| Statistics | Feedback (1) | Feedback (2) |
It can't be denied that the way we{1} deal with extreme human behaviors had{2} played a key role
in maintaining the stability of a{3} society. Through different solutions, we get different results
from handling one same issue{4}. Some strategies proved to be useful in the short run but incur
more serious problems in the long run, therefore,{5} sorting out the best solution is essential.
If you often watch the news report, you'll easily find out lots and lots{6} of extreme human
behaviors. Violence, such as suicide bomb attack or{7} wars between tribes, is the most common
one. Dating back to nine years ago, the terrorist stroke up the 911 attack, and since then, the death
toll t{8}he number of people injured from the war were{9} shown in the news everyday. The 911
attack was a disaster, but the aftermath revenge from the US and other countries was none the less
a calamity. Both the terrorist and US allies chose the worst and most devastating way to cope with
the extreme situation; terrorists{10} think that the western countries had interfered{11} the
politic circumstances in the middle east and they want to end this condition, and{12} the US stroke
fire to revenge for those died in the 911 attack. However, after almost a decade, the tension still
exist, and the situation will only become worse if both sides refuse to adopt new solutions.
To suppress or attack, the methods that the terrorist and the US implemented, might be effective
in the short run because they may end the constant situation immediately. However, the basic
problems were not solved, people in both sides still hate each other; the more the
suppressions or attacks were stroke up, the worse the hatred they resulted in.{13} In this
way, there will never be harmony between the two sides, and the whole world might be affected
by the confrontation.
The best way to solve the problems requires the calmness and forgiveness from the two sides;
cease the fire,{14} sit calmly, and listen to opinions from the other side. They need to open
hearts{15} in order to judge impartially, and in the end pick out the best solutions for the both
sides. The process might take a long time to achieve, but it will never cost more time than striking
each other. Communication, especially a constructive, peaceful and indiscriminate one{16} is
always the best respond{17} to extreme human behaviors, and it will lead to a more consolidated
society.
The following appeared in a memo from the owner of Green Thumb Gardening
Center, a small business serving a suburban town.
"There is evidence that consumers are becoming more and more interested in
growing their own vegetables. A national survey conducted last month indicated
that many consumers were dissatisfied with the quality of fresh vegetables
available in supermarkets. And locally, the gardening magazine Great Gardens has
sold out at the Village News stand three months in a row. Thus, we at Green Thumb
Gardening Center can increase our profits by greatly expanding the variety of
vegetable seeds we stock for gardeners this coming spring."
According to the content of the memo, the owner thinks that the company may gain more profits
by providing more vegetable seeds to customers who likes to plant vegetables on their own, for
that a recent national survey showed that people were disappointed with the quality of vegetables
in the supermarkets, and{18} at the same time, the gardening magazine became the top seller in
recent months. However, the owner of Green Thumb Gardening Center didn't figure out how close
the relationship is among these three events.
First of all, the national survey only provided the information that less people were satisfied with
the quality of vegetables in the supermarkets, but it didn't tell that because of this reason, more
people started to grow vegetables on their own; people may go to grocery stores or they may
choose to order fresh vegetables directly from the farms than buying{19} it in the
supermarkets,{20} so we can't infer from this survey that the number of people growing vegetables
by themselves had actually increased.
Second, the memo mentioned that the gardening magazine Great Gardens has become a top seller
in the last three months; it might be true that more people had been interested in growing
vegetables, but they may be merely interested,{21} whether they would really do it was unknown.
As a result, the increasing number of gardening magazines sold would not necessarily lead to the
growing number of people planting their own vegetables.
Judging from these, the owner should consider if the company really need to expand the amount
of the seeds stock, since it's{22} uncertain if they are going to make profits from it. Because of the
unclear connections among the number of people discontent with the quality of vegetables in
supermarkets, the growing number of gardening magazines sold, and the number of people who
are willing to buy seeds to grow own vegetables. The owner needs to do more market research to
make the decision{23}.
Statistics
Instances
Description
1
Subject/verb agreement error
1
Cut -- this text is not necessary
1
Verb tense
Negative total: 3
Positive total: 0
Feedback (1)
I have found that you are comparatively week in writing about an issue. Let me
give you a clue.
Introduction: begin from the opposite.
If the topic is "The stability of a society depends on how it responds to the
extremes of human behavior," then you should start the essay by saying that
nowadays a lot of people, as reflected by the media, tend to be easy with
extremes of human behavior . . . .
After you elaborate the opposite stuff a bit with 2 sentences, you have to claim
that you are supportive of the idea shown in the topic with such a transitional
word as "However," "Yet," or "On the contrary." Of course, you have to provide
your reader with 2 or 3 reasons why you are so positive about the topical idea.
For example, you might say: There are two reasons: first, extremes of human
behavior often lead to conflicts and confrontations; second, these extremes can
easily turn into forces that may destroy cultures and civilizations. These two
points prepare your two paragrahs in the following.
PS: If you are against the topic, then you have to start with a positive statement to
show the general phenomenon before you talk about your negative view of it.
Body paragraphs: explain in detail and give some example(s).
You have to explain your each point in detail with 2 to 3 sentences before you
give one or two examples to support you idea. Examples may be tough for you to
think up; in that case, you have to make up a story to be your example.
Remember this: you are writing to get a better grade, so you have to do anything
to get it. This has nothing to do with telling lies! Of course, a widely known
example can always bring you a better score.
Conclusion: Reclaim your positive/negative statement and retell what you have
done in the preceding paragraphs.
The purpose of doing this is to remind your reader of what you have done. You
have to add one or two more sentences to make the conclusion. The best one is a
statement that points to a brighter future. For example:
Human beings have been constantly taking extremes of humna behavior under
control to ensure the statbility of societies and civilizations. We should endeavor
to find more and better ways to control these extremes so as to safeguard our
societies and develop human civilzaitons as a whole.
Give it a try!
Feedback (2)
As for your argumentation, I am not worried.