Detroit
By Scot Augustson
(Scoop and Flash stand, lost, on a street corner in
Detroit. Scoop – she’s at least forty, could be older –
consults a map. Flash, a guy who might be a hair younger,
takes her picture.)
SCOOP
Hey, cut it out.
FLASH
I want some proof when we get home that you were lost.
SCOOP
I’m not lost, we are lost.
FLASH
You were leading.
SCOOP
Fuck off.
FLASH
I am freezing my balls off.
Yeah, you and the
SCOOP
brass monkey you road in on.
FLASH
Let me see. (Takes map) Oh, hand drawn maps always inspire
confidence.
SCOOP
Cab down in circulation drew it for me. He grew up in
Detroit.
FLASH
I thought you knew this city.
SCOOP
What makes you think that?
(Lights up on Eddie, he’s back in Seattle, a week ago.)
EDDIE
(Pointing a cigar at Scoop.) Hey, you know Detroit?
1
SCOOP
Yeah, did my undergrad there.
FLASH
That’s why.
SCOOP
So, I lied.
What,
FLASH
you wanted free tickets to the Super Bowl?
SCOOP
Naw, football bores me.
FLASH
Then, uh, why?
SCOOP
Oh, the usual, there’s shit going down at home. A week away
sounded nice. You?
FLASH
Trying to earn enough brownie points for a Euro assignment.
EDDIE
Your tickets.
FLASH
(Looking at them) Hey, Eddie, these are for a week before
the game.
EDDIE
Yeah, I want you to go and get a picture of the city. Local
color. Maybe find me some janitor at the stadium who’s got
a crippled kid or something. Or a blind guy.
SCOOP
A blind guy who’s gonna watch the game?
EDDIE
Or listen to it. It’s a big city, you’ll find something.
FLASH
2
This doesn’t look
football stadium.
like
the
right
neighborhood
for
a
SCOOP
Yeah. They tend to be big and hard to miss. But, it’s
marked, with a little star.
FLASH
There’s a lot of stars on this map.
SCOOP
Yeah. Cab told me what they were. Some good restaurants,
city hall. The stadium.
FLASH
Was the stadium built when he lived here?
SCOOP
Hell if I know.
FLASH
How are we gonna get pictures of people camping out in
front of the stadium if we can’t find the stadium.
SCOOP
Photoshop? Isn’t that what you guys do these days?
(A sign lights up, it reads “Horseflesh.”)
FLASH
Horseflesh?
SCOOP
Oh, excellent! I know where we are (looking at map) and
it’s nowhere near the stadium.
FLASH
Horseflesh is one of Cab’s stars?
SCOOP
Yeah.
FLASH
And it is what I think it is?
SCOOP
3
It is if you’re thinking tittie bar.
(Scoop knocks. Pinto, a world weary woman in tight pants
opens the door.)
PINTO
We don’t open for another couple hours. Read the fucking
sign.
SCOOP
Are you Pinto?
PINTO
Who wants to know?
SCOOP
We spoke on phone? I was going to do an interview.
PINTO
Oh, yeah. Reporter from Seattle Times?
SCOOP
The PI actually.
PINTO
I thought you were gonna come tomorrow.
SCOOP
Yeah, so did I. We were gonna go out to the stadium today.
Take pictures of people camping out in line.
PINTO
For the Super Bowl?
FLASH
There something else going on this week at the Stadium?
PINTO
Camping out?
SCOOP
Yeah. I figured big events, new Star Wars movies, Olivia
Newton John Concerts, the Watergate hearing. People think
they can get in.
PINTO
4
People don’t tend to do that in Detroit, in January.
FLASH
That’s what I tried to tell her.
EDDIE
Maybe you can find an immigrant who is baffled by our love
for football. People love a fish out of water story. You’ll
probably find one driving a cab.
SCOOP
Thanks for the tip, boss.
PINTO
Well, shit. Come on in. But Camero and Volare are gonna be
pissed. They were looking forward to being interviewed.
EDDIE
Ooh, work the wife beating angle! You know, husband gets
drunk, team loses.
SCOOP
Yeah, Eddie, look, I checked the stats and it turns out to
be an urban legend. Super Bowl Sunday is not the domestic
violence festival we’ve be lead to believe.
EDDIE
I appreciate your slavish devotion to the truth.
FLASH
(Quietly to Scoop.) Why are we here?
SCOOP
The Super Bowl.
FLASH
I mean why are we at Horseflesh?
EDDIE
Find me an angle.
SCOOP
We are here because they are hiring and training some extra
help for the big weekend.
FLASH
5
Like the Bon at Christmas.
SCOOP
It’s Macy’s now, but yeah.
FLASH
Pinto, huh?
PINTO
That’s me.
FLASH
Your real name?
Yeah, like I’d strip using
PINTO
my real name.
SCOOP
Pinto like the pony?
PINTO
Pinto like the car. Larry, the owner, he’s got this civic
pride thing going. Likes all the dancers to have an
automotive themed name. I said to once, if that’s the case,
why don’t you change the name of this place to something
like The Fan Belt. He laughed and said he liked it but he
don’t wanna pay for new stationery.
SCOOP
You expecting Super Bowl Sunday to be any different for you
guys?
PINTO
Busier. Better tips if the guy’s team has won. It’s still a
Sunday, most of ‘em gotta work in the morning.
FLASH
You gonna show the game?
PINTO
Naw, we don’t shit for reception. But fuck, we could put
in a tape of last years game and the morons wouldn’t know.
We’ll get a post game crowd.
(Sparky and Spare enter. Sparky is younger with some verve
and energy. Spare is more house wifey.)
6
SPARKY
You ready for us?
PINTO
This is Sparky and Spare. This is a news lady from Seattle
and … what, your photographer?
FLASH
That’s me.
SPARE
I don’t want my face in the paper. If that’s OK, Pinto.
PINTO
I don’t really care. (To Flash and Scoop) You guys can sit
down.
(Scoop goes to sit down, Flash makes big “not there”
gestures with his arm.)
SCOOP
What’s your problem?
FLASH
You do not want to sit there.
SCOOP
Why the fuck not?
FLASH
Those are…uh, special seats.
SCOOP
Too good for me?
FLASH
Can you trust me?
SCOOP
You’re being weird.
FLASH
Those are the chairs guys sit in for lap dances.
SCOOP
You mean (Makes the universal Jack-Off gesture.)
7
FLASH
Yeah.
SCOOP
Thanks for the heads up. Although, later I’ll be asking how
you knew that.
PINTO
OK, Spare. Show me your entrance and a couple moves.
SPARE
Yeah.
(She starts to cross.)
PINTO
OK. Head still, jiggle the tits, shake the butt. Spare,
stop. What the fuck are you doing?
SPARE
I’m doing just what you said.
PINTO
Can you give me a smile? Pretend you’re not miserable.
Miserable isn’t sexy.
(Spare plasters a smile on her face.)
SPARE
Better?
PINTO
Hey, you’re the one working for tips here. OK, sit. Sparky,
what do you have?
SPARKY
Here it goes.
(She starts across.)
PINTO
OK. OK. Girl, what are you doing with your ass?
SPARKY
Uh, shaking it?
8
PINTO
You look like a dog wagging its tail. It’s
(Points at Flash) Did you think that was sexy?
not
sexy.
FLASH
Uh.
PINTO
The answer is no. No it is not. I bet this reporter could
do a better job. C’mon.
SCOOP
Me?
PINTO
Yeah. Why not.
SCOOP
Bar open yet? Can’t do it without booze.
(Pinto hands Scoop a flask, she swigs.
puts his camera on his knee and aims.
cross.)
Flash carefully
Scoop starts to
FLASH
Yes.
SCOOP
Hey, (Pointing at Flash) Lens cap back on, buddy!
FLASH
Two more seconds and I’d have had you.
EDDIE
Maybe something domestic. A husband and wife getting a
divorce because they support different teams. Ooh, ooh! I
know. A pregnant lady who is due on the day of the game!
Like she’s gonna have a caesarian on Saturday so as not to
miss it! Or, you could hang out in the maternity ward and
find a baby born at kick off time. No, I’m dreaming here.
PINTO
OK. Why don’t you show me your costumes. We can practice
more dancing later.
9
(Sparky and Spare cross to Pinto. Sparky
wardrobe bag, Spare has a brown paper sack.)
has
a
nice
SPARKY
This was my mom’s!
(Pinto takes Sparky’s costume and holds it up. It is an odd
thing of gauze and sequins.)
PINTO
Fucking vintage this girl’s got. What about you?
(Spare hands her the bag, Pinto pulls out some
fabric.)
white
SPARE
It’s all I had.
PINTO
Spare, honey. Is this your bathing suit?
SPARE
Yeah.
Just your
pilling.
regular
old
PINTO
bathing
suit?
Oh,
jeeze.
It’s
SCOOP
Pilling?
FLASH
When you get those little balls. Usually on the butt, but
if girls have really big…uh, breasts, it can happen
underneath.
SCOOP
Good to know.
PINTO
Honey. No. We are not that low yet.
SPARE
I won’t be wearing it for long.
SPARKY
My mom always said, first impressions are important.
PINTO
10
That’s great, Sparky. Look, I think we can find something.
Go to dressing room, the locker that says Slant Six, look
through her stuff. She’s not gonna need it for a while.
She’s doing six months in county for assaulting her gramma.
Oh, but, uh, don’t put it
on now. Take it home, wrap it
and saran and stick it in the freezer over night. You’ll
thank me. (To Sparky): Take five.
SCOOP
Hey, Sparky. Can we talk to you for a minute.
EDDIE
Find me someone whose life is gonna change because of this
game!
SPARKY
This is a really good break for me.
SCOOP
Yeah? How so?
SPARKY
Well, it’s not always easy to get a job dancing. And it’s
not gonna be just this dancing. I’m going into the
entertainment industry. Or modeling. But this is a good
start. And I know they said it was just for this busy
weekend, but I just know they’ll keep me on. Right?
SCOOP
Sure.
SPARKY
I sing too. I mean, they aren’t going to want me to sing
here. Probably. It’s not that kind of place. What do you
think? Think they’ll let me sing? Like maybe on a Tuesday?
My mom always said Tuesday were bad days for dancers. So do
you think they’ll go for it?
SCOOP
I really don’t know. You said your mom was a stripper.
SPARKY
Dancer. Yeah. She taught me some stuff.
SCOOP
Like tassel twirling?
11
SPARKY
Yeah grandma! Jeeze, you’re kidding right? Nobody does that
anymore.
FLASH
Yeah, grandma.
SPARKY
My mom says that the big change is the amount of time from
all your clothes to none of ‘em. It used to be like, twelve
minutes. Now you’ve got like one and a half to show a boob
and you better be stark by five.
SCOOP
I blame the internet.
SPARKY
Hey! That’s what my mom said! (Phone rings, Sparky looks at
it.) It’s my boyfriend, I gotta take this.
FLASH
So, Pinto. No pole?
PINTO
Naw. It was getting to be a liability. Lot of our dancers
are getting older. They were just kind of leaning on it.
And Larry, bless his fucking heart doesn’t like to fire
people. Well, that’s not true. He got sued once by a girl
in a wheelchair, now he’s scared shitless to can anybody.
This used to be a good place to work. I tell you, we have
slid. We are one step above a jack shack.
(Spare re-enters)
SPARE
I found a leopardy thing. That OK?
PINTO
Is it gonna be tight on you?
SPARE
I think so.
PINTO
You do have heels, don’t you?
SPARE
12
Yeah.
PINTO
Hang loose while I pee, will you? I had some surgery down
there over Christmas and now I gotta take a whiz every five
minutes.
(Pinto walks off.)
SCOOP
Hey. Can I ask a couple questions?
SPARE
Free country.
EDDIE
Someone whose whole fucking life is
because of this god damn football game!
gonna
turn
around
SCOOP
What made you decide to become a dancer?
SPARE
Oh, I’m not a dancer. Friend of mine – Shirley?—Oh, I guess
they call her Speed Trap here. She told me about this.
And what made it
SCOOP
sound good?
SPARE
Well, it’s eighteen bucks an hour plus tips. That’s good,
right? See, my husband – Gary? – he’s over at GM on the
line. I bring in extra money sometimes, just cause. You
know how it is, kids always need something. Sneakers or
backpacks or cough medicine. And Gary’s so good to ‘em, but
they’re not his, so for the extra stuff, I like to pay for
it myself. Oh, and those pudding cups. The kids love those
pudding cups.
SCOOP
And you’ve never done this before?
SPARE
Nope. But I figured it’s gonna be mostly guys from out of
town. So it’ll be all right. Anymore questions? ‘Cause I’d
like to grab a smoke before Pinto gets back.
SCOOP
13
Don’t let me keep you.
SPARE
Thanks.
(Scoop and Flash are quiet for a minute.)
SCOOP
You’re not taking any pictures.
FLASH
Like they’d print ‘em?
SCOOP
You never know. There enough light in here?
FLASH
(Checking out a stain) Too much.
SCOOP
Hmm. You know anything about scratch and sniff technology?
You think they’d spring for it for this story?
FLASH
Oh, yeah, that delightful Pinesol and Spooge blend. Just
what people want with their coffee.
SCOOP
Hey, if the JOA fails, this may be my future.
FLASH
Maybe for both of us.
SCOOP
You really should get some shots. Oh, or are you waiting
for the action to heat up?
FLASH
Oh, yeah.
SCOOP
Just no faces, remember?
FLASH
Just the beaver.
14
SCOOP
And only the beaver.
FLASH
Oh, god. Wouldn’t that be something? Front page, above the
fold, right under the flag.
A big old snatch sandwiched
between an article about the state budget and a blurb about
gardening tips in section B.
SCOOP
OK, for the record, never again use the words “snatch” and
“sandwiched” in the same sentence.
(They both laugh. Scoop pulls out a bottle of hooch she has
with her. Drinks and passes it to Flash.)
FLASH
We are getting old.
SCOOP
Mighty old.
FLASH
Too old to be doing this much longer.
SCOOP
Good thing the PI has the best retirement policy in town.
FLASH
Really?
SCOOP
Yeah, when it’s time, they take you out back and shoot you.
(Scoop and Flash continue to drink.)
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