NORTH STAR VAUD
by K. Brian Neel, the Ensemble, and others when noted
THE BILL
Act 1
Act 2
Intro: Deuling Emcees
Joplin Trumpet
Clemenstra n Lily
Language Barriers
Lambchops
Hotclap
Toothpaste with Mama
Twin Bed Threesome
Blue Question
Jesus
Chaos Brewing
Trek Chalk Talk
Just You and Me
All Hell Breaks Loose
Lily Plays Piano
Face Program
Typewriter
Hotclap’s Story
Good Dog
Wouldn't it be Loverly
Red and Ana May
False Intro
Cups
Mama’s Wings
Troupe Comique
Clemenstra Closes Theater
Harvest Moon
HoopsBurlesque
NORTH STAR VAUD
1
INTRO: DUELING EMCEES
6:00
Red and Angie both storm the stage to introduce the show:
RED, ANGIE: Welcome to North Star Vaud, have we got a show for you tonight...
We have the best live vaudeville in Seattle.
Each say they were set to emcee the show, debate of this a bit, then introduce
each other (including brief summary bios).
They introduce the first act:
RED, ANGIE: First up we have for you a marvelous, frolickingly fun animal act, Danca
O Merengue!"
Cork enters with the news of the dog and pony act canceling. All discuss more
options of acts that may cover.
They decide on Stone Swallowers.
Cork goes to check on the Stone Swallowers. Angie and Red cover by talking
about other stuff on the bill tonight:
RED, ANGIE: Tonight's show is especially special, joining us tonight, all the way from
the east coast, direct from contract with Keith Orpheum, the slap-dash applesauce
antics of Troupe Comique!"
Stacia enters with Angie’s bottle of booze. She is shy. As Angie deflects her,
Stacia is starstruck by the audience. She collapses in a bundle of nerves and exits.
RED, ANGIE: Also on the bill tonight, we have have an hysterical, funny that is, short
play called Face Program.
RED, ANGIE: And, in the second act, another lyrical and touching playlet by Seattle
playwrights Bret Fetzer and Juliet Waller Pruzan titled Good Dog.
Fresh off the train, bags in tow, Mama enters. Red and Angie recognize her
immediately, Introduce her to the audience.
Mama tells of her recent adventures.
Red and Angie interview her a bit about her touring life and act.
Mama asks where the dressing room is. They do the dressing room schtick. Mama
exits.
Red and Angie introduce the Three Peters -- Stone Swallowers.
Cork re-enters, tells them they're not available either, and why.
Angie and Red go to introduce the “very small child”. Cork says that's no good
either, and explains why.
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2
Bag in tow, Ana May enters.
RED: Hello there, may I assist you?
ANA: Yes, is this the Crystal Palace?
ANGIE: Um, well, probably... not.
ANA: The driver told me this was the Crystal Palace on Second Avenue and Spring. I'm
performing there this week.
RED: Well, this is a Crystal Palace, of sorts.
ANA: Oh, good. I'm in the right theater.
ANGIE: Who are you, young lady?
ANA: I'm Ana May.
RED: Ana May! The Ana May? Ladies and gentlemen, the rising star of vaudeville, Ana
May!
ANA: Thank you. Thank you.
RED: I saw your act "The Moon Coming Over the Mountain" at the Palace in New York
last spring. I must tell you it was dreamy.
ANGIE: (Calling O.S.) Cork!
Cork and Tony enter, arguing/discussing something technical.
RED: This is Ana May. She's a rising star, and we seem to have caught her in our pocket.
CORK: I know.
RED: You know.
CORK: Tony met her at the station.
RED: Tony met her at the station?
ANGIE: Train station.
RED: Yes, I know it's the train station.
CORK: She's on the bill tonight.
ANGIE: We figured that.
RED: Well then, Tony, would you see Miss Ana May to the star dressing room.
TONY: (protesting) Oh, I'm a tour guide now! Want me to shine her shoes while I'm at
it?!
ANGIE: (protesting) Star dressing room. That's my dressing room.
RED: Say, Ana May, I must say, you are even sweeter in person. Would there be any
chance you would join me for a scene later in the show, a little light banter and
shuffle?
ANA: I would love to. I'm a big fan of yours, Red.
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RED: Wow, a big fan of me. Who'd of thought?
Tony shows Ana the way off stage.
Cork, Red and Angie discuss more options on who's to open the show. Cirque
Comique? No, they're headlining, that would be an insult. The radio show
number, Twin Bed? No, Angie isn't ready for that yet, she hasn't done her vocal
warm ups or whatever.
Angie tells Cork to just do something. Cork exits with an idea.
Red doesn't see this, and gets “the band.” Olivia enters the stage. He introduces
her and invites her to play something for the audience.
Red and Angie exit in applause.
JOPLIN TRUMPET
2:00
Oliva plays Scot Joplin’s “The Entertainer” on piano while Cork does clown
schtick consisting of trying to setup and play his trumpet.
Scene ends with Olivia finishing the song as Cork gets one trumpet blast.
CLEMENSTRA ‘N’ LILY
2:00
Angie closes out the act:
ANGIE: Ladies and gentlemen, Olivia Jacobee Alston and… Cork.
She starts to introduce the next act when Clemensra enters. She’s from the
Governmental Board of Proper Theater (the GBPT), and they’ve gotten a laundry
list of complaints about the material at the North Star Vaud Theater. She will be
watching the joint this evening. Angie attempts to deflect her. This is a job for:
ANGIE: Red!
Angie and Clemenstra exit to find Red.
Lily enters from the house. She’s a hobo – homeless, dressed in rags. She
wanders into the audience, bothering the patrons as she slides into the isle and
takes a seat. She gets annoyed with the people near her, rises and ends up on
stage.
NORTH STAR VAUD
4
LANGUAGE BARRIERS
2:00
Mama enters the stage, suitcase still in hand, lost and confused.
She approaches Lily to ask directions to the dressing room.
Lily speaks in Vietnamese. Mama attempts to establish communication.
Ana May enters, script in hand, running her lines. Mama goes to her to ask
directions. Ana May joins in the fun by speaking in Japanese. Mama is
confounded.
Lily and Ana May talk to each other in English:
LILY: Hey, I’ve seen you before.
ANA MAY: Oh, well, I’m an actress.
LILY: Yea, I’ve seen you in the newspaper.
MAMA: Hey! You’re speaking English there.
Lily and Ana May go back into their foreign languages. The game is afoot.
Angie enters to introduce the next act, but sees the game. She joins the fun – in
Swedish! Mama exits frazzled. AnaMay exits smiling.
Angie and Lily interact tentatively.
ANGIE: Cork!
Cork enters. He ropes Lily to run spotlight
ANGIE: Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway, our next act is an homage to
Vaudeville greats George Buns and Gracie Allen. North Star Vaud presents our own
Red and guest star Ana May in… Lambchops!
LAMBCHOPS
8:00
George and Gracie enter holding hands. Gracie stops, turns, looks toward the
wings, and waves. She lets go of George's hand and walks toward the wing, still
waving. Then she stops and beckons to whomever she is waving to come out. A
man comes out, puts his arms around Gracie, and kisses her, and she kisses him.
They wave to each other as he backs offstage. Gracie returns to George center
stage.
Gracie: Who was that?
George: You don't know?
Gracie: No, my mother told me never to talk to strangers.
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5
George: That makes sense.
Gracie: This always happens to me. On my way in, a man stopped me at the stage door
and said, "Hiya, cutie, how about a bite tonight after the show?"
George: And you said?
Gracie: I said, "I'll be busy after the show but I'm not doing anything now," so I bit him.
George: Gracie, let me ask you something. Did the nurse ever happen to drop you on
your head when you were a baby?
Gracie: Oh, no, we couldn't afford a nurse, my mother had to do it.
George: You had a smart mother.
Gracie: Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher
was in my class for five years.
George: Gracie, what school did you go to?
Gracie: I'm not allowed to tell.
George: Why not?
Gracie: The school pays me $25 a month not to tell.
George: Is there anybody in the family as smart as you?
Gracie: My sister Hazel is even smarter. If it wasn't for her, our canary would never have
hatched that ostrich egg.
George: A canary hatched an ostrich egg?
Gracie: Yeah...but the canary was too small to cover that big egg.
George: So?
Gracie: So...Hazel sat on the egg and held the canary in her lap.
George: Hazel must be the smartest in your family.
Gracie: Oh, no. My brother Willy was no dummy either.
George: Willy?
Gracie: Yeah, the one who slept on the floor.
George: Why would he sleep on the floor?
Gracie: He had high blood pressure-George: And he was trying to keep it down?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: I'd like to meet Willy.
Gracie: You can't miss him. He always wears a high collar to cover the appendicitis scar
on his neck.
George: Gracie, your appendix is down around your waist.
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Gracie: I know, but Willy was so ticklish they had to operate up there.
George: What's Willy doing now?
Gracie: He just lost his job.
George: Lost his job?
Gracie: Yeah, he's a window washer.
George: And?
Gracie: And...he was outside on the twentieth story washing a window and when he got
through he stepped back to admire his work.
George: And he lost his job.
Gracie: Yeah...And when he hit the pavement he was terribly embarrassed.
George: Embarrassed?
Gracie: Yeah...his collar blew off and his appendicitis scar showed.
George: Gracie, this family of yours-Gracie: When Willy was a little baby my father took him riding in his carriage, and two
hours later my father came back with a different baby and a different carriage.
George: Well, what did your mother say?
Gracie: My mother didn't say anything because it was a better carriage.
George: A better carriage?
Gracie: Yeah...And the little baby my father brought home was a little French baby so
my mother took up French.
George: Why?
Gracie: So she could understand the baby-George: When the baby started to talk?
Gracie: Yeah.
George: Gracie, this family of yours, do you all live together?
Gracie: Oh, sure. My father, my brother, my uncle, my cousin, and my nephew all sleep
in one bed and-George: In one bed? I'm surprised your grandfather doesn't sleep with them.
Gracie: Oh, he did, but he died, so they made him get up.
Cork, Tony and Mama pop in humming Tea for Two. George and Gracy begin to
dance.
George: You know, I think you're very nice.
Gracie: Yea, and I'm smart too.
NORTH STAR VAUD
7
George: Well, that's the finish of that. (dance.) If you're so smart, name three different
kinds of nuts.
Gracie: Walnuts and chesnuts...
George: That's two...
Gracie: And forget me nuts...
George: Lovely. (dance) What did you take up at school?
Gracie: Anything that wasn't nailed down.
George: You're too smart for one girl
Gracie: I'm more than one.
George: You're more than one?
Gracie: My mother has a picture of me when I was two.
George: Do you like to love?
Gracie: No.
George: Do you like to kiss?
Gracie: No.
George: What do like?
Gracie: Lamb chops.
George: Lamb chops. (short pause) Could you eat two big lamb chops alone?
Gracie: Alone? Oh no, not alone. With potatoes I could.
They shuffle off as the curtain closes.
HOTCLAP
2:00
Angie enters.
ANGIE: Ladies and gentlemen, Red and Ana May!
Curtain re-opens and Red and Ana May take a bow. Red steps forward.
RED: Ana May, ladies and gentlemen!
Curtain closes on Ana May.
Stacia and Ash enter with an Angie costume problem. Angie deflects them, telling
them to get off stage. Ash exits, but Stacia remains, unable to take her eyes off the
audience.
Angie and Red go to introduce the next act – the “very small child.” Stacia steals
focus by miming. Angie pushes her off stage.
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Angie and Red go to introduce the “very small child” Hotcalp enters.
HOTCLAP: She’s not ready.
ANGIE, RED: Who are you?
HOTCLAP: I’m her mother.
ANGIE, RED: She’s next up on the bill.
HOTCLAP: Have you ever tried to put a corset on a child? They move around a lot. I
have to put honey on the floor so she’ll stick there. But she broke free and ran away. I
can’t find her anywhere.
Cork enters. The child is locked in a crate.
Tony enters. The crate is smoking. Hotclap exits screaming about her child – the
kid is smoking her cigarettes. Tony says there are nitro-print films in that box that
are very flammable. He exits.
Angie, Red and Cork discuss who’s going to replace the act… again! Red pitches
the radio piece. They all agree.
Mama enters. She still can’t find the dressing room. Angie and Red ask her to
cover for them while they get ready to perform the radio piece.
TOOTHPASTE WITH MAMA
2:00
Mama tells a comedic story to the audience. Clemenstra serves her with blue slips
every moment she goes blue.
Mama introduces:
TWIN BED THREESOME
4:00
Three actors stand in tight individual pools of light facing the audience. All lines
should be delivered directly to the audience. The gender of the actors is not
important.
A: Oh yeah.
B: Uh. Uh. Uh.
C: Baby!
B: Uh uh uh
A: That’s so good!
B: Uhuhuh
NORTH STAR VAUD
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C: Yes!
B: Uhuhuh Oh! [Falls out of light hitting ground with a thud. Groans.]
A: You OK?
B: Yeah, I think so. [rises back into light] Where were we?
C: Right here gorgeous.
B: Oooh!
A: Don’t forget me.
B: How could I?
A: Ohhh.
C: Bring that over here!
A: Me?
B: No, me. Scoot over.
A: Shit! Watch your elbow!
C: Oh yeah.
B: That what you wanted?
C: Oh yeah. Uh huh.
B: Mmmm.
C: Oh. Oh. Oh.
A: That’s so hot. Mind if I help?
C: OH!
A: Scoot over.
B: There’s a wall here.
A: Well, let me…
B: No.
A: No?
B: No! I’m too crammed in here already! Just wait your turn.
A: OK. Sorry.
C: Ahem!
A, B:Sorry!
C: Get over here!
A: You got it babe!
B: Hey, watch it! [Falls out of light hitting ground with a thud. Groans.]
A, C: Sorry!
NORTH STAR VAUD
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B: It’s ok. No harm no foul. [rises back into light] Now where were we?
C: Why don’t you just lie back for a while?
A: Yeah, let us take care of you.
B: Ohhhh.
A: Feel good?
C: You like that.
B: Yeah. That’s nice.
A: Spread your legs a bit more.
C: Just relax.
B: Uhhhh.
C: Can you move your left leg a bit?
B: No. There’s a wall.
A: I’ll scoot over a bit.
B: You have room now?
C: Better, but…
B: Here, I’ll move my right.
The loud crash of a table falling over and a lamp smashing is heard.
A: I never really liked that lamp.
C: I Did.
B: Um, sorry.
A: Look, maybe this isn’t…
C: We could take a break.
A: No, I think I’ve lost the mood.
B: It’s my fault.
C, A: No, it’s mine.
B: I can pay for the lamp.
C: It’s alright.
A: Can you hand me my robe?
B: Where is it?
A: I think it’s by your knees.
C: No it’s over here.
B: Careful! [Falls out of light hitting ground with a thud. Groans.]
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C: Sorry!
B: I’m going home now.
A, C: I’ll call you!
BLUE QUESTION
1:00
Clemenstra enters aghast at this pornographic material. Red tries to satiate her,
playing dumb, explaining it was vocal percussion, whatever. He attempts to get
her to further define what is acceptable and what isn’t.
She explains the blue laws -- history.
She threatens to close down the theatre. Red, to illustrate his questions about the
laws, asks about a theoretical act….
JESUS
3:00
RED: The scene is a party. Well, there's a party in the other room and that party is the
Last Supper. And Jesus is in a room, sitting by himself; he's there, there's clearly a
party, something going on… a gathering of people having a good time in another
room. And he's sitting by himself, not moping, but contemplative. And Judas comes
in, and he says, hey Jesus, come on man, let's have some fun. You're my friend, I'm
following you, you're such a wise man... and jesus basically turns around and he's
like...
(curtain opens to reveal Judas in a toga.)
JESUS: ...listen, you know, actually I need to talk to you. Do you remember how
at dinner I said that one of you would betray me? And Judas is like...
JUDAS: Yea, uh, yea, what do you mean?
JESUS: Well, that's gonna be you. You're gonna betray me.
JUDAS: This, uh, well, this kind of, uh, takes me off guard.
JESUS: Understandably, I think.
JUDAS: What are you talking about? I'm not going to betray you! Why would I
betray you?
JESUS: Actually, I need you to betray me. You have to go to the Pharisees,
have to tell where I am, who i claim to be, tell the Romans, accept their
rewards. This needs to happen.
JUDAS: I'm not entirely on board with this this, Jesus. Why, why, why? Why
would I need to do this?
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JESUS: Listen, you need to understand -- I am, I am God. I am God, I have
come here to earth and I will be crucified. That's gonna happen.
JUDAS: What are you... Why? Why, what is what is your plan? What is this?!
JESUS: Basically, look, I'm very sorry, but here's the situation: for so long I have
given you laws and I have given you these rules and you've broken them.
You've disobeyed me and I've punished you, but you keep breaking them and
you keep forgetting and you keep doing these things. And the only way I
could try to figure out what was going through your heads was to do one thing
that I could never do as God, and that is to become human and gain
perspective. I kind of had to see what was happening from your point of view.
And now that I have... I, I, I am so so so sorry. I'm so sorry because I see how
awful it is, how shitty life is down here, and uh, the only thing I can do, the
only thing I can do is... leave you alone. I want to atone. I need to be
punished and the only thing that I can do, the only thing that can be done is
you have to give me up to the authorities. And they'll take me and I'll die. I'll
be gone, you'll never see me. Nothing. I'll be gone.
JUDAS: I'm obviously not pleased with this... course of events. But I've been told
by God to do this thing. I mean, look at Abraham, you wanna talk about shitty
things God tells you to do.
(curtain closes on Judas.)
RED: Uh, and so he does. And essentially we come to understand that Jesus
did not die on the cross for our sins. He died on the cross for his sins. Asking
for our forgiveness.
CLEMENSTRA: No, you could not do that act.
RED: Of course, we would never do that act. Never.
CHAOS BREWING
3:00
Red asks Clemenstra about her life, how she got into being a censor. She says she
was a performer. Red ask her to perform. Does she have any talents? Of course
she does. She goes off to prepare showing her skills.
Cork brings news of even more cancellations and tech problems.
Tony is flustered by the tech falling apart, or is frustrated while rigging the new
film projector system, or something.
Tony, Red and Cork exit.
Angie and Stacia enter. Stacia is begging to be put in the show. She demonstrates
more mime skills. Or burlesque skills. Angie adamantly says no.
Clemenstra enters balancing a pole while singing like Tiny Tim.
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Mama taps across the stage.
Red pushes Ash on stage and tells her to stall. Curtain opens. She takes off her
moustache and sheds her coveralls, underneath she is wearing a Star Trek
uniform
Curtain opens to reveal the chalkboard.
TREK CHALK TALK
3:00
(This text has been cut dramatically. Ashley will have final.) Hello lieutenants, I am
Yeoman Smith, Science and safety officer, USS Reliant. Congratulations on your
graduation from Star Fleet Academy, and thank you for signing your waivers. This
orientation is meant to inform you of safety procedures before your final assignments.
Now, as you can see as you look around the room, there are a lot of red shirts in here.
Statistically speaking, three out of five of you will be dead within a year.
I don't have to remind you that space is a dangerous place. It's a vacuum. It's cold -absolute zero. If there were a malfunction in your space suit, first, every molecule of
air would rush out of your lungs and your intestines. In another ten to fifteen seconds
you would black out. The blood vessels in your eyes would explode, and the saliva on
your tongue would, in fact, start to boil.
But that probably won't happen to you. Most of you will be assigned to engineering,
and will have direct contact with the warp engines. The warp core has a gravimetric
field displacement manifold. This reactor taps the energy released in a matterantimatter annihilation, and creates an artificial bubble of normal space time around
the spacecraft. Dilithium crystals are used to regulate this reaction and can be
bombarded with high levels of radiation. You, however, can not. If the crystals crack,
or the containment field fails, the subsequent interaction of antimatter would result in
a catastrophic release of energy. The resultant explosion would utterly destroy you.
And the ship. So you best be up on your safety protocols. Unless you're lucky enough
to be a Vulcan.
You see, a star ship is like a restaurant. You have the chef, the sous chef, manager...
you remember those people. Then you have the waiters, the host... you don't
remember them. You are the host. You are expendable.
You, sir, may find yourself in a gaseous cloud that sucks all the red corpuscles out of
you like a vampire.
You sir may find yourself a victim of one of the many jack the ripper entities in the
galaxy; it'll find its way on board, take command over the whole starship, and drive
you stark raving mad before it kills you.
You ma'am might die from a lizard man named Gorn throwing a giant boulder at you,
or as cannon fodder from a primitive weapon powered by sulfur.
An alien intelligence might simply blink you out of existence.
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You could be transported into the center of solid rock; or be duplicated in transport
because the computer pattern buffer malfunctioned due to the presence of a certain
magnetic ore; or a malfunction in the transporter sensor circuits results in an
insufficient signal to successfully rematerialize you to the transport pad. You don't
want the com-officer saying that you resemble something that won't live long.
If you're ever chosen to go on a landing party, God help you.
So...
Congratulations on your posts, at least you all lived a good lives, say goodbye to your
families now, congratulations and good luck. Dismissed.
Curtain closes.
Olivia enters with a ukulele and sits on top of the piano.
JUST YOU AND ME
3:00
By Zie Avi
You were sitting at the coffee table
where you're reading Kierkegaard
Minutes later, you proceeded to say
something that almost broke my heart
You said, "Darling, I am tired of livin' my routined life.
There's so much in the world that I'd like
to soak up with my eyes."
Well, baby I never did stop you from going out to explore
We can do it all together from the colds of the poles
to the tropics of Borneo
Ba da da ba da...
Let's pack our bags
and lie on the easy stream
feel the water on our backs
where we can carry on dreamin'
where we can finally
be where we'd like to be
Darlin', just you and me
Just you and me...
So Darlin', what do you say?
Does that sound like a plan to you?
We can build our own little world
where no one can come through
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We can live in huts made out of grass
we can greet father time as he walks pass
we can press feet into the dirt
a little mud, no, it wouldn't hurt
Ba da da ba da ba...
Let's pack our bags
and lie on the easy stream
feel the water on our backs
where we can carry on dreamin'
where we can finally
be where we'd like to be
Darlin', just you and me
ALL HELL BREAKS LOOSE
1:00
The theater is falling apart. The green room is on fire. Everyone rushes across the
front of the stage with problems in this order:
Cork (acts cancelling all over), Tony (in tech hell), Angie and Stacia (Stacia
stripping?), Clemenstra (mad at being set up), Mama (looking for help?), Ash
(dancing with a dress, still in her Star Trek uniform)
It peaks with Cork, Tony, Clemensrta, Stacia, and Mama on stage in utter chaos.
Angie yells for everyone to shut up. She and Red give everyone (except Stacia) a
role in the plays.
Everyone exits to prepare.
LILY PLAYS PIANO
1:00
Lily finds herself alone on stage again. She settles at the piano and plays a lovely
song.
Angie catches the last moment of the song and sends her backstage to get in
costume – she’s gonna be in a short play.
Angie introduces:
FACE PROGRAM
NORTH STAR VAUD
10:00
16
a play by K. Brian Neel
CHARACTERS:
Eyes
Dressed very stylish (business-like)
Mouth
Dressed in sultry leather (poetic, French?)
Ears
Dressed in sweats (hip)
Nose
Dressed like a dork (dorky)
SETTING:
The FACE control room of a sixteen year old boy.
NOTE:
The tone is somewhere between NASA and Woody Allen. There are no props or set
pieces. The actor positions at "work" should be full-body abstract shapes suggesting their
roles, looking strait out over the audience. The bigger the better. The shapes stay at the
positions -- there is an eye shape, and ear shape, etc. (They take over each other's shapes
at times.) Improvisation is encouraged.
Eyes, Lips, and Ears enter the control room from all different directions, shaking
hands, hugging, etc. They sip coffee. Stretch out. Eyes checks his clipboard
occasionally.
EYES: Good evening, Ears.
EARS: What's up, Eyes? Mouth.
MOUTH: These lips are red rosy, most sweet, and pucker.
EARS: You are awesome, do you know that! I love this guy.
EYES: Where's Nose?
NOSE: I'm here. I'm here. Sorry I'm late. Feeling a little stuffy today.
EYES: No tears.
NOSE: What's the evening look like, Eyes? Are we busy?
EYES: Let me check. Oh my sensory brothers, it looks as though we're going on a date!
ALL: Oh yeah! Awesome. Sweet. (Etc.)
MOUTH: To kiss and linger. Perhaps a tip of tongue.
EARS: Damn strait: hopin'. Dat's all I'm sayin'.
NOSE: I don't know, I'm kind of runny...
EYES: Let's be on the ball, everyone. Let's get that kiss!
EARS: Anyone seen Skin?
NOSE: He wasn't in the pancreas.
ALL: (calling off) Skin! Skin! (Etc.)
MOUTH: Without buds to entice a bee, a silky taunt, not for we.
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EYES: Oh dear retina, we're a go in thirty seconds!
They rush to take positions at their respective stations.
NOSE: We can't go without Skin.
EARS: He's probably hanging out with extremity operations. As usual.
NOSE: It's where he belongs, technically speaking.
EARS: Damn budget cuts! I tell ya, we'll all end up in the rectum.
EYES: We'll all have to cover for Skin.
ALL: Awe, man! Come on! Seriously! (Etc.)
NOSE: Was that a pun?
EARS: I can't listen and touch at the same time.
NOSE: "Have to Cover?" For Skin? Oh, never mind.
EYES: What else are we gonna do? Positions in ten. We have confirmation from motor
function. Getting a thumbs up from control. Impulse systems are dialed down. We're
online in five. Four. Three.
He hand signals: Two and One.
EYES: We're at the front door. Red door.
EARS: Birds are chirping.
Long pause. They all look at each other...
ALL: (mouthing to each other) What's going on?
EYES: Motor function is down. Cover for Skin. Nose.
Nose reluctantly moves to the Skin position.
NOSE: Oh great, get the underused sense to do it. He doesn't do anything. (in Skin
position.) Knocking on door.
EYES: Door movement. Mother figure.
MOUTH: Greetings and salutations.
EYES: Entering living room.
EARS: Classical music.
NOSE: (rushing back to Nose position.) Hint of sour kraut.
They all roll their eyes at Nose.
EYES: Girl in sight. It's Gloria. Oh... my... goodness. Low cut dress. Don't look. Don't
look.
MOUTH: Keeping lips closed.
EYES: Look at the face. Look at the face. Loosing control... Looking. Starring!
NORTH STAR VAUD
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MOUTH: Mouth open!
EYES: Can't look away!
MOUTH: Salivating!
EYES: Closing. Closing. Shut.
Eyes drop position. He can't handle it. Ears breaks position.
EARS: Eyes. Get it together! Come on, man!
Eyes take a deep breath and re-join.
EYES: Eyes opening. Carpet. White shag. Looking... up.
MOUTH: (saving the day.) Smiling.
ALL: Good save. Nice one. Well done Lips. (etc.)
NOSE: Perfume. Nominal reading.
They all roll their eyes at Nose and moan.
EYES: Something's happening. Nose. (motions to skin position.)
NOSE: I'm going. (he goes.) Hand holding. Cold hand.
EYES: Leaving house. Walking to car.
MOUTH: Conversation. Awkward.
NOSE: (at Skin) Getting door.
EARS: Creaking.
NOSE: Other door.
EARS: Creaking. Slam. Slam.
NOSE: Turning key.
EARS: Revving.
NOSE: Maneuvering.
EYES: Driveway. Road.
MOUTH: Conversation.
EYES: Road. Road.
MOUTH: Conversation.
EYES: Road. Gloria. Road.
MOUTH: Engaging conversation.
EYES: Gloria. Road. Gloria.
MOUTH: Funny joke. Laughing.
EYES: Gloria. Gloria. Gloria. Gloria.
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EARS: SCREACHING!
EYES: ROAD!
Pause.
MOUTH: Awkward laugh.
NOSE: (back in Nose position.) Burnt rubber.
Eyes motion to Nose to get back to Skin.
EARS: Silence. Awkward silence. Very awkward silence.
EYES: Arriving at restaurant. Parking.
EARS: Creak. Slam. Creak. Slam. Steps. Steps. Steps.
EYES: Door opening.
EARS: Hubub. Hubub. Hubbub. Hubbub.
EYES: Sitting. Gloria.
MOUTH: Smiling. Smiling. Smiling too long. Searching for conversation... connecting to
conversation. Asking question.
EARS: Listening.
EYES: Menu.
MOUTH: Ordering. Back to conversation.
NOSE: (at skin) Pouring tea.
EARS: Listening.
MOUTH: Sipping tea. Hot. Hot.
NOSE: Getting ice water.
MOUTH: Ice water. Ice. Cooling off. Cooling. Cooler. Tepid. And... swallowing.
EYES: Dinner is served.
Nose races back to his natural position.
NOSE: Traces of Asian spices...
They all roll their eyes at Nose and moan.
NOSE: (persevering) cumin, curry, chili, Galangal, notes of lemon grass, turmeric,
peanuts, nutmeg and chocolate.
He runs back to the Skin position.
NOSE: Operating cutlery.
MOUTH: Tasting. Mmmmmmm. Mmmmm. Uh oh. Spice. Spicy!
EYES: Watering. (repeating.)
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MOUTH: Burning. (repeating.)
NOSE: Forehead sweating. (He races back to Nose position.) Nose running. (back.)
Upper lip sweating. (forth.) Nose running. (back.) Top of head sweating.
EYES: Crying.
MOUTH: Breathing.
Ears take over for Nose at Skin position, saving the day.
EARS: Wiping eyes, wiping upper lip, wiping forehead, wiping mouth. Putting rice in
mouth...
MOUTH: Coughing...
EARS: Into napkin.
Pause of relief.
MOUTH: Continue eating rice. Complete meal.
EARS: (as Skin) Getting chair.
EYES: Standing. Walking out.
EARS: Holding hand.
MOUTH: Talking. Talking. (important -- to Ears) Talking!
Ears run to original position.
EARS: And... listening. Listening. HEARING. Hearing very well. Understanding.
MOUTH: Tongue!
ALL: Tongue?!
MOUTH: Tongue back in.
EYES: Entering movie theater.
NOSE: Popcorn!
They all roll their eyes at Nose and moan, quite largely this time.
EYES: Not buying popcorn. Sitting. Watching movie.
EARS: Listening to movie.
EYES: Movie. Movie.
EARS: Movie. Movie.
BOTH: Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie. Movie.
Movie....
This goes on long enough for Lips and Nose to take a coffee break, converse to
each other, do something interesting, whatever. Stretch the audience's patience!
EYES: Credits!
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EARS: Academy award nominated song.
EYES: Credits!
MOUTH: (In position, but talking to others.) Do I talk?
ALL: (discussing) I don't know. Nothing's going on. Other people are getting up. Should
we make a move? (etc.)
MOUTH: Tongue. (beat.) Tongue back in mouth.
EYES: Gloria's moving!
NOSE: (at Skin position) Grabbing her.
Everyone gasps.
NOSE: Hand. Grabbing her hand.
EYES: Walking up the isle. Into the lobby. Out the front door. Nighttime.
EARS: Crickets. Traffic.
EYES: Firefly! There's a firefly!
ALL: (breaking) Oh, wow. Haven't seen that in a while. I love those little guys. (etc.)
EYES: Walking to car.
NOSE: Getting door.
EARS: Creaking.
NOSE: Other door.
EARS: Creak. Slam. Slam.
NOSE: Maneuvering.
EYES: Road.
MOUTH: Conversation.
EYES: Road.
MOUTH: Conversation.
EARS: Hearing. Hearing. Understanding. Really understanding. Perceiving. Recognizing.
Sympathizing. Accepting. Valuing.
During the above Nose has casually moved back to his original spot. He doesn't
expect to be utilized, and then...
NOSE: Fart. (beat.) FART!
EYES: Driving.
EARS: (struggling to keep focused.) Listening.
NOSE: Stinky fart!
EARS: Not listening.
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EYES: Watering.
EARS: Tuning out.
MOUTH: Tongue!
Someone needs to get to the Skin position. They each struggle to get there, but are
stuck in the disgusting reaction. One by one they reach the Skin, but as they do so,
another person has to take over their position. A round robin. This ends up
cycling through until everyone has taken on everyone else's position and word at
least once.
NOSE: Fart!
EYES: Watering!
EARS: Goblydeegook!
MOUTH: Tongue!
Eventually when they're back in their original positions, Nose hits the mark:
NOSE: (in Skin position) Rolling down window!
ALL: (cheering!) YEAH!
EYES: Pulling over. Parking. Getting out. Walking Gloria to front door. Stopping.
Looking at her. She's looking at us. She's leaning in...
MOUTH: Lips... puckering... kissing.
EARS: Moaning.
NOSE: Sage.
Long beat. They are all into it -- like they are the one she is kissing.
MOUTH: Tongue!
They all cheer and take a group high-five.
Blackout.
INTERMISSION
NORTH STAR VAUD
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ACT 2
BLUE SLIPS
2:00
Angie enters to welcome the audience back for act 2:
ANGIE: Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen. I’m so happy you didn’t run away. Not
that I’d blame you. I would like to assure you, all the issues backstage have been
remedied. The fire that didn’t happen is under control, and the second act is going to
knock your socks off! (Vaudeville Terminology here!) First up…
Clemenstra stops the action.
CLEMENSTRA: Hold on. Hold on, Anglie. I am ready to file my report to the GBPT…
ANGIE: But you just acted in our show. You were very believable as a man, by the way.
Doesn’t that change you opinion of us a little bit?
CLEMENSTRA: You think you can bribe me with a little role in your silly little play? I
do appreciate the gesture, it was exhilarating trodding the oak once more, oh, and the
applause… But I have more integrity than the foundations of this very theater, I
assure you. My report will be filed. I just need someone to type it up for me.
ANGIE: I’m certainly not going to do it! I’m not your secretary!
CLEMENSTRA: I don’t care how it gets done, but you get it done.
ANGIE: Stacia!
As Clemenstra exits, Statia enters.
STACIA: Yes, Miss Manning.
ANGIE: Type up Clemenstra’s Blue Law offences.
STACIA: I won’t do it, Miss Manning.
ANGIE: Excuse me!
STACIA: I’ve had enough of your brow beating. I quit.
ANGIE: You can’t leave the North Star! What will you do?
STACIA: I’m going to become an actress. I’m gonna reach for the moon!
ANGIE: Well, before you hurt your back reaching, type this up.
STACIA: No. (She hands her glasses to Angie.) I have to go and pack my things. Good
day to you, Mrs. Manning.
Angie huffs. Silently, she decides to just do it herself. She plants herself behind the
desk…
NORTH STAR VAUD
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TYPEWRITER
3:00
Music by Leroy Anderson
Angie does Jerry Lewis’ typewriter bit.
After she pulls up the paper, she stands, exits.
HOTCLAP’S STORY
2:00
Red enters to introduce the next act – Good Dog.
Hotclap enters with more excuses for her kid. Red is fed up with her kid’s issues –
they’ve been fired.
Hotclap tells of her tough life as a child-actor mom. Red is touched, offers her a
role. She goes off to prepare.
Red introduces:
GOOD DOG
8:00
a play by Bret Fetzer & Juliet Waller Pruzan
Characters
JANE, normally a good driver
HELENA, loves his dog
SUE, out for some tennis
GEORGINA, believes in the power of imagination
In the dark: The sound of a car.
Screeching tires. A thud and a dog’s yelp. A man’s voice:
JANE: Oh shit.
The lights come up, revealing Jane carrying a dead dog under a blanket.
She goes up to a door. She tries to ring the doorbell, but the dog is large
and awkward and She ends up scratching at the door with his foot. Jane
accidentally drops the dog in the process. As she bends to pick it up, the
door opens and an elderly blind man, Helena, appears. She puts out his
hand and touches Jane’s head.
HELENA: There you are, Buster.
NORTH STAR VAUD
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Jane is about to speak when Helena strokes his back with a white cane
and Jane realizes that he’s blind. Stricken with guilt, she freezes for a
moment. Helena doesn’t seem to realize that Jane is not his dog.
Come on, boy, let’s go to the park.
Jane looks around in desperation, gives a feeble woof and follows Helena.
They begin to walk through the park.
How’s the park today, Buster?
JANE: Woof.
HELENA: Yes, I know it’s autumn, I can tell by that particular smell. What color are the
trees, Buster?
JANE: Woof woof.
HELENA: Purple! I don’t believe you for a moment. We live in a world where the leaves
turn yellow and red. And sometimes you get a little of both in one tree, and when
the wind blows through them, they seem to flow over each other like waves. Here,
Buster, fetch.
She picks up a stick and tosses it a short distance. Jane starts to go after it
on all fours, then realizes she can stand and does so, walking the rest of
the way.
Sue enters.
SUE: Jane?
JANE: Shhhh!
SUE: Uh, what are you doing?
JANE: I’ll explain later. Could you say, Good boy?
SUE: Good Boy?
JANE: Yes, like you mean it.
SUE: GOOD BOY!
Jane delivers the stick to Helena, letting Helena take it from his mouth.
HELENA: Did you make a friend, Buster? Hello! Hello there! Helena sits on a bench.
Sue walks over, despite many gestures from Jane suggesting she do otherwise.
SUE: Hi there.
HELENA: Hello, young man. I’m Helena. Do you like my dog?
SUE: That’s a right handsome dog you’ve got there, sir.
HELENA: Is it? I always pictured Buster as sort of a mangy mutt.
SUE: No, practically a purebreed.
JANE: Grrrrr!
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HELENA: Buster! Be polite!
JANE: (more subdued) Grrrr.
HELENA: He seemed to like you just fine a moment ago.
SUE: Dogs can be so mercurial.
HELENA: Nonsense, dogs are very stable creatures. When they start acting out of sorts,
you should pay attention. I think I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
SUE: Excuse me?
HELENA: Run along, young man. I’m sure you have more important things to do that
chat with some old fart in the park.
SUE: I didn’t mean to offend...
HELENA: No offense, young man. But you should head on out.
SUE: Well...nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too, Buster, even if I put you out of sorts.
Jane barks at him.
HELENA: Buster, you made your point, no need to be rude.
Sue makes gestures suggesting that Jane has lost his mind. Jane sticks out
his tongue. Sue shrugs and exits.
What time do you think it is, Buster?
Jane barks.
I think so too. Come on.
Jane walks along behind Helena.
You’re a little slow today, Buster. That’s okay, I’m feeling a little slow myself.
Helena stops and points his cane.
Is that a door, Buster?
Jane barks; to his surprise, it is.
What color is that door, Buster?
Jane barks again.
Purple, huh? I think you’ve got purple on the mind. But this time I believe you,
and you’re playing games with me, aren’t you? You usually lead me straight to it.
Helena walks up to the door and knocks. Georgina opens the door.
GEORGINA: Helena, there you are. Come on in, come on in.
Helena enters. Georgina continues to hold the door, looking expectantly at
Jane. At no time in this scene does Georgina suggest she sees anything but
a dog.
Well? Are you coming in?
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Jane enters as well.
Good dog.
HELENA: He’s been a little fussy today.
GEORGINA: The change in weather can have that effect sometimes.
HELENA: Georgina, I need to visit the little boy’s room before we start.
GEORGINA: You know the way.
Helena exits.
Well, Buster, are you ready to dance?
JANE: I’m sorry?
GEORGINA: Arf arf arf!
JANE: Uh, yeah. Look, thanks for not giving it away.
GEORGINA: You’re just talking up a storm today, Buster.
JANE: See, uh, there was an accident. Buster ran out in front of my car, I didn’t even see
him—
Helena re-enters.
HELENA: You boys are practically having a conversation.
GEORGINA: He’s certainly got some wild hair up his ass.
Jane, confused, barks.
HELENA: Oh, he’ll settle down. So, what’s today’s lesson?
GEORGINA: Let’s just keep working on that waltz.
HELENA: Here, boy!
Jane goes to Helena. Helena bends over and puts out his hands.
Up!
Jane, now fully confused, makes his hands into fists and puts them in
Helena’s hands. Helena sets Jane’s fists on his shoulders and slowly rises
to a standing position. Jane follows him. It’s as if they were about to do a
slow dance in high school, with Jane’s arms almost around Helena’s neck,
but there’s still space between their bodies. Helena, after setting Jane’s
hands in place, keeps his left hand on Jane’s wrist and puts his right hand
on Jane’s side. Jane is unnerved but keeps up his role, and tries not to
seem like a full-sized human being.
GEORGINA: Ready?
HELENA: Let ‘er rip.
Georgina puts on a waltz record. Helena starts to waltz. Jane clumsily
follows. After few moments, Georgina stops the music. She walks over and
rubs Jane’s head.
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GEORGINA: Good boy, you’re getting in the swing of things. Helena, you need to lead a
little more aggressively, or Buster just gets confused.
HELENA: Well, it’s because I’m a little confused myself. Buster, how are you doing?
Not knowing what else to do, Jane barks.
Buster, I think you’re right.
Helena slowly sets Jane’s “forelegs” back on the ground. Jane returns to
all fours.
Georgina, we’re both a little out of sorts today. Mind if we cut the lesson short?
The sun is shining, and it does my old skin good to feel the warmth.
GEORGINA: Up to you. I don’t mind a little time before my 3 o’clock. Next week, then?
HELENA: Next week. Wow, that’s only a week away, isn’t it?
GEORGINA: Seven days.
HELENA: You know, it might be a little longer this time.
GEORGINA: Okay.
HELENA: But I’ll let you know.
GEORGINA: Let me see you out.
Georgina holds the door for Helena and Jane as they exit.
HELENA: Let’s go back to that park bench, Buster, what do you say?
Jane barks.
Describe the sky to me, Buster.
Jane barks.
Buster, you’re a poet. I couldn’t have put it better myself.
Helena stops and feels around with his cane until she hits the bench.
That the bench there, Buster?
Jane barks. Helena sits. Jane starts to sit on the ground beside him, then
sits on the bench itself. After a moment of indecision:
JANE: Helena?
HELENA: (without surprise) Yeah?
JANE: Helena, I...I have to go.
HELENA: Well, I figured you’d have to go sooner or later.
JANE: I’m really sorry.
HELENA: Don’t go feeling sorry for me, Buster.
Jane hesitates.
Go on, get out of here. Shoo.
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Jane gets up and walks away.
Goddamn dog.
Lights fade.
WOULDN’T IT BE LOVERLY
3:00
By Alan Jay Lerner and Frederick Loewe, from My Fair Lady
Lights rise on the same set. Ana May saunters on stage, suitcase in hand
– She’s leaving. She takes in the sight of the lovely stage, sets her case
down, sings.
All I want is a room somewhere,
Far away from the cold night air.
With one enormous chair,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Lots of choc'lates for me to eat,
Lots of coal makin' lots of 'eat.
Warm face, warm 'ands, warm feet,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Aow, so loverly sittin' abso-bloomin'-lutely still.
I would never budge 'till spring
Crept over me windowsill.
Someone's 'ead restin' on my knee,
Warm an' tender as 'e can be. 'ho takes good care of me,
Aow, wouldn't it be loverly?
Loverly, loverly, loverly, loverly
RED & ANA MAY
2:00
Curtain closes as Red enters. She stops her from leaving.
RED: That was just lovely, Ana May.
ANA MAY: Thank you, Red.
RED: Look, I know you’re big time and all, on Broadway, and in the Rags... Ana May,
would you like to stay on here at North Star for a while?
ANA MAY: I don’t know, Red. You tricked me.
RED: I’m so sorry.
ANA MAY: I missed my engagement at the Crystal Palace.
RED: I’m so sorry.
ANA MAY: I may be blacklisted from the Pantages Circuit.
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RED: I’m so sorry.
ANA MAY: I would love to.
RED: I’m so sorr… Uh, I mean. Really!? That’s fantastic. You mean it?
ANA MAY: I love it here. It feels like home.
RED: If this feels like your home, I’m not sure… Okay, thank you so much. You won’t
regret this Ana May.
They begin to exit.
ANA MAY: By the way, I’m not going to date you.
RED: That’s probably a good idea.
Ana May exits, but Red halts.
FALSE INTRO
1:00
Red realizes the audience is left in the lurch. He raises his energy and introduces
the big final act – Troupe Comique! (Or another act?)
Curtains open to Mama and Olivia stacking a mess of crap on stage. Angie has
ordered everything out of her dressing room, so they put it on stage!
RED: But why put it on stage!?
MAMA: The green room is smoldering.
OLIVIA: It’s really hot in there.
MAMA: Yea.
Red calls for Cork, who enters. They discuss what to do.
Cork orders them to clean it up.
Red informs the audience there’s going to be a second, small intermission right
now – a short pause in act two. (Not really!) He and Cork exit, flustered.
Olivia and mama begin to clean up, but discover percussive sound in the cups…
CUPS
6:00
Olivia and Mama play cups and sing.
Cork joins in.
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MAMA’S WINGS
3:00
Mama and Olivia are on the floor, laughing after their zany cup-play when…
Lily crosses the stage, dressed as a homeless bum again. Mama joins her as the
curtain closes behind her.
MAMA: Hey. You were pretty good in that scene.
LILY: So?
MAMA: So, you wanna do some more?
LILY: More what?
MAMA: Acting?
LILY: Does it pay?
MAMA: Not really. Come on. Stick with me.
LILY: ARE you the new person drawn toward me?
To begin with, take warning--I am surely far different from what you suppose;
Do you suppose you will find in me your ideal?
Do you think I am trusty and faithful?
Do you see no further than this façade?
Do you suppose yourself advancing on real ground toward a real heroic woman?
Have you no thought, O dreamer, that it may be all maya, illusion?
MAMA: Well. That’s Vaudeville.
Mama offers her arm. Lily takes it. They exit as…
Red enters, winded. He says everything is finally on course and energetically
introduces:
TROUPE COMIQUE
10:00
They perform their schtick.
CLEMENSTRA CLOSES THEATER
2:00
Clemenstra enters, calls everyone to the stage. She’s closing down North Star
Vaud! That last act was the final straw – so offensive. Everyone is shocked. They
protest to no avail.
Clemenstra leaves to wire the authorities.
Downtrodden, everyone filters away, except for Angie and Olivia, who huddle
around the piano.
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Melancholy, Angie tells as story of her life – the trials and tribulations of a star
past the hump, of love lost, of dreams reached and then what do you do? She
sings:
HARVEST MOON
3:00
By Ruth Etting
The night was mighty dark so you could hardly see
For the moon refused to shine
Couple sitting underneath the willow tree
For love they pined
Little May was kinda 'fraid of darkness
So she says, "I guess I'll go"
Boy began to sigh, looked up to the sky
Told the sky his little tale of woe
So shine on
Shine on harvest moon
Up in the sky
I ain't had no loving since
January, February, June or July
Snow time ain't no time
To stay outdoors and spoon, so shine on
Shine on harvest moon for me and my gal
The entire cast filters on. They join in the song.
Shine on
Shine on harvest moon
Up in the sky
I ain't had no loving since
January, February, June or July
By this time, the cast belts it out:
Snow time ain't no time
To stay outdoors and spoon, so shine on
Shine on harvest moon for me… and my… gal…
The song lingers in climax. Caravan Palace’s Suzy rises behind it to take us
into…
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HOOPS BURLESQUE
4:00
The moon appears behind the cast. Riding it is Stacia, now The Crystal Pistol.
She performs a hula hoop burlesque to the electro swing music.
The cast gets into it, moving behind her.
Even Clemenstra is seduced. She lets it all hang out, even stripping down and lipsyncing the scat section.
In the end, everyone is dancing the Charleston. The music hits a final triumphant
blast as everyone freezes in a tableau.
Lights out.
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