Who Taught You Relationship
Essentials?
 Parents
 Significant Others
 Peers
 Media

The Number One Dynamic of
Attraction
 Initial attraction is based upon physical and personality characteristics
 The primary attraction for long term relationships is comfort based upon familiarity
 The one thing you wanted most to change in one of your parents
 Stanford Study

What is Compatibility Really Based
On?
 Family rules
 Personality dynamics
 Interests
 Values-ultimately the most important determinant
 Mirroring
 Rejection

 Your initial relationship program is based upon your parental one
 Raising awareness of family of origin dynamics and rules
 Developing a new model based on healthier dynamics
 Dealing with discomfort and finding new familiarity

The Two Basic Requirements of a
Healthy Relationship
 Respect
 Assertiveness

A Five Dimensional Model of
Healthy Relationships
 Investment
 Communication
 Power
 Trust
 Forgiveness

 Doing everything you can possibly do to enhance your partner’s self-esteem and life experience
 Caring Days

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Develop rules for your process of problem solving
Make it a priority to set down regularly to discuss issues and plans
Give your relationship time
Respect, respect, and more respect
Timeouts
Reflective listening
Mehabrian’s Study
The Three don’ts

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF
CLEAN COMMUNICATION
 Avoid judgmental words and loaded terms
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Avoid global labels
Avoid “you” messages of blame and accusation
 Avoid old history
 Avoid negative comparisons

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF
CLEAN COMMUNICATION (cont)
 Avoid threats
 Describe your feelings rather than attack with them
 Keep your body language open and receptive
 Use whole messages
 Use clear messages

 The shift from taking care of oneself to taking care of the relationship
 The balance of power that serves the relationship best
 Power can be based upon personal strengths and differences in personality
 Area that tends to reflect greatest abuses

 The Barometer of the Relationship
 There is no gain with mistrust in a relationship

 Essential for all relationships
 Process of letting go of baggage
 Follows cognitive restructuring model

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Boundaries exist whether or not you are aware of them
Most problems occur in relationships because boundaries are unclear
A boundary only works when both parties are clear about it
Communicating boundaries clearly is essential for a relationship to be healthy

 Group leaders will not interact with participants in ways that promote disruption
 Group leaders will not model inappropriate behavior
 Group leaders will rely on each other and consult with leaders when questions arise
 Individuals will act in ways that reflect respect for others
 Individuals will treat themselves and others as they would a best friend

 May all of your relationships focus upon making every moment of your life as rich as it can be through your friendships, families, and intimacies.
 With that special someone who will be in your life, may you smile at them with the same intensity and desire at 80 as you do in the best of times in the formation of your relationship.