Helping Young Children with Grief and Sorrow
Explaining death to young children and
helping them with feelings of grief can be a
difficult task, especially when parents are also
grieving. When adults are struggling with grief,
they may try to protect children by leaving
them out of discussions and rituals. When this
happens, children often feel even more confused and alone.
Understanding Preschoolers
Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible.
“When is Grandpa coming back?” They also are very literal. One
child thought her grandmother must be in the attic because the adults
always looked up when they spoke of her. Children understand what
they can see. It is sometimes helpful to show a dead plant, bird or bug
to help explain death to young children. Children’s books can also be
helpful in explaining death and dealing with grief.
Fears and questions are common
Young children may ask, “Will I die too?”, “If I go to sleep will I be
dead?”, and when a parent or caregiver has died, “Who will take care
of me now?” Preschoolers also tend to think from their own
perspective, which may lead them to think it is somehow their fault. “I
was mad at grandpa and wanted him to go away.” These are common
fears of children. Listen and reassure your preschooler. You may want
to say, “When people have lived a long time their bodies grow old and
die. It is okay to cry and be sad because we miss them.” Children will
often ask the same question many times in their effort to understand
death and grief. Try to be patient and give honest simple answers.
Sometimes children ‘Talk’ with Actions
Preschool children who experience grief often return to behaviors they
had outgrown. It is normal to see bedwetting and accidents, fearful
nights, thumbsucking or crying and clinging. Young children aren’t
usually able to talk about how they feel, so their feelings come out in
actions. Be patient, these are just temporary setbacks.
What about funerals?
Young children should not be forced to attend a funeral. They should
not be forbidden either. Explain to children what to expect and what
will be expected of them. If there will be highly emotional reactions,
it’s a good idea to explain why people are so upset. An adult who can
help and comfort the child should stay close by. This may need to be
someone other than a parent, if parents are dealing with their own
grief. If attending the funeral does not seem like a good idea, include
the child in other rituals, such as putting flowers on the grave later,
planting a tree in memory or looking at photographs. It is better to
teach children about death before your family experiences a loss.
Children’s books to read with your child:
Lifetimes, The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children, by B. Mellonie
and R. Ingpen
The Tenth Good Thing about Barney by Judith Viorst
What’s Heaven by Maria Shriver
Revised by: Patti Faughn, Family Life Educator, Springfield Center, Spring 2007
For more information contact:
Angela Reinhart, Family Life Educator
University of Illinois Extension, Champaign County Unit
801 N Country Fair Drive, Suite D
Champaign, IL 61821
217-333-7672
areinhrt@uiuc.edu
www.extension.uiuc.edu/champaign
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