The Little Red Schoolhouse
Session Four
Focus and Flow
The University of Virginia
4
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Focus and Flow
Review
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Stress
Stress
1 a.
He's rather strange, but people like him.
b.
People like him, but he's rather strange.
2 a.
Times are hard, but you deserve a raise.
b.
You deserve a raise, but times are hard.
3
4
From a nursery's mail order catalog. The writer tries to stress the benefits of newer
varieties of Kentucky bluegrass, particularly for people who live in the southwestern
United States.
a.
If the summer is hot and very dry, Kentucky bluegrass may go dormant: the crown and
roots will remain alive and capable of regenerating the plant when moisture returns,
although the leaves will brown and die.
b.
If the summer is hot and very dry, Kentucky bluegrass may go dormant: although the
leaves will brown and die, the crown and roots will remain alive and capable of
regenerating the plant when moisture returns.
A biographer examines the actions of Kim in relation to Lee. Does the writer want
us to admire Kim in spite of his faults?
In the episode as a whole Kim, who had previously disapproved of federal action against
libel, was more inconsistent than he could bring himself to admit, but. . .
his actions are explicable in human as well as political terms and they should
certainly be viewed in their full setting of vexatious circumstances.
Some allowance must be made for the fact that the contrast between Kim and Lee was
much less clear and sharp to them at the time than it now is to those who view the two,
but. . .
the man most responsible for the decision offers one of the most flagrant American
examples of putting the interest of part above those of county.
Emphasis should be laid not on the weapons Kim used, but. . .
on the ends he sought.
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5
6
From a university handbook.
a.
A gross violation of academic responsibility is required for a Board of Trustees to
dismiss a tenured faculty member for cause, and an elaborate hearing procedure with a
prior statement of specific charges is provided for before a tenured faculty member may
be dismissed for cause.
b.
Before the Board of Trustees may dismiss a tenured faculty member for cause, it must
charge him with a gross violation of academic responsibility and provide him with a
statement of specific charges and an elaborate hearing procedure.
A writer tries to stress a stock fund's success.
From its inception the Bairnes Fund has consistently out-performed all the major market
indexes, although the record of the past is not necessarily indicative of future results.
7
A literary critic failing to stress that there is a difference between literary principles
and literary conventions and traditions.
They are thus distinct, as principles, from conventions and traditions, although they may be
obscured, for poets as well as for critics, by the particular historical conventions poets have
necessarily used in applying them, and although they tend to be forgotten easily, except as
embodied in the traditions of the various poetics kinds effective on poets at a given time.
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Tips for Managing Emphasis

Trim useless stuff from the end of the sentence. In the examples below, what should be
emphasized?
8

Sociobiologists are claiming that our genes determine our social behavior in the ways
we act in everyday situations.
Shift less important stuff away from the end of the sentence:
9

10

11
Why that first primeval super atom exploded and thereby created the universe cannot be
explained in a few words.
Shift the most important stuff to the end of the sentence:
A discovery that will change the course of human history is imminent.
Most often, though, you have to disassemble the sentence and then reconstruct it:
Under the Act, new national standards for the treatment of industrial waste water
prior to discharge into sewers leading to publicly owned treatment plants will be promulgated
by the EPA, with pre-treatment standards for types of industrial sources being discretionary,
depending on local conditions, instead of imposing nationally uniform standards presently
required under the Act.
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12
From a proposal requesting funds to improve a pilot training program. The author,
director of the program, attempts to persuade a review board to grant funds for
new computer equipment. In the paragraph following this one, she makes the
request for funding.
a.
Currently, each student learns how to preflight the aircraft on a one-on-one basis with
his or her individual flight instructor over the course of many weeks. This
individualized approach is quite labor-intensive, time-consuming, and apt to result in a
lack of standardization, although it is generally effective. The flight instructor models
his or her own procedures and provides various comments about the different tasks to
be performed and the different significances of these tasks. After being walked through
the procedure as many times as necessary, each student conducts the check while being
monitored by his or her instructor. The instructor evaluates the student's success based
upon her or his own individual criteria.
b.
Currently, each student learns how to preflight the aircraft on a one-on-one basis with
his or her individual flight instructor over the course of many weeks. While generally
effective, this individualized approach is quite labor-intensive, time-consuming, and apt
to result in a lack of standardization. The individual flight instructor models his or her
own procedures and provides various comments about the different tasks to be
performed and the different significances of these tasks. After being walked through the
procedure as many times as necessary, each student conducts the check while being
monitored by his or her instructor. The instructor evaluates the student's success based
upon her or his own particular criteria.
c.
Currently, each student learns how to preflight the aircraft on a one-on-one basis with
his or her individual flight instructor over the course of many weeks. The individual
flight instructor models his or her own procedures and provides various comments
about the different tasks to be performed and the different significances of these tasks.
After being walked through the procedure as many times as necessary, each student
conducts the check while being monitored by his or her instructor. The instructor
evaluates the student's success based upon her or his own particular criteria. While
generally effective, this individualized approach is quite labor-intensive, timeconsuming, and apt to result in a lack of standardization.
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Stress
How To Use the Stress Position Strategically

At the most general level, you can use the stress position to emphasize a point in a sentence:
Lines 9-21 show that when the compounds are compared in terms of the gross amount
administered to the test animals in order to obtain the desired inhibition of xylene uptake,
the (+) isomer is about 10 times as potent as the (-) isomer.
At present, excessive flows from rainfall and groundwater are entering the City of
Hopewell and/or Churchville Sanitary District sewer systems, exceeding the transport
capacity in some reaches of these systems.

You can also use the stress position to create positive emphasis in your document and to
focus on reader benefits:
If the summer is hot and very dry, Kentucky bluegrass may go dormant: although the leaves
will brown and die, the crown and roots will remain alive and capable of regenerating the
plant when moisture returns.

You can use the stress position to create “negative emphasis.”
That is, if you’re writing a persuasive document and need to convince your readers that they have
a serious problem on their hands, then you can use the stress position to focus on these troubles –
which you go on to show your plan will solve:
Currently, each student learns how to preflight the aircraft on a one-on-one basis with his
or her individual flight instructor over the course of many weeks. While generally
effective, this individualized approach is quite labor-intensive, time-consuming, and apt
to result in a lack of standardization. The individual flight instructor models his or her
own procedures and provides various comments about the different tasks to be performed
and the different significances of these tasks. After being walked through the procedure
as many times as necessary, each individual student conducts the check while being
monitored by his or her instructor. The instructor evaluates the student's success based
upon her or his own particular criteria.

You can use the stress position as a signpost that alerts your reader about what will come
next in your paragraph, section, or document.
At present, excessive flows from rainfall and groundwater are entering the City of Hopewell
and/or Churchville Sanitary District sewer systems, exceeding the transport capacity in some
reaches of these systems. We propose to. . . .
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Stress
Stress as an Announcement of What is to Come
It is obvious that when you decide which information to put in the Stress position you
influence how your reader understands what you are writing about in that sentence. It is less
obvious, but nearly as important, to realize that when you decide which information to put in
the Stress position you influence how your readers read the rest of your story.
The Stress position is often a signpost, and at times a subtle signpost, that announces what
will come next in the story.
The stress position is especially important in announcing what will come next as the main
idea of a paragraph or document:
 Readers will look to the stress position in the first sentence (or first few sentences) in a
paragraph to help them know what to expect in the rest of the paragraph.
 Readers will look to the stress position in the last few sentences of your introduction to
help them know what to expect in the rest of the document.
For these important sentences at the beginning of a paragraph or at the end of the introduction
of a document, the stress position is a launching point that casts your readers forward into
the rest of the paragraph or document.
13
a.
Murphy finally obtained a full pardon in December of 1989. Several months of
negotiations led to the decision to release him. But the length of the talks did
nothing to allay the joy of the newly freed man or his attorneys.
b.
Murphy finally obtained a full pardon in December of 1989. The decision to
release him was reached only after several months of negotiations. But the length
of the talks did nothing to allay the joy of the newly freed man or his attorneys.
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Making Sentences Flow
The Principles of Clear and Direct Sentences
Effective sentences tell a story. Readable sentences match the two essential elements
of a story, character and action, with the two essential elements of a sentence, subject
and verb.

Express central characters as the subjects of verbs.

Express their crucial actions not as nouns, but as verbs.

Between those two, the first takes precedence.
fixed
sentence
positions
Subject
movable
story
elements
Character
Verb
Complement
SENTENCE
LEVEL
Action
The Principles of Flowing, Focused Passages
Effective sentences flow from one to another and from beginning to end. Readable
sentences move from short to long and from old to new.



fixed
sentence
positions
movable
information
elements
Start sentences with ideas already stated, implied, safely assumed,
familiar—that is, begin with repeated, predictable, OLD information.
Save for the end of sentences information that is unpredictable, complex,
or hard to understanding—that is, end with NEW information.
Whenever possible, keep the familiar, old information SHORT.
Topic
Stress
INFORMATION
LEVEL
Short / Familiar
Long / Complex
OLD Info
NEW Info
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Making Sentences Flow
The Principles of a Readable Style
fixed
sentence
positions
movable
information
elements
Topic
Stress
INFORMATION
LEVEL
Short / Familiar
Long / Complex
OLD Info
NEW Info
fixed
sentence
positions
Subject
movable
story
elements
Character
Verb
Complement
SENTENCE
LEVEL
Action
In the most readable prose, the sentence level and information work together. But when
they do conflict, the information level should take precedence.




If your subjects are characters, your sentences will begin with familiar
information.
If the most familiar character is not the agent, but the receiver of the
action, use a passive verb to move that familiar character to the beginning.
If you move from old to new, you will usually also move from short to long:
familiar information can usually be stated in a word or two; information that
requires complex explanations is usually new.
For introductory sentences, put in the stress position at the end the
concepts that you will later treat as repeated old information.
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Topic Strings
Topic Strings
14 For beginning and intermediate skiers one of the best skis is the Hart Queen. A very thin
layer of tempered ash, ash direct from the hardwood forests of Kentucky, makes up its
core. And to provide added strength and flexibility, there are two major innovations
used in its outer construction. Two sheets of ten-gauge steel are securely molded to the
layer of ash for increased strength, . A wrapping of highly active fiberglass surrounds
two steel sheets for increased flexibility. Most conventional bindings can be used with
the Queen. The Salomon Double functions best, however. All the standard lengths are
in the Queen's size range, although the five to six foot range is the easiest to obtain.
Fortunately, any of six different colors can be ordered.
b.
One of the best skis for beginning and intermediate skiers is the Hart Queen. Its core
consists of a very thin layer of tempered ash direct from the hardwood forests of
Kentucky. Its outer construction employs two major innovations to provide extra
strength and flexibility. For increased strength, the layer of ash has molded to it two
sheets of ten-gauge steel. For increased flexibility, the two steel sheets are then
wrapped with highly active fiberglass. While the Queen can be used with most
conventional bindings, it functions best with the Salomon Double. It comes in all the
standard lengths, but it is easiest to find in the five to six foot range. Fortunately, it can
be ordered in any of six different colors.
15 a.
At higher Reynolds numbers, where the absolute velocities are higher, the scattering of
measured velocity data across the theoretical line was more profound. Since the
presence of transit time effects as particles enter and leave the sample volume results in
the Doppler ambiguity process obscures the spectrum of the random velocity
(reference), this dispersity is likely to be the result of the relatively small sample
volume used. Because the velocity gradients are much higher close to the wall than in
the core of the flow, the existence of different velocities in the sample volume would be
more pronounced at Re=1000. Therefore by spatial averaging of the velocities in the
sample volume, the measured velocity spectrum can be broadened.
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Topic Strings
15 b.
When the fluid moved at higher absolute velocities, and so the Reynolds numbers were
higher, the measured velocity data were scattered more profoundly across the
theoretical line. It is likely that the data were dispersed because the sample volume was
relatively small: the random velocity data used as a reference was dispersed, but its
dispersion was obscured because there are transit time effects as particles enter and
leave the sample volume, which results in the Doppler ambiguity process. The velocity
data in the sample volume were more dispersed at Re=1000 than at Re=500 because the
velocity gradients are much higher close to the wall than in the core of the flow.
Therefore, when the velocities in the same volume are averaged spatially, the measured
velocity spectrum can be broadened.
16 a.
A determination of involvement of lipid-linked saccarides in the assembly of the
oligasaccaride chains of ovalbumin in vivo was the principal aim of this study. In vitro
and in vivo studies utilizing oviduct membrane preparations and oviduct slices and the
anitibiotic tunicamycin were undertaken to accomplish this. The inhibition of
tunicamycin on the synthesis of N-acetylglucosaminyl-lipid catalyzed by hen oviduct
membrane preparations was confirmed by the in vitro experiments. For another
monosaccharide-lipid, mannosylphosphoryldolichol, no inhibitory effect on synthesis
was observed. Earlier reports on the effect of tunicamycin in other systems agree with
these results.
b.
The principal aim of this study was to determine how lipid-linked saccarides are
involved in the assembly of the oligasaccaride chains of ovalbumin in vivo. To
accomplish this, studies were undertaken in vitro and in vivo, utilizing the anitibiotic
tunicamycin on oviduct membrane preparations and oviduct slices. The in vitro
experiments confirmed that tunicamycin inhibited the synthesis of Nacetylglucosaminyl-lipid catalyzed by hen oviduct membrane preparations.
Tunicamycin showed no inhibitory effect on the synthesis of another monosaccharidelipid, mannosylphosphoryldolichol. These results agree with earlier reports on the
effect of tunicamycin in other systems.
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Topic Strings
The federal regulations promulgated pursuant to 16 United States Code § 470h-3 at 36
Code of Federal Regulations Part 18 (see attached), set the procedures that NPS must
follow to lease an historic property. A review of the legislative history of the lease
provision indicates that the purpose for enacting the lease provision was “to ensure the
preservation of an historic property” and “so that agencies that wish to maintain
ownership of an historic property may assure its continued preservation without the
need for direct agency use.” 1980 U.S. Congressional and Administrative News 6378,
6402. Pursuant to the National Park Service Planning Process, the Director of the NPS
must make a written determination (in most cases this responsibility is delegated to the
Park Superintendent or the regional office) that the proposed use of the property is
consistent with the purposes for which the park is established. The regulations also state
that no lease will be entered prior to consultation with the Advisory Council on Historic
Preservation, a presidential advisory organization based in Washington, D. C. Once it
has been determined that a specific historic property would be offered for lease, the
regulations require that a public notice of the opportunity must “be published at least
twice in a local and/or national newspaper of general circulation, appropriate trade
publications, and distributed to interested persons.”
17a.
b.
In order to lease an historic property, you and the NPS must follow federal regulations
(which were promulgated pursuant to 16 United States Code § 470h-3 at 36 Code of
Federal Regulations Part 18; see attached). The provision under which you will lease
the property was intended “to ensure the preservation of an historic property” and allow
“agencies that wish to maintain ownership of an historic property [to] assure its
continued preservation without the need for direct agency use.” 1980 U.S.
Congressional and Administrative News 6378, 6402. Accordingly, you must obtain
from the Director of the NPS a written statement that the proposed use of the property is
consistent with the purposes for which the park is established. In most cases, you can
get this statement from the Park Superintendent or the regional office. Before you can
obtain the lease, the NPS must consult the Advisory Council on Historic Preservation, a
presidential advisory organization based in Washington, D. C. Finally, once you have
obtained the Director‘s agreement to lease a specific historic property, a public notice of
the opportunity must “be published at least twice in a local and/or national newspaper
of general circulation, appropriate trade publications, and distributed to interested
persons.”
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Topic Strings
The Movement of Sentences From Topic to Topic
In general, your sentence sequences should move from older, expected, better-known, more
predictable information to newer, less-known, less predictable information. A sequence
should begin with information that the reader already knows or could predict.
Within sentences and clauses, the Old/New rule takes the form of the Topic/Stress rule: Place
older, repeated, expected information in the Topic position; place newer, more important
information in the Stress position.
Within larger chunks of texts (like a paragraph), the key words that appear in the Topic
positions in a sequence of sentences should form a COHERENT TOPIC STRING. That is, those
key words in the Topic positions should be enough related to one another that your reader
interprets each sentence as closely connected to the others in the sequence.
Topic
Topic
Topic
Topic
Topic
Topic
Topic
Successful Topic Strings occur in three patterns:
(1) FOCUSED on one central idea, (2) CHAINED a series of
different ideas, or (3) MIXED strings that combine both.
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Topic Strings
Cohesion: Topic String Patterns
Focused Topic Strings
a.
The light on Cephallonia seems unmediated by either the air or the stratosphere. It is completely
virgin, it produces overwhelming clarity of focus, it has heroic strength and brilliance. It exposes
colors in their original prelapsarian state, as though straight from the imagination of God in His
youngest days, when He still believed that all was good.
b.
Bicine is a potentially useful zwitterionic buffer for use in biochemistry at the physiological pH
range (6.0–8.5) because of its low toxicity. This organic acid has been studied in aqueous systems
using potentiometric pH titrations. In these tests, Bicine has been found to have a second stage
dissociation constant, further suggesting its potential as a zwitterionic buffer.
CHAINED TOPIC STRINGS
c.
The peculiarities of the plot, which centers on deviations from the historical and biographical
course, determine the overall uniqueness in time in a novel of ordeal. Such a novel lacks the means
for actual measurement (historical and biographical), and it lacks any localizing link to particular
historical events and conditions. The very problem of historical localization did not exist for the
novel of ordeal, because time in such novels is fundamentally psychological.
d.
The relationship between steam economy and the overall heat transfer coefficient is shown in
Figures 3 and 4. Both graphs show that higher heat transfer coefficients reflect increased steam
economy. The steam economy, in turn, reflects the rate and amount of water evaporated. These
values are recorded in Table 2.
MIXED TOPIC STRINGS
e.
Sulphur dioxide emissions from the Drax power station amount to 336,000 tons per year. These
emissions can, however, be reduced by two methods. Flue gas desulphurization (FGD) and fluidized
bed combustion can both reduce emissions to allowable levels. Either method results in 90-95%
sulphur removal. For example, emissions at Drax are expected to fall to 33,600 tons per pear once
the plant is fitted with FGD.
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Focus and Flow
Topic Strings
I. A Focused Topic String
In this pattern, the key words in the Topic position of each sentence are the same or one of a
group of closely related words. Consequently, the Topic String is consistently focused on a
single character or idea, which comes to stand at center stage in the story. In this pattern,
Topics form a central, common thread which is easy for readers to remember: they organize
their understanding and memory of your story around this common base of information.
TOPIC
Olda
Oldb
Oldb
Oldb
Oldb
(Sen. 1)
Topic A Stress
(2)
Topic
(3)
B
STRESS
Newb
..........................................
..........................................
..........................................
..........................................
..........................................
B
Stress
Topic
(4)
B
C
Stress
Topic
(5)
B
D
Stress
Topic
(6)
B
E
Stress
Topic
B
F
Stress
G
Note: To have an effective string, it is NOT necessary to focus on the same word. It is
possible to focus on a small set of closely related words. Just how large that set can be, and
how complex its relationships can be, depends on how much readers know.
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Topic Strings
The third type of
service we provide
is an audit.
An audit
normally examines balance sheets,
income statements, and statements
of changes in financial position to
see that records are kept in
accordance with generally
accepted accounting standards.
An audit
will certify that financial records
disclose information which would
enable users of the audit to judge
the company's financial position.
Audits
take more time to complete
than compilations or reviews.
At current billing
rates, an audit for a
small business
University of Virginia
runs from $18-25,000.
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Topic Strings
II. A Chaining Topic String
In this pattern, the key word in the Topic position of each sentence repeats or refers back to a word
at the end of the previous sentence.
Chaining Topic Strings make it easy to get from sentence to sentence: they ask readers to
remember only one sentence’s worth of information. But Chaining Strings don't always help
readers find the common base of information they need to generate a coherent understanding of
the passage. When that common base of understanding is simple or familiar enough that readers
can be trusted to keep track of it without your help, then readers are not troubled by the constant
change of Topics in a Chaining String. But when the common base of information is complex or
unfamiliar, a Chaining Topic String makes readers work harder: while helping them get from
sentence to sentence, it leaves them on their own to relate each sentence to the common base.
Are Chaining Strings a problem? Not with knowledgeable readers or an obvious common base of
information. Do they have advantages? Yes. They can make a passage move quickly and
effortlessly, creating a sense of causality, as though the movement from one sentence to the next is
inevitable – which can be helpful when you want a sequence to have the force of a logical
argument or when you wish to emphasize a progression.
TOPIC
Olda
Oldb
Oldc
Oldd
Olde
(Sen. 1)
Topic A Stress
(2)
Topic
(3)
B
..........................................
..........................................
..........................................
..........................................
..........................................
B
Stress
Topic
(4)
C
C
Stress
Topic
(5)
D
D
Stress
Topic
(6)
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STRESS
Newb
Newc
Newd
Newe
Newf
E
E
Stress
Topic
F
F
Stress
G
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Topic Strings
On March 22 and
23, Alumni
Affairs
paid William Carlos and Gloria
Silverstein $6000 to give
telemarketing productivity
seminars to our employees.
These training
seminars
were quite poorly attended
by our staff:
out of 110
telemarketers
only 19
came to hear the two
consultants' presentation.
The presentation
Because of this high
rate of absenteeism,
we
University of Virginia
could have benefited even
our best telemarketers, and
many of those who were
absent could have learned
the most.
received very little in
return for our $6000.
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Topic Strings
III. The Most Common Pattern: Mixed Strings
[1]The matching
section of our icon
tes t
is based on the concept of " near" and "far"
articulatory dis tance described by
Blankenburger and Hahn .
[2] Blakenburger
and Hahn
show that
[3] near icons
are more quickly recognized by tes t s ubjects and
are correctly matched with their intended
functional meanings .
[4] Our matching study
[5] It
tes ted for near icons by allowing subjects to
choos e a matching function for each icon from a
lis t of nine function groups .
did not as k subjects to choose one bes t icon
for each particular function group.
[6] By asking subjects to choose
from all nine function groups ,
we
[7] our matching tes t
[8] its fit
[9] In this way, we
[10] certain function
groups
Little Red Schoolhouse
ensured that
would not force s ubjects to
select an icon becaus e
was "least bad," thus artificially
raising the percentage of
res ponses to a particular icon.
could determine that
had no good icons at all.
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Topic Strings
Topic Strings
Readers use the information in the Topic Position to orient themselves, both in relation to what has
come before and in relation to the new information that is yet to come. When the sentences in a series
begin with old information in the Topic Position, they form a Topic String.
A Topic String is nothing more than the sequence of key words in the topic position of the sentences
in a unit or chunk of text – a paragraph, for example. When a Topic String consistently establishes a
point of view through a series of sentences, then the reader can move through a chunk of discourse in
a way that seems logical, consistent, predictable, coherent. When the Topic String consists of a series
of topics that seem not to connect with one another, the Topic String not only fails to help the reader
through the discourse, it hinders the reader.
You may have heard advice that you should "vary the way you begin your sentences." That's bad
advice. In the clearest, most cohesive prose, sequences of sentences regularly begin with the same or
closely related subjects/topics. In fact, that predictable sequence of subjects/topics is what makes the
prose clear and cohesive.
Topic Strings are one of the most important connecting threads that readers use to weave a coherent
understanding of a text. Not only do they help readers move from sentence to sentence smoothly and
easily, but they also help readers to organize their understanding and memory of a text. So here is one
consequence of the principle of old-information-first:
Readers need connecting threads that they can follow through a text.
Design closely connected series of sentences so that their subjects/topics
constitute a consistent Topic String.
Your Topic String need not be made up of identical topics/subjects. But they must be consistent. If
you lay them out schematically, you should be able to generalize about what holds them together.
They should constitute coherent sets of topics.
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Controlling the Story
Who’s Responsible?
If you express crucial actions as verbs, you face a second question: who is responsible for that
action? – whom do you want to present as the central actor? Writers have to establish
responsibility in all kinds of writing. You can do so most clearly by making the responsible agent
the subject of verbs that express key actions in the story.
18 a.
b.
If there could be the presentation of data that would indicate that the representation of
the status of the problem was accurate, then a decision could be made.
If [
] presents data that would indicate that [
of the problem, [
] could decide. . . .
] accurately represented the status
19 a.
The public has increasingly resisted allowing the chemical industry to build new
hazardous waste facilities near population centers. This problem is complicated even
further because the public does not trust us, believing that the few examples where the
industry improperly managed hazardous waste represent the waste disposal rule rather
than the exception. We must begin an extensive campaign to change the way the public
perceives us. At the moment, we believe that the chemical industry will have to spend
more than $5 m. on this campaign.
b.
There is a growing resistance to allowing new hazardous waste facilities to be built near
population centers. Complicating this problem even further is public distrust, founded
on the notion that the few notorious examples of improper waste management represent
the waste disposal rule rather than the exception. It will be necessary to initiate an
extensive campaign to change these perceptions. At the moment, it appears that the cost
of such a campaign could be in excess of $5 m.
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20
4
Here is an example of texts composed for private and public consumption.
Compare two versions of the story of a fire. The first version is an internal letter in
which the person investigating an accident explains how it happened and suggests
that the company blame the accident on a faulty excess flow valve (which was an
important link in the chain of causes). Note how the author makes it clear that "C"
and "D" (who are employees of the company) are partly responsible for the
accident.
At approximately 3:55 o'clock a.m. on the morning of Saturday, July 30, 1983, an explosion and fire
occurred at the plant in an area where railroad tank cars are loaded with vinyl chloride for shipment.
The fire seriously burned C, an F employee involved in the vinyl chloride loading operation, and
seriously, but less severely, burned L, a fellow employee loading caustic at a loading rack
approximately 15 to 20 yards away. The fire originated at tank car ABCD 96 and spread to an adjacent
car HIJK 74. Your insured suffered some $950,000.00 in damages as a result of the fire.
The theory best supported by the physical evidence is that C mistakenly disconnected the south loading
hose attached to ABCD 96 without first closing its intake valve, thus permitting vinyl chloride to
escape from the tank car into the atmosphere when the tank car's excess flow valves failed to function.
This theory is supported by a number of factors: List of factors.
Recall that C relieved D who had been loading the cars with vinyl chloride. It is possible that D did not
communicate with C regarding what stage of the loading procedures D had arrived at prior to the time
C relieved him, or that D communicated incorrect information to C regarding what stage of the loading
procedures D had arrived at prior to his relief by C.
Compare the public version, which tries to blame the manufacturer of the excess flow valves:
On or about July 30, 1983, at approximately 3:55 a.m., an explosion and fire occurred at the F plant
located on Road in City. The explosion and fire occurred in an area of the plant where railroad tank
cars are loaded with vinyl chloride and caustic for shipment. The explosion and fire originated as tank
car ABCD 96 was being prepared for transit. The loading line connected to the south angle valve of
tank car ABCD 96 either ruptured or became prematurely disconnected. Even though the tank car was
equipped with excess flow valves designed to prevent this type of product loss, the valve allowed the
release of highly flammable vinyl chloride onto the loading rack area. The released vinyl chloride
ignited, causing the explosion and fire.
How would the manufacturer of the excess flow valve tell this story?
When the question concerns blame, focus most of your sentences on the
character you want to hold responsible.
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21
The issue of responsibility is important in business writing of all types. This excerpt
is taken from a construction contract. Drafted by a lawyer, it was approved and
signed by an officer in a development company and by the owner of a construction
company. Once signed, agreements like this one become instruction manuals for
employees who must carry out the provisions of the agreement. Which version is
likely to be a successful instruction manual?
a.
Work shall not be deemed ready for Abco’s written acceptance until completion of the
work indicated on said list. Upon said completion, Abco shall again inspect the Work,
and if satisfied, shall issue Contractor a written certificate indicating acceptance of the
Work. Before issuance of the final certificate, evidence satisfactory to Abco must be
submitted to it showing that all payrolls, material bills and other indebtedness
connected with the Work for which Abco has paid have been paid by Contractor or its
subcontractors. Thereupon, Contractor shall be paid the balance of any amount owing to
Contractor including the retained amount, if any, referred to in Paragraph 6.02(c), but
such payment shall not alter or amend the terms of any warranty provided herein.
b.
Work shall not be deemed ready for Abco’s written acceptance until Contractor has
completed the work indicated on said list. When the Contractor has completed the
Work, Abco shall again inspect it. If Abco is satisfied with the Work, it shall issue
Contractor a written certificate indicating that it has accepted the Work. Before Abco
issues the final certificate to Contractor, Contractor must submit evidence satisfactory
to Abco that Contractor or its subcontractors have paid all payrolls, material bills and
other indebtedness connected with the Work for which Abco has paid. Thereupon,
Abco shall pay Contractor the balance of any amount owing to Contractor including the
retained amount, if any, referred to in Paragraph 6.02(c). However such payment shall
not alter or amend the terms of any warranty provided herein.
When giving instructions, make the subject of each sentence the person
responsible for carrying out its key actions.
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Complication #1
Which Character?
22 a.
Once upon a time, Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods.
b.
Once upon a time, the Wolf was lurking behind a tree in the woods.
c.
Once upon a time, Gramma was home in bed, wondering where lunch was.
23 a.
Hillary Clinton prepared the document that Susan McDougal used to defraud the
government in the Whitewater matter.
b.
Susan McDougal used a document prepared by Hillary Clinton to defraud the
government in the Whitewater matter.
24 a.
Charlottesville is losing its tax base to Albemarle County.
b.
Albemarle County is increasing its tax base at Charlottesville’s expense.
c.
The tax base is moving to Albemarle County at Charlottesville’s expense.
25 a.
You are unclear and disorganized.
b.
Your paper is unclear and disorganized.
c.
When I read your prose, I have a hard time understanding it and I can’t see how one
part connects to another.
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Complication #2
Which Kind of Character?
Some nominalizations name familiar concepts that we know so well that we treat them almost as
though they were objects.
Few issues have so divided America as abortion on demand.
A major issue in past elections was the Equal Rights Amendment.
Other nominalizations name the special topics of a discipline or profession. For specialists, these
terms of art name concepts as familiar to them as their friends and families. They feel very
comfortable with stories told about those special concepts, though these “insider” stories can often
defeat the rest of us. This story seems perfectly readable to management consultants:
Strategic planning can only succeed at Abco if it wins the hearts and minds of line managers. As a
planning exercise builds credibility with the managers closest to the shop floor, it begins through
them to take root in the culture of the organization so that the planning process is no longer
something imposed from above but part of the daily life of the business. For that reason, the initial
plan has to present as little threat to line managers as possible. It cannot help but disrupt some of
their standard ideas and familiar routines. But if it benefits them personally right from the start —
improves their productivity, enhances their sense of participation in key decisions, promises to
enhance those areas of the business by which they are evaluated —then a plan can help line
managers get past those early, knee-jerk resistance and make them champions for its continued
implementation.
These kinds of stories can easily be translated into a version focusing on flesh-and-blood
characters:
Abco will only succeed with strategic planning if line managers buy in. As the managers closest to
the shop floor begin to believe in a planning exercise, they begin to embed it in the culture of the
organization so that the planning process is no longer something imposed from above but part of
the daily life of the business. For that reason, line manages must see as little threat as possible in the
initial plan. They cannot help but face some disruption in some of their standard ideas and familiar
routines. But if they personally benefit from the plan right from the start — improve their
productivity, feel that they are participating more fully in key decisions, receive better evaluations
because their area of the business is enhanced — then line managers can get past those early, kneejerk resistance and become champions for the continued implementation of strategic planning.
A third kind of nominalization names a character created for the particular purposes of the
author:
The argument is this. The cognitive component of intention exhibits a high
degree of complexity. Intention is temporally divisible into two: prospective
intention and immediate intention. The cognitive function of prospective
intention is the representation of a subject's similar past actions, his current
situation, and his course of future actions. That is, the cognitive component
of prospective intention is a plan. The cognitive function of immediate
intention is the monitoring and guidance of ongoing bodily movement.
Taken together these cognitive mechanisms are highly complex. The folk
psychological notion of belief, however, is an attitude that permits limited
complexity of content. Thus the cognitive component of intention is
something other than folk psychological belief.
Myles Brand (1984), Intending and Acting, MIT Press
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These kinds of stories do not always fare so well when we translate them into a purely agentaction style:
I would argue like this: Whenever you intend anything, you behave in ways
that are cognitively complex. We may divide these ways into two temporal
modes: You intend either prospectively or immediately. When you intend
prospectively, you cognitively represent what you have done similarly in
the past, what your current situation is, and how you intend to act in the
future. That is, when you intend prospectively, you cognitively plan. But
when you intend to do something immediately, you monitor and guide you
body as you move it. When we take these two cognitive components
together, we must recognize that they are highly complex. But when we
consider what most of us believe about these matters on the basis of folk
psychology, we realize that we think about them in ways that are too
simple. When we think about the cognitive component of intention, we have
to go beyond folk psychology.
In a passage that does not have all of the peripheral nominalizations but retains as its main
character the nominalization prospective and immediate intention, the abstract character seems
to be the right approach:
My argument is this. The cognitive component of intention is quite
complex. It is temporally divisible into two: prospective and immediate.
The cognitive function of prospective intention represents our current
situation, how we have similarly acted in the past, and how we will act in
the future. That is, the cognitive component of prospective intention lets us
plan ahead. On the other hand, the cognitive function of immediate
intention monitors and guides our body as we move it. Taken together these
cognitive mechanisms are too complex for us to explain by folk
psychological notions alone.
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Metadiscourse
You can make it difficult for your reader to identify the Topics in your sentences in three ways:
you can put new information in the Topic position; you can write long, complex subjects; or you
can hide your Topics behind a kind of verbal shrubbery we call Metadiscourse. Compare these
two sentences:
1a.
In my opinion, I can confidently say that it is very likely the case that China is on
the verge of an industrial explosion.
1b. China is probably on the verge of an industrial explosion.
In the first, the writer opens with throat-clearing, verbiage that says “high degree of probability
for what follows!” That’s Metadiscourse. Metadiscourse is writing about writing. Metadiscourse
can refer to your reader: “As you can see, . . .” It can refer to the writer: “I believe that. . . .” It
can refer to the discourse itself: “In the second place. . . .”
All discourse needs some metadiscourse. But writers usually use metadiscourse for no good
reason. Most of the time, metadiscourse only adds unnecessary words. Moreover, in sentence 1a
the metadiscourse forces the reader to search for the real Topic of the sentence: China. In
sentence 1b, the writer states the Topic clearly and concisely up front, then tucks the qualifier
“probably” behind the verb.
Compare these paragraphs
This paper will reintroduce consideration of the sociological school of literary criticism, whose
main work was done in the 1920's in Russia, to the perspective of the field of modern stylistic
study. My view is that, in an aspect of their particular work, they stand in a position toward
which a large number of the most advanced critic positions at the present time—which I see as
represented, for example, by Stanley Fish—are still caught in a bind, one may well call this a
double bind, which it lacks the means to successfully overcome. It is at this particular point that
I see the insights of the long hibernating Russian school being introduced. What is at stake in
this, as I tend to understand it, is a matter of controversy that is at once threatening to the old
objectivist prejudices of Anglo-American stylistic research activities, and, simultaneously, seems
to offer rather meagre and in some special instances monotonous or boring "truths" as
compensation for any abandonment of the prior.
Most advanced literary critics are working toward a perspective on stylistic study that is very close
to the sociological school of Russian literary criticism of the 1920's. But these critics are caught in a
double bind that they share with some of the most advanced current critics, Stanley Fish for
example, and that they cannot overcome. The insights of the long hibernating Russian school,
however, may be relevant here. This is a controversy that threatens the old objectivist prejudices
of Anglo-American research into style and [God only knows what the rest of this means].
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Choosing a Focus for Your Topic String
You can use Topic Strings to organize your readers’ understanding, to have them remember
your story in a particular way. As your readers construct the cognitive model that they will
use to understand your story, they will try to build their understanding around the character or
idea that you have made your focus:
 When your readers are quite familiar with the character or idea that you have made your
focus, they will have many mental connections between that concept and other aspects of
their knowledge. Those many connections make it easy for them to build a mental model for
understanding your story.
 When your readers are unfamiliar with the character or idea that you have made the focus of
your story, they will have few mental connections between that concept and other aspects of
their knowledge. As a result, they’ll have to work much harder to build a mental model for
understanding your story, because they must work harder to build connections as they try to
remember what you’ve written. And readers may not build their connections in the way that
you’d like: unfamiliar characters and ideas also decrease your margin of error, or increase the
chance that readers will take home a story other than the one you wanted to tell.
 When readers have no clue about the character or idea that you make your focus, they will be
unable to build mental connections between that concept and other aspects of their
knowledge. As a result, they will end up reading your passage as thought it were simply a list
— and we all find our capacities quickly saturated when we try to remember lists of items we
do not know. Readers will end up merely looking at words rather than reading sentences, and
you won’t have communicated much of anything.
So here's another use for Topic Strings:
When you want to convey difficult technical information,
use a Topic String focused on characters or ideas
thoroughly familiar to your readers. By focusing on a
concept that is already rich with connections in your
readers’ minds, you will help them organize your story
in a way they can understand and remember.
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The Particular Problem of Complex Data
The structure of Information Flow dictates that the most important information come in the
Stress position. This is particularly true when your important information is in the form of
numbers, and even more true when you combine these numbers with dates, names, places,
and other variables.
Frequently, the best way to handle numbers is to take them out of sentences entirely – that is,
to put them in graphs or charts. But when you must include numbers in your writing, you
must pay close attention to Information Flow. Most of all you must focus your readers on a
consistent theme, that is, focus them on one or two kinds of information that can help them
organize and sort through the data. Compare these two passages:
a.
Changes in revenues are as follows. An increase to $56,792 from $32,934, a net
increase of approximately 73%, was realized from July 1 through August 31 in the
Ohio and Kentucky areas. In the Indiana and Illinois areas there was in the same
period a 10% increase of $15,370, from $153,281 to $168,651. However, a decrease
to $190,580 from $200,102, or 5%, occurred in the Wisconsin and Minnesota
regions.
b.
The following changes in revenue occurred from July 1 through August 31. In the
Ohio and Kentucky areas, revenue increased from $32,934 to $56,792, or
approximately +73%. In the Indiana and Illinois areas, revenue increased from
$153,281 to $168,651, or approximately +10%. However, in the Wisconsin and
Minnesota areas, revenue decreased from $200,102 to $190,560, or approximately 5%.
In addition, when you must put numbers into text, use the following guidelines:
 Put at the beginning of the sentence the relative constants, particularly if they are not
complex. These make natural orientors: repeated dates, places, categories, etc.
 Put at the end of the sentence the crucial information that you want your readers to
remember: changes in percentages, statistical reliability, direction of change, rate of
change, etc.
 Above all, be consistent. If you must ask your readers to juggle lots of different kinds of
information, they will do much better if they find a particular kind of information
consistently at the same place in your sentences.
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Communicating Data
Write a paragraph expressing what you find here. Do not try to convey all this information: that is
better done by the graphs. Instead, present the information in light of a single theme – a particular
kind of change, the correlation between two specific factors, the trend over a specific period.
TABLE 1
Population/millions
Labor force/millions
20
50
80
200
290
no data
20
45
85
1800
1875
1900
1965
2000 (projected)
TABLE 2
1960
1970
1980
1-8 years
Level of Education
9-12 years
12+ years
30%
25%
20%
50%
50%
50%
20%
25%
30%
TABLE 3
1950
1960
1970
1980
1990
55 or older
Percent of Labor Force
35-54
25-34
17%
18%
18%
17%
12%
44%
45%
43%
40%
41%
25%
22%
20%
26%
28%
TABLE 4
TABLE 5
Increase M/F Workers (base 100)
Male
Female
1950
1960
1970
1980
1990
100
110
125
144
155
University of Virginia
100
120
150
188
220
Distribution of Labor Force
1945
1954
1963
1972
1980
(in millions)
Services
Goods
26
34
40
50
62
30
30
30
33
35
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Passives in Scientific and Technical Writing
Scientific and technical writers often have a special penchant for passive verbs. One reason is
that they have succumbed to the myth that scientific prose should never use personal agents,
and especially not the first-person agents I or we. Since passives allow us to eliminate agents,
science writers often get into the habit of using — and overusing — passives. But there is a
second reason: passive constructions are often appropriate in scientific writing.
In scientific and technical writing, passive constructions are appropriate in three typical
situations:
1. You and your reader don't care who performed the action. This will often be the case
when we know generally who performed the action but don't care about the identity of
the specific person who performed the action
I got a ticket today.
[Some cop gave me a ticket.]
The prosthesis was again debrided using a lateral transtrochantic approach.
[Someone in the operating room did this. But unless we are involved in a malpractice
suit, readers will not care who on the operating team performed this action — and it's
likely that the author will not know which particular assistant did this.]
2. You want to avoid a string of sentences all beginning withI or we.
The gamma-ray spectra of the specimens were measured to determine the amounts of
radioactive nuclei deposited on the surface. Their surface characteristics were determined
by scanning electron microscope (SEM) and electron probe microanalysis (EPMA). The
specimens were mounted in epoxy resin and metallographically polished to characterize
the oxide layer structure. The elemental composition and profile across the oxide layer
were determined by secondary ion mass spectroscopy (SIMS).
[The author or the author's assistants did all these things. But an agent-action style would
focus too much on the author: "I measured . . . . I determined . . . . I mounted . . . . I
determined . . . .]
3. You are telling the story of the object you are studying or the apparatus you have
designed.
The passive screen offered less resistance to the intake flow than the traveling screen,
partly because it had no perforated plate, and partly because the screen frame members
were smaller. The screen and screen frame produced a head loss of only 0.07 m (0.23 ft),
which corresponds to K1 = 0.6. However, the passive screen was designed to allow for a
larger flow area, A2 =2.7 m2 (29 sq ft), which compensated for the lower head loss. As a
result, the gate-well flow had a loss coefficient of K2 ≈ 1.5 or about the same as for the
traveling-screen system. As seen in Fig. 6, the gate-well flow was increased by lowering
the barrier plate into the intake bay (which increased the pressure difference and K 1).
[This is a story about the screen. When the action is one performed on the screen rather
than by the screen, we get a passive verb: "the passive screen was designed" and "the
gate-well flow was increased."]
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4. You are writing about a concept or object that in your discipline has the special status of
an agent.
At Service Load, the limit-state criteria ensure that the fatigue life of a member is
controlled within acceptable limits. For fatigue and live-load requirements, the Guide
Specification invokes the same limit state criteria as the LFD. The Guide keeps stress
ranges within allowable fatigue limits and treats live-load deflections in accordance with
current practice. Furthermore, it requires that concrete cracking be controlled by invoking
the current AASHTO rules for distributing flexural reinforcement.
[The criteria and the Guide are, for bridge engineers, agents. They stand as institutional
actors within that discipline.]
The Problem of the First Person
Many writers and teachers believe that it is never appropriate to use I or we in professional
scientific and technical prose. Some science writers go so far as to avoid even third-person
agent-action structures, writing "In the classic research, X was found by Smith and Jones"
rather than "In their classic research, Smith and Jones found X." In both cases those writers
are mistaken. Good science writers use the first person all the time, and there is no reason in
the world to avoid third-person agent-actions structures.
Good science writers who use the first person follow this general pattern.
1. When the action is one that only the author can perform, actions such as state, study,
conclude, decide, etc., then use the first person or a disguised first person.
Not: Substantial agreement with the classical analysis was found in [the authors']
previous studies.
But: In previous studies, we found substantial agreement with the classical analysis.
Or: In their previous studies, the authors found substantial agreement with the
classical analysis.
Not: The conclusion that LDGB8 is not one of the affected structures must therefore
be reached.
But: We must therefore conclude that LDGB8 is not one of the affected structures.
2. When the action is one that anyone who repeated the research could perform, actions
such a measuring, calculating, testing, evaluating, etc., you can (i) use the first person if
you do so rarely and do not focus too much on yourself, (ii) use a general agent
(researchers, engineers, etc.), or (iii) use an agentless passive.
Notice that the kinds of actions that call for the first person tend to be concentrated at the
beginnings and ends of articles and technical reports. Those are the places where an author
either uses metadiscourse to set up or comment on the text or focuses the reader’s attention
on what is original and important about the author's research. The actions that call for
agentless sentences are concentrated in middles, where the presumed objectivity of the
scientific method should predominate.
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You should no more avoid first person constructions than you should avoid passive
constructions. Both have their uses. Your job is to understand their uses and to use them
when they are appropriate. Note how these two passages use both active and passive
constructions to tell their stories.
Moe has stressed that the surgeon must accurately measure the curve of the
spine and analyze levels of rotation. Moe also stresses that in order to determine
the flexibility of the lumbar curve, the surgeon must use preoperative supine
side-bending roentgenograms. He advocates that the thoracic curve be fused from
the superior neutrally rotated vertebra to the inferior neutrally rotated vertebra. If
a thoracic and lumbar curve are combined and the lumbar curve on side-bending
has been corrected to equal or exceed the thoracic curve, then Moe advocates
fusing only the thoracic curve.
Following the rules of strain strengthening, we can predict mechanical
properties (both tensile and compressive) in any direction or location in a part
formed by any of the basic deformation processes. These rules incorporate the
strength designation already explained, the uniaxial plastic stress/strain
characteristics of the material, and the strain history induced by the forming
process.
These rules were developed in extensive research into methods for
characterizing materials property and plastic deformation. The deformation
processes that were experimentally and analytically studied included the cyclic
axial deformation of cylinders, cyclic deformation of cubes in three
perpendicular directions, bending and unbending of flat specimens, cyclic
torsional deformation of cylinders, shearing of blanks, deep drawing of channel
sections and cylindrical cups, bar drawing, forward and back extrusion, and cold
rolling.
One basis for calculating the strength of a formed part is the uniaxial
stress/strain relationship of the original material, which can be determined by a
tensile or compressive test. The calculations determine the plastic behavior of the
material by using the exponential relationship,
 = o m
where s is the stress associated with a strain, , and o and m are the stress
coefficient and strain exponent, respectively.
A second requirement is that we know the strain history at the critical
location in the formed part. For the six basic deformation modes, the strain
history can be determined analytically. However, for complex shapes made by
two or more basic deformation processes, the engineer must obtain experimental
data from the shop floor. Most formed parts undergo more than one cycle of
strain when they are fabricated. For example, the metal may first be stretched and
then later compressed. Sometimes, three or four such cycles can occur…
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Q
Quuiicckk &
&D
Diirrttyy R
Reevviissiinngg
Problems with Too Few Characters
As a professional, you’ll revise both your own and others’ written work. How do you tell if a
document contains too few characters?
Knowing you have used too few characters can be quite difficult at first. Thus we offer the same
advice in this session as we did in the last: read your writing aloud or get others to read and
critique it.
More specifically, when you read and revise your own and others’ professional writing, you can
use the following guidelines to determine if there is a problem with too few characters:
Diagnosis 1. Draw a line under the first six or seven words. Are no characters named? Or, if you
do find a character named, is it after the preposition “by” or “of,” or is it in the
possessive?
2. Circle the verbs. Are they unspecific and/or passive – “have,” “make,” “do,” “be,”
“occurs,” “was allowed,” “is needed,” etc.?
3. Underline possessive nouns. Are most of them before nominalizations?
Revision 1. Write down the main action of the sentence – WHAT is going on? Since obscure
sentences often hide their actions in nominalizations, transform those problematic
nominalizations into verbs. Also write down any verbs that are passive, in their
active form.
2. Determine the agent of the action – WHO is performing the action? First look for the
agent among the characters actually named in the sentence. If that fails, draw on
your background knowledge of the context in order to identify the characters only
implied in the sentence. Write down your WHO-WHAT pairs.
3. Try out a series of logical frames for these character-action, subject-verb pairs. What
you’re actually doing here is using a common set of connector words to paraphrase
the sentence:
Since _______ , _______ .
_______, because _______ .
Although _______ , _______ .
Before/after/when/where _______ , _______ .
Nevertheless/however, _______ .
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Problems with Too Few Characters: An Example
Example [a] Utilization on an unlimited basis is permitted. [b] However, prior EGP registration
is required before any contact with the Legal Referral Service.
Diagnose You have a problem with too few characters because you have
1. Found no human characters in the first seven words: Utilization on an unlimited
basis is permitted.. . . ; However, prior EGP registration is required. . . .
2. Found that the verbs are not specific and/or passive: is permitted, is.
3. N/A
Write down the main actions of each sentence — WHAT is going on?
Revise 1.
Transform problematic nominalizations into verbs, and write down any verbs that are
passive.
WHAT:
WHAT:
utilization

utilize
is permitted

permit
registration

register
requirement

require
contact

contact

use (omit jargon)
2.
Determine the agent of the actions (the WHO). Since no characters are actually
named, you have to draw on your background knowledge of the context in order to
identify the character-agents implied in the sentence. Write down your WHO-WHAT
pairs.
WHO:
EMPLOYEES and their IMMEDIATE FAMILIES use
INFORMATION CONCEPTS permits

YOU and your IMMEDIATE FAMILY may use
WHO:
EMPLOYEES register
INFORMATION CONCEPTS requires

YOU must register
WHO:
EMPLOYEES contact

YOU contact
3. Try out a series of logical frames for these character-action, subject-verb pairs:
[a] You and your immediate family may use the Legal Referral Service on an unlimited basis. [b]
However, you must first register with HG each time you contact the Legal Referral Service.
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“I’m uneasy that these rules are too mechanical. If I’m just following all of these rules,
what’s left of me in my sentences?”
LRS is not about rules. It’s about principles that give you strategies for controlling a range of styles.
You have to decide how you want to approach your readers, how you want them to understand what
you have to say. Then the LRS principles help you to know how to create a style to match your
objectives. Style is choice, and LRS is about giving you the ability to make the choices that best serve
your own purposes.
It is true, however, that LRS encourages you to think about the process of writing mechanically.
That’s actually one of its biggest advantages. Because they give you a way to achieve your goals
mechanically, you can apply these principles even when you’re too close to your draft, when you’ve
been though the material once too often, or when you’re too tired to work through your writing with a
cold, clear eye. The mechanical part of LRS helps you to see your own work as your readers will.
Just because LRS offers mechanical procedures, that doesn’t mean it will make your writing
mechanical. Rather, LRS principles help you avoid getting lost in the problem of how to achieve your
goals, freeing you up to concentrate on the question of what those goals should be.
The LRS approach has one more key advantage. Because LRS principles help you focus on keeping
your story straight as you tell it, they also help you to get your story straight in the first place. Most
writers find that LRS principles impose a helpful discipline on their thinking. When you use LRS
principles, you
• make sure that you are yourself clear about what happens and who is responsible for the actions;
• have a story to tell, not just a collection of empty sentences with “to be” verbs;
•
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have to decide which objects and concepts are important enough and familiar enough to your
readers that you can treat them as characters in your story. Eventually, you will find that you have
to begin to choose among characters, further shaping and molding your story to make it yours.
“Do all subjects have to be agents?”
No. It’s a good idea to make the subject the agent or “doer” of the action. Readers will generally
follow your story more easily if you do express agents in the subject position. So you should make an
“agent-action” style your default style – the style you use when you have no particular reason to do
otherwise.
But when you do have a good reason, you can write clear and effective sentences that do not have
agents as subjects. The subject is a position, the slot in the sentence that normally comes before the
verb and that answers the question you get by putting “who” or “what” before the verb. Subjects
usually come first in clauses, but they do not always have to:
In unpredictable fits and starts spoke the stranger.
The reason for this decision we cannot understand.
There is a spider in my shirt.
Many writers remember the advice to “get the subject up front.” But that’s as misleading as the
definition of subject as doer. The subject will almost always be up front, even in the most unclear
sentences:
The failure to understand the reason for the decision to terminate the program is a result of
ignorance of the actual processes of the committee.
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What you do want to get up front in the subject position is a character – some person, object, or
concept that is so important to your story and so familiar to your readers that you want to make it the
centerpiece of your story.
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“What do I do when I am the agent of the action? My teachers say I should never use ‘I’ or
‘we’?"
Over the years, students have been given a lot of misleading advice about using “I” and “we.” Since
your default style should use agents as subjects, you should use “I” as your subject if you have
performed the crucial actions in your story and you don’t have a good reason to do otherwise. The
complication is that there might be a number of good reasons not to. You might want to start your
sentence with a character other than yourself. Or you might be writing in a field that avoids “I” or
“we” in order to be “objective.” In fact, writers in those fields use “I” and “we” all the time – when
the action they write about is one that only they could have performed. When, however, the action is
one that is supposed to turn out the same no matter who performed it – for example, the actions a
scientist performs in the lab – then writers often avoid making themselves the character in the
sentence and put some other character in the subject position.
?
“How do I know what my reader will take as the focus of my sentence?”
What a reader takes as the focus of your sentence depends on what you put in the Topic position of
the sentence and on how your previous sentences have disposed your reader to understand each new
one.
What would you say is the topic of this sentence?
In 1933, Germany fell under the dictatorship of Adolf Hitler.
Most readers of this sentence would probably say that Germany was the Topic, and in many contexts
this answer would be right. But not in this context:
Few years in the 20th century have been more significant than 1933. That year was the
beginning of the Great Depression in this country. It marked the first of a series of famines in
Asia that. . . . And the year’s worst disaster of all came in Europe. In 1933, Germany fell
under the dictatorship of Adolf Hitler.
Readers will look to the beginning of a sentence to find its focus. If they find more than one
substantive word near the beginning of a sentence, they will take as the focus the one that is most
important in relation to what they found in previous sentences.
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“I remember that my teachers used to tell me not to begin sentences in the same way . Won’t
a focused Topic String make my writing boring?”
No. Your writing will be boring when your reader is bored by what you have to say . Unless you
write a string of short, simple sentences, few readers will even notice that your sentences begin in the
same way. And the more they are interested by what you say, the less they will notice.
?
“So my teachers were wrong?”
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They gave you advice that is no longer very useful. It may have been useful when you were younger.
Many writers in junior high school need to enlarge their vocabulary and to get more ideas into their
writing. So, teachers encourage students to vary their words and sentences as much as possible –
hoping that the students might learn a new word or, better still, have a new idea. As you come closer
to being a professional, your problem changes. Most professionals know far too many words and
have to communicate ideas that are too complex for many of their readers. When you write as a
professional, your readers need to find familiar things at the beginnings of your sentences in order to
help them work their way through your story. When you write as a professional, it’s better not to
worry about problems that you probably haven’t had since junior high.
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“Let’s get back to this Dick-and-Jane question. I feel that my writing is getting so simple
that it sounds simple-minded.”
You may overdo a bit at first. But as you become more comfortable with a direct, action-oriented
style, you will find that your writing becomes more varied and that you will learn to use somewhat
more complex sentences to good advantage. Your goal should be to avoid passages like (a), but not to
sound as bad as (b). The style you should aim for is more like (c) or even (d):
a.
The Czar's 1860 emancipation of serfs resulted in newly freed peasants choosing to live on
agricultural communes for mutual dependence and support. It is the contention of the Russian
historian Boris Mironov that the objective of each commune system was the social equalization
of the peasants. Despite initial success in the reduction of all the members of communes to low
economic status, government power was insufficient to overcome traditional social distinctions
in the peasant mentality.
b.
In 1860, the Czar emancipated the serfs. Many newly free peasants, chose to live on agricultural
communes. In these communes, they could depend on and support each other. The Russian
historian Boris Mironov contends that each commune system strived to equalize the peasants
socially. Communes reduced peasants to a low economic status. The systems could not equalize
the people socially. The government had inadequate power to overcome traditional social
distinctions in the minds of the peasants.
c.
When in 1860, the Czar emancipated the serfs, many of these now free peasants chose to live on
agricultural communes where they could depend on and support each other. According to
Russian historian Boris Mironov, each commune system strived to equalize everyone. But
though communes did at first reduce all the peasants to a low economic status, the system failed
to equalize the peasants socially because the government had insufficient power to erase from
the minds of the peasants traditional social distinctions.
d.
When in 1860, the Czar emancipated the serfs, many of these now free peasants chose to live
not alone, but on agricultural communes where they could depend on each other and share the
burdens of their new freedom. According to the Russian historian Boris Mironov, the commune
system at first to equalize everyone, to level the peasants socially. However, though the system
did at first reduce all peasants to a low economic status, the communes failed to eradicate social
distinctions among the peasants because the government had insufficient power to erase from
the minds of the peasants long standing, traditional, and deeply embedded social attitudes.
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a. A statement of additional evidence in regard to recent changes in employment figures, however, is
necessary to respond to this objection.
b. Two major objectives — a reaffirmation of America as a military superpower and the restoration of
the health of the American economy — were in Reagan's mind when he assumed the office of the
Presidency. The drop in unemployment figures and inflation, and the increase in the GNP testifies to
his success in the second. Our increased exposure to international conflict without any clear set of
political goals indicates less success with the first.
c. Various researchers2,3 have reviewed the corrosion mechanism as well as the buildup mechanism of
60Co on these materials. It is generally accepted that the accumulation of 60Co is closely related to
the surface corrosion. The mechanisms for generation, transport, and deposition of corrosion products
have been investigated, and several calculation programs for analyzing the accumulation of
radioactivity have been developed.
d. The U.S. Department of Energy estimates that with oil priced at $20 per barrel, the U.S. will depend
on imports for about 60% of its oil needs by 1995 if the economy continues to expand at its present
rate. The U.S. at the time of the 1973 Arab oil embargo was importing just over 36% of its oil at a
cost of less than $5 per barrel. What havoc could an oil embargo wreak in 1995, if the nation's
economy went into a tailspin in 1973?
e. Although fluid forces on the rotor generated by the pressure field are sufficient for rotordynamic
applications, the study of other flow details such as the influence of fluid inertia on mean
velocities is extremely important to an understanding of the nature of the flow.
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f.
I. Introduction. The problem of two-phase solidification (melting problem is mathematically
analogous to the solidification problem and it is sufficient to discuss here only the solidification
problem) in which solidification initiates at a point on the surface of the mold has not been studied
earlier.
g. Despite the difficulty here of explicitly solving the complete dynamic model (and to extract more
explicit analytical results from the solution of the system), economists must often rely on some sort of
simplifying dynamic assumptions.
h. And there is another reason historians of science have concentrated on Darwin rather than Mendel.
Hundreds of letters, both personal and scientific, to scores of different recipients, including leading
scientific figures, illuminate Darwin's genius. Only ten letters to the botanist Karl Nageli, and a
handful to his mother, sister, brother-in-law, and nephew, represent Mendel.
i.
Some amazing questions about the nature of the universe have been raised by astronomers as a result
of the discovery of black holes. The collapse of a dead star into a point perhaps no larger than a
marble creates a black hole. The fabric of space is changed in profound and astonishing ways as a
consequence of so much matter compressed into so little volume.
j.
The obligation of the Purchasers to repay the principal amount and interest in accordance with the
terms of the Note will be guaranteed by Abco, and such guarantee shall be secured by a Security
Agreement executed in favor of Defco. The Security Agreement will constitute a first charge on all of
the assets and undertakings of Abco, and will be subordinated only to security granted by Abco in
favor of the Bank in order to secure a maximum of $2 million of financing in the ordinary course of
business and the obligation of Defco to complete the transaction will be subject to the Bank agreeing
to such terms.
LR
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