Concept of Communication for effective
understanding
What you will need:
• The Information module from the SCREAM Pack supplement.
• A whiteboard/blackboard or something to write on at the front.
• Pens and paper for your groups to make notes.
Recommended Timeframe:
One session of about 1,5 hours or two sessions (one of 45minutes and one of 30
minutes). You can expand with 15-30 minutes when incorporating the activities at the
information section on learning the difference between observations and interpretations.
The aim of this module:
To have tools to support communication for effective understanding, i.e. the 4 steps.
The gain:
To help participants to consider the words or actions they use when communicating. To
encourage the use of a language that is free of blame, shame and guilt. To invite
participants to think about how their words and actions can help them to understand
what is going on for the other or for themselves.
Concept of Communication for effective understanding- Activity
Summary
Preparation
•
Prepare yourself by reading the information section on Communication for
effective understanding inserted in this module after page 92 which will help you
to facilitate the discussions.
Activity
•
Arrange the group into a circular formation for a lively, interactive presentation
and discussion on Communication for effective understanding and how it is
relevant for meaningful child participation.
Interactive presentation and exchange Topic 1. What is Communication for effective
understanding and the 4 steps tool?
•
Share knowledge you have and facilitate the discussion.
Activity Topic 2. Child participation – connecting and understanding through listening for
feelings and needs
Plan important points you want to raise
1. What are the advantages of mentioning facts or describing behaviour
over expressing your judgment or opinion?
2. With all action we take we are trying to meet a need
3. Feelings are messengers of met or unmet needs
4. Needs are universal; we all have similar needs.
5. We all want to be heard and understood.
Final note
•
End the interactive presentation, exchange and activities on a positive tone;
there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way, we are all trying to do our best.
Basic Information Communication for Effective
Understanding – Activity Script
Getting Started
In this activity we start with an interactive presentation – with lively participation of the
group through questions and activities. Just as in the Basic Information module of the
SCREAM pack, in which the issue of Child Labour is introduced and discussed, this
activity is about the young people in your group sharing their understanding of
Communication for Effective Understanding.
Your role as the facilitator is divers. At one hand you are there to explain and transfer
information and knowledge on the concept of Communication for effective
understanding. At the other hand you are inviting participants to experience what you
share through questions or activities. You will chair the discussion, steering its course
but providing minimal input yourself. This is not a lecture; it is an interactive
presentation with time for exchange. Your role is bring the concept across, how listening
for feelings and needs can create better understanding and therefore more meaningful
child participation. It is about letting your group experience the power of words and how
encouraging it can be to be listened to without judgments.
If there are tables and chairs in the way, move them aside. The best way to have a
discussion is to sit around in a circle, where everyone can see each other’s faces and
hear each other’s voices. You can situate yourself in the circle, the same as everybody
else. You might want to have a flipchart prepared with the 4 steps.
Elect a volunteer or two from the group to act as “rapporteurs” who will keep track of
the discussion points either on the board or on paper as the discussion progresses. With
this you can return to the most important points later.
Interactive
presentation
and
exchange
Topic
1.
What
is
Communication for Effective Understanding and the four steps tool?
(45 minutes approximately)
The objective of this first part is to get the group thinking about the words we use and
the impact they might have on ourselves and on others. You will want to read through
the Information Section and be sure to be informed yourself before facilitating the
session.
This is an information sharing exercise, so be patient with your group and allow them to
bounce comments and ideas off of each other. At the back of your mind you can remind
yourself that the key parts that need to be understood are: 1) the intention of this
concept of communication is to understand each other and 2) the 4 steps tool that helps
you to express.
What do we mean with Communication for effective understanding?
The concept of Communication for effective understanding contains nothing new; all that
has been integrated in the concept has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind
us about what we already know.
Communication for effective understanding aims at understanding the other or oneself;
there is no need to agree with what the other one is saying or thinking; I would just like
to fully understand where they are coming from. It uses a language that is free of guilt,
shame and blame. A 4 steps tool has been developed to help us express ourselves
honestly and to hear the message others (are trying to) put across.
The 4 steps model:
1) Observation
2) Feeling
3) Need
4) Request
We will be looking at each step into more detail. Those steps do not need to be used in
this specific order, nor is it always necessary to use them all. We invite you to look at
the different steps and think for yourself how using these can improve on understanding
each other or yourself. Step 3 will be explained before step 2 for reasons of clarity.
Step 1: Observation
What do we mean with observation?
Observation means: what we hear, what we see and what we touch – we refer to facts.
As if you are recording the situation with a camera. What I see or describe is similar to
what you see or describe.
Activity to illustrate the difference between facts (or observations) and
interpretation (or opinion, judgment) – 10 minutes
Ask for a volunteer. Place the volunteer in a chair; softly (so the others don’t hear this)
ask him or her to look downwards and to hold their head with one hand while the elbow
of that arm is leaning on their knees. Ask the group what they see and to describe the
facts (an observation) – not their interpretation. You are likely to hear responses as
“(s)he thinks, is sad, is tired, has a headache” etc. All these are interpretations. The
factual observation is that you see someone sitting with their head bend, holding their
head with one hand and wearing (you could describe their cloths) for example green
trousers and a white shirt.
At the back of the package you find 4 activities that you can use to learn the difference
between describing facts and giving your interpretation and to practice making
observations free of interpretations. Choose the one that you think works best and feel
free to do as many as you think the group needs to understand the concept.
An observation describes facts: what I hear, what I see or what I feel when touching. It
is different from interpretations or judgments or interpretations. We will spend another
session on the difference between the two. For now you can give some examples to
highlight the difference
Examples of interpretation/judgments:
Streetchildren are bad; It’s your own fault that you are HIV positive; She is lazy; He is
stubborn; They are always fighting; you can’t trust them …….
From interpretation to observation:
“Streetchildren are bad people” (interpretation)
can become
“This morning I saw James taking a chapatti from a stall and running away”
(observation, stating facts only, describing the action or behaviour)
Step 3: Needs are universal and identifiable
Needs refer to what sustains us physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually.
Needs motivate action. Human beings share basic survival needs that include: air,
water, food, rest and safety. In addition to these basics, we also all need love, learning,
friends, fun, and some degree of autonomy. Since people everywhere have the same
needs, it is possible to understand what motivates people, even when life-styles, beliefs,
and languages are very different, and even when we disagree with their actions.
Activity understanding needs (5 minutes)
Together make a list of universal needs that you and all people have (for ideas you can
refer to the needs list in the information section).
We are always trying to meet a need
When we see a child bagging on the street, they are probably meeting their need for
food (which they can buy with the money they get).
When we see our neighbour taking care of his mother, he is probably meeting his need
for care, attention and contributing to other people’s lives.
When a student spends long hours studying, we can guess she is meeting her need for
learning.
When we speak to a friend to tell her about something that worries us, we might be
trying to meet needs for empathy and understanding.
In fact, whatever we do, it is an attempt to meet one or more of our human needs.
Activity thinking in terms of needs (5 minutes):
(Give everyone a card on which they answer the following questions.
When filled out they place them on the wall. Invite a volunteer to read
out one or two cards, depending on time and understanding, for
discussion)
Invite the participants to think of something they did this morning.
What need were you trying to meet?
Can you think of other needs you were meeting?
Step 2: Feelings are helpful messengers of met and unmet needs
Our feelings are important messengers, telling us when our needs are fulfilled and when
they are not. Pleasurable feelings such as happy, satisfied, and joyful give us the
message that our needs are being met; for example I’m feeling confident to do this task
because my needs for support and understanding are being met. Painful feelings like
sad, upset, and frustrated give us the message that our needs are not being met; for
example I’m feeling scared and nervous to do this task, because my needs for support
and understanding are not being met. When we pay attention to our feelings and listen
to their messages, we get important clues about what we could do to meet our own
needs. Asking, guessing or checking the feelings of other people and listen to the
messages they give, can give us important clues about what they value and what they
need.
Example:
Are you worried (feeling) and would you like to talk about it (need)?
Are you scared and would you like some comfort?
Activity (optional) understanding the link between feelings and needs (5
minutes):
Think of a time when you as a child felt very satisfied.
What need was being met?
Think of a time when you as a child felt frustrated or disappointed.
What need was not met?
Step 4: Requests
When we have a strategy in mind for meeting a need, we can ask for help from others to
meet the need. By making requests we provide opportunities for others to give to us.
Similarly, the requests of others provide us with the opportunity to give to them. A
request is a question and that means that I am willing to hear a ‘no’; this in contrast to
demands where I am not willing to hear a ‘no’. Demands can trigger fear, guilt,
obligation or shame, rather than a genuine desire to give joyfully.
Activity Topic 2. Child participation – listening for feelings and needs
(30 minutes)
When discussing topics as HIV/AIDS and Child labour we can notice that most of us
think in judgments or label behaviour i.e. you’re rude; she is lazy; they are dangerous;
he never listens, I’m too sensitive. Labelling people can be very static, while we are all
living, growing ad changing persons. However, it has become so habitual in our
language that you might not notice when you or others are doing it.
In this module we aim at becoming more aware of the labels we use and whether they
are helpful or not. When discussing topics, trying to understand what is going on for the
other person might shine more light on a situation then interpreting and thinking that
we understand what they mean. What can help in order to communicate for effective
understanding is when we focus on feelings and needs. We don’t need to agree with
what the other person says, we are just trying to understand without trying to change
the situation or to give our opinion.
If we start listening and confirming that we have heard the other person it gives a better
chance for cooperation and finding solutions. Instead of saying – I understand you, in
you express what you have understood and check if that is accurate for the other person
by asking – Are you sad because you’d like to be part of the group? or Are you angry
because you would like to make your own choice right now?
We all want to be heard and understood. If we can express to the other what we have
heard them say and pose it as a question, it can give them the confirmation that we
have heard them and at the same time leave the space for correction in case we have
misunderstood – hence posing it as a question.
Once we have understood what is going on for the other we know what to offer; would
they need advice, solutions, a hug, some explanation and information or has the
listening fulfilled their need.
Often in conversations you hear us jumping in with our conclusions and we might be
offering advice or solutions or start sharing our own stories, where actually the other
person might need something else. By reflecting feelings and or needs of what we have
heard the other say, we check that what we are understanding is what is going on and
based on that decide what next step to take. In this way, children get a change to
express themselves fully and participate in a meaningful way.
An example (don’t read what is written in italics, those remarks are there to explain):
Adult: When we did this activity I noticed that you did not participate in the discussion
(observation) I’m curious (expressing my feeling) and would like to understand what
your thoughts are about this topic (expressing my need). Would you be willing to share
them with me? (request)
Child: I think this whole thing is a load of rubbish!
A: Are you frustrated about the way we do it and would you like it to be done in a
different way?
C: People will see me as a bad person anyway, whether I participate or not.
A: Are you scared that whatever you’re contributing, others will not really listen and
have drawn there own conclusions already?
C: yeah, they are not interested.
A: So are you saying that you would like to be reassured that when I or others ask you
to share something, that I am really interested in what you want to say?
C: aha
A: and just really listen to you rather then jumping to my own conclusions?
C: aha
A: If I now say to you that that is what I would like – hearing from you and
understanding how things are for you without mixing it with my htoughts, would that be
enough for you?
C: yeah
A: Ok, thank you for sharing this already! Would you now want to share some thoughts
with me on the topic of this morning?
Listening for feelings and needs can create a connection between individuals where we
are willing to share what is alive in us. It might feel like a lengthy process – however,
what would you like more? To have a quick conversation that does not reveal what is
alive in the other or to take the conscious effort to try and understand what is going on
for the other. In the end, one process does not need to be longer or shorter then the
other; as you probably have experienced, the shortcut often leads to more discussions
because of misunderstanding of one another.
Another example (don’t read out loud what is between brackets):
C: I’m scared that I’ll get AIDS now that I’ve tested HIV positive
A: Would you like to get more information on how HIV develops into AIDS? (checking if
there is a need for knowledge)
C: I know I’ll get AIDS anyway and I’ll die; that’s what happened to my mum too.
A: Are you worried that you might follow the same route as your mum did?
C: yeah, and just like my uncle
A: They both tested positive and developed AIDS?
C: yes, and now I’m here, everything is useless, because I will die anyway.
A: Are you finding it hard to do anything because you don’t think you’ll have a future?
C: aha
A: And thinking that you might die, makes you scared?
C: ……(remains silent)
A: and hopeless maybe?
C: aha.
A: Would you like us to think about your situation and look at the facts on how HIV turns
into AIDS to get an idea of your future changes? (checking again through request if child
is interested to get knowledge)
This conversation can go various ways. Imagine the child agrees to look at their
situation and how vulnerable they are – the changes that s/he truly looks at the
information and believes it are much higher than if we had given our information right at
the beginning as a response to the opening remark “I’m scared that I’ll get AIDS now
that I’m HIV positive”. You might have been tempted to say something reassuring like:
well, you are in good condition, and you are taking you medication so changes that
you’ll get AIDS are not very high. Or you might have said: “Don’t be silly, there is no
reason to be scared, with the medication people have lived their lives to their full length,
there is no reason why it would be different for you”. Or you might have asked some
questions to get clarification for yourself: “Why do you think this?” “Who has been telling
this to you?”
Can you see the value of first understanding before coming up with solutions, advice,
information, comfort or firing off more questions? Reflecting feelings and needs can be
key to Communication for Effective Understanding; we all want to be heard and
understood!
Activity practicing reflecting feelings and needs – understanding one another
(15 minutes)
Split the group in pairs. One person starts with a statement related to HIV/AIDS or child
labour; this might be something they think or feel. Make sure people choose a situation
that is real and alive for them. The other person tries to respond by confirming what
they think they’ve heard the other say.
Ask pairs to share how it is to be listened to in this way or to listen in this way (few
minutes). Then invite pairs to swap their roles so that both have an opportunity to
practice listening for feelings and needs and to experience how it is to be listened to.
Tip: as facilitator you might want to role play an example demonstrating first the ‘usual’
way of communicating and then the same scenario but when reflecting feelings and
needs, i.e. using communication for effective understanding.