for the hour to pass.
p. 26 We can spare a child much guilt and anxiety acknowledging and voicing ambivalent feelings:
"You seem to feel two ways about your teacher - you like and dislike her."
" You admire your brother and also resent him."
" You would like to go to camp, but also stay home."
p. 27 - Feelings can not be judged or condemned. It is important for a child to know what they feel, rather than
why they feel it.
p. 28 - Be an emotional mirror - "it looks like you are angry, it sounds as if you're disgusted with the whole
situation."
PRAISE
p. 30-38 - Children need to be free from the pressure of evaluative praise so that others do not become their
source of approval.
Do not say, "You are great" or "You are a good little boy."
He thinks I cannot be "good" when he recently wished his mom would disappear. The more he is praised, the
more he acts out to show his "true self."
It is possible that misbehaving is the child's way of communicating private reservations about a public image.
Don't praise by saying "you're so smart." Child may rebel because the praise is too much pressure. "You're so
smart" can cause anxiety, may feel she's far from smart and can't live to label.
In contrast - when children are praised for their EFFORTS, they become more persistent in difficult tasks.
Praise should only deal with children's efforts and accomplishments, not with character and personality.
Make child feel glad of their efforts and proud of their accomplishments, to feel within themselves the pride of a
task well done. (Not "what would I do without you," or "you're such a wonderful daughter," but rather: " the
yard was so dirty, I can't believe you cleaned it in one day! It's a pleasure to look at! You put in a lot of effort.")
Don't praise personality.
Praise consists of two parts - what we say to children and what they in turn say to themselves. We want them
to draw a realistic conclusion from our words, our children cannot help but to paint a positive picture of
themselves from our words: Workbench is heavy, it's hard to move. (But I did it!) It takes a lot of strength. (I am
strong!)
Alternatively: You are so strong - may respond with "no I'm not, there are stronger boys than me..."
Do not praise personality or physical or mental attributes. Children to do not like to be evaluated.
There is a better way: Description that details delight and admiration, words that convey recognition of effort
,and statements that transmit respect and understanding.
Describe situation instead - pleasure to watch you play soccer, especially last 10 seconds when you saw an
opportunity to score.
"it must feel great to get a goal." Not: " you're such a great player."
"Thank you for washing the car, it looks new again" (I did a good job, my work is appreciated!)
"Your letter brought me great joy" (I can bring happiness to others) vs. You're a great writer.
"Your composition gave me several new ideas" (I can be original!) vs. you write well for your age.
Guidance over criticism
Deal with event, not person.
ANGRY FEELINGS
Angrier the parent, the more the child needs to be reassured.
Anger should be expressed in a way that brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no
harmful side effects to either of them.
We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child's personality or character.
"When I call you to dinner and you don't come I get angry, very angry. I say to myself I cooked a good meal and I
want some appreciation, not frustration."
"It makes me angry to see you hit your brother. I get so mad inside myself that I see red. I start boiling. I can
never allow you to hurt him."
p. 53 Respond to upset feelings, rather than to irritating behavior.
Example - boy angry, acting annoying. Brother responded by telling him to grow up, just made him angrier.
Mom said, "David is upset today, he is worried about his visit to the dentist. Right now he needs our
consideration." Boy calmed down.
Instead of "there's no reason to carry on, I won't fix it till you stop screaming." Try: "You're crying because the
hammer is stuck. We need to ix it."
Define problem and suggest a solution.
p. 55 An empathetic response that mirrors to children their upset feelings and expresses the parents sympathy
and understanding is effective in changing children's angry moods.
Summary - We acknowledge effort or express appreciation, but we do not label or evaluate the child.
When there are problems we look for solutions rather than blame or criticize.
THREATS, BRIBES, PROMISES
p. 58
Threats are invitations to misbehavior. If you say, "If you do that once more" child hears "do it once more." A
warning serves as a challenge to a child's autonomy. Needs to show to himself and to others that he is not afraid
to respond to a dare.
Bribes -" if - then." If means we're not sure you can.
Rewards are most helpful when they come as a surprise, when they represent recognition and appreciation.
When parents must make promises to emphasize that they mean what they say, then they are as much
admitting that their "umpromised" word is not trustworthy.
Promises also build up unrealistic expectations in children . When something is promised it is seen as a
commitment, kids do not consider that the day may be rainy, that she will not be sick, etc. Since life is not
without mishaps, however, children come to feel betrayed and that their parents can't be trusted.
Promises about future good behavior - also should not be requested. When a child makes a promise that is not
their own, she draws a check on a bank she has no account.
Sarcasm - bad. "We're you brought up in a jungle? What makes you think you know all the answers? What's the
matter with you anyhow?"
Don't lecture - keep it brief. Say to them, "You choose, do you want the normal lecture or do you want to take
care of the complaint?" Selective silence helps them think through without your opinion.
LYING
Don't ask questions that will cause defensive lying
Don't ask questions you know the answer to. instead of "did you clean your room?" Say, I see the room has not
been cleaned yet."
Sometimes kids lie because they're not allowed to tell the truth.
When you're truthful, you get punished, when you lie, you get love.
Don't use "why?".Why is seen as criticism. Don't ask rhetorical questions that can't be answered. "Why are you
so selfish? Why do you forget everything I tell you?"
To handle stolen money: "You took a dollar from my wallet, I want it returned." After its returned, "when you
need the money ask me and we'll talk it over." "You know that I know, it has to be returned ." (But do not beg
for a confession.)
Teach politeness without being rude. Instead of "It's rude to interrupt" try "I would like to finish telling my
story."
Instead of "What do you say when you get a gift?" model by saying, "thanks aunt Patricia for the gift" (child will
probably follow suit)
FEELINGS
p. 78 - Children should be allowed to feel all their feelings, but there are acceptable ways of coping with feelings.
Strong feelings cannot be denied, reasoned with or talked out of existence. To attempt to ignore then is to
invite disaster.
Questions convey curiosity. Statements convey sympathy.
"Something unpleasant happened to you today. It was not a good day for you. It seems like you had a bad day.
You must have been humiliated. It must have made you angry/embarrassed."
Instead of labeling: "You're so selfish," say, "Son, the pudding needs to be divided among four people."
Blaming isn't helpful in a crisis. Solution focused is better.
p. 90
Food - we provide many options, choosing is your responsibility.
Homework - strictly the responsibility of the child and the teacher. When a parent takes over -homework is now
used as a weapon by the children, way to control, blackmail.
The child's homework should not be interrupted by questions and errands can wait. We should remain in the
background giving comfort and support rather than instruction and assistance.
No comments should be made about manners of sitting, neatness of appearance, or the care of furniture. Some
kids rock, stand, chew a pencil -may help them.
"I don't want to do my homework, I'm too tired!" Response: "I can see you're tired. You've been working very
hard. Come back when you're ready."
No threats Example - Instead of "no more tv, from now on you study every day... I'm going to make sure of it!" This only
creates angry parents and defiant kids.
Try "Son, we expect you to do better, to become informed and more knowledgeable. The world needs more
capable people. There are still so many problems that need solutions. You could help."
Allowance - should not be used as a reward for good behavior or payment for chores - purely educational
device.
Instead of threats use statements. "When the table is clear, dessert will appear."
Appreciate effort. Let them draw conclusions about their worth.
Instead of "if you practiced more, you would play better." Acknowledge "the violin is not easy. Not everyone can
take it up. It takes determination to play."
A child is encouraged most when he or she knows that difficulties are understood and appreciated.
A child feels more encouraged by sympathetic understanding of difficulties than my advice, praise or readymade
instant solutions.
Child isn't bad - but "needs improvement." Needs improvement in expressing anger without insult and in
resolving arguments peacefully.
p. 111
Our "yes" may be gratifying to a child, but other statements (see below) give child satisfaction of making his or
her own decisions, and of enjoying our faith in her.
"If you want."
"You decide about that"
"It is really up to you."
"Whatever you decide is fine by me."
DISCIPLINE
p. 112
"Above all, do not do damage."
Discipline should be done without damage to their emotional well being.
The essence of discipline is finding effective alternatives to punishment.
When parents punish children, they enrage them. Immersed with rage and absorbed in grudges, they can't listen
or concentrate.
What happens when parents enrage their children? They start to hate themselves and their parents. They want
to get even. They become preoccupied in revenge fantasies.
"How embarrassing for you to have to stand in the hall. How humiliating to be yelled at front of friends. No
wonder you're angry." This sympathetic response reflects her sons feelings and can diminish his rage and make
him feel understood and loved. No additional reprimand is necessary - already reprimanded at school. Parents
job is to help him get over his upset.
Empathy, a parent's ability to understand what a child is feeling is an important and valuable ingredient of child
rearing.
When children are punished, they resolve to be more careful, not more obedient or responsible.
PERMISSIVENESS
p. 117
The essence of permissiveness is the acceptance of children as persons who have a constitutional right to have
all kinds of feelings and wishes. Children cannot help how they feel, but they are responsible for the way they
express these feelings. Thus, they cannot be held responsible for their feelings, but only for their behavior.
We set limits on acts, we do not restrict wishes or feelings. Discipline problems have two parts - Angry feelings
and angry acts. Need to address urges that bring about the acts.
Children's resentment of the restrictions is anticipated and understood. Kids are not punished additionally for
resenting prohibitions.
Grant at least in fantasy what we cannot satisfy in real life. "You wish you could take some toys home." "How
you wish you could stay in bed today. How you wish today was Saturday. You wish you could sleep more. I know.
What would you like for breakfast?" Example of way to respond without causing resentment, inflicting hurt. iI.e.
It's the law! You have to! Get out of bed now!)
1) Parent recognizes the wish - "you wish you could go to the movies"
2) Parents clearly states limits on a specific act - "but the house rule is no movies on school nights."
3) Parent points out ways in which wish can be at least partially fulfilled. "You may go to the movies on Friday or
Saturday night."
4) Parent helps child express some of the resentment they feel with restrictions -"It is obvious you don't like the
rule, you wish there wasn't a rule, you wish every night was movie night."
Limits are heeded better when stated succinctly and impersonally. "No movies on school nights" arouses less
resentment that "you know you can't go to the movies on school nights." It's bedtime" is more readily accepted
than "you are too young to stay up this late, go to bed." And, " Time is up for TV today is better than," "You
have watched enough TV today, turn off the set.
Children's motor activities should not be over restrained. Stand on one foot, bounce around,
When a child exceeds a limit, the child's anxiety mounts because they expect retaliation and punishment. The
parent does not need to increase the child's anxiety at this time. If parents talk too much they convey weakness
at a time when they must convey strength.
No hitting. I can never let you do that. If you are angry, tell me with words.
Child can't get up in morning. Use statements that show empathy - "It's hard to get up in the morning, take 5
more minutes, it's such a pleasure to lie in bed and dream. "
Instead of blaming/overreaction, try to offer help. Egg falls on the floor - instead of blaming, saying "what a
mess! Look what you've done," say "You got up and made a beautiful egg for yourself, and one fell down just
like that."
You never take me anywhere.
"Where would you like to go?" Instead of, "whenever I do you make a scene."
You never buy me anything
"There's something you would like me to buy you?" Not, "how about all those clothes I bought you last week you're never appreciative!"
Be helpful, not sarcastic "and what will you buy your lunch with?" but, "Here is your lunch money. "
In most situations, making statements is preferable to asking questions.
Bedtime is between 8 and 9 - you decide when you want to go to bed. Parents determine range, kids determine
specific time.
JEALOUSY
p. 156
Jealousy originates in an infant's desire to be the parent' only "dearly beloved." Child competes for exclusive
love of parents. Neither equal punishment nor equal praise can quench the desire for exclusive love.
Superious natural endowment may cause envy, but it is the parental overprizing of a trait or a talent that leads
to relentless rivalry among children.
"No fair!" Let us not be taken in by the children's propaganda. Resist the temptation to explain or defend the
situation. Let us not be drawn into endless arguments about fairness or unfairness of our decisions.
To each child, let us convey the uniqueness of our relationship, not its fairness or sameness. When we spend a
few moments or a few hours with one of our children, let us be with that child fully. Let them feel they are our
only child. When each child is valued in his or her uniqueness, the child is strengthened.
However, when a child is forbidden to have negative feelings or "nasty" thoughts, that child will inevitable have
too much guilt and anxiety.
"You feel one way, but I feel another way. We feel differently about the subject. I respect your view, but I have
another. "
Give a child room to grow. When a child is prevented from engaging in activities and assuming responsibilities
for which he or she is ready, the inner reaction is that of resentment and anger.
Give a task with - "the lid of that jar is hard to unscrew." If the child succeeds there is the satisfaction of knowing
a difficult chore was conquered. If the child fails, there is the consolation that his parents knew the task was
hard.
Only when young people feel that they can easily approach their parents, who will listen to their point of view,
won't yell, criticize, or dismiss what they have to say, will they discuss their concern about sex.
When parents talk to their children as if they were doctors, they will neither provoke nor enrage them. (good for
adults, too)
Freddy - your teacher has informed us that you've not been doing your homework. Could you tell us what seems
to be the problem? Is there any way we can help?
Acknowledge feelings. Acknowledging is not agreeing, but a way of taking children's statements seriously.
Do not deny your child's perceptions, do not dispute his feelings, do not disown his wishes, do not denigrate his
opinions, do not derogate his character, do not argue with his or her experience. Instead, acknowledge.
When things go wrong, don't teach lessons, look for solutions