Couples Counseling Assignment One
Taibbi Reading Questions chapters 1-6 and Video Outline
By: Sarajean Zocklein
Chapter One: Theoretical Foundations
Family Systems Theory – notion that problems arise from the interaction between
partners held in place by behavioral patterns set between them.
 Patters are more than personalities
 Interrupting dysfunctional patterns- help couple with more functional
communication
Differentiation – less reactivity and blame (Murray Bowen)
 Increased individual responsibility and proactivity
 Worry less about what their partner is or is not doing and more about their
own openness and honesty.
Behavioral - and action-oriented
 Couples are encouraged to do something different.
o Communication and physical behavior pattern changes
 Something we have control over (unlike emotions)
 John Gottman’s approach
 Education and development of new skills
o Experiential
 Changing emotional climate
Developmental – moving through layers
 Dig deep to unearth childhood wounds
 Stop rewounding one another and help each other heal
 Move relationship to a new healthier path
How do you get started with a couple? (Process, Advocate for the relationship)
Process
 Visions based on outcome goals leave people unsatisfied.
 Outcomes are not guaranteed.
 Couple needs to be calm and bring the prefrontal cortex back online being
present rather than angry or defensive.
 Set goals for process- listen, support, discuss, decide
 Most couples argue over content – rather focus on process
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Help couples shift to see dysfunctional patterns
Stuck points
 Where do the individuals get stuck?
o Explosive anger, feeling intimidated, withdrawing, getting anxious,
walking on eggshells, automatically accommodating others, are tied to
childhood wounds.
 Help them build skills to determine where they get stuck and how to
successfully navigate future problems.
Solutions
 Solutions are often outside the comfort zone, doing what feels different
 Tolerate discomfort and anxiety of behaving in new ways
 Look for what is not talked about, expressed, shared, or felt
 Be more curious than afraid
 Be a role model
 Problems are Bad Solutions
o How is this a bad solution to an underlying problem?
o People are usually doing the best they can
o Help couples be more compassionate and less defensive
Change
 Giving up plans and observe the change discovering life unfold
 Notice the change within and help the couple articulate it.
 Underlying issue of individuation
o Ideally both couples can be themselves
Advocate for the Relationship
 Become an advocate for both individuals and for the relationship
 Create a balanced view of the relationship
 Help them becoming stronger together and see the potential for growth.
Chapter Two: Clinical Goals
The Basic Four
 Come back focus and stay centered
Stop dysfunctional patterns
 Policing couples from interrupting traffic cop
 Observe the couple in their own dialogue
 Be transparent if there is an uncomfortable dynamic
 Stay lockstep with the couple
Track progress
 Monitor verbal agreement and objections
 Monitor nonverbal Cues
 Address problems immediately
 Pay attention to interruptions equally
o Notice where both partners may be drifting apart in conversations
Change the Emotional Climate
 Help the couple experience a different kind of communication without following the
same old patterns of dysfunction
 Help them feel an emotional shift and demonstrate that it is possible to change the
emotional temperature of an argument.
o Make language more detailed succinct and complete
o Ask for specific information rather than vague responses
o Incomplete or vague sentences are often protections against strong
emotions that lie beneath.
o This is also unproductive over talking
 Move towards the holes in a story (what is not being said)
 Focus on soft opposite emotions
 “You sound angry, but what are you most worried about?”
o What is difficult for the client to talk about?
o Use a soft tone to speak
Nonverbal Communication
 Notice if people are looking sad – ask what is going on inside
 Model good communication and encourage clients to reach out to their own
parents and family to heal open wounds.
 Allow this to shift the temperament
o Softer emotions are often overshadowed by stronger emotions of anger,
frustration, or resentment.
 Identify similar emotions to show they are both in the same boat
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Ask hard questions- Ask explicit questions do not avoid difficult conversations
Stop dysfunctional patterns calmly
Describe what is seen. Like teaching someone how to drive.
When the couple falls back into old behavior, steer them back to their adult selves.
Track progress and stay present with the couple
 Identify similar emotions.
 Put words to emotions that are unspoken.
 Separate should from wants.
 Provide educational and skills to help the couple see the process and patterns.
The Relationship Triangle
 Rescuer – has a need to save and create order from chaos (grew up in chaotic
family, tries to fix people/ situations, poorly holds boundaries, martyr, easily prone
to burnout, learned to avoid conflict)
 Victim – is needing help often (youngest child, micromanaged by parents, lacks
self-confidence, gets overwhelmed easily)
 Perpetrator – unleashes anger to the partner (evil twin of the rescuer, controles
with anger, criticism, and blame)
o Couples typically begin their relationship with this dynamic of rescuer/victim
or victim/perpetrator.
o This relationship dynamic can turn toxic quickly when one person deviates
from their role or takes their role to the extreme.
o Identifying these roles and stopping the behavior patterns are essential.
The Adult
 The Adult is outside this drama and these roles of the triangle.
o Ability to remain emotionally calm
o Can observe the self and other and change their own behavior without
expectations from their partner.
o Takes personal responsibility
o Nonreactive
 Couples will usually be highly reactive until they stop with expecting mindreading
and communicate expectations and needs effectively.
 “If you feel it, it’s yours- and you take responsibility for it.”
 Look for dynamics of abusive relationships if they couple cannot step into adult
roles.
 Victim- Develop self-confidence, take risks, do things alone, learn new skills
 Perpetrator Rescuer- Tap into anger and use it to better define boundaries and wants.
Experiment with letting go of control.
o Learn to let guard down and trust.
o Be vulnerable and nurturing in a genuine caring way rather than a need to
control
Chapter Three: Relationship Obstacle 1
How do emotions affect communications?
Overcome these obstacles
 Poor Communication
 Emotional Wounds
 Differing visions
Communication is like driving a car.
 Knowing where you are going before getting in the car.
 Steering and staying on the road, not veering into a side ditch and stall spinning
wheels.
 What is learned with the car physically needs to be learned verbally with the
couple.
 Look down the road at the destination and not at the hood of the car.
Label Emotions
 For some emotions are ever-present and are flooded by them regularly
 For others, emotions are felt but not identified
 others can tell you want they think but have no sensation associated
 And some people are prone to anger and anxiety- lacking a wide range of
emotional experience.
Nonverbal Cues
 Ask partners to identify more subtle feelings
 Ask them to describe what they are feeling. (offer vocabulary- worry, fear,
frustration)
 Check in with feelings every hour and firmly label them as practice
 Learn to identify the need associated with the emotion.
 Take emotional responsibility rather than spraying irritability all around the room.
 Tap into emotional information and do what is needed to meet the needs.
 Take deep breathes
Couples Skills of communications
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
Awareness of process (understand miscommunication will happen)
Active listening (make I statements)
No name calling, defensiveness, or dredging up the past. (fight clean)
Willingness to return and repair
Ability to problem solve (point out power struggles)
Provide positive feedback (4:1 positive to negative feedback)
Chapter Four: Relationship Obstacles 2 and 3
Emotional Wounds
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Rooted in each couples childhoods and blocks the couple’s ability to move forward.
Emotional wounds can and will reopen until healed
Becoming sensitive to certain things depending on how our parents responded to
them. (Not being appreciated, abandoned.)
Bouncing emotions off of siblings.
1 of 3 ways to manage emotional triggers
o “be good” walking on eggshells, follow rules, try to make people happy, avoid
conflict (rescuer)
o Get angry (perpetrator)
o Withdraw (victim)
When childhood wounds are triggered our old coping styles kick in automatically which
than triggers the partner’s childhood wound.
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Brains have been wired to expect the emotional wounding to occur each time
pushing even harder for safety when we do not realize we are rewounding as part
of a larger pattern that started from childhood.
How do emotional wounds appear in therapy?
 Look for particularly strong reactions and language (always/never language,
physically reclusive/ collapses or blows up)
 Look for transference cues (understanding learned sensitivities)
 Point out what you notice
o “I see you are having a hard time calming yourself down”
o “I notice you physically curl up when your partner gets angry”
o “You have a frightened look on your face. Sometimes strong reactions are
tied to similar childhood experiences.”
o “You once said your mom _______, is it possible you are reacting this way
because it reminds you of that?”
 Many people block childhood memories
 Try to have the client make specific reflective childhood statements.
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“When you ____, it reminds me of ____ and I feel ________. What I needed
back then and didn’t receive was _______”.
Look for reoccurring patterns
The same pattern like anger/withdraw can play out about another issue 3 weeks
later resulting in stuck points and communication breakdowns indicate the
couples interlocking wounds.
Treating Emotional Wounds
 The partner is the trigger but not the source of the individuals difficulties.
 Override emotional stuck points
 Use psychoanalytic approach for long term
 Use Cognitive Behavior therapy for shorter term
 Old software is in a new computer – Childhood solutions no longer fit into adult
reality/ relationships
 Projecting hurts from past into present
1. Education about emotional wounds using a hand out
 Help couple see problems as patterns
2. Have each partner say to the other what they could not say to their parents.
 Feelings- You need to be less critical. You need to appreciate me
more.
 What to say- “It’s not about you but about me, but I am sensitive to
criticism so I need you to be careful how you sound (in these ways)
when you are upset.”
3. Do the opposite of instinct response and intentionally do the opposite
communicating in an effective clear way
 Calming oneself down
 Staying confident
 Do not focus or fixate on fixing emotions
o Sensitive to criticism = withdraws
o Sensitive to unreliability = anger
o It is about the past. Not the other person
 This takes LOTS of practice
4. The empty chair technique
 Gestalt therapy- imagine the parent sitting in an empty chair across
them
o Talk to the parent in present tence about how you felt as a child
o Switch roles and take the perspective of the parent.
o Ask the “parent” questions about what they love about the client
or why they did what they did
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5.
6.
7.
8.
Both sides have been incorporated and they typically feel less
sensitive to the triggers.
Letter Writing from child to parent and read it aloud
Discuss with parents about the past.
Guided imagery –visualization of a situation
Sculpting –shape the other person in a position that seems to represent how
you saw your parent most of the time
 Include facial expressions
 Clarify and resolve past issues judicially using these techniques
Chapter Five: Beginnings - First session tasks
Build Rapport
 Listen and make small talk to begin
 Make eye contact
 Share your expertise
 Be sensitive to cultural diversity
 Self discloser- share information about yourself
 Mirror partners expressive styles and stances
 Dress the part
 Demonstrate leadership
 Give description of approach
Assessment
 Determine what is and who has the problem using these 5 tequniques
1. Observe and understand the communication skills
2. Learn about emotional wounds
3. Tune into their vision for the future
4. Assess who has the power and is the decision maker
5. Learn about individual personalities and coping styles
Treatment
 Educate them both on what is happening
 Provide a new problem to replace the old one
 Point out process rather than content
 Point out similarities
 Talk about next steps
Counter Objections
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Always agree/ remain calm
Consider reducing anxiety with consensus
Uncover the objection under the objection
If you encounter solid resistance, stop, and make it easy for the client to circle back
Homework
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Summarize and give homework and one sentence summaries
Give specific assignments
o Write down 3 things the partner would most like the other to do differently
o Track specific emotions
o Give each other hugs and compliments
o Date night
o Business meeting
Chapter Six: Beginnings in Action
Playing Court – couples places you in the hot seat to determine who is write and who is
wrong. They want to know who is the bigger victim or martyr.
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Witnesses and evidence will be brought up
Call them out on putting you in the position of being a judge
Remind them of your role to help them better communicate
The Drop Off – Having a safe place to make an announcement and leaving the therapist
to clean up the mess.
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One person is already one foot out the door.
Fix My Partner- Seeing the therapist as a repair shop to fix their partner. This can make
it difficult to assess the actual problem
Reluctant Partner- One person does not want to show up and is being dragged.
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Address the concern and find the problem under the problem.
Simple reluctance or resistance
No Problem Couple- Everything is okay, nothing is wrong mentality, both partners are
reluctant. Help them be proactive.
Problem with Children- They hide behind their children
Motivated Couple- Ready for growth and balance, learn to recognize the different
approaches.
Video Assignments
Week 1: The Basic Rules of Relationships
Six Rules of a relationship
1. Personal Responsibility rule
“What are you doing that contributes to what’s going on?”
“What are you doing that contributes to the solution?”
2. “I’ll change first” rule
Do whatever is needed for the good of the relationship regardless of what the
partner is doing
3. Baby steps rule
Small changes consistently over time which will gradually become major changes
4. Fear of change rule
People keep doing what they are doing because they are afraid of doing
something else. People would rather complain with what they have then make
changes for what they need.
5. Present rule = Stay in the present
6. Assign neutral events as positive rather than negative.
Week 2: Couples Communications,
Communication strategies
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Use “I” statements to take ownership (“you” statements are usually an attack)
The other person will do another “you” statement or they will void and go silent.
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The third kind of statement is a “we” statement. This is a vailed “you” statement.
(once again an attack.) I statements are the safest.
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Empathetic listening – engaged, compassionate, heart and mind are engaged
and want to move to a solution. This is the lifeblood of any relationship. Tell me
what you think and feel and it doesn’t have to be perfect, I will not jump down your
throat for it.
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Deliberative listening is not recommended. Me listening to my partner like a
prosecution attorney. Listening to argue and defend and be able to engage in
conflict. Great for being in a courtroom but poison for a relationship.
o Listening for an opportunity for the holes in the other persons statements
and disagree and then interrupt.
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Like a tennis game. Clarification slows the argument down and clarifies what is
being said and make sure you get the right message.
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Feedback to make sure I know what my partner is saying. Taking time in
communication process.
Six Things That Kill A Relationship
1. People who are too lazy to put the work into the relationship. If your partner is not
putting in the work now they likely never will.
2. Disordered behavior – Behavior that does not work in relationship building.
 Angry and depressed often
 Needs to control everything around them
 Everyone around them has difficulties yet they are just fine. (causing
difficulties with others)
3. Dishonesty – Be candid, kind, and truthful. Some people lie continually
4. Judgmental – Have and express negative opinions widely. Spread negativism
everywhere they go. Feel like their unformed o[pinions are truth. Toxic
5. Simplistic answers to complex problems – Life is complex and it is difficult to tackle
important questions when you are thinking in simplistic terms. Need to preform
complex thinking.
6. Closed thinking – Take in new information and learn new things over time. Assume
one does not have all the answers and learn from others. Continual lifelong
learners.
7. Triangulation – Family systems terms when there is a problem in a relationship.
Deal with the problem. Triangulating - talking to another person about it and
spreading the problem. Not getting closer to solving the problem but getting further
away.
Week 3: Should We Call A Therapist
How do we know it is time to call a therapist?
Tale tell signs to call in outside help.
1. Partner is coming and saying “I’d like for us to come talk to someone”
a. Take this seriously!
b. Some partners ignore this. (This happens frequently)
c. One partner says “I have been trying to get my spouse into counseling for
years and they are ignoring it entirely and don’t want to have anything to do
with it.”
d. The partner should take it very seriously.
2. Is the time clock running?
a. Internal time clock putting up with bad behavior
b. Once bad behavior starts the time clock is running
c. Hit the Popeye moment
d. Putting up with situations that are dissatisfying to them for only so long
e. “I’ve had all I can stand” –Therapy success greatly diminishes
f. Pay attention to desire for change when there is motivation and resources
3. If we find ourselves stuck in same patterns over and over again
a. “I feel like we have had this argument over and over
i. Stuck in negative loop/ Habitual
b. Will take a third party to interrupt the dysfunctional loop
c. Likelihood of pulling self out is low.
4. Gone parallel
a. Be marginally connected
b. Mass of meaningful interconnection in a healthy couple
c. Problems build and they fly parallel
i. Will take help to stop drifting apart
5. Marriage itself is being impacted by dramatic stuff outside marriage
a. Addiction
b. Personality disorder
c. Trauma (negative events from past)
d. External forces impact relationship
6. Sometimes the individual have been through a tough period where one ongoing
crisis has been very difficult to deal with.
a. Need recovery time, healing, understanding, space
What do you look for in a therapist?
All about relationship – be able to safely share most difficult, personal, and darkest parts
of themselves.
Building Commitment in a Relationship
Most powerful model to use and implement
Immediate changes in relationships
 Kinds of commitment- social (wedding), legal (document), emotional (you are my
soulmate)
 Relationship commitment can build over time
 Positive actions and reactions
Analysis scales
 Frequency - how often something occurs low or high
 Value – low or high value of behaviors
Measure relationship in four different quadrants
High Value High Value
I like and I wish it occurred more often
I like and it occurs often
Low Frequency
Low Frequency
High Frequency
High Frequency
Don’t like and it does not occur often
Low Value
Build commitment
 Do more of what is high value
 Do less of what is low value
 Do high value things more often
Don’t like and it occurs too often
Low Value