Henry Wood
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Professor Gabrielle Carrero
English 202
11 September 2021
Write Your Truth
As children, we look to our parents and teachers to let us know about life. We believe that
the adults have the answers to our many questions, and usually, we trust the first answer we get,
or the loudest. The adults tell us that there is a right way and a wrong way to live. They warn us
about the dangers we may encounter out in the world. They give us lessons and consequences
and stories with morals. They direct our attention towards the things we have to do and the things
we cannot do. They tell us to go to school, because that’s what kids do, and once in school, they
tell us what we have to know. We try to absorb the information, but there’s a lot of it.
The adults aren’t the only ones telling us how to think and behave. We have peers, other
kids just like us. We judge them, and they judge us. We make mistakes and get laughed at...it
hurts. We make jokes and get laughs...that feels good. Groups are formed. There are cool kids,
and there are nerds. There are smart kids, and there are slow ones. There are the haves and the
have nots. Slowly we start to understand that the world rewards effort and talent. We try to
identify where we can find that in ourselves. Some do better than others. We learn from our
experiences too. We break the rules without getting caught. We fail tests we thought we were
prepared for.
This constant cycle of feedback is integral in forming our identities. I am someone who
has experienced tremendous highs and lows. I have made complete 180s on multiple occasions. I
have held beliefs so firmly that I knew I would never change my mind. I ended up changing my
mind, and then again. Beliefs about myself, the world, and the people around me. Beliefs about
morality and spirituality. My beliefs have changed as my understanding has grown. One area
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where my growth is evident is writing. The story of my literacy development is actually a story
about my life as a whole. It is about things I believed and why I believed them. It is about
personal empowerment, acceptance, and confidence. Writing about my literacy development
means being vulnerable about my experience and what I have learned.
From a very young age, I can remember believing I was smart. Adults were impressed
with my poise and vocabulary. In my first elementary school classroom, it became clear to me
that I was having an easier time than many of the other students. Teachers would begin
presenting a topic and I would understand it within minutes. When other kids took the entire
class period to grasp the same concept, I would get frustrated. Quickly I learned that I did not
need to put very much effort into schoolwork. I never had to focus very hard; I never had to
study; I never went above and beyond. When it came to reading, I excelled. I absolutely loved to
read as a young child. Wherever you found me, I usually had a book in my hand. This was useful
in class when it came time to divide students by reading levels. Each student was placed into a
group based on their literacy ability. Each group had its own bin, and each bin had the books
deemed appropriate for that reading level. Students were to select books from their assigned bin
and that bin only. My reading level was among the highest in the class, so I was to select my
books from the top bin- the green bin. This seemingly innocuous organization method affected
me in various ways. There was a sense of pride associated with the top spot. There was also a
feeling that in retrospect I can recognize as arrogance: I felt better than the people in the other
bins. I liked the fact that I was placed above them, and I felt like I deserved it.
This arrogance around school would linger for years. For the entirety of elementary
school, this worked for me. I never once felt like I really had to try hard. Middle school came as
a shock. Suddenly, the work required time and effort. I was assigned books that I had no desire to
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read. Writing became something completely different. I had become accustomed to writing as
quickly and easily as I could. Up until this point, my strategy had not failed me. Now, teachers
were asking me to create outlines and rough drafts. They wanted introductions, body paragraphs,
and conclusions. Getting a good grade, it seemed, would actually require me to try. This was a
pivotal moment in my life. I could have decided to apply myself once I realized I was falling
behind. I could have asked teachers for more help. I could have spent more time listening in
class. Alas, this was not the case.
Instead, I doubled down on my laziness. It struck me as utter bullshit that I wasn’t getting
good grades anymore. That arrogance, the belief that I was smarter and better than other
students, was still there. At the time, I had absolutely no awareness of my ego. I did just enough
to skate by in school while doing everything I could to otherwise distract myself. My grades
started to slip more and more, and I continued not trying. Interestingly, I cared much more about
what was happening than my actions would leave someone to believe. I would get anxious every
time I thought about all the work I was skipping. My solution to this was just to not think about
it. I would constantly tell myself that tomorrow would be better, I would put my all into things.
That tomorrow never came. This went on for far longer than I wish it had, but I was always able
to do just well enough to avoid consequences. My intelligence was enough to get by, even
though getting by was far less than I was capable of. This was especially true in English classes.
Every time I had a writing project, my goal was essentially to work as little as possible and still
write a “good enough” essay. I skipped the outlines and the rough drafts. I wrote essays quickly,
going with the first idea that came to mind. I barely proofread. Despite my poor writing habits, I
was still able to perform well.
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High school came, and things got gradually worse. My least effort strategy was working
less and less. My grades went down. English teachers started to notice my lack of concern for
their rules. Writing projects were now research projects as well. Writing, which had always been
a strength of mine, soon became a weakness. The consequences of never trying were finally here.
Grades falling fast, parents getting concerned, anxiety building- I was starting to feel like nothing
could go right. At this point in the story (my sophomore year), I left school to receive mental
health treatment. While I will not share the details, I will say that many of the problems I was
having resulted from my lack of caring. Years of being made to believe that I would not have to
try, to then be faced with the fact that I really, really did- it messed me up. I was an egomaniac
with an inferiority complex, and I did not know how to ask for help.
In the years that followed, I worked diligently to improve myself. There were many
things I needed to address, and myriad ways in which I needed to humble myself. I learned that
I’m not as smart as I think I am. I realized that in order to succeed and be happy I need to apply
myself. I began to understand that if I want to enjoy something like writing, I have to be proud of
what I create. My writing today is a reflection of the work I have done on myself, which is why
this narrative has not been purely about literacy. I realize today that I have a unique story to tell,
a unique perspective to tell it from, and a unique way to tell it. I am the only person who gets to
decide what I value.