1
The Don Juan Cult Concerto
by
Paul Mullin
PLACE:
Seattle
TIME:
1995-98
CHARACTERS:
Les, late 20’s
Jonathan, early 30’s
Noëlle, mid 20’s
Jenny, mid 20’s
Gretchen, 20’s or 30’s
ACT I
(A tight special lights Les.)
LES: 1995. Seattle hadn’t changed yet. The wave was cresting,
but no one was really sure if it would break, or how to surf it
when it did. Cobain had already blown himself away, but that
seemed more like part of the times than an end to them. Hell,
Pearl Jam was still putting out good albums. The Kingdome still
stood and Sweet Lou still threw the best tantrums since Earl
Weaver in it. The Stranger was only mildly annoying, and everyone
only read the “I Saw You’s” and “Hey Faggot” anyway. The Honey
Bear in Wallingford still baked the best blueberry scones
anywhere. Fremont didn’t suck. And the greatest interior space
that ever existed, the 211 Pool Hall in Belltown, had not yet been
utterly burned out by some idiot’s electrical fire.
I was still single, still drinking, childless-- as far as I
knew-- and pretty damned convinced I was happy.... But what the
fuck did I know?
1995 was when I first met Jonathan. I can’t say whether I
immediately despised him... but... it was close.
bar.
(Lights expand to reveal Les standing behind a
Jonathan enters and sits at a stool.)
Hi’ya.
© Paul Mullin 2004
219473899 7/12/2016
2
JONATHAN:
LES:
Beer?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Actually, I’m looking for someone who works here.
I work here.
JONATHAN:
LES:
No thank you.
What can I do for you?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Pardon?
Would you like a beer?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Good afternoon.
I’m looking for a Les Newman.
I’m a Les Newman.
(Jonathan stands, extends his hand.)
JONATHAN:
Hello, Les.
I’m your brother.
(Les simply stares.)
I’m your brother, Jonathan.... Les?
LES:
Half-brother.
JONATHAN:
LES:
You want something to drink or not.
JONATHAN:
LES: Yes.
on me.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Yes, that’s right.
Do I have to have something to drink?
I mean... it’s a bar.
Uh... all right.
Have a goddamned drink.
It’s
Do you have a pinot?
A “pinot”?
JONATHAN:
Yes.
LES: You’re in one of Seattle’s best microbreweries, you want a
... red wine?
219473899 7/12/2016
3
JONATHAN:
Pinot noir, if you have it.
(Les simply stares for a moment, then...)
LES:
All right, whatever.
Hold on.
(Les steps off for a moment, then returns with a
bottle that he then corks and pours.)
What’s your middle name?
JONATHAN:
LES:
When were you born?
JONATHAN:
LES:
1963.
What’s Tulips Newman’s first live release?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Thelonious.
I’m not a big fan.
You’re the man’s son, you don’t know his discography?
JONATHAN:
“The Village...” something.
LES: “Diaries... The Village Diaries”. You should check it out
some time. Your namesake Monk sits in for three numbers.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Whatever.
JONATHAN:
LES:
My tastes run more to the classical.
It’s good to finally meet you.
Why?
JONATHAN:
Why?
LES: Let’s say you are my brother-- my half-brother, Tulips
Newman’s first-born bastard. Why? Why look me up? Why now?
JONATHAN: I just arrived in town a few days ago.
said you were living out here.
LES:
“Dad”.
Dad’s estate
I don’t deal with Tulips’ estate.
219473899 7/12/2016
4
JONATHAN:
You cash the checks.
LES: Sometimes. When I need ‘em.
talk about the estate?
Is that why you’re here?
To
JONATHAN: No. Frankly, I think you probably deserve more of a
share than they give you but...
LES:
But your mother screwed us all, so...
JONATHAN:
LES:
I don’t wanna talk about my mother.
Fine.
JONATHAN: I came by because I’m new to Seattle and thought I’d
say hello. I’ve been commissioned by the symphony to compose a
concerto.
(Lights specify to Les.)
LES: And this is where I should’ve just bounced his sorry ass
for good. Little did I know.
(Lights back up on the full bar.)
Is that a fact?
JONATHAN:
LES:
I didn’t know people still did that.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Did what?
Composed concertos.
JONATHAN:
LES:
It is, in fact, a fact.
They do.
I do.
Well... that’ s...
(Special up on Noëlle, holding a half-filled
champagne flute in one hand and a half-eaten
chocolate-dipped strawberry in the other.)
LES & NOËLLE (simultaneously):
JONATHAN (turning to Noëlle):
Fascinating.
Do you really think so?
219473899 7/12/2016
5
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
Of course.
My name is Jonathan Newman.
Yes, the maestro’s pet prodigy.
Oh, are you a musician?
I’m a soprano.
Ah, a soprano.
Why do you say it like that?
Like what?
NOËLLE: “Ah, a soprano.”
could be from a musician.
Like it’s the furthest thing a person
JONATHAN: Nonsense. I adore opera. As a matter of fact, my
concerto is inspired by the greatest opera of all time.
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
And that would be?
Don Giovanni, of course.
I’m debuting in the upcoming production of Figaro.
How nice for you.
So a Don Giovanni concerto?
Well, I prefer the Spanish, “Don Juan”.
A Don Juan Concerto.
That’s right.
LES & NOËLLE (simultaneously):
JONATHAN (turning to Les):
Fascinating.
Do you really think so?
(Cross-fade from Noëlle to Les.)
LES: My brother-- half-brother-- discovered a fact known to all
true losers and drunks: bartenders are a captive audience.
219473899 7/12/2016
6
JONATHAN: It really is fascinating. The idea is to break the
sequence of seduction into is elemental parts and assign them
music. So, you have to ask yourself, what’s an essential part
of any seduction.
LES:
I wouldn’t know.
JONATHAN: Sure you would. We’re all Don Juan’s to some extent.
Don’t over think it. It’s really basic.
LES:
I’m stumped.
JONATHAN: It’s almost too obvious, really; but in order for Don
Juan to seduce a woman, he must see her for the first time. I
call this “First Vision.” And I give it a theme.
(He plays his fingers over the bar as if it were
a piano. A short motif is heard-- the First Vision
theme.
Jonathan looks over at Noëlle. Her champagne
flute is full and her chocolate strawberry unbitten.
Her eyes meet his and they stare entranced at each
other. Finally Jonathan tears his gaze away from her
and talks to Les.)
JONATHAN:
Now, what else has to happen?...
(Les shrugs.)
Well, he needs to make contact somehow, doesn’t he? I’ve
taken to calling this step “First Flattery” for reasons you’ll
see when we come to reiterations of this theme, i.e., “Second”
and “Third Flattery”, but I’m getting ahead of myself. “First
Flattery”.
(The lights shift back to Noëlle. Jonathan
approaches her, but continues speaking to Les.)
Now keep in mind, the first contact needn’t be obviously
flattering. For those targeted by the great Don Juan, any
contact at all is a form of flattery, isn’t it?
(to Noëlle)
Is your name Christiana?
(A different theme plays: “First Flattery”.)
219473899 7/12/2016
7
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
No, I’m Noëlle.
Ah.
I’m sorry.
I thought you were someone else.
(He turns back to Les at the bar.)
Now Second Flattery always follows First Flattery by
definition, but it needn’t follow Second Vision. It just
depends.
(Jonathan clumsily backs into Noëlle.)
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
Excuse me.
Oh my god, I’m terribly sorry.
It’s quite all right.
I’m afraid I’m in a terrible state of befuddlement.
No need to worry.
JONATHAN: You’re sure you’re not named “Christiana”?
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
Quite sure.
It’s just that...
It’s just that what?
JONATHAN: I was told to meet a woman named Christiana in the
mezzanine during intermission. I was told she’d be the most
beautiful woman here. And... that’s you.
(The Second Flattery theme plays-- similar to the
first, but augmented some how.)
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
Sorry.
I’m Noëlle.
Noëlle.
(He stares again.
augmentation plays.)
NOËLLE:
Entranced.
The Second Vision
A Polaroid might last longer.
219473899 7/12/2016
8
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
You think I’m giving you a line about this Christiana.
Never.
I swear to you, she’s supposed to exist.
Fascinating.
Do you really think so?
Of course.
My name is Jonathan Newman.
Yes, the maestro’s pet prodigy.
Oh, are you a musician?
I’m a soprano.
Ah, a soprano.
(Jonathan circles Noëlle during the following,
then crosses to Les.)
Flattery and vision. These two related motifs can be
arranged in counter-point, expanding and illuminating each other
in their polyphony.
But so far, that’s just flirtation. For seduction, there
needs to be-NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
Sex.
Consummation.
(Jonathan plays on the bar.
Consummation theme is heard.)
Lights out on Noëlle.)
The First
Or sex, if you will. Or “making love” if you’d rather. It
hardly matters what words you use, it’s music we’re making after
all.
So, ten simple steps. First, second and third vision,
first, second and third flattery, first, second and third
consummation, weaving together, warp and woof, inevitability and
surprise, to create a fabric of ever mutable beauty.
219473899 7/12/2016
9
LES:
That’s only nine.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Pardon?
I only count nine steps.
JONATHAN: Aha! Very astute, Les. You’ve noticed that I’ve
neglected to introduce the key moment. The moment that defines
the entire progression as Don Juan’s... The break.
(With both hands Jonathan pounds out a triplet of
chords on the bar.)
Without it our music has no meaning, no pathos, no depth.
Now keep in mind, my brother, the Break need not, in fact
should not come at the end of our progression. For instance I
often like to pace it fairly early, right after Second Consummation, which tends to give Final Flattery and Vision, not to
mention Final Consummation, a wonderfully poignant resonance.
LES:
Right.
JONATHAN:
So you’re an asshole.
How do you mean?
LES: Woman aren’t... aren’t....
one and avoid “the break”.
JONATHAN:
LES:
We’re all either predators or prey.
Do this a lot, do you?
JONATHAN:
to write.
LES:
And how’s that been working out for you?
None of your fucking business.
JONATHAN:
LES:
You really buy into that?
‘Fraid so.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Oh no.
What?
JONATHAN:
LES:
The point is to find the right
As often as I can.
It’s research.
I have a concerto
You fuck ‘em three times, then you kick ‘em to the curb?
219473899 7/12/2016
10
How can you face these women?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Face?
What do you say when you’re done running your little game?
JONATHAN: What do I say? What don’t I say? Remember, my
brother, it’s about creativity or nothing at all.
(Jonathan crosses down into a special.)
Look. We need to talk. I don’t think... I don’t feel...
that we can go on like this. I am truly afraid of hurting you
and of hurting myself. I love you. I know it’s crazy, but I
feel like I love you too much.
(The heavy chord triplet of The Break sounds.)
Or... sometimes, with some women, bless their hearts, it’s
enough to simply say: “I don’t love you.”
(The Break sounds again, and after each of the
following.)
Or... I like you.
Or... I don’t like you.
I love someone else.
I love another woman.
I love another man.
I love two other men.
I’m incapable of love.
I hate you.
I hate myself.
I’m poison.
I’m not who you think I am.
I’m not human.
I’m disturbed.
You’re disturbed.
We’re disturbed.
We’re better than this.
I’m an ex-con.
I’m a psychopath.
I’m deeply... deeply... conservative.
I’m broke.
The nature of my true work is so secret and dangerous that
I’ll never be able to truly let you into my heart.
I’m dying.
219473899 7/12/2016
11
You’re dying.
I haven’t lived.
(Lights shift as Jonathan crosses back to Les.)
It can be anything. Sometimes I lie, but almost always
only when I think they want me to.
LES:
How noble.
JONATHAN: I refer you to your Nietzsche, Les:
done for love is beyond good and evil.”
LES:
“Whatever is
Nietzsche was a horse-smooching twat.
JONATHAN: Be that as it may. The only time I’m not completely
satisfied with my system is when the end comes too easily.
(Lights shift. Jonathan crosses center to meet
Noëlle, who stands clutching an overcoat to herself.)
JONATHAN:
Thanks for meeting me.
NOËLLE: No problem. I’ve never been to this park before.
didn’t even know it was here. It’s beautiful.
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
Yes.
It is.
Look.
I
Noëlle, I--
Ah, I was right.
What?
Why you asked me to meet you.
What do you mean?
No, go ahead.
(pause)
No really.
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
I’m sorry.
All right....
Go ahead.
Noëlle, look, I--
You’re so cute.
Uh... Thanks.
Really.
That means a lot to me, but--
219473899 7/12/2016
12
we need to talk.
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
I don’t think--
Think?
I don’t feel-Oh, “feel”.
--That... that we can on like this.
Like what?
Well... I am truly afraid of hurting you...
Oh.
And of hurting myself.
Uh-huh.
I’m not who you think I am.
Oooh.
What?
I like that one.
What?
No.
I’m sorry.
Go ahead.
Well... I just think that... you’re better than this.
Mmmm.
No.
That one doesn’t work for me as much?
What-- what are you talking about?
And are you always this slow?
Slow?
The Break.
Is it always this hesitant and faltering?
Noëlle, I-I mean, couldn’t you just say it?
219473899 7/12/2016
13
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
Say what?
“I wanna stop fucking.”
What?
I mean, don’t you?
Don’t I what?
Wanna stop fucking.
JONATHAN: Well I...I don’t suppose I’d put so fine a point on
it... but-NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
But that’s what you want, right?
I... I’m afraid so.
Okay.
Good.
I mean, you are so fabulous, but I-Mmmm, Final Flattery.
What?
“I’m so fabulous.”
That’s the Final Flattery, right?
I-- I don’t know what you’re talking about?
NOËLLE: I’m talking about structure, Jonathan.
Ten easy steps?
JONATHAN:
Your concerto.
How... do you know...?
NOËLLE: I got a little peek at your fellowship proposal.
all in there.
JONATHAN:
It’s
I had no idea that was public information.
NOËLLE: I don’t imagine it is. But it’s fascinating, nonetheless. I imagine you’ve been researching this for quite some time.
JONATHAN: No. No. Not at all. Not really. That’s just a
made-up structure for composition’s sake. You can’t believe I
219473899 7/12/2016
14
actually use those ten steps myself.
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
You don’t?
No.
NOËLLE: What a pity. I’m interested in learning more about it,
and by my count, we’ve only had First and Second consummation.
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
Well-And what about Final Vision?
Final Vision?
(Noëlle turns upstage and opens her overcoat to
Jonathan.)
NOËLLE:
Final Vision.
(Cross-fade back to the bar.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Why on earth would you do something like that?
Well, unlike you I have a heart.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Why?
I thought I told you: I have officially sworn off women.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Oh, yeah.
I’ll pass.
JONATHAN:
LES:
I think I’ve found the perfect woman for you, Les.
Oh yeah.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Noëlle exits.)
And?
Subject to breaking.
JONATHAN: Oh Les, there’s plenty more where those come from.
Hearts are sharks’ teeth: you break ‘em, they grow back. You’ll
change your mind. One look at this one and you’ll swear off
swearing off. I’ll have her come by some night. You’ll see.
219473899 7/12/2016
15
(Jonathan exits.)
LES:
Yeah, yeah.
I’ll see.
(Lights dip, then rise. A woman, Jenny, enters
and takes a stool. She looks up and recognizes Les.)
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Hi, Les.
Hi.
You don’t remember me, do you?
LES: Uh... I remember your face. Very much so, very much so.
You cocktail down at the Romper Room.
JENNY (a noise like a game show buzzer):
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
RRNRNRNN!
Right, no, you’re an intern at the radio station.
RRNRNRNN!
We were lovers in a past life.
Don’t believe in ‘em.
Lovers in a future life.
Good try....
RRNRNRNN!
You’re my long lost daughter?
Not unless you were a very precocious pre-schooler.
LES: All right, we’ve never seen each other before in our
lives, you discovered my name using acute psychic powers, and
you’re only doing this to torture me.
JENNY: RRNRNRNN! No psychic powers, beyond, you know, the
normal witchy female intuition thing. And torture turns me off.
Sorry. Call me old-fashioned.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
I give up.
Sure.
Okay.
You wanna drink?
Beer I guess.
What flavor?
219473899 7/12/2016
16
JENNY:
LES:
What do you recommend for a woman of mystery?
Hefeweizen.
JENNY:
LES:
Gesundheit!
And funny, too.
JENNY:
LES:
You wanna lemon with that.
Does it usually come with a lemon?
Yes it does.
JENNY:
Then sure, give me a lemon.
Wouldn’t wanna get scurvy.
(Les pulls her a draft of hefeweizen, looking
over occasionally to figure out who the hell she is.)
Want a hint?
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Yes, please.
I’ll give you two words... Greg Wolfe.
Used to play in a band with Greg Wolfe.
JENNY: RRNRNRNN! I’m his sister.
when you came to Spokane.
LES:
JENNY:
Oh my god, wait.
You’re a groupie?
I saw you guys play once,
You’re the Lilac Queen!
Oh no!
(She hides her head in her arms.)
LES: You’re the Lilac Queen!
parade.
JENNY: Was it that year?
so humiliated.
LES: You were great.
Elizabeth wave.
Greg made us all go to the
That’s right, it was.
Oh man, I am
Up there on your float, doing your Queen
(Les gives it a try.)
JENNY:
No, watch.
It’s elbow elbow wrist wrist... elbow elbow
219473899 7/12/2016
17
wrist wrist... and touch the pearls for a rest.
LES: Oh that’s excellent.
wrist wrist.
I gotta remember that.
Elbow elbow
(Jenny reaches for her purse.)
LES:
JENNY:
No, no.
It’s on me.
No, come on.
LES: Whaddya crazy?
for a drink.
JENNY:
Really?
Think I’m gonna let the Lilac Queen pay
Well, thanks, Les.
LES:
My pleasure.
How is Greg?
years.
Haven’t see that boy in like-- jesus--five
JENNY: He’s fine. He’s fat.
little boy on the way.
LES:
JENNY:
Jesus.
He’s got two little girls and a
The drummer of the Nads is a daddy.
He loves it.
Time to die.
He teaches music at our old high school.
LES: That’s awesome. Tell him I said hi. Fuck that. Tell
numb-nuts to pick up a phone some time, give his front man a
shout.
JENNY:
I’ll do that.
LES: You living here now?
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Yup.
Cool.
Getting my masters at the U, physical therapy.
What brings you in this dump?
Oh, I’m meeting somebody.
Oh, well, cool.
JENNY: Yeah, I mean, I just met him but he seems nice.
I don’t know--I’m sorta coming out of a pretty hellish
relationship so... nice is nice.
And...
219473899 7/12/2016
18
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
I hear that.
What’s he do?
He’s a composer.
Oh... that’s uh... great.
There he is now.
(Enter Jonathan.)
LES:
JENNY:
There he is.
Hi.
JONATHAN:
Hello there.
I hope I’m not too late.
JENNY: No, no. I’ve just been talking to an old acquaintance
of mine. Jonathan Newman this is Les... Newman.
JONATHAN AND LES (simultaneously):
We’ve met.
JENNY: Hey! You guys have the same last name.
related, are you?
JONATHAN: Actually-We’re brothers.
You’re not
LES (same time):
JONATHAN AND LES (simultaneously):
No relation.
I’m kidding.
(pause)
JONATHAN:
No relation.
LES (same time):
brothers.
We’re half
(pause)
JONATHAN AND LES (simultaneously):
(Pause.
JENNY:
He’s pulling your leg.
Jonathan shrugs, amused.
Okay... that was weird.
Les seethes.)
I guess it really doesn’t matter.
JONATHAN AND LES (simultaneously):
I guess not.
(pause)
JENNY:
Jonathan, did you want a drink?
219473899 7/12/2016
19
JONATHAN:
recital.
JENNY:
No.
We’d better get going if we want to catch the
Oh, okay.
(Jenny stands and puts on her coat.)
LES: Hey... uh... Greg Wolfe’s sister... um... I’m sorry; it’s
been too long. What was your name?
JENNY:
Jenny.
LES:
Jenny.
Jenny.
Well, good seeing you again, Jenny Wolfe.
LES:
You too, Les Newman.
(They exit.
JONATHAN:
LES:
After a beat, Jonathan reenters.)
By the way, Noëlle’s coming by the bar tonight.
Noëlle?
JONATHAN: The one I told you about? You’ll grow a new shark’s
tooth for? Try and stay with me, Les. I know it’s hard. She’s
a Tulips Newman fan. I told her you had lots of stories.
LES:
As per usual, Jonathan, no clue what you’re talking about.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Never mind.
You’ll see.
Fine. I’ll see.
And I did. I saw.
(Lights shift.
JONATHAN:
A special lights Jonathan.)
First Vision.
(The theme is heard. Lights shift to Noëlle
sitting at the bar. Les pours her a glass of wine.)
NOËLLE:
LES:
Thanks.
You’re welcome.
(They stare at each other for a lingering, almost
uncomfortable moment. The Second Vision theme plays.)
219473899 7/12/2016
20
So.
NOËLLE:
LES:
So uh... where are you from originally?
NOËLLE:
LES:
Here.
Seattle?
NOËLLE:
LES:
Originally?
Yeah.
NOËLLE:
LES:
So.
Yes.
Cool.
NOËLLE:
Why is it cool?
LES: I don’t know. I’ve always been impressed by native
Seattleites. You know, seeing the town grown up from this sort
of backwater company town.
NOËLLE: I got news for you. It’s still a backwater company
town, and it probably always will be.
LES:
You think?
NOËLLE: The only difference between native Seattleites and
people who’ve moved here is that we’re willing to admit the
truth.
LES:
Which is?
NOËLLE:
LES:
Wow.
NOËLLE:
LES:
We’d all rather live in Europe.
Okay.
So tell me more about Tulips.
Not much to tell.
I met him once when I was four.
NOËLLE: Wow. That must be so... mysterious, being someone so
talented’s son and never really knowing him.
219473899 7/12/2016
21
LES:
Mysterious?
Not quite the word I’d use, but...
NOËLLE (sipping her wine): At least let me give you something
for this one. I can’t sit here all night and drink for free.
LES:
I don’t see why not.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You’re so sweet.
Not really.
NOËLLE:
You are.
I can tell.
(The First Flattery theme is heard.)
LES: Well... thanks.
s’pose.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I’m sure you’re very musical.
Not really.
NOËLLE: Come on.
You’re brother-LES:
Is an up-and-coming composer.
Well, I did play in a band once, but... not very well.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You’re father was famous trumpet player.
Half brother.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Flattery will get you everywhere, I
No.
NOËLLE:
Please.
I bet you were great.
I was not great.
Trust me.
What did you play?
LES: Well... I sang lead and played the piano, though sadly I
was ultimately unable to incorporate that particular instrument
into the Grunge oeuvre.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Do you still play?
Not really.
NOËLLE:
Really?
I host a public radio show on KCMU, though.
What kind of show?
219473899 7/12/2016
22
LES:
Well... I play Elvis Costello.
NOËLLE:
Oh.
Great.
LES: No, that’s it.
Costello radio show.
NOËLLE:
LES:
And what else?
I play Elvis Costello.
It’s an all Elvis
Oh.
Every Sunday morning at 3:30.
NOËLLE:
Wow.
You must have quite a cult following.
LES: Well... I’m no Jim Jones or anything, but occasionally
people call to tell me they like it. Very occasionally.
NOËLLE:
Mmmm....
Who’s Jim Jones?
LES: Are you kidding? Jim Jones? The Guyana Tragedy? The
People’s Temple? They shot a congressman and the entire cult
offed themselves by chugging cyanide-flavored Kool Aid?
NOËLLE:
LES:
Yeah, but no: worse!
NOËLLE:
LES:
Oh, like David Koresh.
Never heard of him.
Really?
NOËLLE:
When were you born?
1972.
LES: I was born in ’67.
days?
NOËLLE:
Way worse.
Jesus!
How long is a generation these
I probably would’ve gotten it if you said David Koresh.
LES: Okay, yeah, but Jim Jones is funnier. I mean, first of
all it just sounds funnier-- “Jim Jones”-- and secondly,
anything involving Kool Aid is just... well, inherently funny.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Mmmm.
Whatever.
NOËLLE:
Never mind.
I’m an idiot.
No, I must be the idiot if I didn’t get it.
219473899 7/12/2016
23
LES: No. It’s an obscure reference. Apparently no one born
after ’68 would be old enough to remember. Anyway...
Look, I should probably get back to... work... ‘cuz... ah,
fuck it. It’s a slow night.
(He hollers offstage as unties his apron:)
Jackie, I’m going off.
(He tosses his apron, then hops up on the bar and
pivots over it, landing in a stool next to Noëlle.)
NOËLLE:
Wow.
Very impressive.
LES: Thank you very much. What were we talking about again?...
Oh right, Elvis. So are you a fan?
NOËLLE:
LES:
You mean Costello?
There’s another?
(Lights shift.
Les turns to the audience.)
And so we talked and we chatted-- about me, about her,
about Elvis, the Living-- and all I’m thinking about is her
hair, her lips, her beautiful, half-hidden breasts and what it
would be like to hold them from behind.
(Fade to half on Les and Noëlle; and up on Jenny
and Jonathan sitting at the table, drinking tea.)
JONATHAN:
So why do you want to be a physical therapist?
JENNY: Oh, I don’t know, I guess, you know, all the usual trite
reasons: I like people, I want to help them, don’t want to work
in an office, yadidahdidah.... You really want to know?
JONATHAN:
Why else would I ask?
JENNY: Well... the truth is... and I don’t usually let people
in on this, but... a few months before my grandmother died she
had a massive left hemisphere stroke. Couldn’t talk, couldn’t
walk, couldn’t move the entire right side of her body. I went
to the hospital once to visit her and I... couldn’t deal. She
just sat there, looking at me, face drooping, and I... could not
deal. And I never went back. Never saw her again.
219473899 7/12/2016
24
JONATHAN:
So it’s really guilt that motivates you.
JENNY: Oh, big time. Sure. But also, I think, a bizarre
compulsion to face the things that scare the crap outta me.
JONATHAN:
Fascinating.
You’re a fascinating person, Jenny.
(The First Flattery theme plays.)
JENNY: And you’re quite the flatterer, aren’t you?... But, no-Thank you. I’m trying to be better about taking compliments,
so... thank you.
(Jonathan stands and follows a cross-fade back to
Les at the bar. Noëlle simply sips her wine during
the following.)
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’m not exactly sure what to do about Jenny.
Not falling for your shtick, hunh?
JONATHAN: No. It’s not that. I’m fairly certain I could run
her through the ten steps with relative ease, but... I’m afraid
it wouldn’t have much... meaning.
LES:
You’re worried about meaning?
JONATHAN: I don’t want to be just some guy she sleeps with and
then gets over in a few days.
LES:
Why?
What do you care?
JONATHAN: Les, as my research deepens I’ve begun to realize
that for the progression to have import there needs to be a
certain amount of devastation at the moment of the break.
LES:
You ever been devastated?
JONATHAN: No, but I’m open to the possibility... from a
research point of view.
LES: Asshole, this girl happens to be the sister of a very good
friend of mine.
JONATHAN: Yes, she told me. Small world.
Oh, by the way, Noëlle speaks highly of you.
219473899 7/12/2016
25
LES:
Is that a fact?
JONATHAN: It is, in fact, a fact.
is endearing.
You’re affected nonchalance
LES: Look, you introduced me to this girl.
take it from here. Okay?
Thanks .
JONATHAN: Fine. I just care about you, Les.
brother, for pity’s sake.
LES:
Half-brother.
Now I’ll
You’re my
And fuck for pity’s sake, okay?
JONATHAN: Easy, bro.
that, you know.
Don’t get so agitated.
They can smell
(Jonathan recedes into the half-light.
Les turns back to Noëlle.)
LES:
So can I ask you something?
NOËLLE:
LES:
It’s about Jonathan.
NOËLLE:
LES:
But that’s what you want to know.
Uh... yeah...
NOËLLE:
LES:
Put it that way?
Yeah, no.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You want to know if we fucked.
Well... I... I wouldn’t have-- you know...
NOËLLE:
LES:
What about him?
It’s kind of personal, but... uh...
NOËLLE:
LES:
Shoot.
Why would you want to know that, Les?
Well, I... I don’t know.
NOËLLE:
I guess I’m just--
Do you want to fuck me?
219473899 7/12/2016
26
LES:
No.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I mean-- well, I-‘Cuz if you wanna fuck me, Les, you should let me know.
Well, I’m not--
NOËLLE: ‘Cuz then I could decide if I wanted to fuck you, and
then based on that decision we would either fuck or not fuck but
at least we wouldn’t be wasting our time getting to know each
other or enjoying each other’s company in any way apart from
fucking. Right?
LES:
Um... Christ.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I... I don’t know what... what to...
NOËLLE:
LES:
We won’t fuck.
Okay?
How’s that
Well what, Les?
Cool.
I don’t have an extra helmet with me.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Just drive me home.
I drive a motorcycle.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You wanna drive me home?
Well...
NOËLLE:
LES:
To say?...
Uh...
NOËLLE:
sound?
LES:
Am I wrong?
I don’t like helmets.
Okay.
One second.
(Les grabs his helmet and keys from behind the
bar. Then the two of them walk center. On the way
Les puts on his helmet while Noëlle vigorously musses
her hair. Once center, they turn and face each other.
Les takes off his helmet.)
NOËLLE:
Wow!
That was a kick!
219473899 7/12/2016
27
LES:
Yeah, it’s all right.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Sorry if I squeezed to tight.
Don’t... worry about it.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Well...
Well...
NOËLLE:
LES:
Thanks for the ride.
No problem.
NOËLLE:
LES:
So...
So...
NOËLLE:
LES:
Still just thinking about fucking me, aren’t you?
No--I--no--I--
NOËLLE:
LES:
I thought we said we weren’t gonna fuck.
That’s fine!
NOËLLE:
LES:
Safety first, I always say.
Make up your mind, Les.
I--
NOËLLE:
Good night.
(She goes. Then, so does Les, opposite.
Cross-fade to Jonathan and Jenny at the table.)
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Then you started seeing--
Seeing, cheating.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
You were dating this guy named...
Lance.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Whoa, wait.
All right, cheating with a guy named...
Lance.
219473899 7/12/2016
28
JONATHAN:
Lances?
JENNY:
Okay, see, that’s where you lost me.
There’s two
Two Lances.
Jonathan:
Okay.
(Jenny freezes.
Jonathan turns to Les.)
I’ve solved my conundrum.
LES:
I’m so relieved.
JONATHAN: What Jenny craves most is a man she can trust-- a
true friend.
LES:
Boy is she in for a kick in the head.
JONATHAN: On the contrary. That is exactly what I intend to be
for her: her most trusted confidant.
LES:
Seems like a waste of time if you just wanna nail her.
JONATHAN: Not at all. You’ll see. I intend to give it just as
much time as it takes.
By the way, how are things progressing with the siren of
the sharks’ teeth?
LES: None of your fucking business.
JONATHAN: That bad, huh? Well, don’t despair, Les.
or prey, we’re all just part of the food chain.
LES:
Predator
Fuck you very much, Jonathan.
(Jonathan turns back to Jenny.
JONATHAN:
Lights shift.)
So tell me about Lance One.
JENNY: What’s to tell, really? He was young-- needy and
controlling to the point of being psycho. It was too much.
JONATHAN:
How do you mean?
JENNY: Well, for example? I go on a ski trip without him one
weekend only to come back and find him in the hospital recovering
219473899 7/12/2016
29
from a suicide attempt. He’d gotten so drunk and depressed that
he smashed a beer bottle and slashed his wrists with it.
JONATHAN:
Wow!
JENNY: Yeah, “Wow”. I was like: “Hey, Lance, next time you’re
feeling that way, I want you to go home, draw yourself a nice
hot bath, and cut this way.
(Jenny makes a slashing motion lengthwise.)
JONATHAN:
You said that to him?!
JENNY: No, of course not. No, I took him home like a good
little wifey, nursed him, made nice and resented every
millisecond of it.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
And that’s when you started seeing Lance Two?
Seeing, cheating.
JONATHAN:
Yeah.
You’re pretty honest about that.
JENNY: Well, it’s not something I’m particularly proud of so...
so why not get it out in the open, right? Sort of?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Don’t bother trying to figure it out.
But I like trying to figure you out.
Really?
JONATHAN: Yes.
Jenny.
JENNY:
Why not?
It’s chick logic.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Right.
Really.
Yeah?
JONATHAN: What would you say if I told you that I don’t think
we should try to be lovers? That whatever we have going on
here, this attraction or... That it’s special in it’s own
right. That we shouldn’t try to push past it.
JENNY:
Uh... okay.
JONATHAN:
See, I’ve never been friends with someone as
219473899 7/12/2016
30
beautiful and charming as you and I want to enjoy that,
before... well, without screwing that up. Understand?
JENNY:
Sure.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
You’re gay.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
No, I’m not--
I’m... not.
I’m not.
I believe you.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
No.
Okay.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
You do?
Good, ‘cause... I’m not.
Okay.
(pause)
You really couldn’t blame me for suspecting, could you?
JONATHAN:
Yes!
‘Cause I’m... not.
JENNY: Okay. Listen, if you feel like you don’t want to be
lovers that’s really, really fine by me right now. Let’s be...
friends or whatever.
JONATHAN: Oh, excellent. Music to my ears, literally.
All right... so tell me about Lance Two.
JENNY: Lance Two was what a very astute clinical psychologist
might diagnose as an unhappy asshole.
JONATHAN:
I see.
JENNY: And for reasons I can’t really explain I started to
assume that his unhappiness was my responsibility. I don’t
know: maybe ‘cuz I used him to get out of my relationship with
Lance One.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Didn’t the whole “Lance” thing get confusing?
Actually, it tended to work to my advantage.
For a
219473899 7/12/2016
31
while there it didn’t matter whose name I cried out in bed...
not that I was crying out a lot, mind you.
JONATHAN:
Wow.
JENNY: Yeah....
Hey.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
What?
I think I could like this.
JONATHAN:
This?
JENNY: This not-trying-to-be-lovers thing you suggested.
think I could like it. And you. I’m glad we met.
JONATHAN:
Good.
Good.
Me too, Jenny.
Me too.
(Cross-fade back to the bar.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I
Noëlle enters.)
Hi.
Hi.
NOËLLE: I just wanted to come by and say hi before you got busy
tonight. I have rehearsal at the opera house.
LES:
Oh, well I’m glad you came by.
NOËLLE:
that.
LES:
Good.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I wanted you to know
Thanks.
‘Cause I thought maybe I was a little hard on you.
Hard on me?
NOËLLE:
LES:
I had a good time last night.
When you asked about Jonathan and all.
Oh, no.
You were right.
It’s none of my business.
(Noëlle hands Les an apple.)
NOËLLE:
Here.
219473899 7/12/2016
32
LES:
Thanks.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Thanks.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You should eat fruit; it’s good for you.
Can I see you later?
Tonight?...
NOËLLE:
Maybe.
You wanna come by here after rehearsal?
Maybe you can drive me home again.
LES: Maybe I should get another helmet.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I don’t like helmets.
Oh, that’s right: Danger Girl.
NOËLLE:
You’re cute, you know that?
(The Second Flattery theme plays.)
LES:
Nope.
(She goes.)
Danger Girl thinks I’m cute.
(Les bites the apple.
Lights shift.
Les grabs his helmet from behind the bar. Then
crosses center, where he meets Noëlle. They begin
kissing passionately. Finally she gently pulls away.)
NOËLLE:
LES:
Whoa, wow!
You’re good at this.
Glad you think so.
NOËLLE:
Mmmm.
Sometimes I think kissing is better than sex.
(They start again, and again, she pushes away.)
What do you think?
LES:
What do I think?
NOËLLE:
Yeah.
219473899 7/12/2016
33
LES:
About what?
NOËLLE:
Which is better, kissing or sex?
LES: Oh, well... see I like to mix ‘em together. That way I
don’t have to choose.... Like jelly and peanut butter.
(He kisses her.)
Or Simon and Garfunkel.
(He kisses her.)
Or pomp and circumstance.
NOËLLE: Mmmm. I think kissing’s better, deeper.
consuming. More of a consummation.
It’s more...
(They kiss. The First Consummation theme plays.
Noëlle pushes back.)
Thanks again for the ride.
out of your way.
LES:
No, no.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I know it takes you completely
Not really.
Would you like to come in?
Would I like... I would love to come in-- oh no!
(Les looks at his watch.)
Shit!
NOËLLE:
LES:
What?
My radio show.
NOËLLE:
Oh...
LES: Fuck it.
an old show.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I go on in twenty minutes.
I can make a phone call.
Have my engineer play
Why don’t I just come?
Come?
219473899 7/12/2016
34
NOËLLE:
Yeah, I’d love to watch.
LES: Oh, uh... I never let anyone watch-- the whole anonymityof-radio kink. Why don’t I just call my engin-NOËLLE:
LES:
No.
You should focus on your show.
But I don’t want....
I mean... look, I’d be nervous.
NOËLLE: Oh, come on. I’d like to watch.
come. I promise I’ll behave myself.
LES:
And I’ll come.
You should let me
Oy.
(They kiss. The Second Consummation theme plays.
Lights shift.
Les crosses to a radio console. As Costello’s
“New Amsterdam” fades out, he purrs into the mic:)
LES:
That’s right, all you wretched trainspotters:
“It’s become much too much.
Will I have the possession of everything she touches?
Till I step on the brakes to get out of her clutches?
Till I speak double-Dutch to a real double-duchess?...”
“New Amsterdam” off the fourth album, which was titled?...
That’s right, say it with me now, people-- GET HAPPY!
(Les starts another song, then punches a button
to kill the monitor.)
NOËLLE:
LES:
Can I talk now?
Sure.
NOËLLE:
Why do you call your audience trainspotters?
LES: It’s what Elvis calls ‘em. It’s Limey slang for anyone
who takes their obsessive hobbies too seriously.
NOËLLE (stretching):
I’m sleepy.
LES:
Mmmmm.
It’s late.
NOËLLE:
How much longer is your show?
219473899 7/12/2016
35
LES:
Oh, I got another 80 minutes.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You’re kidding.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You’re leaving?
I’m really sleepy.
Bunch of errands to run tomorrow.
Oh, I thought...
NOËLLE:
LES:
Could you call me a cab?
You thought?
What?
That I’d be driving you home, is all.
NOËLLE: No, I don’t want to be an inconvenience. Finish your
show. Just call me a cab and wait for it with me.
LES:
Wait outside with you?
NOËLLE:
Well, yeah.
LES: But I have--fine. I guess I’ll just put on “The Juliet
Letters.” They always seem to go on forever.
NOËLLE:
Mmm.
Okay.
(Noëlle exits.
Les walks off upstage to get a CD, but instead
re-enters carrying a pair of dress shoes and a neatly
pressed suit in dry cleaner’s plastic. During the
following he strips to his underwear, dabs on some
cologne, and puts on the suit.)
LES: Isn’t it amazing? That sick nervous feeling in your
stomach that you can’t really call a warning signal ‘cuz if it
were a warning signal there might be a chance in hell you’d
actually listen to it?
(Noëlle steps back onstage.)
It’s been a month now. No sex. As in, whatsoever. A
little mashing, but not even much of that. She tends to pull
away if it gets too heavy. Then she shakes her head, looks up
at me with those wide, dewy, devastating eyes and says-NOËLLE:
I--I know you don’t understand-- I don’t understand.
219473899 7/12/2016
I
36
really don’t want to make you... as sad and confused as I am.
LES:
Okay...
NOËLLE:
LES:
Why do you believe me?
I...
NOËLLE:
LES:
You believe me?
I believe you.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Do you believe me?
I believe you.
NOËLLE:
LES:
That’s good, right?
I don’t know.
Shouldn’t I?
God, you are so...
I’m so what?
NOËLLE:
...Good.
(The Third Flattery theme plays.
Noëlle exits.)
LES:
I’m good.
Tonight I go to the opera. Wonders never cease. I had
Sonics tix with my buddy Jamie-- eight rows back. That close,
if you’re lucky, you’ll sometimes get the occasional sprinkling
of sweat from Kemp or Payton, like a blessing of holy water.
But I am good. Tonight I got to the opera, my heart dropping through my insides like diarrhea. Blunders never cease.
(Les crosses to the bar and pours himself a glass
of champagne. Then, taking up a single long-stemmed
red rose, he wanders back downstage.
Enter Jonathan and Jenny, both dressed for the
opera, both also drinking champagne.)
JENNY: That was great! My first time at the opera and I have a
foremost up-and-coming composer as my escort.
JONATHAN:
I wouldn’t say “foremost”.
JENNY: Well, that’s what that guy who just got done waving a
stick in front of the orchestra said.
219473899 7/12/2016
37
JONATHAN: The maestro’s a flatterer.
conversation.
JENNY:
With me?
He was just making
Why would he bother?
JONATHAN: Let’s see: you’re young, beautiful.
much his only prerequisites.
JENNY:
You think he was coming on to me?
JONATHAN:
I don’t think.
JENNY:
Whatever.
were just friends.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
I thought we
May be, but I can still be jealous.
Why, yes it is.
Why, yes he does.
He looks lonely.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Besides, what do you care?
Aw, and he’s got a rose.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
I know.
Hey, it’s Les!
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Those are pretty
Does he?
Let’s go talk to him.
JONATHAN:
Oh my yes, let’s.
(Jenny, with Jonathan following, crosses to Les.)
JENNY:
LES:
Hey you.
Hey!
JONATHAN: Hello, Les.
good friend, Jenny.
LES:
Funny meeting you here.
You remember my
Oh, yeah, your good friend.
How’s it going, Jenny Wolfe?
JENNY:
Jonathan, Les and I already know each other, remember?
219473899 7/12/2016
38
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Of course.
How forgetful of me.
So you’re an opera buff, hunh?
Well, actually, this is my first time.
Really?
Me, too!
JONATHAN: I suspect Les is pursuing a specific interest
unrelated to the love of music.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
I liked the music, actually.
Yeah?
JENNY:
Oh my, a friend?
Of mine... in the cast.
JONATHAN:
Kotter.”
LES:
Barbarina!
Barbarina!
It wasn’t “Welcome Back,
Barbarina!
Which one was she?
A minor soprano part at the beginning of Act IV.
JENNY: Oh, okay.
pretty.
JONATHAN:
LES:
She played Barbarino.
Excuse the fuck out of me.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
So who’s the rose for?
A friend--
JONATHAN:
LES:
Me, too....
I think I remember her.
And
Indeed, our gallant Les is smitten.
Really.
Jonathan, I’m gonna smite you in about two seconds.
JENNY: Jesus, you guys are such brothers!
grow up together?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
She was good.
Quite sure.
You sure you didn’t
Les (same time):
I’m sure.
I think the rose is sweet.
(Noëlle enters wearing a stunning black cocktail
219473899 7/12/2016
39
dress and still a good deal of stage makeup.)
NOËLLE:
Hello.
(to Les)
Oooh.
Can I have some of that?
(She grabs Les’s champagne and downs it.)
LES:
You were fabulous.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Mm, no!
What, “no”?
JONATHAN:
You were great!
Yes, brava.
NOËLLE: Thank you, Jonathan, though I know you’re just being
kind. Obviously, I went a little flat in my cadenza.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Just only slightly.
Shut the fuck up.
It was perfect.
JENNY:
I thought it was amazing.
NOËLLE:
JENNY:
Mmmm.
I’m Jenny.
I’m a friend of Jonathan’s.
NOËLLE (to Jonathan): Oh my, a friend.
Anyway, I was a ball of nerves. The Figaro from the Gold
cast was in the house tonight.
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
JONATHAN:
NOËLLE:
LES:
Really?
Sasha says he came to see me.
Can you believe that?
Imagine.
It’s insane.
That’s a good thing, right?
NOËLLE:
It’s insane.
219473899 7/12/2016
40
LES:
Well, look.
You wanna... go for a drink or something?
NOËLLE: Well... I’m going for a drink... with Maestro and the
Figaro from the Gold cast.
LES:
Oh.
NOËLLE:
LES:
They asked me just now.
Well, that’s great.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I mean, we didn’t set plans for afterwards, did we?
No.
NOËLLE:
LES:
You’re disappointed.
No.
NOËLLE:
LES:
We didn’t set anything.
I just--
No.
Oh, you’re moping.
Noëlle, no!
I’m fine.
I have my radio show later anyway.
(Noëlle pulls Les to her and gives him a
luscious, lingering kiss.)
NOËLLE:
I’ll make it up to you.
(She goes.)
JENNY:
Wow.
JONATHAN:
Some kiss.
Ay, ‘tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
(pause)
JENNY & LES (simultaneously):
What?
(Lights fade.
Les crosses downstage to his broadcast console.)
LES:
“Here I sand on
Shattered like a
But if stars are
Then who can you
the edge of disaster,
piece of alabaster.
only painted on the ceiling above,
turn to? And who do you love?”
219473899 7/12/2016
41
Now listen to Elvis here, people:
“I wanna get out while I still can.
I wanna be like Harry Houdini.
But now I’m the Invisible Man.”
Jesus Damn! Do you feel that? That nagging sensation that
Only King Spike truly understands? Well, what can I say trainspotters? He’s playing two weeks from now with the Attractions at
Queen Elizabeth Hall. So I guess I’ll see you there.... What’s
that?... Yeah, I know Queen Elisabeth Hall’s in London.... Yeah,
and London’s in England, and yeah, England’s in... well... some
other hemisphere or something. So?... Well, if you were serious
you’d put yourself in a whole new kinda debt like I did and buy
two tickets on Virgin Airlines to see the King with your own
personal Sulky Girl.... What?... Oh, you don’t think it’s wise
to invest so much in someone so obviously over anyone but herself.
Well, all I can say is, “What would Elvis say?” What kind of
flirt are you if you can’t flirt with disaster?
(Noëlle enters holding a plane ticket.)
NOËLLE:
LES:
This is a joke, right?
Nope.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I can’t believe it.
London?
Yep.
NOËLLE:
I’ve never been out of the country except for Canada.
LES: Please!
than Canada.
Most of this country is more out of the country
NOËLLE (looking at the ticket):
from now.
LES:
Yep!
NOËLLE:
LES:
This is crazy!
Yep.
NOËLLE:
LES:
This is for like... ten days
Will you come?
Are you kidding?
Nope.
219473899 7/12/2016
42
(As Noëlle closes for a kiss, Les turns out:)
Do I even have to tell you this is the last kiss? Or that
she doesn’t come to London with me to see Elvis Costello and the
Attractions play at Queen Elisabeth Hall in London, England,
Europe? Or that I traded in the plane tickets instead, and took
the money and bought a computer and spent the next week or so
surfing the Internet for porn? And not for the usual reasons
either. Well-- I mean, yes, for the usual reasons, but also
because I found that there’s something about the expression on
certain porn model’s faces: an expression you never see in faces
of women you’re actually having sex with; an expression...
galactically distant and... and... what-do-you-call-it?... not
“superior” but... “sublime”. Yeah. Sublime.
And then I figured out this cool graphics program so I
could detach these faces from their spread-eagled, cherry-sauce
and/or come-spewed bodies. And I created a collection of them.
Anyway, I had to go back to work eventually, and naturally,
like a moron I started zooming on every warm form that sat at
the bar-- most of time of course failing miserably, ‘cuz Jonathan’s right-- they smell desperation; but occasionally succeeding, which was obviously just... awful, just really abysmal,
worse than high school. And always, oddly enough, cold, cold
comfort compared to my collection of disembodied porn faces.
(Les turns back to Noëlle and they kiss, with
surprising tenderness. The Break chord trio sounds.
Lights shift as Les crosses back to the bar.
Jenny storms in.)
JENNY:
LES:
Can you tell me something?
Jenny Wolfe!
JENNY: Can you tell me why your brother has completely cut off
all contact with me?
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Half brother.
And, no, I can’t tell you.
Can’t ‘cuz you won’t or can’t ‘cuz you don’t know?
Both....
I--
I don’t know, okay.
JENNY: Well, that is just fucked up. What is it with you
fuckers? You put your dick in someone and all the sudden, like
some fairytale curse, you can’t talk to them anymore?
219473899 7/12/2016
43
LES:
Look, I...
JENNY:
LES:
Yes?
What?
JENNY:
You what?
LES: I-- don’t know.
chat.
JENNY:
LES:
Fine.
No.
JENNY:
LES:
LES:
Okay.
LES:
What would you like?
Vodka?
Why?
No.
JENNY:
LES:
Just vodka?
Is that bad?
People just usually, you know, put it in something.
Well then, put it in something.
Um, orange juice?
JENNY:
LES:
Cranberry juice?
Are you a moron?
Fine.
JENNY:
I’m sorry.
Um... can I get a drink?
Uh... okay...
JENNY:
Um...
I’ll put it in some cranberry juice.
Puts it in front of her.)
For future reference, that’s a Cape Cod.
JENNY:
LES:
Okay?
Fine.
(Les makes the drink.
LES:
We don’t...
Don’t be.
Sure.
JENNY:
I haven’t seen Jonathan.
And that’s important why?
I’m just saying.
JENNY:
I can’t just ask for a vodka and cranberry juice in the
219473899 7/12/2016
44
future?
LES:
Sure you could, I’m...
JENNY:
LES:
What?
Just saying.
JENNY:
Right.
You said that.
Here.
(She reaches for her purse.)
LES:
No, forget it.
JENNY:
LES:
I wanna pay for my goddamned drink.
Well you don’t have a goddamned choice in the matter.
(pause)
You know...
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Yes?
You’re probably better off.
What do you know?
What?
JENNY: I saw you with that woman, what’s-her-name, Ms. Aren’tI-Fucking-Gorgeous-Opera-Chick. I saw how you let her treat
you. You still chasing that or has she already dumped your ass?
(pause)
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
The latter.
Sorry.
Yeah, well...
Oh god!
We are so fucked up, aren’t we?
Who?
Who?
Us.
People.
219473899 7/12/2016
45
LES:
Oh yeah.
Look, for the record, my brother-- my half-brother’s a son
of a bitch, you know that, right?
JENNY:
LES:
Not ‘til three days ago.
Has he always been one?
Since the day he wormed outta his grade A bitch of a mother.
JENNY: Thanks for the image.
Why didn’t you give me a little warning or something?
LES:
Are you kidding?
JENNY: Yeah. You’re right. No one listens, do they?
He just waited, didn’t he, as long as it took ‘til one
night it’s a bottle of pinot and a video and he’s all, “I can’t
manage my feelings for you any more. I don’t know what’s
friendship and what’s attraction.” And boom!
LES:
Boom.
JENNY:
LES:
Boom.
Yup.
JENNY:
Three times.
What?
LES:
He slept with you three times.
LES:
What are you saying?
LES:
Nothing.
Exactly.
JENNY: What, is that some sorta glitch he’s got?
women three times?
LES:
It’s his trademark, yeah.
Sorry.
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Only fucks
That is so...
Yeah.
Gross!
Yeah.
219473899 7/12/2016
46
JENNY:
LES:
Do you have a trademark?
Stupidity.
(Pause.
Jenny lifts her glass.)
JENNY:
To stupidity.
(She drinks.
Pause.)
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Maybe...
What?
Forget it.
No, what?
It’s trite.
I don’t give a rat’s ass.
What?
LES: Maybe... you should look at this like, “This’ll all be
funny after a few years pass.”
JENNY:
Yeah?
(Lights shift.
reenters the bar.)
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Jenny steps backwards and then
Hello, Les.
Hello--
hey!
Hi, Jenny Wolfe!
You remembered me this time.
LES: I will always remember you.
at your service.
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Yeah?
The Queen of the Lilacs.
I like that.
You want a drink?
Yeah.
Give me a... Cape Cod.
219473899 7/12/2016
I’m
47
LES:
Cape Cod it is.
Wow! Little Jenny Wolfe. Wonders never cease.
brings you in this dump so late at night?
What
JENNY: Oh, I don’t know. I was out with some girlfriends-- a
bachelorette party, if you can believe it-(Les slides the drink to Jenny.)
Thanks.
LES:
Here’s to ya.
Cheers.
JENNY: And uh... I got bored and was on my way to the bus stop
when I walked by here, and thought, geez, I wonder if Les Newman
still works there after all this time.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Ain’t it pathetic?
Hey, you ever do anything with music anymore?
Well, you know, I have this little radio show on KCMU.
No, I didn’t know that.
Yep.
Really?
Been doing it for years now.
I had no idea.
So what kind of show is it?
Well, I play Elvis Costello.
Cool.
Yeah, I think so.
And what else?
What else what?
What else do you play?
Nothing.
It’s an all Elvis Costello radio show.
Oh.
(pause)
219473899 7/12/2016
48
Isn’t’ that kinda...
LES:
What?
JENNY:
Weird?
LES: Actually I have quite a cult following. I mean, I’m no
David Koresh, but a few people call in and tell me they like it.
JENNY: Unh-hunh.... You should have said, “Jim Jones.”
Would’ve been funnier.
(pause)
LES:
What?
JENNY: Jim Jones? Leader of the People’s Temple. Led 917 of
his followers in a ritual suicide after murdering a Congress-LES:
Look, I know who Jim Jones is.
JENNY:
LES:
I just figured you wouldn’t.
Why not?
‘Cuz you were only-(Beat while he does the math.)
--Four when it happened.
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Try six.
Fine.
Six.
Besides, I’m sort of a suicide cult trivia freak.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Call it a hobby.
And I’m weird.
JENNY: Big time. I mean, Elvis is great and all, but don’t you
get tired of the whole hurt angry drunken hetero boy thing?
(pause)
219473899 7/12/2016
49
LES:
Apparently not.
JENNY: Sorry....
Elvis is great.
I didn’t mean to mock your gig.
LES: He’s phenomenal.
touch his?
JENNY:
LES:
You want lyrics?
He’s king!
Like I said,
Who else’s lyrics can even
Try playing some Shawn Colvin some time.
I wouldn’t be able to do that.
JENNY:
LES:
Why not?
‘Cuz it’s an all Elvis Costello show.
JENNY: Right.
You think I’m being obnoxious.
LES:
What?
JENNY:
LES:
You?
No.
I am a little tipsy.
I’ll give you that.
Well, you’re eminently forgivable.
JENNY:
LES:
Whatever that means.
It means... you’re eminently forgivable.
JENNY:
You don’t have many scintillating conversations, do you?
LES: Certainly not at this level. I mean, come on: “scintillating”? Uh... pretty girl use too big word for dumbass barkeep.
JENNY:
How terribly sad for you.
LES: Wow! I think that’s the fastest I’ve reached the pity
stage. Gotta be a record.
JENNY:
LES:
Nietzsche would say disgust.
JENNY:
LES:
What’s next after pity?
Nietzsche was a twat.
Holy shit.
219473899 7/12/2016
50
JENNY:
LES:
What?
I just fell in love with you.
JENNY:
You’ll get over it.
(beat)
LES:
I remember the last time you were in here.
JENNY:
LES:
Yeah?
Yeah.
JENNY: So do I. You said that what happened between me and
Jonathan would be funny in a few years?
LES:
Is it?
JENNY: I don’t know. Maybe I need a few more years to fully
appreciate the humor.... Anyway, I’d better run if I wanna
catch my bus. How much do I owe you?
LES:
Please.
JENNY:
LES:
Do you ever charge anyone for drinks?
Rarely.
JENNY:
LES:
I’m in it for the love.
Yeah.
Well... I’m glad I stopped in.
Me too, Jenny Wolfe.
(Jenny turns to go.)
Hey Jenny Wolfe.
JENNY:
LES:
Yes, Les Newman.
Don’t stay away so long next time.
(Jenny turns back, digs a pen out of her purse,
quickly scrawls something on a scrap of paper, then
slaps it down on the bar in front of Les.)
JENNY:
Use it.
219473899 7/12/2016
51
LES:
Suicide Hot Line?
JENNY (turning to go):
Funny, funny man.
(She exits.
Lights shift.
Jenny goes back to the bar and lifts her glass.)
JENNY:
To stupidity.
(She drinks.
Pause.)
LES:
Maybe...
JENNY:
LES:
What?
Forget it.
JENNY:
LES:
No, what?
It’s trite.
JENNY:
I don’t give a rat’s ass.
What?
LES: Maybe... you should look at this like, “This’ll all be
funny after a few years pass.”
JENNY:
Yeah?
(beat)
LES:
Well.
JENNY:
LES:
You come up with that all by yourself?
No....
I said it was trite.
JENNY: You were right.
Well...
(She drains her drink, then slides off the stool.)
Let’s let a few years pass and see.
(She goes. Lights fade to black.
End of Act I)
219473899 7/12/2016
52
ACT II
(Lights up on the bar.
a stool. Les ignores him.)
Jonathan enters and takes
JONATHAN (after a moment): I’m suddenly curious: what sort of
food do you serve in this micro-boozery.
LES:
None, until the night chef gets here.
JONATHAN: Oh. What a shame. I suppose I’ll have to experiment
another time. Pellegrino, please.
LES: Jonathan-- how many times do I have to say it?
water, we got club soda.
JONATHAN:
We got tap
Club soda, please.
LES: Look, why don’t you just take your act somewhere else?
You won’t be breaking anybody’s heart here.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Why?
Why?
Is your heart already broken?
Would that amuse you?
JONATHAN: Not really.
sharks’ teeth.
LES:
Unh-hunh.
Jenny Wolfe was in here last night.
JONATHAN:
LES:
But do remember, Les: they’re like
Ah.
I guess you finally ran your little game on her.
JONATHAN: Yes. I was in a bit of a rush actually. I had to
wrap it up in favor of vastly more intriguing quarry.
LES:
JESUS!
(Les reaches across the bar and grabs Jonathan by
the collar.)
Just give me one reason.
JONATHAN:
One reason what?
219473899 7/12/2016
53
LES:
Not to kick the living shit out of you.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Half-brother.
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’m your brother.
You’d feel foolish afterwards.
I could live with that.
JONATHAN:
I’m not worth it.
(Pause.
Les lets go.
Long pause.)
Can I share something with you?
LES:
Are you delusional?!
No!
Fuck no!
JONATHAN: I’ve been under a bit of stress lately. My
concerto’s due at the end of next month and I’ve been feeling
more than a little desperation. I haven’t... captured the
essence of the subject yet.
(pause)
Fact is, I haven’t finished it.
(pause)
Or even really started.... But! She’s come, Les: my
inspiration, like manna from heaven, at the absolutely critical
moment. This is it, brother, the pinnacle of my research, and
not a moment too soon. If I can do this, I have nothing left to
learn about Don Juan. I’ve met the ultimate challenge.
LES:
She’s a lesbian, big deal.
JONATHAN: Oh, please, Les. Give me some credit. One of the
first nuts I cracked: lesbian, bisexual, asexual, virgin.
African-American, Asian-American, Native-American, Pacific
Islander. Alcholic workaholic sexaholic. Blind-LES:
Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
Yes.
219473899 7/12/2016
54
LES:
Shut it.
JONATHAN:
Listen...
(Lights shift to a woman, Gretchen, sitting at a
desk, staring at a message pad.
Jonathan crosses to the desk.)
JONATHAN:
Hello.
(pause)
Hello?
(She turns, staring more through than at him.)
Hi.
GRETCHEN (southern twang):
May I help you?
JONATHAN:
Jonathan Newman... to see the maestro.
GRETCHEN:
Pardon?
JONATHAN:
The maestro.
GRETCHEN:
“DeMighstrow?”
JONATHAN:
The music director... of the symphony... Jerry.
GRETCHEN:
Oh, Jerry.
JONATHAN:
Yes.
GRETCHEN:
His last name isn’t “DeMighst--
JONATHAN:
I know what his last name is.
GRETCHEN:
All right.
JONATHAN:
Is he in?
GRETCHEN:
Jerry’s not in.
There’s no one here by that name.
219473899 7/12/2016
55
JONATHAN: Okay....
Okay, fine. I’ll check back later.
Jonathan Newman stopped by?
GRETCHEN:
Can you just tell him
Yes.
(pause)
JONATHAN:
You’re not going to write it down?
GRETCHEN:
Would you like me to write it down?
JONATHAN:
message.
Well, it doesn’t matter.
GRETCHEN:
Because that’s very important.
JONATHAN:
No, it’s just--
GRETCHEN:
Do you know me?
JONATHAN:
No.
GRETCHEN:
Then what do you care?
JONATHAN:
I-- I’m sorry.
So long as he gets the
Excuse me, are you... all right?
I must have offended you somehow.
GRETCHEN: What? No. You haven’t offended me at all. It was
actually very nice meeting you, Jonathan-Newman-here-to-seeJerry. I’ll make sure he gets the message.
(Jonathan follows a cross-fade back to Les.)
JONATHAN: Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing makes me quite so
ill as these bullying so-called creative types who breeze into
symphony offices and just piss on the administrative people.
But she was... she was just rude....
LES:
Hurt your feelings?
JONATHAN: Or maybe just vastly, vastly stupid. I really couldn’t
tell.... So I went to the Assistant Managing Director-- a prior
conquest still holding hope. And guess what I found out?
LES:
She’s an alien.
JONATHAN:
Her name is Gretchen.
219473899 7/12/2016
56
LES:
She’s an android.
JONATHAN:
LES:
The maestro hired her himself.
She’s an African-Asian-Native American android.
JONATHAN:
Because her husband is a former student of his.
LES: Oh, wow, married alien android.
android, too? Or just a lesbian.
JONATHAN:
Big whoop.
Is he an
He’s dying.
(Pause.
He’s dying....
Les is caught speechless.)
Two months tops.
Thirty-four years old.
(Les walks away.)
Les?
(Jonathan crosses back to Gretchen.)
JONATHAN:
Hi.
GRETCHEN:
Hello.
JONATHAN (extending his hand):
GRETCHEN (ignoring it):
Jonathan Newman.
I remember.
You told me yesterday.
JONATHAN: Right. You know, perhaps we got off to a little bit
of a wobbly start. I feel I may have been a little bit rude.
GRETCHEN:
To me?
JONATHAN:
Yes.
GRETCHEN:
No.
Not as I recall.
JONATHAN: You’re being polite. I’d like to offer you an
atonement of some sort; perhaps an espresso or something.
(Pause. Gretchen turns and really looks at
Jonathan for the first time.)
219473899 7/12/2016
57
GRETCHEN:
I’m married.
JONATHAN:
Well that’s wonderful.
GRETCHEN: It’s a little late in the day for coffee drinks.
reckon I’d take a cocktail if you were offering.
JONATHAN:
I
Of course, absolutely.
(They walk in a cross-fade to the bar.)
Oh, look. Les is working.
Les, this is Gretchen.
LES:
Hi.
GRETCHEN:
Hi.
JONATHAN:
Gretchen would like a cocktail.
LES:
I can do that.
GRETCHEN:
LES:
All right.
Jonathan?
JONATHAN:
LES:
The usual, Les.
Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Wild Turkey neat, please.
Yes, Les.
Don’t have a clue what that means.
JONATHAN:
Pinot noir, please.
LES: Fine. Why don’t you guys have a seat at one of the tables
and I’ll bring it out to you.
JONATHAN:
That’ll be fine.
Thanks, Les.
(Jonathan and Gretchen sit.)
GRETCHEN:
He doesn’t like you.
219473899 7/12/2016
58
JONATHAN: No? Funny I never noticed.
... So would I be correct in guessing Georgia?
GRETCHEN:
Pardon?... Oh, yes.
JONATHAN:
Pride myself on it.
You got a good ear.
(pause)
So... how’s the job so far?
(pause)
GRETCHEN:
What’s going on?
JONATHAN:
What do you mean?
GRETCHEN:
What do you want from me?
JONATHAN:
I-(Les brings the drinks to the table.)
LES:
Here ya go.
(Jonathan reaches for his wallet.)
Oh, don’t trouble yourself, Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
Why, thank you, Les.
(Les walks away.
Jonathan lifts his glass for a toast.)
Cheers.
(He drinks.
Gretchen doesn’t move.)
What is it?
GRETCHEN:
You wanna sleep with me.
JONATHAN:
What?
GRETCHEN:
How odd.
JONATHAN:
I--
219473899 7/12/2016
59
(She finally takes a sip of her drink.)
GRETCHEN:
How very, very odd.
JONATHAN:
That’s... bizarre.
GRETCHEN:
I told you I was married.
JONATHAN:
Look, I--
GRETCHEN:
I’m not very pretty.
JONATHAN:
I wouldn’t say that.
GRETCHEN:
Would you excuse me?
But that’s not--
(She stands, drains her glass, turns and goes.
Les enters and takes her glass.)
LES:
Smooth.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Very smooth.
It’s not over.
Uh, yeah it is.
Go home and finish your dumb concerto.
JONATHAN: One must understand absolutely everything before one
can begin to hear how the music plays.
LES: It’s just music, Jonathan.
neurosis.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Music is life and life is music.
Jonathan... do you have any friends?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Don’t twist it into your
I’m going home.
Good.
JONATHAN:
Finish your concerto.
One way or the other.
(Lights shift to a couch in Jonathan’s apartment.
Jonathan stretches out on it.
A knock is heard. Jonathan stands and goes to
the side of the stage. Gretchen enters.)
219473899 7/12/2016
60
JONATHAN: Gretchen!... Hello. I... What are you doing here?
I mean, it’s good to see you... uh-GRETCHEN:
Can I come in?
JONATHAN: Uh, sure, if you want.
you know where I lived?
GRETCHEN:
Of course.
How... how did
I work at the symphony.
JONATHAN: Right. Of course.
Uh... can I get you something?
GRETCHEN:
Some water?
You got bourbon?
JONATHAN: Uh... I don’t really keep much hard stuff on hand.
Hold on. I’ll see what I can find.
(He goes upstage and digs around.)
I’ve got some green chartreuse.
GRETCHEN:
What?
(He returns with a bottle and some glasses.)
JONATHAN: Green chartreuse. It’s a liqueur... made by these
French monks who live in the Alps and distill it from all kinds of,
well, alpine herbs.... The recipe’s been held secret for over 500
years.... No one monk ever knows all the ingredients.... It’s the
only alcoholic beverage to have a color named after it... and uh...
it’s reputed to have certain esoteric homeopathic properties that-GRETCHEN:
Fine.
I’ll have some.
JONATHAN:
Yeah, me too.
(Jonathan pours them each a drink. He hands
Gretchen hers, then lifts his in a toast.)
To you.
(Gretchen drinks without toasting.
Pause.)
So....
GRETCHEN:
So what?
219473899 7/12/2016
61
JONATHAN:
So here you are.
GRETCHEN:
Yep.
JONATHAN: Look, I’m glad you dropped by. It gives me the
chance to explain: I harbor no... untoward intentions... toward
you. In fact, I know that your husband is-GRETCHEN:
Don’t!
JONATHAN:
I’m just--
GRETCHEN:
Don’t you... ever mention him, okay?
JONATHAN:
I understand.
GRETCHEN:
Don’t.
JONATHAN:
All right.
I just--
GRETCHEN: I don’t... I just came from there.
JONATHAN:
I see.
GRETCHEN:
It’s the... stupidity I can’t stand.
JONATHAN:
Of course.
You know?
GRETCHEN: The utterly stupidly maudlin movie-of-the-week
tragedy of... I hate it.
JONATHAN:
I don’t blame you.
GRETCHEN: “Let’s go to Seattle,” he says. “I’ll audition for
the symphony; my old professor runs it now. It’s beautiful
there. Surrounded by mountains. Everyone there is smart and
nice and liberal.” Only you know what the problem is? Everyone
here is smart and nice and liberal. And it makes me fucking
sick. And when was the last time you saw a goddamned mountain
in this murk?
JONATHAN:
Yeah, it’s... bad.
GRETCHEN (starting to break down): Stupid, stupid, movie of the
week bullshit.
219473899 7/12/2016
62
JONATHAN:
I hate it.
GRETCHEN (suddenly coming up clear and cold):
about it?
JONATHAN:
What do you know
Well...
JONATHAN & GRETCHEN (staggered):
Nothing.
GRETCHEN: Right.
See. I hate everything. Can you understand that?
him. I hate me. I don’t even know you, I hate you.
JONATHAN:
I can understand that feeling.
GRETCHEN:
How?
JONATHAN:
I’ve... known loss.
I hate
(Gretchen laughs.)
I know you don’t believe that, but... well, it doesn’t
matter.
GRETCHEN: I could kill you. I could kill you right now right
where you stand, and watch the life run out of your eyes, and
then I could finish my... green...
JONATHAN:
Chartreuse.
GRETCHEN:
Whatever, and walk right outta here and feel nothing.
(pause)
Don’t you... find that odd?
JONATHAN:
I... don’t know.
GRETCHEN: Well, I do. It’s not... human.
feel this utterly goddamned empty.
I-- I don’t want to
(Jonathan turns upstage toward the bar.)
JONATHAN:
LES:
Les, you gotta hear this.
Don’t tell me this shit, Jonathan.
219473899 7/12/2016
63
JONATHAN:
LES:
Les--
I don’t wanna hear it.
JONATHAN:
LES:
But this is when it happens, Les.
Jonathan, I’m telling you: I do not--
JONATHAN:
This is when she falls to her knees.
(Gretchen collapses.)
You see? She sees me. Some kind of clarity of the cursed.
She sees me exactly... and yet she’s on her knees.
LES:
God dammit!
JONATHAN:
And I go to her.
LES: Jonathan, god damn you, I’m just a bartender.
your fucking captive here.
JONATHAN: And I pull her up to me.
these terrifying eyes and...
LES:
I am not
And she looks at me through
Get out.
JONATHAN:
And she attacks.
(Gretchen kisses Jonathan ferociously, pulls him
to the ground and climbs on top of him, tearing both
their clothes off. Les watches enthralled. Finally
he breaks his trance.)
LES:
Get the fuck out, Jonathan.
Right now!
(Jonathan stands and tries to pull himself
together as Gretchen recedes into the darkness.)
JONATHAN: You got to listen to me, Les.
She came over again the next night.
LES:
Fine.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Something’s happening.
Leave.
And the next.
Jonathan!
219473899 7/12/2016
64
JONATHAN: And Les, listen to me. She came over the next night.
Are you listening to me? That’s one night, two nights, three
nights, four. You see?... And again and again, night after
night I am hoping, praying... begging a god I don’t even-- have
never believed in-- that she’ll knock on my door one more time.
And Les... when she comes she crashes over me with this
amazing passion so strong it’s like-- it’s like anti-passion,
bottomless, no end to her emptiness. And...
And... when we’re through, she just turns away... and falls
dead asleep. But I can’t sleep. So I’ll get up and go to my
piano, thinking maybe, maybe... maybe I can do something on the
concerto. But as I sit down and begin to touch the keys all I
manage to bring out are these strange, lyric, free form, almost
jazz-like improvisations. I can play them for hours as she sleeps
right through it, until... invariably... some time in the middle
of the night some silent alarm clock goes off, and she’s up,
getting dressed... leaving. And once she’s gone, whatever I was
just playing, I can’t remember a note. Not a single note.
(pause)
Well?
LES:
Well what?
JONATHAN:
LES:
What do you make of that?
I make you’re fucked.
(Les exits.)
JONATHAN:
Yeah.
Yeah, that’s pretty much what I make, too.
(Gretchen enters.)
GRETCHEN:
Oh, Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
Yes, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN: Can I see you in Jerry’s office for a moment?
to show you something.
JONATHAN:
I need
All right.
(Jonathan follows Gretchen upstage. She turns
and bounces a long-stemmed red rose off his chest.)
219473899 7/12/2016
65
GRETCHEN:
What the hell is this?
JONATHAN:
It’s a rose.
GRETCHEN: I know it’s a rose, asshole.
stark raving nuts?
Are you crazy?
Are you
JONATHAN:
I put it in your drawer so no one else would see it.
GRETCHEN:
I don’t want to see it.
JONATHAN:
I don’t under--
GRETCHEN: I don’t want any goddamned roses from you.
you thinking?
JONATHAN:
What are
I just--
GRETCHEN: Look. I’m sick. You’re sick. We’re sick together.
That’s all. It doesn’t make us... lovers.
JONATHAN:
I refuse to believe--
GRETCHEN:
Believe it.
JONATHAN:
You didn’t let me finish.
GRETCHEN: You know what? I don’t give a goddamn. Believe.
Don’t believe. Just don’t leave me any goddamned roses.
JONATHAN:
I’m sorry.
GRETCHEN:
Forget it.
Just... forget it.
(pause)
JONATHAN:
Gretchen, tell me why?
GRETCHEN:
Why what?
JONATHAN:
Why do you... come to my apartment?
GRETCHEN:
It’s on my way home from the hospital.
JONATHAN:
No.
I don’t think--
219473899 7/12/2016
66
GRETCHEN:
Think what you want.
JONATHAN:
Are you telling me there’s not something...?
GRETCHEN:
There’s not something.
(pause)
JONATHAN: You know, Gretchen, you’re not always gonna be
unhappy, and there may... one day come a day... when you and I-(Gretchen socks Jonathan hard, right in the gut.)
GRETCHEN:
I will always be unhappy!
JONATHAN (gasping):
I will always be unhappy!
God...
GRETCHEN:
Sorry.
JONATHAN:
of you.
Wow... so that’s what they mean... wind knocked out
GRETCHEN: Barely.
By the way, I’m pregnant.
JONATHAN:
What?!
GRETCHEN (more to herself):
JONATHAN:
You’re pregnant?
GRETCHEN:
Never mind.
Stupid.
JONATHAN: What?
GRETCHEN: Just forget it. You better get out of here.
Jerry’ll be back from lunch soon.
(Gretchen exits.
Jonathan climbs to his feet, crosses downstage,
sits on his sofa.
A door knocks.)
Come in.
(Gretchen enters.)
219473899 7/12/2016
67
Ah... there you are.
(pause)
Nine days I’ve left that door unlocked merely on the odd
hope that I’d hear a knock and I’d say, “Come in,” and you’d
walk through. And I’d say, “Ah... there you are.”
(pause)
Surreal.
GRETCHEN:
Jason’s dead.
(pause)
We’ll be headed home soon.
You won’t see me again.
JONATHAN:
Ah... there you go.
GRETCHEN:
Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
Yes, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN:
You need to listen to me very carefully.
JONATHAN:
All right.
All right?
GRETCHEN: You are off the hook. You understand? I’m gonna
have a baby... and you’re never gonna need to worry about it.
Okay? ‘Cuz this baby’s gonna always think... gonna always know
that her father died before she was born. Okay?
JONATHAN:
It’s a girl?
GRETCHEN:
What?
JONATHAN: You said “her father”?
something?
Did you get... checked or
GRETCHEN: No... I-- I just said “her” is all.... Look, it
doesn’t matter. Boy or girl. You’ll never need to know.
You’re never gonna know. You understand? And... Jonathan, it’s
all right. It’s all fine.
JONATHAN:
Every good boy does fine.
219473899 7/12/2016
68
GRETCHEN:
Excuse me.
JONATHAN: That’s the first thing you learn in music. Every
good boy does fine. E-G-B-D-F. These are the notes that hang
on the lines of the treble clef staff. And good boys do fine
always. That’s the bass staff.
GRETCHEN:
That’s nice.
JONATHAN:
You know what else you learn first thing in music?
GRETCHEN:
Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
All cows eat grass.
GRETCHEN:
I don’t--
JONATHAN:
Face.
GRETCHEN:
All I’m saying, Jonathan, is you’re off the hook.
JONATHAN:
No hook for me.
GRETCHEN:
There’s no other way.
JONATHAN:
Yes, no.
GRETCHEN:
Good-bye, Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
Oh, one last thing?
GRETCHEN:
What is it?
JONATHAN:
I love you.
GRETCHEN:
No, you don’t.
JONATHAN:
No, I don’t.
GRETCHEN:
I have to go.
JONATHAN:
I’ll probably kill myself sooner or later.
GRETCHEN:
Jonathan...
JONATHAN:
Probably sooner.
F-A-C-E.
You know what else?
Face.
You gotta face it.
Every good boy does fine.
No other way.
I’m sorry.
All cows eat grass.
219473899 7/12/2016
69
GRETCHEN:
Whatever.
JONATHAN: I’m serious....
Just... so you know.
Though it’s not... a big deal.
GRETCHEN:
Well...
JONATHAN:
Well?...
GRETCHEN:
Do it quietly.
JONATHAN:
Do it quietly?
GRETCHEN:
I’d prefer not to hear about it.
JONATHAN:
You’d prefer... not to...
GRETCHEN:
For the baby’s sake.
JONATHAN:
Right.
GRETCHEN:
Good-bye, Jonathan.
(She exits.)
JONATHAN:
Ciao.
(Jonathan picks up a phone.
A special lights Les at the bar.)
LES (into a phone):
JONATHAN:
LES:
Les.
Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Hello?
I’m probably gonna kill myself.
Whatever.
JONATHAN: I’m serious....
Just... so you know.
LES:
though it’s not... a big deal.
Well...
JONATHAN:
Well?
219473899 7/12/2016
70
LES:
What do you want me to do about it?
JONATHAN: Nothing. I just thought... you were the only one
who’d even remotely care.
LES: Yeah.
mistake.
JONATHAN:
LES:
No.
I’ll probably jump off something, Les.
Is it?
Well, I’ll give it serious consideration.
Fine, Les.
I’ll be at the Aurora bridge at 3.
Fine.
Oh, and Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
LES:
No.
Sounds good.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Yeah, Les.
If you wait till after two this morning, I can come watch.
JONATHAN:
LES:
Oh, hey Jonathan?
The Aurora Bridge is nice.
JONATHAN:
LES:
So... good-bye.
You good with knots?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Well, no.
Pills?
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’ll see ya.
You got a gun?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Well...
Good-bye, Jonathan....
JONATHAN:
LES:
Okay.
You will?
JONATHAN:
LES:
Well, I guess I can see where you might make that
Yes, Les.
Call if you’re gonna stand me up.
I’m not one of your
219473899 7/12/2016
71
chicks.
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’ll be there.
Yeah, okay.
See ya then.
(Jonathan crosses up stage and climbs a girder.
The sound of heavy highway traffic swells overhead.)
JONATHAN: Every good boy does fine....
Good boys do fine always....
All cows eat grass.
Face... Face.... Face it.... FACE IT!....
FAAAAAACE!!!
FACE IT!...
(Les hollers from the back out of the house.)
LES:
Jonathan!... Is that you!
(pause)
Jonathan?!
JONATHAN: You’re early, Les.
time you showed up.
LES:
Procrastination seems to be a problem for you lately.
JONATHAN:
LES:
I was hoping to be done by the
I just wanted to spare you witnessing this.
I’m not witnessing squat.
JONATHAN: You’re lack of faith in my conviction isn’t... well,
it’s discouragingly encouraging, if you know what I mean.
LES: Jonathan. I don’t wanna play word games. I take you very
seriously, ‘kay?... Okay?... What’s this gonna prove?
JONATHAN: It’s not gonna prove anything. I’m chickening out,
okay? Call it a somewhat less than noble family tradition. I’m
just doing what dear old dad did, only gravity works a lot
quicker than alcohol.
LES: Don’t even kid yourself, Jonathan. You got a long way to
go before you can invoke the ghost of Tulips. Right now, you
don’t even understand what it is to be an artist. You’re not a
composer. You’re just a... poser. You’re posing up on that
219473899 7/12/2016
72
girder. And if by some stupid fluke you jump, you’ll be posing
at the bottom.
JONATHAN: All right all right all RIGHT! Just... fuck off,
okay? You’re right. So fuck off and leave me alone!
LES: Fine. I’ll leave you alone, when you’re dead and all,
but, Jonathan, before you do the deed, straighten me out here,
will ya? What the hell is your big bitch anyway? So you fucked
up and couldn’t come through with your bullshit concerto.
JONATHAN: It’s not about the concerto, Les. I don’t care about
the concerto. No one cares about the concerto. They’d rather
listen to Mozart; I’d rather listen to Mozart.
LES:
Okay, so you got your heart broke finally.
JONATHAN: It’s not about hearts either. I told you: heart’s
are like sharks’ teeth; they’re tennis balls at Wimbeldon. But
a soul... if you don’t have a soul... then you don’t exist.
LES: Wow! Fucking deep! Fucking... theosophical, man!
never struck me as the religious type, though, Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
...You
Well, they say there are no atheists in foxholes.
LES: Yeah? They say that?
on bridge girders?
What do they say about idiot twats
(pause)
Hello?
(pause)
Seriously though, Jonathan, this has all been amazing food
for thought. I mean, I haven’t had a really good philosophical
conversation like this since... I don’t know, college or
something. What say we go swipe a bottle of single malt and
talk our way to the bottom of it?
JONATHAN: Thanks, Les, but I’m kind of in the middle of
something here.
LES: Yeah, well, it’s a bullshit thing you’re in the middle of
Jonathan. Let’s not kid ourselves, okay?
219473899 7/12/2016
73
JONATHAN: I disagree. I feel like this might be the first
decent thing I’ve done in a long time, maybe my entire life.
LES (all stops suddenly yanked): HEY! HEY MOTHERFUCKER! HEY!
You think it’s decent to me?! To kill my brother? You think
you got a right to do that? FUCK YOU! AND GET THE FUCK DOWN!
(pause)
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’m afraid.
BIG FUCKING DEAL!
JONATHAN:
You called me your brother.
Not your half-brother.
LES: I’m gonna kick your ass! You jump, I’m gonna fish your
body outta the ship canal and I’m gonna kick the shit out of it.
JONATHAN:
Jesus, Les, take it easy.
LES: I’ll be the stupidest motherfucker in Fremont! Kicking
the shit out of my dead brother’s corpse! You want that?
JONATHAN:
LES:
That’s it.
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’ll kill ya myself.
No.
No... just...
Jonathan...
JONATHAN:
LES:
I’m coming up.
You don’t think I will?
JONATHAN:
LES:
You’ve got serious rage issues.
Les, just...
Jonathan.
Look.
Just climb down.
(Jonathan climbs down.
JONATHAN:
Please.
Les walks up on stage.)
I have no life.
LES: Welcome to the working week. You think any of us do?...
Jesus!
Come on. My stomach hurts from screaming at you. I need
an Egg McMuffin.
219473899 7/12/2016
74
JONATHAN:
LES:
Christ.
Talk about suicidal.
Shut it.
(Lights shift as Jonathan exits and Les crosses
to his radio console.)
LES (into the mic): Ah yes, trainspotters,
“History repeats the old conceits,
The glib replies, the same defeats....
And in this almost empty gin palace,
Through a two-way looking glass, you see your Alice.”
(Les punches a button. The song plays, then
fades. He stands and crosses downstage.
A special lights Jenny opposite.)
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Hello?
Hi.
May I speak to Jenny Wolfe please?
Who’s calling please?
This is... a friend of hers.
JENNY: Oh, hi Les.
It’s Jenny.
LES: Oh. What’d you think?
something?
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Les Newman.
That or just a creep.
I was a bill collector or
You’re not a creep, are ya?
Uh... what would a creep say?
“No,” right?
I guess you got a point there.
So... uh... you wanna have coffee some time.
Oh, well, um...
Uh-oh.
I just got the, “Oh, well, um...”.
JENNY: Look, Les. I’m sorry. I was kinda tipsy when I went in
to your bar the other night. Fact is, I’m kinda seeing someone.
LES:
Oh....
Oh well... that’s okay.
Maybe some other--
219473899 7/12/2016
75
JENNY:
LES:
Shit.
I’m lying.
What?
JENNY: That’s a lie. I’m not seeing someone, and-- honestly,
Les?-- I don’t really want to... see someone right now, you
know?... I’m sorry.
LES: Oh, don’t be. It’ s no big deal. It was just fun seeing
you and all. Thought we might just hang out or something. I
mean-- honestly?-- I’ve developed kind of a firm rule about not
picking over my half-brother’s scraps.
(Dead silence.)
JENNY:
LES:
That’s-- not-- shit!
JENNY:
LES:
Scraps.
What you what?
That’s not what I...
What you meant?
Not even close.
JENNY:
sucks.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Les, if it was within a mile of what you meant, it
Big time.
Yes.
I... I’m sorry.
No, it wasn’t.
I think maybe it was.
JENNY: No, Les.
a bad idea.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
This was a bad idea.
Right....
Calling me wasn’t a bad idea.
Being rude was
Well...
So now you owe me coffee.
Uh... Okay.
Les.
Yeah?
Lighten up.
219473899 7/12/2016
76
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Okay.
You’re not a creep.
Okay.
You just act like one sometimes.
Right.
So, coffee.
Right.
When?
Tomorrow morning, nine-thirty?
How ‘bout day after, seven-fifteen?
‘Kay.
Where?
You pick.
The Honey Bear.
In Wallingford.
That’s it.
Fifty-something and Meridian.
I’ll see ya there.
See ya.
(Lights shift.
Jenny and Les sit at a table, sipping lattes.)
JENNY:
LES:
Sounds like you should just kill yourself.
What?--
What are you talking about?
JENNY: Well, you’re basically saying that any belief in
anything bigger than us is just nature’s cruel trick to keep us
alive long enough to reproduce, right?
LES:
Well, yeah, essentially.
219473899 7/12/2016
77
JENNY:
LES:
Pretty goddamned grim outlook.
Only as grim as you make it.
JENNY:
Why bother?
LES: That’s just the point. I don’t have any choice but
bother. And neither do you. And neither does power-walker guy
over there. We’re all just programmed.
JENNY: But that’s what I’m saying.
don’t you just off yourself?
LES:
If you believe that why
Against my programming.
JENNY:
LES:
So you’re not responsible for anything.
Well...
JENNY: That’s a crock, not to mention boring.
stakes.
LES: Okay, Miss Big-Believer.
your faith in?
There’s no
What’s the big thing you put
(pause)
JENNY:
LES:
Aha!--
JENNY:
LES:
I don’t know.
But I’ll know it when I see it.
Right.
Well...
(He lifts his cup.)
To you seeing it.
JENNY (toasting as well):
To me seeing it.
(She drains her cup and stands to go.
Lights shift slightly but perceptibly.)
LES:
And then, just like that, you said you had to go.
That
219473899 7/12/2016
78
you were already late for your shift at the hospital and you’d
have to catch the late bus.
JENNY:
And you offered me a ride.
(Lights shift.
LES:
Les stands, pulling out his keys.
I only have one helmet.
JENNY:
LES:
Thanks anyway.
I like life.
No, I mean I’d give you the helmet.
JENNY: Les, if I ever catch you riding without a helmet, I will
kick your ass. You know what we call those things down at the
hospital?... “Donor cycles.”
LES: Oooh. I get it. It’s funny ‘cuz instead of “Motor” you
said “Donor”.
And then you gave me a look that said-JENNY: “Don’t fuck with me, pal. I will kick your ass.”
Yeah, and you gave me this smarmy grin as if to say:
LES: “I can’t for the life of me imagine anyone I’d rather have
kick it.”
JENNY:
LES:
Yeah, and then-- typical-- you never called.
No, no.
JENNY:
LES:
You never called.
Please.
Please, what?
The onus was on you.
It was your turn.
(Jenny merely shakes her head in disgust.)
What?
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
bear.
LES:
Wussy!
You’re the wussy.
Anyway, two weeks later I catch him back at the Honey
You didn’t “catch me” back at the Honey Bear.
I happened
219473899 7/12/2016
79
to be there. I happened to be having a blueberry scone and a
double latte at the Honey Bear.
(Lights shift.
Les sits back down at the table.)
Jenny Wolfe!
JENNY:
Good morning.
Hi’ya, Les.
What are you doing here?
LES: Why, I’m having a blueberry scone and a double latte.
are you doing here?
JENNY:
What
You don’t live around here, do you?
LES: No, but I took a jog around Greenlake and thought I’d grab
a scone.
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
I see.
What?
You just better not be stalking me.
That’s all.
(She joins him.)
LES:
Why?
Do you come here regularly?
JENNY: No. But I do live in the neighborhood. I just... found
myself with a little extra time before work this morning...
thought I’d treat myself to a cinnamon roll.
LES:
JENNY:
I see.
So for all I know you could be stalking me.
That’s right, Les.
I’m stalking you.
(Jenny stands.
Lights shift.)
And then you started showing up at the Honey Bear every
other morning.
LES: No, you started showing up every other morning.
started jogging.
I just
JENNY: And then instead of every other morning it was every
morning.
219473899 7/12/2016
80
LES: How would you know that unless you were there every
morning?
JENNY:
Whatever, wussy.
(Lights shift.)
LES:
JENNY:
Good morning, Jenny Wolfe.
Morning.
(She sits.)
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Hey, you okay?
Not really.
What’s up?
Oh... Mr. Torgerson died yesterday.
Mr. Torgerson.
JENNY: Just a patient. Stroke victim. We had a session, then
I put him back in bed, and just a couple minutes later he...
just... went.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
I’m sorry.
Well, it’s your fault of course.
Yeah, well.
Ever think about it.
What?
Kicking it?
JENNY: Boom, somehow you’re a little kid-- boom-- you’re a
teenager-- boom-- you’re working the fishing boats in Alaska-boom-- you’re married a house in Ballard children grandchildren
great-grandchildren-- boom-- an artery in your head explodes
you’re in a hospital bed can’t move half your body can’t even
talk some pretty girl’s making you shuffle to the end of the
hall and back puts you back in bed-- boom-- you’re dead.
LES:
Hmmm.
Tell me more about this-- boom-- pretty girl.
219473899 7/12/2016
81
JENNY: Shit. That’s probably exactly it, isn’t it? Men...
half-dead in a rehab ward, you’re still thinking about the next
warm, wet hole.
LES: That’s us all right. In fact, my ability to think, feel,
or even have coffee with you is utterly conditional on my
preprogrammed subconscious hopes of humping you... boom.
(Jenny stares at him for a moment.
JENNY:
How desperately sad for you.
LES (Lifting his cup):
Gotta run.
To desperate sadness.
(He stands.
JENNY:
LES:
Then smiles.)
Lights shift.)
And then one morning you didn’t show up.
My bike broke down.
JENNY:
Still.
You didn’t show up.
LES: I had to push it all the way up the Counterbalance to my
apartment.
JENNY:
No phones, I suppose, in all of Lower Queen Anne.
LES: You know: I actually thought about trying to call you
here. And then I thought to myself, “What the hell am I doing?
I’m gonna call the Honey Bear to let some girl, who happens to
show up when I show up and happens to have coffee with me every
morning, know that I’m not gonna show up this morning?
JENNY:
Yeah, heaven forbid you show some manners.
(Les sits.
Jenny stands.)
LES:
And then, of course, retribution.
JENNY:
LES:
No.
Re-tri-bution
JENNY:
No.
I had legitimate--
219473899 7/12/2016
82
LES:
The next three days--
JENNY: I had to be at work early.
review.
I had... charts... to
LES: And for some sad-assed reason I showed up that Friday
anyway. Pathetic.
(Lights shift.)
Hi, Jenny Wolfe.
JENNY:
LES:
Hello, Les.
JENNY:
Would you like to join me?
Of course.
(She sits.
Pause.)
LES:
Haven’t see you in a while.
JENNY: Oh, busy at work.
charts... to review.
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Oh....
Had to be in early.
I had...
I wasn’t here on Monday, either.
Really?
Oh, yeah, I guess that’s right.
My motorcycle broke down.
Oh, that sucks.
Had to push it all the way up the Counterbalance actually.
What a drag.
Thought about calling, but-Here?
Yeah.
For me?
Yeah.
219473899 7/12/2016
83
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Why?
Just thought... I don’t know.
That would’ve been silly, hunh.
(Lights shift.)
LES:
JENNY:
I never missed another coffee.
Yeah, well, whaddya want?
A medal?
(Lights shift.)
JENNY:
LES:
What are you doing Halloween?
Halloween?
Uh... no plans.
Working probably, but... why?
JENNY: Oh, well, a bunch of people I know throw this huge
costume bash down in an old warehouse south of the Kingdome.
It’s open to anyone... so...you should come if you can.
LES: That sounds great. Can I come late? I don’t think I’d be
able to get off much earlier than midnight.
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Oh, yeah.
Cool.
This thing goes late, very late.
Then I’ll definitely... try and be there.
And bring whoever you want.
Thanks, but uh... I don’t know who I’d bring.
Bring Jonathan.
What?
Bring Jonathan.
I’m not bringing Jonathan.
JENNY: Why not? You’re always telling me how he’s living like
a monk these days. Might be good for him to get out and have
some fun.
LES:
Fine.
I’ll bring Jonathan.
I’m sure he’ll be the life of
219473899 7/12/2016
84
the party.
(A special lights Jonathan.)
JONATHAN:
LES:
I can’t go to a Halloween party.
Oh, you’re going.
JONATHAN:
No, Les.
I can’t.
I’m sorry.
(Les follows a cross-fade from Jenny to Jonathan.
Jenny exits.)
LES: No. I’m sorry, Jonathan. I’m sorry I made it sound like
I was offering you an option. I’m not. You’re going. ‘Cuz if
you don’t go, Jenny’ll think I didn’t invite you, or worse, told
you not to come and then she’ll think that I.... You’re going.
JONATHAN: Look, Les. I’m like a recovering alcoholic, okay?
And for me going to a Halloween party is tantamount to attending
a liquor convention. I mean, think about it: all those women
dressed as mermaids, and kittens, and belly dancers, naughty
nurses, Catholic school girls. All of them high on the whole
shameless-flirt-with-abandon atmosphere of All Soul’s Eve. It’d
be like a libidinous level of hell for me. I’d be better off at
the Playboy Mansion.
LES:
You’ll deal.
JONATHAN:
No, Les, I cannot--
LES: You’ll deal! Or I’ll haul you back to the top of the
Aurora Bridge and toss you off myself.
JONATHAN:
LES:
You really like her, hunh?
Jonathan!...
Make sure and pick a good costume.
(Jonathan exits.
Lights specify on Les, who begins stripping to
his underwear.)
1987. I first move here from... well... points East.
never laid eyes on the place. Act of faith. Boom.
I’d
(Noëlle enters, carrying a costume on a hanger,
which she exchanges with Les for his former clothes as
219473899 7/12/2016
85
she crosses down in front of him.)
Thank you, Noëlle.
1997. I’m putting on this idiotic motley fool’s costume so
I can go to some idiotic Halloween party in some warehouse South
of the idiotic Kingdome. Boom.
(Once dressed in his motley doublet, pumpkin
pants and tights, Les whitens his face with powder,
and reddens his nose and cheeks rouge.)
2007. Am I still bartending? Would it be so awful if I
was? Is the fact that I simply want to sleep with some pretty
girl supposed to somehow save me from some terrible fate of
loneliness? Boom?
2017. Boom.
2027. Boom.
20-who-knows? Boom boom boom.
Dirty little secret? Just ask Mr. Torgerson.
Boom. No
matter how good it gets. Boom. Or how long it lasts. Boom.
It always ends badly. Boom boom boom.
(From a hidden pocket Les pulls a stick puppet
replica of himself in fool’s garb.)
Ready?
(The puppet nods, jingling.)
Good.
Let’s go.
(shouting off stage)
Jonathan?!
JONATHAN (from offstage):
LES:
Yes.
Are you ready?
(Jonathan enters dressed as an Amish elder,
broad-brimmed black hat and mustache-less beard.)
JONATHAN:
LES:
Good.
Yes.
Let’s go.
(They walk a small circle around the stage as
219473899 7/12/2016
86
lights shift and pulsing dance music swells.
Enter Jenny wearing fishnet stockings beneath a
very tight, very short blue silk dress. Two red horns
jut from her head and a pointy red tail sticks out
below her hem. She holds a plastic pitchfork.)
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Les!
Hey, Jenny!
Wow!
Oh, come on.
Who are you?
Think about it.
It’ll hit ya.
Uh...
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Jonathan!
The devil in a blue dress, Les.
Very good, Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
I knew you’d get it.
Right.
JENNY: And you must be... let’see... don’t tell me.
dealer! Right?
JONATHAN: Exactly. Not many people get it.
I have a joke that goes with the costume.
JENNY:
A crack
Wanna hear it?
Of course!
JONATHAN: Okay. What goes clickety-clack, clickety-clack...
BANG!... Clickety-clack, clickety-clack?
JENNY:
I dunnoh.
JONATHAN:
What?
An Amish drive-by.
(Jenny cracks up, all out of proportion to the
joke’s funniness.)
JENNY:
Omygod!
Omytotalgod, that’s fucking FUNNY!
JONATHAN: I’m glad you liked it.
I told him.
Les didn’t laugh at all when
JENNY: No, I don’t imagine he would.
And how ‘bout you, Les? Do you have a joke to go with your
costume? I mean, besides yourself of course.
219473899 7/12/2016
87
LES:
Hee haw.
JENNY:
LES:
That’s a friggin’ riot.
Where’s the keg?
Um... over there.
Thanks.
(As he goes:)
Boom... boom... boom...
(Les exits.)
JENNY:
What’s up his butt?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Excuse me?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
You.
He likes you.
Ya think?
JONATHAN:
Isn’t it obvious?
JENNY: I guess.
Anyway, how ‘bout you, Jonathan?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Not really.
No?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
No.
That’s too bad.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
I’m good.
Yeah?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
How you doing lately?
I imagine I’ve earned myself some hardship.
Whatever.
JONATHAN:
And obviously I owe you an apology.
JENNY: No. You don’t owe me anything. That was years ago.
And I’m responsible for my own stupidity, thank you very much.
219473899 7/12/2016
88
JONATHAN:
Even so--
JENNY: Fine. Whatever. Apology accepted.
Les, tells me you’re teaching music.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
My brother teaches music in Spokane.
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
Loves it.
My kids hate me.
Oh, come on.
JONATHAN:
week.
JENNY:
Yes, that’s right, in Puyallup.
No, it’s true.
Jesus!
JONATHAN:
One even threatened to stab me last
What is it with high school kids these days?
I teach kindergarten.
JENNY: Oh.
Do you mind if I ask you a question?
JONATHAN:
Of course not.
JENNY: Don’t you think you’re milking this whole broken-man
martyr thing just a little bit?
JONATHAN:
I’m sorry?
JENNY: Exactly. That’s the problem. You’re sorry. You’re
sorry. Boo hoo. Who cares? You’re sorry, so what? Have you
ever even called this woman who had your kid? Hasn’t it been
like two years or something?
JONATHAN:
JENNY:
She made me promise not to.
So?
JONATHAN: So... I’m trying to... for once in my life... be a
better man.
JENNY: Ah yes, the infamous “better man.” How ‘bout just a
man? You know? How ‘bout that? I mean, exactly who are you
protecting anyway?
219473899 7/12/2016
89
JONATHAN:
Why are you so angry at me?
JENNY: Why? I don’t know. Why not?
not you I’m mad at. Who cares?
I’m drunk.
Maybe it’s
JONATHAN: I just don’t necessarily think it’s right that I
should screw with some little girl’s life just to satisfy my
egotism?
JENNY: Spoken like a true “better man.” You’re her father.
Maybe she’s got a right to have her life screwed with by her
real father.
JONATHAN:
That makes no sense.
JENNY: I know.
Excuse me.
Oh, fuck it.
I don’t know what I’m saying.
(She follows a cross-fade to Les, standing next
to a keg, nursing a cup of foamy beer.)
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Hi.
Hello.
How’s the beer?
Mm.
Foamy.
Don’t knock it.
Buh-dump-pah!
Least you’re getting some head.
And she’s here all week, ladies and germs!
Why do I get the feeling you’re avoiding me?
What?... no.
No?
No.
What?
No.
I--
You what?
219473899 7/12/2016
90
LES:
Just thought you might want some time alone with Jonathan.
JENNY:
LES:
What?
Why would I want that?
I don’t know.
JENNY:
LES:
Oh, god.
Fan the long smoldering embers.
Please.
Please what?
JENNY:
LES:
Shut it.
What “shut it”?
JENNY:
LES:
Even you’re not this dense.
Yes, I am.
JENNY:
LES:
Or... wait... I mean--
Les, can I tell you something?
Sure, I guess.
JENNY:
LES:
It’s a desperately sad secret.
Um... okay.
(Jenny pulls Les’s ear to her as if to whisper in
it, then at the last moment she turns his mouth and
kisses him, sweetly, deeply. Les lets his hands glide
over the smooth silk of her dress. Finally they break.)
That’s the secret, hunh?
JENNY:
LES:
Yup.
Can ya keep it?
I think so.
JENNY:
Ah, screw it.
It ain’t so secret.
(She pulls him to her again.
and laughs.
Omytotalgod!
LES:
JENNY:
Then pushes away
I can’t believe me.
What?
I’m totally throwing myself.
219473899 7/12/2016
91
LES:
No.
It’s good.
Throw.
Throw away.
(They kiss again.
Jenny pushes away, frowning.)
What is it? Look, Jenny, if you’re worried, you shouldn’t.
I really, really-JENNY (grabbing her gut):
LES:
What?
JENNY:
LES:
It’s just uh... about six too many shots of Yager.
JENNY:
Are you gonna be okay?
Uh... in a minute or so.
Who drinks Yager?
JENNY:
LES:
What’s a matter?
Oh, god.
LES:
Oh boy.
Will you excuse me?
Sure.
Do you need help?
JENNY: No. What I think I’m about to do is pretty much a oneperson operation.
(She exits in a hurry.
Les doesn’t notice as Noëlle enters, dressed as
Mother Teresa. He lifts his beer just as she speaks.)
NOËLLE:
Hello, Les.
(Turning as he sips, Les dumps the whole beer down
his front, particularly soaking his pumpkin pants.)
Oh, no!
LES:
I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to startle you.
It’s okay.
NOËLLE: No, I’ve made you make a mess of yourself.
LES: No.
NOËLLE:
It’s all right.
Don’t worry about it.
It’s such a great costume though.
219473899 7/12/2016
92
LES:
Yeah.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Yeah.
NOËLLE:
LES:
What are you doing here?
You?
The same.
Wow!... I’ve forgotten how much I’ve missed you.
You never did understand, Les.
You’re telling me.
NOËLLE:
I had a reason for not going to London, you know.
LES: Look. I’m not questioning that.
not do this, ‘kay? Bygones?
NOËLLE:
LES:
Wet now, but good.
Well... that’s probably just as well, hunh?
NOËLLE:
LES:
Very good, actually.
Well... good.
NOËLLE:
LES:
How are you?
Oh, a friend invited me.
NOËLLE:
LES:
It’s perfect.
Oh, Les.
Good, good....
NOËLLE:
LES:
I know.
That’s me.
NOËLLE:
LES:
I mean--
Let’s um... let’s uh...
I was having an abortion.
Christ.
NOËLLE: So... I just couldn’t, you know, get psyched about
seeing... Elvis.
LES:
Jesus....
NOËLLE:
LES:
Jonathan’s?
No.
The Figaro’s from the Gold Cast?
219473899 7/12/2016
93
NOËLLE:
LES:
Les.
Yeah, you’re right. Hardly matters.
Why didn’t... why didn’t you tell me?
NOËLLE:
you....
LES:
I didn’t want to.
I did.
I didn’t... I really cared for
Okay.
NOËLLE:
LES:
Les, I cared so much for you.
Noëlle.
NOËLLE:
I’m sorry...
what... do you want?
I just saw you standing here and I...
(Tears begin to roll down her face.)
LES:
It’s all right.
NOËLLE:
I-- oh god!
Look... it’s all right.
I’m just some empty cunt to you, aren’t I?
(Les puts his arms around Noëlle to comfort her.)
LES: No. No. Noëlle. Look, I never knew what you were to
me... or me to you... but not that... no.
(Noëlle pushes back and looks into Les’ eyes.)
NOËLLE:
LES:
I love you.
No.
Noëlle, look-(Noëlle pulls him into a kiss.
Jenny re-enters.)
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
Hello, Les!
Jenny!
That’s quick work.
This is.... of course... not what it looks like.
Of course not.
And this--
(giving him the finger)
--Isn’t either.
My god, you blew it.
Or wait... maybe it is. Fuck you, Les.
You so... fucking... blew it.
219473899 7/12/2016
94
(She turns and runs offstage.)
LES:
Jenny!...
(pause)
Well, that just had to fucking happen, didn’t it?
(Les goes to the bar and grabs a bottle of Jim Beam.
Cross-fade to a special up on Jonathan, and then
another special up on Gretchen opposite, wearing a sexy
Santa suit. They both face forward.)
GRETCHEN:
Merry Christmas....
Hello?
JONATHAN:
Hello.
GRETCHEN:
This is Gretchen.
JONATHAN:
Gretchen, this is Jonathan.
Is this Gretchen?
Who is this?
(pause)
Jonathan Newman.
GRETCHEN:
Yes, I know.
What can I do for you?
JONATHAN: Well, uh... it’s ironic you should ask me that...
because really... all I want is to know what I can do for you?
And what I can do for.... Is it a girl?
GRETCHEN:
Yes.
She’s a girl.
JONATHAN:
What I can do for her.
GRETCHEN:
Nothing.
JONATHAN:
Nothing....
GRETCHEN:
Her name’s Jessica.
JONATHAN:
Jessica.
GRETCHEN:
She’s beautiful.
JONATHAN:
I’ll bet...
Right, well, of course.
Of course not.
It’s beautiful.
I’ll just bet she is.
219473899 7/12/2016
95
(pause)
GRETCHEN:
Jonathan.
JONATHAN:
Yeah?
GRETCHEN:
It’s Christmas.
JONATHAN:
Yeah.
GRETCHEN:
And it’s late here.
JONATHAN: Yeah, right. Here, too. I’m sorry.
thanks for talking with me, Gretchen.
GRETCHEN:
It’s all right.
JONATHAN:
Well, then... uh, good-bye.
GRETCHEN:
You’ll think of it.
JONATHAN:
I’m sorry?
GRETCHEN:
What you can do.
JONATHAN:
Oh... you think so?
GRETCHEN:
Well, I don’t know.
JONATHAN:
I... I don’t know.
GRETCHEN:
All right.
Well, uh...
You’ll think of it.
Maybe.
Why not?
Why not?
Good night.
JONATHAN: Good night.
Merry Christmas, ladies.
(Lights out on Gretchen.
Jonathan goes to the piano and sits.
moment he simply stares at the keys.
For a long
Every good boy does fine.
(Jonathan plays this simple series of notes: E-GB-D-F.)
All cows eat grass.
219473899 7/12/2016
96
(Then this series.)
Face it.
(Suddenly Jonathan launches into a powerful freeform improvisation that runs the gamut of the emotions
he’s been bottling up. The music fades out as the
lights shift to Les at his radio console, still
swigging the dregs from his Jim Beam bottle.)
LES: Well, folks, it’s 3:21 on a Sunday morning, All Saints
Day, and I’m just about glad. That’s right...
“I’m just about glad we didn’t do that thing.
Just about glad we didn’t have that fling.
And though the passion still flutters and flickers,
It never got into our knickers”
“For all the courage we never had.
I‘m... just... about... glad.”
(Les pushes a button; the song begins to play.
A door slams. Jenny enters, stumbles, falls flat
on her face.)
JENNY:
LES:
SHIT!
Whoa!
JENNY:
Shut it!
LES: Whoa! Folks! It’s either Jenny Wolfe... or I have drunk
myself into a haluci-- a ha-- ha -- haluci-- drunk myself
stupid. Or-JENNY:
LES:
Both.
JENNY:
LES:
Jesus!
Owwww!
Owwww!
I hope you didn’t drive here like that.
JENNY: I got a ride, thank you.
you “parked” your motorcycle.
LES:
You should talk.
I saw where
I did that on purpose.
219473899 7/12/2016
97
JENNY:
LES:
Oh yeah?
Yeah. I always hated that fucking tree.
... Hey.
JENNY:
LES:
Hey what?
Are you okay?
(She stands.)
JENNY:
LES:
What the fuck do you care?
I care.
JENNY:
LES:
You care?
I care.
JENNY:
You don’t care.
LES: Whatever...
more Yager.
You don’t care if I care, so... have some
JENNY:
Have some more whiskey.
LES:
Fuck you.
Don’t mind if I will.
(He sucks on his bottle.)
JENNY:
Noëlle drove me here.
(pause)
LES:
Noëlle who?
JENNY: Cute. Told me some very interesting things.
You’re off the hook, wussy. Or rather back on it.
LES:
Oh...
What?
(Jenny goes to the c.d. player, hits eject and
breaks the disk in half. Then she opens a c.d. case
she brought with her, puts that disc into the machine
and hits play. Pulling Les’ microphone to her face,
219473899 7/12/2016
98
she reads from the liner insert’s lyric sheet:)
JENNY: Hey! Trainspotters!
“I hade a dream last night
Of two lovers who walked the plank
Out on the edge of time, amidst ridicule.
Now listen to this, and listen carefully, all you pathetic
brittle brutal boy worshipers:
“Before they went overboard,
She turned and held up a card
And it said valentine.”
“Valentine...”
LES:
Okay, motherfuckers?
Valentine.
Okay.
(Les puts his arms around her.)
JENNY (into the mic):
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
Sean Colvin.
Okay.
Those are fucking lyrics.
Okay.
Don’t fuck with me, pal.
I wouldn’t dream of it.
I take this chance on you, you better not fuck it up.
I won’t.
I will kick your ass!
I know.
Do you?
Yes.
You do?
I do.
219473899 7/12/2016
99
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
JENNY:
LES:
You...
Me what?
Incredible...
Yeah?
Wussy!
You’re the wussy.
Shut it.
You shut it.
I am the queen!
So?
So you must do my bidding.
So?
So do it.
...’Kay.
(Fade to black.
End of play.)
219473899 7/12/2016