DON’T HUG ME I’M SCARED 101: Pilot Written by Becky Sloan and Joe Pelling 13.2.17 Blink Industries Super Deluxe Conaco A DOOR. Psychedelic colors flash around it, if you slow it down, you can see it’s previous episodes of Don’t Hug Me I’m Scared. And finally, the door opens and: EXT. OUTSIDE HOUSE - MORNING YELLOW GUY APPEARS. YELLOW GUY (singing) Wakey Wakey! To the new day, and today is my birthday! The yellow balloons up in the sky, which means it’s time to go outside, it’s my birthday… (to the camera) Hello! Yay! Now, DUCK peeks over the door. DUCK (singing) Now I’m here! And I’m another one! And I live with him in this funny house, and everyday when the sun comes out, we go outside and walk about in our town! A view shows the town gates. A sign above the gates reads: “A TOWN CALLED CLAYHILL” DUCK (CONT’D) I lived here my whole life. Why, it feels like -RED GUY interrupts Duck and ducks under the doorway, being too tall. RED GUY (singing) It’s me now. And I’m another one. And I also live with them in the funny house too. And every morning we sing this song. Every morning. DUCK Yes we do! YELLOW GUY And it’s my birthday! Yay! DUCK Not really a part of the song… CUT TO: EXT. CLAYHILL NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING The trio are now singing with the entire town. TOWN We just can’t wait to see what’s going to happen to us three. Everyday’s an opportunity for a newer… YELLOW GUY Birthday cake… DUCK Will you stop it?! EXT. OUTSIDE BIG IAN’S HOUSE - MORNING The trio are outside their neighbors house. RED, YELLOW, DUCK (singing) Wakey Wakey, Big Ian! Who lives next door to our funny house! RED GUY And everyday when we wake you up, you come outside and say “Hello, I’m Big Ian.” BIG IAN, a round faced neighbor exits his house. BIG IAN Hello. I’m Big Ian. A beat. DUCK Look! There he is! EXT. OUTSIDE MRS. GRENALD’S HOUSE - MORNING The trio is now outside Big Ian’s neighbor’s house. RED, YELLOW, DUCK (singing) Wakey Wakey, Mrs. Grenald! DUCK You live next door to Big Ian! MRS. GRENALD exits. She has a baker’s outfit, glasses, and blue hair. MRS. GRENALD And everyday I come outside, and give you lots of cakes and pies, good morning! YELLOW GUY Ooh, birthday cake! Yellow Guy rushes toward Mrs. Grenald, but Red Guy pushes him away. RED GUY No, don’t eat it. CLOSE ON: The cake, guts and blood filled in it. EXT. CLAYHILL NEIGHBORHOOD - MORNING The whole town is singing TOWN (singing) Oh, we just can’t wait to see what’s going to happen to you three. We’re like a weird family! But you’re the main ones! Red Guy opens his arms behind Yellow and Duck. DUCK Yes, we are! YELLOW GUY And it’s my birthday! DUCK Now, onto the mayor’s house. EXT. OUTSIDE MAYOR PIGFACE’S HOUSE - MORNING The entire town, all outside the mayor’s house. TOWN Wakey Wakey, Mayor Pigface! We love you, you’re our mayor! And everyday you come outside and tell us everything’s all right in our town! No answer. Doors are closed. Weird. DUCK Looks like someone’s being a bit of a sleepy head. YELLOW GUY Mayor Pigface?! RED GUY What’s going on? Where’s the Mayor? DUCK Wakey Wakey! YELLOW GUY Wakey! Duck Guy slowly approaches the doors of the mayor’s house, the song slowly going away. He pushes the door’s open. INT. MAYOR PIGFACE’S HOUSE - MORNING Duck’s eyes widen as his shadow shows a very shabby, trashed office of Mayor Pigface. His photo is up on the wall, wearing a gold medal. Duck notices the medal on the desk. If the audience looks closely, we see a scarf. A very... known scarf. Duck starts to walk in. As he walks, he stops and looks down. A GRAY KEY LAYING ON THE FLOOR. Super: DON’T HUG ME I’M SCARED FADE TO BLACK: FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Yellow Guy holds a balloon, Duck watches the news, and Red Guy reads the newspaper with a headline: “MAYOR GONE?” POLICE MAN (on telly) Oh, it’s very, very bad. The Mayor is gone. He is not in his house. And he normally is in his house. YELLOW GUY Does this mean that I can’t have my birthday party? RED GUY I don’t know. Everyone seems to be very upset about the Mayor’s disappearance. Even our funny house has gone sad. YELLOW GUY Aw… But I’m already wearing my special birthday buckles on my shoes! See? CLOSE ON: Yellow Guy’s shoes with birthday buckles on them. DUCK Sad house? Birthday buckles? Who cares about all that rubbish? The town has no Mayor. What are we going to do? YELLOW GUY Who’s gonna sing his bit of the song? RED GUY Who’s gonna find him? DUCK Who’s gonna look after the town while he’s gone? YELLOW GUY No, but who’s gonna sing his bit of the song? RED GUY No, who’s gonna find him? DUCK No, who’s gonna look after the town while he’s gone? YELLOW GUY No, but who’s gonna sing his bit of the song? RED GUY No, who’s gonna find him? DUCK But who’s gonna get his special bowling ball? In a thought bubble, Duck has fantasies of rubbing a purple bowling ball with eyes, in complete darkness. KEY (O.S.) The town needs to be secure! That’s for sure. Duck opens his pocket and a key flies out and turns into a bigger size. THE KEY. He’s gray, tall and mean. Whenever he is acting evil, he grows a “Hitler-Stache” KEY Because security… That’s the key. DUCK Oh, look! It’s that little metal stick from earlier. He’s turned into a real boy. KEY No, I’m a key. The Key to the City… RED GUY Oh, right. So, do you know what happened to the Mayor? The Key appears behind Red Guy. KEY But let me ask you a question? Do you love your town? A beat. RED GUY What? Is he talking to me? DUCK I love my town! I’ve lived here my whole life. KEY Oh, but you don’t wanna protect it? DUCK How dare you?! YELLOW GUY Protect it from what? KEY Well, listen… Listen… YELLOW GUY Sounds like… KEY LISTEN!! CUT TO: EXT. CLAYHILL - DAY - ANIMATION STYLE During an animation sequence, The Key sings about security. KEY (singing) They’re creeping around the corner… Fiddling with the door. Hiding in your garden.. Sleeping on the roof! Renting you a function room. Stepping on your toe! And now you need the toilet… THEY’RE MESSING WITH OUR TOWN! What if I brought you a precious gem, you wouldn’t just leave it lying around? Well, you’d put it in a box, and cover it with locks and bury it deep under the ground. RED GUY But we’re looking for the Mayor. YELLOW GUY I would like a gem! DUCK Quiet! RED GUY He wasn’t in his house, and he’s nowhere to be found. KEY But you said you loved your town! Look at all the danger, any old stranger could walk right in and pinch you on the legs, Look inside your lunchbox, take out all your front teeth. Look at KEY (CONT’D) this! What a silly mess! It's not secure at all, Some uninvited guest could sneak right in, and fiddle with the bin lids. Ruin all our stuff! BIG IAN But that belongs to us! KEY Well, you’d better lock it up! MRS. GRENALD ‘Cause we don’t have enough! POLICE OFFICER Who’s taking all our stuff? KEY I think you need the toilet. EXT. CLAYHILL GATES - DAY Back to live-action, Red Guy still sings. RED GUY Wait, look, guys. Footsteps leading up to the gate. (clears throat) Well, I know this is a song and everything, but aren’t these the Mayor’s? You know, maybe start a search party… KEY But I thought you loved your town... Don't you want to stop it... From rotting down? RED GUY Pretty sure these are the Mayor’s footprints. On the black footprints read: “MAYOR” KEY And if we work together… DUCK Then we can make it better! RED GUY I’m gonna go. KEY And we’ll get this town secure! RED GUY (leaving) Alright, see ya. LADDER Wow! You and your key friend really know what you're talking about when it comes to making Clayhill safe! MRS. GRENALD Yeah! Maybe you could be our new mayor! DUCK What? Me? The Mayor? Yes. Me. The Mayor! (singing) I am your new mayor!! A green striped black top-hat falls from the sky and lands on Duck’s head. A clocktower looks down, happily. INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - DAY Duck, checking off his board, sighs in happiness. DUCK There! Now everyone in town is all locked up, being safe! All of our problems are over! I really am brilliant at being the mayor. And now I can play with the mayor’s prized bowling ball… Eh… Duck fantasizes again, before having an ERECTION. He pushes his erection in. DUCK Oh, Morgan, go home! YELLOW GUY But the old mayor is still missing. But now that the town is safe, we can finally start my birthday! Yay! The key walks over. KEY Oh, yay… Birthdays are my favorite! YELLOW GUY Yeah! KEY Lucky you… But wait… What’s this? The Key grabs a scope and secure-checks the present Yellow Guy is holding. SCOPE Secure Alert! Secure Alert! The Key slaps the present out of Yellow Guy’s hands, it lands in a bucket of acid. KEY Oh phew. Look, it’s melting in the acid. YELLOW GUY My present! I hate our new metal brother! Yellow Guy runs off crying. KEY I’m supposed to be a key! See? I told you Mr. Mayor. Danger’s hiding everywhere. DUCK Really? I think that was a Puppy. A DEAD PUPPY BURNS IN THE BUCKET OF ACID. KEY Exactly! That’s what they want you to think, but we know the truth, don’t we? DUCK I… Do we? KEY Stranger’s hiding everywhere. (goes to the window) See? Who’s that? DUCK Who? Oh! That’s Paula The Postbox. She’s been here her whole life. KEY But is it? Key gives Duck a scope. He looks through it. DUCK Yes. The Key grabs the scope and draws on it. KEY But is it? Now, When Duck looks in it, black marker written around Paula the Postbox has devil horns and a speech bubble reading: “ME BAD!” DUCK Oh my goodness! Not little Pauline the Postbox! KEY You see? Nothing is what it seems? FADE TO: EXT. FOREST - AFTERNOON Red Guy is walking along a forest. RED GUY Mayor? Oh, Mayor Pigface? On a branch, a black driving glove lays there. RED GUY This must be the Mayor’s. MUD-MAN (O.S.) Ow! You stepped on my face! Red Steps back and sees a pile of mud, filled with rocks and twigs. Oh, and it has aface. RED GUY Oh, sorry. Have you seen-MUD-MAN Do you know what I am? RED GUY A pile of-- MUD-MAN No! I’m a tree! (sings) I’m a tree, I’m a free tree! I’m a tree! Oh, a wonderful, wonderful treRED GUY Please, Mud-Man, stop! MUD-MAN (with angry eyebrows, singing more furiously) I’M A TREE! I’M FREE! I’M A TREE-RED GUY Where did the Mayor go?! MUD-MAN Behind me! RED GUY Thanks. CUT TO: EXT. ALLEY - AFTERNOON Yellow Guy looks at a poster of Duck, reading: “THE TOWN IS SECURE!” YELLOW GUY Blah! Bad Mayor. And metal mean stick, he should be called. Melted my present. My acid. FIZZY MILK (O.S.) You know, they can’t control us forever… A FIZZY MILK BOTTLE GOES “HA!” YELLOW GUY Whoa! Who are you? FIZZY MILK Who me? I guess I’m nobody, like you. Which is the kind of crazy outcast. But this new mayor? With all these rules. You know what I say to him? YELLOW GUY What? FIZZY MILK I say, “Hey, Mr. Mayor. Why don’t you take all your silly rules and put them out of Clayhill.” Yeah, sick! He squirts out some Fizzy Milk. YELLOW GUY What just happened? FIZZY MILK If you’re sick of the mayor, and his crazy rules, puff some Fizzy Milk! Fizzy Milk drinks himself a bit. YELLOW GUY Wow! You are the coolest guy ever! Please teach me how to be cool, like you? FIZZY MILK I don’t think you got what it takes to be as cool as me. YELLOW GUY No! Please! I’m cool! I can do it! I wanna smash the system! FIZZY MILK If you wanna be a cool skater punk like me, you gotta have a sip of this! Fizzy Milk! YELLOW GUY “Fizzy Milk?” “Boiled Beef Flavor?” Yellow Guy drinks it and it transforms him into a MO-HAWKED PUNK! FIZZY MILK Congratulations, my friend! You’re almost as cool as me! Yellow Guy takes a spray-paint can and spray-paints all over the Poster of the mayor. FIZZY MILK (CONT’D) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey! That’s vandalism, someone probably worked very hard on that! That’s not punk! If you wanna smash the system, like me, HAVE ANOTHER SIP!! CUT TO: EXT. FOREST - AFTERNOON Through binoculars, Red Guy sees a bunch of stumps with faces. RED GUY Oh, no. There really are strangers lurking around. Maybe that rude metal stick was right. Hang on a minute… Mayor Pigface? MAYOR PIGFACE, IN FULL NATURE COSTUME, SINGING. MAYOR PIGFACE (singing) Mud is brown. A rock is round. I used to be the mayor of the town. But now I live here, with my new friends. And sleep underneath the Logs and leaves. RED GUY Mayor Pig-MAYOR PIGFACE The outside world is kind and simple. There are no troubles to worry me. Mayor Pigface knocks a bird’s head off, blood sprays out. MAYOR PIGFACE When I'm sleeping, my new friends pinch me on my legs and remove my teeth. They bite my lips off, and bite my eyelids, and bite my fingers and my legs. (noticing Red Guy) Oh, it’s you! Hello, traveller. Would you like some of our soup? Mayor Pigface shakes a bowl of mud. RED GUY ...No. Mayor Pigface, you do realize none of this stuff is even real! CUT TO: EXT. REAL FOREST - NIGHT Red Guy appears in a real forest, nothing made out of felt or clay. RED GUY Hello? A PAPER MACHE HEAD STARES AT HIM. CUT TO: EXT. FOREST - NIGHT Red Guy snaps out of it. MAYOR PIGFACE The outside world is wonderful! There’s my food. My friends. And my home! RED GUY Mayor, my friend found the key to the city in your office. It’s trying to make the town “secure.” Whatever that means. MAYOR PIGFACE What? Key to the-- Impossible! This is The Key to The City! Mayor Pigface holds up a golden key. RED GUY We gotta get out of here! C’mon, Mayor. MAYOR PIGFACE Goodbye, twig people! Mayor runs off. One of the twig people start crying blood. CUT TO: MONTAGE OF DUCK SETTING UP SECURITY SYSTEM: - He connects them to each house. - The people notice the security systems. END MONTAGE: Key shows Duck some photos of social media accounts called “NOTSTEVE4000” saying: “THE MAYOR’S BREATH SMELLS!” and “THE MAYOR SHOULD NOT TOUCH THE BOWLING BALL!” The Duck growls. He looks at all the machinery in the mayor’s office. Then looks at the Clayhill people, and DRILLS SLASH INTO THEIR HEADS. Blood SPLASHES OUT. CUT TO: EXT. CLAYHILL GATES - NIGHT The Mayor and Red Guy arrive at the gates… too late. An angry bolt has been put on the gates, locking it. MAYOR PIGFACE I’m sorry, friend. We’re too late. MAYOR PIGFACE (CONT’D) Well, the forest is waiting! RED GUY No! CUT TO: INT. MAYOR’S OFFICE - NIGHT Yellow Guy, still in punk uniform, arrives in the office and sees Key, with a full on Hitler-Stache, taller than Duck. FIZZY MILK WALKS OVER. FIZZY MILK Dude, so not punk! Do not interrupt the brainwash-- I mean, the work of our mayor! YELLOW GUY No! Yellow Guy shoves the milk and it spills over some machines. It electrocutes him and he spills. The Clayhill residents get free, and the whole thing EXPLODES. A WHITE SCREEN. FADE IN: INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY Duck Guy wakes up from a nightmare, he sees that the Clayhill people are all looking over at the camera. DUCK GUY Mayor Pigface! You’re back! I’m sorry about what happened. Pigface holds up the golden key. KEY TO THE CITY Yes, well, that was Mean Steve, the key to hell, yes. He was very bad. MEAN STEVE, burnt and dying, coughs up blood and dies. MAYOR PIGFACE Fizzy Milk! Only 12.99 a carton! DUCK GUY What? A FIZZY MILK BOTTLE ROLLS OFF THE TABLE AND SMASHES ON THE GROUND. The End.
