It’s Okay to Grieve…
Transitioning for the
Significant Other, Grieving a
Cis-Transgender
Relationship
Cindy Crossley
Dr. Nadine Garner
Dr. Jason Baker
Introduction
“The person that I would most talk to
about my distress is the one causing
my distress. It’s just one of those
surprises in life. You don’t expect
stuff to happen as it does. There’s
been a lot of grief and loss. It’s like
[the kids’] dad has died and nobody
knows it. Nobody knows that my
husband has died or that their dad
has died. You’re grieving silently.”
- Katie
“I was very much in love with my husband, and I will always miss being
married to that person. The thing that helped me around it a little bit was
realizing I was never married to him, I was married to somebody who
looked like him and who I could project all that himness onto, but when I go
back and look at our wedding photos, it’s like, ‘She was making such a
valiant effort to look like a man, like a groom.’ I never married a guy, I
married a woman.” - Helen
Introduction
“Well, it has been a mishmash of extreme
ups and downs. You don’t go through the
past few years, watching your husband
transform into a woman, without taking a
hit. Nothing up until now in my life had
prepared me for what I went through. The
stress and enormity of the transition took
a toll on me. I was distracted and
exhausted. I was grieving. I was adapting.
I was grappling with my own loss of
identity….It was all part of the process.
With everything in my world changing, it
would have been foolish to think that it
was going to be easy. It wasn’t easy at all.
It was hard. And anything worth doing is
hard. My marriage is worth doing. My
husband, now my wife, is worth doing.
And I’d do it all over again if I had to. How
am I doing now? A lot better.” - Mary
Shock and Denial
Numbness and shock insulate the person from emotional overload
Pain and Guilt
Shock yields to intense suffering, feelings of chaos, and being out of control
Anger and Bargaining
Pent up emotions erupt, which may include blaming and bargaining to gain a
sense of control
Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
Extended sad reflection is important for the brain to acknowledge the loss
and forge a new way to move forward
Upward Turn
Adjusting to a new life situation allows for greater calm and organization
Reconstruction and Working Through
Functional solutions to problems are easier to create with renewed mental vigor
Acceptance and Hope
Acknowledging a new reality allows for living in the present and looking ahead
Research
Emerging Research, Injustice Issues
• Grant et al. (2011)
•
Surveyed 6,450 transgender and gender non-conforming participants, 50
states +
• Extreme poverty - nearly four times more likely to have a
household income of less than $10,000/year compared to the
general population.
• 41% of respondents reported attempting suicide compared to 1.6%
of the general population
• K-12 reported alarming rates of harassment (78%), physical assault
(35%) and sexual violence (12%); harassment was so severe that it
led almost one-sixth (15%) to leave a school in K-12 settings or in
higher education
• Blumer et al. (2012)
•
•
Initial focus of counseling and psychological interventions alleviating
discomfort and incongruence
Focus increasingly on addressing relational, family and communication
issues to address optimal functioning of transperson
Research
Injured Attachment
• Chapman & Caldwell (2012)
• to describe any incident where an individual’s partner is
perceived to be inaccessible or unresponsive in a critical
moment, especially when attachment needs are particularly
salient. This is significant because it results in a tear in the fabric
of, or disconnection in, the attachment bond creating negative
interactional cycles that perpetuate relational distress (Johnson
et.al., 2001, p. 56).
• Focus on TI (transidentification process) as visible and public
remaking of oneself physically and socially
• Attachment injury is real-time and ongoing
• TI partner provides source of and resolution of attachment pain
Research
• Lev (2005)
• Life-cycle transition theory of TI
• Discovery/Disclosure – marital tension,
shock/betrayal
• Turmoil – shutting down/exploding in anger,
conflict heightened
• Negotiation – family begins to cope and process,
level of change allowable, boundaries, etc.
• Balance/Acceptance – family ready to integrate
TI partner back into family system
A Gestalt Psychology Experience:
SO’s Name:
Resent
Demand
Appreciate
•Embracing the “AND”
cindy@significantotherpa.org
www.SignificantOtherPA.org
Millersville University Center for
Sustainability
Facebook Page:
Center for Sustainability – Millersville
University
References
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Blumer, M. L. C., Green, M. S., Knowles, S. J., & Williams, A. (2012, June). Shedding light on thirteen years of darkness: Content analysis of
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Buxton, A. P. (2006). When a spouse comes out: Impact on the heterosexual partner. Sexual Addiction & Compulsivity, 31, 317-332.
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