Sexuality & Culture (2015) 19:139–156
DOI 10.1007/s12119-014-9250-5
ORIGINAL PAPER
Let’s (Not) Talk about Sex: The Gender of Sexual
Discourse
Beth Montemurro • Jennifer Bartasavich
Leann Wintermute
•
Published online: 12 October 2014
Springer Science+Business Media New York 2014
Abstract Although much attention is given to women’s sexuality, sex is often an
uncomfortable or avoided topic. There are taboos about women openly discussing
their own sexual behavior, sexual desire, or sexual problems in large part because
sex talk is masculinized. Based on in-depth interviews with a diverse group of
ninety-five women aged 20–68, we examine gendered discourses about sexuality.
We find that most women are uncomfortable talking about sex in general and fear
judgment for communicating desire or talking about sexual behavior. Yet, when
women construct sex-related conversations in a feminine way, such as a means of
supporting a friend or emotional bonding, they are more open to sex talk. Furthermore, we see women’s talk or avoidance of sex talk as compliant with interaction norms and gendered face-saving behavior for themselves and others.
Keywords
Face work
Sexuality Talk Gender Masculinity Gendered discourse Introduction
Sex remains a controversial interpersonal conversation topic in American society
for women, despite popular culture characterizations that indicate otherwise.
Research finds that American women are generally reluctant to talk about sex or
their sexuality (Greene and Faulkner 2005; Muise 2011; Waskul et al. 2007) and
fear judgment if they show sexual desire or communicate too much interest in sex
(Hamilton and Armstrong 2009; Tanenbaum 2000; Tolman 2002). Although frank
discussion of sexuality is omnipresent in popular culture (e.g., Cabrera and Menard
B. Montemurro (&) J. Bartasavich L. Wintermute
Penn State Abington, 1600 Woodland Road, Abington, PA 19001, USA
e-mail: eam15@psu.edu
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2013; Meyer and Wood 2013; Smith 2012), women’s personal sex lives and sexual
concerns remain private subjects.
In this paper, we explore the way women feel about talking about sex, how and
when they talk about sex, and factors that promote or inhibit discussion of sexuality.
Based on in-depth interviews with a diverse group of ninety-five women, most of
whom identified as heterosexual, we find sexual discourse is gendered discourse and
women’s general discomfort with the subject of sex is related to the way public
sexuality is masculinized. We argue that when women hesitate to talk about sex
because they find it embarrassing or inappropriate for discussion among women,
they re-inscribe and reproduce gender difference and support traditional constructions of hegemonic masculinity and emphasized femininity.
Having the Talk
Much of the literature regarding discussion of sexuality focuses on adult-child
interactions and the messages parents send to their children by the form and content
of sex talks, or the lack thereof (e.g., Crichton et al. 2012; Hutchinson and
Cederbaum 2011; Schalet 2011; Solebello and Elliott 2011). Beyond literature on
parent–child discussion of sex, a few studies explore barriers to sex talk specifically.
For example, in a study on sexual discussions of menstruation, abstinence, and
pregnancy in Kenya, both mothers and their daughters confessed to feeling
embarrassed talking about sexuality with each other and avoided sex talk (Crichton
et al. 2012). Comfort also comes into play when intimate partners discuss sex
(Gavey et al. 2001; Huong 2010; Little et al. 2011). Among adolescent couples,
many reported feeling uncomfortable being honest with their partners about
sexuality as they were afraid to upset them. As a result, they kept what they were
feeling to themselves, often leading to unwanted sexual experiences and depressive
symptoms (Little et al. 2011).
Culture plays a pivotal role in attitudes about sex and gender, and such attitudes
greatly impact the likelihood that sex is an acceptable topic for discussion. Schalet
(2011) found that while Dutch parents normalize teenage sex, American parents
dramatize it and focus on control and deterrence. Consequently, American teenagers
talked with their parents less and hid their sexual identities more. As scholars like
Fine (1988), Tolman (2002), and Waskul et al. (2007) have noted there is little
emphasis on learning about sexual desire or pleasure in sex education, particularly
for girls. So, American girls grow up in a culture where they see sex as a subject
fraught with conflict, tension, or drama. When they fail to learn how to talk about
sex and their bodies in ways that recognize or render legitimate their desire, when
they see sexual confidence or ownership of sexual desire as for boys and men, it is
not surprising that they become women who are uncomfortable talking about sex.
The Gender of Sexual Discourse
Using a symbolic interactionist approach, we interpret the reasons why women may
feel uncomfortable discussing sexuality in one situation but not another. Interactionist approaches to gender look at how difference is created and recreated in social
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interaction (Goffman 1977; West and Zimmerman 1987). We look at how ways of
talking and appropriate subjects for discussion are constructed as masculine or
feminine (Cohn 1993; Knight et al. 2012; Murnen 2000; Nylund 2007). Carol Cohn
(1993) noted the importance of looking at how language itself is gendered,
independent of the person using it. As she wrote, ‘‘…gender [is] a symbolic system,
a central organizing discourse of culture, one that not only shapes how we
experience and understand ourselves as men and women, but that also interweaves
with other discourses and shapes them—and therefore shapes other aspects of our
world,’’ (Cohn 1993, p. 449). Understanding gender discourse is not just about
understanding differences or similarities in the way women or men talk, but also the
masculinity and femininity of specific topics or ways of speaking, as well as
realizing what these patterns demonstrate about power, respect, and social status.
Gender discourses influence the ways that girls and boys, men and women view the
world and their place in it.
In many social arenas and in many ways, sex talk is masculinized. Jokes about
women’s bodies, about sex, function as a way for men to perform masculinity, assert
power over women, and reinforce sex talk as their domain (Curry 1991; Knight et al.
2012; Nylund 2007; Pascoe 2007). Men learn to talk about sex in cruder ways that
demonstrate their dominant position in heterosexual sexual encounters and reinforce
women’s status as objects to be used for men’s benefit. Knight et al. (2012) found
that men engage in ‘‘guy talk’’ about sex, which includes ‘‘descriptions about sexual
encounters (whom they had sex with and what sex acts they engaged in)’’ but rarely
talk about sexual health because they marked it as help-seeking behavior, which
they classified as feminine.
Heterosexual sex talk becomes a way for men to achieve and demonstrate
hegemonic masculinity, and also allows for the normalization of their sexual desire
and sexual activity (Knight et al. 2012). Hegemonic masculinity (Connell 1995)
calls for sexual subjectivity—that is acting as a subject rather than an object in
sexual encounters, confidence in sexual decision making, feeling deserving of
desire, and seeking sexual satisfaction (Montemurro 2014; Martin 1996; Tolman
2002). Thus, when men talk about sex in a self-assured manner, using terminology
consistent with hegemonic masculinity that marks their dominance, their power and
privileged status in sexual encounters and relationships is reinforced and valued
over other expressions of sexuality (Logan 2010). And both men and women judge
women who talk about sex graphically or crudely. In an experiment in which
participants evaluated talk about a sexual situation using more or less degrading
language, Murnen (2000) found that ‘‘women who used more degrading language
were judged the most aggressive (particularly by other women), perhaps because
this behavior violated expectations associated with the feminine gender role’’ (p.
326).
The feminizing of women’s talk about sex reflects the construction of gendered
feeling rules in conversation. Feeling rules guide our expression of emotions by
‘‘establishing the sense of entitlement or obligation that governs emotional
exchange’’ (Hochschild 1983, p. 56). Feeling rules are most often implicit,
unwritten but socially understood (Goffman 1959; Hochschild 1983). In social
situations, people typically work to avoid embarrassment of themselves and others,
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to ‘‘save face’’ (Goffman 1955). And, in interaction, people are expected to follow
normative feeling rules and be as concerned with other’s face as much as their own.
As Goffman wrote, ‘‘Members of group expected to sustain a standard of
considerateness… to save feelings and the face of others present, and[one] is
expected to do this willingly and spontaneously because of emotional identification
with others and with their feelings’’ (1955, p. 215). People also rely on the
consistency of others’ faces and feel morally and emotionally bound to not make
others uncomfortable.
Encounters run smoothly when all parties follow this norm; that is, when they
take into consideration the feelings of others and say not just what they think or
want to say but also what others want to hear. Women who have questions about
sex, who would like to talk more about their desires as a means of making sense of
it, or who simply enjoy the discussion of intimacy are constrained by feminized
feeling rules of conversation. We thus also analyze women’s discussion or
avoidance of sex as an example of face maintenance (Goffman 1955).
Sexual Subjectivity and the Importance of Talking about Sex
Although girls and women sometimes reveal their desire for sex in private
conversations or to researchers, they generally keep quiet about it publicly because
they know the stigma reserved for girls who have casual sex or are purported to be
sexually active, particularly outside of monogamous, heterosexual relationships
(e.g., Hamilton and Armstrong 2009; Tanenbaum 2000; Tolman 2002). Not talking
about sex functions as a way for women to both defer to men’s sexual assertiveness
and enact expected sexual passivity, and to act in accordance with emphasized
femininity (Connell 1995). When women convey a belief that they should not even
talk about sex, they tacitly give into ideologies which label their sexual desires as
secondary or inconsequential. This may complicate their feelings of entitlement to
sexual pleasure (Armstrong et al. 2012; Gavey et al. 2001; Tolman 2002).
There are benefits to open discussion of sexuality for girls and women. Teenage
girls have greater sexual subjectivity and are less often held to binding double
standards in cultures where there is more frankness about sexuality (Schalet 2011;
Sternheimer 2003). Being able to talk with peers or family members who are going
through or have gone the same experiences can give women reassurance (Waskul
et al. 2007) and increase their sexual confidence. It is also important for adult
women to be able to discuss this topic with their partners because sexuality is a vital
component within most intimate relationships (Skultety 2007). Knowledge of what
is sexually important to a partner and self makes it easier for couples to bond
(MacNeil and Byers 2005). And Armstrong et al. (2012) found that heterosexual
college women are less likely to assert their sexual desires in hookups, but more
likely to do so when dating someone for 6 months or longer, which the authors
attribute to better communication in relationships. They wrote, ‘‘…doubts about
women’s entitlement to pleasure in casual liaisons keep women from asking to have
their desires satisfied and keep men from seeing women as deserving of their
attentiveness in hookups’’ (Armstrong et al. 2012, p. 458). Talking about sexual
assertion and sexual satisfaction as masculine encourages men and women to
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believe in gender differences and leads to less sexual boldness on the part of
women, more on the part of men, and the consequent privileging of men’s sexual
desire. Thus, the more we know about why and when women do or do not want to
talk about sex, the more we understand gendered power dynamics and barriers in the
development of sexual subjectivity or sexual agency.
Method
Between September 2008 and July 2011, the first author conducted in-depth
interviews with ninety-five women aged 20–68.1 Participants were recruited by
snowball sampling and via fliers posted in colleges, health clubs, local markets, and
senior centers. In order to be eligible to participate women needed to be
heterosexual and between the ages of twenty and sixty-nine. Initially, the intention
was to interview bisexual and lesbian women as well; however, the diversity of
sexual development experiences of these women as well as the existence of studies
on sexual orientation and sexual development (e.g., Diamond 2009), in addition to
the evaluation of demographic variables like age, parental status, marital status, and
religion, led to the decision to focus on heterosexual women only. The last 65
women interviewed were paid $25 for their time, as a grant was awarded to support
the research in the second year of data collection.
Interviews were conducted at locations convenient to participants such as their
homes, the first author’s home or office, public parks, or quiet coffee shops.
Interviews averaged about 100 min. As this part of a larger study on women’s
sexuality, questions focused on women’s attitudes about sexuality, as well as the
ways sexuality developed and changed during women’s lives. Women were
specifically asked about whether or not they talk about sex, who they talk with, and
why they do or do not talk openly about sex.
Twenty of the women were in their 20 s, 20 in their 30 s, 19 in their 40 s, 18 in
their 50 s, and 18 in their 60 s. All but three of the women interviewed lived in
Pennsylvania (71), New Jersey (13), or New York (8). Seven women were born and
raised outside of the United States. Fifty percent (47) of the women were currently
married, 25 % (24) were never married (though three of those women were engaged
and ten were in relationships), 17 % were divorced, 5 % were separated, and two
were widowed. Fifty-two percent of women self-defined as middle class, 22 % as
working class, 24 % as upper middle class, and one woman as upper class.
Overall, this sample was more educated than the general population with onethird (32) of the women holding bachelor’s degrees and about 30 % (28) having
earned graduate degrees. Five women had associates degrees and twenty-three
women (24 %) noted that they had some college (15 of whom were current
students). Only six women had a high school education or less. Seventy-two percent
of the women were white, 14 % were African American, 10 % were Asian, two
1
Four interviews with women in their 20 s were conducted by an undergraduate research assistant who
worked on the project during the first year of data collection. The remaining 91 interviews were
conducted by the first author.
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women were Hispanic, two women were Middle Eastern, and one woman was biracial.
Interviews were audio recorded and either professionally transcribed or
transcribed by the interviewer. Transcripts were imported into Nvivo and then
analyzed for themes and patterns, using a grounded theory approach (Glaser and
Strauss 1967). After reading early transcripts several times, we developed a list of
themes or ‘‘nodes’’ to organize the data. As analysis continued, additional themes
emerged and were organized in Nvivo. Research assistants were trained by the first
author on data interpretation. Initially, the first author and the research assistants
coded data together. When the research assistants were sufficiently trained, they
worked independently. For the purpose of this paper, we examine data coded at the
theme ‘‘discussions of sexuality,’’ which contained the most references of any
theme. These data were analyzed and sorted through to develop subthemes and
establish various factors that promote or inhibit women’s discussions of sexuality.
Talking about Not Talking about Sex
Most of the women interviewed in this study did not talk about sex on a regular
basis.
Several confided that the interview was the first time they spoke openly about
their sexuality and some mentioned that they would never talk about it with anyone
else. As the interviewer, the first author noted that nervousness, embarrassment, and
anxious laughter characterized many of the interviews, especially when subjects
turned to more intimate topics like defining sexual satisfaction or recalling first
sexual experiences. Even though most women interviewed declared sex important in
their relationships and lives, few saw it as relevant for discussion with others. ‘‘It
just never really comes up. And to be honest I never really had the desire to bring it
up. I guess maybe I’m prudish in that way. Everybody’s got secrets,’’ stated 47 year
old Bonnie. ‘‘Maybe I never really felt comfortable talking about-and I’m thinking
about my friends-I don’t think anybody’s ever really brought anything up.’’
Bonnie’s comment ‘‘everybody’s got secrets’’ shows her performance of face-work.
It is not that she is not sexual or disinterested in sex, rather, her sex life is private
and talking about it would present a face that contrasts with the line she presents in
public.
Other women were okay with general discussions of sexuality and did not object
to listening to friends but had no interest in sharing their own experiences. Vanida,
22, explained, ‘‘I didn’t mind if people spoke about it, I just didn’t like it if it was
directed towards me. I’m very, very private and I find when I speak about it…I don’t
like talking about it. I don’t like anything that’s remotely even close to it….’’
Nia, age 29, was also open to listening to friends’ sexual adventures. Nia said,
‘‘[My friend] wouldn’t hesitate to come back and give me details… but she was
more comfortable with expressing herself to me about it than I was to her about it.
I’m still reserved. You just don’t talk about it.’’ Nia pondered the consequences of
never talking about sexuality in her family when growing up, stating, ‘‘Just that if
you don’t talk about it, you don’t know how to talk about it, so you don’t know how
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to show it or if you’re supposed to show it….’’ Many women suggested that sex is
private and not open for discussion because they were brought up to see it that way
and never learned any different later in life. Women who were not allowed or
encouraged to talk about sex when they were girls, failed to see sex as a normal,
natural part of growing up and lacked opportunities to become comfortable talking
about it in a safe environment (Schalet 2011).
Vanida, Nia, Bonnie, and most of the women interviewed for this study saw sex
as private because they had been raised in a culture where there is very little open
dialogue about sex for women—from parents, peers, or in social institutions like
school, throughout their lives (Fine 1988). Sex was everywhere in media for women
interviewed born after 1960, but nowhere interpersonally and so women lacked a
language to talk about it in a direct or personal way (Waskul et al. 2007).
‘‘I do [talk about sex], but rarely. I find it difficult. If someone else brings it up,
then I can joke around and share a thing or two. But I wouldn’t bring it up,’’ shared
Jane, age 38, a self-described late-bloomer. It is not that Jane does not want to
discuss it; rather, she feels uncomfortable addressing it because it makes her feel
awkward as she lacks experience and thus, in her mind, authority. Jane lacks the
language to talk about sex in a way that would make her feel comfortable. As a girl,
no one talked to her about sex and she never learned to feel comfortable with her
own sexuality. For her, there is no obvious way that she should talk about sex.
Gendered discourses are important not only in understanding how individuals talk
or do not talk, but in what they imply, the ‘‘system of meanings…that shape how we
experience, understand, and represent ourselves as men and women’’ (Cohn 1993,
p. 449). That Jane and women like her lack a language to speak about sex
contributes to their lack of sexual subjectivity and connection with their sexual
selves (Montemurro 2014). Furthermore, Jane and many other women interviewed,
noted that they did not mind the topic of sex, but would never bring it up on their
own. When women know that talking about sex is masculinized, they would disrupt
the social order of interaction and lose face if others were embarrassed or
uncomfortable with their conversation.
For most women, situational factors mediated the decision to talk or not talk
about sex.
We look at situations in which women felt encouraged to talk about sex, how
particular relationships or people inspired or inhibited discussion, and why women
seemed hesitant to talk about a topic that they defined as very important. First, we
describe the most frequently mentioned reason for avoiding sex talk—fear of
judgment. Then, we discuss women who did talk about sex and the ways they
discussed it as gendered discourse.
Fear of Judgment
Because individual women’s desire for sexual activity or sexual pleasure is rarely
discussed within society (Fine 1988; Muise 2011; Tolman 2002), women risk being
labeled as ‘‘sluts’’ if they talk about this topic too frequently or openly (Hamilton
and Armstrong 2009; Tanenbaum 2000). Most women interviewed noted a fine line
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between acceptable sharing and too much information. This fear was seen within all
age groups, though least often among older women (in their 50 and 60 s). For many
of these individuals, this fear of judgment started at a young age when other people
tried to control their sexuality. Many women never talked about sex with their
families because they knew it would be viewed negatively.
‘‘I guess there was the hiding of it more because I was doing something
[wrong],’’ said 40 year old Jennifer. After her parents divorced when she was a
teenager, Jennifer felt that she really had no one to talk to when she became curious
about changes in her body and developed feelings of romantic interest in boys. ‘‘My
parents would have looked down on me … or they would have been upset with me,’’
Jennifer further added. Throughout her youth, it was clear to Jennifer that sex was
not something to be discussed with her parents and thus she ‘‘hid it a lot and I
thought that—I didn’t talk about it, I didn’t, other than with [my partner] or
whatever, like no, I didn’t let anybody know that it was going on.’’ For Jennifer,
there was always a struggle between feeling sexual and trying to make sure her
parents were not disappointed in her.
Having to hide sexual experiences from their families was an issue that many
women mentioned during interviews and one that likely had consequences on
women’s ability to talk about sex as adults. Unlike the American boys, Dutch boys,
and Dutch girls Schalet (2011) interviewed who were expected to be sexual and
sometimes encouraged by their families to have open sexual relationships, girls like
Jennifer (and like the American teenaged girls Schalet interviewed) bifurcated their
identities—having a secret sexual life with boyfriends and asexual persona around
their families. Women and girls interviewed maintained two lines of selfpresentation, one for themselves (a person with sexual desire) and one for their
families (an innocent).
When girls feel they cannot even talk about sex with their parents or let them
know that they are involved in sexual relationships, the development of sexual
subjectivity is compromised. Sex remains something women are afraid to talk about
and thus feel conflicted about engaging in. Though they may feel physical desire
and peers may encourage sexual activity, they must reconcile these feelings with the
knowledge that they are being disobedient to their parents.
Hiding sexual experiences from families was common among women interviewed for this study and many women, particularly those born before 1960, also
hid sexual experiences from their peers. Consistent with the norms of the time
where sex was not even allowed to be hinted at on television (Douglas 1995), older
women not only knew they should not discuss sex, but lacked models of how to do
so. So, rather than comparing notes and sharing secrets with girlfriends, such
women were embarrassed and sometimes ashamed—whether they ‘‘made out’’ with
a boyfriend or did something more intimate—because they knew such behavior was
viewed poorly.
Goffman (1955) suggested that once someone presents a particular image or face,
they are more or less ‘‘stuck with it,’’ as others expect consistency in behavior. As
girls mature and transition from sexually unaware to sexually curious, they may
have difficulty changing their face with family and peers because their transition is
internal or psychological, rather than readily visible. Coupled with privacy about
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sex and gendered barriers for sexual expression for girls and women, girls and
women must thus engage in considerable face-work around the topic of sex.
‘‘You didn’t admit it because it was seen as negative. It was seen as trampy,’’
explained Leigh, age 65. Leigh did not want the line she presented as a ‘‘good girl’’
to be disconfirmed by knowledge that she had ‘‘fooled around’’ with boys.
Internalization of gendered discourses about sex is apparent in the stories of such
women who hid their sexuality. Sexually active girls—and girls who talked about
sex—were ‘‘bad girls.’’ Although most of the women interviewed for this study
desired sex, enjoyed sexual experiences, as Danielle, age 35 pronounced, ‘‘They’re
still not supposed to say anything, they’re not supposed to talk about it.’’ They
remained conflicted because they knew, as girls, they were not supposed to
acknowledge their feelings and as means of saving face. Since they avoided sex talk
as girls, honest, open conversation about sex was challenging even when they get
older. Almost all women interviewed for this study avoided sex talk as girls, and
most continued to do so as adults. Delia, age 60, elucidated, ‘‘I think a lot of women
still have problems with their own sexuality. They still feel embarrassed by it, that
it’s not proper, it’s not ladylike, that you don’t talk about it, you don’t do it.’’
Women know that their sexuality is judged and there are few appropriate ways to
show sexual desire, most of which are confined within heterosexual, monogamous
relationships.
Support for Other Women: Leading By Example
Some women, the clear minority, were comfortable talking about sex. Four women
said they liked discussing sex and frequently brought it up in conversation. ‘‘I have a
tendency to bring it out in people. I like to get people to talk about things because it
makes it more real. And I find the best way to get people to talk is by showing my
comfort in talking about things…. I like talking about sex but I tread very softly on
the subject because I know a lot of people aren’t comfortable about talking about
sex,’’ commented Autumn, 41, a woman who grew up in a liberal family in
California in the 1970 s. If it were up to her, Autumn would bring sexuality into
conversations more frequently. That she ‘‘treads softly’’ implies a feminine
approach to the topic—she enjoys it, but pursues it when she is sure that those
around her are comfortable. As much as she enjoys talking about and talks about sex
in certain social circles, she does not talk about it generally with ease.
Furthermore, Autumn’s decision to proceed with caution indicate her awareness
of and compliance with rules of interaction. Goffman (1955) noted that face-work is
not only about saving one’s own face, but also saving the face of others. If Autumn
brought up sex among people she knew were uncomfortable she would cause them
to lose face, which would reflect poorly on her and her interaction skills. People like
Autumn thus engage in avoidance rituals as a face-saving practice.
Few women brought up sex just to talk about sex. In most cases, women’s sex
talk was qualified as an expression of care or friendship. A handful of women
believed they could show other women that it is good to talk about sex or ‘‘lead by
example.’’ Women who led by example were willing to discuss sex frankly and
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believed their openness might make other women more comfortable about their
sexuality. ‘‘I’ve noticed if I talk to somebody about their sexuality [it] is often seen
as an opportunity for them and I bring it up all of the time. And mostly because I get
such a positive response because you realize that as long as people understand what
your motives are–and if you’re sharing in the conversation they’re just saying,
‘Wow, I never talk about this and I never get to talk about it in a way that makes me
feel comfortable.’’’ Adrianna, 38, declared. Another self-identified late-bloomer
who did not have sex until she was in her early twenties, Adrianna became
fascinated with sex once she started to have it. For her, the subject is captivating and
she likes drawing others into her verbal exploration of it. Although (and perhaps
because) she has had a complicated personal journey with her sexuality that
culminated in a year of celibacy, Adrianna does not shy away from direct discussion
of sex, what it means, how it is socially regarded, personal turn-ons, and ways to
enhance sexual pleasure. She has found that such discussion generally elicits
positive reactions from others who welcomed the opportunity for such conversation,
as if they were waiting for someone to tell them it was okay to talk about sex. When
women lead by example, they provide avenues for shier women to broach the topic
of sex, which may enhance their understanding of their sexuality and even their
sexual subjectivity (Waskul et al. 2007).
Kara, age 26, was another woman who believed in leading by example. ‘‘I don’t
even know that it’s expressing my sexuality or trying to make other people feel
comfortable with their sexuality—by using myself, putting myself out there and
being like ‘It’s okay’ and ‘I do it, too,’’’ Kara said. As a result of growing up with
supportive feminist parents who encouraged sexual discussion, Kara developed a
positive sexual self-image and talked about sex comfortably throughout her life.
Growing up in Kara’s household, sexual development and curiosity were normal
and she recognizes the benefits this has given her in her own sexual experiences. ‘‘I
almost feel like in that sense I’m some sort of, I don’t know, trying to make people
feel comfortable about it,’’ she explained. Her motivations were feminist and also
feminine, she wanted women to feel good about their bodies, entitled to desire, but
her goal was to understand, empower, and encourage.
With the exception of Adrianna, the women who liked to talk about sex described
conversations about the importance of desire, entitlement to sexual pleasure, more
so than explicit talk about sexual behavior. Murnen (2000) noted how women’s talk
about sex is quite different than men’s. She wrote, ‘‘[The] language men and women
use to talk about sexuality reflects (and perhaps reproduces) male control and female
subordination with respect to sexuality… Language might be a way in which men
express power over women (pp., 319–320).’’ Women who led by example wanted
other women to feel comfortable talking about sex, but, their talk was generally
tentative and shaped by their audience rather than being an expression of sexual
subjectivity. Unlike men who are expected to talk graphically and in a manner that
depicts dominance and heteronormativity, as documented in research on men and
masculinity (Connell 1995; Curry 1991; Knight et al. 2012; Nylund 2007; Pascoe
2007; Quinn 2002), even women who felt like sexual subjects did not always talk
like sexual subjects.
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Lending an Ear: Focused Conversations, Problem Talk, and Confirmation
of Normalcy
Although few women were as comfortable talking about sex as the women quoted
above, more were open to talking about sex as a means of supporting a friend or
seeking validation. Such women talked about sex in feminine ways: sharing,
helping, or bonding. ‘‘If someone shares with me something that I know is really
deep and personal for them and almost painful to talk about, I’m gonna be
compassionate and listen to them and I’ll pray with them. If I have something to add
to it, then I will… so that maybe at another time, another place …I would trust them
because they were able to trust me,’’ confided Tammy, a religious 45 year old
woman. Being open to friends’ sexual or relationship problems was a sign of loyalty
and also strengthened Tammy’s friendships and made her consider sharing problems
she may have in the future with such trusted companions.
Dominant gender discourses paint women’s communication as emotional,
expressive, and communal, and show desire for attachment rather than autonomy
(Gilligan 1982). Studies of gender difference in conversation style show that girls
exhibit pro-social dominance while boys display egoistic dominance (Maccoby
1998). In other words, girls recognize and validate one another’s feelings and share
with one another, taking turns in discussions. So, American women may learn the
importance of supporting a friend in conversation, particularly if the friend is having
a problem or coming to them for advice. This desire to be supportive, a feminine
trait, may eclipse or mediate personal discomfort with the masculine topic of sex.
Although Tammy is not particularly comfortable talking about sex, she expressed a
desire to be compassionate to her friends. In other words, talking about sex as a way
of supporting a friend is a way of complying with normative gender behavior and
gender discourses, such motivation minimizes stigma that might accompany general
talk about sex.
‘‘I think the pressure is … that you’re abnormal if you’re not having sex all the
time and you’re—and if you have sex twice a week that’s like, ‘That’s it?’ I think I
feel those kinds of attitudes where it’s like, ‘Is there something wrong with me?’
And then I’ll talk to friends and they affirm me and confirm that I am not
abnormal—that this really is—this is the way it is. They have the same issues I do,’’
Naomi, 39, shared. Like Naomi, several women interviewed were more inclined to
talk about sex when they wanted to assess the normality of their sex lives and
relationships. Even some who felt uncomfortable talking about sex and seldom did
so would occasionally raise the subject if they wanted to check their own sexual
behavior in comparison with peers. Women had these types of talks to reassure
themselves about norms of frequency of intercourse among friends.
As a busy full-time working mother of two young children, Naomi felt perplexed
about summoning energy for sex at the end of the day or fitting it into her
overcrowded schedule. Based on television images and magazine headlines she read
in the check-out aisle of the grocery store she felt like she was not living up to
expectations for marital frequency of intercourse. Talking to her friends helped
Naomi put these images in perspective and made her feel better about the challenges
she faces maintaining intimacy with her husband. Talking about sex in this way,
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with close friends, allows women to do gender in socially appropriate ways. Friends
provide emotional support and such sharing may actually enhance relationships.
Disclosing secrets strengthens ties as it provides a demonstration of trust.
Furthermore, Naomi’s concern that she is having less sex than she should is also
relevant. Had she been concerned about her husband not pursuing her or that she
wanted to have more sex, she might not have sought counsel from friends because
such behavior might make her appear less feminine. Several women who felt more
interested in sex than their spouses and whose marriage ultimately fell apart
confided that they did not talk to friends when they were having the problems
because they felt like something was wrong with them as this behavior violated
gender norms.
Common Ground
We found that women were discerning in not only what they talked about when it
came to sex, but who they chose to talk with. Many women were more comfortable
discussing sexuality if they felt they had a common experience with a friend or
family member. Common ground included similar relationship statuses, known or
perceived sexual experience level, and demographic factors like age and generation.
Common ground allowed for awareness of the possession of similar values which
mediated fear or judgment or being seen as unfeminine.
Women were more likely to talk about sex with women friends who they went
through puberty with or friends they knew at the time of early sexual experimentation and learning. Such women generally knew each other’s sexual activity level,
as they were more likely to have confided in such friends at the time it was
happening (Lefkowitz et al. 2004). These women, mostly women in their twenties
and thirties, met each other at a time when their sexuality was part of their identity
and so there was no concern with losing face in discussions of sex.
‘‘My old friends, we can talk,’’ Paula, 53, noted. ‘‘Newer friends, no. It’s a little
more taboo, I guess, because you don’t really know. I think because my high school
friends and college friends, we went through the dating stuff together so we kind of
know the husbands and we know the players.’’ For Paula, there was no fear of being
labeled as too sexual among her old friends. ‘‘I do have a lot of friends from high
school that we get together once in a while, and a lot of friends that when I was
dating, when we were all dating. We can talk pretty openly,’’ she elaborated. Given
the desexualization of women as they age, marry, and become mothers (Montemurro and Siefken 2012; Dempsey and Reichert 2000), older or married women
may feel hesitant to reveal their sexual interests or concerns because they sense that
women of their status are not supposed to desire sex or show it. A number of women
bristled at the mention of talking about sex with friends or family as if it was an
offensive topic. Sexual selves appear to be private selves, particularly for older
women and the women interviewed here seemed intent on maintaining a
desxualized self-presentation, even when sexuality was deeply important to them.
Lacking common ground often inhibited discussion of sexuality. Women only
felt comfortable when they believed other people could relate to their situations and
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understand what they were going through. Virtually none of the women talked about
sex with men other than their partners. And several women said they never even felt
comfortable talking about sex with their partners—communicating what they liked
sexually or asking for sexual satisfaction because they did not feel it was their right
or because they did not know how.
‘‘I’ll tell you what I’m bad at, verbal communication… Like sex, what you enjoy
and stuff like that,’’ confessed Robin, 48 years old. Even though her husband
encourages her to tell him what she wants, she feels at a loss as to how to do so.
‘‘‘Like what do you want me to say?’ You know? [laughter] I wish I could come up
with what he wants to hear.’’ Raised Catholic in a home where discussion about sex
was forbidden and where girls who had sex outside of marriage were ‘‘bad girls,’’
Robin never felt comfortable with her sexuality, nor acted like a subject in sexual
encounters. Talking about sex made her uneasy, visibly so throughout her interview.
For most women, age played a major role in whether or not they discussed their
sexuality with others. Some women assumed that younger women would not be able
to relate to them given lack of comparable experiences. This often came up when
women talked about speaking about sex with women family members. ‘‘Oh, God,
no, it was too much of an age difference then!’’ Connie, 64, exclaimed when asked
if she discussed sex with her older sister when they were girls. ‘‘And [my sister] got
married just when I was like about 11, 12-years-old and moved out of the house.
Now we’re close, now we can talk about a whole bunch of things. But it’s funny …
when you’re 11 and somebody else is 22, it’s like a lifetime, but when you’re 64 and
she’s 75 it’s like oh, God, we’re contemporaries.’’ Aging generally enhances sexual
subjectivity (Montemurro 2014) and so it may be that Connie’s increased comfort
talking about sex with her sister is both the product of having shared similar
experiences and also of both of their increased sexual self-assurance.
Women also took into consideration sexual activity levels of friends not just in
the early years, but when they were older, too. ‘‘… most of my friends are older so I
feel badly for some people whose age or health issues I know have compromised
[their sexuality] in one way or another,’’ remarked Jeanne. Because some friends
may not be able to physically have sex anymore, at age 66, Jeanne recognizes it as a
sensitive topic and felt it would be selfish of her to bring it up around them as they
might be embarrassed by involuntary celibacy. For Jeanne, not talking about sex
with some friends is motivated by her feelings of care for her friends and sensitivity
to their situations.
Shirley, 56 at the time of her interview and in a new relationship where she is
greatly enjoying sex for the first time in her life, made similar comments when
talking about discussing sexuality with her sister. ‘‘[H]er husband doesn’t—he’s
afraid he’s going to have a heart attack and he’s not really sexually active with her
so she’s kind of frustrated. So just the fact that I am having sex is, ‘Ok that was
enough information’ for her. And it didn’t make her feel that good so I don’t really
talk about it that much,’’ Shirley shared. Shirley’s sister rebuffed her attempts to talk
about what Shirley discovered about sex in her fifties. The fact that Shirley and her
sister are in vastly different stages of sexual activity in their relationships, inhibits
discussion of sex between them. Although Shirley is gleeful about this new
experience and eager to share what she has learned from a partner interested in her
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sexual gratification, she does not because she considers her sister’s feelings. In this
case, not talking about sex is a way of doing gendered face-work. She avoids a topic
that she knows would make her sister lose face. Shirley and Jeanne demonstrate
their empathy for others by employing avoidance tactics.
Level of Intimacy within Sexual Relationships
When it comes to talking about sexual relationships, girls and women often have
and are expected to have much to say, more so than boys or men. In fact, we need to
emphasize that the women interviewed for this study had much to say about sexual
affiliations. Women often told detailed stories about how they felt during those
experiences, similar to other studies that have looked at narratives of sexuality (e.g.,
Martin 1996; Tolman 2002). This stands as another reason why women may talk
about sex less—when women focus on sexual relationships rather than sexual
activity and see sex as means to securing relationships or a demonstration of love
(e.g., Bogle 2008; Chambers et al. 2004; Martin 1996; Tolman 2002), they may
simply have less to say about sexual behavior. For them, the physical sex may not
be the pivotal or germane part of the story. And, talk about sexual relationships is
compliant with norms of femininity. Though girls and women often lack the
language to talk about sex, they have many tools for talking about romance and
relationships.
Some women noted that their comfort regarding discussions of sexuality changed
depending on the level of intimacy within their current sexual relationships. The
way women talked about sex when single was different from how they approached
it when in committed relationships. As relationships became more serious, the
likelihood of discussing sexuality began to decrease. ‘‘I tend to have friends who
[I’d talk about anything with]. I mean not now. It’s funny. Not as married people.
None of us talk about that now,’’ explained Kelly, 35, when asked if she discussed
sexuality with her friends. Although Kelly and her friends used to ‘‘talk about
anything,’’ and during college and post-college days shared details on sexual
encounters, now that they are married sexuality is private. ‘‘I complain to my
girlfriends now about sex—like, ‘I’m not getting it blah, blah, blah.’ … but I don’t
relive actual events in the same way. Because I think I’m married to someone that I
have this relationship that it’s his business, too. Whereas if I was having casual
encounters or with a boyfriend who seemed temporary, I wouldn’t feel so bad about
spilling the beans to a friend,’’ elaborated Kelly. Being married involves a level of
trust that is not present within casual sexual hook-ups. When women commit to a
partner relationships form and the feelings of partners began to be considered more
seriously.
‘‘I think that there’s a place where my sex life involved somebody very specific,
so not wanting to kind of betray his trust. I don’t talk in specifics about my sex life
because … it’s like you didn’t ask me to out you on this, so I keep that private,’’
Georgia, a married 52 year old woman, revealed. Like Kelly, Georgia felt she was
letting her partner down if she were to talk about their sex life. Keeping their sex
lives secret showed that they had respect for their partners’ wishes. Women in long-
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term relationships felt that discussing their sexuality with others would be
disregarding their partners’ feelings.
Also, when people enter relationships, they not only maintain personal lines of
self-presentation, but also a face or line as a team (Goffman 1959). The couple gives
and gives off an impression distinct from that of the individual parties in the
relationship. Even when not in one other’s presence, they have a vested interest in
maintaining their joint line (Goffman 1959). As sexuality is generally a back-stage
element of self, members of couples are entrusted to keep one another’s sexual
proclivities private. Georgia and Kelly’s comments, similar to those of other women
in the study, indicate their perception of their relationship as a team, one in which
they show respect for their partners by not betraying their privacy. Goffman wrote,
‘‘teammates, in proportion to the frequency with which they act as a team and the
number of matters and the number of matters that fall within impressional
protectiveness, tend to be bound by rights of what might be called ‘familiarity’’’
(1955, p. 83). The looser the bond in a relationship, the less invested women are in
maintaining this line and the more free they feel to talk about sex, because a line has
not been strongly developed—they do not feel like or define themselves as a team.
Once it was determined that a relationship was serious, discussions of sexuality
lessened in frequency and detail. In these examples, we see women’s sexuality as
contingent on relationships. Women did not imagine or view their sexuality as their
own or personal; rather, they focused on it as an aspect of a relationship.
Discussion
Most women interviewed in this study were not comfortable talking about sex,
particularly their own sexual activity or sexual feelings. Several factors inhibited
women’s discussion of sexuality: fear of judgment, level of intimacy in sexual
relationships, concern with feelings of others and the desire to save both one’s own
and others’ face, as well as a lack of common ground. The desire to avoid
discussions of sexuality is partly the result of how girls’ sexuality is dealt with in the
United States and the gendered discourses that surround sex talk. When sexuality is
viewed as crisis within the United States, girls fail to become comfortable talking
about it because they realize it is a source of tension and conflict in families (Schalet
2011).
Furthermore, girls and women are well aware that their sexual behavior is
constantly under surveillance. To remain free from negative consequences, girls
who do not talk about sex become women with private sex lives, complicit with
emphasized femininity. This prevents others from knowing specifics of sexual
experiences so they are safe from judgment, but also discourages women from
seeking support or asking questions when they have problems. Sex talk is classified
as masculine and thus taboo or inappropriate for women (Curry 1991; Nylund
2007), indicative of sexual double standards. When women are dissuaded from even
talking about sex, showing interest in sex or communicating desire becomes riskier
and this fear of judgment functions as a social control. This not only stifles women’s
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sexual expression, but also suppresses sexual subjectivity. The right to be sexual
remains the domain of men.
Armstrong et al. (2012) suggested that a new sexual double standard makes
sexual pleasure a right of men but not women in casual hookups. We take this claim
further. Our research suggests that women do not feel entitled to talk about sex
because they would be doing gender incorrectly, acting masculine, and thus subject
to discipline and judgment. Sexual discourse is gendered discourse. Thus,
conversations among women by women about sex are never just conversations
about sex, they are discourses of femininity–failed, achieved, defied.
Most women interviewed for this study only felt comfortable talking about sex
when they could frame the conversation in a feminine way—as supporting a friend,
lending an ear, or as a way of encouraging other women to be more comfortable
with their own sexuality. In most cases, women’s avoidance of sex as a topic of
discussion has more to do with their compliance with femininity, their internalization of gendered discourses of desire, and their awareness of the potential of
being labeled as masculine and deviant, than it does with their lack of sexual desire
or lack of interest in sexual pleasure. Furthermore, norms of social interaction
dictate the general avoidance of embarrassing others and concern with presenting a
consistent line or ‘‘face’’ (Goffman 1955).
Women who were less comfortable talking about sex suppressed their discomfort
when friends needed support. Talking about sex is not just talking about sex for
women who trusted friends or other people with whom they found common ground,
this became a way to share and demonstrate care or concern for other women and
also to comply with emphasized femininity. In this way, women exhibited prosocial interaction styles (Maccoby 1998), when they reached out with empathy to
friends about a private topic. Women were able to follow dominant gender norms
for feminine interaction which may have minimized the judgment associated with
the content of the conversation. Context mattered. Even some women who regularly
avoided sex talk did so when they had problems or with people who had come of
age around the same time who they knew had comparable sexual activity levels.
Sex is expected to be a partnered activity and most of the women interviewed for
this study struggled with defining sexuality independent of relationships. Women’s
reluctance to talk about sex is not just about their fear of judgment or respect for
partners as members of a performance team (Goffman 1959). It is also very much
about sexual scripts that position women’s sexuality as other-oriented and receptive,
rather than independently meaningful. In American society, a relational imperative
influences women’s sexual interaction (Hamilton and Armstrong 2009). Women’s
lack of interest in discussing sexuality in general and particularly when in
committed relationships shows the strength of this relationship imperative. Women
failed to conceive of their own personal sexuality as a topic of discussion,
independent of their sexuality in relation to a partner.
Future research should explore men’s discussion of sex, their level of comfort,
and the reasons why and when they talk about sexuality. If proscribed gender
discourse influences the way women talk about sex, it is likely to do so for men as
well, privileging certain types of conversation, that which supports hegemonic
masculinity, heteronormativity (Logan 2010), and the objectification of women.
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Though men may have greater license to talk about sex, rigid gender norms for
appropriate discourse may result in talk that is surface or inauthentic and which
encourages them to use talk as a way of proving manliness (Pascoe 2007). Whether
marriage or seriousness of relationship influences men’s discussion of sexuality also
merits investigation.
Acknowledgments The authors would like to acknowledge the support of the Penn State Abington
Career Development Professorship, as well as the Rubin Fund, which provided funding for data collection
and analysis expenses.
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