Self-Esteem
Chapter 4
“Allow yourself to fail and you
will be more likely to succeed.”
Edward Deci, Psychologist
McGraw-Hill
© 2010 McGraw-Hill Higher Education. All rights reserved.
Learning Objectives
• Define self-esteem and explain its importance.
• Describe how childhood experiences affect self-esteem.
• Define self-expectancy and explain two ways to boost it.
• Explain why self-acceptance is important for high selfesteem.
• Explain how to change negative self-talk into positive
self-talk.
• Explain how to handle criticism well.
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The Power of Self-Esteem
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Self-Esteem Confidence in and respect for yourself.
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Anxiety Generalized feeling of worry and nervousness
that does not have any specific cause.
Effects of High Self-Esteem:
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accept your strengths and weaknesses
express your true thoughts and feelings
establish emotional connections to other people
give and receive compliments
give and receive affection
try out new ideas and experiences
express your creativity
stand up for yourself
handle stress and anger calmly
see the future with optimism
Effects of Low Self-Esteem:
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mistrust other people
have difficulty developing intimate relationships
fear mistakes and have trouble making decisions
criticize themselves relentlessly, but have difficulty handling
criticism from others
anticipate problems, crises, and failure
ignore their own needs
give in to unreasonable requests
dislike being the center of attention
withhold their true thoughts and feelings from others
live in fear of rejection and disapproval
worry about being a burden on others
feel they lack control of their lives
miss out on the joy of life
Activity 18: Test Your Self-Esteem
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Childhood Origins of Self-Esteem
Success Secret
•No matter what your age, you can learn to value yourself.
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Support and Loneliness
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Shyness Anxiety in social situations that comes from
worrying about what others think about you.
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Loneliness Sadness about being alone.
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Social Support Words and actions from other people
that help you feel valued, cared for and connected to a
community.
Emotional Support: trust, empathy, caring, love concern, and
unconditional approval.
Instrumental Support: time, advice, information, money and
labor.
Activity 19: Social Support and Self-Esteem
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Raising Your Self-Esteem
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Not all successful people grew up feeling good
about themselves. Often, they had to learn to
like themselves through practice.
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Self-expectancy The belief that you are able
to achieve what you want out of life.
Personal Journal 4.1 Examining Your Self-Expectancy
Success Secret
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If you believe you will be successful at something, you
probably will.
Building Your Self-Expectancy
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Create Successful Experiences
Set and accomplish a serious of increasingly
challenging goals.
SMART goals example, public speaking skills:
1.
2.
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5.
6.
Join in class discussion once per week.
Join in class discussion three times per week.
Join in class discussion daily.
Participate in semester-end group presentation in class.
Give solo presentation at club meeting next quarter.
Give speech at school meeting at end of school year.
Activity 20: Accomplishment Inventory.
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Coping and Avoidance
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Coping Facing up to uncomfortable situations.
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Avoidance Unwillingness to face uncomfortable
situations or psychological realities.
Common Avoidance Behaviors
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Self-criticism
Making jokes about the situation
Becoming obsessed with work to avoid thinking about the problem
Escaping through activities such as shopping, TV, or sleeping
Venting unpleasant feelings without taking action
Abusing alcohol or other drugs
Success Secret
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When you face your problems head-on, your self-esteem grows.
Personal Journal 4.2 Learning to Cope
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Learning to Like Yourself
You, Flaws and All
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Self-Acceptance Recognition and
acceptance of what is true about yourself.
Mending a Negative-Self Image
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Take a Personal Self-Inventory
Activity 21: Personal Inventory
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Accept Your Physical Self
People who accept themselves are attractive to
others. Their healthy self-esteem comes through from
the inside out.
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Mending a Negative-Self Image continued…
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You’re Okay As You Are Now.
You can’t change your genetics, or go back in time
and grow up in a different environment.
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Kick the Comparing Habit
Personal Journal 4.3 Social Comparison Log
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Possible Selves
The person(s) you think you might realistically become
in the future.
Personal Journal 4.4. Your Ideal Self
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Self-Talk
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Self-Talk What you say or think to yourself about
yourself.
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Inner Critic The critical voice that bombards you with
negative self-talk. Origins of the critic are negative
messages you were given as a child.
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Role of the Critic Your inner critic hurts your selfesteem by repeating negative messages from your
past.
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Labels A particularly damaging form of self-talk.
Examples?
Activity 22: Negative Self-Talk Log
Success Secret
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Learn to stop the inner critic in its tracks.
Monitoring Negative Self-Talk
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Stop Those Thoughts! Catch yourself whenever you
engage in negative self-talk.
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Focus Your Subconscious Mind on the Positive
Example: Say, “I feel awake!” rather than “I don’t feel
tired.”
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Use Affirmations Use positive self-statements that
help you think of yourself in a positive, caring way.
Examples?
Success Secret
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Turn your negative self-statements into positive
affirmations.
Criticism and Self-Esteem
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Criticism Any remark that contains a judgment or
evaluation.
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Constructive Criticism Addresses specific behavior,
does not attack you as a person, usually makes
mention of positive points, and offers helpful
suggestions for improvement.
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Destructive Criticism Usually an entirely negative
opinion without any helpful suggestions to do things
differently.
Ineffective Styles of Handling Destructive Criticism
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Aggressive Style
Critic: “You painted that? It looks like a three-year-old did it.”
You: “You just can’t keep your mouth shut, can you?”
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Passive Style--very damaging to your self-esteem.
Critic: “You did a terrible job on this report.”
You: “You’re right. I’m sorry I let you down.”
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Passive-Aggressive Style
Critic: “You look like you’ve put on weight.”
You: “I know. You’re probably embarrassed to be seen in public
with me.” Then “accidentally” spills coffee on the critic’s shirt.
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PROBING
Asking for specifics from a person who has
given a general or vague criticism.
Critic: “I don’t know how you get through life being so lazy.”
You: “Can you give me an example of my laziness?”
Critic: “For one thing, you spend all weekend watching TV.”
Critic: “You messed up all the files when you reorganized the office.”
You: “How exactly did I mess up the files?”
Critic: “Nothing is in alphabetical order anymore.”
Critic: “You’re a slob.”
You: “What makes you think of me as a slob?”
Critic: “Just look at that sink overflowing with dishes.”
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Handling Destructive Criticism
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Acknowledge Facts Agree with the specific part of
the criticism that you can honestly acknowledge to be
true. This ends the criticism.
Critic: “You’re so lazy. You spend all weekend watching TV.”
You: “You’re right, I spend a lot of time watching TV on the
weekends, but that doesn’t mean I’m lazy.”
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Acknowledge Feelings If you truly cannot find
anything to agree within the criticism, show the critic that
you recognize the feelings that are motivating the
criticism. This ends the criticism.
Critic: “You’re a slob. Look at that sink overflowing with dishes.”
You: “I know you hate to leave dirty dishes in the sink. However, I
like to let them pile up and then do them all at once.”
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Responding to Constructive Criticism
Activity 23: Handling Criticism
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Assertiveness
Handling criticism well requires the ability to stand
up for your rights without threatening the self-esteem
of the other person.
Success Secrets
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You have the right to be treated with respect.
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When you make assertiveness a habit, you increase
others’ self-esteem for you and your esteem for others.
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Constructive criticism helps you improve yourself.
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Listen to constructive criticism, restate it, and then ask for
suggestions.
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