“I COULDN’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF”
Erica A. Clayton
B.A., California State University, Sacramento, 2008
THESIS
Submitted in partial satisfaction of
the requirements for the degree of
MASTER OF ARTS
in
ART
(Art Studio)
at
CALIFORNIA STATE UNIVERSITY, SACRAMENTO
SPRING
2010
“I COULDN’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF”
A Thesis
by
Erica A. Clayton
Approved by:
__________________________________, Committee Chair
Ian Harvey, MFA
__________________________________, Second Reader
Rachel Clarke, MFA
____________________________
Date
ii
Student: Erica A. Clayton
I certify that this student has met the requirements for format contained in the University
format manual, and that this thesis is suitable for shelving in the Library and credit is to
be awarded for the thesis.
__________________________, Graduate Coordinator
Ian Harvey, MFA
Department of Art
iii
___________________
Date
Abstract
of
“I COULDN’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF”
by
Erica A. Clayton
“I Couldn’t Keep It To Myself” (Lamb, 2004) is the supporting document to the
investigation that focuses on femininity and gender roles. I have sought to explore the
complex relationships between beauty, body image and femininity, as well as gender
roles, in order to reveal environments, sensations, and situations which frequently ensnarl
and confine femininity.
_______________________, Committee Chair
Ian Harvey, MFA
_______________________
Date
iv
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
It has been a privilege to learn and explore as a graduate student at California
State University, Sacramento. To that end, I must take a moment and thank my husband,
Mathew; my parents, Pete and Kathy Salwasser; the Lee Krasner to my Jackson Pollock
(sans the sex, alcoholism and tragic end,) Wilson Lin; best VP of awesomeness ever,
Melanie; my compatriots, Mark, Ruby, Kari, Doracy, and Pam; the woman who inspired
me to be the best I could be, and is a person for whom the word professor falls short,
Rachel Clarke; the iron fist in a velvet glove, Elaine O’Brien; and last but not least the art
department faculty and staff.
v
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Page
Acknowledgments......................................................................................................... v
List of Figures ............................................................................................................ vii
“I COULDN’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF” .................................................................... 1
Figures ....................................................................................................................... 14
Bibliography ............................................................................................................... 24
vi
LIST OF FIGURES
Page
1.
Figure 1. under1, 2008, digital print, 20 x 16 inches ...................................... 14
2.
Figure 2. flip2, 2008, digital print, 16 x 15 ..................................................... 15
3.
Figure 3. box21-8, 2009, digital print, 15 x 15 inches .................................... 16
4.
Figure 4. Stills from bed, 2009, video ............................................................ 17
5.
Figure 5. Stills from birth, 2009, video/digital projection .............................. 18
6.
Figure 6. jump2, 2009, digital print, 23.5 x 18 inches .................................... 19
7.
Figure 7. through18, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11......................................... 20
8.
Figure 8. through11, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches ............................. 21
9.
Figure 9. through1, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches ............................... 22
10.
Figure 10. through19, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches ........................... 23
vii
1
“I COULDN’T KEEP IT TO MYSELF”
It is undeniable that my life and experiences have been shaped by my gender; and it is
equally true that those experiences have been colored by my physical appearance. My
interpretation of the world has always been tinted by the lens of my body; as I encounter
the world I have been firmly situated in a value system defined by our culture. As such, I
have often struggled with who I am – as I am perceived by society – and as I understand
myself; how I interpret myself, my position within my culture, and how others receive me
has left me unsatisfied. This discontent has led me to seek to challenge gender roles,
ideals of beauty, and to explore femininity.
I am now, and have always been overweight, a reality that I have come to terms with
outwardly, but that has been the cause of much internal turmoil. Coming of age in a
society that celebrates women based on appearance had a significant effect on me as I
matured and made sense of who I am. I never managed to fit within the accepted norm,
and because of that I always had a sense that I was less valuable. Even as a child, my
anthem was Jimmy Soul’s “If You Wanna Be Happy” – a song that gave me hope that
someday someone would take me as a wife even though I wasn’t thin.
I vividly
remember sitting in the back seat of the car, listening to that song on the radio, singing
along with my sister and mother, and knowing that it meant something sadly hopeful to
me.
I was raised by my mom, an independent woman of the eighties, who fought to
reclaim her identity in full view of my sister and I after divorcing my father. The
struggles of being a woman solely responsible for child rearing and household duties, as
2
well as being the breadwinner, played out in front of us. After my parents’ separation,
she would often say things like, “You don’t need a man to do anything for you” as she
used the tip of a butter knife to tighten a screw. With such a strong female role model I
never doubted that I could accomplish what I set my mind to, but was always aware of
the gender politics that my mother had to endure.
As I entered adolescence, and was brimming with angst, my outlook shifted, and the
words of Ani Difranco addressed my frustration. In her song “Not A Pretty Girl” she
states,
I am not a pretty girl; That is not what I do; I aint no damsel in distress;
And I don’t need to be rescued… I am not an angry girl; But it seems like
I’ve got everyone fooled; Every time I say something they find hard to
hear; They chalk it up to my anger and never to their own fear; Imagine
you’re a girl just trying to finally come clean; Knowing full well they’d
prefer you were dirty and smiling. (Ani, 1995)
This echoed my dissatisfaction at not being accepted or validated, as well as the
notion that there was still a distinction between what is tolerable female behavior and
what challenged that convention. I also became more aware of the fact that my journey
would be different from that of my thin attractive mother; that I would face trials that she
never had to.
My experiences as an adult have not changed drastically from that of the overweight
little girl; my weight has become an issue that affects me in more than my own
frustrations and want of societal validation. Every aspect of my life is affected by my
weight, including my recent experiences as an expectant mother. At times I feel trapped
3
by my own body, while I simultaneously feel the weight of others’ judgment placed upon
me.
I have tried to reconcile beauty and its relationship with femininity both in my art
making as well as in my personal life. My work often questions standards of beauty. I
create images that frequently have a macabre quality, expressing ideas contrary to
popular concepts of beauty. My early investigations resulted in works possessing a
ferociousness as a response to a personal sense of frustration and discomfort with societal
norms of beauty. In works that conveyed those emotional states I sought to push ugliness
to the surface, and enhance disturbing aspects of my body with unnatural colors, textures,
and positions. This raw, bold approach to expressing frustration has been carried out in
my artworks in many ways; I have engineered situations which allow me to observe
gravity, buoyancy, movement, light, and focus. The resulting images range in character
and mood but always raise questions on the topic of beauty.
In addition to beauty I have also created work that deals with issues of body image
and the commoditization of the body. The use of the body, particularly the female form
in mainstream media as a method to reach an audience to promote and sell products,
feeds the perception that a person’s value is based on their appearance. No longer a
signifier of an individual, images of svelte statuesque women become icons when they
are used to market a range of merchandise from motor vehicles to hamburgers.
The perception that a woman is validated based on physical appearance is constantly
reinforced and further undermines the limited terms within which femininity is
understood. This becomes apparent when visual statements challenge the status quo.
4
The direct gaze of a woman who is the subject of an artwork dares the viewer in a way
that questions the subject’s and the viewer’s roles. This subversion of the nature of the
gaze changes the voyeuristic relationship between a woman as art object, and a viewer.
I create works that challenge ideals of femininity and the traditional gaze, through the
presence of a subject who fails to conform to the norms. I also engage this subversion
with works that confront the viewer with the direct gaze of the subject, by displaying
figures that are uninterested and ambivalent to the viewers’ presence, or by revealing
beauty where there would appear to be none.
Similarly, the exposing of the private, and/or domestic domain is often used in my
work to demonstrate the concept of interior feminine space as it is juxtaposed with the
public and masculine spaces we all experience in our everyday lives. In my work I have
used images from the home, traditionally considered the woman’s domain, and revealed
them in a public venue as an assessment of the boundaries in place between the sexes.
There is a subversion that takes place when a viewer is asked to interpret these private
feminine spaces that draws attention to familial dynamics; power struggles within
intimate relationships, and the role of a woman within a household as well as beyond it.
The act of opening up these spaces, and revealing the events that occur within them lead
to a sense of intimacy being uncovered, both the intimacy of the space, but also of the
relationships that happen within the spaces. While relationships tend to exist in two
places simultaneously, the public realm and the private one, the public face often differs
greatly from the private one; relationships are often intricate and messy behind closed
doors, a reality I attempt to disclose.
5
Throughout my work, a sense of emergence has been paramount in my exploration as
it relates several facets of femininity. Emergence is defined as the act of becoming
apparent, to become visible, and to come forth; I would describe my work as an exposing
of hidden realities, self discovery, evolution of the self, and birth, and all through the
prism of femininity.
Though all of these are issues of femininity that intrigue me, I touch on several
different modes of investigating them and I am always in search of a means to address the
way they are articulated in society. Many expressions of gender are so engrained in the
culture it’s difficult to separate out the how’s and why’s regarding what has been built
and maintained on imbalance. By coming at the subject matter from many perspectives I
am able to dissect the intricacies of each issue individually and reach a viewer
simultaneously with subtlety and power.
No matter the emotive stance of the works, or the approach taken in regards to
content, I choose to use digital photography and digital video as methods of
communication. I am drawn to the immediacy of the digital image, and its ability to
capture moments or document durations of time, a medium that enables me to become an
extension of the camera. There is a freedom I feel when wielding a camera, a machine
that has long been used by women to create vignettes of their lives through their own
eyes, to make a record of their lives. Sense the invention of photography it has been used
to reveal what would often be undocumented such as the events of domestic life.
My presence within my work is a reflection of the experiences I attempt to transmit –
I am my camera, my camera is I – together creating works through the prism of my
6
understanding, my process, and the cameras lens. My relationship with the camera does
not drastically differ from that of early female photographers, such as Imogen
Cunningham, who often shot images of her family and other aspects of her domestic life;
my camera becomes an appendage that I use to create a reflection of my life and times.
I have developed a method by which I use myself, both psychologically and through
the forms of my body, to convey specific experiences. The importance of my own
physical presence in the work is indubitable, though none of my pieces are selfportraiture. As opposed to simply depicting myself, it is my goal to embody something
greater than myself in the work, and my desire is to be a vessel through which the
complex and varied incarnations of the female realm are described.
I revise the light and focus in evocative ways through postproduction, and digitally
achieve an ambiance that is appropriate to the work. Using digital media allows for
unending exploration of both single ideas held within one image, and overarching notions
that are applicable to whole series’. There is a speed to the experimentation that allows
for the re-imagining of aspects of the art that fail to achieve the desired outcome, and a
capability to reconfigure reality to suit the needs of the work. Due to the freedom that
digital media provides I have been able to further my work, advance my content and
enrich my process.
Many of my works include some form of a push and pull between the background
and the figure. Disruptions that occur in the figure/ground relationships operate in a
number of ways. In one series the fall-off of light creates shadows that foreshorten the
body so that areas of the body recede into the background, resulting in a dramatic sense
7
of contrast. In another series, the figure appears to break apart as it descends into the
depths of space, some areas sitting on the surface of the picture plane, and others
dissolving into areas of obscurity. Shifts between the figure and the background create
areas of distinct and indistinct form: some remain in full clarity and others begin to move
into ambiguity and become indistinct in the environment.
A change in mood occurs as a result of relationship between the figure and the
ground. The material qualities of the environments in each series produce spaces that
contain different emotive properties. The figure, for example, can seem to be fighting the
surroundings, testing the limits of its environment, or being comforted within them.
These outcomes are the result of the interaction between the two, figure and ground,
which I develop from the point of conception, and throughout the process of refining the
artworks.
The push and pull is an occurrence that also plays into the abstraction of the figure. I
have often felt that my body is itself an abstraction of the human form due to my weight,
and in my work I push that element further. The disrupted forms that happen due to the
interaction with the background are not the only way I deal with abstracting the female
body, I have used several other techniques to accomplish this task. By depicting the
female nude I engage in a discourse that has a long and documented history in art;
however with the abstraction of the form, I am able to create works that are of this time.
The outcome of this abstraction changes as my process does. Altering the body with my
approach to capturing images, I have used unusual angles and close-ups of the forms to
disorient the viewer, producing images that function as something other than a
8
representation of a body. At times my images begin to behave like topography their
rolling contours moving toward the forms of a landscape while still representing
something corporeal.
In addition, I’ve used devices such as lighting, positioning,
unexpected color and long exposures to break the body down into abstraction.
Combining this abstraction with a dramatic lighting quality, and variations in focus
creates a compelling sense of strength within the images.
Through a process of
experimentation in my shooting I create lighting situations that capture as much
information as possible, but stay true to the mood of the conceived work.
With
purposeful lighting I am able to find points of focus to draw attention to specific elements
within each piece. Moments of focus become more meaningful when they transition to
areas of soft focus that create an indistinct atmosphere.
Immersing myself in my art practice has enabled me grow as an artist, but it has also
been through the study of art history, and contemporary art, and dedicating time to indepth critiques with colleagues and professors that has led to my growth as a maker. I
have been inspired by learning about bold artists who expose the objectionable nature of
female stereotypes, as well as artists whose works are quietly contemplative and reflect
on the meanings of womanhood.
I have borrowed Catherine Opie’s fierceness, as I propelled myself through images
captured in mid air. While floating I engaged the luscious sense of color as well as the
meditative interaction between the body and water explored by Bill Viola. I echoed
Andrea Modica’s tenderness, as I tumbled in a void illuminated by a single light. I
channeled Rachel Whiteread’s contemplation, and presented a reflection on domesticity
9
and the intimate relationships found in a home. I connected to my own insoluble sense of
femininity as I had seen Ana Mendieta do so stunningly. In my mind, Marina Abramovic
and Louise Bourgeois have been my godmothers, taking me under their wings and
watching over me.
My first efforts resulted in a series of images where the figure is interacting with
water.
The images again contain the push and pull that has become a greater
investigation in my work, illustrated here by the way the figure and the environment
bleed into each other and become indiscernible from one and other. In under1 (figure 1)
the body is submerged in water; the refraction results in a scattering that disrupts the
form, while the figure being supported by the water is womb-like and serene. Other
images from the series illustrate a range of expressive content, for instance flip2 (figure
2) involves a transformation of the figure into something other than human. The idea of
birth also comes into play in this piece, as the figure escapes the surface of the water and
is suspended, cradled in the waters’ spray.
In my next endeavor I sought to create an environment wherein I could control the
fall-off of light and play with the idea of emergence in a different setting. The resulting
pieces involve the body moving within an atmospheric space that acts as a void and
through the spectrum of light and shadow, highlights some areas and diminishes others.
The viewer is confronted with imagery of the body caught in motion and dissipating as
the light falls off, speaking to an emerging exploration of the inner self as the physical
body loses clarity (figure 3.) The concept of what lies beneath the surface was then, as it
is now, very important to me, and has aided me in understanding my content and myself.
10
In a video piece titled bed, I depicted an aspect of the everyday that includes the
exposing of an intimate interior environment, but also reveals a private dialogue between
a man and his wife (figure 4.) The viewer is made to feel as though they are intruding, a
voyeur into a private space; imagery of a lone woman in the midst of making a bed is
juxtaposed with a detached and heated conversation between the married couple. While
this piece addresses voyeurism, it also deals with notions of domesticity, and domestic
relationships. As the couples’ argument progresses so does the making of the bed, and
though in the end the bed is put together and the woman has finished her task, the couple
fails to ever come to a resolution.
In an attempt to negotiate the complexity of motherhood, birth, and validation, I
created a piece, birth, (figure 5) in which I stand nude before a camera, while images of
vaginal births are projected over me. Slowly, I use my hands to paint my body a stark
white allowing my body to become a canvas on which the act of birth is being painted in
light. My actions are somber and introspective, however, overburdened with the sense of
need or want for something, perhaps validation. There is a seriousness to the actions, a
deliberateness to the movements, that communicate my confrontation with issues of
femininity.
Using directness again I created jump2, (figure 6) a piece in which a different
exploration takes place; the subject is displaying the effects of gravity on the body, which
emphasizes the burden of the abundance of weight being carried. There is a sensation of
motion, stopped in time, and a raw emotive quality that creates a direct connection
between the viewer and the subject.
The peculiarity of the forms of the body in
11
suspended animation creates an incongruity that transforms the figure even further. The
body is out of place, set against a hostile environment, generated with a garish
background that produces a sense of discomfort in the viewer.
Finally, I have created a series that, once again, explores the female form immersed in
an environment, blurring the lines between a form and its surroundings. The figure and
background have a relationship that at times prevents a clear distinction from one to the
other. This of atmospheric effect functions in a different ways as the body moves from
sharp focus to being completely dissolved, and all of the states in between. Areas of
focus advance toward the viewer, intermediate states create diverse uncertainties of the
figure’s direction and movement, and areas where the figure falls away completely aids
in the abstraction of the form. As a result, the figure is at times greatly abstracted and
denied a recognizable identity, producing a sense of something otherworldly, a mystery
evoking a supernatural quality.
Revisiting the push and pull of foreground and background, I used an imperceptible
environment to form a vague atmosphere (figure 7.)
I investigated the fall-off of
information by shooting these images through paper saturated with oil, and made semitranslucent. With mindful cropping and digital alterations I pushed forward the sense of
space, and consequentially abstracted the form further.
The depth and richness of value aids in moving the figure out toward the viewer,
however the figures are traveling in uncertain motion; their positioning and posture
convey activity, but the movements are unclear, veiled by the ambiguity of the space they
inhabit. At times the figures advance toward the viewer, while at other times they seem
12
to retreat further into the mist. A viewer is presented with a being that can appear both
ambivalent and resolute; a form that takes on human qualities, but can equally seem
monstrous or ethereal (figure 8.)
The figures engage the picture plane in varied and specific ways; each having a sense
of individuality including desires, and goals, they set about to interact with the viewer in
a manner that is unique unto themselves. In through1 (figure 9) the being stands before
the viewer, seemingly still, but domineeringly so; its distorted form is like a statue, its
arms fall at its sides, limp, while its feet are firm, unyielding from their position.
Contrasting with through1 is the piece through19 (figure 10) in which there is a
definite sense of motion, however the directionality of the movement is uncertain. The
bulbous form at its midsection is difficult to delineate; at one moment the figure moves
toward the viewer, its extended abdomen being that of a pregnant woman, while in the
next it is crouched over, perhaps unable to stand upright, moving away from the viewer,
seemingly powerless.
Over the last three years many things about the way that I convey the content have
changed while a few have remained. I have been successful in my experimentation with
process and I have pushed my investigation forward by expanding my understanding of
contemporary art, my medium, but perhaps most importantly, myself.
When I began to invest more seriously in my work I had to find a way to embrace my
misgivings, trusting my ability to create meaningful work that an audience could engage
with. The use of my own body to explore issues of femininity requires that I deal with
issues of my own modesty, while being brave and honest about what is depicted.
13
Coming to terms to with my body was a necessity, but it took time. The more strength
I’ve found, the more possibilities have opened up to me, and I’ve been grateful for the
lessons I’ve garnered from each endeavor.
I create work with the intention of bringing attention to social inequities, and drawing
attention to beauty where it might not be apparent.
However, the most dramatic
revelation I’ve had regarding my work is finding out that there is beauty not in what I
have to contribute to the conversation, but in me.
14
Figure 1. under1, 2008, digital print, 20 x 16 inches
15
Figure 2. flip2, 2008, digital print, 16 x 15 inches
16
Figure 3. box21-8, 2009, digital print, 15 x 15 inches
17
Figure 4. Stills from bed, 2009, video
18
Figure 5. Stills from birth, 2009, video/digital projection
19
Figure 6. jump2, 2009, digital print, 23.5 x 18 inches
20
Figure 7. through18, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches
21
Figure 8. through11, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches
22
Figure 9. through1, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches
23
Figure 10. through19, 2010, digital print, 17.5 x 11 inches
24
BIBLIOGRAPHY
Ani Difranco. "Not A Pretty Girl." Not A Pretty Girl. Righteous Babe Records, 1995.
CD.
Lamb, Wally. Couldn't Keep It to Myself: Testimonies from Our Imprisoned Sisters.
New York: Harper Perennial, 2004. Print.