NIHILIST JOB RÉSUMÉ.
BY ERIC FEEZELL
---David, Candice, whatever
EndlessMurk512@aol.com
This Abject World
(555) 555-5555
Objective
I have no objective. What's the point when cold death is the final destination for us all?
Can you explain that to me? I know I'm supposed to put something here, though, so here
goes: Your objective is to hire me into a challenging position in a computer-applicationsbased field within which you feel I can "make a difference" and "contribute" in a team
environment.
Imbecile.
Education
Bachelor of "Science" in Computer Applications, University of Washington
B.S., all right. It tickles me greatly that vapid, hornswoggled employers place so much
emphasis on scholastic aptitude and higher education, as if knowing the Pythagorean
theorem could shield me from the stygian pointlessness of mortality or the lurid abyss of
imminent nonexistence. Of course, I use the word "tickles" figuratively, since I feel
absolutely nothing.
Skills
Skills are valueless and only serve temporarily to bolster the trembling egos of the
sheeple of this wretched world. I eschew all so-called personal development, instead
dying under the premise that, when I'm a biodegrading mess of worm feed hopelessly
buried beneath a fathom of dark earth, being able to type 70 words a minute really won't
do me a modicum of what you so ignorantly refer to as "good."
Microsoft Excel, PowerPoint, Access; UNIX; Lotus 1, 2, 3.
Work Experience
Lead Sales Representative, Howard Brothers Trucking Co. (June 2003 to present)
As the leading sales representative at Howard Brothers, I implemented a new invoicing
database lauded by my maudlin, foolhardy management team as "wonderfully efficient
and surprisingly self-explanatory." Why any of this mattered, I don't know or care.
As far as being a "leader" goes, I wasn't leading anyone or anything. Death is the great
leveler, leading us all. Or not. Again, who cares, really?
Sales Clerk, Hot Topic (January 2001 to June 2003)
Employee of the month 29 consecutive times.
Interests
It pains me (again, being loose with the language here) to think that one could be so
ridiculous as to maintain any sort of attachment to this-worldly tangibles, concepts, or
other such contemptible ephemera. I'll admit I play tennis, although I don't keep score
and insist that when my deluded partner does he use the terms "zero" or "nothingness"
instead of "love," a superfluous notion.
I also read a bit of Baudelaire, for what it's worth, which is nothing.
Honors/Awards
Mankind, in its self-congratulatory revelry, will finally come to realize that all forms of
kudos simply blind us from the solitary incontrovertible truth: life is a hollow shell of nil.
Once, during my younger days, in an ultimately nugatory proclamation (is there any other
kind?) of my desensitized attitude toward accolades and gifts, I coined the phrase "He
who dies with the most toys ... still dies." A bumper-sticker company then offered me a
large sum of money for the rights to this phrase. I told them to keep it and give it to
someone or something that mattered, which I guess was my way of making a joke (back
before I realized how asinine and fruitless such a thing was).
References
This section seems a bit silly. But not like ha-ha silly. I mean ineffectual, obviously.