Kim Allen, PhD
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Poor communication
Financial problems
A lack of commitment to the marriage
A dramatic change in priorities
Infidelity
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Failed expectations or unmet needs
Addictions and substance abuse
Physical, sexual or emotional abuse
Lack of conflict resolution skills
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The
The
The
The
The
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Published aul Bohannan (1970),
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legal divorce —
emotional divorce —
economic divorce —
co-parental divorce —
community divorce —
 Set
aside time to meet as a
family
 Plan ahead of time what to tell
children
 Stay calm
 Plan to meet again
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1. Avoid criticizing the other parent in front of the
children.
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2. Avoid arguing in front of the children—discuss coparenting issues when children are not present.
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3. Plan how pick-up & drop-off will take place and
follow the plan, but be willing to change the plan if
needed.
4. Reassure children that conflict and divorce are not
their fault.
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1. Avoid using the child as a messenger—discuss
parenting and financial issues directly.
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2. Have a plan for dealing with the child’s
unexpected expenses.
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3. Avoid discussing child support issues with
children.
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4. Update the parenting plan as children’s needs
change.
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1. You will not be replaced if you stay involved in
your child’s life.
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2. Avoid asking questions that make children feel
like spies.
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3. Avoid using parenting time as leverage or a
way to try to control the other parent.
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4. Consider what role potential new partners
should have in the lives of your children before
bringing a new partner into the child’s life.
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1. Make time for yourself when children are with the
other parent.
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2. Transitioning between households is stressful for
children. A routine with built-in “down time” helps.
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3. Differences between households are to be
expected. It is impossible to control what happens in
the other parent’s household.
4. Children need to feel loved and have consistent
routines and responsibilities in each household.
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Clear, non defensive communication
Use "I" statements
Patient listening
Plan what you are going to say next
Understanding and mutual respect
Stay Calm
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Many stepfamilies are born of loss (divorce,
death, separation). Stepfamily members may be
dealing with unresolved grief. Children grieve
the loss of their first family, even if there were a
lot of problems.
Stepfamilies are not always formed after a death
or divorce. Some stepfamilies are formed when a
never-married parent marries a new partner who
is not the biological parent of the child.
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Each family is coming to the stepfamily with
its own history, routines, and traditions.
Children are often members of two
households
It generally takes 4-7 years for a stepfamily
to stabilize.
Children are especially likely to experience
loyalty conflicts when a parent is not
supportive of the child's relationship with the
stepparent or vice versa
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Stepparent-stepchild relationships go more
smoothly when the stepparent acts as a
friend, rather than a parent toward the
stepchild in the beginning and supports the
biological parent.
Family transitions are difficult for both
younger and older children
Stepparents do not automatically have legal
rights to authorize medical care or have
access to school records, among other rights
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All materials for this Power Point came from
the University of Missouri Extension
Publications, including:
GH6600, Helping Children Understand
Divorce
GH6602, Dealing With Divorce: A Guide to
Coping Activities for Children