Introduction Example 1:
General George Patton once said, “Those who do
not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat
them.” Although he was probably referring to failed
war strategies, he just as easily may have been
addressing a group of freshmen on their first day of high
school. His words would have certainly caught my
attention. Why? For me, middle school was a time in
my life that I made many mistakes: I tried to become
popular by hurting others; I settled for average
when I could have done very well; I was too
insecure to just be myself. It is my hope that I can
take General Patton’s advice and learn from these
mistakes as I start my high school career.
Introduction Example 2:
I watch too much television. Shows like “Saved by the Bell” and
“Boy Meets World” are two of my former favorites, especially since they
focus on a place where I spend much of my time, a high school. These
shows, and many others, depict high school as a place filled with bullies
waiting to stuff freshmen into lockers, silly principals who are
constantly trying to catch mischeivious students, and teachers who are
either trying to kill students with work or coolly sit on their desks and
have period-long class discussion about deep and meaningful topics.
What a fantasy! A real high school is nothing like what these shows
depict, at least not for the most part. In my experience at Penncrest I
have discovered that most of the students are friendly, the
administration is very helpful and seriously focused on the school’s
academics, and the teachers present a balance of challenging the
students while trying to build positive relationships with them.
Body example 1:
The first myth about high school is that the sole
mission of upperclassmen is to bully, belittle, and scare
freshmen. This couldn’t be further from the truth at
Penncrest. In my time here, upperclassmen have been,
at best, extremely helpful and kind, and at worst, have
ignored me. I started soccer well before the school year
began and had a chance to meet some upperclassmen.
When the coach introduced me, the girls welcomed me
and began asking me about my teachers, giving me a
head’s up on who is nice, who gives tons of homework,
and who is a stickler about class lateness. As we began
to practice and play, these girls didn’t cattily whisper to
each other about me or try to injure me to secure their
positions on the team; instead, they complimented my
playing and gave me pointers about corner kicks.
Where were the gossiping mean girls I had been warned
about? I couldn’t find that type of person even when
school began. On my first day, when I was clogging the
bottom of the A-wing steps trying to figure out how to
get to the cafeteria, the worst treatment I received was
a teasing shout, “Lunch is to the left, freshman!” Others
either simply walked around me or gave me a funny eye
roll as if to say, “You’ll soon figure it all out.” What I did
figure out that first day and week of school is that unlike
the ruffians and “pretty little liars” I had seen on
television, the students at Penncrest are not here for the
sole purpose of torturing me.
Possible transitions to start the next paragraph:
An additional major discovery I made upon entering Penncrest
was that the administration, the principals and vice
principals, are here to help me, not to punish me.
A second group that is not trying to torture me is school
administrators.
Similar to the students, the administrators at my high
school do not wish to make me miserable.
Television gave me another misconception: a
principal’s main objective is to catch you do something
wrong and to punish you.
Conclusion example:
People say that you shouldn’t believe everything
you see on television. I can say that this is definitely
true as it applies to TV high school versus real-life high
school. Penncrest students are much nicer than the
thugs and mean girls I’ve seen on television series, Mr.
Gregg is a much better principal than Mr. Belding, and
my teachers seem like they are smart, reasonable
people who want to see me succeed, not drill sergeants
or “wanna-be” best friends. In my case, the reality is
much better than the fantasy, and I feel lucky to call
Penncrest my high school.
Peer review:
Highlight the thesis statement, each body
paragraph’s topic sentence, and the restatement of the
thesis in the essay’s conclusion.
Read those sentences together. Do they summarize
the paper?
Do the body paragraphs follow the blueprint set
forth in the thesis? Are the body paragraphs distinct
(they don’t repeat the same ideas in different words)?
Do the body paragraphs support the idea stated in
the thesis (they are on topic; they don’t contradict)?
Is the thesis stated in a NEW way in the conclusion
(idea is the same but the wording should be new)?
Does the writer properly transition from one
paragraph to the next by using an appropriate
transition word or phrase?
What paragraph could be improved by the
inclusion of more personal detail (stories, examples)?