BUILDING HEALTHY SELF CONCEPT
1. Self-Analysis/ Self- Awareness
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Discover your interests
Discover your values and beliefs
Know your learning style
Discover your strengths, weaknesses, opportunities, & threats
2. Assess your level of self esteem
Self-esteem is a reflection of what you think and how you feel about yourself. Positive
self-esteem is:
 meeting life's challenges and not feeling victimized
 taking responsibility for your thoughts, words and actions
 making conscious choices to empower & love yourself
Symptoms of low self esteem
The faces and symptoms of low self-esteem can be different depending on who you are.
Can you recognize yourself in any of these low self-esteem signs?
 People with low self-esteem constantly doubt themselves and do not trust their
judgment
 Operate out of a fear of rejection and look for approval from friends, family and
co-workers.
 Are typically unassertive in their behavior with others.
 Blame themselves, often think everything is their fault.
 Seek the approval of others to be happy
 Are anxious about the future and are often depressed
 Have a tendency not to act. They become stuck and immobilized because they are
afraid of failure.
 Sometimes over compensate and become over-achievers.
 Can be perfectionists. Constantly seeking to improve themselves and their
environment. They are never satisfied.
 Are constantly plagued with negative self-talk and self-doubt. They are unable to
affirm themselves positively.
 Are unable to make an honest assessment of their strengths, qualities, and good
points; they find it difficult to accept compliments or recognition from others.
 Are insecure, anxious, and nervous when they are with others.
 Are easily overcome with despair and depression when they experience a setback
or loss in their lives.
 Have a tendency to overreact and become de-energized by resentment, anger, and
the desire for revenge against those whom they believe have not fully accepted
them.
 Fulfill roles in their family that are counter-productive and co-dependent.
 Are vulnerable to mental health problems. They often use addictive behavior to
medicate their emotional pain. Such addictive behavior can include alcohol, drugs,
food, gambling, sex, shopping, smoking, working too much, or the endless search
for truth.
Note: fill self-esteem quiz to assess your self-esteem level
3. Know how your brain works
Understanding your thought patterns and how the brain works provides a frame of
reference for improving your self-esteem.
Brain Pathways
The brain is made up of cells called neurons. These cells have nerve endings called
synapses and dendrites. Nerve endings release chemical and electrical stimuli to
communicate with each other. This brain communication forms neuro-pathways in the
brain and is the basis for how the brain works.
When you initially learn something the pathway or connection is weak. The more
frequently you think a particular thought the stronger the pathway becomes, forming an
automatic habit of thinking. We call this brain training.
Now that you understand how the brain works let's take a look at an example:
Learning to Ride a Bike
At first you must pay attention to staying balanced, keeping your
eyes on the road, holding onto the handlebars and steering in your
desired direction. Then the more you practice, the stronger your
bicycle riding pathways become.
Eventually you are able to get on your bike and ride without
thinking. You're operating on automatic. A strong brain pathway
has been created as though new brain software has been uploaded
and is seamlessly operating in your mind.
How Your Self Esteem is Formed
Your brain works the same way in forming how you think about yourself. As a child your
thoughts about yourself are formed from the messages you’ve heard and believed from
important and influential people in your life.
For example, if you were continually made fun of by classmates and not invited to play
with them when you were a child, you have probably developed a low self esteem
thought pattern regarding friends and social situations. As a result, as an adult, obsessive
thinking reflecting these patterns, may automatically surface in social gatherings where
you experience anxiety, fear and nervousness based on thoughts like:
- People don’t like me
- I was only invited because they had to
- Nobody’s going to talk to me
- I don’t know what to say
These beliefs are what we call your dominant thought pattern. They operate on automatic,
like a habit, and are the thoughts that trigger, consciously or unconsciously your feelings
and reactions to the circumstances of your life.
Good News: Thought Patterns Can Be Changed!
When you become aware of what you are thinking and feeling, you can choose and
practice using new thoughts and behaviors. With practice, your new thoughts will
become your dominate thoughts replacing old patterns of thinking.
Remember: To create new thought patterns requires practice...like learning to ride a bike.
4. Discover your beliefs
Discover what beliefs you hold about yourself and decide which ones you want to change.
How Baby Elephants Are Trained
Elephants in captivity are trained, at an early age, not to roam. One leg of a baby elephant
is tied with a rope to a wooden post planted in the ground.
The rope confines the baby elephant to an area determined by the length of the rope.
Initially the baby elephant tries to break free from the rope, but the rope is too strong.
The baby elephant "learns" that it can't break the rope.
When the elephant grows up and is strong, it could easily break the same rope. But
because it "learned" that it couldn't break the rope when it was young, the adult elephant
believes that it still can't break the rope, so it doesn't even try!
Humans operate in a similar way. We learned something about ourselves at an early age
and still believe it as an adult. Even though it may not be true, we operate as if it is.
Fortunately, humans are born with the ability to make conscious choices - an important
step in changing how you perceive yourself.
Note: Complete what I believe worksheet
5. Exercise positive thoughts
Negative thoughts habits examples
 The fortune telling habit ( a habit of negatively predicting about outcomes)
a) I’ll go but I won’t enjoy myself
b) Nothing will ever workout for me
These types of thoughts cause avoidant behavior which stops us from availing
opportunities and to cope with risks. We do not have fortune telling skills so we should
not trust these thoughts. Build awareness of your thoughts, and examine and challenge
them. Review, reappraise and reframe. Changing how you think changes how you feel
which changes how you behave….
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a)
b)
c)
The mind reading habit
He thinks I am stupid
The interviewer thought I was not competent
She wants the boss to hate me
WE DO NOT HAVE MIND READING SKILLS. Those are your thoughts, not theirs. Those are
your assumptions – andthey cannot be relied upon when we have an emotional health disorder
and we’re filtering life through the negative lens. Thought stop and reframe.
 The emotional reasoning habit
a) I feel scared therefore it’s a bad situation
b) I feel alone therefore my life is awful
c) I feel so angry therefore you deserve to be punished
Actually, no, FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. This is hugely important in
understanding and managing your emotionalhealth when you’re overly upset often, and
have a pattern of self sabotaging behaviours.Human beings have a primal ‘fight or flight’
physiological response to stress and fear – releasing the stress hormonesAdrenaline and
Cortisol, which pump up our body to handle a physical threat or predator, even though
today's threats
are mostly psychological. This means our stress response to situations is not just
emotional, it’s literally physical too –symptoms of fight or flight include a racing heart,
too much oxygen, the digestive system and immune system shutting down, veins dilating
and causing blushing, the body sweating to cool itself down, and shaking and spacing out
from an oxygen and adrenaline stimulus. Physical pumping up would be very handy to
fight or run from a tiger, but it’s very
unhelpful as we try to go about the business of everyday life isn't it? If we have anxiety
or depression, even low to moderate, we are hardwired for fear ‐ and for many of us our
systems can simmer in fight or flight mode inappropriately on and off throughout each
day, with us not knowing what it is, just feeling shaky and not right. Inextreme anxiety
these symptoms escalate to actual panic attacks.
Accepting the above means that if we use ‘emotional reasoning’, if we depend on how
we ‘feel’ to interpret situations, we will misinterpret what's going on. Adopt CBT coping
skills. Build awareness of your thinking and feeling (both emotional and physical) and
behaving. Examine it. Understand and accept your body and your primal condition.
When you feel shaky and upset: pause, practice deep breathing to regulate your overload
of oxygen, consider the facts of the situation, and reappraise and reframe with new self
talk. Tell yourself'There is no tiger.' You have an anxiety disorder, your body is
exercising it’s design flaw when it interprets something as a danger or hazard. It is what it
is. You can handle it. CHANGE YOUR MIND, CHANGE YOUR MOOD.
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 The awfulising habit
a) It’s awful I can’t tolerate it
b) I don’t have attractive friends it’s awful.
The way we talk to ourselves, our self talk, about situations and the world, the
meaning and significance we attach to events, causes our physical and behavioural
responses. We develop a habit of making mountains out of molehills when we use
extreme language in response to pretty benign events – and when we believe and
trust this ‘self talk’ – it turns on fight or flight, and starts a self fulfilling prophecy of a
vicious circle that feeds itself. (Include other self talk like ‘I can’t cope’ and ‘I can’t
bear this’ in this habit.) This language just serves to maximise your discomfort. It is
possible to challenge and change this habit, and to develop a new habit of using less
incendiary and more appropriate rational words to describe events:
 The must and should habit (inflexible rules/demanding thoughts)
a) I must be thoroughly competent at all times or else I am incompetent
b) I must be loved by every single person around me
c) Things must gone the way I want them to
d) People must behave as I think they ought to
e) You must treat me with respect and kindness or you are a bad person who
should be punished
Albert Ellis explains this as “The idea that it is horrible when things are not the
way we like them to be… … instead of the idea that it is too bad, that we had
better try to change or control bad conditions so that they become more
satisfactory, and, if that is not possible, we had better temporarily accept and
gracefully lump their existence.” Reframe and CHANGE MUSTS TO
PREFERENCES, because they are illogical (who made us a God of the world?
Where is it written in the stones or stars that you can control the random world or
the thoughts and behaviours of others?).
 The black and white habit (all or nothing)
a) She is successful I am loser
b) She is skinny I am fat
Things are never really an either/or. There are a a whole spectrum of grays between
extremes, but this habit does not account for that. Change the habit by monitoring your
self talk, and by ‘thought stopping’ and reframing with new healthy realistic language
instead: ‘I’m doing my black and white habit here saying she’s a horrible person and that
I’ll never speak to her again because she didn’t behave as I expected her to but it’s more
true to say that I’m sad and disappointed, that I think she’s thoughtless’. ‘It’s silly to say
my colleague is evil – it’s more true to say that we don’t get on. and that I don’t
understand him and disapprove of some of his behaviour.
Build your confidence
Boost confidence by exploring and identifying what makes your feel good. Regular
reminders of these, creates new brain pathways and strengthens your self esteem muscle.
When your confidence is low, how do you react? Do you:
Blame others?
Withdraw?
Get angry?
Cry?
Note: Complete Toot your horn work sheet, self confidence work sheet
Practice to love yourself
1. List what you honor and appreciate about yourself - your gifts, talents, skills and
abilities:
my sense of humor
my commitment to feeling good about myself
my willingness to help others
openness to learn new things
2. When you've completed your list, read it aloud while looking in a mirror. Begin each
statement with the words, I Love my:
I Love my sense of humor!
I Love my commitment to feeling good about myself!
I Love my willingness to help others!
I Love my openness to learn new things!
Have you ever noticed that when you commit to generating positive thoughts you still
hear the voice of doubt, fear and uncertainty running like an endless recording in your
mind?
You boldly create an affirmation, "I focus my attention on a positive thoughts, words and
actions." But, whenever you write it and say it you also hear other - powerful negative affirmations in your mind: "Who are you kidding you’re so judgmental? This is too hard,
what's positive about having more bills than I can pay? I just don't know how to do this."
Overlaying a positive thought on a belief that is at odds with the affirmation is not
enough to upgrade the software of your mind. It’s like putting a bandage on a wound
without first cleaning the wound and applying the appropriate medicine. You won’t see
the wound directly, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exit.
To truly create a new brain pathway based on your positive thinking, you must free your
heart and mind from your negative programming not merely cover it up with a new
thought that you really don’t believe.
You may be wondering, Okay - how do I do this? Often installing positive thinking
software begins with an awareness of your negative thinking. Here’s how it works:
Benefits of Positive Thinking Exercise
1. Identify something you are not happy about in your life right now (an unhappy
relationship, being overweight, being unemployed, a strained relationship with a family
member or friend, etc…)
2. Choose 1 item and create a positive thinking power statement that defines what you
desire. (My relationship is a source of joy in my life. I love and honor my body, etc…)
3. Take a piece of paper and fold it in half. One the left hand-side write your positive
affirmation. On the right-hand side write the thoughts - whatever thoughts - pop into your
mind in reaction to your affirmation.
Here’s an example:
I love, appreciate and care for my body /But I’m overweight
I love, appreciate and care for my body/I weigh too much
I love, appreciate and care for my body/I’m too lazy
I love, appreciate and care for my body /It’s too hard
I love, appreciate and care for my body/I don’t stick with healthy exercise and eating
4. Look for themes in the statements on the right side of the page. In the example above
the themes include: a lack of confidence, concerns about this being too hard, doubt in
success.
5. Take those themes and incorporate them into the positive thinking affirmation so it
becomes:
I am easily successful in loving, appreciating and caring for my body.
I am supported as I effortlessly love, appreciate and care for my body in my thoughts,
words and actions.
My thoughts, words and behavior reflect the love, appreciation and care I give to my
body.
6. To further reinforce and tap into the true potency of your positive thinking affirmation,
use the full resources of your imagination to create a visualization of your positive
thinking affirmation accomplished.
For example:
I am wearing my beautiful new black dress at my birthday party. I hear my family and
friends singing Happy Birthday to me. I feel confident, beautiful and healthy. I know how
satisfying a small piece of my strawberry shortcake birthday cake tastes.
6. Acknowledge what is right in your life
When you live your life with an attitude of thankfulness, you begin to see yourself and
the world in a different light. When you acknowledge What Is Right In My Life, you
experience greater joy, confidence, and trust in your ability to successfully meet and deal
with the challenges of life. Problems do not seem as overwhelming when you take a few
moments each day to count your blessings and appreciate those who enrich your lives.
Begin cultivating gratitude by making a gratitude list and read it regularly as a reminder
to be thankful everyday. Research has shown that people who practice gratitude everyday
are healthier and happier.
7. Choose to be happy
Pleasure List Worksheet - Sample Responses
Make of List of the people and pets who bring a smile to your face when you think of
them:
My grandchildren-Solange and Rhone
My dog Rosie
Bruce
Make a List of the places that bring a smile to your face when you think of them:
The beach in East Hampton
Sunset over Sarasota Bay
Sedona
Central Park
Make a list of the things that bring a simile to your face when you think of them:
Cold watermelon on a hot day
Bouquet of flowers
My favorite mug
Photo album of friends
Make a list of the things you like to do that bring you pleasure:
Hot bath
Play golf
Go for a walk
listen to music
Meditation
Meditation is a self-healing process, any form of stress is a sign of our negative thinking
and Dis ease within our mind. If we don't attend to dis ease in the mind we may find that
chronic stress can lead to disease of the body.
Be Here Now Technique
1. Write down all the things that are cluttering your mind right now. Include chores to
complete and, concerns and questions you have. As you write each item down, know that
you are clearing your mind to be more fully present here and now. When your list is
complete, put it down and:
2. Sit comfortably and close your eyes.
3. Count from 1 to 5, focusing your attention on your breath as you inhale a sense of calm
and relaxation through your nose and exhale completely through your mouth.
4. At the count of 5, experience yourself as more relaxed and at ease, ready to expand
your experience of confidence and well-being in the present moment.
5. 1 continuing to focus on your breath, inhaling a sense of calm and relaxation and
exhaling completely.
6. 2 if you notice any tension or tightness in your body, breathe into that part of your
body and as you exhale experience yourself as more relaxed, more at ease.
7. 3 if thoughts enter your mind, simply notice them, and as you exhale let them go,
continuing to focus your attention on your breath, breathing in a deeper sense of calm and
relaxation and exhaling completely.
8. 4 continuing to focus on our breath as you allow yourself to fully relax your mind and
body, feeling a sense of confidence and renewal filling your being.
9. And 5 experiencing yourself as relaxed, alert and confident, fully supported by the seat
beneath you. Allowing peace, happiness and confidence to full your being at this present
moment as you now open yourself to deepening your experience of peace and happiness.
10. And now as you experience yourself as fully present in this moment, slowly and
effortlessly allow your eyes to open, feeling wide awake, alert, better than before – fully
present here and now.
This guided meditation script can be used anytime you feel the need to take a break and
clear your mind.
A recording of this free guided meditation script will be available soon. Click the RSS
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While there are many types of meditation, all meditation methods involve focusing your
attention on a focal point. The focal point may be: your breath, a word, a mantra (a phrase
repeated over and over again) a chant, a sound or an object (like a candle flame, flower, a
beautiful picture) or a relaxing mental image.
The object is to focus your mind - concentrating on your focal point - to the exclusion of
other thoughts. When you find yourself thinking about something else - like what you
have to do when you finish meditating, or wondering how much longer you have to sit
still- you simply notice it, accept it and then return your attention to your focal
point. Your intent is to learn to control your thoughts.
By practicing this mind control, you will eventually:
Stop thinking about other things during meditations
Reduce your brain activity and quiet your mind
Expand your experience of heaven on earth, and
Strengthen your ability to consciously choose where to direct your attention throughout
your day