PRACTICING AUTHENTIC
SELF-CARE
A look at authentic self -care for the ones
who forget themselves to care for others.
By Laurie Bowen, M.Ed. (almost)
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT ME
MY INSPIRATION
WITH DEEPEST ADMIRATION
SERIOUSLY, YOU ARE AMAZING
The Responsible Woman
Thanks James Christensen for the great art
The Burden of the Responsible Man
PARENTHOOD-THE DREAM
PARENTHOOD- THE REALIT Y
SO MUCH DEPENDS UPON…YOU…..
COMPASSION
FATIGUE
 Physically - exhausted
and worn out
 Emotionally - resentful,
stressed, bitter
 Relationally - feeling
used or unappreciated
 Financially –
overwhelmed or
depleted
SOME INFO ABOUT BURNOUT
 Physical, emotional and mental exhaustion caused by
involvement in situations that are emotionally
demanding…..followed by negative feelings
A LITTLE MORE ABOUT BURNOUT
 It happens on a continuum
 Early stages:
 less energy
 more effort to deal with daily pressures
 quicker to anger
 Become more negative
 have a reduced sense of accomplishment,
 feel tired more often,
 become withdrawn and
 experience increased interpersonal conflicts
 feel numb, disillusioned, hardened or overwhelmed
 Have more colds
Later stages see an increase in severe health problems
COMPASSION FATIGUE
 Includes all of the burn out stuf f….plus a little more.
 Persistently “on”—replaying scenes from families’ traumatic
events and even absorbing their emotional suf fering
 Preoccupied with the trauma, suf fering intrusive thoughts and
helplessness
LONG TERM COMPASSION FATIGUE
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Reduced empathy
Diminished sense of personal safety
Reduced sense of control
Increase in hopelessness
Possibly indulge in escape activities:
 Chronic over eating
 Drug or alcohol use
 Other numbing sorts of things
BEWARE THE “SAVIOR COMPLEX”
 A psychological construct which makes a person feel the need
to save others. This person has a strong tendency to seek
people who desperately need help and to assist them, often
sacrificing their own needs for these people
 False Belief: If I always help people in need, I will get their
love and approval and have a happy life
Wholehearted Living
Wholehearted living is about engaging in our lives from a place
of worthiness. It means cultivating the courage, compassion,
and connection to wake up in the morning and think, “No
matter what gets done and how much is left undone, I am
enough.” It’s going to bed at night thinking, “Yes, I am
imperfect and vulnerable and sometimes afraid, but that
doesn’t change the truth that I am also brave, and worthy of
love and belonging.” – Brené Brown, Ph.D.
SUCK IT UP, COWBOY/GIRL UP,
PUSH THROUGH
 Too bone tired
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to
to
to
to
to
get up one more time in the night
do one more load of throw up/diarrhea laundry
return one more call
perform
perfect
DIG DEEP
D
INSTEAD OF SUCKING IT UP
eliberate in thoughts and behaviors through prayer,
meditation or simply setting your intentions
I
nspired to make new and
dif ferent choices
G
oing- Take Action
(the Wholehearted way)
3 THINGS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT
SHAME:
 We all have it
 We’re all afraid to talk about it
 The less we talk about shame, the more control it has over us
UNDERSTANDING SHAME
 Shame is that feeling that washes over us, making us feel
small, flawed, and never good enough. If we want to develop
shame resilience- the ability to recognize shame and move
through it while maintaining our worthiness and authenticity —
then we have to talk about why shame happens
HOW OUR SHAME HAPPENS
 What will people think?
 You can’t really love yourself yet! You’re not___enough.”
(pretty, skinny, successful, rich, talented, happy smart, Blah,
blah, blah)
 No one can find out about_____
 I’m going to pretend that everything is okay
 I can change to fit in if I have to
 Who do you think you are to put your
thoughts/art/ideas/beliefs/writing out in the world?
 Taking care of them is more important than taking care of me
THE PROBLEM WITH NUMBING
 Most of us engage in behaviors (consciously or not) that help
us to numb and take the edge of f vulnerability, pain and
discomfort.
 Addiction can be described as chronically and compulsively
numbing and taking the edge of f feelings
 We cannot selectively numb emotions. When we numb the
painful emotions, we also numb the positive emotions.
 Everyone numbs and takes the edge of f – no one is immune
to this. But those who engage in Wholehearted living seem to
be aware of the dangers of numbing and develop an ability to
feel their way through high -vulnerability experiences.
SELF INDULGENCE VS. SELF CARE
Self-Indulgence- obtaining the object of our desire up front – for
a “high” (cocaine, really good cheesecake, a reckless shopping
splurge); or we get a roller -coaster thrill that enables us to
experience an excitement unavailable otherwise. But it comes
at a cost….later…..whether in our health, in our debts in our
harmed relationships.
Self Care or Self-Nurturance- fosters both the physical and
psychological health requisite to our happiness. We’re not
“treating” ourselves to something that in the moment makes us
feel better, but is ultimately bad for us. We’re addressing our
inborn needs for self -succor, in an adult, responsible fashion
WHICH ONE IS IT?
 If you need to refuel and __________ is fun and relaxing, then
do it. If not, do something deliberately relaxing. Find
something interesting rather than soul sucking.
SOME POWER TOPICS
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Courage
Compassion
Acceptance
Gratitude
Joy
Yes, big topics, but when practiced daily and exercised enough,
they become incredible gifts in our lives.
INCLUDE YOURSELF IN THE PRIORITIES
 There is nothing noble in sacrificing yourself for others while
you are starving at a psychological level.
 Learn to give and ask for what you want, to help and be
helped.
COURAGE
“Courage is like…a habit, a virtue: you get it by courageous acts.
It’s like you learn to swim by swimming. You learn courage by
couraging”- Mark Daly, Theologian
Courage sounds great, but we need to talk about how it requires
us to let go of what other people think.
FIND YOUR “INNER LION”
“The greatest fear in the world is
of the opinion of others. And the
moment you are unafraid of the
crowd, you are no longer a sheep,
you become a lion. A great roar
arises in your heart. The roar of
freedom.”-- Osho
COMPASSION
 Boundary setting and saying no are critical components of
compassion
 Take the self-compassion quiz
http://www.self-compassion.org/test-your-self-compassionlevel.html
When we are looking for
compassion, we need
someone who is deeply
rooted, able to bend, and
most of all, we need
someone who embraces
us for our strengths and
struggles. We need to
honor our struggles by
sharing them with
someone who has earned
the right to hear it.
SELF-ACCEPTANCE
“The thing that is really hard and really amazing, is giving up on
being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself” –
Anna Quindlen
 Talk to yourself the way you would talk to someone you love.
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“you did the best you could-its really okay
you can recover from this”
“you are more than you think you are.
you are capable of so very much
don’t hold yourself back
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of
such moments can change the course of your life” - Christopher Germer
GRATITUDE
 An attitude of gratitude isn’t enough….practicing gratitude is
a call to action
 What does this look like?
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Gratitude journals
Daily gratitude meditations or prayers
Creating gratitude art
Stopping during a stressful, busy day to say out loud, “I ’m grateful
for…”
PRACTICING GRATITUDE
 100 happydays.com
 The Happiness Project- Gretchen Rubin
 A Week in the Life blog by Ali Edwards
 How can you practice gratitude in your
life?
 Being grateful and joyful doesn’t mean
that I’m happy all the time.”
Happiness is tied to circumstances and
joyfulness is tied to spirit and
gratitude.
GRATITUDE BEGETS JOY
 The practice of gratitude gives us joy.
“Its not having wonderful experiences that makes us joyful. Its’
practicing gratitude that leads to having wonderful, joyful
experiences.”
 What does it look like when you
WHAT TRULY BRINGS JOY TO ME
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Creative Outlets
A little peace and quiet time
Nourishment
Restoring order and organizing
Building my nest
Connecting with friends
Pursuit of the sacred and spiritual
Learning/studying
HOMEWORK
 Make three dif ferent collages
 1- what causes me to numb
 2- what do I use to numb
 3- what actually brings comfort?