Conquering What’s Within By Joann Mae Marie C. Orbon A typical afternoon in year 2004 was the starting point of a mother’s dream for her very own firstborn. She has always given regard to healthcare providers particularly those who interact most with patients and whose hands turn unsterile every time due to their own clients’ ailments. Maria gives her hats off to all nurses she bumps into whenever possible. She optimistically spoke, “The fulfillment of her aspirations will be mine as well. The pencil she picked up first on her crib is surely a sign. I hope she’ll be like you.” The nurse curved her lips into a smile. Maria was just a teen when she felt a special force calling her to motherhood, but she knew better. She finished college by balancing work and academics with a scholarship. She then went on taking up her own crosses by putting aside love and focusing more on livelihood to pay for her siblings’ education. Maria has this futuristic view that her decisions in life will be copied by her future child. “My daughter must inherit the greatness in me,” she thought to herself. Right when she met the man that she was forced to marry at age 28 and when she gave birth to Mae did she realize how great of a mother she is as repeatedly uttered by her own little one. She felt like she has reached the milestone of her life. “Mom, I’m going to school now! Thank you for being the best momma in the whole world. Take care at work. Someday I will be your future nurse!” Maria pecked a kiss on daughter’s forehead and waved goodbye. Mae conforms to her mother’s orders. She may be five but she’s surprisingly solving huge puzzle pieces. Her mom says, “You should have your siesta, so you’ll grow taller. Puzzle—.” “later, anak,” Mae finished her mother’s usual line. Maria feels frustrated when her daughter spends so much time solving the puzzle pieces like her life depends on it. It was not something she expected of her first child, yet she is beyond grateful for helping herself to understand complicated things like such at age five. “Later in life you will eventually solve these pieces and when you do, you’ll see the same thing that you’re forming.” “Like a stethoscope too, Mom?” “Exactly.” Mae smiled as if realizing something. “But I want to be like uncle, Lolo and auntie now! Can I be a healthcare provider now, Mom? Like now?” Maria laughs to her daughter and fixed her bangs. “Someday but not too soon. You need to gain strength and wisdom from the trials to prepare yourself beforehand. Trials like adjusting to the people around you. You need to sleep now so you could treat sick Barbie as soon as possib—". Maria let out a soft chuckle at the sight of her daughter’s abrupt lying down. She stared for so long to her sleeping young one and she kissed her daughter’s forehead once more. “MARIA! GO TO WORK NOW! I’ll look out for that girl. GO!” Her husband banged the door open and stood in front of her. “Don’t lay your hands on her or else.” She stared coldly to ‘the biggest regret of her life’ and past him she trotted. New day at school equates to new challenges but I refuse to see it this way. Another day spent means there are fewer days till I graduate high school and be part of history. Wow, I could really be optimistic, huh? For the past ten months I emplace myself into thinking these notions and I invest more on optimism to finish all that needs to be done. There would be times when I am in awe of myself after ascertaining the way I managed my mindset well on certain things that could affect my sensitive feelings. I had really mastered the art of overcoming emotions. I’m so proud of myself. If it weren’t for that bad experience, I would have always been the terrified Mae. I sat down with my two peers in the lobby of our school’s building. They are understanding enough to let me be on my own world while listening to my favorite song Touch the Sky. They were laughing out loud for some reason I couldn’t fathom. Perhaps I could ask them when I wrap-up my playlist? It is four in the afternoon and today is the bittersweet day I always imagined since seventh grade. Today is literally the last day that I’ll be spending with the people who made my final year in high school manageable and fun. I had spent hours talking and expressing my gratefulness not only to my friends but also to my teachers. I guess a little moment of relaxation through music wouldn’t hurt. I directed my gaze to the corridor and thought about the 20 months of journey in this pink building I once called home. Find me here at your feet again, everything I am, reaching out, I surrender~ “I sing with a choir in our church. I am able to serve God and bond with my mother more in that way.” I nodded and genuinely smiled to my friend. We are talking about our religion for about an hour now. We agreed on knowing each other more through asking personal questions. Could this day get any better? I am all smiles since the first period because of the bond I had with my big circle of friends. I came from a Catholic school and I only had three kind girls with me for the entire four years I had in Junior High. After the moving up, I was anxious if I’d ever find the same set of friends I can depend on when life goes downhill a.k.a. when problems arise at home. We are ten in our group and it could be unrealizable at first but everyone has partaken their own stories about God for the past three months which is truly unreal to think about. This moment is one for the books, I tell you. I am that kind of person who thinks of the worst scenario most of the time and since I left my beautiful home, Sacred Heart School and the nuns I loved dearly, I had imagined of witnessing all the inappropriate occurence that I never experienced in Sacre. I thought about learning to discipline myself more that I am always on the road by myself. To have this support system was a miracle in this age and time. Four months had passed and I realized that having a strong connection with the right people is truly beneficial for survival in school. Not that friends matter more than grades, of course. The encouraging words I absorb from them and the puissance I get from the sense of belonging they let me experience aid me to get by. It is an understatement to say that they bestow me the potency that make me the Mae with high grades. I see my comrades a part of me and it sucks that I have no one at home but I have so much on this “temporary home”. I am not feeling well today. This is not the first time that my migraine is forcefully activating the pain receptors on my head so I had to tell my friends to execute everything without me again. I am physically present but my mind is flying somewhere else. I stared in a blank space and to my friends holding a voice recorder and a videocamera. They are filming a priest for an interview. I must say they have very good interviewing skills. I’m more than contented that they followed everything and some adlibs I’ve written for the script. That is the usual scene. I write and think of what needs to be done, foresee the best framework for our projects and they carry out the procedures because I cannot even stand properly. I just love this whole bunch for taking over. “I’m glad to know you all. Thanks for accepting my silliness into your elite group,” says Bianca after the interview. “There she goes again. Ha ha ha!” I cannot help but laugh to her puns. “But seriously though. I enjoyed shooting our MIL Project! “But seriously though. I enjoyed shooting our MIL Project! This documentary about angels gave me goosebumps,” says Isabel. “Thank you for cooperating with me. You guys were all so thrilled and enthusiastic I thought you were just acting like it.” “Trust on us, Mae.” It was one of my most thankful moments. I hold onto my grades because I can’t with my own flesh and blood. Those numbers are the only proof that I am worthy of living. But there would come a time when my body will betray me and force me to rest. I still have to study! My father will hurt me! Thank heavens my friends are such angels willing to back me up. “Sleepyhead, wake up. Sir is coming.” I felt a cold hand touch my forehead as I slowly open my eyes. I never realized I fell asleep in class. “Guess I’m still not feeling well.” “Does your arm hurt?” My eyes travelled down to my soar arm and onto my hands with traces of blood. “A little,” I whispered. I am fully covered with a thin jacket and I could only hope that the red stains won’t be much of a problem today. This secret shall be buried underneath the Earth to keep me alive and kicking. He’s always warned me to zip my sinful lips. Sir V went inside and gave us a quick reminder on the upcoming exams. He also gave us another task to accomplish for the day. “You’ll be using your drawing skills today.” The class went wild. Well, at least they feel the struggle too. I suck at drawing but I have to do well on this and for goodness sake, my temperature isn’t pitching in to my plan again. Better to endure the tasks here in school than torture myself with that man at home. Twenty minutes flew by and I am still staring at this white sheet. I could have drawn a wild masterpiece by now if it weren’t for my enervated physique. My head seems to be in scarcity of brilliant ideas at the moment. I just want to sleep this frustration away. “Remember the documentary we filmed last week and the good grade we get from our teamwork? Remember the words of Fr. Lucas? And your favorite lyrical excerpt?” Francesca suddenly came out of the blue. This girl knows when to save me. Come sweep me up in Your love again And my soul will dance On the wings of forever~ I remember it clearly. This is the song that gave me strength since last year. The song that revitalized my being. “My heart beating, my soul breathing. I found my life when I laid it down,” My voice sounds dreadful singing to it but I was so happy my friend knocked some sense out of me. It’s agonizing to battle with my own body, a bleeding one for that matter, but I’ll try my best because the song gave me a reason to. Lord, for you I’m doing this. I proceed on sketching a dove. That was really a fast and witty concept to make. I mouthed, “Thank you Ces.” Those were one of the days that my heart was pounding with so much joy I could even hear it thumping “Thanks”. I realized that I was fortunate to have a support system like that. I was feeble at home but I regain my strength from the words of my friends; like a dried flower blooming to life again because of sunlight. There are times when I’ll ask myself how come I have maintained a good standing in academics when my mind is stuck deeming of the crisis in my household? I do most of the job of course but my determination to keep going would have vanished a long time ago if it weren’t for my peers’ soothing reminders. These nine ladies became the great pillars to my roof. It was a bittersweet moment to think about the past. They were once here showering me with inspiration but now they went away with the current. No one dared to fight the waves. We ordered food in the canteen and quickly went to our favorite place as usual. I happily sat on my chair and asked everyone, “So excited for the school fair! Are you?” I checked on my friend’s reactions and I was dumbfounded to see their cold expressions. “Hey, uhm, is anyone going with me?” These weird fellas are pranking me again. Way to go! Again with the no response. “Unless I get credit for my hardwork then—,” exclaimed Bianca. “That was my idea too—,” shouted Isabel. “Oh then how the hell.” “How the hell am I better than you?” My eyebrows raised at the sarcasm in their words. What the freak is going on? They are still spitting fire but they weren’t looking at each other. Are they seriously fighting in front of our meal? So no one from the group is going to stop them? I shaked my head in disappointment at my oblivion. Why am I not informed about this conflict? Isabel loudly put down his utensils and headed for the canteen doors. Four of my friends stood up in unison as they evil eyed me and the rest from the circle. What? I don’t get it. Is this a prank? Things were okay all year round until the fourth quarter. I felt like I was thrown in a deep well looking for light. I cannot see. I can’t grab a ladder to go back. I was drowning. My life at home was pure torture and my other world is slowly falling apart. “I am not buying that Isabel. Come on now. It’s easy to say you got my idea and never gave me credit for it. We’re always together. We work on projects as one team and it’s easy to admit that my ideas are better than yours sometimes!” Bianca stood from her chair and pointed her long finger to my friend. The day after the rebuttal was the time when I admitted to myself that the tables have officially turned for me. I hit rock bottom and the last weapon I could resort to to continue living has turned into a massive problem that I have to deal with too. I ate all by myself and rumor has it that my group had split into two because of the conflict between Bianca and Isabel. I cannot take sides. I’d rather be alone and to my horror, we’re grouped again for a project in Biology. I could not believe that they hold onto their pride for this immature drama. It’s getting out of hand and my classmates are looking towards our direction now it’s embarrassing. My being outdated adds so much mental trauma that my chest literally feels like bursting for an explosion. “We know you’re carrying so much at home we don’t want you to think more about this,” Viel whispered to me. “What is going on? I feel betrayed!” “And hurt. You’ve been a good Ate to us that we don’t want you upset.” She let out a deep sigh and continued, “but we can’t control the emotions of these two. They’re just not in good terms right now. Please refrain from being affected Mae. Stay out of it.” They know I can never do that. I noisily let out my frustration and I buffered for a minute as I absorb this agonizing moment. Why did this dilemma come out when school year is about to end? I scanned the crowd to see handful of jaws dropping as they witness Bianca’s soft image turning three hundred sixty degrees now that she is fuming angry. I’m the one in the middle, lost and confused. “Why are we suddenly splitting up? Can we stop this drama!” I shouted. “Easy, Mae. We don’t always believe Isabel,” exclaimed CJ. “Nor we always believe Bianca! Dream on. I know your duality Biancs since the start of the schoolyear!” says Francesca. I can no longer take it from there. I ran to the back of the room and out to the hallway. I received a text from Mimi. I was catching my breath when I felt the vibration from my pocket. It was a good idea that you went away, Mae. Now they’re blaming you for tolerating Isabel and discrediting Bianca. I know you’re a great leader but do you really have to do that? I’m hurt. You’re smart but you can be a total disappointment too. My knees felt weak for this confrontation and lie. I sat down on the quiet hallway. Insecurities killed the friendship. So am I wrong to have this massive group? How dense am I really? Tears streamed down my cheeks as I felt the sting on my arms and the cold belt touching my body when he is enjoying the sight of my blood. I closed my eyes as I recalled those nights with him in the dark. “Dad, please. I’m sorry. I’ll do better in school. Promise! Dad! Please!” “SHUT YOUR SINFUL MOUTH!” And the thick leather belt hit my thighs again. Mom doesn’t know, and I will be cold dead if she did. Father bought me another jacket to cover up my wounds. I could count he has five of different variants every night he’s planned to enjoy his new “hobby”. I held my jacket tightly as blood dripped out from my arms. The wound is still fresh. I hope this heals before I become the person who does the job of healing. The simple argument turned worse. I looked at this thin piece of white paper holding my future. For the first time in forever I got a line of 8. I missed all group performance tasks for all subjects. My grade went ten feet underground and I lost all my friends just because of the insecurity I never thought existed within our group. I have to prepare for my punishment later today. I clenched my fist while holding my red jacket. What is God really telling me? I’ve tried my hardest to reconcile these kind people but turns out they were mad at me too. I do not understand where they are coming from, Lord. Upward falling, spirit soaring, I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground~ “Viel, can I talk to you for a minute please?” “Just 60 seconds.” “If you want a timer, then go ahead. I miss all of you. Are there any ways we could do to fix this? I’m transferring school next year. My parents decided to split up because my mom knew about… this,” I pointed to my bruises. “And you know what happens after that. I just want you to know that being open to each other is crucial. Challenges in school will ALWAYS test our patience. If you think you cannot continue further, then blaming another person won’t help you win this game. Look up, kneel down and pour your heart to Him. This way you’ll get moving to the right path. Our religious circle had forgotten God and made us slaves to our own hardships. I thought we will never be fazed by any of that? I’m still helping you out here even if everyone has turned their backs on me. I’m still the Ate of the group,” I turned around after saying those words I always wanted to tell them. I’m in awe to have the courage to speak to them again after the troublesome experience. This closure is harder than I thought. For the last time, Mae, let those tears back to your ducts. You need to appear bold and undaunted. “Mae, trust that I will relay your words to them. The storm…has calmed down. Thank you for being the dove we always needed for strength.” “You did just the same for… me.” I left her after I bid my last farewell. This is my last day as an 11th grade student and I am still alone in my serenity. I am part of the top 5 in the batch but I am not totally happy. Teens do have extreme emotions and I am glad I was able to control mine. I shed a tear for the things I have realized and I am so proud of not self-destructing. In this moment, I found strength from my own self but I never really wanted to forget that bitter past. Did God make me experience that silent treatment so I could talk to myself more? I just know that I am more prepared for the battle that lies ahead. I only have myself and thank heavens I’m stronger as ever. Will I forgive? Will I forget the words thrown like daggers to my heart during those days that I was close to waving the white flag? “You always wanted to be a leader but you take sides.” “You’re the angel within the group but you are just a silent killer.” “You know we hate you right?” “You know we used you for grades, right?” I am Mae, an eighteen-year-old whose fragile heart almost become her reason of giving in to darkness. I am close to having depression and the ones that I thought were my angels turned demons to lure me into ending my own life. Lord, why did they have to hide behind those masks? I forcefully wiped my face from the stupid tears. I am hearing something. I looked up to see my two friends huddled around me. What is this? Viel knelt down in front of me and said she’s sorry. CJ followed and mouthed, “Thank you for making us realize a very important life hack...again.” I pat both of their heads, cried and laughed with them. “But where are the others?” “They decided to leave. Sorry Mae but some people’s hearts are really closed for this,” says Viel. “I am deeply lonesome that they get devoured by their own anger but we are here to say that we’re thankful of you. We were always each other’s strength and I am beyond happy to be back here with you. I am deeply sorry for taking sides.” I no longer said anything and just hugged them. The real ones will stay, and I have these two here. They come, and they go. Some people are here but eventually will be gone. Some friendships won’t last long especially if it isn’t real. I learned four crucial life lessons: Do not be too attached; be mighty enough to ignore negativities to carry on in life; millennials must master the art of overcoming emotions to cope with the labels of society; and trust is not something thrown at people initially when they show kindness. My goal is to finish school and invest more in myself. If I learn to overcome my emotions, I’d be able to work more efficiently so that I could be the best nurse that my mom always wanted me to be. My friends are like patients in need of care. I am like my friends too. We need therapeutic treatment and communication. Just like how I must tell them what their weaknesses are and not letting them give their word of dependence. Just like how they assist me with hopes of curing me along the way and in return, I will always be just around the corner to listen and ask for God’s miracle. Just like what a true nurse should do for her clients. So this is my mother’s remark. I should build good connections with the people around me, but I should pick the true jewel in all deceiving shows. Listening alone could be an aid. These conflicts had been my training ground. Lord, truly knows his plans for me. Upward falling, spirit soaring, I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground~ The song stopped because of the sudden ringing on my pocket. My reminiscing mind went back to earth. A twelve-digit lighted up my phone. “Congrats, anak. You passed Ateneo! Road to becoming a student nurse! Let’s celebrate later.” It was mom and I told her I’ll come home immediately. “Mae! Let us visit father now! Come!” “Sure thing!” I removed my earpods and walked with them. I smiled and looked up. All the downs of my life had a reason. I’m blessed to discover that I’m stronger because of Him. “Congratulations again, bestie!” “You always inspire us, you deserve it!” I hugged them once more before entering the chapel and meeting Father Lucas for the last time. PIECE 9