I was walking through Volcano Joe’s today
Contemplating prom and homework and taking the bus and other insignificant things
when
I saw a Marshallese woman sitting on a bench
She had on that same Micronesian skirt Micronesians always wear
You know, the one with the sequins and the serrated lines and splashes of classy neon
pinks, oranges, and lime and over that was a large baggy shirt embroidered with
HAWAII in large words while thick scents of coconut oiled hair permeated my
brain
And it was like getting kicked in the chest, sudden and painful, and I can’t really
remember the rest cuz I got the feeling I was trying to hide my inside, frozen and
broken on the sidewalk street, trying to remember who or what insignificant thing
I was supposed to meet
And that’s when I saw all my memories stretch like a thin, worn cloth before me
Memories interwoven like the pale pandanus mat mirroring the movements of our
Marshallese oceans. Memories of sleeping with my bubu, my grandma, and of her
arms around me. Of lying on the back of a truck and watching for stars as we
made our way through a single road to get back to our quiet homes amongst a
brush of mountainous coconut and lime trees and also some memories of crashing
along salty sprays and foaming waves to a lonely, deserted island where we spent
all day fishing and diving and sun bathing on emerald reefs, trying to replace our
21st century needs with warm embracing memories
but then I’m sucked back to where I’m standing and I’m breathing not salt air but the
questioning stares of baggy youths wondering why I’m standing alone on the side
of the road, and I just can’t bear the thought of this busy, loud street behind me
nor the glaring graffiti and all the chrome and metal cell phones and the loud
PSPs and all these dirty human beings surrounding this lovely, gentle creature just
sitting and waiting
See her years are stretched along the creases of her face while traces of all that she’s
seen have collected in a mist over her dear, sad eyes as if she’s protected by
God’s greatest fears
And so I take a step before her, but her eyes rise for just single split second before turning
again to roam along the road. It was a just a single casual glance, no pause, no
sign of recognition, not a long drawn warm smile of amiable affection
And that’s when I realize that she doesn’t see me
She doesn’t see me in this façade of standard local American wit, in my jeans and Macy’s
top with my light skin and cocky grin. I’m just another youth in worn jeans
wearing an expression of weariness at the woman waiting with whom I never had
a single relation.
And that’s when I realize that I am no longer that girl with her bubu or that
truck under the stars and that I am no longer foaming waves or that lonely,
deserted island. I am no longer warm, embracing memories. I am no longer the
Marshall Islands.
And so I turn away from the old Marshallese lady and walk towards a future where the
sweet scents of coconut oil hair and neon skirts and bold HAWAII shirts are
merely lost memories of my culture, lost amongst crashes and waves and reefs,
lost amongst a jumble of everything I’ve ever seen.
Has this happened already?
This question lingers on the blue signs and valleys I see through the windshield as I sit
in your beat up old car as the radio pumps with loud, shaky beats to the music
neither of us can really feel and it’s all so surreal but then I look to the side
And realize it’s just dejavu
Cuz I see you
With your watermelon lips and your emerald nails tapping the steering wheel and sun
dust floating through your blond-streaked hair as you turn up music I can’t even
hear.
And that’s when I find myself wondering
What will happen to this next year?
Cuz I know I’ll leave and you’ll leave too and then I’ll forget you like you’ll forget me
and we’ll forget that this was all meant to be.
I know I’ll go to some really liberal arts school where my individuality will be tested by
all those who wanna stand outta the pack and there will always be some certain
lack of honesty and my mind will be twisted and confused with all these haoles
surrounding me who love that I’m from Hawaii and then I’ll watch as my former
self evaporates and at that rate I won’t have my past to guide me all I’ll have is
my fate.
But that’s when I’ll
Remember that time when we rode the bus back after taking our senior photos and you
rose to turn away from me as you cried because you couldn’t buy your year book
cuz your father took all your money and he barely had any but you shrugged like
you didn’t care it was just another insignificant part of life you’d bear because
what’s hard can only get easier and that’s what you had said as you led me
through the rain by your eyes but even through the rain I saw your pain eclipsed
in the thick drops of your mascara lies
But I won’t remember any of that at all
I’ll be too busy, ambling round the mall, picking out the clothes to wear to my college
graduation and then maybe I’ll shop for that life I’ll want to lead and there’ll
finally come a time when I won’t need anyone besides me and that of course is
when I’ll fall for some dick with no balls and we’ll move into an apartment that’s
too small and then I’ll move to another state before realizing that it’s all been just
a huge mistake but by then it’ll be too late cuz I’m picking out our wedding date
But that’s when I’ll remember
That time when you said you’d leave in September and that you were glad because you
never had any fun and I hated you for saying that cuz I didn’t want you to leave
but I also wanted you to be happy but then we went to the Hilton and watched the
fireworks erupt in the night and then you said you might be staying anyway and
those fireworks meant nothing compared to you in my arms and it all just made
sense to me as we dug our toes in the sand and watched red, yellow, and blue
sparks land in the quiet sea that whispered to us it was meant to be
But I won’t remember what I did
Cuz I’ll be too busy with four or five kids who’ll hang onto my every limb and I’ll watch
as they swim on a single current through their lives and they’ll have their own bus
rides and car rides and fireworks before their lives would take them from me and
then I’ll seek comfort in the arms of my husband who’ll be dying as he’s lying in
our tired, gray home and as I’m alone my mind will wander and ponder through
the life I’ve led and all the things I’ve said and in between breathing and dying,
somehow, some way
I’ll find myself in an old beat-up car and I’ll watch for blue signs and valleys through the
windshield and the radio will be pumping to loud shaky music I can’t even feel
and it’ll be all so surreal
Cuz I’ll actually see you
With your watermelon lips and your emerald nails and sun dust floating through your
blond-streaked hair as you turn up the music I can’t even hear and it’ll be like
some sort of twisted medley as I find myself realizing
This has happened already.
Here’s to my father
The man of the hour, a Marshallese man with a solid, fool proof plan:
Go to doctor college so knowledge bleeds out of the ears
Then get a respectable job amongst your respectable Marshallese peers
First, a teacher, then a principal of the Marshall Islands High School
Now, the top MD of the Marshallese hospital
Now there
Is a respectable man, my father
Working long, and hard throughout the day
And then, at the end of the night
After saying goodbye to all the nurses and doctors and interns
(Good night, see you tomorrow, bar loeok iliju)
return to your perfect house and perfect children and wife
return in the cloak of night, in a thick haze of Budweiser daze
stumble through the door
hear the screen creeeak shut
it’s sure hard to see when everything’s tilting under you, ain’t it Dad?
But you’ve still got that madness in your mind, it’s showing through your bloodshot eyes
Where’s that bitch? That jepag? That whore?
Johnny told me somethin’ about you dear, he been tellin’ me things I don’t wanna hear
You murmur is slow slurs as you stumble down the hallway
Past your six year old daughter lying on the floor
Her eyes twitching, shhh she’s pretending to be sleeping
(meanwhile stains on her soft cheeks are silver glistening)
but instead you’re listening for a sign of movement through the door
she’s as good as dead that whore stretched out in bed
she’s got her glasses on her head she’s reading books for tomorrow
she’s studying work for tomorrow
maybe she’s plannin’ on cheatin’ tomorrow
one foot stamps down in front of the other
they sure are slow and heavy ain’t they Dad?
But your hands they be quick and nimble and before she can whimper
There’s glass shards mixing with blood in your hand
Johnny, you say, your tongue fat and rolling, Johnny he he said
And now you’re swaying back and forth
And that jepag that’s less than worth is saying something then
You promised, she’s saying, not again stop it calm down, you promised you wouldn’t
But you’re through with it, you’re through with it again
God! Just shut the fuck up!
But she’s still pleading, trying to reason
Jaab kerroro! Emoj ne!
And with one warning your backhand swings and smack! Right across the face, while her
cries ring and reverberate in your drowning ears
That’s right, Dad, nice one, hit that dumb bitch across the face, hit the woman who gave
birth to your kid.
Kwe jaronaron ke? Ibba jaab kerroro!
Silent tears, silent years are seen through her eyes but before you can find your next blow
to extort your own fears you hear a sob squeeze out of the back of your ears and
you swing around oh it’s just your daughter no she’s still sleeping it doesn’t
matter that she’s weeping
But now there’s some buzzing and the room’s now spinning and the bed is moving up
and down while your crouching wife is a blurry yellow and this jepag won’t stop
crying she’s shaking too why won’t she stop moving just stay still for a moment!
And it’s like you’ve got your own focus when you grab a pillow, a soft cushion to stop
this insane woman one hit! Haha you’re laughing it’s pillow fighting except this
pillow isn’t lifting and she’s struggling trying to move she’s crying confused
Should you smother her?
Nah this isn’t fun anymore and that bed sure looks nice and soft don’t it Dad?
But now this bitch is clawing at your face so one more punch and slap
SMACK!
Across the face and she’s out for the count, blood across the nose, teeth and shattered
cheek bones
and then you sink, heavy with sleep into the downy bed while covers cover your hot,
sweaty head and light and darkness dim into an easy red
Another day, accomplished, huh Dad?
Another day accomplished and then next morning you’ll wake again
A respectable, Marshallese man
Back to work in the hospital
Back amongst your peers
The last night just a darkness in the back of your fears
Meanwhile your daughter has cleaned the glass off the floor
Your daughter has gently placed bandages on her mother’s broken face
And now we’re
Sitting outside on the rocks above the reef
Mother and daughter, alone
quiet, shhhh
We’re listening to the waves hissing, crashing, and rolling of our deep, silent pain