Nothing- Ciji Vellilappillil I stopped believing, that’s it, that’s why I failed… the reason why I quit music. So much talent, so much potential but I stopped believing in myself…I lost his way cause I couldn’t figure out what to do next with my life and I guess all the stress added up and finally broke me…my music was great…many around me would listen to it all the time…it would get me into a pumped up emotional state and the lyrics never got old…no one gave me a chance but I think that in today’s world that doesn’t matter; I didn’t even give myself the chance to take control of my career the way I could have. Maybe it was fear from doubting myself and it crippled his ambition. I did it for so long with no financial gain, no recognition for my genius and I couldn’t do it no more…I gave up and that’s why I fell into a pit of insanity; I just couldn’t do it anymore. Does it matter to you that I fell of the edge? Not sure I can go away and reflect on it. Not sure I can get through my own madness. If I can go to the top of a mountain, like a Buddhist Monk, perhaps I may have a chance. This life, and my thoughts, they fit perfectly together, don’t they? And what was it all for Music? Is it fair for a man to sacrifice his sanity for his craft? Is that what God wants? If that is so, then why must I be sacrificed? Why does ambition result in pain? forget who said that we are all living lives of quiet desperation. I believe we are. The smiles, the charms, it’s all bullshit…all smokescreen. We all suffer within, don’t we? We are all mad, crazy, nuts, psycho. It’s true. Walk down the street and look into the eyes of the man or woman you walk past. It’s hidden but it’s there. When you become someone like me, when you get pushed too close to the edge of sanity you connect with that dark place instantly and you identify with it. It is as though you are a pyromaniac attracted to a house full of cats in flame or a soldier not only leaving his family for war but also for another lover. Sometimes, I will stare into the mirror and wait for the madness to creep from my eyes and leave me once and for all. But all it ever does is reach the surface and smile gently at me, with a wise gleam. Yeah, I am crazy. I love that I am crazy but I also hate who I am. I wouldn’t expect you to understand that. They say genius and madness have a thin line between them. Mozart, he lost his sanity. Some called him crazy, others believed him sane. I guess I'm crazy too. My once sane mind, is losing its sanity now. I walk that fence every day and lately it has been getting harder to stay balanced but I love the feeling. Maybe this feeling is wrong, but I’ll embrace it like a beautiful song, I feel the madness taking a hold, of me, I can’t explain what it is, but my mind is leaving by body. Like day destroys the night, night destroys day, Valkyries hold is tight, and Lord take my pain away. The feeling the lithium is giving me is hitting hard, scarring my soul and ripping it a part from me. I try to find it my soul, my sanity in amidst of the boldest insanity, my mind is a warzone calamity like the ones you see on T.V. as so I take on pill allowing me to go into a state of Chemical imbalance. The lithium. It sweeps over me, it’s cold and harsh. Bumps raise up on my arms, and I start to shake, my teeth chatter fast and begin to burn up, yet, inside my mind hell is freezing over with my thoughts starting to spin. Not this again I plead in my mind. I had promised I wouldn’t overdose but here I am again. But it all adds up, like a pair of hand wrapped tightly around someone’s neck, doesn’t it? You can ridicule me some more my dear friend, you can pity me, you can lead me to inspiring advice but the truth is, there is nothing you can do or say that can haunt me more than my own soul. Do what you have to do, say what you have to say…it means nothing… Nothing… All is fading to nothing… Writers Statement The monologue ‘Nothing’, written by Ciji Vellilappillil, transformed from the play ‘Cosi’ by Louis Nowra recalls the moments before the character Zac blackout during the play Cosi Fan Tutte. Techniques such as imagery, repetition, rhyme, and epigraph to highlight to the parallelism to the play written by Nowra.
