Fighting Fair: The Key to a Good Partnership/Marriage
(Adapted by Betty Williams, NSCC Parent Education Instructor, from United Health Care’s Taking
Care publication; 4/20/2011)
The number 1 reason marriages and relationships succeed? The couple knows how to fight
fair.
That’s what 15 years of research have taught psychologists at The Center for Marital and Family
Studies at the University of Denver, where researchers can predict with 93 percent accuracy if a
marriage/partnership will succeed or fail. “We see how a couple handles conflict,” says Dr. Scott
Stanley, the Center’s co-director and a clinical psychologist. “If they can’t communicate or are
destructive, they go on and on and never solve even the basic problems and conflicts.”
The Center’s program offers these do’s and don’ts for fighting fair:
Try To…
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Discuss the problem or conflict. This is an important first step.
Explain, don’t blame. Express your feelings by trying the X-Y-Z approach. Instead of
complaining that “All you ever do is watch football,” say, “In situation X (many Saturdays
and Sundays) when you do Y (watch football on TV) I feel Z (neglected and I miss you).”
Stick to the topic. Talk about what is bothering you now, not what upset you months ago.
Listen without interrupting, disagreeing or judging. Sometimes, the other person just
wants to get his or her viewpoint out in the open.
Paraphrase what the other person said – e.g., “It sounds as if you’re upset with me for
being late most of the time.”
Stop if it becomes too heated. Call “time-out,” if necessary. “If you’re arguing and arguing
until you don’t even know what you’re talking about, stop and make a date to meet again,”
says licensed psychiatric social worker Ann Leahy of the Marriage and Family Institute in
Washington, D.C. “Take time out to cool down. Get away or take a walk around the block.”
Try Not To…
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Withdraw. It takes two to solve a problem.
Put down or badger the other person. While honesty is important, that doesn’t mean you
forget that the other person has feelings, too.
Escalate the discussion from a small issue to a big one. The little things pile up; it’s best to
handle them one at a time.
Bring in old issues. They get in the way of what’s bothering one or both of you now.
Be a mind reader. Allow the other to tell you what he or she things – you may be
surprised.
Respond to a negative with a negative. The result is usually a downward spiral.
Remember that successful relationships have 5 positive interactions for every 1 critical
interaction, so keep that in mind after you bring up a constructive criticism!